Entertaining: 22nd Birthday Party: Club: Legwear
Q Hello, I'm having a pre-bday celebration for my 22nd bday with some of my friends at a nite club/lounge. Attire must be gown & sexy. I already put in an order for an off- beige chic skin tight nylon type material dress that is two inches above my knees. It has very gorgeous beading along the neckline of the dress. The color of the beading is a shade or two darker than the dress that makes it sparkle and look like gold. I've tried it on in store before I put in the order & the dress is very comfortable which helped me decide on getting it. I have two qts for you, now, Would black sheer stockings look good with a dress like I described? Also, shoes...I have closed-toe, 2 inch thick heels, height of heel about 2in as well, black patent leather shoes look great with a dress like this? Hellppp! And thanks!

A Sounds like a great dress. Wear shimmery legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone with either nude, turquoise or red patent leather heels.

Nix the idea of black legwear with a beige dress. The color black is wrong. The dress sounds actually rather delicate, so keep it going with sheer legwear with a bit of shine because it will make you look taller. Nude shoes will elongate your overall look even further.

Entertaining: 25th +50th Anniversary: On a Budget: Church Pot Luck
Q My husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in May. We have two young teenage sons, so I know there will be no reception or party thrown by them, or even close friends, especially in this economy. It will simply be just another day. I would like to have some type of celebration and don't mind throwing it myself, but, we are on a VERY limited budget, single income family, with teenage boys!
My next problem is 6 months following our 25th anniversary, my parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, and I'd like to do something for them. Again, we have the very limited budget, but I would get some help from my younger brother and his wife for our parents' celebration.
IF anything is done for either occasion, we would most likely hold it at our church.
ANY suggestions for each, WITHOUT breaking the bank?

Thanks,
Sharon from GA

A You can do a potluck supper. You will have to be super organized with your assignments so you don't get all salads, or desserts, but you can make it happen. When you have guests bring a dish, you cannot expect the guest to also purchase an anniversary present. So, on your invitation, under the RSVP information, you would include a line such as this: In lieu of a gift, please bring your favorite dish, dessert or beverage.

Then when the RSVPs start emailing you, keep track of who is bringing what. You can base the anniversary feast on a baked ham or the local dish of your choice. Alternatively, you can do a cookout or BBQ. At your local Dollar Store you'll find paper plates, napkins, cups, forks, knives and spoons. The church parish hall should have tables, chairs and table cloths. If the church doesn't have a punch bowl, you could probably borrow one or rent one. Your sons and their friends can be enlisted as wait staff to help serve and clean up. Either put your teenage sons in charge of the music sharing DJ duties, or hire a local band, because you can't have a party without music. T hink of your own pot luck as a dress rehearsal for your parents' pot luck, which will run even smoother, but with a different guest list and menu.

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary
Q My husband and I are having a 25th anniversary party at a local restaurant. How to word the invitation so guests know it is a "dutch treat" event, since we cannot afford to pay for everyone's meal?

A Technically, you would not be giving the party because you want people to pay their own way. Unfortunately, misunderstanding, resentment and bitterness often come into play when you invite "guests" to pay for their own meal. In the invitation, you would tell them exactly how much they need to bring per person and per couple for their meal and drinks, including the gratuity and tax. Also, you will need to print "No gifts please" at the bottom of the invitation because if you are asking your friends to pay for their own food and drinks, they cannot be expected to buy you a 25th anniversary present, too. Insert your own information and center the lines on the card:

Amanda and John Winslow
invite you to a Dutch Treat Dinner
to help them celebrate
their 25th Anniversary
Wednesday, August 25th
seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000
$50 Dinner with drinks, tax and tip
No gifts please

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary Contribution
Q How do you word in an invitation (25th Wedding Anniversary Party) given by friends to please contribute for a special gift to be presented at the party?

A First you might want to get your host and hostess list together. Telephone or email ten couples and ask if they would like to host the party saying that in lieu of a present, everyone will contribute towards a special gift. Before you make the calls, you need to decide if you will be also collecting for the cost of the party because if you are, you are not going to be able to ask them to contribute too much for the gift, if they are helping to pay for the party. Have a couple of dates in mind so that when you make those calls you can get the rest of the hosts to agree on a date. Then you need to budget the party: how much for expenses, how much for the special gift. You will also need to decide as treasurer not only how much you have to collect but when people have to have their money into you. Once you have your hosts' list, the date and time, the total amount people will be asked to contribute, then you can send out your invitation. At the top of the invite, list the names of the hosts, then under that say "request your presence/ at the 25th Wedding Anniversary/ of Jane and John Doe." Center all the lines in the center of the page with the date and time, and then location towards the bottom. At the very bottom, put your RSVP, email and phone number.

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary: Invitation: Dress Code: Suits & Dresses
Q When my husband and I got married 25 years ago, we couldn't afford a reception. We got married in our church, wearing traditional wedding attire and had a few guests back at the house for cold sandwiches. Every time we go to a big wedding, I'm always depressed that we couldn't do that. Life has blessed us and we now are financially able to do just about anything we want. So we thought about having the reception we always wanted for our 25th Anniversary. We belong to a country club and want to have a cocktail hour starting at 6:30 p.m. and a 5 course dinner at 7:30. There will be a piano player in a tux for the entire evening, but no dancing. There will be a wedding cake for dessert. We want to dress up, but not too formal. My husband has an elegant black suit and wants to wear a white shirt with a silver satin tie. I want to wear a rich fabric silver cocktail dress that is just below the knee (as we are 47 yrs. old) that has a lot of sparkle to it. It costs $1,000. Is that too fancy for us to wear? If not, what should our guests wear and what are the proper words to use on the formal invitation to let them know that the Club has a strict dress code?

A It sounds like a lovely party. From what you described, the dress code would be: Suits & Dresses. By stating Suits & Dresses, you are requiring men to wear a jacket and tie. By using the word "Suits," you're drawing the line at no jeans, flip-flops, t-shirts, cargo pants. The women will dress accordingly to accompany a man in a suit.

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary: Selling Tickets to the Party
Q I caught wind that my daughter would like to throw my husband and me a 25th anniversary party. She wants to cater and have a DJ and would like it to be a ticketed event to cover the cost. Is this an appropriate thing to do? She apparently went to a retirement party that was a ticketed event and thought that she would do the same for my husband and me.

A You can do what you like, but remember when your guests have to pay to attend your 25th anniversary party, they cannot be expected to buy you a gift as well. You would need to put a line on the invitation under the RSVP information stating: In lieu of a gift, please pay for the cost of your ticket(s): $25 (or whatever the
projected price).

Then the problem becomes how to collect the admission money. You can include a reply card with an addressed return envelope to have people pay ahead of time, or money can be collected at the door. The nicest way to do this, in my opinion, is to have a very large glass pickle jar on a table near the door going into the party where guests can deposit their checks or cash and leave it up to your "guests" whether they contribute or not; in that case on the invitation you would put: Suggested ticket price at the door $25 in lieu of a present. I like having you use the gentle word "Suggested."

You can have fun being creative with the invitation by designing the invitation, say, to look like a raffle ticket where you keep the stub with your name and amount sent in and the guest mails the second part of the ticket along with their check in the pre-addressed envelope.

Finally, you will have to send thank-you notes to all guests who paid for their admittance, jut the way you would send a thank-you for a boxed gift.

Entertaining: 45th Anniversary Plan
Q We are having a sit-down full course dinner for my sister & brother-in-law's 45th wedding anniversary and I want to know if they should be seated with the rest of their family or at a table by themselves? Thank you very much.

A Traditionally, honorees are either seated at a dais table side by side with the hosts on the other side or at round tables of eight, ten or twelve. I am not a big fan of the dais table because the honored guests don't really get to circulate. If you have a dance floor, you would have the honorees at the best table, the one center to the dance floor and band. Whether you have a dance floor or not, they should be seated where they are easily accessible to all the guests, not jammed into a tight corner. The oldest and/or best friends of your sister and her husband would sit beside them. Seat them next to whomever has come the farthest distance, whom they have known the longest. I am not a big fan of seating honorees with families unless they are family members whom they do not see often or who are quite elderly. You might even ask the honorees who they would like to be seated with. You and your husband might have your own tables, spreading yourselves out to the second tier of close friends and family. Try to intersperse family with friends. Have place cards for the honorees table and at least have table number cards for the other guests, who can seat themselves once they have found their assigned table. It is important to have toasts, so if you invite some of their bridal party to the anniversary, you might ask the best man or matron of honor to give toasts mentioning the wedding. If there is no music, then the toasts will be the only entertainment, so you will need to arrange the toasts ahead of time, once everyone has made their RSVP. The first would be the welcoming toast from either the host or the best man. The rest of the toasts would be made during dessert.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary for 50 Dutch Treat
Q When hosting a 50th Wedding Aniversary, is it ok to have the guests pay for their own meals? We are inviting 50 people and cannot afford to pay to feed them all.

A If you decide to host yourselves a Dutch Treat 50th anniversary party for fifty people, you will need to remember three things: you will have to make an arrangement with the restaurant and get a set price that includes the cost of the meal, drinks, tax and tip; when you send out your invitation you will have to state Dutch Treat Dinner $50 (insert your own cost) with drinks, tax, + tip, and don't forget to include your RSVP telephone number. Then when people RSVP by telephone, you will need to tell them that you are not accepting presents because they are paying for the cost of their own dinner.

It is important that you establish the price ahead of time because a lot of people at that age are on tight budgets; you will, also, have to let them know when they RSVP when and how you need to be reimbursed because the restaurant cannot handle and process 50 different bills and 50 different credit cards. Be prepared for the fact that many restaurants will ask for a specific percentage of the bill for the tip, or there might be a surcharge. If you work all these details out well ahead of time, you might be able to make a good deal with the manager for a prix fixe dinner at a set cost.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Gift
Q My family and I are invited to our aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary celebration . On the invitation it said our presence was wanted but not gifts. So do we go empty handed or bring a gift? I don't want to be the only one to show up with a gift or without a gift. Thanks!

A By the 50th anniversary most people are getting rid of "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff." Honor your aunt and uncle's wishes and don't bring a gift. If you wish to send them flowers which will die and can be thrown away, then do so. All that is required is a handwritten, heartfelt note and perhaps a lovely, or hilariously funny, 50th anniversary card. At their age, they are more interested in contact, connecting with family and old friends, then they are in acquiring new things that they will have to get rid of.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Informal Invite
Q How would you word an informal 50th anniversary invitation?

A An informal 50th anniversary invitation might read:
Mary Louise and Andrew Whittaker
cordially invite you
to a cocktail buffet
in celebration of their fiftieth wedding annniversary
Thursday, June 21, 2006
6 to 9 P.M.
at home
806 Bellevue Avenue
RSVP
000-000-0000

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary party
Q This is not information I need to get here, but do you have a page or two on do's and don't for 50th wedding anniversarys? My 3 brothers and sister and I have picked a restaurant. I ordered favors and we agreed on a menu. What other information/necessities should we be aware of? The event is on 9/16/06.
Thank you again. Please answer if it's already printed out.

A Your parents would not open presents in front of their guests because many people think it is a big bore to have to watch grown-ups opening gifts. Party favors would either be at their place when they sat down, if it is a seated dinner with place cards, or at the door when they leave. Ahead of time, make a list of guests who might be particularly good at giving toasts, telephoning them a couple of weeks before the party so that they have time to prepare. The eldest sibling, though not necessarily, would give the welcoming toast to guests and your parents at the start of the meal and he would take on the role of toast master. During the cocktail time he would check-in with those on his list to be sure that they are prepared and he might say, for instance, "Hank, yours will be the third toast during dessert." The rest of the toasts would begin during dessert with the toast master announcing each of the people who are toasting with a short description of their relationship to your parents. The toasts might be chronological going from the siblings to their oldest to not so oldest friends. For instance, if you could get their best man to give the first toast at dessert, you would be linking the wedding to the anniversary. Be sure to instruct the people making toasts, both on the phone and during the cocktail time, to "Please limit your toast to three minutes." It would be really fun to try to have some of the same music that played during their wedding reception at the anniversary dinner; for instance, the first tune they danced to as husband and wife. You might, also, want to recreate their wedding cake and use the same wedding colors for the flowers and decorations. If you have photographs of the wedding, you might display them in the area used at cocktail time. It is important to end the party on a high note. If there is no band to dance to after the toasts have ended, one of the siblings or your father might want to end the evening with a farewell toast that might start out, "Thank you all so much for coming. Mandy and I are touched that so many of you came from so far to be with us this evening. Mandy and I want to thank our children Amanda, Samuel, and Henry for organizing such a splendid event. Now, after I kiss my wife, Mandy and I will say goodnight and thanks to you all." Guests are not supposed to leave before the guests of honor, so your parents would be the first to leave signaling that the party is over. Timing the ending of a party is one of the most important elements to creating a successful party.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Etiquette
Q Is a gift expected at a formal 50th wedding anniversary celebration?

A 50th anniversaries are more about the camaraderie than collecting gifts. By this time in life most people are in the getting rid of "stuff" stage. A funny card, a handwritten thank-you note, or a return invitation is all that is expected. The invitation is all about personal contact. It is a social bid best answered with a social bid.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Gifts
Q 50th wedding anniversary party: do you give the guests any gifts?

A No, because by this stage of life most of the guests will be trying to get rid of "stuff." The money might be better spent on treating your guests to better quality food, wine, and dance band. You might encourage special friends to take home the floral arrangement from their table.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Planning
Q My younger sister and brother and I will be giving my parents 50th wedding anniversary celebration in December and I want the rsvp's returned no later than the second week of November but my sister thinks this is improper etiquette. The earlier date will allow those procrastinators in my extended family to get the return in on time. We are required to pay for the catering services two weeks before the celebration. When should we request that the rsvp's be in our hands?

What would be the proper wording for an invitation from the surviving daughters and son? I have two younger brothers who are deceased and both died young but have children and wives that will be in attendance? Is there something very touching and appropriate that we can do during the celebration to honor or recognize my deceased brothers but not bring the tone of the party down?
My father has a daughter who will be attending. She is not my mother's biological daughter. How do we incorporate her without stating offensively that she isn't my mom's child?

I would also like to have a check list for the last weeks before the event so I can be organized.

A Now let me get this straight, the hosts are you, your sister, and your brother. So if you three are paying for the party and are hosts, why would you list your deceased brothers' wives as hosts? It is a very nice gesture, and if you wish to do so that is fine, but you do not have to unless they are sharing the expense. If you do list them, then you would also list your spouse, your sister's spouse and your brother's spouse. Also, if you are not listing your children as hosts, then you wouldn't list your deceased brothers' children as hosts, unless they were sharing the cost. When listing people on a host list, you would use a uniform system listing the given names and surnames alphabetically without titles (centering all the lines but the RSVP on the page) like this:

Alice Adams, Susan Winston, and William Winston
request the pleasure of your company
at a Fiftieth Anniversary Dinner
in honor of their parents
Jane and Harry Winston
on Saturday, December 14th
at seven o'clock
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

RSVP by December first
to your@email.address
or 401-000-1234

Alternatively, you can say (centering these lines on the page):

The children, grandchildren, and in-laws
of Jane and Harry Winston
request the pleasure of your company
for a Fiftieth Anniversary Dinner
on Saturday, December 16th
at seven o'clock
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

RSVP by December first
Reply card enclosed

Tell your sister that the caterer has to know the head count two weeks in advance, so there has to be a deadline for the RSVP. Also, you will need to know in order to make out the table seating chart and place cards in advance. Before you go ahead with the printing of the invitation, be sure to ask to see a proof and go over it very carefully, because if a date or time is incorrect, it could be a disasterous. Remember that you will need to have a return address on the envelope, so check the proof for the envelope, too.

As to acknowledging your deceased brothers, that can be done in a toast by your brother. It should be short and reflect their personalities. In other words, "I would like us all to raise our glasses and toast our brother Tom, who would never miss a family party even if he had to hitchhike home." And then, "Let's raise our glasses again, this time to our brother John, who would have been so proud to see all of his children here today celebrating his parents fiftieth anniversary."

As to your father's daughter from a former marriage, in your father's thank-you toast, he will thank all those for coming, and "especially those who came from as far away as Mike did from Alaska and to Sally who just had a baby, and my daughter Andrea and her husband Arnold for all coming tonight."

Here is a suggested checklist:

List the given and surname of all guests on an Excel spreadsheet along with the address and phone number, as well as a place to check off if the person is attending or not, and if they are, eventually you will need to add the table number.

Give a deposit and sign a contract with the caterer, which includes gratuity information and overtime rates. Be sure to have the cost of the meal detailed out from drinks and canapes to after-dinner coffee and champagne for toasting. You want a guarantee of so many waiters per table. For instance a table of ten might need one and a half waiters, if the waiter is pouring the wine. If the wine is on the table, then one waiter for a table of ten or twelve would be fine.

Give a deposit for the floral arrangements and any other accent floral arrangements (and corsages) and get a receipt in writing stating the place, date, and time that the arrangements will be delivered. You should ask to see a photo of the arrangement ahead of time so that you can coordinate it with the color of the table linens.

Give a deposit and sign a contract with the bandleader, which includes gratuity information and overtime charges.

Once you have those contracts or letters of agreement signed, mail out all invitations four weeks before the date of the RSVP deadline. Make it clear to the bandleader that the band will be fed by the caterer after the instruments have been set up and there has been a sound check. Make sure that you both agree that there will be continuous music throughout the evening from the moment the first guest walks in the door until the final tune, "Good Night Ladies." Although the unions require breaks, you can follow the union rules by having musicians alternate the times when they take their break. Be sure that you specify this.

You will need to telephone those guests whose reply cards have not been returned in order to give the caterer an accurate head count.

Now you can go through the spreadsheet and write out the place cards and make out a seating plan. The most efficient way to do this is to have a table card in an envelope at the entrance with the number of the table clearly marked on the card. Then when the guest goes to the table number, he/she will find a place card that tells him/her where to sit. You would not seat married couples side by side, but you can seat small children between parents, if you do not have a specific table just for small children.

At least a week before the party, make contact with the chef to go over the menu in detail, this includes beverages, canapes, and the fact that there should be salt and pepper on all the tables. Will there be butter plates? Will the cake be served by the waiter? Will champagne be served with the toasts? If you have not yet ordered a special cake, be sure that it is included with the correct information as to the spelling of names, etc. You want to go over how the tables will be arranged and set; if you are not using the caterers tablecloths and napkins you will want to be sure that the caterer has the number of the rental person to coordinate the arrival of the linens. You will want him to put numbers on the tables. If he doesn't have them, then you will want to arrange for table numbers to be rented. Be sure that you discuss the lighting and ask how many votives will be on the tables and who will be providing and lighting those votives. Go over the timing of the cocktail hour, dinner seating, the serving of the champagne and the cutting of the cake.

You might want to go to your parents house to make sure that nothing has to be dry cleaned and that your dad's dress shoes are shined. Be sure that they have tried on their outfits ahead of time and that no linings have come undone or buttons need to be sewn tighter. At this point you want to confirm with the person who is bringing your parents to the party, the date and time of the pick-up. You might put a grandson in charge of picking them up and taking them home. Your father should be working on his thank-you toast.

The afternoon of the party, take your seating plan and cards and lay down the table cards on a table at the entrance in alphabetical order, and then lay down the place cards that are placed at each place setting. Have the place cards stacked in the order that they will be placed around the table, securing the stack with an elastic band; slip a piece of paper with the table number under the elastic band. Be sure that your parents' table is the one centered nearest to the dance floor. Also, if you know that guests might be bringing presents, have a table in the corner near the entrance, although not at the entrance, where guests can leave presents.

Print out the Excel spreadsheet again at the last minute, so that you have it with you at the party in case someone's table card gets lost or you are looking for an extra place for an unexpected guest who came at the last minute and can have the seat of someone who had to regret at the last moment.

Most good hostesses won't have their first drink until they are assured that the party is in the hands of a competent staff. If dinner has not been called within an hour, remind the caterer that you had specified that the cocktail hour be no longer than an hour. If you and your sister and brother are the primary hosts, then be sure to make sure that at least one of you (with or without your spouse) is stationed by the entrance during the cocktail hour to greet all of the guests and then again after the cutting of the cake and the toasts to thank your guests for coming as they depart. You can rotate every twenty minutes.

Lastly, but most importantly, have a great time at the party and your guests will have fun, too.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Anniversary Bouquet
Q I'm planning a 50th anniversary vows renewal and party for my older sister and would like somehow to include on the invitation a request for a silk flower in lieu of gifts to be made into a remembrance bouquet for the couple to be able to look at in days and months after to remember all those that came. I want to buy a nice vase and have it sitting by the guest book and have each guest place their flower there as they come in to the reception. How to I word this on the invitation? I have been looking all over the internet for some help on this and your site is the first where I could ask the question.

A What a splendid idea because by the time the 50th anniversary comes along most couples have accumulated enough stuff, but they can always find a place for a beautiful vase of silk flowers.

In order to create this bouquet, you will need to put a line on the invitation directly under the RSVP that says something such as either of these sentences:

In lieu of a boxed gift, please bring your favorite silk flower for the anniversary bouquet.
or
In lieu of a present, please bring one silk flower for the anniversary bouquet.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Cruise Registry Credit Instead of Boxed Gift
Q My siblings and I are hosting my parents 50th wedding anniversary party. They would really like to go on a cruise to celebrate their 50th - is there any appropriate way to word this on the party invitation to let guests know that gifts of cash to go toward a cruise would be appreciated?

A Times are tough. Guests don't like to be pushed for a gift. Most people hosting anniversary parties such as this are putting "Please, no presents" on the invitation, or "No presents just your presence". So, you might want to check with your parents to see if it's appropriate, because you wouldn't want them embarrassed. I had one furious client whose children didn't print "Please no presents" on the invitation as she had instructed and she got so upset she made them send out postcards asking guests to please NOT bring presents. People at this age are trying to get rid of stuff, not accumulate more stuff. If you push for presents and they don't want to contribute to the cruise, your parents might still get a lot of candy dishes.

I am sorry, but don't ask for cash unless your parents are hard up, and if they are that hard up, why not give them the cash instead of the party?

On the other hand, if their circle of friends are still giving anniversary presents to one another, then enclose a small card in the same style as the invitation with the name of a cruise registry. To find a cruise registry, Google "honeymoon cruise registry," or "cruise registry," and have your parents register for a trip and itinerary, which they can always change, but at least you've got them started. Then on the enclosure card have printed, inserting your own information, words such as these centered on the card:

To help Rosie and George's
dream cruise come true
a small credit to their
cruise registry would
be greatly appreciated
(Then give the Web site address or/and 800 number.)

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Dress Code: Dressy
Q What does "dressy" mean when you are going to a 50th birthday celebration at a banquet facility - dinner served at 7:45 pm.?

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, then you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Dressy but not formal means Suits and Dresses are the dress code.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Dress Code: Purple
Q Dress Code Purple...........Can I wear a purple with blacks in it and a purple shoe and a matching bag to a friend's 50th birthday party? Anyway, I'm 25 yrs...

A Just because the dress code is Purple, it doesn't mean that you can't wear other colors with purple. Yes, wear blacks with purple. All purple would be a bit much.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Dress Code: Santa Cruz, CA: 5:00 PM
Q Feb. 4th - 50th Wedding Anniversary party 5:00 casual attire location inside reception facility at the beach in Santa Cruz CA. Ideas for woman and husband's attire.

A My best advice is to make the dress code Jackets & Dresses, or Jackets and Dresses. That way you will be assured that all the men will be in jackets and that nobody shows up in jeans, flop-flops, cargo pants, sneakers, t-shirts or bare midriffs.

I know you've chosen a casual attire location, but this is an evening 50th anniversary party. I also know that California is more casual on dress codes, but when you don't want guests showing up in flip-flops, torn jeans, wife-beater tank tops, you have to go up the ladder in terms of listing a dress code. Finally, alternatively, the dress code Cocktail Casual or Business Casual will eliminate flip-flops, but not jeans and t-shirts and doesn't seem appropriate for Santa Cruz, CA. I would have to know more about the expectations of the anniversary couple to give you a more specific dress code. Glad to help, just need more info.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Gift Etiquette: Asking for Cash
Q My mother, aunt and I are planning my grandparents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. My grandparents have a motor home and love to travel; however they have never been to Europe. While we can cover a big portion of the trip, we were thinking of asking the guests to give money toward this special gift and present them with a travel voucher from all their family and friends. We were wondering if this is an all right idea or, since gifts are not necessarily required, if it is too much to ask of people. I was wondering how to address this without making the guests feel obligated to participate. And any ideas on how to present this from a large group of people.

A It would be fun to have a model airplane or a large jar with a globe on it where guests could deposit cash and checks. This is one of those tricky situations where you have to make it fun for the guests. At the bottom of the invitation, under the RSVP info, you can print the following line: In lieu of a present, a small donation to send Jane and Ted to Europe would make their day! That way people can give ten dollars or whatever they can afford. Collecting ahead of time is difficult; however, bringing the check or cash is even more of an inducement to show up at the party. Personally, I think it's a great idea as long as you have fun with it and don't make it an either or situation.

Another fun way to do this is to register your grandparents on a honeymoon registry where guests can go online and contribute to their airfare or, say, a bottle of champagne at the first hotel or breakfast in the hotel dining room. Then under the RSVP, you can write: If you wish to add to Jane and Ted's honeymoon registry for their trip to Ireland, please do @ www.honeymoonwishes.com. The registries don't charge either parties a fee to contribute to the trip. By the way, there are many such registries and I can't vouch for any of them. It's up to you to do the research.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Invitation
Q I would like to do a 50th wedding anniversary reception for my parents, BUT I am their ONLY child (but I have 3 children. I can't find any wording for a invitation given by an ONLY child. Please give suggestions...might want to give an example that includes my children also, if that is appropriate. Thanks for your help!

A You would center these lines on the card and substitute your own information.

Timothy Smith
hopes you will join the family
for a cocktail buffet
to celebrate his parents
Elizabeth and Andrew's
50h Wedding Anniversary
Saturday, May 9, at six o'clock
187 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP Card enclosed

or
The Wilsons
Cordially invite you
To a cocktail dance
In celebration of
Alice and George Smith's
50th Wedding Anniversary
Saturday, January 23
6 to 8 P.M.
The Hunt Club (where they were married)
128 Fox Hollow Road
and with the same receiving line
and with the same band, The Highlanders,
that played on their wedding day

Elizabeth Wilson 000-000-000

As I don't know if you all have the same last names or not, you'll obviously have to rework the names to suit your situation.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Toast: Short but Sweet
Q Any tips on a short but sweet 50th Wedding Anniversary toast?

A "Let the good times roll."

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: When Parents Don't Want Presents + Invitations Have Gone Out
Q My parents are celebrating their 50th Anniversary.
My mother was very insistent upon having "No Gifts Please"
listed on the invitation. My sister neglected putting this on the invitations and they have gone out. My mom is very upset and wants personally to contact all 100+ invitees to tell them not to bring a gift. From all that I've seen, most people know a gift for 50th year Anniversary is not necessary. Do you think we should go ahead anyway (for my mother) and send/call each person invited to relay this request? If so how do we word a card?

A In my opinion, you would let it go. Most people the age of your parents have probably been exchanging gifts and favors with most of the quests for a long time and understand that it all evens out over the decades. Helping your mother understand this is what's hard. Perhaps you could explain this and then say that by sending everyone a follow up FYI saying that guests are not to bring a present is making a mountain out of a mole hill: making an issue out of something that is not really an issue when taking into account the occasion. Most people will assume a card or token gift will be appreciated and bring one anyway, because we all know that it is the thought that counts. Your mother may be embarrassed, but remind her of all the presents she has bought, wrapped, and brought to parties, and now it is their turn.

Perhaps, your mother doesn't want the task of having to write all those thank-you notes; offering to split the thank-you note writing with your sister might possibly help to persuade your mother to let the situation go and accept her 50th anniversary as her big day.

Entertaining: 50th Class Reunion: Dress Code: Business Casual
Q What is business casual for men and women for August 50th class reunion afternoon through evening reception?

A The dress code Business Casual means men would wear jackets or blazers, but not necessarily ties. For a 50th class reunion, many of the men will feel more comfortable wearing a tie, but ties should be optional. By using the word "business," the dress code is stating: no jeans, flip-flops, or t-shirts. Some men will wear their school baseball cap, but that can't be helped.

Entertaining: 50th Wedding Anniversary Gift
Q Are you suppose to take gifts to a 50th wedding anniversary party? Should gifts be expected?

A No, gifts are not expected at a 50th anniversary party. At that stage of life most people are getting rid of their "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff" that they will have to get rid of; plus they get stuck with having to write a thank-you note for a present they didn't want in the first place. People at this age would rather receive a thank-you phone call, email, or a humorous greeting card with a couple of personal sentences. They are less interested in things and more interested in contact. An invitation is a social bid; it might be better to reciprocate with an invitation rather than burden the couple with more "stuff."

Entertaining: 50th Wedding Anniversary Invitation
Q I am having a 50th wedding anniversary dinner for my parents and I don't want to have children in attendance, but I also forgot to put this on the invitation. Also we are having a money tree and I forgot to put that on the invitation also. Please advise. I'm mailing these out tomorrow.

A I am terribly sorry, but I answer all of my questions personally, and I took a couple of days off. Some days I've been answering over 100 questions. By now, I am sure that you did the right thing. If you did not put the children's names on the invitations or envelopes, then you did not specifically invite the children. Therefore, when people RSVP, you can remind them that you did not invite any children. Don't use a voicemail to collect the RSVPs, so that you speak to people personally. As for the money tree, I am not a huge fan of soliciting money at parties, except for charity, and especially not for family. If it is a custom in your family to collect money for family in this fashion, then you would stick with your family's traditions.

Entertaining: 60th Anniversary Cake
Q My in-laws are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. What is the proper cake decorating? Thank you.

A Ask your mother-in-law if she remembers her wedding cake and go from there. If she doesn't, ask her what her favorite flavors and colors are and use those. If she remembers what flowers were in her bridal bouquet, use those flowers as decorations.

Entertaining: Academy Ball: Dallas: December: 16 Years Old
Q I'm 16 and invited to go to The Academy Ball in Dallas. It is in December. My dress is long, satin, red and strapless.
My questions are
1) what type and color of shoe
2) what kind of wrap
3) gloves??
4) does evening bag need to match shoes?

Thank you.

A Thank you for having such nice manners. With a long, pretty, red satin dress, you could wear either red shoes, to match your dress, or black shoes to make more of a contemporary statement. You could also wear silver or gold, but whatever you decide on, make sure your evening shoes are delicate looking and not chunky.

With black shoes, you could wear a tailored, short, thin black leather jacket, but then you wouldn't wear gloves. With red shoes, you could wear long, white, nylon gloves that go up about two inches above your elbow, with a white pashmina. I would say red pashmina, but I don't want you wearing three different shades of red between the dress, the shoes and the pashmina. So the white pashmina might be easier to match with the white gloves than trying to match three reds.

I go by the French rule that if you're under 30, you can match your bag and shoes. Over 30, you wouldn't because being too matchy-matchy can make one look older.

Entertaining: Acceptable Arriving Late Time
Q We are having an etiquette arguement....Is it ever ok to be late to something as small as a bbq when the hostess has specified a time to be there? I feel specified times means exactly what it was intended, not whenever you want to arive.


A Traditionally, you should not be more than 15 minutes late. However, often when you know that there will be a long cocktail hour and you don't want to drink too much because you have to drive home, you might arrive closer to the dinner hour. So if the bbq is at six, you might arrive at 6:45, if they are eating at seven. Arriving any later than that is rude because it is not fair to keep the host and other guests waiting for their dinner. If for instance you have a cocktail party to attend first, you would telephone the host to ask what time he anticipates serving dinner because you have to stop off somewhere else briefly first but you do not want to hold up the dinner. That way you can gauge arriving at the bbq at least 15 minutes before the food is served; the host knows that you are on your way and haven't forgotten his invitation to his bbq.

Entertaining: Accepting a Charity Event as a Single
Q Hi Didi, I have been asked by my doctor (I am not his guest) to attend a fundraising event. I have never been to one and don't have a significant other to bring with me. Two questions: Should I go? There will be 300 other people there as well. Can I go alone? I would rather not have to look for a date to take if possible. Thanks, Barbara

A Ask your doctor if you will be seated at his table or can he see that you are seated at a table with other single people. If you are paying to go to his charity event, then he should be accommodating about making sure you have a good seat.

Entertaining: Addressing Informal Invitation Man or Woman First
Q When addressing informal invitation should man or woman's name come first?

A In addressing the envelope for an informal invitation, you would put Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens. If you do not want to use Mr. and Mrs.(you don't have to), you might put Caroline and Charles Dickens. I am a big fan of putting the woman first.

Entertaining: Addressing Invite to Couple + Child
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?



A Depends upon the invitation. If it is a formal invitation, for instance to a wedding, on the inside envelope underneath where the parents' name is written, you would write the name of the child minus the last name. If it is a family invitation to a cookout, let's say, the child's name might go on the outside envelope under the parents' name, if the host's children's names are on the invitation, too.

Entertaining: Addressing Minor Children on Invitation
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?

Thanks

A If it is a formal wedding announcement that has an inside envelope, the child's first name would be written underneath the parents' name on the inside envelope. If the invitation is for a family party where the children's names also appear on the invitation, then the child's name might appear on the outside envelope.

Entertaining: Adults Only Baby Shower
Q I have a huge problem!! I am having a baby shower and my guest list is running close to 60 guest. I don't want to have children in attendance because the shower is going to be held in a ballroom of an upscale hotel. A lot of my guests have children, some even have up to six kids!!! I don't want to be rude, but I want to know if it is okay for me to indicate on the invite that this function is for adults only. What is the proper way to say that without offending any of my guests? Please help, this is really bothering me!! I think that this is stressing me out more than the thought of giving birth!!!

Thanks in Advance
Kellie's Mommie
Memphis,TN

A I understand your concern, because it is considered bad manners to say anything negative on an invitation. For instance you might not say "No Children"; however, you might say, "Adults Only" in the lower left hand corner underneath your RSVP telephone number or/and email address. Then when the women RSVP, you can remind them that there won't be any children at the shower. You will need to be consistent because there are always a few mothers who will insist that "their" baby will sleep quietly in the carrier; however, you cannot make exceptions. Through word of mouth, the guests will get the word that it is an Adults Only party. Set your boundary and stick to it. Be consistent. If they give you any flack, say, "This shower is all about Amanda and her baby."

Entertaining: After-Dinner Drinks
Q My wife and I debate whether we need to serve after-dinner drinks at dinner parties. I say you have to pair after-dinner drinks with the dinner. She says nobody does that anymore and we should just offer them a cognac or port. What's the present etiquette?

A No longer are there rules for serving after-dinner drinks. Entertaining at home has gotten much more relaxed and rarely will you be at a dinner where the after-dinner drinks are paired with what you just ate. No longer do hosts serve dinner guests scotch or port after a dinner of beef, whiskey and cognac after chicken and pork, and whiskey following seafood. Guests are more apt to opt for a chocolate martini in a 6 ounce glass with a straight stem. Personally, I offer guests port and cognac with their after-dinner coffee. However, if you did go to the trouble of serving an haute cuisine meal pairing each course with a different wine, it would make sense to be consistent and do the same with the after dinner drink. On the other hand, if you've just served them meat loaf, chicken chili, curry or lasagne, you would then continue to offer beer or wine because liquers would seem pretentious. However, if it is someone's birthday, I will serve champagne with dessert no matter what I served for dinner.

Entertaining: Anniversary Party: Present
Q I have been invited to a 50th Wedding Anniversary Brunch via of phone call from the couple. Do you take a gift to a 50th Wedding Anniversary Brunch?

thank you

A By the time most couples celebrate their 50th anniversary, they are in the getting rid of "stuff" stage of life. Unless the couple are in need of "things," the best way to reciprocate is by inviting the couple for brunch, lunch or cocktails within a year of the occasion.

Entertaining: Anniversary: Group Gift
Q My husband and I are hosting our 50th wedding anniversary (catered affair, DJ/singer etc.). We have been asked about receiving a group gift from our condo friends who have been invited. This has made us uncomfortable. We were hoping all invited (friends & family) would do whatever they felt was appropriate for the occasion, individually. Obviously we're hoping for no dishes, vases, etc. We've reached a point where we give that stuff away. However, we have been asked by someone for a list of those invited from the condo to organize a group gift. We probably would have taken a nice vacation, cruise or the like if we hadn't decided to have this party, but plan to postpone that for now. Gifts will definitely be given (we would do the same) and we would prefer cash or a check to be used toward that future vacation; however, how do we handle this gracefully when we are put in the position to answer regards the "group gift of choice"? We're supposed to be thinking about what we'd like. We'll be approached about this in a matter of days and don't want to handle it incorrectly nor do we want to ask for something we really don't want...what a waste that would be! We have always given cash or a check as a gift when invited to a catered party to enable the recipient to do as they wish. Advice!!! HELP!!!

A Luckily, you and your husband are being asked to choose your gift. Explain that you don't need any more material things because you are at the stage in your lives where you're giving away a lot of your stuff. Say that you want the condo members to decide whether they should pool together and give a check to the charity of your choice, or give you a check to do with as you please when you decide how you're going to use it. That way you are saying that you want the money to be put to good use.

Ideally, you would want the condo group to pool together to give you a check without questioning how the money will be spent. Remember, you are not obligated to tell them how you use the money. Perhaps you can give a bit of it to your favorite charity and then use the remainder for your trip.

Entertaining: Anniversary: Invitation: Evites
Q My husband and I are planning a 25th Anniversary party to celebrate the occasion with our friends and family. Would it be proper to invite our guests by sending out an Evite invitation rather than mailing out the invitations?

Thanks so much!

A You certainly can send out evites for your 25th Anniversary party, as long you include an RSVP. Preferably an RSVP with a cut-off date, such as: Kindly RSVP by December 1st to JaneAdams@email.com. Before you decide to do this, you might want to figure out how many of your guests don't have email addresses and will have to be contacted directly.

In my opinion, if you opt to send an evite, it is fine to do so for, say, a cocktail party; however, if this is cocktails and dinner, you will have to get an accurate head count. If dinner is being served, you will want to follow up the evite with a paper reminder or actual invitation. Thereby, the evite would serve as a save-the-date with the invitation to follow shortly. This can be helpful in controlling your guest list because those who have prior commitments will let you know right away: "We're out of town for a wedding," or "We'll be on vacation," and if there is a conflicting event such as parents' night at school, or they're away for the three day weekend, or it is a religious holiday.

In my experience, evites are not taken as seriously as hardcopy paper invitations, so if it is important for you to have an exact headcount either for yourselves, the caterer, or the restaurant, you will want to follow up the evite with an actual invitation. Also, if the email address is not accurate or is no longer in use, you probably won't be notified that the evite wasn't received. Whereas, a paper envelope with a return address would be returned to sender. Remember, the last thing you want to have to do is to contact people at the last minute to find out why they didn't RSVP. Plus, the evite save-the-date heightens the drama by making the party seem extra special.

On the other hand, as you know, there are evites and there are evites. The evites where you can log in periodically to see who has accepted, who has regretted, and who is a maybe are fine for late night parties and cocktail parties that are essentially cattle calls; however, the part that is iffy, is the maybes. Do you really want people showing up that you hadn't counted on? Do you really want to prepare for all those maybes and have to pay for those who don't show up if a caterer or restaurant is involved?

Once again in my opinion, if this is a small or medium-size party and you want your guests to feel special, send them a paper invitation following the evite save-the-date, and if you go this route use an elegant paperless evite company such as paperlesspost.com, where the invitations are tasteful and the site doesn't encourage maybes or make your guest list available to the public.

So, as you can see, it is not just about being proper because there are so many factors involved when you are serving beverages and food and need an accurate head count. Lastly, remember that a good host wants to make her guests feel special.

Entertaining: Anniversary: Invitation: No Children
Q Dear Didi,
I am about to send out invitations to my husband's 40th birthday party. It will be on a Saturday night and we would like it to be all adults. We are hiring a babysitter to watch our 2 small children at a relative's house and want our guests to do the same. How do we relay that on our invite?

Thanks so much!
Jen

A Remember that you never want to say anything negative on an invitation because it sets a negative tone to the party. So you wouldn't say, "No children, please." You can, however, word the invitation and address the envelopes in a way that will make it clear to your guests that this is an adult party. Also, through word-of-mouth (and I am a huge believer in getting the word out through word-of-mouth) tell your friends that you are not inviting guests to bring their children for a number of reasons: you will not be accommodating any children, not even your own, because you don't feel children should be at parties where adults are drinking and, most importantly, you want your husband to have fun at his 40th birthday party.

Also, make it clear that everyone has to RSVP because you need an accurate head count. That way when someone tells you that they are bringing little Johnny, you can say that you are sorry but your children won't be at the party because it is an adults only party, which means there won't be any children's food, games or TV. Someone might snicker but, truth be told, most parents will be happy to have a grown-up night out.

Address the envelope to the names of the grown-ups:
Mr. and Mrs. Robert W. Brown
Their address
or
Amanda and Rob Brown
Their address

Remember that the return address on the envelope should be your name and address:
Mrs. George J. Foster (or Jennifer Foster)
Your address

You wouldn't have the return address say, "The Foster Family," because once you mention family, they'll bring their families.
Also, remember for a Saturday night party, you will want to mail the invitations at least a month in advance, which will give guests plenty of time to find a babysitter.

