Codes + Conduct: Acknowledging Death in Conversation
Q I missed my boss's mother-in-law's memorial service (I did send a memorial monetary gift in her name to a Heart Society) but never sent a sympathy card to her personally -I will see her tomorrow at the annual dinner dance- probably the only time I see her each year - do I mention my condolences???

A In conversation you might say, "I am so sorry about your mother-in-law." Since you didn't know her, there is not much more you can say about her, so that's all you need to say. Just acknowledging a loss is enough.

Codes + Conduct: Airplane Etiquette
Q What is good plane etiquette? Do you ignore your seat mate in fear of starting a never-ending conversation? How do you be polite without being rude?

A The surest way NOT to engage in conversation is to:

Not make eye contact
Not make small talk
Not help with overhead baggage
Not laugh or cry over the movie
Not offer to share a taxi or limo

However, less high-stressed sophisticates who want to appear civilized make smiling non-verbal eye contact just once with other passengers in close proximity. If your seat mate tries to chat you up, take out your laptop or a book and redirect your focus.

Codes + Conduct: American Flag Etiquette
Q Is there a right way to dislay other flags with the American flag? Is there a rule or law about flying the US flag after it has become dirty and ragged?

A The American flag is always flown higher than any other flag and it is flown in the center, if there are other flags. So: if there are three flags, the American flag is flown higher than the two flags on either side of it. There are no rules carved in stone about when to retire a tattered American flag. When you can afford to buy a new one, you might dispose of your tattered flag in a somber, dignified ceremony in your back yard and burn it without fanfare. Alternatively, if you telephone your local fire department, or boy scout or girl scout troop, they will burn the flag for you.

Codes + Conduct: Argument for Good Manners
Q What is the best way to explain the importance of good manners to someone who thinks that good manners are restrictive and unnecessary? Thank you for your time.

A Good manners are based on consideration, compassion and compromise. Any social situation or problem can most likely be solved if any or all of these words are considered. Society created boundaries of behavior out of necessity, because otherwise we would have chaos. There are no rules of manners carved in stone and enforced by etiquette police. Through trial and error over a lifetime, we learn to go up the ladder; when we are considerate, people are usually considerate back, when we are compassionate, people eventually are compassionate towards us, and when we compromise, we resolve the problem, the conflict, or/and the stress.

Codes + Conduct: Asking New Home Purchase Price
Q Is it proper to ask someone how much the purchase price of a new house?

A No, it is not proper to ask someone the purchase price of their new house. Do people do it? Sadly, yes. It is up to the new house owner to disclose that information without prompting. With humor, it is often easier to extract that figure by goading the person into telling you while teasing him or her gently.

Codes + Conduct: Audience Etiquette
Q What behavior should an attendee engage in while attending a public meeting or forum? Are there some basic dos and don'ts as a member of the audience? May I publish your answer in our civic league newsletter?

A You may publish my answer in your civic league newsletter only if you give credit to Didi Lorillard at www.newportmanners.com.

Don't be late because it is disruptive. Arrive early to get a good seat. Take off your hat and coat before entering the room and fold your coat over your lap after you're seated, or hang your jacket on the back of your chair. Keep your briefcase under or next to your chair so that nobody stumbles over it trying to make their way out to the aisle. Do not chew gum or tobacco, eat food, or drink a beverage other than water. Listen carefully and quietly before you raise your hand to speak because the issue might have been covered while you were talking to a seat mate. When your request to speak is acknowledged, state your name, address, and, if relevant, your connection or expertise in the matter at hand. You address the audience and/or the people on the dais with, "Ladies and gentlemen......

Do not interrupt anyone else while they are speaking and if you are interrupted, be patient. Before criticizing anyone or anything, make sure that you know what you're talking about. Most of the time you will find that you can narrow whatever you are trying to say down to three points, so have three sentences rehearsed so that no matter what happens, you get your three points across in about three minutes. Thank the chair and the ladies and gentlemen in the audience for their attention and for letting you speak. After returning to your seat, wait until there is a break between speakers before exiting the auditorium.

Codes + Conduct: Auto Etiquette
Q Like to see a standard for IN CAR manners, described: regarding temperature control, picking nose, radio control, road rage, jerky driving, etc.

A Good manner and etiquette are used everywhere, even in cars, because they are based on consideration, compassion and compromise. So: be considerate of other passengers and drivers, be compassionate, don't subject other passengers to having to witness tending to body hygiene in the car, and compromise on the temperature and radio control.

Codes + Conduct: Auto Etiquette: Chauffer
Q Sitting in a chauffer driven car, who sits on right?

A Customarily, the driver would open the right rear car door first for the woman to get into the car and she would sit on the right side of the back seat. The man would enter the car through the left side rear door and sit in back of the chauffeur next to the woman. The exception might be on a terrifically busy street at rush hour in a bit city when cars are zooming by at a clip, then the man might enter through the rear right door and scoot himself over to the left side of the seat, then the woman would enter and sit on the right. If there is only one passenger, he or she would sit in the right rear seat.

Codes + Conduct: Aversion to Shaking Hands
Q I hate to shake hands because I know that more germs are passed through shaking hands then they are by kissing; however, as I am a man, most of the time kissing is not appropriate. I have a horror of touching someone else's hands. How can I avoid the dreaded proverbial handshake?

A You are not the only one who finds shaking hands repugnant. It is easier for women to avoid a hand shake because when a man is introduced to a women he doesn't extend his hand to shake hers unless she puts her hand out first. On the other hand, a man only needs to shake hands for three seconds, so at least you can control the length of contact. If, as you say, you cannot stand the touch of flesh, why not develop a hefty manly hug? Put your arms out in front of you hinged at the elbow robot-style and advance towards the greeter, placing your hands briefly on the person's back. You might even find that hugging is a nice experience; everyone everywhere does it. You will be spared having to touch any flesh but at the same time you will have cultivated an enthusiastic greeting. One particularly outspoken cousin here in Newport makes it known wherever she goes that she doesn't shake hands and she talks about it openly so that everyone within earshot knows not to attempt to shake her hand.

Codes + Conduct: Awards Ceremony: Mentioning Deceased Father
Q We are holding an awards ceremony for military dependents. One of the winners is a son of a retired Air Force person who also happens to be deceased. When announcing the winner, we announce the parents. What should I do about the deceased parent? Do I say son of CM Sgt Joe Smith, retired and deceased?

A You say, "......, son of former CM Sgt. Joe Smith."

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Announcements
Q My husband and I recently moved away from our family and friends. We are expecting our first baby and wondered what the proper etiquette would be for inviting all of our friends and family back home. Even though we know most of them won't be able to attend, do we still send an invite or is that rude and seeming like we are only expecting a gift???

A Since you know that most of your friends back home will not be able to attend the baby shower, you would not send them invitations. However, you can send them all a birth announcement announcing the full name of the baby, the date of birth, and weight at birth, along with a photo of the baby. Your return address would be on the back of the envelope so that if anyone wants to send your baby a gift, they know where to send it.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Announcing a New Baby
Q I would like to purchase thank-you stationary with an embossed monogram for an upcoming baby girl shower in March (baby is due in April). Can the baby's monogram be used or should I use my own?



A Actually, you can do it either way. You can use her monogram or yours. Another way you can do it is to have the stationery with your monogram and enclose a small baby card with the baby's full name. The monogram won't tell people her name, whereas the card would have her full name. The small baby card is the traditional way of announcing the baby's name and, interestingly enough, has now become popular once again.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Ask Before Touching Pregnant Woman's Belly
Q Asking before touching pregnant woman?


A People's personal space is a huge consideration. As a woman becomes larger during her pregnancy and shinning in her glory, some people are moved to touch her belly. She may be irresistible, but you need to ask permission to touch her. Ask first.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Birth Announcement
Q If a person attends a baby shower and gives a gift at the shower, should that person receive a birth announcement, or is an announcement just asking for another gift?

A Receiving a birth announcement is always a joy. If the friend or relative has already given the baby a present and a thank-you note has already been sent, why not send that person an announcement, also? These days birth announcements are very creative and they are such an easy way to remind friends that they are a part of your life. I have a wonderful cousin, Christy, who has just had three babies in quick succession and upon receiving each baby gift, she has sent out a thank-you note followed by a formal birth announcement. The birth announcement is an additional thank-you on top of the handwritten thank-you. You can never thank enough.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Christening Presents
Q What is an appropriate gift for a baby christening?

A If you go to Tiffany & Company online and click-on baby gifts, you will find lots of ideas. You will see the classics: a silver baby cup, a silver frame for a baby picture, several silver teething rings, or a china baby cup and plate. The silver cup and frame can be engraved with the baby's name, monogram, or birth or christening date. Alternatively, you might find those gifts locally. Classic children's books are also an excellent present and you can inscribe them with the baby's name, date of christening and your name. You want to give a gift that they can have forever and that might possibly be passed down to their children, which is why silver and books are the best presents. If the gift is for a girl, you might give a piece of baby jewelry, which might be a small cross on a chain, charm for a charm bracelet, or a couple of pearls to start a pearl necklace.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Nursing Towels Gift
Q I received as a gift what appears to be three white linen tea towels as a baby gift after I gave birth to my daughter. I'm not sure what they are and why they were given as a baby gift. How do I thank the giver, since I can't thank them for the gift by name, since I'm not sure what it is?

A In my opinion, this is an incredibly elegant and chic baby present. White linen towels in this instance are called either "nursing towels" or "teething towels," depending upon the age of the baby. We moms call them "burping towels"; however, you wouldn't want to call them that in a thank-you note. If your daughter is being christened, you would take the linen towels to the ceremony and place one over the godmother's shoulder before handing her your baby. That way if the baby drools, the linen towel is there to absorb the liquid. After the ceremony everyone will want to hold the baby, so you will be happy that you've got two fresh, elegant linen towels in your bag. Usually they would be used whenever your daughter is dressed up, whether it is for Great Aunt Betty, who wants to rock her in the rocking chair, or for when her granddaddy just wants to hold her to his chest. Those white linen towels will come in mighty handy at special moments. In your thank-you note say that you greatly appreciate the elegant and thoughtful nursing towels and that you find them incredibly elegant to use.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Presents
Q Do you give a baby gift at the birth of a child if you already gave a shower gift? What if it is a second child, and there was no baby shower?

A It would depend upon your relationship with the baby's parents, the needs of the family, and what you can afford. If you have already given a shower present, that is considered your baby gift. However, if you are invited to the baptism, you might give a baptism gift. If it is a second child and there was no baby shower, the mother would most likely greatly appreciate a gift of fresh baby clothing or bedding for her new baby. By all means, if you can afford to give the second baby a gift, please do.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower for Third Child
Q My daughter has two sons and is expecting a girl. Two years ago we had a baby shower for her. Is it proper to have another baby shower since she is having a girl?

A By all means, the baby should have a shower. Every baby deserves fresh clothing and linens; however, close family does not solicit gifts for family. Perhaps a friend of your daughter's or a cousin might host the party and send out the invitations and you might help with the cost behind the scenes.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower Thank-You Notes
Q What is the proper time frame to send out thank-you notes for a baby shower?

A Thank-you notes should be mailed within two weeks after the baby shower. If there are a lot of them to write, say, over ten, then they should all be mailed within a month.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower Thank-You Present for Host
Q What is an appropriate price to spend on a gift as a "Thank You" for hosting a baby shower?

A It would depend upon whether there was more than one host, if the party was hosted in their home or a restaurant, what was served at the party and the cost of the favors. If there are several hostesses who shared the cost, you might give each hostess, say, a miniature rose in a pot with a pretty ribbon. If there was one hostess, you might send her a gift certificate to her favorite florist or restaurant along with a heartfelt thank-you note. Price would be predicated on how much you can afford, the total expense of the shower, and how the expense was divided. I know you don't like this answer, but I would need more information to give you a more precise answer.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Shower Thank-You Note
Q How to write a thank-you note for a baby shower gift?

A Thank the person for the specific gift. Mention the gift and why you like the gift. Thank the person for their thoughtfulness and generosity. The worst thing is to receivie a thank-you note for a gift in which the person doesn't mention the gift or why they like it, so be sure to do both.

Codes + Conduct: Baccalaureate Etiquette
Q What is the proper etiquette for a baccalaureate service?

A You will be instructed what to do and where to sit. Dress as if you were going to a church service: a man would wear a tie and jacket and a woman would wear a dress or summer suit. A baccalaureate service is very much like a church service with readings and speakers, except that it is non-denominational.

Codes + Conduct: Baccalaureate Service: Recessional
Q At the end of a college or high school Baccalaureate service, while the orchestra is onstage completing the recessional music and just after the graduates have finished filing out, is it ok for the audience to stand up, talk, and leave, or should the audience remain seated until the orchestra has finished playing?

A Usually, the audience stands during the recessional and files out of their rows after the graduates have marched past. At most services, the graduates toss their hats in the air and there is great excitement not only amongst the graduates, but within the family audience. Everyone joins in the celebration and congratulations.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Monetary gifts
Q Got invited to a bar mitzvah but will not attend. Do we still send a gift?

A If you are a relative or a close friend of the family, you would want to send the child a gift or a card with a small check enclosed in order to sustain the relationship with the parents. If you don't really wish to keep the aquaintance, you do not have to send a gift.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Monetary gifts
Q How much money is appropriate for a cash bar mitzvah cash gift?

A Depending upon how much you can afford and where the bar mitzvah is taking place, for instance in a large city such as New York, one hundred dollars might be appropriate. In smaller towns and the suburbs, fifty dollars.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Reciprocation
Q If my son is invited to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, does he have to reciprocate?

A Although a Bar/Bat Mitzvah invitation is a social bid and it is best to reciprocate with a return social bid, because it is a sacred religious ceremony, not everyone does or can. Customarily, a gift is the best reciprocation.

Codes + Conduct: Bare Legs in Richmond
Q Do you wear hose with heeled sandals for semi-formal occassion in Richmond Va?

A If your legs and feet are well taken care of, there are not a lot of things sexier than well-groomed, defined, shined legs that lead to colorful toenails. If that is not the case, then by all means wear hose that will tone them.

Codes + Conduct: Bathroom Etiquette: A Toilet Paper Issue of How It Hangs
Q We have a family discussion on this topic---Which is the proper way to hang toilet paper/paper towels? The end piece hanging toward the front or toward the wall?

A For twenty-five years my husband and I have had this issue with the tissue. His family always had the piece to pull farthest from the wall, which I find hard to handle. In my family the toilet paper was drawn from against the wall. So: I am an against the wall person and it so annoys me when he replaces it his way. There are issues in life, we have to decide which battles to fight. Toilet paper is not one of mine. However, I am the one, when I see it needs replacing, to replace it my way.

Codes + Conduct: Bathroom Etiquette: Commode Seat
Q Bathroom etiquette - Commode seat

A A gentleman always lowers the seat back down, but he does not necessarily have to put the lid down, too.

Codes + Conduct: Bedroom Etiquette: Bed Mat
Q At hotels what is the white linen towel on the floor for when you have your bed turned down?

A One would assume that the cloth is there for you to step on when your feet are bare, perhaps to catch any superficial dust or sand and when you get out of bed it is there to cushion your feet from the cold floor.

Codes + Conduct: Birthday Gift Thank-You Notes
Q Should you send thank-you notes for birthday gifts?

A Yes, you would acknowledge all birthday gifts graciously depending upon your lifestyle with either a handwritten thank-you note, a heartfelt email, or a phone call, however, not with a voicemail message.

Codes + Conduct: Blowing Nose at Table
Q Is it impolite for someone to blow their nose at the table in a restaurant or should they go to the restroom or outside?

A A gentleman does not blow his nose at the table. He excuses himself and takes care of his nose where nobody can see him or hear him.

Codes + Conduct: Boat Etiquette: Dedicating + Decorating a Cake
Q What is the proper verbiage to write on a cake, when you are dedicating a boat to a living person in honor of all their work in starting our team?

A Have an image of the boat duplicated on the cake and write, "In gratitude of (insert the person's name)." Since I don't know the size of the cake, it is difficult to say how much you can do with the cake.

Codes + Conduct: Bow or Curtsey to Her Majesty
Q Must Americans bow or curtsey when meeting British royalty?

A It might depend upon whether you are on British soil or you are in the United States, whether you are an American fficial, or not. For instance, if you are greeting Her Majesty in the United States, you might make a modest bow while shaking her hand. If in Great Britain, you might make a dainty curtsey to Her Majesty. Years ago there was a hugely overblown controversy about whether American women officials should bow or not and the protocol code changed; now women officials are not supposed to bow or curtsey to Royalty.

Codes + Conduct: Boyfriend Chews with Open Mouth
Q Help! My most awesome boyfriend, who is a dream come true, chews with his mouth open. When we're alone, I gently point this out and he tries not to do it, but when we're dining with friends or my family I don't want to humiliate him. How do I tell him in public to close his mouth without embarrassing him?

A Training a man to chew with his mouth closed falls into that same category as teaching a man to put down the toilet seat. Men are largely rote learners. Nonetheless, when you've had your first grandchild, he might still be chewing with his mouth open. Be patient. It's good that you're catching this early in the relationship. Pick a symbol and agree that when you ask him, say, to please pass the salt (even if it is sitting in front of you or in front of another), he will know that you are not talking about the salt. He will remember that you want him to close his mouth when he chews. Then on the way home, thank him for remembering to chew with his mouth closed. You don't have to remind him that you had to use the symbol. Your appreciation will be all that is needed for him to remember that your asking for the salt is not just about the salt. You might even give him a kiss or a squeeze to emphasize your appreciation.

Codes + Conduct: Breaking Rolls
Q When eating a roll, how many pieces is it okay to break it into? How do you eat a roll properly?

A If you are, say, right handed, you would take the roll in your left hand and with your right hand you would gently tear a piece or two from the roll placing both pieces on the plate. After returning the roll to the plate, you would then pick up the pieces one at a time and eat them. It is not so much a matter of breaking rolls, as pulling them apart into manageable bites.

Codes + Conduct: Breaking Wind
Q Should you excuse yourself if you break wind in the presence of another person?

A It would depend upon the situation. For instance if you were in a store, you wouldn't excuse yourself to the public at large. Nevertheless, if you were in an intimate position in bed, you might either make light of the situation, ignore the situation, or excuse yourself. If you're at a party, you might say nothing in the hope that by not owning up to the situation, people around you would not be absolutely sure it came from you. There is that thin line between whether people know for sure that it came from you because they heard it or you are not sure that they heard it. Most people ignore the situation because it happens to all of us at one time or another.

Codes + Conduct: Breast Feeding
Q What should I do now that I have a new baby and am nursing?! My husband and I are invited to an open house and want to bring our baby! She will need to be fed during the time we are there! HELP!

A As someone who has nursed two babies, this is the answer I would give. First you need to ask your host if you can bring your baby. Upon greeting your host you would ask where you can feed your baby in privacy or semi-privacy; otherwise you will have to use a bathroom or go out to your car while you nurse. Be a self-sustaining guest and remember that the purpose of your host's open house is for him to tend to all of his guests and in no way should you and your baby become the center of attention. It would be best if you planned your feeding schedule around the time of the party; nurse your baby before and after the party so that you can have time to enjoy yourself. As it is an open-house, your stay probably would not last more than an hour anyway.

Codes + Conduct: Brownie Troop Etiquette
Q I am trying to find printable info on table manners and how to set a table, general manners to teach a Brownie troop of seven-year-olds.

A Basic manners for seven-year-olds. Remember that you can always role play to make your point. For instance, have them practice answering the phone politely.

Always have good hygiene, brush your teeth and bathe regularly.
Before leaving your room, be sure that your shoes are tied and that the clothing you are wearing is clean and everything matches.
Lay your clothes for the next day out the night before.
Pack your backpack for school before you go to bed.
Eat a breakfast with protein because it is the most important meal of the day.
Kiss your parent(s) good-bye.
Don't shove or make loud noises on the school bus because you don't want the bus driver to get in an accident.
Keep your mittens in your coat pocket so that you don't lose them.
Say hello to your friends when you see them at the start of the day.
Raise your hand before talking in class.
Do not make fun of other children or the teachers.
Wash your hands before lunch.
At the lunch table, if you see someone wandering alone wondering where to sit, motion for her to come and join you and your friends.
Be kind and considerate.
Never cheat, steal, or tell lies.
Say no to smoking and drinking.
Learn how to compromise with your friends and family to make everyone happy.
Thank other children or teachers who hold the door open for you or who do other kind things.
Thank teachers and friends who compliment you.
Remember to apologize if you bump into someone in the hallway or shove them by mistake.
Never get into a car or go anywhere with anyone that you don't know well.
If someone grabs you, kick and scream as loud as you can and don't stop screaming.
If you are riding your bike and someone who is in car stops you, stay on your bike, cling to your bike and don't let go of the handle bars because the person will not be able to put both the bike and you in the car.
Always tell your parents where you are going.
Never speak to strangers even if they say they know you, your parents, or your friends.
Ask your parents what you can do to help with dinner.
At the dinner table when in doubt, use your fork.
Napkins are spread across the lap to catch crumbs and spills from soiling your clothing.
Never put your elbows on the table.
When you answer the phone, politely ask who is calling before taking the phone to your parent or sibling.
If someone calls, don't put them on hold without telling them that you are putting them on hold and that you will be right back.
Finish your homework before watching TV.
Tell your parents when you go on the Internet.
Read at least one hour a night before going to bed.
Be thankful for all that you have.
Kiss your parents good-night.

Codes + Conduct: Brushing Away Crumbs
Q Is is appropriate after you have finished eating to brush away the crumbs carefully that invariably land at your place setting?

A Yes.

Codes + Conduct: Calling Doctors by Their Given Names
Q I work with Dr's and at times we socialize after work. The Dr's want me to call them by their first names; I feel that is disrespectful - can you help? A Dr is a Dr wherever they are.

A When a person asks you to call them by their given name, then you should honor their request. You might mention next time they ask you to drop the doctor title that you are afraid if you start calling them by their first name off-hours, you will forget to call them doctor at work. Then it will be up to them to ask you to call them by their first name at work, too.

Codes + Conduct: Cap + Tassel
Q What side of the cap does the tassel hang for graduation?

A The tassel hangs on the right side.

Codes + Conduct: Capitalizing Seasons
Q Is summer capitalized in a sentence. i.e. Hope you are enjoying your Summer?

A No, you would not capitalize the word summer in a sentence, as in "your summer", although, you would capitalize the word summer when referring to a particular summer, such as the "Summer of '68." When referring to the Fall or the Spring, you would capitalize the word.

Codes + Conduct: Caps
Q Hello. Can you please tell me why it is considered impolite by many traditionalists to wear a baseball cap to the side or backwards? Thank you.

A A gentleman takes his hat off when he enters a private home. The purpose of the hat and the cap is to protect the top of the head from the sun, rain and snow. Men who are insecure about their receding hairline often wear baseball caps until they come to grips with the fact that it is a natural occurrence. Just the way gangs have colors, guys will go with a group that wears their cap on one side of the other or backwards.

Codes + Conduct: Catholic Baptism
Q I was chosen to be a godparent for a Catholic baptism. What are the items I am responsible to purchase?

A You might give the baby gift to commemorate the birth of the child, for instance a Tiffany & Company silver baby cup with the baby's name and date of birth engraved on the side; a silver picture frame, which might eventually display a christening photo, is also appropriate.

Codes + Conduct: Cellphone Etiquette
Q What is good cellphone etiquette?

A Always take your calls in private. Turn off cellphones at social gatherings, in meetings, at work, and on a date. If you must answer it, speak softly, but only long enough to say that you will call back. If it is important and you must use your cellphone, text message.

Codes + Conduct: Changing Names
Q I'm changing my name following a recent divorce. How should I alert my friends and business colleagues of my name change?

A If you are also changing your address, you might send out a chic "change of address card" with your new address, phone numbers, and e-mail address with the name which you wish to be addressed at the top. On the back of the envelope, print your new name and address. If you are not changing your address, you might have to wait until the holidays and send out cards with the new information, or have a party for a friend and send out invitations. Whatever you decide to do, order some fine stationery with your new name and start using it for thank-you notes and condolences; by word of mouth, the word will get out.

Codes + Conduct: Charity Fundraiser: Thank-You Note
Q What is the proper thank-you for a charity fundraiser (fire relief)? Are you supposed to send a formal thank-you to each person who helped you during your time of need?

A Yes, you can send one formal thank-you letter to every one who helped, but you would personalize the salutation. If you know the person by first name, the salutation would be Dear Didi, and not Dear Ms. Lorillard. At the bottom of the letter, you would sign your name, the name that they know you as. By giving the personal touch, you show that you have taken the time to make sure that their name is as you would call them. For instance, my given name is Edith and it is on my check, so if you knew me as Didi, and called me as such, but the salutation said Dear Edith, I would know that the thank-you note had been generated because it lacked the personal touch. Another touch you might add, would be to write a short sentence under your signature, such as: Didi, you made our fundraiser happen. Many thanks,
Hank.

Codes + Conduct: Charity Thank-You Note
Q Thank-you note for a donation for charity?

A You would write the note on behalf of the board of directors and the recipients of the charity. You would say that you greatly appreciate the generous donation and you would list the amount. You would say (insert the name of the organization and amount), "The Daughters of the Cincinnati gratefully acknowledge your gift of one hundred dollars. Your gift is tax deductible to the full extend allowed by law." I would have to know more about the person to whom you are writing, the amount of the donation, and the nature of the charity in order for me to give you the precise letter that you are looking for.

Codes + Conduct: Cheating on the Check-Out Line
Q Is it proper etiquette for a woman to continue to shop while her husband stands in the checkout line? My wife never stops shopping until she leaves the store. Often I will stand in line with none of her merchandise or money only to save her space. I think this is rude behavior but she gets angry when I tell her it is wrong.

A Is it proper etiquette, no, not really; however, people do it all the time. The husband has the choice of standing in line and getting out faster or helping his wife gather the goods. If your wife's behavior annoys you, tell her to give you the list because you are going to gather the goods while she stands in line, and see what happens. She might change her stance after being the recipient of disapproving glances.

Codes + Conduct: Cheeks Kissing
Q Should we kiss both cheeks when greeting English, Irish and Scottish? Any difference in number of kiss(es)? And mostly very confusing...which side should we kiss first? How can we tell?

A It would depend upon your relationship with the person you are greeting. Kissing etiquette is swiftly changing because of the phobias about germs. Air kissing is far more trendy. If you must kiss someone twice, start on the left cheek and move to the right, if they are seemingly receptive. If they lean back, take your cue and back off. A bright smile, welcoming words and, perhaps, a hug are far more common these days on both sides of the pond.

Codes + Conduct: Chewing Gum
Q Is it polite to chew gum in public?

A The only time chewing gum is acceptable is during an airplane flight when chewing gum can alleviate pressure in the ears.

Codes + Conduct: Children + Restaurants
Q I have a question regarding children and restaurants. I was under the impression that if there is NO children's menu then children are not welcome at the restaurant and therefore it is inappropriate to take them. Is this correct or incorrect and if you have additional information that would be great?!

A It depends upon the age of the child and the level of maturity of the child. Some children do very well in restaurants; those who cannot sit still, for instance, do not. In many restaurants, it would be difficult to know until you were actually seated at the table with a menu, if there are child-size portions. The trick with children is to take them to good restaurants early in the evening so that they are not too tired and too hungry; as restaurants fill up the noise can become overstimulating. A general rule is that if the restaurant has table cloths, cloth napkins, fresh flowers on the table, votive candles and spiffy waiters, it is probably not an appropriate restaurant for children under the age of ten. Although, it is a bit of a Catch 22, if children start dining in nice restaurants at an early age, they learn to feel comfortable with the dining experience and you can probably take those ten years anywhere. However, if you take a ten-year-old into a sophisticated restaurant for the first time and expect him to behave like a grown-up, he might feel self-conscious and his behavior might be disappointing. Unfortunately, more often than not, parents take children to restaurants that serve alcohol because they can't get a drink at places like Burger King.

Codes + Conduct: Children Etiquette: Restaurants
Q I would like some advice on dining out with the family. Mainly, what is the best way to keep from disturbing other diners when you bring kids to a restaurant?

A When choosing a restaurant to take your kids to, be sure that it is kid friendly with highchairs and something on the menu that they can eat. When making a reservation, say that you have kids so that you won't be seated in the busiest part of the restaurant. Choose a restaurant that won't be over stimulating, say, in terms of very loud music or very low lighting (eerie). Be sure that you bring something for them to gnaw on while waiting for their food, such as a teething biscuit or carrots. It is best to take a blank notebook and pencil so the child can draw, or if he is older, play Tic-Tac-Toe or Hangman; or bring a game boy. Stay away from toys with lots of pieces and parts. Order something right away. Prior to entering the restaurant, you would talk about why in restaurants we use "inside voices." If the child fusses, it means he might be overstimulated so, you would take him to the restroom or outside until he or she regains self-control. Have a real conversation and use the restaurant as a classroom for teaching them what various foods on the menu are and how they are pronounced; have a guessing game while you are eating about how the foods are spelled. Talk about how bread and butter are made and the purpose of each utensil, as well as good manners. For instance, "We do not put our elbows on the table because if everyone put their elbows on the table the table would be too crowded and milk glasses might turn over." If you give them the logic, they will learn.

Codes + Conduct: Choosing a Gift
Q What kind of birthday present can I give someone I'm meeting for the first time?

A It would depend upon the occasion, the relationship, and your budget. If you click on Frequently Asked Questions at the top of the page and then scroll down to Token Gifts, you will find a great list.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Etiquette
Q Do you need to give a gift when you are attending a christening?

A No, you do not need to give a gift if you are just attending a christening. However, if you are also attending, say, the luncheon afterwards, you would send a gift for the child.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gift
Q My boyfriend of 5 months and I are going to a christening reception for my brother's twins....I always enclosed money with a card; should my boyfriend contribute as well?

A If you are in a committed relationship, he might want the option of contributing money and signing the card. However, if the relationship has not developed to that stage, you have no right to expect him to contribute.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gift
Q What is an appropriate dollar amount for a baby's christening gift?

A It would depend upon how well you know the parent(s) and how much you can afford. Nowadays, parents will often register for baby gifts so that they are assured of getting what they need for their new baby. Why not ask the parent if they registered anywhere for baby gifts, then go to the Web site and find a gift that you like and that you can afford? That way you'll know that the parents are getting what they need.

Of course, if you are a God parent or close friend, you might want to send a personalized gift from, say, Tiffany & Company. Traditionally silver teething rings, silver cups, and silver frames are gifts that last a lifetime.

Christening gifts typically cost anywhere from $25. to $250. However, it is often the thoughtfulness of the gift that is what is appreciated. For instance, for a totally original and whimsical gifts, you might want to go on-line to www.thebirthdayboat.com where you will find charming artwork matted and framed that you can have personalized with the baby's name and date of birth for under $100.

The question you might want to ask yourself is this: Do I want to give a practical gift or a gift that will last a lifetime.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gifts
Q How do I ask for cash on the invite instead of gift for my baby's christening?

A You are not going to like my answer. The christening of a baby is a deeply religious ceremony. It is not a call for booty. If you cannot afford to give the church a donation for the christening, then you might ask your guests to put money in the plate when it is passed during the church service instead of bringing the baby a gift.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Present Etiquette
Q Our friends' son is being christened this weekend. Is it proper to bring a gift to the celebration afterwards?

A Yes, if you would like to bring the baby a christening present, by all means do so. However, if you are not a godparent, you might only bring the child a children's book for his library, as a godparent might be giving the monogrammed silver baby cup or frame.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Dress Code: Godmother
Q I was asked to be the Godmother to my best friend's child, the baptism will be held in late October. I was thinking to wear a long sleeve dress and maybe some knee high boots? I want to be covered up in case it is cold?? Any suggestions??

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear knee high boots in October unless the temperature is near freezing. Wear comfortable shoes because you will be standing while holding the baby. Which brings me to the fact that if you are wearing a dress that you care about, take a linen hand towel to lay across your shoulder to absorb any liquid that the baby might let loose.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Gifts
Q My best friend is baptising her new baby. Do I bring a gift?

A You wouldn't necessarily take a gift to the church because it might be difficult for the new mother to juggle the baby with what to do about getting the gifts home. If there is a luncheon or celebation after the ceremony, you could give her the gift for the baby then or you can have it sent to her from the store. Traditionally, you would send the baby a silver baby cup with his or her name engraved on the side. Whatever you give is meant to be a keepsake. My 28- year-old daughter still has the tiny pearl bracelet that my best friend gave her when she was christened. If she ever has a daughter or granddaughter, she can pass that bracelet on to her. There are numerous other gifts from classic children's books to stocks or bonds that are customarily given to a baby at his or her christening.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Tipping the Priest
Q Is it customary to tip a priest at a Catholic baptism and, if so, who should do the tipping?

A The parents of the baby are the ones who (I assume) made the plans for the ceremony and would give a 'gratuity' in the form of money as a 'thank you' for the extra special time he spent for the Christening. The amount is discretionary depending on the parents' income and circumstances. A check would be made out to the priest or to the parish, which might possibly be tax deductible.

Codes + Conduct: Christenting Gift Etiquette
Q Hello, my question concerns the proper etiquette when invited to a christening that you will not attend. Is it bad etiquette not to send a gift?

A If you do not attend the christening, then you are not required to send a gift. However, in order to sustain the relationship, you might at least send a handwritten, heartfelt note thanking the person for including you; even a christening card will do. For a personalized christening gift for under a hundred dollars, you might want to check out Newport's popular www.thebirthdayboat.com.

Codes + Conduct: Christmakkah
Q This question has plagued me over the years. Is it acceptable for us to celebrate Christmas? Should we? Could we? I am a divorced mother of two children. My ex-husband is Christian and celebrated Christmas with a tree and an exchange of presents. He brings my kids to his sister's home every year for Christmas dinner and an exchange of gifts. I am Jewish, but I am not religious and was not brought up with any knowledge of my religion. I say I'm Jewish because my parents were. As a child, we celebrated Hanukkah. Every year, I have to hear the same thing from my kids: "Can't we have a tree?" It kills me to see many homes decorated for the holidays and ours is bare (except for a menorah). I had a Jewish friend who forbade me to celebrate anything but Hanukkah. Is there some kind of compromise here? Maybe some kind of Christmakkah? Does Christmas have to be a religious holiday? Thank you, I'm sure this question comes up often.


A You answered your own question. Etiquette is about compromise, as well as compassion and consideration. Families need to create their own traditions and celebrate holidays in a way that makes everyone in the family happy. Turkey is not just for Christians. Why not find out something about Christmas that each member of the family likes about Christmas and incorporate that into your family's Christmas and even include the same number of symbols from the Jewish religion. What makes family celebrations special, is the people who celebrate them.

Codes + Conduct: Christmas Card Signage
Q What is the proper way to sign the family Christmas card?

A If the card is a photo of the family, you would have the names in the order the family members appear from left to right. If the photos are just of the kids, under the greeting you would put the parents' names Caroline and Charles Dickens and then underneath that the names of the parents from left to right as they appear in the photos. If there is no photo, you would put the children's names according to ages after the parents'. You might write, Best wishes from the Brown's, and then list the family members.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Applying Lipstick in Church
Q A friend of mine applies lipstick while sitting in church - is this o k ?

A If your friend applies her lipstick in a discreet fashion, it is fine. However, if she brings out her compact to see what she is doing as she applies lip liner, lipstick, and lip gloss and then blots, she might be calling attention to herself. I am a big fan of a colored lipgloss that I can whip out and have back in my bag swiftly without anyone noticing.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Baptism + First Communion Gifts
Q What kind of gifts do you give for a first communion or baptism?

A Traditonally, the sterling silver baby cup with the child's given name engraved on and around the side of the cup is the favored gift for a Christening. Also, popular is an engraved silver picture frame and teething ring, china cup and saucer set in a child motif. If you really want to be imaginative, you can start a wine cellar or a college fund for the child. Heirloom as well as new baby jewelry is also very popular for girls. If you check out the Tiffany & Company and Cartier Web sites, you will find lots of good ideas.

For a first communion, you might give the child a gift certificate for the local book store, jewelry, a bible, or an amusement park voucher. Traditionally, the first communion present for a girl is a small gold cross on a gold chain or a gold cross charm for her charm bracelet.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Baptism Gifts
Q Gift for a baptism?

A Traditionally, the gift for baptism is a silver cup, spoon, teething ring or picture frame engraved with the baby's initials or name, and often the date, or a piece of baby jewelry, such as a small gold cross on a chain or a bracelet.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Catholic Baptism
Q What is the proper etiquette for a Jewish godmother attending the baptism at the Catholic church? Please advise.

A The parent will give you the baby to hold at the start of the baptismal ceremony while the priest blesses the baby. The priest might take the baby from you to baptize or, if he is elderly, he might baptize the baby with holy water while you hold the baby. During the ceremony you will most likely be given a Prayer book opened to the baptismal ceremony and along with other godparents you would say your lines taking your cues from the priest. If you are the one holding the baby, the other godparent might hold the Prayer book for you so that you can read your lines together. I am a little confused by the wording of your question. After the service, you might be invited to lunch either at the baby's parent's home or at a restaurant. You might give the baby a gift of a silver cup, spoon, or frame, often engraved with the child's name and the date commemorating the sacrament. Alternatively, you could give a savings bond towards college or a piece of jewelry. You would dress appropriately in a well-cut skirt suit and low heeled shoes. This is a very general answer because different churches tend to handle the ceremony slightly differently, but you will be briefed on the procedure before the ceremony. If there are two godmother's, you might share holding the baby. If there is a godfather, it would be less likely that he would hold the baby. As you will probably be holding the baby at some point, you would not want to be wearing anything that might feel scratchy to the baby, or fur that the baby might be allergic to, and you definitely would not wear perfume because between your perfume and the incense, the scent might be too strong for a very young baby. It goes without saying that you would arrive at the church well ahead of the ceremony for your instructions. As several babies might be being baptized during the same ceremony, you would want to connect with the other godparents so that you work in tandem.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Catholic Christening Gifts
Q We come from a Catholic family and we are having our baby's christening this weekend. What type of gift or thank-you do we give to our baby's godparents? I have received mixed messages. Is there such a thing as christening etiquette?

A You do not give the godparents anything; however, you might invite them for a nice lunch after the christening. The godparents give the significant gift and then any other gifts are simply what anyone wants to give.

Codes + Conduct: Clanking Your Spoon Against Your Teeth
Q Is it all right manners to clank the spoon against your teeth when eating?

A Please, whatever you do, do not clank the spoon against your teeth when eating. It is as annoying as the sound of a spoon scrapping the bowl or plate.

Codes + Conduct: Class Reunion
Q If you graduated at a different school than the one you first attended, can you go to the class reunion without an invite?

A By all means, if you want to go to the class reunion at your old school you will be welcomed by the alumni/ae office; however, you need to email or telephone the alumni/ae office ahead of time to make sure your name is listed at the door and that a name tag is prepared for you. There might also be a small fee to cover the expense of the event.

Codes + Conduct: Close-Ended Questions
Q When and how do you use close-ended questions?

A When you are looking for specific information. For instance, directions to a gas station.

Codes + Conduct: Club Etiquette: Becoming a New Member
Q How to write a thank-you for supporting my (successful) nomination for membership in a private club?

A In most private clubs, being nominated is a part of the process and you do not become a member until the board of governors or the membership committee votes on your nomination. Once you receive the official word that you have been voted in, either through a letter or a bill for your fees, then you can consider yourself a member. In many clubs the body of the members are stockholders or they have paid an admittance fee, and then there are subscribers. The subscribers are invited to renew their subscription every year until they are invited to purchase stock. Whether you are a new stockholder, member, or subscriber, you would write to the person who proposed you, as well as to all those who wrote supporting letters, thanking them for putting your name up for membership. Members like to know that new members appreciate what their club has to offer and that they will be taking advantage of the facilities. Try to be specific and say that you are looking forward to playing tennis followed by a nice swim. Or that you hope to hold your daughter's wedding at the club or entertain at business luncheons. The more you use the club, the more revenue is generated, which helps to keep the dues down, so be sure that she/he knows that you greatly appreciate the facilities of the club, as well as the camaraderie. It is also customary to invite those who have written letters on your behalf to lunch or dinner at the club in appreciation for their effort. Be sure to read the club's by-laws. However, there is one rule that might not be in there: do not visit the club until you have verification that your nomination has been approved. It is considered a huge faux pas to visit a club during the nominating process, so wait until you are notified that you are, in fact, a member.

