Marriages, careers, mergers all begin with introductions. First appearances mean everything. Just as we know that first appearances can be deceiving.

Put your best foot forward upon entering a social situation or event:

* Turn off your cell phone
* Smile
* Throw your shoulders back
* Observe the scene while you count to ten
* Circumnavigate the crowd until you find the host

Be savvy. People watchers inevitably keep their eye on the entrance to see who is arriving next. After you’ve taken a couple of seconds to observe the crowd, map out your next move and cruise the event looking for your hosts to thank them for inviting you. Your host will be compelled to introduce you to whomever they’re chatting with. If you don’t know the host, ask a waiter or another guest to point him or her out and introduce yourself.

Always Introduce Yourself
When you spot someone you would like to know, introduce yourself. They in turn introduce themselves to you.

How to Remember Names

If you want to remember a person’s name, first repeat it out loud and then again silently to yourself.

Example: If you are unsure of the name, say, “I am sorry, what is your name?” Or, “I’m sorry, what is your name again?” Or, “I never remember a name the first time.”

Be savvy. If you want to put a new acquaintance at ease, don’t stand too close. And, never ever put your arm around someone you have just met. If you want people to feel comfortable, keep your distance until you get to know them better. Many people take great offense when a stranger crosses into their personal space and touches them.

If there is flirtation going on----an instant attraction----that’s another story. But it has to be two-way electricity. The receiver has to be batting eyelashes or licking lips in order for you to caress this early in the relationship. The electricity can turn off five minutes into the conversation, thus making it awkward.

Personal Space

Most people need two to four feet of personal space; when you enter their space you cross into an intimate zone reserved for lovers, confidants and relatives.

How to Find the Intimate Zone

If you gauge the distance a person maintains when shaking your hand, that will give you a big clue as to how much interest there is in meeting you. It is the amount of space he or she needs in order to continue comfortably talking to you.

Studies show that city people need to maintain approximately eighteen inches in their personal zone---the average distance between the wrist and the shoulder---while shaking hands. In general, people from rural areas are used to having more wide-open spaces and therefore are more comfortable keeping a distance greater than eighteen inches.

BEWARE. If you’re the person who habitually slaps people on the back or has to stroke arms or hands, please take note: Most people in a social situation prefer to limit their physical contact to a handshake.

Body Language

The way you stand, sit, walk, talk and your facial expressions give off a series of nuances---subtle hints about who you are---that either repel or attract interest in you. Be aware of how you appear to others. Then adjust to suit the social situation, or walk away.

Be savvy. If you want people to open up to you, talk with your palms open towards the sky and they’ll instinctively feel comfortable. Our lives are filled with mood triggers that are so contagious we can sense them as if they are a whiff of bad cologne so: be sure to smile and be scintillating.

Studies show that it is hard to lie with your palms exposed: open your palms and people will naturally trust that your intentions are good.

Introducing Strangers

The role of a boss, leader, and host is to introduce strangers. The goal of every introduction is to encourage people to connect. Use an abbreviated resume or mention that you have a friend, job, place, school, or situation in common.

Be savvy. If you find yourself in a sea of strangers without anyone to talk to, don’t ever resort to asking someone his name.

Instead, say who you are and how you connect with the event. Then it’s their turn to tell you who they are and why they are there.

Example: “How do you do? My name is Julia Roberts, the host is my brother.”

Codes + Conduct: Introducing Yourself

Q Whenever my girlfriend takes me to a function where she knows everyone, she never introduces me. Is this acceptable manners?
A Be a self-sustaining boyfriend and introduce yourself. A gentleman over the age of thirteen has enough savvy to introduce himself.

If you don’t know the person, always say “How do you do?” and then pause when being introduced or when introducing yourself.

Presumably you would NOT say, “Hi, how are you?” to those you don’t know well enough yet to ask how they are feeling. It only puts people on the spot to respond by having to say, “Fine, thank you, how are you?” which leads to yet another “Fine, thank you.” This is very boring dialogue.

The added “How are you?” assumes you know the person well enough to care about how they are doing, what they are feeling. It is an awkward opening line to a stranger that will do little to encourage further conversation.

Warning. Whatever you say after “how do you do?” never say, “nice to meet you.”

Think about it. If you are meeting someone for the first time, you don’t know if he or she is really someone “nice to meet.” The phrase certainly doesn’t lead to in depth discussion about anything. The exception would be, if you were introduced to the guest of honor, or partner, business associate, or a relative of someone you do know.

Be savvy. Talk about what you know: the hosts, for instance, or the purpose of the event. A conversation will take off from there. Once you’ve given one another words they can associate with other words, the dialogue is off and running.

When you are the one being introduced, the only words you need to say are “How do you do?”

It’s the job of the person who is doing the introducing to bring you into the conversation.

Example: “Erin, I would like to introduce you to Miranda Stewart, she’s a vice president at HBO. Miranda, Aerin Lauder is vice president of Origins.”

Example: “Katie (the hostess) and my sister Zoë are partners in a chic clothing boutique on Worth Avenue.” A perfect lead in to starting a conversation with a new person gives away a clue to a possible connection. All that is left to do is to ask the name of the shop, the nature of the business, the exact location and let it go from there.

Remember men, if you’re seated, always stand when being introduced to women, of any age.

Socializing is an act of bidding.

You put out a bid to someone when you offer your hand, your name, and your connection to the event. When at a loss as to what to say, you can always give a compliment to break the ice.

People will accept your bid by responding. They’ll put out their hand, tell you their name, and their connection to the event. You always accept a compliment gracefully.

Your success as to whether you are welcome into their personal space or not, is for you to monitor. So be aware of the need to adjust and correct.

Beware: If they step back, you either step back a bit, too, or lean your body back by arching it.

