Entertaining: 25th Anniversary
Q My husband and I are having a 25th anniversary party at a local restaurant. How to word the invitation so guests know it is a "dutch treat" event, since we cannot afford to pay for everyone's meal?

A Technically, you would not be giving the party because you want people to pay their own way. Unfortunately, misunderstanding, resentment and bitterness often come into play when you invite "guests" to pay for their own meal. In the invitation, you would tell them exactly how much they need to bring per person and per couple for their meal and drinks, including the gratuity and tax. Also, you will need to print "No gifts please" at the bottom of the invitation because if you are asking your friends to pay for their own food and drinks, they cannot be expected to buy you a 25th anniversary present, too. Insert your own information and center the lines on the card:

Amanda and John Winslow
invite you to a Dutch Treat Dinner
to help them celebrate
their 25th Anniversary
Wednesday, August 25th
seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000
$50 Dinner with drinks, tax and tip
No gifts please

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary Contribution
Q How do you word in an invitation (25th Wedding Anniversary Party) given by friends to please contribute for a special gift to be presented at the party?

A First you might want to get your host and hostess list together. Telephone or email ten couples and ask if they would like to host the party saying that in lieu of a present, everyone will contribute towards a special gift. Before you make the calls, you need to decide if you will be also collecting for the cost of the party because if you are, you are not going to be able to ask them to contribute too much for the gift, if they are helping to pay for the party. Have a couple of dates in mind so that when you make those calls you can get the rest of the hosts to agree on a date. Then you need to budget the party: how much for expenses, how much for the special gift. You will also need to decide as treasurer not only how much you have to collect but when people have to have their money into you. Once you have your hosts' list, the date and time, the total amount people will be asked to contribute, then you can send out your invitation. At the top of the invite, list the names of the hosts, then under that say "request your presence/ at the 25th Wedding Anniversary/ of Jane and John Doe." Center all the lines in the center of the page with the date and time, and then location towards the bottom. At the very bottom, put your RSVP, email and phone number.

Entertaining: 45th Anniversary Plan
Q We are having a sit-down full course dinner for my sister & brother-in-law's 45th wedding anniversary and I want to know if they should be seated with the rest of their family or at a table by themselves? Thank you very much.

A Traditionally, honorees are either seated at a dais table side by side with the hosts on the other side or at round tables of eight, ten or twelve. I am not a big fan of the dais table because the honored guests don't really get to circulate. If you have a dance floor, you would have the honorees at the best table, the one center to the dance floor and band. Whether you have a dance floor or not, they should be seated where they are easily accessible to all the guests, not jammed into a tight corner. The oldest and/or best friends of your sister and her husband would sit beside them. Seat them next to whomever has come the farthest distance, whom they have known the longest. I am not a big fan of seating honorees with families unless they are family members whom they do not see often or who are quite elderly. You might even ask the honorees who they would like to be seated with. You and your husband might have your own tables, spreading yourselves out to the second tier of close friends and family. Try to intersperse family with friends. Have place cards for the honorees table and at least have table number cards for the other guests, who can seat themselves once they have found their assigned table. It is important to have toasts, so if you invite some of their bridal party to the anniversary, you might ask the best man or matron of honor to give toasts mentioning the wedding. If there is no music, then the toasts will be the only entertainment, so you will need to arrange the toasts ahead of time, once everyone has made their RSVP. The first would be the welcoming toast from either the host or the best man. The rest of the toasts would be made during dessert.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary for 50 Dutch Treat
Q When hosting a 50th Wedding Aniversary, is it ok to have the guests pay for their own meals? We are inviting 50 people and cannot afford to pay to feed them all.

A If you decide to host yourselves a Dutch Treat 50th anniversary party for fifty people, you will need to remember three things: you will have to make an arrangement with the restaurant and get a set price that includes the cost of the meal, drinks, tax and tip; when you send out your invitation you will have to state Dutch Treat Dinner $50 (insert your own cost) with drinks, tax, + tip, and don't forget to include your RSVP telephone number. Then when people RSVP by telephone, you will need to tell them that you are not accepting presents because they are paying for the cost of their own dinner.

It is important that you establish the price ahead of time because a lot of people at that age are on tight budgets; you will, also, have to let them know when they RSVP when and how you need to be reimbursed because the restaurant cannot handle and process 50 different bills and 50 different credit cards. Be prepared for the fact that many restaurants will ask for a specific percentage of the bill for the tip, or there might be a surcharge. If you work all these details out well ahead of time, you might be able to make a good deal with the manager for a prix fixe dinner at a set cost.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Gift
Q My family and I are invited to our aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary celebration . On the invitation it said our presence was wanted but not gifts. So do we go empty handed or bring a gift? I don't want to be the only one to show up with a gift or without a gift. Thanks!

A By the 50th anniversary most people are getting rid of "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff." Honor your aunt and uncle's wishes and don't bring a gift. If you wish to send them flowers which will die and can be thrown away, then do so. All that is required is a handwritten, heartfelt note and perhaps a lovely, or hilariously funny, 50th anniversary card. At their age, they are more interested in contact, connecting with family and old friends, then they are in acquiring new things that they will have to get rid of.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Informal Invite
Q How would you word an informal 50th anniversary invitation?

A An informal 50th anniversary invitation might read:
Mary Louise and Andrew Whittaker
cordially invite you
to a cocktail buffet
in celebration of their fiftieth wedding annniversary
Thursday, June 21, 2006
6 to 9 P.M.
at home
806 Bellevue Avenue
RSVP
000-000-0000

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary party
Q This is not information I need to get here, but do you have a page or two on do's and don't for 50th wedding anniversarys? My 3 brothers and sister and I have picked a restaurant. I ordered favors and we agreed on a menu. What other information/necessities should we be aware of? The event is on 9/16/06.
Thank you again. Please answer if it's already printed out.

A Your parents would not open presents in front of their guests because many people think it is a big bore to have to watch grownups opening gifts. Party favors would either be at their place when they sat down, if it is a seated dinner with place cards, or at the door when they leave. Ahead of time, make a list of guests who might be particularly good at giving toasts, telephoning them a couple of weeks before the party so that they have time to prepare. The eldest sibling, though not necessarily, would give the welcoming toast to guests and your parents at the start of the meal and he would take on the role of toast master. During the cocktail time he would check-in with those on his list to be sure that they are prepared and he might say, for instance, "Hank, yours will be the third toast during dessert." The rest of the toasts would begin during dessert with the toast master announcing each of the people who are toasting with a short description of their relationship to your parents. The toasts might be chronological going from the siblings to their oldest to not so oldest friends. For instance, if you could get their best man to give the first toast at dessert, you would be linking the wedding to the anniversary. Be sure to instruct the people making toasts, both on the phone and during the cocktail time, to "Please limit your toast to three minutes." It would be really fun to try to have some of the same music that played during their wedding reception at the anniversary dinner; for instance, the first tune they danced to as husband and wife. You might, also, want to recreate their wedding cake and use the same wedding colors for the flowers and decorations. If you have photographs of the wedding, you might display them in the area used at cocktail time. It is important to end the party on a high note. If there is no band to dance to after the toasts have ended, one of the siblings or your father might want to end the evening with a farewell toast that might start out, "Thank you all so much for coming. Mandy and I are touched that so many of you came from so far to be with us this evening. Mandy and I want to thank our children Amanda, Samuel, and Henry for organizing such a splendid event. Now, after I kiss my wife, Mandy and I will say goodnight and thanks to you all." Guests are not supposed to leave before the guests of honor, so your parents would be the first to leave signaling that the party is over. Timing the ending of a party is one of the most important elements to creating a successful party.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Etiquette
Q Is a gift expected at a formal 50th wedding anniversary celebration?

A 50th anniversaries are more about the camaraderie than collecting gifts. By this time in life most people are in the getting rid of "stuff" stage. A funny card, a handwritten thank-you note, or a return invitation is all that is expected. The invitation is all about personal contact. It is a social bid best answered with a social bid.

Entertaining: 50th Wedding Anniversary Gift
Q Are you suppose to take gifts to a 50th wedding anniversary party? Should gifts be expected?

A No, gifts are not expected at a 50th anniversary party. At that stage of life most people are getting rid of their "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff" that they will have to get rid of; plus they get stuck with having to write a thank-you note for a present they didn't want in the first place. People at this age would rather receive a thank-you phone call, email, or a humorous greeting card with a couple of personal sentences. They are less interested in things and more interested in contact. An invitation is a social bid; it might be better to reciprocate with an invitation rather than burden the couple with more "stuff."

Entertaining: 60th Anniversary Cake
Q My in-laws are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. What is the proper cake decorating? Thank you.

A Ask your mother-in-law if she remembers her wedding cake and go from there. If she doesn't, ask her what her favorite flavors and colors are and use those. If she remembers what flowers were in her bridal bouquet, use those flowers as decorations.

Entertaining: A Small Dinner
Q I only want to invite my close friends to my birthday dinner. How do I go about wording this on my invitation?

A If you call the event a "small dinner", then everyone invited will feel special because you have chosen him or her out of your pool of your friends. Insert your own information and center the lines on the page:

Charles Dickens
requests the pleasure of your company
at a small dinner
on Friday the 30th of March
at eight o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP 000-000-0000

Entertaining: Acceptable Arriving Late Time
Q We are having an etiquette arguement....Is it ever ok to be late to something as small as a bbq when the hostess has specified a time to be there? I feel specified times means exactly what it was intended, not whenever you want to arive.


A Traditionally, you should not be more than 15 minutes late. However, often when you know that there will be a long cocktail hour and you don't want to drink too much because you have to drive home, you might arrive closer to the dinner hour. So if the bbq is at six, you might arrive at 6:45, if they are eating at seven. Arriving any later than that is rude because it is not fair to keep the host and other guests waiting for their dinner. If for instance you have a cocktail party to attend first, you would telephone the host to ask what time he anticipates serving dinner because you have to stop off somewhere else briefly first but you do not want to hold up the dinner. That way you can gauge arriving at the bbq at least 15 minutes before the food is served; the host knows that you are on your way and haven't forgotten his invitation to his bbq.

