Entertaining: 25th Anniversary
Q My husband and I are having a 25th anniversary party at a local restaurant. How to word the invitation so guests know it is a "dutch treat" event, since we cannot afford to pay for everyone's meal?

A Technically, you would not be giving the party because you want people to pay their own way. Unfortunately, misunderstanding, resentment and bitterness often come into play when you invite "guests" to pay for their own meal. In the invitation, you would tell them exactly how much they need to bring per person and per couple for their meal and drinks, including the gratuity and tax. Also, you will need to print "No gifts please" at the bottom of the invitation because if you are asking your friends to pay for their own food and drinks, they cannot be expected to buy you a 25th anniversary present, too. Insert your own information and center the lines on the card:

Amanda and John Winslow
invite you to a Dutch Treat Dinner
to help them celebrate
their 25th Anniversary
Wednesday, August 25th
seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000
$50 Dinner with drinks, tax and tip
No gifts please

Entertaining: 25th Anniversary Contribution
Q How do you word in an invitation (25th Wedding Anniversary Party) given by friends to please contribute for a special gift to be presented at the party?

A First you might want to get your host and hostess list together. Telephone or email ten couples and ask if they would like to host the party saying that in lieu of a present, everyone will contribute towards a special gift. Before you make the calls, you need to decide if you will be also collecting for the cost of the party because if you are, you are not going to be able to ask them to contribute too much for the gift, if they are helping to pay for the party. Have a couple of dates in mind so that when you make those calls you can get the rest of the hosts to agree on a date. Then you need to budget the party: how much for expenses, how much for the special gift. You will also need to decide as treasurer not only how much you have to collect but when people have to have their money into you. Once you have your hosts' list, the date and time, the total amount people will be asked to contribute, then you can send out your invitation. At the top of the invite, list the names of the hosts, then under that say "request your presence/ at the 25th Wedding Anniversary/ of Jane and John Doe." Center all the lines in the center of the page with the date and time, and then location towards the bottom. At the very bottom, put your RSVP, email and phone number.

Entertaining: 45th Anniversary Plan
Q We are having a sit-down full course dinner for my sister & brother-in-law's 45th wedding anniversary and I want to know if they should be seated with the rest of their family or at a table by themselves? Thank you very much.

A Traditionally, honorees are either seated at a dais table side by side with the hosts on the other side or at round tables of eight, ten or twelve. I am not a big fan of the dais table because the honored guests don't really get to circulate. If you have a dance floor, you would have the honorees at the best table, the one center to the dance floor and band. Whether you have a dance floor or not, they should be seated where they are easily accessible to all the guests, not jammed into a tight corner. The oldest and/or best friends of your sister and her husband would sit beside them. Seat them next to whomever has come the farthest distance, whom they have known the longest. I am not a big fan of seating honorees with families unless they are family members whom they do not see often or who are quite elderly. You might even ask the honorees who they would like to be seated with. You and your husband might have your own tables, spreading yourselves out to the second tier of close friends and family. Try to intersperse family with friends. Have place cards for the honorees table and at least have table number cards for the other guests, who can seat themselves once they have found their assigned table. It is important to have toasts, so if you invite some of their bridal party to the anniversary, you might ask the best man or matron of honor to give toasts mentioning the wedding. If there is no music, then the toasts will be the only entertainment, so you will need to arrange the toasts ahead of time, once everyone has made their RSVP. The first would be the welcoming toast from either the host or the best man. The rest of the toasts would be made during dessert.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary for 50 Dutch Treat
Q When hosting a 50th Wedding Aniversary, is it ok to have the guests pay for their own meals? We are inviting 50 people and cannot afford to pay to feed them all.

A If you decide to host yourselves a Dutch Treat 50th anniversary party for fifty people, you will need to remember three things: you will have to make an arrangement with the restaurant and get a set price that includes the cost of the meal, drinks, tax and tip; when you send out your invitation you will have to state Dutch Treat Dinner $50 (insert your own cost) with drinks, tax, + tip, and don't forget to include your RSVP telephone number. Then when people RSVP by telephone, you will need to tell them that you are not accepting presents because they are paying for the cost of their own dinner.