If you feel you’re losing their attention, ask them a question and open your palms upwards towards the ceiling to show them that you are receptive to an answer. Keep in mind the fact that all of our brains are wired to be amenable to connecting and being attuned to each other. When you come face-to-face, voice-to-voice, skin-to-skin with someone your brains interlock. How long the interlock is 50% is up to you. If you are in a bad mood, you might as well announce that you have the flu, because nobody is going to want to talk to you once they start feeling your toxic mood.

Remember people will want to talk to you if you are being intelligent about the relationship, as well as a part of it.

Be savvy. To keep their attention from wandering, be nice, be upbeat, watch their body language and listen to what they say.

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How to Shake Hands: The Ideal Handshake

Taking Command of a Handshake

* Smile.
* Look the person directly in the eye.
* Put your hand out towards them vertically (With your thumb pointing up toward the ceiling, the pinky is parallel to the floor).
* With your palm facing their palm, grasp and shake their hand with firmness but don’t hold it tight.
* Shake no longer than three seconds.
* Say something as simple as, “How do you do.”
* Introduce yourself, “My name is Harry Winston and I am the father or our host.”

They’ll respond to your friendly attitude because you’ve made it simple for them to connect with you.

Example: You find yourself alone with a man you’ve been sharing an elevator with for months but he works on a different floor and you don’t know his name. You know one another by sight and you think you might like to get to know him.

You say, “My name is Olivia Reed and I’m in Legal on the 34th floor.” It sure beats pretending you’ve never seen one another before. He will be charmed by your manners and introduce himself.

But remember, it is always up to the woman to initiate the handshake.

In this situation, Olivia can decide if the response merits a handshake. She has the choice of stepping back and being aloof or smiling and putting her hand out in a second bid of good will. It’s then up to the man to respond.

BE SAVVY. No matter what the occasion, the woman always sets the tone of the introduction when she offers to shake hands.

If she offers you her hand, take it warmly and firmly, but shake it for only three seconds.

If she does not extend her hand first, it means she hasn’t decided whether she wants to know you better.

The exception is in business.

In business, everyone shakes hands but it is still the woman’s prerogative to extend her hand first. Interestingly enough, it is one of the few old-fashioned rules that naturally and gracefully put women in a position of leadership.

Remember, women, it is your job to take the initiative and extend your hand first in both a business and a social introduction. Men will take their cue from you, thus allowing you to set the tone of the encounter.

Codes + Conduct: Women Shaking Hands
Q I hold out my hand when I greet my supervisor, but she doesn't shake back; what should I do?
A It is a woman's prerogative to shake hands. Always wait for a woman to extend her hand before extending yours. If she extends it, that is your cue to shake it briefly. Most women do not like to shake hands and in most countries women still don't. If she is your supervisor and she is a woman, you take your cues from her. It's what you don't do, until you're cued to do it.

MEN AND WOMEN BEWARE OF COLD HANDS, when you’re being introduced. If you’re at a cocktail party, try to remember to hold your drink in your left hand so that you don’t have to apologize for your cold wet hand to everyone you meet. Alternatively, keep a cocktail napkin between your hand and the glass. If you are right handed, you would shift the glass to your left hand before shaking hands.

How to Introduce the Interloper

Be savvy. When you’re chatting with someone and another person joins the conversation, the person who knows the interloper makes the introduction.

Turning the introduction into a personal connection with a short resume or a reference to mutual friends will enliven the conversation and enable you to move on, if you wish to do so.

If there is more than one newcomer,
You introduce the man to the woman,
The younger person to the older person,
Or the person of lower rank to the person of higher rank,
(As in a member of a religious order or an elected official.)

Example: After an absolutely brilliant sermon, I introduced my eight year old daughter to Bishop Tutu of South Africa by saying, “Caroline, I would like you to shake hands with Bishop Tutu.”

Be savvy. An easy formula to remember is to introduce the inferior person to the superior person.

Avoid large-scale introductions because there is too much room for error.

However, if you’re the host, and Senator Jack Reed walks over to join in the conversation, you would say, “I would like everyone to meet Senator Jack Reed. Jack, this is Sean Penn, Sheldon Whitehouse, Dave Matthews, and Brad Pitt.”

Remember to use last names as well as first names.

How to Be the Host with the Most Savvy

* Greet your guests at the entrance to the party or event.
(If there is more than one host, the hosts need to take turns at the entrance/exit.)

* Introduce people separately to key players and let them introduce themselves to others.

Be savvy. The host, hostess, or a representative of the host, must always be at the entrance/exit of the event to welcome and say good-bye to guests.

Of course, at smaller and more intimate events, the host only needs to be at the entrance while people are arriving and departing.

Remember, the job of the designated greeter is to make each and every guest feel as though they are the most special of all the guests.

Make everyone who crosses your threshold feel as if they are the most important guest invited by being sure that you:

* Connect them immediately with someone who might be of interest to them.
* If that’s not possible, encourage them to have food and drink.
* If they have a coat and/or briefcase, tell them where they can leave them.

Example: “Posy, your boss and his partner, Elliot, are here but, please, let me hang up your coat while you get yourself a drink.”

Example: “The guest of honor, Hillary Clinton, is in the garden, if you would like to say a few words to her.”

Example: “The V.P. of Personnel in our Hong Kong office, Jerry Tang, is over there by the fireplace, why don’t you introduce yourself. Please, leave your coat in the room down the hall and get yourself a drink first.”

Example: “Brad, I want you to meet the ‘new girl in town,’ Vivian Spencer. She’s wearing a leopard skin mini skirt. Leave your coat and briefcase in the bedroom, get a drink from the bar in the dining room, and let me know if there is anybody whom you would like to be introduced to.”

How to Remember Names

If you’re hopeless about remembering names, just admit it or learn to compensate. Luckily most people make mistakes from time to time and are forgiving.

Tallulah Bankhead called everyone “darling,” because she wasn’t good at recalling names. “Darling” is endearing. The person is caught off guard by your gregariousness and charisma; not insulted that you are not calling them by name because, at the very least, you are being familiar and showing goodwill.