Codes + Conduct: Club Etiquette: Clubland Dress Code
Q Our family belongs to a dining club in a resort town much like Newport. This past summer our daughter, who was home on vacation from college, met us for dinner at our dining club. When she arrived the maitre'd told her that she could not join us for dinner unless she changed her clothes. Our daughter, who is drop dead gorgeous, was wearing a Prado miniskirt and shirt that revealed too much of her flesh, they said. We protested saying that it was summer, that she was wearing designer clothes from head to toe, and that furthermore if they opened any magazine they would see that she was wearing what other young women were wearing. Luckily, a nice young waitress overhearing the berating offered to loan our daughter the clothes she had come to work in before changing into her uniform. My daughter graciously accepted and we dined with our large extended family in humiliation. Shouldn't our club get with the times?

A The reason your family belongs to a private club of this nature is because your dining club provides the timeless assurance of a world where boundaries are upheld. The first club rule is: never offend another member. It was the job of the maitre'd to use his discretion as to whether your daughter's dress was appropriate. All private clubs have dress codes and the staff assumes that if you are a member, you have grown up knowing the dress code. I am sorry your daughter was humiliated but there is no reason to make a bigger deal out of this than has already been made. Personally I don't know any private clubs that allow guests or members to wear denim, even if the designer is Prado.

Codes + Conduct: Club Etiquette: Reference Letter
Q To whom should I address a reference letter for a membership in a club? I am writing the letter to ""The Committee on Admissions."

A The best thing to do is to call up the club and ask to speak to someone who can tell you about membership admission. Ask the person to whom your letter of recommendation should be addressed. Usually the club Secretary is in charge of admissions, and the letter would be addressed to him or her in care of the club. A very large club would have an admissions committee that is chaired and in that case you would address the letter to the chairperson, and also send the letter to the club's address. When writing a letter of recommendation, it is always best to get the name of the person who will be conducting the friend's admission into the club and address the letter to him or her in care of the club.

Codes + Conduct: Congratulating Young Men
Q What do you give a young man on closing day of his play?

A A handshake and a heartfelt congratulations.

Codes + Conduct: Congratulations
Q What is the correct way to congratulate a newly expecting couple? I had heard that you congratulate the father but wish the mother best of luck. Is that correct?

A Nowadays, "congratulations" is the acceptable form acknowledging a new member of the family.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking a Lady Her Age
Q Hello, I have an etiquette question concerning age. I was raised in the South by a strict etiquette code which I am very thankful for. I now live in Columbia, Mo., where etiquette seems to have fallen by the wayside, so to speak. I am thirty-nine years old and am asked very frequently how old I am. It continues to shock me. I was always told that one should never ask a lady (in a social setting) her age or weight. Do you have any suggestions concerning how to handle this? Also, could you confirm that this kind of question is inappropriate? Thank you, Sian Mazet Holt

A It is never appropriate to put anyone on the spot, and that includes asking a man or woman his or her age. Nowadays, more and more, women in general are feeling more secure about going into the older years. Many are even so proud that they feel secure enough to answer, "I was born in 1953," and let the questioning person figure it out. These days the issue of asking a woman her age is less about manners and more about a woman feeling good about herself. I will often reply to that age old question with, "Why do you want to know?" When you answer a silly question with an honest question, the asker usually backs off in embarrassment.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking Someone's Age
Q Is it ever acceptable to ask someone's age (male or female?) thank you! suz

A It would depend. If you are seriously contemplating a committed relationship, you might ask because age just might matter, if there was a great difference and that difference might be an issue.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking Women Their Age
Q Is it ever proper for a man to ask a woman's age? My pet peeve is on birthdays, I feel it is rude to ask a lady's age.

A It is not polite to ask a woman her age. If she wants people to know her age, she will tell them.

Codes + Conduct: Correct Way to Eat
Q What is the correct way of holding a knife and fork while cutting and then how to hold fork while transferring food to mouth after cutting?


A If you are right handed, you would stabilize the piece of meat with the bowl of your fork tongs pointed down. With your right hand you would gently saw off one or two bite size pieces of meat. You would then lay down your knife across the top of your plate and shift the fork into your right hand before taking a bite of the meat. If you need a pusher to nudge the meat gently on to the fork, you can use a bit of roll or bread or by using your knife in your left hand.

Codes + Conduct: Correct Way to Use Knife + Fork
Q I would like to know the correct way to use a knife and fork.

A If you are right-handed, then you would eat with your right hand. Between bites you would place the fork on the plate while you chewed your food or talked. You would not keep your fork in the air waving it like a flag. To cut your meat, you would shift the fork to the left hand, prongs down, you would gently stab the meat to keep it stable while you saw the meat with the knife in your right hand. Leave the knife on the plate and shift the fork back to right hand and gently stab the piece that was cut and put it in your mouth. If you need help putting food on to your fork, with fork in the right hand and pusher, either a knife or a piece of bread or toast, in your left hand and, again, gently push the food with the pusher onto the fork. Rest both the fork and the pusher on your plate while you chew the food.

Codes + Conduct: Country Club Etiquette: Staff Hygiene
Q At our private beach club, I often find myself in the "cloak room" with staff members who work behind the counter in the lunch room or make sandwiches in the grille and I am always horrified that they don't wash their hands after using the stall before heading back to the kitchen. Our board of governors is all male and I am not sure how to raise this "cloak room" issue with them as on the whole they are a rather stodgy group of men most of whom I've known all my life. Needless to say, I am reluctant to talk bathroom etiquette with any of them.

Once I actually asked one of the young women to please wash her hands before going back to the lunch room, but she refused. When I asked why, she said that the water in the sink was too hot. How can I get the Staff Must Wash Hands sign reinstated and have the club manager school these young people in elementary hygiene?

A Find a wife or daughter of a governor who is sympathetic and give her a graphic ear-full. Say that at the very least the sign saying that "Employees Must Wash Their Hands" should be reinstated and, furthermore, that "rules of hygiene" should be discussed at staff meetings. Add that even though the staff is required to wear food handling gloves, they taint the gloves just by handling them when they take them out of the box. They have to wash their hands first, repeat "have." Once you give your confidante an ear-full, your images will haunt her. Should your request go unheeded, make your own signs and post them in the stalls and over the sinks until word gets out to the manager and the governors that the concern about health is a problem.

Codes + Conduct: Country Club Formal Dinner
Q I am attending a very formal dinner at a country club and was told the ladies wear evening gowns. What do you suggest I wear? I have a long, black dress with spaghetti straps and loose rippled like neck or a long, dark blueish dress with a high waist and the top of the dress has a few clear sequins on it (not enough to make it look gaudy). What kind of shoes should I wear, open toe high heels? Should I use a scarf in case it is chilly? The event will be next Sunday in Roanoke, VA.

A In my opinion, what you wear depends upon your age, build and the formality of the event. For instance, if the party is a ball, then you would wear the modern equivalent of a ball gown, which is a long dressy evening gown. either of your two dresses that you are trying to decide between. However, a black tie formal dinner at a country club usually means a short dressy dress that falls just below the knees. I personally feel that long dresses make women over a certain age look dowdy and that most women look best in a shortish dress or dressy dinner skirt suit. If there is a standing cocktail hour and dancing, you will want to wear dressy, comfortable shoes, either open toed, sling back, or both. At this time of year, black satin would work with either dress and be comfortable. If the dinner is white tie, then wear the black dress, only because I am not sure about the sequins. There are sequins and there are sequins. If you know a woman your age who is attending, then ask her if she is wearing a long or short dress. Personally, if it is not a white tie party, I would wear a chic short dress and some of my best jewelry concentrating more on the quality of the dress and jewelry then whether the dress is short or long. Short is safer, but check with a club member or your hostess. I am sorry for the vague answer, but not knowing the facts it is hard to tell you what to wear to fit in. When attending another person's club, you would not overdress, unless the club was in a big city such as Houston or New York City. Let's put it this way, you don't want to be overdressed.

Codes + Conduct: Couples Signing Cards
Q What is the proper procedure when signing cards and letters? I am married. I write Geri and Bruce White. My husband insists it should be Bruce and Geri. Who is right? Thanks!

A You are both right. It depends upon the person to whom you are addressing the card. If the person is an old friend, relative, or colleague of your husband, you would write his name first. If it is a relationship through you, it would be signed "Geri and Bruce White." However, don't forget to put a line through "White" or put "White" in parenthesis if the person knows you well.

Codes + Conduct: Courtesy Call
Q What is a courtesy call?


A In business, a courtesy call might be a purveyor dropping by to wish the new owner success and to see if he can be of "assistance." For instance, sales people in department stores, who you have bought from in the past, will call from time to time to say they are having a special on this or that and it is a courtesy call to let the customer know. Nowadays, people don't make calls socially because we use the telephone, email and text messaging to communicate, so a courtesy call today would most likely be to a new neighbor to welcome them to the neighborhood, or to an infirm elderly person in a nursing home, or to a friend in the hospital. As a matter of consideration, it is best to call ahead to be sure the person you wish to see is up to the visit.

Codes + Conduct: Cowboy Etiquette
Q What does a cowboy do with his hat when greeting ladies, escorting them to and from a seat at a table, helping with their chair and sitting at the table with them for a meal?

A A cowboy takes off his hat with his left hand and lowers that hand to his side waiting for the lady to put out her hand. When he sees her hand, he extends his right hand thumb up and shakes it briefly, firmly, but not tightly. I am assuming that he would leave his hat at the door with the coat check. That way his hands are free to pull out her chair, if the waiter hasn't already done so. If there is no coat check, he would place his hat under his seat after pulling out the lady's chair.

Codes + Conduct: Crossed-Eyed Conversations
Q What is the proper etiquette for eye contact when talking to a cross-eyed person?


A While talking to cross-eyed people, focus on their chin. They won't realize that you are looking at their chin and not their eyes, and you will be way more comfortable.

Codes + Conduct: Daily Etiquette
Q What are the daily etiquette manners to follow?

A I would be happy to ask specific questions on etiquette and manners; however, you will have to return to my Web site and ask them individually. For instance, are you interested in how to set a table? How to answer a phone? How to write a thank-you note? Manners and etiquette are based on consideration, compassion and compromise. If you are interested in learning about introductions and greetings, you are welcome to read the first chapter of my book which begins on the Home page. If you would like to read the Dos and Don'ts of good Etiquette, you are welcome to click on the "Dos" and the "Don'ts." If you click on "Frequently Asked Questions and Answers," you will discover a wealth of information about Codes of Conduct, Relationships, Entertaining, and Wedding Etiquette. I would be happy to answer specific questions, if you enter them separately in the question box.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Codes + Conduct: Dating Etiquette
Q After you have agreed to meet someone, then they cancel, what is my obligation to reschedule?

A You are not obligated to reschedule. Obviously it would depend upon the situation: if it is the kind of date where you are checking someone out to see if he or she is a prospective lover, or if it is a business date. The old baseball adage three strikes and you're out is a good try.

Codes + Conduct: Dating Etiquette: Commited Relationships
Q What is the etiquette for a guy to ask a girl to be his girlfriend?
Ring?

A You don't need a ring to solidify a relationship. However, you do need a sign of commitment that says that you are both on the same page as to how you feel about each other. It is called "The Talk." You talk about wanting the relationship to go in the direction of being a "committed relationship." In a committed relationship the guy doesn't go out with other gals and she doesn't go out with other guys. You both agree that you are making a commitment to take the relationship to a higher and deeper level. If either the man or the woman isn't ready to be in a committed relationships, that means that person is still looking around for the perfect partner. If both agree to be in a committed relationship, it means that they are not interested in dating anyone else and that they mutually agree only to date each other. In other words, if you and your partner agree to be in a committed relationship, you would resign from such dating services as match.com. If the person is still showing his or her profile on a match.com type Web site, he or she is still looking for that perfect partner.

Codes + Conduct: Dealing with Ethnic Language
Q When one goes into an elevator and you find people of other ethnicity speaking in their language, is it rude of them not to talk in English among themselves because an English speaking person just got into the elevator?

A Nowadays, you will hear lots of different languages in elevators, restaurants, buses. Good manners are about compassion and consideration; they were having a conversation and you were the interloper.

Codes + Conduct: Dealing with Table Refuse
Q When dining at a restaurant and coffee is served without a saucer, where does a used spoon belong? Also if the sugar is in packets, where does one deposit the used packets? To complicate matters, when dining "al fresco", paper napkins on one's lap and refuse on the table can just blow away.

I'd like your advice on what to do with items like sugar packets and butter wrappers and the like. All the texts I find are for formal situations and do not mention how to handle this clutter.

A If their is no saucer or plate, leave the empty packets neatly on the side of the place setting. Often I will tuck the litter under the coffee mug or stuff the mug with the waste matter so that it does not blow away. I think it makes it difficult for the server to have to dig out the paper napkin and empty packets, but at least he doesn't have to pick up the litter from the floor. The butter wrapper can be tucked under the side of the plate and then placed on to the plate after you are through eating. The point that I am trying to make is that you would be tidy with your litter but also make it easy for the server not to forget to take the rubbish with the china.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Charity Balls
Q As guests of a first cousin at an international debutante ball wherein two of her daughters will be introduced to society, is it expected that my wife and I would give each of her daughters a gift of some kind, and if so, in what form and of what value?

A No, you are not required to give gifts to the debs, or your cousin, for inviting you and your wife to the International Ball. Being invited to a charity debutante ball is a social bid, best reciprocated by inviting your cousin to another social event, whether it is a charity event, or dinner in your home. As part of the cost of coming out at the ball, the debs' parents have to buy a table of twelve seats. You and your wife have been invited to fill two of those seats. Yes, of course, you can send a gift; however, you are not required to do so because the money is raised for a particular charity. If you choose to do so, you might send your first cousin flowers after the holiday thanking her for including you both. If, say, you were invited to one of the more exclusive debutante balls that you cannot buy your way into, then you would most definitely send flowers and a separate thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Etiquette: Escort Gift
Q What is the proper gift for the male escort to give a debutante with flowers and what do you say on the card, Congratulations?

A You would not send a debutante flowers because debutante balls have a set formula for the flowers that she carries. So: all bouquets are usually ordered from the same florist ahead of time and the florist is under strict instructions from the committee. That way one debutante's flowers are not more grossly extravagant than the others. A gift is not expected; however, the escort is expected to write to the debutante's parents to thank them for the evening. Escorts do give gifts such as jewelry, but, to be quite honest, after the escort has rented his outfit and paid for their nightclub bill at the after-party, that is all that is expected. The escort will need cash because the after-parties can be expensive and the debutante understands this. The card, if the escort does decide to give her a piece of jewelry, would not say "Congratulations" because she has not accomplished anything such as a degree or promotion; she has merely stepped out into society because it is her birthright. Coming out at a debutante ball is not so much an accomplishment, as it is a stroke of luck.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Protocol
Q I'm at a loss with this whole Debutante affair; where can I get help with the whole protocol of the events?

A What exactly do you need to know? As a mother of two recent debutantes, and a debutante myself, I consider myself somewhat of an authority. If you would like to email me directly telling me whether you are the parent, the debutante, the escort, or, say, a guest of the family, I would be happy to give you information on protocol and dress code, as well as how to become a part of a debutante ball.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante: Gift: Signing the Card
Q How do you sign a card when giving a debutante a gift?

A "To the debutante of the evening, you stole the show," or, "To the belle of the ball." Then sign your name, after a closure of "All my best," "With love," or "All my best wishes." What you write depends upon your relationship with the deb. A godfather might sign off with "Affectionately, your Godfather, George." An escort might say, "Much love, Winston."

Codes + Conduct: Declining an RSVP
Q How do I decline an rsvp?


A As soon as you know that you are unable to attend, you would pick up the telephone and tell the person that you are unable to attend. If there is a response card, then you would check "regrets," or "unable to attend." If there is no response card, telephone or cellphone number, or email address, then you would send a short message to the address on the envelope that carried your invitation. If the host is a close friend, you might write a short, handwritten, heartfelt note saying, something such as this, "Sadly, Henry and I will be away that weekend and unable to attend your splendid event. We hope to see you later in the summer."

For a formal invitation with no card, you would say (substituting your own information and centering the lines on your best and smallest social note paper or card):

Mr. William Randolph Shakespeare
regrets the kind invitation of
Saturday, August 10th

Codes + Conduct: Dietary Restrictions
Q Accepting or declining dinner invitation when you have dietary restrictions?


A At the top this page, click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Entertaining: Fussy Eaters, to read my answer to a similar question.

Be upfront with your host and briefly explain your dietary restrictions. Offer to eat before you arrive. Ask the host what he is serving and tell him which dishes you will be able to eat. A good host will make you feel comfortable and try to accomodate you with something to nibble on, if you meet him half way and eat at home first.

You will have to learn to live with these restrictions, so you need to work out a way to have a social life and stay well, too.

Codes + Conduct: Difference Between Etiquette + Manners
Q Are manners the same as etiquette and if not what's the difference?

A Manners are the application of etiquette. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. Manners are the way etiquette is carried out; for instance, holding the door open for people entering your health club behind you is considerate and compassionate and when they take the door from you there is a compromise.

Codes + Conduct: Dining Etiquette: Posture
Q When dining, either at home or in a restaurant, what is the proper etiquette for placing the food from the plate to the mouth. proper posture in chair...?

A Feet are flat on the floor. The backside is flat against the back of the chair and shoulders are pulled back. Never lean over towards the plate. Bring the food to your mouth, not your mouth to the plate.

Codes + Conduct: Dining with Crossed Legs
Q When and how do you cross your legs while dining?

A It is difficult for most to cross their legs under a dinner table and, if you were dining buffet style eating with the plate on your lap, your dinner might lap over on to your clothing if your legs were crossed. For most, it might be awkward to dine with legs crossed.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Partners With Bad Manners
Q I had a gentleman who sat next to me at a black-tie event. The appetizer was smoked salmon slices. The gentleman proceeded to take his roll and make a sandwich out of the salmon. I believe this is incorrect. At a dinner party, when the smoked salmon is served in this manner, it should not be made into a sandwich. Am I correct? Thank you.

A Thank you for asking your question again. I am concerned that you did not get your answer after you asked it and that you had to ask it again. We are still working on the update of our the website and we appreciate your patience, but I did answer this question at least a week ago and I am concerned that you did not receive it.

My answer at that time was basically this: If the guy is hungry and needs to eat, cut him some slack. If he's been at a party with lots to drink and the canapes are scarce, he, no doubt, needs to eat. Etiquette is all about consideration, compassion and kindness. In my opinion, a guy or gal who eats, even if it is what is available, is at least safeguarding him or herself from getting any drunker than they want to be. Respect the guy; look at the big picture.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Plate Monogram
Q Dinner plate monogramming etiquette


A Monograms are hugely personal. You would need to ask the recipient how she/he would like the monogram. Traditionally, it is the first initials of the woman's given, married and maiden name, in that order, often with the first initial of the married name larger and in the center. Nowadays, some couples get very creative and intertwine the first initial of their given names with the first initial of the married last name. Monograms are one of those fun things that couples work out that represent their lifestyle.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Table Sneezes
Q Is it considered rude and bad manners to blow one's nose at the table? It seems everywhere I go to eat, people blow their noses in the middle of the meal. It is the most disgusting thing you can do while eating.

A It is incredibly rude to blow one's nose at the table. However, cut your friends some slack because some sneezes are controllable and others cannot be stopped. A runaway sneeze happens as often as not.

Codes + Conduct: Disallowing Overnight Guests
Q My sister-in-law just moved in with my husband and me a week ago...my husband told her up-front that she is not to have male overnight houseguests; she just keeps asking me if her friend can stay overnight we keep telling her No! now she won't speak to either one of us in our home. What do we do?

A It was wise of you to set boundaries of behavior. However, if she is paying rent she might keep demanding that she be allowed to have guests stay over. If you have children, you can use the children in your reasoning by saying that she would not be a good role model for your children if she had men stay over. You have set your boundaries and you need to stick to them. At some point she might wear you down and then you might feel the need to compromise; do so by saying: Under one condition, he is not at the breakfast table in the morning. Or, he is gone before you and your husband get up. If the sister-in-law cannot respect your boundaries, you will have to ask her to find another place to live. The problem with letting up on the boundaries is that once you ease up and let men stay over, the next thing will be that she will be pushing them to stay over on weekdays. Or there will always be some lame excuse as to why he is in the bathroom when you're trying to get ready for work. Perhaps, the best solution is to tell her than when she has been dating the same man for, say, three months, then he can stay over. Explain that you just don't want her taken advantage of because she has a warm bed.

Codes + Conduct: Divorce Etiquette: Woman's Name
Q How to address a divorced lady with kids?

A When a women is divorced, she chooses the name that she wants to use. If she has children, she will usually use her children's last name. At her discretion, she can decide if she would like to use her given first name and her maiden last name with her current last name, or if she wishes, she may use the first initial of her given name and her full maiden name with her married last name. If her maiden name is, say, Charlotte Pratt Winslow, and her married last name is Smith, her divorced name might be Mrs. C. Winslow Smith, Mrs. C. W. Smith, Mrs. Charlotte P. W. Smith, Mrs. Charlotte Winslow Smith, or just Mrs. Charlotte Smith. She doesn't have to be called Mrs.; many women choose to be called Ms., whether they are married or divorced.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Address Suicide in a Condolence Letter
Q In a letter of condolence to a friend's parents, how should I address the friend's suicide?

A I do not think it is necessary to bring up your friend's suicide in a letter of condolence. Suicide is a difficult situation but it is not just about what has happened; it also involves deep emotion. Bringing up suicide might make the parents feel vulnerable; it might not be the appropriate way to get your feeling off your chest. It does not always make sense to discuss feelings. As the saying goes, sometimes it is gentler to let sleeping dogs lie. Unless, you are extremely skilled at discussing feelings, you might wait until time has passed to talk to them about "their suicide;" you might visit the parents after a period of time to discuss the death of their child, at which time you will be better able to judge by their body language if bringing up suicide is appropriate, or not. However, do write them a letter telling them a few good things they might want to remember about their child, say you would like to visit with them, and that you will call them in a few weeks.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Give Roses to Men
Q Is it the right thing to give men roses?

A My experience has been that most guys would find it an assault on their manliness to be sent flowers. So: it would depend upon the man.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Have to Answer the Phone
Q At home, when the telephone rings, must I answer it or is the call really an intrusion? I have a bet on this! Thank you!

A If you don't want to answer the phone, you don't have to answer it. There is no law or etiquette rule that says you have to pick up the phone when it rings. The exception might be in the office place or if you were employeed in a household where part of your responsibilities was to answer the phone.

Codes + Conduct: Does a Lady Clean Her Plate
Q Should a lady always leave something on her plate when eating out?

A Most of us were brought up under the threat that there were "starving children" all over the world, as an incentive to clean our plates in gratitude. You don't have to leave food on your plate, but you don't have to finish everything either. There are no rules carved in stone.

Codes + Conduct: Does Attorney Pay for Client's Lunch
Q Does the attorney buy lunch for the client or does the client buy lunch for the attorney when on a break from court, a meeting, whatever?

A If the client does not pick up the chit at the restaurant, then the attorney will charge the lunch to the client. Either way, the client pays. There is no free lunch.

Codes + Conduct: Does Owner Split Tips
Q Does a business owner split tips with an employee?

A No, all tips go to the people who work for you. The owner is not tipped.

Codes + Conduct: Dog Etiquette
Q Dear Ms. Lorillard,

I am a high school English teacher in San Antonio, Texas, and I am currently attending a writer's institute. Our assignment this week is to write an extensive piece on a topic of our choice in hopes of being published somewhere.

My topic is "Doggie Park Etiquette" and I would like to write a humorous essay on "the do's" and "the don'ts" of manners while at the dog park. (A new dog park recently opened here in San Antonio and I love to take my dog Gypsy.) While researching "etiquette" on the web, I came across your website.

My idea is to take five or six of your "Do's" and "Don'ts" and adapt them for use by pet owners at dog parks. I want it to be a fun look at "manners" for dogs and their dog owners. (Certainly, I would give you and your website full credit for using your particular "Do's" and "Don'ts.")

I would like to use the following "Do's" from your list:
1. Look people in the eye when you talk to them.
2. Thank everybody for everything they do for you.
3. Backtrack as soon as you realize your mistake and apologize.
4. Dance with anyone who asks you.
5. Welcome unexpected guests.
6. Be aware of other people's body language.
7. Keep your breath and body fresh.

I would like to use the following "Don'ts" from your list:
1. Don't point.
2. Don't scratch or rub any part of your body.
3. Don't bolt without notice.
4. Don't brown-nose superiors.
5. Don't be a tease.
6. Don't take a drink if you have food in your mouth.

Of course, the manners would be adapted in a fun way for dogs!

My husband is the editor of the website www.mysanantonio.com which is the website of the San Antonio Express-News. He has already agreed to post my essay on his pet page and I would be very happy to share my article with you prior to publication.

Thank you for your consideration of my request. (My deadline is fast approaching....)

Sincerely,
Pamela Howell
4435 Amanda's Cove
San Antonio, Texas 78247
(210) 557-8888
(I teach at Holmes High School. My school email address is pamelahowell@nisd.net and my home email address is pam@howellfamilytree.com.)



A I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but I've been on vacation. Since I don't track the time and date of questions, I don't know how long you have been waiting for an answer. No doubt, by now you have had to turn in your essay. It sounds quite amusing and I hope that you will send it to me for my website. I will, of course, give you full credit. You have my permission to use the Dos and Don'ts for your doggie essay. But remember that I would love to see it.

Codes + Conduct: Doggie Bags
Q What is your protocol on taking home leftovers after a meal in a nice restaurant? What if it is a meal with business associates? My husband does this all the time, often putting items such as the butter and rolls, in the take-home container. I think taking home food is only appropriate if you are at a very casual restaurant. Your opinion will be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Peggy Manley, Austin, TX

A In my opinion, it is very tacky to take home food from a restaurant. It used to be that steak houses would wrap up steak bones for a customer's dog. The gesture that started out with good intentions is now embarrassing for those of us at the table who think that asking for a "doggie bag" when it is clearly not for the doggie is a dog-gone tacky thing to do.

Codes + Conduct: Don't "Shush"
Q Is it proper to "Shush" someone in public?

A No, it is not proper to "shush" someone in public. Etiquette and manners are about being compassionate and considerate to others.

Codes + Conduct: Dr. or M.D.
Q I am a physician. Which is the correct way to display my name? Dr.Leigh Roberts, M.D. or Leigh Roberts, M.D.?

A Whatever you decide it is either one or the other, Dr. Leigh Roberts or Leigh Roberts, M.D. Dr. and M.D. are the same, so you would not use both on stationery or in the telephone book.

Codes + Conduct: Drinking and Chewing
Q My mother was raised quite properly and taught me it was impolite to drink liquids while I still had food in my mouth. Is this still considered proper etiquette? Thank you.

A The theory back then was that it was unhealthy to wash down your food. It was considered proper to chew your food and not drink much with your meals because liquid fills you up and the food on your plate would go to waste. With your mother it sounds as if it was about pacing the meal, which, of course, is what one does in polite company. Taking a bite, putting your fork down on your plate, savoring and chewing your food before swallowing it. Indeed, that was the way polite society ate to distinguish itself from those who did not dine because they chowed down.

Codes + Conduct: Drinking Beer From a Bottle
Q Is it impolite to drink beer from the bottle at a restaurant table?

A It would depend upon the restaurant. If the tables are covered with white table cloths and the servers look buttoned up and spiffy, you would be served a cold glass with your beer. Otherwise, drink your beer out of the bottle because it will stay colder longer; it even makes you look cooler.

Codes + Conduct: Drinking From a Cup
Q When drinking from a coffee cup or tea cup, where is your
elbow -- down by your side or straight out???

A It would depend where the coffee cup or tea cup is placed on the table. If it is to the right of the plate, then the elbow would be straight out. If there is no plate directly in front of you but the saucer for your coffee or tea cup, then your elbow would be at your side.

Codes + Conduct: Drop-In Party Gift
Q At a "drop-in" party, are you supposed to give the hostess a gift?

A No.

Codes + Conduct: Dutch Treat Etiquette: Graduation Luncheon
Q "Dutch Treat Etiquette"

My daughter is graduating college with a bachelors degree and quite a few relatives and friends will be attending. Originally we had planned on having a luncheon for everyone but due to recent economy situations we are unable to pay for everyone. We still plan on going to a relatively inexpensive restuarant following the graduation and would like to invite all that would like to attend. How do we let our family and friends know that their lunch will be "dutch treat" without offending anyone?
Thank you,
E. Hanna

A During this downturn in the economy, more and more families will be celebrating all kinds of occasions "Dutch Treat." From now on make it clear that you are "organizing a Dutch Treat luncheon" after the ceremony. The word "organizing" being the operative word. Give crystal-clear directions as to exactly where the restaurant is located and instructions where to park. Say that you expect the lunches to cost about twenty dollars per person including tax and tip. At the luncheon, if people are drinking wine or beer, you can always order and pay for a pitcher of beer or bottle of wine to toast your daughter's accomplishments.

The only problem with having this luncheon "Dutch Treat" is that you cannot expect people also to bring gifts. There will be those who will and those who might feel that he or she would rather do one or the other. I want you to do the right thing here, so you might include this line in your e-vite or invitation: In lieu of a gift, please help us celebrate by covering your own lunch.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Chops With Your Fingers
Q Can pork chops be eaten with your fingers as long as they are pork chops with a bone?

A In the privacy of your home, use your fingers but remember to use one hand only because the chop is not that heavy. In a nice restaurant or at a dinner party, you might use your knife and fork, but take your lead from your host or hostess.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Corn on the Cob
Q How do you eat corn on the cob? Thanks.

A When preparing the corn on the cob, leave as much of the stem as is attractive. At least enough to allow your thumb and first two fingers to get a good grip on the butter-slippery ear. If the corn is being passed around the table on a platter, sticks of butter can be placed strategically to allow the melting butter to dribble over the ears of corn. Let people salt their own corn. When the platter comes to you, take the ear closest to you and roll your ear on the stick of butter before removing it to your plate. Grip the cob by the stem and use the tips of your other hand to stabilize the cob. Dig your front teeth into the ear and chew off a mouthful of kernels . Everyone has their own way of eating kernels off a cob. Some people eat out the middle first rolling it around before finishing off the ends. Most people start at the far left and take out a couple of lines of kernels at a time going from left to right, much the way a typewriter punches out a group of letters. You can take out the next couple of lines by either continuing from the right back to the left, or starting back at the far left moving your mouth to the right again before rolling the cob at the end of each set of rows to bring up the next rows of kernels. Wipe your fingers on your napkin and dab off the melted butter from around your mouth. Please don't pick your teeth at the table. Wait until you're out of sight and by yourself before you dislodge that piece of kernel out from between your two front teeth.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Lamb Off the Bone
Q When dining at a fine restuarant, when eating lamb is it improper after cutting way most of the meat to pick up the bone to eat a little more with your hands? Lamb is the only food I've done this with.

A It would depend upon the restaurant, who you are with, and how you nibble on the lamb bone. If you are the hostess and can do it in a delicate manner, then by all means nibble away. On the other hand, if you are being scrutinized by a possible employer or your fiance's mother and grandmother, you might want to refrain from nibbling.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Rack of Lamb
Q "Eating rack of lamb" etiquette

A Use your fork to stabilize the rack, with a steak knife separate the chops, if they are still connected, and trim the gristle and fat from the meat. Then cut the pink meat away from the rib and divide into small bits. Look around to see if others are picking up their chops, too, and nibble the rest of the meat off the bone. In a very fancy restaurant, you would probably not pick it up with your hands, whereas at home or in a more casual restaurant you might pick up the bone with one hand and nibble the rest of the meat off with your teeth. Don't lick your fingers. It is far better to dip the tip of your cloth napkin into your water glass to wipe your fingers, if the moisture from the rack of doesn't come off with simple wiping.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Rack of Lamb with Your Fingers
Q Is it proper to eat rack of lamb with your hands?

A Rack of lamb is the perfect food to eat with your fingers because you have that nice little bone to hold on to while you're nibbling on the lamb. Remember, it is not heavy so don't use both hands and, even if your dying to, don't lick your fingers. That's the trade-off.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Ribs
Q What is the correct way to eat ribs in a restaurant?

A It is socially acceptable to eat ribs with your hands. As they are not heavy, try to use only one hand and never lick your fingers, no matter how yummy they are.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Salad with Knife + Fork
Q Growing up, I was told never to use a knife when eating salads. I was told to use only a fork. This rule supposedly had its origins in the pre-stainless steel days when knife blades would be stained by salad dressing, and old-fashioned salad forks would often have one thicker tine that could be used for cutting. I was told that this was a very strict rule - that even employers (particularly in England) would watch me eat a salad during interview lunches and determine whether I was well-brought up. It seems to me that almost no one follows this rule. Salads today are often served with huge, barely-torn lettuce leaves and everyone seems to start by cutting their salad with a knife and fork. I toil away in silence trying to cut the lettuce with my fork, and probably look very rude indeed when I end up stuffing large lettuce leaves into my mouth. Is this rule just an anachronism that should be disregarded?

A We can blame it on iceberg lettuce. In the fiftes when everybody was eating iceberg lettuce with Russian dressing, knives were needed to cut through the tight, dense leaves. Unfortunately, the baby boomers and now the boomers think they are supposed to use knives to cut their endive, radicchio, and frisee. The rule is: never use a knife or a spoon when a fork will suffice. Nowadays, we don't really need a knife to eat the three M's, mache, mesclun and microgreens; however, old habits die hard.

Codes + Conduct: Eating with Long White Gloves
Q What is proper etiquette for gloves at a formal dinner? When do you take them off and put them back on?

A I am assuming you are asking about the long white kid gloves one would wear to a fancy dress ball or a wedding; if so, you need not take off the gloves at all. To eat, you would unbutton the buttons and neatly fold back the glove fingers under the material on the opposite side of the glove. When you are through eating, you would put your fingers back into the glove and button the buttons.

Codes + Conduct: Eating with Long White Gloves
Q When wearing long gloves to a black-tie event, do you remove them to eat or not at all?

A You can take them off if you want to, but a true lady knows how to eat with her long gloves on. After being seated, she unbottons her gloves and pulls the gloves fingers so that her hand comes through the wrist of the glove. She then folds the hand part of the glove neatly under her wrist.

Codes + Conduct: Elbows Off the Table
Q Who said "no elbows on the table"? Who made up this rule of etiquette ?

A There is no rule carved in stone. No Moses who preached, "Elbows off the table." No elbows on the table is common sense. If, say, a family is seated at the dinner table and everyone has both of their elbows on the table, the table gets pretty crowded, milk glasses tip over, forks tumble off of dinner plates on to the floor leaving a stain on the tablecloth, and suddenly the table is a mess. So: how do you choose who puts their elbows on the table when? Let's see, "Johnny, it is your turn to put your elbows on the table. You have ten minutes and then it is Sally's turn." You wouldn't take turns putting your elbows on the table because it makes more sense to focus the conversation on the events of the day and what's happening tomorrow than bicker about whose turn it is to put elbows on the table. Table manners have evoloved since the days of the cavemen, who probaly didn't even eat at a table; once tables and dinnerware came into place, codes of conduct followed suit.

Codes + Conduct: Elbows on the Table
Q Why is it considered bad manners to put your elbows on the dinner table?

A For a start, elbows look ghastly resting on the table. If you need to prop your head up with your arms, it is time for you to go to bed. What would it look like if everyone put their elbows on the table? The table would look pretty crowded with, let's say, eight elbows, china, glassware, silverware, bread and butter, salt and pepper, water bottle, wine bottle, candles, flowers. So why should one person be allowed to put their elbows on the table, if the rest of us can't? It's sloppy behavior. Manners are based on consideration for others.

Codes + Conduct: Email Christmas Cards
Q One of my closest friends sent me and everyone else a Christmas card via email. I thought that it was very impersonal and tacky since I sent her and her family a Christmas card through the mail. Am I correct to feel the way I do??

A There are two sides to this issue. Email Christmas cards cut down on the amount of trees that have to be cut down in order to supply the paper for all those cards and envelopes. The old fashioned snail mail card will always be the best but people live very busy lives and email is so much a part of how we communicate, whether we like it or not, that I don't think we can stop the flood of email Christmas cards that we should expect in the future. The big problem is that often after I've downloaded the card, I can't read it because it is a mish mash of numbers and letters that are meaningless because my computer could not translate that program. So, often I don't get the email card that was mailed.

Codes + Conduct: E-Mail Thank-You Notes
Q Are email thank-you notes OK?

A If someone has gone to the trouble of shopping, wrapping, and sending you a gift, then don't they deserve a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note? Whether you like the gift or not, the person has spent a lot of time on you. He or she has gone to the store, spent their hard-earned money, wrapped the package, and waited in line at the post office to send you a gift. An exception would be if the person sent you an email thank-you note first for the gift you gave them. The exception would be a very good friend or close family members when you've exchanged gifts and want to reiterate either by phone or through email that you appreciate the gift. I know that this sounds old-fashioned, but if someone has spent a lot of time on you, you would want to acknowledge that by responding in kind.

Codes + Conduct: Email Thank-You Notes
Q Is is proper to send thank-you notes through email?

A It depends upon the situation. You would return an email invitation with an email thank-you note. In general, if someone has gone to great lengths to buy you the perfect present, you might want to write them a thank-you note. With close friends and family, we don't exchange thank-you notes because it becomes somewhat of a ping-pong game of thank-you notes, so we do thank through email and in conversation. So: for close family and relatives, if you are on an email wave length then go for it.

Codes + Conduct: Embracing
Q Who should make the move toward embrace, women or men?

A The woman always sets the tone and the pace for social kissing and embracing.

Codes + Conduct: Engraved Initials
Q When engraving initials that are of the same size, does the family initial go in the middle or at the end? Example: Mary Claire Harrington - would that be MCH or MHC?

A When the initials are the same size, the last name first initial would go at the end. In this case the monogram would be MCH.

Codes + Conduct: Engraving a Cake Server
Q How should an engraved cake server read?

A Nowadays the trend in engraving for newlyweds is to engrave only the first initial of their last name. So: it would depend upon who the cake server is for. If a wedding couple have registered silver, which one can find by going to the wedding channel on the internet, that kind of information will be registered also. If that does not work, ask the person to whom you are having the server engraved because everyone has a personal preference about such things. I once gave a dear friend monogrammed towels, which she had asked for, in the traditional monogram and she was annoyed because she had decided on a less conventional monogram; now she is still stuck with those towels and the fact that I was inconsiderate not to have asked first. Don't second guess on engraving, even though a contemporary cake server calls for a contemporary engraving and an antique cake server calls for an old-fashioned engraving.

Codes + Conduct: Engraving Brass Plate
Q We are engraving a brass plate for our new grandfather's clock-which way is proper?

Karl and Cheryl Schill
2008


OR
Cheryl and Karl Schill
2008

A I am a huge fan of ladies first, so I would put Cheryl's name first; however, the more traditional route would be that Karl's name is first. However, if you want the plate to reflect the year 2008, you would use Cheryl and Karl Schill.

Codes + Conduct: Enscribing Books
Q What is the proper way to inscribe a book (hard cover and soft cover) especially if the author has already signed his name on the fly leaf?


A If you are the author, you would sign the title page. If you are not the author, you would inscribe the first page after the front cover. As layouts vary among publishers, authors and gift givers usually sign the first page---it may be a title page---with substantial white space.

Codes + Conduct: Entering + Exiting Etiquette
Q Is there a rule regarding right-of-way when one person is entering a building and one person is exiting the building (via the same door)?

A It is always courteous to allow the person exiting to leave before the person entering; however, there are two exceptions: if it is a man who is exiting and a woman who is entering, the man would wait for the woman to enter; and if it is freezing cold, snowing or pouring rain, the person exiting would signal for the person entering to come through, perhaps by holding the door open for him or her.

