Codes + Conduct: Addressing: A Doctor and His Wife
Q How do you address an envelope to a male doctor and his wife? Is it Dr. Stanley Smith and Mrs. Mary Smith?

A To address an envelope to a male doctor and his wife, you would write: Dr. and Mrs. Stanley Smith. You would not use Mrs. Smith's first name, unless she hadn't changed her last name to that of her husband's.

Codes + Conduct: Addressing: A Minister & Her Husband
Q In preparing and labeling design plans for my clients, how would I list a couple when the wife is a minister?

A It would depend if the wife has degrees, because many ministers have quite a few degrees. If she has a doctorate, it would be:

The Reverend Dr. Jane Austen and Mr. John Austen

To be sure that you get it right, you should ask your client because a clergy member with degrees might use their degree initials after their names, so it might be "The Right Reverend Jane Austen and Mr. John Austen" or "The Right Reverend Jane Austen, D.D., L.L.D. and Mr. John Austen."

Codes + Conduct: Addressing: Jr. When Sr. Is No Longer Living
Q John Doe Sr. is no longer living. Does John Doe continue to be addressed as Jr. (in correspondence)?

A Within two years, John Doe, Jr. would drop the Jr. because there is no longer a chance that the two men will be confused. Only men with well-known fathers do this, for instance J. F. Kennedy, Jr., and Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jr., because their fathers are so very famous.

Codes + Conduct: Addressing: Working Women
Q What is the proper way to addessa bridal shower invitation: Mrs. Robert Clark or Mrs. Susan Clark?

A It depends upon the age of the woman. Most married women over the age of forty respond to Mrs. Robert Clark. If your friend has professionally another name, then you might want to address her as Ms. Susan Clark.

Codes + Conduct: Fiftieth Birthday Party for Boss
Q My boss is planning her 50th birthday party along with her husband (is his 50th birthday party, too), and I don't know what kind of present I should give them.

A Give them something fun such as a night out bowling or a funny book. As you are employed by her, you are not expected to spend a lot of money on her gift. If you do spend a lot of money, she won't believe that you need a raise. It is always best to look for something funny or amusing, such as an adult board game.

Codes + Conduct: A Gentleman Walks Closest to the Traffic
Q Where did it originate that a gentleman should walk on the street side of the curb and should this still be practiced?

A In the days of the horse and buggy, the gentleman walked on the outside closest to the road to protect the lady from everything from a runaway horse to carriage wheels splashing through puddles. He was her first line of defense against traffic. Nowadays, people still seem to identify a man that walks nearest to the onslaught of traffic as a true gentleman. If one wants to be thought of as a gentleman, then one behaves like one.

Codes + Conduct: Airplane Etiquette
Q What is good plane etiquette? Do you ignore your seat mate in fear of starting a never-ending conversation? How do you be polite without being rude?

A The surest way NOT to engage in conversation is to:

Not make eye contact
Not make small talk
Not help with overhead baggage
Not laugh or cry over the movie
Not offer to share a taxi or limo

However, less high-stressed sophisticates who want to appear civilized make smiling non-verbal eye contact just once with other passengers in close proximity. If your seat mate tries to chat you up, take out your laptop or a book and redirect your focus.

Codes + Conduct: American Flag Etiquette
Q Is there a right way to dislay other flags with the American flag? Is there a rule or law about flying the US flag after it has become dirty and ragged?

A The American flag is always flown higher than any other flag and it is flown in the center, if there are other flags. So: if there are three flags, the American flag is flown higher than the two flags on either side of it. There are no rules carved in stone about when to retire a tattered American flag. When you can afford to buy a new one, you might dispose of your tattered flag in a somber, dignified ceremony in your back yard and burn it without fanfare. Alternatively, if you telephone your local fire department, or boy scout or girl scout troop, they will burn the flag for you.

Codes + Conduct: Argument for Good Manners.
Q What is the best way to explain the importance of good manners to someone who thinks that good manners are restrictive and unnecessary? Thank you for your time.

A Good manners are based on consideration, compassion and compromise. Any social situation or problem can most likely be solved if any or all of these words are considered. Society created boundaries of behavior out of necessity, because otherwise we would have chaos. There are no rules of manners carved in stone and enforced by etiquette police. Through trial and error over a lifetime, we learn to go up the ladder; when we are considerate, people are usually considerate back, when we are compassionate, people eventually are compassionate towards us, and when we compromise, we resolve the problem, the conflict, or/and the stress.

Codes + Conduct: Asking New Home Purchase Price
Q Is it proper to ask someone how much the purchase price of a new house?

A No, it is not proper to ask someone the purchase price of their new house. Do people do it? Sadly, yes. It is up to the new house owner to disclose that information without prompting. With humor, it is often easier to extract that figure by goading the person into telling you while teasing him or her gently.

Codes + Conduct: Audience Etiquette
Q What behavior should an attendee engage in while attending a public meeting or forum? Are there some basic dos and don'ts as a member of the audience? May I publish your answer in our civic league newsletter?

A You may publish my answer in your civic league newsletter only if you give credit to Didi Lorillard at www.newportmanners.com.

Don't be late because it is disruptive. Arrive early to get a good seat. Take off your hat and coat before entering the room and fold your coat over your lap after you're seated, or hang your jacket on the back of your chair. Keep your briefcase under or next to your chair so that nobody stumbles over it trying to make their way out to the aisle. Do not chew gum or tobacco, eat food, or drink a beverage other than water. Listen carefully and quietly before you raise your hand to speak because the issue might have been covered while you were talking to a seat mate. When your request to speak is acknowledged, state your name, address, and, if relevant, your connection or expertise in the matter at hand. You address the audience and/or the people on the dais with, "Ladies and gentlemen......

Do not interrupt anyone else while they are speaking and if you are interrupted, be patient. Before criticizing anyone or anything, make sure that you know what you're talking about. Most of the time you will find that you can narrow whatever you are trying to say down to three points, so have three sentences rehearsed so that no matter what happens, you get your three points across in about three minutes. Thank the chair and the ladies and gentlemen in the audience for their attention and for letting you speak. After returning to your seat, wait until there is a break between speakers before exiting the auditorium.

Codes + Conduct: Auto Etiquette
Q Like to see a standard for IN CAR manners, described: regarding temperature control, picking nose, radio control, road rage, jerky driving, etc.

A Good manner and etiquette are used everywhere, even in cars, because they are based on consideration, compassion and compromise. So: be considerate of other passengers and drivers, be compassionate, don't subject other passengers to having to witness tending to body hygiene in the car, and compromise on the temperature and radio control.

Codes + Conduct: Auto Etiquette: Chauffer
Q Sitting in a chauffer driven car, who sits on right?

A Customarily, the driver would open the right rear car door first for the woman to get into the car and she would sit on the right side of the back seat. The man would enter the car through the left side rear door and sit in back of the chauffeur next to the woman. The exception might be on a terrifically busy street at rush hour in a bit city when cars are zooming by at a clip, then the man might enter through the rear right door and scoot himself over to the left side of the seat, then the woman would enter and sit on the right. If there is only one passenger, he or she would sit in the right rear seat.

Codes + Conduct: Aversion to Shaking Hands
Q I hate to shake hands because I know that more germs are passed through shaking hands then they are by kissing; however, as I am a man, most of the time kissing is not appropriate. I have a horror of touching someone else's hands. How can I avoid the dreaded proverbial handshake?

A You are not the only one who finds shaking hands repugnant. It is easier for women to avoid a hand shake because when a man is introduced to a women he doesn't extend his hand to shake hers unless she puts her hand out first. On the other hand, a man only needs to shake hands for three seconds, so at least you can control the length of contact. If, as you say, you cannot stand the touch of flesh, why not develop a hefty manly hug? Put your arms out in front of you hinged at the elbow robot-style and advance towards the greeter, placing your hands briefly on the person's back. You might even find that hugging is a nice experience; everyone everywhere does it. You will be spared having to touch any flesh but at the same time you will have cultivated an enthusiastic greeting. One particularly outspoken cousin here in Newport makes it known wherever she goes that she doesn't shake hands and she talks about it openly so that everyone within earshot knows not to attempt to shake her hand.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Announcements
Q My husband and I recently moved away from our family and friends. We are expecting our first baby and wondered what the proper etiquette would be for inviting all of our friends and family back home. Even though we know most of them won't be able to attend, do we still send an invite or is that rude and seeming like we are only expecting a gift???

A Since you know that most of your friends back home will not be able to attend the baby shower, you would not send them invitations. However, you can send them all a birth announcement announcing the full name of the baby, the date of birth, and weight at birth, along with a photo of the baby. Your return address would be on the back of the envelope so that if anyone wants to send your baby a gift, they know where to send it.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Announcing a New Baby
Q I would like to purchase thank-you stationary with an embossed monogram for an upcoming baby girl shower in March (baby is due in April). Can the baby's monogram be used or should I use my own?



A Actually, you can do it either way. You can use her monogram or yours. Another way you can do it is to have the stationery with your monogram and enclose a small baby card with the baby's full name. The monogram won't tell people her name, whereas the card would have her full name. The small baby card is the traditional way of announcing the baby's name and, interestingly enough, has now become popular once again.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Ask Before Touching Pregnant Woman's Belly
Q Asking before touching pregnant woman?


A People's personal space is a huge consideration. As a woman becomes larger during her pregnancy and shinning in her glory, some people are moved to touch her belly. She may be irresistible, but you need to ask permission to touch her. Ask first.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Birth Announcement
Q If a person attends a baby shower and gives a gift at the shower, should that person receive a birth announcement, or is an announcement just asking for another gift?

A Receiving a birth announcement is always a joy. If the friend or relative has already given the baby a present and a thank-you note has already been sent, why not send that person an announcement, also? These days birth announcements are very creative and they are such an easy way to remind friends that they are a part of your life. I have a wonderful cousin, Christy, who has just had three babies in quick succession and upon receiving each baby gift, she has sent out a thank-you note followed by a formal birth announcement. The birth announcement is an additional thank-you on top of the handwritten thank-you. You can never thank enough.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Christening Presents
Q What is an appropriate gift for a baby christening?