If “darling” isn’t your style, and you’re a man you can say:

“Hey, old man.” (If it’s someone your age or younger.)
“Hello, young man.”
“Hey, dud.” (If you’re twenty-something.)

A woman might, also, say, “Hello, dearie.”

If you’ve forgotten their name, say something vaguely similar to one of the greetings above and turn the conversation over to them by asking a question, which might give you time to remember:

“Hey, what’s happening?
“What’s going on?”
“What’s going on in your world?”

The British writer, Alan Price-Jones, used to ask, “What’s going on in your world?” Since he was forty years older, I knew that he wanted to know what I was reading, where I had traveled to recently, and how I was a spending my time these days now that the babies were no longer babies? Where the babies were at school? And, had I been to any interesting parties?

If Alan were inviting me to a dinner party, he would tell me who else was being invited and then ask, “Are they in your world?” Meaning that he wanted to know if he needed to introduce me properly, or if I had already connected with them on some level. I would respond, for instance, saying that I had met his son, David, years ago in London before I was married. Alan then knew to connect David to me by using my maiden name when telling David with whom he would be dining. David greeted me like an old friend even though we hadn’t seen one another in twenty-five years. Alan and his son were always true gentlemen.

On the other hand, whenever I used to invite another writer friend, Ted Morgan, to dine, he would ask me point blank who else was being invited. If he didn’t like someone I mentioned, he would decline the invitation. I learned both from Alan and Ted to inform guests with whom them would be dining. No social situation is more deadly than being stuck for the duration of a four-course meal in near proximity to someone you despise. You don’t want any toxic feelings ping-ponging your party.

Be savvy. Have a line of endearment on the tip of your tongue that will spring forth from your mouth before the person realizes you’ve forgotten their name.

Be easy to remember, but not too easy.

To be easily remembered, give yourself a memorable identity. This is especially important for the person who isn’t, say, especially good looking, outstandingly tall, suave, scintillating, or who is not devastingly witty.

Go for consistency in establishing instant recognition. Use certain characteristic phrases to describe yourself, wear a certain color or status symbol.

Character identifiers such as she’s “the woman who’s saving the whales,” or she’s “the tin cup lady,” for those who raise money for non-profits; or “the ranter,” who raves and rants in our Age of Argumentation. Or be the person who made a billion dollars, donated a kidney, mentors a child, or sailed around the world single-handed.

More on how men can be memorable. Some men wear cowboy hats or baseball caps, others bow ties or school ties, tasseled loafers or cowboy boots, beards or shaved heads, or wear their insignias on their blazer chest pocket or arrange their handkerchief in the pocket. It’s not easy for the average looking man to stand out in a sea of suits.

Women might wear a signature color or piece of jewelry, a conversation piece such as a brooch, or body-pierce, interesting hair color, or a high fashion status symbol such as a Chanel bag or scarf, a Hermes bag, belt or scarf. Nancy Reagan usually wears red. Barbara Bush wears three strands of pearls.

In a crowd of strangers, we tend to gravitate towards people like us with pink hair. running shoes, cowboy hats, motorcycles, skateboards, or who are of the same religious, political or club affiliation. We adopt the signature that identifies ourselves to the social group to which we are most attuned.

Be savvy. Remember, that if you’re going to a cocktail party where most of the men will be wearing sports jackets and blue blazers with gray flannel slacks or kaki pants, you will stand out if your looks don’t mirror the crowd.

It is your choice whether to stand out or blend in.

You can adopt an agreeable, memorable greeting. One friend of mine, always greets people, whether through e-mail, the phone, or in person with, “Good day.” The expression is upbeat, non-threatening, and cheerful. Her greeting reflects her outlook on life and people gravitate towards her cheerfulness.

First impressions, unfortunately, are often the only ones we get a chance to leave. Whether we like it or not, its a superficial world and first impressions count more than they should.

When you don’t remember their name: Admit it or you’ll have to fudge it.

Be savvy. If you don’t remember someone’s name, you might say, “I’m Didi Lorillard, its nice to see you again,” as you shake hands for three seconds.

Make it a firm fast handshake while the person as he then tells you his name. Notice that you didn’t have to ask directly for it.

Example: The entrepreneur Dayton Carhart always puts out his hand and says, “Dayton Carhart, lovely to see you,” even though I’ve known him for many years. He knows other guests hear him say his name. Its part of his style to be sure that everyone knows his name. He is self-confident, and yet he is not conceited. In fact, he’s quite humble and generous; often he brings a present, he always writes a thank you note, or calls the next day to thank me. Sometimes he does all three; that’s Dayton’s personal style: memorable.

Example: If you think you remember seeing someone on the golf course, you might say “Hey, old buddy, what’s your handicap?” Even if you’ve never seen him on the golf course, but his tie has a golf motive, connect, connect, connect.

If you fumble, it’s okay, its better to try and fail than stand-alone in a crowded room.

Example: A man came up to me recently at an event and said, “Didi, you don’t remember me do you?” I vaguely recognized his face, but his name totally escaped me. I said, “Of course, I remember you,” and then I proceeded to ask him a couple of simple questions. “What have you been up to?” “Where did you get a tan in February?”

My favorite is “How do you like to spend your time?” because I really like knowing people’s priorities, what they do with their time. Get them talking about something they know about, something close to their heart and it might trigger how you know the person.

You might get a clue that the connection is work-related or through your children, church, or club. Get them talking about themselves; they’ll forget momentarily that you don’t remember their name.

Luckily for me he said, “The boys are still into sailing,” a light bulb went off in my brain: his kids were in the same sailing program as ours. Most people are the most comfortable talking about themselves, so get them talking by asking questions.

When all else fails, get right to the point and say,

“I’m awfully sorry, I have a terrible time recalling names.”

That way you’re saying that you remember his face, but just not his name. A situation that we can all relate to.

Example: If I have to introduce the person whose name I’ve forgotten to an old friend who has just joined us, I matter-of-factly might say, “You two know one another, don’t you?” I am not being condescending to either of them by assuming they know one another. But I’m dropping the ball. Hey, no one’s perfect; I’m just trying to keep the conversation flowing.

