Frequently Asked Questions
Dilemmas: A Husband's Best Friends From Hell
Q My new husband has two dreadful best friends, a married couple, who he has known way too long. The woman, especially, absolutely drives me crazy. My husband, however, adores them. I can barely stand to have dinner with them but now they have asked us to their country house for the weekend. My husband loves to visit the Hamptons where he has many business as well as childhood friends. My problem is that I don't think I can keep my cool, if I have to be with this couple 24/7 for a long weekend. What should I do, Didi.
A I understand that you want to be a good sport and please your husband but you need to set some boundaries. Tell him you will go along with this one long weekend but no more than one weekend a year is all you will agree to spending with this couple. Encourage him to have lunch with the best friends on his own. In any new marriage, boundaries need to be established and the sooner you set this one the better. When he insists on seeing this couple, suggest a busy restaurant where you know you will be in and out in a short period of time. That's your compromise. Take a best selling novel or mystery on the long weekend and immerse yourself in it. Unfortunately, where marriage is concerned, love me love my friends is the code of conduct. Good etiquette is all about compassion and consideration.
Dilemmas: Accepting Free Drinks
Q A group of us were having a girls' night out and stopped in at a bar to have a drink after the movies. As we were about to leave, another round of drinks arrived gratis from a couple of men we didn't know. Since we accepted the free drinks, which we had not ordered, were we under any obligation to talk to these men?
A From your question I couldn't tell whether or not you thought the guys were worth your time. You and your friends were under no obligation whatsoever to talk to the guys who sent over free drinks. A message through the bartender or waiter thanking the guys for the drinks was all you had to do. It's customary for the bartender or server to ask the recipients of the free drinks if, in fact, they would like a free drink by saying something like this, "Those gentlemen at the end of the bar would like to buy you ladies a drink." You either say "No, thank you, please tell them we are leaving," or "Yes, please ask them to come and join us." Whether you are given a choice or not, you are under no obligation to talk to them except to wave them a thanks on your way out the door. When men send women they don't know free drinks, they are taking a risk in the hope of the outside chance that they will "get lucky."
Dilemmas: Clean Out the Lint Trap
Q What is the proper etiquette for addressing the issue of tenants leaving their lint in the lint trap of our community clothes dryer? I would like to put up a note that will be more effective, rather than condescending.
A By all means, put up a note with your own wording: Attention Fellow Tenants: Please be considerate and remember to clean your lint out of the lint trap because nobody wants to deal with someone else's lint. We would greatly appreciate your cooperation.
Dilemmas: Co-worker Does Not Bathe
Q What should you say to a fellow employee who does not bathe often enough? He is very sensitive.
A There are people whose own noses do not pick up on their own bad odor. Hygiene is just not important because they cannot smell when they smell bad. We pick up our grooming and hygiene habits from our parents, and it is difficult to break those life long habits. If you are a guy and he is a guy, you might say something such as this, "Dude, you need to change your dry cleaner." If you can get the person questioning his body odor, that is a start. If he is super sensitive, then he probably is trying and it might not be his fault. Also, as we grow older, our bodies no longer produce pheromones, which means we can become less sensitive to our own odor. If you think that this problem is really just about the fact that he does not bathe enough, try to make a joke out of it. If you are good friends, you should be able to ask about, say, what soap, body wash or deodorant the person uses. I tried that once and my friend said that her boyfriend didn't have a good sense of smell and didn't notice, so she didn't care. It is hard to help people when they don't think that they need help.
Dilemmas: Forgetting the RSVP on the Invitation
Q I am having a surprise party for my husband, finished sealing all of the invitations, and realized that I did not put a respond by date with the phone number. What do I do?
A It would depend upon how many invitations and how well you know all the people. If there are not too many invitations and you know most of them well, you might send the envelopes as is and follow up each and every invitation with a telephone call asking the invitees if they can attend. You can cover your tracks by saying that because it is a surprise party, you did not have an RSVP because you did not want your husband to hear any voice mails or answer any telephone calls that would give away the surprise. Actually, your silly mistake works in your favor because you might get an accurate count of guests sooner which will help you in planning your menu earlier.