A If you go to Tiffany & Company online and click-on baby gifts, you will find lots of ideas. You will see the classics: a silver baby cup, a silver frame for a baby picture, several silver teething rings, or a china baby cup and plate. The silver cup and frame can be engraved with the baby's name, monogram, or birth or christening date. Alternatively, you might find those gifts locally. Classic children's books are also an excellent present and you can inscribe them with the baby's name, date of christening and your name. You want to give a gift that they can have forever and that might possibly be passed down to their children, which is why silver and books are the best presents. If the gift is for a girl, you might give a piece of baby jewelry, which might be a small cross on a chain, charm for a charm bracelet, or a couple of pearls to start a pearl necklace.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Nursing Towels Gift
Q I received as a gift what appears to be three white linen tea towels as a baby gift after I gave birth to my daughter. I'm not sure what they are and why they were given as a baby gift. How do I thank the giver, since I can't thank them for the gift by name, since I'm not sure what it is?

A In my opinion, this is an incredibly elegant and chic baby present. White linen towels in this instance are called either "nursing towels" or "teething towels," depending upon the age of the baby. We moms call them "burping towels"; however, you wouldn't want to call them that in a thank-you note. If your daughter is being christened, you would take the linen towels to the ceremony and place one over the godmother's shoulder before handing her your baby. That way if the baby drools, the linen towel is there to absorb the liquid. After the ceremony everyone will want to hold the baby, so you will be happy that you've got two fresh, elegant linen towels in your bag. Usually they would be used whenever your daughter is dressed up, whether it is for Great Aunt Betty, who wants to rock her in the rocking chair, or for when her granddaddy just wants to hold her to his chest. Those white linen towels will come in mighty handy at special moments. In your thank-you note say that you greatly appreciate the elegant and thoughtful nursing towels and that you find them incredibly elegant to use.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Presents
Q Do you give a baby gift at the birth of a child if you already gave a shower gift? What if it is a second child, and there was no baby shower?

A It would depend upon your relationship with the baby's parents, the needs of the family, and what you can afford. If you have already given a shower present, that is considered your baby gift. However, if you are invited to the baptism, you might give a baptism gift. If it is a second child and there was no baby shower, the mother would most likely greatly appreciate a gift of fresh baby clothing or bedding for her new baby. By all means, if you can afford to give the second baby a gift, please do.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower for Third Child
Q My daughter has two sons and is expecting a girl. Two years ago we had a baby shower for her. Is it proper to have another baby shower since she is having a girl?

A By all means, the baby should have a shower. Every baby deserves fresh clothing and linens; however, close family does not solicit gifts for family. Perhaps a friend of your daughter's or a cousin might host the party and send out the invitations and you might help with the cost behind the scenes.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower Thank-You Notes
Q What is the proper time frame to send out thank-you notes for a baby shower?

A Thank-you notes should be mailed within two weeks after the baby shower. If there are a lot of them to write, say, over ten, then they should all be mailed within a month.

Codes + Conduct: Baby Etiquette: Shower Thank-You Present for Host
Q What is an appropriate price to spend on a gift as a "Thank You" for hosting a baby shower?

A It would depend upon whether there was more than one host, if the party was hosted in their home or a restaurant, what was served at the party and the cost of the favors. If there are several hostesses who shared the cost, you might give each hostess, say, a miniature rose in a pot with a pretty ribbon. If there was one hostess, you might send her a gift certificate to her favorite florist or restaurant along with a heartfelt thank-you note. Price would be predicated on how much you can afford, the total expense of the shower, and how the expense was divided. I know you don't like this answer, but I would need more information to give you a more precise answer.

Codes + Conduct: Baccalaureate Etiquette
Q What is the proper etiquette for a baccalaureate service?

A You will be instructed what to do and where to sit. Dress as if you were going to a church service: a man would wear a tie and jacket and a woman would wear a dress or summer suit. A baccalaureate service is very much like a church service with readings and speakers, except that it is non-denominational.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Monetary gifts
Q Got invited to a bar mitzvah but will not attend. Do we still send a gift?

A If you are a relative or a close friend of the family, you would want to send the child a gift or a card with a small check enclosed in order to sustain the relationship with the parents. If you don't really wish to keep the aquaintance, you do not have to send a gift.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Monetary gifts
Q How much money is appropriate for a cash bar mitzvah cash gift?

A Depending upon how much you can afford and where the bar mitzvah is taking place, for instance in a large city such as New York, one hundred dollars might be appropriate. In smaller towns and the suburbs, fifty dollars.

Codes + Conduct: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette: Reciprocation
Q If my son is invited to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, does he have to reciprocate?

A Although a Bar/Bat Mitzvah invitation is a social bid and it is best to reciprocate with a return social bid, because it is a sacred religious ceremony, not everyone does or can. Customarily, a gift is the best reciprocation.

Codes + Conduct: Bare Legs in Richmond
Q Do you wear hose with heeled sandals for semi-formal occassion in Richmond Va?

A If your legs and feet are well taken care of, there are not a lot of things sexier than well-groomed, defined, shined legs that lead to colorful toenails. If that is not the case, then by all means wear hose that will tone them.

Codes + Conduct: Bathroom Etiquette: A Toilet Paper Issue of How It Hangs
Q We have a family discussion on this topic---Which is the proper way to hang toilet paper/paper towels? The end piece hanging toward the front or toward the wall?

A For twenty-five years my husband and I have had this issue with the tissue. His family always had the piece to pull farthest from the wall, which I find hard to handle. In my family the toilet paper was drawn from against the wall. So: I am an against the wall person and it so annoys me when he replaces it his way. There are issues in life, we have to decide which battles to fight. Toilet paper is not one of mine. However, I am the one, when I see it needs replacing, to replace it my way.

Codes + Conduct: Bathroom Etiquette: Commode Seat
Q Bathroom etiquette - Commode seat

A A gentleman always lowers the seat back down, but he does not necessarily have to put the lid down, too.

Codes + Conduct: Bedroom Etiquette: Bed Mat
Q At hotels what is the white linen towel on the floor for when you have your bed turned down?

A One would assume that the cloth is there for you to step on when your feet are bare, perhaps to catch any superficial dust or sand and when you get out of bed it is there to cushion your feet from the cold floor.

Codes + Conduct: Boat Etiquette: Dedicating + Decorating a Cake
Q What is the proper verbiage to write on a cake, when you are dedicating a boat to a living person in honor of all their work in starting our team?

A Have an image of the boat duplicated on the cake and write, "In gratitude of (insert the person's name)." Since I don't know the size of the cake, it is difficult to say how much you can do with the cake.

Codes + Conduct: Bow or Curtsey to Her Majesty
Q Must Americans bow or curtsey when meeting British royalty?

A It might depend upon whether you are on British soil or you are in the United States, whether you are an American fficial, or not. For instance, if you are greeting Her Majesty in the United States, you might make a modest bow while shaking her hand. If in Great Britain, you might make a dainty curtsey to Her Majesty. Years ago there was a hugely overblown controversy about whether American women officials should bow or not and the protocol code changed; now women officials are not supposed to bow or curtsey to Royalty.

Codes + Conduct: Boyfriend Chews with Open Mouth
Q Help! My most awesome boyfriend, who is a dream come true, chews with his mouth open. When we're alone, I gently point this out and he tries not to do it, but when we're dining with friends or my family I don't want to humiliate him. How do I tell him in public to close his mouth without embarrassing him?

A Training a man to chew with his mouth closed falls into that same category as teaching a man to put down the toilet seat. Men are largely rote learners. Nonetheless, when you've had your first grandchild, he might still be chewing with his mouth open. Be patient. It's good that you're catching this early in the relationship. Pick a symbol and agree that when you ask him, say, to please pass the salt (even if it is sitting in front of you or in front of another), he will know that you are not talking about the salt. He will remember that you want him to close his mouth when he chews. Then on the way home, thank him for remembering to chew with his mouth closed. You don't have to remind him that you had to use the symbol. Your appreciation will be all that is needed for him to remember that your asking for the salt is not just about the salt. You might even give him a kiss or a squeeze to emphasize your appreciation.

Codes + Conduct: Breaking Rolls
Q When eating a roll, how many pieces is it okay to break it into? How do you eat a roll properly?

A If you are, say, right handed, you would take the roll in your left hand and with your right hand you would gently tear a piece or two from the roll placing both pieces on the plate. After returning the roll to the plate, you would then pick up the pieces one at a time and eat them. It is not so much a matter of breaking rolls, as pulling them apart into manageable bites.

Codes + Conduct: Breaking Wind
Q Should you excuse yourself if you break wind in the presence of another person?

A It would depend upon the situation. For instance if you were in a store, you wouldn't excuse yourself to the public at large. Nevertheless, if you were in an intimate position in bed, you might either make light of the situation, ignore the situation, or excuse yourself. If you're at a party, you might say nothing in the hope that by not owning up to the situation, people around you would not be absolutely sure it came from you. There is that thin line between whether people know for sure that it came from you because they heard it or you are not sure that they heard it. Most people ignore the situation because it happens to all of us at one time or another.

Codes + Conduct: Breast Feeding
Q What should I do now that I have a new baby and am nursing?! My husband and I are invited to an open house and want to bring our baby! She will need to be fed during the time we are there! HELP!

A As someone who has nursed two babies, this is the answer I would give. First you need to ask your host if you can bring your baby. Upon greeting your host you would ask where you can feed your baby in privacy or semi-privacy; otherwise you will have to use a bathroom or go out to your car while you nurse. Be a self-sustaining guest and remember that the purpose of your host's open house is for him to tend to all of his guests and in no way should you and your baby become the center of attention. It would be best if you planned your feeding schedule around the time of the party; nurse your baby before and after the party so that you can have time to enjoy yourself. As it is an open-house, your stay probably would not last more than an hour anyway.