My friend will quickly get the hint when I do not introduce Mr. McDreamy to her, because she knows I don’t know his name. My friend picks up her cue, puts out her hand and says,
“Janet Whitman, Didi and I were in elementary school together.” McDreamy will return the handshake and we both learn his name.

How to Help People Remember Your Name

I love listening to highly successful social couples interacting at a party. The British are notoriously good at remembering names. One couple we know in particular habitually repeats one another’s given name. They insert their partner’s first name into the conversation at every opportunity. By the end of the party, you know his name is George and her name is Polly. If their last name escapes you, ask your host when you call the next day to thank him.

Example:

“George, don’t you remember that interesting couple we met at Boca Grand who lived in Newport?”

“Yes, perhaps you know the Carharts? Polly and I played mixed doubles with them. Didn’t we Polly?”

“George always remembers the doubles matches he wins,” says Polly. Then she says, “George, weren’t they called Nancy and Alex Carhart?

“Yes, Polly, Alex had a wicked serve. As I recall, Polly and Nancy entered a ladies doubles tournament and did quite well, didn’t you, Polly?”

“While you and Alex were off playing golf, George.”

George and Polly work as a team. They make a point of supporting themselves as a couple by emphasizing their mate’s importance. You can’t help not liking George and Polly. As a matter of fact, you would like to talk to them again sometime. Clearly Polly and George are positive, smart people in a supportive marriage, who like to do activities with other couples.

Be savvy. To make sure that everyone remembers your name, work as a team repeating one another’s name.

Instead of saying, “He always remembers...” Polly says George’s name instead of referring to him as “he.” Instead of saying “She had a great doubles match...” George says, “Polly had a great doubles match...”

The tone George and Polly set as a couple tells us that they love saying one another’s name. They are so proud of one another that they want everyone to know their spouse. As a team they actively and affectionately promote their spouse.

If you are single, you can do this by repeating a friend’s name in a social situation. Especially if you are in the position of introducing someone, say, as the host or as a friend, relative, coworker, fellow club or committee member. As you bring them into the conversation, repeat their first name at every opportunity. Your efforts will be appreciated and, no doubt, reciprocated. Often men are just referred to by their last name.

Example: Tad and Janet have been dating for over a year. However, because Tad is ten years older they come from different circles of friends and are therefore, always introducing one another to someone from their past.

“I want you to meet Ted Ogden. Ted, this is Jennifer and Edward Corbin. You remember, Ted, my telling you about their fantastic wedding in Santa Barbara.” Jennifer and Edward might not remember that Tad’s last name is Ogden, but they have a far greater chance remembering Tad’s first name, thanks to Janet’s social savvy.

If Edward had said, “Good to meet you Ogden,” then the chances are even greater that if Jennifer remembers Ted and Edward remembers Ogden, they will put the two together.

Remember:

NEVER grab a person’s arm while talking to him, unless you are at a funeral or wake. The upper-arm-grab is only used as a gesture of condolence. When words aren’t enough and you’re not intimate enough to hug or kiss, or you’ve already hugged and kissed, then its ok.

The Hello Hug

When greeting someone with a hug, be sensitive to just how receptive your affection, your advance is being received. As you lean towards him or her, smile and make eye contact. If the person’s eyes are focused elsewhere, back off and extend your hand.

If you make eye contact, smile and lean in (ever so slightly). Embrace for at least four seconds. The amount of time you hug a person depends upon two important elements: how well you know the person and the warmth of his response.

Remember, giving a hug means you feel warmly towards the person. Hugs are for those who feel close to one another in one way or another, whether it’s family, friend, or lover. If the other person is into the hug, it will be reciprocated. To kiss or not to kiss is up to the both of you at that point. Leaning in for a kiss at a party has become merely a toss of affection. The person tossing the kiss might be more interested in being seen tossing you a kiss than actually wanting to show affection.

Be savvy. In public, a hug is often enough. A hug can be more intimate than a social kiss, which can be cool and dismissive.

In a hug, your cheeks and breasts are touching. Ever so briefly you feel the warmth of another human being. Perhaps, you exchange whispers. Perhaps, you kiss one another ceremoniously on the check, or both cheeks, or you lock lips. Let it be magic, stop thinking.

NEVER hug someone just to be seen hugging him or her in an effort to boast your social status. That person will steer clear of you next time you see him.

Be savvy. If your pelvis is grinding into theirs, it’s no longer a social hug.

The Hello Kiss

When you greet someone with a kiss it shows an intimacy that acknowledges there is a history or a story to your affiliation. Even then, unless the person is a lover, keep your hips at a six-inch distance while social kissing. The more intimate the relationship, the closer you can get.

Be savvy. A big wet kiss can be a turnoff during a greeting. Save those luscious, sloppy kisses and gyrating hips for the between-the-sheets action and the Jacuzzi.

Examples:

To social kiss, one person would lean in to kiss another on their left check, thus allowing the recipient the chance to kiss back, if desired, when the kisser’s lips pass back in front of the lips of the person just kissed, and the back is straightened.

` Don’t forget, “the kisser” is making a bid by planting a kiss. It is up to the person who has been kissed to respond to the bid. Either be aloof and ignore the kiss or respond warmly with a return kiss.

I can express no kinder sign of love, than this kind kiss.”
William Shakespeare --- from Henry V1, Act 1, Scene 1

A playful kiss between friends would consist of a kiss on both cheeks to be returned by the receiver. It is very European. Probably used by friends who have known one another for a good while and spend time together intermittently.

Air kissing is when you blow a kiss to someone across the room or on the other side of the street. You gesture as if you’re kissing, but your lips kiss the air, head tilted up as if you’re about to whistle.

Women will tilt their heads ceremoniously towards each other’s cheeks as if they’re planting kisses on each cheek without actually touching the cheek with their lips. They do this to say, “Kiss-kiss, but I don’t want to smudge my lipstick.” Often they’ll even say the words “kiss-kiss.”