Entertaining: Addressing Informal Invitation Man or Woman First
Q When addressing informal invitation should man or woman's name come first?

A In addressing the envelope for an informal invitation, you would put Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens. If you do not want to use Mr. and Mrs.(you don't have to), you might put Caroline and Charles Dickens. I am a big fan of putting the woman first.

Entertaining: Addressing Invite to Couple + Child
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?



A Depends upon the invitation. If it is a formal invitation, for instance to a wedding, on the inside envelope underneath where the parents' name is written, you would write the name of the child minus the last name. If it is a family invitation to a cookout, let's say, the child's name might go on the outside envelope under the parents' name, if the host's children's names are on the invitation, too.

Entertaining: Addressing Minor Children on Invitation
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?

Thanks

A If it is a formal wedding announcement that has an inside envelope, the child's first name would be written underneath the parents' name on the inside envelope. If the invitation is for a family party where the children's names also appear on the invitation, then the child's name might appear on the outside envelope.

Entertaining: Adults Only Baby Shower
Q I have a huge problem!! I am having a baby shower and my guest list is running close to 60 guest. I don't want to have children in attendance because the shower is going to be held in a ballroom of an upscale hotel. A lot of my guests have children, some even have up to six kids!!! I don't want to be rude, but I want to know if it is okay for me to indicate on the invite that this function is for adults only. What is the proper way to say that without offending any of my guests? Please help, this is really bothering me!! I think that this is stressing me out more than the thought of giving birth!!!

Thanks in Advance
Kellie's Mommie
Memphis,TN

A I understand your concern, because it is considered bad manners to say anything negative on an invitation. For instance you might not say "No Children"; however, you might say, "Adults Only" in the lower left hand corner underneath your RSVP telephone number or/and email address. Then when the women RSVP, you can remind them that there won't be any children at the shower. You will need to be consistent because there are always a few mothers who will insist that "their" baby will sleep quietly in the carrier; however, you cannot make exceptions. Through word of mouth, the guests will get the word that it is an Adults Only party. Set your boundary and stick to it. Be consistent. If they give you any flack, say, "This shower is all about Amanda and her baby."

Entertaining: After-Dinner Drinks
Q My wife and I debate whether we need to serve after-dinner drinks at dinner parties. I say you have to pair after-dinner drinks with the dinner. She says nobody does that anymore and we should just offer them a cognac or port. What's the present etiquette?

A No longer are there rules for serving after-dinner drinks. Entertaining at home has gotten much more relaxed and rarely will you be at a dinner where the after-dinner drinks are paired with what you just ate. No longer do hosts serve dinner guests scotch or port after a dinner of beef, whiskey and cognac after chicken and pork, and whiskey following seafood. Guests are more apt to opt for a chocolate martini in a 6 ounce glass with a straight stem. Personally, I offer guests port and cognac with their after-dinner coffee. However, if you did go to the trouble of serving an haute cuisine meal pairing each course with a different wine, it would make sense to be consistent and do the same with the after dinner drink. On the other hand, if you've just served them meat loaf, chicken chili, curry or lasagne, you would then continue to offer beer or wine because liquers would seem pretentious. However, if it is someone's birthday, I will serve champagne with dessert no matter what I served for dinner.

Entertaining: Announcement Mailing Schedule
Q When should announcements be mailed?

A It would depend what is being announced and the date of what is being announced. For instance, a Saturday date would need more lead time. If you would like to return to my Web site and give me some more information about what you are announcing, I would be happy to give you a proper answer. A very general answer would be one month.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Answering the Door Who Speaks First
Q When someone comes to your door, who is the first to greet, the person answering the door or the person that rang the doorbell?

A It depends upon the situation. If a lad rings your bell to ask if you would pay him to shovel your side walk, he might speak first. If you are expecting guests for dinner, you might open the door with a "Welcome, so glad you could make it, come in."

Entertaining: Applying Makeup While Dining
Q I am dating a woman that takes out her compact to apply blush or lipstick on one or more occasions during dinner in a restaurant. Is this proper etiquette while dining in a restaurant or should she excuse herself to do this in the women's restroom?

A Your woman friend should not tend to her makeup or hair at the dinner table. She should excuse herself from the table to reapply her makeup. The exception would be when a woman discreetly reapplies lipstick that has come off during the meal. However, in applying the lipstick she would not use a mirror and she would not use several different products on her lips one after the other, say, two colors of lipstick and then gloss. A colored gloss or one lipstick discreetly applied at the table after dining is fine. Etiquette is all about compromise; perhaps she can learn to be more discreet and excuse herself. How to make her change her habit? If it really annoys you, tell her that you are not used to dining with women who reapply their makeup at the dinner table, would she mind terribly excusing herself to go to the ladies' room? If the request is made in a jovial fashion, she might comply but since it is a habit, you might have to remind her again and again until she realizes that nobody wants to watch her reapplying her makeup; if she wants to please you, she will compromise.

Entertaining: Are Gifts Expected at Retirement Party
Q Are you suppose to bring gifts to a retirement party?


A No, you are not required to bring a present to a retirement party; however, you may feel like an old curmudgeon if you are the only one who shows up without a gift. You might want to send a card to the retiree to wish him well. Alternatively, books are an interesting and inexpensive gift, if you need a good gift.

Entertaining: Asking Guest to Remove Shoes
Q Is it proper to ask guests to remove their shoes when entering a home? What about an office party at someone's house?

A More and more you will find that guests are asked to remove their shoes either because there is light colored carpeting or softwood floors. I used to think it was silly, but now I am not so sure. A guest wearing very pointed high heels came for Thanksgiving and the next day we noticed indentations all around where she was seated before dinner and during dinner of her heel marks in our softwood floors. It will take a lot of sanding to smooth down those indentations. I have a 19th century house and 21st century spiked heals are no longer welcome. If you do have people take off their shoes, you might have a basket of colorful Chinese slippers beside the front door so that guests can trade their shoes for slides or slippers. I have even heard of hosts supplying surgical booties for guests to tie on over their shoes.

Entertaining: Asking Guests to Take Off Shoes
Q Is it improper or impolite to ask guests to your house to remove their shoes upon entering?

A Yes, they are your guests. If you are really that fussy, you might find surgical booties in a medical supply store that you can ask guests to put on over their shoes, however, they may be dangerous over high heels. Alternatively, have a basket of chic ethnic slippers beside the front door and ask people to slip on a pair.

Entertaining: Asking People at the Last Moment to Self-Pay for Restaurant Dinner
Q I am having a dinner party at a restaurant for about 30 people after my college graduation. Should I or my parents pick up the tab or can everyone pay individually? Is it rude to have my guests pick up the tab?

A If you have invited people to join you for dinner at a restaurant, they are not expecting to pay for their meal so it would be awkward to have them presented with a check at the end of the evening because they may not be able to cover their share. Also, if you have already invited these people, they might have already gotten you a gift and you cannot expect them to pay for their dinner if they bought you a gift. If you cannot afford to pay for the dinner, then you need to tell the guests ahead of time that the dinner is "Dutch Treat" or "self-pay" and not to bring you a gift, that "In lieu of a gift, would you please pay for your own food and drinks." It is unfair to catch people off guard and embarrass them.

Entertaining: Aunt Hosts Shower for Niece
Q Can an aunt give a baby shower for her niece?

A By all means, I am sure your niece would greatly appreciate it if you would host a baby shower for her.

Entertaining: Baby Boomer Couple Wants Two Parties
Q If I threw my husband a surprise birthday party this Novemeber. Is it rude for him to throw me one in June? We want to celebrate the milestone we have both reached. I would like for my friends to party and have a good time. If he throws a party can he say no gifts please?

A Why not celebrate with one really nice birthday party since you would be inviting most of the same people to both parties? If you have your heart set on two parties, I admire your spirit. The rule is that you don't write "No Gifts" or "no" anything on an invitation because the negative words on invitations give off a negative vibe. People who can afford to bring presents will, others might rather write a thank-you note or send a birthday card. Through word of mouth to your friends you can spread the information that you do not want presents, but keep it off the invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower
Q My oldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild this spring. There are HUGE, extended families on both sides and also many, many, friends. The guest list is well over 100 people. My question is this, should we split the list and have two separate showers, say friends, and then relatives, or just have one big party and not worry about it? Money isn't as much of an issue as space and time management. I can't imagine having enough food and drink for everyone to sit and watch the gifts being opened!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

A How fortunate to have such a fun problem. If it were my family, and my daughter were having a baby in the spring, I would have a huge picnic outside and invite everyone. The food could be partially catered and you could hire college students for bartenders. With so many people, you would open presents, but you would designate a table on which people would place their gift upon arrival and the parents can open the gifts later.

Entertaining: Baby Shower + Babies
Q How can I properly address the issue of no children allowed at a baby shower?

A At the bottom of the baby shower invitation, under the RSVP, write: A sitter will be on hand to mind children under the age of two. Or you can plan the shower for a time when husbands would be more available to stay with their children. By putting mention of children under the RSVP, you will best be able to calculate how many children will be on hand.

Entertaining: Baby Shower After the Birth
Q Can you have a baby shower when the baby will be 8 months old and family and friends have already given when the baby was born?

A It would be better to wait until the baby has his or her first birthday and celebrate that with family and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Before or After Birth
Q Is it appropriate to throw baby shower before or after baby is born?

A You might do either, before or after.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Combined With Birthday
Q I am throwing a couples baby shower for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. We are also celebrating her 40th birthday, upon her request. So my invitation reads...
Scott and Ria have a baby on the way and Ria will celebrate a 40th bday. I think you are supposed to always put the woman first, but because she is mentioned twice, I wanted to make him feel special, too. Do you think the wording is proper for a baby shower?