Codes + Conduct: Entering a Room Who Speaks First
Q When a person walks into a room with people in the room, who should say hello first? The person who walks into the room or the people already in the room?

A The person entering the room announces her/his arrival with a salutation.

Codes + Conduct: Envelope Stuffing
Q stuff an envelope


A What about "stuff an envelope?" Please return to my Web site and ask me what you need to know about "stuff an envelope" and I will be happy to give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Codes + Conduct: Eternity Band
Q My husband has given me an eternity band for our 1st anniversary. He thinks I should wear it on my right hand, I say I should wear it with my other wedding bands on the left. Who's right, who's wrong??

A There is no right person or wrong person here. Your husband gave you the eternity band to wear and if you are going to wear it, wear it on the most comfortable finger. Since you are the person wearing the ring, it is your choice.

Codes + Conduct: E-Thank-You Note
Q Is an e-mailed thank-you for a gift truly worse than none at all? I acknowledge that it's impersonal and apologize and explain that I'm travelling on business, wouldn't that be okay?

A n my opinion, you can always backtrack and follow up the e-thank-you with a short note in your own hand. Not to worry. Two acknowledgments are better than one. It also depends upon the gift. If someone gave you a gag gift or, say, a back scratcher, then just the e-thank-you would be fine. On the other hand, if someone went out of their way to wow you totally with a gift or special treat, then you probably would want to follow up the e-mail reiterating your appreciation over the phone or on your best social note paper.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette + Personal Success
Q How is social etiquette important to a person's success?

A Etiquette is based consideration, compassion and compromise; if one uses all three in one's relations with others, he is respected and appreciated in his relationships. Personal success is how one feels about how one handles the relationships in his life. If one does not handle them well, then he might not feel good about himself. If one knows that they have gone up the ladder in the relationship, he is proud of his personal success.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette Classes
Q How do I find local etiquette classes in my home area?

A I am sorry but I am not a big fan of "etiquette classes." I am an etiquette consultant who works with families and in small settings with children and parents, or just children or just parents. I would be happy to find a time when I can work with you, if you have an idea of how it can be organized. Alternatively, if you search the Internet, you might find classes or an etiquette consultant in your area.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette for Girls Ten to Fifteen
Q Are their any manner guidelines for young ladies between the age of 10-15, ie dressing ,engaging in greetings, how to sit, things of that nature?

A Yes, there are guidelines for manners for young ladies between 10-15:

Lay your clothes out and prepare your bookbag before you go to sleep at night, so that you won't be late in the morning.
Make sure that your clothing is clean before putting it on.
Be sure to brush your teeth after breakfast.
Hug and kiss your parents good-bye.
Do not shove or push on the school bus or in the halls.
Leave the door open for the person behind you by holding the door back for them to hold it back for the next person.
Organize yourself before the start of class so that you are not going through your bookbag while the teacher is talking.
Wash your hands before lunch.
Be sure to dispose of all sanitary items as per the instructions in the restroom.
Do not brush your hair over the sink in the restroom.
Do not cut line in the cafeteria.
Tidy up the area where you ate your lunch.
Offer to help new students learn the rules of a sport and introduce them to your friends.
When papers and material are handed out in class, thank the person who is doing the handing out.
When the teacher asks to speak to you after class, listen carefully, and then thank him or her.
Let your parents know where you will be after school and what time you will be home.
When you leave one spot and go to another after school, tell a parent what you are doing.
Never get into a car or van with anyone that you don't know well, even if they say they know your parents.
If someone grabs you, kick and scream until they let you go and then run as fast as you can.
If you are thrown into the trunk of a car, you can easily disconnect the tail lights from inside the trunk, which will signal to the police to pull the vehicle over.
Do not do drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke anything.
Never steal anything from anyone or store.
Never lie to your parents, because they will know.
Thank your parents everytime they do something nice for you.
Be kind to your parents, friends, and other students.
Write thank-you notes for all gifts from adults.
Say no to sex below the waist.
Never let anybody touch you in your private place.
There is a real art to listening. Learn to listen and repeat back what you have learned.
Read for an hour a day.
Finish your homework before watching TV.
Tell an adult before you go on the Internet.
Answer calls that are not for you cheerfully; find out who is calling and to whom they wish to speak.
Offer to help with making dinner and clear.
Let good table manners be part of who you are.
Keep your napkin in your lap while eating to protect your clothing from getting soiled.
Never have your elbows on the table unless all glasses and plates are cleared from the table.
Leave your knife and fork lying side by side on your plate when you are through eating.
Practice random acts of kindness.
Make the words please and thank you part of your vocabulary.
Apologize when you know that you have made a mistake.
Clear the table and load the dishwasher.
Wash and dry your clothing yourself, fold it and put it away.
Tidy your room before going to bed.
Practice good etiquette by being considerate, compassionate, and compromising.
Learn to solve arguments with compromise.
Hug and kiss your parents good-night.
Be happy and smile.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette for Waitstaff
Q Proper etiquette for waitress or waiters


A Etiquette for Waitstaff

Do not come into work sick.
All waitstaff must bathe daily.
Proper hygiene must be practiced all day through the shift.
Hands must be washed before leaving the restroom.
Uniform must be clean and neatly pressed.
Shoes must be shined.
Hair must be clean and neat.
Never touch your hair with your hands.
Never scratch your skin especially around your nose and mouth.
Do not use strong cologne.
Be sure that you do not have bad breath.
Do not smoke because nothing is worse that a waiter who reeks of tobacco smoke.
Welcome the guest with a big smile.
Give your first name clearly.
Ask if the diner would like water.
Ask if the diner would like to hear the specials.
Repeat the order back to the diner, including the doneness of the meat.
Ask if the diner would like freshly ground pepper.
When you see that the diners have cut into their meat, return to ask if their meat is cooked the way they like it.
Be cheerful and accommodating, if you have to take the food back.
While clearing the vacated tables, do not clank the plates and glasses, because it is disturbing to the diners.
Serve to the left of the guest, clear from the right.
When the diner asks for the check, bring it right away.
Thank the dinners and say that you hope to see them again.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette is Important
Q Why is etiquette important?

A Because we live in an overpopulated world and if it weren't for etiquette there would be chaos. Etiquette is a about consideration, compassion and compromise.

Codes + Conduct: Etiquette Problems Shared Around the World
Q I need to get more information about problems of etiquette. Tell me please with which problems of etiquette people usually face all over the world? Are there some solutions?
Thank you. Aliya

A Through answering questions from people living all over the world, I have found that most people want to do the right thing. They want to fit in, do the right thing, and be well-liked. They want affirmation that what they think is right and proper etiquette is, in fact, right and proper, and they get very upset when people disagree with them. I have found that one can solve most etiquette problems by applying all or some of these three concepts: consideration, compassion and compromise. Specifically, everyone wants be treated with respect, and we often become incensed when we are not treated with it. Sometimes, the easiest way to solve a problem is to listen to it over and over again, each time looking at it from another point of view. Often it helps to discuss the problem with someone whose opinion you respect. Ask them straight out: This is the problem ..... What do you think? That person might give you another take on the situation and that opinion might help you to solve the problem. If that doesn't work, then ask another person until you find a resolution. The best way to be a good problem solver is to be a good listener. For very specific situations, you are welcome to return to my Website, www.NewportManners.com, and read through my huge archive collection of etiquette and manners.

Codes + Conduct: Evening Hour
Q When does evening begin?

A Socially, evening invitations start at five o'clock. Five o'clock is after work. Five o'clock means that it is time to have fun.

Codes + Conduct: Excuse Me If I Fart
Q Is it considered polite to fart if I say "excuse me"?.

A It is not nice to fart; however, it is polite to excuse yourself if you do so.

Codes + Conduct: Fashion Show Etiquette
Q On which side does the male walk when escorting a female during a fashion show?

A The opposite side that the press is on.

Codes + Conduct: Favour of a Reply
Q What is the proper format to respond to a 'favour of a reply requested"?

A Subsitutie your own information and center these lines on your social stationary, if you are accepting:

Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens'
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Or, regretting:

Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare
sincerely regret that
their absence from the city
prevents them from accepting
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
for Saturday, the tenth of May

Codes + Conduct: Fiftieth Birthday Party for Boss
Q My boss is planning her 50th birthday party along with her husband (is his 50th birthday party, too), and I don't know what kind of present I should give them.

A Give them something fun such as a night out bowling or a funny book. As you are employed by her, you are not expected to spend a lot of money on her gift. If you do spend a lot of money, she won't believe that you need a raise. It is always best to look for something funny or amusing, such as an adult board game.

Codes + Conduct: Finding a New Hair Style
Q Hi Didi,
Please let me know how I can decide what sort of haircut/hair style will suit me best.

A Find a store that has a large selection of magazines and browse the racks looking for a hair style that you like. When changing your hair style, you want to go to the best hairdresser you can afford at first. Show the stylist a couple of styles that you like and ask his/her opinion. The hairdresser will be honest with you because he/she will want your return business. Once you find a cut that works for you, you can always go to a less expensive hairdresser for a trim and ask him/her to follow the lines of the new style. The best way to find a good hairdresser is through word of mouth. If you have a friend or colleague who has a particularly good cut, even if it isn't the right style for you, ask for the name of the hairdresser. If that's not applicable, then make an appointment at an expensive hairdressing establishment and ask for the least expensive stylist. In a really good salon, the more seasoned stylists cost the most even though they aren't necessarily the best. When you make the appointment, tell the receptionists the length of hair that you are going for and ask her to recommend a stylist, ask the price, and then ask if there is a stylist that costs less.

Codes + Conduct: First Date Tips
Q What are some good tips for a first date?

A Confirm the time of pick-up and where you are meeting. Be sure to have good hygiene, meaning that your body and clothing need to look fresh and clean. Try to make eye contact and fall in with your dates body language by sometimes mirroring his/her actions. The person who initiated the date pays for the date but it might be good to offer to pay your share. Keep the conversation light, in other words don't tell the date about your last lover(s) or reveal family problems or dramas. Pace your emotions and don't let alcohol affect your judgment. Do not drive with anyone who is intoxicated. End the date on a high point by leaving the person wanting to see you again to learn more about you. If you had a good time, let the person know that you enjoyed yourself by leaving a voice message or by sending an email. Do not have sex on a first date but if you do get carried away and have sex, be sure to use condoms. If the your date is sexually active, you want to make sure that he/she gets tested for ADIS and SDTs before you have unprotected sex.

Codes + Conduct: First Meeting
Q How long does it take a person to pass judgement on you after they lay eyes on you?

A In the first moment of an encounter with a person, you make your initial judgement pro or con in just one-twentieth of a second.

Codes + Conduct: Flag Protocol
Q Question #1: When running the flag up for morning colors, if it is bunched or tangled, is it proper to bring it down and straighten it, or do you leave it as it is?
Question #2: Can you leave a Marine Corps flag up at night without a light?

A Question #1 If it can't become untangled by manipulating the rope, bring it down and untangle it.

Question #2 This is a Marine Corp. directive, so you will need to telephone your local Marine Corp. office for this information.

Codes + Conduct: Flag Protocol
Q What are the proper ways to display the American flag?

A As I do not know the setting in which you are displaying the American flag, why not contact the National Flag Foundation, Flag Plaza, Pittsburgh, PA 15219, or telephone 412-261-1776?

Codes + Conduct: Foldover cards + Envelopes
Q When I am writing a note on a foldover card, when I put it in the envelope, should the front of the card face the front side of the envelope or the back. I usually have it face the back because I assume someone opening the envelope will be looking at that side.

A In the past, envelopes were sealed with hot wax, the recipient used a letter opener to separate the seal from the envelope, and the front of the note card greeted the recipient. Today, most people still open from the back of the envelope.

Codes + Conduct: Foldover Note Paper
Q When writing a thank-you note on engraved notepaper, should you flip the page when writing on the last page like a continuous flow of words, or should you turn the note over and continue writing from folded part down toward the open part? Thenk you

A Try to guage how much you are going to be writing. I always write out a draft on scratch paper, check my spelling, and read the thank-you note out loud before writing on the note paper. If you only have enough words for the inside lower half and the back of that lower half, then use that. If it looks as if you have more, lay the note paper face down and write on the sheet from top to bottom. If you still need more space, turn over the sheet and finish up on the lower back. In other words, you would not write on the back side of the face (the monogrammed quarter) of the note paper unless you were using three-fourths of the note paper for your thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Food Service Industry Etiquette
Q What is the best way to conduct yourself in the food industry?

A This is a very general question. I am sure that training schools such as Johnson and Whales in Providence, RI, have manuals and text books on the subject. Etiquette-wise, the most important thing for a food service worker, whether he or she is a chef or waitstaff, is the importance of good hygiene. They must bathe before coming to work, they cannot wear strong scents of any kind, their clothing must be spotless, pressed, and well-fitting. Shoes are shined, hair is combed or fastened behind the ears. Most importantly, whether you are behind the deli or serving food at a table or counter, do not touch your bare skin with your fingers to scratch, pick or rub yourself. Do not ever touch your bare skin, your hair, eyes, nose, or mouth. I'll never forget ordering sliced turkey breast at a deli case and watching the food service person stop to scratch a zit on his neck before finishing my order. Needless to say, I left the package at another counter and didn't order sliced turkey breast for a very long time. Do not go into work if you have a cold because nothing grosses customers out more than watching deli workers wipe their noses on their sleeves or have to listen to them sneezing all over the food, because you can't help but be wondering which way the germs are drifting. When serving guests be quiet while clearing and setting up nearby tables. There is nothing more distracting to diners than to have to listen to the waiter making a racket as he clears the next table rattling plates and glasses and spraying cleaner on the table. Also, be sure to return to the diners after they have had a chance to sample the food to ask, "Is everything all right?" Remember that in the food service industry, the customer is always right. Aside from that, be welcoming, cheerful and gracious, and don't forget to smile.

Codes + Conduct: Fork + Knife Use
Q What is the proper use of fork versus knife, especially when it relates to the cutting of food? Is it proper to cut food with a fork or should a knife be used?

A Use a fork first, say, with fish. If the fork doesn't cut it for you, enlist the help of the knife by gently securing the meat with the fork while you cut a couple of pieces of meat. Turn your fork over and return it to your eating hand before continuing to eat.

Codes + Conduct: Fork + Left hand
Q Is there anything wrong with holding your fork in your left hand?


A No, not if you are left-handed. Otherwise the fork would only be in your left hand while you are cutting your meat.

Codes + Conduct: Fork Etiquette
Q Hello, I was wondering if it is impolite to place your knife between the tines of the fork when finished? Is there any significance when to do this especially compared with simply placing them side-by-side?

Thanks,
Chris

A It is all about leaving your plate tidy so that the person who is clearing the plate doesn't drop the utensils. Placing the knife and fork side-by-side enables that person to secure both with his thumb to keep them from sliding. If the knife were inserted between tines of the fork, the knife and fork would neither be lying flat nor parallel and therefore awkward in terms of gracefully clearing the plate.

Yes, it is impolite to place your knife between the tines of the fork when finished because it is an imposition to the server. The significance lies in the fact that the person who has left his knife and fork in such an inconvenient position is not being thoughtful.

Codes + Conduct: Forks + Knives
Q Is it socially acceptable to set your dinner table silver any other way except the ordinary way? Like can you serve the forks on the right and the knife on the left?? Thanks

A The code for setting flatware is set in stone: Forks go on the left and knives and spoons are on the right. The only exception would be that a seafood fork might be placed on the right and a dessert spoon and fork might be placed horizontally at the head of the place setting.

Codes + Conduct: Forks Up, Forks Down
Q What is the proper way to leave your fork on a plate after you are done eating? I leave it upside down.

A When the fork is placed with the tongs facing up, along with the knife, positioned at six o'clock on your plate, it is easier for the server to secure the cutlery when he removes the plate.

Codes + Conduct: French Etiquette: What Americans Need to Know
Q My husband is being transferred to Paris, what sort of etiquette will we need to know when socializing with people at his firm?



A As you no doubt have heard, it is not easy for an American to fit in socially in Paris. With the help of an American reporter in Paris, Elaine Sciolinio, here is a basic guide to etiquette based on an article that she wrote for the New York Times:

When you understand that the French love any excuse to celebrate, you will know that you can always entertain as a way to forge friendships. No anniversary is too young or too minor. If you decide to entertain, celebrate a birthday, anniversary, or holiday, even the Fourth of July.

There used to be an old saying in France that, "The customer is king," but no longer since there is no king of France. Nowadays, the customer is always wrong, so never tangle with a shopkeeper.

Make a good butcher your first best friend.

When being greeted or greeting, double kiss, but be careful whom you hug. Not everyone wants a hug. But everybody knows that the French don't need an excuse to kiss. Just your presence is enough. The two-kiss kiss, the ritual double "bisou," might take some getting used to, but once you know that the second kiss is coming you'll be prepared and it will become second nature. Many older and/or aristocratic Frenchmen are hand kissers. They take the woman's hand to their chest, bow slightly, and kiss it, often coddling it in his hand before letting go. The jerky air kiss is more popular with the trendy young.

Dress chicly, even going out to the dry cleaner or walking your dog. The French always look as if they are going somewhere important, even if it is only the daily trip to the bakery.

Always wear flattering, beautiful lingerie.

Never ask for the "toilette." Just go looking for it and you'll find it.

Never say, "Bon appetit" at the start of a meal.

Never talk too loudly.

Never discuss illness, money, or your religion at a meal.

Always eat pizza, hamburgers, foie gras, and sorbet with a fork.

Always say, "Bonjour" to the shopkeeper, cab driver, bus driver, or to those in an elevator.

Bon voyage!

Codes + Conduct: Funderal Etiquette: Death of Extended Family Member
Q My sister-in-law's brother died a sudden and unexpected death. He was in his twenties. I know her family well but am not sure what to send to let them know that I care and am thinking of them. What is the proper response from me?

A As I don't know the timing here, this is a broad choice of ways to respond to the death of an extended family member. Your first response should be to telephone your brother's sister to find out how you and your husband can be helpful. Remember that the entire family will be stunned by the death and unable or uninterested in attending to the daily chores of life. Offer your hands to assist in picking up incoming family members at the bus station or airport, help with arrangements for the service, transportation, and reception, especially if you are familiar with the workings of the church; just being there to answer phones or take floral deliveries, make coffee or run the vacuumn cleaner over the living room carpet, or unload the dishwasher are all very useful ways of helping out. You wouldn't be there to talk, just to help your sister-in-law in her daily routine of coping through this terrible time of mourning. Offer to do anything, anything at all: help write her brother's obituary for the local paper, help choose the the hymns for the service, organize the transportation, order the food and refreshments for the reception, help the families with their outfits. These are all things that the immediate family won't be interested in and might need your assistance. Let his sister know that you are both eager to do anything you can to help out.

Then ask if you and your husband could bring a meal to the house, either to the sister-in-law's or the her parents' house. Suggest comfort food that can be heated up without fuss. For instance, a casserole, a stew, meatloaf, lasagna, or a big chocolate cake, coffee cakes, cookies, platters of cheese and fruit with crackers. Just having food on hand that has already been made is a great help.

If you live far from them and none of the above is possible, then send flowers to the funeral home and then flowers to your sister-in-law. Go online and read the brother's obituary in the local paper to see if the family has asked that a donation be made in their son's name to a charity, in lieu of sending flowers. Often when a person dies so young, the family is swamped with flowers that seem to have little meaning. Making a donation in your sister-in-law's brother's memory would be a lovely way to celebrate his short life. You would receive a tax receipt for a full deduction and the family will be notified of your gift.

No matter what you do, send a handwritten note of sympathy or a card that you write a personal line or two before signing your name.

Codes + Conduct: Gay Etiquette: Gift Registry
Q Hello,
I am gay, and recently moved in with my partner. We are planning to throw a housewarming party as a way of celebrating our commitment to each other with our friends and familly, since we can't actually get married. Some of our friends have told us that we should register for gifts, but we both think that registering would be like asking people for presents and find it a bit tacky.
What do you think?


A In my opinion, if guests are moved to buy you a gift, then by all means register at some fun store. The last thing that you want is to have to write thank-you notes for gifts that you don't like.

However, I agree with you wholeheartedly about asking people for presents: it feels too tacky for words to mention the name of the registry on the invitation or enclose the store's registry card in the envelope. Don't mention the words "gifts" or "presents" on the invitation. If someone asks you what you need or where you are registered then by all means tell that person very matter-of-factly the name of the store, plus the names on the registry as his friends might not yet know your last name and visa versa. Just say, "So many friends have asked us where we've registered that we thought it would be helpful to fill out a gift registry in both our names, Charles Dickens and William Shakespeare."

That way you are not asking for presents, but you are letting guests know your preferences. Most guests will want to buy you something that you need and want. I am a huge believer in getting such information out by word-of-mouth. Drop a funny story about when you were registering for gifts and that will get passed around. If you registered on-line, you can say something such as, "It was amazing that in filling out the registry independently we agreed on so many of the same things, even in the same color." I want you to have just as much fun with this as heterosexuals have.

Codes + Conduct: General: Gifts: High School Graduation: What To Give
Q How much money, as a gift, should I give for my nephew's graduation from high school

A Since I don't know how much you can afford, you'll have to figure this out for yourself. In my opinion, if your nephew is headed for college, give him a gift card for the bookstore at his college. Look at it this way, a hundred dollar gift certificate will buy him a couple of text books.

Codes + Conduct: General: Stationery: Couple: Using Maiden Name
Q For a married couple in which the woman has kept maiden name, would the wife's name go first on personalized note cards or should it be alphabetical? We are ordering some engraved flat note cards and would like to use our full names without Mr and Mrs. Our names are Melissa Ryder and Doug Lowell. Thank you

A If they are informal note cards, you would use Melissa Ryder and Doug Lowell. For a more formal note card, you would include the middle names as in Melissa Caroline Ryder and Douglas Cabot Lowell. Formally, you would spell out Douglas.

In my opinion, the woman's name goes first. For instance, the New York Times Sunday Style Section lists the woman's name above the man's in the Wedding Section. Connect the names with the word "and" or an ampersand (&), depending on the formality of the card.

The key here is to find a style that suits your personalities and follow that style through. Be creative but remember that you will have that engraved plate forever. In my opinion, you would use the less formal ampersand with Melissa Ryder & Doug Lowell; the more formal "and" (spelled out) in Melissa Caroline Ryder and Douglas Cabot Lowell.

Traditionally, your most formal note paper would be a fold-over on very good quality fine paper with both of your names centered on the front. Additionally, you would have your own informal heavier note cards with just one person's name at the top.

Codes + Conduct: General: Thank-You Notes
Q What is the proper wording for a thank-you note to a family friend who gave me two closets of good clothes for me to wear; from their father who had just passed away?


A You would thank the person for "thinking of me" and "for your thoughtfulness." You would mention at least one item that you particularly liked by writing, "The houndstooth jacket with suede elbow patches is my favorite. I know I'll get a lot of use out of it." Or: "A man can never have too many ties or clean shirts." "I've always wanted a classic tuxedo because the one's you rent are not the same." "I've always wanted a good dress coat and now I've got one, thanks to your thoughtfulness." "Nobody makes a real trench coat like the English, I'll get a lot of wear out of the Burberry raincoat." The "Northface parka looks brand new, I can't believe your generosity." Always end a thank-you note with the words "Thank you." Even if you alluded to how thankful you are in the letter. If you've already said it, then say it again by writing, "Again, many thanks."

Codes + Conduct: Gentleman Walks Closest to the Traffic
Q Where did it originate that a gentleman should walk on the street side of the curb and should this still be practiced?

A In the days of the horse and buggy, the gentleman walked on the outside closest to the road to protect the lady from everything from a runaway horse to carriage wheels splashing through puddles. He was her first line of defense against traffic. Nowadays, people still seem to identify a man that walks nearest to the onslaught of traffic as a true gentleman. If one wants to be thought of as a gentleman, then one behaves like one.

Codes + Conduct: Gentleman: A Man Stands for a Lady
Q When is it proper for a male to stand for a female?

A A man stands when a woman walks into the room. A man stands when I woman comes to the table where he is seated. A man stands in the subway or bus when an older woman, or a woman with a baby or small child needs a seat. A man stands at the opera, theater, movie house, or concert hall, when a woman needs to get by him to get to her seat or to exit the aisle. A man stands for a woman if he is seated on a bar stool and she does not have a seat; he either gives her his bar stool on which to sit or they stand talking.

Codes + Conduct: Getting Flowers at Work
Q Is it bad manners to recieve flowers at work?



A No, it is not bad manners to receive flowers at work. They will cheer up the workplace and nobody will want you to take them home.

Codes + Conduct: Getting People to Shut Up
Q How do you handle a person who continues to talk during a presentation and is so loud many people cannot hear the speaker?

A You tap the gabber on the shoulder to get his attention and ask him very politely to please be quiet, so that you can listen to the speaker.

Codes + Conduct: Getting Rid of Unsolicited Door Ringers
Q I live in a tight-knit little community of houses close together, a prime target for people such as Jehovah's Witnesses and I want to know how politely to get rid of them? Thanks for your advice.

A Once you recognize that the person at your door is neither friend nor expected, just say, "Sorry, I'm just not interested," and shut the door.

Codes + Conduct: Getting to Seat in Theatre
Q When in the movie theatre or at a play, is it better to face a person with your front or back when you are passing them while trying to get to your seat or go to the bathroom?

A You would face the stage and scoot yourself towards the aisle or toward your seat. Facing them in such a tight space is too intense, especially if you don't know them.

Codes + Conduct: Gift Etiquette: Asking for Graduation Gifts
Q Is it okay to request gifts/money from relatives if you are graduating college?

A These days so many young adults are not only graduating from college but also from graduate school that the trend has switched away from the gift giving, so don't be disappointed if you don't get much booty. Usually if the family sends out a holiday newsletter with the family's accomplishments for the year, the mention of a hard-won degree in the family would be duly mentioned. Sometimes the colleges give the graduates invitations to send to close relatives which you might send to close relatives; however, you would not mention a gift. The college bookstore might sell boxes of announcements as opposed to invitations that you might personalize and send out.

Codes + Conduct: Gift Etiquette: Asking for Monetary Gifts
Q Can you tell me if it is proper etiquette to put on the invitation "Monetary Gifts please"?

A No, it is never proper etiquette to ask for money, especially on an invitation. If you need money, under the RSVP or on the "At Home" card, you can put "In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated."

Codes + Conduct: Gift Etiquette: Birthday Party Gifts
Q How do you get people to bring gifts to a birthday party without saying "bring a gift" on the invitation?

A If it is not a children's party, guests will not feel required to bring a gift. Remember that your invitation was a social bid. It was not a request for booty. A social bid, if accepted, is reciprocated by a social bid from the guest who accepted your party. Do not expect gifts. If you stated on the invitation that the party was, in fact, celebrating a birthday, then most guests will respond in their own time. If not with a gift, than with a return invitation.

It is also perfectly acceptable to state on the invitation that the birthday boy is, say, registered at Al's Tackle and Bait Shop.

Codes + Conduct: Gift Etiquette: Therapist
Q I have been in counseling for a little over a year. I feel that I have made significant improvements in my life and would like to show my appreciation to my counselor. Is it okay to send her a Christmas gift? I don't want to do anything that might be considered unethical that would in turn make her uncomfortable. Would it be better to wait until the end of my therapy? What would be an appropriate gift or tip at that time?

Thank you for this wonderful service you provide.
--Joan

A Joan, thank you for your kind words.

It is fine to give your therapist a Christmas gift, just don't make it too personal, don't expect her to relate to it or be overly grateful. The best gifts in this kind of a situation where you are acknowledging the holidays is to send her a bowl of amaryllis or paper whites because they are festive and cheerful. You can go online to Jackson & Perkins or White Flower Farm and have them send her a basket or cachepot that contains a couple of amaryllis bulbs or a dozen paper white bulbs. Just have them put your name on the card with no clawing words of sentiment (not that you would but the holidays make us all sentimental). After assembling it, she can decide whether to place it in her home or office. When it dies, she can just throw it away and possibly keep the basket. That way your gift won't be something so significant that she might feel you want her to display it for always and always. Of course, you could give her money in a cheerful card as a tip, but to me it would feel a bit like tipping your dentist, physician, or child's teacher. In other words, a tad demeaning. On the other hand, if you can tell that she needs the cash, give her the cash. It is not really customary to tip at the end of therapy. Most professionals would rather have you refer your friends to them and spread the word of their wisdom; unless, as I said, her circumstances are dire. You wouldn't want to buy her a personal present such as a scarf or perfume that you would expect her to wear, nor would you give her any article of clothing or bathing products. Other safe ideas for gifts would be theatre tickets, a restaurant voucher, or a gift card from a book store. Once again, stay away from household items that she might expect you want her to display. By the way, do not expect a thank-you note because professionally she will not want to encourage your gift giving. That's why I think that Christmas plants are great, but stay away from red roses.

Codes + Conduct: Gift for Basic Training Graduation
Q Does one give a gift when invited to a party to celebrate someone graduating from basic training in the Army?

A No, you do not have to give a gift; however, you might want to reciprocate in some way by either sending the graduate a funny card or buying him lunch.

Codes + Conduct: Gift for Gallery Opening
Q A good friend has invited me to a gallery reception featuring her paintings. Should I send flowers or a plant or something to the gallery? I want to do the right thing. HELP! The showing is this week!

A No, do not send a plant because artists hang their paintings in blank space and the opening is about her painting, not a vase of flowers. You might send flowers to her home or offer to take her out to dinner after the opening or at another time. The best thing you can do for an artist is support their work by telling friends to check out the exhibition.

Codes + Conduct: Gift to Actor
Q What is proper to give to a male actor after a performance? For women most people give them flowers but what should you give a male actor?

A Traditionally, you would give an actor a bottle of Cognac, so that when friends come to his dressing room after the performance he can give them a drink that does not require ice or being chilled.

Codes + Conduct: Gift to Godparents?
Q Do I give a gift to godparents when the baby is baptized?

A No, you do not need to give a gift to the godparents; however, you could include a photograph of the your baby with the godparents along with your thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Gifts to Non-Profits in Lieu of a Birthday Present
Q Dear Didi:

I am turning 40 this August and my husband is throwing me a party at an upscale banquet hall in our area. Ten years ago my grandmother, who I was very close to, died from Alzheimer's and I would like to make a donation in her name. Can I ask guests to make a small donation in lieu of gifts or would that be tacky? I'm almost thinking it might be so can you suggest any ideas of how I can do this without putting pressure on people?

A You certainly can suggest that guests "send a small check" in your name to the Alzheimer's organization of your choice. Just be sure to include the exact name of the Alzheimer's organization, the correct address and the fact that the donation is tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. This is best done on a separate card that accompanies the invitation. Remember that the gift is being given to you and not to your grandmother, because there will be some guests who never knew her. You in turn are giving all funds raised to the organization in her name.

Ahead of time, be sure to communicate with the organization because you will want to be notified of all gifts so that you can hand write thank-you notes to your guests. The organization will send an acknowledgment of the gift to the donor for their tax records. Also, you will want to verify the organization's name, address, and the exact wording of the tax deduction information for the card. It might be worded this way (insert your own information and center the words on the accompanying card):

In lieu of a birthday present
Caroline prefers that a small check
be sent to
Alzheimer's Research
P.O. Box 2233
Newport, RI 02840

Thank you for your contribution.
Your gift is tax deductible to
the full extent allowed by law.

Codes + Conduct: Gifts When Visiting
Q Should I bring a gift when visiting a friend who has just moved in with her fiance? We have recently reconnected after not having seen each other for a year or so.
Thanks so much.

A If you are going for coffee, bring cookies. If you are going for drinks, bring wine or cheese. It is always good to arrive with something in your hand. Giving is always good.

Codes + Conduct: Gifts: 75
Q What do you get for a woman's 75th birthday?


A By the time one turns seventy-five most people are trying to get rid of "stuff" and the idea of accumulating more "stuff" is not appealing. Why not give the woman a gift certificate for a local restaurant or bookstore, that way she can choose how she would like to spend her time. Alternatively, if you think she might like a manicure or/and pedicure, massage, or facial, why not give her a gift certificate to a local spa. Gift cards for gas and groceries are also welcome by many.

Codes + Conduct: Giving Boss Notice for Surgery
Q How to tell you boss you are having surgery.

A As soon as possible schedule an appointment with your boss and tell her you are having surgery. You only need to tell her what she needs to know: When your last day at work would be and the date you anticipate returning to your job.

Codes + Conduct: Giving Notice
Q What is the least acceptable notice to give an employer when you are going to leave a job for a new one?

A The more time you give your boss to replace you, the better your future recommendations from him will be. Two weeks notice is acceptable, but a month's notice is preferable.

Codes + Conduct: God Bless You When You Sneeze
Q Why do we say God bless you when someone sneezes?

A Before antibiotics and penicillin people would often die from a bad cold, and the sneeze often signifies that a person has a bad cold. So: people would say "God bless you" because they meant God bless you so you don't die from your cold.

Codes + Conduct: Godmother's Duties
Q I was asked to be my nephews' godmother; what are my responsibilities?

A The most recent liturgies in the Christian faith greatly emphasize the responsibilities of parents and godparents and these are described by the priest at the start of the baptism ceremony. A godmother is chosen because she is a member of the family or a close friend. It may differ from denomination to denomination, but boys usually have two godfathers and one godmother. During the ceremony you would hold one nephew at a time until the priest takes the child from you and you would join with the parents in the responses. The duties of the godparent don't end at the church and the christening gift. You are a Christian role model and a spiritual mentor for the children not just during childhood but into adulthood. It is your duty to form a bond with each nephew.

Codes + Conduct: Godparents Financial Responsibility
Q Are the godparents of the groom responsible for any expenses of his wedding?

A Godparents hold a deeply religious role in the life of their godchild, which has nothing, whatsoever, to do with money. Godparents are not financially obligated to their godchildren.

Codes + Conduct: Going Away Party - Asking for Gifts
Q I am hosting a going away party for my son (he is moving to California, we live in Vermont). What is the proper way to ask the guests to bring a housewarming gift for him? He is 21 years old and the first time on his own.

A Family doesn't solicit gifts for family gracefully. It is a hard thing to do. I am a huge believer in word of mouth. Don't mention gifts on the invitation, but if guests ask, recommend a gift card from a major chain. Don't expect gifts, don't ask for them, but be prepared to mention the name of a couple of chain stores in his new neighborhood, should people ask.

Codes + Conduct: Golf Etiquette
Q Would you please send me a list of what I need to know about etiquette on the golf course? Thank you!

A Here is a section on Golf Etiquette that I've taken from the United States Golf Association website:

The overriding principle of Etiquette is that consideration should be shown to others on the course at all times. There are 8 topics that make up the "Etiquette Section", the first which we already covered in the introduction.

The Spirit of the Game
As golf is played without the supervision of an umpire or referee, the individuals participating are responsible for playing by the Rules. Regardless of how competitive a player may be, he should conduct himself in a disciplined manner, demonstrating courtesy and sportsmanship at all times.

Safety
While golf may not be considered a "contact" sport, there are safety guidelines that must be followed. Before making a practice swing or a stroke, players should ensure that no one is standing close by or in a position to be hit by the club. Depending on the lie, the swing or stroke may result in stones, pebbles, twigs, etc. to fly and others should be clear of this potential hazard. In addition to those in the group, players should also be mindful of those on the course, whether in a group ahead, or on a different hole. Don't be embarrassed to shout "fore" if there is a danger of hitting someone.

Consideration for Other Players
Whether on the teeing ground, the putting green or in between, players should be careful not to disturb other players by moving, talking or making unnecessary noise. Additionally, the player can make the round more enjoyable for those in his group by simply positioning himself in an area that won't cause a distraction; for example, on the putting green, standing away from another player's line of putt to avoid casting a shadow over his line of putt. Players should remain on or close to the putting green until all other players in the group have holed out.

Pace of Play and Priority on the Course
It is important to play at a good pace at all times, even during a casual round not in competition. It is a group's responsibility to keep up with the group in front, not in front of the group behind. A group is encouraged to invite the group behind to play through if it is falls a clear hole behind. There are many ways to improve pace of play without waiving or modifying the Rules of Golf, such as noting wind and yardage as others are playing, taking several clubs to the ball if riding in a cart, observing the line of putt while others are playing, and playing a provisional ball if the ball may be lost outside a water hazard or out of bounds. A group's pace of play determines its priority on the course. A faster group of 3 should have priority over a slower group of 2.

Care of the Course
The superintendent and his crew work long hard hours to provide the best possible conditions for play. To preserve these conditions, players should avoid causing damage to the course throughout the round. Avoid removing divots when taking practice swings or by hitting the head of a club into the ground. Also, around the putting green use care when placing bags or the flagstick on the ground and removing the flagstick from the hole and properly replace it once play of the hole is complete. Observe local notices regulating the movement of golf carts. Always leave the course in better condition than you found it, and repair any damage you may have accidentally created. Examples include smoothing footprints in bunkers, repairing any divot holes and ball marks on the putting green.

Penalties for Breach
A player is not penalized for a minor isolated breach of etiquette. However, if a player consistently disregards these guidelines during a round or over a period of time, and has an effect on others, it is recommended that the Committee consider taking appropriate disciplinary action. Such action may include prohibiting play for a limited time on the course or in a certain number of competitions. This is considered to be justifiable in terms of protecting the interest of the majority of golfers who wish to play in accordance with these guidelines. In the case of a serious breach of etiquette, the Committee may disqualify a player under Rule 33-7.

If players follow the guidelines in this section, it will make the game more enjoyable for everyone. As a player, you can be a leader following good etiquette yourself and provide a good example to those around you.

Codes + Conduct: Golf Etiquette Tips
Q What etiquette do I need to know my first time out at a private club golf course? As a guest, I don't want to make a fool out of myself and be the annoying newbie. Thank you.

A As I am not a golfer (tennis and sailing are my passion), I've culled these etiquette tips from Bill Pennington's recent article in the New York Times. He makes it crystal-clear that golf is all about decorum:

Golf Etiquette Tips:

Don't stand in another player's line of sight or move or speak when the other player is about to hit.

Don't play from the wrong tees, which are traditionally the championship or back tees, if you're not breaking 90.

Don't forget to read up on your rules, but if you do see that a rule is not being adhered to, back off and don't point out the mistake. After the game is over, while hanging out at the bar is the time to bring up the discrepancy in conversation, saying, I am wondering what your thoughts on this are.....

Don't make excuses for bad shots. Nobody likes a whiner.

Don't yell, even if you've found your ball. Concentrate on what's going on around you. Even if your buddies don't mind your chatter, the players in the adjacent tee might not.

Don't forget that giving advice on the golf course can be a two-stroke penalty.

Don't cheat. Lots of people do by using winter rules in June: they roll their ball over to a smoother lie on the rough. They think nobody is looking when they kick their ball out from under the shrubs. Not cheating includes not putting out 3-footers and calling them gimmies.

Don't take too many practice swings. Practice on your own time, not when others behind you are waiting their turn. Only take one practice stroke.

Don't brag about your equipment.

Don't use your cellphone. This is considerated to be the single most annoying way to irritate other players, even your friends. Leave the office at the office.

Codes + Conduct: Golf Etiquette: Cellphone Usage
Q Cellphone usage...Is it appropriate for a cellphone to be used on the course by one of the 4 some players other than in the case of an emergency?

A Most clubs ban the use of cellphones in the clubhouse and on grounds. If the code is not being honored, then speak to the management in order to have notices sent out to members banning all use of cellphones on premises.

Codes + Conduct: Golf Etiquette: Rubber Necking Golf Carts
Q Golf cart etiquette...What is the appropriate golf cart positioning etiquette...Let's assume the 4-some in front is not on the tee but waiting for the tee box. Do you pull up to the waiting 4-some or do you hold back until the 4-some has teed off?

A It is customary to hold back until the foursome have teed off. Invading the tee box at tee off is an invasion of other member's space.

Codes + Conduct: Golf: Guest Green Fees
Q At my upscale golf club, there is an unwritten rule that a guest offers to pay his green fee and, depending upon the circumstance, this is either excepted or refused. My problem is that my longtime golfing buddy does not pay the annual club dues. I am the member and it annoys me more and more that he never offers to pay. At first it didn't bother me so much, but now with the economy in a slump, I would like him to start paying his green fee. Can you suggest how I can get him to pay without my feeling like a stinge? Thanks.