Insert your own information and center these lines on a card or e-vite:

Please join me to celebrate
George Foster's 40th Birthday
Saturday, September 7th
Cocktails: 7:00 PM
Dinner: 8:00 PM
672 Ocean Avenue
Newport

RSVP by September 1st to Jen Foster @ 401-846-1234 or
jenniferfoster@aol.com

Remember that no parent wants to be embarrassed by being the only guest who brought their child to your party, so get the word out that this party is all about your husband. Notice that the invitation is not worded "Please join us" because "us" could be interpreted as family. In England and Europe they deal with your problem by hand- writing the name of the family members that are being invited on the invitation. So if you are sending out paper invitations you would write on the upper left hand corner the first names of the guests you are inviting, for instance: Amanda and Rob

Entertaining: Announcement Mailing Schedule
Q When should announcements be mailed?

A It would depend what is being announced and the date of what is being announced. For instance, a Saturday date would need more lead time. If you would like to return to my Web site and give me some more information about what you are announcing, I would be happy to give you a proper answer. A very general answer would be one month.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Answering the Door Who Speaks First
Q When someone comes to your door, who is the first to greet, the person answering the door or the person that rang the doorbell?

A It depends upon the situation. If a lad rings your bell to ask if you would pay him to shovel your side walk, he might speak first. If you are expecting guests for dinner, you might open the door with a "Welcome, so glad you could make it, come in."

Entertaining: Applying Makeup While Dining
Q I am dating a woman that takes out her compact to apply blush or lipstick on one or more occasions during dinner in a restaurant. Is this proper etiquette while dining in a restaurant or should she excuse herself to do this in the women's restroom?

A Your woman friend should not tend to her makeup or hair at the dinner table. She should excuse herself from the table to reapply her makeup. The exception would be when a woman discreetly reapplies lipstick that has come off during the meal. However, in applying the lipstick she would not use a mirror and she would not use several different products on her lips one after the other, say, two colors of lipstick and then gloss. A colored gloss or one lipstick discreetly applied at the table after dining is fine. Etiquette is all about compromise; perhaps she can learn to be more discreet and excuse herself. How to make her change her habit? If it really annoys you, tell her that you are not used to dining with women who reapply their makeup at the dinner table, would she mind terribly excusing herself to go to the ladies' room? If the request is made in a jovial fashion, she might comply but since it is a habit, you might have to remind her again and again until she realizes that nobody wants to watch her reapplying her makeup; if she wants to please you, she will compromise.

Entertaining: Are Gifts Expected at Retirement Party
Q Are you suppose to bring gifts to a retirement party?


A No, you are not required to bring a present to a retirement party; however, you may feel like an old curmudgeon if you are the only one who shows up without a gift. You might want to send a card to the retiree to wish him well. Alternatively, books are an interesting and inexpensive gift, if you need a good gift.

Entertaining: Armory Gala: New York City: Music: DJ Tips
Q
Hey Didi, my name is Joe and I'm a New York City DJ. I have the honour of playing at a black-tie gala at the Park Ave armory in 2 weeks. It's my first time at such an event. Any tips on how to keep it edgy but appropriate! Thanks, jb

A A good DJ plays something for everyone. Listen to Benny Goodman, Buddy Rich, Count Basie, Dizzy Gillespie to get a feel for what the Park Avenue crowd are used to hearing when they dance. Alex Donner and Peter Duchin are two of the most popular of what are called "society band leaders." Most band leaders submit a list of most asked for numbers where the host checks off his favorites; you might want to ask the event chair, or your liaison with the group who is hosting the gala, for a list of must plays. That way you can do your thing, but you would know which oldies to incorporate.

My best advice is never to have silence, except when there is a speaker. If you have to take a break, then have someone fill in for you while you go on break. That's the sign of a really great DJ or band leader.

Lastly, at most galas in NYC you hear at least one of the following: Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York;" "New York State of Mind," song by either Billy Joel or Alicia Keys; and Ella Fitzgerald's, "I'll Take Manhattan." And, of course, the last song of the evening is usually a rendition of Lou Reed's "Good Night Ladies." Please, let me know if you come up with any others to recommend for a NYC gala. Thanks!

Entertaining: Asking for Party Presents
Q When hosting a party is it proper to ask for gifts and specify types?

A If you would please return to my Web site and ask the question again adding more specific information, I would be happy to give you a proper answer. I need to know if you are asking about a hostess gift or a shower present. Are you specifying a gift for yourself or for someone you are hosting a party in honor of, for instance a birthday party?

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Asking Guest to Remove Shoes
Q Is it proper to ask guests to remove their shoes when entering a home? What about an office party at someone's house?

A More and more you will find that guests are asked to remove their shoes either because there is light colored carpeting or softwood floors. I used to think it was silly, but now I am not so sure. A guest wearing very pointed high heels came for Thanksgiving and the next day we noticed indentations all around where she was seated before dinner and during dinner of her heel marks in our softwood floors. It will take a lot of sanding to smooth down those indentations. I have a 19th century house and 21st century spiked heals are no longer welcome. If you do have people take off their shoes, you might have a basket of colorful Chinese slippers beside the front door so that guests can trade their shoes for slides or slippers. I have even heard of hosts supplying surgical booties for guests to tie on over their shoes.

Entertaining: Asking Guests Not to Wear High Heels on Your Wood Floors
Q I am hosting a baby shower. I have expensive hardwoods in my house and don't want anyone to wear heels as it will damage my floors. How can I politely add on the evite not to wear heels or you'll need to remove them in the house?


A You never want to put anything negative on an invitation because it will send off a negative, uptight vibe. I'm curious, if you had soft wood floors you would worry about indentations in your floor from high heels, but you wrote you had hard wood, which wouldn't bend to the pressure of high heels?

If you don't want guests wearing high heels, then go to a an inexpensive Chinese export clothing store, or order online, lots of inexpensive silk, embroidered slip-on slippers. (You can use them as shower presents or save them for your next party.) Display them in an attractive basket next to the front door and your guests will get the hint, leave their shoes at the door, and happily wear the slippers.

Entertaining: Asking Guests to Take Off Shoes
Q Is it improper or impolite to ask guests to your house to remove their shoes upon entering?

A Yes, they are your guests. If you are really that fussy, you might find surgical booties in a medical supply store that you can ask guests to put on over their shoes, however, they may be dangerous over high heels. Alternatively, have a basket of chic ethnic slippers beside the front door and ask people to slip on a pair.

Entertaining: Asking People at the Last Moment to Self-Pay for Restaurant Dinner
Q I am having a dinner party at a restaurant for about 30 people after my college graduation. Should I or my parents pick up the tab or can everyone pay individually? Is it rude to have my guests pick up the tab?

A If you have invited people to join you for dinner at a restaurant, they are not expecting to pay for their meal so it would be awkward to have them presented with a check at the end of the evening because they may not be able to cover their share. Also, if you have already invited these people, they might have already gotten you a gift and you cannot expect them to pay for their dinner if they bought you a gift. If you cannot afford to pay for the dinner, then you need to tell the guests ahead of time that the dinner is "Dutch Treat" or "self-pay" and not to bring you a gift, that "In lieu of a gift, would you please pay for your own food and drinks." It is unfair to catch people off guard and embarrass them.

Entertaining: Aunt Hosts Shower for Niece
Q Can an aunt give a baby shower for her niece?

A By all means, I am sure your niece would greatly appreciate it if you would host a baby shower for her.

Entertaining: Baby Boomer Couple Wants Two Parties
Q If I threw my husband a surprise birthday party this Novemeber. Is it rude for him to throw me one in June? We want to celebrate the milestone we have both reached. I would like for my friends to party and have a good time. If he throws a party can he say no gifts please?

A Why not celebrate with one really nice birthday party since you would be inviting most of the same people to both parties? If you have your heart set on two parties, I admire your spirit. The rule is that you don't write "No Gifts" or "no" anything on an invitation because the negative words on invitations give off a negative vibe. People who can afford to bring presents will, others might rather write a thank-you note or send a birthday card. Through word of mouth to your friends you can spread the information that you do not want presents, but keep it off the invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower
Q My oldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild this spring. There are HUGE, extended families on both sides and also many, many, friends. The guest list is well over 100 people. My question is this, should we split the list and have two separate showers, say friends, and then relatives, or just have one big party and not worry about it? Money isn't as much of an issue as space and time management. I can't imagine having enough food and drink for everyone to sit and watch the gifts being opened!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

A How fortunate to have such a fun problem. If it were my family, and my daughter were having a baby in the spring, I would have a huge picnic outside and invite everyone. The food could be partially catered and you could hire college students for bartenders. With so many people, you would open presents, but you would designate a table on which people would place their gift upon arrival and the parents can open the gifts later.

Entertaining: Baby Shower + Babies
Q How can I properly address the issue of no children allowed at a baby shower?

A At the bottom of the baby shower invitation, under the RSVP, write: A sitter will be on hand to mind children under the age of two. Or you can plan the shower for a time when husbands would be more available to stay with their children. By putting mention of children under the RSVP, you will best be able to calculate how many children will be on hand.

Entertaining: Baby Shower After the Birth
Q Can you have a baby shower when the baby will be 8 months old and family and friends have already given when the baby was born?

A It would be better to wait until the baby has his or her first birthday and celebrate that with family and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Before or After Birth
Q Is it appropriate to throw baby shower before or after baby is born?

A You might do either, before or after.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Combined With Birthday
Q I am throwing a couples baby shower for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. We are also celebrating her 40th birthday, upon her request. So my invitation reads...
Scott and Ria have a baby on the way and Ria will celebrate a 40th bday. I think you are supposed to always put the woman first, but because she is mentioned twice, I wanted to make him feel special, too. Do you think the wording is proper for a baby shower?

A What a lovely idea. You composed the invitation perfectly. However, by word of mouth you might want to get the information out that only one present is expected. Because it is also your sister-in-law's birthday, you don't want people thinking that they have to buy her a birthday present as well as buy a present for the baby.

If I were you, I would not mention the 40th birthday on the invitation but I might have a huge birthday cake for your sister-in-law. That way the emphasis is on presents the expectant parents need for their baby. You have to remember that the more gifts you ask guests to provide in order to attend a party, the more watered down the gifts. So: you need to decide if it is better for them to receive one really nice baby gift or two token gifts, one for her 40th birthday and one for the baby. Not to worry about the dad feeling neglected because you can honor him by asking him to give the first toast. Be sure to ask him ahead of time so that he is prepared to make the first toast.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette
Q I'm planning on having a 'giving tree' at my baby shower instead of registering at a bunch of stores; how should I phrase this on the invitation?

A I am terribly sorry but I am not a huge fan of using baby showers to solicit money. Part of the activity and fun for many of the guests is the opening and passing around of the baby's gifts. To take that pleasure away from the guests doesn't leave them with much of a baby-oriented shower. If you are really that desperate for cash and do not need fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys for your baby, then you can put at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Guest List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A Only people the mother really likes and is comfortable with are invited to the baby shower. Do not invite people just because they are related or might find out and be hurt. The baby shower is all about the baby and pleasing the baby's mother. Traditionally, the mother's close women friends and family are invited to the baby shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Host
Q Is it considered bad manners to give my own daughter-in-law a baby shower for her 2nd baby which will be a boy? Her first child is an 11-yr-old girl.
Thank you

A Traditionally, family doesn't solicit gifts for family. Can you get a good friend to host the shower? If so, that would be better. You can help with the cost of the shower, but your name shouldn't be on the invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Lunch
Q Is it appopriate to include on a baby shower invitation that "luncheon will be served" as it will be a 1:00 pm shower time?

A If the shower time is from one o'clock to three o'clock, one would assume that you are serving lunch. If you want to be sure that guests know that they are being fed lunch, then you would call the shower a Baby Shower Luncheon in honor of .....

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Push Presents
Q Is it proper etiquette NOT to have a baby shower if you have a second child of the same gender that will be three years apart? I've never heard of someone NOT having a shower whether it be a second, third or fourth child regardless if they are of the same gender of not, however, was advised otherwise. Please advise.

A All babies deserve fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys. Sadly, baby gifts, nowadays called push presents, have gotten an unfair wrap. Showers are, also, a great way for young mothers to stay connected, network, and find support.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Host
Q My niece is pregnant, who throws the baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for the new baby by hosting a shower---but nowadays anything goes. If you or your niece's mother want to give her a shower, you certainly can; however, it might be better if you focus on camaraderie of friends and family and not put too much emphasis on the gift giving. Sometimes a friend of the baby's mother or a cousin will host the baby shower and the aunt or the baby's mother will pitch in behind the scene in order to assure the success.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Dad
Q What is proper etiquette for throwing a baby shower for a co-worker who is the dad? Do you invite the mom?

A Since the mom is carrying the baby for nine months, it might be appropriate to invite her. Even if this is a baby shower for the dad and only his co-workers are invited, the mom might like to feel connected to the people who have been generous in contributing gifts for the baby. However, the mom should not be pressured to attend. Personally, I would telephone the mom to tell her the plan and enlist her help. Also, you might want to ask her if she has registered for baby gifts, so that the baby's parents receive the things that they really need for their newborn.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Second Baby
Q My sister-in-law is having her second child within a 2 year period; should we host a second baby shower for her?

A No doubt she will appreciate a baby shower for her second baby because she will want fresh blankets and baby clothes.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Game Gifts
Q I am giving a baby shower. The gifts for the winners of the baby shower games, should they be baby gifts so they can be given to the mom or gifts for the person who wins?

A I am sorry but I am not familiar with baby shower games. I do know that often there will be party favors for the guests to take home: for instance, a cookie decorated with the baby's name. The baby shower is about the baby and the mother, not about impressing the guests.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Gifts When Baby Doesn't Make It
Q What do we do with baby shower gifts if the babies did not make it?

A Since the couple got pregnant once, it is likely that they will eventually have a baby. Save the presents and keep trying.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation
Q I am giving a baby shower for my daughter-in-law along with her mother at her mother's house. We are both sharing equal expense and work as far as decorations and food goes. I also have a couple of close friends, one of them the godmother, who are buying things and helping with making favors....exactly who should be listed on the invitation as "given by" without hurting anyone's feelings?
Thank you


A It might be nice to list the godmother on the invitation as a hostess, too; however, if you offered a toast to her praising the things she bought and the favors she made, that should suffice. It would really depend on what you and your daughter- in-law decide is fair. If she is responsible for a third of the labor and cost, she might be offended if she was not listed; however, if not, acknowledgment for her work would be fine.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q My daughter-in-law just gave a baby shower to another of my daughters-in-law - I am not giving another baby shower to the same person - should I invite the daughter-in-law that has already given a baby shower to my baby shower?

A Yes, do invite your daughter-in-law to the baby shower; she will surely appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q There will be two baby showers given for my daughter-in-law. One before by her sister and mother and one after, given by the husbands aunts. Should anyone besides the mothers/sisters of the couple be invited to both?

A The baby shower is in honor of your daughter-in-law so you need to communicate with her to ask her to give you a list starting with her most favorite people. Then when you figure out how many people you can afford to host, invite from the top of her list down.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A The parents of the baby might be asked to put together a list of their relatives and friends who they would like to have asked to the baby shower. You might give them a number to work with according to the space where you are holding the shower. If the shower is just for women, the mother of the baby would draw up her list from her closest women relatives and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation Plus Announcements
Q My sister is expecting her first baby. She is having a baby shower, but not inviting a ton of people. Is it ok to send an annoucement of where they are registered without an invite to the shower?

A In my opinion, the smaller the shower the better. It is fine to send out announcements but you would do so after the baby is born because you are announcing the baby's name, weight, height, and date of birth on the announcement. She can organize the announcement ahead of time and be ready to have it printed when she has that information. She would also include a photo of the baby and her return address on the envelope so that people can send her a gift or card. In my opinion, including registry information is really tacky. By word of mouth, you can get the word out where your sister is registered. If all of her friends are listing their registries, go ahead and do so, but I am not a huge fan.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invite Etiquette
Q My daughter who lives in Massachusetts is having a baby. A friend in Massachusetts is having a baby shower for her. I live in Iowa. We understand it is proper etiquette to invite the Mom's of the expectant couple to the baby shower even though they would not be attending because of traveling a great distance. But what about a sister-in-law that lives in Iowa. Should she also be invited or is it considered poor taste and does it appear to be looking for only a gift? This sister-in-law did help host a shower earlier for relatives in Iowa. Thanks for your assistance.


A Maybe the bride does not want to send the faraway sister-in-law an invitation because she does not want to seem as if she is fishing for a baby gift. Why don't you pick up the phone and talk to your daughter about the situation? I am sure she would appreciate your input. It may have never crossed your daughter's mind and certainly not the hostess of the shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Registry
Q Is it appropriate for me, as a Mom-to-be, to request that guests to my baby shower contribute to my registry rather than bring actual gifts? If so, how should this be worded on the invitation? Thank you.

A Personally, I am a big fan of "the word-of-mouth" in delicate situations such as this. If you tell two good friends where you are registered, they will tell at least two people and they in turn will tell at least two people. Nowadays, the hostess might state at the bottom of the invitation to your shower: Susan is registered at such-and-such.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Return Address
Q I've been helping to plan my baby shower since my mom and my husband's niece are hosting the shower. They don't know each other as well, so I am the go-between. I have probably been doing too much, but I don't mind. We are also having the shower at my house since it is the biggest and we won't have to transport the presents afterwards.

My question is: My husband's niece wants to put my address as the return address on the invitations. I feel this makes it seem like I am giving the shower for myself since we are already having it at our house. Will people think it's tacky that my address is the return address? What is the proper etiquette?


A It does not matter if the return address is your address because the invitations are being sent to your friends and the party is at your house. My concern is who is handling the RSVPs because the RSVP should either be to your mother's telephone or email or your niece's. Both of their names should be on the invitation so they get full credit for hosting the party for you. Why not have the return address be your mother's address?

Entertaining: Baby Shower: For Cousins: Gift Giving
Q I am co-hosting with the other 2 grandmothers, a baby shower for both my daughter-in-law and her sister who are due within weeks of each other. What is the appropriate amount I should spend on my daughter-in-law's sister's baby gift? Should I keep the gifts for the two of them of the same value at the shower? I was at a baby shower of a friend and felt uncomfortable when the grandmother-to-be gave an unending boxed gift of baby clothing. It made the rest of the gifts given by the attendees seem insignificant. I understood her zeal but felt she could have done this in private with her daughter-in-law. I don't want to create that kind of feeling but don't want to do too little either. Help!

A Buy them both presents of equal quality shower presents. Then when your grandchild is born, you can buy another present for the newborn. Why don't you discuss this with your daughter-in-law? Tell her about your sensitivity to the situation and say you will buy gifts of equal quality for the shower, but that you want to give her something special aside from the shower gift for the baby. Ask her for a couple of suggestions of items she might need. I'm sure she will appreciate your asking her what she needs.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Gift Certificate Instead of Baby Registry
Q We are expecting our first baby this fall and a few friends are hosting a baby shower for around 50 friends. How do we ask for gift certificates to baby stores instead of signing up for a baby registery?

A If the parents have not filled out a baby registry anywhere, then the guests will not be able to access a baby registry. Through word of mouth, you can get the word out that gift certificates to baby stores are the parents' preference. The RSVP should be directed to one of the hosts and that person would put the word out. Because you haven't registered, when the person calls to accept the invitation they will ask if there is a baby registry. The friend will respond by saying no there isn't and then she will explain to the guest that you are not registered anywhere but a gift certificate to any baby store would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hosted by Out-Of-Town Sister-In-Law
Q My sister-in law -s having her first baby and nobody near her is throwing her a shower. I feel bad and want to do something, but I live out-of-state. I figured I could drive the few hours and have one for her, but I would have to do so in a restaurant. I can't afford to pay for everyone, so how should I word the invitation. Should I even throw the shower?

A Telephone your sister-in-law and really chat her up; ask her about her support group of friends who are either also pregnant; who is her best friend at work; who just had a baby. Then tell your sister-in-law that you really, really want to host a shower for her but since you don't live nearby, could she suggest one of her friends who might be up to co-hosting a shower in her house. Then call that person, introduce yourself, and tell her that you would like her to host the shower with you. The reason that you need to enlist your sister-in-law's help is because she will know who has the space, the time, and the goodwill to co-host. She might have a friend who would love to give her a shower, but just doesn't want to do it alone. Most showers are hosted by more than one person because it is far more fun and there is less pressure since the responsibilities are shared. The friend that you call might know of someone else that would like to also co-host. It is so nice of you to want to do this for your sister-in-law and I want you to work this out; your heart is in the right place. In my opinion, showers in restaurants are usually not as much fun as those in a private house or apartment. You want your sister-in-law to be relaxed, to put her feet up, and have fun with her friends; that's hard to do in a restaurant situation. You won't know until you start calling around that perhaps a couple of her friends would like to be on the host list. That way the responsibilities can be divided between the friends; as you all work as a team, that team becomes the team that inevitably steps in and pitches in to support your sister-in-law when she brings her new baby home. That's really what you are doing here; brilliant of you. It is not just about the shower, it is about creating the support group that she might need from time to time. What a great sister-in-law you are!

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess
Q Should a mother-in-law give a daughter-in-law a baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family, but if you wish to give a shower, mothers-in-law give them all the time but make sure that you only invite people who are on her guest list. Don't add names to her guest list without consulting her first. The guest list is at the discretion of the baby's mother.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess Gift
Q Is it necessary to give the host of a baby shower a gift and if so, what type of gift is appropriate?

A It depends upon who you are in relation to the situation. If you are a guest, you would only give a gift to the mother for the baby and then send the hostess a thank-you note. If you are the mother-to-be, then you might give your hostess a plant for her garden, a gift certificate at her local book store, or send flowers for the shower followed up with a handwritten thank-you note.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invitation: Not Inviting Children
Q We are throwing a baby shower for a freind who is expecting twins and on the invitation we are asking that no one brings their children. We want to use a clever way to say this on the invites so no one has hurt feelings about their children being unwelcome.
Thanks so much,
Tina



A You're right to want to be upbeat on an invitation, but when you have to set boundaries, it is a delicate situation. Your intentions are good, you want the shower to be all about the new mother. There are a couple ways that you can do this without having the bad vibe "No Children" spelled out on the invitation. Make sure that you schedule the shower at a convenient time for guests with small children. Why not ask several of those mothers who might bring a child to the shower, if not instructed not to, "What day and time would work for you in terms of being able to attend without little Harry, because we want to make it easy for you to have a good time"? Say that there won't be anything for children at the party, so you are not inviting kids. Then once you've figured out the best time, through word of mouth and an invitation, get the word out. When guests call or email you to RSVP, respond accordingly: "I just need to remind you that we're not inviting kids, because we won't be having anything for them in terms of food or entertainment (and my apartment isn't childproofed)." Then you say, "You wouldn't want Harry to be the only kid at a grown-up party."

Additionally, you could design an invitation that says:

Please come and join us
for Laura's last grown-up time
at a Baby Shower for twins
Sunday, October 29th
at six o'clock

RSVP Alice Ross #000-000-1234

You will find that if you schedule the shower at lunchtime (when kids are in school) or at cocktail time (when moms are more apt to have help at home), your guests will be happy to have a bit of grown-up time with friends. Then once you've made it a grown-up party, be sure to have wine on hand for moms who are not pregnant. For stay-at-home moms, mornings might be better; if most of the guests work, weekends will be better.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invitations: To People Who Cannot Attend
Q Should invitations to a wedding or baby shower be sent to family members and friends living a great distance from the shower location when there is little chance they can attend?
Is it okay to send invitations to some of those relatives that one feels closer to - but not to others in the family who have not been close?

A Usually when you know people who will not be able to attend a shower because they live too far away, you send a birth announcement with a photo of the baby. That way you are not asking for a shower present. Sending them an invitation to a shower they can't attend seems like a push for a present. Sending a lovely announcement with the name, birth date, weight, height, and photo of the baby is a show of affection to the recipient.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invtitation: Out of Town Guests
Q Do you invite out of state guests to a baby shower?

A If you know that the out of town guests most likely will not be able to attend the baby shower, but you still want to include the person, you would send a birth announcement with a photo of the newborn. The birth announcement would have the name, date of birth, and weight of the baby, along with the parents' names and sometimes even the names of any siblings. Most people who receive birth announcements will send a baby present. However, do not include on the announcement any reference to a baby registry.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invtivation List
Q Since my daughter-in-law does not have a friend to host a baby shower, as her mother-in-law, I decided to host one for her. My son and she want to have a couples shower. The list of guests has risen to 50 people. Would it be impolite for me to have her pare down the list? I am hosting the gathering at a restaurant.

Thank you!
Kathy

A In my opinion, family doesn't solicit gifts for family. Ideally, you would ask a good friend, or friends, of yours to host the baby shower and you would offer to pay the expense. Since it sounds as if you have already made plans, by all means go ahead with them.

Although, you need to quickly establish the boundaries for the baby shower. The most important being to establish a budget and deciding after fixing on a budget how many guests that budget allows you to invite. If the invitations have not already been sent, you can certainly specify how many guests you are willing to host.

I know that you probably know this, but I do want to remind you that just because your son and his wife want to invite 50 guests doesn't mean that 50 will attend. If two-thirds of the guests show up, that would be a good showing. Often, especially when a party requires the guest to buy a gift, more people will regret. So, in fact, you might end up with 35 guests. It is always safe to over-invite because if you are paying the restaurant for 35 people and only 25 show up, you might not get a refund because the restaurant will have made the food ahead of time.

The short answer to your very good question is that, if you didn't give your daughter-in-law a total number of people to invite, you need to do that quickly. If having to do that is difficult for you, then take heart in knowing that only two-thirds of those whom you invite will actually accept your kind invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Listing All the Hostesses
Q I am having a baby shower with 17 hostesses! Do I have to list all of their names on the invitations? I was not planning on putting hosted by, but when I mentioned that to a couple of cousins they seemed extremely offended and said I would be offending the hostesses.

A It sounds as if you need to list all the hostesses in order to make everyone happy.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Out-Of-Town Guests
Q Is it proper to invite people to a shower that you know will not be able to attend due to distance?

A To people who live at a distance whom you know will not be able to attend, the mother would send a birth announcement after the baby is born with the name, weight and date of birthday, along with a photo of the newborn. The mother's name and return address are in the upper right hand corner of the envelope, if the recipient wishes to send a baby present.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Seeking Gifts from Out of Town Friends
Q My friend is new in town and having her second baby. I wanted to throw her a small baby shower here. But all of her friends are out-of-state. I know they can't attend the shower, but I'd like to invite them to send a gift card to help my friend out in her new home with her new baby. How would I word the invitation?

A It is very kind of you to want to help your friend and I believe that all second babies deserve fresh clothing and linens; however, I would advise you to do this differently. Have an announcement ready to send out to all her friends out-of-state on one of the online stationery companies, such as paperlesspost.com, and add the baby's birth date, name, weight, height, and photo once it is born. That way you are giving her friends a gentle and charming reminder that this new baby needs attention, but you're not embarrassing your friend by pushing for presents by asking for gift cards.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: When the Family Will Be Living in Another State
Q Didi---
I am giving a baby shower for a couple who live out of state. They will both be attending the shower but cannot carry many gifts back to their home. Soooo---guests need to mail and/or ship their gifts to the home of the expectant parents. But---I would like the guests to have something to open here so I would like each guest to bring a facsimile of the gift they chose. Also---I would like each guest to bring something small for the baby that can be carried in a suitcase when the parents return home.
I am hopeful I have provided adequate information that will allow you to provide assistance.
Thank you so much-
Pat

A Oh, dear, you are asking way too much of your guests. I'm sorry but I'm not a big fan of pushing for presents. You need to figure out how to simplify the gift because asking for more than one gift, even if the second one is a facsimile, is asking them to do one more thing. It seems the parents want presents but they don't want the hassle of having to take the presents home with them.

If I were you, I would suggest they use a website such as diapers.com or buybuybaby.com where they can fill out a registry for the baby with all the presents being sent directly to the home where the baby will be residing. Then at the baby shower, to save the guests from the agony of having to come up with a facsimile, you could play charades and have guests act out the present they sent from the baby registry.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Who Hosts: Out-of-Town Family + Friends
Q My mother-in-law has told me it is not proper etiquette to send baby shower invitations to her side of the family and friends because they will not be able to attend and that I would only be asking them for gifts which is not proper .My husband and I feel that you should invite all family members and friends no matter where they live. She also told me my mother should not be the one to give me a shower. I was wondering who should be sent invitations and who should not and also wondering who should be throwing me a shower. My mother is the one who wants to do so. Is there certain rules to follow when giving a baby shower? Please help me. My mother-in-law thinks she knows everything and I would like to do what is right and not offend anyone. My baby is due in March and this is supposed to be a joyous time not a stressful time. Thank you for any advice you can give me.

A In some circles it is considered tacky for family to solicit gifts for family. The theory being that family and friend would be giving the baby gifts without provocation of a family member having to host a party. If your mother-in-law's family and friends subscribe to that rule, then don't push her buttons. She has stated her opinion. It sounds as though she clearly feels that if you do it her way, you will get just as many presents and it won't be humiliating for the family.

That said, your mother can certainly be a silent host in terms of organizing and contributing, but it would be better, under the circumstances, if you had a friend, or even second cousin, host the baby shower with your mother's help. You could control the guest list and your mother can do the food and favors, and your friend can be the hostess. Alternatively, two or three good friends could get together to host and share the cost, preparation, and cleanup. You can even be candid with your best friend and tell her that your mother wants to host your baby shower, but your mother-in-law doesn't think family should solicit gifts for family. Your friend will understand.

The invitation would come from a friend instead of a family member, but the shower could be held at your mother's home. The RSVP would be to the person who sent the invitation, as she would be the hostess. You and the host would make up the invitation list, and you would supply her with the addresses and zip codes, or e-mail addresses. It's best not to text an invitation because it can too easily be forgotten.

In the end, it won't matter that your mother helped with the shower, whether she makes the tea sandwiches and cookies or takes charge of the favors, because what everyone will remember is how gracefully everyone came together to celebrate the birth of your baby.

As to out-of-town guests whom you know won't come from afar for the shower, make a separate list of those people. You can even get a short list from your mother-in-law. Then go online to one of the stationer/invitation sites and design a birth announcement that you have ready to send after the baby is born when you can fill in the name, date, weight and length at birth. You can even add a photo of your new born. Have that all ready to send to anyone who contributed to or attended the shower, as well as to those who are far away. Those out-of-towners will be moved to send you a gift or card, if you send them a birth announcement. Especially if there is a photo. Try looking at sites such as paperlesspost.com, or any online stationery site, for ideas as to how you would like to do this. For those who attended your shower, the announcement can also serve as a thank-you note, if you do a paper announcement where you can write a couple of lines about how much you enjoyed seeing them at your shower, etc.

Fortunately, you have time to plan the shower and design the birth announcement. The first thing you have to do is to find a location for the shower, or if it's at your mother's house, a host or two to be the hostesses.

Entertaining: Baby Showers
Q Is it proper for a young lady to host a baby shower for her sister? The mother-to-be lives out-of-state, and her sister would like to host a shower where she lives for the mother-to-be's relatives and friends.

A I am sorry, but you are not going to like my answer because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. It would be better to have one of the friends give the shower, and the sister can help subsidize the shower and supply the guest list. In a situation such as this, you would either wait until the sister and her baby visit and have the shower then, or the sister would send birth announcements with a photo of her baby enclosed to those at home. It wasn't crystal-clear to me whether the mother-to- be would be attending the shower, which is why I have given you the alternative solutions.

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Second + Third
Q Hi Didi. Is it proper to have a baby shower for 2nd or 3rd babies? I wasn't sure if you should just hold a baby shower for the first born or a second if they have one. Thank you.

A All babies deserve fresh linens and clothing. The problem is not in whether a shower can be given for a second and third baby, but who hosts the shower. Customarily, close family does not solicit gifts for the baby. So, it is best to have a close friend or, say, a cousin, host the baby shower whether it is in honor of baby number one, two, or three. Be sure that the baby shower focuses in on the camaraderie of the event as opposed to the "booty."

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Thank-You Notes
Q Sending thank-you notes for a baby shower, is it necessary?

A If you were a guest at the baby shower, you do not need to send a thank-you note to the hostess who hosted the baby shower; however, you might telephone her to tell her that you enjoyed yourself and you did a lovely job hosting the shower. If you are the mother and the shower was in your honor, you would send handwritten thank-you notes to the hostess and to all those who gave gifts for your baby.

Entertaining: Bachelor Reciprocating Dinner
Q I'm a single chap of 56, recently divorced, who's moved to a small village. One couple has made me very welcome and has already invited me around for a meal. I would like to reciprocate but my cottage is tiny and besides I can't cook to save my life! Do you think I should just forget about having them round or are they expecting to be invited? Please advise me.

A You can reciprocate by asking the couple to join you for drinks at a local pub or bar that serves a light fare, such as hamburgers. Just call them up and say, "I'm not much of a cook, but I would like to treat you to a beer and hamburgers at the Black Pearl, what would be a good day and time for you and I'll meet you there?"

Arrive early and set up a tab. After seeing what you've ordered, the couple will order in the same price category.

As you will be treating two and they only had to feed one, they will certainly ask you for dinner again, to which you do not have to reciprocate, but of course you can.

Entertaining: Baptism for Twins: Invitation
Q Hello I am making an invitation for twin baby baptism - a boy and a girl. Which name goes first on the invite, the boy or the girl?

A You would list them according to the birth order. If the boy was born first, then you would list his name first.

Since I'm a huge fan of ladies first, I might put her first name first. Nevertheless, since there is no law carved in stone, you could list them as you like.

Entertaining: Baptism Guests
Q Who should you invite to a baptisim, everybody you know or just a few close relatives?

A A baptism is a deeply religious yet joyous occasion to celebrate your baby with close friends and relatives. Traditionally, you would invite the godparents and their spouses for lunch afterwards, along with the child's guardian and any close friends. You would probably feel the most comfortable inviting anyone who was especially kind and caring to you during your pregnancy and who showed a particular interest in the child. You probably would not call up someone on the phone out of the blue and say, "Hey, I just had a baby would you like to come to the baptism?" because it might sound as if you were soliciting for a gift. If you had a baby shower, you would invite the hostess and guests who attended the shower.

Entertaining: Baptism Party: Dress Code: Baby
Q My baby is being baptized on Oct 17 in Napa Valley CA. I have a very beautiful seersucker short-all that I want him to wear after the baptism at the baptism party. Is it okay to put the baby in seersucker in Oct. in California? Given it is a warm day?
Thanks!
Angela Nelson

A Weather in the Napa Valley can be variable in mid-October. It would be best to have a slightly warmer alternative, should the day be dark or blustery. The seersucker short-all should be fine on a warm sunny day, but it would be best to have a long-sleeved cotton sweater on hand in case the facility where the baptism party is taking place is air conditioned.

Entertaining: Bar + Bat Mitzvah Present Cost
Q Our son will most likely be invited to 30 or so bar and bat mitzvahs within the next year. What would an appropriate amount of money be for kids we don't know? Good friends? Best friends? If we're invited as well as our son?

A Customarily, the gift might consist of a gift certificate in the amount of one hundred dollars to a clothing or music store. Figure such celebrations cost the parents one hundred dollars, at least, per guest. So: for each guest there might be a hundred dollar gift certificate. If you would rather give one gift as a family, a savings bond in the child's name is also an acceptable gift; just remember to order the savings bond well ahead of time. If you cannot afford to spend this much, you don't have to. Parents understand that when there are so many bar and bat mitzvahs that the expense to the guest families is huge, so spend only what you feel you can afford.

Entertaining: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Etiquette
Q What is good etiquette for a non-Jewish guest at a bar mitzvah?

A Your host and hostess will be tuned into the fact that some of their guests are not Jewish and you will be instructed accordingly. Watch what other people are doing and follow the lead of the host and hostess. Be sure to send the teenager a present that costs approximately the value of what the host and hostess spend on each guest. So: if you think your seated dinner cost $150., then your gift or gift certificate might reflect that cost.

It is important to attend the deeply religious ceremony at the temple because the child has been studying his lessons for months and memorized his recitation. If a man does not have a yarmulka, he will be offered a skullcap to wear when entering the synagogue. After the ceremony often the congregation meets to congratulate the new member before going on to a seated luncheon or formal dinner. So, be prepared for a service that might last up to three hours, but under no circumstances can a guest bypass the ceremony and just attend the reception. The formal dinner might be quite dressy, so dress accordingly; however, you would want to have your arms properly covered while you are in the temple.

Entertaining: Bar Mitvahs Are Not a Booty Call
Q My sister had a bar mitvah for her son. One of the guests gave a gift on behalf of her family, which included a married son and a 25 year old son who is a lawyer. All recieved their own invitations to the event. We did not think this was appropriate. What are you thoughts? Should my sister have said anything? How should this be handled in the future?

A Appreciate and accept all gifts gratefully and gracefully. People do the best they can and when they receive a social bid to attend a bar mitzvah, they respond to the best of their ability. Bar mitzvahs are a religious celebration, not a booty call. You ladies should be ashamed of yourselves, think of the petty example you are setting for your children. Let it go.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Etiquette: Reciprocation
Q My son is friends with a few kids who have invited our entire family to their Bar Mitzvah party. We are not social friends. Are we obligated to invite the families to our son's Bar Mitzvah?

Do we need to invite people we carpool with but do not otherwise socialize with?

Thank you.

A If your kids attend their Bar Mitzvah party, then you would reciprocate by inviting those same kids to your son's Bar Mitzvah. But not to worry, you don't have to invite the kids' parents. You can, but you don't have to invite them. However, you do have to invite the kids.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Invitation When Parents Are Divorced
Q Our divorced son is planning a Bar Mitzvah for his son. Our son is paying for the entire affair. Our son has joint custody of his children but his ex-wife is not sharing in the expense of the affair. How does he word the invitation?

A If the mother was estranged from her son and your son had custody of his son, then your son's ex-wife's would not have to appear on the invitation. However, if the boy's mother has joint custody and therefore is a part of her son's life, then both parents' names would appear on the invitation but not necessarily on the same line. So: the first line of the invitation would have the mother's given name, maiden name, and last name, preceded by Mrs.

Mrs. Amanda Ross Asher
Mr. Richard Levine Asher
request the honour of your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah of their son

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah: Dress Code: Cocktail Attire
Q I am going to a Bar Mitzvah and would like to wear black slacks and a nice blouse. If I choose to wear a dress is it appropriate to wear tights instead of hose, it's cocktail attire, I just don't know what to wear they are all from NY


A You would wear a well-made cocktail dress that falls to your knee, with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch. For the sacred service, you would wear a a nice dress, not pants. Tights can look think and opaque; look for legwear that has a bit of shimmer to it to dress up your legs.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah: Father Remarried
Q What is the proper verbiage on a Bar Mitzvah invitation when the parents are divorced? The man is remarried. Should she be included on the invitation?









A It would depend if the stepmother was part of the child's life. For instance, if the child had known her most of his life, or even half of his life, and spends weekends and vacations with her, or if the father has custody, then she is a big part of his life. Why not ask the child, it is his special sacred day and he should have a say in the invitation.

Assuming everyone is on good terms, this is how the invitation would be worded:

Mrs. Bernice Jasper
and
Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Jasper
request your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah
of their son
David
Touro Synagogue
Newport
etc.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah: Invitation: Sunday Brunch
Q My son is being bar mitzvahed in March of 2012. We are paying for the Saturday ceremony and the party that night. There will be a large number of guests from out-of-town and several will not be invited to a Friday night family dinner (which we aren't paying for) as well as a Sunday brunch (which we aren't paying for). We are limited in the guests we can invite to continue the celebration at the brunch and not all out-of-town guests can be invited. Is there an etiquette rule I am breaking here?

A The grownups are grown up and will understand when they are not invited to the family dinner or post-brunch. Most will have been in your position or familiar with it. There isn't a rule that you're breaking, you've just missed the point of the brunch. The Sunday brunch is to thank out-of-town guests, because they have incurred travel and accommodation expenses (plus bought a present). You invite all the out-of-town guests to the brunch to thank them for their efforts.

Your problem is that bar mitzvah guests will chat amongst themselves. If you invite one out-of-town family and not another, they will know you are missing the purpose of the post bar mitzvah brunch. It would be better to invite all the out-of-town guests first and see how many accept before inviting local friends. Your A-List for the brunch are the out-of-town guests, relatives, and closest friends, your B-List are those who have not traveled to attend the bar mitzvah. Keep in mind that a lesser percent of the out-of-town guests will be able to accept the bar mitzvah; anywhere from two-thirds to three-fourths invited will accept the main event. By abiding by the boundaries of inviting out-of-town guests and close family and friends to the brunch first, other locals will understand that the out-of-town guests deserve an additional thank-you for their efforts. The exception would be locals who are putting up (housing) out-of-town guests; you would invite all sub-hosts to the brunch to thank them. Don't worry, you'll find when all the replies have come in that many out-of-towners will either be leaving too early to attend the brunch or regretting the weekend altogether. Remember, the later in the morning the start time of the brunch, the fewer out-of-towners will attend.

By focusing the brunch on the out-of-towners, you have an established reason why you cannot invite all the locals. People will understand. Certainly no local would feel hurt or left out because they might rather be playing golf anyway.

Entertaining: Bartender at Home Party and Tips
Q At a home cocktail party, is it permissable for the bartender to have a tip cup?

A No, if you have hired the bartender, you are paying him by the hour and he would not be allowed to solicit tips.

Entertaining: Bat Mitzvah Guest Wants Date
Q I am having a Bat Mitzvah for my daughter. I have limited space for the evening affair. I have invited family, friends and my daughter's friends. I invited about 10 single guests, some with dates and some not. Those whom I have invited with dates are engaged, have a serious relationship or dating someone. One of my girlfriends who has been separated for about 2 months is very upset I did not invite her with a date. She is not divorced as of yet and has not started dating. I explained to her that I have limited space and, if I invited dates with all the single people who are not in relationships, I would have to take someone off my list whom I want to be there and whom I care about, in order for her to bring a stranger I do not know. She told me that she is hurt, that I should read an etiquette book and that if I was a good friend, I would care about her happiness at the party. I replied that if she was a friend, she would realize that this party is not about her and she should come how she is invited and be there to enjoy this special celebration in my life. Am I wrong?

