Frequently Asked Questions
E-World Etiquette: Answering Phones: SIP (Self Important People)
Q When friends come for dinner, guests' phones inevitably chime, toot, or beep and he or she will answer it at the table, which is really annoying because it breaks the flow of the conversation. Besides, the rest of my guests all have to sit there listening while pretending not to be listenting. Next time I have a dinner party, is there a way that I can ask guests to turn off their phones without seeming stuffy? I find the behavior unacceptable but they treat their phones as a natural extension of their hands.
A Disarming guests of their phones is no easy feat. You have to make them switch the channel in their brain. You can do this by making them feel as if they are victims of their phones and not so self important that they cannot go through a dinner party without letting everybody know how important they are. Next time, greet your guests warmly saying something like this: "I can see that you're stressed and need a relaxed evening away from those bullies at work. Why not go into the other room and check your mail one last time before turning it off for the evening so that you can enjoy yourself for a while?" You might even see a sigh of relief. It is as if they have to compete if others are answering their calls, but they're off the hook when everybody's Blackberry is off.
E-World Etiquette: Blackberrying at Dinner Party
Q Last night I was seated to the right of a man a bit older than me who is a big shot lawyer at a dinner table that seated sixteen of us. During the five course meal paired with four different wines and a champagne, my dinner partner couldn't take his hand off of his Blackberry. After each course he checked for messages. It was so obvious to everyone around him that he was overdoing it, but his wife said nothing. At one point he apologized and I said something like this, "Well, I guess it is all right if you keep your Blackberry in your lap." He tried that for the rest of the evening but because he is relatively tall, he had to hunch over to use it making him look even more obvious. How would you have handled the situation?
A I understand that you were annoyed. I am surprised that you weren't more insulted. It was disrespectful of the lawyer to keep checking for updates. Here we thought that people finally understood the netiquette about using a cellphone at the dinner table when texting came along to give us a quieter excuse for communicating with those not in the room. I suppose I would say, "Seems as if you have some sort of an emergency going on." A-types are always in crisis mode, but that doesn't excuse them. If you were the hostess, you might have reminded that guest that for the sake of the other guests, you would rather that he turn off his phone out of respect. It is the old scenario of: What if everyone monitored their email and texted during dinner? That would be a sorry site. As the guest, you really were not in a position to tell another guest how to behave, except to do what you did: which was to ask him to be more discreet. It was not only insulting behavior towards you, his dinner partner, but to the person on his left, as well as to the rest of the guests and the host/hostess. When dinner is announced, whether by a staff member or by the host/hostess, that is the time to remind guests to please leave their gadgets in the living room while having dinner, if they cannot turn them off completely. Eventually, people will get the message, but it will be up to the hosts and hostesses to enforce the code.
E-World Etiquette: Blackberrying in Meetings
Q I just came from a meeting of twenty people around a board room table. The leader led the meeting asking us for our full attention for one hour once a month. My very sophisticated friend, who was seated next to me, used her Blackberry texting during the whole meeting. Later she told me that she was checking her Facebook. Leaving the meeting, when nobody was around, I told my friend that I thought when a leader says to devote full attention for this one hour is means just that and that I felt she shouldn't have been visibly on her Blackberry during the meeting. I told her that it was analogous to when we first started using cellphones and let them ring during meetings. I said that I thought that the netiquette dictates that you don't use cellphones or Blackberries during meetings. What do you think? Was I wrong to criticize my friend? My friend was the only person who used her Blackberry and no cellphones beeped during that meeting.
A As you no doubt know, any criticism can be destructive to a relationship. Using the analogy was a good way to show your friend that netiquette has developed and that Blackberry use follows suit with cellphone usage. This nuisance seems thoughtless and naive. It was good of you to give your friend the heads-up; however, if I were you, I would reiterate your reasoning in an email. And then ask her what she thinks about your interpretation of the netiquette. Try to engage her in a dialogue so that you appear less critical and more interested in an intellectual discussion.
E-World Etiquette: Blocking Dad's Email
Q How do I politely ask my father to stop sending his son many forwarded email jokes, etc.? I receive at least 6 messages a day from him on various subjects. None are personal messages. He has an entire list of people that he forwards the messages to and they have voiced concern as well. He is a young retired man (63) with a lot of time on his hands. Unfortunately, the rest of us aren't so lucky. He is also extremely sensitive and he does not repond well to what he views as criticism. Please help!
A Your poor dad needs activities to fill his time since retirement. Try to interest him in joining a health club.