A On the one hand, the longer that you wait to ask him to start paying his green fee, the harder it will be. On the other, you need to remind him politely that you have been paying his green fees for a long time before asking him to start reimbursing you each time you play. Ideally, if you got a foursome going out, it would give you the opportunity to bring up the subject of exactly what the green fee is per person. You can bring up the subject by getting on to the topic of various green fees in the area. Or even by mentioning that the green fee used to be so much, say ten years ago, but now it is twice as much. One of the men will inevitably say something such as, "Just tell me what I owe you and I'll give you a check when we get back to the clubhouse." Then you can tell the three men what the fee is per person. When the other two men are handing you either cash or checks over beers back at the clubhouse, your buddy will get the picture and pay up. If he doesn't, at another time you'll have to say, "The etiquette (or drill) in this club is, although you are a member's guest, you offer to pay your green fee." Leave it at that. If he offers to reimburse you for prior fees, you can say, "Why don't you give me a couple of hundred and we'll call it a day." If he doesn't offer, you cannot very well ask him for back fees now. It is up to him to do the right thing. This way you are not being a stinge, but you are making it crystal-clear that you are not going to pay his green fees going forward.

Codes + Conduct: Golfing Mishap
Q What if I damage someone's property with my golf ball, i.e. break a window?

A A gentleman would offer to pay for the broken window no matter what the expense. Only a cad would shirk his responsibility.

Codes + Conduct: Good Manners
Q Dear Didi,

Your website has much to offer, though I have not seen any updates recently. When might we expect more? The dos and don'ts lists put in one place so much of what we've been telling our kids!

Best wishes!

Marcel R. Badart

A I thought that this answer to a question similar to yours that I received this morning would interest you:

People who don't have good manners recognize that you have good manners because you behave differently than they do. On the one hand, you cannot teach old dogs new tricks, but you can appreciate it when the spouse does something well-mannered. For instance, if you are out at a good restaurant and you come back from the ladies room and he stands, then you tell him how special that made you feel. Also, tell him that when you are all dressed up and are going out that you like it when he opens the car door for you. When he does remember to do that, then not only thank him but tell him that you appreciate the fact that he remembered. People love to be thanked, so if you thank him every time he does something well-mannered, then you reinforce the fact that you appreciate him. Table manners are harder because you learn those at the table with your parents when you are very young and they stick with you. When he licks his fingers, puts his elbows on the table, and slurps his coffee, you can tell him lots of times, but unfortunately it goes in one ear and out the other. You can, however, subtly point out how well-mannered certain people you both come in contact with are and point those out and if he wants to please you, he might pick up on it. If nothing else works, then tell him how you feel. Just say it annoys you because you know that he knows better and you just cannot get over the fact that he doesn't care about pleasing you. You can try the "People like us do it this way" or "People like us just don't do that," but it might have the reverse affect. Perhaps, if there are lots of issues, you should pick the ones that annoy you the most and work on those.

Codes + Conduct: Grace + Toast
Q In writing a schedule of events for a brochure for a school Christmas Brunch, what is said first, the toast or grace?
Thank you.

A The grace or the blessing always comes before the toast. The grace blesses those attending the event, the toast welcomes the guests.

Codes + Conduct: Gracious Exit From Book Club
Q Dear Didi,

I recently joined an acquaintance's book club, and when she asked me to join she told me about how past members had quit after only a short time and how disappointed everyone in the group was that they could not stick with the commitment.

Now after three months I would like to quit because I really do not enjoy this particular group of women.

I am seeking your advice on the best way to end my commitment to the club. I wanted to send them an e-mail, but I don't know how to word it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks,
Marcela

A In my opinion, you definitely can send the other members of-the book club an e-mail; however, don't send an e-mail blast. Instead, bcc the list so that it seems more personal. Better yet, take the time to personalize each individual message with a greeting: for instance, Dear Jane or Hi Jane. The best excuse is to say that you are too busy. Basically, you would write something such as this:
I am terribly sorry but I now find that I cannot make the time commitment that is needed to continue in the book club. At this point in time, other priorities are taking precedence. As much as I enjoyed your company, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day to fulfill my many obligations. Sadly, I have had to prioritize my time. Thank you so much for including me in the club. I will look back on my book club experience with fond memories.

Codes + Conduct: Graduate School Announcement
Q What kind of written announcement is appropriate for Doctor of Veterinary Medicine?

A These days so many people are getting a multiple of degrees that sending out personal announcements to family and friends, except to your local newspaper, is just not done. If you wish to take out an advertisement announcing your practice, telephone your local paper or go online and place the ad. Better yet, have a party and invite your friends to help you celebrate.

Codes + Conduct: Graduate School Gifts
Q Is it appropriate to give a graduation gift to a graduate school graduate? A young woman who works with me was told by her mother that when she graduates with her MBA, she doesn't get gifts from friends and can't send announcements.

A It is totally appropriate to give a graduation gift to a graduate school graduate. The young woman can do whatever she wants. However, these days when so many young people are graduating from college and graduate school, families are more apt to use the family holiday letter, which is inserted in the Christmas card, to update family and friends on their family's accomplishments during the year.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation + Birthday Gift for 18 Year Old
Q We are thowing a Graduation and 18th birthday party for my daughter in June and she would prefer money to gifts. Is it okay to say as much on the invitation?

A In my opinion, family does not solicit money for family. If you wish to help your daughter collect bounty, why not research the town where she will be attending college to find out which stores have gift cards and through word of mouth pass along the names of those stores to your friends and relatives? Be sure to include the name of her college bookstore because she'll need lots of gift card cards to buy her books. This way you cut down on how much baggage you have to cart to college because your daughter will be able to use, say, her Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, Walmart, card to furnish her room when she sees what exactly she needs. The same with clothing because it is difficult to anticipate what other students will be wearing in the fall, so it would be better if she receives gift cards to chain clothing stores such as Express, Banana Republic, Gap or Anthropology. It is not okay to ask for money for a relative on an invitation: however, there is no rule carved in stone. Across from the RSVP write, "Gift cards requested." Then when your guests RSVP, they will ask you which gift cards your daughter would like.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation and Confirmation Gifts
Q I have numerous friends' children graduating from High School. What is the going rate for monetary gifts? Confirmation? The $$ is not the issue, just don't want to over-give or under-give.



A  It would depend upon the area in the country where you live because wealthier communities are more likely to give larger gifts. Twenty to twenty-five dollars seems like a reasonable range.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Announcement Response
Q I received an announcement of graduation from college. Does this mean a gift is expected?

A It is perfectly acceptable just to send a congratulatory card to the graduate or a handwritten personal note. If you can afford to include a check, no matter how small, I am sure the recipient will greatly appreciate your generosity.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Announcements
Q What is appropriate for sending out college graduation announcements?

A Usually the college gives the student announcements to send out. If the college does not furnish these, the college coop might have some printed up, which can be purchased. Or you could buy cards with photos of the college and send them to friends telling of your good news. Mostly nowadays, parents include that kind of news in a holiday letter to family and friends that chronicles all the family's good news for the year.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Announcements but No Invitations
Q I received two graduation 'announcements' but they did not include invitations to the graduation corresponding parties. Am I obligated to send a gift? Your assistance is appreciated. Thank you!

A No, you are not required to send a gift if you do not attend the party.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Announcements for Classmates
Q When graduating from high school, do you send graduation announcements to fellow classmates?

A No, you would not send announcements to fellow classmates because they will be graduating; also, so it might seem redundant. Announcements are usually sent to family friends and relatives to tell them the young adult is graduating.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Cap
Q Correct side of graduation cap for tassle?

A Left side.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Etiquette: Master's + Doctor's Tassel Etiquette
Q How do I wear my cap for a master's degree?

A Master's and doctor's candidates wear their caps with the attached tassel hanging to the left.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Etiquette: Tassel Etiquette
Q Before the graduation ceremony, which side should the tassle be on?

A It depends upon the school because some schools move the tassel, but others do not. You need to check with your school, as it does differ from school to school. Candidates for a bachelor's degree wear the mortarboard (cap) so that it sits parallel to the ground with the tassel hanging to the right. During the ceremony, the officiate will tell you to move the tassel from the right front side of your mortarboard to the left as a mark of the official awarding of your degree.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Gift
Q Do you give gifts to college graduates when they send you an invitation?


A You would not be required to give the college graduate a gift unless you attend his graduation; however, a handwritten note enclosing a small check, if you can afford it, would be greatly appreciated by any young person starting off in life.

Codes + Conduct: Graduation Gifts
Q Do you give a gift for the graduation announcement and then another gift for the grad. party? One one day the other the next day?

A One gift is sufficient per graduate.

Codes + Conduct: Grandparents Not Listed on Birth Annnoncement
Q Grandparents divorced on Birth announcement

A Traditionally, the grandparents are not listed on the birth announcement that one mails to one's friends. If you are asking about the birth announcement in the newspaper, then it would be like this:

The maternal grandparents are Mr. Louis L. Lorillard and Mrs. Elaine G. Lorillard; the paternal grandparents are Mr. George H. Warren and Mrs. John D. Sherman.

Codes + Conduct: Greeting + Meeting
Q Do you sit when greeting/meeting someone?

A When you are introduced to anyone, even if you have already met, you stand unless you are confined to a wheel chair. For further advice as to how to handle this kind of a situation, please read the first chapter of my book, The Newport Book of Manners, which you will find if you click on the Home Page at the top of this Web page.

Codes + Conduct: Greeting a Duchess
Q How do you greet a Duchess at a Black Tie occasion/dinner? Do you bow? What do you say as a greeting? How do you say good-bye (again bowing or not)?

A In this country, you would call a duchess by her title and surname, and you would not use her given name. You would wait for her to put out her hand before extending yours. If she doesn't extend her hand for a handshake, then briefly hold your hands behind your back to signal that you understand that she does not wish to be touched. If you are from a Western European country, you could bow. Otherwise you would not be expected to bow. If you are looking for something to talk about with her, you could start by discussing the occasion you are both attending and how you know the host or your affiliation with the organization. Once again, when you say good-bye, you wouldn't be expected to bow unless you are from Western Europe.

Codes + Conduct: Greeting A Foreign Ambassador
Q Hosting Chinese Ambassador at official dinner: what is the proper way for the host to greet the Ambassador once he arrives at the official residence?

A Upon arrival, you would greet him as "Mr. Ambassador"; however, in subsequent conversation you would call him "Sir."

Codes + Conduct: Greeting a Madam Mayor
Q What is a courteous respectful greeting for a female mayor?

A In conversation, it is customary to address an important official by title and not by name; therefore, you would greet her saying, "Madam Mayor." When introducing her, she is The Honorable Jane Austen. In speaking with her, you would use Mayor Austen.

Codes + Conduct: Greeting People
Q What are the rules on greeting people?

A There are no rules carved in stone or etiquette police to enforce them. Over times, rules change. For instance, nowadays people are less likely to want to shake hands in fear of germ contamination. If you would like to read about how to greet people, please return to my Web site where you will see the first chapter of my book on the Home Page, which will tell you lots about introductions and greeting people. If you still have any questions, please ask them in the question box and I will give you a proper answer.

Codes + Conduct: Greeting: Who Speaks First
Q Who is supposed to greet the other person first, the person entering a room or a person already in the room?

A The person entering the room or workplace announces his or her arrival with a greeting to the person already in the room. The exception would be at a party where the host would be stationed at the door to welcome his or her guests.

Codes + Conduct: Greetings
Q What to do when a greeting is not returned? Why do some people find it unnecessary to greet people?

A On the whole, we have to cut people a lot of slack when it comes to manners and greeting. If someone is in a bad mood, they might, indeed, ignore you because they are so distracted by their own problems and unhappiness that they just can't acknowledge anybody else. Go up the ladder and give people the benefit of a doubt. For instance, when I go out socially and don't have my glasses on, it's always tricky when someone from across the room waves to me and I don't recognize them and think they are signally to someone else. I've learned that I have to smile at them anyway until I get up close enough to recognize his/her face.

Codes + Conduct: Grooming: Pedicures
Q Should you cut your own toenails prior to going to the spa for a pedicure?


A No, you do not need to cut your own toenails prior to going to a spa. The person giving you the pedicure will cut your toenails for you.

Codes + Conduct: Grooming: Toothpick in Private
Q When is it proper to use a toothpick? Should you walk around with one in your mouth?

A When you feel the need to use a toothpick, leave the company of whomever you are with and use the toothpick in privacy.

Codes + Conduct: Grooming: Waxing for Pap Smear
Q When going for a pap smear, does it matter if your bushy down there?


A No, the doctor is a professional and whether or not you have a Brazilian bikini wax or not is not the issue. The patient's health is the motivating factor.

Codes + Conduct: Guest Etiquette: How to Get New Girlfriend Invited
Q I'm a 47-year-old divorced man. I've been single for ten years, but serial dating, and most of my friends invite me to parties as a single man. Now that I am dating someone seriously for the first time in a long time, I want my friends to invite her, so that they can get to know her. A friend just called to ask me to come to dinner. I'm sure that I'm being set up as the extra man for the extra woman. I want to see my friends and I really want my friends to meet my wonderful girlfriend. I stalled saying that I wasn't sure of my plans and would call them back today. How do I get her invited?

A Breaking the good news to friends can be awkward, especially when you don't know whether you've been a guest all these years because you are single or because they just like your good company. You could call it the acid test. If they want you, they'll have to accept your girlfriend. It is that simple. Stall no longer, pick up that phone and say, "The reason I had to get back to you is because I wasn't sure that our plans were solidified. I had invited my girlfriend, Charlotte, out for dinner and she wasn't sure if she had to work or not. She is free and I am hoping that we can both come to dinner because I really want you to meet her. She is very funny and a great conversationalist." Wait for the response. You might be asked, "How serious is this Harry?" Then you need to say. "It is serious, Louise." Then Louise is forced to make her intentions of inviting you crystal-clear, by bowing out and saying she was inviting you as an extra man or inviting Charlotte. Listen to her words. If she says, "Gee, Harry, I hate to lose a good extra man," you know that she is not about to invite your girlfriend. But since you're in for a dime you're in for a dollar, you turn it around and say, "Well, maybe we can all have dinner next Friday at The Black Pearl, how about seven o'clock?" Then Louise either says, that will be fine, or she says, "We would love to meet your new girlfriend, dinner's at eight. The dress is casual."

Codes + Conduct: Guest Etiquette: When You Cannot Eat the Food
Q I teach Social Graces and Etiquette to young people and adults at a Community College in California. This morning I had the following question and wondered if you had a better answer than myself:
A gentleman who attended the class told me that he goes to dinner at his sister-in-law's on a regular basis, but her food is inedible. It's very difficult for him because it's his wife's sister. He has tried everything even offering to take the meal. I suggested he say he has become a vegetarian but they know that isn't true. He could eat before he goes. He could just tell his wife. It's not a case of putting the food that he doesn't like on the side of the plate; he just can't eat her food and he can't not go. Do you have any other suggestions?

A He should do what anorexics do. They shuffle their food around their plate to make it look as if they are eating. If paper napkins are being used, he could leave his napkin nonchalantly on the plate so that when the food is scrapped off, she might not realize how much he actually did not eat. He also might suggest that they eat out Dutch Treat. Chances are, she might like a break in cooking. People who do not cook well usually do not like to cook, so eating out would be a great solution.

Codes + Conduct: Gum Chewing
Q The proper way to chew gum?

A If you have to chew gum to freshen your mouth, keep your mouth closed and don't talk until you've disposed of it properly. Otherwise, gum chewing is only appropriate on airplanes to keep your ears clear.

Codes + Conduct: Gum Chewing
Q When is it inappropriate to chew gum? Is it appropriate in church?

A Get real: Gum chewing is only appropriate on an airplane because you are clearing your ears.

Codes + Conduct: Gum Chewing
Q Is it good manners to chew gum, cracking and slopping around with it in someone's face?

A Gum chewing should only be done on airplanes to keep your ears clear. It is never good manners to chew gum and certainly not to crack gum, though I must admit that I do like making those little bubbles and cracking them inside my mouth and out.

Codes + Conduct: Gum Chewing
Q How do I tell my friends that gum chewing makes them look cheap and tacky? At parties my friends chew gum so that they eat less and have good breath. What they don't understand is that the kind of boys that they like don't like to see them chewing gum. My brother says that I should tell them, but I don't know how.

A Gum chewers wrongly imagine that their habit is discreet. Without directly criticizing a friend, because criticism destroys friendships, engage her in a conversation the next time you see her chomping away by sweetly inquiring, "How do you avoid forgetting where you are and just chew away? My brother and his friends say that they don't like to see girls chewing gum, so I don't do it because it makes me feel self-conscious."

Remember that you are doing your friend(s) a favor. Would you tell a friend at a party that she has salad between her teeth or a price tag hanging off her sweater? Of course you would.

Codes + Conduct: Hair Transplant: What to Say
Q I am going to a Christmas Party where I know that I will see an old friend of mine who I've heard has had a hair transplant. I hear that it is obvious. His hair started receding when we were teenagers. Obviously he is going to figure that I notice it, but I am not sure what I should say? Do I call attention to it? It would be pretty hard to pretend that I don't notice, the way one pretends that a woman friend's face lift never happened because she is so naturally beautiful. Thanks for your help

A Why not congratulate him on his appearance? He wouldn't have gone through all the trouble to get a hair transplant, if he didn't want people to see his new hair. Say something such as, "You look fantastic." Since a good hair transplant is supposed to look natural, you'll make your friend feel as though his money was well spent because the transformation has had the desired effect. Don't address the subject directly, just tell him that he looks great and let him glow. If the subject is brought up, it is because he wants to talk about it, not you.

Codes + Conduct: Handling Bad Behavior
Q How do we handle a supervisor who tells grandiose stories and we all know that he is a habitual liar?

A Ignore grown-ups who behave badly. Don't feed into their bad behavior by giving attention to it.

Codes + Conduct: Hat Etiquette
Q As a male I know that you are to remove your hat when you are indoors. Where did that role of etiquette come from? Why is it the standard?

A A hat protects the head from bad weather or strong sun, when you go inside you no longer need the protection. When you go inside you take off your hat, coat, gloves and boots because you no longer need them. You would not sit down to the dinner table wearing your coat and gloves, so why would you leave on your hat?

Codes + Conduct: Hat Manners
Q What are proper hat manners?

A Hats are left at the door. The only places hats stay on inside might be in a train station, subway, bus, taxi, airport, mall supermarket, ferry boat, department store, sports arena.

Codes + Conduct: Hats
Q What is the correct etiquette for hats and where did it start?

A People started wearing hats to protect their heads and faces from the rain, snow and sun. Aside for reasons of weather, hats are traditionally worn at weddings, garden parties, horse races and polo matches. The most important rule to remember about women and hats is that you don't want your hat to block the view of the person seated behind you. Unlike men, women can keep their hats on inside.

Codes + Conduct: Hats Off in the Classroom
Q Why is it a sign of disrespect to wear a hat in the classroom?

A If everyone wore a hat in the classroom, only the people in the front rows would be able to see the teacher. It is like elbows on the table, if everyone puts their elbows on a dinner table covered with plates, glasses, cups, water bottles, etc., the overcrowded table might become even messier from spills that are apt to be made. Why should one person be allowed to wear a hat, if the rest are considerate enough to know that taking their hat off enables everyone to see the blackboard? Manners are all about consideration for others.

Codes + Conduct: He Gave Me His Number Do I Call First?
Q How soon to call after receiving a person's number or does the man always call?

A No, men don't always call, even if they gave you their number. They like to receive phone calls because it massages their ego. If he has your number, let him call you first.

Codes + Conduct: Helicopter Parents
Q I don't want to be one of those helicopter parents you read about who are always buzzing and hovering around the school at the least provocation. I am hoping you will tell me how to solve diplomatically a huge problem at my child's middle school. Everyday for lunch the kids are fed greasy, soggy, cold pizza from the pizzeria across the street from school. My kid has two and half more years of eating what is referred to as "disgusting" pizza. How can I make a change without making a spectacle of myself?

A You need to be tough and proactive in getting better quality lunches for your child's school now. Few parents know that it is their right under the law to have a say in what food is served to their child. You have two options: You can wait until the 2006-2007 academic year when the new federal government funding for healthier school meals kicks into your child's school budget and see what happens, or you can start the ball rolling now.

Telephone your principal's office and set up an appointment, but don't say why because you may be stalled. In the meantime go on the Internet search engines or to your public library and look for non-profit organizations that explain how to deal with problems within the school. For instance, you might try these Web sites: www.parentsaction.org and www.actionforhealthykids.org. If you print out suggested weekly menus and budgets, it will give the principal some homework. If you can find a pal or two to go with you, all the better. It is better to show the school you are proactive now than wait until you see the new menu because they'll say it is too late to complain. As it is, the school will try to stall you on improving the quality of food now until they get their funding, but it is your right to voice your opinion now. At your meeting, tell the principal that your ad hoc group would like to set up a meeting with the school nutritionist and whomever else plans the school menus. Find out exactly what the meal budget is currently and what he anticipates it will be for 2006-2007. If the staff knows that a task force is watching the cafeteria, it will be more careful about what's going on in the pantry.

Codes + Conduct: Helping the Waiter
Q At a restaurant, is it impolite to try to help the waiter or waitress by cleaning and stacking plates after dinner?

A It is best to let the server handle the plates in a restaurant because this is how he earns his tip.

Codes + Conduct: Helping With Miscarriage
Q A co-worker and his wife just went through a miscarriage of twins. Besides being there and offering support, is it appropriate to send something to them...fruit, flowers, card?

A No, it is best to let it slide. You do not want to put them in the position of having to send thank-you notes because they lost their babies. It would be better to offer your support by taking them out to brunch, lunch, or dinner at another time.

Codes + Conduct: High Five Response
Q Where is it an insult to wave with your palm facing towards the person?

A That sounds like a high five, which is a friendly way of responding and making contact. Don't be alarmed when a palm comes at you because the person is only trying to make unsexual familiar contact. When my tennis instructor does it to me after a good lesson, I just raise my right hand flat up to meet his, which is coming towards me.

Codes + Conduct: High School and College Graduation Gifts
Q What is the appropriate money gift for graduation high school and college please?

A It would depend upon how close of a relationship you have to the graduate, how much the graduate needs to go on to college or graduate school, and how much you can afford to give. Anywhere between $25 and $2,500 would be appropriate. For instance, if you are a grandparent and your grandchild is off to college, you might give on the high end to help keep her/him from going into debt. On the other hand, if you don't know the graduate but he is the son of a friend and he is not going on to college, then you might send her/him twenty-five dollars, if you can afford it.

Codes + Conduct: High School Graduation Etiquette
Q Do the audience or teachers stand for the graduates during the procession at a commencement? This is a high school commencement...

A Yes, of course, everyone stands when their high school student(s) process(es) at their commencement.

Codes + Conduct: His or Her Name First
Q Is there protocol for whose name goes first when signing a card - man or waoman? Does it matter if they are married or not? What is the proper way to address an envelope for a man and woman not married - man's name first or woman's name first?

A If the recipient is a closer friend of the woman, it would be signed with her name and then his. If the recipient is an long-time friend of the man, his name would appear first. The envelope would be the same, unless one of them has lived at the address longer.

Codes + Conduct: His or Her Name First
Q When listing the parent's names, is it Bev & Greg Noland or Greg & Bev Noland?

A I am a big fan of "Ladies First" so, I always list the woman's name first; however, you will more commonly see the man's name first because most people follow the code of Mr. and Mrs., where the reference to the man's name comes first. So: if it is a formal occasion, you might use the man's name first, if it is a semiformal or informal situation, you might use the woman's name first.

Codes + Conduct: History of the Thank-You Note
Q Can you provide me with the history of the thank-you note?
My husband thinks it is a "nicety surely invented by a woman".
This serves as his excuse for not sending them.
Thank You,
barbara
thank you

A The thank-you note dates back at least to feudal times when neighboring lords sent gifts through couriers either as tokens of goodwill or in anticipation of connecting the two families (as well as their land) and the courier would return to his master with a note of thanks and perhaps a gift. The note of thanks was an acknowledgment from the receiver to the giver assuring him that the courier delivered the goods. Even today, a thank-you note is a receipt to acknowledge that a gift was received, and, let us hope, appreciated.

Codes + Conduct: Holding Open the Door
Q How does one properly hold a door open for another when one must cross their path to do so? For example, we are both at the door at the same time. The door opens outward towards the other person on the other side of the door. I am male and often run into this with ladies in my office and am not quite sure how to handle it. I cannot hold the door open from the inside to allow them and do not want to appear rude.

Thank you,
Jeff

A I don't understand why you cannot hold the door open from the inside to allow the woman to walk through---unless it is a narrow door. If that is the case, the best thing to do is to say, "After you," and motion for her to go through the door first. If the woman is polite, she will then hold the door open for you to take. On the other hand, if the woman looks as if she needs help because, say, she is carrying something heavy, then walk through the door and hold it open on the other side until she passes through the threshold.

Codes + Conduct: Holiday Cards: Listing Family Names
Q When signing holiday cards with a family members' first names - does the husband's name go first, then wife and children, or the wife's name first, then husband's name and then individual children?

Thanks

A On the more formal printed card where the first names are printed in succession, you would start with the husband, next list the wife, and then the children in order of age. However, if the image on the card is a family portrait, then you might list the family members according to how they are formed in the photo. There are no rules carved in stone. For instance, if the holiday card is a photo of your family at your daughter's wedding with the bride and groom in the center, then you might put the newlyweds' names on the first line followed by the other family members from left to right. It depends upon your objective. For instance, if you have a formal card without a family photo, then you would list father, mother, children in order of age. If the card has, say, a photo of just the children, then you would list the parents' names on the top line (Jack and Elizabeth Winslow) and underneath you would list the children as they appear in the photo from left to right by first name, or nickname. The guideline is to have the style of the card consistent with your signature style and follow that formality, or informality. So: for a formal card, you would follow the formal style, for an informal card, you would name the family members to identify each one as they appear clockwise, or from left to right. Remember that you can individualize the more formal cards by striking a line through the last name to acknowledge that you are on a first name basis. You wouldn't want your family holiday card to look like a holiday business card. The recipient knows when you've taken time to think about who you are actually sending the card to when you add your own writing to the printed card. As an example, you might not have printed "With love," but you might add in your own writing "With love," and then put a line through the last name. People get so many cards these days that they cherish those that have a personalized touch, whether it is a photo, or a few handwritten words.

Codes + Conduct: Holiday Dress
Q Have been cordially invited to a customer appreciation holiday celebration in a grand hotel, with cocktails, dinner and music from 5:00 to 7:30. Holiday Dress suggested. What is proper for men, a suit? For women, is long dress okay, or dressy pants and top? What does holiday dress mean? Thank you in advance.

A Holiday Dress means festive dress. A man might wear a sports jackets with a holiday tie or a suit with a colorful tie. A woman would not necessarily wear a long dress because it is not a Black Tie affair, it is only for cocktails. A man and woman would wear cocktail attire with a splash of color. The woman might wear a sparkling top or a red dress, shoes or bag and dangling, glittering earrings. The man might wear red socks or a red handkerchief in his lapel pocket to match his festive tie.

Codes + Conduct: Holiday Gift Thank-Yous
Q Is it necessary to send a thank-you for Christmas gifts?

A It would help to know a bit more about the gift and the giver in order to give the appropriate answer so I will try different scenarios: If the recipient has not sent a present to the giver and has no intention of doing so, the recipient needs to send a thank-you note if he wants to sustain the relationship.

If a guest to your holiday party brings you a token gift (at the top of this Web page click on Frequently Asked Questions and go to Relationships: Token Gifts), you do not need to write a thank-you note unless it is a totally extravagant gift that has blown you away. If your mother-in-law gives you a cashmere sweater, you need to thank her and describe the present and why you like it. If a client gives you a gift, you need to write him a short handwritten thank-you note on your company stationery. If your boss gives you a gift, you do not need to write a note because it is considered a perk and he probably writes it off or puts it on his expense account. However, you do need to bring up the gift in conversation every now and then to show gratitude.

If the gift is from a close friend you communicate with often, it is probably understood that thank-you notes are unnecessary because you've brought the gift up in conversation and he knows you are grateful. So by now you should be able to get the gist of thank-you notes: people in your everyday life don't need a thank-you note because you've acknowledged your appreciation orally.

However, if the gift is from a lover, you have the perfect excuse to write a charming love letter or a whimsical txt mesg saying, "GR8 GFT C U 2NITE."

If I have not answered your query to your satisfaction, please ask me the question again and include details. I would be happy to help you solve this problem.

Codes + Conduct: Holiday Tipping
Q How do I know how much to tip at Christmas? Whom do I tip?

A It is customary to tip people who work for you on a regular basis: barber, hairdresser, cleaning person, caregiver, doorman, janitor, handyman, cook, gardener, dog walker, personal trainer. It is nice to give the money in a festive card.

Codes + Conduct: Honor or Honour
Q Should I use the spelling, "honor" or "honour" on the wedding invitation?

A It is an interesting question. Using "honor" is American and "Honour" is English and Canadian. If you are vaguely British, you can get away with inserting the letter "u." Many feel that if you are not British, it is pretentious. It is your call.

Codes + Conduct: Honorary Degree Thank-You
Q My father received an honorary doctorate degree posthumously from a local university, should we send a fruit basket to the president of the college to say thanks or just a card?

A Just a card would be fine. If you do use a commercial card, be sure to write a personal note on the side to tell him how much you appreciate the great honor bestowed on your father.

Codes + Conduct: Honour or Honor
Q Is is proper to spell "honour" instead of "honor" for a baby shower invitation? Please let me know ASAP. THANKS

A The spelling for the word "honor" as "honour" is the formal form for wedding and christening invitations. "Honour" is only used in England; it would be pretentious to use it for at baby shower invitation.

Codes + Conduct: Hostess Gift
Q How do I determine how much to spend and the type of gift for a couple who recently invited me to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday?

A It would depend upon how long you spent with your friends: if you were there for the whole four days of the Thanksgiving holiday or if you were just visiting for Thanksgiving dinner. It is often not the amount that you spend but the thoughtfulness of the gift. If you do not have money to spare, it would be pretentious to spend more than you can afford. On the other hand, if you have the same income as your host, then estimate what it might have cost them to feed you and respond in kind. An invitation is a social bid and when you are invited, it is assumed that you will reciprocate with a social bid of your own. If you were a houseguest for the long weekend, you would bring a present to be presented when you arrive and then you would take your host out for meals. If that is not the case and you are unable to reciprocate in kind, why not send them a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant? If you are more interested in sending an actual gift, try to remember something from the time you spent with them: one you can, say, a coffee table book on a subject they were interested in or a new novel they talked about. Women love to receive flowers, which can be sent anytime, before or after the visit. So: if you had a lovely Thanksgiving Dinner and did not bring along a bottle of champagne or box of chocolates, you might send the couple flowers along with a thank-you note. Alternatively, you might invite them out for dinner or Sunday brunch. I don't want to say it should be tit for tat, but you do want to show your appreciation if you wish to be invited back.

Codes + Conduct: Hostess Gift
Q What is the traditional gift to bring to someone's home when visiting for the first time?

A Without knowing anything about you or your host, traditionally, the gift is chocolates, preferably handmade chocolates in a small beautiful box.

Codes + Conduct: Hostess Gifts
Q Hello Didi, Is it proper to bring a Christmas present to a dear friend (widowed almost 2 years) who is giving a Dance for all her friends this Saturday? If so, what sort of thing would be appropriate? Excuse me for being long-winded but along the same vein what could one take to a friend who is giving a large Christmas tea next week? Many thanks for your help. Good manners never change but etiquette styles seem to evolve at the speed of light these days! Susan.

A In my opinion, you would not bring a gift to a dance. Assuming that the dance is not in the hostess' house, think about how she would manage transporting all the gifts home. But more importantly, how would the other guests feel if they hadn't brought a gift? Invitations to social events such as dances and teas are about reciprocation. The best way to reciprocate is with a return invitation, usually within the year. Obviously you don't have to host a dance or a tea, but you might invite that person for dinner, lunch, or even cocktails. If you do not plan on reciprocating the invitation, then the day after the dance send flowers or a book with a thank-you note, or follow up the flowers with a mailed thank-you note. At a large gathering, it might be inconvenient for the hostess to keep track of the gift, or, say, if you brought flowers, the hostess might not have an available vase. Or it might stress her out to feel that she has to make some great gesture or fanfare over your gift while at the same time she doesn't want guests who hadn't brought a gift to feel awkward. The best gift to bring with you to a tea is a box of handcrafted, beautifully wrapped chocolates that can be easily tucked away out of sight and sampled at another time. The best form of reciprocation is a return invitation.

Codes + Conduct: Hostess Name
Q The mother of the groom is giving the rehearsal dinner and is preparing invitations. She is sending invitations. How should her name appear on the invitation? Mrs. Sandra Meehan or Mrs. Joseph Meehan, or Ms. Joseph Meehan

A If the mother of the groom is a widow, then she would use Mrs. Joseph Meehan. If the mother of the groom is divorced and has not remarried, she is Mrs. Sandra Meehan or Ms. Sandra Meehan. In the past, if she was divorced and had not remarried, she would use her maiden name instead of her given name. So, traditionally, on a formal invitation, if her maiden name, say, is Winslow, she would use Mrs. Winslow Meehan.

Codes + Conduct: Hotel Etiquette: Addressing Bellman, Bellhop, Bellstaff
Q When addressing the bellman at a hotel, what should one call him/her? For instance, if one is leaving a note for the bellman, is it okay to address it to bellman or bellhop?

A The current correct word for people who wait on you is "waitstaff," The bellboy would now be called "bellstaff." Of course, a lot of people still use waiter or waitress, so you could certainly use bellman or bellhop.

Codes + Conduct: House Guest Etiquette: Dirty Linens
Q When you are a house guest, what do you do with your bed when you leave? Do you remake it or do you leave it unmade?

A Ask your host. Say, "What should I do with the sheets on my bed?" If the host is not available, fold the sheets, pillow cases, and any towels and washcloth you used and stack them at the foot of the bed. If the house is staffed with servants and you can afford to leave a tip, leave the bed unmade and a small tip on the night table. Five or ten dollars for each night depending upon how much extra time the staff member spent on you personally. For instance if they shined your shoes or pressed your clothing, you would tip on the generous side according to your ability. It is best to leave the cash in an envelope with the staff member's name on it with the words "thank you," but if there are no envelopes in the desk, don't worry about it, just leave the cash; they will appreciate it.

Codes + Conduct: House Names
Q Should house names be surrounded with quotation marks when addressing an envelope? I've been told not but the Green Book does.

A You are correct. House names are not surrounded by quotation marks because they are proper nouns, they are not quotes.

Codes + Conduct: Houseguest Etiquette
Q As a guest in a the home of a friend, what do I do with the towels after bathing?

A Hang up the damp towels and washcloth; however, on your last day you might want to strip the bed, fold the sheets, and stack the folded sheets and towels at the end of your bed. Unless, of course, your host instructs otherwise.

Codes + Conduct: Houseguest Etiquette
Q What is proper when staying with friends while on vacation (we're going down South)? Should I bring gifts for everyone in the family? Or should I prepare a meal for them while I'm there to thank them? Or should I just say Thank You?

A Arrive with a gift for your host and hostess. Depending upon how long you will be houseguests, try to administer an act of kindness every day, whether it is helping in the kitchen or taking your host and hostess out for a meal at the restaurant of their choice, or perhaps buying food or flowers. No, you do not have to bring gifts for everybody; however, if there are small children, small gifts for them will help them to be more welcoming. When you return home you would send a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note detailing all the many ways you are grateful for their hospitality.

Codes + Conduct: Housewarming Card
Q Should a housewarming card be sent to be at the new address when the new occupants arrive or sent after they have moved in?

A You might want to wait until they have moved in and the post office has made the change of address change.

Codes + Conduct: Housewarming Gift Dilemma
Q I'm invited to a housewarming party; the hostess is registered at Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond for a, air conditioner, step ladder, ceiling fans, mail box, am and fm radio etc.., Bed Bath and Beyond has items like formal bedding, stainless steel items etc.. the price range for both registries ra nges from $40 to over $200. Is this appropriate? Is this some kind of an etiquette issue? Thanks for your time..

A It sounds more like a bridal registry than a housewarming. You do not have to be intimidated into paying this much. Why not bring her a small flowering plant and tell her you thought of her when you saw such a sweet little plant? The best house warming present of all is quality sea salt. In New England you bring good luck to a new house when you bring the owner salt.

Codes + Conduct: How Many Baby Showers
Q Are baby showers to be thrown for every pregnancy or only the first one? Thank you!

A Many women have more than one baby shower because it is assumed that every baby deserves fresh baby clothing and linens. Baby showers are also a great excuse for a party to invite people to celebrate.

Codes + Conduct: How Much for Baby Shower Gift
Q How much should you spend on a baby shower gift?

A It depends upon how much you can afford and how well you know the parent(s). If you are in your twenties, about fifty dollars. Try going online to baby stores to look for a gift that you can afford: www.thebirthdayboat.com or mama&bambino.com. or garnethill.com.

Codes + Conduct: How Much to Give College Graduate
Q How much money is appropriate for a college graduate?

A It would depend upon how well you know the college graduate, your relationship with the graduate, how badly she/he needs money for graduate school or to get on their feet financially, and how much you can afford. If they don't have a job and they are graduate school bound, they will need as much as you can afford to give them. Anywhere, between $25 and $2,000 depending how much you can afford.

Codes + Conduct: How Servers Serve
Q When serving dinner, do you serve from right and clear from left?

A Serve from the left and clear from the right side of the guest.

Codes + Conduct: How to Eat Asparagus
Q What is the proper way to eat asparagus?

A Personally, I love to eat asparagus with my fingers, one hand only, of course. I do it all the time but more proper etiquette consultants will tell you to use your fork and if they need to be cut, to use your knife. If the asparagus are not dripping in butter or a slippery sauce or dressing, there is seriously nothing wrong with eating asparagus with your fingers, one at a time, with one hand only. However, if I am at a party or a restaurant, I bow to convention and cut them the way I cut a breakfast sausage in to two inch pieces.

Codes + Conduct: How to Eat Asparagus
Q Is it proper to eat hot asperagus from your dinner plate with your fingers?

A In the privacy of your own home, you can pick up asparagus and eat them one by one with your fingers. However, if you are a dinner guest or are out at a restaurant, please use your fork.

Codes + Conduct: How to Eat Soup
Q How to you eat soup?


A Think of the soup spoon as a canoe. Fill the spoon with soup and bring the spoon up to your mouth and gently tip the soup into you mouth horizontally, as if you were tipping over a canoe. Always bring the spoon to your mouth, never lean over and move your mouth towards the bowl. If you are drinking soup from a large soup bowl or soup plate, with your left hand (assuming you are right-handed) you would tip the bowl away from you to fill your spoon.

Codes + Conduct: How to Hold Knife + Fork
Q How to hold knife and fork when cutting meat?

A Hold the handle of the fork and knife as far away from the prongs and blade as is comfortable.

Codes + Conduct: How to Introduce Yourself
Q Hi, there's a guy that I've met repeatedly but I don't know his name. It's gone beyond the point of being OK to ask. What should I do? I'm embarrassed every time I see him.

A Introduce yourself and smile. Put your hand out and say, "I am Jackie Beal, we seem to be on the same schedule (or have friends in common or work in the same building). He will shake your hand and introduce himself. You might then find common ground: friends, workplace, health club.

Codes + Conduct: How to Say No
Q How do I say no without offending someone?

A It would depend upon the particular circumstance. Are you saying no to an invitation? Are you saying no to a proposal of marriage? To say no, look the person in the eye and be genuinely authentic when you say, "I am sorry, but no, I cannot do that." If you need to explain why you can't, do so. Then ask them if they understand why you are saying no. If they do not understand, ask them if they want you to be perfectly honest with them. If they say yes, then be perfectly honest with them.