A What a lovely idea. You composed the invitation perfectly. However, by word of mouth you might want to get the information out that only one present is expected. Because it is also your sister-in-law's birthday, you don't want people thinking that they have to buy her a birthday present as well as buy a present for the baby.

If I were you, I would not mention the 40th birthday on the invitation but I might have a huge birthday cake for your sister-in-law. That way the emphasis is on presents the expectant parents need for their baby. You have to remember that the more gifts you ask guests to provide in order to attend a party, the more watered down the gifts. So: you need to decide if it is better for them to receive one really nice baby gift or two token gifts, one for her 40th birthday and one for the baby. Not to worry about the dad feeling neglected because you can honor him by asking him to give the first toast. Be sure to ask him ahead of time so that he is prepared to make the first toast.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette
Q I'm planning on having a 'giving tree' at my baby shower instead of registering at a bunch of stores; how should I phrase this on the invitation?

A I am terribly sorry but I am not a huge fan of using baby showers to solicit money. Part of the activity and fun for many of the guests is the opening and passing around of the baby's gifts. To take that pleasure away from the guests doesn't leave them with much of a baby-oriented shower. If you are really that desperate for cash and do not need fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys for your baby, then you can put at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Guest List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A Only people the mother really likes and is comfortable with are invited to the baby shower. Do not invite people just because they are related or might find out and be hurt. The baby shower is all about the baby and pleasing the baby's mother. Traditionally, the mother's close women friends and family are invited to the baby shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Lunch
Q Is it appopriate to include on a baby shower invitation that "luncheon will be served" as it will be a 1:00 pm shower time?

A If the shower time is from one o'clock to three o'clock, one would assume that you are serving lunch. If you want to be sure that guests know that they are being fed lunch, then you would call the shower a Baby Shower Luncheon in honor of .....

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Push Presents
Q Is it proper etiquette NOT to have a baby shower if you have a second child of the same gender that will be three years apart? I've never heard of someone NOT having a shower whether it be a second, third or fourth child regardless if they are of the same gender of not, however, was advised otherwise. Please advise.

A All babies deserve fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys. Sadly, baby gifts, nowadays called push presents, have gotten an unfair wrap. Showers are, also, a great way for young mothers to stay connected, network, and find support.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Dad
Q What is proper etiquette for throwing a baby shower for a co-worker who is the dad? Do you invite the mom?

A Since the mom is carrying the baby for nine months, it might be appropriate to invite her. Even if this is a baby shower for the dad and only his co-workers are invited, the mom might like to feel connected to the people who have been generous in contributing gifts for the baby. However, the mom should not be pressured to attend. Personally, I would telephone the mom to tell her the plan and enlist her help. Also, you might want to ask her if she has registered for baby gifts, so that the baby's parents receive the things that they really need for their newborn.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Second Baby
Q My sister-in-law is having her second child within a 2 year period; should we host a second baby shower for her?

A No doubt she will appreciate a baby shower for her second baby because she will want fresh blankets and baby clothes.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Game Gifts
Q I am giving a baby shower. The gifts for the winners of the baby shower games, should they be baby gifts so they can be given to the mom or gifts for the person who wins?

A I am sorry but I am not familiar with baby shower games. I do know that often there will be party favors for the guests to take home: for instance, a cookie decorated with the baby's name. The baby shower is about the baby and the mother, not about impressing the guests.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Gifts When Baby Doesn't Make It
Q What do we do with baby shower gifts if the babies did not make it?

A Since the couple got pregnant once, it is likely that they will eventually have a baby. Save the presents and keep trying.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Host
Q My niece is pregnant, who throws the baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for the new baby by hosting a shower---but nowadays anything goes. If you or your niece's mother want to give her a shower, you certainly can; however, it might be better if you focus on camaraderie of friends and family and not put too much emphasis on the gift giving. Sometimes a friend of the baby's mother or a cousin will host the baby shower and the aunt or the baby's mother will pitch in behind the scene in order to assure the success.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation
Q I am giving a baby shower for my daughter-in-law along with her mother at her mother's house. We are both sharing equal expense and work as far as decorations and food goes. I also have a couple of close friends, one of them the godmother, who are buying things and helping with making favors....exactly who should be listed on the invitation as "given by" without hurting anyone's feelings?
Thank you


A It might be nice to list the godmother on the invitation as a hostess, too; however, if you offered a toast to her praising the things she bought and the favors she made, that should suffice. It would really depend on what you and your daughter- in-law decide is fair. If she is responsible for a third of the labor and cost, she might be offended if she was not listed; however, if not, acknowledgment for her work would be fine.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q My daughter-in-law just gave a baby shower to another of my daughters-in-law - I am not giving another baby shower to the same person - should I invite the daughter-in-law that has already given a baby shower to my baby shower?

A Yes, do invite your daughter-in-law to the baby shower; she will surely appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q There will be two baby showers given for my daughter-in-law. One before by her sister and mother and one after, given by the husbands aunts. Should anyone besides the mothers/sisters of the couple be invited to both?

A The baby shower is in honor of your daughter-in-law so you need to communicate with her to ask her to give you a list starting with her most favorite people. Then when you figure out how many people you can afford to host, invite from the top of her list down.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A The parents of the baby might be asked to put together a list of their relatives and friends who they would like to have asked to the baby shower. You might give them a number to work with according to the space where you are holding the shower. If the shower is just for women, the mother of the baby would draw up her list from her closest women relatives and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation Plus Announcements
Q My sister is expecting her first baby. She is having a baby shower, but not inviting a ton of people. Is it ok to send an annoucement of where they are registered without an invite to the shower?

A In my opinion, the smaller the shower the better. It is fine to send out announcements but you would do so after the baby is born because you are announcing the baby's name, weight, height, and date of birth on the announcement. She can organize the announcement ahead of time and be ready to have it printed when she has that information. She would also include a photo of the baby and her return address on the envelope so that people can send her a gift or card. In my opinion, including registry information is really tacky. By word of mouth, you can get the word out where your sister is registered. If all of her friends are listing their registries, go ahead and do so, but I am not a huge fan.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invite Etiquette
Q My daughter who lives in Massachusetts is having a baby. A friend in Massachusetts is having a baby shower for her. I live in Iowa. We understand it is proper etiquette to invite the Mom's of the expectant couple to the baby shower even though they would not be attending because of traveling a great distance. But what about a sister-in-law that lives in Iowa. Should she also be invited or is it considered poor taste and does it appear to be looking for only a gift? This sister-in-law did help host a shower earlier for relatives in Iowa. Thanks for your assistance.


A Maybe the bride does not want to send the faraway sister-in-law an invitation because she does not want to seem as if she is fishing for a baby gift. Why don't you pick up the phone and talk to your daughter about the situation? I am sure she would appreciate your input. It may have never crossed your daughter's mind and certainly not the hostess of the shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Registry
Q Is it appropriate for me, as a Mom-to-be, to request that guests to my baby shower contribute to my registry rather than bring actual gifts? If so, how should this be worded on the invitation? Thank you.

A Personally, I am a big fan of "the word-of-mouth" in delicate situations such as this. If you tell two good friends where you are registered, they will tell at least two people and they in turn will tell at least two people. Nowadays, the hostess might state at the bottom of the invitation to your shower: Susan is registered at such-and-such.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Return Address
Q I've been helping to plan my baby shower since my mom and my husband's niece are hosting the shower. They don't know each other as well, so I am the go-between. I have probably been doing too much, but I don't mind. We are also having the shower at my house since it is the biggest and we won't have to transport the presents afterwards.

My question is: My husband's niece wants to put my address as the return address on the invitations. I feel this makes it seem like I am giving the shower for myself since we are already having it at our house. Will people think it's tacky that my address is the return address? What is the proper etiquette?


A It does not matter if the return address is your address because the invitations are being sent to your friends and the party is at your house. My concern is who is handling the RSVPs because the RSVP should either be to your mother's telephone or email or your niece's. Both of their names should be on the invitation so they get full credit for hosting the party for you. Why not have the return address be your mother's address?

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Gift Certificate Instead of Baby Registry
Q We are expecting our first baby this fall and a few friends are hosting a baby shower for around 50 friends. How do we ask for gift certificates to baby stores instead of signing up for a baby registery?

A If the parents have not filled out a baby registry anywhere, then the guests will not be able to access a baby registry. Through word of mouth, you can get the word out that gift certificates to baby stores are the parents' preference. The RSVP should be directed to one of the hosts and that person would put the word out. Because you haven't registered, when the person calls to accept the invitation they will ask if there is a baby registry. The friend will respond by saying no there isn't and then she will explain to the guest that you are not registered anywhere but a gift certificate to any baby store would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hosted by Out-Of-Town Sister-In-Law
Q My sister-in law -s having her first baby and nobody near her is throwing her a shower. I feel bad and want to do something, but I live out-of-state. I figured I could drive the few hours and have one for her, but I would have to do so in a restaurant. I can't afford to pay for everyone, so how should I word the invitation. Should I even throw the shower?

A Telephone your sister-in-law and really chat her up; ask her about her support group of friends who are either also pregnant; who is her best friend at work; who just had a baby. Then tell your sister-in-law that you really, really want to host a shower for her but since you don't live nearby, could she suggest one of her friends who might be up to co-hosting a shower in her house. Then call that person, introduce yourself, and tell her that you would like her to host the shower with you. The reason that you need to enlist your sister-in-law's help is because she will know who has the space, the time, and the goodwill to co-host. She might have a friend who would love to give her a shower, but just doesn't want to do it alone. Most showers are hosted by more than one person because it is far more fun and there is less pressure since the responsibilities are shared. The friend that you call might know of someone else that would like to also co-host. It is so nice of you to want to do this for your sister-in-law and I want you to work this out; your heart is in the right place. In my opinion, showers in restaurants are usually not as much fun as those in a private house or apartment. You want your sister-in-law to be relaxed, to put her feet up, and have fun with her friends; that's hard to do in a restaurant situation. You won't know until you start calling around that perhaps a couple of her friends would like to be on the host list. That way the responsibilities can be divided between the friends; as you all work as a team, that team becomes the team that inevitably steps in and pitches in to support your sister-in-law when she brings her new baby home. That's really what you are doing here; brilliant of you. It is not just about the shower, it is about creating the support group that she might need from time to time. What a great sister-in-law you are!