A You need to remind your friend that the Bat Mitzvah is about your daughter and that it is not a matchmaking social situation. Tell her that as soon as her lawyer gives her the go ahead and she can be seen dating in public, you will set her up with a date. Don't let her bully you.

Entertaining: BBQ Barbecue Pot Luck or Present
Q If invited to a birthday BBQ and host asks you to bring a side dish...is this proper? My sister-in-law says it's rude. I was always taught if a meal is being served, do not go empty handed. Which is correct?

A You are both right. It depends upon the situation. It is better to entertain and ask people to help out then to never entertain at all because you cannot afford to do so, or you do not have the time to do all the work yourself. When asking people to contribute to the meal, the host needs to communicate with the guest to get a feel for what they are willing to contribute. For instance if so-and-so makes fabulous potato salad or deviled eggs, ask her to bring enough for a certain amount of people. If you do not have a suggestion, then give the guest an option of bringing cookies from a bakery or a bottle of wine. In theory, if you are inviting people to a birthday party and asking them to bring food, you cannot expect the guest to bring both food and a present. So, if you bring food, you do not need also to bring a birthday gift because the food is your gift. However, if you opt not to bring food, you might want to bring a birthday present. So: do not go empty handed. Perhaps you might communicate with the host and say, "I have a special birthday present in mind for you, would you rather I bring a side dish or the special present?"

Entertaining: Birthday for Ninety-Year-Old Mom
Q I am planning a 90th birthday celebration for my Mom. She is in alot of organizations. I have narrowed it down to her remiaing high school classmates, her local college alumnae group, her sorority, her former students from the small rural high school where she taught, her church members and close friends and community people that have impacted on her when I am visiting her at home. This is getting expensive. Do I have to invite the spouses of members of the sorority and college alumnae group since these are all female organizations? I am aware that a formal invitation (such as a wedding) would require that the spouses be invited. Does it hold true for informal situations?
Treda

A Whether or not you invite the spouses or partners, largely depends upon the venue of the party and the nature of your mother's acquaintances. For instance, if it is a tea party, you could make it a ladies' tea, then some of the ladies who are used to being driven by their husbands can carpool. If it is an evening party, you might find that most of the older people will want to bring an escort, or driver, and that most of the younger people will want to bring their spouse, partner or date. If you really want to control the numbers, you might have a ladies' lunch with an RSVP. On the envelope you would write just the name of the person whom you are inviting; for instance, Mrs. John Smith. That way Mrs. Smith will know that she is invited but her husband is not. The other route is to make it an old-fashioned garden party with a bar and tea sandwiches, cookies and other finger food set out on a table. That way people will "stop by to show their face (or to show their respect)," with or without their spouse. Remember that if you have an RSVP, and you only address the envelope to one spouse, you are making it crystal-clear that just that person is invited. By word of mouth, the word will get out that, for instance, it is a Ladies Garden Party, tea or luncheon. If the invitation is for a "Cocktail buffet," it is more than likely that the person will want their spouse to accompany him or her. Since I don't know your mum or the location and time of the party, I would recommend that you hold it in the afternoon. Most older people tend to "sundown" around three o'clock, meaning that by six, they are basically too tired and are really only interested in having dinner and going to bed. A lot of older people also have trouble driving after dark. If your mother was active in her church, why not have a simple buffet luncheon after church, that way most of the guests are dressed appropriately and are out and about anyway.

Entertaining: Birthday Gift for Fifty-Year-Old Woman
Q What do you give someone (her) for a surprise 50th Birthday? This person is not a close friend but is a friend of the family.

A Most people at that age are getting rid of "stuff." Why not give her a small box of lovely, handcrafted chocolates. Artisan chocolates are usually packaged chicly, so you will not have to bother to wrap the box. No more than fifteen pieces. Another nice gift is a box of handmade soaps. If you know her taste in music, a CD; or what she likes to read, a book.

Entertaining: Birthday Gifts for Triplets
Q I have five-year-old triplet boys who are wanting to have a party for their sixth birthday to which they can invite their friends. Until now their parties have included only family. They are in separate classes and don't have all the same friends; however, I didn't want to send out separate invitations for each child because if one doesn't get the same number of gifts as the other(s), there will definitely be hurt feelings. I know they have to learn that things aren't always fair and equal but I'd rather it be at another time. All three of them do not always get invited to the same parties and they deal with it ok but I don't think this would be the same. My question concerns the gifts. I would prefer that gifts be limited to one gift for all three of the boys. I would like for guests to spend only what they would for a single gift and then put all three of the boys names on the gift. I know that having all three of the boys' names on the invitation will make people think they should bring three separate gifts, even if their child doesn't know but one of them.

Is it inappropriate to put all three names on all the invitations and note on the invitation that three individual gifts are not necessary? Also, how can this be worded so they don't feel they need to buy one expensive gift? I don't want to alienate the families of any of the boys' friends. I know from my baby shower experiences that some people get upset at the idea of giving three gifts. I wanted the invitations to my baby showers to note that three gifts were not necessary; however, the people hosting the parties didn't want to do that. Remarks were made about the number of items on gift registries and I was accused of expecting too much. Feelings were hurt and friends were lost. My boys have to go to school with the other children so I don't want to risk getting their feelings hurt.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Carol Odom
codom@insightbb.com

A All three names should be on the invitations. You might include a sentence such as this on the invitation: Less is more for Bill, Jake, and Max, who will be happy with just one gift to share between the three of them.

Entertaining: Birthday Party at a Restuarant Who Pays
Q When invited to a birthday party at a resturant, who should pay for dinner?

A The person who does the inviting pays for the guests. The exception would be if the person is "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" birthday party, as opposed to "giving" a birthday party.

Entertaining: Birthday Party: Dress Code: Glamorous: Wine + Polo Estate: Summer: Evening:
Q We have been invited to the birthday party of a friend who also happens to be a celebrity. The event will take place at a wine and polo estate on a Saturday evening in summer. On the invitation, it merely states dress: Glamorous. What should a lady as well as a gentleman wear to such an occasion? Evening dress? Cocktail dress? Jewels?

A For men the dress code Glamorous means spiffy casual: Smart fashionable clothing, no sportswear. A jacket or designer jacket, although denim should be avoided; collared shirt, and good quality shoes. Well-made good quality clothing is always glamorous.

A woman would wear a glamorous knee-length cocktail dress or an evening dress, with beautiful shoes. The later in the day, the dressier the dress and the more jewels adorned. She would not, however, wear a ball gown and a tiara because she wouldn't want to look as though she had dressed for a costume party. Looking glamorous has as much to do with self-confidence. It is being able to wear something chic (new or edgy) combined with the classics. For instance nothing is more glamorous than wearing an elegant fascinator (a fashionable headband) or very long gloves, and carrying a exquisite, interesting evening bag. But as you know, whether you're a man or woman, the best clothing and jewels don't count without good grooming.

Entertaining: Birthday Present Eitquette
Q When should you open presents at a birthday dinner?

A It would depend upon the age of the birthday person and the total venue of the party. It would be far too stimulating to open gifts at a todlder's birthday party, because the guests might have a hard time letting go of the gifts they gave. I am not a huge fan or opening any kind of gifts at a party. The older the guests, the less interested they tend to be in sitting around watching the birthday person pretend that he likes the gift. Put the gifts away and save them to open until after the guests have gone home. Also, it makes those who have not brought a present uncomfortable to sit through such a scene, and don't forget: it is the host's job to make sure that all of his or her guests are comfortable. If the opening of the presents is the only event you have going for you at the party, then open them after the cake has been served.

Entertaining: Black Linen Napkins
Q Dined at a restaurant last weekend. Hostess asked if we would prefer black napkins instead of the white that were on the table. Both me and my husband were wearing black that evening. Why did they ask if we prefer black napkins?

A When not high quality linen and new, white napkins shed. I've found a black skirt covered with white lint several times at the end of a meal. It sounds as if the restaurant has had several complaints about their new napkins from people wearing black and are giving diners the option of a black napkin.

Entertaining: Black Tie Gala: Dress Code: Black Tie-White Dinner Jacket Optional + Glamorous Gowns-Black, White, or Pink Preferred
Q I'm attending a Black tie gala, on the invitation it says
Black Tie - White dinner Jacket Optional
Glamorous gowns - Black, White, or pink preferred.

Is it OK if I wear a different color?
please help


A The key word here is "preferred." The hosts are not saying you can only wear a black, white or pink dress, they are merely stating their preference. Of course, you can wear a different color. The emphasis in the dress code is on the word "Glamorous."

Entertaining: Black Tie Invite
Q How do you specify to guests that a wedding is a formal or black tie occasion?

A At the bottom of your invitation, across from the RSVP in the right-hand corner, you would have the words: Black Tie

Entertaining: Blackballing Son's Father at Birthday Party
Q I don't want to invite my son's father to his birthday party as most of the guests do not care for him, nor do I. How do I handle this?

A First, you have to decide if your son's birthday party is about you, or if it is about your son's birthday. Don't make the son's birthday a metaphor. Birthdays, weddings, milestones are a time to mend breaches within the family. Take advantages of this milestone, be a good mother role model and go up the ladder. Good manners and etiquette are all about consideration and compassion. As the role model here, you need to decide how to help people communicate, even if it is for just one special day: your son's birthday.

Entertaining: Black-Tie Event: Boston: Guest: Woman:
Q Hi-
I am attending an event with my father in Boston next month. It is black-tie, and it is likely other guests will be more my father's age (I am 25). I have a beautiful pure silk black gown; however it has a halter neck top and is rather low. I bought it for a red carpet event where I don't think it mattered it was slightly more revealing. Although I am loath to spend another $400 on a dress, would it be safer if I went with something more modest? Thanks!

A Your black silk evening dress sounds lovely and very Boston, I might add. By all means, wear the red carpet dress to the black-tie event in Boston. You'll need a warm coat and gloves.

Entertaining: Black-Tie Gala: Black or Red Evening Gown?
Q Going to a black-tie gala. Is it appropriate to wear a long red dress or should I be safe and stick to black?

A The blood red colors are trending this fall, so go for the long red evening dress with beautiful shoes and carry a sweet, small clutch. Black is always safe, but you can take advantage of red as the Fall color this year.

Entertaining: Bluebonnet Ball: Dress Code: From Boots to Ballgowns
Q Hello! We have to attend a "Bluebonnet Ball" for an Education Foundation Fundraising event. The theme is "from boots to ballgowns". My thoughts are Ballgowns with Boots but have no idea how to tie that together. Any ideas? Thank you.



A Unless the boots are skin tight, your ballgown could get entangled while dancing. Check with the fundraising office of the organization to find out if the dress code means boots for the men and ballgowns for the ladies.

Entertaining: Booty at Baptism
Q I will be baptising my two sons soon. Although they are both being baptised on the same day and we are having one celebration party, how do I go about telling people that when giving gifts to please give each child a gift separately? ( I would rather them each get a card/gift instead of a combined gift)

A One does not ask for a gift for a baptism. It is a deeply religious ceremony and it is not about the booty. If you wish to send out an invitation, you would include both boys' names on two separate lines. Your guests will get the cue that there are two sons being baptized by the wording on your invitation. After the church ceremony, the family traditionally invites people back to the house and treats them to lunch for kindly attending the baptism. Don't forget, during the ceremony your guests will be expected to put money in the plate for the baptism. A baptism is not a birthday party.

Entertaining: Boxing Day Party: Open House
Q What is Boxing Day? Is it pretentious to celebrate a holiday that isn't truly yours?

A It is on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, December 26th, the "feast of Stephen," when "Good King Wenceslas" looked out and saw the snow, "deep and crisp and even". He was thus reminded that the cold brought on hunger and he had his servants bring pine logs, food, and wine to be given to the poor. This charitable day is similar to Maundy Thursday before Easter when the queen gives alms (small coins) to the poor, except everyone can give on Boxing Day. In the 19th century, the "boxes" at Boxing Day were literally boxes of gifts of money given to the families of people who worked for you. Additionally the servants would go around to the local vendors and be given more money in the hope that the servant would remain a customer for his master; thus, by the end of the century, the birth of after Christmas sales and the ritual of the end of the year bonus. The "box" was always a present from a superior person to an inferior person whether it was a master/ servant or parent/child relationship. Now we give tips to house cleaners, mailmen, doormen, hairdressers, janitors and handymen, but before Christmas so that the person has the extra cash for gifts for his/her family. And in Great Britain Boxing Day is the day to take children to see their grandparents. At a time when Christmas is more for close family, Boxing Day is when we reach out to extended family members and friends. Celebrating with an open house has become a custom at Christmas, whether it is a cocktail party before or after Christmas.

The open house is just what it says, the host's house is open to guests to come and go between one specific time and another. No exchange of gifts is warranted, but often the host will have favors for children, and there is an abundance of cocktail buffet-style food and drinks. Tagging your open house "Boxing Day" does not seem pretentious at all as it stems from a centuries old custom. Just be sure that you have a definition when one of your guests asks about how the custom of celebrating "Boxing Day" evolved.

Entertaining: Boy Meets Girl's Dad Over Dinner
Q I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time this evening. They are flying into New York for the weekend and will be dining with us twice. Who is expected to pick up the tab for dinner? I'm not being cheap!! I will gladly buy dinner both nights!! I just don't want to insult anybody or break form. Please help!! I like this girl.. want to make a good impression! ps dinner is in 10 hours!

A Go up the ladder. Be generous; however, if he looks and talks as if he (the dad) is rich, paying for a dinner may not be big a deal. He is checking you out, so: you offer. If he puts his credit card out, being the elder, you accept gratefully. Don't take his generosity for granted. The truly gentlemanly thing to do might be to excuse yourself to the men's room and ask to pay the check leaving your card with the waiter. That's style. But don't do it twice because it might be perceived as tacky. If you are having two meals, you might pay for one discreetly, like the gentleman that you are. Since he is older and can afford the trip, let him pay for the second meal or vice versa.

Entertaining: Bread + Butter Plate
Q When setting a dinner table, which side of your place setting should the 'bread' plate be situated?

A The bread and butter plate is placed in the upper left hand corner of your place setting. If you have butter knives, place one on each plate.

Entertaining: Bread Basket: Keeping Bread and Rolls Warm
Q Is it O.K. to line a bread basket with linen table cloths? If not, what do I line it with?

A Absolutely, line the bread basket with a 'linen' table napkin. Place the 'linen' napkin in the basket, add the warmed sliced bread or rolls, then use the corners of the napkin to cover the bread and rolls in order to keep them warm.

Entertaining: Bridal Shower: Dress Code: Chill'n and Grill'n: Bandanas
Q I am attending a, "Chill'n and Grill'n" themed bridal shower. The time of the shower is 7:30 p.m. and I don't know what my husband and I should wear. The invitation was sent out on bandanas and doesn't specify what we should wear. Help!

A Understandably, you are confused. When I see the word bandana I think of the country musician Willie Nelson. The hosts don't want guests to wear, for instance, Cocktail Attire.

The hosts are asking guests to be laid back and wear their favorite t-shirt and jeans. Wear whatever you want to wear, especially if you have a new top that you've been waiting for an occasion to put on with a pair of white pants, jeans, or black leggings. Don't overdo it on the shoes, don't wear uncomfortable high heeled shoes. Take it down a notch.

Entertaining: Briefcase at the Table
Q Should one bring a folder/briefcase to the dining table? Yes or no?

A In my opinion, you would not bring a folder, briefcase, laptop, or any reading material to the dining table. Why? Because dining is an opportunity to communicate orally. Also, dietitians say that being distracted from what you are eating insures that the diner will eat more than he or she needs, which could lead to indigestion. Set boundaries of behavior at your dinner table: no TV, no reading, no laptop, no cellphone. Most important, dining is one of the few chances that we get today to interact face-to-face. Focus your conversation on news globally as well as on your school and community. Although it is not the place necessarily to resolve family problems, it can be a venue in which to bond family members through positive feedback. How was your day? What was best about your day? Did anything interesting, funny, or unusual happen today? What did you learn today that surprised you?

Entertaining: Briefcase While Dining
Q Should I take a briefcase/folder to the dining table?

A It depends upon the situation. If you are dining at home and you are alone, of course it would be all right; however, if there is anyone else at the table, you would focus on having an interesting conversation with that person.

On the other hand, if this is a business breakfast or lunch, after the food has been cleared from the table, it is fine to open your briefcase/folder to take out a paper to discuss. It is best to ask permission from your breakfast/lunch partner first, especially if discussing business hadn't been part of the agenda.

Customarily, a person checks his/her briefcase in the restaurant cloak room and, if papers are to be handed over or gone over, it is done on the way out of the restaurant. That is why restaurants in hotels are best suited for business dinners because there are usually seating areas in the lobby where one can open a briefcase and have a discussion in semi-privacy.

Excuse this rather general answer, but as I said, it depends upon the circumstances, location, and time of day. For instance, you might take your briefcase to the table when meeting a client for breakfast or lunch, but if you are meeting that client for dinner, you would check your briefcase in the cloak room. If there isn't a cloak room, then you would place your briefcase/folder under your chair. Either way, the briefcase/folder would never be on the dining table unless you were at home alone. In a restaurant, it would be placed under your chair.

Entertaining: Bringing Food
Q When asking a person to "bring a dessert" to a social gathering, is it proper to tell them specifically what dessert to bring, as in "you bring cannolis"?

A Except, what if they don't like cannolis or they don't know where to buy them? Why not ask your guests what there favorite dessert is and then ask them to bring it. If they say coconut cake, and another guest is already bringing one, then say as much and ask for a second choice.

Entertaining: Bringing Food to Catered Event
Q When attending a catered event, is it improper to bring outside food?

A I would have to know more about the circumstances to give you the answer you need. It would depend upon whether or not the other guests were bringing food. If the host has hired a caterer, the food and drinks are organized and all you need to do is show-up. If it is a birthday or shower, you might bring a present, but find out first. The problem with bringing food if you have not been asked to do so, is that you would be stepping on the caterers, so to speak. The host doesn't want sixteen salads and ten pasta dishes but no beef, so the host is in control. The next day you might telephone the host to thank him or send a handwritten note. I would say bringing food to a catered event is improper.

Entertaining: Bringing Present for the Boss
Q We are attending a wedding anniversary this weekend for my boyfriend's boss. I believe it is their 50th. Do we bring a gift, a card or what is the proper thing to do?

A Yes, you might take a best selling novel or mystery as a gift and a funny card. Because your host is the boyfriend's boss, you wouldn't want to buy anything extravagant because it might seem as if he was buttering up the boss. The important thing is not the present, which really is not necessary, but the thank-you notes you both write the next day.

Entertaining: Brunch
Q I am to host a "bruch" for our book club at my home and wasn't sure exactly what time bruch is supposed to start. I am also at a loss for what to serve to eat or drink...help me!

A Do you mean you are hosting a "brunch"? Brunches last about two hours and are held anytime between ten o'clock in the morning and one in the afternoon. You would serve coffee, juice, and pastries or donuts from your local bakery. If you wanted to get out the nice plates and silverware, you could serve quiche and a green salad followed by cookies and fruit salad. If your guests are expecting drinks, you would make up a pitcher of Bloody Marys or serve a chilled rose or white wine, for instance a Chardonnay is always popular.

Entertaining: Buffet: Place Cards or Not
Q Should you use place cards for seating when you are serving buffet outdoors?

A It would depend upon the formality of the buffet. For instance, if you have tables set with cloths, utensils, glasses, napkins, and waiters in attendance, you might want to assign tables and/or seats with place cards; that way people will find their seat, leave their shawl and evening bag at their place before helping themselves at the buffet. Otherwise, when you have an informal buffet, people are more apt just to sit in the nearest empty seat because nobody likes wondering around looking for their place card while balancing plate, utensils, napkin and glass. If there are a lot of people over sixty years of age, a considerate host might assign older guests a seat at a table near the buffet.
So, the short answer is this: if you have a congenial group of guests under seventy, you might not need place cards. However, if you have older people, it would be better to reserve seats for them by the buffet by assigning all seats with place cards.

Entertaining: Buisness: Holiday Party: Boyfriend's Christmas Work Party
Q I am going to my boyfriend's Christmas work party. He is employed at a golf course. What should I wear to this event? I am a girl 5'4 and 116 lbs, and he said he will be wearing a suit.

A If your boyfriend is wearing a suit, then you would wear either a conservative style dress or a skirt suit. Wear your best business attire, which is what you would wear to a job interview with the idea that you want to look like an executive couple. Alternatively, a knee-length dress with sleeves would be perfect. It can be black or a small print wrap dress. If you have a black pencil skirt, you can wear it with a jewel colored fashion blouse. As this is a festive holiday party you want to dress up, but you don't want to be showing too much bare skin, because this is a professional/business-style event. Add beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag and you're all set.

Entertaining: Buisness: Holiday Party: Dress Code: Woman: Black/White/Red
Q I am 35 and have a fantastic ivory cocktail dress (about 1 or 2 inches above the knee, square neck, straps about 1 1/2 inches, very fitted up top and a fairly full skirt; along the hem there are flowers sewn on in the same fabric). Can
i wear it to my staff holiday party with black shoes and black tights? I was thinking maybe trying to find a fitted red cardigan or perhaps a red wrap?

I've only worn the dress once and paid a fortune for it...I've never owned anything that seems to fits me better. I'm 5'7, 128 lbs but I have a chest, so I try to avoid anything too short or tight on the bottom.

A Your dress sounds lovely. I would rather that your legwear was a shade lighter than your skin tone with a bit of shimmer and shine to it to dress up your legs. To elongate the look of your legs, wear nude-colored patent leather heels. If the dress were long and sleek, I would say black shoes would be very chic. However, with a short white dress and black legswear you don't want to look like a white umbrella because of the wide skirt. If you want to wear a black cardigan sweater, that would be fine, but I like the idea of red. I'm not a fan of the wrap because it tends to engulf most women, even those with the best posture, into a stooped stance. You don't want to look as though you're huddling, you want to show off that beautiful cocktail dress.

Entertaining: Buisness: Holiday Soiree: At the Boss's: Dress Code: Relaxed
Q All the staff and the spouses or significant others been invited to my boss' house for a Christmas Soiree. I've never been invited to this type of party. Do we bring a gift and what attire is appropriate? The invitation reads come for appetizers and cocktails and a relaxed evening at her home. I work as an aide in an elementary public school and my husband is a strictly blue jean type of man.

A As this is a Christmas Soiree at the boss's you and your husband should wear your best business attire. You want to look somewhat professional, even if she says it is a relaxed evening. Your husband might wear dark khaki pants and a collared, long-sleeved shirt with a jacket or nice V neck sweater with leather shoes, that can be slipons, such as loafers or docksiders. Because she says "relaxed," he needn't wear a tie. If he's over the age of 30, he really shouldn't wear jeans to your boss's holiday party. Wear your best work outfit. She knows how much you make, so she won't be expecting you to go out and buy an outfit to wear to her party. You need not bring a gift because she is your boss. If you like baking Christmas cookies or bread, then by all means bring her a homemade treat. Again, she won't be expecting a gift.

Entertaining: Business: Christmas Party: Country Club: Chapel Hill, NC: 6:00 PM
Q What is the proper middle-aged female attire for a company Christmas party at a country club in Chapel Hill, NC--cocktails and dinner, after 6:00? Thank you!

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Wear a well-tailored dressy skirt suit or cocktail dress that falls to your knee, with beautiful shoes, and carry a small clutch bag.

Entertaining: Business: Christmas Party: Country Club: Great Falls, VA: 6:00 pm
Q I am invited to go with my boyfriend and his family to a very chic country club for an employee (his dad's) holiday party. The party starts at 6 pm. It is located in Great Falls, VA, and it is December but the weather here right now is rainy and a tad cold. The invitation reads "Cocktail Attire." What should I wear to this event? I was thinking of wearing a dress since its sounds sexy :) It will be cold though. I am 23 years old and I am already 5'9". What type of dress should I wear? or if I did decide to wear a pant suit, what style?

A Cocktail Attire means guests are expected to wear Suits & Dresses. Wear a well-tailored cocktail dress with any length sleeve, but not strapless, that falls to just above your knees with beautiful shoes. Carry a small clutch bag. You wouldn't have to worry too much about your coat because you'll leave your coat in the coatroom at the country club. You could even wear a tailored black leather jacket. Basically, you want to look well-groomed, and well-dressed without looking glitzy.

Entertaining: Business: Christmas Party: Woman: Age 25
Q I am 25, size zero and I have an a-line, above the knee, strapless ivory satin dress that has a black tie that wraps around and ties into a bow in the front, that I want to wear to my work Christmas party. Would this be appropriate?

A Customarily, the dress code for an office Christmas party calls for wearing your best Business Attire, so you would want to suit-up. You want to look your professional best, and yet a bit festive. Yes, you can wear the strapless cocktail, but take it down a notch by wearing it with a black cardigan sweater or a short, thin black leather jacket and black shoes.

Entertaining: Business: Dress Code: Company 10th Anniversary Party:
Q Hello I am a 25-yr-old woman and I have to attend my job's,10 yr anniversary party. My job is working at a sports bar in a very upscale hotel. What type of dress should I wear? Also what should my date wear?

A Since you're off the clock, you wouldn't want to be wearing the same colors as your work uniform. If your uniform is black and white, wear any colors but black and white. I'm assuming the company office party is in this upscale bar, which means you and your date would dress in a professional manner and that means best business attire. He would wear a crisp collared shirt, tie, and jacket; you would wear a pantsuit or dress, with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. Dress the part of a professional to be treated like a professional.

Entertaining: Business: Dress Code: Dressy Western
Q I've been invited to an induction ceremony at the Cowboy Hall of Fame. The attire is "dressy western." What constitutes "dressy" in women's western clothes and boots?

A Wear a well-made shirtwaist dress with a pair of polished Western boots, and Western jewelry in the form of a belt and necklace. Top it off with your cowgirl hat, if you have one.

It goes without saying that a dress boot is dressier than an everyday boot. You said the dress code was dressy. The heel height, actually, depends upon your height as well as the dressiness of the event. If you are tall, over five seven, you might want to keep the heel height on the low end. The taller the woman, the lower the heel. Most woman don't want to be towering most of the men.

As to the point of the toe, the dressier the event, the sharper the point. If this is an evening event, go with the pointer toe because pointier is dressier. Also as to height of the heel, take in to consideration the height of your
escort or host. But you know that already.

Entertaining: Business: Holiday Party: Black Tie: Flats Instead of Heels
Q I recently had knee surgery. While I am no longer wearing a brace on my leg, I am unable to wear heels. My husband and I have been invited to his office's holiday party, which is a black tie event. What should I wear?

A Lots of woman can't or choose not to wear heels for a variety of reasons, which is why there are so many beautiful flats in shoe stores and shoe departments of major stores. Suede, satin, patent leather, and fine leather flats are dressy enough to wear with a cocktail dress or evening dress. Often adorned with a bow, buckle, shimmer or shine, worn with good quality legwear (such as Wolford) that are sheer and shimmer, flats are most certainly dressy enough to wear to a black-tie event.

Entertaining: Business: Invitation: Including Spouses and Partners for Dinner
Q We are a business and sending out invitations to a new restaurant in our complex for free dinner & drinks on the owner. Many of the recipients are females. We want to include their husbands but do not know any first names for envelopes. How do you address this when many invitations will be sent to the the female's business address -

Is Mrs. & Mr. Alison _________ correct?

A Proper etiquette dictates that you would have an administrative assistant phone or e-mail the invitee (or her assistant) to find out exactly how she and her husband or partner like to be addressed for social occasions: Mr. and Mrs. William E. Shakespeare? Or Ms. Edith Wharton and Mr. Charles Dickens?

If you are spending money to entertain clients, don't skimp on making the invitee feel special and find out how she wishes to be addressed socially. Depending upon the directory, you can often find that information in your local phone book or on-line white pages. Remember that the first duty of a good host is to make each and every guest feel as though she is special. The second thing you need to do is to get an accurate count of how many guests you will be feeding because the chef is going to want to know the numbers by a certain date.

Alternatively, if this is just a "cattle call" and the purpose of the dinner is to fill up seats and space, you can just address the envelope to the invitee followed by the words, "and Guest." You would also include that information on the invitation in your RSVP line. For instance:

RSVP: By June tenth for you and one guest to 212-835-9000.

However, if it is a seated dinner with place cards, you will certainly want to know the correct spelling of each guest's name. By enclosing a reply card (with a self-addressed return envelope) where the invitee fills out her name, you can include a line underneath that says, "Guest's name."

As I don't know the level of formality of the dinner, this is a rather windy answer. There are levels of formality and how you address the envelope to the invitee would reflect that formality.

Entertaining: Business: Retirement Party: Acknowledging Thanks
Q My husband is being honored at a retirement dinner by the owner's of the company for which he worked for over 37 years. The dinner is being held on their private yacht and will include 14 people....a small party for them. Should my husband (we) bring a hostess gift for the lady? If so, what would be appropriate? Thank you for any feedback you might provide.

A No need to bring the hostess a boxed gift. Better to send flowers the next day as a thank-you. Follow it up with a handwritten thank-you note; it doesn't have to be long. Just a heartfelt sentence about how much the evening meant to your husband, as well as to you.

I repeat, a gift of any kind is not necessary. When you send a personal, handwritten thank-you note written from the heart, you've done enough.

Entertaining: Butter Knife Etiquette
Q Type your question here...
When and how do you use a butter knife as opposed to a table knife and is it proper to leave a table knife on the butter plate for multiple uses?

A The butter knife stays on the butter plate. You would not use the butter knife for anything other than buttering your bread, roll or toast. You would not, for instance, use your butter knife as a pusher to load your fork with food on your dinner plate. Nor would you use your butter knife to cut, say, a piece of sole or to shorten the length of your pasta. They call it a butter knife because it is just used for butter.

Entertaining: Butter Knives
Q When eating at a fine restaurant and each person has his own butter knife, what is the right way to butter a roll...I have always thought you only pick up the butter with the butter knife and then use your main knife to spread the butter???

A You pick up the butter knife from the butter plate and return it to the butter plate after buttering your roll. Remember to break off a piece of your roll and put the rest of the roll back on the butter plate before buttering the piece of roll you are preparing to eat. You would only use the meat knife to butter your roll, if there were no butter knife.

Entertaining: Buying Tables+ Who Pays
Q When "Buying" a table for a function, are the people invited to sit with you expected to purchase tickets also?

A When you are invited to sit with someone who has bought a table, it is a social bid. You would reciprocate by inviting that person to something, anything at another time. You would, however, send a thank-you note, or at the very least, telephone the next day to thank the person for including you. If, on the other hand, the person is "organizing" the buying of a table for a function, then that person would tell you the cost of the ticket, so that you can pay for your own ticket(s). That person might have said, "Do you want to go in on a table for such-and-such?" or, "I am organizing a table for such-and-such, would you and your husband like to sit with us?"

Entertaining: BYOB Baby Shower
Q I'm hosting a couples evening baby shower. We're planning on inviting approximately 10 couples. I'm planning on providing appetizers, soft drinks, etc. Would it be rude to ask guests to bring an alcoholic beverage of their choice?

A Yes, it might be rude to ask guests to bring their own alcoholic beverage. The only trouble with thinking that you've asked guests to BYOB is what do you do when people forget to bring an alcoholic beverage, ask for a drink, and you have nothing to serve them because everyone is hoarding their own bottle? When you host a shower, you are inviting people to bring a present for the baby. In return, the generous guest who has brought the requisite gift, should not also be asked to bring their own booze. If they are required to bring their own booze, then the gift for the baby might be "watered down." Perhaps, if you cannot afford to buy wine and beer for the guests, you might ask one of the other couples or one of the baby's godparents to host the party with you and you divvy up the expenses. Alternatively, you might make a hugely delicious rum punch, then by word-of-mouth you might tell guests when they RSVP that you are serving rum punch but they are welcome to bring whatever they want to drink. The purpose of the baby shower is to help the parents prepare for their new baby in a realaxed and fun manner.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for an RSVP
Q What is appropriate action for a host to take, if he/she hasn't received a rsvp to an invitation by the deadline date and a specific number is required at facility of the event?

A My dear, you have every right to call the person on the phone to ask if they received your invitation. Just say that you have to give the caterer a specific count for the menu and leave it at that. You are totally in your rights here, so do not hesitate to get your count.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for Head Count
Q In a catered affair, charge per head, is it inappropriate to call them and ask if they are coming or not to get a head count? Many times people do not call to let you know and then they show up.

A By all means, you have a perfect right to call and ask who is coming because you will need to tell the restaurant, caterer, or private club an exact count. If you approximate and less people show up, you will have to pay for the dinner of the no-shows. People know this, so don't be emabarrased to call your guests. Naughty them for not calling you first.

Entertaining: Can Granny Give Baby Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the grandmother to give a baby shower for her daughter-in-law an soon to be grandbaby?

A I am sure your daughter-in-law would greatly appreciate your generosity in giving her a baby shower. It is totally appropriate for you to be the hostess: she is extraordinarily fortunate to have your support.

Entertaining: Can I Charge for a Wine Tasting?
Q Is it bad etiquette to charge people to come to a home wine tasting party?

A No, it would not be bad etiquette, but you would have to make it perfectly clear that you are "charging admission" to the wine tasting. You also might sweeten the deal by saying that you will be serving food with the wine. You will also have to decide if they need to pay in advance, or if you will be accepting money at the door.

Entertaining: Candles
Q Should candles be lit during the day? I read somewhere that candles should only be used during the evening, yet I see candles in use during luncheons and receptions in the day time.

A It depends upon the situation. Candles can add a certain amount of festivity to light up the occasion. Most restaurant and clubs do not use candles during the day; however, if it is a festive occasion and they are part of the decor, especially in a darkish room with horrid overhead lights, why not?

Entertaining: Cards + Dinner
Q When at a dinner party, is it considered bad manners for someone to break away with a few others for a card game?

A If in the invitation it was made clear that there would be cards after dinner, then it is not rude. If at dinner it is a majority decision to play cards after dinner, it is not rude.
If some guests just randomly go off and play cards, that is incredibly rude.

Entertaining: Cash as Housewarming Gift
Q What is the proper wording to use to ask guest for a monetarium as a housewarming gift?

A At the bottom of the invitation to your housewarming party, you would print: In lieu of gifts, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Cash Bar
Q Is a cash bar appropriate; does this mean guests pay for soda as well as liquor? Should guests be informed before the reception there will be a cash bar?

A The problems with having a cash bar are twofold: you cannot expect people to bring a gift when you are asking them to pay for their own drinks. If you do have a cash bar, then you need to make it clear to your guests that they will have to come prepared to pay for all beverages they consume. Is a cash bar appropriate? It depends, for instance if you are holding a fundraiser, then a cash bar helps to raise more money for the charity. However if you are hosting a wedding reception, anniversary, or birthday celebration, you cannot expect people to bring gifts and also ask them to pay for their drinks so: you will need in say something like this on the invitation: In lieu of a gift, there will be a cash bar.

Entertaining: Cash Bar Birthday
Q Is it inappropriate to have a cash bar at a 40th birthday party? Heavy appetizers will be provided at no cost to the guests.

A Yes, it is all right to host a cash bar at a birthday party; however, you will need to state "cash bar" on the invitation so your guests will come prepared to pay for their own drinks. Also, if you are making it a cash bar party, you cannot expect guests to bring a birthday present as well as pay for their drinks.

Entertaining: Cash for Housewarming Gift
Q For a housewarming party, my cousin wants to know how to ask her guests for a monetary gift instead of actually receiving a gift. She just bought a house, has everything for her new home. She would like her friends and family to help her with the mortgage for the first month; whatever they were going to spend on a gift, that they just make it a monetary gift. Please advise.

A If your cousin is sending out invitations, she can put these words at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check towards our mortgage would be greatly appreciated. That way when people are stuffing checks in her pocket, she will know by the name on the check whom to thank and for how much.

Entertaining: Casual But Nice Dress Codes
Q My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year. We are having a get together in our backyard for about 80 people (renting tables, chairs, table cloths etc...). I don't want people showing up in t-shirts and shorts or cut-offs; how can I address this in my invitation without offending anyone? Please help!


A Here a some dress codes that are popular right now. You might find one that fits your party:

Casual Chic
Casual Dressy
Casual Hip Chic
Cocktail Attire
Dressy Casual
Dressy Casual Hip Chic
Jackets
Party Casual
Smart Casual
Snappy Casual
Tastefully Casual

Entertaining: Casual Long Dresses: Winter
Q Is it okay to wear long dresses casually in winter?

A If you're young and hip, wear your long dress casually with a fine leather jacket or cardigan sweater.

Entertaining: Catching the Server's Attention
Q Is it polite to wave one's hand in a restaurant to obtain the waiter or waitress' attention? My daughter, who is now an engineer but was a waitress while in college, states that it is customary to wait until the waitress comes to your table because she is so busy with all her duties. If it is polite to signal the waiter or waitress during the meal, how should this be done? When dining with my mom and dad, Kristyn cringes because my dad snaps his fingers and calls out "Miss?" Thank you for your response in advance.

A It is customary to try to get the attention of the server by making eye contact. The person who has the best visibility towards the servers' area might be designated to make the contact if the host is facing away. If eye contact does not work, raising a hand is appropriate. It that does not work, as the server passes, you might say, "Excuse me, could be please bring the check." Snapping fingers is not nice. Alternatively, it might be better for him to go to the men's room and speak to the waiter on his way out or on his way back to the table.

Entertaining: Celebrating 50th Anniversary
Q We are giving our parents a 50th wedding anniversary party. On the favors and napkins do we put the date of the marriage or the date of the 50th anniversary?

A Often for 50th anniversaries the original wedding colors, music, and even the theme of the cake are reproduced. Bridal party members are invited and there are photographs of the wedding, as well as more recent photos of family events. On the favors and napkins, you would either use what was on the wedding favors and napkins originally, which might have been their monogram, or the date. You can even put, say, May 10, 1940-2010. Or 5/10/40-5/10/10. To answer your specific question, if you are reproducing the wedding theme as much as possible, you would put the date of the wedding. If you were integrating more recent themes, say, golfing or sailing, you might use the date of the anniversary, but you would have to state anniversary as in May, 10, 2010, and then on the next line 50th Anniversary.

Entertaining: Celebrating Baby's Christening
Q Where is it most common to celebrate after a baby's christening, the parents' home, a restaurant or a hall?

A It is always preferable to go back to a private home after the christening because the children in tow might be over-stimulated and need to be feed or laid down for a nap, or both. It is customary to invite the godparents and their spouses and children, as well as close relatives and friends for lunch or tea, depending on the time of day. If the children are older, a familiar restaurant might be a festive way to celebrate over a relaxed lunch. If you have a parent who might like to host such a celebration, all the better. Often something as elegant and simple as inviting people back for a glass of champagne and sugar coated almonds is a tradition that says enough. As favors, you might give everyone a small bag of the pastel colored almonds tied with a ribbon. Almond blossoms are a pretty pink and almond hulls are a wonderful green, so you might use those colors for the fabric on the bag and the tied bows. Almonds are actually an edible seed, which of course symbolizes birth. If you do want to have a more formal celebration, it is traditional to have the parents cut a white cake, symbolic of their wedding cake, decorated with the baby's initials. The godparents would then give a champagne toast to the baby followed by other toasts from family and friends.

Entertaining: Champagne Glass Etiquette
Q I never know whether to hold a champagne glass by the stem or the bowl. How do they hold a champagne glass in Newport?

A If you want to ensure that champagne stays chilled while you're drinking it, hold the glass or flute by the stem; the heat from your hand on the bowl of the glass will warm it up. Champagne should be chilled to 45 degrees Fahrenheit before being served.

Entertaining: Charger + Salad Plate + Dinner Plate
Q When setting a formal table and placing the salad plate on top of the dinner plate - do you then eat your salad on top of the dinner plate or does the hostess remove the dinner plate.

A Actually, the salad plate is not set on top of the dinner plate. The large plate (as you call it) underneath is called a "charger." The salad plate would be chilled and the dinner plate would be quite warm. The charger might stay on the table as a coaster for the hot plate, or be removed with the first course.

Entertaining: Charger Etiquette
Q Is is ever proper to leave the chargers on the table when having a formal dinner party at home?

A You would leave the chargers on the table through the first course and take them off when the dinner plate is placed. The reason for this is because during the meat course, the cutting of the meat often causes the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a rather noisy formal dinner plate. The charger is not a placemat. It is to hold, say, a hot bowl of soup or a cold plate of oysters. Is it ever proper? Perhaps, at a luncheon when the entree is cheese souffle and knives are not needed.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When are chargers removed from the table?

A Chargers or service plates, as these oversized plates are also called, can either be at your place when you are seated or brought before the first course. The first course and then the second course plate is then placed on top of the charger. They usually remain on the table for the first two courses; however, it is at the discretion of the hostess. For instance, if the charger is made of pewter or silver and cutting meat on the porcelain plate causes the porcelain to shift around on the metal, the charger might be taken away before that course. The purpose of the charger is to protect the hot plate from marring the dining table through the tablecloth.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When setting a table, what is the purpose of a "charger" plate and where would it be put? Thank you for your help.

A The charger is a large porcelain plate twelve inches in diameter which sits on top of the placemat and under the dinner plate. Traditionally, it is at your place setting when you sit down and stays on the table until the dinner plate is taken away, but situations may vary. For instance, in a restaurant the charger might be taken away with the first course. In the past, chargers made of pewter, silver or gold were often left on the table throughout the meal as a placemat when chargers were used as coasters for plates. People who serve hot dinner plates like using chargers because they act as a buffer between the hot dinner plate and the dinner table saving the table from being scorched by the hot plate. Nowadays, contemporary chargers might be square, rectangular, triangular or oval-shaped and made of ceramic.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q How are "chargers" at dinner used properly? Do you remove them before your guests eat?

