Frequently Asked Questions
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Acknowledgments
Q Do I send thank-you notes to everyone who attends a funeral view/funeral or only those who sent flowers/cards/memorials?
A Usually the funeral parlor will give you acknowledgment cards to send out to all those who sent flowers, cards and memorials. Stationery stores might also have preprinted cards. Or you might have fold over cards printed on ecru paper that say:
The family of
Insert first middle and last name of deceased
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy
You might want to personalize the cards with a couple of sentences of your own inside.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Acknowledgments
Q Sending thank-you notes for funeral condolences--who do/don't you send to?? Those who sent flowers, gifts, meals, and of course all those who attended the service, but what about those who sent cards?
A It is customary to send out acknowledgment cards for all of the above. The only exception might be if a mourner attended at the service but did Not send a personal note, card, gift, flowers are meals. If you have an acknowledgment card printed up, you can divide the list between family members, and divvy up the task. Try to include a couple of personal words in the inside before signing your name. Use the deceased name instead of this one and center the lines on the ecru card with black ink:
The family of
Charles Winston Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Acknowledgments for Sympathy Cards
Q Is it necessary to write thank-you notes for sympathy cards after a death in the family?
A Usually the funeral home will give the family cards to send out or you can have printed up quickly fold-over ecru sheets of paper where printed in black might be these words:
The family of
Charles William Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy
Inside family members can write a personal sentence or two and sign it.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Charitable Donations
Q What polite and correct way to ask for a charitable donation at a funeral rather than flowers?
A You would say, "In lieu of flowers a charitable donation can be made to......"
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q One of my best friends of over 40 years mother died. I've known the entire family that long. She has one sister and a father. Do I need to send all of them individual sympathy cards? And is money always appropriate?
A You don't "need" to do anything. If you feel like sending a note of compassion, it might be the considerate thing to do. No, you would not send money unless you were close to the family and knew they were having trouble paying the expenses of the funeral. Often the newspaper announcement will ask people to send a donation to the deceased's favorite charity in lieu of sending flowers.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q What is proper funeral etiquette? Who gets a formal thank-you? For example, I know that I would send a thank-you for mass cards and the like and floweres. Does everyone who comes to the funeral parlor get one?
A Not everyone who attends the funeral needs a thank-you note. You might send thank-you notes to those who send flowers and cards. If the funeral parlor has not given you thank-you note cards, you can find them in a good stationery store. If you wish to have some made up, this is the standard form.
The family of
(insert the first, middle and last name of deceased)
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy
You might wish to write a couple of personalized sentences inside before signing your name.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q How long after the funeral for your father do thank-you cards have to be sent out?
A Within three months is a respectable time frame for acknowledging expressions of sympathy.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q Do you pay the preacher for conducting the service at the funeral/ The payment can be made before or after the service.
A Yes, a payment would be given to the preacher who conducted the ceremony. If you call the preacher's office, the person who handles the scheduling will be able to tell you the fee and when the fee should be paid.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q Funeral Service Etiquette. Do you pay the church, when and how much? Also, I know you pay the officiating priest; however, if he refuses, is it okay to take him to dinner, etc.? A previous parishioner. The priest is retired and is a friend. Is there anyone else who should be remembered?
A Churches have different ways of handling this. Why not call the parish office and speak to the scheduler who will tell you the protocol for your particular church? Most likely you would leave separate envelopes with a thank-you note and token of gratuity for the priest who officiated and the organist or music director. Yes, you can inivite the priest out for dinner.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q What is proper etiquette for attending a viewing and/or funeral for a close friend's brother-in-law?
A There really aren't any fast held rules for viewings and funerals. The important thing is to dress and act respectfully. The best thing to do is to watch and observe what others are doing. The closer you are to the family, the closer you would sit to the family. So, say, if you are a co-worker, casual friend, or neighbor, you might sit towards the back. The family and close friends would file out first and you would wait until they had passed to leave. Usually there is a book that you would sign at the entrance. Customarily in lieu of flowers many families prefer that a donation be sent to the nonprofit or charity of the family's choice. The funeral parlor and newspaper announcement would have that information.
