Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledging Estranged Family Members
Q Recently my father-in-law passed away. The cemetery/funeral home and the church were 30 minutes away, so the family decided to have a private family burial first and a memorial service at the church second. My mother-in-law has been at odds with my father-in-law's 4 sisters for 60 years and intentionally (unbeknownst to us) did not inform the 4 sisters (who traveled out of state) about the private burial. The 4 sisters are understandably very hurt. My husband and I would like to send them a thank-you card, but aren't sure how to word it since they are suffering a loss just as we are.

A It's complicated; therefore it is best not to address the subject of your mother-in-law. Who knows what the fallout was about? The sisters might have snubbed her in some horrible way. Families can be clannish, especially when there are more than two off-spring. The four sisters might have been very protective about who their brother married and ganged up on her. So forget about whatever happened between your father-in-law's sisters and his wife.

What I want you and your husband to do is jointly to write them all basically the same thank-you note/acknowledgment, mentioning whatever it was they contributed to the funeral and say something such as this:

You are in our prayers and in our hearts because we know you are mourning as deeply as we are.

Something to that extent. You want to connect about the fact that you are connecting over a huge loss. Then mention that you hope to see them at a less solemn occasion in the future. If your husband wants to sign the letter, then his closing sentence could say something such as this, "Alice joins me sending our love and prayers to you and your family", John.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledging Plant from Co-workers
Q I have to send a thank-you note to my place of employment. My mother died and the company sent a beautiful plant. Do I say to all at---? How do I start?

A If the plant was from six co-workers or less, you might send each a short thank-you note called an acknowledgment. If the plant is from a large group, address the acknowledgment to all the names on the gift card. You did not say if the plant was sent to you, to the graveside, or the funeral. You might say something such as this: "My family deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy. We are devastated by our loss. Thank you for the beautiful plant in my mother's memory."

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledging Sympathy Cards
Q Are you expected to acknowledge each sympathy card individually, just the ones with personal notes or memorials, or what?

A Traditionally, all expressions of sympathy are acknowledged. Whether you acknowledge each one with a handwritten note or in conversation is up to you and depends upon the individual situation. Often if you thank someone in conversation and say, "I'll get a note to you shortly," the friend will respond by telling you that you need not write as you've just said that you appreciated his or her expression of sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments
Q Do I send thank-you notes to everyone who attends a funeral view/funeral or only those who sent flowers/cards/memorials?

A Usually the funeral parlor will give you acknowledgment cards to send out to all those who sent flowers, cards and memorials. Stationery stores might also have preprinted cards. Or you might have fold over cards printed on ecru paper that say:

The family of
Insert first middle and last name of deceased
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

You might want to personalize the cards with a couple of sentences of your own inside.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments
Q Sending thank-you notes for funeral condolences--who do/don't you send to?? Those who sent flowers, gifts, meals, and of course all those who attended the service, but what about those who sent cards?

A It is customary to send out acknowledgment cards for all of the above. The only exception might be if a mourner attended at the service but did Not send a personal note, card, gift, flowers are meals. If you have an acknowledgment card printed up, you can divide the list between family members, and divvy up the task. Try to include a couple of personal words in the inside before signing your name. Use the deceased name instead of this one and center the lines on the ecru card with black ink:

The family of
Charles Winston Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments
Q My etiquette question is...My mother-in-Law passed away a few weeks ago. I had thank-you cards made to send to people who sent flowers, mass cards, and fruit baskets. What I am wondering is do I need to send 'thank-you' cards to the people who sent only a sympathy card? I thought so, two other people told me I should send them, but my sister-in-law said that you don't need to send thank-you cards for just a card. What is proper etiquette for this situation? I Would love to know the correct thing to do. Thanks...Char

A Your sister-in-law is correct you do not need to send a card for a card; however, a lot of people do and therefore a lot of people think it is proper and expect a card. It is really your call. If the card is from a person whose relationship you would like to sustain, you would send a card. At the very least you would acknowledge that card in conversation the next time you spoke to him or her.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments
Q My grandmother died 3 weeks ago and the funeral parlor gave me acknowledgment note cards. On the front it says "Your kind expression of sympathy is gratefully acknowledged and deeply appreciated". On the inside it is blank. What is the proper thing to write on the inside of these note cards? Also the cards do not say my grandmother's name on the outside and I would like to put her name on the inside but not repeat the wording on the outside. Thank you.

A The inside of the card is where you write a personal line or two before signing your name. It is where you thank the person for the flowers, food, or other kindness. You also include your grandmother's name. "Nana loved yellow roses, it was so thoughtful of you to send her favorite flowers."

Or you can start the note with, "My grandmother, Mary Louise Wilson, was a wonderful grandmother, mother, and role model. Everyday I will think of her and remember her wisdom and humor."

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments
Q Dear Didi,

This is of utmost importance to me. My husband passed away after a brave battle with brain cancer. I could never begin to express my loss of my one true love. I plan to write acknowledgment notes to all who have sent flowers and made donations in his name. Now the question is do I also need to write acknowledgment notes to all who wrote me a sympathy card? I am concerned because I have a few hundred of these, yet I want to do what is appropriate. I would greatly appreciate your guidance as soon as possible.

A I am sorry for your loss.

In my opinion, the best way to handle this is to have simple acknowledgments made up at your local printer or stationery store. For instance Cranes has a simple off-white, or ecru, fold-over that is five and a quarter inches horizontally and three and three quarters inches vertically when folded. On the front you would have these lines, or your own, centered in black or dark blue:

The family of
Charles Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

Then over time, in the inside you can write out a couple of personal lines before signing your name. This is where you say, "Thank you for your generous donation in Charles' name." Or, "Thank you for the beautiful vase of red roses that you sent to the house after the funeral."

When the spirit moves you, you can write as little or as much as you like. Nobody expects to be thanked right away. People know that their cards and donations have been appreciated, they just basically want to be sure that you received their sympathy card, donation, or flowers. All you need to do is to acknowledge the gift or card. With people you don't really know, you can just say thank you for your note and sign your name. The reason that they are called acknowledgments is because they only need to be just that.

Sometimes acknowledgments are just white with black or navy blue lettering, others might have a navy blue or black boarder; or, as in the Catholic church, a mass card with the deceased's photo and perhaps a poem is included with the acknowledgment.

Make this easy for yourself, make it an ongoing way of mourning your husband by acknowledging that others mourn him as well.

A good stationery store will have boxes of acknowledgments already printed up that you can personalize, if you don't want to have your own printed up. You would do the same thing: write a line or two in the inside before signing your name.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments for Sympathy Cards
Q Is it necessary to write thank-you notes for sympathy cards after a death in the family?

A Usually the funeral home will give the family cards to send out or you can have printed up quickly fold-over ecru sheets of paper where printed in black might be these words:

The family of
Charles William Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

Inside family members can write a personal sentence or two and sign it.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments: For Mother-In-Law
Q My mother-in-law asked me to send a thank-you card to my side of the family for sending a plant to the funeral of my father-in-law. What is the correct way to say thank you and how should it be signed, since it is also from my mother-in-law?

A It is customary for family to share the writing of the acknowledgments. You are good to do so. Write something such as this:

Alice asked me to thank you on behalf of the family for the lovely white lily that you sent to the church in memory of Jack. If you only knew how much Alice loves white lilies! She was delighted to see it and now to have it at home with her. In her own time and in her own way, I am sure that Alice will thank you in conversation personally. Again, Jack's family deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy. Lots of love always, Connie

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgments: Who Writes Them
Q My stepfather died and the funeral was just last Saturday. My brother and I are the only children. Sunday a.m. when calling my brother's house, his wife indicated that she and their daughter looked at all the memorials and filled out cards. As I had not seen the book or memorials, I feel she was totally out of place by doing this. Am I wrong to be so disgusted with them?

A In my opinion, you can never thank people enough. Ask to see the book of memorials and extend your own personal acknowledgments. As you know, criticism destroys relationships, so the last thing you want to do is to criticize your brother and sister-in-law. You are not wrong in being disgusted with them, but you need to let the blame go. Just go about your business and get down to business by extending your own acknowledgments.

This might not be the answer that you wanted, but the faux pas has been made and there is truly nothing you can do but send out your own acknowledgments. Just tell them that this is something that you wish to do on behalf of your mother and your side of the family. Leave it at that. Take back control with dignity. You can do this.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Addressing Letters of Sympathy
Q What is the correct way to address the envelope and sign cards when one parent of a married couple dies? Do you address the envelope to both of them and write your note inside and note the name of the one who lost a parent?

A You would address the envelope to the spouse that is still alive. The salutation of the note would be to Dear Alice, or Dear John, whichever is still alive. However, you would mention the deceased's name by saying something such as, "John had such a marvelous sense of humor, I will miss his wit and banter." Or, "No woman I know could play golf as well as Alice." Then sign your name.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attendance: Former Boyfriend When You've Remarried
Q I was in a relationship with a man that ended 3 years ago, but was very serious. It ended due to issues surrounding his dependency on alcohol, which I didn't want around my two young children. I have since remarried a different man, but recently the former BF died in an boating accident. His father invited me to the funeral; is it inappropriate to have my new husband attend? The funeral is in another state, and requires a several day trip.

A By the way, you are not required to attend the funeral. Sending your former boyfriend's parents a handwritten, heartfelt note is all that you need to do. In the note or card, remind them of the traits you appreciated in their son.

However, if you wish to attend the funeral, you should do so and having your husband escort you would be protocol.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attendance: Former Wife of Shared Children
Q My ex-husband passed away. His family is having a memorial service. My 18 and 20 year old sons and I will attend. I have since remarried. Where do I sit? My sons will participate in the service; I would think they would sit in the family area or front row of the church. Could you email me some advice? Thank you. Theresa email at brandontyler2@comcast.net

A As the former wife with two children you share with the deceased, you would sit just behind the immediate family pews on the left. Or behind wherever your sons are. You sit on the side where your sons are seated to show your support. You and your current spouse/partner and family are seated behind your shared sons.

If there is an open invitation to the reception--often extended by the pastor or listed on the program--, you are of course welcome to attend. If your sons want you to be at the burial site, they will take you with them or give you directions. You must understand that often in second marriages the burial is private. It is widow's call.

The code of conduct is that you take the lead from your sons. Do what they say. Be there for them.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attendance: Granddaughter Cannot Attend
Q My daughter and her boyfriend live in Boston and could not attend the funeral of her grandfather in Texas. She asked me if she should send some money and if so, how much? I have never heard of this. She did not have time to send flowers. Debbie M.

A In instances where funeral and burial costs might possibly prove a burden for the family, mourners send cards with money to help defray the costs and to, say, help the widow pay her bills.

In your daughter's situation, since this is her grandfather, she's trying to find a way to make it up to you because she wasn't able to go to Texas for the funeral. If funds are not necessary, tell her so. Also, tell her a few good things to remember about her grandfather. For instance, he was kind, he was generous, he was loyal, he was honest, he had a marvelous sense of humor. Traits that you want her to identify with and remember when she thinks of her grandfather. Recall stories to illustrate those traits that she will remember always.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attendance: Wakes + Funerals
Q My sister's father-in-law passed away and the wake and funeral are in the next few days. We have no idea what proper protocol is about attending the wake and the funeral. Is it expected that my sister's siblings be at both the wake and the funeral? Yes, we knew her father-in-law and we love her husband, but we all have jobs and the wake is on and the funeral is Thursday.

A Catholics take wakes and funerals very seriously. It is not so much about your sister's father-in-law as about supporting his wife and your brother-in-law. Believe me, they will remember that you attended both the wake and the funeral. If you all don't, they will remember that, too. It is not so much about being seen as it is about it being remembered that you and your siblings were there to support the life of your father-in-law. I'm sure if you tell your bosses you have to attend a family wake and funeral, they will understand. You'll be glad you were in attendance.

The catchy thing about wakes is that the hours are long, sometimes as long as four or five hours and they always run after the work day in order to make it easier for all the mourners to show up, even those who work a nine to five day. Rally your siblings, show your support for your sister's extended family.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attending Funeral of Boyfriend's Sister
Q I have been dating a guy for 5 months, his sister just passed away. I have not met any of his family. Is it proper to attend the visitation and funeral? Or should I only attend the visitation?

A It would be best if you asked your guy. Tell him that you would like to be with him at this time and attend the visitation and funeral, but that you do not want to be intrusive. Say that you want him to tell you what he wants you to do, or not do. The problem is that if you don't do anything, he might silently hold it against you, but on the other hand you did not know her. If you are in a committed relationship, then you want to be openly supportive of your guy. Five months seems like a long enough time to be able to talk to him honestly. Try saying, "I don't want to intrude but I would like to be supportive." Perhaps if you told him that you would stay in the background and sit towards the back, that might give him the kind of space that he needs in order to tell you what he wants you to do. By all means, if you really care about this guy, you will want to be near him in order to comfort him without being intrusive.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attending With a Former Spouse
Q My husband is attending the funeral of a family friend with his ex-spouse rather than me. This was a friend with his former wife and I never met him. I am uncomfortable. Do I have cause to be?