A Chargers are the focus of the place setting when the guests are seated. Either the napkin or the first course plate is on the charger or served shortly after the guests are seated. The charger is cleared when the entree arrives because the noise from the clanking of the plate against the charger while cutting meat can be rather noisy at a dinner party.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q What is the proper procedure for using charger plates for a semi-formal dinner?

A Chargers are on the table when the guests are seated. The first course plate is placed on top of the charger either before or after guests are seated. The charger is removed when the entree is served. You would not put the dinner plate on top of the charger because, when the guest cuts his meat, the friction from the cutting can cause the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a very noisy dinner table. Chargers are not placemats. The purpose of the charger is to help to keep either the cold plate of the cold first course cold or the hot plate of the first course hot.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q I'm planning a prom dinner for my son and seven guests. What is the proper way to use a charger? Is it removed after the salad is served and just the dinner plate placed in its place? Thank you. Louise

A Yes, with one hand you remove the salad plate and the charger, with the other hand you place the dinner down in front of the guest.

Entertaining: Charity Etiquette
Q We are having a scholarship ball for our university and in the past we've always had an open bar. This year, there will be a cash bar following the cocktail hour. What is the proper way to word this in our invitation? Do we note open bar during the cocktail hour and assume guests will know it's a cash bar during the dinner and dancing, or do we indicate on the invite when the open bar takes place and when the cash bar start?

What's the proper wording for an invitation?

Thanks.

A Sorry, but the situation is not clear to me. If you are charging guests to attend the ball, you cannot also expect them to pay cash for their drinks. It would be better to raise the price of the ticket and include all drinks. People get annoyed when they think that they have paid for their evening then all of a sudden they have to spend twenty bucks for a couple of drinks. If you are trying to raise money for scholarships, then you want to promote the good feeling of being generous. You want to give your ticket buyers their money's worth so that they will want to support the scholarship next year. Don't fleece them on the small stuff, if you're looking for big donations.

Entertaining: Cheese with Salad or Fruit
Q Is a cheese/fruit course served before or after dessert?

A Cheeses are served along with either the salad, after the main course, or accompanying fruit following the dessert course. Used as a digestive, an assortment of three cheeses in a variety of textures and flavors is served immediately after the salad or fruit has been presented. So, when the dessert plates are cleared, the fruit is served followed by the cheeses.

Entertaining: Children as Hosts for Parents
Q Is it proper for your children to have a no host dinner at a restaurant for your 25th anniversary?

A Unless the children intend to act as collective hosts, it would seem to me proper to have someone be named to host the toasts. It is nice to think that the children are thinking about their parents. Without knowing more of the specifics, I can't say much more.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Parties
Q I will celebrate my son's 4th birthday soon. I'd like to know if it ts ok not to open the presents during the party. I would prefer to do it afterwards. Are there certain etiquette rules I should follow?



A In my opinion, you would not do the opening of the gifts during the party. You would save them for later. After such a stimulating time, the child will crash from the excitement. Take time bringing the gifts out for him to unwrap but do not use them as a ploys. Remember they are his and they have already been given to him. Make him take part in making a list of who gave him what so that he can send thank-yous to his friends. Be sure that he discusses each gift and tells you why he likes it. Let him pick out his thank-you notes and make his mark or sign his name on the card. His name on the return address will tell the parent that your son sent the thank-you note to their child. Remember at the start of the party, when the guests begin arriving, to remind your son that his friends have picked out special gifts just for him so that he needs to thank each guest for their gift. There are a whole lot of other reasons why you wouldn't have the gift opening an activity at the party. Firstly, most kids (and grownups) don't really get a kick out of watching other people open presents; a problem can arise if there are two presents that are the same; if a present is not great, one of the other guests might comment on it; you do not want the gift giving to be a competition; you do not want a child to feel bad because his gift did not stack up to the other gifts. Your son should try to greet his friends when they arrive and he should try to be around to say good-bye to each and every one of them when they leave. Children's birthday parties are a window or opportunity to teach children about being gracious and generous, being a giver, when he passes out the party bags, as well as being on the receiving end. It is also an opportunity to teach kids about being a host and the importance of making each and every guest feel special even though it is your son's birthday. It goes without saying that four-year-olds know the rules about no biting, no hitting, no kicking, no pushing or shoving, no spitting, and, of course, inside voices inside, outside voice outside.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Party Etiquette: Invitation List
Q My son is in first grade and is having a birthday party. He doesn't want to invite all the boys in his class but I told him he should. Isn't it unfair to leave some boys out? Please help!!!

A Try to make your son see it from the other side, if he were the boy who wasn't invited how he would feel? Say to him, "What if Tommy (a popular boy your son likes) had a birthday party and invited all the boys but you, how would you feel?" If he doesn't want to invite a boy who used to be his friend you say, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." And then ask him to tell you what that means. If on the other hand, the boys he doesn't want to invite are bullies, then maybe he shouldn't invited them. Why not go over each of the boys whom he does not want to invite one by one asking him why he doesn't think that the boy will fit into the group. Your son might have valid reasons for not inviting some of the boys and when you listen carefully to all that he is saying about each of these boys, you might come to understand why he doesn't want them to attend. Perhaps, they are too rough and he is afraid that if they get out of control, you won't be able to handle them. Perhaps, they use dirty words of which you would not approve. Be an active listener. You could teach him to compromise by, say, not inviting the bully, but he then has to give a very good reason why he does not want to invite the boy that lives in your neighborhood, with whom he will eventually be walking with to the bus stop or school. It is only unfair to leave a boy out if your son accepted an invitation to the boy's birthday party, because then your son owes him an invitation. Ask your son to put himself in the shoes of the boy who is being left out by saying, "How do you think Jack will feel when the other boys talk about how much fun they had at your birthday. Don't you think that Jack will wonder why you didn't invite him? If Jack asks you why you didn't invite him, what will you say?" Listen ever so carefully to every word your son says. Perhaps, he is embarrassed to invite boys who didn't invite him to their birthday parties. Then you say, "Why not give John another chance?"

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Party: Invitatation: Gilft: Books + DVDs Only
Q We are having a very informal backyard birthday party for our kids who are turning 3 and 5. There will be a bounce house and cake. We are doing it from 2-4 in the afternoon to avoid serving lunch or dinner. Is there a polite way to ask guests on the invitation to not bring toys but give books, dvds, etc?

A Under the RSVP contact info you can put: Books + DVDs only, please.

Entertaining: Children's Invitation Etiquette
Q For a children's party, the invitations (Curious George) say "Given By" (not Given FOR). Do I still put my daughter's name in there? Or do I put mine in, and then hers? Thank you!

A You would put your daughter's name after "Given by." Children's parties are just as much about teaching children how to be good hosts as they are about the celebration. After all, the children don't want to go to your party, they want to go to your daughter's party.

Entertaining: Children's Party Response
Q On a casual kids birthday party invite, mainly for friends and family, is it correct to say "Please RSVP to phone# Regrets Only"?

A All you need to say is: Regrets Only to 401-000-0000.

Entertaining: Chilling Beer
Q How do I serve bottled beer at a casual Superbowl party? Do I need a tub of ice? Can I leave it in the refrigerator?

A It depends upon how many bottles of beer you need to keep cool. If you have a bathtub, fill it with bags of ice to chill the beer; or you can use a large plastic storage container without holes. Even a clean garbage can keep those bottles cold. However, if you have room in your refrigerator, use it.

Entertaining: Chistmas Gift Giving to Extended Family
Q My son-in-law's parents started sending us Christmas gifts, when he married my daughter. I have gone along with this for the last few years by reciprocating but now I want to get out of this gift giving dilemma. Our family tradition is that we only give gifts to the children (under 21). How do I convey this politely?

A Send them a Christmas card in which you write: "This year, and going forward, we will be concentrating on our family members under the age of 21. We know you will understand and hope that you will support us in our Christmas gifting."

Entertaining: Christening: Dress Code: Godmother: Mid-Summer
Q I am a godmother and the christening is in the church this summer. Also, the motif is blue. What dress is best for this event.

A Wear a simple beige or blue linen dress with short sleeves and nude colored or blue leather or patent leather pumps. If the church isn't air conditioned, you'll want to be wearing a crisp summer dress in a luxury fabric such as linen that will hold up and not look wilted by the end of the luncheon. Mixing beige and blue will make you look so not matchy-matchy.

Entertaining: Christening: Godmother Gift:
Q I have been asked to be the godmother of my cousin's son. My aunt says that it is customary for the godmother to buy the christening outfit. Is this correct? I have never heard of this before. Thank you

A I have never heard of this as an ultimatum. The godmother gives a gift to commemorate the Christening. Traditionally, the Christening dress is passed down through generations. If there isn't one on hand, then the parents buy one. On the other hand, if the godmother prefers to buy the Christening dress rather than, say, a silver cup with the child's name and birth date, that is her prerogative. The simple choice is the dress or silver cup. Both should be worthy of being handed down.

Entertaining: Christmas Parties: Adults Only
Q How to word an "Adults only Christmas Party"?

A The problem is a large one. You never want to say anything negative on an invitation that will set off an unpleasant vibe. To some people when you say, "No Children" or "Adults Only" it sounds as though you don't like children. The important thing to remember is that grown-up Christmas parties are not for children. In my opinion, children shouldn't be at parties where alcohol is being served. So, when possible, I suggest that for "insurance reasons" (or "insurance purposes") the way to go is to print under the RSVP: Twenty-one years and older under, or

RSVP 123-234-3456, Ext. 1123
Guests must be twenty-one years old
or
Guests must be at least 21

Entertaining: Christmas Reception at the White House: 2:00 PM
Q My boyfriend and I have been invited to a Christmas reception at the White House. It starts at 2:00. I want to look classy, but I really have no idea what to wear. I have green eyes, a fair complexion, and blonde hair. I'm a size 12 or 14, and I don't really like showing a lot of leg. Can you help?

A Wear your best business attire. For instance your best well-tailored day dress or skirt suit with beautiful shoes. And carry a small clutch bag. Have the dress or skirt suit tailored to flatter your curves. It's all about how well you are put together, well-groomed, and well-tailored.

Entertaining: Church Luncheon Acceptance Note
Q When sending an acceptance note for a afternoon luncheon, what is the proper wording? I will be attending with my wife but will also be representing our Church. Thank you.

A Your note would go something like this; however, you would insert your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens accept
the kind invitation for luncheon
on July 16th, 2006.

If you are a Vestry member or committee member representing your church, you would write your position after signing your name:

Charles Dickens
Vestry
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Entertaining: Church Reception for Supreme Court Judge
Q Thank you so much for getting back to me. My church is hosting a reception (appetizers and buffet meal) to celebrate and congratualate an active church member who was just promoted to the Superior Court. The Judge will be bringing his wife. I am not sure what is the proper way to word the invitation. Your help would be greatly appreciated.


A Here might be the form for the invitation:

The Reverend John Whitman and Mrs. Whitman
and the Clergy, Staff and Congregation
of St. James Church
request the pleasure of your company
at a Cocktail-Buffet
in honor of
Judge and Mrs. Charles Dickens
on Wednesday, June 10th
from six to eight-thirty o'clock
St. James Church
Houston

RSVP
(telephone number)

The highest member of the church will no doubt be in attendance and preside over the toasts, so it would be up to him to mention the judge's nomination. You would, of course, insert your own information and center the lines on the page, which I can't do in this Q&A form.

Entertaining: Class Reunion Cocktail Buffet
Q We are planning a class reunion and instead of a sit-down dinner, we have chosen to have hors d'oeuvres served throughout the evening. How do we word this on the invitation so no one is expecting a formal dinner?

A The "Cocktail Buffet" might be the way to go. It requires small plates but you do not need the waitstaff to pass hors d'oeuvres because they are laid out nicely, preferably, on round tables in the center of the room. The expense is minimal because you don't need knives and forks for finger food, but you will need eight-inch dessert-size plates and napkins. When "Cocktail Buffet" is stated on an invitation as in, "requests your presence at a Cocktail Buffet," guests know they are not being served dinner; however, the word "buffet" tells them that there will be hors d'oeuvres, which allows guests to make dinner plans or eat ahead of time.

Entertaining: Club Dress Code: Business Lunch for Elderly Lady
Q What to wear to a lunch at a private club with 2 business men and one business woman that I have never met before. I am an elderly female.

A If the private club is in the city and it is a business meeting during the summer, then you might wear a lightweight suit with a small brimmed hat. You could also wear a dress with sleeves or a dress with a jacket and short off-white gloves. You might wear a small brimmed hat or gloves, but probably not both, unless you wish to look like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. Wear sensible shoes in case there are stairs to climb and long marble passages to trod. Long sleeves are a must because men's clubs, in particular, can be too cold in the summer for bare-armed ladies.

Entertaining: Club Etiquette
Q We have been invited to dinner at a private club with friends and the bill will be placed on the member's tab. How do we offer to reimburse for our charges?

A If you have been invited, then you are being treated. When you are invited to someone's club for dinner, you know that you are not expected to offer to pay. An invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation.

Entertaining: Cocktail Buffet
Q We have invited many friends and family to an " open house" party for their 50th wedding anniversary and have heard from someone that a half hour is polite and not much longer.
We had anticipated as many as possible to stay for the whole party.
What is correct?
Thank you
Duane


A An "Open House" is a "Walk Through," a "Cattle Call." If you don't have little tables for people to sit and eat at and lots to eat, people will not stay for very long. If you make it a "Cocktail Buffet," with lots of food and small buffet plates on which to put the food, dessert, and coffee, people will stay as long as the hot food is being served. Why not rent small tables that seat four people, along with the chairs, and cover the tables with cheerful tablecloths and a small flower arrangement. That way people will feel that they are welcome to relax, sit down, eat from the buffet, and linger in conversation with friends.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party Cockle: Getting Rid of the Bore
Q At a party the other night I was actually pinned against the drapery at a crowed party by a big self-important bore. Finally I got away by latching on to another person, drawing him into the conversation, just like you said, but how could I have gotten out faster???? Help!

A All you have to do is glance over the shoulder of the self-important bore and pretend to see someone that you are dying to talk to, then say, "I'm coming," and walk off at the end of an apology after making eye contact and saying, "I'm sorry, I've been trying to catch up with him all day." Move on.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party Etiquette: No Children
Q When sending out an invitation to a cocktail party, is it necessary to write on the invitation, no children please?

A I am a huge believer in NOT saying anything negative on an invitation and I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If it is a sophisticated invitation and not cute and family- oriented, and you use words such as Cocktails or Cocktail Buffet, and the hours are, say, six to eight or seven to nine, then you are making it clear that this is not a family party. So stay away from being too cute or pretty and using words like pizza or hamburgers. Stick to a martini glass with an olive, or a rooster motif, as opposed to a kitty cat or confetti and puppets. Then get the word out. When people call to RSVP and they have children you say, "I am sorry but we are not inviting any children." The word will get out and nobody will want to be the only adult at the party with a child in tow. But you have to be consistent. You can't allow one person to bring her baby, because it will get out and kids will show up if you are wishy-washy.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party: Dress Code: April: What Type of Coat?
Q What type of coat do I wear over a cocktail dress in April?

A A swing mohair coat, a light cashmere coat, or a fitted, thin, black leather jacket, depending upon the style of your cocktail dress, the climate where you are, and your age, build and lifestyle. If there are April showers that night, a well-fitted, short, black "nylon" rain coat goes anywhere.

Entertaining: Coffee at Dinner
Q At a dinner party, is coffee appropriate to be offered during the courses before dessert, or only during the dessert course?

A A good hostess or host accommodates the needs of every guest and makes him or her feel that they are the most special guest. If a guest wants a cup of coffee or tea during dinner, no matter which course you are on, you would cheerfully accommodate him or her. Nevertheless, you wouldn't serve coffee until your guests have finished their dessert. Customarily, at an informal or formal dinner party, demitasse is served away from the dinner table, which is often followed by brandy or liqueur.

Entertaining: Co-hosting Graduation Party
Q Is it right to co-host a graduation party for my nephew who did indeed graduate from high school but my own son didn't graduate, get diploma, get gifts or anything......this is okay to have graduation party and receive monies/gifts???? please help me...thank you sandra

A The teenager who graduated should be celebrated with a graduation party and gifts; however, the child who did not actually graduate should not be celebrated for an achievement he has not yet achieved. By pretending that the teenager has graduated when he really hasn't is a farce. It might even give him a false sense that he has graduated and he might not be actually motivated to get his diploma. Teenagers have to understand the consequences of their behavior. If they have worked hard for a diploma, they should be rewarded. If he has not worked hard enough to earn his diploma, then there is no way that he should be rewarded until he earns it.

Entertaining: Co-Hosting in a Restaurant
Q This may sound petty but a guy friend of mine and I decided to invite a couple we know who entertains both of us frequently out for dinner because, as single working people, neither of us entertain. My friend paid the bill because it seemed that in such an expensive restaurant splitting the check was tacky, so I was to pay him back later. Leaving the restaurant the couple thanked my friend for dinner. My friend didn't give me any credit for paying half. What would have been the proper etiquette under the circumstance?

A Next time you share the cost of entertaining in a restaurant with another person, remember to give a seated toast to your friends you are entertaining that would go something like this: "Edward and I thought it would be such fun to have you both to ourselves for an evening. Thank you for joining us." At that point the Edward person would say something very Hugh Grant-ish: "Instead of Isabella and I fighting over the check, she will pay her half later." With glasses raised, all will be jolly. Next time you and your Edward-type should work the toasts out ahead of time.

Entertaining: Combining His Homecoming with Her Birthday
Q I am hosting a party for my boyfriend's coming home party and my birthday party. My boyfriend has concerns that I am not well known to his friends and family since we have only been dating a year. He wants me to put on the invitations that gifts are not necessary. I feel as though that is inappropriate. I think we should not address it at all. What do you think?

A I think that you do not write anything negative on an invitation because it gives a negative tone to a happy occasion. For instance, never put the following on an invitation: Regrets Only, No Presents, Presence Not Presents. When people RSVP you can talk to them directly and say that people are not bringing presents. Your boyfriend is right in that it is difficult to expect people who don't know you to give you a present because they would not know what to get you. Perhaps your girlfriends could give you a birthday lunch to make you feel special and that might give your boyfriend a stressless homecoming party. Also, if you are hosting the party for him, you would not also at the same time host a birthday party for yourself.

Entertaining: Compensating a Host
Q Is it proper to give monetary gift to the householder as a gesture of appreciation for accommodating a guest in one's home?

A Customarily the guest would bring a present with him or send a present after the visit when he has gotten to know the tastes of his host better. Or if you have dined at their favorite restaurant, you might arrange with the restaurant for a gift certificate to be sent to your hosts in your name. The only monetary gift might be if you were to leave a tip for the housekeeper or cleaning lady, which would be left in an envelope on the bedside table. Depending upon how much she actually did for you, you might leave at least five dollars a night.

However, if the guest is not a friend or business associate and he knows that the host is in need of money, he might give the host the equivalent of what he would have spent if he had stayed in a B&B, say, approximately a hundred dollars a night.

Entertaining: Computer Printed Labels for Invites
Q When addressing envelopes for a 50th anniversary drop-in reception, is it acceptable to use computer printed labels or should we stick with handwriting the envelopes?

A I do not understand what you mean by "drop-in reception." It sounds like a cattle call. If you are having an elegant party, you might send handwritten envelopes. People use computer printed labels all the time for invitations; if that's your style, by all means print them out.

Entertaining: Contributing to a Family Event
Q When hosting a family event and it is understood that everyone will contribute in some way, should the host contact family members to ask them to bring things or should family guests call and ask? Also, in the case where the event is very close, is it polite to tell the host what you intend to bring, instead of asking ahead?

A Why not pick up the phone and say, "What would you like me to bring? I would love to bring a chocolate cake." Or, "I am very busy at work at the moment but I would be happy to pick up some wine, if you tell me if you want me to bring red or white." Suggest what you do best, even if it is bringing wine or flowers, and the family member will let you know what she needs.

Entertaining: Conversation: When You Might Have Already Told the Story
Q As I get older I find myself telling many of the same anecdotes again and again. I don't want to be a bore to my friends, so what do I say when I start to tell a story and suddenly it dawns on me that I might already have told it?

A Readers of all ages with sympathize with that dilemma. We've all been in that same boat. Next time say something such as this, "I'm sure I've told you the story about George." Then pause and wait for a reply. If the response is, "Yes, you have." Then say, "I wonder how he is now? Have you seen him since he had to get all those stitches?"

Entertaining: Convocation: Dress Code: Women:
Q What should a 46-year-old woman wear to a semi-formal convocation at her son's private college during the summer?

A For a convocation during the summer, you can wear a seasonal dress that falls just below the knees that has short sleeves, or a sleeveless dress with either a jacket or lightweight sweater. Either a tailored linen dress or skirt suit would be perfect, too, along with pretty soft pumps or flats and a small clutch bag.

Entertaining: Country Club Etiquette: Gifts
Q If invited to a dinner at a country club, is a gift for the hostess appropriate?

A You would not take a gift to a country club or restaurant because all too often the burden falls on the hostess to make sure that it does not get lost and gets home safely. I receive too many questions from readers that lament the fact that gifts were brought. They say, "What do we do when some of the cards fell off the gifts and we do not know whom to thank for what?" It is far better to send your thank-you note along with flowers, a book, or handcrafted chocolates to the home of the hostess, to be opened and enjoyed at her leisure.

Entertaining: Couples Names on Invitation
Q If invitation is a coed party for a couple, who's name goes first on the invitation?


A The woman's name would appear first on the invitation if you were saying, In honor of Caroline and Edward Hines. However, if it is a formal invitation it might read, In honor of Mr. and Mrs. Edward W. Hines. If the party is for a couple who have different last names, the woman's name would appear first.

Entertaining: Course Etiquette: Salad
Q Do I serve fish or salad course first, after soup but before entree?

A It depends upon the fish. If the fish is the entree course, the main meat course, than that would go second. In some regions of the country the salad course is always served first, so if you had soup, too, the soup would come second. Most people, if there is a soup course, would serve the salad after or with the entree. So: soup, fish, salad.

Entertaining: Cowboy Insists on Keeping Hat on at the Table
Q My new son-in-law continues to wear his "cowboy hat" when we have dinner either at a nice restaurant or at our home. My daughter knows I prefer he not and have asked her to speak with him. She say's it's okay. I have asked that he simply remove it when sitting down to dinner. What is proper?

A It is your house and your table. Set your boundaries of behavior. If in your house, cowboys don't wear their hat at the table, then tell him loud and clear that he will have to respect you by taking his hat off when he comes to your house.

Entertaining: Cruise Ship Etiquette
Q We are going on a scheduled cruise to the Bahamas in September. I was wondering if there was any special etiquette or customs I should know before we go. Thank you.

A People who take cruises, and are not on their wedding trip, are usually looking for social interaction, as well as adventure and enjoying a good time while on vacation. Knowing that your fellow voyagers have the same intentions, you will find that people will be friendly and smiling. They will expect you to reciprocate with a smile that might lead to chatter. Be self-sustaining by introducing yourself and your fellow voyagers will respond. You probably won't ever see these people again; however, you might make a life- long friend. How much you put into making an effort to socialize depends upon you. I do not know how your dining is seated; it most likely depends upon the level of luxury you are ticketed for, but an easy way to get to know people is to suggest meeting at the bar before dinner or after dinner for a drink, which might lead to meeting for lunch, dinner or playing bridge. As the saying goes, if you smile at the world, the world will surely smile back at you.

The really tricky situation that everyone faces is the issue of tipping. Be sure to find out well in advance the tipping policy of the ship because policies can vary from cruise line to cruise line. Even if the brochure says, "All inclusive," that might not mean gratuities. Even if the policy says, "Gratuities included," it might not mean, "All gratuities included." A few cruise ships discourage tipping altogether, but that does not mean you will never feel the need to tip. Chances are you will need to bring between $100 to $500, depending upon the length of the cruise, the level you lodge at, and the class of the cruise ship; preferably, in small denominations. A good way to prepare for this ahead of time is to label envelopes with the various staff positions and from the list below you might be able to estimate how much you will be tipping whom and fill those envelopes with small bills before your departure. Once again, depending upon your level of luxury, you would pick the high or low estimate, or perhaps in between. The next to the last day you can subtract or add to those envelopes to reward really great service or take away bills from an envelope, if the service proved disappointing. On a long cruise, it is considerate to tip every Friday morning so that the crew has pocket money for going ashore on the weekend. Once you get on board, you can make a list of the names of the people who are serving you and match their names to the envelopes. As I do not know your level of luxury, or the length of your cruise, you will have to figure out the crew's tips for yourself, but this guide might be helpful in deciding whom to tip and how much:

Porter: $1-$3 per bag, depending upon heaviness of the bag. Like a bellman, he is tipped at the time of service.
Cabin Steward: $3-$5 per day, depending on level of luxury, he keeps your room tidy and brings extra pillows, blankets, towels, soaps, newspapers, etc.
Butler: $5-$20 per day. If you have a luxury cabin on the top deck, you might have a butler to take care of your special requests, unpack your bags, hang up your clothing, serve you drinks, and to bring you certain amenities.
Concierge: $5-$20 per service. This might be a one-time gratuity for organizing your trip ashore by making you a restaurant reservation or helping you find something you wish to buy; for instance if you want to play golf or visit a ruin, museum, rain forest or beach, he will get you a driver or guide.
Deck Steward: $1-$2 at the time of service, per service, he will bring you food, drinks, towels, newspapers on deck.
Maitre D': $5-$50 on your last night, if he remembers to save you your favorite table or suggests the best entrees.
Sommelier: $2-$5 per day; however, if he recommends a great wine, you might want to tip him 10% of bottle price.
Server: $2-$5 per day, depending on quality of service.
Bus Person: $1-$2 per day, per person.
Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Tip more if he remembers your drink and brings more snacks. If he give you a complimentary drink, tip him at least $5.
Spa Staff: 15%-20% per service, depending upon quality of service, and if they come to your stateroom.
Masseuse: 15%-%20 per service, depending upon the excellence of the massage and whether he/she comes to your stateroom.

Bon voyage!

Entertaining: Cutting the Birthday Cake in a Restuarant
Q If you're having a 90th birthday dinner at a restaurant,
should there be a cake with candles to cut and serve?.

A Sure, why not. Best to use one candle in the shape of the number nine and second in the shape of a zero. The waiter will bring the cake to the table along with a knife. The person being feted would blow out the two candles and then, after making the first slice, the waiter would take the cake back to the kitchen to be plated. Plating usually goes fairly quickly.

Entertaining: Daughter + Son Have Joint Birthday Party
Q We are having a "double" birthday party for my son (turning 7)and daughter(turning 2) whose birthdays are only two days apart. When sending out invitations to my son's classmates, is it proper to NOT mention that the party is for his sister too so they understand they don't have to bring a gift for her? We are not sure how to handle the guests who don't know both children. Please help us soon, we need to send out invites this week!!! Thanks so much.

A Buy two distinctly different invitations, one set to be sent to your son's friends and the second to be sent to your daughter's friends. You need not mention on the invitation that it is a joint invitation and no one will feel they have to bring two presents. Sometimes it is best not to muddy the waters and make it confusing with too much information.

Entertaining: Debutante Ball: Decor
Q What color tablecloth is considered appropriate for a formal debutante dinner/ball?

A It would depend upon the color scheme, which customarily relates to the time of year. For instance, around Christmas the tablecloths would be green and/or red or gold and silver, and the centerpieces and the bouquets would work with those colors: red and white roses, red and white carnations, red African daisies, white status and lots of greens. For a spring debutante ball, the spring colors are blues and yellows, which might mean hydrangeas, delphiniums, peonies, and yellow roses. For summer, it would be roses of any color with the tablecloths to match. If you are asking if the tablecloths have to be all white, no, they don't. The tablecloths would reflect the season and the flowers in the bouquets would be similar to those in the centerpieces.

Entertaining: Debutante Ball: Timing of Roses and Candles
Q When is it the proper time to inform participants of the 18 roses or 18 candles for a debutante ball?

A Between cocktails and dinner. At least that's when they do it New York City.

Entertaining: Debutante Balls: Gifts
Q What is proper in the way of gifts or recognition of the debutante from the guests invited to a debutante ball?

A Debutante balls are not about giving the deb presents. The majority of debutante balls benefit charities and these charities often depend upon the proceeds of these balls. If you are an escort of the deb, you might give her a small gift of insignificant jewelry. If you are a guest of her parents, you might send flowers to the house the next day or send a donation to the charity. At the ball, there most probably will be a raffle or silent auction; your participation in these would be the truly appropriate way to show your appreciation for the invitation. The only thing that you absolutely have to do is to send a handwritten thank-you note, whether you are an escort, or guest of the parents.

Entertaining: Debutante Gift
Q What is suitable gift for a debutante for her ball?

A Guests are not required to give the debutante a gift. The proper response is to send the deb's mother or parents a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note for including you at their table at such a special event. Some escorts will give a minor gift of jewelry, but it is not expected. Guests of the parents often send flowers to the house the following day. Debutante balls are not about presents. Most debutante balls are all about raising money for a charity and your thanks would best by expressed by making a donation to the charity in the family's name or the debutante's name.

Entertaining: Decorating Your Party Inexpensively
Q My husband and I made the decision to go forward with our annual Christmas Open House mainly because so many of our friends have been affected by the turbulent economy. I usually dress the house to the nines, but I think it would be ostentatious, plus we're trying to cut back on the expenses. How can we have an elegant and cheerful party without breaking the bank?

A Why not make mistletoe the theme of your party? Hang mistletoe from every doorway and ceiling light. You can buy fake mistletoe in a craft store or fresh at your local nursery, and you can even use both. Just be sure to keep the fresh mistletoe in your refrigerator until the day of your party or the white berries might turn brown. You can tie a small branch or two with a gold or red ribbon making a loop and then hang it from a tack in the center of all your inside doorways. Greet each guest at the front door and warn them that they might get caught under the mistletoe and give them a big smile and/or a kiss. That should put smiles on the grimmest faces.

Entertaining: Decorating: Winter Wedding: January
Q My question is this: I am fifty and getting married next month; the wedding is at my house for six pm. How do I fix the house with reasonable price? Decor I would like: candles and my colors are red, white and silver - any ideas?

A When using red and silver together, you don't want to look too holiday, as though the decorations are leftovers from Christmas, so I would work with winter white as the theme and accent with red and silver. Winter white is a softer creamier white, less bright. How about silver colored ten- inch bowls stuffed tightly with low cut either red or white roses, white or red tulips, or white or red carnations. White freesia is THE staple wedding flower for bouquets and boutonnieres. The idea is to have lots of these low centerpiece bowls, which guests can take home. Once again, in keeping away from the Christmas look, you can do lots of garlands around doorways, fireplaces, and staircase railings of greens with winter white bows and occasional small faux bunches of bright red berries. Bowls of faux sugar-coated fruits can also be fun centerpieces, as are white snowball candles. Strings of small silver bell lights are popular, especially when entwined with garland greens and silver bows or white bows. White or silver bells or bows have a winter charm with ornamental greens and faux bright red berries.

Try doing a search online for Wedding January Ideas. This is a rather general answer because I don't know exactly what you're decorating or the venue of the wedding. Will you have rented chairs for people to sit on to witness the ceremony? Are you decorating just for the ceremony, or are you serving food and drinks? You're welcome to ask the question again with more specifics.

Would you serve a cocktail buffet after the ceremony? If so, you would need a table with table cloths for a bar and then another for prepared finger food, such as shrimp cocktail, finger sandwiches, pigs in the blanket, platters of cheeses with crackers. Online you can order cocktail napkins and paper cocktail buffet size plates (cake plates) printed up with your names and the date in silver or red. They could either be bright red with white or silver lettering, or white or silver with red lettering.

Entertaining: Delivering Invitations By Hand
Q In my country Venezuela..when an invitation is hand delivered..below the name we write E.S.M..which means In Your Hands..what would be the equivalent in English? Thank you for your time.

A In this country, when an invitation is delivered by hand, you might find in the lower left hand corner of the envelope either: "By Hand" or "Kindness of Joan Doe." If a friend is delivering the envelope, then you might write "Kindness of" followed by the friend's name.

Entertaining: Dessert Fork
Q Proper placement of dessert fork?

A The dessert fork and spoon rest horizontally at the top of the placesetting with the handle end pointing at the left and prongs pointing to the right. The spoon would be on the other side of the fork farthest away from the place setting with the handle at the right.

Entertaining: Difference Between Tea Cup + Coffee Cup
Q How do you tell the difference between a tea cup and a coffee cup in a set of fine china?

A The tea cup might be smaller than the coffee cup in a set of fine china; however, that might depend upon where the set of china was made and the date it was produced. If there are two cups, the more delicate of the two would most likely be the tea cup.

Entertaining: Dilemmas: Children's Invitations
Q A neighbor is having a party for her son and did not invite my son. Our children have played together several times, more so over the past couple of weeks. I know it is not a family only party, as they are renting out an entire movie theatre. Should I say something? I thought we were all friends and am not sure if I am missing something. Our kids play together great and are very easy going. Should I say something or not? She even mentioned that she was having his party this weekend. What do I do.

Unsure

A Your neighbor opened up the door for discussion by mentioning the fact that her son's party is this weekend. So: you can ask her if he is invited. Say, "Would you, please, make something clear to me. When you told me about your son's birthday this weekend were you inviting him to the party or what? He obviously knows about your son's party, but we are unclear as to whether he is invited?"

Entertaining: Dining Chair Etiquette
Q Which side of the chair is correct for entering and exiting at a dinner table?

A You would slide into your chair to the right entering from the left hand side of the chair. You would slide out the way you slid in but to the left.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Aboard a Yacht
Q Is there anything special we should know about being a guest on a luxury yacht for dinner?

A Yes, wear shoes with soft soles. In Newport, we dress just as if we are going to a dinner party at a fine restaurant or to a dinner party in a private house. Personally, I would dress down and leave the jewels and the three-inch high heels at home, except if the dinner is on the "Whitehawk," which is hired for truly elegant over-the-top dinner parties.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Chewing
Q On a regular basis I have lunch with a very bright, attractive young woman who works in my field, who says I am her mentor. The problem is this: I dread these lunches because she chews with her mouth open. How can I gracefully tell her that she should NOT chew with her mouth open?

A Tell her the truth. The hallmark of a true friendship is honesty. My best pals tell me the good, the bad and the ugly. Telling her the truth will only strengthen the bond of friendship and make her a better lunch companion. If you have to pad the truth, tell her you think that people chew with their mouths closed because it is quieter.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Eating Dinner Rolls
Q At an executive dinner, one of my fellow co-workers picked up his dinner roll and bit into it as if it were an apple. I was appalled. I was always taught to break bread before eating it. What is the proper way to eat dinner rolls?

A Here in Newport, dinner rolls are primarily used as pushers in lieu of using a knife. You are absolutely right, a dinner roll is not bitten into as if it were an apple. Break a bite-size piece off the roll and leave the rest on the butter plate in the upper left-hand corner of the placesetting. When you are ready for more, break off another bite-size piece.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Forks
Q My mother-in-law always has all these forks on the table. How do I choose which fork to eat with which course?

A Sitting down to a choice of four forks doesn't have to be daunting. If the table is set to be user-friendly to the guests, you should find the meat or entree fork closest to the left side of your plate. The meat fork is the largest. To the left of it there might be a slightly smaller fork for the fish course, and then to the left again there would be an even smaller fork, which is for salad. At the top of your placesetting, horizontal above the plate, there might be a dessert fork with the handle pointing the left. The dessert spoon is above it with the handle to the right. When dessert is served, bring down the spoon to the right side of your dessert plate and with your left hand bring down your dessert fork. If clams or oysters on the half-shell or shrimp cocktail are being served, you will see an even smaller fork, shorter than a butter knife with three prongs instead of four, which would be for the first course and therefore positioned farthest from the plate.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Fussy Eaters
Q I am having a dinner party next week and would like to invite my friend Chloe who is a vegetarian. The other guests are not. Since I know that she is a vegetarian, am I obliged to make every course vegetarian? Should she politiely decline the dishes with meat? I want to include Chloe, but don't want to have to cook her a separate meal. Thanks--

A Unless the dinner is in honor of Chloe, you need not cater the entire meal to her tastes; however, it is the duty of the hostess to make every guest feel special. Tell Chloe what you are serving and then ask her if there is anything she can eat. (A polite, fussy guest will eat before going to a dinner party and never bring up the fact that she is a vegetarian.) Perhaps you could put baked potatoes, rice pilaf, vegetarian lasagne, ratatouille, or roasted vegetables on your menu with Chloe in mind.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Knives + Forks
Q I have a question that has BAFFLED me for years. At formal dinners, it seems like people eat their meat in one of two ways...I'm curious to know which is right. The first way is to keep the fork in the left hand (prongs facing down) and knife in the right...cut that way...then eat that way, too (eating with the fork in your left hand, prongs down). The knife stays in your left hand the whole time. The OTHER way (which I prefer) is to CUT as described above, then put the knife down, switch the fork to the right hand and eat using your right hand only. Which way is correct???

A Meg, you eat correctly. The fork is the key. The knife is for cutting or pushing the food on to your fork. Knives and forks are not flags and should never be waved. Meg, the way you eat helps you to pace your meal and keep your posture erect so food is less likely to drop in your lap.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Knowing Your Fork
Q I was recently at a dinner party where the salad was served after the main course European-style. At my place setting, there were two forks, a small one on the outside and a larger one on the inside. I had always been taught that you use forks from out in towards the plate, so I wasn't sure which fork to use first. I didn't want to use the small fork for the meat. What is the correct way to handle this fork situation?

A When in doubt, go by the size of the fork. The largest fork is for the meat course, a medium fork is for a fish course, and the smallest fork is for the salad. Dessert forks are traditionally either served with the dessert plate or have been placed at the head of your place setting over the dessert spoon to be pulled down when the dessert arrives. If you are the host, you can place the salad fork on the salad plate when you serve the salad. Otherwise, if your guest has used the salad fork for his meat course, as you are clearing his plate, you can suggest that if he would like cheese with his salad, he should keep his knife. If he cares, that might give him the cue to switch forks. At a very formal dinner where there are many implements, you will usually find a menu card on the table that will alert you to what foods you are being served and you can match your silverware accordingly.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Left-Handed Guest
Q This is my husband and my first Thanksgiving and we've invited both of our families. In doing a seating plan, we are worried about where to place Steve's uncle who is left-handed because the table will be crowded. Should we put him at the head of the table in Steve's place, or would that be too obvious?

A You and your husband are to be commended for your sensitivity toward the comfort of your guests. Steve's left-handed uncle would be able to cut his turkey comfortably if he is seated at a corner where he won't be jostling into his right-handed dinner partner.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Passing Food
Q When you are seated at a dinner party and the hostess puts a plate of cookies or a basket or bread in front of you, do you help yourself and then pass it to the next person or do you pass it around and wait for it to come back to you?

A When seated at dinner, pass food placed in front of you to the least occupied neighbor and wait for it to come back to you before helping yourself.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Paying for Dinner
Q In college and now in graduate school when I've been invited out to dinner with a friend and her parents, I never know whether I should offer to pay for my dinner. What should I do?

A If the parents have invited you for dinner, they expect to pay for you because they have invited you as their guest. Perhaps your parents will reciprocate at a later date or you will treat your friend even if it's just for coffee and a wrap.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Slow Eater
Q I was always taught to chew my food slowly so I am a very slow eater. To me dining with friends whether in a restaurant or at home is supposed to be a leisurely occasion. I am always the last person to finish eating but I don't think it's a bad thing. What annoys me is that the waiter will clear the other plates while I am still eating. Even at a dinner party, I'll look around and the plates are being cleared even though I still have half of my dinner left to eat. Is there anything I can do to slow people down while we're eating?

A Inevitably I, too, am the last person eating. As a hostess I continue eating until the last guest is finished. I never clear the table until I am sure everyone is through eating. When hosting a dinner in a restaurant, I will try to catch the waiter's eye and nod no-no, if he tries to pull the plates too soon. A good waiter will be sensitive to signals. If the waiter has already cleared a plate and is trying to take mine but a guest is still eating, I'll hover my hand, palm down, over my plate to signal for him to back-off, even if my plate is clean.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Soup Spoons
Q What do you do with your soup spoon at the end of that course? Do you leave it in the bowl or rest it on the saucer?

A Personally, once I start using any spoon I leave it on the saucer; however, if soup is served in large soup bowls, it is perfectly correct to leave the spoon in the bowl. If it is served in bouillon cups with handles, place the spoon on the saucer so it doesn't topple out when being removed. Remember to drink soup from the side of the spoon, never from the end: Think of the spoon as a canoe tipping the soup into your mouth horizontally.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: When to Leave
Q How long do you have to stay at a dinner party after coffee has been served when you really want to go home and go to bed? (not because it isn't a fun party but because you're tired and have to get up early to go to work or have an early tennis game)

A Here in Newport, being the first to leave a dinner party is always slightly agonizing. Usually, when the first person gets up to leave, the rest of the guests start thinking about not wanting to be the last one to leave, so they head for the door, too. Serving coffee is actually the hosts' way of politely saying, "Perk up and hit the road." As a hostess myself, I find that people stay too long.

Without noticeably looking at your watch, leave fifteen minutes after the coffee is served. Of course, if you need more time and coffee to sober up, stay until you are clear-headed. In Newport, a good host will make sure that a guest who has had a bit too much to drink is followed home by another guest because we watch our friends' backs. On the other hand, don't be afraid to lead the exodus. If you are feeling self-conscious, tell your host that you have "an early morning," but you need not go into details. On the other hand, sometimes everyone is having a jolly time lingering; then it is the host's lead to find a lull in the conversation, rise from his chair, and say, "Thank you all so much for coming."

Entertaining: Dinner Dance Definition
Q Is it possible to call an event with dancing and heavy hors d'oeuvres (rather than a served dinner) a dinner dance?