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess
Q Should a mother-in-law give a daughter-in-law a baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family, but if you wish to give a shower, mothers-in-law give them all the time but make sure that you only invite people who are on her guest list. Don't add names to her guest list without consulting her first. The guest list is at the discretion of the baby's mother.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess Gift
Q Is it necessary to give the host of a baby shower a gift and if so, what type of gift is appropriate?

A It depends upon who you are in relation to the situation. If you are a guest, you would only give a gift to the mother for the baby and then send the hostess a thank-you note. If you are the mother-to-be, then you might give your hostess a plant for her garden, a gift certificate at her local book store, or send flowers for the shower followed up with a handwritten thank-you note.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invitation: Not Inviting Children
Q We are throwing a baby shower for a freind who is expecting twins and on the invitation we are asking that no one brings their children. We want to use a clever way to say this on the invites so no one has hurt feelings about their children being unwelcome.
Thanks so much,
Tina



A You're right to want to be upbeat on an invitation, but when you have to set boundaries, it is a delicate situation. Your intentions are good, you want the shower to be all about the new mother. There are a couple ways that you can do this without having the bad vibe "No Children" spelled out on the invitation. Make sure that you schedule the shower at a convenient time for guests with small children. Why not ask several of those mothers who might bring a child to the shower, if not instructed not to, "What day and time would work for you in terms of being able to attend without little Harry, because we want to make it easy for you to have a good time"? Say that there won't be anything for children at the party, so you are not inviting kids. Then once you've figured out the best time, through word of mouth and an invitation, get the word out. When guests call or email you to RSVP, respond accordingly: "I just need to remind you that we're not inviting kids, because we won't be having anything for them in terms of food or entertainment (and my apartment isn't childproofed)." Then you say, "You wouldn't want Harry to be the only kid at a grown-up party."

Additionally, you could design an invitation that says:

Please come and join us
for Laura's last grown-up time
at a Baby Shower for twins
Sunday, October 29th
at six o'clock

RSVP Alice Ross #000-000-1234

You will find that if you schedule the shower at lunchtime (when kids are in school) or at cocktail time (when moms are more apt to have help at home), your guests will be happy to have a bit of grown-up time with friends. Then once you've made it a grown-up party, be sure to have wine on hand for moms who are not pregnant. For stay-at-home moms, mornings might be better; if most of the guests work, weekends will be better.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invtitation: Out of Town Guests
Q Do you invite out of state guests to a baby shower?

A If you know that the out of town guests most likely will not be able to attend the baby shower, but you still want to include the person, you would send a birth announcement with a photo of the newborn. The birth announcement would have the name, date of birth, and weight of the baby, along with the parents' names and sometimes even the names of any siblings. Most people who receive birth announcements will send a baby present. However, do not include on the announcement any reference to a baby registry.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Out-Of-Town Guests
Q Is it proper to invite people to a shower that you know will not be able to attend due to distance?

A To people who live at a distance whom you know will not be able to attend, the mother would send a birth announcement after the baby is born with the name, weight and date of birthday, along with a photo of the newborn. The mother's name and return address are in the upper right hand corner of the envelope, if the recipient wishes to send a baby present.

Entertaining: Baby Showers
Q Is it proper for a young lady to host a baby shower for her sister? The mother-to-be lives out-of-state, and her sister would like to host a shower where she lives for the mother-to-be's relatives and friends.

A I am sorry, but you are not going to like my answer because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. It would be better to have one of the friends give the shower, and the sister can help subsidize the shower and supply the guest list. In a situation such as this, you would either wait until the sister and her baby visit and have the shower then, or the sister would send birth announcements with a photo of her baby enclosed to those at home. It wasn't crystal-clear to me whether the mother-to- be would be attending the shower, which is why I have given you the alternative solutions.

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Second + Third
Q Hi Didi. Is it proper to have a baby shower for 2nd or 3rd babies? I wasn't sure if you should just hold a baby shower for the first born or a second if they have one. Thank you.

A All babies deserve fresh linens and clothing. The problem is not in whether a shower can be given for a second and third baby, but who hosts the shower. Customarily, close family does not solicit gifts for the baby. So, it is best to have a close friend or, say, a cousin, host the baby shower whether it is in honor of baby number one, two, or three. Be sure that the baby shower focuses in on the camaraderie of the event as opposed to the "booty."

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Thank-You Notes
Q Sending thank-you notes for a baby shower, is it necessary?

A If you were a guest at the baby shower, you do not need to send a thank-you note to the hostess who hosted the baby shower; however, you might telephone her to tell her that you enjoyed yourself and you did a lovely job hosting the shower. If you are the mother and the shower was in your honor, you would send handwritten thank-you notes to the hostess and to all those who gave gifts for your baby.

Entertaining: Baptism Guests
Q Who should you invite to a baptisim, everybody you know or just a few close relatives?

A A baptism is a deeply religious yet joyous occasion to celebrate your baby with close friends and relatives. Traditionally, you would invite the godparents and their spouses for lunch afterwards, along with the child's guardian and any close friends. You would probably feel the most comfortable inviting anyone who was especially kind and caring to you during your pregnancy and who showed a particular interest in the child. You probably would not call up someone on the phone out of the blue and say, "Hey, I just had a baby would you like to come to the baptism?" because it might sound as if you were soliciting for a gift. If you had a baby shower, you would invite the hostess and guests who attended the shower.

Entertaining: Bar + Bat Mitzvah Present Cost
Q Our son will most likely be invited to 30 or so bar and bat mitzvahs within the next year. What would an appropriate amount of money be for kids we don't know? Good friends? Best friends? If we're invited as well as our son?

A Customarily, the gift might consist of a gift certificate in the amount of one hundred dollars to a clothing or music store. Figure such celebrations cost the parents one hundred dollars, at least, per guest. So: for each guest there might be a hundred dollar gift certificate. If you would rather give one gift as a family, a savings bond in the child's name is also an acceptable gift; just remember to order the savings bond well ahead of time. If you cannot afford to spend this much, you don't have to. Parents understand that when there are so many bar and bat mitzvahs that the expense to the guest families is huge, so spend only what you feel you can afford.

Entertaining: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Etiquette
Q What is good etiquette for a non-Jewish guest at a bar mitzvah?

A Your host and hostess will be tuned into the fact that some of their guests are not Jewish and you will be instructed accordingly. Watch what other people are doing and follow the lead of the host and hostess. Be sure to send the teenager a present that costs approximately the value of what the host and hostess spend on each guest. So: if you think your seated dinner cost $150., then your gift or gift certificate might reflect that cost.

It is important to attend the deeply religious ceremony at the temple because the child has been studying his lessons for months and memorized his recitation. If a man does not have a yarmulka, he will be offered a skullcap to wear when entering the synagogue. After the ceremony often the congregation meets to congratulate the new member before going on to a seated luncheon or formal dinner. So, be prepared for a service that might last up to three hours, but under no circumstances can a guest bypass the ceremony and just attend the reception. The formal dinner might be quite dressy, so dress accordingly; however, you would want to have your arms properly covered while you are in the temple.

Entertaining: Bar Mitvahs Are Not a Booty Call
Q My sister had a bar mitvah for her son. One of the guests gave a gift on behalf of her family, which included a married son and a 25 year old son who is a lawyer. All recieved their own invitations to the event. We did not think this was appropriate. What are you thoughts? Should my sister have said anything? How should this be handled in the future?

A Appreciate and accept all gifts gratefully and gracefully. People do the best they can and when they receive a social bid to attend a bar mitzvah, they respond to the best of their ability. Bar mitzvahs are a religious celebration, not a booty call. You ladies should be ashamed of yourselves, think of the petty example you are setting for your children. Let it go.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Etiquette: Reciprocation
Q My son is friends with a few kids who have invited our entire family to their Bar Mitzvah party. We are not social friends. Are we obligated to invite the families to our son's Bar Mitzvah?

Do we need to invite people we carpool with but do not otherwise socialize with?

Thank you.

A If your kids attend their Bar Mitzvah party, then you would reciprocate by inviting those same kids to your son's Bar Mitzvah. But not to worry, you don't have to invite the kids' parents. You can, but you don't have to invite them. However, you do have to invite the kids.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Invitation When Parents Are Divorced
Q Our divorced son is planning a Bar Mitzvah for his son. Our son is paying for the entire affair. Our son has joint custody of his children but his ex-wife is not sharing in the expense of the affair. How does he word the invitation?

A If the mother was estranged from her son and your son had custody of his son, then your son's ex-wife's would not have to appear on the invitation. However, if the boy's mother has joint custody and therefore is a part of her son's life, then both parents' names would appear on the invitation but not necessarily on the same line. So: the first line of the invitation would have the mother's given name, maiden name, and last name, preceded by Mrs.

Mrs. Amanda Ross Asher
Mr. Richard Levine Asher
request the honour of your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah of their son

Entertaining: Bartender at Home Party and Tips
Q At a home cocktail party, is it permissable for the bartender to have a tip cup?

A No, if you have hired the bartender, you are paying him by the hour and he would not be allowed to solicit tips.