A My dear, please don't stress about this because your husband is in a period of mourning that will take him a while to work through and you need to be patient and understanding. First off, this is not about you. It is about shared times and memories of a beloved family friend who has recently passed away. Let your husband mourn in his own way. Perhaps it is time to meet his former wife so that you can see that he is done with her and has moved on to you.

I understand that you are uncomfortable, but you needn't be. When a dear friends dies, we find temporary comfort in common acquaintances because it keeps the deceased alive in our mind. Remember that there are several stages of mourning. It can take three or four months for the mourner to grasp the reality that the deceased is actually dead. Then it can take up to a year for the mourner to come to grips with his loss. Please, be patient with your husband and show him the same compassion you would need if the family friend was yours.

You might be feeling a bit left out at the moment, but I'm sure if you invited your husband's former wife, along with her new husband or partner, you might find that often former spouses can be just friends once they've moved on. You can also encourage your husband to tell you about the deceased. Listen carefully and engage him in a heartfelt conversation because it will help him enormously in getting through the mourning process if he can talk to you about the deceased.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Attire
Q What to wear and what to do at a funeral service/viewing?

A Wear a well-cut, dark, lightweight suit. If you are a woman wear a skirt-suit, a hat or scarf, short gloves, dark shoes and bag. If you are a man, wear a good shirt with a collar and a tie, dark shoes and socks matching the trousers. If it is raining, take an umbrella.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Boyfriends + Memorial Service
Q My father passed away. I requested my b/f of almost 5 years to attend a memorial service with me 300 miles away. I told him I would cover all expenses, of course. He has met my parents once and knows my teenaged children well. They will not be able to attend. I want him to come with me. Should he accept or should he feel ashamed of himself if he declines?

A For whatever deep rooted reason(s), there are just some people who don't do events such as memorial services, funerals, or even weddings well--or at all. My husband doesn't like to go to weddings, so I've learned to go alone or not go at all. But gee, this is in memory of your father and three hundred miles isn't all that far away.

I'm afraid that this is one of those situations where you have to pick your battle. On the other hand, I don't want you to go alone. Can you take at least one of your children?

Look at it this way, if your boyfriend doesn't want to escort you to your father's memorial service, pressuring him to attend will make the occasion even more uncomfortable. Either he accepts your invitation with grace and steps up to the plate as your escort, or leave him home. Don't read more into it than exists. Focus on making this about you and your father and not about you and your boyfriend. I am sorry for your loss. I know you're not going to like this answer because you really do need your partner's support, but this might not be the time for your boyfriend to show his devotion to you.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Boyfriend's Family Wake
Q My daughter's boyfriend of 7 months had an aunt who has just died. Having never met the boyfriend's family as of yet, we are curious as to whether we should send flowers or should we go to the wake?

A If your daughter is in a committed relationship with this fellow, it may be an opportunity for you to meet the family. Only you and your daughter can decide if it would be appropriate for you to try to connect with his family at this point in time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Boyfriend's Mother
Q Is it in good taste to send flowers to a memorial service for an old boyfriend's mother? We went out for 6 years back in high school and college. We have since married others and have been married to others for almost 20 years.

A This is a gut feeling. Go with it. If his mum was kind and sweet to you, why would you not acknowledge her kindness?

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Card With Flowers
Q What is appropriate to say on the card that is sent along with the flowers for a dear friends funeral?...

A "With love always," and then your name. Make it simple and from the heart. It is basically to identify to the family the name of the person who sent the flowers, so do put your full name.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Cards to Family Members
Q A very dear friend of mine lost her 21-year-old son yesterday. He was riding a motorcycle and was hit by an SUV. He died within 20 minutes. She never got the chance to tell him I love you one more time or to even say goodbye. It was a hit and run. The driver, a 24-year-old woman, who was drunk, was found and arrested about 3 hours later. My friend posted her son's death on Facebook and I called her immediately. I bought a sympathy card for her and one for her surviving son who used to play football with my youngest son; they are both 18. When signing the cards, do I sign my name and all of my children's names? That somehow seems cold to include all of their names but it also seems cold not to do so. Please let me know your thoughts asap.

Thank you,
Angie

A I gather you are not including your children's father's name on the card. In that case, you can sign it: My children join me in saying how deeply sorry we are for your tragic loss, Annie. That way you are not only directing your thoughts to her, but expressing the feelings of your family as well.

Or if that's not the case, you can say: Our children join us in saying that you and your son (use the surviving son's first name) are in our hearts and our prayers, we are deeply sorry for your loss, Annie and George

Since I couldn't figure out if your dear friend was married or not, I didn't include the surviving son, or his dad. You can buy your son a card to send to the surveying son. As you can well imagine, although cards show good intentions, they don't mean very much to your dear friend or her son at this point in time. But it is an excellent way of showing your son how to respond to the death of a peer. Your son must be upset, too. What would be really meaningful would be to followup your card with another phone call and then another card. My point is this, continue to make contact. Just say, "How are you doing?" and let her cry. Eventually, she won't cry so much, but she'll always remember that you cared about how she was doing.

Sadly, we often forget that after the burial and all the flowers in the vases have been thrown out, the mother and her son are left mourning. Try inviting the mother and her surviving son for dinner one night. That's the kind of gesture that really helps--the follow-up. Be consistent with your calls and invitations to get them out of the house to spend time with others. That's what a good friend does. Go to lunch with her on your own, go shopping, to a gallery, museum exhibition, or movie, or play tennis or take walks. Let her talk and don't be afraid to bring up her son. If your son remembers anything special, sweet, funny, or brilliant about her son, tell your dear friend what your son told you. She is probably longing to hear stories about him and to have someone she can talk to about him, especially if she is a single mom.

Also, remember that it will take anywhere between three and four months for the mother and surviving son to grasp fully their horrendous loss. It will take a good year for them to lay the deceased son/brother to rest in peace in their hearts. There will always be the self-recrimination of Why didn't I do this or that? Continue to be a good friend and support your friend for as long as it takes and don't be afraid to bring up the deceased son's name in conversation because she will always be longing to talk about him.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Cash Gifts to Survivors
Q When someone dies, is it appropriate to give the survivors a cash gift?

A It would depend upon your relationship to the deceased and the survivors and the financial situation of the survivors. If you know that the survivors have incurred debt from the deceased, they will surely be grateful for your help. If there is a mutual friend you can ask for advice, he might have a better take on the situation. Often friends will offer to pay for a specific thing, for instance the cremation or the cost of the bartender at the reception.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Charitable Donations
Q What polite and correct way to ask for a charitable donation at a funeral rather than flowers?

A You would say, "In lieu of flowers a charitable donation can be made to......"

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Charitable Gifts In Memory
Q My relative passed away and my sister and I would like to send a donation to her charity as requested in her obituary. Do we send it to the charity directly or do we include it in the card? If we send it to the charity directly. do we mention it in the card or is that not polite to say we made a donation and do we say what amount? help..

A The check is made out to and sent directly to the charity along with a short note giving your names and addresses. You will receive a thank-you note acknowledging your gift from the charity as well as a receipt for tax purposes, which is why you and your sister might want to send separate checks. The charity then sends a list of all donations and the names of the donors to the family, who will then send you their own acknowledgment(s).

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Condolences: Sending a Card to an Old Girlfriend
Q This past week a former girlfriend from over 20 years ago lost her husband. We dated for three full years while in High School and we parted on fairly decent terms when we went to college. We both married others and have our own children. While we are not best of friends and rarely see each other, I do have sincere sympathy for her loss. My wife is aware of the serious relationship I had with this girl many years ago, but we've been happily married for these many years.

All that said, is it appropriate for me to send a card of sympathy to this woman and her children? If so, do I sign my name only, include my wife's name, or just include my family's last name?

I do not think I would offend her or her family by sending her a card, but I don't know if it is "etiquettely" appropriate. Thank you so much.

A Sending a condolence card is always appropriate. If your wife has never met her, she doesn't sign the card. However, you can always include a line on the card that says something such as this: Emily joins me in sending you and your family our deepest sympathy, John.

Cards and handwritten notes of sympathy are always appreciated.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Contribution Use
Q Didi, my father died. We had the funeral. My two brothers are the "executors" of the estate. My friend came to the visitation, left a card, and enclosed a check for $20.00. The check was made out to me and my family.

My brothers said the money was to be put in the "pot". So they made me pay them $20.00 and then I could cash the check made out to me.

I don't know the proper etiquette. Can you give me your thoughts? How I feel is that this person gave my family $20 so we can use it to get our minds off "things".
I am open to the correct answer.

A You are not going to like my answer, but the check was intended to be put towards burial costs and any other expenses that incurred due to your dad's death. You certainly do have the right to be reimbursed for any output of expenses by your brothers. Show the receipt and they should in all fairness reimburse you. Even if you bought food for the house or paid for gas to drive around relatives in your own car, you should be reimbursed.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Co-Worker Contribution
Q My father recently pasted away. My co-workers took up up a collection and presented to me in a card. It is a very small amount....enough to buy a floral arrangement. My question is: should the money go to my mother or should I keep it since it from my co-workers? Thanks.

A If you incurred expenses from your father's service, then you are entitled to reimburse yourself. Otherwise, you should probably give your mother the money. Either way, tell your mother because you wouldn't want her to find out.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Crying at Funerals
Q I feel so stupid because I always cry at funerals even when they aren't relatives. How stupid is this? I can't help it.

A You would be surprised at how many people weep at funerals. Funerals are not just about the recently departed, they dredge up feelings from the past; they are just as much about the other dearly departed who are no longer in our lives.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Dealing with Bitter Relatives
Q My husband of 28 years just died. His mom is upset that my mother and siblings did not send her a card. My family was very close with my husband but he was not close to his family; during the entire death and funeral she never acknowledged me or my loss, it is all about her! I got fed up when she kept complaining about my family's rudeness and replied perhaps my family was more concerned with me than her. Is she right?

A There is no right or wrong here. You are the widow who lost her husband of 28 years, and she is the mother of the deceased. You are both going through the various stages of mourning. A family death can bring out the best in a family and the worst in a family. She is angry and taking it out on you. Don't let her. In her own time and in her own way, she might come to see things more clearly. It will take time; however, if she is in any stage of dementia, she probably is not ever going to take this well because she's probably "not herself." Nothing can be done unless you, perhaps, send her a handwritten, very sweet note telling her how much all of you miss your husband and assure her that you know that she misses him, too.

By being "the adult" here and going up the ladder, taking the high road, you inadvertently gain control of the situation. It will then be your mother-in-law's turn to show you respect, now that you've shown her the respect that she feels she deserves. If both of you can manage to show respect for one another's feelings, fences can be mended. Unfortunately for you, it is you--the stronger of the two--who has to make the first move.

Is she right? You both have to learn to respect one another's feelings. Not easy, but you can at least start the process; it will help you get through the stages of mourning that you both so badly need to get through.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Do You Send Thank-You for Sympathy Card
Q When you get sympathy cards for a deceased member of your family should you respond with a thank-you card?

A If you wish to sustain the relationship with the person who sent the sympathy card, send an acknowledgment. It can be a handwritten note, a boxed acknowledgment from the funeral parlor, or one you have printed up.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Donations
Q When making an honorarium to a foundation for a deceased person, is it necessary to let the relative of the deceased know that a contribution was made, or should that acknowledgment come from the foundation?

A You will receive a receipt from the foundation for tax purposes, and more than likely a personal thank-you note from the family. The family will be sent a list of all those who sent donations, along with their address, though not necessarily mentioning the amount that you gave.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-Husbands & Ex-Wives
Q My husband's ex-wife just passed away. They have 4 grown children who have little (basically no) contact with their father or our family. We have been married for 15 years. She never remarried. What is the funeral etiquette for this situation? Who goes or does not go? Is sending flowers appropriate?

A Your husband would go to the funeral in support of his grown children and his grandchildren. He would send flowers. As his children have had no contact with their father or you, he would attend the funeral out of respect for the mother. It is one of those be damned if you do, be damned if you don't situations. In my opinion, you would go up the ladder and attend the service. You would only go to the burial, if specifically invited by one of the children. Remember that this is a huge window of opportunity for your husband to bond with his children and perhaps start a new chapter in their relationship. Be open, kind, and compassionate. Just the fact that you care to wonder what you should do is hugely big. You and your husband are role models of behavior to his children and their families, even if you haven't had any contact, so: make time to reconnect. Let bygones be bygones. Don't assume that they don't want to have contact with you or your husband. Losing their mother might make them more emotional towards their father. But it could go either way, so you will have to be sensitive as to whether they want you to go to the burial or not. If there is a reception after the funeral and the program or priest announces that all guests are invited to the reception, then you can go. Perhaps if your husband does decide to send flowers, they should be from just him.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-husband's Funeral
Q Ex-husband, father of my (2) sons recently passed away. We had both remarried, I for 32 years and he for 25 or more years. The sons are grown men in their forties. My husband and I sent a sympathy basket to the widow and intend to send a card to her as well. The deceased was cremated and there will be a brief graveside service at a military base and I wish to send a spray or wreath. Would that be proper and how should the card read? As I have told my sons, I will be eternally grateful to him for giving me two wonderful sons. The deceased and his widow had no children. I would like to honor his memory as well as his widow's feelings.