Air kissing is used when you’re too busy for an actual kiss but you would like to acknowledge to all those present that there is amicability.

Kissing smack on the lips is the most intoxicating greeting.

In public it can be construed as either a sign of possession, an act of love, a status ploy, or a bid for lust. We would all prefer the latter when a pair of lips comes at us front and center. When greeted with a kiss on the lips, respond according to the intensity. The power is all in the response. Electricity is either there, or it isn’t. It’s not so much the type of kiss you accept, it’s how you feel when you receive it.

“I’d walk half way around the world
for just one kiss from you.” ---- The Backstreet Boys

Beware: There are people who plant kisses for the sake of show.

There are people who like to make everybody think that they are more intimate with a certain person than they actually are. It may be wishful thinking on their part, but it’s annoying to the recipient who feels she is being used.

Women, be savvy, when you’ve just kissed a man in public, check to see if you’ve left a bright red imprint of your hottest Chanel lipstick on his lips or cheek. Remove the telltale sign with that damp cocktail napkin wetted by your glass, or with your thumb. Don’t walk off leaving him looking like a clown.

Remember, kissing is one of the most romantic moves you can make, especially if you’re not trying to make it sexual. Use your hands on his or her back, shoulders, arms or neck and massage ever so gently. Try ending your kiss with a small tap of a kiss, as a kind of postscript.

MORE ON CONNECTING

Conversations are all about everybody getting on the same wavelength, getting in synch and sensing common interests, whether it is sports, business, politics, gossip, children or the who-do-you-know? Game. The more we are in synch, the closer we feel. The more spontaneous the synchronism, the more the conversation feels like a well-choreographed dance with everyone meshing movements. You might not even realize that you are synchronized because it is been done with such ease. If only for a few moments in time, the mutual feelings strengthen the bond and the rapport. When there is rapport there is a sense of friendliness and each person in the conversation feels acceptance, understanding and warmth. In order to be part of the conversation, you have to find the emotional glue that is keeping the conversation energized and jump in with social ease to feel the full rapport.

To be part of the conversation and feel the harmonious glow of being in simpatico, you need to:

Be aware of the shared positive feelings
Be fully engaged in the conversation
Be tuned to the topic of conversation
Be fully present by giving your full attention
Be animated because people in rapport are animated
Be sure your conversation is in synch with tone and pace
Be sure to express good feelings in the tone of your voice
Be sure your facial expressions show your good feelings
Be emotionally nourishing
Be an active listener

If you are insecure or shy, have a joke up your sleeve to break the ice. Or be prepared to talk about the latest breaking news. If your joke makes people laugh, you can rest on your laurels and let others talk. Late breaking news might peek everyone's interest, but there is nothing that helps to synchronize people engaging in conversation better than laughter.

Example: A childhood friend, Dick Brinkley, always has two fresh jokes up his sleeve. That way if you don’t laugh-out-loud at the first one, you get a second chance. Dick is a proper Bostonian lawyer, so it’s even more endearing when he makes us laugh because he has a seemingly effortless sense of rhythm and timing that makes his jokes work. Some people have it, some people just can’t tell a good joke. Making people laugh is a way to get people in synch, whether it is one-on-one or in a group. If you have the gift of timing and rhythm to pull off a good joke or two, by all means use it to your advantage.

Be savvy. A stimulating conversation requires a balance of input from all participants.

Think of sitting at the family dinner table where everyone has to have a say. A conversation, whether it is in a stuck elevator or at stuffy cocktail party, has to maintain a certain momentum to be engaging.

A Bad Conversation

A muddled conversation has mistimed responses and awkward silences. When the person seems restless and fidgety, or just tuned out, you know the conversation is over.

Be tuned to whomever you are talking to. Try to sense if you are on the same wavelength. The more people naturally synchronize their mannerisms and movements during the conversation, the better they will feel about the conversation and about you.

BE WARE. Contrary to pop psychology, intentionally trying to match someone else’s body language by imitating their posture, hand gestures, facial expressions, and language in not the way to strengthen the rapport. Faked synchrony always feels off. There is noting quite as annoying as having someone one mirror my movements by taking a sip when I take a sip and a bite to eat when I take a bite to eat, because it is way too mechanical and makes the whole encounter feel awkward.

Leaving a conversation is one of the trickiest things to do; it can be one of the cruelest social acts. Remember that parties are all about connecting and disconnecting. So: don’t take it personally. You have to become immune to the fact that there will be times when someone you’re talking to starts looking over your shoulder for someone else to talk to, and then leaves abruptly. She has wandered off leaving you wondering what to do next. Circulate.

If you’re the one who wants to leave, the oldest trick in the book is to say that you’re going to the bar and offer to get them another drink, or to the buffet and offer to bring them food. That should be their cue that you’re finished with the conversation. Ten minutes later they will spot you totally engrossed in another conversation. It happens.

Don’t feel guilty, if you are the one leaving the conversation. If you feel out of synch, because the conversation has lagged off and you’ve touched whatever bases you have in common, there is nothing wrong with moving on. Nobody wants to be stuck forcing a conversation punctuated by long silences. In a social situation emotions pass back and forth from outside to inside---and hopefully for the best---but, if you are uneasy, leave the person wanting more. Leave if you don’t feel comfortable. If you don’t feel that the other person is tuned into your wavelength, look around for a more likely prospect.

Do not to take it personally if you’ve been ditched. If you do, your shoulders will cave in and your smile will droop giving you an aura of malaise that will make you appear unreceptive to anyone else. Nobody will approach you if you look sad. A sad person looks down, so don’t look down, look ahead, move on and circulate.

Remember, there are people whose sole focus is to work the crowd.

They make a point of going from person to person to see how many people they can connect with. If your time expired, don’t take it personally. Chances are that person will behave in exactly the same manner to everyone else they approach. Don’t take it personally. Move on.