Codes + Conduct: Brushing Away Crumbs
Q Is is appropriate after you have finished eating to brush away the crumbs carefully that invariably land at your place setting?

A Yes.

Codes + Conduct: Calling Doctors by Their Given Names
Q I work with Dr's and at times we socialize after work. The Dr's want me to call them by their first names; I feel that is disrespectful - can you help? A Dr is a Dr wherever they are.

A When a person asks you to call them by their given name, then you should honor their request. You might mention next time they ask you to drop the doctor title that you are afraid if you start calling them by their first name off-hours, you will forget to call them doctor at work. Then it will be up to them to ask you to call them by their first name at work, too.

Codes + Conduct: Cap + Tassel
Q What side of the cap does the tassel hang for graduation?

A The tassel hangs on the right side.

Codes + Conduct: Capitalizing Seasons
Q Is summer capitalized in a sentence. i.e. Hope you are enjoying your Summer?

A No, you would not capitalize the word summer in a sentence, as in "your summer", although, you would capitalize the word summer when referring to a particular summer, such as the "Summer of '68." When referring to the Fall or the Spring, you would capitalize the word.

Codes + Conduct: Caps
Q Hello. Can you please tell me why it is considered impolite by many traditionalists to wear a baseball cap to the side or backwards? Thank you.

A A gentleman takes his hat off when he enters a private home. The purpose of the hat and the cap is to protect the top of the head from the sun, rain and snow. Men who are insecure about their receding hairline often wear baseball caps until they come to grips with the fact that it is a natural occurrence. Just the way gangs have colors, guys will go with a group that wears their cap on one side of the other or backwards.

Codes + Conduct: Cellphone Etiquette
Q What is good cellphone etiquette?

A Always take your calls in private. Turn off cellphones at social gatherings, in meetings, at work, and on a date. If you must answer it, speak softly, but only long enough to say that you will call back. If it is important and you must use your cellphone, text message.

Codes + Conduct: Changing Names
Q I'm changing my name following a recent divorce. How should I alert my friends and business colleagues of my name change?

A If you are also changing your address, you might send out a chic "change of address card" with your new address, phone numbers, and e-mail address with the name which you wish to be addressed at the top. On the back of the envelope, print your new name and address. If you are not changing your address, you might have to wait until the holidays and send out cards with the new information, or have a party for a friend and send out invitations. Whatever you decide to do, order some fine stationery with your new name and start using it for thank-you notes and condolences; by word of mouth, the word will get out.

Codes + Conduct: Charity Fundraiser: Thank-You Note
Q What is the proper thank-you for a charity fundraiser (fire relief)? Are you supposed to send a formal thank-you to each person who helped you during your time of need?

A Yes, you can send one formal thank-you letter to every one who helped, but you would personalize the salutation. If you know the person by first name, the salutation would be Dear Didi, and not Dear Ms. Lorillard. At the bottom of the letter, you would sign your name, the name that they know you as. By giving the personal touch, you show that you have taken the time to make sure that their name is as you would call them. For instance, my given name is Edith and it is on my check, so if you knew me as Didi, and called me as such, but the salutation said Dear Edith, I would know that the thank-you note had been generated because it lacked the personal touch. Another touch you might add, would be to write a short sentence under your signature, such as: Didi, you made our fundraiser happen. Many thanks,
Hank.

Codes + Conduct: Charity Thank-You Note
Q Thank-you note for a donation for charity?

A You would write the note on behalf of the board of directors and the recipients of the charity. You would say that you greatly appreciate the generous donation and you would list the amount. You would say (insert the name of the organization and amount), "The Daughters of the Cincinnati gratefully acknowledge your gift of one hundred dollars. Your gift is tax deductible to the full extend allowed by law." I would have to know more about the person to whom you are writing, the amount of the donation, and the nature of the charity in order for me to give you the precise letter that you are looking for.

Codes + Conduct: Cheating on the Check-Out Line
Q Is it proper etiquette for a woman to continue to shop while her husband stands in the checkout line? My wife never stops shopping until she leaves the store. Often I will stand in line with none of her merchandise or money only to save her space. I think this is rude behavior but she gets angry when I tell her it is wrong.

A Is it proper etiquette, no, not really; however, people do it all the time. The husband has the choice of standing in line and getting out faster or helping his wife gather the goods. If your wife's behavior annoys you, tell her to give you the list because you are going to gather the goods while she stands in line, and see what happens. She might change her stance after being the recipient of disapproving glances.

Codes + Conduct: Cheeks Kissing
Q Should we kiss both cheeks when greeting English, Irish and Scottish? Any difference in number of kiss(es)? And mostly very confusing...which side should we kiss first? How can we tell?

A It would depend upon your relationship with the person you are greeting. Kissing etiquette is swiftly changing because of the phobias about germs. Air kissing is far more trendy. If you must kiss someone twice, start on the left cheek and move to the right, if they are seemingly receptive. If they lean back, take your cue and back off. A bright smile, welcoming words and, perhaps, a hug are far more common these days on both sides of the pond.

Codes + Conduct: Chewing Gum
Q Is it polite to chew gum in public?

A The only time chewing gum is acceptable is during an airplane flight when chewing gum can alleviate pressure in the ears.

Codes + Conduct: Children + Restaurants
Q I have a question regarding children and restaurants. I was under the impression that if there is NO children's menu then children are not welcome at the restaurant and therefore it is inappropriate to take them. Is this correct or incorrect and if you have additional information that would be great?!

A It depends upon the age of the child and the level of maturity of the child. Some children do very well in restaurants; those who cannot sit still, for instance, do not. In many restaurants, it would be difficult to know until you were actually seated at the table with a menu, if there are child-size portions. The trick with children is to take them to good restaurants early in the evening so that they are not too tired and too hungry; as restaurants fill up the noise can become overstimulating. A general rule is that if the restaurant has table cloths, cloth napkins, fresh flowers on the table, votive candles and spiffy waiters, it is probably not an appropriate restaurant for children under the age of ten. Although, it is a bit of a Catch 22, if children start dining in nice restaurants at an early age, they learn to feel comfortable with the dining experience and you can probably take those ten years anywhere. However, if you take a ten-year-old into a sophisticated restaurant for the first time and expect him to behave like a grown-up, he might feel self-conscious and his behavior might be disappointing. Unfortunately, more often than not, parents take children to restaurants that serve alcohol because they can't get a drink at places like Burger King.

Codes + Conduct: Children Etiquette: Restaurants
Q I would like some advice on dining out with the family. Mainly, what is the best way to keep from disturbing other diners when you bring kids to a restaurant?

A When choosing a restaurant to take your kids to, be sure that it is kid friendly with highchairs and something on the menu that they can eat. When making a reservation, say that you have kids so that you won't be seated in the busiest part of the restaurant. Choose a restaurant that won't be over stimulating, say, in terms of very loud music or very low lighting (eerie). Be sure that you bring something for them to gnaw on while waiting for their food, such as a teething biscuit or carrots. It is best to take a blank notebook and pencil so the child can draw, or if he is older, play Tic-Tac-Toe or Hangman; or bring a game boy. Stay away from toys with lots of pieces and parts. Order something right away. Prior to entering the restaurant, you would talk about why in restaurants we use "inside voices." If the child fusses, it means he might be overstimulated so, you would take him to the restroom or outside until he or she regains self-control. Have a real conversation and use the restaurant as a classroom for teaching them what various foods on the menu are and how they are pronounced; have a guessing game while you are eating about how the foods are spelled. Talk about how bread and butter are made and the purpose of each utensil, as well as good manners. For instance, "We do not put our elbows on the table because if everyone put their elbows on the table the table would be too crowded and milk glasses might turn over." If you give them the logic, they will learn.

Codes + Conduct: Choosing a Gift
Q What kind of birthday present can I give someone I'm meeting for the first time?

A It would depend upon the occasion, the relationship, and your budget. If you click on Frequently Asked Questions at the top of the page and then scroll down to Token Gifts, you will find a great list.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Etiquette
Q Do you need to give a gift when you are attending a christening?

A No, you do not need to give a gift if you are just attending a christening. However, if you are also attending, say, the luncheon afterwards, you would send a gift for the child.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gift
Q My boyfriend of 5 months and I are going to a christening reception for my brother's twins....I always enclosed money with a card; should my boyfriend contribute as well?

A If you are in a committed relationship, he might want the option of contributing money and signing the card. However, if the relationship has not developed to that stage, you have no right to expect him to contribute.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gift
Q What is an appropriate dollar amount for a baby's christening gift?

A It would depend upon how well you know the parent(s) and how much you can afford. Nowadays, parents will often register for baby gifts so that they are assured of getting what they need for their new baby. Why not ask the parent if they registered anywhere for baby gifts, then go to the Web site and find a gift that you like and that you can afford? That way you'll know that the parents are getting what they need.

Of course, if you are a God parent or close friend, you might want to send a personalized gift from, say, Tiffany & Company. Traditionally silver teething rings, silver cups, and silver frames are gifts that last a lifetime.

Christening gifts typically cost anywhere from $25. to $250. However, it is often the thoughtfulness of the gift that is what is appreciated. For instance, for a totally original and whimsical gifts, you might want to go on-line to www.thebirthdayboat.com where you will find charming artwork matted and framed that you can have personalized with the baby's name and date of birth for under $100.

The question you might want to ask yourself is this: Do I want to give a practical gift or a gift that will last a lifetime.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Gifts
Q How do I ask for cash on the invite instead of gift for my baby's christening?

A You are not going to like my answer. The christening of a baby is a deeply religious ceremony. It is not a call for booty. If you cannot afford to give the church a donation for the christening, then you might ask your guests to put money in the plate when it is passed during the church service instead of bringing the baby a gift.

Codes + Conduct: Christening Present Etiquette
Q Our friends' son is being christened this weekend. Is it proper to bring a gift to the celebration afterwards?