Entertaining: Bat Mitzvah Guest Wants Date
Q I am having a Bat Mitzvah for my daughter. I have limited space for the evening affair. I have invited family, friends and my daughter's friends. I invited about 10 single guests, some with dates and some not. Those whom I have invited with dates are engaged, have a serious relationship or dating someone. One of my girlfriends who has been separated for about 2 months is very upset I did not invite her with a date. She is not divorced as of yet and has not started dating. I explained to her that I have limited space and, if I invited dates with all the single people who are not in relationships, I would have to take someone off my list whom I want to be there and whom I care about, in order for her to bring a stranger I do not know. She told me that she is hurt, that I should read an etiquette book and that if I was a good friend, I would care about her happiness at the party. I replied that if she was a friend, she would realize that this party is not about her and she should come how she is invited and be there to enjoy this special celebration in my life. Am I wrong?

A You need to remind your friend that the Bat Mitzvah is about your daughter and that it is not a matchmaking social situation. Tell her that as soon as her lawyer gives her the go ahead and she can be seen dating in public, you will set her up with a date. Don't let her bully you.

Entertaining: BBQ Barbecue Pot Luck or Present
Q If invited to a birthday BBQ and host asks you to bring a side dish...is this proper? My sister-in-law says it's rude. I was always taught if a meal is being served, do not go empty handed. Which is correct?

A You are both right. It depends upon the situation. It is better to entertain and ask people to help out then to never entertain at all because you cannot afford to do so, or you do not have the time to do all the work yourself. When asking people to contribute to the meal, the host needs to communicate with the guest to get a feel for what they are willing to contribute. For instance if so-and-so makes fabulous potato salad or deviled eggs, ask her to bring enough for a certain amount of people. If you do not have a suggestion, then give the guest an option of bringing cookies from a bakery or a bottle of wine. In theory, if you are inviting people to a birthday party and asking them to bring food, you cannot expect the guest to bring both food and a present. So, if you bring food, you do not need also to bring a birthday gift because the food is your gift. However, if you opt not to bring food, you might want to bring a birthday present. So: do not go empty handed. Perhaps you might communicate with the host and say, "I have a special birthday present in mind for you, would you rather I bring a side dish or the special present?"

Entertaining: Birthday for Ninety-Year-Old Mom
Q I am planning a 90th birthday celebration for my Mom. She is in alot of organizations. I have narrowed it down to her remiaing high school classmates, her local college alumnae group, her sorority, her former students from the small rural high school where she taught, her church members and close friends and community people that have impacted on her when I am visiting her at home. This is getting expensive. Do I have to invite the spouses of members of the sorority and college alumnae group since these are all female organizations? I am aware that a formal invitation (such as a wedding) would require that the spouses be invited. Does it hold true for informal situations?
Treda

A Whether or not you invite the spouses or partners, largely depends upon the venue of the party and the nature of your mother's acquaintances. For instance, if it is a tea party, you could make it a ladies' tea, then some of the ladies who are used to being driven by their husbands can carpool. If it is an evening party, you might find that most of the older people will want to bring an escort, or driver, and that most of the younger people will want to bring their spouse, partner or date. If you really want to control the numbers, you might have a ladies' lunch with an RSVP. On the envelope you would write just the name of the person whom you are inviting; for instance, Mrs. John Smith. That way Mrs. Smith will know that she is invited but her husband is not. The other route is to make it an old-fashioned garden party with a bar and tea sandwiches, cookies and other finger food set out on a table. That way people will "stop by to show their face (or to show their respect)," with or without their spouse. Remember that if you have an RSVP, and you only address the envelope to one spouse, you are making it crystal-clear that just that person is invited. By word of mouth, the word will get out that, for instance, it is a Ladies Garden Party, tea or luncheon. If the invitation is for a "Cocktail buffet," it is more than likely that the person will want their spouse to accompany him or her. Since I don't know your mum or the location and time of the party, I would recommend that you hold it in the afternoon. Most older people tend to "sundown" around three o'clock, meaning that by six, they are basically too tired and are really only interested in having dinner and going to bed. A lot of older people also have trouble driving after dark. If your mother was active in her church, why not have a simple buffet luncheon after church, that way most of the guests are dressed appropriately and are out and about anyway.

Entertaining: Birthday Gift for Fifty-Year-Old Woman
Q What do you give someone (her) for a surprise 50th Birthday? This person is not a close friend but is a friend of the family.

A Most people at that age are getting rid of "stuff." Why not give her a small box of lovely, handcrafted chocolates. Artisan chocolates are usually packaged chicly, so you will not have to bother to wrap the box. No more than fifteen pieces. Another nice gift is a box of handmade soaps. If you know her taste in music, a CD; or what she likes to read, a book.

Entertaining: Birthday Gifts for Triplets
Q I have five-year-old triplet boys who are wanting to have a party for their sixth birthday to which they can invite their friends. Until now their parties have included only family. They are in separate classes and don't have all the same friends; however, I didn't want to send out separate invitations for each child because if one doesn't get the same number of gifts as the other(s), there will definitely be hurt feelings. I know they have to learn that things aren't always fair and equal but I'd rather it be at another time. All three of them do not always get invited to the same parties and they deal with it ok but I don't think this would be the same. My question concerns the gifts. I would prefer that gifts be limited to one gift for all three of the boys. I would like for guests to spend only what they would for a single gift and then put all three of the boys names on the gift. I know that having all three of the boys' names on the invitation will make people think they should bring three separate gifts, even if their child doesn't know but one of them.

Is it inappropriate to put all three names on all the invitations and note on the invitation that three individual gifts are not necessary? Also, how can this be worded so they don't feel they need to buy one expensive gift? I don't want to alienate the families of any of the boys' friends. I know from my baby shower experiences that some people get upset at the idea of giving three gifts. I wanted the invitations to my baby showers to note that three gifts were not necessary; however, the people hosting the parties didn't want to do that. Remarks were made about the number of items on gift registries and I was accused of expecting too much. Feelings were hurt and friends were lost. My boys have to go to school with the other children so I don't want to risk getting their feelings hurt.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Carol Odom
codom@insightbb.com

A All three names should be on the invitations. You might include a sentence such as this on the invitation: Less is more for Bill, Jake, and Max, who will be happy with just one gift to share between the three of them.

Entertaining: Birthday Party at a Restuarant Who Pays
Q When invited to a birthday party at a resturant, who should pay for dinner?

A The person who does the inviting pays for the guests. The exception would be if the person is "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" birthday party, as opposed to "giving" a birthday party.

Entertaining: Birthday Present Eitquette
Q When should you open presents at a birthday dinner?

A It would depend upon the age of the birthday person and the total venue of the party. It would be far too stimulating to open gifts at a todlder's birthday party, because the guests might have a hard time letting go of the gifts they gave. I am not a huge fan or opening any kind of gifts at a party. The older the guests, the less interested they tend to be in sitting around watching the birthday person pretend that he likes the gift. Put the gifts away and save them to open until after the guests have gone home. Also, it makes those who have not brought a present uncomfortable to sit through such a scene, and don't forget: it is the host's job to make sure that all of his or her guests are comfortable. If the opening of the presents is the only event you have going for you at the party, then open them after the cake has been served.

Entertaining: Black Linen Napkins
Q Dined at a restaurant last weekend. Hostess asked if we would prefer black napkins instead of the white that were on the table. Both me and my husband were wearing black that evening. Why did they ask if we prefer black napkins?

A When not high quality linen and new, white napkins shed. I've found a black skirt covered with white lint several times at the end of a meal. It sounds as if the restaurant has had several complaints about their new napkins from people wearing black and are giving diners the option of a black napkin.

Entertaining: Black Tie Invite
Q How do you specify to guests that a wedding is a formal or black tie occasion?

A At the bottom of your invitation, across from the RSVP in the right-hand corner, you would have the words: Black Tie

Entertaining: Blackballing Son's Father at Birthday Party
Q I don't want to invite my son's father to his birthday party as most of the guests do not care for him, nor do I. How do I handle this?

A First, you have to decide if your son's birthday party is about you, or if it is about your son's birthday. Don't make the son's birthday a metaphor. Birthdays, weddings, milestones are a time to mend breaches within the family. Take advantages of this milestone, be a good mother role model and go up the ladder. Good manners and etiquette are all about consideration and compassion. As the role model here, you need to decide how to help people communicate, even if it is for just one special day: your son's birthday.

Entertaining: Booty at Baptism
Q I will be baptising my two sons soon. Although they are both being baptised on the same day and we are having one celebration party, how do I go about telling people that when giving gifts to please give each child a gift separately? ( I would rather them each get a card/gift instead of a combined gift)

A One does not ask for a gift for a baptism. It is a deeply religious ceremony and it is not about the booty. If you wish to send out an invitation, you would include both boys' names on two separate lines. Your guests will get the cue that there are two sons being baptized by the wording on your invitation. After the church ceremony, the family traditionally invites people back to the house and treats them to lunch for kindly attending the baptism. Don't forget, during the ceremony your guests will be expected to put money in the plate for the baptism. A baptism is not a birthday party.

Entertaining: Boy Meets Girl's Dad Over Dinner
Q I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time this evening. They are flying into New York for the weekend and will be dining with us twice. Who is expected to pick up the tab for dinner? I'm not being cheap!! I will gladly buy dinner both nights!! I just don't want to insult anybody or break form. Please help!! I like this girl.. want to make a good impression! ps dinner is in 10 hours!

A Go up the ladder. Be generous; however, if he looks and talks as if he (the dad) is rich, paying for a dinner may not be big a deal. He is checking you out, so: you offer. If he puts his credit card out, being the elder, you accept gratefully. Don't take his generosity for granted. The truly gentlemanly thing to do might be to excuse yourself to the men's room and ask to pay the check leaving your card with the waiter. That's style. But don't do it twice because it might be perceived as tacky. If you are having two meals, you might pay for one discreetly, like the gentleman that you are. Since he is older and can afford the trip, let him pay for the second meal or vice versa.

Entertaining: Bread + Butter Plate
Q When setting a dinner table, which side of your place setting should the 'bread' plate be situated?

A The bread and butter plate is placed in the upper left hand corner of your place setting. If you have butter knives, place one on each plate.