Alternatively, you might open all the envelopes very carefully by slitting open the top, write in the information, and seal the envelope with a fine strip of the invisible Scotch tape.
Dilemmas: Girlie-Man Politician
Q A friend of the family is running for a national political office. Recently his wife asked me to help her gather a group of women together to sit down and talk to him because, even though the polls show him ahead of his opponent, he doesn't get the women vote. I've known this guy forever, see him all the time, volunteered in his last campaign and have donated money, but he never remembers my name. How can I tell his wife that her husband doesn't appeal to women because he has a girlie-man image. I don't mean gay. He just does not let women on to his radar screen. How do I help his campaign without insulting him?
A Wow, that is a tough dilemma. It depends upon on how much you care about his winning and your continued family connection. It sounds like you must know someone close to him that you can confide in. If you care about his winning, talk to this person, but don't make it a big deal. Just say, "The reason our mutual friend does not get the women's vote is because..... Otherwise, you need to talk to his wife and tell her exactly how you feel without being personal. After all, she opened the door to the conversation when she asked you to help her gather a group together to talk to him.
Dilemmas: Making-Out with the Hostess
Q I think I may have made a serious faux pas, but I'm just not sure. Being new in town, I was invited to a party (a very glamorious one I might add). I was introduced to the host and hostess. The hostess was quite attractive and we made definite eye contact. This is where it gets tricky. The host turned away for a moment, and I (without thinking) put my arm around the hostess, and gently escorted her out the french doors and into the garden. Well, I won't go into details becasuse I'm sure you have heard it all, but I will say it was INCREDIBLY passionate!! We returned to the party and our indiscretion 'seemed' to have gone unnoticed, but one never knows! My question is: Will I be invited back?
A Sorry, I do not understand the question. Will you be invited back to another party at their house? Why not write a thank-you note to the host and hostess and tell them how much you enjoyed yourself at their party and see what happens.
Dilemmas: Misbehaving
Q If a "friend" with whom you're having a tiff approaches you in an adversarial manner in the middle of the dance floor in the middle of a party at a mutual friend's house, what do you do?
A Take it outside, or into a room where you can be private. Leave the dance floor and take him outside the way you would need to take a child that had crossed boundaries out of an overstimulated environment. Tell the person that you don't want to be rude to your hosts, Judy and Jim, and that you want to call a truce. Tell him that whatever is wrong between you and him has absolutely nothing to do with the host and hostess and that you both need to put aside your differences as long as you are guests. If he wants to go someplace else to discuss it, tell him you'll telephone him to set up a time. Try to shake hands and leave him while agreeing that "We shouldn't be spoiling the party." "Let's not make a scene." "Let's not make a spectacle of ourselves." And finally, "We shouldn't be ruining the Brown's party; it's really rude of us."
Don't assassinate his character, don't criticize him, do talk about behavior and rudeness. Make him look at the situation from a third person's point of view, not yours. Tell him that this is not the place or time to settle grievances but that you might discuss it with him at another time. Tell him you need to get back to your partner (or date) because you don't want to be rude to her, too. Use etiquette and manners to your advantage.
Dilemmas: Noisy Neighbors
Q Is there anything I can do about noisy neighbors in an apartment? They squeak and bang the bed and moan loudly for 30-60 minutes every night in the middle of the night (anywhere between 2 and 5 am) and it's impossible to sleep through the noise! Is there any way to resolve an issue like this?
A You can talk to them directly or write them note. Tell them that you cannot sleep and ask them if they would please put a pile rug under their bed to cushion the sounds. In a perfect world, they would comply with your request but if they don't, the only thing you might be able to do is to move your bed to another room. It is not the answer you want to hear, but the fault is really in the structure of the building. My best advice is to befriend the noisy neighbors in the hope that they will show compassion and either buy a pile rug or move their bed to a different room.