A Yes, if you would like to bring the baby a christening present, by all means do so. However, if you are not a godparent, you might only bring the child a children's book for his library, as a godparent might be giving the monogrammed silver baby cup or frame.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Dress Code: Godmother
Q I was asked to be the Godmother to my best friend's child, the baptism will be held in late October. I was thinking to wear a long sleeve dress and maybe some knee high boots? I want to be covered up in case it is cold?? Any suggestions??

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear knee high boots in October unless the temperature is near freezing. Wear comfortable shoes because you will be standing while holding the baby. Which brings me to the fact that if you are wearing a dress that you care about, take a linen hand towel to lay across your shoulder to absorb any liquid that the baby might let loose.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Gifts
Q My best friend is baptising her new baby. Do I bring a gift?

A You wouldn't necessarily take a gift to the church because it might be difficult for the new mother to juggle the baby with what to do about getting the gifts home. If there is a luncheon or celebation after the ceremony, you could give her the gift for the baby then or you can have it sent to her from the store. Traditionally, you would send the baby a silver baby cup with his or her name engraved on the side. Whatever you give is meant to be a keepsake. My 28- year-old daughter still has the tiny pearl bracelet that my best friend gave her when she was christened. If she ever has a daughter or granddaughter, she can pass that bracelet on to her. There are numerous other gifts from classic children's books to stocks or bonds that are customarily given to a baby at his or her christening.

Codes + Conduct: Christening: Tipping the Priest
Q Is it customary to tip a priest at a Catholic baptism and, if so, who should do the tipping?

A The parents of the baby are the ones who (I assume) made the plans for the ceremony and would give a 'gratuity' in the form of money as a 'thank you' for the extra special time he spent for the Christening. The amount is discretionary depending on the parents' income and circumstances. A check would be made out to the priest or to the parish, which might possibly be tax deductible.

Codes + Conduct: Christenting Gift Etiquette
Q Hello, my question concerns the proper etiquette when invited to a christening that you will not attend. Is it bad etiquette not to send a gift?

A If you do not attend the christening, then you are not required to send a gift. However, in order to sustain the relationship, you might at least send a handwritten, heartfelt note thanking the person for including you; even a christening card will do. For a personalized christening gift for under a hundred dollars, you might want to check out Newport's popular www.thebirthdayboat.com.

Codes + Conduct: Christmakkah
Q This question has plagued me over the years. Is it acceptable for us to celebrate Christmas? Should we? Could we? I am a divorced mother of two children. My ex-husband is Christian and celebrated Christmas with a tree and an exchange of presents. He brings my kids to his sister's home every year for Christmas dinner and an exchange of gifts. I am Jewish, but I am not religious and was not brought up with any knowledge of my religion. I say I'm Jewish because my parents were. As a child, we celebrated Hanukkah. Every year, I have to hear the same thing from my kids: "Can't we have a tree?" It kills me to see many homes decorated for the holidays and ours is bare (except for a menorah). I had a Jewish friend who forbade me to celebrate anything but Hanukkah. Is there some kind of compromise here? Maybe some kind of Christmakkah? Does Christmas have to be a religious holiday? Thank you, I'm sure this question comes up often.


A You answered your own question. Etiquette is about compromise, as well as compassion and consideration. Families need to create their own traditions and celebrate holidays in a way that makes everyone in the family happy. Turkey is not just for Christians. Why not find out something about Christmas that each member of the family likes about Christmas and incorporate that into your family's Christmas and even include the same number of symbols from the Jewish religion. What makes family celebrations special, is the people who celebrate them.

Codes + Conduct: Christmas Card Signage
Q What is the proper way to sign the family Christmas card?

A If the card is a photo of the family, you would have the names in the order the family members appear from left to right. If the photos are just of the kids, under the greeting you would put the parents' names Caroline and Charles Dickens and then underneath that the names of the parents from left to right as they appear in the photos. If there is no photo, you would put the children's names according to ages after the parents'. You might write, Best wishes from the Brown's, and then list the family members.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Applying Lipstick in Church
Q A friend of mine applies lipstick while sitting in church - is this o k ?

A If your friend applies her lipstick in a discreet fashion, it is fine. However, if she brings out her compact to see what she is doing as she applies lip liner, lipstick, and lip gloss and then blots, she might be calling attention to herself. I am a big fan of a colored lipgloss that I can whip out and have back in my bag swiftly without anyone noticing.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Baptism + First Communion Gifts
Q What kind of gifts do you give for a first communion or baptism?

A Traditonally, the sterling silver baby cup with the child's given name engraved on and around the side of the cup is the favored gift for a Christening. Also, popular is an engraved silver picture frame and teething ring, china cup and saucer set in a child motif. If you really want to be imaginative, you can start a wine cellar or a college fund for the child. Heirloom as well as new baby jewelry is also very popular for girls. If you check out the Tiffany & Company and Cartier Web sites, you will find lots of good ideas.

For a first communion, you might give the child a gift certificate for the local book store, jewelry, a bible, or an amusement park voucher. Traditionally, the first communion present for a girl is a small gold cross on a gold chain or a gold cross charm for her charm bracelet.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Baptism Gifts
Q Gift for a baptism?

A Traditionally, the gift for baptism is a silver cup, spoon, teething ring or picture frame engraved with the baby's initials or name, and often the date, or a piece of baby jewelry, such as a small gold cross on a chain or a bracelet.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Catholic Baptism
Q What is the proper etiquette for a Jewish godmother attending the baptism at the Catholic church? Please advise.

A The parent will give you the baby to hold at the start of the baptismal ceremony while the priest blesses the baby. The priest might take the baby from you to baptize or, if he is elderly, he might baptize the baby with holy water while you hold the baby. During the ceremony you will most likely be given a Prayer book opened to the baptismal ceremony and along with other godparents you would say your lines taking your cues from the priest. If you are the one holding the baby, the other godparent might hold the Prayer book for you so that you can read your lines together. I am a little confused by the wording of your question. After the service, you might be invited to lunch either at the baby's parent's home or at a restaurant. You might give the baby a gift of a silver cup, spoon, or frame, often engraved with the child's name and the date commemorating the sacrament. Alternatively, you could give a savings bond towards college or a piece of jewelry. You would dress appropriately in a well-cut skirt suit and low heeled shoes. This is a very general answer because different churches tend to handle the ceremony slightly differently, but you will be briefed on the procedure before the ceremony. If there are two godmother's, you might share holding the baby. If there is a godfather, it would be less likely that he would hold the baby. As you will probably be holding the baby at some point, you would not want to be wearing anything that might feel scratchy to the baby, or fur that the baby might be allergic to, and you definitely would not wear perfume because between your perfume and the incense, the scent might be too strong for a very young baby. It goes without saying that you would arrive at the church well ahead of the ceremony for your instructions. As several babies might be being baptized during the same ceremony, you would want to connect with the other godparents so that you work in tandem.

Codes + Conduct: Church Etiquette: Catholic Christening Gifts
Q We come from a Catholic family and we are having our baby's christening this weekend. What type of gift or thank-you do we give to our baby's godparents? I have received mixed messages. Is there such a thing as christening etiquette?

A You do not give the godparents anything; however, you might invite them for a nice lunch after the christening. The godparents give the significant gift and then any other gifts are simply what anyone wants to give.

Codes + Conduct: Clanking Your Spoon Against Your Teeth
Q Is it all right manners to clank the spoon against your teeth when eating?

A Please, whatever you do, do not clank the spoon against your teeth when eating. It is as annoying as the sound of a spoon scrapping the bowl or plate.

Codes + Conduct: Class Reunion
Q If you graduated at a different school than the one you first attended, can you go to the class reunion without an invite?

A By all means, if you want to go to the class reunion at your old school you will be welcomed by the alumni/ae office; however, you need to email or telephone the alumni/ae office ahead of time to make sure your name is listed at the door and that a name tag is prepared for you. There might also be a small fee to cover the expense of the event.

Codes + Conduct: Close-Ended Questions
Q When and how do you use close-ended questions?

A When you are looking for specific information. For instance, directions to a gas station.

Codes + Conduct: Club Etiquette: Becoming a New Member
Q How to write a thank-you for supporting my (successful) nomination for membership in a private club?

A In most private clubs, being nominated is a part of the process and you do not become a member until the board of governors or the membership committee votes on your nomination. Once you receive the official word that you have been voted in, either through a letter or a bill for your fees, then you can consider yourself a member. In many clubs the body of the members are stockholders or they have paid an admittance fee, and then there are subscribers. The subscribers are invited to renew their subscription every year until they are invited to purchase stock. Whether you are a new stockholder, member, or subscriber, you would write to the person who proposed you, as well as to all those who wrote supporting letters, thanking them for putting your name up for membership. Members like to know that new members appreciate what their club has to offer and that they will be taking advantage of the facilities. Try to be specific and say that you are looking forward to playing tennis followed by a nice swim. Or that you hope to hold your daughter's wedding at the club or entertain at business luncheons. The more you use the club, the more revenue is generated, which helps to keep the dues down, so be sure that she/he knows that you greatly appreciate the facilities of the club, as well as the camaraderie. It is also customary to invite those who have written letters on your behalf to lunch or dinner at the club in appreciation for their effort. Be sure to read the club's by-laws. However, there is one rule that might not be in there: do not visit the club until you have verification that your nomination has been approved. It is considered a huge faux pas to visit a club during the nominating process, so wait until you are notified that you are, in fact, a member.

Codes + Conduct: Club Etiquette: Reference Letter
Q To whom should I address a reference letter for a membership in a club? I am writing the letter to ""The Committee on Admissions."

A The best thing to do is to call up the club and ask to speak to someone who can tell you about membership admission. Ask the person to whom your letter of recommendation should be addressed. Usually the club Secretary is in charge of admissions, and the letter would be addressed to him or her in care of the club. A very large club would have an admissions committee that is chaired and in that case you would address the letter to the chairperson, and also send the letter to the club's address. When writing a letter of recommendation, it is always best to get the name of the person who will be conducting the friend's admission into the club and address the letter to him or her in care of the club.

Codes + Conduct: Congratulating Young Men
Q What do you give a young man on closing day of his play?