Entertaining: Bringing Food
Q When asking a person to "bring a dessert" to a social gathering, is it proper to tell them specifically what dessert to bring, as in "you bring cannolis"?

A Except, what if they don't like cannolis or they don't know where to buy them? Why not ask your guests what there favorite dessert is and then ask them to bring it. If they say coconut cake, and another guest is already bringing one, then say as much and ask for a second choice.

Entertaining: Bringing Food to Catered Event
Q When attending a catered event, is it improper to bring outside food?

A I would have to know more about the circumstances to give you the answer you need. It would depend upon whether or not the other guests were bringing food. If the host has hired a caterer, the food and drinks are organized and all you need to do is show-up. If it is a birthday or shower, you might bring a present, but find out first. The problem with bringing food if you have not been asked to do so, is that you would be stepping on the caterers, so to speak. The host doesn't want sixteen salads and ten pasta dishes but no beef, so the host is in control. The next day you might telephone the host to thank him or send a handwritten note. I would say bringing food to a catered event is improper.

Entertaining: Bringing Present for the Boss
Q We are attending a wedding anniversary this weekend for my boyfriend's boss. I believe it is their 50th. Do we bring a gift, a card or what is the proper thing to do?

A Yes, you might take a best selling novel or mystery as a gift and a funny card. Because your host is the boyfriend's boss, you wouldn't want to buy anything extravagant because it might seem as if he was buttering up the boss. The important thing is not the present, which really is not necessary, but the thank-you notes you both write the next day.

Entertaining: Brunch
Q I am to host a "bruch" for our book club at my home and wasn't sure exactly what time bruch is supposed to start. I am also at a loss for what to serve to eat or drink...help me!

A Do you mean you are hosting a "brunch"? Brunches last about two hours and are held anytime between ten o'clock in the morning and one in the afternoon. You would serve coffee, juice, and pastries or donuts from your local bakery. If you wanted to get out the nice plates and silverware, you could serve quiche and a green salad followed by cookies and fruit salad. If your guests are expecting drinks, you would make up a pitcher of Bloody Marys or serve a chilled rose or white wine, for instance a Chardonnay is always popular.

Entertaining: Buffet: Place Cards or Not
Q Should you use place cards for seating when you are serving buffet outdoors?

A It would depend upon the formality of the buffet. For instance, if you have tables set with cloths, utensils, glasses, napkins, and waiters in attendance, you might want to assign tables and/or seats with place cards; that way people will find their seat, leave their shawl and evening bag at their place before helping themselves at the buffet. Otherwise, when you have an informal buffet, people are more apt just to sit in the nearest empty seat because nobody likes wondering around looking for their place card while balancing plate, utensils, napkin and glass. If there are a lot of people over sixty years of age, a considerate host might assign older guests a seat at a table near the buffet.
So, the short answer is this: if you have a congenial group of guests under seventy, you might not need place cards. However, if you have older people, it would be better to reserve seats for them by the buffet by assigning all seats with place cards.

Entertaining: Butter Knife Etiquette
Q Type your question here...
When and how do you use a butter knife as opposed to a table knife and is it proper to leave a table knife on the butter plate for multiple uses?

A The butter knife stays on the butter plate. You would not use the butter knife for anything other than buttering your bread, roll or toast. You would not, for instance, use your butter knife as a pusher to load your fork with food on your dinner plate. Nor would you use your butter knife to cut, say, a piece of sole or to shorten the length of your pasta. They call it a butter knife because it is just used for butter.

Entertaining: Butter Knives
Q When eating at a fine restaurant and each person has his own butter knife, what is the right way to butter a roll...I have always thought you only pick up the butter with the butter knife and then use your main knife to spread the butter???

A You pick up the butter knife from the butter plate and return it to the butter plate after buttering your roll. Remember to break off a piece of your roll and put the rest of the roll back on the butter plate before buttering the piece of roll you are preparing to eat. You would only use the meat knife to butter your roll, if there were no butter knife.

Entertaining: Buying Tables+ Who Pays
Q When "Buying" a table for a function, are the people invited to sit with you expected to purchase tickets also?

A When you are invited to sit with someone who has bought a table, it is a social bid. You would reciprocate by inviting that person to something, anything at another time. You would, however, send a thank-you note, or at the very least, telephone the next day to thank the person for including you. If, on the other hand, the person is "organizing" the buying of a table for a function, then that person would tell you the cost of the ticket, so that you can pay for your own ticket(s). That person might have said, "Do you want to go in on a table for such-and-such?" or, "I am organizing a table for such-and-such, would you and your husband like to sit with us?"

Entertaining: BYOB Baby Shower
Q I'm hosting a couples evening baby shower. We're planning on inviting approximately 10 couples. I'm planning on providing appetizers, soft drinks, etc. Would it be rude to ask guests to bring an alcoholic beverage of their choice?

A Yes, it might be rude to ask guests to bring their own alcoholic beverage. The only trouble with thinking that you've asked guests to BYOB is what do you do when people forget to bring an alcoholic beverage, ask for a drink, and you have nothing to serve them because everyone is hoarding their own bottle? When you host a shower, you are inviting people to bring a present for the baby. In return, the generous guest who has brought the requisite gift, should not also be asked to bring their own booze. If they are required to bring their own booze, then the gift for the baby might be "watered down." Perhaps, if you cannot afford to buy wine and beer for the guests, you might ask one of the other couples or one of the baby's godparents to host the party with you and you divvy up the expenses. Alternatively, you might make a hugely delicious rum punch, then by word-of-mouth you might tell guests when they RSVP that you are serving rum punch but they are welcome to bring whatever they want to drink. The purpose of the baby shower is to help the parents prepare for their new baby in a realaxed and fun manner.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for an RSVP
Q What is appropriate action for a host to take, if he/she hasn't received a rsvp to an invitation by the deadline date and a specific number is required at facility of the event?

A My dear, you have every right to call the person on the phone to ask if they received your invitation. Just say that you have to give the caterer a specific count for the menu and leave it at that. You are totally in your rights here, so do not hesitate to get your count.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for Head Count
Q In a catered affair, charge per head, is it inappropriate to call them and ask if they are coming or not to get a head count? Many times people do not call to let you know and then they show up.

A By all means, you have a perfect right to call and ask who is coming because you will need to tell the restaurant, caterer, or private club an exact count. If you approximate and less people show up, you will have to pay for the dinner of the no-shows. People know this, so don't be emabarrased to call your guests. Naughty them for not calling you first.

Entertaining: Can Granny Give Baby Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the grandmother to give a baby shower for her daughter-in-law an soon to be grandbaby?

A I am sure your daughter-in-law would greatly appreciate your generosity in giving her a baby shower. It is totally appropriate for you to be the hostess: she is extraordinarily fortunate to have your support.

Entertaining: Can I Charge for a Wine Tasting?
Q Is it bad etiquette to charge people to come to a home wine tasting party?

A No, it would not be bad etiquette, but you would have to make it perfectly clear that you are "charging admission" to the wine tasting. You also might sweeten the deal by saying that you will be serving food with the wine. You will also have to decide if they need to pay in advance, or if you will be accepting money at the door.

Entertaining: Candles
Q Should candles be lit during the day? I read somewhere that candles should only be used during the evening, yet I see candles in use during luncheons and receptions in the day time.

A It depends upon the situation. Candles can add a certain amount of festivity to light up the occasion. Most restaurant and clubs do not use candles during the day; however, if it is a festive occasion and they are part of the decor, especially in a darkish room with horrid overhead lights, why not?

Entertaining: Cards + Dinner
Q When at a dinner party, is it considered bad manners for someone to break away with a few others for a card game?

A If in the invitation it was made clear that there would be cards after dinner, then it is not rude. If at dinner it is a majority decision to play cards after dinner, it is not rude.
If some guests just randomly go off and play cards, that is incredibly rude.

Entertaining: Cash as Housewarming Gift
Q What is the proper wording to use to ask guest for a monetarium as a housewarming gift?

A At the bottom of the invitation to your housewarming party, you would print: In lieu of gifts, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Cash Bar
Q Is a cash bar appropriate; does this mean guests pay for soda as well as liquor? Should guests be informed before the reception there will be a cash bar?

A The problems with having a cash bar are twofold: you cannot expect people to bring a gift when you are asking them to pay for their own drinks. If you do have a cash bar, then you need to make it clear to your guests that they will have to come prepared to pay for all beverages they consume. Is a cash bar appropriate? It depends, for instance if you are holding a fundraiser, then a cash bar helps to raise more money for the charity. However if you are hosting a wedding reception, anniversary, or birthday celebration, you cannot expect people to bring gifts and also ask them to pay for their drinks so: you will need in say something like this on the invitation: In lieu of a gift, there will be a cash bar.

Entertaining: Cash Bar Birthday
Q Is it inappropriate to have a cash bar at a 40th birthday party? Heavy appetizers will be provided at no cost to the guests.

A Yes, it is all right to host a cash bar at a birthday party; however, you will need to state "cash bar" on the invitation so your guests will come prepared to pay for their own drinks. Also, if you are making it a cash bar party, you cannot expect guests to bring a birthday present as well as pay for their drinks.

Entertaining: Cash for Housewarming Gift
Q For a housewarming party, my cousin wants to know how to ask her guests for a monetary gift instead of actually receiving a gift. She just bought a house, has everything for her new home. She would like her friends and family to help her with the mortgage for the first month; whatever they were going to spend on a gift, that they just make it a monetary gift. Please advise.

A If your cousin is sending out invitations, she can put these words at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check towards our mortgage would be greatly appreciated. That way when people are stuffing checks in her pocket, she will know by the name on the check whom to thank and for how much.

Entertaining: Catching the Server's Attention
Q Is it polite to wave one's hand in a restaurant to obtain the waiter or waitress' attention? My daughter, who is now an engineer but was a waitress while in college, states that it is customary to wait until the waitress comes to your table because she is so busy with all her duties. If it is polite to signal the waiter or waitress during the meal, how should this be done? When dining with my mom and dad, Kristyn cringes because my dad snaps his fingers and calls out "Miss?" Thank you for your response in advance.