How to Identify the “Crowd Worker”

“The crowd worker” usually stands near the entrance to the event. They are often so aggressive that they can be mistaken for part of an undesignated receiving line. Standing at the entrance they are assured of not missing anyone of importance. Also, they can catch the newly arrived guest before he or she has a chance to get engrossed in conversation with others. Their eyes will be focused over your shoulder towards the entrance; that is your clue to move on before they ditch you.

Be savvy. If you don’t want to hurt feelings but you want to move on, you can suggest that you both go to the bar, or buffet, and perhaps you’ll run into someone you can introduce him to along the way, before you go on your merry way.

If you’ve talked to someone long enough, its perfectly all right to just come out and say that you’re going to talk to someone else, or look for the host, or cruise. After all, that’s what parties are for, to circulate in order to connect and disconnect. It goes without saying that a guest always makes a point of saying hello to the host. Even if you have to take this person with you to find the host, whom you would essentially be turning over to the host.

Example: “I haven’t seen Jack and Jackie yet, so I must find my hosts and say hello,” is the most polite way to leave a conversation.

Don’t take it personally, if someone you’re talking to says that they want to move on and “circulate.” Remember that many people go to parties because they want to network.

Be savvy. A good party has flow. No guest should feel stuck. My uncle used to say that the secret of a good cocktail party is to, “Never let them sit down, keep them moving.” So be a good guest and move around. If you sit, you’re more apt to get stuck. Keep moving and you’ll see how easily your brain will connect with another brain.

Remember to use your social intelligence. Your brain cells are wired to connect with other brains, so if you sense that the other person is contemplating moving on to talk to someone else, be sensitive to those feelings.

Be savvy. Be attentive to the people around you, search for smiles that give you the feeling that the person smiling has good intentions.

Don’t forget, that the stimulation from the party of people accentuates your alertness to emotional cues that people will be passing from person to person. If you are receptive, you will literally catch a feeling of goodwill from somebody else who has good intentions.

Your social life is governed by the interplay: you are attracted to a good-looking person, so: figure out how to meet him or her. You might sense a good feeling or a whiff of emotion that someone sends your way with her eyes, mouth, or hands. If you lean in towards him with your body, and catch him in an eyelock, you know that it is save to let down your guard and try to get to know him better.

One of the hosts’ jobs is to introduce guests to one another, so if you’re stuck and don’t know anyone, go find your host (even if you’ve already greeted him) and say, “I don’t know as many people tonight as I thought I would.”

` A good host will usher you over to a group and introduce you around to his friends.

A really good host will keep an eye out for a forlorn guest and ask, “Is there anyone you would like to meet?” If you say you don’t know anyone, they will introduce you to the nearest person. If the host knows you, he would not just announce your name but he might put you in the picture through your job, career, sport, or pedigree.

Remember hosts, you invited people presumably because you wanted your friends or business acquaintances to mix and connect, therefore you are obligated to look out for those who are having a hard time connecting.

When leaving a group you are not obligated to say why. For all they know, you could be going to the men’s room and will be back. If you don’t say good-bye, and you’re not leaving the event, you can always cruise around and come back to that group. They’ll be flattered you returned to pickup on the conversation.

Every guest’s nightmare when walking into a party is seeing someone they really don’t want to talk to. Perhaps, the person is greedy or needy and you don’t want him hanging on you.

Take the bull by the horns, go right up to him to say hello; after a few words you are free to go. Since you’ve already spoken with him, he should get the hint. You were polite and now you’re moving on. If they look edgy, you can say, “See you later.”

Be savvy. If you’ve been ditched, don’t follow. Even if you have another point that you would like to make. Be a self-sustaining guest, circulate and introduce yourself.

IN SUMMARY:

Greet people as if you know them, even if you don’t.

Introduce yourself, if you don’t know their name. Shake hands quickly but firmly for three seconds. In a group, let people off the hook, introduce yourself and tell them your connection to the event to generate conversation. Manners and etiquette are all about acting wisely in relationships. Your sociable brain navigates you through social events when timing and tuning in are important. Your interpersonal radar tells you whether you should flee or engage from those you encounter. You are wired to connect. Your brain links up with any brain you encounter. Your interpersonal thermostat continually resets your emotions into play, whether it’s laughing at jokes or being sympathetic to someone who needs nourishing. Parties are all about connecting and disconnecting.

Flow with the group. Enter, stop, and look around for the host; greet the host and then circumnavigate the party. Keep moving until you find the most familiar or interesting group. Don’t get stuck, life is short and parties flow.

Don’t forget to thank the host.

If the party was in your honor, send or bring a book or flowers. And, always phone or email the next day, even if it’s just to leave a message with your thanks. If you were only able to leave a message, be sure to follow up with words voice-to-voice of appreciate by phone or in writing very soon.

If the host has gone out of his way to introduce you or seat you with a potential employer or partner, be appreciative because most connections are made through friends.

Connecting is all about decreasing the degrees of separation.

Leave before the designated time.

Unless you’ve been specifically asked to stay longer, for instance if the host is continuing the event by giving a chosen few dinner, check your watch and don’t be the last person to leave.

How-to pick up on the fact that your host wants his guests to leave.

You will notice that food and beverages are no longer being offered.

Don’t be the person who will be remembered as the GUY who wouldn’t go home, because you might not be invited back.

Example: There is a very sweet guy in our town, let’s call him John, who often goes to parties without his wife, or they take two cars and leave separately. John never wants to go home and it’s a problem: He’s always the last to leave. They are such an integral part of the community that no one says anything about it to either of them. She’s been putting up with his staying out for decades and, apparently, she doesn't care anymore, but we, the hosts and guests, do care. We don’t like him driving home alone, however, we can’t enable him in his extended happy hour and take him home. Besides, he doesn’t want to go anyway.

IN GREATER DEPTH:

If all the above information seems too easy, too over simplified, you’re right. There are numerous attitudinal nuances involved with greeting, meeting and connecting.