Codes + Conduct: How to Wear a Shawl at Dinner
Q If I wear a shawl to dinner, where do I put it? Do I leave it on?

A It would depend upon the shawl. If it is a rather large poncho-type shawl, you might want to check it, or leave it where coats are left. Otherwise, you should be able to fold it neatly once and place it at the back of the seat of your chair before sitting down. A small shawl can often drape off the shoulders and be gently tucked under the armpit, excuse the expression, where it will stay while you are eating and you can bring the tails around in front when you are finished. Depending on the size and texture, you might have to play with it as if it is not just an accessory but a prop of sorts. I am a huge fan of shawls, do feel you can have fun with it.

Codes + Conduct: How to Wear a Wristwatch
Q Which arm do we wear a wristwatch?

A Right-handed people customarily wear their wristwatch on their left wrist. Left-handed people usually wear it on their left wrist, too; however, you will see left-handed people wearing their watch on their right wrist. Mostly people wear their watch on the hand that they use the least. There is no rule carved in stone; it is all about comfort.

Codes + Conduct: How to Write a Sympathy Card
Q How to write a sympathy card?

A If you are adding a couple of personalized sentences to your sympathy card, the most honest direct words are the only words to use. If you knew the person, a personal reminiscence would be appropriate, because it authentically connects you with the deceased. Whether you knew the person well or you did not know him so well, you might say: I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts. My prayers and best wishes are with you and your family.

Codes + Conduct: Hyphenated Naming
Q I am pregnant and the father and I are no longer together but we will be sharing custody of our son. I would like to hyphenate both our last names on his birth certificate. The father is against the idea because he says his son won't carry on his last name. I disagree although I can't find any information to prove either side. Please help

A In the spirit of making the little guy feel that it is all going to be all right, why not use both your last names. Hyphenated names, it appears, have not been a huge success. A strong middle name can make him feel important. My opinion is that on the birth certificate you should use your maiden name as his middle name and his father's name as his last name. Life is so complicated, and it can be so difficult, so you want this little guy not to have to explain his hyphenated name. Keep his name short and simple. There are studies that show that children with hyphenated names really don't like them. All kids want to appear normal, no matter what their family situation.

Codes + Conduct: Including Father's Name on Baby
Q Type your question here...Do you include the father's name on a baby gift?

A Customarily baby gifts are addresses to the baby.

Codes + Conduct: Including Money in Sympathy Card
Q I'm going to Calling Hours today and was wondering if I should give a sympathy card containg money to the family, or should I mail it? Thank you.

A Whatever you do give the money in the form of a check so that the recipient has a record of whom to thank and you have recourse, if the check goes astray. Take the envelope with you and, if you feel it is appropriate to give it, then do; otherwise put a stamp on the envelope and post it on your way home. Different areas of the country handle the situation differently, so: to figure out the code of conduct watch to see what others do.

Codes + Conduct: Inscribing a Book
Q Is there a right page to sign a book on when giving it as a gift?? I am not the author; I just am giving the book as a present.

A Normally you would inscribe the book on the first blank inside page. If it is a paperback, you would inscribe it on the title page.

Codes + Conduct: Introducing a Married Couple
Q In a social setting, during introductions with a married couple, who is introduced first and man or woman? Also when greeting a couple, who is greeted first, the man or the woman?

A Greet the woman first, unless, of course, you know the man much better. In introducing a married couple, you would introduce the younger person to the older person, the man to the woman. So: if you are introducing a married couple to a man and you are all about the same age, you would say, "Charles, I want you to meet Jane and Joe Doe, this is Charles Dickens. However, if Charles is elderly you would say, "Jane and John Doe, I want you to meet Charles Dickens."

Codes + Conduct: Introducing a Ph.D.
Q Hosting a private party at home: how would you introduce someone with a Ph.D. ?

A It would depend upon whether or not the Ph.D. is a peer or not. Don't forget, these days having a Ph.D. is a fairly common thing. So, if you would call the person Mrs. Smith, if she didn't have a Ph.D., then you would call her Dr. Smith, if you are not on a first name basis. Usually, at a private party at home, everyone is on a first name basis. So: unless Mrs. Smith is much older you would not introduce her as Mrs. Smith or Dr. Smith, but as Mary Smith. Another example is Henry Kissinger, who has a Ph.D., but at private parties his peers call him Henry, not Dr. Kissinger.

Codes + Conduct: Introducing an Archbishop
Q What is the proper greeting when introduced to an Archbishop?

A You would introduce an Archbishop as "Archbishop" along with his/her surname, as in "Archbishop Brown," if, say, his given name is John Brown. In front of an Episcopal parish, you would introduce him as "The Archbishop of Canterbury and York."

Codes + Conduct: Introducing an Attorney
Q What do I call an attorney when introducing him for a speech?

A You would want to introduce the attorney in a flattering manner to make him feel and sound important and special by saying something such as this, formal or more casual: Now I would like to introduce Charles Dickens, Esquire, a partner in the esteemed law firm Dickens, White & Brown. Or, less formal: I have the honor of introducing the renowned senior partner of the esteemed law firm Dickens, White & Brown, Charles Dickens.

Codes + Conduct: Introducing and Addressing: Ladies First?
Q In introducing a couple, do you say the man's first name first or the lady..in signing a note from a couple; or sending a note; what is the procedure; is the female's first name first of the couple or the male?...We have a small bet; I say that the man's name is first as in, Mr. and Mrs. A friend says that it should be the lady's as in Nancy and Rick...

A When introducing a couple, you say the woman's first name first.

When signing a note, the person who is doing the signing signs his or her name first.

An easy way to remember which name comes first is to remember this rule: Don't separate a man's first name from his last name.

Codes + Conduct: Introducing Boyfriend to Woman Boss
Q When introducing a male date to your boss who is a woman, how should the introduction go? He is older and she is younger. He is my guest. ??? Help

A Always address the inferior person to the superior person. Out of respect it is assumed that the inferior person already knows the name of the superior person, that's why she is superior. So, you would say something such as this: I would like to introduce you to my partner (friend), John Doe, John this is Julie Smith. However, if John Doe is a person of higher rank, say an elected official, a distinguished author, a member of the clergy, or he holds a higher rank in his company than she does in hers, you would present your boss to your date.

Codes + Conduct: Introducing the Ex-Mother-In-Law
Q How should I introduce my ex-mother-in-law? At my daughters bridal shower I was not sure of the proper way. I am re-married and my current and ex-mothers-in-law were both in attendance.



A There are two ways to do this: "This is Alice Lynch, my daughter's grandmother. Or, "I would like to introduce you to Alice Lynch, Laura's grandmother."

Codes + Conduct: Introducing Yourself
Q Whenever my girlfriend takes me to a function where she knows everyone, she never introduces me. Is this acceptable mannerisims?

A Be a self-sustaining boyfriend and introduce yourself. A gentleman over the age of sixteen introduces himself.

Codes + Conduct: Introductions: Child and Spouse
Q When introducing our son and his wife, do we say and this is our son and his wife or do we say this is our son and daughter-in-law?

A You would say, "I would like to introduce you to our daughter-in-law, Charlotte, and our son, John." Ladies always come first.

Codes + Conduct: Introductions: What to Say
Q What are the most popular and frequently used words during a handshaking?

A The most frequently used words are, perhaps, the least interesting: "Nice to meet cha." What should you say? Say, "How-do-you-do" and introduce yourself.

Codes + Conduct: Inviting Friends to Pay for Dinner + Drinks
Q How to word an "invitation" to join us in celebration of our 10th anniversary at a local restaurant at your own expense?

A How about using one of the following forms, centering the lines on the page and inserting your own information:

Jane and John Doe
request the pleasure of your
company to celebrate our
Tenth Anniversary
on May 25th
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP (000-000-0000)
In lieu of a present, we ask that
you pay for your dinner and drinks.

OR

Please come celebrate our
Tenth Wedding Anniversary
Friday, April 21st
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

Jane and John Doe

RSVP (000-000-0000)
Instead of a gift, we ask that
you pay for your dinner and drinks.

Codes + Conduct: Is Etiquette on a Downward Spiral?
Q An article in today's New York Times stated that only one restaurant in Manhattan still requires men to wear jackets and ties. The article quoted one restauranteur as saying "Etiquette is on a downward spiral, and politeness is disappearing." As an etiquette expert, do you agree? Is etiquette on a downward spiral, or is it simply evolving and reflecting today's more relaxed lifestyles?

A Dress codes might be on a downward spiral, but most people are still concerned about upholding certain codes of behavior. They are so worried about doing the right thing that they become quite upset when mistakes are made. Faux-pas is now a hyphenated word.

With casual clothing costing as much as, if not more than "proper" clothing because the emphasis is on quality of design and materials, the new real world fashion is fast becoming the standard. Don't forget, many people were outraged when men who were tired of dining in tails simply had them cut off.

Etiquette is not on a downward spiral. There is much ballyhooing on the Internet about good and bad behavior. Go to the etiquette section on Craig's List and follow some of the threads: people are first concerned about whether the subject is actually about etiquette; then there are those who think the question is silly, but for the most part the questions are taken quite seriously. Emily Post and Miss Manners are even quoted to make a point. One man wanted to know how to break-off "politely" with a woman whom he had been dating because he followed a link on her Web page that showed raunchy photos of her having sex with another man. She wanted his approval, he didn't think they were proper. My answer on the thread was that I thought he should thank her for sending him her link because although it was way too much information, it was better that he discovered it now rather than after the wedding. The guy was worried about not being polite enough while breaking off the relationship!

On this site, I get questions from young mothers whose elementary school children are appalled by the manners of their peers in the school lunchroom. I've learned that most people want to do the right thing and are offended by bad behavior, and furthermore, they want to know what to do about it: how to walk away from a conversation that has gone on too long? How to tell a friend not to chew gum when on her cellphone? One guy was upset because he got bumped with a hot cup of coffee by a woman who didn't know that she should have been walking on the (her) right side of the sidewalk. He couldn't understand why nobody hadn't told her this. In defense of the young woman, if she hadn't been brought up in a bustling urban area with heavy sidewalk traffic, how would she have known to keep to her right. Why should a man from Silicon Valley, where they don't wear ties in town, be humiliated by a maitre d' because he's not wearing a tie?

As fashion involves to suit lifestyle, the codes of etiquette adapt to the behavior of our time.

Codes + Conduct: Is It Ok to Pick Teeth in Public
Q Is it o.k. for as guy to pick his teeth in public?

A It is never okay for anyone to ever pick his teeth in public. If he needs to pick, he needs to pick-away where no one else has to be subjected to watching his rudeness.

Codes + Conduct: Is It Too Late to Send Thank-You
Q Is three months too late to send a thank-you card?

A It is literally never too late to send a thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Just Say No to Splitting the Bill
Q This comes up often. I am dining with a group. I stay within my budget, and order what I can afford and want from the menu. Others in my group order more expensive meals, extra drinks, dessert, etc. The bill comes, and it is suggested that the bill be split in as many ways as the number in my party. Therefore, I have a cheaper meal and end up paying for my friends! It seems so unfair to me. How can I handle this in a tactful way and still take care of myself in this situation? If I don't find a good way soon, I will be forced not to dine out with certain individuals. Thank you in advance for your help.

A This is a common complaint I hear from young people. Here is how you might consider handling such a situation. When you suspect this might be a problem when dining out with friends, calculate how much you owe and when the check arrives at the table, rise from the table either to say good-night or go to the ladies' room, put the cash on the table and say, "Here is what I owe for one drink and a hamburger." When you leave they will deduct your money from the total bill and divide the rest between themselves. If you are proactive, they will respect you and it will be easier for you just to pay your share next time. If you come back to the table and they say you owe more and you know you don't, say "but I only had one drink and no dessert" or whatever. Be consistent about this, perhaps you might even develop a funny line to drop about not wanting to pay for drinks you didn't drink.

Codes + Conduct: Knife + Fork
Q After I finish eating at a fine restaurant, I place my knife and fork on the edge of the plate parallel to me (with the fork first and the knife next to it sharp edge facing inward). Is this correct?

A Not sure what you mean by "edge of the plate?" Leave your knife and fork side by side at six o'clock on your plate.

Codes + Conduct: Lack of Manners
Q Are there any medical discoveries that include manners as a problem with what's wrong with everyone today?

A People who lack manners have a difficult time interacting with others. It would be a sociological study. I am not aware of one, but if I find one, I will let you know.

Codes + Conduct: Ladies First
Q If you are using the first names of a couple, whose name comes first, the man's or the woman's?


A I am a big fan of ladies first.

Codes + Conduct: Ladies First
Q In the written language, is it true that you never separate the man's name from his last name, i.e. it is always Susan and Tom Jones, not Tom and Susan Jones.

A I am a big fan of Susan and Tom Jones, instead of Tom and Susan Jones, because ladies always come first in my book. Nowadays, either way is correct.

Codes + Conduct: Late Thank-You Notes
Q My son's birthday party was back in January and I never sent thank-you cards. Do I still send them now or just forget about them? What is the proper time to send thank-yous?

A It is never to late to send a thank-you note. There is no time limit on being grateful when someone has been thoughtful towards you and your family.

Codes + Conduct: Law School Graduation Present
Q What is an appropriate gift for law school graduation ?

A It would, of course, depend upon your relationship to the graduate and how much you can afford to spend. Why not find out where the young person will be living after graduation and give him or her a gift certificate to a chain store or book store where he or she can pick out a gift once settled. Alternatively, you might ask if he or she is going on vacation or traveling and give a small check towards the trip.

Codes + Conduct: Leaving Coat on Indoors
Q We have a gentleman that comes to choir rehearsal and sits with his outer coat on during the entire practice session. We have heat at the church and he's not sick or cold; we've asked. Is this rude behavior and how do we explain to him that it is rude? What does this say about him?

A If he is taking blood thinner for his heart, then he is always cold. It sounds like a medical problem to me, not a case of bad manners.

Codes + Conduct: Letter to Accused Molester's Wife
Q As I was reading the newspaper today, I came across an article about a former preacher in our community that was charged with sexual misconduct with a minor. The preacher's wife was a colleague of mine several years ago. She is a dear and loving person and I'm not sure of the correct way to handle this situation. Should I send her a note, food, flowers???? Or ignore the situation, knowing that she is embarrassed and humiliated by the entire situation?

A A note to the preacher's wife in a genuine voice would be greatly appreciated. Your old colleague needs all the friends she can get right now. When a friend is in an embarrassing situation, we can choose to ignore their plight or try to be a good friend.

Codes + Conduct: Letters: Closings
Q Letter Closings

A It would depend upon the circumstance and the object of the letter. If you are asking about closings for a business letter, you can use "Sincerely," or "Yours truly," but for more personal letters, it is appropriate to be affectionate and use closings such as, "With love," "Fondly," "Lots of love always."

Codes + Conduct: Letters: Closings
Q Give me some proper closings for letters.

A When you ask me to give you some "proper closings for letters," I would have to know more about the nature of the letters. For a business letter, you would use, "Sincerely yours," or "Yours truly." For a more personal way to sign off, as to a friend or relation, or if it is a love letter, you would use a more affectionate closing such as, "Much love, "With great fondness," "Lots of love always,"
"Affectionately," and sometimes just "Love," is enough.

Codes + Conduct: Limp Handshakes
Q When a person gives you a handshake that is not firm and does not look you in the eyes (when shaking your hand), what does it say of that person? Is the person shy?, not to be trusted?

A You can't necessarily judge a book by its cover. Perhaps the man is uneducated and/or insecure and feels out of his element talking to someone like you. Socially, it might mean that the man is not interested in knowing you.

Codes + Conduct: Lipstick at the Table
Q Is it bad manners to put your lipstick on at the table?

A No, it is not bad manners. Touching up your lipstick at the table is fine as long as it is done discreetly. In other words, you would not take out a mirror to watch yourself reapply lip liner, lipstick, and gloss, but you could apply either a tinted gloss or lipstick and put it away quickly.

Codes + Conduct: Lipstick at the Table
Q Is it proper manners to put lipstick on at the table?

A There is absolutely nothing wrong with touching up your lipstick anytime. After all, a lady has to look her best. What is not proper is to take out your cosmetic bag, apply lip liner, then lip plumper, lipstick, and top it off with gloss. In other words, if a woman is discreet in touching up her lips with a single wand that refreshes the color and shine with a few strokes, it can even be seductive.

Codes + Conduct: Lipstick Etiquette
Q I'd like to know about lipstick etiquette? Do you kiss with lipstick on? Do you remove it when eating or drinking?

A Nowadays, lipsticks have enough staying power so that when they are applied before going out, they stay on and yet detach to another check. You do not need to remove your lipstick before kissing, but you would check to see that you haven't left the kiss on his face. If so, gently rub the kiss with your finger in a circular motion and it should blend into his skin. Eating and drinking blot off the lipstick in the process of the meal, so you would reapply your lipstick after eating. Notice that the lip of your glass has a trace of your lipstick.

Codes + Conduct: Listing a Deceased Child
Q I am putting my son in a baby contest and on the form it has a place to list siblings. I have a son that has passed away and I wanted to list him on the form under siblings. What is the proper way to list his name?

A After the son's name write his date of birth and date of death, like this: John Henry Adams (1998-2007)

Codes + Conduct: Listing Couples
Q When having invitations printed for a fundraiser, how do you list the hosts name: Abbey and Bob Hill or Bill and Abbey Hill? I thought you were not supposed to break the man's name up. Is that an ancient myth?

A Whatever you do, be consistent. I am a huge fan of ladies first; therefore, it would be Abbey and Bob Hill.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Couples
Q When listing names on a committee when husband and wife are using first names then last: Example
Karen and Frank Castella
Do you put the female or male's name first when the last name is the same?

A Choose a style and stick to it. In other words have the names all in the same format. I am a big fan of ladies first and having the man's first name closest to his last name, but a lot of people will put the woman's name first. Whichever style you choose, be consistent.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Couples in a Program
Q Is it appropriate to refer to a married couple as Dr. John and Mrs. Carol Jones when it is in a program and the wife is known on her own with her own first name?

A In a program you would want to be consistent, so it is good that you are choosing one style. If you are listing all of the wives' first names, then you would, of course, list Carol's first name; however, be sure to be consistent and drop all the Mrs. titles on the program. You could use the informal style form Dr. John and Carol Jones, but the preferred formal way to list them would be to use Carol's maiden name and not use any titles. If, say, her maiden name is Brown, then formally it would be John (Edward) and Carol Brown Jones. However, if you are using titles, because you have a lot of medical doctors, then it would be Dr. John and Carol Brown Jones. There is no etiquette rule carved in stone, except that you follow one style throughout the program. Therefore if you list Carol's first name, then you would want to list the first names of all the married women.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Degrees
Q What is the proper way to put degrees on a business card (in the order they received their degrees)?
First Name Last Name, BSN, RN
or First Name Lane Name, RN, BSN
They received their BSN before their RN.
Thanks.

A If the degrees are in the same profession as you stated, you would use the most prestigious. For instance, if you need the first degree in order to get the second degree, you could leave off the stepping stone degree because it will be assumed that you must have it. You would only use two if they varied. For instance, if you were an RN and a SSW. When in doubt, listing by order is fine.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Mom + Dad
Q When listing the names of a couple is there a proper order, i.e. Jane and John Doe or John and Jane Doe?

A On an informal list of couples using first names, the woman's name would come first. Traditionally the man's name comes first, so it is very informal to list the woman first. The reason for this is because many boomers use their maiden name in business and socially but, in situations concerning their children, it is less confusing for the children and school if mom lists her name with dad's.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Names
Q Hello. Is there a rule about how to note a donation for charity events? Should it be Lisa and Brad Freer or Brad and Lisa Freer or does it make a difference? I thought I heard one time that the man's name should be placed next to the family/last name. This when the donors list is published or would Mr. and Mrs. Brad Freer be best?

A Most charities pick a style and stick to it. For instance, if you use the prefix Dr., then you would use Mr., Mrs., and Ms. The point is to be consistent. You are correct Lisa and Brad Freer would be fine. Whether you use prefixes usually depends upon the formality of the event. For a black-tie dinner dance you would use Mr. and Mrs. Bradley W. Freer; for a cocktail party, you could use Lisa and Brad Freer. Whatever you do stick to a style and be consistent throughout that event. The exception would be that you would probably use Mr. and Mrs. Bardley W. Freer when listing the couple in the annual report that lists the donors.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Names for Plaque
Q We are listing money donors on a wall plaque. Should the man's name come first or the woman's, i.e. John and Mary Smith or Mary and John Smith? Thank you for your help. Ellen

A I am a big fan of "ladies first." It would depend upon the formality of the organization, since I gather you are not listing them as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Names: Family Members
Q When listing family members' names, who goes first, the mom or the dad?

A I am a huge fan of ladies first. If you are using the last name as well, it is always best to have the man's name closest to the last name. For instance: Amanda and George Wilson.

Codes + Conduct: Listing Professional Credentials With Name
Q I hold office in a military service organization for retirees that requires me to put my contact info on our website. I also hold an academic doctorate. When I list myself on the site should I put:

Name, Academic abbreviation, Rank, USAF (Ret.)
or
Dr. Name, Rank, USAF (Ret.)

Thanks

A If you use Dr. as a prefix, then you would not use the doctorate abbreviation after your name. I think that it is tidier if you use all the professional titles after your given name: Name, Academic abbreviation, Rank, USAF (Ret.).

Codes + Conduct: Lists of Names
Q Dear Didi,

My wife and I are often listed in programs for charities where we have contributed or one of us is on the Board. It will be listed either: "Jeanne and Stan Cohen" OR "Stan and Jeanne Cohen." Often, depending on who is the main participant or donor, the order of our names may change. Is ONE way correct, e.g. female first or is either correct? I have seen it done with male or female first is that okay or incorrect.

Thank you,

Stan Cohen

PS When formal it is always listed as Dr. and Mrs. Stan Cohen

A Personally, I am a huge fan of ladies first. In my opinion, there is no right or wrong, the problem lies in how the names are listed because it must be consistent. The same with titles, either they all have titles, Mrs. Ms. Mr. Dr., or none of them do. However, you might add the professional title after his or her surname as in, James J. Winslow, Ph.D. No, it does not matter if you list the female first or the male first, you would just want to be sure that all the females are listed first.

Codes + Conduct: Loading the Dishwasher
Q What is the right way to load a dishwasher, with the forks and knives down or up?

A If the knives and forks are pointing down, nobody will get poked unloading the dishwasher.

Codes + Conduct: Lord Chesterfield
Q What is the name of the Englishman who wrote his son a series of letters detailing the proper way for a young man to behave in society?

A Perhaps, you might be thinking of someone called Lord Chesterfield, who in 1715 wrote The Gentleman's Library: Containing Rules. Subsequently, volumes of his letters to his son and godson consisting of rules for gentlemen were published and kept in print. Just this past winter a reprinted 1890 edition was published by Elibron Classics in London: Letters Written By Philip Dormer, Earl of Chesterfield to His Son: 1737-1768. I have actually had the great delight of reading the 1715 first edition in our rare books room at the Redwood Library here in Newport.

Codes + Conduct: Loss of Baby
Q What is appropriate to give or say to parents who have just lost their one-year-old in a swimming pool tragedy?

A Nothing is more devastating than the death of a child.
Why not say something like this: I am deeply sorry for your loss. Our love and prayers are with you. Then you might offer to be of assistance: If there is anything at all I can do for you now, or in the future, you have only to ask.

Do some homework to find out from family and close friends what they need: help with the cost of the gravestone or the name of a good grief counselor.

Codes + Conduct: Ma'am
Q Is is appropriate to use the response, "Yes, Ma'am" when receiving a directive from your supervisor?

A In the South and in the Southwest it is considered polite by many to say "Yes, Ma'am." In the Northeast they might say "Yes, Madame." A ma'am is a woman of refinement, a lady, a gentlewoman. If your supervisor falls into this category, ma'am is an appropriate noun to use.

Codes + Conduct: Making Conversation
Q I cannot talk much in a social gatherings even though I'm very talkative. I feel whatever I say will not be good enough and people will think that I don't know how to talk. Is it okay if I talk a little and keep myself a bit reserved? Please tell me what to do?

A Before going to a social gathering, read a newspaper, news magazine or listen to the news on TV or the radio. Keeping up with what is going on in the world will help to expand your thinking and you will be able to join in conversations or ask another guests how they feel about a certain event in the news. Asking questions is always an ice breaker. People like to talk about themselves, so you are safe asking them about their job, children, or house. Sports are also another good subject to bring up.

Codes + Conduct: Making Introductions
Q How to introduce the cousins of the mother at the son's engagement party?

A You might say something like this:

"Caroline, I would like to introduce you to my mother's cousin, Betty Guthrie. Betty, this is my roommate, Caroline Willis, who is from North Carolina, also."

Caroline might say, "I am pleased to meet you, Mrs. Guthrie."

"Please, call me Betty, Caroline. I am from Charlotte, where is your family?"

As a matter of respect, you always introduce the younger person to the elder. In this instance, you have opened up the conversation for a couple of other possible topics of conversation.

Codes + Conduct: Man Opens Door for Woman
Q What is the proper way for a man to hold a door open for a woman? How about if the door opens inward? Doesn't he just hold it open and let her squish by, if necessary?

A The man steps forward and opens the door and the woman crosses the threshold. It really depends upon the door; if the door won't just stay open, the man, who would be standing closest to the door, would hold it back while she enters or he could do a Fred Astaire and hold the door open with his hand high up as she swings under. If the door is very heavy, as in a door going out to a stairwell, he might actually step in and lean against the door to hold it open for her.

Codes + Conduct: Man Orders for Woman
Q At a 5 star restaurant, should the man order for the lady after determining her choices?

A Yes, the proper way for a man to dine with a woman would be for the couple to discuss the menu over a glass of champagne, wine or kir. He would then ask her what she would like to eat. Then when the waiter returns to take the order, the man would say to the waiter, "The lady (or my wife, or my fiancee, or Mrs. Whittaker) will start with oysters on the half-shell followed by...... and I will have....." Or, "We will start with the oysters on the half- shell and the lady will have the Dover Sole and I will have the Sweet Breads." The man would then pair the wine with what he has ordered for the main course, giving priority to the woman's choice of main course. If he wanted red and she white, he would ask the sommelier to recommend wine by the glass or a wine that might work well for them both.

Codes + Conduct: Man Walks on the Outside
Q What is the etiquette when walking with a woman?


A The gentleman walks closest to the street, on the outside. When they cross a street turning left, a gentleman moves to the street side of the lady. The romance is that the gentleman is shielding the lady from being splashed if there are big puddles, and at the same time, protecting her if a vehicle should veer out of control on to the sidewalk.

Codes + Conduct: Man/Woman Seating
Q When seated at a dinner table, where does the man sit in relation to the woman?

A If you are asking about the seating when there is just one man and one woman, the waiter might seat the woman so that she has the preferable view. The man might then be seated on her left. However, it depends upon the placement of the table in the room or restaurant and/or if one or the other has a hearing deficiency in one ear. In that case, of course, the two good ears would be closest.

Codes + Conduct: Mass Cards for Miscarriage
Q Do you acknowledge an early miscarriage as you would any other loss with flowers or mass cards?

A No, you do not acknowledge an early miscarriage as you would any other loss. Do not send flowers or mass cards. However, do confide in a few friends and the word will get around.

Codes + Conduct: Master of Ceremonies
Q How do you refer to a female Master of Ceremonies? Mistress of Ceremonies?

A The term Master of Ceremonies is antiquated. Nowadays, the person is called either Chair or Chairperson.

Codes + Conduct: Men + Nose Hair
Q My older brother is a good looking guy but he is getting older and looking a bit shabby. His nose hair really annoys me. Would it be rude of me to give him a nose hair trimmer for Christmas?

A It sounds as if you would be doing him a huge favor by giving him a nose trimmer. On the gift card make a pun, "You nose I care about you."

Codes + Conduct: Men + Toe Rings
Q Can men wear toe rings? And if so, what toe of what foot is correct?

A I am sorry but I am not a big fan of men wearing jewelry. A watch on a leather strap and cufflinks are more than enough jewelry on any man.

Codes + Conduct: Men + Women: Standing Up for Women
Q I was brought up to stand up when a woman enters and leaves a room or, when at a dinner party table or restaurant, she arrived or leaves the table. Most of my male friends don't do this; so when I'm in a social situation, my body automatically stands, but my mind says sit down. It seems not cool to stand, what is a guy to do?

A Stand when it is deemed appropriate. For instance, when a woman arrives at the restaurant, stand to greet her as she comes towards your table. If the waiter doesn't pull out her chair, then do it for her. Greeting is a welcoming gesture as well as words. However, if she excuses her to go to the ladies room or take a call on her cell, let the setting fit the behavior. If ties and jacket are not required, nobody will fault you for not standing when she returns to the table.

Likewise at a dinner party, if staff waits on the table serving and clearing, then you would rise--unless it is a buffet where there are several courses--when the hostess or woman guest returns to the table, and at the start of the meal you certainly would never sit down until all the women have been seated. If you are standing behind your chair at your place at the table, you are well positioned to pull out the chair for the woman on either side of you. You would never sit down until the host was seated or the hostess asked you to be seated.

You can always move your body as if you are attempting to rise, but only raise it half way; thereby acknowledging that the woman has returned, but not making a big deal out of the fact that she had to excuse herself. The difficult decision to make is when you're dining informally at someone's house and the hostess is up and down, up and down. Then it is up to the hostess at the start of the meal to say, "Please be seated," meaning "You don't have to stand for me every time I jump up to go into the kitchen or return to the table."

Let your behavior fit the situation. Obviously, if you are at a black-tie seated dinner, you would partially stand when a woman comes to the table, whether to be seated or just to chat. Once again, it is up to her to say, "Please be seated;" it is up to you to make the gesture. At such an event, it is truly proper for all the men to remain standing until the last woman to join the table is seated, but hardly anyone does that any more. When in doubt, look for the head table, if men are standing waiting for all the women to be seated, then that's your cue.

Even in a wheel chair, my dad would raise himself slightly by propping himself up with a push of his hands on the wheel chair seat when I entered the room or returned to the table. I wouldn't even have thought about discouraging him. For him it was a natural reflex, which you might have, too.

It is the thought that counts, so making that subtle gesture to stand is always appreciated.

Codes + Conduct: Men Opening Doors
Q When a woman encounters an elderly gentleman while passing through a doorway, what is the appropriate action? Should the (younger) woman hold the door for the man or should the man hold the door for the woman, regardless of age? If the elderly man seems pysically challenged, I always hold the door for him. Thank you.

A Obviously, you were very well brought up. It is a difficult question to answer because it would depend upon the age of the man and his state of health. I see really old men at my health club exercising regularly, who take great pride in opening the front door for me. However, I also see younger men who shuffle their feet and look unfit. You can usually tell by their body language and the brightness in their eyes, if they are alert enough to open the door for you.

Codes + Conduct: Men Ordering for Women
Q When dining as a married couple, who orders first? My husband says he thinks it's the man but I think it's only if he orders for both. I think if we order individually, the woman should order first. What do you say?

A I never want to come between a woman and her man, but you are absolutely right. Traditionally, the man orders for the women, but nowadays women like to order for themselves. Instead of criticizing him, why not have him order for you next time? Good etiquette and manners are about consideration, compassion and compromise. It is fun to tell your guy want you want and then see how he translates what you say to the waiter.

Codes + Conduct: Men Walk on the Outside
Q What is the history of why the gentleman walks on the outside of the sidewalk when escorting a lady?

A This comes from the time when streets were not paved and passing carriages and wagons threw up mud. Men walked on the outside to protect women and their fancy dresses.

Codes + Conduct: Men Walk on the Side of the Street
Q What is the reason the man should alway walk on the side of the street?

A The custom goes back to the days of the horse and carriage when roads were filled with pot holes that collected water. When the man walked closest to the traffic, he was the one to get splashed. It was also a matter of safety because if a horse got loose, the man would shelter the woman with his body. Nowadays, cars do go off the road and a man walking on the outside is protecting the woman. Hence, the man walking on the side of the street has become the mark of a gentleman, much the way a gentleman opens the door for a woman, and a man stands when a woman approaches the table or wherever he is seated.

Codes + Conduct: Men's Cocktail Attire
Q What is cocktail attire for men?


A The dress code for cocktail attire for men would depend upon the climate and whether the event is in a city or in the country. In the winter in the city or in Newport, it would consist of a dark business suit, a navy blue blazer, or a sports jacket worn with gray flannel pants. Either a leather belt matching the color of the shoes, or suspenders, can be worn. A long sleeve shirt and a complimentary tie, as well as well-shined dark loafers or oxfords will complete the look. Don't forget that the dark socks need to be high enough so that no hairy skin is shown when the man sits down. A khaki lined trench coat or an overcoat might be needed along with a pair of leather gloves and perhaps a hat, if its chilly outside. If the man is under thirty, the dress code is slightly more relaxed, for instance a ski parka would be fine instead of an overcoat.

Codes + Conduct: Men's Room Etiquette
Q Would you please settle a dispute about politeness? Would you ask where the bathroom is or where the men's room is?

A Here in Newport, it would be correct etiquette to ask for the men's room.

Codes + Conduct: Messy Neighbors
Q Does a next door neighbor have the right to trim trees and bushes without cleaning up the mess left on the other persons property?

A No, that is incredibly rude. You have every right to ask your neighbor to dispose of the trimmings deposited on your property. Just ask him to cleanup the debris.

Codes + Conduct: Midget or Very Short
Q I was wondering, what is the right phrase to use when referring to a midget or dwarf? Is it, "little people"?

A The singer Randy Newman wrote a popular song called "Short People," which says it all. They are just like you and I.

Codes + Conduct: Military Service for Police Chief
Q Is it proper to have a military funeral service for a police chief who never served in the military?

A Does not sound right to me; however, I am not an expert on military dictates, I am an etiquette consultant. Sorry, you will have to search the Internet further to find an expert who knows about military dictates.

Codes + Conduct: Milk in Cereal Bowl
Q When eating breakfast cereal, is it proper to finish the excess milk with your spoon or leave it in the bowl?

A If you are in your own home, you can pick up the bowl and drink the milk, if you like. In Europe, people even drink coffee and hot chocolate out of the bowl.

Codes + Conduct: Miss or Ms.
Q When engaged, should the woman be known as Miss or Ms. ????

A Nowadays, women over the age of eighteen are referred to as Ms.; however, it is a matter of personal preference as to how the bride wishes to be known.

Codes + Conduct: Miss or Ms.
Q Addressing a letter to a client who is a 20-year-old female. Do you use Miss or Ms.? Do you need to have the period behind the Ms or not?

A Any woman eighteen or older is addressed as Ms. with a period after the "s."

Codes + Conduct: Miss, Ms. or Mrs.
Q Correct title for mailing address? I am a divorced, single woman now and don't know what is the correct title I should be using? Mrs., Ms., Miss?

A You would use Ms. or Mrs. You would not use Miss unless you are under the age of eighteen.

Codes + Conduct: Mistress of Ceremonies
Q Is it proper to call a woman "mistress of ceremonies" instead of "master of ceremonies" at an event?

A Yes, "mistress of ceremonies" is perfectly correct. One of the accepted definitions of the word "mistress" is "a woman master who directs the work of others." Another example would be headmistress.

Codes + Conduct: Monetary Gifts Requests
Q Twice, I have received invitations with "monetary gifts preferred" on the bottom. One was for a baby shower and the other for a birthday party for a one-year-old. I feel this is inappropriate. When is it appropriate to state "monetary gifts preferred" on an invitation?

A Never. I am with you. I find it very tacky. You are not the only one to complain. Everyday I get complaints from guests who are being asked to give cash. It is never appropriate. I especially do not believe that families should solicit gifts for members of their family.

Codes + Conduct: Monetary Gifts to Kids
Q Our nephew is getting confirmed in a couple weeks. We would like to give him money as a gift. What is the average acceptable gift now a days? Thank you!


A An acceptable code for giving monetary gifts to children goes like this: Depending upon your budeget, if he is ten years old, give him a ten dollar bill or add a zero on to the ten and give him one hundred dollars. You might explain to him how you determined the amount in your congratulatory handwritten note or greeting card in which the cash or check would be enclosed.

Codes + Conduct: Monogram Etiquette: II + III
Q When engraving the initials of someone who is a second or third do you add the II or III at the end? For example for Robert Frank Smith, III would you do RFS or RFSIII?
Thanks

A You would not use the numerals for second or third with a monogram and when using Frank Smith III, you would not place a comma between the last name and the III. For numerals, an exception would be if you could cleverly work it in; for instance, my father was the third Louis Livingston Lorillard, so his monogram was 3/L's on all of his personal silver, with most not having the apostrophe but the small lower case letter s at the top of the L instead of the bottom, which I can't demonstrate on this program.

Codes + Conduct: Monograming Bar Napkins: de Mille
Q Hi Didi,

I want to give a set of bar napkins to my neighbor who is marrying a man with the last name de Mille. Since they tend to favor both initials would I have it read E M G for Elizabeth and George de Mille since the de is lower case? Or would I have it, E DM G? I just don't know how prominent the "de" should be.
Thanks!

A Traditionally, any barware would be in the man's monogram and bed and bath linens would be in the woman's monogram. If these are linen bar napkins, you could use both. As monograms are a form of art, there is a lot of room to be creative. However, formally you would not use the initial d for de at all because traditionally only the M would be used in the monogram. In France, they know their same ilk and therefore would say, "HI, Mille," dropping the de. The de would be used only in introductions, as in, "May I introduce you to George de Mille."

The formal monogram would be a large M centered on a crown adorned with either eight balls meaning Count, or fleur-de-lis meaning Duke. As you want to use the E for Elizabeth, then your monogram is informal and therefore the letter M would be large in the center, a slightly smaller G would be to the left of the M and the E would be to the right of the M.

In my opinion, using the d for de would be tacky. Personally, I would use just the M on bar napkins.

Codes + Conduct: Monogrammed Barware
Q What is the proper way to initial etched glass wear? I know the middle initial is the last name. Does the husband's first initial go first and then the wife's first initial last? Thank you.

A Customarily, bar glasses are monogrammed with the man's initials. If the initials are in block letters all the same size, which is traditional, then it would be first, middle and last. If it is three initials with the last name initial larger in the middle, that is fine, too. Either way, but it would be the man's initials on all barware.

Codes + Conduct: Monogrammed Towels
Q I am wanting to monogram towels for our guest bathroom. What is the proper way to monogram when you are married? Single last initial? One person's initials? Or combination of husband's and wife's intials?

A Monograms are very personal. Traditionally, if you like your maiden monogram, you would use it on your personal towels. On guest towels, if you don't want to use your own, you might use the first inital of the wife's first name, and then second and much larger, the first inital of your married name, and third, the same size as the first, the first inital of the husband. So if you are Sarah and George Wilson, the monogram would be sWg. Nowadays a lot of people will just use the first intial of the married last name, say, W, especially on guest hand towels and guest bath towels.

Codes + Conduct: Monogramming Linens
Q I would like to order special napkins with their initial but I don't know if the bride's should come first or the groom' ? My daughter's name is Crystal and his name is John; last name starts with L. So would it be C L J ?



A Traditionally, linens would have the woman's monogram so the dinner napkins would have the first initial of the bride's given name, then if the last name is in the center, the first initial of the married name made larger, and the third initial would be the first initial of her maiden name. So, traditionally, if her maiden name was Smith, her monogram would be cLs. However, if you are following an informal contemporary style it would be: CSL in uppercase block letters all the same size. Or, it might be cLj in script with the last name larger than the first name. So: if you are following tradition, you would go with cLs; if you were going with a contemporary style, it would be cLj in uppercase script with L in the center; or it would be block.
Go by the lifestyle of the couple. Better yet, ask her what she would like. Let her choose between formal or informal.
There are no monogram rules carved in stone because monograms are very personal, as such they are a lifestyle issue.

Codes + Conduct: Monogramming Linens
Q When monogramming pillow shams for a husband and wife, is there one for the husband and one for the wife? The monogram will have first, middle and last initial. I was told that both shams have the wife's initials on them.