A You might want to send the spray or wreath from you, your husband, and your sons and their families. If the sons are sending their own wreaths, then just be sure that your husband's name is on the wreath you send. You need not say much on the card because it is not being sent to your ex-husband's wife. "In loving memory," is always a lovely phrase to write on a wreath card.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-Mother-In-Law Remembered
Q I am in the middle of a divorce and my soon-to-be-ex-husband's mom just passed away. His side of the family did not make contact with me after I had tried contacting them several months ago. What do I do now? Just send a card to her husband? They have donations in her name for a charity. Do I give money, if so how much? I had a good relationship with her (I thought) before this divorce business started.
Thanks for your help.
Daniela.

A It would be nice if you could send both your soon-to-be-ex-husband a card as well as his father. Before signing your name, remind them of how fond you were of her, using her name. In my opinion, when a death in the family comes along, you put away whatever hard feelings you have and remember her to her loved ones.

You asked how much to send as a donation. At the very least, send what it would have cost you to send flowers.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Extended Families
Q My ex-husband's ex live-in girlfriend just died. They were in an abusive relationship. This is a long story I will make short. She was 43 had 2 small children 5 and 9. as well as a son in early 20's. Over the past few years my children and I have interacted with her and her children. I tried to help her over the course of her relationship with my abusive ex. She kept going back. Now the thought is she took her own life. My children and I are very sad and want to send something to the funeral home. What I would like to know is if it is appropriate to send something directed to her 2 younger children whom I came to know pretty well. Is it acceptable maybe to send some sort of plant arrangement with maybe a toy or balloons with the childrens names? Please give me some suggestions. Thank You.

A The two small children ages five and nine are not going to be particularly moved by balloons and an arrangement. If in fact, they are ever told that such an arrangement was sent by you. It might be better to find another way of helping them deal with their grief. Perhaps you and your children could find a time to spend time with them one-on-one talking about all the good things they remember about their mom, would be more productive. You can write them each a note saying that you will contact them about a plan for them to visit you and your children soon. Remember that it will take these children about six months to understand fully and learn to accept the fact that their mother is really dead. Funerals are so wrought with emotion and too much going on that it is after the funeral when friends and family have stopped calling, stopped bringing food when those children will need more attention.

Whether you send a card or a note to the children, address one to each and follow-up with your commitment to comfort them in this extremely difficult time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Extended Family
Q My brother lived with his female partner for 10 years, but we were never made particularly welcome, having to book an appointment to visit. She has now died and we are to attend the funeral this week. The problem is where should I sit? I am not family so don't feel I should be at the front of the crematorium, but I also feel I shouldn't be with the general masses at the rear. Would it be appropriate to stay outside until the cortege enters and then follow on the end, thus sitting at the back of the family, or would this be considered impolite as I am not family?

A Your instincts are correct. Sitting in back of the family is correct. You are there primarily in support of your brother. It is important that he sees that you made the effort to attend and has someone in the crowd he can find to talk to who is related to him. Shall we say, a friendly, familiar face in the crowd. I'm sure he'll appreciate the fact that you were there.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Ex-Wife in Receiving Line
Q Hello Didi...Is it proper, under any circumstances, for an ex-wife to stand in the receiving line at her former husband's funeral? They were separated and divorced for more than 15 years and the husband remarried. The new wife was in attendance and was shocked that the ex-wife just stood in line without any prior notice. Thank you.

A Funerals bring up all sorts of unresolved emotions. It sounds as if the ex-wife was drawn, or felt compelled, to stand in the receiving line. It is hard to tell from your question whether the ex-wife was distraught or just a pushy social climber. In my opinion, if the ex-wife had children with the deceased, then she would be invited and depending upon her relationship with the new wife, also, invited to stand in the receiving line. I am afraid that this is one of those situations where you have to go up the ladder and let it go. Obviously, if the marriage ended with both parties hating each other and holding grudges, then the ex should not have stood in the receiving line.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Family Sending Flowers
Q If a grandson sends flowers for his grandmother's funeral, should he be sent a thank-you?

A All expressions of sympathy should be acknowledged; however, since acknowledgment cards usually state that the note is from the family, the grandson would not necessarily receive such a note because he is part of the family. In conversation, the grandson might be acknowledged for the flowers, but then would the grandson thank, say, his grandmother's son or daughter or his siblings for sending flowers? Probably not. There are so many details and so many acknowledgments to get out for a funeral that family pretty much hangs tight as a unit on this.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Former Daughter-in-Law's Family
Q My son's ex-wife just lost her brother in a tragic accident. He was 21. We have a good relationship with our ex-daughter-in-law because of our granddaughter. We want to be respectful, yet unintrusive during this difficult time. Is it appropriate for my husband and I to attend the service? Should we send flowers?

A You most definitely can attend the service in support of your granddaughter's mother and her family. You can send flowers, but check the obituary first because in situations such as this, many times the family would rather have you send a small check to the charity in memory of their son in lieu of flowers.

Additionally, do send your former daughter-in-law a hand-written note or sympathy card. If you knew the young man's parents, you would send them a note of condolence or a sympathy card as well. If you are unable, or uncomfortable about attending the service, a hand-written note will do.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Former Husband: Memorializing Their Father
Q My former husband Bob died; both of us had remarried years ago. Bob's current wife would not allow me at the funeral; nor could I send flowers of support to my three grown children that I had with Bob ( Bob left me 28 years ago)... with all that in mind, would it be proper to give gifts of money to my three adult children for them to pick out something of memory for their Dad?

Thank you,

Sandy

A Showing support of your adult children after having had your husband leave you years ago is an incredibly polite thing to do. Nevertheless, before you do this, I want you to think about what they can realistically "pick out" in memory of their dad with the amount of money you are prepared to give them. Are you thinking about a park bench on his local green or a donation to his favorite charity? That way, in specifying one way or another, they will be less likely to argue about what to do. Not that they would, but you wouldn't want your gift to become a metaphor for your marriage to their father.

Your former husband's adult children should memorialize him in any way that they wish. You don't want to make the gifts to them a dilemma. They should not have any problems from this, so make it simple. "I'm giving you three each X amount of dollars to give either to your church in memory of your father or to plant a tree near his favorite fishing hole." Once you've given the gift, you cannot then ask them about it. If it is a park bench, you cannot make it your new picnic spot--because that would be creepy. Your giving them money for them to give a gift to their father should have a purity to it that clearly states no strings attached. Merely suggest two ideas that are economically viable and leave them free to memorialize him in their own way, in their own time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Former Wife's Role
Q My ex-husband passed away last week. We have been divorced for over 25 years and both he and I remarried. He was in the process of divorcing his current wife. Our divorce was not a pleasant one. We have two children together, now 35 and 40. I indicated to my daughter who is organizing the funeral that I would prefer not to go. She became quite upset so I said I would go for her and my son. She is aware that I was treated quite badly by my ex; however she adored him. My husband has said he will come with me. I would find it extremely difficult to sit in the mourners' seats. Where is the appropriate place for us to sit? His current ex is also going with her son (17) from her marriage with him and is happy to get involved.

A As you well know, even though your children are now 35 and 40, you are, and always will be, a role model of behavior for them. How you handle this situation is important.

In going to your former husband's funeral, you are supporting your children and grandchildren. During this sad time, all of them need your emotional support, whether they ask for it or not.

At the service, you do not need to sit up close. You would sit wherever you like, on whichever side you like. If you're up to it, you probably should sit close enough behind your children so that they can see you and your husband when they turn around; otherwise they might fret wondering if you are there or not and become distracted from the service.

Fortunately we can forgive when we are treated badly, but it is much harder to forget. During this period of mourning for your former husband, the best you can do is to try to let go of whatever anger and bitterness you are holding on to. Go to your former husband's funeral with dignity.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Former Wives and Their Partner
Q My partner and I have been together for 4 years and her ex-husband just past away. He is not remarried and they have 3 adult children together. We all got along together. I was wondering what her duty is to her children and my role is as her partner and to her children.

A Even though your partner's children are adults, they still need the emotional support of their mother at this time. Her only duty is to be there for comfort. She would most likely be asked by her children to sit with them and whether or not that invitation includes you is up to them. Otherwise, you would hang back. Be there in the background in the dignified role of their mother's partner. Chances are, if you hang back you will be included. Whether of not your partner will stand in the receiving line is, again, up to her children. Usually the immediate family meet with a member of the clergy before the service to identify the people closest to the deceased. The clergy person will help them work that out.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Funeral Announcements
Q Is it proper etiquette to send out invitations to a funeral?

A No, you would not necessarily send out invitations unless it is a closed funeral. For instance, the funeral of Jackie Kennedy Onassis was private because there are only so many pews in a church and they wanted to make sure that family and friends were seated. Customarily the funeral parlor put notices in the local papers where the family members live. The program then announces the location of the reception and welcomes everyone in the church attend.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Funeral Etiquette
Q What is proper funeral etiquette? Who gets a formal thank-you? For example, I know that I would send a thank-you for mass cards and the like and flowers. Does everyone who comes to the funeral parlor get one?

A Not everyone who attends the funeral needs a thank-you note. You might send thank-you notes to those who send flowers and cards. If the funeral parlor has not given you thank-you note cards, you can find them in a good stationery store. If you wish to have some made up, this is the standard form.

The family of
(insert the first, middle and last name of deceased)
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

You might wish to write a couple of personalized sentences inside before signing your name.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gift for Co-worker's Deceased Mother
Q A co-worker's mother passed two weeks ago. Is it too late to send flowers? Is there a more appropriate gift to send?

A I don't know how tight your relationship with the co-worker is so cannot tell you to what extend you need to proceed. It is customary to send a small check to the charity of the mother's choice. Often in lieu of flowers, the deceased has designated a charity for people to give to in her name instead of sending flowers. Tell the co-worker that you are sorry for his loss and that you would like to send a small check to her favorite charity. The check need not be for more than you would have spent on flowers. The family will be notified by the charity and you will receive a thank-you note from the family; the charity might send you a receipt for tax purposes.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gifting Donations
Q Dear Didi,

My husband's father passed away a few weeks ago and at the funeral there were many cards with cash and checks made out to his family in general which were all given to the widow (my husband's mother) along with monies she received in her name specifically. In addition a few family members and close friends that were closer to my husband gave and sent my husband cards and a few checks made out specifically to my husband on the loss of his father and sadly his family has pounced on him within days of the funeral demanding he turn over all the cash and checks (which by the way was a very small amount) and he is very upset and appalled by his family's behavior...
He said all checks and cash given on behalf of the "family" should and did go to his Mom but whatever the siblings received directly in their name is up to them to do as they wished...(the small amount of money my husband received was given to charity on behalf of his father) so I was wondering what your advise would be on this?

A As the money had already been gifted to a charity in your father-in-law's memory, there really isn't an issue. Photocopy the receipt from the charitable organization and send each family member a copy along with a short note saying that you had been entrusted to donate the money to a charity that your father might have chosen.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Girlfriend + Former Wife
Q I was living with my boyfriend for 8 months and we were going to get married. He died suddenly. His family invited his ex-wife (whom he didn't like and didn't want to see) to the funerals and she was in the car and everywhere as a family member. Is it correct?

A It depends upon whether or not the former wife and your boyfriend had children together. If they did, then the former wife would have been considered part of the family and therefore invited to participate in support of their children. Even if they hadn't had children, there might have been a continuing, on-going relationship between your boyfriend's parents and his former wife. Exchanging Christmas and birthday cards, for instance. As you know, especially when it is a sudden death where the deceased hasn't made his funeral or burial plans, the viewing, service, burial, and reception happen quickly without much thought. It sounds as if either your boyfriend's parents had a good relationship with his former wife, or they didn't know how to contact you. Nonetheless, they should have made an effort to bring you into the extended family, or you should have stepped up and taken on more of a presence. If you didn't know his parents, of course that would have been difficult, especially if they didn't know you were living together.

Is it correct? As I said, it depends upon whether there were children and whether your former boyfriend left instructions. Whatever the circumstances, get past this supposed slight and write to your former boyfriend's parents telling them how much he meant to you. You can also write to any of his sisters or brothers as well. If you had spent a lot of time with his children, then you could send them notes telling them what a wonderful man their dad was and why.

This is a rather general answer because I don't have all the facts. I am sorry for your loss and that you were treated so off-handedly. When there is a sudden death the family are usually in such great shock that they just want to get the formalities over with. Please, do not take this as a person slight.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Giving Money After the Funeral
Q Is it appropriate to give money to the family after a death?

A It depends if this is the custom amongst this circle of friends. If you know the family needs money to help to cover the cost of the funeral, then by all means give them a check; however, it might be best to check with a member of the family or close personal friend to find out if this is in fact customary. It would most likely depend upon the socioeconomic status of the family, whether they need the money or would be insulted by the your generosity. So: ask.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gloves + Hat
Q What is the purpose of wearing gloves at a funeral? What color should they be? Is it still proper to wear a hat?