A A handshake and a heartfelt congratulations.

Codes + Conduct: Congratulations
Q What is the correct way to congratulate a newly expecting couple? I had heard that you congratulate the father but wish the mother best of luck. Is that correct?

A Nowadays, "congratulations" is the acceptable form acknowledging a new member of the family.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking a Lady Her Age
Q Hello, I have an etiquette question concerning age. I was raised in the South by a strict etiquette code which I am very thankful for. I now live in Columbia, Mo., where etiquette seems to have fallen by the wayside, so to speak. I am thirty-nine years old and am asked very frequently how old I am. It continues to shock me. I was always told that one should never ask a lady (in a social setting) her age or weight. Do you have any suggestions concerning how to handle this? Also, could you confirm that this kind of question is inappropriate? Thank you, Sian Mazet Holt

A It is never appropriate to put anyone on the spot, and that includes asking a man or woman his or her age. Nowadays, more and more, women in general are feeling more secure about going into the older years. Many are even so proud that they feel secure enough to answer, "I was born in 1953," and let the questioning person figure it out. These days the issue of asking a woman her age is less about manners and more about a woman feeling good about herself. I will often reply to that age old question with, "Why do you want to know?" When you answer a silly question with an honest question, the asker usually backs off in embarrassment.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking Someone's Age
Q Is it ever acceptable to ask someone's age (male or female?) thank you! suz

A It would depend. If you are seriously contemplating a committed relationship, you might ask because age just might matter, if there was a great difference and that difference might be an issue.

Codes + Conduct: Conversation Etiquette: Asking Women Their Age
Q Is it ever proper for a man to ask a woman's age? My pet peeve is on birthdays, I feel it is rude to ask a lady's age.

A It is not polite to ask a woman her age. If she wants people to know her age, she will tell them.

Codes + Conduct: Co-op Tipping
Q I would love to hear your thoughts about the "going rate" for tipping a New York city co-op staff, both at Christmastime and during the year, assuming they perform an out of the ordinary service. Our staff is very helpful, and most have been employees for a long time; however, since my husband and I are relatively new at this (we use the place about three days a week), I would appreciate your input. The building is an upper east side highrise, between Park and Lexington.

Many thanks

Carol Guthrie

A As you know, with real estate it is all about location, location, location. As all buildings in NYC are not the same, you would consult with a member of your co-op board about tipping. Usually, a list of the co-op's employees is sent to each owner a month or two before Christmas with the idea that the staff is given their Christmas bonus in time to buy gifts for their families. Even though you only use your co-op three days a week, your apartment is being "guarded" by the staff 24/7. Should there be, say, a flood from the apartment above while you are away, the staff would rescue values from harm's way and call you immediately. In situations such as this, it all evens out over time. For instance, if in the future your apartment needs extra attention, or your mail needs either to be forwarded or left in your apartment, you know it will be well taken care of. While you are away, one of the maintenance men might come in and clean or change the filters in your air conditioners and you might not realize that this service is being done, because you're not there when they clean them. More thoughts are these: in order to sustain a relationship of trust and cooperation with the staff, you will want to reward them once a year for their loyalty. Think of it this way, the staff is watching your back 24/7 because they know that if you are aware of this, you will reward them at Christmas. Obviously, some co-op members are more time consuming than others, for instance those with pets and children. It is assumed that new owners start off tipping conservatively until they get a better sense of all that the staff does behind the scenes, as well as the more obvious.

Codes + Conduct: Correct Way to Eat
Q What is the correct way of holding a knife and fork while cutting and then how to hold fork while transferring food to mouth after cutting?


A If you are right handed, you would stabilize the piece of meat with the bowl of your fork tongs pointed down. With your right hand you would gently saw off one or two bite size pieces of meat. You would then lay down your knife across the top of your plate and shift the fork into your right hand before taking a bite of the meat. If you need a pusher to nudge the meat gently on to the fork, you can use a bit of roll or bread or by using your knife in your left hand.

Codes + Conduct: Correct Way to Use Kinfe + Fork
Q I would like to know the correct way to use a knife and fork.

A If you are right-handed, then you would eat with your right hand. Between bites you would place the fork on the plate while you chewed your food or talked. You would not keep your fork in the air waving it like a flag. To cut your meat, you would shift the fork to the left hand, prongs down, you would gently stab the meat to keep it stable while you saw the meat with the knife in your right hand. Leave the knife on the plate and shift the fork back to right hand and gently stab the piece that was cut and put it in your mouth. If you need help putting food on to your fork, with fork in the right hand and pusher, either a knife or a piece of bread or toast, in your left hand and, again, gently push the food with the pusher onto the fork. Rest both the fork and the pusher on your plate while you chew the food.

Codes + Conduct: Country Club Formal Dinner
Q I am attending a very formal dinner at a country club and was told the ladies wear evening gowns. What do you suggest I wear? I have a long, black dress with spaghetti straps and loose rippled like neck or a long, dark blueish dress with a high waist and the top of the dress has a few clear sequins on it (not enough to make it look gaudy). What kind of shoes should I wear, open toe high heels? Should I use a scarf in case it is chilly? The event will be next Sunday in Roanoke, VA.

A In my opinion, what you wear depends upon your age, build and the formality of the event. For instance, if the party is a ball, then you would wear the modern equivalent of a ball gown, which is a long dressy evening gown. either of your two dresses that you are trying to decide between. However, a black tie formal dinner at a country club usually means a short dressy dress that falls just below the knees. I personally feel that long dresses make women over a certain age look dowdy and that most women look best in a shortish dress or dressy dinner skirt suit. If there is a standing cocktail hour and dancing, you will want to wear dressy, comfortable shoes, either open toed, sling back, or both. At this time of year, black satin would work with either dress and be comfortable. If the dinner is white tie, then wear the black dress, only because I am not sure about the sequins. There are sequins and there are sequins. If you know a woman your age who is attending, then ask her if she is wearing a long or short dress. Personally, if it is not a white tie party, I would wear a chic short dress and some of my best jewelry concentrating more on the quality of the dress and jewelry then whether the dress is short or long. Short is safer, but check with a club member or your hostess. I am sorry for the vague answer, but not knowing the facts it is hard to tell you what to wear to fit in. When attending another person's club, you would not overdress, unless the club was in a big city such as Houston or New York City. Let's put it this way, you don't want to be overdressed.

Codes + Conduct: Couples Signing Cards
Q What is the proper procedure when signing cards and letters? I am married. I write Geri and Bruce White. My husband insists it should be Bruce and Geri. Who is right? Thanks!

A You are both right. It depends upon the person to whom you are addressing the card. If the person is an old friend, relative, or colleague of your husband, you would write his name first. If it is a relationship through you, it would be signed "Geri and Bruce White." However, don't forget to put a line through "White" or put "White" in parenthesis if the person knows you well.

Codes + Conduct: Courtesy Call
Q What is a courtesy call?


A In business, a courtesy call might be a purveyor dropping by to wish the new owner success and to see if he can be of "assistance." For instance, sales people in department stores, who you have bought from in the past, will call from time to time to say they are having a special on this or that and it is a courtesy call to let the customer know. Nowadays, people don't make calls socially because we use the telephone, email and text messaging to communicate, so a courtesy call today would most likely be to a new neighbor to welcome them to the neighborhood, or to an infirm elderly person in a nursing home, or to a friend in the hospital. As a matter of consideration, it is best to call ahead to be sure the person you wish to see is up to the visit.

Codes + Conduct: Crossed-Eyed Conversations
Q What is the proper etiquette for eye contact when talking to a cross-eyed person?


A While talking to cross-eyed people, focus on their chin. They won't realize that you are looking at their chin and not their eyes, and you will be way more comfortable.

Codes + Conduct: Dating Etiquette
Q After you have agreed to meet someone, then they cancel, what is my obligation to reschedule?

A You are not obligated to reschedule. Obviously it would depend upon the situation: if it is the kind of date where you are checking someone out to see if he or she is a prospective lover, or if it is a business date. The old baseball adage three strikes and you're out is a good try.

Codes + Conduct: Dating Etiquette: Commited Relationships
Q What is the etiquette for a guy to ask a girl to be his girlfriend?
Ring?

A You don't need a ring to solidify a relationship. However, you do need a sign of commitment that says that you are both on the same page as to how you feel about each other. It is called "The Talk." You talk about wanting the relationship to go in the direction of being a "committed relationship." In a committed relationship the guy doesn't go out with other gals and she doesn't go out with other guys. You both agree that you are making a commitment to take the relationship to a higher and deeper level. If either the man or the woman isn't ready to be in a committed relationships, that means that person is still looking around for the perfect partner. If both agree to be in a committed relationship, it means that they are not interested in dating anyone else and that they mutually agree only to date each other. In other words, if you and your partner agree to be in a committed relationship, you would resign from such dating services as match.com. If the person is still showing his or her profile on a match.com type Web site, he or she is still looking for that perfect partner.

Codes + Conduct: Dealing with Ethnic Language
Q When one goes into an elevator and you find people of other ethnicity speaking in their language, is it rude of them not to talk in English among themselves because an English speaking person just got into the elevator?

A Nowadays, you will hear lots of different languages in elevators, restaurants, buses. Good manners are about compassion and consideration; they were having a conversation and you were the interloper.

Codes + Conduct: Dealing with Table Refuse
Q When dining at a restaurant and coffee is served without a saucer, where does a used spoon belong? Also if the sugar is in packets, where does one deposit the used packets? To complicate matters, when dining "al fresco", paper napkins on one's lap and refuse on the table can just blow away.

I'd like your advice on what to do with items like sugar packets and butter wrappers and the like. All the texts I find are for formal situations and do not mention how to handle this clutter.