Thanks

A Truth be told, there really are no rules carved in stone dictating monogram etiquette on linens; however, traditionally the woman's monogram appears on the linens and the husband's on more masculine items, such as barware and bar glasses. Nowadays, a lot of couples get creative and design their own monogram and use that. For instance, you might work with the initials in your names that look aesthetically the best together, you might use yours and his intertwined. You can even use the married last initial twice, for instance if it is the letter C, you might intertwine two of the letter C back to back. Customarily, as I said before, you would use your married initial in the center and the initial of your first name as the first initial and the maiden name initial last. So: if your name is Hillary Rodham Clinton, your monogram would be HCR. You would use upper case letters for all three with the center (married initial) larger. I use my maiden name initials on my linens because they are ELP which look prettier in script than using my married initial; let's face it, it really doesn't matter, as long as you like it because you see those sheets everyday. A word of caution, if you are monogramming linens as a gift, be sure to ask the recipient for her choice of monogram because it can be dicey, if you don't get it right. As you know, monogrammed linens can last for a very long time.

Codes + Conduct: Monogramming Towels
Q Should towels be monogramed with the wife's initials, the husband's or both?


A This is not an "either or answer" because quality towels last for a very long time; you are going to have to look at them day after day in your bathroom for absolutely ever, so: be creative. For instance, I love my maiden name monogram because it looks so really pretty on the towels in my bathroom. One daughter has her beautiful first name in script on hers, another has her chic monogram. Traditionally, your monogram consists of the initials of your first, middle and married name. If using script, the first initial of the married name is in the center and it is the largest. If using block, it is your first name initial, maiden name initial, and married name initial. Many couples get creative and have the first initial of their first names intertwined over the initial of their last name. Play around with different styles and different initials to come up with a monogram you both will enjoy looking at for a very long time. Nowadays, there is no right or wrong.

Codes + Conduct: Monogramming: Men + Women
Q Is monogramming the same for men and women?

A Actually, the style of the monogram customarily differs between men and women. For instance, a woman's bath towels would have the first initial of her last name larger and centered between the first letters of her first and maiden or middle name and they would be in script. For Edith Lorillard Cowley, it would be ECL, with the c larger. Whereas, a man's monogram on bar glasses would have the three initials, all the same size, with first name initial, followed by the middle initial, and then the last name initial last. For Robert W. Cowley, his bar glasses would be RWC. Traditionally, letters in script are used for the woman's monogram on linens, lace, and paper and block letters are used on a man's monogram for barware, leather goods, and metals.

Codes + Conduct: Monogramming: Shower Curtain
Q Hello Didi- I have a monogramming etiquette question.
My two daughters are sharing a Jack-and-Jill bathroom. I am having a shower curtain monogrammed for them. One daughter's name is Caroline and the other daughter's name is Claire. Our last name is Kesting. My question is, on the shower curtain, would it be proper to just monogramm it with a "C" for Caroline and Claire, or could I monogram the curtain with "cKc" for Caroline and Claire Kesting? Please advise! Thank you

A Monogramming is like a branding. When you join two monograms into one, you are essentially branding the two as a married couple. When my two daughters were young, their first names were spelled out and embroidered on their towels. Then when they got older I used their initials. Each daughter had her own monogrammed towels.

In your situation, for a shower curtain, just the large "K" would be the most practical. Alternatively, you could have both Caroline's and Claire's name embroidered on the shower curtain, but then eventually which daughter would get the shower curtain? That's the same dilemma they'll have if you monogram the shower curtain "cKc."

Depending upon the quality of that shower curtain, it could well be hanging around long after your daughters have homes of their own. Scary thought, I know, but just the nicely embroidered "K" will make it a fine guest bathroom shower curtain for years to come.

Codes + Conduct: Monograms: When the Wife Keeps Her Name
Q How to monogram for a couple when wife keeps maiden name?

A It often depends upon the item being monogrammed because traditionally linens have the woman's maiden name monogram, and silver barware have the man's. For other items when the woman has kept her maiden name, you would use the first initial of the last names often intertwining the two initials. Which initial appears first might depend upon the symmetry of the two letters. For instance wide letters such as "W," "M," and "H" might look better placed second, if the other initial is, say, an "I" or a "T." It also might depend if the letters are in block or script. Alternately, you might use the first initial of the given names and the first initial of the last names because four initials on monograms is quite common, for instance when the person has two middle names or when the woman has kept her maiden name. You might make the first initials of the two last names larger and place them in the middle. The first initial of the first names would be smaller and placed on the other side of the initial of the last name. Once again, it might depend upon the symmetry of the letters and the design. Traditionally, the woman's initials(s) would come first. Another style that is both traditional and contemporary is to use the first two initials of the first name. For instance on Marie Antoinette's headboard there were two initials, "M" for Marie and "L" for Louis. Don't forget etiquette was established under the Louis kings. Pick a style that suits you. The men in my father's family all had "L" as the first initial of their first, middle and last name and all of their silver is monogrammed 3/Ls. When using just the last name initials in block lettering, some couples hyphenate the two letters, as in C-W. When monogramming a present, it is always best to ask the recipient(s) if they have chosen a monogram, and use that.

Codes + Conduct: Monograms: Five Initials
Q What is the correct way to monogram an item for someone with five names (initials)?

A With five names, the initial of the last name would be in the center and it would be larger than the two initials on either side. The two initials on either side could be the initials of the first and middle names of a married couple. The woman's two initials would be first on the left and the man's on the right of the large center letter.

Codes + Conduct: Monograms: Using One Initial
Q What is the proper way to monogram an item when using only one initial?

A If you are using one initial only and you are, say, a single woman, you might use the first initial of your given name or the first initial of your last name on towels. For glassware, silverware and formal monograms, you would use the first initial of your last name.

Codes + Conduct: Mother-In-Law's Seventieth Birthday Costs
Q Dear Didi,
I just read the section your wrote for the Water Cooler book and knew you would be the person to answer my question. My mother-in-law is turning 70 in November, but due to scheduling and other issues we are traveling to visit her this weekend. My sister-in-law is planning a small party and we are contributing to the cost of that. My question is - when the real birth date rolls around, do we have to get another gift? I am fine with sending flowers or something small, but we are spending over $600 on plane tickets + about $100 toward the cost of this party and a lavish gift is not in our budget. My husband, not surprisingly, does not have an opinion on this.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Sara Masri

A You have generously contributed to the cost of the birthday party for your mother-in-law; you are using your own vacation time and money to travel in order to be with her to help celebrate her seventieth birthday--that's a lot. At seventy, most people are in the process of getting rid of stuff, so the last thing that she needs is more stuff. Why not call her on her real birthday to remind her of the fun time you had and, perhaps, send her flowers. You are not required to do more than that. However, you might want to send her a card. Older people love cards.

Codes + Conduct: Mr.
Q When do you call someone Mr.?


A When a man is your boss or superior (manager) or you are not on a first name basis, you would call him Mr. Smith. For instance, when a clerk returns your credit card after processing your purchase, he might say, "Thank you, Mr. Smith." A man in a superior position or an older man, might say, "John, please call me George," and then you would drop the Mr.

Codes + Conduct: Ms.
Q What is the abbreviation for miss or misses?

A Ms., which is pronounced Miz, is the contraction created to deal with addressing a woman who is not a doctor and whose marital status might be unknown. Ms. is commonly used, especially in the United States, to address most modern women who are not married.

Codes + Conduct: Ms.
Q When do you use Ms. in the lady's name if she is unmarried and has never married?

A A young woman over the age of eighteen is called Ms. When she marries she decides whether to keep her maiden name and stay a Ms. or use Mrs. It is safe to use Ms. for unmarried women and Mrs. for married women, if you don't know for sure how they prefer to be called.

Codes + Conduct: Name Stamps
Q Should one use a name stamp to sign a personal greeting card?

A It is always better to sign your name on a greeting card after writing a couple of personal sentences. The name stamp can be used on the back of the envelope.

Codes + Conduct: Name Used When Divorced With Children
Q I am recently divorced and want to change back to my maiden name. The problem is how do I do that with my child having my husband's last name and my being established in the business world with my husband's last name. Do I hyphonate his last name with my maiden name (i.e. Smith-maiden name)? Or how should I approach this?
Thanks,
Pam Huggett

A The hyphened name is kind of over. It has proved to be too complicated. Your child could be called by three names, as in Hillary Rodham Clinton or Alice Roosevelt Longworth. Since I don't know the age of your child, I am taking a gamble at suggesting that you discuss this important issue with your child. This is a common and relevant issue that should be decided on by the people involved. What you have to remember is the whole school and peer thing. At school you could be Mrs. Hillary with the child's last name; however, at work you could by your maiden name. As a writer, I wanted to keep my name, my pen name, which I've done, but in school-type situations I used my husband's last name. The important thing is to make your child feel comfortable with his or her name. This is an important decision. You need your identity, your child needs his or her identity. It is not a decision that is make lightly.

Codes + Conduct: Napkin Etiquette
Q When you have finished eating at a restaurant, do you fold your cloth napkin,and put it to your left? More of my question is do you have to fold it?

A When you are finished eating, whether you are in a restaurant of at home, you would leave your napkin in your lap until you got up from the table to leave. Before rising, you might fold your napkin once and leave it to the left side of your plate. Whatever you do, don't fold the napkin more than once because you are not recreating a clean napkin.

Codes + Conduct: Napkin Etiquette
Q Upon leaving the table to go to the rest room, where do you place your napkin? Some say on the left and some say on your chair.

A Leave your napkin casually folded to the left of your plate. If you leave it on your chair and a waiter or guest bumps the chair, your napkin might disappear under the table and you'll have to grovel on all fours looking for it.

Codes + Conduct: Napkin Etiquette for Women
Q Is there a proper way to wear a napkin for a woman at a meal so as to not stain my clothing?

A Think of the napkin as a scarf that you drape over your chest. Tuck it into your cleavage and cover your breasts with it.

Codes + Conduct: Napkins
Q When do you use napkins? Do you use them differently in different cultures?


A One uses a napkin every time one eats. Some cultures use their clothing or carry what we would refer to as a handkerchief as a napkin.

Codes + Conduct: Nasal Snorts + Nail Clipping
Q What is the proper etiquette in an office when someone with nasal problems has to snort? Is there an good way to handle others who do this? Also, what is the latest thinking around nail clipping?

A Proper etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. You might not want to humiliate the person with the nasal snort because it might be a medical problem that they are trying to deal with; you might ask if they are taking anything to clear up the snort or ask if it is some kind of a tic. All grooming should be done in the privacy of your home or in the men's room but you can joke about it to make the clipper aware that the act is annoying by saying, "What's up with clipping your nails at work, didn't anyone ever tell you not to do that in public?"

Codes + Conduct: New Baby Birthday Gift
Q What is proper for a new baby at birthday?


A One of my favorite traditional presents is to present the baby with a personalized gift, say, a handmade work of art for the wall of his or her room with their name. If you go to www.the birthdayboat.com, you will find great ideas. Or for less traditional, but more practical gifts, go to www.mama&bambino.com.

Codes + Conduct: New Baby Etiquette: Push Presents
Q My son and his wife live out of state and are expecting a baby very soon. I wanted to send a letter or note to family letting them know about the baby and where they are registered. How should this be done properly?

A Customarily, after the baby is born the parents send out an announcement card with the baby's name and date of birth along with a photo. The receiver of the card has the option of picking up the phone and asking the parent or grandparent where they are registered or what they would like, or just sending a gift card. Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. If you tell your friends about the baby and they ask you where they are registered, then you would tell them. The proper procedure is for you to give a list of names and addresses of your friends who have shown an interest in the baby to the baby's parents, so they can send each one a card with a photo. It is best not to list the registry on the card as it is a birth announcement, not a request for booty. I know that you are not going to like this answer, but you asked me how to do this properly. Soliciting for baby presents has been coined Push Presents with reason, so you are right to want to handle this properly.

Codes + Conduct: Nibbling the T-Bone
Q My husband's family is having this argument: is it ok to pick up a steak bone with your hands in a resturant and eat off the bone?

A It depends upon the restaurant. If it is a rib joint and the eating code is hands-on, then by all means pick up that bone and nibble away. However, if the restaurant is an upscale steak house with linen table cloths and napkins and very nice steak knives, the code says to use the steak knife.

Codes + Conduct: No Present for Godparent
Q When having a baptism do the parents of the child have to buy the godparents a present?

A No, the parents do not buy presents for the godparents. However, you would give them a nice lunch after the ceremony.

Codes + Conduct: No Thanks for Cash Gifts
Q What is the proper response on my part? I have sent checks to my niece and nephew every year on their birthday. I never get a thank-you or a phone call acknowledging receipt and thanks. So recently I stopped sending money. I sent a small gift to my niece last year and finally got a thank-you note. To my nephew I sent a card but received no comment. Should I try sending money again or just send cards and forget about their inability to say thanks?

A The true spirit of giving is in the giving, not what you expect in return. Family relationships are difficult to maintain, sending your niece and nephew presents is a social bid that they, apparently, don't return. As grown-ups it is up to us to work to sustain family connections and I commend you for your persistence. Don't give up. Keep sending those cards and checks, but don't expect anything in return. Cut them some slack and one day you may be pleasantly surprised. You never lose when you go up the ladder.

Codes + Conduct: Nosy Questions
Q How do I respond to the question "How much did it cost to hold this event here (location) when it's someone who is merely nosy?"

A It sounds as if you really don't want to give the nosy person the correct answer. Be polite, but vague. Say something such as, "More than one would expect," if you are trying to impress. Or, if you want to be humble, "Less than one would imagine." That is more than enough information. If the person persists, just repeat what you just said.

Codes + Conduct: Not Invited to Graduation Reception
Q Dear Didi, I just received an invitation to the high school graduation ceremony of my "friend's" daughter. I place "friend" in quotation marks because although I received an invitation to the ceremony, I am not invited to the open house party (200+ guests) held several days prior to the actual ceremony. The child graduating has babysat for my children in the past, and I am fond of her. There isn't a request for a response to attend the ceremony - should I ignore the snub and send a note of congratualations with a small gift, or should I ignore the event altogether? Thank you for your advice.

A Perhaps it was an oversight. Give the "friend" the benefit of the doubt and take the high road. Behave as though you did receive an invitation to the open house. Go to the graduation ceremony only if you really want to go.

Codes + Conduct: Not Talking with Food in Your Mouth
Q While eating does a person have to wait until they swallow their food before answering a question?- the not talking with food in your mouth rule.

A While dining it is easy to get caught up in conversation. We all do it, we all have to respond spontaneously to the other person between bites in order to keep the conversation lively. If you eat slowly and take small bites, you should be able to keep a conversation afloat while eating.

Codes + Conduct: Nursing In Public
Q What is the official etiquette on nursing in public? Not only for the nursing mothers, but the etiquette for people who notice someone nursing in public?

A Nowadays, many restaurants' and department stores' restrooms have chairs where a nursing mother can sit and nurse. Nursing is not a new concept. Women have been nursing their babies since Adam and Eve. Most mothers are aware of gawkers and will find a place where they can discreetly nurse their baby. When you see a mother nursing her baby, smile with encouragement, but do not stare. Move about your business.

Codes + Conduct: Office Etiquette
Q List for office bathroom etiquette. Plz my office is in need. thanks!!

A Don't eat smelly food or heat it up in the microwave.
Don't chew gum.
Don't smoke.
Don't leave the toilet seat up.
Don't allow your cellphone to ring.
Don't be on personal calls for longer than 5 minutes.
Don't take off your shoes, because they might stink.
Don't use strong colognes or aftershave.
Don't wear high heels if the floor is not carpeted.
Don't have stuffed animals or silly toys in your work area.
Don't engage in conversation outside someone else's office.
Don't use your outside voice inside.
Don't fart, belch, cough, or blow your nose around others.
Don't forget to respect your co-workers space and privacy.
Don't forget to use deodorant and practice good hygiene.
Don't gossip about your co-workers.
Don't humiliate a co-worker in front of another co-worker.
Don't ever criticize co-workers.
Don't forget the power of compromise.
Don't forget to clean up after yourself in the washroom.
Don't forget to tidy up your workplace before going home.
Don't forget to be considerate, compassionate and kind.

Codes + Conduct: Office Etiquette: Christmas Bonus
Q If a company is giving a Christmas bonus to its employees, when is the appropriate date in December to do this?

A The closer to Christmas that the Christmas bonus is given the better because families count on their Christmas bonus to pay Santa.

Codes + Conduct: Office Etiquette: Greetings
Q At the office, who should initiate a greeting, the employee or the boss?

A Actually, it is not a matter of hierarchy. Who speaks first is determined by who enters the office (room) last. The person arriving announces his arrival with a greeting.

Codes + Conduct: Office Party Etiquette: Eliminating Guests of Guests
Q I am hosting a corporate holiday party and have indicated on the addresses of the invitations who is invited (i.e. I did NOT write "and Guest" on any of the client invitations and nowhere in the invitation does it say to bring a guest). Most of the guests are responding that they will be attending with their spouse, one guy is bringing his nephew, and one has even responded that there will be 3 or 4 people in his party! Is there was a polite way to indicate to these people that only the person who the invitation is addressed to may attend? Thank you!

A There are many ways that this problem can be handled: 1) The invitation would say, "A Staff Only Holiday Party." 2) On each invitation there would be a blank space for the name of the one person invited to be written in by hand before mailed to the guest. 3) Even after making it clear that it is a "small" event and/or writing in the guest's name, do not have a voicemail to record the responses. Be sure that a real person answers the phone for all those replying to the invitation; that way when the guest says that he will be bringing four people, the person answering the phone would say, "We are sorry but the invitation is only extended to Mr. Smith. 4) Alternatively, you can include a response card for the guest to fill in one of two lines: I, "Charles Dickens" accept, and I, "Charles Dickens" regrets. 5) Another solution is to print loud and clear on the bottom of the invitation: "Sorry, employees only." If, as you say, the invitation has already gone out, a reminder can be sent out, e-mailed, and posted on bulletin boards stating: Just a reminder that this year the holiday party invitation is extended to employees only. Or, "Just a reminder that your invitation to the holiday party is only for the special addressed guest."

I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If you get the word out crystal-clear that spouses, other relatives, and friends are no longer included in the invitation, guests will think twice about bringing a guest or guests because they will be embarrassed to be the only one showing up with a guest. Old habits are hard to break, but through word of mouth, you can get the word out crystal-clear.

As I don't know if your guest list is strictly staff or clients as well, this is a rather general answer for an "office party." If clients are also invited, perhaps the response card where the guest writes in his name is best, and having a real person on the phone for the replies to make it clear that only Mr. Dickens is invited. In order to sound gracious instead on non-inclusive, why not try to incorporate the word "special" in addressing the guest, that way he or she will feel indeed feel special as opposed to slighted.

Codes + Conduct: Office: Toilet Etiquette
Q To whom it may concern:

I work in an office which is made up of predominantly females. The director is a male. We have a "unisex" rest room. Several of the females use this rest room, others use the public rest room located outside of our division. The male director and one other male in our office use the "unisex" rest room located in our division. The director lifts up the toilet seat when he uses the toilet, but then DOES NOT put the toilet seat back down. I personally have posted a notice in our rest room telling the men to put the toilet seat back down, but to no avail. Another female colleague approached the director and told him to his face to put the toilet seat down after he's used it, and he chuckled, and said maybe you should lift the toilet seat after you're done. Please help, don't know how to handle this matter. I've spoken with other female colleagues in the office and they are dismayed, too, as to how the male director, because he thinks he has power over us, can demean us in such a way. Thank you for your time.

A There are heavy issues here. First off, remember that it is very hard to teach an old dog a new trick. All his life he has been leaving the seat up, it might be impossible to break him of the habit. In life we have to pick our battles: you have to decide if this is one of them because old habits are really hard to break. You can try putting a large sign over the toilet that says, "Please be sure the seat is put back down before leaving. Many thanks." Or, "Please lower the seat before leaving. Many thanks."

It sounds as if this struggle has been going on for so long that he has his back up and will never give in. All you can do is to remind him to lower the seat. If you can get this bathroom in question designated as a Women only bathroom, then he will be forced to use the other facility. It might take some maneuvering, but a compromise such as this is the only solution. He would still presumably be able to leave the seat up or use a urinal in the other bathroom.

Codes + Conduct: Open Door Etiquette
Q How to open door in proper manners?

A The first person to reach the door opens it and holds it open for the next person. It would depend how far that next person is behind you as to how long you would hold the door for that next person, as well as how much of a hurry you are in at the time. If that next person is elderly, you might be more inclined to wait longer for that next person to reach the door. If you are a man, and that next person is a woman, you might also be more inclined to hold that door open longer. Whether you just hold the door open until that person arrives or go through the door first leaving that person to hold the door for the next person also depends upon how much of a rush you are in at the time. For instance during rush hour at your office building, you might pass the opened door on to the next person and that next person then holds it for the person following him. There is a debate as to how long you would wait for someone who does not seem to be in a rush. If you know the person, you would probably wait longer. If the person was, say, on crutches or using a cane, you would probably wait longer. In a public area, you wouldn't be expected to wait while holding the door open for a stranger, but in familiar territory, you would wait longer. When in doubt, ladies first.

Codes + Conduct: Opening Night Gift for Male Actor
Q What do you give a male actor on opening night?

A You might give a male actor on opening night a bottle of champagne, wine or his favorite vodka or whiskey.

Codes + Conduct: Order For Graduation
Q Is there a proper "order" for graduation?

A Traditionally, the order for graduation is alphabetical.

Codes + Conduct: Order of Eating Foods on the Plate
Q When served dinner, let's say, rice, vegetables and steak, is there a rule for what to eat first on your plate? Should you eat a little of everything or should you eat by sections? I eat my rice and vegetables first and leave the steak for last. My six-year-old daughter eats the same way. She says the reason she eats like that is because she says the meat has more flavor and wants to save the best for last. My husband told my daughter that she cannot eat like that because it's wrong. I told him that it's not wrong, I simply think it's a matter of choice. My three-year-old daughter eats everything at the same time. What do you think? Is it simply a matter of choice, or is there etiquette as to what has to be eaten and in what order? Please help us solve this problem. We love to contradict each other but this is ridiculous. We looked all over the internet and still haven't found anything that says what order to eat food. I agree that elbows off the table, chewing with your mouth closed, etc., are etiquette matters. I think what to eat in what order is a matter of personal taste, preference, choice, whatever you want to call it, but I don't think it's etiquette. Do you?

A Which food on your plate you eat first and in which order you eat the other food is, as you say, a matter of choice. Many people would mix a bit of their rice with a bit of their vegetables, push the mix onto their fork with their knife or a piece of bread, and eat the combination. Likewise with the meat. The idea being that the tastes compliment and enhance each other. It is definitely a matter of personal taste. The only reason one might eat the steak last is because the longer steak sits before cutting into it, the more juice will be retained in the meat allowing for a juicier chew. But then if there is juice from cutting into the meat on the plate, it would be absorbed into the rice and vegetables making them ever so more delicious.

Codes + Conduct: Ordering for a Lady
Q Why does the gentleman order for the lady at restaurants?

A The gentleman is courting the lady, wooing her into making her feel that she is being well taken care of. He wants her to feel that when she is with him, he makes sure that everything is just the way she wants it. So: he asks her what she would like to eat and then he tells the waiter, making sure that he understands, say, that she wants her lamb medium rare. In earlier times, the lady would not interact with the waiter. For many women it is greatly romantic when the man takes charge, even when it is just ordering a meal.

Codes + Conduct: Origin of the Word Etiquette
Q What is the origin of the word "Etiquette"?

A According to Confucius, if there was proper etiquette for every possible situation, it would be a perfect world because everyone would know how to get along with everyone with whom they come in contact. It is no surprise that the oldest book in the world is a book on etiquette that contains the pharaoh Ptah Hotep's guide to advising parents how to bring up well behaved children. The word "etiquette" became popular under the reign of Louis XIV.

Codes + Conduct: P.M. + PM
Q How do you type time, is it P.M. or PM?

A P.M. is correct; however, on contemporary invitations one often sees P.M. without the periods.

Codes + Conduct: Pageant Queen + Crown
Q What is the correct etiquette for pageant queens making a guest appearance at another pageant? Should they wear their crown?

A Would an ice hockey player wear his shirt when appearing at another league event? He sure would, he would wear his team colors proudly. Wouldn't the pageant queen do the same? You would have to check with the officials first.

Codes + Conduct: Pampering for Men
Q How can I get my man to a salon to have his back hair waxed, his eyebrows waxed, and a pedicure and a manicure? He won't go to where I go because he says he doesn't want to be seen by the wife of one of his poker buddies.

A Your man won't be ridiculed by his poker buddies if he goes to a male salon. There are a growing number of chains with names such as American Male, Men's Grooming Center, Sports Clip and Art of Shaving filling the needs for services the traditional barbershops did not. Male salons are becoming hugely popular because they offer more than a shave and a haircut, for instance: free beer, chest and back waxing, massages, and nail grooming sans polish, as well as haircuts and shaves. Some have sports themes with TVs turned to sports channels. Some let you smoke cigars. Manicures and pedicures are called hand and foot detailing, and covering one's gray hair is referred to as getting a camouflage. Needless to say, they are not your father's barbershop, or your mom's beauty salon. Find him a male salon advertising in your local peridocial and buy him a gift certificate when you go there to check it out.

Codes + Conduct: Party Etiquette: Accepting Invitations
Q My husband thinks one is duty-bound to accept an invitation unless something else had been legitimately planned. I think one can politely refuse most invitations.

A You are correct. An invitation is a social bid that, if accepted, would have to be reciprocated. If order to sustain the relationship, you would have to reciprocate.

Codes + Conduct: Party Etiquette: Eating Appetizers With Gloves On
Q While at a formal party, how does one eat passed appetizers while wearing gloves?

A It is ever so slightly tricky, but once you get the hang of eating with your gloves on, it might amuse you to show off your skill. Practice at home first. Unbutton the glove's buttons, pull the fingers of the glove off your fingers so that your fingers are gloveless and sticking through the opening where the buttons are unbuttoned; fold back the glove fingers in one unified fold, ever so neatly, under the glove at the wrist opening. Once both gloves are secured under the wrist, you might find it more comfortable to turn the gloves around so that the bulkier part faces down, or you might get to be so proficient that one would barely notice that you had tucked your glove's fingers back into your glove. Once you are seated at your table, you might want to remove the gloves while you are eating your dinner and place them in your evening bag. However, if you look around, you might see several ladies eating with their gloves "on," too.

Codes + Conduct: Paying the Check
Q What should one do if the check is put in front of him and he is the guest who was invited?

A If you've been instructing the waiter and acting like the host, you will have signaled to the waiter that you are the host. If the waiter brings you the check, and you are the guest, you would wait until the host puts out his hand to take the check. The person who did the asking to set up the meeting pays the check unless otherwise designated ahead of time. Get up and go to the men's room. Take your time, check your cellphone for messages, and return to the table. If the check is still sitting there unpaid, excuse yourself and say that you have to "get back to work" or "get to another meeting" leaving him with the unpaid check. If the host is a friend, you might offer to split the check with him or offer to leave the tip, because if he is being stingy, you want to make sure that the waitstaff gets a fair gratuity.

Codes + Conduct: People Who Interrupt
Q I work as a secretary in a prison. There is one captain that I think is extremely rude when I am on the phone with someone else. She will lean on my desk and try to interrupt when I am on an important call. How can I get through to this person to wait till I am off the phone?

A In my opinion, the only way to handle this situation is to put that annoying person in your shoes in order to get her to understand the problem that you have with her interrupting you while you are on the phone. Next time that happens, put the caller on hold and say something such as this to the captain, "How would you like it if someone interrupted you while you were trying to handle a call? Excuse me while I finish up this call. You'll have to come back later." By asking a question, you get the person thinking about how she would feel if she were the person being interrupted. That way you are establishing boundaries.

Codes + Conduct: Personal Etiquette
Q What is personal etiquette?


A Personal etiquette is your behavior with the people around you in your family and circle of friends socially, as opposed to how you behave in the world around you: business etiquette, cubicle etiquette, professional etiquette, health club etiquette, tennis etiquette, golf etiquette, restaurant etiquette, wedding etiquette, airplane etiquette, party etiquette, yachting etiquette, hunting etiquette, wedding etiquette, private club etiquette---to name quite a few.

Codes + Conduct: Personal Letterhead Signature
Q What is the proper way of signing a letter written on your personal letterhead....do you type your name at the bottom or not?

A When using personal letterhead for a social reason, say a for a thank-you note or expression of sympathy, you would not need to sign your last name if that same last name is on your letterhead. If the stationery has a monogram, then you would write out your full name. If this is a business letterhead, you would type out your name and then sign your name above that. Because a business letter is officially a document, you would sign full name over the typed name. The exception would be, if you are addressing the letter to just the person's first name. Then you would sign just your first name above the typed full name. Just as the address would be above the greeting Dear John: with John's full name and title. Like this:

Mr. John Doe
President
name of business
address

Dear John:

body of the letter

Sincerely,
sign your first name, if you use his first name
George Harrison

Codes + Conduct: Ph.D. Gift
Q My cousin received his second PhD and sent an announcement after it was conferred. He is close to 60 years old and already in the working world. Is a gift required and what type of gift would be appropriate?

A You are not required to give a gift. You can either send your cousin a handwritten, heartfelt note congratulating him, or a greeting card on which you've included a line or two of your own before signing your name.

Your cousin did not send you an announcement because he wanted a gift, he sent it to you because he's proud of his achievement. You are under no obligation, whatsoever, to send him a gift. However, if you feel that you should, then send him a book.

Codes + Conduct: PHD + MD: Which Goes First
Q My husband has a pHD and MD, so when he writes letters, he puts his name with MD, pHD but I thought it should be the other way around. He got his pHD first, then got his MD several years later.

Which is correct?

A When listing it is chronological. There is great discussion as to whether it should be chronological or alphabetical. If your husband choses chronological than you need to go with the flow. There are battles in marriages but this is one that is in his court.

Codes + Conduct: Phone Etiquette: Answering the Phone
Q Where can I find information on telephone etiquette both for answering the telephone and taking messages? I need this information for a life skills class free if possible.

A You might role play various scenarios with the students. They would answer the phone announcing the company or person's name whose phone it is and then ask "How may I direct your call?" If the person is not available, they would ask for a name and phone number and they would repeat the information back to the caller remembering to spell out the name of the person or/company, if it is unfamiliar to them.

Codes + Conduct: Phone Etiquette: Call Waiting + Waiting
Q What is the waiting time for call waiting?


A A truly good friend might keep you waiting while trying to disengage from another call and it won't seem annoying, but when it is not a good friend and you cannot multitask by doing something else while waiting, then hang up if you feel that you have been forgotten. Even the truly good friend will acknowledge that it was fine that you hung up. Wait the amount of time that you think it should take to disengage from a call and then hang up. You can always call back at another time and say that you couldn't wait. The polite thing to do when you find that you are having difficulty disengaging to take a second call is simply to tell the person that you will be right back and then say to the new caller, "I'll have to call you back."

Codes + Conduct: Phone Etiquette: Physicians
Q WHEN ONE PHYSICIAN PHONES ANOTHER PHYSICIAN, WHO SHOULD BE ON THE PHONE WAITING FIRST?? SHOULD THE MD THAT CALLED BE WAITING FOR THE MD TO PICK UP THE PHONE OF VICE VERSA??

A The person initiating the phone call waits or asks to set up a time to speak. As the person initiating the call is the person requesting something, he or she should be the one to be considerate of the recipient's time.

Codes + Conduct: Phony Smiles
Q In job interviews they tell us we are supposed to smile, which is fine but forcing a smile just to smile always looks fake to me. How can I give the appearance of smiling politely when someone asks me a thought provoking question without looking like a phony?

A Psychoanalysts report that the characteristic that differentiates the phony smile from a natural one is that a phony smile ends at the mouth whereas a real smile radiates to the eyes. To create a believable smile, you have to feel your cheeks squeezing as the corners of your mouth turn up. Practice in front of a mirror until your cheeks are apple-shaped. It feels good and can even improve your mood.

Codes + Conduct: Picking Up the Check
Q What should one do if check is put in front of his guest?

A The host would signal the waiter to bring the check to him. If the host isn't paying attention and the guest is given the check, then he would put out his hand and take the check. Many gentlemen will ask for the check on their way to the men's room and either pay the check on their way back to the table or instruct the waiter to bring them the check at the table. As a host, you make it clear to the waiter who is hosting.

Codes + Conduct: Pointing
Q Is it ever good manners to point while speaking to someone, either pointing upward as in "1st of all" and "2nd of all", etc.? Isn't this a form of pontificating?

A I totally agree with you. My husband of 29 years points all the time and I have never been able to get it through to him that it is rude to point. One of his parents must have been a pointer and so he picked it up very young. That is the kind of habit that is hard to break, so I've given up. Yes, I would certainly say that it is a form of pontificating.

Codes + Conduct: Pointing Etiquette
Q My mother says that it is rude to point under ANY circimstances. I believe that it would be appropriate to point when giving directions or indicating signs or locations. Please can you tell me which of us is correct?

A Pointing gets a bad rap because too many people wag their pointing finger at the person whom they are scolding. Instead of using your pointing finger, why not gesture or point with your whole hand in the direction that you are suggesting.

Codes + Conduct: Pointing Fingers
Q Is it incorrect to "point " with your index finger when you are in a gym to identify someone across the gym?

A Actually the gym might be the only acceptable place where pointing your index finger is appropriate. The coach will point to a play meaning YOU.

Codes + Conduct: Pointy Heeled Guests
Q How do you ask guests not to wear high heels into your home?


A It is a huge problem, if you have soft wood floors. Unfortunately, at a party you usually don't realize it until the next day. Have an attractive basket of slip-on Chinese slippers at the front door and as you greet each guest, try to assess the footwear of each woman. Politely ask anyone with pointy heels to trade their heels for your attractive slippers for the evening. If you can point to where damage has been done in the past, they will understand.

Codes + Conduct: Politics: Running Against Friends
Q In a political situation, if you have been asked to run for an office that you have always had interest in and to turn it down may affect your currect standing in the appointed office which you now hold - but this year it happens to fall against a long-standing personal friend / family, what is the proper etiquette for announcing your candidacy? ... and should you consider it? or consider it, but present it - personally - to the person opposing - - first? and how?

A You would consult with your political advisor and he or she would no doubt tell you to run anyway. If you hold back and wait, there might always be an excuse not to run. We just had a similar situation in Rhode Island where Sheldon Whitehouse ran against family friend Lincoln Chafee, who had inherited the Senate seat from his father. Sheldon took a huge risk, focused, and won. Not only were Sheldon and Linc's fathers great friends but their sons are in the same class in school.

Codes + Conduct: Preferred Way to Eat
Q When eating, if right-handed, in which hand do you place your fork and knife?

A It might depend upon how you were taught to eat as a child because it is difficult to teach an old dog a new trick. We learn how to eat from our parents within a year of our birth. The preferred way to eat is to eat with the fork in your right hand, switching the fork to your left hand only when prongs need to be poked into the meat to stabilize it while the right hand cuts the meat with your knife. When the piece of meat is cut, the right hand lays the knife down on the side of the plate and takes the fork out of the left hand to eat the piece of meat.

Codes + Conduct: Prefix After Divorce
Q What prefix do you use for a divorcee?

A When you are divorced, your husband becomes your ex-husband, your in-laws become your ex-mother-in-law and your ex-father-in-law. You become the ex-wife.

Codes + Conduct: Present for Baptism
Q We are grandparents who have been invited to our one year- old granddaughter's baptism. Should we bring a gift for the baby?

A No doubt, the baby's parents would greatly appreciate a gift for their new child.

Codes + Conduct: Presents: A Gift in the Form of a Check
Q How long should you wait to cash gift checks?

A The sooner you deposit the check the better because nothing is more of a hassle than trying to make good on a check that you've lost.

Codes + Conduct: Pressure to Buy from Friends
Q I am invited by a friend of mine to an exclusive preview of her fine jewelry collection. How can I say no nicely?( I have no money to spend on expensive jewelry).

A Do not be intimidated by the fact that it is an exclusive preview of your friend's fine jewelry collection. If you do not want to attend, that's one thing. Just tell her that you have a prior commitment that you cannot break and leave it at that. People will respect the fact that you do not break prior engagements. If, in fact, you would like to attend the preview, remember that these events are about the circle of friends---the guests. Without the guests, the preview falls flat. She needs your cache, your presence, and the presence of her other friends in order to make a good showing. Just because you attend the preview, it doesn't mean that you have to buy any of the jewelry. If you decide to attend, compliment your friend on her talent, particular pieces of jewelry, her party, and the crowd. Tell her that as much as you would just love to have, say, "that fabulous brooch," you are over "budgeted-out." Or that you are sorry, but you are watching your budget for the rest of the year. By using the word "budget", you are telling her that you have money, but that you are careful with your money. So, be positive by supporting your friend's business with kind words, but also let her know that you're not spending money on jewels just now. To be safe, tote a very small clutch bag with only enough money in it for car fare.

Codes + Conduct: Pretzels
Q What is the proper way to eat pretzels?

A Pretzels are lightweight, which means you would eat them with one hand only. Be sure to brush the salt from your face with a paper napkin. You do not have to break the pretzel into pieces before eating it because the more it is handled, the less salt will remain on the pretzel.

Codes + Conduct: Princess Etiquette
Q How are princesses supposed to act when around other princesses and princes?

A A princess should be herself at all times.

Codes + Conduct: Princesses in Training
Q A college friend and I are leaders for this group of 9th grade girls. We call our group Princesses in Training. We were wondering if you could give us some princess etiquette tips that we can tell them, such as: how to act around boys that are friends , and boyfriends, how a princess should sit, walk, and well basically how a princess should act! We have been looking for princess etiquette everywhere and have not really been able to find anything. If you can help that would be wonderful! Thank you so much!

A A Guide for Being a Princess

*Respect yourself and others.
*Take yourself seriously and focus on getting a great education.
*Behave as you would if people were looking up to you to find out how to behave themselves.
*Never boast about what you have and where you're from.
*Always treat staff and servers kindly.
*Accept all compliments gracefully.
*Be well groomed at all times.
*Be considerate of others.
*Don't tease boys because you don't want boys to tease you.
*Refer to boys who like you but whom you don't like anymore than as just a friend as "my friend" when talking to him.
*Don't disrespect your body by letting people take advantage of you.
*Show your gratitude by saying thank you and writing thank-you notes.
*Always have good posture and smile.
*For healthy skin eat lots of fruit and vegetables and drink water instead of soda caffeine.
*Exercise every day.
*Get good at a sport so you can do sports with others.
*Be a good role model to the younger kids by starting recycling projects in your community.
*Talk to your parents about your problems because they won't know you need help with solving your dilemmas, if you don't tell them.
*Give your parent or guardian a hug everyday because parents need hugs, too.
*Remember that behaving badly has serious consequences.
*Don't be a hypocrite and talk about people behind their back.
*The best boyfriends are really good friends first.
*Instead of abusing substances to deal with stress, exercise, exercise.
*Risky behavior has serious consequences.

Why not have the girls make up their own list as a project and create The Proper Princess's Code of Behavior. You are welcome to use my Dos, Don'ts, and Tips of the Day, if they might help to give them more ideas.

Codes + Conduct: Private Club Etiquette
Q What is the standard for writing thank-you cards to a board of governors after being interviewed for possible admission to a private club?


A Actually, one does not write members of the board of a private club a thank-you note for an interview. If you are admitted to the club, you might invite each board member and his spouse for dinner or lunch at the club within the year.

Codes + Conduct: Program Donor Name
Q In compiling a list of donors for a program, how are couples listed (assuming we want to use first names)? Is it John and Jane Doe or Jane and John Doe?

A In fund raising especially, people are often extremely sensitive about how they are listed on the program so you would need to email or phone each donor in question to ask how they wish to be listed. Most non-profit organizations have a line on their contribution enclosures that says something like this: How do you wish to be listed on the program?

Codes + Conduct: Prom Date Is Late
Q What do you do when your prom date is 30 minutes late?

A Don't take it personally. He might have run out of gas or went to use his ATM card and couldn't get any money. Give him another ten minutes then call his house to make sure nothing awful happened to him.