A In my opinion, gloves and a hat are totally appropriate to wear to a funeral, although you might find that you are the only one wearing off-white gloves in warm weather. Wearing a hat can be very chic. What you want to remember is to look in the mirror before leaving the house and take off at least one accessory. For instance, if you are wearing a hat, earrings, pearls or a brooch, you wouldn't wear sunglasses as well. Treat a hat and gloves as accessories, too many accessories just aren't chic because too much is going on, too many fashion statements are trying to be made at once. Hats were more frequently worn before sunglasses became the rage, as well as a safety necessity for healthy eyes. When it comes to being fashionable at a funeral, less is more. The purpose of wearing gloves at a funeral is a throwback from when a lady simply did not go out in public gloveless because gloves were warn outside the house at all times in public. Nowadays, gloves are reserved for funerals and cold weather. So, gloves were not just worn for funerals; they were part of the image being projected at that point in time. Did ladies and gentlemen wear gloves to protect themselves from whatever germ killed the deceased? Perhaps back then, but no longer. Gloves at a funeral are now considered not a necessity, but an accessory. It goes without saying, that darker gloves are worn in colder weather. For instance in colder weather, if your handbag and shoes are black, you would wear black gloves. The other factor to be considered when wearing gloves is the length of the glove, which would depend upon the length of your sleeve. Short gloves are worn with sleeves that end at the wrist. Three quarter length gloves are worn with three quarter length sleeves.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone Etiquette
Q Is it improper to spend money given to the family after a funeral on a grave marker for the deceased?

























































A A gift is a gift. The gift of money can be spent any way the recipient wishes to spend it. Personally, I can't think of a better way to spend the gift than paying for the deceased's gravestone. Memorial gifts are meant to help the family cover the funeral and burial expenses.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone Etiquette: Including Spouse's Name
Q My mother's husband died 13 days after my mother died. They were married for 14 years. His daughters did not mention my mother in his obituary. We are in the process of ordering my mother's grave marker. She was buried next to my father and her husband will be buried next to his first wife. My brother and I are having second thoughts about including his name on mother's grave marker. What is the proper way to handle this situation?

A What would your mother have wanted?

Think about what her wishes would have been, if she had been asked. Forget about the oversight made by your mother's second husband's daughters because their decisions don't necessarily reflect what he would have wanted inscribed on his gravestone. His daughters took matters into their own hands and didn't second-guess their father, but did what they wanted to do without considering his wishes. Be the "bigger" person by respecting your mother's wishes.

If you don't know what her wishes were, then ask her close friends if she ever discussed her gravestone with them. If she had a friend who lost a spouse that she was close to, she might have expressed her own wishes with him or her.

Consider how your mother handled her husband's death? It sounds as though she was so deeply bereaved by his death, she died. That is a natural occurrence with spouses. Somewhat of a phenomenon, but it happens frequently with co-dependent and deeply devoted spouses. If that is the case, then by all means include your mother's recently deceased husband's name on her gravestone. For instance, you could include this simple line under her dates: Dearly beloved wife of John Jay Johnson (insert his full name).

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone Etiquette: Including Spouse's Names
Q My brother died and I will be choosing his headstone. He has 3 grown children with his ex-wife (married 15 yrs, divorced 15) and they had an amiable relationship. He worked out of the country so did not have a very close relationship with his children and they have asked me to tend to all arrangements. Eight years ago he married a lovely Brazilian woman. She met his children and saw him through a painful death. My question is the headstone. My wife thinks only his current wife should be listed - loving husband to ----- and proud father to --- ----and---. I feel like his ex-wife should also be included on the headstone because of the children. Any help is appreciated, I want to do the right thing. Thank you so much for this website.

A If the family agrees, the gravestone can read (insert appropriate names):

John Jay Johnson
Date of birth + date of death (date can just be years)
Dearly beloved husband of
Doris Elizabeth Smith (current name)
and
Carmen Chavez Johnson (second wife, whose dates can be added eventually)

If the family does not agree, then just use the name of his wife at the time of his death. Should your brother's children want their names included, you can include:

Loving father of Mary Louise, George Jay, and John Jay Johnson,
Jr.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone Etiquette: Three-Party Marker
Q My "problem":

I'm a 72-year-old man, living in central California. My first wife (and mother of my two children, both living, with kids) died in early 1997 after 38 wonderful years of marriage. However, I was fortunate enough to find another good lady, whom I married in late 1998.

My second marriage, her sixth - she has a total of two children by two of her prior marriages.

Now, as part of getting our ducks in a row, we are making tentative plans for burials, etc.

My thought was to have a common headstone with room for myself and both wives. Her idea is that we (as the "survivors", I guess) should be the ones together, and my first wife (who was cremated but whose ashes I have kept with me) should be "put somewhere else." This sticks in my craw.

However, she HAS been a good and faithful wife to me, and I DO wish to give her her just due, both as to worldly goods while alive, and as to "place" when not.

I am NOT suggesting that I be with my first wife only, and shove her aside - though she has threatened to request burial in her hometown (not where we live, nor where I own an ample - and valuable - family plot) with her parents. She has already said she does not wish to be with any of her former spouses.

Money is not directly an issue here - I could sell my plot (in an exclusive cemetery near a very large city) for more than enough to purchase new sites in any conceivable location in the several rural area(s) now involved.

Any thoughts? Precedents for three-party markers? Thank you very much.

A First off, you need to bury your first wife's ashes so that her children know where she is buried and can find her, or you should let her ashes go to the wind in her favorite outdoor place. It could be an ocean vista or off a boat or up on a mountain top. Nevertheless, the first step is to let go of your first wife's ashes.

If you decide on burying your first wife's ashes, there is nothing wrong with adding this line on her gravestone under her name and dates:

Dearly beloved wife of John Jay Johnston (insert your own name)

Alternatively, you can have your date of birth carved on the gravestone as well, even though you might not necessarily end up being interred there, your deceased date can be added later. This gives you the option, should you outlive your second wife, to decide after her death where your ashes will be interred. The good thing about cremation is that you can will to have your ashes divided between your first wife's grave and your second wife's grave. Nowadays, the smallest lot would have two spaces (plots) to hold two caskets or two urns. However, even though two names can be engraved on the stone, both individuals don't have to be interred there. You own the plot, but your ashes don't necessarily have to be interred there to have your name listed on the gravestone. The cemetery records will record if your remains were actually buried there.

Why not start out by burying your first wife's ashes (should you not let them blow in the wind) in your family plot because at the time of her death she was your wife and some, if not all of your children, might end up being buried near her. My point is that you are burying your first wife for your children's sake, as much as for your own and hers.

Then have a second gravestone made with both your name and dates and your second wife's. Eventually, you can decide whether to divide your ashes or not. Just take care of your first wife's ashes first so that the task is not left to your children. It would be cruel to leave your children to decide how to deal with their mother's ashes--and for that matter yours as well.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone Etiquette: Wife's Name + Family
Q What is the proper way to refer to a wife's family and married name on a headstone?

A Are you asking about how the wife's name and/or the husband's name should appear on the gravestone? I'm not sure if you are asking about the deceased or the widow. In either case, perhaps this will help (you would insert your own information):

Elizabeth Ann Reynolds Wilson (Reynolds is her maiden name)
insert year of birth + death
Dearly beloved wife of
Richard Alexander Wilson

or

Richard Alexander Wilson
insert year of birth + death
Devoted husband of
Elizabeth Reynolds Wilson

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Gravestone When There Is a First Spouse
Q My husband's ex-wife died before he even met me. My husband has a grave headstone with his wife's name and room for his name when he passes away. What is proper etiquette for when I die? He wants me to be buried next to him and his dead wife. BUT, there's only room for me to be next to her instead of him. Also, the plot is up north and I'm from the South. This sort of hurts my feelings. I feel that this is insensitive to my feelings. How should I handle?

A The proper way to handle this is for you to get a grave headstone made in the South with your name and his, engraved with the dates of birth with the dates of death to be filled in at a later date. Then when your husband dies his ashes can be divided in half with half going in with his first wife and the other half going with you. You and your husband only need to have one headstone with both your names on it. Your husband certainly cannot make any objections to this compromise. He will know that the smallest lots are for two people. Tell him that proper etiquette is about compromise, consideration, and compassion.

He might even be proud of the fact that he has two headstones, and not just one.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Grieving: Letting Go
Q My boyfriend's father passed away recently after a long illness. I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for 1.5 years; however we do not live together and are not engaged. We are in our 40s. I had met his father and mother on two occasions - holiday dinners at their home. I have met his older sister and her family on a few more occasions. Immediately after the death, I bought sympathy cards for my boyfriend, his mother and his sister. I did not mail the cards right away, pending the obituary and information regarding donations. The funeral was to be three days after the death and there was no visitation or viewing. The obituary was not published until the day before the funeral and suggested donations to a specific charity. I had planned to go to the funeral; however, that afternoon my child became ill at school and I had to go get him and unfortunately could not attend. I had saved a copy of the newspaper obituary for my boyfriend and was going to send it in the sympathy card. However, when I mentioned the obituary, he said he didn't want/need another copy as he was not even able to read it. He had made other comments about not wanting to be reminded about the death and he did not want to talk about it very much at all. He told me about the service, but did not discuss any feelings, etc. Additionally, his mother called the service a "celebration of life" rather than a funeral and the casket was not at the service. Having lost both of my own parents, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing by sending the sympathy cards after the service. It also seemed a bit formal to mail a sympathy card to my boyfriend since we have been together so long and we talk several times per day, etc. When the obituary was published, the charity's address was on it, so I thought perhaps it would be best to send a donation directly to the charity. But now my boyfriend mentioned something about me not sending him a sympathy card. I told him that I had bought the sympathy cards, but I didn't want to go into all of the above, and I don't think he understands how his emotional state and behavior after the death gave me pause. While officially it may be never too late to send a card, since everyone is aware that I am not just learning of the death, I am not sure how to proceed that will not cause someone to be upset, or to think I am tardy in offering my condolences when there really is a lot more to the situation. Should I go ahead and send all of the cards by mail? Should I mention to his mother and sister that I had hoped to offer my condolences in person and am very sorry I was unable to attend the lovely service? Is "lovely service" an appropriate description? Please help.

A Go ahead and send the sympathy cards to all and a small donation to the charity. Send what you would have spent on flowers, if you had sent flowers. I'm not saying you should have sent flowers, I'm just helping you determine how much you would send as a monetary gift in your boyfriend's father's name.

You can call it a "lovely service," but you can also say that you understood that it was a moving and inspired service. Everyone likes to think that the priest or pastor made a special effort for their loved one.

What you have to understand, and I know you will, is that in his own time and in his own way your boyfriend will get through this first stage of mourning. This first stage could take up to three months or longer, so you must be patient. It takes at least three months for the reality to set in; then there are always regrets. What he should have said to his dad, what he should have done. You need to reassure him that he was a very good son, the best of sons.

Certainly in your cards to his mother and sister you can mention that you are sorry that you were unable to attend the service, but you had to take your child home from school because he was sick. That's all you need to say. Saying too much sounds like an excuse. Just mentioning that fact in one sentence sounds more sincere.

Try to make plans to spend some quality time with your boyfriend alone. Perhaps you could go to a cabin on a lake where he and his father used to go fishing. I'm sure if you can carve out some quiet down time for you and him, without your son, he will start expressing his feelings. He needs to feel that it is safe to express his feelings. Guys, as you know, stumble over that, especially about their dads. "Dad would want me to be strong," they think. You can make your boyfriend feel strong without setting off tears. It is a funny thing about crying. You don't understand why you can't cry. Then one day, maybe six months after the death, you find yourself crying over some small trivial thing; you question why you are crying and it suddenly dawns on you that you are crying because you had been afraid to let go of the tears--afraid to let go of your dad.

At some point he will let it out, whether you see this or not is irrelevant, but you will sense that he has at last let go of his emotions. Don't even ask him about it, but you'll know. Be patient. He'll talk when he's ready. Please understand that mourning is a process and grieving is a silent protest over a loss.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Guest List: Controlling Who Is Invited: By Invitation Only
Q Dear Didi,

My father-in-law is very likely to pass away in the near future, and I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around some uncomfortable issues surrounding the potential funeral.

He is from a large family that has had a number of issues over the past few years. He has let it be known to his daughter (my wife) that he does not want certain family members to attend his funeral. These include his son and two of his sisters. There are members of his extended family that will want to support his last wishes, while others will be of the opinion that whoever wishes to mourn should be able to do so.

My wife will stand up for her father's wishes, and I fear that she will get caught up in things and not be able to mourn, should he pass.

Is there a protocol for dealing with situations like this? Please help!

A There are tried and true ways of staving off the masses and any unwanted guests. First, you do not list information about the funeral in any newspaper; however, you have to be sure to instruct the funeral director that he is not to mention the location, date, and time of the service in your father-in-law's obituary.