A If their is no saucer or plate, leave the empty packets neatly on the side of the place setting. Often I will tuck the litter under the coffee mug or stuff the mug with the waste matter so that it does not blow away. I think it makes it difficult for the server to have to dig out the paper napkin and empty packets, but at least he doesn't have to pick up the litter from the floor. The butter wrapper can be tucked under the side of the plate and then placed on to the plate after you are through eating. The point that I am trying to make is that you would be tidy with your litter but also make it easy for the server not to forget to take the rubbish with the china.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Charity Balls
Q As guests of a first cousin at an international debutante ball wherein two of her daughters will be introduced to society, is it expected that my wife and I would give each of her daughters a gift of some kind, and if so, in what form and of what value?

A No, you are not required to give gifts to the debs, or your cousin, for inviting you and your wife to the International Ball. Being invited to a charity debutante ball is a social bid, best reciprocated by inviting your cousin to another social event, whether it is a charity event, or dinner in your home. As part of the cost of coming out at the ball, the debs' parents have to buy a table of twelve seats. You and your wife have been invited to fill two of those seats. Yes, of course, you can send a gift; however, you are not required to do so because the money is raised for a particular charity. If you choose to do so, you might send your first cousin flowers after the holiday thanking her for including you both. If, say, you were invited to one of the more exclusive debutante balls that you cannot buy your way into, then you would most definitely send flowers and a separate thank-you note.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Etiquette: Escort Gift
Q What is the proper gift for the male escort to give a debutante with flowers and what do you say on the card, Congratulations?

A You would not send a debutante flowers because debutante balls have a set formula for the flowers that she carries. So: all bouquets are usually ordered from the same florist ahead of time and the florist is under strict instructions from the committee. That way one debutante's flowers are not more grossly extravagant than the others. A gift is not expected; however, the escort is expected to write to the debutante's parents to thank them for the evening. Escorts do give gifts such as jewelry, but, to be quite honest, after the escort has rented his outfit and paid for their nightclub bill at the after-party, that is all that is expected. The escort will need cash because the after-parties can be expensive and the debutante understands this. The card, if the escort does decide to give her a piece of jewelry, would not say "Congratulations" because she has not accomplished anything such as a degree or promotion; she has merely stepped out into society because it is her birthright. Coming out at a debutante ball is not so much an accomplishment, as it is a stroke of luck.

Codes + Conduct: Debutante Protocol
Q I'm at a loss with this whole Debutante affair; where can I get help with the whole protocol of the events?

A What exactly do you need to know? As a mother of two recent debutantes, and a debutante myself, I consider myself somewhat of an authority. If you would like to email me directly telling me whether you are the parent, the debutante, the escort, or, say, a guest of the family, I would be happy to give you information on protocol and dress code, as well as how to become a part of a debutante ball.

Codes + Conduct: Declining an RSVP
Q How do I decline an rsvp?


A As soon as you know that you are unable to attend, you would pick up the telephone and tell the person that you are unable to attend. If there is a response card, then you would check "regrets," or "unable to attend." If there is no response card, telephone or cellphone number, or email address, then you would send a short message to the address on the envelope that carried your invitation. If the host is a close friend, you might write a short, handwritten, heartfelt note saying, something such as this, "Sadly, Henry and I will be away that weekend and unable to attend your splendid event. We hope to see you later in the summer."

For a formal invitation with no card, you would say (substituting your own information and centering the lines on your best and smallest social note paper or card):

Mr. William Randolph Shakespeare
regrets the kind invitation of
Saturday, August 10th

Codes + Conduct: Dietary Restrictions
Q Accepting or declining dinner invitation when you have dietary restrictions?


A At the top this page, click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Entertaining: Fussy Eaters, to read my answer to a similar question.

Be upfront with your host and briefly explain your dietary restrictions. Offer to eat before you arrive. Ask the host what he is serving and tell him which dishes you will be able to eat. A good host will make you feel comfortable and try to accomodate you with something to nibble on, if you meet him half way and eat at home first.

You will have to learn to live with these restrictions, so you need to work out a way to have a social life and stay well, too.

Codes + Conduct: Difference Between Etiquette + Manners
Q Are manners the same as etiquette and if not what's the difference?

A Manners are the application of etiquette. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. Manners are the way etiquette is carried out; for instance, holding the door open for people entering your health club behind you is considerate and compassionate and when they take the door from you there is a compromise.

Codes + Conduct: Dining Etiquette: Posture
Q When dining, either at home or in a restaurant, what is the proper etiquette for placing the food from the plate to the mouth. proper posture in chair...?

A Feet are flat on the floor. The backside is flat against the back of the chair and shoulders are pulled back. Never lean over towards the plate. Bring the food to your mouth, not your mouth to the plate.

Codes + Conduct: Dining with Crossed Legs
Q When and how do you cross your legs while dining?

A It is difficult for most to cross their legs under a dinner table and, if you were dining buffet style eating with the plate on your lap, your dinner might lap over on to your clothing if your legs were crossed. For most, it might be awkward to dine with legs crossed.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Partners With Bad Manners
Q I had a gentleman who sat next to me at a black tie event. The appetizer was smoked salmon slices. The gentleman proceeded to take his roll and make a sandwich out of the salmon. I believe this is incorrect. At a dinner party, when the smoked salmon is served in this manner, it should not be made into a sandwich. Am I correct? Thank you.

A Thank you for asking your question again. I am concerned that you did not get your answer after you asked it and that you had to ask it again. We are still working on the update of our the website and we appreciate your patience, but I did answer this question at least a week ago and I am concerned that you did not receive it.

My answer at that time was basically this: If the guy is hungry and needs to eat, cut him some slack. If he's been at a party with lots to drink and the canapés are scarce, he, no doubt, needs to eat. Etiquette is all about consideration, compassion and kindness. In my opinion, a guy or gal who eats, even if it is what is available, is at least safeguarding him or herself from getting any drunker than they want to be. Respect the guy; look at the big picture.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Plate Monogram
Q Dinner plate monogramming etiquette


A Monograms are hugely personal. You would need to ask the recipient how she/he would like the monogram. Traditionally, it is the first initials of the woman's given, married and maiden name, in that order, often with the first initial of the married name larger and in the center. Nowadays, some couples get very creative and intertwine the first initial of their given names with the first initial of the married last name. Monograms are one of those fun things that couples work out that represent their lifestyle.

Codes + Conduct: Dinner Table Sneezes
Q Is it considered rude and bad manners to blow one's nose at the table? It seems everywhere I go to eat, people blow their noses in the middle of the meal. It is the most disgusting thing you can do while eating.

A It is incredibly rude to blow one's nose at the table. However, cut your friends some slack because some sneezes are controllable and others cannot be stopped. A runaway sneeze happens as often as not.

Codes + Conduct: Disallowing Overnight Guests
Q My sister-in-law just moved in with my husband and me a week ago...my husband told her up-front that she is not to have male overnight houseguests; she just keeps asking me if her friend can stay overnight we keep telling her No! now she won't speak to either one of us in our home. What do we do?

A It was wise of you to set boundaries of behavior. However, if she is paying rent she might keep demanding that she be allowed to have guests stay over. If you have children, you can use the children in your reasoning by saying that she would not be a good role model for your children if she had men stay over. You have set your boundaries and you need to stick to them. At some point she might wear you down and then you might feel the need to compromise; do so by saying: Under one condition, he is not at the breakfast table in the morning. Or, he is gone before you and your husband get up. If the sister-in-law cannot respect your boundaries, you will have to ask her to find another place to live. The problem with letting up on the boundaries is that once you ease up and let men stay over, the next thing will be that she will be pushing them to stay over on weekdays. Or there will always be some lame excuse as to why he is in the bathroom when you're trying to get ready for work. Perhaps, the best solution is to tell her than when she has been dating the same man for, say, three months, then he can stay over. Explain that you just don't want her taken advantage of because she has a warm bed.

Codes + Conduct: Divorce Etiquette: Woman's Name
Q How to address a divorced lady with kids?

A When a women is divorced, she chooses the name that she wants to use. If she has children, she will usually use her children's last name. At her discretion, she can decide if she would like to use her given first name and her maiden last name with her current last name, or if she wishes, she may use the first initial of her given name and her full maiden name with her married last name. If her maiden name is, say, Charlotte Pratt Winslow, and her married last name is Smith, her divorced name might be Mrs. C. Winslow Smith, Mrs. C. W. Smith, Mrs. Charlotte P. W. Smith, Mrs. Charlotte Winslow Smith, or just Mrs. Charlotte Smith. She doesn't have to be called Mrs.; many women choose to be called Ms., whether they are married or divorced.

Codes + Conduct: Do Sympathy Cards Need to Be Thanked
Q Do sympathy cards need to be thanked?


A Yes, when people show compassion, it might be nice to thank them.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Address Suicide in a Condolence Letter
Q In a letter of condolence to a friend's parents, how should I address the friend's suicide?

A I do not think it is necessary to bring up your friend's suicide in a letter of condolence. Suicide is a difficult situation but it is not just about what has happened; it also involves deep emotion. Bringing up suicide might make the parents feel vulnerable; it might not be the appropriate way to get your feeling off your chest. It does not always make sense to discuss feelings. As the saying goes, sometimes it is gentler to let sleeping dogs lie. Unless, you are extremely skilled at discussing feelings, you might wait until time has passed to talk to them about "their suicide;" you might visit the parents after a period of time to discuss the death of their child, at which time you will be better able to judge by their body language if bringing up suicide is appropriate, or not. However, do write them a letter telling them a few good things they might want to remember about their child, say you would like to visit with them, and that you will call them in a few weeks.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Give Roses to Men
Q Is it the right thing to give men roses?

A My experience has been that most guys would find it an assault on their manliness to be sent flowers. So: it would depend upon the man.

Codes + Conduct: Do You Have to Answer the Phone
Q At home, when the telephone rings, must I answer it or is the call really an intrusion? I have a bet on this! Thank you!

A If you don't want to answer the phone, you don't have to answer it. There is no law or etiquette rule that says you have to pick up the phone when it rings. The exception might be in the office place or if you were employeed in a household where part of your responsibilities was to answer the phone.

Codes + Conduct: Does a Lady Clean Her Plate
Q Should a lady always leave something on her plate when eating out?