You do not necessarily have to wear black, but you would wear somber colors. Not red for instance. Since you might be on your feet for periods of time, you would want to wear comfortable shoes but be sure that they are well-shined. If you have a tendency to cry at emotional occasions, be sure to bring tissues or a handkerchief. Lots of times the actual burial is private for the family only. If you have any questions, it is the funeral parlor's staff's job to dispense all information. As different denominations have different customs and even customs can vary from region to region, it is best to look around and follow closely what others are doing. If you have a specific question about, say, what you should wear, please email me back with your gender and age and I would be happy to help you further. Dark suits are appropriate. You would not chew gum and your cellphone would be off at all times. It is also customary to arrive fifteen minutes before the start of the service, as nobody should be walking in looking for a seat after the service has begun. Additionally, you would write to a member of the family to say that you are sorry for their loss. A sympathy card would do or you can use your best social stationary.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette
Q I have been dating a guy for 5 months, his sister just passed away. I have not met any of his family. Is it proper to attend the visitation and funeral? Or should I only attend the visitation?
A It would be best if you asked your guy. Tell him that you would like to be with him at this time and attend the visitation and funeral, but that you do not want to be intrusive. Say that you want him to tell you what he wants you to do, or not do. The problem is that if you don't do anything, he might silently hold it against you, but on the other hand you did not know her. If you are in a committed relationship, then you want to be openly supportive of your guy. Five months seems like a long enough time to be able to talk to him honestly. Try saying, "I don't want to intrude but I would like to be supportive." Perhaps if you told him that you would stay in the background and sit towards the back, that might give him the kind of space that he needs in order to tell you what he wants you to do. By all means, if you really care about this guy, you will want to be near him in order to comfort him without being intrusive.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette Boyfriend's Mother
Q Is it in good taste to send flowers to a memorial service for an old boyfriend's mother? We went out for 6 years back in high school and college. We have since married others and have been married to others for almost 20 years.
A This is a gut feeling. Go with it. If his mum was kind and sweet to you, why would you not acknowledge her kindness?
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attire
Q What to wear and what to do at a funeral service/viewing?
A Wear a well-cut, dark, lightweight suit. If you are a woman wear a skirt-suit, a hat or scarf, short gloves, dark shoes and bag. If you are a man, wear a good shirt with a collar and a tie, dark shoes and socks matching the trousers. If it is raining, take an umbrella.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Boyfriend's Family Wake
Q My daughter's boyfriend of 7 months had an aunt who has just died. Having never met the boyfriend's family as of yet, we are curious as to whether we should send flowers or should we go to the wake?
A If your daughter is in a committed relationship with this fellow, it may be an opportunity for you to meet the family. Only you and your daughter can decide if it would be appropriate for you to try to connect with his family at this point in time.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Contribution Use
Q Didi, my father died. We had the funeral. My two brothers are the "executors" of the estate. My friend came to the visitation, left a card, and enclosed a check for $20.00. The check was made out to me and my family.
My brothers said the money was to be put in the "pot". So they made me pay them $20.00 and then I could cash the check made out to me.
I don't know the proper etiquette. Can you give me your thoughts? How I feel is that this person gave my family $20 so we can use it to get our minds off "things".
I am open to the correct answer.
A You are not going to like my answer, but the check was intended to be put towards burial costs and any other expenses that incurred due to your dad's death. You certainly do have the right to be reimbursed for any output of expenses by your brothers. Show the receipt and they should in all fairness reimburse you. Even if you bought food for the house or paid for gas to drive around relatives in your own car, you should be reimbursed.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledging Plant from Co-workers
Q I have to send a thank-you note to my place of employment. My mother died and the company sent a beautiful plant. Do I say to all at---? How do I start?
A If the plant was from six co-workers or less, you might send each a short thank-you note called an acknowledgment. If the plant is from a large group, address the acknowledgment to all the names on the gift card. You did not say if the plant was sent to you, to the graveside, or the funeral. You might say something such as this: "My family deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy. We are devastated by our loss. Thank you for the beautiful plant in my mother's memory."
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments: For Mother-In-Law
Q My mother-in-law asked me to send a thank-you card to my side of the family for sending a plant to the funeral of my father-in-law. What is the correct way to say thank you and how should it be signed, since it is also from my mother-in-law?