Second, ahead of time, you or your wife and her father need to make up a list of people that he does want to attend his funeral; then divide the list into smaller lists of, say, ten, along with the phone numbers; as soon as your wife's father dies, assign certain friends or family members a list of names to call to invite making it clear that the service is a "By Invitation Only" service and include mentioning the exact location of the reception following the funeral. Some people will not go to a reception, if they have not been invited personally, so you want to make sure that those that are being invited to the service know that they are also being invited to the reception and are therefore, given the location and time of the reception.

Thirdly, have the church cord off, say, just the central pews for those who are invited to the service, leaving those not invited nowhere else to sit but in the far pews to the left and right. Also, you would remind the officiate to, please, not mention the location of the reception to the mourners during the course of the service.

In the case of a dignitary or famous person (for instance Jackie Kennedy Onassis), a printed invitation to the funeral and reception is hand delivered to everyone on the guest list once the church has agreed to the date and time. Sometimes a pew number, written on a printed pew card, is included with the invitation and nobody without a pew card is admitted to the church "for security reasons" or "reasons of space limitations."

Sometimes, that enclosed area in the church has a dignified sign on it that reads: Invited Guests. You have to remember that a church is a house of worship and it is difficult to keep people out when the goal of the parish is to bring in people. You can, however, restrict where people can sit because you are presumably giving preferred seating to those closest to the deceased.

You, your wife, and father-in-law can decide just how exclusive he wishes his funeral to be. Most people won't attend an event uninvited, if through word-of-mouth you have gotten the word out that the funeral is by "Invitation Only." I am a great believer in the spreading of information through word-of-mouth.

Lastly, plan ahead so that there won't be an impromptu receiving line following the service inside, or outside, the church. To make that work, you will have to have cars lined up outside the church to whisk the inner circle away swiftly. Once you allow for one handshake from a mourner, it will be difficult for your wife to pull herself away from subsequent mourners who will want to kiss her or shake her hand while offering condolences. There will be time enough at the reception for condolences.

You can control the funeral with dignity and style, but it is all in the planning--as you apparently already know. Organization is the key to making this a positive experience.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: How Long for Thank-You Notes
Q How long after a funeral should thank-you cards be sent out???...

A There is no law written in stone and no funeral etiquette police task force; everyone understands how difficult is to write thank-you notes and that thank-you notes for expressions of sympathy are the hardest thank-you notes of all to write. Three months from the funeral is acceptable. The problem with waiting much beyond a couple of weeks is that people will fear that you did not receive their flowers or card if they don't hear from you within a reasonable period of time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Husband Buried With Current Wife
Q What are the normal burial arrangements for a man who is widowed and remarries what he calls 'the love of his life'? His plot is already bought and paid for with his wife-with whom he did not have a good relationship, along with one for his son. Is it improper to expect him to be buried with his second wife?

A No, it is not improper for him to be buried with his second wife. This sort of situation arises all the time. He would be buried with his current wife. If he predeceases his second wife, she has the option of being buried with him or otherwise.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Including the Former Spouse
Q My husband of thirty years recently passed.
He was married before and has TWO children who are one year and four years my junior.
His ex-wife lives with one of these children.
She has publicly condemned him for 50 years.
The children are assisting me with Memorial Mass arrangements.
I intend to supply the children with invitations for the Memorial Mass so that they can invite whom they would like.
I have never met their mother.
She has recently had heart surgery but is well enough to get about now. She is 80 yrs. old.
The children and I are in our 50's.
They are somewhat simple people and lack education and etiquette.
Would it be proper of me to send the ex-wife an invitation with a note card that reads:

Dear Louise,
Glad to hear you are feeling better.
I sincerely hope that you can attend.
Best Wishes,
Jane

or...would that be wrong to even consider and perhaps I should address the situation differently.
Shouldn't she be there for her children, if nothing else?
Also, I am thinking his Memorial may be cathartic in that she can finally let go of ill feelings towards him.


A Having a face-to-face conversation with your husband's former wife would be best, but if that isn't possible, a handwritten note might also work. Tell her that you know her children would like her to attend as well and that you look forward finally to meeting her. You know what to say, so say it sweetly and kindly. Assure her that she will be seated with her family in the church and welcomed at the burial and reception. You could also suggest that you could arrange to have her picked up and taken home, although that might be overdoing it. However, if she is in ill-health, perhaps she would welcome the assistance.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Individual Sympathy Cards
Q One of my best friends of over 40 years mother died. I've known the entire family that long. She has one sister and a father. Do I need to send all of them individual sympathy cards? And is money always appropriate?

A You don't "need" to do anything. If you feel like sending a note of compassion, it might be the considerate thing to do. No, you would not send money unless you were close to the family and knew they were having trouble paying the expenses of the funeral. Often the newspaper announcement will ask people to send a donation to the deceased's favorite charity in lieu of sending flowers.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Late Husband
Q Hi, I am a young widow, my name is Bonnie, my deceased husband's name is Jeff. I am now in a new relationship with Paul. I am confused as to how to refer to my deceased husband. My new love, Paul, has mentioned that when I call Jeff "my husband", it is uncomfortable to him. He feels as if he is dating someone's wife or that I am still married.
However, I thought the term EX was for divorced references. What is proper? I certainly want to respect my deceased husband's memory and I also want to respect Paul and his feelings. How do I refer to Jeff to people, including Paul?

A When referring to your deceased husband you would say "my late husband," or "my late husband, Jeff." Former and ex-husband are used only when you are divorced. Since you are widowed, your deceased husband is your "late husband." In this instance, late means "passed away."

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Contributions
Q My husband recently passed away and many people gave memorial contributions. I sent thank-you notes to all who contributed. One person continues to give and give and give. Do I send a thank you to that person each time a contribution is given or not?

A Yes, if you accept the contribution, you have to send an acknowledgment that you have received it and appreciated it.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Gift Etiquette
Q Our father just passed away and he wasn't married. My grandma has been receiving cards in the mail and such. My question is...Is it proper for her not to give us the memorials to pay for the funeral expenses that we still are incurring? The cards are addressed to family. She wants to give them to a church and we still have outstanding bills for the funeral expenses. I would just like some input on this. She won't even let us look at the cards because she says they are only for her...Not sure how to approach the situation.

A Tell your grandma that you are having acknowledgment cards printed up to send to thank people for their gifts and that you need to make up a list with names and addresses, as well as identifying what the memorial was: A card? A card with a check or cash? Flowers? Food?

You can ask for her input for the wording, as well as the design navy: blue or black type, bright white card or off- white, with a photo or without? On a fold-over card, these words would be centered on the front, then inside members of the family can write a couple of sentences to personalize the note:

The family of
George Harrison Smith
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

You can tell your grandma that many of the memorial gifts were sent by friends of your mother's, and you and your siblings, and that you all want to acknowledge those personally. Explain that as a family, you all have to pitch in to take care of the details and therefore she needs to share those cards with you. Tell her that you will give her acknowledgments to send to her friends and with her make up her list with addresses. That way she'll feel that she is doing her part. If she won't budge, perhaps you could get her to compromise by telling her that she can keep the gifts from her friends, but the rest of the monetary gifts have to go to pay the bills. That way she gets to feel a part of the mourning process that will help her heal.

Your grandmother is holding on to your father; it is extremely difficult for her let go. You must remember that it takes at least three to four months to realize fully that a loved one has died and at least another year to get the healing process going. Get her to show you the letters. Look at them together. Ask her if she could please "share" the sentiments with you and go over them. Then show her the bills for the funeral and burial and tell her that the gifts are meant to pay those bills.

It will take all of the patience that you can muster, but that's what you'll need to help your grandma to understand that you are trying to help her and that she needs to help you settle the estate of your father's affairs. Make it clear that you need to divide up the names of the gift givers amongst the family members so that everyone can write their own words of thanks on their acknowledgment cards.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Gifts
Q My sister-in-law's husband died in an accident. He left behind a wife, a daughter (13-yrs-old), and a business which has been sold already to a partner in the business. His mother and sisters took all the memorial cards and began going through them and recording the gifts of money, etc. To my knowledge 3 accounts have been set up for the monies: one for the widow, one for the daughter and one for parents of the deceased. The widow to this day which has been 3 months now has no idea what amount of money came in or what amount of money was donated or given to the churches. Question is: if a card was given to his parents or gifted to the ______ family, who is entitled to the gift of money? And all the money given? She has been left with a very large debt created by her husband she would like to be able to stay in the home which she owes the in-laws a lot of money. I hope you can kinda get the picture and get back to me with the proper handling of the money/gifts received. Thank you Mbb

A Simply have your sister-in-law ask the mother and sisters for a list of everyone who sent in or gave a memorial card with the excuse that she wants personally to acknowledge each and every gift herself with a personal thank-you note. Since you say that the gifts have already been recorded, it should be easy for them to furnish your sister-in-law with a copy of that list.

If that doesn't work, she has no alternative but to have a lawyer notify the mother and sisters that the widow "needs a full accounting for tax purposes." Sometimes just the subtle mention that "my lawyer says I need a final accounting of all gifts" is enough to get a response. Nobody wants to be involved with a lawyer because it can be costly as well as time consuming. Your sister-in-law needs full disclosure, full transparency about what exactly has come in and from whom so that she knows whom to thank for what. This is not an unreasonable request from the widow and she shouldn't be timid about asking for it.

I am curious as to why a college account wasn't set up for the thirteen-year-old daughter. Perhaps your sister-in-law should also say, "My lawyer says that a college fund has to be set up for my husband's daughter." The widow also has the right to see how the money that came in has been spent, so she should ask to see the bills for the funeral and burial expenses. In my opinion, any monies that come in should go first towards paying those expenses, and then whatever is left over should go into the deceased's daughter's college fund.

Quite frankly, the widow's concern for the whereabouts of the monies from selling the deceased's business should be a big concern. The partners should be asked for a full accounting of the sales transaction. Once again, she can either hire a lawyer to do this, or she can say, "My lawyer wants to see the sales agreement for my husband's share on the business." Find out who represented the widow and deceased for the sale. Details of the sale will be public record, which you or the widow will be able to find in the records department of the City Hall in the town where the business is incorporated or in the state capital City Hall. The sooner the widow takes back control of her husband's estate, the better.

Who is the executor of the widow's husband's estate? If her husband didn't have a will, then all of the money should be going to the widow and child. Did the deceased have a lawyer? If he did, that lawyer would have a copy of the will and should be in the process of probating that will. Once the will is probated it becomes public record. In order to do so, as part of the probate process, the lawyer has to run an ad in the local paper advising creditors to come forth with any claims. The widow needs to stand up for the rights of her child and herself, as she has a huge responsible to educate the deceased's child.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Money
Q My husband of 7 years just passed away last week. He has 3three grown sons and one grown and married daughter. I am the stepmother. My question is regarding the memorials given. I thought that all the memorials given should go in the pot to me, his wife, to pay for funeral expenses. I did tell the kids that if there were any cards made out specifically to them with money they would keep that money for themselves. However, one of the boys feels differently and thinks the money from the memorials should be split equally amongst all of us. Which is the proper way to handle this?

A The money should be collected by one person who will in turn pay all the funeral related costs first--which can be fairly hefty. If there is any money left over, it is used to pay any and all outstanding medical bills that are still owed, as well as will probate and legal fees. After all the death related expenses have been paid, any money left goes to the remaining spouse to use at her/his discretion. For instance, the spouse might want to gift that money to a charity in the deceased spouse's name, or set up a fund for a special needs child or grandchild.

Since the deceased had children, if any of those children are still in college or school, that money should go into a fund to help those children finish college. The intention of the memorial money is to help the family pay the expenses associated with the death: the internment, funeral, burial, tombstone, casket or urn, probate fees, legal fees. Anything left over would be used in memory of the deceased.

Since there is disagreement over how any left over money is to be used, in order to keep the peace you might need to compromise by splitting the pot between you and the children--but only after all funeral and death related expenses have been paid.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Memorial Service When Body Went to Science
Q My cousin's father just passed away. He donated his body to science, so there was no wake or funeral. She is planning a Memorial Service. She wanted to know if it would be tacky to send invitations with a RSVP. She doesn't know how she will be able to let people know about the event if she doesn't send out invitations. Please advise. Thank You So Much!!

A It would not be tacky to send invitations with an RSVP. Traditionally, Memorial Services are announced by word of mouth and are carried on the obituary page of the local newspapers.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Military Escort
Q At a military funeral, which side does the soldier escort the widow?

A The widow is on the soldier's left side.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Mourning a Friend's Father
Q Is it proper to miss your best friend's father's funeral because you work that day? Is just going to viewing enough?

A Just going to the viewing is fine. In your own way, you can make it up to your best friend by making a special time to have lunch or dinner with her. The flurry of activity around the funeral makes the weeks and months following the funeral a more useful time to show your friendship. Remember it takes at least three months before the loved one starts to accept the loss. Keep up with her in the months following the funeral and when you are with her try to get her to talk about her father.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Mourning One's Former Spouse
Q Is it bad etiquette to ask the ex-wife of a deceased husband that we are both divorced from in which cemetery he was buried? I found out almost a year later that he passed away, and I'd like to pay my respects to his grave, is this bad etiquette?