Like a boy with a new toy, your dad might lose interest in his new toy. If the email really annoys you, block his email address and be done with them; he may not even realize that you've blocked him. The nice thing to do would be to take him to lunch and tell him exactly how you and the others feel about how he is spending his days since his retirement. These email are social bids; perhaps you all could take turns having him to dinner and Sunday lunch until he adjusts to his new life.
E-World Etiquette: Business: Thank-You Notes
Q My work colleagues (approximately 70 people) gave me a retirement reception. Can I send thank-you notes via email?
A If the invitation to the retirement party was sent by email, then you can send a heartfelt thank-you note through email, but be sure to designate that each recipient has a BCC copy, meaning that their name is the only name after the word TO:
If the invitations were not originally sent via email, you need to send a handwritten thank-you note to your co-workers perhaps to be posted on the bulletin board for a period of time so that all 70 have a chance to read it. Then when you run into the co-workers, you can thank them in person.
E-World Etiquette: Cellphone Conduct
Q How far should I stand away from someone when I talk on a cellphone?
A It would depend upon how loudly you speak. Some people feel they have to raise their voice while they are speaking on the cellphone, but cellphone reception has vastly improved. To be polite, stand far enough away so that other people cannot listen in on your conversation.
E-World Etiquette: Cellphone on Trains: Ringing
Q On a crowded commuter train tonight, the man next to me sawed away napping while his cellphone loudly ran off many times. How could I have woken him without physically having to touch him?
A If it happens again, raise the volume on your own cellphone, and every time his rings, ring yours by checking the volume and that should wake him up.
E-World Etiquette: Cellphones in Stores
Q I have a shop in Newport on a busy street so I get lots of browsers over the summer months. I was wondering if you could give me advice as to how to ask browsers kindly not to talk on their cellphones or take photos of my merchandise with their phones. It is annoying not just to me, but to my customers. On the other hand, I don't want to be unfriendly. Often someone will enter the store while conversing on the phone and continue the conversation as they case the store and are still talking as they go out the door. In the meantime, my customers are distracted by the chatter. Thank you!
A Be as high-tech as the browser. Purchase a small, handsome brass plague with the word "cellphone" with a slash through it and nail it at the entrance to your shop. That way the chatterer will know that you mean business.
E-World Etiquette: Chain Emails
Q Every day I get a barrage of emails from friends that I don't have time to answer because they are jokes, religious or politically oriented. I don't want to be rude to my friends, but give me a break: 99% of this stuff does not interest me and a lot of it has been sent to me before. How do you handle chain mails and unwanted forwards?
A Send a humorous email to your friends telling them you only want to hear from them if their email is of a business or personal nature. Briefly explain that you are inundated with emails from friends forwarded from other friends and that there are not enough hours in the day to acknowledge them all. If that's not your style, make it known in social situations that you don't like chain emails. If you make it clear that you don't read chain emails, they will stop sending them to you. You can mention that the fastest way to communicate with you is to text or instant message you.
E-World Etiquette: Dating Matchmakers
Q As a divorced working mother, I don't have the opportunity to meet men outside my office. Do you think the type of man I would want to marry would list himself on an on-line matchmaking site?
A Sadly the most recent surveys show that most of the people who are dating on-line are old and apparently lie about their age. Furthermore, 90% of the men dating on-line said they don't want a relationship, even if their on-line profiles say they do; they just want sex. Only 5% said they want to get married. Unfortunately, there is a 20% chance that the men you will meet on an Internet dating site are unemployed and looking for a working woman. If you can find the time, join a health club and/or become active in your community by volunteering at your children's school, your place of worship, or for a non-profit organization. Joining your local musuem will automatically put you on their invitation list for parties as well as exhibits.
E-World Etiquette: Eliminating Third Party Friends
Q Don't get me wrong, I am always happy to see the name of an old friend wanting to friend me on Facebook, but it is hugely time consuming, especially when they send me a plant or karma that I have to respond to by reciprocating. I don't want to be rude, but playing catch-up can be exhausting let alone collecting all those plants and good karma and then when I'm all caught up I wonder why I re-friended the friend after so many years knowing full well that we probably drifted apart because we had too many differences of opinion. Worse is the friends of friends. How can I pick and choose without feeling like a total snob? It's like once you're out there, you're available to the whole world.
A Make it clear to friends that you are incredibly busy and that you have to limit your Facebook time to an amount of friends that is humanly manageable by eliminating third party friends. Even if you are helping to feed starving babies in Africa, don't reciprocate gifts that you get on Facebook and the sender will get the hint that you don't have the time. Yes, it is proper etiquette to respond in kind, but remember that a poke is a flirt. It would be less flirty to respond with a message, which is more up-front, and say, "How's your twin brother?" Remember if you don't reciprocate to all the pokes, gifts, karma, and messages, eventually the sender will get the hint. How you respond to someone says a lot about your social skills. Look at your collection of friends' profiles and you'll see that your friends rub off on you.