Psychological attitudes affect body posture and social grace.

Be aware: Our emotions harden our body language.

Be able to read body language as a hint to what is going on:

*Unhappy people developed a scowl or frown.
*A smiling person has a sunny disposition that helps them to smile mentally.
*A sway back may signify that the person has low self-esteem.
*Someone who stands erect is apt to be more self-confident.
*The sway back person is probably less flexible mentally and physically.
*Drawn back shoulders might signify the holding of a lot of anger.
*Erect uptight shoulders mean the person is fearful and has their guard up.
*Squared shoulders could mean the person is shouldering a burden.
*A sad person averts his or her eyes downward.

BE SAVVY. Observing how a person moves, walks, stands, and sits will tell you a lot about their personality, mood, and social graces.

Beware: Compulsive touchers need to understand body language.

All social interactions have two elements, the delivery and the reception of the message.

The most overt gesture in body language is touch. The touch of a hand, arm, or the placing of an arm around someone’s shoulders can be a far more direct way of getting your feelings across. At the right moment, it can be magical. At the wrong moment it can make the receiver feel incredibly uncomfortable. It is important to observe a person’s body language before making physical contact.

Our brains are tuned into those around us when we connect face-to-face, voice-to-voice, skin-to-skin with another person; emotion passes from one person to another and back silently without anyone being particularly conscious of it. Be aware of this private tango that can go on between two people in a crowded room.

The signs we make with our body parts forewarn others that we are available; or that we are lonely, feeling needy, stressed or emotionally unavailable, and are therefore resisting the present moment. Specifically:

We tap our fingers when we’re impatient.
We rub our noses when we’re confused.
We lift an eyebrow in disbelief at what someone says.
We raise both eyebrows when we’re shocked.
We shrug our shoulders when we’re indifferent.
We wink to create or intimate intimacy.
We scratch our head when we’re trying to remember.
We clasp our arms to protect and isolate ourselves.
We slap our forehead when we’ve made a faux pas.
We point our finger when we know something.
We smile when we are receptive.

Remember: The way in which we protect our personal space and make advances towards others are integral to how we relate socially.

BE SAVVY: Everyone has his or her own spatial needs.

Remember there are three territorial spears:

An intimate distance
A social distance
A public distance

Example: You see a person you’ve known for a long time at a cocktail party but you haven’t socialized with them in awhile; you walk toward them but when they see you headed their way, they turn to someone else and chat. You’re being ignored. For whatever reason, that person is not interested in talking to you, so take the hint and walk on by.

BE AWARE OF YOUR OWN BODY LANGUAGE.

Remember that most human communication happens through a series of signals, poses, and a jockeying for personal space.

Be savvy. Not only are these nonverbal aspects of face-to-face encounters fascinating, but also it is imperative to observe them.

It is important to be aware of your own nonverbal clues and signals as well as the tone of your voice.

Body language is a complex series of small actions involving not just your posture but the words and tone of your voice. To understand someone else you have to be aware of what your own body language means.

BE SAVVY, if you are not tuned into watching for nonverbal communication, chances are your relations with others won’t be all that interesting, let alone exciting.

Researchers have documented over a million nonverbal signals and cues.

In a simple greeting or introduction the exchange between two people is seven percent verbal and 38 percent vocal that includes the inflections and tone of the voice. This means 55 percent are nonverbal.

In a face-to-face ongoing conversation between two people 35 percent of the signals and cues are verbal and 65 percent of the communication is done through body language.

According to social behaviorists, words are used mostly to divulge information, and the rest is nonverbal and in many instances is used instead of verbal communications.

Example: When a man is asked to do something he’s not sure he wants to do, without saying a word he will inevitably roll his eyes making it clear that he has to think about the request for a moment before answering. If the women’s tone of voice is shrill or bossy, he will give a different response than if it is playful or loving.

Beware. In general we are so unaware of the motions we make with our own body and the inflections we make with our voice that we often don’t notice when someone’s body is telling a different story than their words.

Be savvy. If you’re tuned into their nonverbal cues and clues, it’s easy to check the similarities and differences with the verbal.

If we have an intuitive feeling that someone has told a lie, what we are really saying is that his or her body language and words do not match up.

Their body is saying one thing while their voice is saying something different.

Example: Julia Roberts has had a particularly gruelingly long day on her film set, but she’s attending the impromptu private cast party to show she’s one of the troupes. Her crossed arms and legs show certain tightness and withdrawal, a reticence to having to be there. Although the tone of her voice is sweet and friendly, her body language is actually contradicting her friendly verbal communications.

Women, of course, are at a greater advantage because they have “women’s intuition,” an innate ability to pick up on nonverbal signals and cues stemming from the fact that women have had to read the needs of babies who couldn’t yet talk. Consequently, their ability to pick up on the tiny details and nuances comes more easily.

Remember that you can never explain a single sign by itself from other signals.

Be savvy. Look at all the signals in total as a group.

Much like a language, nonverbal communication consists of words, sentences, paragraphs and punctuation. Think of every gesture as a word and like many words it may have more than one meaning.

Anyone can use nonverbal communication to understand and meet the challenge of a face-to-face encounter; it doesn't matter if you’re in sales, or if you’re a manager or an executive. It’s not just for professional actors.

DON’T BE CLUELESS. A clueless person cannot read the nonverbal signs clearly enough to find the similarities and dissimilarities between the nonverbal message and the verbal message.

Beware. If nonverbal signals have five times the wallop of words being spoken and the two are inconsistent, we get confused. That’s when communication breaks down.

Example: Picture that you are talking to a business associate and his legs are crossed, his right arm is folded in towards his stomach cradling his elbow, and his left first finger is pointed and resting on the side of his left cheek. Altogether this cluster of signs means that in his heart and head he is feeling negative, critical or disapproving. If the words coming out of his mouth are positive, its up to you to see through the conflicting messages you’re receiving visually and verbally in order to really know what’s going on.