A It is customary for family to share the writing of the acknowledgments. You are good to do so. Write something such as this:
Alice asked me to thank you on behalf of the family for the lovely white lily that you sent to the church in memory of Jack. If you only knew how much Alice loves white lilies! She was delighted to see it and now to have it at home with her. In her own time and in her own way, I am sure that Alice will thank you in conversation personally. Again, Jack's family deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy. Lots of love always, Connie
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Cash Gifts to Survivors
Q When someone dies, is it appropriate to give the survivors a cash gift?
A It would depend upon your relationship to the deceased and the survivors and the financial situation of the survivors. If you know that the survivors have incurred debt from the deceased, they will surely be grateful for your help. If there is a mutual friend you can ask for advice, he might have a better take on the situation. Often friends will offer to pay for a specific thing, for instance the cremation or the cost of the bartender at the reception.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Charitable Gifts In Memory
Q My relative passed away and my sister and I would like to send a donation to her charity as requested in her obituary. Do we send it to the charity directly or do we include it in the card? If we send it to the charity directly. do we mention it in the card or is that not polite to say we made a donation and do we say what amount? help..
A The check is made out to and sent directly to the charity along with a short note giving your names and addresses. You will receive a thank-you note acknowledging your gift from the charity as well as a receipt for tax purposes, which is why you and your sister might want to send separate checks. The charity then sends a list of all donations and the names of the donors to the family, who will then send you their own acknowledgment(s).
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Crying at Funerals
Q I feel so stupid because I always cry at funerals even when they aren't relatives. How stupid is this? I can't help it.
A You would be surprised at how many people weep at funerals. Funerals are not just about the recently departed, they dredge up feelings from the past; they are just as much about the other dearly departed who are no longer in our lives.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Do You Send Thank-You for Sympathy Card
Q When you get sympathy cards for a deceased member of your family should you respond with a thank-you card?
A If you wish to sustain the relationship with the person who sent the sympathy card, send an acknowledgment. It can be a handwritten note, a boxed acknowledgment from the funeral parlor, or one you have printed up.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Donations
Q When making an honorarium to a foundation for a deceased person, is it necessary to let the relative of the deceased know that a contribution was made, or should that acknowledgment come from the foundation?
A You will receive a receipt from the foundation for tax purposes, and more than likely a personal thank-you note from the family. The family will be sent a list of all those who sent donations, along with their address, though not necessarily mentioning the amount that you gave.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-husband's Funeral
Q Ex-husband, father of my (2) sons recently passed away. We had both remarried, I for 32 years and he for 25 or more years. The sons are grown men in their forties. My husband and I sent a sympathy basket to the widow and intend to send a card to her as well. The deceased was cremated and there will be a brief graveside service at a military base and I wish to send a spray or wreath. Would that be proper and how should the card read? As I have told my sons, I will be eternally grateful to him for giving me two wonderful sons. The deceased and his widow had no children. I would like to honor his memory as well as his widow's feelings.
A You might want to send the spray or wreath from you, your husband, and your sons and their families. If the sons are sending their own wreaths, then just be sure that your husband's name is on the wreath you send. You need not say much on the card because it is not being sent to your ex-husband's wife. "In loving memory," is always a lovely phrase to write on a wreath card.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-Wife in Receiving Line
Q Hello Didi...Is it proper, under any circumstances, for an ex-wife to stand in the receiving line at her former husband's funeral? They were separated and divorced for more than 15 years and the husband remarried. The new wife was in attendance and was shocked that the ex-wife just stood in line without any prior notice. Thank you.
A Funerals bring up all sorts of unresolved emotions. It sounds as if the ex-wife was drawn, or felt compelled, to stand in the receiving line. It is hard to tell from your question whether the ex-wife was distraught or just a pushy social climber. In my opinion, if the ex-wife had children with the deceased, then she would be invited and depending upon her relationship with the new wife, also, invited to stand in the receiving line. I am afraid that this is one of those situations where you have to go up the ladder and let it go. Obviously, if the marriage ended with both parties hating each other and holding grudges, then the ex should not have stood in the receiving line.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Family Sending Flowers
Q If a grandson sends flowers for his grandmother's funeral, should he be sent a thank-you?