E-World Etiquette: Email Chain Letters
Q When forwarding emails, how many a day is "too many" to send to others?
A We all get too many email chains; most of them are not particularly interesting and the rest we have seen before. In sending emails we might remember that we are all separated by six degrees of friendships; someone we know knows someone who knows someone who knows a friend of a friend of yours. Most of us have begun to think of chain email as junk mail, I've gotten so I will delete a forward before opening it because I know the kind of forward it will be by the sender. Be cautious, before forwarding a chain email scan the lists of previous recipients to sure no one you are planning to send it to will be receiving it again, from you. More than one chain email a day is more than enough, more is less. "Too many," is one.
E-World Etiquette: Email Invitations
Q Is e-mail a proper way to send a bridal shower invitation to a stepmother?
A It depends upon the style of the bridal shower. If all the invitations are being sent out by e-mail, then some might say it is a very modern bridal shower. Others might feel they would like something in hand. As long as you have the proper address, date, and time of the party, as well as an RSVP address, an email invitation meets all the criteria of a proper invitation. If the email invitation does not give you the facts you need to know to get there on the right day, at the right place, and at the right time, then it is not a proper email invitation. Generationally, this is one of those situations where you go with the flow, as they say "When in Rome...." Well, when invited by email, you RSVP by email. As a bridal shower gift, you might want to give the bride some lovely, fine quality thank-you note stationery.
E-World Etiquette: Email: Setting Boundaries with Friends
Q How do I tell a really good friend who emails me nearly everyday that I just don't have the time to respond to her thoughts and answer all her questions? It is difficult to just ignore her many urgent questions. Please advise.
A Why not tell her that your new life coach who you've hired to help you manage your time more efficiently, advised you to cut down on how much time you spend answering personal emails by only answering personal emails every other day. Say that you're sorry and she shouldn't take it personally, if you don't answer her right away. On a more upbeat note, she should get the hint and her expectations won't be as high.
E-World Etiquette: Friending on Facebook
Q New to Facebook, I am not sure what the proper etiquette is about inviting friends. What do you do when friends invite friends to my site and I don't like their profiles for one reason or another?
A Friending can too easily get out of hand. Especially if you start off feeling insecure about only having eight friends when someone else has 4,000. Yes, 4,000. Friending is not a competition. It is about quality not quantity. You want to introduce your friends with similar interests in order to help them network. Limit friends to an amount that is humanly useful by eliminating third party friends. Not only is too many friends hard to handle, but too much profile information is hard to assimilate. You might want to limit access to certain new friends of friends by going to "Limit Profile" and/or get rid of certain new supposed friends either by going to "Limit Profile" or, if the person sounds really obnoxious, going to "Block User." For instance, you wouldn't, let's say, Block User your mum, but you might Block User a gawker stalker. However, you could limit your mum to Limited Profile so that she doesn't see photos of you carousing with friends. Also, beware of who you poke. A poke is a flirt. Before you poke back, check out the person's profile. The purpose, don't forget, is to keep your pals in the loop of what you are up to in your terribly busy life because you love them. If you don't have time to return all text messages and voicemails, Facebook is an efficient way to keep in touch with friends easily. And we all want to make our lives easier.
E-World Etiquette: Guest Kids Ruin Your Computer
Q If a guest's children are playing with my computer after being told by me not to and the next day the computer no longer works, is it the guest's responsibility to pay for repair and or replacement?
A No, the children are guests in your home and you have allowed them to use your computer.
E-World Etiquette: Keeping Strangers from Becoming Friends
Q Some weird guy is trying to friend me on Facebook. If he is a good friend of one of my old friends, I certainly wouldn't want to hurt my old friend's feeling by not friending him. On the other hand, if the guy is a perfect stranger, not to be a snob, I just don't think that I want his name and photo on my site. What do I do?
A You can completely ignore him. If your friend asks why you ignored him, tell the friend that if you had only known that he was a friend of yours, you wouldn't have ignored him. Say, "Next time you want to send someone my way, just give me the heads-up." Tell that friend that for you status is not how many friends you've got on your Facebook page, but how many friends you've got time for. Once you accept this stranger on to your site, you might have to go to all the trouble of limiting his use, if you eventually decide that you do not want him there, remember that you can search him through the" search bar engine" on your Facebook site without clicking on his name or photo (and thus allowing him on to your site) by simply typing in his name. At that point, you might find out that you have a friend in common. Then you can read his profile and even contact that friend to learn more about him before making the decision not to invite him on to your site permanently. Whatever you do, don't poke him until you've investigated him because he'll think that you're flirting with him, unless you want to poke him to say, "How did you find me." But then, once again, if you don't really want him on your site, you'll have to limit his use because you've already accepted him.