Dilemmas: Obnoxious Newcomer
Q As a member of a weekly book group, I've really enjoyed having the camaraderie of other women in our relatively small town, especially because we meet for the sole purpose of discussing books and exchanging ideas about how they relate to our own lives. We take great pride in agreeing on which books we choose and being a good sport if it is not a book we personally want to read. We've become a bit like the Ya Ya Sisters until recently when one of the members convinced us that inviting her new neighbor into our book group would be the welcoming thing to do. Well, in fact, this new member is a Ya Ya Sister from hell. None of us can stand her. Every time she opens her mouth, we cringe at the pompous, supercilious things she says. She is a big know-it-all who contradicts and interrupts and never lets anyone else express an opinion. What is the proper etiquette for getting rid of her after having been so welcoming?
A In any group of people who assemble, there is need for structure and boundaries. It would have been the responsibility of her neighbor who brought her in to explain the conduct code of the meetings. If the majority of your Ya Ya Sisters don't like the newcomer but don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel as if she is the victim of snobbery, why not disband the group for the time being. You can always start it up at another time and conveniently forget to tell her.
Dilemmas: Pick Up After Your Dog
Q I live in the heart of Newport and have small gardens around my house, which I take great pains to keep up because I am proud of my neighborhood; however, some of my neighbors let their dogs out at night as if they were in the country and their dogs ruin my garden beds with their number one and number two. Aside from building a high fence around my property, is there any way I can get it across to my neighbors that they can't just open their backdoors and let their dogs make messes everywhere?
A As a gardner myself, you have my sympathy. I am afraid the best you can do, aside from going to the expense of constantly buying costly products at your hardware store designed to repel animals from wanting to come on to your property, is to petition your town to post "Pick Up After Your Dog: It's the Law" signs. But before you do that, you will have to get a member of the town council to propose a "pooper scooper law," making not picking up after your dog against the law and therefore liable for a fine. The answer is to make people sensitive to the problem by establishing boundaries of behavior, even for dogs.
Dilemmas: Pot Smoking Neighbors
Q Our family lives in a small town where the houses are very close together. Our neighbor rents out his house to college students during the school year and these kids smoke a lot of pot which drifts through open windows. It's not that we're prudes, we were their age once, too; however, we have school age children who know what's going on. My husband and I are afraid that if we don't address the illegal situation, we will be giving a mixed message to our kids. We do not wish to get the students in trouble with the law. Please give us advice as to how to handle this politely?
A Write an anonymous letter addressed to the tenants saying, "Attention residents: This is your one and only warning: If you do not stop smoking pot, there will be serious consequences." Don't even bother to sign it but do be sure that you tape the notice to their front door for all the tenants to read. If that fails, telephone the dean of students to complain giving just the address of the house.
Dilemmas: Receiving a Condolence When Huband Is Still Alive
Q I received a condolence card from a friend in the mail. She thinks that my husbandd, who is going through chemotherapy, is dead! Yikes. What do I do? Should I call her or write her? He is very much alive. I don't want to embarrass her, but I think she needs to know!
A Pick up the phone and tell your friend that you are calling with good news. Say, "I don't know where you heard that my husband was dead, but, happily, he is alive and well. I am calling you to thank you for your friendship and for thinking about me----and to let you know the good news."
The reason you need to pick up the phone and set the friend straight is because there is obviously a rumor going around that he is dead; so: you need to nip that rumor in the bud before your husband, or one of his cronies, gets wind of the rumor.
Dilemmas: Responding to Rudeness
Q Recently my wife of fifteen years joined the only AA meeting group in our small rural town. At a meeting yesterday, an older gentleman approached her and said, "Do you believe in love at first-sight?" My wife was not flattered but did not want to be rude. What should she have said?