A All expressions of sympathy should be acknowledged; however, since acknowledgment cards usually state that the note is from the family, the grandson would not necessarily receive such a note because he is part of the family. In conversation, the grandson might be acknowledged for the flowers, but then would the grandson thank, say, his grandmother's son or daughter or his siblings for sending flowers? Probably not. There are so many details and so many acknowledgments to get out for a funeral that family pretty much hangs tight as a unit on this.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gift for Co-worker's Deceased Mother
Q A co-worker's mother passed two weeks ago. Is it too late to send flowers? Is there a more appropriate gift to send?
A I don't know how tight your relationship with the co-worker is so cannot tell you to what extend you need to proceed. It is customary to send a small check to the charity of the mother's choice. Often in lieu of flowers, the deceased has designated a charity for people to give to in her name instead of sending flowers. Tell the co-worker that you are sorry for his loss and that you would like to send a small check to her favorite charity. The check need not be for more than you would have spent on flowers. The family will be notified by the charity and you will receive a thank-you note from the family; the charity might send you a receipt for tax purposes.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Giving Money After the Funeral
Q Is it appropriate to give money to the family after a death?
A It depends if this is the custom amongst this circle of friends. If you know the family needs money to help to cover the cost of the funeral, then by all means give them a check; however, it might be best to check with a member of the family or close personal friend to find out if this is in fact customary. It would most likely depend upon the socioeconomic status of the family, whether they need the money or would be insulted by the your generosity. So: ask.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Service When Body Went to Science
Q My cousin's father just passed away. He donated his body to science, so there was no wake or funeral. She is planning a Memorial Service. She wanted to know if it would be tacky to send invitations with a RSVP. She doesn't know how she will be able to let people know about the event if she doesn't send out invitations. Please advise. Thank You So Much!!
A It would not be tacky to send invitations with an RSVP. Traditionally, Memorial Services are announced by word of mouth and are carried on the obituary page of the local newspapers.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Obituary Name if Many Times Married
Q When a woman has been married multiple times, how is she "named" in her obituary?
A The obituary will print only the information that you provide to the newspaper or funeral parlor, unless the person is a prominent or public figure. Therefore, whoever provides the information controls what is printed. The woman would be listed as she would have called herself; it is the name she would have used on her most recent formal stationery or the name she has directed to be used on her gravestone, which could be different from the name on her legal documents.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Photographs at Funeral
Q Is it appropriate to take pictures at a funeral when it is a somber occasion?
A If a member of the family is taking the pictures or has asked someone to take photos, then it is okay. Nowadays with families spread all over, sadly, sometimes the only time families get together are for funerals and, therefore, it may be the only opportunity for a family photo. Whoever takes the photos should have been asked to do so, or should have asked permission.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Printed Labels for Thank-You Notes
Q Is it acceptable to use the computer to print address labels to be placed on funeral thank-you notes? Of course, the notes inside will be personally handwritten.
A No, because if someone takes the time to send an expression of sympathy, you want to take the time to hand-write the envelope. Another problem is that a lot of people do not open their labeled mail on a priority basis because labels don't look official, like the electric bill, or personal as in a thank-you note. Sure, you can get away slapping a label on the envelope, but it just never looks as nice as a handwritten address.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Red at Funeral
Q Why can't you wear red to a funeral?
A Why would you want to call attention to yourself by wearing red to a funeral?
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Reponse to Sympathy
Q When you have had death in your family and people extend their condolences, "I am so sorry to hear about your sister's death", what is the proper response?
A "Thank you for your kind words," are the only words you need to say.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sending Money in a Sympathy Card
Q Should you put money in a sympathy card?
A As I do not know the financial circumstances of the family, I do not know if they need money to cover the cost of the funeral. You might want to talk to a member of the family or a close friend to find out the best way you can help the family. Sending a sympathy card is always appropriate.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Stepparent in Obituary
Q In what order do you list stepparent in an obituary?
A In an obituary the names of the survivors and their relationship to the deceased appear before the details of the funeral service and interment, unless it is the name of the spouse. You would list the stepparent last, after the last mention of children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Addressing
Q If it is my brother's wife's sister (sister in law) that passed, do I send the card to JUST my sister-in-law, whose sister passed, or do I address it to Mr. and Mrs., including my brother? I put Just HER first and last name. Did I do it wrong?
If so, what can I do?