A Most of us were brought up under the threat that there were "starving children" all over the world, as an incentive to clean our plates in gratitude. You don't have to leave food on your plate, but you don't have to finish everything either. There are no rules carved in stone.

Codes + Conduct: Does Attorney Pay for Client's Lunch
Q Does the attorney buy lunch for the client or does the client buy lunch for the attorney when on a break from court, a meeting, whatever?

A If the client does not pick up the chit at the restaurant, then the attorney will charge the lunch to the client. Either way, the client pays. There is no free lunch.

Codes + Conduct: Does Owner Split Tips
Q Does a business owner split tips with an employee?

A No, all tips go to the people who work for you. The owner is not tipped.

Codes + Conduct: Dog Etiquette
Q Dear Ms. Lorillard,

I am a high school English teacher in San Antonio, Texas, and I am currently attending a writer's institute. Our assignment this week is to write an extensive piece on a topic of our choice in hopes of being published somewhere.

My topic is "Doggie Park Etiquette" and I would like to write a humorous essay on "the do's" and "the don'ts" of manners while at the dog park. (A new dog park recently opened here in San Antonio and I love to take my dog Gypsy.) While researching "etiquette" on the web, I came across your website.

My idea is to take five or six of your "Do's" and "Don'ts" and adapt them for use by pet owners at dog parks. I want it to be a fun look at "manners" for dogs and their dog owners. (Certainly, I would give you and your website full credit for using your particular "Do's" and "Don'ts.")

I would like to use the following "Do's" from your list:
1. Look people in the eye when you talk to them.
2. Thank everybody for everything they do for you.
3. Backtrack as soon as you realize your mistake and apologize.
4. Dance with anyone who asks you.
5. Welcome unexpected guests.
6. Be aware of other people's body language.
7. Keep your breath and body fresh.

I would like to use the following "Don'ts" from your list:
1. Don't point.
2. Don't scratch or rub any part of your body.
3. Don't bolt without notice.
4. Don't brown-nose superiors.
5. Don't be a tease.
6. Don't take a drink if you have food in your mouth.

Of course, the manners would be adapted in a fun way for dogs!

My husband is the editor of the website www.mysanantonio.com which is the website of the San Antonio Express-News. He has already agreed to post my essay on his pet page and I would be very happy to share my article with you prior to publication.

Thank you for your consideration of my request. (My deadline is fast approaching....)

Sincerely,
Pamela Howell
4435 Amanda's Cove
San Antonio, Texas 78247
(210) 557-8888
(I teach at Holmes High School. My school email address is pamelahowell@nisd.net and my home email address is pam@howellfamilytree.com.)



A I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but I've been on vacation. Since I don't track the time and date of questions, I don't know how long you have been waiting for an answer. No doubt, by now you have had to turn in your essay. It sounds quite amusing and I hope that you will send it to me for my website. I will, of course, give you full credit. You have my permission to use the Dos and Don'ts for your doggie essay. But remember that I would love to see it.

Codes + Conduct: Doggie Bags
Q What is your protocol on taking home leftovers after a meal in a nice restaurant? What if it is a meal with business associates? My husband does this all the time, often putting items such as the butter and rolls, in the take-home container. I think taking home food is only appropriate if you are at a very casual restaurant. Your opinion will be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Peggy Manley, Austin, TX

A In my opinion, it is very tacky to take home food from a restaurant. It used to be that steak houses would wrap up steak bones for a customer's dog. The gesture that started out with good intentions is now embarrassing for those of us at the table who think that asking for a "doggie bag" when it is clearly not for the doggie is a dog-gone tacky thing to do.

Codes + Conduct: Don't "Shush"
Q Is it proper to "Shush" someone in public?

A No, it is not proper to "shush" someone in public. Etiquette and manners are about being compassionate and considerate to others.

Codes + Conduct: Dr. + Mr.
Q I am a woman doctor but my husband isn't a doctor. Should I address letters with Mr. & Dr. Smith or Mr. and Mrs. Smith

A I don't understand why you would be addressing letters to yourself unless it was on a response envelope. You would use Dr. Amanda Whittaker and Mr. George Whittaker. The titled name would appear first.

Codes + Conduct: Dr. or MD
Q I am a physician. Which is the correct way to display my name? Dr.Leigh Roberts,MD or Leigh Roberts,MD?

A Whatever you decide it is either one or the other, Dr. Leigh Roberts or Leigh Roberts, MD. Dr. and MD are the same, so you would not use both on stationery or in the telephone book.

Codes + Conduct: Dress Codes: Gloves + Rings
Q Please forgive me if this is something I overlooked in reading through the page provided. I am curious as to what is appropriate in wearing gloves for any occasion<(wedding or funeral), as far as rings are concerned. I have seen rings worn under as well as outside of the gloved hand and wondered which was appropriate. Thank you.

A In my opinion, one would never wear a ring over a glove. It would be perceived by all as being incredibly tacky. The exception would be if you were going to a costume party dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Only then would you be considered chic. Marilyn Monroe could get away with it. You might not be so lucky.

Codes + Conduct: Drinking and Chewing
Q My mother was raised quite properly and taught me it was impolite to drink liquids while I still had food in my mouth. Is this still considered proper etiquette? Thank you.

A The theory back then was that it was unhealthy to wash down your food. It was considered proper to chew your food and not drink much with your meals because liquid fills you up and the food on your plate would go to waste. With your mother it sounds as if it was about pacing the meal, which, of course, is what one does in polite company. Taking a bite, putting your fork down on your plate, savoring and chewing your food before swallowing it. Indeed, that was the way polite society ate to distinguish itself from those who did not dine because they chowed down.

Codes + Conduct: Drinking Beer From a Bottle
Q Is it impolite to drink beer from the bottle at a restaurant table?

A It would depend upon the restaurant. If the tables are covered with white table cloths and the servers look buttoned up and spiffy, you would be served a cold glass with your beer. Otherwise, drink your beer out of the bottle because it will stay colder longer; it even makes you look cooler.

Codes + Conduct: Drop-In Party Gift
Q At a "drop-in" party, are you supposed to give the hostess a gift?

A No.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Chops With Your Fingers
Q Can pork chops be eaten with your fingers as long as they are pork chops with a bone?

A In the privacy of your home, use your fingers but remember to use one hand only because the chop is not that heavy. In a nice restaurant or at a dinner party, you might use your knife and fork, but take your lead from your host or hostess.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Lamb Off the Bone
Q When dining at a fine restuarant, when eating lamb is it improper after cutting way most of the meat to pick up the bone to eat a little more with your hands? Lamb is the only food I've done this with.

A It would depend upon the restaurant, who you are with, and how you nibble on the lamb bone. If you are the hostess and can do it in a delicate manner, then by all means nibble away. On the other hand, if you are being scrutinized by a possible employer or your fiance's mother and grandmother, you might want to refrain from nibbling.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Rack of Lamb
Q "Eating rack of lamb" etiquette

A Use your fork to stabilize the rack, with a steak knife separate the chops, if they are still connected, and trim the gristle and fat from the meat. Then cut the pink meat away from the rib and divide into small bits. Look around to see if others are picking up their chops, too, and nibble the rest of the meat off the bone. In a very fancy restaurant, you would probably not pick it up with your hands, whereas at home or in a more casual restaurant you might pick up the bone with one hand and nibble the rest of the meat off with your teeth. Don't lick your fingers. It is far better to dip the tip of your cloth napkin into your water glass to wipe your fingers, if the moisture from the rack of doesn't come off with simple wiping.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Rack of Lamb with Your Fingers
Q Is it proper to eat rack of lamb with your hands?

A Rack of lamb is the perfect food to eat with your fingers because you have that nice little bone to hold on to while you're nibbling on the lamb. Remember, it is not heavy so don't use both hands and, even if your dying to, don't lick your fingers. That's the trade-off.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Ribs
Q What is the correct way to eat ribs in a restaurant?

A It is socially acceptable to eat ribs with your hands. As they are not heavy, try to use only one hand and never lick your fingers, no matter how yummy they are.

Codes + Conduct: Eating Salad with Knife + Fork
Q Growing up, I was told never to use a knife when eating salads. I was told to use only a fork. This rule supposedly had its origins in the pre-stainless steel days when knife blades would be stained by salad dressing, and old-fashioned salad forks would often have one thicker tine that could be used for cutting. I was told that this was a very strict rule - that even employers (particularly in England) would watch me eat a salad during interview lunches and determine whether I was well-brought up. It seems to me that almost no one follows this rule. Salads today are often served with huge, barely-torn lettuce leaves and everyone seems to start by cutting their salad with a knife and fork. I toil away in silence trying to cut the lettuce with my fork, and probably look very rude indeed when I end up stuffing large lettuce leaves into my mouth. Is this rule just an anachronism that should be disregarded?

A We can blame it on iceberg lettuce. In the fiftes when everybody was eating iceberg lettuce with Russian dressing, knives were needed to cut through the tight, dense leaves. Unfortunately, the baby boomers and now the boomers think they are supposed to use knives to cut their endive, radicchio, and frisee. The rule is: never use a knife or a spoon when a fork will suffice. Nowadays, we don't really need a knife to eat the three M's, mache, mesclun and microgreens; however, old habits die hard.

Codes + Conduct: Eating with Long White Gloves
Q What is proper etiquette for gloves at a formal dinner? When do you take them off and put them back on?

A I am assuming you are asking about the long white kid gloves one would wear to a fancy dress ball or a wedding; if so, you need not take off the gloves at all. To eat, you would unbutton the buttons and neatly fold back the glove fingers under the material on the opposite side of the glove. When you are through eating, you would put your fingers back into the glove and button the buttons.

Codes + Conduct: Eating with Long White Gloves
Q When wearing long gloves to a black-tie event, do you remove them to eat or not at all?

A You can take them off if you want to, but a true lady knows how to eat with her long gloves on. After being seated, she unbottons her gloves and pulls the gloves fingers so that her hand comes through the wrist of the glove. She then folds the hand part of the glove neatly under her wrist.