Codes + Conduct: Proper Church Etiquette
Q What is proper etiquette for church worship and attire?

A It would depend upon the church. Even same denomination churches just miles apart might have different church etiquette. A man always takes off his hat upon entering a church. Umbrellas are best left near the door, especially if they are wet. The best thing to do is to sit up front where the regular church goers usually sit and observe. For instance, in many churches you would make a slight bow towards the altar before entering the pew and then again when you leave the pew. After entering the church, you most likely would have taken your coat off and folded it over your arm ready to place it beside you in your pew. If you had a family, you would pile their coats neatly on top. In many churches,, at the "Peace" everyone shakes hands with the people in their pew as well as with those in the pew ahead and behind. The exception might be that you would gently kiss your spouse and children. Extend your right hand to friends and strangers and say, "Peace," as you smile and look them in the eye while briefly shaking their hand. If you are a baptized Christian, you would take communion. It is customary to put folded money or a check in the plate when the silver plate or basket is passed down your pew. Read over your program and follow along in the Book of Common Prayer reading out loud when it designates to do so. Many people kneel at their pew upon entering the pew and again after the service to offer a silent pray. Older people are not expected to kneel and often sit while the hymns are being sung. In many churches you will find that when prayers are said everyone kneels. When leaving the church, customarily you would shake hands with the rector or whoever is officiating. Introduce yourself briefly as a newcomer or a visitor and then introduce your spouse and children. To become a member of a church, you would fill out the card that is for newcomers in the pew or at the entrance of the church either there or mail it in. You will be contacted by a member of the Newcomers Committee, who will know, say, about the Sunday School, the outreach volunteer programs, or prayer study groups. As far as attire, it would greatly depend upon your gender, the time of year and perhaps the climate. In general men's legs and arms are covered. Some churches are air-conditioned in summer and some year-round. It goes without saying that midriffs and belly buttons are not displayed in church. At holiday time, parishioners get more dressed up. In a big city, men are more apt to wear jackets and ties and even suits, overcoats, and hats. In rural areas everyday work clothes are acceptable. After the service, very often there is a coffee hour when parishioners mingle and introduce themselves. The church bulletin will have a calendar with a list of activities and times of service. Remember that "high" churches tend to be more formal than, say, a church in a rural farm community, and attire would follow suit.

Codes + Conduct: Proper Conduct of a Modest Lady
Q Proper conduct of modest lady



A A modest lady would be nice, nice, nice. She would have exquisite manners. Her speech would not have affectations. But on the other hand, she would have perfect diction annunciating every word; for instance putting "ts" where they belong. Leave the English accent to the English. According to the Newport writer Maude Howe, the meaning of "lady" was in the eye of the beholder. Don't be disrespectful, ostentatious, or pretentious. Say thank you at every opportunity. As Benjamin Disraeli once wrote, "Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few." To read more tips on how to be a modest lady, you are welcome to return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com, and click on the Etiquette Dos and Etiquette Don'ts.

Codes + Conduct: Proper Restroom Etiquette
Q What is proper bathroom etiquette in the work place?


A Since you do not take a bath at your office, you would call it: Polite Restroom Etiquette

Knock before entering.
Allow the person coming out to walk out before entering.
Wait your turn in line.
Be sure to flush, clean off the seat, and lower the seat.
Do not leave the water running.
Wipe around the sink that you use.
Do not brush your hair over the sink.
Dispose of your paper towel properly.

Codes + Conduct: Proper Time to Wear White
Q When is the proper time to wear white clothes?

A Any time of year in a warm climate. Winter whites were popular this past winter, and this season Spring white is the new black. There is no fashion police or rule of fashion carved in stone. Don't wear white to a wedding unless you are the bride getting married. Many private tennis and croquet courts are "White Attire Only" and some weddings and debutante balls are "White Tie."

Codes + Conduct: Proper Way to Discard the American Flag
Q What is the approved way to discard a faded U.S. flag?

A The proper way to discard a faded U.S. flag is to burn it. Not in a public display, but a tasteful and somber ceremony. If you are uncomfortable or unable to burn the flag, telephone your local fire department or boys scout or girls scout troupe and ask if they will discard the flag for you.

Codes + Conduct: P's & Q's
Q There is an old saying: Mind your P's & Q's... What does that stand for?

A The old saying, "mind your p's and q's" originated around 1770-80 in reference to children who had difficulty distinguishing the two letters. The expression was used to teach children the way to act: "He was told to watch his p's and q's." The expression has come to refer to socially correct behavior: manners.

Codes + Conduct: Purpose of This Web Site
Q Not exactly an etiquette question, but how or do you make money from your website? By the way I love it. Thanks.

A Great question.

I created NewportManners.com as a research tool for my book in progress, Newport Etiquette & Modern Manners. I wanted to write about what people want to know about in our time and not just what I want people to know about etiquette and manners. It has been a huge eye-opener. I've learned a tremendous amount from the thousands of questions that I've received over the past five years about this country and its many cultures, and, most importantly, about human behavior For instance, in general, people really do want to do the right thing. They get upset when they feel that someone has behaved badly and want to know how to respond or how to correct that bad behavior.

I've also witnessed etiquette evolve through changing economic times: increasingly more destination weddings, wedding couples wanting monetary gifts towards the down payment of a house or to seed a business, fewer traditional wedding dresses, adoptive parents asking to be reimbursed for their casket floral spray and travel expenses to attend their adopted son's funeral. Friends annoyed that they have to divide evenly the restaurant bill with heavy drinkers, because they don't drink.

The relationship problems within extended and blended families never cease to amaze me. People write for advice when they've lost a loved one or, for instance, their best friend's son committed suicide; how long does a widow wait before shedding her wedding band? A stepfather, who never had children of his own, wanted to know proper etiquette with his new step-daughter. Does he pull out her chair when her mother is being seated by the waiter? Does he stand when the stepdaughter returns to the table?

My stats show me that I have many foreign visitors. They want to know various customs for entertaining and when being entertained, as well as information about dress codes and how to address a certain dignitary; how to set a table or use a knife and fork.

Dress codes, wedding, funeral, and business etiquette, and how to address people, along with relationship advice take up most of the space in my Web site's archives. A Texas mother wanted to know what to teach her three young lads about Western hat etiquette. Another mother wanted to show her debutante daughter how to eat dinner wearing long white gloves. Believe it or not, half of the queries come from men. Can a brother be a man-of-honor for his sister? What to do when invitations go astray? Do you call the bride's mother or let it slide? Can a gay male couple have a bridal registry?

There are huge problems when cultures collide: the groom's mother wants a money tree displayed on which guests are to tack large bills and the bride's mother is horrified. When does a grandfather stop giving adult children and stepchildren, and all their children gifts? How to handle the boss's wife when she questions you about her husband's hooker during a business trip you both took to NYC?

You asked about my reward: if you read the hundreds of thank-you notes that I've received, you would feel good about what I do, too.

Codes + Conduct: Pushers
Q What should you use to push food onto a fork?

A Use either your dinner knife or a "pusher." A pusher is usually a piece of bread or toast that you would use to nudge the food gently on to the fork.

Codes + Conduct: Pushing Food with Your Fingers
Q Should one use a knife or fingers to push food onto a fork? Please, don't laugh. Most of my family use their fingers and I cringe.

A They should use either their knife or a pusher to coax the food gently onto the fork. A pusher can be a piece of bread, toast, or a cracker.

Codes + Conduct: Raffle Donation
Q I'm not sure if this is a matter of etiquette or not. I recently won a 50/50 raffle from an organization that my child participates in. Is it proper etiquette to give some of that money back to the organization, or is it assumed that the organization raised the other half of the "50/50"? Thanks.

A I am sure the organization would be extremely grateful to you if you donated your half back to the organization.

Codes + Conduct: Real Estate Agent's Advice
Q I'm not sure I'm in the correct venue for my predicament, but I'll ask anyway. My wife and I are in the market to potentially buy a new home. We're being very picky. We very much like our home; it's just that the location is, well, not practical. With that in mind, we're in no huge rush and the situation has to be "just right." So we enlisted the assistance of a real estate agent to help us find that "perfect" new abode. Knowing it may not come to fruition, we have not placed our home on the market. Yet the agent has been out to our house and taken pictures and given advice on how to better prepare our home for sale. Since that time, word has gotten out that we may be moving. We've received a couple of inquiries about selling our house . . . while it's not marketed and the agent is not involved. The burning question: If we engage in dialogue with potential buyers, prior to our home even being advertised for sale, and end up cutting a deal, are we going to be viewed as circumnavigating the agent, or even worse, doing something that is just plain wrong?? If I'm in the wrong domain to be asking this question, can you direct me to the proper site? Thanks in advance. You have a very interesting, and, judging by society today, much underused, website.

A If you sell your house on your own prior to signing a listing agreement with your real estate agent, you are not doing anything wrong. This situation occurs frequently and there is no reason to think you are circumventing your agent.

From what you have told me, it sounds like your agent has made the natural assumption that you plan to list your house with her/him. I strongly suggest that you have a candid conversation with your agent and openly explain your intentions. I would make it clear that if you do decide to list the house, you will list it with him/her. A good agent will understand and endorse your approach. The agent might even offer continued guidance while your house is "For Sale by Owner." This would be the professional approach for the agent to follow.

You might offer a "referral" fee to the agent of somewhere between 10% and 25% depending upon how much time the agent spent advising you. That is the percentage range another agent would pay an agent who assisted the seller, but who did not close the deal.

Codes + Conduct: Reapplying Lipstick at Dinner
Q Is it socially acceptable to repair your lipstick at the dinner table of a restaurant?

A It all depends how the lipstick is reapplied. If you start by lining your lips with a pencil, then coating your lips with lipstick, and finally polishing them with lip gloss, that's way too personal. On the other hand, if you delicately reapply your lipstick as swiftly as possible, the act of bringing your lips to the attention of the man seated across from can be rather alluring.

Codes + Conduct: Reapplying Lipstick at Table
Q Is it proper to apply lipstick at table?

A Glamorous mothers of the current boomers flaunted their gold and jewel encrusted compacts and lipsticks at parties and nightclubs. These days we are lucky if we can find our lipstick at the bottom or our bag and if we do, there is no quick fix if you're going to do it right. There is the lipstick liner, the actual tube of lipstick, and then the coating of gloss. I feel more comfortable going to the ladies' room to perform this arduous ritual; however, there are occasions when no one is looking when I will whip out a tinted lip gloss after the meal is cleared away.

Codes + Conduct: Reasons for Etiquette
Q What are three reasons we follow good etiquette?


A Good etiquette is based on consideration and compassion. The third reason for good etiquette is that we adults are models of behavior for the people in our lives who are younger; how we handle difficult dilemmas and solve social problems is how they learn proper behavior.

Codes + Conduct: Recognition Wall: Listing Honorees
Q I am listing names of donors on a Recognition Wall at our church. Should I follow the protocol of not separating the husband's first name from his last name? We are not using Mr. & Mrs on the wall, we are using "john and jane doe". Should I switch the order?

Also, some persons are listing their children. Which is more appropriate:
The Doe Family: John, Jane, Billy and Sue or
John, Jane, Billy and Sue Doe?

A Follow the already established style of the Recognition Wall and keep to that style. If you are just establishing a style, then you can list donors in a number of ways, but this decision should be voted on by the selectmen of the church at the next meeting. Once you set the style, it is best to follow that style going forward.

Currently, the most popular way to list married couples on public recognition plaques is this way:

John W. and Alice G. Bennett and Family

In my opinion, you wouldn't list "The Doe Family" because down the line, there might be other Doe families and Sue and Jane might marry someday and change their last name. Furthermore, John Doe, Jr., and Billy Doe might eventually have their own families. Also, for safety reasons, parents might not want to have the names of their young children listed in a public place.

If the family is long established in the church, then, in recognition of that, you might want to spell out the other family names, this way:

John Warren and Alice Grant Bennett and Family

Codes + Conduct: Recommendation Letters: Co-op Board
Q If I am writing a letter of recommendation to the board of a building for someone who is buying an apartment there, how do I address the letter? Dear Board of Directors ..or some other way?

A When writing letters to co-op boards, address them to: The Board of Directors and the address of the building (or c/o the building's managing agent), and use the salutation: "Ladies and Gentlemen."

Codes + Conduct: Regretting
Q What is the best way to reject an invitation to a dinner?

A You might say, "I am sorry, but I am unable to come (attend, if in writing). Or, a phrase I personally love to use is this: I am sorry, but I am unable to attend because I am already spoken for." Don't you love it?

Codes + Conduct: Requesting Coffee Before Dessert
Q Should coffee be requested only after the main course is finished and before dessert is served?

A Yes.

Codes + Conduct: Resort Attire
Q Proper attire for a company awards banquet that is "resort attire"? Event from 6pm-10pm. Should I wear a dress or can I wear black slacks with a blouse?

A As I don't know if you are in Miami, LA, NYC, or Boston, it is a tough call. Resort attire can be either Ralph Lauren Southampton or Hawaiian South Beach. You can wear a flirty dress or black slacks and a blouse, but, whichever, show some resort skin.

Codes + Conduct: Responding to Graduation Invitation
Q I just received an invitation to a graduation ceremony for someone who has completed their internship. Should I send a card with a check inside, or just a card, or what??? Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks much. Debbie Durham

A It depends upon your relationship to the graduate and if you are treated to a meal for attending the ceremony. If you attend a party in celebration of the event, then you might send a card with a small check. If you are not attending, you are not obligated to send a check; however, in order to sustain the relationship, you might want to send a card.

Codes + Conduct: Restaurant Etiquette: Splitting Courses
Q I am taking my girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant for our anniversary. Typically when we go out to eat we split a main course. Is this ok for very high-end dining? If we do, should we split the first course as well?

A Why shouldn't people who don't have enough money to eat in a good restaurant not be able to split courses? Yes, split both courses. Remember, you have to realize that the only person who will be upset is the waiter or waitress because the less you order, the less tip you leave him or her. So: go up the ladder and be extremely nice and kind to the waitstaff and be sure to tip at least 20% of the total before tax.

Codes + Conduct: Restaurant Etiquette: Where to Put Your Purse
Q Where do I put my purse when at a restaurant?


A It depends upon the restaurant. One of my favorite restaurants in New York City brings an upholstered stool just for the lady's bag. If it is a small evening bag, you might be able to place it on the table in front of your plate. If it has a strap, you might be able to straddle the strap over the back of your chair. Usually I place it beside my chair, but under it enough so that the waitstaff doesn't kick it. If the restaurant is very busy and sketchy, I will place my bag between my feet when I am seated.

Codes + Conduct: Restaurant Etiquette: Who Orders First
Q Who orders first? the host or the guest? why?

A The order is thus: the host picks up the menu and decides what he or she is going to order and turns to the guest and says, "I am going to start with the clam chowder followed by the halibut. What do you think you would you like Charlie?" Basically by telling Charlie what you are ordering, you are setting the price and the pace of the meal: Charlie is therefore welcome to order an appetizer and an entree. When the dessert menu is handed out and you, say, don't want dessert yourself, you would say, "I'm just having coffee, Charlie, but I highly recommend the deep dish blueberry pie a la mode." That way Charlie knows that he is being offered dessert and coffee. Usually the waiter picks up on who is hosting and will catch the attention of that person to take his or her order. A good waiter would know to ask the woman first what she would like to order. If it was a sexy date, the man would ask the woman what she wants after telling her what he is ordering and then order what she tells him what she would like to eat. On a sexy date, the man communicates the woman's order and any of her dining needs to the waiter. For instance, he would ask if she likes the wine, if her meat or fish is cooked to her liking. So, in my opinion, it depends upon the situation who orders first. The guest orders first after the host has told him how many courses he or she is having, but on a date the man tells the waiter what the woman wants.

Codes + Conduct: Restaurant Etiquette: Entering + Leaving
Q When entering a restaurant, should the male or female lead the way in to the table, and who should lead the way out?

A A gentleman holds the door open, if there is no doorman, and the woman proceeds through the open doorway. Usually there is a greeter who checks the reservation, takes coats, and leads the patrons to their table. The greeter leads the way, the woman follows the greeter, and the man follows the woman. If the greeter doesn't pull out the woman's chair, the man does so. Before being seated, the man asks the woman if the table is all right. If she says, yes, they are seated. A lady has the self-confidence to lead the way out of the restaurant.

Codes + Conduct: Restaurants: Sending Back Food
Q Does one return a meal to the chef if one is not satisfied with it (underdone, overdone, smells bad)? One family member insists that it is rude to do so in the presence of people like a boss or a client and depending upon who picks up the tab. She says do not eat it and go home hungry (again in certain circumstances). I say to gently and quietly signal the waiter for a new meal, doesn't matter who is there or who is paying. one should not pay for a bad piece of meat (underdone, bad, etc.). It seems to be rude to specifically not eat something sitting in front of you. By the way this is the same family member who returned two gifts to me because she did not like them!



A Quietly signal the waiter and briefly explain what is wrong with the meal. If you are discreet and don't make a big deal out of the fact that your food is off in some way, nobody will fault you for sending it back. If the food comes back and is still not right, ignore it and write it off to it being a bad restaurant. Most restaurants want to know when something on the menu is not working and not up to snuff. Don't hesitate to exchange bad food for good; however, it is all in the way you handle the situation.

Codes + Conduct: Retirement Present
Q My husband and I are going to a friend's retirement party soon and I'm wondering: should we give him a card with some cash inside or buy a gift? Thanks.

A Do some homework before you go shopping and find out from your friend's other friends and family how he will be spending his days. If he's a golfer order him a subscription to a golf magazine and mention you have done so in a gift card; if he's a gourmet, luxury food or utensils. If it is suggested to you that he is not rich, by all means send him a check or a gift certificate to a health club.

Codes + Conduct: Returning Phone Messages
Q What is the proper response time for a returning a home phone message?

A A polite person tries to return a phone message within twenty-four hours.

Codes + Conduct: Returning or Regifting Presents
Q When someone gives you a gift you don't like or want, what do you do.? Do you keep it or give it away?

A Most of us have quite a few gifts that we don't want. In these frugal times, however, it is perfectly acceptable to regift. If you can take it back, great, get what you like. The problem is when someone close to you gives you a gift that he or she expects that you'll wear it or have on display, and you don't like it. What do you do then? If it is an article of clothing, you would clearly take it back and tell the person that when you returned the sweater they didn't have your size, but you got something that does fit; if it is a vase or dip dish that you can't bear to look at and wouldn't even regift it, put it away and bring it out just when that person is around. After a while it can magically disappear. If it is a piece of jewelry, you'll probably have to wear it from time to time, but eventually you can sell it. The problem isn't so much the gift as it is the relationship with the person who gave you the gift. I could never give my mother what she wanted, now that I have children of my own, I cherish every gift remembering how hard it was to please my mum. With husbands and lovers, it depends upon how long you've been together. I have a whole drawer of scarves in the same color from my husband because I told him how much I loved the first one; every year thereafter he gave me a practically identical scarf until I learned to cut out an ad for something I did want and hand it to him. The funny thing is that he never asked me why I never wore those gray and pink scarves. I tell everybody that I only want books, which is great because I can return them for the ones that I really want to read. Do you keep it or give it away? It depends upon who gave it to you. A gift from a boss, house present, birthday or wedding present should be returnable. On the other hand, a gift from a lover, close friend, spouse, or other family member shouldn't be returned unless that person tells you that you can return it because you wouldn't want to hurt that person's feelings. I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings, so I've learned to tell him that I don't want his money wasted on something that I'll never use.

Codes + Conduct: Revolving Door Etiquette
Q When you have a revolving door and you are with a woman, do you go first and pull your way through or let her go first and then you enter and push through?

A A man catches the revolving door to slow it down for her and then ushers her into the revolving door, following after her.

Codes + Conduct: Rewarding Honoree
Q Is it necessary or correct to give a card, gift, money, etc., to the honoree at a Boy Scout Court of Honor?

A Rewarding children for deeds well done is the best way to encourage good behavior. If you can afford to give him a gift, be sure to include words of congratulations and tell him how very proud you are of his accomplishments but be specific.

Codes + Conduct: Ring on the Wedding Finger
Q Is it proper for a woman to wear a ring on her ring finger when she is single?


A If the woman is in a bar with her girlfriends and she doesn't want to get hit on, she can wear a ring on her wedding finger to ward off the guys. Wearing a ring of any kind on your wedding finger signals to that you are not emotionally available. There is no etiquette rule carved in stone enforced by etiquette police. The wedding ring is traditionally worn on the left ring finger because it is closer to the heart than the right hand ring finger.

Codes + Conduct: Rising to Greet Guest
Q Do men and women both have to rise when a guest from outside the company enters the room?

A It depends. The man would rise. The woman would rise only if the entering woman was older.

Codes + Conduct: RSVP
Q Does RSVP mean call to say you can't come or that you can come...or both?

A RSVP on an invitation means that you have to telephone the person to tell them whether or not you are attending because they need to know how many people they are hosting so that they have an accurate count as to how much food and liquor they need to have on hand.

Codes + Conduct: RSVP
Q What does R.S.V.P. stand for?

A RSVP is the French abbreviation for respondez s'il vous plait, which means please answer.

Codes + Conduct: RSVP to Child's Party
Q When people have not responded by a specific "respond by date"...can you send a note??? And how should the note be worded??? (This note is being sent into school with my daughter for her friends for whom I don't have a phone number, address, etc.)

A It does not sound reliable to send party invitations or notes to school with your daughter to give to her friends to give to their parents, and it is certainly not good etiquette. Telephone the school to get a class list of her classmates and their numbers; most schools have accurate lists available. Alternatively, ask your daughter to get the phone numbers of the girls who have not responded so that you can call their parents. Or telephone one of the mothers in the class whose daughter is coming and ask her if she has the numbers of the other families. Sending a note is not a good idea. It might be far better to make telephone contact with the parents, especially if your child will be in class with these kids for years to come. I don't understand, did you give the invitations to your daughter to take to school? If so, in the future it might be more polite to mail the invitations; not only will it insure that the invitations actually get home but children who are not handed an invitation in school will not have their feelings hurt. Most schools don't allow invitations to be handed out randomly at school which is why they furnish parents with a class list. I am surprised that the invitations weren't confiscated by a teacher because it is rude and inappropriate to hand them out in school unless all the children received one.

Codes + Conduct: Rules for Mealtime Conversation
Q Rules for conversation at mealtime?

A At mealtime, the conversation should be shared by all those at the table. Nobody interrupts or disciplines anybody else. Nobody criticizes or puts down anybody else. It is best not to talk about illness, death, taxes, bad school grades, or anything vulgar at the table because people might have trouble digesting their meal. It is best to talk about the events of the day; how everybody's day went and then what happened in the news that day, as well as future plans. If there are children at the table, be sure that they get a chance to speak without being interrupted; if they make an observation or point of any kind encourage their conversation skills by exploring the subject deeper with them. If someone at the table behaves badly, ignore the bad behavior. If you feed into the attention-starved person by criticizing his bad behavior, it will only egg him on to worse behavior. Swearing and the use of any cuss words do not belong in polite conversation, unless, of course, it is a word in the punch line of a terribly clever joke.

Codes + Conduct: Rules for Women
Q What kind of rules are there for women?

A The etiquette for women is fairly close to the etiquette for men. There are always situations where the woman cannot wait for the man to, say, hold the door open or open the car door for her.

A woman does not:
Get drunk on the first date
Have sex on the first date
Drink and dial, e-mail or text message
Blow her nose at the dinner table
Allow her toxic bad mood to spread like a bad cold
Forget her table manners
Speak badly about others
Yawn in conversation
Pick her nose, ear or itch her skin
Do her nails or eye makeup in public
Leave her blood on bed sheets and towels
Forget to tip
Forget to pick up her cues socially
Put a caller on hold for longer than two minutes
Whine
Guilt-trip
Criticize
Feel sorry for herself
Does not invite out a man and expect him to pay
Have sex with another women's husband
Use foul language
Forget to be considerate, compassionate, and compromising
Forget to say thank-you
Speak in a shrill voice
Arrive later than fifteen minutes for an appointment
Snoop
Introduces people to one another
Introduces herself
Stands up when older people come into the room

A woman is:

Considerate, compassionate, and compromising
Freshly bathed and dressed
Punctual
Forgiving
Apologetic
Grateful
Charitable
Kind
Smart
Always in control of her tone of voice
Loving
Tender
Sexy
Appreciative
Kind
Smart
Thoughtful
Generous
Non-critical
Loving
Tender
Sexy

Codes + Conduct: Salutation to Married Doctors
Q What is the proper salutation for a doctor and his wife who is also a doctor?

A A proper salutation for married doctors would be Dear Drs. Wilson; however, when addressing the envelope you would list the doctor with the highest degree first; in other words the surgeon and then the dentist: Dr. Caroline Wilson and Dr. Edmund Wilson.

Codes + Conduct: Salutation: Governor
Q What should the salutation to a Governor in a letter be?

A For state business, the salutation to a governor would be "Dear Governor:" and socially, it would be "Dear Governor Johnson."

Codes + Conduct: Saying Bless You
Q When is it proper to say "Bless you?"

A You might not want to use the phrase "Bless you," unless you know the person is religious. It is commonly used to say to someone after they have sneezed. You might not say it to a stranger on the subway; however, you might say, "Bless you" to the person you are seated next to on an airplane after he sneezes.

Codes + Conduct: Send a Card When Unable to Attend Birthday Party
Q Is it acceptable to send a birthday invitation for a one-year-old to someone you know will not be attending? My sister-in-law did this and feel like I am pressured to send a gift now. I have done this for a baby shower but a birthday seems different. She definitely knows I cannot be there as I just had a baby and they are very far away. I just got the card on Oct 7 and the RSVP is the 18th; the birthday the 25th.

A Since you are unable to attend the birthday party, you do not have to send a birthday present. However, in order to sustain a good relationship with your sister-in-law, you might want to send a birthday card to the baby. Is it acceptable to send an invitation to someone who has already said that they couldn't attend? No, not really. Take the high road here, perhaps she just wanted you to see the cute invitation.

Codes + Conduct: Sending Family Thank-You Notes
Q Must you send thank-you notes to family when holiday gifts are exchanged?

A No.

Codes + Conduct: Sending High School Graduation Announcements
Q When do you send high school graduation announcements?

A When so many young people are not only graduating from high school but also from college and graduate school, most families opt to announce their children's accomplishments in their annual family holiday letter which they enclose with their holiday card. If you send them out, three weeks notice should be fine.

Codes + Conduct: Serving Etiquette: Pass To the Right
Q Which direction is the proper direction to pass the serving bowls at the dinner table? Should you wait for the hostess to start or do you start the bowls that are in front of you?

A In my opinion, you would wait before serving yourself and passing the bowl until everyone at the table has their dinner plate in front of them and the hostess has suggested that guests help themselves to the food in the serving dishes and pass them along. You would look to see which way the other bowls are being passed before passing the bowl to the person next to you. If the next bowl is coming around to you from the left, then you would pass the bowl to the right. At an informal meal, when the hostess suggests that guests help themselves, you would serve yourself and pass the bowl to your right. It is right to pass to the right.

Codes + Conduct: Serving Food
Q On which side of the customer do you serve the food?

A Serve food to customers on the their left.

Codes + Conduct: Serving Food
Q When serving dinner do you serve from the right and take away from the left or is it the other way around?

A You would serve from the seated guest's left and clear from their right.

Codes + Conduct: Shaking Hands
Q Who should extend the hand for a shake, women or men?

A The woman extends her hand to the man, if she wishes to shake the man's hand. Shaking hands is always the women's prerogative; however, nowadays, especially women in business will usually put out their hand first.

Codes + Conduct: Shaking Hands in Gloves
Q When it is cold out and you are wearing gloves and you meet someone on the street, should you take your glove off to shake hands, or leave it on?

A Leave your glove on, don't get cold. A gentleman would take off the glove on his right hand to shake hands no matter how cold it is outside; however, here in Newport, a woman is not expected to take off her glove.

Codes + Conduct: Shaking Hands with a German
Q Is it ok to offer your hand in greeting people from Germany?

A It is always correct to extend your right hand in greeting people to shake their hand. However, if the person, whether they are from Germany or not, is a woman and you are a man, you would wait for the woman to extend her hand first. A woman chooses if she wants to shake hands, or not. The man picks up the cue.

Codes + Conduct: Shaking Hands With a Woman
Q You hold out your hand when greeting your supervisor; she does not extend hers in return, what do you do?


A It is a woman's prerogative to shake hands, or not. When greeting a woman, especially your supervisor, you would wait for her to extend her hand first. If she does not give you the cue, then don't put your hand out. Women don't have to shake hands. Actually, it is only quite recently that people seemed to expect women to shake hands.

Codes + Conduct: Shrimp Boil
Q What is the proper way to eat boiled shrimp?

A It would depend upon the size of the shrimp and whether they have been cleaned or not. In my opinion, shrimp in a shrimp boil is eaten with one's fingers; however, it is best to give your guests a choice and make sure that they have a knife and a fork. Some people just don't like the smell of shrimp on their fingers or just don't like to eat with their fingers.

Codes + Conduct: Shushing Loud-Mouths
Q How does one caution strangers in a coffee shop that carry on loud seemingly private conversations that disturb others. Are such vulgarians so obtuse that it is impossible to quiet them with a subtle look or even remark? Thank you.

A In my opinion, shushing a person in public would probably humiliate him or her, so you have to be cautious. Often people who talk too loudly are hard of hearing, which is why they think that they have to speak louder than the rest of us. Try communicating with the loud-mouth by catching the person's eye and making the signal to shush-up by raising your pointer finger to your pursed lips. The trick is to shush discreetly so that you do not humiliate the loud- mouth, but that the loud-mouth gets the silent message.

Codes + Conduct: Shushing Mom in Public
Q Is it proper to tell someone to be quiet in public?

A It would depend upon the circumstances. Elderly people have a harder time thinking before speaking and can often say things that are inappropriate that would hurt other people's feelings. They can also talk about inappropriate subjects such as sex, money, and family business and they might need to be told to be quiet. However, you might take them aside to reprimand them because humiliating them in public is neither compassionate nor considerate.

Codes + Conduct: Shut Up
Q Is it ever right to tell someone to shut up?

A It would depend upon the situation. I would rather have someone say to me, "Would you please be quiet."

Codes + Conduct: Signing a Book That's a Gift
Q Is it proper to sign and date a book given as a gift if you are not the author?

A Sure, if there is also an inscription of affection. For instance, "Happy Birthday," or "I thought you would like this wonderful book." Or "To add to your wonderful cook book collection." My husband is an author so I know about these things.

Codes + Conduct: Signing a Card
Q When signing a card...does the husband's name come first or the wife's?

A I am a huge fan of ladies first.

Codes + Conduct: Signing a Card When Love Is Too Familiar
Q What is the proper way to sign a card to your son's girlfriend when you think "Love" is too strong of a word early on in the relationship?

A I am a huge fan of using "Fondly." Others that I use a lot are, "With affection," and "Affectionately." They both are both warm and friendly, but don't go over board.

Codes + Conduct: Signing as a Couple
Q When signing cards or registry books, etc., should you sign wife's name first or husbands, ie - Mary and John Doe or John and Mary Doe?

Thanks for your help.

A I am a huge fan of ladies first. Since formal addressing is always Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, I like using Mary and John Doe for anything informal. Then again, it depends who is doing the signing. If we go to a wake and I sign the guest book, I would sign it Mary and John Doe. However, if John was doing the signing, then he would write John and Mary Doe. Same with cards and registry books.

Codes + Conduct: Signing Card
Q What is the technical term called for signing the inside of a card?

A Identity.

Codes + Conduct: Signing Cards
Q Didi,

I got a Christmas card from a friend and instead of signing the card, they just slashed through their last name. What does this mean? I have never seen it before and became very curious. Any insight?

A The slash through the last name means that your friend considers herself to be on a first name basis with you. It is often done. I agree with you that a Christmas card from a friend should have more of a personal touch. The slash is not much of a personal touch, but it efficiently does the trick with a wave of the pen. You and I might have added a personal note, "We hope to see more of you in the New Year," or a closure such as writing "With love" above the printed name and then slashing a quick line through the last name.

At any rate, printed cards are quite proper because they can be mailed as they are printed to professional acquaintances, as well as to good friends, that is, after you've slashed a line through the last name.

Codes + Conduct: Signing Cards + Letters
Q When signing personal letters or cards, whose name goes first -lady or gent? Also, when 2nd time around relationship/marriage? Should it be Mom & gent for Mom's family and Dad & lady for his family??



Faye Jacobs

A I am a huge fan of ladies first and, because I am always the one who writes the thank-you notes and signs the cards, I put my name first. I would say that the person who is signing the personal letters or cards signs his or her name first. With the kids you would sign, "Mummy and Jack." For his family and friends he would sign, "Daddy (or Jack) and Jill."

Codes + Conduct: Signing Cards with Two Family Names
Q I am divorced and if I was to get remarried and take my new husband's last name and I have a child with my ex-husband's last name, how would I sign cards and such (as a family)?


A When you are signing a card, you are most likely sending the card to someone you know,s so you would sign it from the three given names and use your married name on the outside envelope. Or, if you think the receiver won't know who you are and did not read the return address, you might sign it from you and your new husband, as in Mary and John Doe, on one line and then have your child's full name on the second line underneath your names. Alternatively, you can sign the card from you and your new husband and then have your child sign his own name under yours, or even above yours. As you know, given names are usually used on greeting card and the return address on the envelope remind the receiver of the parent's name.

Codes + Conduct: Signing: A card
Q WHEN SIGNING THE INSIDE OF A CARD, DOES THE WOMAN'S NAME COME FIRST OR THE MAN'S? Not the outside of the envelope.

A I'm a big fan of ladies first. Also, you don't want to separate the man's first name from his last name. Therefore it would be Kim and George, or Kim and George Wilson.

Codes + Conduct: Signing: Christmas Cards
Q Hello, My question is does the wife's or husband's name appear first when signing Christmas cards, etc.; for example "Aaron, Susan and Lila" or "Susan, Aaron and Lila". I know that on a wedding invitation the wife's name appears first, but was curious about other mailings after marriage. Thanks

A You would list the lady's name first because you wouldn't separate the man's first name from his last name. In a Christmas card, if it is a photo you would list the names according to how the three appear in the photo from left to right. When signing without a photo, Susan, Aaron and Lila is correct.

Codes + Conduct: Sir + Women
Q My mother always told us it is NEVER proper for a woman to call a man Sir. Please tell me this is true.

A Nowadays in the northern United States, the noun sir is used mostly in a controlling situation when you don't know a man's name, so: instead of saying, "Hey, you!" a policewoman might say, "Sir, did you know you were going eighty-two miles an hour in a sixty-five mile an hour speed zone?" In the South and Southwest, the noun sir is still used as a term of polite address. Your mother at that point in time wherever she lived was probably correct; however, manners have always been, as they are today, about consideration. The noun sir is a term of address and it is still used today when you don't know a man's name and you are trying to get him to listen to what you are saying. You must agree, it is far more civilized than "Hey, you!"

Codes + Conduct: Smoking Mother-In-Law
Q My mother-in-law is the only person in our family who smokes. While we'd prefer that she quit, she refuses. At family parties in my home, should I be supplying her with an ash tray for her cigarette butts? At the last party we hosted, I didn't do this, and found her cigarette butts in one of my outdoor potted plants the following day.

Thank you

A If you don't want your mother-in-law to snuff out her cigarettes in your outdoor potted plants, why not put out an ashtray for her. You do not want to be critical because criticism destroys a relationship; however, you can be jovial in offering her an ashtray by saying, "I dug this out of the closet just for you." That way you are being breezy, but also letting her know in a good humored way that you don't approve.

Codes + Conduct: Social Time Zones
Q I am a punctual person who believes in always being on time. As a professional I am on time to meetings and as a party guy I am prompt. No one I know of my generation is ever, ever on time. Not in business or on dates. To me it is the height of rudeness to keep someone waiting. How do I deal with the tardiness of others?

A Tardiness is a characteristic of the wired up or the worried sick. Ever since Freud's theory that toilet training was related to tardiness, there has been much speculation. Some professionals say it is all in the thrill of being late, others that it is a form of power play, or it is just simply anti-authoritarian. Some say sadomasochism may be a component. Clearly the cell phone is used as a vehicle for making excuses, calling up to say you are late and will be there in fifteen minutes when in fact you know you won't be there for a good half hour. We've come to this: if you're on time, you are ten minutes late; the old ten minutes late has become twenty minutes late. Be savvy: many women feel that a man can wait twenty minutes for them to appear for a date. Many doctors' offices now make your appointment for fifteen minutes earlier than you are supposed to be seen by the doctor because of this lateness problem. Plan your meetings and dates accordingly: make a date for seven o'clock and arrive at seven fifteen.

Codes + Conduct: Spacing Envelopes
Q When addressing an envelope with 3 lines, I was taught to double space. More then 3 lines, single space. Is that proper?

A Yes, you've got it right.

Codes + Conduct: Speaking to a Catholic Bishop
Q How do you address a Roman Catholic bishop when greeting him at a dinner?

A When speaking to a Catholic bishop at a dinner, you would address him as "Excellency" or "Bishop McCarthy."

Codes + Conduct: Stair Etiquette
Q When using the stairs, should a man precede the woman going up and follow her going down?

A Yes.

Codes + Conduct: Standing for the National Anthem
Q If you are in a bar and the national anthem is played, are you supposed to stand?

A If you are a United States citizen and you hear the national anthem, you stand. If you don't, people will either think you are an anarchist, an alien, or an immigrant.

Codes + Conduct: Standing When Introduced
Q If someone introduces you while you are sitting down at a restaurant, are you supposed to stand up to meet them?

A It depends on the circumstance. For instance, if you are a woman and you are older than the person being introduced, then you need not stand. However, if you are a woman and you are younger, you would stand out of respect. It goes without saying that a man always stands when being introduced, unless he is infirm and in a wheelchair or elderly.

Codes + Conduct: Stepdaughters' Duties for Stepmom
Q Teen stepdaughters' duties in buying for a stepmom at christmas?

A You would give the teen money and she would figure out her budget. Then she would ask close family and friends what they wanted for Christmas and who would then try to find what they wanted for the price that she can afford.

Codes + Conduct: Sticky Finegers
Q Is it ok to lick your fingers while eating finger foods such as spare ribs?

A No, it is disgusting to see people licking their fingers but lots of people do it and I never know how to react.

Codes + Conduct: Straw Bags in February
Q Is it appropriate to accessorize with a straw bag even now in February, if it is warm weather, 80 degrees? Or is it only appropriate in the summer? Thanks.

A Save your straw bags for warmer weather. When it is warm enough to wear sandals, it is time to bring out the straw bags and straw hats.

Codes + Conduct: Stuffing Envelopes
Q How to stuff invitation envelopes, double card with inserts for a benefit?

A The double card would be the first thing you would see if you opened the flap of the outside envelope. The inserts would follow.

Codes + Conduct: Sunglasses Inside
Q Is it ever ok to wear sunglasses indoors? What if you were walking in and out of many art shops on a sunny day? Is it being disrespectful to the artist to wear dark sunglasses while looking at their pieces?

A Sunglasses have not only become a part of fashion, they are healthy for our eyes. Progressive sunglasses that darken the brighter the light are becoming more popular for exactly this reason; they look less ominous.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: A Nose Blows at Dinner
Q Blowing your nose at the dinner table. Or people at work blowing nose while eating lunch? SOOOO Grosss!
Is it ok? More do it than not. Thank you!

A There are times when that sneeze comes; when some nasty allergen in a scent or whiff of something causes us to sneeze or gives us an urgent need to blow our nose; there are times when it can't be helped. If one is lucky enough to feel such an attack coming, excuse yourself from the table, turn your back to the diners, and make your way to the facilities as quickly as possible. No nose blowing at the table or, for that matter, when in face-to-face conversation.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: About Gristle When Dining
Q What is proper etequette when you bite into a piece of gristle?