A If you say dinner dance, the guests will expect a seated candlelight dinner with a live band and they will dress accordingly. Why not call your party a "Cocktail Buffet," which is what you have just described. On the invitation you can also put the word "Dancing" across from the RSVP, but it isn't necessary.

Entertaining: Dinner of Six Seats Itself
Q When having a small dinner party involving three couples, what are the proper seating arrangements? Should the women be seated together or seated as a couple side to side?

A A dinner party of six seats itself, woman, man, woman, man, woman, man, without husband and wife seated side-by-side.

Entertaining: Dinner Out with the Boss
Q My husband and I are going out to dinner with my boss and his wife. What do we wear?

A It would depend upon the type of restaurant. If you know the name of the restaurant, visit it. Just look in the door. If the tables are covered with table cloths and the waiters are wearing jackets, you might want to wear a black dress with pearls, black medium high heels and a small black bag. Needless to say, you might not wear stiletto heels, rhinestones, or a plunging neckline. If the restaurant turns out to be less formal, then wear a sweater set and skirt. As I don't know your age or build, or whether you live in a big city or rural town or the climate, it is difficult to give you anything more than a general guideline. Your restaurant will tell you the dress code. So: pick up the telephone and if they say men have to wear a tie and jacket, you know the little black dress with pearls is perfect.

Entertaining: Dinner Party Gift
Q Is it always necessary to bring a gift to your dinner hostess?

A No, it is not necessary to bring a gift. It is more important that you telephone the next day or send a handwritten thank-you note the next. To reciprocate for a dinner party, you might return the invitation.

Entertaining: Dinner Party Gift
Q What would be an appropriate gift (if any) when invited to a dinner for a couple who recently married and were previously married twice before?

A An invitation is a social bid that is best reciprocated by a return social bid. Unless you are a houseguest or it is a birthday, you are not required to bring a gift to a dinner. On the other hand, if you do not anticipate returning the social bid at another point in time, you might bring a box of handcrafted chocolates or a bottle of very good wine or champagne to the dinner. More importantly, you would ring up the next day to say how much you enjoyed the dinner or send a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note.

Entertaining: Dinner Party: Inviting Guests at the Last Minute
Q For over a year now we've been trying to reciprocate a dinner invitation and have at last found a date that suits these new friends. We immediately invited another couple whom our guests of honor know, but not well, because we thought it was a good fit. The second couple has just bowed out citing a family obligation. My question is this: Is it best to dine with just the four of us or should I invite just any couple that might be available at the last minute?

A Instead of inviting a dreary couple that might not amuse you or your guests of honor, invite your most interesting and amusing single friend. That way, while you're scurrying around lighting candles and putting the food on the table, the single person will entertain your new friends. Instead of inviting some random couple who might or might not get along, or worse, feel competitive with your new friends, a single person is more apt to get along with a couple.

Entertaining: Dinner Plate + Charger
Q Can you serve dinner on a dinner plate on top of a charger?

A Yes, you can serve a dinner plate on top of a charger. Often dinner plates are very hot and the charger is a buffer between the plate and the table; the charger might even help to keep the dinner plate warm longer.

Entertaining: Dinner Table Conversation: Health Issues
Q I am considering writing a column about the etiquette of discussing your medical issues in public. As a Harvard psychiarist told me recently, "Not too long ago, one never talked about illness or medications; today, at dinner parties people routinely talk about the effexor they are taking". Any thoughts?


A The psychiatrist is correct. One just didn't talk about the weather or illness because it was considered boorish, or anything to do with money "in mixed" company because it was considered crude. Nowadays, it seems that those are the primary topics to which people gravitate. Because we travel more, weather is used as an excuse for being late "because of the traffic," or "because there were no cabs in the rain." As the population grows older, people find that they have more aches, pains, maladies, and physical complaints in common. If allowed, illness often becomes the common ground and therefore the main topic of conversation. Follow the banter at most social events: The easiest ground breaker is the weather because everyone can relate to the same bad or good weather. Then the discussion might drift further in that direction while guests seek another common link, and the topic becomes, say, How the bad weather made them late. After everyone has warmed to one another and the ice has been broken, the discussion goes from outward to being slightly more inward. Classically, this is the Who do you know? stage: the six stages of separation discussion. That inevitably leads to the How is he doing with his treatments? What is the latest prognosis? By the end of the evening, guests have progressed to the "weeping into their cognac stage" while lamenting a mutual friend with inoperable brain cancer. You will hear: Of all the people I know, he deserves this the least. He is such a good person. Why do the good die young? At this point any good host would have changed the topic. Even so, the parting words might include, "Please keep me in the loop about Mike. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know."

There are illnesses that one just doesn't talk about at the dinner table, such as problems with bowels, intestines, herpes, and foot funguses; whereas inoperable brain tumors from cellphone use is a permissible topic because now everybody we know uses a cellphone. As I said, conversation is all about connecting on common ground. Once the topic goes to a particular illness, people in turn voice opinions as to whether simply eating cherries will cure gout and keep it at bay, or is ColBenemid really the new "miracle cure." There is often the debate over the homeopathic route versus the drug that is currently being touted on TV and the Internet. Then there are the trendy illnesses such as MRSR in hospitals and nursing homes and the syphilis epidemic in Vermont.

In social conversation most of us start on the outside and work our way in. Sometimes literally, as in how we are coping with the weather, until we feel comfortable enough to start connecting on a deeper level. Before you know it guests have settled into the superficial chatter about, say, an item that is worn as a conversation starter, until we feel that it is safe to bring up Who we know in common. All that happens before going inward to what's really going on inside our head.

On the other hand, there are families who have banned the H topic from their dining room. Anything to do with health is not considered appropriate dinner conversation. If a guest starts moaning and groaning about some health problem, he or she is told that, "We do not discuss health problems at the dinner table."

Entertaining: Dinner With the Boss: December: Jeans
Q Hello,
My husband and I were invited to a dinner/get together in December at his boss's house. He currently works in construction and I'm pretty sure it's going to be casual but I'm not 100% sure. I was wondering if a nice top with a cute high waisted belt and a nice pair of jeans would be ok? Also what shoes? I am taller and don't want to tower over my husband all night?

A I love denim, but out of respect for your hosts, you might want to dress up just a bit. Instead of jeans, how about a black, knee-length, pencil shaped skirt with a pair of dressy flats to give the outfit a touch of holiday bling.

If this were a cook-out outdoors sitting at picnic tables, I would say OK, jeans would be fine. However, you're being invited to the boss's house for dinner. Somebody's going to a great deal of trouble to prepare a dinner party, so you want to dress the part.

Entertaining: Direction for Passing Food
Q When serving family-style from your table at home, in what order/direction do you start?

A Serve to the person on your right. If dad is carving the turkey, he passes the plates to the right to be passed down the right side of the table first stopping at the mom at the other head of the table. Then he would pass the plates to the left side. The plates would not be passed full circle around the table. If the plate full of carved turkey is being passed, it would be passed to the right and go around the table. Just try taking food off of a platter being held for you that is on your right side and you'll find that the right arm gets so cramped, it is difficult to take the food off the platter without almost knocking one's left elbow into the person on one's left side to make space for the right arm to flex. So: pass to the right.

Entertaining: Displaying Plastic Utensils
Q I'm having a party, 80 people, with a buffet (a lot of food). How do I best put out the plastic knives, forks, spoons and napkins so that it looks nice, but doesn't take up a lot of room? Thank you!

A Wrap, or rather roll, the plastic knife, fork and spoon tightly in a dinner napkin.

Entertaining: Divvying Up the Restaurant Bill
Q Hello Didi

My name is Lynda - I work with Rob on the postcard book. He's frequently mentioned your site and told me I should send you an "ask Didi" if I ever had an etiquette question.

I have a situation that often plays out (with some variation) in my social life. I am going out with two colleagues, who are also good friends, to celebrate an achievement that one of them just had. Both of them are bringing their husbands. I will be there alone. Since we are celebrating the friend, we are treating her. But, with the husbands involved, it gets a little complicated. As a single person, am I expected to pay the same "half" of the bill as my friend who is bringing her husband? And also, is the husband of the friend being celebrated supposed to be treated as well, or is he supposed to contribute to the bill?

In this particular instance, I would happily pay the entire bill, I am so proud of my friend and adore her. So, it's not necessarily about the money. It's just that I am in this situation frequently, and I am usually the "odd one out." Thus, people often look at me and ask me how we should divide the bill and I feel awkward saying anything other than - let's just split it equally, even if the other parties are couples. When mixing friendships and work it can become tricky, as sometimes it can get very expensive, and I am most often out with people much better off than I. Yet, I feel petty if I point out that I am only paying for one, even if the "couple" cost is more than I can afford.

Do you have any advice for how I should handle this situation in general?

Many thanks!

A It is generally assumed that the person who does the inviting is responsible for paying the bill, if she doesn't state that she is organizing a Dutch Treat dinner. By using the word "organizing," you make it clear that you are not paying the whole bill. If you didn't organize the celebration, then at dinner you would thank the person who was responsible for "organizing" the get together. It sounds as though whoever invited the honoree also invited the honoree's husband, which means that in this particular situation you would be responsible for half of the expense of the honoree and her husband as well as your own. However, it is possible that the honoree's husband might offer to pitch in and share the bill.

When the bill comes to the table it will most likely be given to the man, and then you can offer to pay your "share," which presumably in this situation would be the cost of two people. Ask to look at the bill, approximate a third--which would include the tax and gratuity--and have the cash ready to give to the person paying the bill. Maybe even have the bills out of your wallet so that you can gracefully slip your hand in and out of your handbag and pass your share to the person who is organizing the paying. Wait while he figures out the bill and then say, "Let me know if I can contribute more?"

Lynda, I apologize for taking so long getting back to you but I was away and couldn't use my laptop. Hope this info reaches you before the dinner. If you can spare the time, I would like to learn how the situation played out. In the future, when the bill is presented say that you would like to pay your "share" because that will make people aware of the fact that your share is that of one person. In general, you should not be expected to pay "half" of the bill, if there are more than two of you. That is why having the cash on hand ready to present, lets you off the hook when others offer credit cards and instruct the waiter to divide the amount equally between the cards. You can always inquire as to whether they think you owe more. Your friends and colleagues will get the message and you won't be expected to pay more than your share.

Entertaining: Do Not Want Children at Party
Q How do you word it on an ivitation if you do not want children at an event?

A You might not want to say anything negative on an invitation because it would give off a negative vibe; however, you might use a fill-in invitation where you would write in the names of the people you are inviting. Then by word-of-mouth you might tell your guests when they RSVP that you are not inviting any children.

Entertaining: Do They Celebrate a 28th Anniversary?
Q My parents's 28th wedding anniversary is coming up in May. My siblings and I have never had any kind of celebration for them in the past, and we feel particularly bad about not celebrating their 25th. I would really like to have an event with friends and family this year, but am wondering if this is slightly tacky since it is only their 28th. Should we forgo a gathering with friends and family this year and simply wait until their 30th? Thanks for the help!

A It is always positive to celebrate happy occasions. Timing is important; if you and your siblings feel like celebrating your parents' anniversary now, you should do so. If you choose to wait two years, it will give you more time to prepare. This is a family decision so you might give your parents the final word.

Entertaining: Do You Invite Clergy to Christening Party
Q Should clergy be invited to an after christening party?

A If you invite the clergyman, you would also have to invite his wife. It is traditional to extend the invitation to both; however, unless they are family friend's they probably will decline the invitation. Assuming the christening is on Sunday, which is his big day, after church they usually make the rounds to nursing homes and to parishioners who are shut-ins or are hospitalized.

Entertaining: Do You Send Thank-You for Hostess Gift
Q If throwing a party and you receive hostess gifts (with tag), should you send a thank-you note?

A No, you do not need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift; however, when the guest calls to thank you for inviting him to your wonderful party, you might thank him for the gift.

Entertaining: Do You Send Thank-You Note For Birthday Gifts
Q Do you send thank-you's for birthday gifts?

A It would depend upon the generosity of the present. If the present was a token gift, you might telephone the next day to tell the giver how much you loved the long stem rose he brought to your birthday party. If the book was a gift, you might telephone her after you've started (or finished) reading the book, to thank her and tell her how much you enjoy the novel. If someone gives you an obviously expensive gift or a gift of great sentiment, you might want to write a thank-you note telling him how much you greatly appreciate his gift, and why. Giving and thanking are always good.

Entertaining: Doe and Stag Party
Q Do you take a gift to a party for the couple where you buy tickets and there are draws, prizes, etc.? It is like a stag but men and women are invited?

A No, you definitely do not take presents, unless it is a birthday for someone. Yes, the reference to stag is a single male deer and the reference to doe is a single female deer and it is a play on "going stag," so stag and doe means that singles are welcome-----but you can certainly go if you're a couple. The buying of the tickets might be to pay for the cost of the party. Wear jeans, heels, and a cute dressy top.

Entertaining: Dollar Amont for Bat Mitazvah Gift
Q What is the proper dollar amount to give as a gift for a Bat Mitzvah?

A The dollar amount would be equal to the cost of the luncheon or dinner following the ceremony. Depending upon the facility where the party is being held and the size of the town or city, the gift might be between $100 to $200 per guest and might possibly go way up from there.

Entertaining: Dress Code: "Luncheon Chic"
Q I've been invited to a charity luncheon at a museum where the previous governor's wife is speaking. The dress is: "Luncheon Chic". I am 43 and size 12-14. Can you make suggestions?

A Wear a skirt suit or day dress with sleeves or a jacket. You can, of course, wear a pantsuit with a beautiful blouse, but "Luncheon Chic" makes me think of great hats with either a skirt suit or dress with three-quarter-length sleeves. The hem would fall just above your knees, if you have good legs (and knees), or just below if you would prefer to cover your knees. Chic always means a beautiful bag and shoes.

Entertaining: Dress Code: 13-Year-Old Girl: Gold Shoes
Q Can a 13-year-old girl wear a gray dress with gold shoes and ivory tights?

A Actually, that sounds OK, however, I might have her switch out the gold shoes for red or black patent leather and she'll still get the same snap, but won't look as though she's wearing her big sister's shoes.

Entertaining: Dress Code: 50th Birthday Party: 40-Year-Old Man
Q I am attending friend's 50th birthday party.

What should I wear.

I am 40 years old.

I was thinking to wear button down shirt with French cuff and collar.

Chino and navy blazer.



A After six o'clock, you wouldn't wear a button down collared shirt. Love the navy blue blazer with khakis!

Entertaining: Dress Code: 70th Birthday Party: White
Q Having a 70th birthday party and want guests to wear white which is my theme. How do I word this on invitation other then saying Dress code is white? Thanks.

A To be perfectly frank, "White" is not a happy dress code. For all sorts of reasons, people don't like be asked to wear all white. My guess is: white isn't a flattering color for guests who aren't skinny. If I were you, I would rethink your choice of dress code. Don't get me wrong, I love winter white cashmere in January and white linen in August. When chairing a summer party in Newport one summer, I received flack from older people about the White dress code. Needless to say, I've since left the white dress code to the bride. Have fun with this. Make the theme Black & White, and all your guests will concur.

Entertaining: Dress Code: 80th Birthday Party: Upscale Steakhouse
Q What is appropriate attire for an 80th birthday party at an upscale steakhouse?

A The dress code for a celebration at an upscale steakhouse would be best business attire. A man would wear a suit or best sports jacket with a collared, but not button down shirt, a tie, and gray flannels, with dark leather polished shoes, socks and belt. A woman would wear either a dress with any length sleeve, that falls to the knee, or a well-tailored skirt suit, or pantsuit, with beautiful shoes and a ladies handbag or clutch.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Afternoon Outdoor Reception: Hat
Q I am going to a royal reception this afternoon in honor of the wedding of Charles and Katherine. It is going to be an outdoor symphony orchestra performing outside at 4:00 in the afternoon on the grounds of the ruins of a
grand plantation which was burned during the civil war which is not usually open to the public. It is a dress-up affair. I am wearing what I wore on Easter Sunday and my husband is wearing his seersucker suit. I was
wondering if I could wear my hat. I'm pretty sure my hat is a fascinator. It is held on by a headband but is to the side and is small but has some feathers, jewels, and is very smart looking. Nothing big. What do you
think?



A I am a big fan of hats and fascinators. Yes, please wear your fascinator. If you were going to Westminster Abbey, I would recommend a hat, but for an outdoor afternoon reception the fascinator is perfect. Have a lovely day

Entertaining: Dress Code: Black or Brown Shoes
Q WHAT COLOR SHOES CAN I WEAR WITH GRAY PANTS AND BLUE BLAZER?

A Black or brown, depending upon the time of day of the occasion. Later in the day, darker the shoe.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Black Tie for Women
Q What type of dress is required for a "black tie" affair for women? Does it mean floor-length gown or is a cocktail dress acceptable?

A By examining the invitation, you should be able to figure out the formality of the party and therefore, if women are being asked to wear ball gowns, evening dresses, or dressy cocktail-length dresses. For instance, if the invitation is inviting for "a small dance," or "a dance" starting at ten o'clock, then a short dressy cocktail dress is perfect. If it is for a "ball," or formal "dinner dance," starting at seven thirty or eight o'clock and the band leader or the orchestra's name is listed, then you would wear an evening dress or ball gown. There are other ways that you can gauge the formality of the event: when an engraved invitation is for a dinner dance or ball and there is a reply card on which you write your name(s, then you can be assured that there will be assigned seating at this "Black tie" party where an evening dress is fitting. If you still cannot tell and because I want you to be appropriately dressed, ask someone else who is going. Just say, "What are you wearing to ...." If there is no reply card, and the RSVP is a phone number or email address, you are safe wearing a cocktail dress.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Black Tie: 21 Years Old: Alabama in December
Q I am a 21-year-old female. Long blonde hair. Size 4. What do I wear to a black-tie event in December in Alabama?

A Since I don't know anything about the event and little about you, this would be my best guess. Wear a lovely long evening dress or beautiful cocktail dress that falls just above the knee. It can be chiffon with a floral print or a soft pastel color, and pretty high heels. Or if you're really tall, wear beautiful flats. Go to a nice department store and look for evening dresses. Alternatively, you can look online either by going to the sites of major department stores or discount online outlets such as bluefly.com. Look for dresses by the following designers: Marc by Marc Jacobs, Milly, Diane von Furstenberg, Elle Tahari, Alice + Olivia, Nanette Lepore, Shoshanna, Tibi, Rebecca Taylor, Theory, Rachel Zoe, Carmen Marc Valvo, Halston Vintage, Suzi Chin, Nicole Miller, and Donna Morgan. The only reason I suggest a store is that if you need to have the dress altered, they can do that there for you. Also, after you find the dress, you can look for beautiful shoes. You would carry a small clutch bag for your lipgloss. In December in Alabama, you might need a pashmina or light coat, but wear what you have and don't worry about that because at 21 you won't be expected to wear an evening coat.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Boots & Bling
Q I am invited to a memorial for a lady in Austin, Texas. It is early evening and will go on through the night with dinner and dancing; the attire is boots and bling. What does that mean?

A It means wear your very best cowboy boots and diamonds. A man would wear a dark suit with boots, white shirt and tie. Women will be wearing their most beautiful cocktail dress and finest jewelry.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Brunch: Sunday Champagne
Q What should a man wear to a Sunday Champagne brunch?

A You would dress for the location of the Sunday brunch. In other words, you would dress differently in San Francisco than in New York City. You would wear a tie and jacket to a brunch at a private club or high-end restaurant. If the brunch follows a Christening, you will be dressed for Church. Jeans, leather jacket, and boots would be OK for brunch in Soho, Noho, Chelsea, and the West Village, but not on the Upper East Side of New York City. You get the picture. Dress to fit into the scene. Also, some people believe in dressing your age. For many men that means a well-made jacket and gray flannels. Ask your hosts if they would like you to wear a tie and jacket.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Buisness: Husband's Retirement Party: 2:00 PM
Q What is the appropriate thing for me to wear to my husband's retirement function? It is at 2:00 pm and is a reception involving business colleagues and invited family.

A Wear your best business attire. A well-tailored day dress or beautiful skirt suit that falls to your knees, with classic black pumps.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Bull Roast: Dress Casual: Men + Women
Q What is the proper attire for a politician's birthday party? I believe it is a bull roast in DC. I was told it is casual.

A Dress down, a bull roast is the Chesapeake Bay area version of a pig roast. Think of it as an expensive barbecue where you'll be eating pit beef, meat pulled from the roasted bull. If you were specifically told to dress casual, then you won't need a tie a jacket, but because it is a politician's birthday party there will be lots of photographs, so you wouldn't wear ripped denim, cargo pants, shorts, a T-shirt with a slogan, flip-flops, men's sandals, bare midriff, a mini-mini skirt, baseball cap, ripped or tattered blue jeans.

Instead, you would wear well-made casual clothing such as dress khakis with a collared shirt and loafers or docksiders, but no socks. A woman would wear a beautiful tunic or blouse with pants or a skirt and strappy sandals.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Business Holiday Party
Q I am also invited to go another Holiday party with my boyfriend for his work. It is located at the Best Western Banquet Hall in Falls Church, VA. The event is located inside. It is a family-invited event. I am bringing my daughter who will be wearing a Christmas dress. Now I am stuck again on what I should wear. I am 23 and 5'9. I need an outfit that does not require heels as I will be chasing down my daughter as well as not wanting to kill my feet the entire night (or be taller than everyone else!)
Do you have any ideas on what to wear? I was thinking of wearing suede boots (you know the style that 20-year-olds wear), with black jeggings or leggings, and a sweater dress, or a short sweater. I am just thinking that it may be too hot to wear a sweater to an indoor event.

A I love the idea of the suede boots and leggings, but as you say, with the sweater dress you might be too hot. Why not wear the sweater dress with legwear and beautiful flats. Not thick tights, but a sheerer legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone with a bit of shine to it to dress up your legs. Alternatively, wear a wrap jersey dress with the suede boots and, again, dressier legwear than thick tights. Just by wearing sheerer legwear than tights or leggings you will dress up your outfit and won't be so hot.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Casual Chic
Q I am helping with planning a 50th birthday and the guests are inquiring about the attire. The host wants the attire to be casual chic and she wants to send an email becuase it was not included on the invitation. What is casual chic and how should I word the email?

Thank you
Kelly T

A A "casual chic" dress code would depend upon the venue and the location of the event. For instance, for a BBQ, picnic, cocktail party, cookout, clambake, or restaurant dinner, the dress code might vary. For men the word "casual" usually means no socks and no tie need to be worn. However, if the party is taking place in a restaurant or private club that has a jacket and tie dress code, then you would conform to that. It is important to be crystal-clear when stating a dress code and stay away from such cute cliches as "Casual Chic." Even though the invitation has already gone out, you can easily send out a reminder that says something breezy such as this:

Just a reminder that Charlie's Fiftieth on Friday, July 16th, at seven o'clock is casual, so ties aren't necessary. However, remember that it is a surprise!

In this instance, you do not need to instruct women on how to dress because they know that the "No tie" dress code means that a woman would dress casual but well. "Well" meaning that the quality of the fabric and design is what makes the outfit chic. Just the word "tie" puts both genders on the alert that it is about being chic, even when ties are not necessary. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Basically you don't want people feeling out of place when they show up in a tuxedo or jeans. If a woman is unsure as to what to wear, she will call a friend who she knows is going, too, and they will both decide, say, to wear silk slacks. Likewise, "no tie" to a man means a good jacket, slacks, shirt and shoes, but no tie. On the other hand, if you want to go up a notch without having it "black tie," then you would state "Jacket and Tie" as the dress code. Remember, also, that "casual chic" has a different meaning in Los Angeles than it does in Newport. In LA "casual chic" in summer can mean designer jeans, in Newport it would mean navy blue blazers and cream colored or khaki slacks, but both would be no socks. Another thing to remember is that men in their forties through sixties tend to like to wear jackets, but not necessarily ties.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Children: Black Tie Bar Mitzvah
Q My whole family, including my eight-year-old and six-year-old sons, have been invited to a cousin's "black tie" bar mitzvah at a posh country club in September. Do boys that young wear tuxedos, too, or just suits?

A Why not have the boys wear navy blue blazers, long sleeved collared shirts with a clip-on bow tie, white pants, and dark brown shoes? Putting boys of that age in tuxedos makes them look like monkeys and behave like monkeys. Think of it this way: if this were a black tie wedding, they would not wear tuxedos. You might question the white pants in September, but boys look handsome in white and navy blue and silly in black. Don't forget, white pants and blazers are very country clubesque up until October. The clip on bow tie is fine because they can put it in their pocket once the service is over, or you can take them off. Whatever you do, don't dress them in suits because they will look as if they are going to a funeral and a bar mitzvah is a joyous celebration.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Christmas Cowboy Casual
Q My husband and I are invited to a Birthday Party and the attire is, "Christmas Cowboy Casual". I am a 56-year-old lady and 5'6". What do I wear?

A Wear whatever you have that is suede or leather. A thin leather jacket with a black pencil knee-length skirt and boots would work. Add a feminine blouse and earrings for festive pop. You wouldn't wear all leather head to toe, but leather boots, leather skirts, leather pants, and leather jackets have that casual cowboy look.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Christmas Dinner Dance: Country Club/Yacht Club
Q What do you wear to an upscale country club/yacht club Christmas dinner/dance?

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. That would means best dark business suits for the men with white shirts, ties, and black shoes, socks and belts. For the women it would mean either a dressy dinner suit, a beautiful cocktail dress, or a lovely long skirt with beautiful blouse or tunic, and of course fabulous shoes. Carry an elegant small clutch. If you're not sure of the dress code, telephone the event planner at the country club/yacht club and he/she will tell you the drill for dress code.

I might add that some men do wear their highland kilts, so now is your time to wear it.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Christmas Dinner Dance: Sleeveless
Q Is it appropriate to wear a sleeveless dress to the dinner portion of a Christmas dinner dance?

A Absolutely! Wear that sleeveless evening dress even if it's strapless. If your arms are buff, go for it. Christmas dinner dances can be nearly as fun as New Year's Eve!

Entertaining: Dress Code: Cocktail Masquerade Party: Black Dress Cocktail Dress
Q I am attending a cocktail masquerade party. The attire is black dress cocktail and my question is regarding fashion. Should I not wear hosiery, wear hosiery, and if so should it be nude, sheer black or black?

A Whether to wear stockings, pantyhose, or to go bare-legged this time of year depends upon how well your legs are groomed. If your legs are toned, tanned, and shiny, then by all means show off those naturally beautiful legs.

On the other hand, brands such as Wolford makes the most marvelous luxury pantyhose that somehow manage to tone and shine the dullest looking legs. The question of what color has to do with the dress. With a black dress you can wear either sheer and shiny pale nude or sheer and shiny black pantyhose or stockings.

"Dressy" pantyhose/stockings should either be black or slightly paler than your skin tone. You want to take care that your legs don't look artificially "tanned," because if they are more bronze than your arms and chest, they are too dark.

For "Black Dress Cocktail Attire," the pantyhose should have a bit of shine or sparkle, or both, otherwise they can end up looking dull or too heavy, like leggings.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Country Club Attire
Q Hello,

I am working on attire wording for an invitation I am making for a 90th birthday party. It is a luncheon held at a country club with a dress code that encompasses no jeans and collared shirts... Is there a succinct, couth way of wording it? Will people know what I'm getting at if I simply write Country Club Attire? Thank you!

A Guests will assume the dress code "Country Club Attire" means that they have to be dressed nicely or they'll feel out of place. You can also use the dress code "Jacket and Tie," which would rule out jeans and collarless shirts. Also, "Jackets Required," which sounds as though you're quoting the country club dress requirement for luncheons.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Cruise Wear: Twice Around the Deck
Q I am going on a cruise and would like to cover my arms but not with a jacket or wrap but still wear an evening dress without sleeves. Any suggestions?
Carol

A A large square scarf 56 x 56 inches either in a cashmere/silk or the equivalent, patterned as in an Hermes, or a lovely solid color. You've seen this classic style in old movies where a couple in evening clothes are on deck after dinner staring out at the full moon reflecting on the ocean. Bracing themselves against the wind, she wraps the scarf around her head and neck before they embrace. What a swoon!

Entertaining: Dress Code: Debutante Ball:
Q Dear Mrs. Didi Lorillard,
My question is about guidelines for appropriate dress.
I have found your address from a web search and I hope I don't bother you with this matter. We women have to ever show the best and right image, and definitely when it is related to our professional career. Yet I have not found the accurate answer in your Frequently Asked Questions section (black tie, ball...). Anyways, I dare to tell you my problem, since you look so skilled in these matters.
I shall be attending a society ball (located in a southern state) as a guest of honour for my company, where I am a new one and begin a professional career. Since my company has set a partnership with this Foundation, I am required to attend and act as ambassador to the event. I don't live in States and have never attended such events so I have no idea of what I have to wear, how I shall dress and behave without any faux pas (unthinkable in my position ! I shall be in limelight for the afternoon photo session, a receiving line, the speeches, the Presentation of the Debutantes, and so on, likely all night long). The label for this affair is puzzling for me: "The (...) Ball is a strictly ultra formal affair. Ladies are expected to dress according the proper etiquette." Needless to say, when you share with such people, you are supposed to be aware of the unspoken rules; on a professional phone call, my partner (who asked for me to be among the Chairwomen of the Committee) said to me, while talking about the organization and planning, "il va de soi, nous porterons toute la toilette de Grand Bal complete" ("of course, all of us shall be fully dressed in Grand Ball attire"). So you don't comment, don't ask, and agree... and now, what ???
Our consultant in my company thinks that it only means any smart evening dress, as a tea-length cocktail dress with flowing skirt, not the common fancy attire we wear at a plain dance party; but I am not sure and prefer to check the matter twice; after what I know from my partners I suppose it's rather conservative, there are dos and donts ??? I have found too that ultra-formal usually could mean white tie, far more strict dress code with distinct guidelines, as required accessories contributing to etiquette. For clause of confidency - it's a private affair - I can't tell you the location of the event - and please don't post my question with these details! If you can be so kind to help me a little? What's de rigueur for me - the right dress and the essentials which must be included to my attire? What is the etiquette for such an affair?
Best regards.
PS: Expenses for this affair will be in charge of my company, so getting the right dress and so is not a point for me. And I have a few months left, so we have the time to schedule and find the right attire ...

A I'm humbled by your confidence, but daunted because I have so little information. As you know, how one dresses for an event of any kind depends upon the time of year, location, climate, time of day, venue (seated dinner dance, ball, etc.), and then your age, build, coloring, and style would have to be considered. Since the only information I have to work with is that it is a Debutante Ball in a southern US state, I'll do my best.

As I have attended many such balls in New York City, as a debutante and as the mother of two debutantes and a committee member, I think I can be of help. Debutante Balls are very formal, especially in the South. The debutante's escorts, and there are often two, dress in black or white tie, and sometimes one escort will be in military attire. Other male guests wear a tuxedo and black tie, although in the South often it's a colorful bow tie and cummerbund. As you are an honorary committee member, you would wear a ball gown or an evening gown with long white kid gloves. Whether you decide on a ball gown, which has a ballooning crinoline underskirt, or an evening gown, which is form fitting and often has a fitted jacket or three-quarter-length sleeve, would depend upon your style, age, and build. A floor-length dress such as either of these would be fitted to you, if not made for you, and would require several months of preparation and at least two fittings. However, these dresses can be found in better up-scale department stores that provide expert fitters for less money and considerably less time.

In my opinion, a tea-length dress would be neither appropriate nor flattering. Tea-length dresses don't look well on anyone over the age of 21. They aren't flattering because they cut a woman's calves in half. You could, however, get away with wearing a very dressy well-made skirt suit, which is often called a dinner suit, that falls just below your knee.

Whatever you decide, you would accessorize gently: one
great engagement ring, a dressy evening watch or bracelet, which would be covered for part of the evening by your long white gloves (or three-quarter length gloves, if there's a sleeve), a necklace or earrings. A fabulous brooch on an evening dress is classic, but then you wouldn't need a necklace. The gloves don't have to be kid, as the Italians make an excellent long nylon glove that is easier to handle. You would wear beautiful shoes ether the color of the dress or black, probably in a satin with a bit of a heel. Just be sure to break them in ahead of time because you will be on your feet in the receiving line and during the cocktail hour, and of course there will be dancing.

Depending upon the climate, you may or may not need an evening coat. If possible, book a room in the hotel where the ball is taking place to eliminate the need of an evening coat.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Determining What to Wear
Q We are having a 50th anniversary party for my in-laws. What is the proper clothing to wear?

A First identify the dress code. Is it a formal black-tie dinner dance? Is it a semi-formal cocktail party where the male guests would be expected to wear jackets and ties? Is it an informal family potluck dinner to which the men are not expected to wear ties or jackets? The dress code is also determined by the time of day, as you might dress more casually for a brunch or lunch in a private home than you would if you were going out to dine in an upscale restaurant with white tablecloths and haute cuisine. If the invitation is for an eight o'clock candlelight dinner with dancing, the women would wear evening dresses and the men would wear dark suits, white collared non-button down shirts, ties, and black socks, shoes and belt. If the invitation doesn't state the dress code, then you can expect guests to dress casually. The location is important as well. For instance California and Oregon are ever so much more casual than, say, New York or Washington, DC.

If you are the hosts trying to set the dress code, think of how the anniversary couple would dress for a party in their honor and list the dress code accordingly taking into consideration the factors of time of day and venue of the anniversary celebration. If it is a brunch, barbeque, tea dance, clambake, cookout, or dinner dance, state so on the invitation. If the party is for cocktails, say that and guests will show up in cocktail attire.

Afraid the men won't show up in jackets and ties and you want them to because you know that your father-in-law will be wearing his best jacket and favorite tie? Write "Jackets and Ties" in the bottom right hand corner of the invitation.

Please e-mail me the details of the 50th anniversary party and I would be happy to help you compose the invitation.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Dinner with the Boss: Mexican Restaurant
Q I have to attend a dinner with my husband's new boss and his co-workers...the Mexican restaurant attire says Casual Dress. I'm 29 yrs old, 5'1 and usually wear a size medium. I was considering wearing dress pants, but was not sure if this was appropriate. My husband will be coming right from work. He usually wears a dress shirt and pants/khakis to work. What would be the best thing to wear? Thank you!

A Wear a skirt suit with a crisp white blouse. This is a professional dinner, not a social occasion. If you don't have a skirt suit that falls just above your knees, then wear a pantsuit. You're newly wed and your husband's boss wants to get to know you as a couple, so out of respect you would dress in a professional manner, even if the restaurant attire says Casual Dress.

Entertaining: Dress Code: East Hampton White Attire
Q I am going to a dinner party and what does East Hampton White attire mean?

A Not to be confused with "White Tie," the host is referring to "summer whites," as opposed to winter black. In other words, for East Hampton White attire think in terms of white eyelet or lace, white linen or silk slacks, a white tiered cotton skirt, a beautiful white peasant blouse, and a long white cotton "Mexican" dress with a great turquoise and silver necklace or belt; for men, white, or off-white, trousers with a white shirt and/or jacket. Not to worry, you don't have to go as totally white as you would if you were playing on an "All White Attire Only" tennis court. Quite simply it means summer whites. As opposed to winter blacks.

In my opinion, nothing gives a better impression of good grooming and being well dressed than spotless white. Nothing is more beautiful on a dance floor than a beautiful white evening gown. White is really more beautiful than any other color on a summer evening.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Evening: Black Velvet
Q Is black velvet still all right to wear to an evening soiree after the holidays in January?

A Velvet is a luxury fabric perfect for wearing in the evening, especially during the coolest months. Black velvet in the evening is always chic from November through April in cooler climates.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Fancy Dinner Date: 18-Years-Old
Q Hi, I have a small problem here...
I am an 18-year-old girl, and I am a tomboy... I never pictured myself going on any kind of a 'fancy date'. Well, my boyfriend has decided he is going to take me to a nice dinner. I didn't think it was going to be super fancy dressing or anything... Until he told me he was wearing a tux... So I have no idea what to wear. I can't afford to buy a new dress, and I only have two that I would even consider for this. What I originally was going to wear is a short blue dress, one strap. It is above my knees. The only other nice dress I have is my prom dress... but it isn't big and puffy or anything... It is kind of a steel gray color and has one strap. Which would be more appropriate? I know nothing about these kinds of things and your help would be much appreciated... Thanks

A You've narrowed it down to color. Light blue or gray? If you are in a warm climate, then the light blue would be beautiful. If you are in a cold climate, wear the chic gray dress. Shoes are key, wear beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Gala: Florida
Q I live in Florida and will be attending a "Gala" in April. The invitation said "cocktail attire". Keep in mind, Didi, I'm over 60, 5 ft 7", have a balance problem so I cannot wear too high a heel, and I'm long-waisted but have great legs, yet I do not want to look like a 20 something. Miss growing up in New England where they knew how to dress. I'm afraid that down here they consider "cocktail attire" no flipflops, LOL.

A I'm curious that the invitation calls the event a "Gala," and yet the dress code is "Cocktail Attire." It seems like a disconnect to me because a Gala is formal. First off, you wouldn't wear an evening gown or long dress when the dress code states Cocktail Attire. Cocktail Attire means suits and short dresses. Wear a well-tailored, knee-length cocktail dress or dressy skirt suit, with beautiful shoes that don't have to be high. Flats are perfectly acceptable, it they are beautiful. Carry a small clutch bag, or as we say in New England, an evening bag. Because you are long-waisted, you want to be sure your outfit is professionally tailored to flatter your feminine curves. It is entirely possible that you have a black cocktail dress that you can have tailored. It should just cover your knees and nip in at the waist. And a pair of comfy black peau de soie pumps you can have freshened up. Wear your best jewels.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Harvard Faculty Club Dinner
Q Hi Didi,
I am attending a cocktail/dinner at Harvard Faculty Club after finishing a program. I have planned to wear a dark brown bow, dark brown jacket, brown leather belt, khaki (dark beige color) trouser and dark brown shoes. Is that set-up safe ?!.

A I'm not a huge fan of bow ties. Can you wear a straight tie that is perhaps moss green, navy blue, or crimson? You don't want to be too matchy-matchy because it will look as though you are trying too hard. Also, wear gray flannels; that will mix it up. You wouldn't wear khakis to a dinner at the Harvard Faculty Club. When in doubt wear gray flannels.

Entertaining: Dress Code: High Tea
Q I am invited to a high tea and Evensong after. What is the proper attire? Do I bring a gift?

A If you are a woman, you might wear a pretty dress, lovely hat, and short, white gloves. If you are a man, you might wear a navy blue blazer and khaki pants with a tie. No, you do not need to bring a gift; however, you might send a handwritten thank-you note to your host and/or hostess.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Holiday Party
Q My husband and I have been invited to attend a holiday (Christmas) party at 7:00 pm on a Saturday. Dinner and drinks with a martini bar. I have no idea what is appropriate for either of us to wear!

A Saturday nights during the holidays you want to dress up in a festive and fashionable way. In general parties in cities are dressier than in the country, so you'll have to be the judge of how dressed up you get. Your husband would definitely wear his best sports jacket (if not a suit) and gray flannels, with dark shoes, but his tie and socks can be more festive. You would wear a well-made cocktail dress that falls to your knee, if under 55, or else just covering your knee, with beautiful shoes. As I don't know the climate of your where you are, this is obviously a general answer but you can always adapt by wearing gloves and an overcoat. Just the fact that there will be a martini bar tells you that a LBD (little black dress) is just the dress for drinking martinis.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Holiday Party: Casual Elegant Attire
Q Hello,
I'm going to a holiday party at my husband's job. It's our first year going so I don't know what to wear. He works at the Mandarin Oriental Miami, this is also the location of the party. It will be held on this upcoming Sunday at 6pm. They asked for casual-elegant attire. I have no idea what I should wear, I'm 27 years old, 5'3" and curvy.

A You want to dress up to show that you and your husband know how to dress and behave in an executive situation. Wear a LBD (little black dress), a cocktail dress. Make it simple and black, it should fall to your knee, not much above. Wear beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. Take it easy on the jewelry.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Ivory and Gold
Q What is the proper etiquette for attire of the children and grandchildren of the celebrants of a 50th Wedding Anniversary? This will be a formal affair. Is it appropriate for the entire family to be dressed in Ivory and Gold or just the celebrants, my Parents?

A You wouldn't want your guests unable to attend because he/she doesn't have an ivory and gold outfit. On the invitation list the dress code as "Black tie," and you will be telling people to wear their most formal clothing. In these frugal times, you don't want people declining the invitation because they cannot spend the money to buy an ivory and gold outfit. The best that you can do is have the children and grandchildren wear their best clothing. The boys would wear blazers and collared shirts, khaki or dark pants (not jeans), socks, and shined shoes. The older boys would wear a tie. The girls would wear their best dress, knee-length or long. Having daughters of my own, I have learned that it is important for girls to choose what they want to wear. If it is explained to a child that everyone will be wearing their best clothing, the child will not want to feel different by wearing grungy clothing. Talking to the child ahead of time, will help the child to start thinking about the outfit and allow him/her to ask for help with the details, if need be. In my opinion, since you have such a diverse age group, I wouldn't make the party that formal. Instead, I would have the dress code "Jacket and tie." If the men are all required to wear a jacket and tie, then the women will also dress appropriately. Through word of mouth, for gifts why not have the children and grandchildren bring their favorite photograph of themselves?

Entertaining: Dress code: Lady's Lunch: Wearing Beige
Q I'm attending a ladies luncheon tomorrow in Montreal. The weather will be cool and rainy. Is it appropriate to wear a beige linen jacket?

A Funnily enough, I was looking for a beige jacket today. By all means, wear beige. I love beige with beige, so if you have beige shoes and bag, do wear tone on tone.