A In my opinion, you did the correct thing. Not to worry. After all it is your sister-in-law's sister who passed.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Personalized
Q What is the proper way to fill out a sympathy card?
A It would depend upon how well you knew the deceased and how well you knew the person to whom you were sending the sympathy card. Whatever you do, don't just sign your name. A handwritten sentence or two might be a good way to personalize your sympathy. Perhaps something of this nature: I am so sorry for your loss. Our (My) love and prayers are with you and your family.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Sent or Take to Funeral
Q Is it customary to bring a sympathy card to the funeral that you are attending? At the viewing do you bring one? I thought if you could not attend then you send a card.
A It is considerate to send the cards because cards can get misplaced and lost. If the card is sent, you know the recipients will have it to appreciate in their own time.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Donation Acknowledgments
Q Must one write thank-you notes for donations in his father's honor: his father passed away about one month ago?
A Yes, it is proper to acknowledge all gifts. In most quality stationery stores he can find boxed acknowledgment cards or he can have some made up to read something like this but the lines are centered and filling in his father's first, middle and last names:
The family of
John Wilson Doe
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.
Then inside the card he can handwrite a couple of sentences and sign his name.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Cards
Q When sending thank-you cards after a funeral - do you send cards to those who send you a sympathy card and do you send a card to those who attended the funeral?
A You do not need to thank people for coming to the funeral, except perhaps in conversation. Traditionally, all expressions of sympathy through cards, flowers, and charitable donations are acknowledged. Better stationery stores have boxed acknowledgments that you can personalize, or you can have them made up to share with other family members.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Condolences
Q Should I respond with a thank-you to those who sent cards after the funeral of my mother? The funeral home supplied small preprinted cards. Should I use these and add a sentence or two to personalize?
A You are not required to add your own sentences to the preprinted cards, but the effort you make will surely be appreciated by the recipients.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Condolences
Q After a funeral do you send a thank-you card to everyone who sent cards or just the ones who sent other things like flowers, food, etc.?
A It is customary to send the boxed acknowledgments or have one printed up, if you can't find any in a stationary store that suits you, to all those who expressed their sympathy. You can add a personal line, "The white lilies you sent were so beautiful," before signing your name. The ecru colored card with black ink might read something such as this (you would use your own information and center the lines on the card):
The family of
Charles Stuart Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Tipping the Clergyman
Q Is it proper etiquette to tip a minister after a funeral service?
A The clergyman receives a fee for his service. Traditionally, that fee is established ahead of time by talking to the parish secretary. A check enclosed in an envelope would be given to a member of the family to give to the clergyman at the end. The actual amount would depend upon how much time the clergyman spent arranging the funeral, the program, and tending to family members. For instance, did he go to the house, the funeral parlor, the wake, and the grave? If the funeral in question has past, call the parish house office for the clergyman's address and send it.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Bring for Sitting Shiva
Q What do you bring to a shiva?
A It would depend upon whether the deceased was an Orthodox, Conservative or Reform Jew, because Reform Jews do not socialize after the death of a family member. If the family is Orthodox, they sit at home for seven days, and it is called "sitting Shiva." In the evening friends and neighbors come by bringing gifts of food and sit with the family. Perhaps you should call a mutual friend of yours and the deceased and ask them to suggest something for you to bring because the family will not be answering phone messages or emails at that time.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Bring to Funeral Shiva
Q What do I bring to a funeral shiva?
A To be safe, if you do not know if they are kosher of not, bring uncut fruit or pastries from a kosher bakery.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Say in Response to Sympathy
Q When you have had death in your family and people extend their condolences, "I am so sorry to hear about your sister's death", what is the proper response?
A "Thank you for your kind words," are the only words you have to say.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral Service Arrival
Q How early should you arrive for a funeral?