E-World Etiquette: Listing Gift Registries on Evite
Q How do I announce my gift registries on my online invitations to my graduation? Also, I have two evites--(1) announcing my defense, (2)invite to my graduation and following luncheon and dinner. Can I put a note on both invites?
A Congratulations! It might seem solicitous if you announced your gift registries in your online evite. Graduation is a celebration of accomplishment, not an excuse for a booty call. Yes, do invite anyone you wish to attend your graduation luncheon and dinner, as long as you are inviting them to celebrate the relationship and not because you want them to give you a gift. Yes, why not put a note on both to encourage them to attend. If an invitee asks you where you are registered, by all means tell him.
E-World Etiquette: Name Dropping
Q It does not make me feel particularly special when I receive an email that is also going to twenty or thirty other people. I used to scroll down to read who the sender knows but I have come to realize that it is a not-so-subtle form of name dropping. If my friend thinks she or he is one of many, why would they even want to read my email. Now when I see a long list of names, it is a sign to push delete. Do you think I'm being snobbish?
A Connecting is a skill. Having connectors in your life is really important and not just because of the number of people they know. It is also about the types of people they know. Don't forget there is even a social game called "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon." Some of your friends may indeed be name dropping but some may be natural connectors. There are certain familiar time-wasting email rubrics that you learn to spot and delete immediately. Personally, as I am more of a maven than a connector, I am more apt to bcc friends when broadcasting an email to a group of friends. So: I do not think you are being snobbish.
E-World Etiquette: RSVP
Q If someone responds to an RSVP (accept or decline) via email, do you respond and say "Thank you, your reponse has been received."?
A Usually you would follow the style of the email. For instance, if it is a formal e-vite, you might reply:
Charles Dickens
accepts your kind invitation
for October 20th
Charles Dickens
due to a prior commitment
regrets your
kind invitation
for October 20th
If you would like to send me a copy of the invitation, I would be happy to give you a better answer. It is a question of style.
E-World Etiquette: RSVP Invitations
Q What is the proper way to RSVP (will attend) an invitation without an enclosed form? The options of said are via phone or email. I prefer email.
A In your email you might write (substituting your own names and date):
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's kind invitation for Saturday, the tenth of May.
E-World Etiquette: Say No to Email Recipe Chains
Q How do I nicely inform an aquaintance that I do not wish to be part of an email recipe chain? This is not a close friend, rather, the mother of one of my child's fellow Brownie troop members. I don't want to sound mean, or just ignore it, but I don't want to "have" to forward this to "10 of my friends."
A We all get too many email chains. Don't be intimidated into keeping them going. Your time is precious. Your sender is trying to connect with you by getting on your radar screen. The next time you are in her company, why not say something like this: "I am just not an email chain letter person. Please excuse me if I don't respond."
Personally, I love good jokes, which I used to forward to a certain cousin; well, she let me know she didn't like them by saying to someone at a party within earshot of me, "You aren't one of those people who send email jokes are you, because I'm not." Needless to say, I haven't sent her a joke since.
E-World Etiquette: Scanners: Listening In
Q My girlfriend works in a job that can be heard through a scanner. I listen to her, and she thinks this is wrong. Is it?
A The question is this: Why are you listening to her? It is bad enough that her company can spy on her; why do you feel the need to spy on her, too? Yes, it is wrong. In order for her to trust you, you have to trust her. Good relationships are built on trust. Perhaps you need to focus not so much on her, but on getting a life of your own.
E-World Etiquette: Sending Too Soon
Q What do I do when I hit the wrong key and my email is sent before I've finished writing it?
A We all occasionally hit SEND before we are ready. In this e-world we adjust to the mistakes of others because all too frequently we make the same mistakes ourselves. Just say "Sorry I hit the wrong key," and go on with what you were going to say. It is debatable whether or not you even need to apologize as long as they get the finished message in a timely fashion and are not left in the lurch.
E-World Etiquette: Social Network Snooping
Q Is it rude to snoop out your friends and their friends?
A In my opinion, since it is just as likely that they might be doing the same to you, my answer is "no." Social networking in cyberspace doesn't allow for much privacy unless you "limit profile" and/or "block user." Some people think of social networks such as Facebook as their own friendship map. However, those same social rules apply: Don't snoop out your children or they won't trust you because they'll think that you don't trust them. Don't snoop out your ex, your spouse, or partner, or they won't trust you. Don't be a gawking stalker. On the other hand, if someone is trying to friend you and you don't remember that person or you want to know more about him or her, snoop him or her out on the network search engine first. For instance, if an old friend is friending you and you are unsure of their availability, snoop him or her out first by reading the profile.