Entertaining: Dress code: Leather Dress: Evening
Q Hello, I'm Maria from Portugal and I've a big question for you...I've a beautiful black leather dress and I've a dinner party with some business colleagues and I don't know what else should I wear- what type of jacket, accessories, heals, clutch and colors. I'm 1.65 mts., my skin is very white, blonde hair and green eyes. Helpppp!

A Where are you, because if you're in Miami or Chicago the climate will be different this time of year. The black leather dress sounds absolutely fabulous; if you're in a cold climate, you might want a big soft knit sweater jacket. Leather is fairly warm, so unless you're in the north, you should be fine.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Legwear: Cocktail Dresses + Skirts
Q Hi Didi,

I have worked at the same company for 10 years (a rather conservative corporate environment). I have a horrible ankle tattoo that wraps around my right ankle that I got when I was 18 and now is the biggest regret of my life. As such, I have only worn pants to work in the 10 years I have been there. Up until this year we have always had black- tie Christmas parties, and I always wore full length gowns. This year we are having a cocktail party instead. I have no idea what to wear. I would love to wear a dress, as I would like to dress appropriately, plus I am so tired of wearing pants all the time. I also think people might think it's strange if I always wear pants. Some people have suggested that I wear opaque tights with a short dress to cover the tattoo, but I saw one of your comments saying never to wear tights with a cocktail dress. One friend suggested boots, but I don't picture them with cocktail attire. I have tried makeup designed to cover tattoos, but they don't work for me. Do you think pants are my only option?

A There is practically nothing more stunning than a pair of velvet or satin slacks with a beautiful blouse or cashmere sweater. If you want to wear a short dress, then wear boots or quality legwear to cover your tattoo. Dress boots, short and long, are very fashionable Fall through Spring. As I don't know the climate where you live, I should mention that in cool weather, high boots up to the knee, either black suede or fine leather, are quite chic with the right cocktail dress (such as a wrap knee-length jersey); especially with a short black leather jacket. Pants are definitely an option for cocktail parties, as long as they are in a luxury fabric such as satin, velvet, suede, leather, and in a warmer climate silk and linen.

I am not opposed to black opaque stockings with a skirt or dress, but there is opaque and there is opaque. It's about the quality of the legwear. To see examples of fine legwear, look for black legwear online at the Wolford site to see what I mean. When there is a shine or shimmer to the legwear, they are dressy enough to wear with a cocktail dress or dressy skirt suit. The issue is with the texture of most black opaque legwear. Most looks too dense and therefore, not dressy enough. There is a difference between the texture of black tights that you see with a black leotard at a dance class, and legwear on the Wolford site that is worn with a beautiful dress. You should also be able to find quality legwear in your local department store that is dressy enough.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Lunch: Wearing a Long Gown To Lunch
Q I am hosting a formal lunch for my daughter at a fancy hotel in December, can I wear a gown?

A What kind of gown? A hostess gown? Wouldn't you feel awkward traipsing around in a long gown in the middle of the day? It might look as though the airline had lost your luggage and you had no other clothing. Why not wear an elegant skirt suit that falls just below your knees with beautiful shoes?

Entertaining: Dress Code: Men: Taking Off Your Jacket
Q Can one remove his coat while at the table?

A Presumably, you would have left your coat in the checkroom or near the entrance way. If the host has taken off his jacket, then you can take off your jacket. If the host has not taken off his jacket and you are uncomfortable, then you can ask your host or hostess if he or she wouldn't mind if you took off your jacket. If you are the host, you can set the lead by taking off your jacket and encouraging the other men to take their jackets off, too.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Mother + Daughter Tea Party
Q What colors should I use for a Mother/Daughter tea party? Is there a color for mother and daughter?

A It would depend upon the color of the room where the tea party is being held, the size and shape of the mother and daughter, what colors suit you as individuals, the season, and the climate. When in doubt, beige and ice blue are safe colors for afternoon tea.

Entertaining: Dress Code: New Year's Eve
Q So much confusion about women's hosiery! What is appropriate to wear with a black "cocktail" dress in warm weather? Bare legs? Pantyhose - sheer black or nude? The dress has a silver shimmer in the fabric and I would like to wear silver shoes but the leg-wear is a challenge. I have both closed toe and open toe shoes.

A When in a warm climate and your legs are well-groomed and buff, shimmer them up with one of those excellent products easily found in the body lotion section of your drug store. Alternatively, I love Wolford legwear, which you can find on line or in any upscale department store. Actually, most high-end legwear that has a bit of shine and shimmer to it is fabulous for evening. In a warm climate, black legwear is too wintery. Go with a lighter shade than your skin tone that has a bit of shine to it to dress up those legs, making them even more alluring. Unless the legwear doesn't have a reinforced toe area, either go bare legged and glossed with a shinning lotion, or wear closed-toed shoes. You want the bright/deep nail color of your big toe nail show to pop. I love silver open-toed shoes that are delicate and strappy, but never chunky. Beautiful, graceful silver evening shoes are always elegant.

Entertaining: Dress Code: No High Heels
Q High Heels..Can I ask guests to NOT wear their high heels on my brand new walnut floor? Or is it simply better to not entertain and avoid the hassles.

A Do you really have a lovely home that you do not wish to share with friends? If you're so drastically concerned, then buy a bunch of Chinese slippers to place at your front door in a basket. When greeting guests at the door, gently suggest that they exchange their shoes for Chinese slippers. If you really don't want to call attention to this, then make the theme of the party Chinese so they don't suspect otherwise. The bottom line is, you never want to say anything negative on an invitation because it sets off a negative vibe. Since you don't want any bad vibes associated with your party, you need to deal with your sensitivity about high heels at the door.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Pearl Etiquette
Q Is it acceptable to wear pearls at a late afternoon luncheon (celebrating a 50th Wedding anniversary)? I'm 79 years old, if that makes a difference.

A Yes, please, wear your pearls. You can wear pearls to most social functions from bridge games and brunches to anniversary lunches. The rule of thumb is that the later in the day, the more strands are worn. A 50th wedding anniversary is a cause for great celebration - you can wear up to three strands of pearls.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Pittsburgh Whiskey Festival: Skinny Tie
Q Hello,
I'm attending the Pittsburgh Whiskey Festival this weekend. It is a tasting event that supports the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of Western Pennsylvania. It's an evening event from 6pm-9pm, and I'm a little confused on what to wear, as is my date. The only reference to a dress code is "Dress in your finest skinny ties and evening dresses for an evening of great food, classic music and fine spirits." By looking at last years pictures, it seems to span the range of blue jeans to full suits for the men, and the entire span of dresses for ladies. Is a long dress necessary in this case? Or would a cocktail-length, strapless black dress (with a little red) be acceptable? And would a suit and jacket without a tie be appropriate for my date? If it helps with a suggestion, I'm fair skinned, brown hair and a bit curvy.
Thanks!


A When the invitation doesn't specify Formal Attire or Black Tie, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your LBD (little black dress) sounds perfect. However, since the invitation specifies "finest skinny tie," your date should concur by wearing a skinny tie. You can probably find a skinny tie in your local thrift shop, or second hand clothing store, if your father doesn't have one.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Quinceanera's Mother + Godmother
Q Can the Quinceanera's mother and the godmother wear a similar dress?


A Why not, as long as they don't wear white, the mother and the godmother will be will be lovely in similar dresses. The only woman wearing white should be the fifteen-year-old birthday girl.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Ralph Lauren Western Not South Beach
Q I have been invited to a birthday dinner party in late March at a very nice lodge (The Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite). I was planning on wearing black slacks, a nice crisp white shirt, and a silk black/white-silverish houndstooth jacket. The dining room requires jacket but not a tie. Would it be proper to wear an ascot with this outfit? Your prompt response would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,
Gerard

A You might look at some high-end Ralph Lauren ads because you might be more comfortable if you are not wearing black pants, a white shirt, and a silk silver houndstooth jacket. You are not going to Las Vegas or Miami, you are going to a stately, famous lodge where Queen Elizabeth II stayed in 1983, that looks more like a hunting lodge for American Royals than a South Beach club. Houndstooth jacket, yes, but wear one in brownish tones. Think Ralph Lauren Western.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Red Carpet Attire
Q When an invitation states Red Carpet Attire, what kind of dress should I wear?

A Depends if you are a man or woman. A man wears formal wear, whatever that means to him, whether tuxedo or black suit, black shirt no tie. A woman would wear a dress that suitably shows her curves, whether long or short.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Snappy Casual
Q For a male, what does it mean to dress "snappy casual"? Thank You.

A The dress code "Snappy Casual" means crisp, bright, fun and yet sophisticated; it is a step up from preppy, which can be dated and/or shabby. "Snappy Casual" is a modern day term that is not stuffy but is certainly not casual in the hippie sense. Wear a jacket or blazer with either a brightly colored tie, shirt, pants, dress shorts (long or Bermuda shorts in warm weather), or socks--or better yet, don't wear socks, especially if you're wearing long shorts. "Snappy Casual" is a hip, stylish and smart dress code that wouldn't include seersucker, madras cargo, or a baseball cap; since bright colors are in-trend right now, go with a splash of color. It goes without saying that anyone who dresses "Snappy Casual" would be well-groomed from his haircut to his polished Guccis or docksiders, if you're at a resort. Chances are he probably isn't wearing socks, but if he is, they're brightly colored or argyle.

For instance a metrosexual, a man who is not necessarily gay and probably lives in an urban environment, is more than likely to be a "snappy" dresser and attend parties with a "Snappy Casual" dress code; he is nearly as concerned about his looks as a fashionable woman and has a strong aesthetic sense, but he's probably neither particularly conservative nor stuffy.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Summer Anniversary: White Attire
Q My husband is having a very large special birthday and wants the guests to wear white. Men can even wear white shorts if they please. He went to a club once called the "whitehouse" and everyone had to be wearing white or they were not allowed in and he thought it looked wonderful and wants that for his party. How can I word that on the printed invitations? Party will be in the summer but inside at a banquet facility. Cocktail hr. will be outside under a beautiful tent.

Thank you.

A On the invitation where you would print the dress code "Black Tie," have printed: White Attire. Or White Attire Only. Don't use a period or quotation marks.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Teenage Girl: Socks with Dress Pants
Q Is it ok to wear socks with dress pants and dress shoes for women or teenage girls????????

A The socks would be sheer or opaque, like tights but either ankle-length or knee-length. The color would match either the color of the dress shoes or the color of the dress pants.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Western Chic Dinner
Q I live in San Antonio, Texas, and have been invited to a Western Chic Dinner? What would be the proper attire?

A Wear one article of your best dress western attire. For instance your pointiest dress boots in the most elegant skins. This isn't a costume party, so you would wear what you would wear if the dress code on the invitation was Suits & Dresses or Smart Casual. If not a suit, wear a very good sports jacket or blazer, collared shirt (not button-down), dress trousers, and tie if you're over forty. Then, because the theme is Western, wear your best cowboy boots.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Winter White
Q What color stocking would you wear with a winter white wool skirt and a black wool sweater with white piping?


A Black, good quality opaque legwear with classic black pumps or boots.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Woman: Prom Dresses
Q Were can I find a prom dress in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.?

A Look up in the yellow pages of your telephone book under "Clothing" for the locations of Express Limited, Bebe, Chico, Banana Republic, Talbots, Ann Taylor, Anthropologie, BCGB, J.Crew, Abercrombie & Fitch, and T.J. Maxx. If that doesn't work, look under "Bridalwear," because a lot of young women have great luck finding a prom dress amongst the dresses designed for bridesmaids.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Women Dining in Hats
Q Is it proper etiquette/allowable for a woman to keep her hat on while dining, either inside or outside? Even if it is not proper, is it allowable for a son-in-law to rebuke a mother-in-law about her faux pas?

A It is acceptable for a lady to keep her hat on while dining, unless, of course, it is a formal black tie event. At the most exclusive clubs and restaurants, you will often see women wearing hats while dining. It is the son-in-law who has made the dreadful faux pas. The hat would be discreet with a small crown, often called a dinner hat; it would not have a wide brim and would most likely be made of a quality fabric such as satin or velvet and might have a jeweled hat pin, or it might be less formally designed in a finely woven jersey adorned with a bow or be made of tightly woven straw with a ribbon, depending upon the time of year and the time of day.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Women: Evening Dress: Handling the Train
Q Not a question about wedding attire but just about formal attire . How would you carry a train of a formal dress when traveling from indoors to outdoors and back in again? Or even to dance in? I thought about a short removable cord from my wrist hooked to the dress to pick it up a bit. It seems like I remember seeing this done in the old Hollywood Glamor movies, especially during ballroom dance scenes.

A Actually, I cover a lot of territory as an etiquette consultant.

Turn your dress inside out and look for a couple of ribbons near the waist and also near the bottom hem in the back of the dress. Since I don't know the length of your skirt or train, this is a rather general answer.

When the dancing starts, you can go to the ladies' room and tie up the train by tying the top and bottom ribbons into tight bows, thus shortening the dress in the back.

Should your dress not have such a system to gather up the train for dancing, you can easily sew in your own. However, don't forget that you will need a friend to help you in the ladies' room while you hold up the dress and she ties the bows, if there isn't a matron in an apron in there to help you.

If that's not your skill set, call the sales person who sold you the dress, or talk to the manager, to find out who can help you. If all that falls, the dressmaker who works for your local dry cleaner should be able to sew in the ribbons.

Alternatively, you can "work" the train to your advantage without tying it up by playing with it. As you said, think of those glamorous movie stars who used their dresses by working with the material. If it is an evening dress as opposed to a ball gown, you should be able to drape the train by folding it over the bend in your left elbow while you're dancing.

Walking in and out of doors, put your arms down straight and gather up some of the fabric from the skirt in your hands so that the fabric in the skirt drapes horizontally across your thighs. That should be enough to shorten the train a bit.

Remember that the train is going to get dirty underneath anyway, so the only concern for the train should be while you are dancing. You wouldn't want to trip over it, if it wraps around your ankles. So, try to visualize using your hands, your left arm and elbow to hold your dress while you're walking or dancing.

Try the dress on, turn on some music and practice.

In my opinion, you should find the services of a good dressmaker or tailor to help you with managing the length.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Yachty Casual
Q What does "yachty casual" translate to for a cocktail party to commission a new boat?

A "Yachty casual" is the classic dress code here in Newport; however, we drop the "y" and call it "Yacht Casual." Men wear their navy blue blazers, preferably with brass buttons, and their club tie, which does not necessarily have to be a yacht club tie. White, cream, Nantucket red, yellow, or khaki trousers are fine, but no seersucker. Wear boat shoes or any brown shoes; however, socks are never a requirement. The tie is actually optional, keep the handkerchief in your trouser pocket, and don't wear an ascot unless you have a throat condition. Do not wear any gold jewelry around your neck or wrist, with the exception of a watch that is not "flashy." Leave all rings but a wedding band or signet ring at home. Simple cufflinks are fine. If it is overcast, take your windbreaker. You didn't say if the cocktail party is being held on board the new boat, in a yacht club, or in a private home, but it goes without saying that if the party is on board, you would wear boat shoes; if you don't have them, moccasins, sneakers, or any rubber sole shoes are fine.

Lots of yachting women will wear a navy blue blazer with a club scarf and white, cream, kaki or patterned pants or skirt. If you're not the blazer type, a summer sweater set with pearls and skirt or well-cut pants are appropriate. Alternatively, a pretty tunic with slacks or a three-quarter length skirt would be appropriate, but you would not want to wear a big billowy skirt on board in case a gust of wind comes up; or a skirt that was pencil thin in case you have to use a ladder. Leave the family jewels and stiletto heeled shoes at home; wear basic jewelry and shoes with soft soles; they can be platform espadrilles, Tod's with rubber soles, a ballet-style flat, or boat shoes---no high heels.

Entertaining: Dress Codes: Red Tie
Q What does "Red tie invited" mean on an invitation to a gala? The invitation also said "Black tie optional."

A Basically, "Red Tie" means "creative black tie," so if you don't have a red tie, wear a black one or improvise.

Entertaining: Dual Birthday Bash
Q We are having a "dual" birthday bash for my daughter and her best friend. We would like to note on the invitatioin that the guest does not need to bring a gift for both girls, if they are just friends with one and not the other. How can we properly state this without being awkward?

A The only problem I see with your plan is that one child might receive more birthday gifts than the other. Why not have two big straw baskets: the first in which, upon arrival, the guest drops her gift with just her name on it, saying who the gift is from. Then if they want to open their presents in front of their guests, the "dual" birthday girls close their eyes and alternate picking out a gift from the basket and unwrapping it for everyone to exclaim about. After the party the girls might trade, if they already have some of the gifts or would prefer a different gift. So: on the invitation you might say:

Please come celebrate a
"Dual" Birthday for
Charlotte and Amanda
insert date and time
address of party

Please bring only one gift for the "dual" grab bag.
RSVP insert your name
insert your phone number

Then you might have all the guests' party bags in a second (dual) basket by the front door, that the guests take home.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat
Q How do you word that guests are invited to join you at a restaurant but they have to pay their own bill?

A Talk to your guests and tell them the meal is "Dutch Treat," which means everyone pays for their own meal. If you are sending out invitations, you would call it a "Dutch Treat Dinner," or you would write "Dutch Treat" in the lower right hand corner opposite the RSVP.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday
Q I am having a 40th birthday party for my husband at a restaurant. How do I invite people and at the same time let them know they will be responsible for paying for their own meal? Is that even appropriate?

A You will need to be upfront with your guests when you invite them and tell them exactly what they should be prepared to pay towards their Dutch Treat dinner: their meal, drinks, tax, and tip. It goes without saying that you would not expect them to bring your husband a birthday present, too.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday Luncheon Invitation
Q How do you word invitations for a 30th Birthday luncheon that is to be Dutch Treat?

A Remember, when you are inviting people to pay for their own lunch, you need to tell them two important pieces of information: the price of their luncheon including beverages, tax, and tip, and the fact that when they pay for their own lunch, they are not expected also to pay for a birthday present. With those two points in mind, you might use an invitation such as this replacing your own information with mine and centering the lines on the page:

You are cordially invited
to assist the celebration
of Julia Smith's 30th birthday
at a Dutch Treat Luncheon
Saturday, June 28th
Noon to two o'clock
Norey's Restaurant
Newport

RSVP 000-000-0000
In lieu of a present, please pay for your lunch ($20. including lunch, tip and tax).

If you are anticipating wine at lunch, you would factor that cost per person into the price of the lunch. Ahead of time, you might want to work out a set price lunch with the manager of the restaurant, which, of course, would include a glass of wine, or two, as well as the tip, and tax.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday Party for Wife
Q I am having a surprise 40th birthday party for my wife. I have a room reserved at a local restaurant with 10 to 12 couples attending. What is proper etiquette when it comes to what I should pay for? Should I pay for all dinner and drinks for everyone?

A If you have already invited these twenty-four people to attend your wife's 40th birthday party, then you cannot very well go back to them and ask them to pay for their dinner, drinks, tip and tax.

If you have not already invited your guests, you might send out an invitation or e-vite with the time and place and state at the bottom of the invitation: No presents, please. In lieu of a gift, please pay for your own dinner and drinks. You cannot expect people to bring a birthday gift for your wife and also pay for their dinner, drinks, tip, and tax---it is an either or situation. If you can afford to treat everyone, please do and your wife will be delighted, thrilled, and grateful for the party with her friends, as well as receiving their gifts.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner for Dad
Q Is it acceptable to invite family and friends to my father's 80th birthday celebration and ask them to pay for their own meal?

A It is acceptable to invite family and friends to pay for their own meal but you might want to find out how much the meal will cost including drinks, tax, and tip, because they will need to know. You will also have to tell how you would like to be paid because the restaurant won't want to do individual tabs. Remember if they pay for their own meals, they guests cannot be expected to bring your father a present, too.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner for Thirtieth Birthday
Q My husband's 30th birthday party is on a Friday night at 6:30 p.m. at a restaurant/bar. This is the normal dinner time for some people; however, I can't afford to pay for everyone's (30 people +) dinner so I am offering a nice selection of appetizers that the restaurant helps cater. There would be a dinner menu and alcohol available to whomever would want it, but at their expense. How do I go about putting that into the invitation without sounding rude? I want it to be clear that they would be paying for everything but soda and the appetizers that I choose to have catered. Please advise me ASAP because I really need to get these invitations out quickly and soon. Thank you, sincerely, JMH

A Sorry for the delay but in order to be fair to all of my readers, I answer all questions in the order that they appear on my Web site.

In answer to your question: You have to remember two things:
1) In case someone asks, you need to get an approximate price for the average cost of a meal with tax and gratuity; you might be able to get a "special meal," if you pre-plan a fixed-price meal with the restaurant; 2) If you are asking guests to pay for their own drinks and dinner, then you cannot expect them to buy a gift as well. Basically, you are "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" dinner to celebrate your husband's Thirtieth Birthday; you are merely throwing in the soda and munchies as a carrot.

Come help celebrate
Brad Johnson's Thirtieth (30)
at a Dutch Treat Dinner
Friday, January fifth (5th)
Seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport (add the town, if there are out of town guests)

RSVP Laura Johnson @000-000-0000
In lieu of a gift, dinner and drinks are Dutch Treat.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner in a Restaurant
Q If you are inviting people for a dinner gathering, but intend to have them each pay for the dinner, how do you put that on the invitation.

A You will need to do some homework and figure out how much the average meal will cost, plus the drinks, tax, and tip. You would need to decide whether you had to be paid in advance or at the end of the meal. If it is a large party, the restaurant might not allow separate checks. If the dinner is a birthday celebration, would the cost of the birhday person's meal, etc., be shared and factored into the price. Remember, if they are paying for their own meals, your guests should not be required to bring birhday gifts. At the bottom of your invitation, you might write "A prime ribs dinner with wine, everything included, will be $25. per person in advance." Or you could just write "Dutch Treat Dinner." When the guests call you to RSVP, you can let them know when you wish to be paid or if there will be separate checks.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner in a Restaurant
Q What is the correct way to state in a party invitation that people will be responsible for paying for their own meals?

A The person hosting the event might talk to the manager of the restaurant to work out a price per person that would include the meal, the drinks, tax, and tip. That amount might become the Dutch Treat price for the dinner, which might be printed on the invitation under the RSVP. When they telephone you or email you to RSVP, you would need to tell them whether they had to pay you in advance or whether you would collect the cash or check at the end of the evening because the server cannot be expected to write out twenty separate bills or process twenty separate credit cards.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Etiquette
Q How do you invite guests to a party where they will be paying for their own dinner and drinks?

A On the invitation you would make it crystal clear as to how much the invitee will be responsible for and what that costs covers; for instance if you have worked out a set price meal with the manager for $30 per person, make sure that price covers the meal, drinks, tip, and tax, and be honest with your guests. Also, if you are asking them to self-pay, then you cannot expect them to bring a gift. On your invitation, e-vite, or over the phone, you might say: "Instead of a present, would you mind paying for your own meal?" It will be $30 per person including food, 2 glasses of wine, tip and tax.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Invitation Wording
Q When inviting a large number of people out to eat for a special occasion, what is the proper etiquette or wording to say that "you pay for your own meal"?

A Actually, the person who invites pays. So: you are not "inviting," you are "organizing" the occasion. Remember that you will have to have a price to quote as to how much "guests" will have to shell out for their meal, drinks, plus tax and tip. If it is an occasion where a present is expected, you will have to let the "guests" off the hook because if they are paying for their meal, you cannot also ask them to buy a present. So: you call the event a "Dutch Treat" or "Self-Pay " dinner and "In lieu of a gift, your Dutch Treat meal will be $30 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Lunch Invitation
Q How do you say in an invitation that people will be paying for their own lunch @ a restaurant?

A You would be "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" lunch. First you would need to get an estimate for the meal, which would include not just the lunch but the drinks, tips, and tax. Also, remember that if you are organizing a self-pay lunch, you would not expect people to, say, buy a present, too.

Please come join me with
family and friends for a
Dutch Treat Lunch
on Sunday, March tenth
at one o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP Dana Jones @ 000-000-0000
The Dutch Treat Lunch will be $20 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Parties
Q Is it okay to ask guests to pay their portion for a meal when having a large birthday gathering for an eighty-year-old?

A It is perfectly all right to ask people to a restaurant and have them pay for their own meal. It would help you to get better service and make it easier to collect for the bill if you arranged a menu at a set price with the restaurant in advance. Then when you extend the invitation to attend the "Dutch Treat" meal, the invitee can consider the expense before accepting the invitation. You will also need to decide whether you want to say something like this: in lieu of a present, the dinner will be Dutch Treat.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Party
Q How to word an invitation to a dinner where each guest is expected to pay for their own meal?

A You cannot use the word "invite," because the person who invites pays. You are "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" or "Self-Pay" dinner. You would need to get an estimate from the restaurant or caterer as to the cost of the meal with drinks, tax, and tip. Since, I don't know the type of event you are celebrating, this is a really general answer. You would invite people to join you in celebrating whatever, and the cost of the dinner is made crystal-clear. You would have an RSVP in the lower left hand corner with your name and phone number. Your name would not appear elsewhere on the invitation because it is the WE who are celebrating, YOU are organizing. Remember that when you ask people to pay for their own meal and drinks, you have to let them off the hook about buying a retirement or birthday present. So: you would add the following line under the RSVP: \In lieu of a gift, your dinner will be $50 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Restaurant Dinner
Q We are planning a surprise 60th Birthday party which will include a dinner. Is it ok to ask the guests to pay for the dinner? Thank you

A To host a Dutch Treat Dinner, you might list the cost of the meal, plus the drinks, tax, and tip on the invitation so that guests are not blind-sided. Also, if you are asking guests to pay for their own food and drinks, they cannot be expected to bring a birthday present. Try to work out a prix fixe dinner menu with the manager of a fun restaurant, especially one with a room you can use of your party. When your guests telephone to RSVP, remember to tell them either to send you a check ahead of time or bring it to the dinner because the restaurant might not be able to process all those individual bills and credit cards in a timely fashion. Be aware that restaurants usually insist on a certain percentage for the tip when there are large parties. If you have guests pay you ahead of time, you won't get stuck having to pay for the dinners of people who didn't show up. This sounds like a lot of planning, but if you are organized well ahead of time by word of mouth, the guests will get the code for the party and cooperate. Be sure to have lots of toasts.

Entertaining: Easy Parties: Cocktails
Q I have lived in a very nice neighborhood for about a year now and the social scene is tight. My neighbors are very snobby and cold (mostly the women) and when I see them in their yards, they look the other way, rude! I always smile and wave, not too sure how to break the ice. Help me become the better person and break this awful feeling of being left out in the cold. Any suggestions? Jen

A The saying goes that if you put out a ham, people will come. Neighbors won't be able to resist knowing more about you. Go up the ladder and host an open house, perhaps you better not call it that, but give a "cocktail party", possibly to celebrate something such as New Year's Day, a new friend's birthday, or your partner's birthday. If it is a birthday, put "No gifts" at the bottom of the invitation to make it easier for people to accept. But you do not have to have an agenda for a good party, but be sure the invitation is of high quality, looks chic, and that you send it out a month ahead of time. Also, be sure that you have an R.S.V.P. with your phone number, so that you can learn people's first names, if you don't know them already. Hire a bartender and make up attractive platters of cut up cheeses, fruit, and veggies garnished with grapes, flowers, leaves, parsley, watercress, or herbs. If you can get a good pre-cut spiral ham, all the better. Serve it with different mustards, cheeses, and bread and you'll find people making a meal out of your ham; the wives will love it, too, because it means that they might not have to fuss over dinner. Don't forget a party is a social bid. Perhaps your neighbors are waiting for you to strut your social skills, so why not show them? You don't need to spend a lot of money, as I said, you can just have wine and cheese, but do have a bartender. However, if you can spring for good hard liquor. it is impressive and surprisingly few people actually drink it, but it is still the sign of a good party (and it will keep for the next party). You will find men, say, having one glass of good whiskey and then switching to wine. If the party is not agenda-ridden, meaning that you are not trying to raise money for some cause or charity, your neighbors will come out of curiosity. When guests arrive at your door, be sure that you station yourself near the door so that everyone who comes and leaves has to speak to you twice. It sounds controlling, but it works. Some people will just drop in to see who else was invited, who else showed up, and what kind of party you give, but don't let that stop you from welcoming them with a huge smile. The minute they walk through your threshold pick out something that they are wearing and compliment it, which will put them off guard because then they will want to respond with, "Oh, I love what you've done with the house." As you know, an invitation is a social bid; once they have been to your house it would be very hard for them to snub you ever again. Once more, they will then have to invite you to their next party. Find out what you can about them so that you can connect: do they play golf, tennis, bridge, practice yoga? Do they know a good masseuse, pilates teacher, personal trainer, or dressmaker? So: there you go. Let me know how you do, should you find the time.

Entertaining: Eating Pasta with a Fork + Spoon
Q Is it ever proper tp eat pasta with a fork and a spoon

A If pasta, such as spaghetti, is served on a plate or in a shallow bowl, it is eaten with a fork. If the pasta is, say, ravioli and it is served in a deep bowl, it is often eaten with a spoon. Can you eat spaghetti with a fork in one hand and a spoon in the other twinning the spaghetti around the tines using the bowl of the spoon as leverage? Yes, you can do it, however, in Italy you might be frowned upon.

Entertaining: Eating Spaghetti
Q What is the best way to east spaghetti and should it be ordered at a restaurant?

A Ask the server for a large spoon on which to twirl the spaghetti around with your fork which makes it more manageable to eat. Why not eat spaghetti in a restaurant? Spaghetti is one of the great comfort foods.

Entertaining: Empty Glasses
Q If I am serving several beverages at a dinner, is it ever appropriate to remove glasses from the table while guests are seated (before food is served, between courses, or during after-dinner conversation while guests are still seated)?

A Often guests will take their drink to the dinner table; that bar glass or tumbler would be removed from the table when the glass is empty, while a course is being cleared. If you are pairing different wines with the various courses, the empty wine glass from the last course would be cleared with the course. Also, if you are serving an aperitif with, say, oxtail, lentil, black bean or another soup enhanced with sherry, you would remove the aperitif glass with the soup course. Often a guest will turn over his or her glass to signify that they are not drinking wine; that turned down glass would be removed once the signal is received by the waitstaff. So: yes, it is appropriate to clear glasses that are empty or turned down and will not be used any longer, if at all; but preferably removed while the plates are being cleared for the next course. A good hostess will do her best to keep the dining table tidy.

Entertaining: Engagement Party: Invitation: Given by Parents and Stepfather
Q My daughter just announced her engagement to us. I would like to host an engagement party for her. I am divorced and remarried, but went back to my maiden name and kept it even after remarrying. Myself and my husband are paying for most of the party, but her Dad is also contributing (not as much, but is in any case). She has been living with me and her stepdad for a long time, but is close to her dad also. As is the relationship with my husband and my ex-husband, everyone gets along! As far as the wording on the invite - Hosted By: what do I say? What order? I can say my name is Mr & Mrs. but that's not really my name, should I say it for the invite, what order? Also, we are paying for it, but it will be at my mom's house because she has a bigger yard. Is it ok to say hosted by us (the three of us - me, my ex, and my husband)? HELP ME PLEASE!! (wait till the wedding invitation, can't even go there).

A You don't want the invitation to say "hosted by" because it is not necessary. By putting your and your husband's names first on the invitation, people will know you are the primary hosts. And especially since the engagement party is being held at your home, your contact is the RSVP, and your return address is on the envelope. This is the way I would word the invitation, use your own information and center the lines on the card:

Donna Marie Smith
Henry James Brown
Edward Ross Copper
invite you to celebrate
the engagement of
Charlotte Marie Cooper
and
Jake Johnson Ellsworth
Saturday, June 10th
six until eight o'clock
at the Smith & Brown's
128 Washington Street
Newport

RSVP 401-8978
donnasmith@gmail.com

Of course you don't have to use middle names, although it is customary in engagements so that everyone can see the different families. Also, the time of the party will tell people what to expect. For instance 6:00 to 8:00 means a cocktail buffet with drinks and finger food. At seven o'clock means drinks and dinner of some kind. Or you could say Six o'clock BBQ.

Entertaining: Entering a Social Scene
Q My friend is often offended when she enters a room full of people engaged in conversation who may be unaware of her entry into the room, and they don't respond immediately to her greeting them. She wants an immediate response to her greeting. When entering a room of people who may be grossly engaged in conversation, what is the protocol for greeting and response of those who are being greeted?

A It is assumed that the person entering the room behaves as a self-sustaining adult and therefore is responsible for announcing her arrival. She does not expect people to drop their conversation in mid-sentence to welcome her. The person entering the scene stops before charging in to survey the crowd, and plot her course. She might head first to a person she knows the best, to the host, or coordinator of the event. She would stand beside that person patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence before talking to him. If she does not know anyone, she would ask to be directed to the host and introduce herself to him.

Entertaining: Escort Cards: Couples with Same Names
Q How do you address escort cards when 2 couples have the same 1st and last name, i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Sam Smith.

Do you use
Mr. Sam Smith and Mrs. Betty Smith Table 3, and
Mr. Sam Smith and Mrs. Sue Smith Table 4?

Or Mr. and Mrs. Sam (Betty) Smith Table 3, and
Mr. and Mrs. Sam (Sue) Smith Table 4?

A You would address the escort cards accordingly:

Mr. and Mrs. Sam (and Betty) Smith, Table #3
Mr. and Mrs. Sam (and Sue) Smith, Table #4

Alternatively:

Betty and Sam Smith, Table #3
Sue and Sam Smith, Table #4

Entertaining: Estimating the Cost of the Gift
Q Bar Mitzvah of twins.. should the gift be double the amount one would give for one Bar Mitzvah child?

A You wouldn't necessarily double the amount because the amount of the gift should be the approximate cost of hosting you; or hosting you and your partner, if they are hosting two of you. If there are two of you and the gifts are to twins, the gifts would be the cost of hosting two guests. If you are the only one attending, then you could give each twin half the amount it would cost to host you, one guest.

Entertaining: Evening Bag: Placement at Dining Table
Q I am attending my first black-tie event and my question is where does a woman place her evening bag? Is it appropriate to place it on the table and if so where on the table and if not on the table is it appropriate to place it on the floor?

A Great question, thanks for asking it. Evening bags are one of my favorite accessories because they can be an elegant fashion statement about you. If the evening bag has a chain or strap, you can hang in on the back of your chair while dining. If it is a small, decorative, pretty clutch, you can rest it on the table in front of your place setting in the area where you would find your place card. Since it is small and ornamental, it won't be intrusive. If the evening bag is larger than your hand, you would place it either against the back of your chair so that it is between your lower back and the chair when you're seated, or you can hide it under your chair. Personally, I don't like to store my evening bag under my chair or behind my back because I like to reapply my lipgloss discreetly after I've had my dessert.

Entertaining: E-vites
Q What do you suggest the hostess do when the honoree asks to add guests to the list after finding that the original invitees cannot come to a luncheon? The invitations have been mailed several weeks before and there are no more. It seems a very awkward situation at best.

A Not to worry. All is not lost. In fact, you might even impress. Send an e-vite. Make it up yourself to look as if it is going to many. Then the recipient will not realize that they are second choice. Be sure to have an RSVP on the e-vite. You can even ask for the recipient to answer by a certain date. That way you will know early on if the invitee is able to attend. Basically, you want to pretend that there is no problem. So: you need to make the new invitees feel special. Look on the bright side. E-vites are ever so much chicer for many occasions. The great advantage is that you will get an instant reply. FYI: In case you do not know what an e-vite is, basically it is just an e-mail that you write and call it an e-vite.

Entertaining: E-Vites
Q Could you please advise me regarding what would be an appropriate amount of time to wait to send a reminder to people regarding an e-vite to a dinner party? I sent an invitation out 30 days prior to the event, and a little over a week later very few people have responded or viewed the invitation. I don't want to be pushy, but am afraid that the e-vite may have been lost in their in-box.

Thank you,
Susan

A People in general don't take e-vites seriously. If you need an accurate head count, take the time to mail out paper invitations with an RSVP cut-off date, such as: Kindly reply by October 15th to 401-993-7744 or susansmith@cox.net.

There are e-vites and and there e-vites: paperlesspost.com is especially good and quite special, if you prefer to send another e-vite. Putting a reply cut-off day should give you a better response.

Entertaining: Evites: Getting Guests to RSVP
Q I sent out evites for a dinner party, but most of my friends haven't yet replied. How do you get people to reply? Thanks


A Most of us feel that evites are "cattle calls," impersonal invitations with an agenda. RSVP is not taken seriously. Worried hosts can pick up the phone and and ask the guest directly, "Are you coming to our dinner for the Browns Tuesday, June tenth?" The personal touch is more apt to prompt a positive response. Let's face it, many of us wait before responding in the hope that a more interesting invitation pops up. For smaller parties, anxious hosts should call all those who haven't yet responded. For larger parties, plan ahead by having a cut off date and follow up with a paper reminder. What many hosts don't realize in their excitement of making up their guest list, is that there are invitations and there are invitations. Evites are not taken seriously. A company called paperlesspost.com is probably the best of the lot because the evites are elegant, gracious and fun, but at best they should be used as a save-the-date that is followed up with a paper reminder.

For smallish parties, the most successful hosts pick up the phone and go through their list of people they want to get together knowing that inevitably someone will back out at the last moment. Once they have their core group, they send out paper reminders with their best RSVP contact information.

For large parties, make the RSVP a cutoff date, but make it easy with two out of the three ways to respond: an enclosed reply card with a self-addressed envelope, a phone number, or an email address.

Entertaining: E-World Etiquette
Q My husband and I just had a baby shower. Is it ok to send out electronic thank-you cards to people who attended and have an email address??? Or should we still hand write and send through the mail???

A If you are thanking your friends for a present, then you might want to take the time to write thank-you notes. They took the time to find you just the right gift so you need to send just the right thank-you note.

Entertaining: Excluding Kids From Your Party
Q How do you send out an invitation and state that there will be only adults at this party....no children?

A I am not a big fan of putting anything negative on an invitation because it gives off a negative vibe. So I don't use "Regrets Only" or "No Presents" or "No Children." You can handle the situation two ways: On your invitation have a fill in where you have to hand-write the name(s) of the person(s) you are inviting, for instance:

Carol and George Spencer
requests the pleasure of the company of
Susan and Billy Hines (fill in the invitees names)
for a cocktail buffet
on Saturday, May 12th, 2006
6 to 8 P.M.
RSVP
(your telephone number)

Then when people telephone to RSVP you tell them that you are not inviting people to bring their children to the party. By word-of-mouth the information will circulate to your friends, relatives and coworkers.

Entertaining: Excuse to Cancel Dinner Plans
Q I need a very good excuse to get out of a dinner on a Sunday night due to an early morning work schedule on Monday, but this is with a friend that I haven't seen in over 10 years and it has been planned for a while....HELP!

A An invitation to dinner, no matter who organized it, is a social bid. If you get out of the dinner, you are getting out of, or rejecting, the social bid. So: you will need to have a plan to invite the person for lunch or dinner sometime soon in order to sustain the relationship.
Alternatively, you might change the dinner to an early supper and go somewhere simple for soup and a salad or a hamburger. If the date has been planned for a while, you cannot very well bow out under the pretext of a prior commitment or that you are too busy. If you do have an early morning schedule, then be up front: say that you would like to have dinner but you will have to be home by 7:30 because you have an early morning work schedule. Otherwise, if you postpone, you are in a sense postponing the dinner for another ten years. The sooner you make the phone call, the better.

Entertaining: Ex-Sister-in-Law's Venue
Q Is it proper for a family event to be at the same venue that your ex-sister-in-law had her rehearsal dinner?

A Sorry, I am not quite sure what your question is. Are you asking: Is it proper to hold a family event at the same venue that your former sister-in-law had her rehearsal dinner?

It would depend upon how much time had passed. For instance if it is a couple of years, why not? Good places to hold events can be hard to find.

Entertaining: Family Gives Retirement Dinner
Q Is all right for family to give family member retirement dinner and dos and don't of it?

A Yes, it is a lovely idea to give a family member a retirement party; however, you might not want to solicit for gifts as it always seems a bit tacky when families solicit gifts for other family members. So: don't make the party about the presents; make it about the friendships.

Entertaining: Family Party Invitations When Only One Child Is Invited
Q How do I address envelopes to a sweet sixteen with the parents and one child, ie. Mr. and Mrs. Michael Shaw & Kandyse Shaw. The person does not want the entire family to attend the sweet sixteen. There are other children in the family that are not welcome because of the age or sex.

A You can handle this either by sending the parents one invitation with only their name, Mr. and Mrs. Michael Shaw, on the envelope and then sending a second invitation to the child you wish to invite with only her name on the envelope: Miss Kandyse Shaw.

Entertaining: Family Play Dates
Q I have two small children and am often invited to bring them to play at a friend's house. How do I know how long to stay? I don't want to overstay my welcome, but always enjoy the chance for adult conversation while my boys are entertained.

In a related a question, how do I make it clear when an invitation to play includes parents?

Thank you for your great advice.

A Depending upon how small the children are and whether you've been invited for a meal or not, would determine the length of your stay. As you know, the younger the children, the sooner they become overstimulated. If there is down time with a meal and a movie, then you would guage your exit to coincide with the end of the movie. If there is no meal or/and movie, you probably wouldn't stay for more than two hours. If your host or hostess starts looking at his or her watch, that is a signal that your stay is coming to a close.

In order to make it crystal-clear to the parents that you are inviting them along with their children, you would invite the family for a "family cookout," "family picnic, or" "family brunch." Using the word "family" means that you are expecting the parents to stay and not just drop off their children. When extending an invitation, it is always best to establish a time boundary by saying, "Come from eleven to one o'clock, we'll have lunch and the kids can play until one." If things are going well, you can always say, "The kids are having such a good time, why don't we take them out into the back yard to run around (or out to the park)?"