A Of course, if you are a member of the family, you will arrive with the family from the family house; however, if you are a friend or distant relative or business associate, you need to arrive at the funeral before the family. I try to arrive twenty minutes before the time stated in the newspaper because the funeral is about the family of the deceased (and of course the dearly departed), and it is a matter of respect that we are all seated in our pews before the family arrives. The casket or urn may or may not be there already. If you are a member of the extended family, a distant cousin or good friend, you would sit in a pew on the right hand side of the church or way up front on the left. If the usher doesn't know you, he may ask you where you would like to sit. If I see that the left hand side of the church is conspicuously empty, I'll ask to sit up front on that side because it is awful to have a vast vacant space in the front while latecomers are crowded in the back. Even at funerals, it is important to be a self-sustaining guest.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral: Acknowledgments
Q My etiquette question is...My mother-in-Law passed away a few weeks ago. I had thank-you cards made to send to people who sent flowers, mass cards, and fruit baskets. What I am wondering is do I need to send 'thank-you' cards to the people who sent only a sympathy card? I thought so, two other people told me I should send them, but my sister-in-law said that you don't need to send thank-you cards for just a card. What is proper etiquette for this situation? I Would love to know the correct thing to do. Thanks...Char
A Your sister-in-law is correct you do not need to send a card for a card; however, a lot of people do and therefore a lot of people think it is proper and expect a card. It is really your call. If the card is from a person whose relationship you would like to sustain, you would send a card. At the very least you would acknowledge that card in conversation the next time you spoke to him or her.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral: Ex-Husbands & Ex-Wives
Q My husband's ex-wife just passed away. They have 4 grown children who have little (basically no) contact with their father or our family. We have been married for 15 years. She never remarried. What is the funeral etiquette for this situation? Who goes or does not go? Is sending flowers appropriate?
A Your husband would go to the funeral in support of his grown children and his grandchildren. He would send flowers. As his children have had no contact with their father or you, he would attend the funeral out of respect for the mother. It is one of those be damned if you do, be damned if you don't situations. In my opinion, you would go up the ladder and attend the service. You would only go to the burial, if specifically invited by one of the children. Remember that this is a huge window of opportunity for your husband to bond with his children and perhaps start a new chapter in their relationship. Be open, kind, and compassionate. Just the fact that you care to wonder what you should do is hugely big. You and your husband are role models of behavior to his children and their families, even if you haven't had any contact, so: make time to reconnect. Let bygones be bygones. Don't assume that they don't want to have contact with you or your husband. Losing their mother might make them more emotional towards their father. But it could go either way, so you will have to be sensitive as to whether they want you to go to the burial or not. If there is a reception after the funeral and the program or priest announces that all guests are invited to the reception, then you can go. Perhaps if your husband does decide to send flowers, they should be from just him.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral: Funeral + Memorial Service: Paying the Minister
Q My father passed away recently. We had a small funeral service and a memorial service is scheduled at the church where he was an active member. The minister was/will be present at both and has been great.
I asked the minister about payment and he told me that no payment was required for church members. Nevertheless, I plan to give a substantial gift (I was thinking $1000.00).
The question is: should this all go to the church, or should I give the minister a gratuity out of or in addition to this?
A You would give the minister an envelope with a check inside, and mail a check to the church with the remainder. Exactly how much you pay the minister depends upon how much time he has spent with you and your family, travel time, and time officiating at the church. Two hundred dollars would be a reasonable nominal feel, but if he officiated at both the funeral and the memorial service, you might want to give him half, with the other five hundred dollars going to the church. It was not clear to me if he is officiating at both the funeral and the memorial and whether he had to travel in order to officiate. Assuming that he officiated at both, you would be validating the time that he spent by paying him five hundred. No payment is required or expected; however, you would want to compensate him for his time and expenses.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral: Gifting Donations
Q Dear Didi,
My husband's father passed away a few weeks ago and at the funeral there were many cards with cash and checks made out to his family in general which were all given to the widow (my husband's mother) along with monies she received in her name specifically. In addition a few family members and close friends that were closer to my husband gave and sent my husband cards and a few checks made out specifically to my husband on the loss of his father and sadly his family has pounced on him within days of the funeral demanding he turn over all the cash and checks (which by the way was a very small amount) and he is very upset and appalled by his family's behavior...
He said all checks and cash given on behalf of the "family" should and did go to his Mom but whatever the siblings received directly in their name is up to them to do as they wished...(the small amount of money my husband received was given to charity on behalf of his father) so I was wondering what your advise would be on this?
A As the money had already been gifted to a charity in your father-in-law's memory, there really isn't an issue. Photocopy the receipt from the charitable organization and send each family member a copy along with a short note saying that you had been entrusted to donate the money to a charity that your father might have chosen.