Codes + Conduct: Elbows Off the Table
Q Who said "no elbows on the table"? Who made up this rule of etiquette ?

A There is no rule carved in stone. No Moses who preached, "Elbows off the table." No elbows on the table is common sense. If, say, a family is seated at the dinner table and everyone has both of their elbows on the table, the table gets pretty crowded, milk glasses tip over, forks tumble off of dinner plates on to the floor leaving a stain on the tablecloth, and suddenly the table is a mess. So: how do you choose who puts their elbows on the table when? Let's see, "Johnny, it is your turn to put your elbows on the table. You have ten minutes and then it is Sally's turn." You wouldn't take turns putting your elbows on the table because it makes more sense to focus the conversation on the events of the day and what's happening tomorrow than bicker about whose turn it is to put elbows on the table. Table manners have evoloved since the days of the cavemen, who probaly didn't even eat at a table; once tables and dinnerware came into place, codes of conduct followed suit.

Codes + Conduct: Elbows on the Table
Q Why is it considered bad manners to put your elbows on the dinner table?

A For a start, elbows look ghastly resting on the table. If you need to prop your head up with your arms, it is time for you to go to bed. What would it look like if everyone put their elbows on the table? The table would look pretty crowded with, let's say, eight elbows, china, glassware, silverware, bread and butter, salt and pepper, water bottle, wine bottle, candles, flowers. So why should one person be allowed to put their elbows on the table, if the rest of us can't? It's sloppy behavior. Manners are based on consideration for others.

Codes + Conduct: Email Christmas Cards
Q One of my closest friends sent me and everyone else a Christmas card via email. I thought that it was very impersonal and tacky since I sent her and her family a Christmas card through the mail. Am I correct to feel the way I do??

A There are two sides to this issue. Email Christmas cards cut down on the amount of trees that have to be cut down in order to supply the paper for all those cards and envelopes. The old fashioned snail mail card will always be the best but people live very busy lives and email is so much a part of how we communicate, whether we like it or not, that I don't think we can stop the flood of email Christmas cards that we should expect in the future. The big problem is that often after I've downloaded the card, I can't read it because it is a mish mash of numbers and letters that are meaningless because my computer could not translate that program. So, often I don't get the email card that was mailed.

Codes + Conduct: E-Mail Thank-You Notes
Q Are email thank-you notes OK?

A If someone has gone to the trouble of shopping, wrapping, and sending you a gift, then don't they deserve a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note? Whether you like the gift or not, the person has spent a lot of time on you. He or she has gone to the store, spent their hard-earned money, wrapped the package, and waited in line at the post office to send you a gift. An exception would be if the person sent you an email thank-you note first for the gift you gave them. The exception would be a very good friend or close family members when you've exchanged gifts and want to reiterate either by phone or through email that you appreciate the gift. I know that this sounds old-fashioned, but if someone has spent a lot of time on you, you would want to acknowledge that by responding in kind.

Codes + Conduct: Engraved Envelopes: Return Address
Q What is the formal way to engrave envelopes with the return address?
Do you print the name with the address or just the address?

A Just the address is engraved or printed on the back of the envelope.

Codes + Conduct: Engraved Initials
Q When engraving initials that are of the same size, does the family initial go in the middle or at the end? Example: Mary Claire Harrington - would that be MCH or MHC?

A When the initials are the same size, the last name first initial would go at the end. In this case the monogram would be MCH.

Codes + Conduct: Engraving a Cake Server
Q How should an engraved cake server read?

A Nowadays the trend in engraving for newlyweds is to engrave only the first initial of their last name. So: it would depend upon who the cake server is for. If a wedding couple have registered silver, which one can find by going to the wedding channel on the internet, that kind of information will be registered also. If that does not work, ask the person to whom you are having the server engraved because everyone has a personal preference about such things. I once gave a dear friend monogrammed towels, which she had asked for, in the traditional monogram and she was annoyed because she had decided on a less conventional monogram; now she is still stuck with those towels and the fact that I was inconsiderate not to have asked first. Don't second guess on engraving, even though a contemporary cake server calls for a contemporary engraving and an antique cake server calls for an old-fashioned engraving.

Codes + Conduct: Enscribing Books
Q What is the proper way to inscribe a book (hard cover and soft cover) especially if the author has already signed his name on the fly leaf?


A If you are the author, you would sign the title page. If you are not the author, you would inscribe the first page after the front cover. As layouts vary among publishers, authors and gift givers usually sign the first page---it may be a title page---with substantial white space.

Codes + Conduct: Entering + Exiting Etiquette
Q Is there a rule regarding right-of-way when one person is entering a building and one person is exiting the building (via the same door)?

A It is always courteous to allow the person exiting to leave before the person entering; however, there are two exceptions: if it is a man who is exiting and a woman who is entering, the man would wait for the woman to enter; and if it is freezing cold, snowing or pouring rain, the person exiting would signal for the person entering to come through, perhaps by holding the door open for him or her.

Codes + Conduct: Entering a Room Who Speaks First
Q When a person walks into a room with people in the room, who should say hello first? The person who walks into the room or the people already in the room?

A The person entering the room announces her/his arrival with a salutation.

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Briefcase at the Table
Q Should one bring a folder/briefcase to the dining table? Yes or no?

A In my opinion, you would not bring a folder, briefcase, laptop, or any reading material to the dining table. Why? Because dining is an opportunity to communicate orally. Also, dietitians say that being distracted from what you are eating insures that the diner will eat more than he or she needs, which could lead to indigestion. Set boundaries of behavior at your dinner table: no TV, no reading, no laptop, no cellphone. Most important, dining is one of the few chances that we get today to interact face-to-face. Focus your conversation on news globally as well as on your school and community. Although it is not the place necessarily to resolve family problems, it can be a venue in which to bond family members through positive feedback. How was your day? What was best about your day? Did anything interesting, funny, or unusual happen today? What did you learn today that surprised you?

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Cocktail Buffet
Q We have invited many friends and family to an " open house" party for their 50th wedding anniversary and have heard from someone that a half hour is polite and not much longer.
We had anticipated as many as possible to stay for the whole party.
What is correct?
Thank you
Duane


A An "Open House" is a "Walk Through," a "Cattle Call." If you don't have little tables for people to sit and eat at and lots to eat, people will not stay for very long. If you make it a "Cocktail Buffet," with lots of food and small buffet plates on which to put the food, dessert, and coffee, people will stay as long as the hot food is being served. Why not rent small tables that seat four people, along with the chairs, and cover the tables with cheerful tablecloths and a small flower arrangement. That way people will feel that they are welcome to relax, sit down, eat from the buffet, and linger in conversation with friends.

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Dress Code: Men: Taking Off Your Jacket
Q Can one remove his coat while at the table?

A Presumably, you would have left your coat in the checkroom or near the entrance way. If the host has taken off his jacket, then you can take off your jacket. If the host has not taken off his jacket and you are uncomfortable, then you can ask your host or hostess if he or she wouldn't mind if you took off your jacket. If you are the host, you can set the lead by taking off your jacket and encouraging the other men to take their jackets off, too.

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Family Seating
Q When seating a large family for Thanksgiving dinner..where do the parents sit...my son usually sits at the head of the table...to his left his mother-in-law - to his right his wife...next to his mother-in-law sits his father-in law and he likes to sit next to one of his other daughters. Then I sit next to her and her boyfriend on my other side...I don't know him at all. My other son and his wife sit next to my daughter-in-law and my daughter and her husband sit at the far end of the table with another one of my daughter-in-laws sisters and her husband. Since I am the matriarchal woman in the family, I feel I should sit to the left of my son - not his mother-in-law.

A The person who sits on your right is the guest of honor. As you are the matriarch, the guest of honor is at your discretion. Customarily husbands and wives are never seated side by side because they spend so much time together. One of the points of these family dinners is to encourage family members who don't know each other particularly well to get to know one another better. Another thing you might want to be thinking about is connecting those family members by seating them side by side. For instance, if there is a young adult applying to college or graduate school, it makes sense to seat that young person with someone he or she can talk to about his or her education and future. Or if a guest is looking for a job, you might seat him or her next to a family member who is well connected. The purpose is to integrate the various families within the family. The exception would be if someone had a new boyfriend or girlfriend who might feel more comfortable seated next to his or her partner than seated between two strangers. So to start, your son would be seated at one end of the table and his wife would be seated at the opposite end. You and your son's mother-in-law would alternate from year to year being seated on his right, the other would be seated to his left. Traditionally, the eldest mother would be the guest of honor, but these days most women don't want it pointed out that they are the eldest, so it is best to alternate. Another exception would be if he had a son and the son were engaged, then your son would be seated between the eldest woman and the newest female member of the family. When possible, siblings and couples are not seated together. Remember that the male guest of honor is seated to the right of the hostess with the second guest of honor seated on his left; the female guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the second guest of honor is seated to his left.

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Hands
Q Where do I put my hands during a meal?

A In my opinion, when you are listening and not talking or eating, your hands would rest in your lap anchoring your napkin. You would not rest your folded arms or elbows on the table until the last course has been cleared and you are just drinking coffee and/or after dinner drinks and talking.

Codes + Conduct: Entertaining: Seating Twelve
Q If I have 12 people over for dinner, would it be better to sit at one large, rectangular table or 3 tables that seat 4?

A Definitely use one large, rectangular table because at a dinner party that might linger, small tables of four might be deadly. For instance, if two out of the three tables are having a jolly good time but the third table is talked out, four people will walk away wishing they had never been invited. Also, if the host is at one table and the hostess at another, the third table without either will feel less special. If you must use three, why not have the men switch tables for the dessert course? You would end your toast by asking the gentlemen to rise, pick up their glasses and napkins, and move to the table to their left. Two tables of six would be good, as long as you don't have spouses at the same table. If two tables of six are not an option, twelve are best seated at a round or oblong table because you don't want women directly across from women and men directly across from men. That kind of intense eye-lock can make some gues