Entertaining: Family Seating
Q When seating a large family for Thanksgiving dinner..where do the parents sit...my son usually sits at the head of the table...to his left his mother-in-law - to his right his wife...next to his mother-in-law sits his father-in law and he likes to sit next to one of his other daughters. Then I sit next to her and her boyfriend on my other side...I don't know him at all. My other son and his wife sit next to my daughter-in-law and my daughter and her husband sit at the far end of the table with another one of my daughter-in-laws sisters and her husband. Since I am the matriarchal woman in the family, I feel I should sit to the left of my son - not his mother-in-law.

A The person who sits on your right is the guest of honor. As you are the matriarch, the guest of honor is at your discretion. Customarily husbands and wives are never seated side by side because they spend so much time together. One of the points of these family dinners is to encourage family members who don't know each other particularly well to get to know one another better. Another thing you might want to be thinking about is connecting those family members by seating them side by side. For instance, if there is a young adult applying to college or graduate school, it makes sense to seat that young person with someone he or she can talk to about his or her education and future. Or if a guest is looking for a job, you might seat him or her next to a family member who is well connected. The purpose is to integrate the various families within the family. The exception would be if someone had a new boyfriend or girlfriend who might feel more comfortable seated next to his or her partner than seated between two strangers. So to start, your son would be seated at one end of the table and his wife would be seated at the opposite end. You and your son's mother-in-law would alternate from year to year being seated on his right, the other would be seated to his left. Traditionally, the eldest mother would be the guest of honor, but these days most women don't want it pointed out that they are the eldest, so it is best to alternate. Another exception would be if he had a son and the son were engaged, then your son would be seated between the eldest woman and the newest female member of the family. When possible, siblings and couples are not seated together. Remember that the male guest of honor is seated to the right of the hostess with the second guest of honor seated on his left; the female guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the second guest of honor is seated to his left.

Entertaining: Fashion Show: Woman: Mid-November: Midday
Q I have been invited to a fashion show birthday party at 11 am on a Saturday in mid-November--in the Midwest, so it will be chilly outside. The invite indicates "afternoon red carpet attire." What would that be for a young-looking 50-year-old woman with a healthy, slender build?

A Assuming the fashion show is not going to be outside, then you would wear either a well-made dark gray or black skirt suit or pantsuit that fits you perfectly, along with beautiful shoes and a medium size clutch bag. Take it easy with the jewelry, two very good pieces such as a wedding ring and small earrings are enough. Alternatively, you could wear a good quality long-sleeved day dress that falls to your knee, but then you would need an coat. Wearing a pair of thin leather gloves would be a lovely touch with any of these suggestions.

When viewing a fashion show, as you probably know, it is not about being dressy, especially at eleven o'clock in the morning, it is all about wearing the best quality daytime attire that you can afford.

Entertaining: Fiftieth Anniversary: Destination Ceremony
Q Planning a 50th wedding anniversary trip for my parents to an all inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic and would like to invite family friends. Since I will not be able to pay for guests, how should I word the invitation? I want this to be a fun celebration and getaway for all.

A Firstly, you need to get a discount from the resort for your guests. You should be able to block off a group of rooms that your guests can reserve at a discount. Ask for 20% off, although 10% might be the best you get. Try to get them breakfast vouchers as well.

Then send an invitation for the anniversary party celebration dinner and include a card with airlines and hotel info that mentions the discount when mentioning your name. Add any other events such as a boat trip, meal or party that the guests will be invited to free of charge. If you give guests enough incentive, you can get some of your parents' friends to spring for the trip. Since you are asking guests to pay for their airfare, housing and meals, you'll have to let them off the hook about having to also buy your parents an anniversary present as well. It should be clear to your guests that the costs for their attendance is there gift.

Entertaining: Filling in the Blank
Q When returning a reply card to an invitation, on the line for the name that reads M________________, what is the proper way to respond for a Mr. and Mrs.? Thank you, Beverly

A The M is the first letter in Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms, and Master.
If you are responding for a married couple, you might write an "r." after the "M" and then "and Mrs. John Smith"

Entertaining: Filling Out Response Card
Q OK, I have what may be a stupid question about an R.S.V.P.
What is the proper way to fill out an R.S.V.P.?

Example: Kindly Respond Before March 27, 2006

M_____________________________________

______ Accepts With Joy

______ Persons Will Attend

______ Decline With Regret

I understand checking the appropriate intention and the number that will attend but how do I correctly fill in the M_________________? Do I put an "r" indicating Mr. and then my name or do I just simply write my name? I don't get the point of the "M". Please explain.
Thanks for your help.
Kevin

A It is not a stupid question. Write in the lower case letter "r" with a period after it like this r. and add your first and last name as it is addressed on the envelope of the invitation. It might look like this: Mr. William Shakespeare.

Entertaining: Finishing the Meal
Q When finishing a meal, what is the correct position to place the knife and fork? I was taught, to place the knife and fork side by side, facing north/south.

A After you have finished eating, place your knife and fork side by side at either six o'clock on your plate with the handles towards you and the points pointing away from you, or place them at 3:50, which is more precise and easier for the server. However, six o'clock is easier to remember and therefore it is more common.

Entertaining: First Communion Party for Cousins
Q What is the proper etiquette for a combined communion party for cousins? A girl and boy? Do we send a combined invitation or separate? How do you suggest wording on invitation to be ?

A You would do separate invitations. That way the "friends" of the girl's family won't be expected to give a gift to the boy as well, and vice versa. The problem is that the invitees should not be expected to give both the girl and the boy a gift. One First Communion ceremony and one communion party equals one present. You want to guide guests; if there's an overlap, say, with grandparents or cousins, it can't be helped. Otherwise, if you have one invitation for both, in the wording you would want to let the guests off the hook about bringing presents. (They can send a gift separately to the child's house.) Otherwise it can get dicey, should one child receive more gifts than the other.

Please join the families
of
Catherine Elizabeth Ross
and
William Robert Ross
directly following the
ten o'clock service
Trinity Episcopal Church
Newport
Sunday, March tenth
for a First Communion Party
185 Ocean Avenue

RSVP Alice Ross: 000-000-0000
Your presence, no presents, please

*Depending upon your denomination, you will have to check with the parish office to find out the wording your church uses: Holy Communion or First Communion.

Entertaining: First Date Etiquette
Q On a first date, do you sit across from your date at dinner?

A Yes, on a first date you might sit across from your date at dinner so that you can make eye contact and read her/his body language.

Entertaining: Fork Etiquette: Salad
Q When salad is being served after the main course, should the salad fork be to the left or the right of the dinner fork? I was taught to use the utensils "from outside in", but I'm also used to seeing the salad fork to the left of the the dinner fork. I know you'll know the proper answer to this question.

A The salad fork is placed on the table in the order of the progression of the meal. When salad is the first course, the salad fork is laid to the left of the dinner fork. Should the salad fork be placed to the right of the dinner fork, then you know that salad will be served after the main course. At a six course meal, if there is, say, a fish course and a pate course before the entree and the salad course is the fourth course, then that fourth fork is presented along with the salad. (At a very formal dinner it might appear on a small silver tray). There would never be more than three forks on the left side because the table would be too crowded.

At a formal dinner, the salad is usually served after the entree along with a tray of cheeses and crackers, whereas informally, the salad is served either as a first course or as a side dish with the entree. So, if at your family dinners you usually ate the salad course before the main course or with the main course, then you were taught to use the utensils "from outside in."

Entertaining: Fork Etiquette: Salad British Club Style
Q At a British Club, I ordered beef and salad. The waiter placed, in front of me, a big plate with the beef (and gravy) and placed a smaller dish (with the salad and a fork salad) on the upper left. Which is the right way to eat the salad? Thank you!

A You would eat the salad as a side dish along with your entree. For instance if you had ordered a side order of creamed spinach, the spinach would be placed to the upper left of your plate. The salad fork is often presented with the salad.

Americans tend to prefer to eat their salad course either for the first course or as a separate course between the entree and the dessert. More informally, salad is served with the entree, either on the entree plate or on a separate small plate that is larger than a butter plate. Most informally, a salad fork would not be used when the salad is served on the entree plate. More formally, a separate salad fork would be placed on the salad plate. Salad forks used to be called "lettuce forks" because they are designed to cut lettuce, whereas dinner forks are larger and heavier in order to manage the meat and are not as manageable for cutting lettuce.

The right way to eat the salad that was served to you at the British Club would have been to have eaten it as a side dish with the salad fork that was provided. Alternating forks, you would have eaten it along with the beef, leaving the fork on the corresponding plate behind. Because the beef had gravy, you wouldn't take a large dinner fork with gravy on it and use it on a small salad plate; therefore you would alternate forks. By the way, it is perfectly acceptable to pull the salad plate down from the upper left corner. It is placed in the upper left corner so that the cuff of your sleeve doesn't get soiled from the salad dressing should you brush the lettuce while cutting the beef.

Entertaining: Formal Ball: Defining Hours for Formal Occasion
Q Can you have a formal ball at 12:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.?

A Formal is after six o'clock at night. The later in the day, the more formal the invitation, dress code, etc.

Entertaining: Formal Dining: Clearing
Q When dinner is finished, what is the proper way to remove dishes from a formal dinner table?

A At a formal dinner, the waiter stands behind and to the left of the guest and with his left hand he removes the plate while the right hand swiftly places the next plate in front of the guest. When the guests leave the table to go into another room for coffee and brandy, the last course plates are still on the table, whether it is a dessert or a fruit and cheese plate.

Entertaining: Formal Dining: Serving + Clearing
Q In formal dining do you serve from right and pick up from left?

A At a formal dinner, the food serving proceeds to the right, counterclockwise, starting with the guest of honor. Wines are served to the left clockwise. The plates are served and cleared from the left side of the guest. The waiter's right hand clears the used plate, and the left hand slides the next plate into the place, as there is never an empty spot in front of the guest at a formal dinner. The exception is that glasses are cleared from the right side of the guest; rather than reach across the guest, the waiter clears the glass from the right. Beverages are served and cleared from the right side of the guest.

Entertaining: Formal Strauss Ball: Dress Code: Ball Gown vs. Evening Gown
Q I am a slim/not skinny 65-year-old. I will be attending a formal Strauss Ball - evening of waltzing. Am I too old to wear a light blue ball gown, v-neck and back?

A Apologies for not getting back to you sooner, I reached out for verification before answering your interesting question.

This is not just a formal party, it is a formal ball. As you say, there will be waltzing. Most of the women will be wearing either ball gowns or evening dresses comfortable for waltzing. If your dress works for waltzing in, then it should be fine. My first question is whether you want your partner's bare hand, assuming he might not be wearing white gloves, on your bare back? Especially after you've been dancing and your back is moist. Usually, the man places his hand closer to the waist, so you would take into consideration how bare your back will actually be and whether you perspire from dancing. Your height and your escort's height as to where he places his hand, should be considered.

As to the color, light blue is a beautiful color; however, as you know, light blue is a color associated with warm weather, so if there is the possibility of snow, you might rather have a more seasonal look.

Entertaining: Fruit as Appetizer
Q When a fruit plate or salad is served before the meal, what is it called? Appetizer?

A Yes, a fruit plate or salad served before a meal would fit into the appetizer category.

Entertaining: Fundraiser for Family Member
Q My daughter is a victim of hurricane Katrina and lost everything in New Orleans. She moved four times in nine months and has now finally settled in a doctoral program at a new school and a different location. I would like to have a 'new apartment shower' for her so she can try to replace some of the items lost last year, but wonder if what I plan to do will be considered totally rude. My daughter cannot come home for the festivities, so a normal shower is out of the question. I am planning to send invitations to some of her friends and some of our relatives and would call this a 'gift card' shower. I would like to ask that instead of sending the actual gift item that people send gift cards for one of the stores I would include in a list on the invitation. None of the stores is outrageous, and some would even be places where she can purchase food items during this very financially tight time for her. Another would be a book store to help replace some of the textbooks that were lost, and even a drug store to help with prescriptions. My daughter's losses will possibly never be completely known to her, since the memories are so difficult to face at times. It's been hard for us to help her out because of our own financial losses recently. I feel I would be happy to help out a friend or relative who had gone through a loss like this, so hope that others will feel the same. But, again, is this a complete no-no? Also, I'm trying to keep this a surprise, so can't ask her for addresses of her friends, and their invitations would be emailed. How far off the mark am I on this? Do you have a suggestion for something I can do to help her out? She's really having a very difficult time financially. Thanks for any ideas you can provide.


A You write very well. Why not write an email in the form of a letter saying pretty much what you just said to me taking out any references to your questioning the idea or how to carry out the plan? Your letter is heartfelt and will come across as sincere. Keep it plain and simple: send the letter saying that she needs help because she is struggling with trying to get her life back together and finishing school; let people respond in their own way. Perhaps for some, writing a check would be easier than going out to buy a gift card, so let them choose their method of expressing their sympathy and compassion. Those friends that are not on the Net would be sent printouts of your letter personally signed by you. I question whether you would need to have a shower per se. If, as you say, money is tight all around, why not just thank all those who do send her checks or gift cards in your own way by inviting a couple of them at a time to dinner, lunch, brunch, or tea over a period of time. In other words make smaller thank-you parties. Most people are thankful for contact and like to feel needed, but I am not sure calling it an "apartment shower" is really in her best interest because it sounds as if she really needs more than just stuff for the apartment. There is something about staging a "shower" for a "hurricane" victim that doesn't sound quite right. Why not call a spade a spade. You are doing a fundraiser to help your daughter get back on her feet.

Entertaining: Fundraising Event: Should Recipient Attend
Q Aloha Didi:

I have a terminal sickness, a benefit event is being
held for me. Should I attend or can I skip it? I don't know which is correct.

A If you are able to attend the benefit event, do so because contributors like to know where their money is going. Your being there will generate funds for your benefit. So, if it is at all possible, make the effort. You don't have to stay long. If it is a two hour event, arrive half an hour late and leave half an hour early.

Attending will serve to authenticate the benefit.

Entertaining: General: Corporate Dinner: Corsages for the Spouses
Q Didi,

We are having a recognition dinner for Board members who have completed serving their terms and have invited their spouses. The Board members will be presented with a recognition award. What is the proper etiquette for the spouses? Are they to receive anything, i.e. corsage?

A In my opinion, corsages are tacky and all too often ruin a new dress or jacket by making forced pin holes. The exception would be one lone, beautiful gardenia. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love the scent and romantic look of a fresh gardenia and she doesn't have to put it on, but she will take it home. In the present economic climate, the spouses would not expect you to spend money on corsages; however, no woman would look down her nose at a fresh gardenia.

In more affluent times, you might give the spouses a "party favor" of something useful, such as a silver or leather key chain or small picture frame (see corporate gifts online at ScullyandScully or Tiffany). They would be tastefully wrapped and set at each spouse's place in back of her/his place card.

Entertaining: General: Guest Who Arrive Too Early
Q I don't know if things will ever change with my in-laws, but they show up early for everything. At least 1 to 2 hours early. It doesn't matter what it's for. It is really stressing me out. We expect them at one time and then "here they are"! Extremely early. What can we say? Is it rude to show up early? Please help. Thank you so much.

A Why not give your in-laws a different arrival time than the other guests. If you are planning on inviting people to come for dinner at six and your in-laws would otherwise show up at four, why not tell them that you have a conflict so you're asking people to come at eight, that way they will come at six instead of four o'clock. Be honest with the other guests and say that as much as you love your in-laws, it is distracting to have them arrive two hours earlier so you are giving them a later start time to enable you to focus on preparing dinner. Is it rude to show up that early? Yes, it is terribly inconsiderate. However, your in-laws are probably coming early because they are used to eating earlier; therefore their bodies are on a different clock. Perhaps, they really want to help out and pitch-in, but that can be annoying when you're trying to prepare a meal. Alternatively, your husband could put in a DVD of one of their favorite movies that they can watch for two hours while you and your husband cook the dinner. By the way, if the in-laws catch on that you're inviting them to come later, tell them the truth, but start the conversation by saying, "As much as we love your company, when we're preparing a meal for you we like to focus on the preparation so that when you arrive, we can give you our undivided attention."

Entertaining: General: Invitations: Mailing Date
Q Party invitations should be mailed how many weeks in advance?

A For a party on a weekend the invitations would go out four weeks prior to the date. Weekday parties two to three weeks. It would also depend upon the formality of the party. For instance invitations for a wedding or a charity ball should be mailed eight to six weeks prior to the date; eight weeks if a save-the-date card had not previously been sent.

Entertaining: Getting Guest to Leave
Q How do you get guests that stay too long to leave?

A Stop serving food and drink and they will leave. Alternatively, you can say, "Would you like one last drink?" with the emphasis on the word "last." If that fails, you can start washing the dishes and if that fails, too, you can jokingly say, "Time to kick you out, we're going to bed."

Entertaining: Getting Out of a Previous Engagement
Q Dear Didi - I was invited to Thanksgiving Dinner by a friend of rather short acquaintance from my church. Due to some church business, this person is no longer speaking to me. Is it my responsibility to tell her or her responsibilty to tell me that plans have changed? The difficulty was not my doing, but she views it that way and no amount of explanation from mutual friends has changed her mind. I want to do the kindest, most courteous communication, but I'm not sure how to proceed. Can you advise me. Thank you, Confused.

A I want you to do the kindest, most courteous thing here. Obviously, you are not going to this person's house for Thanksgiving and this person is in the same position that you are in: not knowing how to get out of this social obligation. You can either e-mail, or send a note on your best social stationery, that says, "Thank you so very much for your kind invitation for Thanksgiving Dinner; however, I find that my plans have changed and I am no longer able to attend. You and your family have my very best wishes for the happiest of holidays. Most sincerely, Mary." Not only are you letting this person off the hook, but you are saving this person from stressing out wondering if you will be showing up or not.

Entertaining: Getting the Guest to Compensate
Q I've got this dilemma. I've got a nice apartment in Manhattan that all my friends know I rarely use. I don't mind my friends using it, but a sort of business acquaintance who is very stuffy asked me if he could stay in the apartment after I told him I would be away at that time. I don't mind giving it to him, but I feel there should be some kind of compensation, what can I do, Didi, to make this work right?

A Help him to understand right away that you're not playing games. He can use the apartment under the condition that he pays you $150 for the cleaning lady, and leaves her a tip. People suffering from entitlement syndrome, such as the stuffy business acquaintance, should definitely be made aware of the fact that cleaning will have to be paid for to look after him, and it won't be you. In a nice way, of course.

Entertaining: Gift for Host of Going Away Party?
Q If attending a going away party for someone, do you need to bring a gift for the host?

A No, you do not need to bring a gift for the host. The host has extended a social bid by inviting you and might perfer that you return his hospitality by inviting him to a party you host at another point in time. Even though you don't need to bring a present, you might want to telephone the host the next day to tell him how much you enjoyed yourself at his party.

Entertaining: Gift to Appreciation Luncheon?
Q Do I bring a hostess gift to an appreciation luncheon?

A No, you are not required to bring a hostess gift to an appreciation luncheon; however, you might write a thank-you note the next day.

Entertaining: Gifts + Retirement Party
Q Do you give a gift at a retirement party?

A No, you do not need to give a retirement present because by the time people are ready to retire they are probably in the process of getting rid of "stuff." Also, retirees are not expected to spend money on gifts for people their age or older. You might send a funny card.

Entertaining: Gifts Missing From Bar Mitzvah
Q At my son's Bar Mitzvah, there were 3 children that we don't have a record of bringing a gift. We don't know if it was lost, stolen or if they never brought a gift or envelope with a check or money. What if anything should we do? We're trying to finish all thank-you notes!!

A What a predicament: you want to send thank-you notes but you are unsure about the whereabouts of the gifts. I think it is safe to assume that three children forgot to bring gifts. You might find that a gift might arrive in the mail at a later date. Nowadays, with so many moms and dads working, we have to be compassionate and cut them some slack. They just may not be as organized as you. In the lives of very busy families we have to consider the possibility that mom thought dad was picking up the present but dad thought the baby-sitter, who picks his son up from school, was assigned to get the present. Hosts these days need to go up the ladder and take the focus off the booty. Chances are one of the parents will inquire as to whether your son liked his gift because her son hadn't gotten a thank-you note and then you can say that three presents went missing during the party. Who knows, your son's gift may be under the back seat of someone's mini-van along with the missing sneaker. It is important not to make a big issue out of this otherwise your son might think his Bar Mitzvah was all about the booty and not so much about the deeply religious ceremony that, in fact, it is about. Also, Bar Mitzvah customs may not be understood by other religions; for instance, when Christians are confirmed their friends don't give them presents because everyone is confirmed together with their class on the same day and families celebrate afterwards privately. If you think a big check is missing, then by all means call the parent to say, "I think you need to stop the check".

Entertaining: Gifts of Wine
Q My husband and I recently had a group of friends over to play cards. Several of them brought nice, moderately priced bottles of wine. (I only reference the price because I feel badly about not serving them.) We had adequately supplied our beverage table with a selection of wine. Were we obligated to open the wine brought by guests or is wine brought by them considered a host gift? This gathering is very casual and we rotate houses each month.


A You do not have to serve your guest the wine that they brought but you need to be aware of the fact that often people are stuck on one particular taste of wine and to be assured that they have wine they like, they bring a bottle of what they want to drink. I have a friend who used to bring her own bottle of Tanqueray gin when she came for cocktails because that was the only gin she would drink. Next time when a guest at your card game brings wine, ask them if they would like you to open it then so they can drink it, or should you keep it for another occasion. For instance, I don't like Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, or Sauvignon Blanc, so I would most likely bring you a bottle of Muscadet.

On the other hand, you don't want a whole lot of bottles left half full at the end of the evening. I would go with asking them if what they brought is what they would like to drink. As the rotating card game is not BYO, because you're providing drinks, the wine brought is considered a gift to do with as you please.

Entertaining: Gifts or No Gifts
Q I'm hosting a small birthday party for my mother who is 85... it's a casual, at home, buffet lunch for 20-25..... a friend of mine says I should put "no gifts" on the invitiation if I don't want people who are just casual family friends to feel obligated ... I don't like this... I aways feel uncomfortable if I get an invitation that says that because, if I show up without a gift and then see that other people brought one anyway, I feel I should have brought one also.... and if I bring a gift and others don't I wonder if I've made someone elso uncomfortable.


A If you indicate clearly on the invitation that presents are not required by saying, "No presents, please" or "Presence, but no presents," your guests will get the hint. However, if someone wishes to bring a gift, let them. Many people are givers and give because they love to give, so let them.

Entertaining: Gifts: Grad School Celebration
Q My husband and I were invited to join the family in their celebration of their daughter graduating Nursing School. Are we expected to present a gift?

A If the celebration is a Dutch Treat luncheon after the ceremony, then paying for your own meals is sufficient. However, if you are being treated, then you would bring a small gift or a card with a gift card or small check enclosed.

Entertaining: Girls: Proper Etiquette for Formal Occasions
Q What are the proper manners and etiquette for girls in a formal occasion?

A Etiquette for girls in a formal occasion:

The girl should be well groomed and dressed appropriately for the occasion. If it is a "black-tie" event, she can wear a simple long dress. Shorter girls tend to wear high heels at a younger age. The hem of a short dress would fall at the knees and no higher. Only simple real gold or pearl jewelry is warn. Any upper body art (tattoos) would be covered up by a cardigan sweater. At a high church wedding, arms and legs would be covered, so if the girl is wearing a short dress, she would wear tights.

In my opinion, children do not belong at parties where alcohol is being served. If attending a wedding, children under the age of eight should not attend the reception if it is a seated candlelit dinner. If the child does attend a seated dinner, watch for signs of her being over-tired or over-stimulated, and take her home before there are tears. It goes without saying that any person under the age of twenty-one would not be served or not drink any alcohol. Remember that party favors that are candy and sweet desserts such as wedding cake will over stimulate the child, so it would be best to take the favor home to be eaten the next day.

The girl would go through any wedding receiving line with her mother shaking hands first and introducing the daughter, if her child is not known to the host. The child would shake hands and then the father would shake hands, so the child is between the parents going through a receiving line. It would be good to role play this ahead of time.

Remember that you and you alone are responsible for your child so, if you do not want to watch her during the party, leave her at home with a sitter or ask if you can bring a sitter to the party to watch over her. Formal lunches and dinners are especially tedious for young children, even if there are other children in attendance. If they don't already know them, it is possible that they will not connect with the other children and end up at your side or sitting alone.

The rule at a wedding is that nobody leaves until the bride cuts the cake, so if she is attending the dinner, you might want to leave after one dance, if she's under eight. Depending upon her age, she could dance with her father, and perhaps a brother once, and then she should go home.

Formal occasions are a good excuse to teach a girl about thank-you notes. If she is very young, you can write the note for her and have her copy it. Obviously it does not have to be perfect. Likewise, with learning how to shake hands and say "how do you do" in the receiving line. Table manners are something that girls learn at the dinner table every night, so I am assuming that the girl will know how to cut her food properly, to leave her knife and fork side-by-side with the handles at approximately ten minutes to four o'clock if her plate were a clock. She would sit when the other girls and women sit down at the table and she might have a place card. If she does, be sure to remember the number of her table if you are seated at different tables. She would put her napkin in her lap to cover the skirt of her dress until she stands up to leave, then she would loosely fold her napkin, it doesn't have to be perfectly folded, and she would leave her napkin to the left of her plate before getting up from her seat.

Should the girl need to excuse herself, she should tell her parent where she is going and let her know when she goes back to her seat. It goes without saying that she would wash her hands before going back to her table.

At the table she would be sure to leave on a plate any spoon, fork or knife that she has used or is using. For instance she would leave the butter knife on the butter plate and the salad fork on the salad plate. If she doesn't know which utensils to use, you might go over that ahead of time. For instance, generally she would use the utensils farthest away from the plate first. If she is not sure which utensil to use, she can always look around to see which utensil others are using. Those utensils are not waved in the air like flags while she's talking. Remind her that the waiter will put the food in front of her from her right side and take the plate away from the left when she's finished. To make her feel comfortable about being waited on, you can role play at home and/or take her to a restaurant with tablecloths and proper waiters to help her feel comfortable about being waited on. Tell her, for instance, that she doesn't have to clean her plate or clear her plate, because the waiter will do that for her. If she drops a utensil, all she has to do is to tell the waiter and he will pick it up and bring her a replacement. If she doesn't like the food, then she should keep quiet about it and push the food around on her plate to make it seem as though she has tried everything. If you know the child is a picky eater, then be sure to feed her ahead of time. You can show her how to wipe her mouth after taking an especially big bite of something juicy by taking a corner of a cloth napkin and dabbing at and around your mouth, then watch her do it. Have her look in a mirror as she dabs her mouth. If she doesn't want to swallow something in her mouth, show her how to move the food discreetly from her mouth into her napkin and put her napkin back in her lap (or under her chair). She can always ask the waiter for another napkin. If she doesn't know how to cut her food or is too young, then she should ask the waiter to do it for her. He will then remove her plate and bring it back. Show her how to tip the soup plate away from her so that the soup doesn't cascade onto her lap. You can even show her how to sip soup from the different soup spoons. The larger one that is shaped like a canoe tilts toward her to fill up with soup and tilts the soup back into her mouth. She would not shout across the table to get someone's attention, nor would she shout to someone at the next table. Remind her that a good dinner partner talks equally to the person seated to her right and then the person seated to her left. Say it is a bit of game, but that's how it is done. If the child does have a sitter with her, that sitter would be seated next to the child and would probably cut up the food for her and chat with her throughout the dinner.

If she is young, you might remind her to use her "inside" voice as opposed to her "outside" voice. For instance, she wouldn't yell across the room or church, "Mummy." Instead she would come and find you. When you arrive decide on a place where you can meet if she should get lost. If she does find another child to dance with, monitor the dance floor to be sure that they aren't stealing the show from the bride. If you see people stop dancing to watch them, then signal to her to come to you. It goes without saying that if she becomes overstimulated and/or starts crying, you would quickly and quietly remove her from the room and keep her there until she has calmed down.

If she is a teenager and being dropped off to attend a formal event, then you would agree ahead of time the exact time that you will be picking her up. The parent should then arrive early to pick her up and be prepared to wait past the agreed upon time. By the time she is a teenager, she should have the self-confidence to find the host and thank the host for the wonderful party before leaving. You can role play that, too. This is also a safety measure so that a grown-up knows that she is leaving the party.

Whatever her age, take her home before the party is over.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette
Q Should I always put a water goblet in the place settings--even if I am also serving iced tea?

A Yes, because guests have gotten into the habit of sipping water throughout their meal no matter what the featured beverage. As they are usually both large stemware with a thick density, I can understand that you're concerned about having both a water goblet and iced tea glass at the place setting; however, the needs of the guests are what the table is all about.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette
Q Should water goblets and other glasses (such as tea and wine) be filled before or after guests are seated?

A The water glasses are filled before the guests are seated. The wine or tea is usually poured after the guests are seated; however, often at dinner parties or charity events, a filled champagne glass or a white wine glass might be waiting for the guest at his or her place. Often it depends upon the caterer and if there is sufficient staff to pour while the first course is also being served by the waitstaff. At a more intimate dinner party, the wine would be poured just after the guests have been seated thus giving guests the option of white or red and perhaps allowing the guest to see the labels before deciding. At larger catered or charity events, the wines would be listed on the menu card.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette: Soda
Q If a guest at a dinner party requests a soft drink (or lemonade, etc.), what glass should be used to serve the beverage?

A You would use a long, narrow vessel with a short stem; it is a good shape for drinks such as iced coffee, iced tea, lemonade, vegetable juice, and soda, all of which are usually served with ice cubes.

Entertaining: Godmother Hosts Christening Party
Q Is it proper for the godmother to hold a christening party instead of the parents of the child?

A Yes, it is proper for the godmother to host a christening party instead of the child's parents. I am sure her godchild and the child's parents would greatly appreciate the celebration.

Entertaining: Gold and Silver Party
Q What is a gold and silver party? What would one wear to such a party? The party date is December 16.


A It sounds as if you have been invited to a holiday dance. You do not have to necessarily wear gold or silver, the gold and silver is reference to the fact that it is a dance. For instance people have black and white parties and balls. You would dress festively for the holidays. If it is a grown-up party and the invitation states, Black Tie or Formal, then you would wear a tuxedo or, if you are a woman, a beautiful long dress and long white gloves. If you have jewelry, you would wear it. If the dance is for teenagers, you would wear a tie and jacket with a white collared shirt, dark shoes and socks. If you are a girl, you would wear a pretty, dressy short dress with dressy heels.

Entertaining: Graduate Gifts
Q My husband & I recently received a college graduation announcement from the son of one of our friends. It is out of town and we cannot attend. Are we obligated to send a gift? If so what is the usual amount spent on a graduation gift? We have also received an invitation to another friend's daughter's high school graduation along with an open house beforehand. This one is not out of town and we may be able to attend but are not sure yet. What is the proper gift etiquette in this situation?

A Young adults graduating from college usually prefer a small check to do with what they may, along with a card. As I don't know how well you know the graduate, nor do I know your relationship to the parents, or how much you can afford to give, or how much the graduate needs money, I cannot tell you exactly how much money to give. The invitation was a social bid from the family, if you wish to sustain the relationship with the family, you might send a card and, if you can afford to include a check from anywhere from $20 to $50, I am sure the graduate would greatly appreciate your generosity and kindness.

As to the high school graduate: if she is college bound, you might give her an Oxford Dictionary or the Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus. Alternatively, you might give her a gift certificate to your local book store.

Entertaining: Graduation Celebration
Q I have a daughter graduating from college and we have invited family and friends to a local restaurant for dinner. There will be around 30 attending. Most of our family are gainfully employed but several of our daughther's friends will be there. My question is: would it be ok to offer to pay the college friends tabs and the tip and let the rest of the guests pay their own tabs?

A Having been through this with two daughters, I have a grounding on the situation. First off, if the party is at graduation, your daughter's friends will be involved with their own families. My suggestion is that your daughter's friends' families reserve tables at the same place you are hosting your family party. That way the kids are together with their friends and the parents cover the checks for their own family. The friends are then covered and you are welcome to invite your family to help celebrate this great milestone. Talk to your daughter to find out just how many friends will be without parents at graduation, and invite those, then have her suggest to the others they celebrate at the same place with their families. Our experience has been that it is a pretty loosey-goosey time in which to be too organized, because every family has their own agenda.

Entertaining: Graduation Party a Week Early
Q I am planning on having a college graduation party. I never had one for high school graduation (personal choice). I am wondering if it is okay to have the party a week prior to my graduation (I graduate Mother's Day weekend). I know that after Mother's Day weekend, things get pretty overwhelming for guests to attend so many other parties. Also, how far in advance should invitations be sent out?



A Sorry, but you really do not want to have a graduation party before the event. It might be like having the wedding reception before the wedding. Until officially you have that diploma in hand or that ring on your finger, you cannot celebrate the completion. Alternative to the week prior to your graduation, you might host a party the night before graduation.

Entertaining: Graduation Party When Parents Are Divorced
Q How do I handle my daughter's graduation party when her parents are divorced?

A Years ago when one of my best friends was going through a divorce, I insisted that both of the parents sit side by during their daughter's graduation so that when she looked down she would see her parents looking approvingly at her accomplishment. Your daughter's graduation is all about your daughter; it is not about the parents and the parents need to put their bitterness aside for one day and focus on their child's success. That graduation day turned out to be a turning point in the graduate's parents' relationship, which is why I am a big fan of uniting as one front for family occasions. Both parents should attend the graduation and sit side by side and attend the party, but if either of the parents becomes disgruntled, he or she might be the one to leave the party first. Remember, graduation is just the start, next comes the wedding, and then they'll have grandchildren in common, too; parents are role models for their daughter's behavior. If the mother and father handle the situation with dignity and are considerate, compassionate and learn to compromise, their daughter will have good manners, too.

Entertaining: Grandparents 75th Birthday: Paying to Have Family All Together
Q My grandparents are wanting to get all the children and grandchildren together this year for their 75th birthday. They would like to take care of the expenses for everyone; there should be about 30-40 ppl. I do not think this is fair to them, what do you think?

A If your parents want to bring the whole family together to celebrate their 75th birthday, that's a lovely thing to do so then they should do it. By offering to take care of everyone's expenses, they are leveling the playing field by not just paying the expenses for those who otherwise might not be able to attend. Or for whom it would be a hardship.

Entertaining: Granny Wants to Host Baby Shower
Q Is it okay for the mother of the expectant mother to give a baby shower?

A Yes, it is all right for the mother of the expectant mother to give a baby shower; however, she might want to clear it with her daughter first.

Entertaining: Greeting Guests
Q I am wondering this: If I am hosting people at my house, is it my responsiblity to greet them as they arrive or is it their responsiblity to seek me out and greet me?

A Both. A good guest finds his host when he arrives and then when he leaves to thank him. A good host makes himself evident near the entrance to greet his guests so that his guests don't have to wander around looking for him.

Entertaining: Greeting Staff
Q What's the appropriate way to greet someone's housekeeper? I recently visited my aunt and didn't know how to greet her housekeeper, who's worked for her for over twenty years and has known me since I was a child. I wanted to do more than just say hello but I wasn't sure a handshake or a hug or a kiss were appropriate.

A When upon entering a house you are greeted by a housekeeper, you would say "Hello" and "Wonderful weather we're having." In your case the housekeeper is a long-time, trusted caretaker whom you know by name, so if she used to give you hugs and wipe your tears as a small child, giving her a short social hug and saying something like "Margaret, it is good to see you, you never change," would be a lovely gesture. However, if the household is more formal and you never called her Margaret, you called her Mrs. Minerva, why not shake her hand and call her by name. If she is of the old school, she might wait until she is spoken to; however, as she is a woman she would have to put her hand out first in order for you to shake it. If you went towards her to give her a social hug, it would be up to her to divert your social hug with a handshake; or at arm's length she might take hold of your wrists and say, "What a fine man you've turned out to be, Elliot."

Entertaining: Grooming Code: Filing Nails at Table
Q If I break my nail while sitting in a restaurant in a large social group of folks who have known each other a long time, may I pull out my nail file & file off the rough edges at the table or should I do it in the restroom instead?

A Please don't file your nails at the table.. Excuse yourself and take care of your grooming needs in the ladies' room.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Deaf + Left-Handed
Q When I accept an invitation to a seated dinner, do I tell my hostess that I am not only deaf in my right ear but I am left-handed, or would that be odd? I am pretty good at lip reading but when I'm seated beside someone, it is harder to read lips than if you are across from them.

A By all means, be upfront with your hostess about being deaf in the right ear. That way she will pair you with someone she can confide in about your deafness and she won't seat you with a JKO soft, wispy voice. Remember that we all have our little kinks and quirks and the sooner you make up a clever signature comment about your condition, the more confident you will feel over time reeling it off. A thoughtful hostess will seat her left-handed guest on a corner.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Freeloaders
Q We see the same people at party after party who never reciprocate and yet they keep getting invitations. They have some nerve! At some point shouldn't they either regret invitations or throw a big bash?

A In this agenda-driven age, reciprocating is the right thing to do but it has to work for you and some people simply find entertaining too stressful; however, they like to go out to other people's parties. People give parties to have fun and because they enjoy introducing new friends to old ones; not just to pay people back. If you use a party as a pay-back, you will be disappointed. It takes a generous, self- confident host to throw a good party. Perhaps, your acquaintances whose behavior you question reciprocate in their own way by showing kindnesses that are not talked about. We are a quid pro quo culture so maybe they support the hosts charitable causes or perhaps their greatest asset is that they are jovial, self-sustaining guests. Parties need good guests as well as maven hosts. There are many hostesses here in Newport who delight in giving huge annual parties because they enjoy themselves from start to finish planning the party, creating a guest list, choosing the food and music. Entertaining is a great art, but we don't all have to play the piano. We, too, have friends that we see everywhere that don't entertain; however, they always greet me warmly making me feel special and, if I need a donation to a charity event, they always come through. Don't keep tabs, understand that we are a quid pro quo culture and over the span of a friendship it all evens out.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Regretting the Day of the Event
Q My husband and I were invited to a pool-side cookout by one of old friends from high school. We accepted the invitation over the phone. The day of the cookout, we could not attend due to a flair-up of a chronic illness that I have. My husband called the host and explained that I was having a really bad day......the host replied that he understood and gave his love and best wishes to me to feel better and that we'd try to do it again. I really feel bad about the situation and feel like I should do something more. Please advise with your proper etiquette. Thank you.
I

A The proper etiquette would be to invite the host for dinner or brunch. There really isn't anything else you could have done.

I probably would have sent my husband to the cookout with my regrets. Since your husband didn't go either, two people didn't show up. Next time, especially since you have a chronic illness, have your husband go without you. The exception would be if your husband didn't know the host, then that would have been awkward for him.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Thank-You Notes: Time Frame
Q Hi. What is the proper time frame for sending thank-you cards for an adult birthday party?

Thanks.

A Two months tops. You're "supposed" to send them within the week, but hardly anyone does any more. To be honest, most people are so busy that they procrastinate, but do you know what? Most people are so pleased to receive a handwritten envelope with a heartfelt thank-you note that they forgive the time lag.

Remember that if the invitation was sent via email, the thank-you note can be sent via email, as well.

Entertaining: Guest Inviting Guests
Q I am a new employee and I was invited by my boss to her husband's retirement party. At the last minute, I am needing to see if my partner can attend as he is coming in town to help me move into my new place of which they are aware. Is it inappropriate to ask if he can come to the party a day before it is supposed to take place?

A This retirement party does not sound as though it is a seated dinner, and therefore we're not worried about your friend not having a seat at the dinner table; I see no reason why you can't ask your new employer if you can, please, bring your partner. If you see that she is hesitating before answering, quickly say, "It's not a big deal, don't worry because s/he doesn't have to come." That way you are gently letting her off the hook, if she is about to say no. It also gives you a good reason to leave the party early without having to explain why.

Entertaining: Guest Leaves Money
Q When having a weekend guest and host wants to pay for a meal and guest leaves money on the table after leaving, what is the proper way to handle this?

A I am sorry but I don't understand your question. Would you please return to my Web site and ask the question again giving me more details. For instance, I don't understand: if the host has already paid the bill and the guest leaves money on the table after the guest left? Or after the host left? Is the money a tip? If the bill including tip has been paid by the host and the guest lays down cash, it would be appropriate for the host to take the money as reimbursement for the guest's meal. If I have not understood the question, I would be happy to give you my best answer when you give me more information.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Guest List at Door
Q How can you nicely say that someone MUST RSVP to get into an event?

A In order to do that, you might need to have the guest list checked off at the door; in that case the invitation might say: RSVP: Admittance Only.

Entertaining: Guest List: How to Control the Numbers
Q We're hosting a fortieth anniversary for ourselves and we would like to have about a hundred people; however, when we wrote out our guest list there were 180 names. How do we decide who to eliminate and who to invite?

A The best way to prune a guest list is to schedule your party for a Saturday night when you will be competing with other events and then make sure to mail the invitations out late, say, two weeks in advance as opposed to three or four weeks. By then some of your would-be-guests will have already made other plans, but you will still get credit for extending the invitation. Through word of mouth you can give your very closest friends and relatives the heads-up to save the date by telling them in advance that an invitation will be forthcoming for that date.

Entertaining: Guest Questions Bring Dish to Pass
Q Dish to pass question. We were recently invited to a 60th surprise birthday party. The hostess, the birthday boy's sister, has asked that everyone bring a Russian dish to pass, Russian being their ethnic background. This is not the first time this particular side of the family has asked that invitees bring food. Your thoughts?

A If this is a family tradition and you wish to take part in this ethnic tradition, take a Russian dish to the party. If you do not, tell the hostess that you are sorry but you are unable to come and send the birthday boy a card. An invitation is a social bid, either you accept the bid and sustain the relationship, or you don't.

Entertaining: Guest Strips Bed
Q Should you strip the bed at a guest's home the day you are leaving...or make it up?