A It is customary to try to get the attention of the server by making eye contact. The person who has the best visibility towards the servers' area might be designated to make the contact if the host is facing away. If eye contact does not work, raising a hand is appropriate. It that does not work, as the server passes, you might say, "Excuse me, could be please bring the check." Snapping fingers is not nice. Alternatively, it might be better for him to go to the men's room and speak to the waiter on his way out or on his way back to the table.

Entertaining: Celebrating 50th Anniversary
Q We are giving our parents a 50th wedding anniversary party. On the favors and napkins do we put the date of the marriage or the date of the 50th anniversary?

A Often for 50th anniversaries the original wedding colors, music, and even the theme of the cake are reproduced. Bridal party members are invited and there are photographs of the wedding, as well as more recent photos of family events. On the favors and napkins, you would either use what was on the wedding favors and napkins originally, which might have been their monogram, or the date. You can even put, say, May 10, 1940-2010. Or 5/10/40-5/10/10. To answer your specific question, if you are reproducing the wedding theme as much as possible, you would put the date of the wedding. If you were integrating more recent themes, say, golfing or sailing, you might use the date of the anniversary, but you would have to state anniversary as in May, 10, 2010, and then on the next line 50th Anniversary.

Entertaining: Celebrating Baby's Christening
Q Where is it most common to celebrate after a baby's christening, the parents' home, a restaurant or a hall?

A It is always preferable to go back to a private home after the christening because the children in tow might be over-stimulated and need to be feed or laid down for a nap, or both. It is customary to invite the godparents and their spouses and children, as well as close relatives and friends for lunch or tea, depending on the time of day. If the children are older, a familiar restaurant might be a festive way to celebrate over a relaxed lunch. If you have a parent who might like to host such a celebration, all the better. Often something as elegant and simple as inviting people back for a glass of champagne and sugar coated almonds is a tradition that says enough. As favors, you might give everyone a small bag of the pastel colored almonds tied with a ribbon. Almond blossoms are a pretty pink and almond hulls are a wonderful green, so you might use those colors for the fabric on the bag and the tied bows. Almonds are actually an edible seed, which of course symbolizes birth. If you do want to have a more formal celebration, it is traditional to have the parents cut a white cake, symbolic of their wedding cake, decorated with the baby's initials. The godparents would then give a champagne toast to the baby followed by other toasts from family and friends.

Entertaining: Champagne Glass Etiquette
Q I never know whether to hold a champagne glass by the stem or the bowl. How do they hold a champagne glass in Newport?

A If you want to ensure that champagne stays chilled while you're drinking it, hold the glass or flute by the stem; the heat from your hand on the bowl of the glass will warm it up. Champagne should be chilled to 45 degrees Fahrenheit before being served.

Entertaining: Charger + Salad Plate + Dinner Plate
Q When setting a formal table and placing the salad plate on top of the dinner plate - do you then eat your salad on top of the dinner plate or does the hostess remove the dinner plate.

A Actually, the salad plate is not set on top of the dinner plate. The large plate (as you call it) underneath is called a "charger." The salad plate would be chilled and the dinner plate would be quite warm. The charger might stay on the table as a coaster for the hot plate, or be removed with the first course.

Entertaining: Charger Etiquette
Q Is is ever proper to leave the chargers on the table when having a formal dinner party at home?

A You would leave the chargers on the table through the first course and take them off when the dinner plate is placed. The reason for this is because during the meat course, the cutting of the meat often causes the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a rather noisy formal dinner plate. The charger is not a placemat. It is to hold, say, a hot bowl of soup or a cold plate of oysters. Is it ever proper? Perhaps, at a luncheon when the entree is cheese souffle and knives are not needed.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When are chargers removed from the table?

A Chargers or service plates, as these oversized plates are also called, can either be at your place when you are seated or brought before the first course. The first course and then the second course plate is then placed on top of the charger. They usually remain on the table for the first two courses; however, it is at the discretion of the hostess. For instance, if the charger is made of pewter or silver and cutting meat on the porcelain plate causes the porcelain to shift around on the metal, the charger might be taken away before that course. The purpose of the charger is to protect the hot plate from marring the dining table through the tablecloth.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When setting a table, what is the purpose of a "charger" plate and where would it be put? Thank you for your help.

A The charger is a large porcelain plate twelve inches in diameter which sits on top of the placemat and under the dinner plate. Traditionally, it is at your place setting when you sit down and stays on the table until the dinner plate is taken away, but situations may vary. For instance, in a restaurant the charger might be taken away with the first course. In the past, chargers made of pewter, silver or gold were often left on the table throughout the meal as a placemat when chargers were used as coasters for plates. People who serve hot dinner plates like using chargers because they act as a buffer between the hot dinner plate and the dinner table saving the table from being scorched by the hot plate. Nowadays, contemporary chargers might be square, rectangular, triangular or oval-shaped and made of ceramic.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q How are "chargers" at dinner used properly? Do you remove them before your guests eat?

A Chargers are the focus of the place setting when the guests are seated. Either the napkin or the first course plate is on the charger or served shortly after the guests are seated. The charger is cleared when the entree arrives because the noise from the clanking of the plate against the charger while cutting meat can be rather noisy at a dinner party.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q What is the proper procedure for using charger plates for a semi-formal dinner?

A Chargers are on the table when the guests are seated. The first course plate is placed on top of the charger either before or after guests are seated. The charger is removed when the entree is served. You would not put the dinner plate on top of the charger because, when the guest cuts his meat, the friction from the cutting can cause the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a very noisy dinner table. Chargers are not placemats. The purpose of the charger is to help to keep either the cold plate of the cold first course cold or the hot plate of the first course hot.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q I'm planning a prom dinner for my son and seven guests. What is the proper way to use a charger? Is it removed after the salad is served and just the dinner plate placed in its place? Thank you. Louise

A Yes, with one hand you remove the salad plate and the charger, with the other hand you place the dinner down in front of the guest.

Entertaining: Charity Etiquette
Q We are having a scholarship ball for our university and in the past we've always had an open bar. This year, there will be a cash bar following the cocktail hour. What is the proper way to word this in our invitation? Do we note open bar during the cocktail hour and assume guests will know it's a cash bar during the dinner and dancing, or do we indicate on the invite when the open bar takes place and when the cash bar start?

What's the proper wording for an invitation?

Thanks.

A Sorry, but the situation is not clear to me. If you are charging guests to attend the ball, you cannot also expect them to pay cash for their drinks. It would be better to raise the price of the ticket and include all drinks. People get annoyed when they think that they have paid for their evening then all of a sudden they have to spend twenty bucks for a couple of drinks. If you are trying to raise money for scholarships, then you want to promote the good feeling of being generous. You want to give your ticket buyers their money's worth so that they will want to support the scholarship next year. Don't fleece them on the small stuff, if you're looking for big donations.

Entertaining: Cheese with Salad or Fruit
Q Is a cheese/fruit course served before or after dessert?

A Cheeses are served along with either the salad, after the main course, or accompanying fruit following the dessert course. Used as a digestive, an assortment of three cheeses in a variety of textures and flavors is served immediately after the salad or fruit has been presented. So, when the dessert plates are cleared, the fruit is served followed by the cheeses.

Entertaining: Children as Hosts for Parents
Q Is it proper for your children to have a no host dinner at a restaurant for your 25th anniversary?

A Unless the children intend to act as collective hosts, it would seem to me proper to have someone be named to host the toasts. It is nice to think that the children are thinking about their parents. Without knowing more of the specifics, I can't say much more.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Parties
Q I will celebrate my son's 4th birthday soon. I'd like to know if it ts ok not to open the presents during the party. I would prefer to do it afterwards. Are there certain etiquette rules I should follow?



A In my opinion, you would not do the opening of the gifts during the party. You would save them for later. After such a stimulating time, the child will crash from the excitement. Take time bringing the gifts out for him to unwrap but do not use them as a ploys. Remember they are his and they have already been given to him. Make him take part in making a list of who gave him what so that he can send thank-yous to his friends. Be sure that he discusses each gift and tells you why he likes it. Let him pick out his thank-you notes and make his mark or sign his name on the card. His name on the return address will tell the parent that your son sent the thank-you note to their child. Remember at the start of the party, when the guests begin arriving, to remind your son that his friends have picked out special gifts just for him so that he needs to thank each guest for their gift. There are a whole lot of other reasons why you wouldn't have the gift opening an activity at the party. Firstly, most kids (and grownups) don't really get a kick out of watching other people open presents; a problem can arise if there are two presents that are the same; if a present is not great, one of the other guests might comment on it; you do not want the gift giving to be a competition; you do not want a child to feel bad because his gift did not stack up to the other gifts. Your son should try to greet his friends when they arrive and he should try to be around to say good-bye to each and every one of them when they leave. Children's birthday parties are a window or opportunity to teach children about being gracious and generous, being a giver, when he passes out the party bags, as well as being on the receiving end. It is also an opportunity to teach kids about being a host and the importance of making each and every guest feel special even though it is your son's birthday. It goes without saying that four-year-olds know the rules about no biting, no hitting, no kicking, no pushing or shoving, no spitting, and, of course, inside voices inside, outside voice outside.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Party Etiquette: Invitation List
Q My son is in first grade and is having a birthday party. He doesn't want to invite all the boys in his class but I told him he should. Isn't it unfair to leave some boys out? Please help!!!