A Say,"The first time I saw my husband fifteen years ago, he said exactly the same thing. We're raising three wonderful children and have a happy marriage." Perhaps, the next time your wife gets up to speak at her AA meeting, she can tell the audience how much she loves her husband and how grateful she is for his support. That way everyone will know that your wife is clearly unavailable.
Dilemmas: Secret Languages Between Couples
Q Would you please explain why it is rude for two HEARING people to use sign language in a room full of HEARING people? There are no deaf people present. Neither of the people signing are deaf nor is any one else in the room. Thank you!!! We are having a hard time explaining WHY to my brother and his girlfriend who insist it is not rude and continue to offend family members at every family get together. Sadly to say, it is actually causing issues.
A If the rest of the family does not sign, your brother and his girlfriend are in deed behaving rudely. It would be similar if they were whispering to one another all the time at family get-togethers, which is exactly what they are doing by using a lauguage no one else can read. Perhaps your brother is trying to keep connected to his girlfriend because he thinks she feels left out. However, don't humiliate him in front of his girlfriend. In private tell him how weird it looks to the rest of the family. Then encourage family members to pay more attention to the girl- friend.
Dilemmas: Sending Sick Children to Daycare
Q A parent of a child who attends my son's daycare was bragging to me that she sends him to school sick on purpose and doesn't care if the other children get sick from him. She also told me that when they call her to pick him when he's sick, she refuses to do so. I have kept home my son five times in the last month with pink eye, stomach flu, and fever, and I believe it's tied to her behavior. Should I tell the director at the center? Or just let it work itself out? Thank you!
A You might write a note to the director and ask her if she would clarify the daycare's position on the issue in a letter to the parents and caregivers of all the children. You might suggest that at pick-up time, a member of the daycare staff needs to tell the person who picks up the sick child that for the safety of all the children, the child cannot come back to daycare until he is well. If the daycare people are not responsive, why not say something to the mother such as, "What's up with sending your son to daycare when he's sick when the rest of us keep our kids home so your son doesn't get sick?" Just asking her the question might make her think about the consequences of her bad behavior.
Dilemmas: Two Family Weddings in One Month
Q My son got engaged to a wonderful girl in August 2005. They have been dating on and off for six years. They immediately set a date for November 18, 2006. My sister's daughter started dating a boy in June 2005. They got engaged on February 14th and have planned a wedding three weeks before my son. Do I have a right to be livid?
A You must be livid. I understand how upset you must be; however, let's figure out how you can solve the problem sweetly. If you sit down with your sister and talk to her, sister to sister, you can make this work so that everyone is happy. First off, three weeks difference isn't that close and only half of your guests will be invited to both weddings. Still, two weddings in one family might put a strain on everyone's budget, especially those who have to buy shower and wedding presents. Those gifts might well be watered down, so: if it is important to establish these two couples in new households, you need to discuss this aspect with your sister and her daughter because people cannot be expected to give generously to two weddings in such a short period of time.
Weddings are about bringing families together and introducing the extending families, you and your sister are going to have to be good role models and talk this situation out and then convince your niece that it is in her best interest, present wise, to either move her wedding up or move it to after your son's wedding. You need to get going on this now because you don't want any chitty-chat about this outside the family, you need to solve this problem now. Neither marriages should be marred by bad karma and negative vibes. Family members should not be put in the position of having to take sides as to who is right and who is wrong. You and your sister need to resolve this problem quietly and quickly.
Dilemmas: What to Say When Dad of Bride Just Died
Q I will be attending a wedding on Saturday where the bride's father passed away just yesterday, six days before the wedding. How do I address both the happiness of the wedding and the sadness of the bride's father's death when I attend the wedding?
A You might say something such as this: your dad would be so proud of you. I am sorry for your loss but happy for your marriage.
Dilemmas: Will I marry?
Q Will I ever get married?
A You will get married when you are ready for marriage. One day you will wake up and know that your are ready. No fortuneteller can predict your future. Your future is up to you.
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