A This is a common problem that at some time we all have to deal with in the company of others, which is why others will understand if you discreetly take the gristle from the end of your tongue with your left hand and place it at the edge of your plate. If your napkin is made of paper, you can take the paper napkin to your mouth and discreetly deposit the gristle in the napkin. You would not want to do this with a cloth napkin because the gristle will not adhere to the cloth leading to the possibility that the gristle might fly out from your napkin at some point. It is also customary to put your fork parallel to your mouth and ease the gristle onto the fork with your tongue; however, if the gristle falls off the fork, you would be calling even more attention to your plight. If the piece of gristle is quite small, it might stay on the fork while you lower it to the edge of your plate.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Accepting a Toast
Q Is the recipient of a toast supposed to drink to the toast?

A While you are being toasted do not even touch your glass. Never raise your glass when you are being toasted. Smile in appreciation and give a nod. Should you wish to give a toast to someone else or return the toast to the person who just made one, you can do it then or later on during the dinner.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Being Seated
Q When someone assists you with being seated at the dining table, from which side of the chair should the guest sit ?

A You would slide into your chair from the right.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Blowing Nose at the Table
Q Is blowing nose you at the table bad manners?

A Yes, blowing your nose at the table is bad manners. It simply is not done. Rise from the table and head for privacy where no one has to watch you or hear you blow your nose.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Blowing Nose While Dining
Q Is it bad manners to blow one's nose into a cloth napkin, either out or at a guest's home?


A First off, if people feel a sneeze attack coming on or need to blow their nose, they might excuse themselves from the table and take care of their hygiene problem out of sight and hearing of other people. Of course, if your nose all of a sudden starts running, you might discreetly dab it dry with one finger in the corner of your cloth napkin.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Cutting
Q Is it proper to hold your fork in the left hand, prongs down, while you use your knife, and then put the food into your mouth with the fork still in the left hand, prongs down?

A No, you turn the prongs up and switch your fork to the right hand before eating.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Direction for Passing Food
Q The direction of passing food at a table....

A It really does not matter which way guests pass food at the table; however, if you pass it to the right, it makes it easier for right handed people to serve themselves when the platter is positioned at the left of their plate.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Drinking from a Cup
Q When I drink a cup of coffee or tea, my little finger (and sometimes my ring finger) tends to stick out away from the cup. Some of my friends see this as very amusing and some regard it as an undesirable affectation -- that it is usually done by the "nouveau cultured" trying to look sophisticated. I have always done this -- from the time I was a child. Is this something I should learn to control and avoid?

A It would depend upon whether you are a man or a woman. If you are a man and you don't want the appearance of a girlie-man or an effeminate man, you might hold the cup more as if it was a beer can. If you are a woman, it looks, well, quite elegant.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Eating Chicken
Q Hello Didi
Thanks for this lovely site. My question is how do I debone my chicken using the utensil when I am invited to dinner, the chicken is full and I do not know how to use the utensil to eat my piece of chicken? What is the proper way to eat the hip of the chicken and what is the proper way to eat the breast of the chicken?
another question
Where do I put my napkin after finishing the meal and where do I put it when I go to toilet and back again?

A It helps if you are using good utensils. You would use a knife with a point to carve the meat away from the bone.

First, place your fork, with the front of the fork facing you, in your left to stabilize the chicken by piercing the flesh securely, but ever so gently, with the tines. Take the knife in your right hand and pierce the tip of the knife into the flesh of the part of the chicken that you want to eat and carve by moving the knife slowly back and forth going with the grain of the meat, which is horizontal.

That works well with the white breast which is slightly drier, but the dark meat of the leg and thigh might need to be stabilized by your left thumb and pointing finger, otherwise a slippery leg can roll around the plate, if you don't get a hold on it. After cutting and before eating, wipe your hands on your napkin after touching the chicken and never lick your fingers. If the chicken is cooked properly and is of good quality, the dark meat should fall away from the bone with a poke or two from the point of the knife.

Once you've separated the thigh and leg from the carcass, it is perfectly acceptable to pick up the thigh joint or leg with your right hand and eat the meat off of the bone. Do this by bringing the bone to your mouth, and don't lean your head into your plate.

Spread your napkin over your lap so that any food that might fall from your fork does not land on your clothing and stain. Whenever you leave the table for whatever reason, casually fold your napkin and leave it on the table to the left of your plate.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Eating Ice Cream
Q What is the rule for eating ice cream from a bowl? Is it unacceptable to eat only a portion of the contents of a spoon, and finishing the remaining amount of ice cream on the second take? Is it not like licking an ice cream cone? My wife is adamant it is unacceptable to eat a small amount of ice cream from the spoon; one must eat the entire amount from the spoon!! Is she right???????

A Yes, she is right. Ice cream is food. Can you imagine putting your fork into your mouth, taking off some of the food, and bringing the fork back out with food still on it? Take smaller spoonfuls.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Eating Spaghetti
Q What is the proper way to eat spaghetti?

A If the spaghetti is served on a plate or in a shallow bowl, it would be eaten with a fork. However, if it is served in a deep bowl, it could be eaten with the aid of a spoon. To prevent thin strands of spaghetti from sliding between the tines of the fork, you would wind the strands around the tines. You would not wind more than four strands at a time because the bite would be too big and you might have to start over in order to get the bite size right. An easy way to wind the strands of spaghetti around the fork is to use the side of the plate for leverage; balance the tips of the tines against the side of the plate and wind the strands around the tines. For more leverage, you can hold a spoon in one hand and wind the strands around the fork with the tips of the tines pressing into the bowl of the spoon. If you find that strands are hanging from the fork, it is perfectly polite to suck them into your mouth quietly and discreetly. You can also use the fork to lift a stray strand into your mouth.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Men Rising
Q I was wondering at what age for a female leaving or entering the table is it appropriate to remain seated? Thank you for your time and answer.

A It would most likely depend upon the circumstances. For instance, my husband would not rise when my daughters leave or sit down at the table in our home or even in an informal situation. However, when dining out at a good restaurant or at a seated dinner party, my husband made the rising to stand gesture for my daughters from the age of eighteen. So: the more formal the meal or occasion, the more formal the manners. When a young woman turns eighteen, she is no longer a Miss because she becomes a Ms. In my opinion, that is as good of a marker as any.

Codes + Conduct: Table Manners: Soaking Up Soup with Bread
Q When finishing soup, is it proper to use a piece of bread to soak up the soup?

A It is perfectly permissible to use bread to soak up the remains of the soup and it is a lot more palatable to the ear. Nothing is quite so annoying as hearing someone scraping the bottom of the soup bowl for those last yummy bursts of taste.

Codes + Conduct: Tailor Etiquette
Q Do tailors ask men which way their penis hangs when they are being fitted for a suit? And if so, what is the proper way to do so?


A Why would a tailor be asking you such a question, especially while fitting you for a suit? Suit pants are fuller in the crotch then jeans, for instance. If the tailor were to ask such a question, he might say, "Which pant leg is usually fuller?" Do not take the question personally, it is probably just business as usual.

Codes + Conduct: Taking Baby to Wake + Funeral
Q Is it proper to take my 18 month old to the wake and funeral of a close family friend's mother?

A If the baby is in a stroller and you time his or her feeding and nap so that it does not interfere with the wake or funeral, then do. Many women handle this successfully; however, you need to be in synch with your baby enough to know if he or she is teething or has an upset stomach that day. So, perhaps you might decide whether you take the baby by his or her disposition at that time. If you do go, be sure to sit near an exit so that you can leave immediately, if the baby starts to fuss.

Codes + Conduct: Taking Off Jacket at Formal Dinner
Q Should a man remove his suit jacket at a formal dinner?

A It would depend upon the climate and the time of night. For instance if you are under a big, hot stuffy tent with no ventilation and the women are all fanning themselves with their menu cards, the gentlemen might take off their jackets before someone faints. If the gentleman has been dancing up a storm and has invited every woman at the table for a least one turn on the dance floor, he might need to take off his jacket before he expires. If none of the above applies, it would be better if he unloosened his tie first, then graduated to taking it off and putting it in his pocket; if he's still hot, he should take it off.

Codes + Conduct: Taking the Cake
Q If you take dessert to a party, most of the guests have gone, and 3/4's of your dessert is left, should you leave it for the hostess to eat, or should you take it home with you so that she doesn't have to return your dish?

A Why not offer to leave her some. Say, "Would you like me to leave a couple of slices of my cake?"

Codes + Conduct: Talking About Money Socially
Q What is the rule regarding talking about personal financial information in a social situation?

A People bond socially over a variety of topics from sports, travel, children, food, restaurants, books, gardening, gossip, movies, and TV shows, to money. There are two ways that finances are talked about socially: objectively, as in asking for or giving stock tips, and personally, as in boasting about the cost of their house, car, or other possessions and the size of their stock portfolio. Nobody likes a braggart. Braggarts are bores. It is embarrassing listening to someone boast about their expenditures.

Codes + Conduct: Tasting Other People's Food
Q Is it ok to ask for a taste of other people's food plate?

A Yes, because curiosity is a good thing and one might not get the opportunity soon again to experience a certain chef. The proper way to taste food that other people have ordered is to have the dinner partner put a sample on an empty butter plate for you. If there are no butter plates on the table, you might ask the waiter for a small plate. When asking for a taste from someone you are not already intimate with, be sure to do so before the person has eaten off his fork.

Codes + Conduct: Teaching Nose Blowing
Q How do you tell someone not to blow their nose at the table?

A Remember that criticism destroys relationships, so you want to be careful not to criticize people's behavior. Instead, excuse yourself to blow your nose. Do this a few times and perhaps they will get the hint. However, you can't teach old dogs new tricks.

Codes + Conduct: Teenage Etiquette 14 + Up
Q teenage etiquette 14 and up

A Teenage Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, compromise and kindness.

The boy uses a condom.
Never drink and text-message.
Never drink and drive.
Be sure to practice good hygiene.
Never smoke.
Don't do drugs of any kind.
Do not take your parent's pills.
Always let parents know where you are.
Wake your parents when you get home so they don't have to get up from bed to check your room.
Never lie to your parents.
Brush and floss your teeth.
Say please and thank you.
Write thank-you notes.
Hold the door open for others.
If you get into a fight, figure out a compromise.
Never talk unkindly about others.
Never make fun of other kids.
Perform at least one random act of kindness everyday.
Do not cheat or plagerize.
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Tell your parents that you love them everyday.

Codes + Conduct: Teens: Wrist Corsage
Q What hand does a wrist corsage go on?

A A wrist corsage would go on the left wrist because you will be using your right hand to fasten your seat belt, eat, drink, and hold your partner's hand and you would not want to ruffle the petals.

Codes + Conduct: Tele-Marketers: Getting Rid of Them
Q What is proper phone etiquette for dealing with tele-marketers and unwanted solicitations?

A Telephone the Attorney General's office of your state and ask for the telephone number to use to stop tele-marketers. Before that stop calls process goes into effect, when you recieve a call say that you will report that company to the Attorney General's Office, if you receive another call.

Codes + Conduct: Telephone Etiquette
Q What is telephone etiquette?

A Telephone etiquette addresses how to use the phone. An interesting example is that Queen Elizabeth's press secretary, Charles Anson, is said to be so polite that he never ends a phone call to him. Proper phone etiquette means that the person making the call ends the call.

Codes + Conduct: Telephone Etiquette
Q What is proper phone etiquette?

A When answering the phone say, "Hello," in a cheerful voice.
When the caller asks to speak to a particular person, you say, "Who may I ask is calling, please?" Then you respond to the answer with, "Just a moment please, I will be right back." If you have to put the caller off, say, "I am sorry but my mother cannot come to the phone right now, may I, please, take a message?" Then the message is repeated back to the caller before saying good-bye.

If you are talking to someone and another call comes in, you say, "Excuse me, please, while I get this call, I will be right back." You take the name and the number of the person on the other call saying that you are sorry that you are on another call. Caller ID makes this interchange quite efficient. Then you get back to the original caller saying, "I am sorry to have kept you waiting." If another call comes in, you ignore it and pick up the message after you are off the original call.

Codes + Conduct: Telephone Etiquette
Q Between what time in the AM and Pm is it proper to make telephone calls?

A The rule is that one should be considerate and NOT telephone friends before nine o'clock in the morning or after nine o'clock in the evening. Telephoning is between nine in the morning and nine o'clock at night.

Codes + Conduct: Telephone Etiquette
Q I can't tolerate being put on hold when involved in a personal phone call - should I hang up or what?

A Just say, "Why don't you call me back when you have more time?" Or, if it is a superior, "When would be the best time for me to call you back?"

Codes + Conduct: Telephoning Hours
Q Between what time in the AM and Pm is it proper to make telephone calls?

A The rule is that one should be considerate and NOT telephone friends before nine o'clock in the morning or after nine o'clock in the evening. Telephoning is between nine in the morning and nine o'clock at night.

Codes + Conduct: Telling Someone They Have Bad Breath
Q How do you politely tell a friend they have bad breath?

A It would depend upon how close you feel to the friend. If you care about her or him and their relationships, then you might mention that you've found a really great mouthwash that you swizzle around in your mouth before brushing your teeth that not only makes your teeth brighter, but really kills bad breath. Say, "Sometimes when I think that I have bad breath, I blow into the palm of my hand and quickly sniff it, to see if I need to suck on a breathe mint." Talk about bad breath in general, what you do when you think that you have bad breath in order to get the friend to think about whether he or she has bad breath.

Codes + Conduct: Thanking Praise
Q I was recently the subject of a very nice article in the local newspaper announcing my position on a local non-profit board. I have received many congratulatory cards and letters from people in the community. Should I respond to the people who took the time to send me a card or letter?

A It depends upon how aggressively you are seeking public approval. If you have the time to write a short note thanking them for taking the time to send you their kind words, your efforts will be greatly appreciated. On the other hand, if these are people whom you see on a regular basis, you can thank them in person. Obviously anyone who sent you a note who gives to the non-profit, too, needs special attention.

Codes + Conduct: Thanks for a Sympathy Card
Q The mother of a colleague recently passed away. My colleague asked if she needed to send a thank you note to those who sent a sympathy card. I told her I didn't think so, but I'm not sure. What would be the proper etiquette in this situation?

A Usually the funeral parlor will include a box of thank-you cards which can be used to send to people who have sent flowers and cards. Traditionally, the family will have a fold-over card printed up (ecru white card with black script) that might have these words:

The family of
Caroline Stuart Wittaker
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

The family member then has the option of writing a few personal sentences inside the card thanking the person for their "lovely letter" or "kind words." They might add something like this: Friends do help the pain but I am totally devastated and I miss mother so much. Fondly, ______

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You and Ballgown History
Q I'm a wife of a U.S. soldier and teach etiquette classes on our Army Installation. One of the other wives asked the question of "What is the history of the thank-you note and why do we send them?" Another question from another wife is: "What is the history behind wearing long, floor-length or ankle-length gowns at a military ball?" I'm in a quandry, because I cannot find the answer as to the history of these two items. Your help would be most appreciated.
Respectfully,
Erin Lunday

A In days of old, traditionally, when noblemen sent gifts to neighboring noblemen, perhaps in anticipation of joining the two properties through marriage, the courier who delivered the gift would bring back a message from the recipient that the gift had arrived safely. He might have also brought back gifts in reciprocation, as a thank-you.

Again, going back to the days when nobility dressed up royally to go to state occasions, long dresses were worn because women wore long dresses. There was great competition between the ladies over how much material and how many adornments a dress could showoff as a sign of the women's family's wealth. So wearing a long dress showed off the woman's status in the community. The more royal and grand the occasion, the more decorated the ballgown. Even nowadays, a ballgown usually costs a lot more than a little black dress, depending on the designer, of course.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Etiquette
Q If you recieve a gift in the mail from an acquaintance, someone whom you do not normally call, is it necessary to call the person and thank them and then send a thank-you card, or can you just send the thank-you card?

A You can just send a thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You for Housewarming Gift
Q Do you have to send a thank-you for a housewarming gift from the next door neighbor the day you moved in?

A No, you have two weeks to write a thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You for Sympathy Card
Q Do you need to send a thank-you note for someone who sent you a sympathy card for a death in the family?

A If someone has taken the time to send you a sympathy card, it would be nice if you either sent them a short note or telephoned them to thank them for thinking of you. It is customary for the family of the deceased to send out printed acknowledgments, often personalizing the note. Perhaps a member of your family has had some printed up and you could use one to send. In the inside you can write your message. The printed card would say something like this: The family of so-and-so deeply appreciates and gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy." A good stationary store would have similar cards already printed up that you could use; however, they would not be personalized.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You for Sympathy Cards
Q Do I send thank-you notes to people that sent symphathy cards to me when my father passed?

A Yes, usually the funeral parlor will offer to give you thank-you note cards. If not, your local stationery store will have some made up that you can personalize with a line of two.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Gift Versus Thank-You Note
Q A local White Anglo Attorney and his Chinese wife are holding a fairly large "year of the dog" party at the country club. It will be a full dinner with entertainment and dancing. My husband and I were invited. Is a thank-you gift expected? Or is a nicely handwritten thank-you note acceptable?

A A thoughtful, handwritten note is perfectly acceptable for a dinner dance, no matter what the theme.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Letter
Q Dear Didi,

I'm working as a program officer in a governmental institution; however I want to write an official thank-you letter to an Ambassador, so I was asking if you can give me ideas regarding sentences that I can use besides the usual used sentences ??

Thanks, and waiting for your reply.

A The success of a thank-you note is in the details. Detail it out. Mention everything that you can think of for which you need to thank the Ambassador.

Then mention the up-beat results. "Because you did that, guess what happened?" Write about the results as if the outcome wouldn't have been a success without that person's assistance. Make the Ambassador feel special and tell him/her that his/her efforts were very much appreciated. Give the Ambassador full credit for the success.

Since I don't know the reason for thanking the Ambassador, it is impossible for me to give you specific "ideas regarding sentences." I apologize for not being able to help you any further, but that kind of a letter is all in the details. Be specific. Be grateful. You can never thank people enough, especially men.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Note After Major Surgery
Q Is it necessary for me to write a thank-you note for gifts given to me after I had brain surgery three months ago? There was a point in time when it was hard for me to use my right hand, but I am feeling somewhat better now. What is the etiquette on a situation like this?

A It is not only good etiquette, but good practice for you to write a handwritten, heartfelt note of appreciation. It does not have to be a lengthy note, but all gifts should be acknowledged. If you cannot write the notes, you can thank the person in person or over the phone. Perhaps it would be a good exercise to purchase a box of small thank-you notes and try to write a sentence or two to each friend. Your friends will certainly appreciate your effort. Don't worry about the handwriting. However, if you are self-conscious about your handwriting, then by all means acknowledge your friends' gifts with emails.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Note Etiquette
Q what is proper etiquette for sending thank you cards

A On your nicest social stationery, with an ink pen write a heartfelt note thanking the person for the gift within two weeks of having received it. You would name the gift, describe the gift, tell the person why you like the gift, and close with saying thank you again.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-you Note Etiquette
Q What occasions are you expected to send a thank-you card? Example a Birthday party where you receive a gift.

A Whenever anybody goes out of their way to do something kind for you, you would acknowledge their thoughtfulness, kindness and generosity with a thank-you, either in the form of a handwritten heartfelt note, email, or in conversation.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Note Timing
Q When sending a thank you note, I realize it's good to be prompt, but how long after the occasion would be too late?

A Try to send the thank-you note the next day, or certainly within the week. Up to a month is fine. The important thing is to send the thank-you note before the person starts wondering why they have not heard from you. If you are thanking for a gift, it is a courtesy to the sender because they will wonder if you actually received it, if you don't thank them.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Note: Corporate Gift
Q While in the hospital, I was sent a flower arrangement from my fiance's employer. While I know his supervisor is responsible for the gesture, the card (not hand-written) said, "Wishing you a speedy recovery, ABC Inc." I've never met the supervisor; he works in another state.

How should I address my thank-you note (both envelope and inside)?

Many thanks,
Andrea

A Since the flowers were a corporate gift, you need not mention everyone's name--name by name. Address the thank-you note to the person whose name was on the card. Be sure to say in your note that you appreciate the thoughtfulness and generosity of all those who make (name of corporation) tick.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-you Note: Wording When Overdue
Q How is an incredibly overdue thank-you note worded?

A It has taken me all this time to find exactly the right words to thank you for......

This thank-you note for that stunning book on English Gardens is incredibly long overdue because I have become immersed in the subject.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Notes
Q Are thank-you notes for gifts necessary when you thank the person at the time of receiving the gift?

A It depends upon the gift and the giver. Please go to the top of the Webpage and click on Frequently Asked Questions and go to Codes + Conduct: Holiday Gift Thank-Yous.

If you are not satisfied with that answer, please let me know but add more specifics in your question so that I can answer your query more precisely.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Notes
Q Do you always have to write a thank-you?

A It depends upon for what you are thanking the person. For instance, it is best to telephone your thank-you the next for a cocktail party or dinner party. If someone does you a huge favor by, say, putting you up for membership at a private club or writing a letter of recommendation for a school or job, you would write a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note. If you exchanged gifts with a friend, you would not send a thank-you note because you're even. Thank-you notes can become somewhat of a ping-pong game. I would have to know more about the situation in order to give you my best answer.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Notes
Q Should you send thank-you notes for birthday gifts received by family members?

A It depends upon the style of the birthday person. My twenty-four-year-old daughter writes us the most beautiful thank-you notes, which I've keep over the years in a special box. An older daughter emails us her thank-yous and then reiterates her appreciation in conversation, either over the phone or in person. It is not so much how you show your appreciation, as the fact that your appreciation is heartfelt. I keep all of my daughter's thank-you letters because they are so beautifully written and come straight from her heart. If you are not into writing thank-you notes, just be sure that you remind the family member that you wear, or use the gift, and tell him or her why you like it so much. Even years later, you can say, "You know that blue cable knit sweater you gave me two years ago for my birthday, well I am sure that I've worn that sweater more than any sweater that I've ever owned." It doesn't matter how you do it, follow your style and be thankful for all gifts, whether you like them or not. The point is to make the giver feel good about being generous.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Notes for Donations In Memory
Q What are the proper words to write in a thank-you note for someone who has made a donation in memory of your loved one?


A On behalf of our entire family, I want to thank you for your thoughtful donation to the Norman Bird Sanctuary. You know my dad used to take us there for walks, rain or shine, every Sunday. It was a special place for our family and my dad made it even all the more special with his tales of the Narragansett Indians; with your generous donation, the Norman Bird Sanctuary will continue to be a wonderful place for families to spend time together. My dad was especially keen on making sure that the summer camp would be affordable for all the youngsters in the community. Along with your help, several kids will have a wonderful opportunity that might not have otherwise been available.

Dear reader, since I don't know if your loved one designated a charity, I hope that you will at least get the gist of how to integrate your loved one's character with the person who gave the gift by making him or her feel that they have done something truly wonderful in donating to that particular organization.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-You Notes: Exchanging Gifts
Q Is it necessary to send thank-you notes to people whom you have exchanged gifts with...specifically, Christmas gifts?

A People have different expectations. If you have exchanged gifts, you would thank the person in conversation, either over the phone or in person. Even if you thanked him or her during the exchange of gifts, you could follow it up with another verbal thank-you at another time. For instance, "That orchid you gave me for my birthday is in bloom again. It is even more stunning the second time around." If, on the other hand, you receive a thank-you note from someone you exchanged gifts with and thanked at that time, then you would thank them for their nice note, either in conversation, email, or by hand. It depends upon the relationship. With one daughter we exchange thank-you notes and I've saved each one because she is such an eloquent writer. With the other daughter, who is genuinely as equally grateful, we email our thank-yous after verbal thank-yous. Older people tend to expect a thank-you note. However, my great aunt always let's me off the hook by saying, "Now we've said our thank-yous. I am not going to write you, so you don't have to write me." She does appreciate the thank-you notes, but she let's you off the hook when there is an exchange. So: you have to gauge the relationship, sometimes it takes years. If you are the older person, you can let the younger person off the hook after the exchange. If the gift exchange was, say, with your future mother-in-law and you thanked each other in person, but you sense that a handwritten note is still warranted, then write it. At some point, she will let you off the hook about writing. When in doubt write the note. You can never thank people enough, especially men.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-Yous for Funeral Flowers
Q What is the the proper etiquette for sending thank-you cards following a funeral..do they go to everyone who attended and sent flowers and food, money,cards..or just to those who sent food, money, flowers...????

A A thank-you card or thank-you note would only be sent to those who send flowers, food, money, cards or handwritten letters.

Codes + Conduct: Thank-yous for Mass Cards
Q My husband passed away recently and I have received several mass cards. How do I acknowledge them in a thank-you note?

A Your local stationery store will have notes already printed up that are a thank-you note for expressions of sympathy. Inside you might write a line or two, but it is not necessary because people will understand. If you would rather use your own note paper you might say: Thank you so much for your mass card. I am totally devastated but friends do help the pain.

Codes + Conduct: The Right Way to Eat
Q Dear Didi,

I am dating a Canadian who eats continental style with his knife and fork. I have preferred this method since I saw Shirley Maclaine eating this way in a dinner scene in Terms of Endearment. It feels more comfortable and logical to me. Therefore, it was very nice to return to this style of eating to be in harmony with my boyfriend's use of the knife and fork.

My mother is concerned that it looks improper. You seem to tout the same opinion as my mother in your FAQ section, only seeing the American style as acceptable.

I believe with the diversity of people we meet that we should be able to accept either method of eating, regardless of where geographically we are eating. America is a melting pot, rich in diversity. Would you consider this in the future when someone asks you the proper way to eat with a knife and fork?

Thank you for your consideration on this topic.

My best to you,
Dawn

A After cutting your meat, turning the tongs to point upwards when returning the fork to the right hand before eating is considered the proper way to eat. However in Rome, we do what the Romans do. Certainly, when in Northern Italy we twirl our spaghetti in a large spoon to secure it tidily on the fork because it is acceptable behavior and, without a doubt, it makes eating spaghetti a whole lot easier. When I have done just that in an NYC restaurant, my twirling was questioned. Being in synch with your partner is what is most important. Thank you for calling this to my attention because I tend to be too literal when actually I feel quite flexible about most issues. You have to understand that I get so many questions about being proper; what is the right way to eat? That I tend to come off as stuffier than I am. The right way to eat is neatly. There is nothing sexier than eating with a person in synch because it makes you feel as if you are connecting on the most primal level. If you have ever seen the movie Tom Jones, you will understand what I mean when I said eating in synch is sexy.

Codes + Conduct: The Way We Eat
Q Is is ever proper to eat food from the back of your fork or to use your knife to scrape food onto the back of your fork?

A I don't eat that way because I was taught to eat the "continental" way; however, in many parts of the country, it is socially acceptable to eat that way. It is difficult to criticize other peoples' ways of doing things, because nothing destroys a relationship faster than criticism. Is it proper? No, I don't think so. However, there are no rules carved in stone that say everyone should eat the way I eat.

Codes + Conduct: The Way We Eat: Knife + Fork
Q I have a friend who eats with a fork and knife, using the knife to push ALL his food onto the fork. This looks awkward and frankly redneck. Is this proper?

A If the man pushes the food onto his fork with a knife and the tines are facing up, then that is fine. You have to remember that the way we eat is considered a class thing. The very rich got really snotty at one point and all ate with the tines pointed up, using a knife or bread as a pusher; then it was decided by the aristocratic intellectuals that that was the bourgeoisie way to eat. I agree with you, but the way we eat is one of the many nuances of class distinction, or as some would argue: maybe not. This is not a subject I readily address because talking about class is not, in itself, good etiquette.

Codes + Conduct: The Widower of the Honoree
Q How do you introduce the husband who has since remarried and will be bringing his current wife to the dedication of a school in honor of his deceased wife?

A You would introduce him as Angela Johnson's widower and devoted husband of thirty-three years. This dedication is all about the deceased wife, not about the new one. Just introduce him as the widower of the honoree.

Codes + Conduct: Throat Clearing
Q Is it proper for a man to constantly be clearing his throat in the workplace? How would you handle this breach of etiquette?

A The man must have an allergy to something in the workplace. Why not ask him if he has any allergies? Tell him that you're concerned that an allergen in the workplace is irritating his throat. He probably doesn't realize that every time he clears the mucus in his throat he is irritating his co-workers. Suggest that he try an antihistamine for a few days to see if that clears up the mucus. He will probably be grateful to you for taking an interest in his health. The irritant could be anything from the ink in the printer, someone's cologne or after-shave, the cleaning fluid used on the carpet, or to something as simple as the air that is being circulated in the building. Perhaps the air ducts need to be cleaned. The important thing is to not humiliate him into taking action, but to befriend him out of concern for his health. Once you alert him to the problem, he will more than likely try to find the answer on his own. The irritant might be from his dry cleaning or in his home and he brings, say, cat allergen to work on the hair follicles in his nose or if his dog licks him on the hand, that dander goes to work. Often people beome allergic to their animals after a while. Sad but true. You handle the breach of etiquette by getting to the root of the problem. And, no, it is not proper for a man to be constantly clearing his throat.

Codes + Conduct: Time Frame for Thank-You Notes
Q Time frame for sending thank you notes?

A Time frame for sending thank-you notes for a wedding present is up to a year. Thank-you notes for a dinner dance should be sent within the week. It depends on the occasion.

Codes + Conduct: Time Limit on Thank-Yous
Q What is the proper time limit to send thank you cards for a gift?

A It is never too late to send a thank-you note; however, the longer it takes to write the note, the harder it is to come up with an excuse as to why the thank-you is so tardy.

Codes + Conduct: Time on an Invitation
Q How do you write 2:30 pm on a semiformal invitation?

A Actually, for a semiformal invitation you can choose between the formal or the informal and be correct:

On a formal invitation the hours are spelled out and o'clock is used, so it would be two thirty o'clock.

On an informal invitation, numbers and "A.M." or "P.M" are used and it would be 2:30 P.M.

For a semiformal invitation, I would use the formal form for a wedding and the semiformal, for a croquet party or a very informal wedding.

Codes + Conduct: Timing Clearing the Table
Q When are dishes removed from the table, in a resturant and at home after dinner?

A Plates are removed after the last diner has finish the course. There is nothing more annoying than having a waiter hover over you waiting for you to savor those last few bites, both at home and in a restaurant. When all the forks are down, the server can clear the table.

Codes + Conduct: Timing of Sympathy Card
Q How long after a death can you send a sympathy card?

A Up to a year. You can always say that you just heard or that you just could not find the words until now to express your sadness. It is never really too late to mention the death of someone because there is no steadfast rule. Usually the people closest to the family respond immediately and then others respond when they can. Often after the expressions of sympathy have come to a lull, a card out of the blue helps to keep the memory alive.

Codes + Conduct: To Crease or Not to Crease
Q I'm not sure if you can answer this but I was wondering if its right or wrong to put a crease in your khakis when you iron them. My co-worker says only dress pants should have a crease.

A It would depend upon where you were anticipating wearing the khakis and the quality of the pants. Good pants have a crease and a well-groomed person would have creased pants if they are part of the look of the pants. For instance, light weight and inexpensive khakis don't crease well anyway but they would be warn casually.

Codes + Conduct: To Dunk or Not to Dunk?
Q What is the current thought on "dunking" while eating?

A Dunking is one of the more pleasurable ways of eating. In Europe everyone dunks their croissant into their coffee every morning. Dunking fresh bread into hot soup or stew is a gourmet's delight. On the other hand, "dipping" is out because too many people double dip their germs into the communal dip.

Codes + Conduct: Toe Ring Etiquette
Q What is the proper toe to wear a toe ring on?


A A toe ring is worn on the second biggest toe of the right foot.

Codes + Conduct: Toilet Seat Etiquette
Q Is it proper etiquette for a man to leave the toilet seat up?

A A gentleman puts the toilet seat down after he flushes; however, he does not have to pull the cover down on top of the toilet seat.

Codes + Conduct: Toilet Seat Etiquette
Q Should the toilet seat be placed in the down position when a man is finished?

A The toilet seat should be placed back down on the bowl but the lid does not necessarily have to be lowered.

Codes + Conduct: Toilet Seat Up or Down
Q Whether toilet seats should be left up or down?

A It is always nice to walk into a powder room and see the seat down; however, it also means that you have to lift the lid, which then means you have to decide if you want to wash your hands then or wait until after you've used the toilet seat.

Codes + Conduct: Toilet Seat Up/Down Dilemma
Q After nearly twenty-five years of marriage, my husband suddenly developed the habit of leaving the toilet seat up after using it. I try hard to keep up the appearance of our home and find it rather distasteful when I enter later in the day. He claims he was taught as a child to put the seat up when he used it..{Thank-God!} but says, that it is B.S. that I should ask of him to put the seat back down for the next person. I grew up in a home with three males; the seat was always replaced as a sign of respect to the women of the home and visitors.

A Sorry, but I don't understand your question. I do understand your frustration, but you are not telling me what you want. Do you want me to tell you what to do? Without knowing you or your husband, or any more than what you've told me in just as few words, I would say that your husband is looking for a way to communicate with you and this is the only way he seems to be able to get you to talk to him. I am terribly sorry. I know that you are not going to like this answer, but I really don't know what to tell you. It is an issue of control. It has to do with his penis. He is feeling less in control of what his penis can do and he is taking it out on you. Perhaps you and he should have a talk about your sex life. Not knowing much about either of you, this is the best that I can do to help without knowing more.

Codes + Conduct: Too Familiar Servers
Q When I go into restaurants or other food places, I find a lot of very young girls calling me hon or honey. I find this very disrespectful since I am obviously much older than they are. How do I get my point across to them without causing them to have a bad day or think I am a very mean person?

A Let's face it, it is not that much fun, or stimulating, to be waiting on other people for a living. Cut the very young girls some slack because they are just trying to be friendly and cheerful; perhaps they think they will get a better tip if they are as sweet as honey.

Codes + Conduct: Too Generous Gifts
Q Hi Didi, We have had a string of bad luck lately but we are a-okay. Someone has given me a cash gift because they heard about my recent dilemmas. I don't feel that I can accept this way too generous gift. What to do? The gift in question is a large sum of money ($1000) and the givers are not close family members but co-workers who are known for their generosity. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I just cannot accept.

A If you cannot accept the gift, then send it back with a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note thanking them for the "offer to help, but you feel that you cannot accept such generosity."

Codes + Conduct: Too Much Noise
Q How should we deal with someone who is constantly listening to music on their headphones and singing out loud.

A Put up your first two fingers in a V sign and motion to the person to cut the sound. Then tell him point blank that his mother might love his voice but that doesn't mean the rest of the world wants to hear him singing. Tell him it is embarrassing and that you thought you should tell him to stop making a fool out of himself before he lost all his friends.

Codes + Conduct: Types of Behavior
Q what are active, passive, inquisitive behaviors?

A In terms of what? Manners and etiquette? In what relationship to manners and etiquette is your question directed? Please return to my Web site and ask the question again giving me a more detailed questions and I will give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Codes + Conduct: Unactivated Gift Card
Q I received a gift card and when I went to use it, it was not activated. Should I let the person know who gave it to me since they were probably charged for it?
Thank you for your assistance.

A Try to work with the store because the store has a record of all gift cards. The store should have it in their system and they can look up to see if it has actually been used or not. If it has not actually been used, there might be some glitch with the card itself. Perhaps it has expired. If you can, get the manager to call the person who gave you the card to say, "There seems to be some mistake. A customer is trying to use a gift card that you purchased but it doesn't have any credit left on it. Would you like to give me your credit card information over the phone so that we can give this person a fresh gift card?" It is in the store's best interest to work with you because the store gets the business. If the manager sends you to customer service, you might find that this kind of thing happens more often than you think. It is possible that you were given the wrong gift card to begin with. As I said, try working with the store. If you don't get anywhere, write the sender a funny email (or pick up the phone) and say, "Thank you for the gift card. The funniest thing happened when I tried to use the gift card you gave me. It didn't work. The store looked up the card on their system only to find that it has already been used. I just wanted to let you know in case you charged the gift card to your credit card. What should I do?" The company will have the date of the purchase of the card and a record of the date it was used in their system. Make light of this dicey situation, even though it is annoying.

Codes + Conduct: Unannounced Visitors
Q Is it rude for someone to ring your doorbell without your knowing they are coming over at 10:45 pm while you're in bed asleep? Is it rude for them to call & call on your phone telling you they are upset you refuse to get out of bed to say hello? It is a man I've dated for about 2 weeks now.

A In my opinion, there is something very wrong with someone who doesn't call to ask if he can come by before coming over. Who does he think that he is ringing your bell and phoning you that late? If he doesn't respect you from the start, you might not want to continue the relationship. It sounds as if he might have been drunk, but that is no excuse. Cut him loose.

Codes + Conduct: Underpaid at Work
Q I have this job for ten years as office manager and I like my job. The head administrator hired her best friend as a receptionist and to help with light bookkeeping. She has been here almost two years and I found out today from the head bookkeeper that she makes exactly the same salary as I do. How should i approach this? It really bothers me cause for the work that I do I know I am underpaid.

A You cannot rat on the bookkeeper. However, you can ask for a raise. It is a tricky situation because the receptionist is the best friend. You might be better off looking for a better job with better pay and getting a fabulous recommendation from your boss. If the boss doesn't want to lose you, she will give you a raise.

Codes + Conduct: Uninvited Houseguests
Q My brother and sister-in-law were visiting her sister in FL. They had arranged with us to come and visit and spend the night, as they were on a week's vacation. When they arrived, the sister of my sister-in-law was with them!! Nothing has been discussed about her coming with them. It was an inconvenience, as she had to sleep on a blow-up mattress in our den. Was I wrong to be upset that they brought her without asking? Thank you.

A I agree, it was rude of them to bring a guest without letting you know. Now you know that the next time they are expected for the night, you ask them ahead of time, "Is it just the two of you?".

Codes + Conduct: Unwanted Drinks From Men in a Bar
Q While out to lunch with my sister, a group of men sent us drinks. I did not want to accept them, so I said no thank you, we are just having lunch. The waitress refused to tell the men that their drinks were declined so I asked for the manager and he also took the waitress's view. I was furious and made my sister leave with me. My sister was angry with me because she thought I was making too big of a deal and should have just accepted the drinks and stayed. I have never accepted drinks because of what it implies and I don't think I should have to spare someone's ego, but I am never rude about it. I feel that the waitress and manager were forcing me into a situation that made me uncomfortable. Was there a better way to handle this?

A The waitress should have asked you and your sister if you wanted to accept drinks from the men. Since the drinks were pushed on you, once you realized you were in a no-win situation, you could have left the drinks untouched, finished your lunch and exited. Ingnoring someone is as bad as a slap in the face.

Codes + Conduct: Upscale Casual
Q What does one wear when the dress is "upscale casual"?

A It depends upon the climate. In Palm Beach, "upscale casual" means designer resort wear. In, say, New York City it means expensive designer play clothes. Think Prada or Ralph Lauren. "Upscale" means expensive. "Casual" could mean jeans and boots, but no tie.

Codes + Conduct: Using "Sir"
Q When should anyone call a man "sir"?

A In the American South, it is considered good manners and a matter of respect to say "sir," but in the rest of the country it simply is not done. The exception would be if you were trying to calm down someone in an inflammatory situation and you didn't know his name but you wanted to call attention to him as a person. For instance, a police officer who just pulled over a male driver for speeding might say "sir," if he doesn't know his name. And, of course, everyone in the armed forced uses "sir."

Codes + Conduct: Using a Spit Cup
Q How do you sample food and use a spit cup to get rid of the chewed food?

A Daintily.

Codes + Conduct: Using Blank Cards
Q When filling in a blank card (Thank You, etc.), on which side of the card do you begin your message?

A It would depend upon how much you have to write. If you are unsure of how much space you will need to write what you want to say, then make a draft of the thank-you note on a separate piece of paper; hold that paper up to the card to estimate approximately whether you should start your message on the left hand side of the open card and perhaps continue on to the right hand side and then end on the back of the card, or whether it fits on just the right hand side of the card. If you do use the back, remember to draw an arrow at the bottom to direct the reader to the back of the card. Some people even include the word "over," others number each side of the card they write on with one, two, three.

Codes + Conduct: Using Dr. as a Vet
Q I am a veterinarian.....so my title is Dr. ....however many people seem to want to use MS or Miss .....I thought when you use a title if the person has a professional title they are to use that title...am I right or wrong?

A You worked for your title and you have e