A Try to make your son see it from the other side, if he were the boy who wasn't invited how he would feel? Say to him, "What if Tommy (a popular boy your son likes) had a birthday party and invited all the boys but you, how would you feel?" If he doesn't want to invite a boy who used to be his friend you say, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." And then ask him to tell you what that means. If on the other hand, the boys he doesn't want to invite are bullies, then maybe he shouldn't invited them. Why not go over each of the boys whom he does not want to invite one by one asking him why he doesn't think that the boy will fit into the group. Your son might have valid reasons for not inviting some of the boys and when you listen carefully to all that he is saying about each of these boys, you might come to understand why he doesn't want them to attend. Perhaps, they are too rough and he is afraid that if they get out of control, you won't be able to handle them. Perhaps, they use dirty words of which you would not approve. Be an active listener. You could teach him to compromise by, say, not inviting the bully, but he then has to give a very good reason why he does not want to invite the boy that lives in your neighborhood, with whom he will eventually be walking with to the bus stop or school. It is only unfair to leave a boy out if your son accepted an invitation to the boy's birthday party, because then your son owes him an invitation. Ask your son to put himself in the shoes of the boy who is being left out by saying, "How do you think Jack will feel when the other boys talk about how much fun they had at your birthday. Don't you think that Jack will wonder why you didn't invite him? If Jack asks you why you didn't invite him, what will you say?" Listen ever so carefully to every word your son says. Perhaps, he is embarrassed to invite boys who didn't invite him to their birthday parties. Then you say, "Why not give John another chance?"

Entertaining: Children's Invitation Etiquette
Q For a children's party, the invitations (Curious George) say "Given By" (not Given FOR). Do I still put my daughter's name in there? Or do I put mine in, and then hers? Thank you!

A You would put your daughter's name after "Given by." Children's parties are just as much about teaching children how to be good hosts as they are about the celebration. After all, the children don't want to go to your party, they want to go to your daughter's party.

Entertaining: Children's Party Response
Q On a casual kids birthday party invite, mainly for friends and family, is it correct to say "Please RSVP to phone# Regrets Only"?

A All you need to say is: Regrets Only to 401-000-0000.

Entertaining: Chilling Beer
Q How do I serve bottled beer at a casual Superbowl party? Do I need a tub of ice? Can I leave it in the refrigerator?

A It depends upon how many bottles of beer you need to keep cool. If you have a bathtub, fill it with bags of ice to chill the beer; or you can use a large plastic storage container without holes. Even a clean garbage can keep those bottles cold. However, if you have room in your refrigerator, use it.

Entertaining: Church Reception for Supreme Court Judge
Q Thank you so much for getting back to me. My church is hosting a reception (appetizers and buffet meal) to celebrate and congratualate an active church member who was just promoted to the Superior Court. The Judge will be bringing his wife. I am not sure what is the proper way to word the invitation. Your help would be greatly appreciated.


A Here might be the form for the invitation:

The Reverend John Whitman and Mrs. Whitman
and the Clergy, Staff and Congregation
of St. James Church
request the pleasure of your company
at a Cocktail-Buffet
in honor of
Judge and Mrs. Charles Dickens
on Wednesday, June 10th
from six to eight-thirty o'clock
St. James Church
Houston

RSVP
(telephone number)

The highest member of the church will no doubt be in attendance and preside over the toasts, so it would be up to him to mention the judge's nomination. You would, of course, insert your own information and center the lines on the page, which I can't do in this Q&A form.

Entertaining: Class Reunion Cocktail Buffet
Q We are planning a class reunion and instead of a sit-down dinner, we have chosen to have hors d'oeuvres served throughout the evening. How do we word this on the invitation so no one is expecting a formal dinner?

A The "Cocktail Buffet" might be the way to go. It requires small plates but you do not need the waitstaff to pass hors d'oeuvres because they are laid out nicely, preferably, on round tables in the center of the room. The expense is minimal because you don't need knives and forks for finger food, but you will need eight-inch dessert-size plates and napkins. When "Cocktail Buffet" is stated on an invitation as in, "requests your presence at a Cocktail Buffet," guests know they are not being served dinner; however, the word "buffet" tells them that there will be hors d'oeuvres, which allows guests to make dinner plans or eat ahead of time.

Entertaining: Club Dress Code: Business Lunch for Elderly Lady
Q What to wear to a lunch at a private club with 2 business men and one business woman that I have never met before. I am an elderly female.

A If the private club is in the city and it is a business meeting during the summer, then you might wear a lightweight suit with a small brimmed hat. You could also wear a dress with sleeves or a dress with a jacket and short off-white gloves. You might wear a small brimmed hat or gloves, but probably not both, unless you wish to look like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. Wear sensible shoes in case there are stairs to climb and long marble passages to trod. Long sleeves are a must because men's clubs, in particular, can be too cold in the summer for bare-armed ladies.

Entertaining: Club Etiquette
Q We have been invited to dinner at a private club with friends and the bill will be placed on the member's tab. How do we offer to reimburse for our charges?

A If you have been invited, then you are being treated. When you are invited to someone's club for dinner, you know that you are not expected to offer to pay. An invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party Etiquette: No Children
Q When sending out an invitation to a cocktail party, is it necessary to write on the invitation, no children please?

A I am a huge believer in NOT saying anything negative on an invitation and I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If it is a sophisticated invitation and not cute and family- oriented, and you use words such as Cocktails or Cocktail Buffet, and the hours are, say, six to eight or seven to nine, then you are making it clear that this is not a family party. So stay away from being too cute or pretty and using words like pizza or hamburgers. Stick to a martini glass with an olive, or a rooster motif, as opposed to a kitty cat or confetti and puppets. Then get the word out. When people call to RSVP and they have children you say, "I am sorry but we are not inviting any children." The word will get out and nobody will want to be the only adult at the party with a child in tow. But you have to be consistent. You can't allow one person to bring her baby, because it will get out and kids will show up if you are wishy-washy.

Entertaining: Coffee at Dinner
Q At a dinner party, is coffee appropriate to be offered during the courses before dessert, or only during the dessert course?

A A good hostess or host accommodates the needs of every guest and makes him or her feel that they are the most special guest. If a guest wants a cup of coffee or tea during dinner, no matter which course you are on, you would cheerfully accommodate him or her. Nevertheless, you wouldn't serve coffee until your guests have finished their dessert. Customarily, at an informal or formal dinner party, demitasse is served away from the dinner table, which is often followed by brandy or liqueur.

Entertaining: Co-hosting Graduation Party
Q Is it right to co-host a graduation party for my nephew who did indeed graduate from high school but my own son didn't graduate, get diploma, get gifts or anything......this is okay to have graduation party and receive monies/gifts???? please help me...thank you sandra

A The teenager who graduated should be celebrated with a graduation party and gifts; however, the child who did not actually graduate should not be celebrated for an achievement he has not yet achieved. By pretending that the teenager has graduated when he really hasn't is a farce. It might even give him a false sense that he has graduated and he might not be actually motivated to get his diploma. Teenagers have to understand the consequences of their behavior. If they have worked hard for a diploma, they should be rewarded. If he has not worked hard enough to earn his diploma, then there is no way that he should be rewarded until he earns it.

Entertaining: Co-Hosting in a Restaurant
Q This may sound petty but a guy friend of mine and I decided to invite a couple we know who entertains both of us frequently out for dinner because, as single working people, neither of us entertain. My friend paid the bill because it seemed that in such an expensive restaurant splitting the check was tacky, so I was to pay him back later. Leaving the restaurant the couple thanked my friend for dinner. My friend didn't give me any credit for paying half. What would have been the proper etiquette under the circumstance?

A Next time you share the cost of entertaining in a restaurant with another person, remember to give a seated toast to your friends you are entertaining that would go something like this: "Edward and I thought it would be such fun to have you both to ourselves for an evening. Thank you for joining us." At that point the Edward person would say something very Hugh Grant-ish: "Instead of Isabella and I fighting over the check, she will pay her half later." With glasses raised, all will be jolly. Next time you and your Edward-type should work the toasts out ahead of time.

Entertaining: Combining His Homecoming with Her Birthday
Q I am hosting a party for my boyfriend's coming home party and my birthday party. My boyfriend has concerns that I am not well known to his friends and family since we have only been dating a year. He wants me to put on the invitations that gifts are not necessary. I feel as though that is inappropriate. I think we should not address it at all. What do you think?

A I think that you do not write anything negative on an invitation because it gives a negative tone to a happy occasion. For instance, never put the following on an invitation: Regrets Only, No Presents, Presence Not Presents. When people RSVP you can talk to them directly and say that people are not bringing presents. Your boyfriend is right in that it is difficult to expect people who don't know you to give you a present because they would not know what to get you. Perhaps your girlfriends could give you a birthday lunch to make you feel special and that might give your boyfriend a stressless homecoming party. Also, if you are hosting the party for him, you would not also at the same time host a birthday party for yourself.

Entertaining: Compensating a Host
Q Is it proper to give monetary gift to the householder as a gesture of appreciation for accommodating a guest in one's home?

A Customarily the guest would bring a present with him or send a present after the visit when he has gotten to know the tastes of his host better. Or if you have dined at their favorite restaurant, you might arrange with the restaurant for a gift certificate to be sent to your hosts in your name. The only monetary gift might be if you were to leave a tip for the housekeeper or cleaning lady, which would be left in an envelope on the bedside table. Depending upon how much she actually did for you, you might leave at least five dollars a night.

However, if the guest is not a friend or business associate and he knows that the host is in need of money, he might give the host the equivalent of what he would have spent if he had stayed in a B&B, say, approximately a hundred dollars a night.

Entertaining: Computer Printed Labels for Invites
Q When addressing envelopes for a 50th anniversary drop-in reception, is it acceptable to use computer printed labels or should we stick with handwriting the envelopes?

A I do not understand what you mean by "drop-in reception." It sounds like a cattle call. If you are having an elegant party, you might send handwritten envelopes. People use computer printed labels all the time for invitations; if that's your style, by all means print them out.

Entertaining: Contributing to a Family Event
Q When hosting a family event and it is understood that everyone will contribute in some way, should the host contact family members to ask them to bring things or should family guests call and ask? Also, in the case where the event is very close, is it polite to tell the host what you intend to bring, instead of asking ahead?