A No, it is not bad etiquette to be curious. Wanting to show your respects to your former lover is the natural right thing to do. Go with your gut and do what you have to do to mourn your former husband. It's healthy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: New Partner and Ex-Wife
Q I am 40 yrs old and in a new relationship for 9 months. I'm divorced (no kids), he's divorced (no kids). He's been divorced over a year and basically separated from his ex-wife for 3. She has not spent holidays with his family in 3 years, but still has a relationship with his sister and sister-in-law. His family has been very inviting and welcoming to me and they have welcomed me into the family; however, they miss the ex-wife and still love her as she was part of the family for 15 yrs. His Mother is dying and will more than likely pass this week. This concern has arisen out of the families concern for both the ex-wife and my feelings regarding our presence at this funeral. We have NEVER met. It will be extremely difficult for both of us: for me to see him embrace a woman he loved very much at one time and for her to see him with a new woman who is now the love of his life. She has reached out to him in his time of need and even asked if it would be appropriate for her to come. Of course, she's coming as she should to pay her respects. I have such a sense of anxiety and hurt because he has expressed he too will be uncomfortable being in the same room with his ex-wife and myself. This is the part I don't understand and am struggling with. He has asked me to understand his behavior whatever it may be because it's not about her or me, it's about his mother's death and his loss which I understand. But I feel as if I have no place. He says my place is next to him. I'm afraid to be affectionate and comforting because it may cause him discomfort. I suppose I should just let him reach out to me in any way he needs to. Correct? I am suffering such sadness over the fact that I feel everyone is more concerned with her feelings than mine or my discomfort being so new and experiencing this situation. I am struggling with a multitude of feelings. I feel as if I don't belong even though I know that's not the case. And I need to be there for him and not burden him with my concerns. He has comforted me and understands how this will make me feel, but yet expressed he doesn't want rules and restrictions placed on this situation. Please help me sort this out as to how I should feel and what is the proper etiquette for this situation.

A I am sorry that you have been in such agony over this. I can hear your pain in every sentence. Let's take a look at the big picture, since I don't know if you are yet in a committed relationship with this man, or not.

As far as his family is concerned, you're the "new" girlfriend. After a while, parents become immune to their children's current partner. Too many times, just as we've gotten attached to our child's partner, the relationship is over and we're sad to see that partner leave. Just as a parent believes that's "the one," "the one" disappears. Which is why your partner's family will stand back and take their time warming up to you. It is not yet your turn to woo them. That time will come, so be patient.

You cannot take his family's attitude towards you personally. I know that it is hard, but especially now when emotions are at their most sensitive, you need to step back. Have a face to face conversation with this man and tell him that you want him to know that you'll follow his wishes. Let him off the hook. Chances are, he'll be relieved and want you by his side.

He can't handle you being needy right now, so you've got to get some prospective on the situation. Tell him that you would like to attend his mother's funeral, but you don't expect to sit with the family or stand with the family in the receiving line.

Remember that he's probably trying to deal with you, too, as well as all of the emotions that he's going through, so be silent like a shadow in the background. When he needs you, he'll let you know. Tell him that you'll wait for him to instruct you as to what he wants you to do or not do. Then give him a big hug and stand back. Go do something with a friend and let him have some space. When he needs you, he knows that you are but a cellphone call away.

By the way, the ex-wife won't be seated with the family, nor will she be in the receiving line, so don't worry about that. If you find yourself in an awkward situation near her, introduce yourself and tell her that he told you that his mother and she were close. Then you can ask her to tell you about his mother, so that you can find out what she was like. Who knows, you might end up sitting together. The ex-wife couldn't be all bad, if he was married to her at one time.

Whatever you do, don't be clingy or act jealous of the ex-wife. That would be a real turn-off for your partner at this point in time. Give him space, offer to sleep elsewhere, and come back when he needs you. He'll be so relieved that you are less anxious that he will be quite grateful when he does see you.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Obituary Name if Many Times Married
Q When a woman has been married multiple times, how is she "named" in her obituary?

A The obituary will print only the information that you provide to the newspaper or funeral parlor, unless the person is a prominent or public figure. Therefore, whoever provides the information controls what is printed. The woman would be listed as she would have called herself; it is the name she would have used on her most recent formal stationery or the name she has directed to be used on her gravestone, which could be different from the name on her legal documents.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Obituary: Ex-Wife
Q What if any mention should there be in an obituary where: a couple has been divorced for >15 years, they have 3 grown children in their 30's+, the wife re-married, the father had multiple sclerosis and passed away in a nursing home. The wife provided support to her first husband and they were on genial terms but she feels awkward in being listed as his ex-wife.

A Remember that you only have to give out information that you want people to know---or to remember. If you're writing the obituary, you write what you want people to read. There is no reason to mention an "ex-wife." However, you could include her by saying something such as this, "He is survived by his former wife, Alice H. Crawford, and their three children," (then list the children). Or you can just say, "He is survived by his three children," and then list their names. "Former wife" always sounds more genial than "ex-wife." The only reason to list the former wife at all would be because she is the mother of his children, but if that makes her uncomfortable, she doesn't have to be listed.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Obituary: Ex-Wife
Q Didi....My Mom recently passed away. My question is in regard to her obituary. My ex-wife had a wonderful relationship with my Mom and did many things for her on numerous occasions. My siblings all live out of the area so they were limited as to their involvement with Mom. I thought it would be a nice gesture to include my ex (no title) in the obit. My siblings wanted to include the names of their spouses but not my ex. My Mom would have definitely wanted her included. Does etiquette allow for an ex to be named in name only?

A Etiquette is all about consideration, compassion, and compromise. If you think that your Mom would have wanted her included in the obituary, it is totally your call.

All the family and extended family should feel good about your Mom's obituary. That is the purpose of the obituary: to make it known that the deceased was loved by her family and honored by her community.

People really appreciate reading inclusive, detailed obituaries and respect them for transparency. Include your ex-wife and the names of your siblings' spouses. That's the compromise.

The only question remaining is how to identify her ex-daughter-in-law in the obituary. After your name, if you have not remarried, you would list her as: former daughter-in-law Caroline Williams. If you are remarried, then you would add "and former daughter-in-law" at the very end of the listing of family members. Etiquette-wise you wouldn't use that dreadful phrase "ex-daughter-in-law", especially in this situation where she is an honored former daughter-in-law.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Paying the Minister
Q My father passed away recently. We had a small funeral service and a memorial service is scheduled at the church where he was an active member. The minister was/will be present at both and has been great.
I asked the minister about payment and he told me that no payment was required for church members. Nevertheless, I plan to give a substantial gift (I was thinking $1000.00).

The question is: should this all go to the church, or should I give the minister a gratuity out of or in addition to this?

A You would give the minister an envelope with a check inside, and mail a check to the church with the remainder. Exactly how much you pay the minister depends upon how much time he has spent with you and your family, travel time, and time officiating at the church. Two hundred dollars would be a reasonable nominal feel, but if he officiated at both the funeral and the memorial service, you might want to give him half, with the other five hundred dollars going to the church. It was not clear to me if he is officiating at both the funeral and the memorial and whether he had to travel in order to officiate. Assuming that he officiated at both, you would be validating the time that he spent by paying him five hundred. No payment is required or expected; however, you would want to compensate him for his time and expenses.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Payment for Clergy and Music
Q Funeral Service Etiquette. Do you pay the church, when and how much? Also, I know you pay the officiating priest; however, if he refuses, is it okay to take him to dinner, etc.? A previous parishioner. The priest is retired and is a friend. Is there anyone else who should be remembered?

A Churches have different ways of handling this. Why not call the parish office and speak to the scheduler who will tell you the protocol for your particular church? Most likely you would leave separate envelopes with a thank-you note and token of gratuity for the priest who officiated and the organist or music director. Yes, you can invite the priest out for dinner.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Payment for Preacher
Q Do you pay the preacher for conducting the service at the funeral/ The payment can be made before or after the service.

A Yes, a payment would be given to the preacher who conducted the ceremony. If you call the preacher's office, the person who handles the scheduling will be able to tell you the fee and when the fee should be paid.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Photographs at Funeral
Q Is it appropriate to take pictures at a funeral when it is a somber occasion?

A If a member of the family is taking the pictures or has asked someone to take photos, then it is okay. Nowadays with families spread all over, sadly, sometimes the only time families get together are for funerals and, therefore, it may be the only opportunity for a family photo. Whoever takes the photos should have been asked to do so, or should have asked permission.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Photographs of Family Members in Coffins
Q Hello Didi, My mother passed away 13 years ago. We recently found a picture of our mother in her casket at my mother's sister's home (our Aunty). I am 100 percent certain that my mother would not have wanted a picture taken of her while in her casket. I am upset about this because I feel it was only right for her siblings to ask us permission before taking the picture. I realize it's a "done deal"...but I know deep in my heart that my mother would want them destroyed. Do I have the right to confront the family member and ask them to destroy these pictures? My mother has three of six siblings left alive and the sibling that took the picture (brother) is still alive. This just doesn't feel right to me that this could possibly be viewed by generations of family. My Mother did not want to be buried initially because she did not want us feeling obligated to go to a burial site. She always wanted to be remembered in life.

Thank you for your help.

A This is a generational thing. In the past, relatives had casts made of the deceased person's hand or/and face. I have one of each of my great-great grandfather. It was considered the thing to do at that time. When I first inherited them I thought they were macabre. Now I think of them as family memorabilia. My mother had the face hung on the wall of her living room. Now those casts are hidden in a bureau draw because I can't bare to throw pieces of family history away.

In my opinion, you should let that generation remember your mother in their own way. Ask if the photo can be left to you, then you can do what you like with it. In the meantime, let the older generation mourn in their own way, even if you don't approve. I agree with you and I understand how you feel, but making a brouhaha over the photo could end up being very upsetting and unsettling to all. Ask your Aunty if she would, please, leave you any and all photos of your mother. Chances are, she might even give them to you before she dies. Then you can do whatever you like with the photo.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Post Mortems
Q My father recently passed away. My mother passed away in 2001. They were married at the time of her death for 54 years. After her death he kept the company of a lady friend from church for the last 8 years of his life. They were not engaged, nor did they live together. They did spend the majority of their time together eating out and watching sporting events, etc. The obituary was worded "proceeded in death by his loving wife, Jeanne", but did not mention his lady friend. I, as a surviving daughter did not feel it was appropriate to mention her by name in his obituary. She is very hurt, angry and offended that she was not mentioned. I am confused and now question if she should have been mentioned, or what the appropriate etiquette would be?" Thank you in advance.

A I am sorry for your loss, and sorrier still that you have to deal with this. Please do not think you did the wrong thing. Nowadays, if someone has a companion for eight years, she or he is often mentioned in the obituary and often in the will, as well. However, because your father and his lady friend did not live together and weren't engaged, you could not have been expected to have listed her as his companion.

Try to think of something that you can do that will allow his friend to remember your father and his family in a positive way that will give her comfort. Say, "I know that my father would have wanted you to have this..." and hand her, say, a box of photos of the two of them or mementos of his from the past eight years. Of course, material goods don't erase the pain; however, the fact that you are acknowledging that your dad "would have wanted you (her) to have..." might ease the pain, the anger, and make her feel better about not having been remembered by your father in the conventional sense.

Who knows, they might have been planning to move in together or even to wed. Men notoriously make promises they can't keep in order to pacify the woman. You might never know for sure what their future might have been. He might have promised to leave her something. Perhaps, even a sum of money and then never got around to including her in his will. It would be nice to give her something so that she could say to herself, her family, and their mutual friends that your father had remembered her. It is a small thing to do to help you both get through this.

I know it sounds materialistic, but whatever you can do to alleviate her pain and your pain, just do it. Get it behind you so that you can both move forward.

Just between you and me, it was up to your father to see to it that his lady friend was taken care of, or at the very least given some token of his appreciation of her. Unfortunately, it has been left up to you to pick up the pieces. Often women of a certain age who have been widowed or divorced lose their income when they remarry. If that is the reason they didn't get married, then it is understandable that she would be bitter. It is too bad that you can't have a face-to-face conversation with her about her relationship with your father--their plans for the future--because it might give you an understanding of why she feels the way she does. She is in mourning, too, just like you.

In a perfect world, we would all seek the truth and try to make things better; however, because he was your father, you shouldn't feel an obligation to correct his mistakes, if indeed that is the case. Nevertheless, you might find that giving her something symbolic would be the kindest thing to do for you both.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Printed Labels for Thank-You Notes
Q Is it acceptable to use the computer to print address labels to be placed on funeral thank-you notes? Of course, the notes inside will be personally handwritten.