How to Lie Safely

If you’re going to lie, don’t deliver the lie in person. Telephone, write a letter, or email your lies.

Be savvy. Lairs pay closer attention to the words that they use because they are censoring them before speaking them. Lying not only takes mental efforting but it takes time. To be a good liar, you have to really concentrate on your words, as well as on your facial expressions. When you are really attuned to someone who is lying you cannot help but feel, if only subtly, that they are lying.

Remember, at the first sign of tension you know that you are too near, too close, that “You’ve invaded my space.” Understand that your presence is making the person uneasy, perhaps even stressful, so back off.

Signs that you’re too close:
His or her body is rocking or swaying
Legs are swaying or swinging
Foot is tapping

Signs that you should go away:
Closed eyes
Bowing of their head to the chest
Hunching of their shoulders
Turning of their body away from you

Be savvy. A struggle for privacy is a direct reflection of the person’s inner personality. Introverted people especially will cling to their privacy. Like or not, most of us try to keep a two-foot bubble, a body buffer zone of privacy, around us because our sense of personal space is tremendously complex.

Example: There is nothing more annoying and unnerving than a tailgater or a stalker. Even having someone hovering over you like a waiter or salesperson can be stressful.

Remember, resistance to the present moment causes stress.

EYE CONTACT

The importance of connecting through eye contact cannot be overemphasized.

Clearly good eye contact is crucial to really hearing and truly listening.

It is perfectly polite to engage in eye contact while talking.

Eye contact shows interest, alertness, and attentiveness.

Beware: Don’t over do it because you might give the listener the impression that you’re psycho, if you stare into their eyes for an uncomfortably long period of time.

Intense eye contact is fine at the start of a conversation when you’re making sure the listener is actually interested in what you’re saying, but at some point you need to ease off the intensity, if you want them to continue being comfortably engaged in the conversation.

Be savvy. After awhile it’s less intense if instead of staring into his or her pupils, you focus your gaze on the left eye only, or on the tip of her nose or his chin. (Don’t bother feeling self-conscience; they won’t realize you’ve lessened the intensity because it will feel more comfortable to both of you.) He or she will know you’re focused, but you’ll be letting them have the appropriate eye space.

Beware of eyelock. If your listener moves their eyes out of your focus, it means that your focus is too intense.

To bring them back into focus, look at the tip of their nose or chin, or focus on their left eye. Perhaps, you might also need to lighten up on the conversation. If you don’t have the person’s attention, you are not having good rapport. Seeing eye-to-eye opens the brain waves to being simpatico.

Beware: If shifting your focus doesn’t work, take your cue: the person is hinting that the conversation has run its course. Your conversation has to be in synch with timing and pacing, as well as in the voice tone and facial expression.

On the other hand, if your listener's eyes are like lasers beaming into your pupils: gaze down at his and her shoes for a couple of seconds before re-focusing on, say, their chin, neck, tie knot or necklace. Even if the person doesn’t get the hint, at least you’ll feel more comfortable.

Example: I always thought it was odd that a certain friend, after making initial eye contact, always looked down at my shoes. Then as I got to know Christopher better I realized that he wasn’t really interested in my shoes at all. Looking at my shoes was a stress reliever. After saying hello, he would look at my shoes before giving me a social kiss. Being the gentleman that he is, he waits for me to lean towards him for a hello kiss, but only until he can access my footwork does he know if I would be receptive. The fact that Christopher is eight inches taller may have a lot to do with it.

BE SAVVY, there is a social grace in the time limit during which we can have four-eye eye contact and then we must gently gaze away.

If you have inadvertently invaded someone's eye buffer zone,
make your eyes slide away after three seconds.

HANDSHAKES

The many styles of handshakes are based on intensity and the need to control. Keep it fast and alert. Try to give and keep a vertical handshake for no more than three seconds. If you get caught in some of these alternatives, they can be dealt with swiftly and gracefully.

If you’re given a fish hand, the person is probably not interested in you. Skin-to-skin is one thing, buy a sloppy wet handshake reminds up of high school.

If someone leans towards you to draw you into their space with the strength of their arm to shake your hand, you know that they are trying to sell you something. You can stave them off by crossing in front of them and positioning your hand in the vertical position.

In Summary: If you take the initiative and reach your right hand towards him or her in the vertical position, you’re setting the tone for an encounter of equal status.

Masking

The Smile is the most obvious way in which we guard our personal zone. As the saying goes:

When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.

Smiling is not only the sign of pleasure and humor, but a smile can also be used in an apology. Surprisingly enough very few smiles have any real significance. When most people enter into social situations they put on their social pose, their social face. Your smile becomes a part of the mask you wear.

BE SAVVY. While your mask enables you to maintain your privacy and stave off unwanted relationships and confrontations, it can also work to keep the people you really want to be close to at a distance.

To flirt, gaze at the object of your flirtation a bit longer than is usual and don’t let his or her eyes slip from yours. Narrow your gaze as if to say, “I’ve got you in focus.” Once you’ve got him or her in an eyelock, you can let them go. You just might have ignited a flame. You might want to wait to see if he or she comes back to rekindle that flame. You might not realize how you were synchronizing, because it was done with such ease. “Mirror neurons” reflect back what you feel. The more you are in synch, the closer the two of you will feel. Once your eyes meet your bodies will get closer and soon you will be feeling comfortable talking.

To get him or her to respond, relax and be receptive. Open your arms upwards with your palms facing up while you talk and smile. Having his or her attention isn’t quite enough to create good rapport because those good feelings have to be expressed in your tone of voice, as well as in your facial expressions. You have to engage him or her in the kind of animated conversation that encourages the loosening up of emotions. In social ease we feel comfortable. Be fully present and focus your attention on being a terribly good listener.

People ask me, what constitutes a good friendship. I say listen to what people have to say, and respond.

To ask Didi Lorillard questions about introductions, go to Ask Didi.

Coming Soon to www.NewportManners.com
TopicTwo:  Entertaining