E-World Etiquette: Teenagers Lost in MySpace
Q My wife and I are worried because our two teenagers barely talk to us. They say they want their own space. They spend hours on the Internet asking total strangers for advice about their problems. Their social life seems to consist of typing messages and scanning photos. Is all this time being spent on the Internet good for their social skills? How do we get them to talk to us?
A From ages 11-18 kids want their own space. Yours, along with 40 million other members, are probably logging on to MySpace.com. My Face.com, Facebook.com and Xanga.com are other popular places for teens to find social interaction. The MySpace Generation is the first to grow up fully wired. Since technology is as inevitable as the fact that they are growing up, their e-obsessiveness is the way they discuss problems, get dating advice, help with homework and expand their cyber presence. The rest of the time, they are on their iPods, on-the-go email gadgets, or watching TV. Nothing can replace a face-to-face conversation, the sound of a friend's voice, a hug from a parent or having someone laugh out loud at your joke. Feeling connected is key. Try family outings with long car rides or walks. The longer you have them to yourself, the easier it will be for them to feel connected to you. Take them to a movie and discuss the theme afterwards as a way to get a conversation going.
E-World Etiquette: Telecommunications Etiquette
Q What is telecommunications etiquette?
A Transmitting messages over a distance electronically politely. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. Here are some e-world etiquette tips:
Always assume that the receiver is just as busy as you are.
Never use all upper case text because it is the equivalent of being screamed at so, use upper case letters sparingly.
Use the person's first name, if you know him, to make him feel that you are trying to connect with a real person.
Be sure to have all your contact information after you sign off: name, position, telephone, fax, repeat the email address, cell phone.
List the preferred alternative address first, for instance it might be your cell phone number.
Be sure to spell check and proofread.
When sending a group message, be sure to blind copy, bcc, the list so not to offend those who do not want their email address public record.
Before signing off, try to say something personal, for instance, "Hope you and Amanda have a great time in Tahiti" or, "Congratulations on the birth of your healthy baby."
Be sure to thank the person for the last thing they did before you ask them to do something more.
When asking someone to do something use the word "would," as in "Would you please checkup on......."
Remember you can never thank anyone too much or too often.
E-World Etiquette: Tipsy Texting
Q Help! My friends have all gone mad. They're texting and d-rail their buddies when they're tipsy - and not just their buddies. They'll meet someone in a bar and use their phones to flirt with whatever guy they are interested in. At first it was amusing, but now I get embarrassed for them. What do I say to stop them from making fools of themselves?
A You can say, "Good friends don't let their buddies drink and text." Using Black-Berries, Sidekicks, laptops, and cell phones at happy hour can get risky but d-railing and texting are mainstream ways of communicating. Texting is popular because it is at our fingertips, is not as annoying as talking on a cell phone, and is not as devastating of a rejection if someone doesn't text back. In the dating scene, texting is a way to send dirty messages---a way for people to put themselves out without having to take a risk in person. Let's face it, if you exchange phone numbers at a bar, it's easier to text that hot guy at the end of the night with something flirty than having to wonder if he'll call. Texting is a way for people to avoid talking because it is one level removed. What people say to each other face to face is different from what they will say over the phone, and it is a wall of protection if the response and results are negative.
E-World Etiquette: Tipsy Typing
Q My ex-girlfriend, whom I really respect, has a horrible habit of emailing me late at night when she's had too much to drink. Mostly I ignore these missives, but I worry that she's emailing other men in her life who might not understand her need to vent. Is it none of my business, or what can I say?
A Email and text messaging have become a popular method for overindulgers to share way too much personal information. Tell her you think it's therapeutic to vent but it would be better if she waited until she's read them the next day to press SEND.
E-World Etiquette: Too Much Email
Q How can I get a grip on my email? My online mailbox is always so full it scares me. The older the email, the longer I think I need to spend time apologizing for a late answer. Help!
A Everyone gets too much email; however, you still have to deal with it. 1.) DO NOT use your online mailbox as a to-do list. Move undeleted messages to a to-do list. 2.) A 24-hour response is expected. If people send you silly chain-mails you don't want to respond to then tell them directly: no chain messages, no jokes. Don't be passive- aggressively taking too long to respond. 3.) Don't read your email unless you delete as you go. Remember that emails need to be timely more than they need to be well-written, witty, and that the nice thing about them is that no one expects them to be perfect.
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