A No, because if someone takes the time to send an expression of sympathy, you want to take the time to hand-write the envelope. Another problem is that a lot of people do not open their labeled mail on a priority basis because labels don't look official, like the electric bill, or personal as in a thank-you note. Sure, you can get away slapping a label on the envelope, but it just never looks as nice as a handwritten address.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Receiving Line: Family Order
Q My dad passed away last year and the order of the receiving line was: my mother, his brother who flew in from Ireland for the services, my brother who is the 4th child of 5, his wife, my other brother who is the youngest, his wife, my sister who is the oldest, then myself. My other sister, 2nd oldest, passed away. At one point the line had shifted and I was pushed against a coffee table and eventually pushed out of the receiving line. This is MY dad, and I felt like I was a distant relative! Why were my sisters-in-law in the receiving line ahead of his daughters? Don't they usually stand behind the spouse in the second row, and isn't it oldest to youngest, and where should his brother have been? I was upset enough over my father's death,and this situation caused even more anguish. I only have one dad, and that was his only funeral, there are no do overs. All I was left with was bad memories.

A Oh dear, I am so sorry for your loss and deeply sorry that you are left with bad memories.

Customarily, the close relatives meet a few minutes ahead of time with the priest/funeral director to figure out who stands where to avoid this kind of bad memory. Then there is usually a rotation where after, say, twenty minutes some family members step out of the receiving line and others fill in. With such a large family, you had a perfect right to step in wherever you felt comfortable. For instance, if you had stepped in between your mother and your uncle for a while, that would have been fine. It is a bit like the children's game of musical chairs. It sounds as if everyone was so deep in their own grief for your father that they couldn't find the good grace to step aside and let you in.

These situations are so loaded with emotion that you can't really cast blame because you most certainly were not being deliberately slighted. Everyone was in their own head, so to speak. You need to go up the ladder here and cut your family members some slack by forgiving them for their rudeness. But I don't want you to forget. At the next family death, I want you to assert yourself. Tell the clergy/funeral director that you want him/her to help you arrange the receiving line because you were placed last in your father's receiving line. He/she will listen to you because that's their job, but then it is up to you to be assertive and hold your ground. You can speak up and say, "For Dad's receiving line I got short shrifted so I am going to stand in the first half of the line." If you don't speak up and take your place ahead of in-laws and uncles, you cannot really complain that you didn't get a good spot.

If you put yourself in those family member's shoes, you might be able to understand that they just weren't thinking about anything but their own grief. I'm not making excuses for them, I just know that is what happens. It is up to you to step up to the plate and carve a place for yourself in the receiving line. I am not asking you to be confrontational by standing between a sibling and their spouse, but you can even stand towards the beginning of the line and I seriously don't think that anyone will nudge you out.

When the opportunity arises, in your own dignified manner tell each sibling that you're not going to be the caboose on the next receiving line.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Red at Funeral
Q Why can't you wear red to a funeral?

A Why would you want to call attention to yourself by wearing red to a funeral?

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Replacing Flowers
Q My cousin died last year and she was so close to my age that I have taken her loss very hard. I think of her often and I want to place flowers in her vase, but I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings by removing the flowers that look old and worn. What is the proper etiquette for removing flowers and replacing them with new ones?

A If you know who the person is who put in the flowers that now look old and warn, telephone that person to say that you would like to place flowers in the vase, would she/he mind if you removed the old ones. You should be able to tell by inflections in that person's voice whether or not they are up for it. If the person hesitates, say, "Why don't I leave you my number and, when you want the flowers replaced, I'll be happy to do so. Maybe we could take turns."

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Reponse to Sympathy
Q When you have had death in your family and people extend their condolences, "I am so sorry to hear about your sister's death", what is the proper response?

A "Thank you for your kind words," are the only words you need to say.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Seating: When You're Not Yet Family
Q Hi Didi,

My boyfriend's grandfather recently died. I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years and have met all his family. When I attend the wake and funeral, do I arrive and sit with my boyfriend or do I attend on my own? What is the most apporpriate way to handle the wake and funeral? Thanks for your help!

A You will get your cues, if you listen for them. Since I want you to do the right thing here, you need to be sensitive to the drill. The people who sit closest to the altar arrive at the church an hour ahead of time to meet in "the family room." One of the officiating clergy will work with the family to figure out the "pecking order" (my expression, not the church's). As you know, traditionally, those closest to the deceased, his tight-knit family and friends, sit in the pews closest to the front of the church. Some of these people will be seated before the procession, which in your case might be you. The others, including your boyfriend, will walk up the aisle as part of the "family" and sit in the very front rows after the mourners have presumably all been seated.

This is one of those occasions when you wait for instructions. You tell your boyfriend that you will sit in one of the first pews that aren't roped off designated for family and that he shouldn't worry about you. If you were engaged, then you might be in the procession. As you are not yet engaged, you most likely won't be asked to walk in the procession.

But, my dear, I don't want you to read anything into this. Therefore, if you are not asked to sit in one of the closest pews with your boyfriend, don't take it personally. This has nothing to do with you, so don't distract your boyfriend's attention away from his family because they will most likely need him to escort an older member of the family. That's the kind of role he will need to play.

Tell him to do his thing and that you'll meet him outside the church after the service. Letting him off the hook like that will show him that you respect the fact that he is mourning the loss of his grandfather and that you understand that older members of his family need him to preform certain courtesies that have nothing to do with your and his relationship. You've got the hint by now: do not make any demands on him.

At a ritualistic service such as this, most men tap into their feelings of gallantry, courtliness and chivalry. These are traits that you will want to encourage throughout your relationship and therefore this couldn't be a better time to start. He might have tasks to perform and it might make him anxious if he thinks that, "you are upset with him because you're sitting all alone."

As to the wake, you most likely will want to attend on your own because he could be there for four hours or more. Again, ask him what time he wants you to appear and leave after an hour or two.

So, by all means, join in with the mourners, but keep your distance, know your space. In his own way, and in his own time, he will let you know when and where he wants you to be waiting for him, if you tell him that you would like to be there for him.

It is probably not necessary to tell you this, be out of respect for the solemnness of the occasion, don't be overly demonstrative or clingy in front of other family members.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sending Flowers
Q My husband's brother died, he was 73, what are the appropriate flowers for us to send, and should his mother also send flowers.

A Your husband's mother does not need to send flowers, people might even be sending her flowers. The flowers are sent for the living as well as the deceased. A bouquet of fresh flowers represents the cycle of life. White flowers symbolize the shining light, green rebirth. Purple represents royalty, yellow innocence.

The appropriate flowers to send are a matter of taste and often have to do with the fact that the person was in the armed services or, say, was deeply involved with his college alumni association and therefore his/her college colors would be appropriate. If your husband's brother served in the military, a wreath of red, white, and blue flowers with greens would be appropriate. As a close relative, you would send to the funeral either a casket spray, an inside casket piece, a standing spray, or a side table arrangement. If you included the deceased's mother's name on the card along with yours and your husband, that would be fine. She of course can send her own bouquet, but it is not expected.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sending Money in a Sympathy Card
Q Should you put money in a sympathy card?

A As I do not know the financial circumstances of the family, I do not know if they need money to cover the cost of the funeral. You might want to talk to a member of the family or a close friend to find out the best way you can help the family. Sending a sympathy card is always appropriate.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Separated Wife's Etiquette
Q My husband of 25 years has cancer and was given only months to live. We have been separated in marriage for a year. We filed for divorce but he changed his mind and canceled the divorce. His family HATES ME and always did. We still live apart BUT talk to each other every day and see each other weekly. Our son's ages are 25 and 15. When he dies do I still take my place as his wife?

A I understand your predicament and you have my deepest sympathy. The first thing you that have to do is to forget about the fact that your husband's family hates you and focus on being a good role model for your two sons.

How you are handling your husband's illness and how you handle his family and his death will show everyone that you are, and were, a dignified wife. Yes, that's right, it is all about dignity and unless he's got a romance that you don't know about, it is all going to come tumbling down on your plate.

Because your two sons are old enough, you can hand over some of the responsibility and busy work to them in terms of sharing the phone calling to friends and relatives as well as the other duties of deciding on the ceremony, burial, and having them flank you in the receiving line. The three of you will work as a team to get through this.

You can start by meeting with your husband to discuss the service, burial, and whom he wants in any receiving line or to speak at his service. It is important to get this written down in an e-mail or he could dictate his wishes to you; you would then read them back to him and have him sign it with your eldest son as a witness.

It sounds as if he is closer to you than anyone; therefore the burden falls on you, but it would be prudent for you to get your husband's wishes in writing as soon as possible. That way if his family makes a fuss, you can show them his wishes and his signature.

Sadly, not to put anymore pressure on you, the sooner that you get this done the better because you never want to be accused of manipulating the situation for your own benefit when he gets to a point where he is heavily medicated with pain killers.

This might not be the answer that you were looking for, but let me tell you that you will feel really good about how you handled the situation in the end. With great dignity and the support of your sons, you will get through this.

More specifically, take your place as his wife now. You don't wait until he dies. Because you are supporting him in his final days by talking to him everyday and seeing him once a week, you are the closest that he has to a wife and you are not legally divorced. In fact, you should be commended for stepping up to the plate in his greatest time of need and helping him to die in peace having him know that he ultimately made the right decision in his marriage, and knowing that you are a dignified role model for his sons.

One last point--and it is a huge one. You are a dignified role model for your two sons.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Service Arrival
Q How early should you arrive for a funeral?


A Of course, if you are a member of the family, you will arrive with the family from the family house; however, if you are a friend or distant relative or business associate, you need to arrive at the funeral before the family. I try to arrive twenty minutes before the time stated in the newspaper because the funeral is about the family of the deceased (and of course the dearly departed), and it is a matter of respect that we are all seated in our pews before the family arrives. The casket or urn may or may not be there already. If you are a member of the extended family, a distant cousin or good friend, you would sit in a pew on the right hand side of the church or way up front on the left. If the usher doesn't know you, he may ask you where you would like to sit. If I see that the left hand side of the church is conspicuously empty, I'll ask to sit up front on that side because it is awful to have a vast vacant space in the front while latecomers are crowded in the back. Even at funerals, it is important to be a self-sustaining guest.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Signing Card: Sister + Her Adult Family
Q How do you sign flowers being sent from the sister of a man and her adult children and families?

A She would use her family name. Let's say her married last name is Wilson, then she would sign the card: "With deepest love from, The Wilsons"

She can also list underneath Wilson her first name, the names of her adult children, and, if applicable, their spouses: Alice, James Beth, Ross, Maggie and Charles. (You would put the spouses next to one another.) You didn't ask about adult children's children; you can definitely add their names, too, following their parents.

With deepest love, The Wilsons
Alice, Beth, James, and Charles

If the sister is sending the flowers just from herself, then it would be: With deepest love, Alice

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Stepparent in Obituary
Q In what order do you list stepparent in an obituary?




A In an obituary the names of the survivors and their relationship to the deceased appear before the details of the funeral service and interment, unless it is the name of the spouse. You would list the stepparent last, after the last mention of children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Addressing
Q If it is my brother's wife's sister (sister in law) that passed, do I send the card to JUST my sister-in-law, whose sister passed, or do I address it to Mr. and Mrs., including my brother? I put Just HER first and last name. Did I do it wrong?
If so, what can I do?

A In my opinion, you did the correct thing. Not to worry. After all it is your sister-in-law's sister who passed.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card for Brother-In-Law
Q My husband's sister just passed, he was wondering if he should get a sympathy card for his brother-in-law?

A Yes, do have your husband send his brother-in-law a sympathy card. It is always best to go with first instincts. It sounds as if he would like to send a few words of sympathy. As it is more difficult for men to express themselves in times such as this, a sympathy card is often the best way in which to do so.

Try to encourage your husband to write a line or two of his own on the card before signing it. Something such as: Susan (insert your name) joins me in sending you our deepest sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Personalized
Q What is the proper way to fill out a sympathy card?

A It would depend upon how well you knew the deceased and how well you knew the person to whom you were sending the sympathy card. Whatever you do, don't just sign your name. A handwritten sentence or two might be a good way to personalize your sympathy. Perhaps something of this nature: I am so sorry for your loss. Our (My) love and prayers are with you and your family.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Card Sent or Take to Funeral
Q Is it customary to bring a sympathy card to the funeral that you are attending? At the viewing do you bring one? I thought if you could not attend then you send a card.

A It is considerate to send the cards because cards can get misplaced and lost. If the card is sent, you know the recipients will have it to appreciate in their own time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Cards
Q Do sympathy cards need to be thanked?


A Yes, when people show compassion, it might be nice to thank them.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Cards to Family
Q My husband's great aunt passed away. I am wondering if I should send sympathy cards to his aunts, grandmother and mother from just me, both of us or not at all?

A Just the fact that you're asking about it means you think it is the right thing to do or you wouldn't have this on your mind. Buy some simple cards that say "Thinking of you... " and send them from both of you. I can do my husband's signature well enough so that it looks as if we both signed the card. If he wants to write a couple of lines on his own, let him but no need to push it. If you know that he's sweet on, say, his grandmother, let him do that card and you sign it, too. It is good to get a routine about these family matters.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Sympathy Donation Acknowledgments
Q Must one write thank-you notes for donations in his father's honor: his father passed away about one month ago?