Codes + Conduct: Funeral: Obituary: Ex-Wife
Q What if any mention should there be in an obituary where: a couple has been divorced for >15 years, they have 3 grown children in their 30's+, the wife re-married, the father had multiple sclerosis and passed away in a nursing home. The wife provided support to her first husband and they were on genial terms but she feels awkward in being listed as his ex-wife.
A Remember that you only have to give out information that you want people to know---or to remember. If you're writing the obituary, you write what you want people to read. There is no reason to mention an "ex-wife." However, you could include her by saying something such as this, "He is survived by his former wife, Alice H. Crawford, and their three children," (then list the children). Or you can just say, "He is survived by his three children," and then list their names. "Former wife" always sounds more genial than "ex-wife." The only reason to list the former wife at all would be because she is the mother of his children, but if that makes her uncomfortable, she doesn't have to be listed.
Codes + Conduct: Funerals: Gloves + Hat
Q What is the purpose of wearing gloves at a funeral? What color should they be? Is it still proper to wear a hat?
A In my opinion, gloves and a hat are totally appropriate to wear to a funeral, although you might find that you are the only one wearing off-white gloves in warm weather. Wearing a hat can be very chic. What you want to remember is to look in the mirror before leaving the house and take off at least one accessory. For instance, if you are wearing a hat, earrings, pearls or a brooch, you wouldn't wear sunglasses as well. Treat a hat and gloves as accessories, too many accessories just aren't chic because too much is going on, too many fashion statements are trying to be made at once. Hats were more frequently worn before sunglasses became the rage, as well as a safety necessity for healthy eyes. When it comes to being fashionable at a funeral, less is more. The purpose of wearing gloves at a funeral is a throwback from when a lady simply did not go out in public gloveless because gloves were warn outside the house at all times in public. Nowadays, gloves are reserved for funerals and cold weather. So, gloves were not just worn for funerals; they were part of the image being projected at that point in time. Did ladies and gentlemen wear gloves to protect themselves from whatever germ killed the deceased? Perhaps back then, but no longer. Gloves at a funeral are now considered not a necessity, but an accessory. It goes without saying, that darker gloves are worn in colder weather. For instance in colder weather, if your handbag and shoes are black, you would wear black gloves. The other factor to be considered when wearing gloves is the length of the glove, which would depend upon the length of your sleeve. Short gloves are worn with sleeves that end at the wrist. Three quarter length gloves are worn with three quarter length sleeves.
Codes + Conduct: Funerals: How Long for Thank-You Notes
Q How long after a funeral should thank-you cards be sent out???...
A There is no law written in stone and no funeral etiquette police task force; everyone understands how difficult is to write thank-you notes and that thank-you notes for expressions of sympathy are the hardest thank-you notes of all to write. Three months from the funeral is acceptable. The problem with waiting much beyond a couple of weeks is that people will fear that you did not receive their flowers or card if they don't hear from you within a reasonable period of time.
Codes + Conduct: Funerals: Thank-You Notes for Contributions
Q I want to sincerely and correctly and appropriately thank people for memorial contributions made in my father's name. Just doesn't seem right to put in one sentence "Thank you for your generous donation to X" but thought it was redundant to say, "X is a cause my father deeply believed in...". I don't want to come across as patronizing either?
A A heartfelt thank-you note for any expression of sympathy is always appreciated. You might say how your father became involved with the charity. A thank-you note is never considered patronizing so, do not let your self-consciousness stifle your writing. A good thank-you note for an expression of sympathy connects the contributor with your father and your father with the charity.
Codes + Conduct: Funerals: What to Do
Q Do you visit people the day after they lose a loved one?
A It depends upon how close you are to the people and if they have people who are closer to them around, as in family, lovers, best friends. The people who are closest visit immediately to see how they can help out by answering phone calls, notifying relatives and friends, helping with the obituary and funeral arrangements, taking care of small children, and supervising meals. If you are not close enough to be there early on and do not know whom to call, look for the name of the funeral parlor in the local newspaper, because they can give you the hours for calling and the funeral information. As you probably know, different religions handle funerals differently and the funeral parlor will be able to tell you if you can visit and where. If the obituary is not yet listed, telephone your local newspaper or look for the death notice on-line.
|