A Yes, you would take all the sheets and pillow cases off the bed, fold them, and stack them at the foot of the bed along with any towels and washcloths you may have used. Would you want to sleep in someone else's used sheets?

Entertaining: Guest When Eating Out
Q What is the proper etiquette when you are asked out to dinner with friends and you know they are picking up the check? Do you order an expensive entree or middle of the price range? Thanks Dean

A You might not order the most expensive entree on the menu; find something you truly enjoy eating and go with what will make you happy.

Entertaining: Guests Who Don't RSVP
Q How do I handle guests that did not return a response card, but show up at the party anyway?

A You would handle the situation gracefully because you don't know, in fact, if the response card was delayed in the mail or even lost. Be gracious and pretend all is well and with little fuss have an extra place set for the guest. In the future, you might want to telephone people who have not responded reminding them that you need an accurate head count.

Entertaining: Guests: Gifts
Q When you have dinner guests, is it appropriate to open their wine and or prepackaged snacks to consume along with yours? Or can you save them for later to consume for ourselves to consume at another time?

A It would depend upon how many other guests are involved. One bottle of wine doesn't go very far, so if there were over six people, you probably wouldn't open it unless the guest who brought it insists. In theory, you would change glasses when you change wines. Often when a guest arrives with one bottle of wine and sees immediately that there are lots of guests, he will say something such as this, "I thought you would like this nice Bordeaux, but you don't have to open now." Also, the host can ask the guest if he would like it opened; and, of course, if he needs more wine for the party, he'll open the bottle. So, at a small gathering you could open the wine, unless the guest says to save it. Most likely if it is a large party, you would leave the bottle of wine near the front door with the other gifts. It all depends upon the situation: for instance a white wine would need to be chilled. The same goes with the prepacked snacks; however, if you have enough snacks out already, you might not need that much food. It is always polite to open any wine or prepackaged snacks, but a gift shouldn't have any strings attached to it, so you don't have to open what has been brought, especially if it doesn't fit in to what else you are serving. A lot of people feel that they cannot arrive empty handed because they don't understand that an invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation.

Entertaining: Guys + Entertaining
Q I am a guy who has never mastered the art of building new friendships with other guys. Sometimes I get invited to sporting events/golf/dinner, etc., and I never reciprocate because: 1. I don't have sports tickets or a club membership, and 2. I'm not sure how to invite guys out. Consequently, my circle of friends is roughly unchanged from my 2nd year of college (which was a while ago). Any thoughts on 1 and 2? Thanks!

A Most unmarried men who do not entertain at home will host a dinner at a restaurant, say, once a year to reciprocate invitations to parties that he attended given by his married and unmarried friends during the year. So: make a list of those whom you owe and then even out the odds with extra men or women and there is your guest list. Before the dinner memorize a seating chart and seat your guests boy, girl, boy girl. Often, if you are in business, you will be able to take the cost of the meal as a tax deduction, if, say, you do business with one of the guests. Check with your accountant first, but this is how many unmarried men entertain. The restaurant does not have to be expensive. It can be a Chinese or a barbecue restaurant. You will find that you will get many return invitations when your friends find out that you reciprocate their invitations.

Entertaining: Half Past or Half-Past
Q Half past or half-past?


A Both are correct; however, on a social invitation you might rather use half past because it looks less business-like.

Entertaining: Hands
Q Where do I put my hands during a meal?

A In my opinion, when you are listening and not talking or eating, your hands would rest in your lap anchoring your napkin. You would not rest your folded arms or elbows on the table until the last course has been cleared and you are just drinking coffee and/or after dinner drinks and talking.

Entertaining: Hats: Cruise Ship: Western Hat
Q What is the proper etiquette for wearing a western, cowboy hat to a formal dinner? My husband will be wearing a black tuxedo with dress boots on a summer cruise? I know that you wear felt western hats in the winter months and straw western hats in the summer; but the straw hat for cruising during the summer months seems so casual for a tuxedo at night. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

A I think of J.R. Ewing in the TV series Dallas wearing a black Stetson with his tuxedo. He wouldn't have worn a tan or brown straw Western hat with a tuxedo, if he wore a hat at all.

Entertaining: Head Table
Q When is a head table required? I had a valentine banquet for church and did not have a head table. We had two people who were being honored (a suprise). We invited the Mayor and State Representative, but explained that we would not have a head table because it was a fellowship event. It was an opportunity for the people to mix and mingle. There was not a speaker. There was live music, dinner, and fellowship. The State Representative thought it was wonderful that he was able to mix and mingle (as he is running for office again) and so did the Mayor. However, some people in the mix were offended. Was not having a head table inappropriate? Please advise.
Thank you,
KMBR

A Head tables are awfully stuffy and the poor people who are stuck at them aren't able to talk to as many people as they would if they were at a round table of ten or twelve. It sounds as though you totally did the right thing. Unless the dinner is in honor of someone and you have speakers, you would not have a head table. As you say, people like to mix and mingle.

Entertaining: High School Dinner: Glamorous Bling-Bling
Q Hello. This March my student council made a night dinner for us and the theme is glamorous bling-bling. We can wear anything but I don't know what to wear as there are some rules which are: we need to wear nothing sexy, it must be long-sleeved and covers our legs. I did not know what to wear, same goes to the shoes. Hope you will help me, thank you :D

A Your Student Council wants students to dress in dressier clothing than they would wear to school or hanging out on weekends, but not as dressy as attending a dance. Find a pair of slim-fit pants, a knee-length pencil skirt, or a long skirt in your closet and pair it with a dressy top that has a feminine ruffle, beading, or embroidery. The SC wants to show that you can look dressy without showing bare skin. Then find a pair of pretty shoes, pretty shoes can make the outfit. I understand the long sleeves, but not the covered legs. Find out, but you should be able to wear a dress or skirt that falls just above your knees with appropriate legwear. Legwear can be great fun especially when you find a pair of tights in a pretty pattern.

If you're not up to buying a knee-length dress and tights for the dinner, then find something you already have and get creative. Secondhand clothing stores are a great source for finding a dressy cardigan sweater, blouse, or shoes to add a bling accessory to your outfit, such as a glittery headband or shiny beads.

Entertaining: High Tea Etiquette
Q We want to host a high tea to celebrate an English friend's birthday and we want to do it right. Can you give us the fine points, please? And tell us, please, what it's all about?
Thank you so very much!

A The British custom of afternoon high tea is more than just a meal, it is a ritual. The story goes back to the 1830s when the wife of the seventh duke of Bedford, the great hostess the Duchess Anna Maria, decided that the length of time between lunch and a formal dinner was too long for her house guests. They had no doubt been engaged in various rigorous activities in the afternoon and therefore should be served a formal, high tea to hold them over until dinner.

To this day, since 1865, the finest hotels in London have been serving high teas allowing the etiquette of high tea to evolve and yet still adhere to traditional codes and standards:
Always pour the tea before adding the milk.
Always slice the lemon, never serve wedges.
Never stir tea so that the spoon clanks against the sides of the cup.
Always point the spout of the teapot towards the hostess.
Never raise your pinkie finger while sipping from the cup.
Never dunk.
Always serve sandwiches without the crusts.
Do spread the entire scone with clotted cream or/and jam.

To be totally proper, you will want to serve loose fresh tea after resting for four minutes from a pot into tea cups which are slightly smaller than coffee cups; use small, cloth luncheon napkins or large linen cocktail napkins, saucers, and teaspoons.

High tea mirrors a meal by starting with crustless sandwiches (often cut into interesting shapes), which are savory, and ending with pastries, the sweet. The savories are eaten before the sweets on the same small dessert plate, which is slightly larger than a butter plate, but either will do. Watch that pinkie!

I might add that if your budget can cover it, a glass of champagne is served either first or at the end as a toast to the birthday girl.

Entertaining: High Tea: Dress Code
Q Should your hats, shoes and gloves match if you are going to a Tea?

A They don't have to match perfectly. For instance, if your gloves are white or off-white, you would wear beige shoes and have a beige handbag. Your hat then would not necessarily have to be white, off-white or beige, but should pick up the color or colors in your dress or suit.

Entertaining: High Tea: Dress Code
Q What do I wear to a High Tea at a Country Club, sponsored by the St. Patrick's Guild of my parish?
Would a black skirt suit with a white color be ok? or black pants with a yellow top?

A I always think that the dress code for High Tea is dresses, suits and hats. The difference between a tea party and a High Tea is that those going to a High Tea will dress up for the fun of it.

Entertaining: Holding a Red Wine Glass
Q When holding a red wine glass, do you hold the stem of the glass?

A No, you hold the bowl of the glass gently.

Entertaining: Holiday Cellphone Use In the Bathroom
Q During a holiday party I used the bathroom to call ahead to a restaurant to see if I could get a table. My girlfriend said that she thought using a cellphone in a host's bathroom was bad manners. Was I in the wrong? Help!

A Intel just released a Harris poll study on the importance of keeping tech tasteful during the holidays. 80 percent of the population polled feel there are unspoken rules about using mobile technology. 69 percent agreed that violating these unspoken cellphone and Blackberry etiquette guidelines, such as sending text messages and making phone calls while in the company of others, is unacceptable. 52 percent said they would be offended to see a cellphone or Blackberry being used at a holiday party. Nonetheless, despite hygiene considerations, 75 percent feel that it would be perfectly appropriate to use cellphones in the bathroom, with only 25 percent agreeing it was inappropriate behavior.

As technology becomes more integrated into our social lives, the more acceptable it becomes. Texting or calling in the privacy of the bathroom is not annoying to other party goers, except of course, if there are other guests waiting in line to use the facilities. If there is a line, get in and out fast. It only would have been "wrong" if there had been a long line of revelers waiting to use the bathroom.

Entertaining: Holiday Etiquette: New Year's Toast
Q Can you recommend a New Year's Eve toast? Every New Year's we go to our best friends' house for dinner and we all have to come up with a toast.

A Here is one that is easy to remember:
Be at war with your vices,/ At peace with your neighbors,/ And let every New Year find you a better person.

Entertaining: Holiday Invitations
Q My girlfriend and I are throwing a Christmas party and we are sending out seventy invitations to fellow students in our business school. Amanda insists that we should call it a Holiday Party, but I would like to call it a Christmas Party because we are having a tree and decorating for Christmas. How should we refer to the party in the invitation?

A Most likely the design of your invitation will have a Christmas theme or colors and the invitees will get the message that it is a Christmas Party, even if you don't use the word Christmas. Especially since you are in an academic situation, you need to use the word "Holiday" instead of "Christmas". Remember your peers in grad school will be the people you network with in business and you wouldn't want to offend anyone. An exception would be if your invitation read "Christmas 2005", because every year you numbered your party.

Entertaining: Holiday Parties: Guest Replied Too Late
Q Hi Didi

Were having a formal holiday party in December and everyone must rsvp in order to receive their formal invitation. Last year we had several employees complain that they rsvp and did not receive their invitation so last minute we added 2 additional tables and cost the company over $1000.00 to do. My VP wants to add on the invitation that no shows will be charged $100.00 pp for their plate. What's the best way to add this to the invitation? Thanks Karina

A Gee, that's not in the holiday spirit. Not making the RSVP date is a bit rough. Better to say, "Hey, you didn't respond, next time respond. Sorry."

Entertaining: Holiday: Gift Opening Etiquette
Q When I entertain my ladies' group, they all bring gifts. Should I open them while they are present or after they leave?

A There are two thoughts on this. Either you open all the gifts so the ladies can compare their gift with the other gifts, or you save them all to open later. I would say if you know there will be a radical difference in the value of the gifts to you, then definitely say, "I would like to savor opening them later and concentrate on talking to everyone now." Moreover, if you're afraid of hurting feelings by not opening the gift in their presence, then open them. However, if even one woman hasn't brought a gift, don't open them, because you don't want that person feeling remiss for not bringing you a gift. So, as you see it's all about picking up on the nuances.

It goes without saying that if you have a gift, or party favor, for everyone and everyone has a gift for you, then you would open their gifts while they're opening yours. As the hostess, you set the tone of the party.

Entertaining: Holiday: Gifts: Daughter-In-Law
Q I recently sent you a question regarding baby showers and if I should send out-of-towners invites since my mother-in- law said it would look like I was just asking for gifts. I am taking your advice and only sending birth announcements to her family. I appreciate your quick response. Today I received an email from my mother-in-law telling me what her and her husband want for Christmas. I found this very disrespectful and inconsiderate. My husband and I just moved to be closer to my family since I am pregnant and live with my father and stepmother. My husband just got a job and hasn't even gotten a paycheck yet. My family told us not to buy them anything for Christmas, to save our money for the baby. How should I deal with my mother-in- law? No matter what I do I am always wrong. I am sending her an email telling her what my family said but I don't know how to deal with her telling me it isn't proper to ask for gifts and then having her ask for gifts from me and my husband when she knows our situation. My husband is to the point he wants nothing to do with his family because of how his mother is being. I feel like I am causing problems in his family. Please help.

A My dear, not to worry. I've had a mother-in-law, and now I am one. Politely say to your mother-in-law that you and your husband have already decided on her gift. Let her have some mystery in her life! Then bake her a pound cake or holiday bread, Christmas coffee cake or cookies as her gift. You could even roast nuts in egg whites mixed with sesame and brown sugar. You can never be criticized for giving someone something that you made. She doesn't have to know that you used a boxed baked good from the grocery store to make her gift. When you go down a notch gift-wise, you establish boundaries by stating that: you and your husband will decide the gift; it will be a handmade gift. With mothers-in-law you have to set boundaries early on of what you will do, because if you don't, you'll always be stressed trying to please.

Entertaining: Honorees
Q Didi,
What is the appropriate invitation (i.e. letter format) and wording to send to former Board members for a dinner that will be held recognizing their dedicated years of service?
Their spouses are also invited to attend.

Thank you,
Shari

A The protocol is for the head of the current board to phone each of the former board members being honored to tell him or her personally of the current board's plan. At that time he/she would make sure that the date that has been chosen works for all of the honorees. Before you do the inviting, you have to be sure that you have all of your honorees on board for that date.

Nonetheless, you wouldn't send a letter inviting them because each honoree would be phoned first. Your plan is not complete until you have a confirmed date that works for all those who are being honored. Once the date has been agreed upon, then the letter confirming the commitment can be sent out.

Entertaining: Honoring A Mentor
Q How would I word an invitation to a party honoring a certain person who has helped me in my life?

A You are not giving me much to work with because I don't know if you are giving the party with your spouse and I don't know what kind of a party you are giving for the honoree, but here is the standard form:

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Columbus
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail-Buffet
in honor of
Dr. William Shakespeare
on Thursday, April 1st
from six to nine o'clock
The Brook Club
New York City
RSVP
(your telephone number)

Entertaining: Honoring Church Member to Supreme Court
Q We are having a party to honor a friend and fellow Church member who was recently promoted to the Supreme Court. Could you suggest how we word the invitations?

A I would like to help you but I will need some more information in order to give you the proper advice. Is the church hosting the party? Are you hosting the party, are you Mr. and Mrs.? Does the friend being honored have a wife? What sort of a party? If you will please return to my Web site and ask the question again covering these details, I will be happy to give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Honoring Outgoing Board Members
Q What is an appropriate gift to present to outgoing Board members who have served for 9 years on the Board with total commitment and more to the organization.

Thank you.

A Have the organization host a private luncheon or dinner with lots of short toasts sighting the various things that the individual Board member has done or helped the organization accomplish. As a token, a photo or print of something that brands the organization such as a statue, painting, or building that the honoree can hang on his wall is always impressive. It could be as simple and inexpensive as a framed invitation for a centennial or other commemorative event that the Board member had helped take place. That sort of memento is always a good conversation piece.

The one thing that you don't want to do is to spend a lot of money on the gift because it will be considered a foolish waste of donors' contributions. It is not about how much you spend, but more about the sentiment and how the organization shows appreciation. Many organizations give a simple plaque of appreciation made up with the honoree's name engraved on it and it is presented at the annual meeting.

During this downturn in the economy, why not use a dinner to celebrate the honorees to raise more money and open it up to your list of donors as a fundraiser? What a great honor that would be! Don't make it a black-tie affair, just make it early and seated, perhaps starting with cocktails at six o'clock followed by a seated dinner with perhaps a pianist playing during cocktails. You want your other donors to look up to the Board members who are retiring as role models. Then they'll think that perhaps someday they might be honored, too, at a fundraising dinner for the organization. You would get invitation lists from all the honorees of their close friends and family and business colleagues who will all want to buy tables, or at least a ticket or two to the dinner.

As I know nothing about your organization, or budget, these are rather general suggestions.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Being Asked to Take Off Your Shoes
Q I'm having a mardi gras at my home. Is it proper to ask the invitees to remove their shoes and should I provide footie socks for them? thanks

A Please go to the top of the page and click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Entertaining: Party Etiquette: Wet Boots, because you might be amused by my answer.

In a medical supply store you should be able to buy a box of surgical booties for your guests to tie on over their shoes.

Personally, as you will see from the last answer on this subject, I feel that shoes are part of my outfit and being asked to wear footie socks would really annoy me.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Ending the Party
Q I love giving cocktail parties but there comes a point when I want everyone to leave. I have thought about putting the word "precisely" after 8:00 PM to indicate on the invitiation the end of the affair but it sounds rude. Aside from saying, "Sorry to throw you out," what can I say to move guests out the door?

A Why not say to your guests with a handshake or a kiss, "So glad you were able to come." Alternatively, you can always announce that you are going on somewhere else afterwards, which is usually the case summer evenings in Newport.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Feeding Young Adults
Q My son is celebrating his 21st birthday party at our house. We've promised that we won't come downstairs, but we've told him we will be in the house. I offered to have the party catered with cold cuts, pastas, and salads, even though the party is not for dinner, but my son says that it would seem childish. My husband and I don't want him and his friends drinking on an empty stomach and then driving home. What's a parent to do?

A Find a caterer who can make up sandwiches using sandwich buns and put them on large platters. He should be able to provide you with a large coffee urn, paper cups with tops, cream and sugar, and paper plates and napkins. The caterer will set up a buffet table with all the sandwiches, make the coffee, and leave before the guests arrive. If you also ask him to leave a basket of wrapped sandwiches marked "Ham and Cheese," "Peanut Butter + Bacon," "Egg Salad," etcetera, it will encourage people to take a sandwich for the road. I would stay away from salted chips and dips that can make one thirsty and the sugar highs of sweet desserts, but if he places a basket of donuts next to the coffee urn, the donuts should absorb some of the alcohol---perhaps.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Placecards: Missing Guest Name
Q How do you address placecards when you don't have the name of the guest?

A You telephone or e-mail the guest and say, "We (I) don't seem to have the name of your guest, would you please give me the correct spelling of his/her name so that it is correct on the placecard." Then say that you appreciate the response. At a formal dinner, you would never put down a blank placecard or a placecard that says, "Guest."

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Surprised Guest
Q I had a friend who invited me to dinner, and then invited a 3rd party along at the last moment without my knowledge. Is this appropriate? The friend said they wanted to take me out to thank me for being a good friend. I was looking forward to a relaxing dinner, and then the day before my friend told me that she had invited my mother to come also. I felt my friend should have asked if that would be okay with me, prior to inviting my mother. Am I being selfish? What is the rule of thumb in general for inviting a third party to an already planned event? I would appreciate any guidance you can give. My friend said that I am being too uptight and her philosophy is "the more the merrier". She says it should not matter to me who shows up for dinner. I think it would have been fine to invite my mother if I had known at the beginning and could have made preparations. My sister ended up coming too! (The original invite was only for myself from my friend). Am I being ungrateful of selfish? Thanks for any advice you can give. Signed Three is a crowd sometimes.

A You were disappointed that you couldn't have a quiet dinner with your friend. You are right. Your friend should have given you the heads-up that she was also inviting your mother and sister. I don't blame you for not liking surprises. Now you know, next time your friend wants to make a plan ask, "Who else are you inviting?" Then at least you have the option to opt out.

Entertaining: Host Houseguest Etiquette: Pitching In
Q I am fortunate to have a large apartment in a popular city, but since I now live alone I find that my friends love to come to visit. As much as I love the company, and I do, when the friend leaves I feel resentful having had to clean up after him or her. I don't mind changing the sheets, but I do mind having to tidy up the bathroom and finding their dirty dishes in the sink when I come home. How can I politely ask my friends to pitch in without embarrassing them---and myself?

A Why not post a list of "rules" for houseguests. You needn't call them rules. On a message board where you collect phone numbers and take-out menus, clearly state a list of expectations for your guests. If that seems too crude, have a calligrapher write out the list, frame it, and hang it in the guest bathroom. You can always say that it was a gift from a previous guest. At any rate, don't make the list too long or picayune. "Tips for the perfect houseguest: tidy up the bedroom and bathroom; leaves sheets and towels in the laundry basket; empty the wastebasket; turn off lights; put dishes and glasses in the dishwasher." If you do this, be sure to leave cleaning products in sight to help the guest remember the house rules. Nowadays, the green-friendly cleaning products are quite attractive and along with a fresh sponge set in a basket on the bathroom floor all are quite user-friendly. Best of all, the job should get done.

Entertaining: Host Wants No Children
Q How do you word "no children" or adults only?

A You might not want to put "no children" on an invitation because you might not want a negative connotation, which might be considered bad vibes, on your invitation. So: use a fill-in invitation and handwrite the names of the people you are inviting. Be sure to have an RSVP so when people call you to tell you they are coming, you can tell them you are not inviting any children. By word of mouth the word will get out that your party is "adults only." You might use an invitation such as this:

Caroline and Charles Dickens
request the please of the company of
(write in the guests name(s) here)
for a cocktail buffet
etc.

RSVP
(your telephone number)

Entertaining: Hostess Etiquette: Houseguest Invitation
Q My husband and I were invited to Jamaica to stay with a recently widowed friend who fashions herself a popular socialite. We had previous plans to stay for five nights at the other end of the island and she insisted that we come and stay with her for "as long as we like," before going home. We talked several times about the number of nights we would be staying with her before booking our airfares which were not refundable. She chose the date and I told her in writing that our tickets were nonrefundable. Just before we were to leave for Jamaica, she said that two other couples would be overlapping our stay and that we would have to leave three days early or go to a hotel. We ended up staying at a hotel nearby for the last two nights. Our hostess never apologized for disinviting us for those last two nights and yet she is always complaining about people who make commitments to her and then break them. I sit there counting to ten wondering if I should remind her of the fact that she did the exact same thing to us. I thought that it was the height of rudeness to invite someone and at the last moment disinvite them knowing the dates of our airline tickets. Would it be really rude of me to bring this up in conversation the next time that she complains to me, or is it best to move on and forget about it? She has invited us to come back next winter.

A This hostess might be wealthy, but she is no lady. Now you know. Next time she invites you because she is lonely, tell her that she has to promise not to kick you out earlier if someone else wants your room. If you say it in an amusing manner, she should get the hint. However, even if she is smart enough to catch on, chances are it won't change her behavior. She sounds spoiled, thoughtless and unkind. I am not sure that you should really consider her your true friend.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift
Q Should you take a hostess gift to a seated dinner party in honor of another couple?

A No, you are under no obligation, whatsoever, to take a hostess gift. However, you do have to send a thank-you note or telephone your hostess the next day to thank her personally. You can send flowers or a book, which you think they might enjoy, but because the hostess is entertaining you, she might prefer to be entertained by you in the future. Socializing is about taking turns entertaining one another. Next time it is your turn.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift
Q What should I bring as a hostess gift?

A It would depend upon the event, how long you are staying, and how many people you are bringing. If you and your husband, say, are going for the weekend, you would arrive with a gift of say, a coffee table book on a favorite subject of the hostess and a couple of bottles of wine. During the course of the weekend, you would invite your hosts out for a meal letting them suggest the restaurant. If you are going just for dinner, you would bring, say, a bottle of wine to be opened at another time, a book, a box of handmade chocolates. But remember that a social bid is best reciprocated with a social bid. It is not about the booty or the hostess gift, it is about returning the invitation. The most important thing is to thank the hostess the next day either by phone or in a handwritten note.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift + Thank-you
Q When giving a hostess gift do you enclude a small card with a thank you for your hospitality and send a thank you note later or just the gift or the gift no card and a thank you note later?

A It would depend upon the extent of the hospitality. For instance, if the hostess is throwing you a birthday party or a shower, you would give a gift, telephone her the next day to say thank-you, and send her a thank-you note. If you are a weekend guest, you might do all of the above or just two. If you are going to her house for a dinner party and are bringing a gift, you might call her the following day to tell her how much you enjoyed the party. If it is a cocktail party, the hostess gift with a small card is enough thanks.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift for Open House
Q Do you take a gift for the hostess at an open house?

A You can take a small gift but you do not have to. You might, however, telephone the hostess the next day to tell her you had a good time and compliment her about the food or music or decor.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift Table
Q Is it all right not to open presents at a party?

A It is your party and you can do what you want to. Designate a place for people to put their gifts when they arrive and that will give them the clue that you are too busy being a good hostess to open gifts just yet.

Entertaining: Hostess Gifts
Q What is the appropriate gift to give someone the first time you visit their home?

A Traditionally, if it is a new home, in New England you would bring a container of very good salt. For instance, a box of Malden salt. The traditional stems from the fact that salt was considered good luck, especially when a pinch is thrown over the shoulder. If the house is not new and it is not a new residence for your host, hand-milled boxed soaps, as are room sprays and candles, artisan jams, cheeses and breads, wine or champagne, a box of fine chocolates, a best selling novel or mystery, CDs, and flowers, are always appreciated. It would depend upon the occasion, how long you are staying, for instance, if you are visiting for the weekend or just stopping by for a cup of tea.

Entertaining: Hostess Gifts to Co-Hosts
Q My daughter is the guest of honor at her high school graduation luncheon. This is being given by her former Sunday school teacher but is being hosted at another's house. Are we required to purchase both hostess gifts?

A In my opinion, your daughter would send flowers to her former Sunday school teacher and also to the person whose house is being used for the luncheon. Send the flowers the day before so they have a chance to acclimate. In the days following the luncheon, your daughter should write thank-you notes to both hosts. As they are co-hosting the luncheon, you would treat them equally. As you know, even though one person is giving the party, presumabaly paying for the luncheon, the owner of the house will incur certain expenses in preparation, as well as clean up.

Entertaining: Hosting a Baby Shower: Asking Guests to Pay and Bring a Present
Q A friend of mine has offered to host a baby shower for me (my first baby) with my input. We are only looking at my closest friends with a total of 12 people, but feel her home is too small with mine being the same. I have found a lovely place to have high tea, but feel the per head cost a bit expensive for myself to cover completely, let alone expect the 'host' to. Is it permissible to state a cost per head? (which would actually be half the actual cost @ $20 pp?) (I would cover the other half for the group - but obviously would not state this as the case). Please help?

A The problem with asking shower guests to pay for their restaurant meal is that you would have to let them off the hook about having to buy you a baby present. The invitation would then say: in lieu of a gift, the tea shower at The Lilac Pot, will cost $20 per person. It would be better to find a second friend with a larger apartment who would let you hold the party there and you pay and your closest friend can pay for the tea and cakes, then you could put your baby registry information on the invitation without a second thought.

Because there are so many showers and parties that are push-for-presents events, guests aren't happy about having to pay for their meal after they've just bought you a gift.

Entertaining: Hosting a Fortieth Birthday Bash for a Divorced Friend
Q My friends and I are debating this issue...

We were somewhat roped into this, but offered to host a 40th birthday party of 30 - 40 guests for a friend at our home, but she declined!

She has since emailed us a list of 50 people and has asked us to ask these people to HOST her birthday party for her. She is looking for a larger venue and thinks it should be about $100 to $150 a couple.

With 50 hosts, my guess is the the guest list will be +200.

We are simply not comfortable asking the friends on her list to host a birthday party for her. This is not an engagement party! Which by the way, many of us gave her years ago and we and other friends offered - she did not solicit us to host!

Unfortunately she is divorced and single so she does not have a husband or boyfriend that could offer to have a large party for her. We feel for her and this is not about the cost, but think at 40 years old, this is impolite and inappropriate behavior.

We feel she should have accepted our gracious offer to host a party for her at our home or paid for an alternative party herself.

What do you think?

Thanks!




A Let me get this straight. Mutual friends were roped into hosting a birthday party for up to 40 guests at your home, but the birthday girl-mutual friend declined because she wants fifty of her closest friends to host a party for her. Does this mean she wants more control over the guest list? Yes. D oes this mean she wants twice as many guests celebrating her birthday? Yes. Just like Leslie Gore, she's telling you, "It's My Party, And I'll Do What I Want to..."

I'm with you, the birthday girl should have graciously accepted your offer to host a party for her; however, your lifestyles differ now that she's divorced and looking for a larger sphere of friends from which to choose a mate. Despite her rudeness, you can't blame her for that. She no longer wants to socialize with just marrieds whom she already knows.

Your lifestyles are headed in different directions. You have your "A list." She's moving on and expanding her "A list" to include more singles. In order to sustain the relationship with her, make some compromises after setting boundaries as to size. After all it is her party and you've already committed to hosting 30-40 guests. However, be crystal clear about letting her know that you aren't interested in hosting a "cattle call." As a compromise for cutting down her numbers, offer to invite single men she doesn't know. You have to give people what they want and a party of married couples isn't what she wants. Since she wants to meet single men, have each of the original mutual friends agree to invite two single men she doesn't already know. That way you are cutting down the numbers, but insuring her that there will be mystery guests.

As I am not up on the particulars, this is a rather simple solution to your complicated dilemma.

Entertaining: Hosting a Housewarming
Q If you have lived in other homes before this one, can you still have a housewarming party for yourself? If so, what should someone bring to the party?

A By all means, any excuse for a party is a good thing. Your gift would depend upon your relationship with the person and how generous you are so I can't tell you what to give them but you could ask them if they are registered on any gift registries, and take it from there. Otherwise, if you go back to my Web site and click on "Frequently Asked Questions," in the navigation bar and scroll down to "Entertaining," there is a long list of "Token Gifts," which are thoughtful, but not expensive. Yes, it would make sense to host a housewarming party in your new house because you want people to see the house.

Entertaining: Hosting a Housewarming
Q Does a person throw themselves their own housewarming party?

A In my opinion, you can host a housewarming party for yourself as long as you take the emphasis off of the push for presents. Focus the party on the camaraderie of your friends and relatives.

Entertaining: Hosting a Pot Luck Pig Roast
Q How do you ask guests to bring a food item to a pig roast, hoping not to get duplicates, in a polite way on an invition?

A The most efficient way might be to stronghold your guests over the phone and hash out a definite commitment to bring such-and-such. Then you might follow up the phone call with a handwritten thank-you note or postcard thanking them for making "potato salad for twenty people." Be specific. Find out what the person enjoys making because if you are asking her to make potato salad and she is on a 1,100 calorie a day diet, she won't be too into potato salad. Don't let people say, I'll get back to you, because that is way too iffy and usually means something negative. Like many others who write to me, I have had too many guests show up not remembering to bring their food item. By the way, be sure your follow-up postcard has the date, time, and quantity, as well as the address and your telephone number(s), in case at the last minute Johnny gets sick and the parents don't want to leave a sick child with a sitter.

Have back-ups like hunks of cheeses and crackers, chips with dips, and lots of plates of cookies. Depending upon how many guests you are planning on serving, try to get more because there will always be "no shows" and those who arrive in time for dessert without their potato salad.

If any of your guests sound doubtful about being able to attend, do not count on their food item.

Before you make your phone calls, ask your best friends what so-and-so cooks best and make that notation next to their name. Then when you are on the phone with her you can suggest so-and-so, or let her offer an alternative.
Ahead of time, plan an "In a Perfect World Pig Roast Menu," and try to fill those slots when your friends suggest their specialty food item. Don't let them say, "Don't worry, I'll bring a salad," and then they arrive with a plate full of commercial brownies. On the card you have thanked them for offering to bring potato salad, so you need to make it clear that you are expecting, even counting on their fabulous, famous potato salad. A little flattery goes a long way in the kitchen.

If some of your guests sounded iffy, or if some are known to be flaky, star those names on your list and telephone them the day before and say: "I know you said you would make potato salad, but silly me, I forgot to write down how many portions you are bringing. Is it twelve or twenty?" That way you can get them to refocus without sounding like a nag.

Entertaining: Hosting an Anniversary Celebration When the Husband Is Deceased
Q My closest friend has invited 20 people (mostly acquaintances) to celebrate what would have been her 35th wedding anniversary (her husband passed away 2 + years ago) and the celebration is at the country club where they got married. I will not be attending because of a prior commitment but I think this "celebration" is inappropriate. At this time I believe it should be a private celebration with immediate family and it strikes me as odd. She has set up a private memorial on the Internet which is lovely and has written a book in his memory called A Family Affair (Pancreatic Cancer) and many other lovely things. This is all about her but I am very uncomfortable with this "celebration" and am glad that I don't have to attend. Am I way off base here with my feelings? Thank you.

A As I say every day, people mourn in their own way, and in their own time. It sounds as though your good friend is mourning her deceased husband by raising awareness to promote a charity that helps fight pancreatic cancer. I have to tell you that a lot of people do this. Instead of building a huge tomb or mausoleum, they support a charity that provides research for the disease that killed their love one. For instance a family will fund a breast cancer awareness charity and them name it after their daughter. Or a mother will start a foundation to research under-age drinking and alcohol abuse in memory of her son who died from a deadly hazing, the Gordie Foundation.

Attaching her sorrow to a charity that fights the cancer that killed her husband, your friend has found a way to mourn him. As I said, we all mourn in our way. You say that it is all about her, but in fact she is keeping awareness about pancreatic cancer in people's minds.

I understand that you feel this is over dramatic, but this kind of mourning apparently is what is helping your friend to cope with her tragic loss. If hosting this awareness celebration helps your friend to deal with her loss, then perhaps it is not such a bad thing.

Continue to be a good friend by supporting the spirit she has to move on. What might seem inappropriate, is apparently cathartic for her.

Entertaining: Hosts Makes Guests Take Off Shoes
Q I want people to take their shoes off when they come to my home, but I also don't want them to be barefoot or in their socks. Can I have them put on booties like they wear in the hospital?

A By making people put on silly booties you are setting a negative tone to their visit. If you don't want people in your home, then entertain in a public place but don't make a big issue out of their shoes and socks; it is downright rude. If you must be a fussy host, find decorative slippers in an ethnic boutique to fill a basket by your front door and suggest that they take off their shoes and wear exotic slippers.

Entertaining: Hours for Brunch
Q What time of day is brunch served?

A Brunch is served between nine o'clock and two o'clock. There is no rule carved in stone. The times that a restaurant serves brunch depend upon the kitchen and the lunch business which is a more expensive menu. In a private home, the preferred time to serve brunch is from eleven o'clock to one o'clock.

Entertaining: House Guest Rules
Q What are the rules for houseguests re: doing their personal laundry before going back to their own homes; helping themselves to food or alcohol; cleaning bathroom (in their bedroom) after staying a week (if there is no prof. cleaning service)

What is appropriate "contribution" if staying a week or more? (ie: gas; gift; dinner treat, etc.)

How should hostess initiate "rules" without being rude?




A The host might suggest that guests leave their laundry in the laundry room or show them how to use the equipment. I'll say, "I am doing laundry, do you have anything you would like to have washed?" The guest would replace any alcohol they consume. Make a trip to the liquor store together and suggest that they replace the gin or whatever it is that they drink. Or you can send him or her to the store with a list of things to buy.

For every night spent as a houseguest, the guests pay for a meal or contributes to the meal by buying the wine, the lobsters, picking up the supermarket bill. Or, the guests would offer to treat at a restaurant for either breakfast, lunch or dinner. If the guests ask to borrow your car, suggest that the car is low on gas and they might want to fill the tank. Often guests will have an expertise and implement an improvement. We had a guest for a week who wired our garden and bought the light fixtures. Another guest, a famous landscape architect, designed our garden.

The guests would smoke outside and not in their room. Good guests entertain themselves for a couple of hours a day. They get out of the house and go off on their own to give the host some space. Guests do not use the phone, computer, or stereo without permission, or invite guests without permission. The best thing to do is to start the visit off with a breakfast talk telling the guests your daily routine and suggesting places that the guests might visit or things they might do on their own. If you communicate from the start, the visit will be pleasant. If there is something of concern to you, for instance, you want to make sure that the shower curtain is positioned so that water does not hit the bathroom floor, then voice your concern. The morning that the guests leave, instruct them how you want them to leave their room. You might say, please, don't make your bed and you can leave the towels you used at the foot of your bed. If you have a cleaning person, then guests would tip him or her five dollars a day for every night spent. I, personally, would not ask guests to clean their own room or bathroom, but I suppose you could ask them, if you instruct them on where to find the cleaning products and how you like it done, but it might be easier to just do it yourself the way you want it done.

Entertaining: House Guest: Dirty Sheets
Q Every summer we are invited to our good friends' beachfront house for the weekend. In return, they visit us in our country house in the fall, so it has become a ritual. The big difference is that all summer long their guest rooms are filled and I inevitably find pubic hairs on the sheets our first night. Also, it being summer, I am awake most of the night repulsed by the scent of the house guest(s) who slept in the bed before us. I've thought of bringing our own sheets, but, if by chance, my friend checked our room during the day while we were out and discovered that we had brought our own clean sheets, she would be insulted. Aside from bringing sleeping bags and hiding them under the bed during the day, how can I communicate to my good friend that clean sheets are important to us?

A Arrive with the a large bottle of water protruding from your tote bag and casually take a sip of it in front of your hostess before taking your bags to your room. Then just before dinner find her to tell her that silly you spilled some of your bottled water on the bed and ask if you could you please take dry sheets from the linen closet and make-up the bed yourself? She won't inspect the bed, but she will try to accommodate you with fresh sheets, if there are any. If there aren't any, then throw the sheets in the washing machine yourself and hope that she won't ask you why you didn't just put them in the dryer. By then it will be too late because they will be splashing around in sudsy water.

Entertaining: House Guest: Germs
Q A guest in my house visited a hospital patient, returned to my home, did not wash her hands and used them to take ice cubes from the tray for her drink. I am squeamish about dirty hands. Can I ask her to wash her hands before handling the ice?

A Firstly, the ice cubes that she popped out of the ice tray for her drink were sterilized because they would have had to have been frozen.

Secondly, if she's reasonably alert, she took advantage of the hand-cleansing dispensers that are everywhere in hospitals these days; it would have been hard for her to not have taken advantage of them. Therefore, you should cut your friend some slack because she cannot be all that stupid, if she didn't take advantage of them.

If you're not sure about this, use an antibacterial agent on a clean cloth and wipe all of your phones, doorknobs, faucets, and kitchen handles, whatever in your house that you think that she might have touched. Ice cube trays are not really a hazard because if the temperature freezes the water for the ice, the germs have been zapped.

Entertaining: House Guest: Setting Boundaries + Communicating Expectations
Q A relative asked if she could stay at my house for a week while her parent was in the hospital and subsequently moved to a nursing home. I assumed she would be at the hospital most of the day, and did not plan to prepare meals (I live alone and have an erratic schedule). It turned out visiting hours were limited and she was at my house during all three meals. Was I rude not to invite her to eat meals for a week? Had I known the visiting hours, I would have told her she's welcome to a bedroom and bathroom but I would not be responsible for her meals. She seems to be pouting about this. Was I wrong?


A Whenever one has a houseguest, whatever the reason, it is important to establish boundaries from the get-go. Tell her to help herself to breakfast: then add that because your busy schedule is so erratic, she needs to plan on having lunch and dinner on her own.

Entertaining: House Guests Etiquette: Hosts Inviting Guests
Q We love to visit our friends in the mountains in the fall and they seem to enjoy coming to us at the seashore in the summer. Sometimes it is awkward when they want to come for a busy weekend where we already have plans, but we'll go out of our way to ask the host if our guests can be accommodated, too. Usually they say yes and then we go out of our way to thank the host by reciprocating at another time. When we were in the mountains last fall, these friends went off to a cocktail party given by mutual friends and we waited in the rain for them to return because our hosts hadn't gone to the trouble of getting us invited to the cocktail party, too. Now we have a holiday summer weekend coming up and have been invited to a seated dinner dance. In the past, I would have gone out of my way to see that our house guests, who are known to the hostess, be invited too, but I do not feel that I need to go out of my way, after all they will be with us for several days. How do I let our house guests know that we will be running off for a dinner dance without them? Or is that too terribly rude? Please tell us how to handle this.

A Forewarn your friends which evening you will be out and say that they are welcome to invite someone over for the evening. Say that you didn't think that they would mind your accepting this dinner dance, since they had gone off to a cocktail party on their own when you visited them in the mountains. Reminding them gently and saying that you are obviously good enough friends to understand that they could make do on their own for an evening is the best way to deal with this.

Entertaining: House Guests: Refusing Gifts
Q I've been lucky, I have a fabulous country house and lots of friends who love to come for weekends. My husband and I love these house parties because we like to have company. The problem is that in this economic downturn, we know that many of our friends can no longer afford to bring us the luxury gifts that they feel that they have to bring as a house present. We are extremely well off, we don't need more champagne or handmade chocolates. How do I tell them, without being patronizing, that we love their presence, but we don't need their presents.

A The way to discourage guests from bringing presents without seeming patronizing, is to make it crystal-clear that during this economic downturn you've instituted a house rule that guests are not to bring gifts. No house presents. Then say, "So, if you do bring a gift after I've told the others about the new rule, they will feel awful having not brought a gift and we wouldn't want that, would we?" Then, if you like, you can encourage a guest to make himself useful and feel appreciated. For instance, you can ask a master gardener her opinion on one of your gardens, a decorator (or just someone whose taste you admire) his opinion on what colors to paint certain rooms. Even if it is just accompanying your husband while he runs an errand, taking a walk with you early in the morning, playing backgammon with your son, or