A Yes, it is proper to acknowledge all gifts. In most quality stationery stores he can find boxed acknowledgment cards or he can have some made up to read something like this but the lines are centered and filling in his father's first, middle and last names:

The family of
John Wilson Doe
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.

Then inside the card he can handwrite a couple of sentences and sign his name.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Cards
Q How long after the funeral for your father do thank-you cards have to be sent out?

A Within three months is a respectable time frame for acknowledging expressions of sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Cards
Q When sending thank-you cards after a funeral - do you send cards to those who send you a sympathy card and do you send a card to those who attended the funeral?


A You do not need to thank people for coming to the funeral, except perhaps in conversation. Traditionally, all expressions of sympathy through cards, flowers, and charitable donations are acknowledged. Better stationery stores have boxed acknowledgments that you can personalize, or you can have them made up to share with other family members.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Notes
Q Is it necessary to send thank-you notes to people who came to calling hours or just to people who sent flowers, cards, food, etc.?

A You only need to send acknowledgments to those who sent expressions of sympathy. Better stationery stores carry boxed acknowledgment cards that you can personalize with a sentence or two before signing.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Notes
Q My co-workers sent my husband and me a beautiful plant on the death of my husband's mom. I would like to write a note to each of them. What do I say in the note?

A Details are key in a thank-you note. Mention the size and variety of the plant and also the color of the flowers, if it was flowering upon arrival. The note doesn't have to be long, but it does have to be written with a heartfelt tone:

Bill and I are touched by your thoughtfulness. The beautiful, potted, coral begonia plant that you sent arrived in full bloom to bring cheer into our household. The first thing we did was to go on-line to find out how to care for such a special plant.

Bill joins me in thanking you for sending such a large and lovely begonia in memory of my mother-in-law, Judith Smith. With much appreciation,

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-You Notes for Contributions
Q I want to sincerely and correctly and appropriately thank people for memorial contributions made in my father's name. Just doesn't seem right to put in one sentence "Thank you for your generous donation to X" but thought it was redundant to say, "X is a cause my father deeply believed in...". I don't want to come across as patronizing either?

A A heartfelt thank-you note for any expression of sympathy is always appreciated. You might say how your father became involved with the charity. A thank-you note is never considered patronizing so, do not let your self-consciousness stifle your writing. A good thank-you note for an expression of sympathy connects the contributor with your father and your father with the charity.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Condolences
Q Should I respond with a thank-you to those who sent cards after the funeral of my mother? The funeral home supplied small preprinted cards. Should I use these and add a sentence or two to personalize?

A You are not required to add your own sentences to the preprinted cards, but the effort you make will surely be appreciated by the recipients.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Condolences
Q After a funeral do you send a thank-you card to everyone who sent cards or just the ones who sent other things like flowers, food, etc.?

A It is customary to send the boxed acknowledgments or have one printed up, if you can't find any in a stationary store that suits you, to all those who expressed their sympathy. You can add a personal line, "The white lilies you sent were so beautiful," before signing your name. The ecru colored card with black ink might read something such as this (you would use your own information and center the lines on the card):

The family of
Charles Stuart Dickens
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Sympathy Card
Q Am I obligated to send a "thank-you" card for those who have sent a sympathy card for the loss of my mother, or do I send the thank you cards only to those who have made a donation to a charity or sent flowers?

A Sending a sympathy card, flowers, or donation to a charity in remembrance of a loved one is a social bid. If you wish to sustain the relationship with the sender, I am sure a thank- you note would be greatly appreciated; however, a simple oral thank-you for a sympathy card is perfectly acceptable.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Thank-Yous for Sympathy Cards
Q Do you send thank-you cards for those who sent cards to the family at a funeral?

A Often the funeral parlor will provide the family of the deceased with printed cards which on an individual basis they can decide to personalize or not. Or the family may have cards printed up that might say the following: The family of Charles Dickens deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Time Frame for Sympathy Card
Q Is it okay to send a sympathy card if it has been a month since the person's loved one passed or is it too late?

A It is never too late to express your sympathy whether in writing or in person.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Tipping the Clergyman
Q Is it proper etiquette to tip a minister after a funeral service?

A The clergyman receives a fee for his service. Traditionally, that fee is established ahead of time by talking to the parish secretary. A check enclosed in an envelope would be given to a member of the family to give to the clergyman at the end. The actual amount would depend upon how much time the clergyman spent arranging the funeral, the program, and tending to family members. For instance, did he go to the house, the funeral parlor, the wake, and the grave? If the funeral in question has past, call the parish house office for the clergyman's address and send it.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Viewing
Q What is proper etiquette for attending a viewing and/or funeral for a close friend's brother-in-law?


A There really aren't any fast held rules for viewings and funerals. The important thing is to dress and act respectfully. The best thing to do is to watch and observe what others are doing. The closer you are to the family, the closer you would sit to the family. So, say, if you are a co-worker, casual friend, or neighbor, you might sit towards the back. The family and close friends would file out first and you would wait until they had passed to leave. Usually there is a book that you would sign at the entrance. Customarily in lieu of flowers many families prefer that a donation be sent to the nonprofit or charity of the family's choice. The funeral parlor and newspaper announcement would have that information.

You do not necessarily have to wear black, but you would wear somber colors. Not red for instance. Since you might be on your feet for periods of time, you would want to wear comfortable shoes but be sure that they are well-shined. If you have a tendency to cry at emotional occasions, be sure to bring tissues or a handkerchief. Lots of times the actual burial is private for the family only. If you have any questions, it is the funeral parlor's staff's job to dispense all information. As different denominations have different customs and even customs can vary from region to region, it is best to look around and follow closely what others are doing. If you have a specific question about, say, what you should wear, please email me back with your gender and age and I would be happy to help you further. Dark suits are appropriate. You would not chew gum and your cellphone would be off at all times. It is also customary to arrive fifteen minutes before the start of the service, as nobody should be walking in looking for a seat after the service has begun. Additionally, you would write to a member of the family to say that you are sorry for their loss. A sympathy card would do or you can use your best social stationary.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What Is a Neighbor to Do
Q My neighbor, a 65+ Ethiopian, took his own life this weekend. We have lived next door to them for 4 years and have always had a very pleasant relationship. Because of the age difference, we have never become real close. My wife did some research on the culture and so far everything she read is happening. There is a constant flow of family and close friends day and night. My questions are, when would it be appropriate to bring a card over? And would a $200 gift be considered and insult (culturally)?



A It is not about the money. Obviously, you want to do what is "considered" conventionally the right thing to do--which is sweet. However, even a smaller gift in his memory would be totally appropriate. On-line you should be able to read the obituary which should tell you: "In lieu of flowers" a small gift to the charity of the deceased's choice would be greatly appreciated. That would be the way to honor your deceased neighbor. Even if you sent $50-$100, that would be fine. On the other hand, if you feel that your neighbor's family might be struggling with death expenses, send whatever you like. Once again, the death notice should give you your clue as to what to do. When in doubt, telephone the funeral director--especially if you don't know the family--and you will be told the family's wishes.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Bring for Sitting Shiva
Q What do you bring to a shiva?

A It would depend upon whether the deceased was an Orthodox, Conservative or Reform Jew, because Reform Jews do not socialize after the death of a family member. If the family is Orthodox, they sit at home for seven days, and it is called "sitting Shiva." In the evening friends and neighbors come by bringing gifts of food and sit with the family. Perhaps you should call a mutual friend of yours and the deceased and ask them to suggest something for you to bring because the family will not be answering phone messages or emails at that time.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Bring to Funeral Shiva
Q What do I bring to a funeral shiva?

A To be safe, if you do not know if they are kosher of not, bring uncut fruit or pastries from a kosher bakery.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Do
Q Do you visit people the day after they lose a loved one?







A It depends upon how close you are to the people and if they have people who are closer to them around, as in family, lovers, best friends. The people who are closest visit immediately to see how they can help out by answering phone calls, notifying relatives and friends, helping with the obituary and funeral arrangements, taking care of small children, and supervising meals. If you are not close enough to be there early on and do not know whom to call, look for the name of the funeral parlor in the local newspaper, because they can give you the hours for calling and the funeral information. As you probably know, different religions handle funerals differently and the funeral parlor will be able to tell you if you can visit and where. If the obituary is not yet listed, telephone your local newspaper or look for the death notice on-line.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: What to Say in Response to Sympathy
Q When you have had death in your family and people extend their condolences, "I am so sorry to hear about your sister's death", what is the proper response?

A "Thank you for your kind words," are the only words you have to say.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: When Ministers Are Insensitive to All the Family
Q A minister addressed a sympathy card to my husband only when his mother died, knowing us for nearly 25 years and the close relationship we shared, since she had been at one point as close as a mother to me. He had known that we went an hour's drive away each week to bring a supply of frozen food I'd prepared for them before she died. This minister's daughter married our son who is also bothered by the fact that he ignored the loss of others in the family. When it was brought to his attention, he declared he'd done nothing wrong and couldn't even seem to acknowledge he'd made an oversight. It is not like he didn't know us, which would have made the oversight understandable. Once brought to his attention, the overreaction made it look intentional. In a situation like this, where the one knows the other family, and has for nearly 25 years, is it not appropriate to include the husband and wife in a loss either one has and shares with each other? Please advise.

A This is not the affirmation that you are looking for. I understand your grief. You obviously loved your mother-in-law very much and the minister should have acknowledged that.

Traditionally, the clergy person would write to one member of the family, presumably the person who had the closest relationship with the deceased. In his eyes, the minister thought that he was doing the right thing by writing just to your husband. A younger, better educated clergy person would have written to you both. Or at the very least included your name in the letter. Nowadays, younger clergy people are more sensitive to the fact that extended family can be as effected or even more so by the loss of a beloved.

As clergy people become better schooled in the ways of the mind and not just the ways of the soul, they will begin to acknowledge and include other family members as well as other kinds of partners.

The clergy person thought that he was doing his job. He was relating to your husband because it was easier for him to identify with him than perhaps you or a daughter, if you have one.

At a time such as this, it is important to cut the minister some slack and move on. His slight was not intentional. His slight was just naive. As more women go into the ministry, we will see a greater sensitivity all around. Please don't give this another thought. Put it behind you. I understand, you will forgive but you won't be able to forget. For your own peace of mind, please try to do both.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: When You Can't Attend
Q I could not attend a neighbor's wake because of illness. What should I do?

A When you are better, send either a card, adding a couple of personalized sentences, or write a heartfelt expression of sympathy in the form of a short note.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: When You Don't Know the Deceased
Q I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. My boyfriend's co-worker's brother died. I never met this co-worker, or any of his co-workers for that matter. Is it appropriate to attend the wake with my boyfriend?

A If you don't know your boyfriend's colleague and didn't know his brother, then you are not expected to go to the wake. You don't want to feel awkward at the wake because you don't know anyone, especially since you didn't even know the deceased. It would also be awkward going through the receiving line when you're asked by the mother, "How did you know my son?" What would you say?

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Where to Send Flowers
Q My sister just passed away. She is in Australia and I'm in Texas. We had not spoken in almost 12 years, not due to a fight or anything, mainly just distance and not getting along with our mother who lives with my sister. My question is, I am not sure where to send flowers, to the funeral home or to the house?

Thank you,
Mike

A If your sister's family is receiving family and friends at the funeral home, then you would send the flowers to the funeral home. If they are not receiving friends at the funeral home, then you would send them to your sister's house. The funeral home will have that information. You can probably find the e-mail address on-line once you get the name of the funeral parlor from her local newspaper in Australia.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Who Attends Out-Of-Town Visitation
Q Do I attend the out of town visitation of a co-worker's father whom I've never met?

A No, you are under no obligation whatsoever to attend the visitation of a colleague's father whom you've never met.

However, you might want to send a note to your co-worker to say how deeply sorry you are for his loss and that he has your sincere sympathy. You can do this on your social note paper or with a sympathy card. If you use a sympathy card, then be sure to add a couple of heartfelt sentences in your own handwriting before signing it.

Nowadays, when people receive a handwritten envelope, they know that you have taken the time to go out of your way to acknowledge their loss and their sorrow.

Codes + Conduct: Funeral Etiquette: Widow Wear: Legwear
Q My husband passed away last Saturday and we are having a memorial service for him on April 21st. I am naturally wearing a black dress, but confused as to what to wear or not wear on my legs since the style is bare/naked legs. Should I go with the bare legs or wear black stockings? I know this seems silly, but I am there to represent him and I want to be just right for him. Thank you for your having this web site, I look forward to your insight.

A First, I am sorry for your loss. Wanting to look right is always admirable. Not a silly question at all. What you want to wear on your legs is really good quality legwear. In my opinion, you would wear a high quality, light-toned pantyhose that has a slight shine. Always go a slightly lighter color than your skin tone. This will give you an elegant and dignified look with your black dress. Also, good quality legwear lasts forever, if you take care of it. I love Wolford (they have a Web address), but any good quality brand would be lovely.

Black would look too Italian mafia. Ordinary pantyhose will be to orange/bronze. You want to look elegant. That's what you said.

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