It is important that you establish the price ahead of time because a lot of people at that age are on tight budgets; you will, also, have to let them know when they RSVP when and how you need to be reimbursed because the restaurant cannot handle and process 50 different bills and 50 different credit cards. Be prepared for the fact that many restaurants will ask for a specific percentage of the bill for the tip, or there might be a surcharge. If you work all these details out well ahead of time, you might be able to make a good deal with the manager for a prix fixe dinner at a set cost.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Gift
Q My family and I are invited to our aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary celebration . On the invitation it said our presence was wanted but not gifts. So do we go empty handed or bring a gift? I don't want to be the only one to show up with a gift or without a gift. Thanks!

A By the 50th anniversary most people are getting rid of "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff." Honor your aunt and uncle's wishes and don't bring a gift. If you wish to send them flowers which will die and can be thrown away, then do so. All that is required is a handwritten, heartfelt note and perhaps a lovely, or hilariously funny, 50th anniversary card. At their age, they are more interested in contact, connecting with family and old friends, then they are in acquiring new things that they will have to get rid of.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Informal Invite
Q How would you word an informal 50th anniversary invitation?

A An informal 50th anniversary invitation might read:
Mary Louise and Andrew Whittaker
cordially invite you
to a cocktail buffet
in celebration of their fiftieth wedding annniversary
Thursday, June 21, 2006
6 to 9 P.M.
at home
806 Bellevue Avenue
RSVP
000-000-0000

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary party
Q This is not information I need to get here, but do you have a page or two on do's and don't for 50th wedding anniversarys? My 3 brothers and sister and I have picked a restaurant. I ordered favors and we agreed on a menu. What other information/necessities should we be aware of? The event is on 9/16/06.
Thank you again. Please answer if it's already printed out.

A Your parents would not open presents in front of their guests because many people think it is a big bore to have to watch grown-ups opening gifts. Party favors would either be at their place when they sat down, if it is a seated dinner with place cards, or at the door when they leave. Ahead of time, make a list of guests who might be particularly good at giving toasts, telephoning them a couple of weeks before the party so that they have time to prepare. The eldest sibling, though not necessarily, would give the welcoming toast to guests and your parents at the start of the meal and he would take on the role of toast master. During the cocktail time he would check-in with those on his list to be sure that they are prepared and he might say, for instance, "Hank, yours will be the third toast during dessert." The rest of the toasts would begin during dessert with the toast master announcing each of the people who are toasting with a short description of their relationship to your parents. The toasts might be chronological going from the siblings to their oldest to not so oldest friends. For instance, if you could get their best man to give the first toast at dessert, you would be linking the wedding to the anniversary. Be sure to instruct the people making toasts, both on the phone and during the cocktail time, to "Please limit your toast to three minutes." It would be really fun to try to have some of the same music that played during their wedding reception at the anniversary dinner; for instance, the first tune they danced to as husband and wife. You might, also, want to recreate their wedding cake and use the same wedding colors for the flowers and decorations. If you have photographs of the wedding, you might display them in the area used at cocktail time. It is important to end the party on a high note. If there is no band to dance to after the toasts have ended, one of the siblings or your father might want to end the evening with a farewell toast that might start out, "Thank you all so much for coming. Mandy and I are touched that so many of you came from so far to be with us this evening. Mandy and I want to thank our children Amanda, Samuel, and Henry for organizing such a splendid event. Now, after I kiss my wife, Mandy and I will say goodnight and thanks to you all." Guests are not supposed to leave before the guests of honor, so your parents would be the first to leave signaling that the party is over. Timing the ending of a party is one of the most important elements to creating a successful party.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Etiquette
Q Is a gift expected at a formal 50th wedding anniversary celebration?

A 50th anniversaries are more about the camaraderie than collecting gifts. By this time in life most people are in the getting rid of "stuff" stage. A funny card, a handwritten thank-you note, or a return invitation is all that is expected. The invitation is all about personal contact. It is a social bid best answered with a social bid.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Gifts
Q 50th wedding anniversary party: do you give the guests any gifts?

A No, because by this stage of life most of the guests will be trying to get rid of "stuff." The money might be better spent on treating your guests to better quality food, wine, and dance band. You might encourage special friends to take home the floral arrangement from their table.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary Party Planning
Q My younger sister and brother and I will be giving my parents 50th wedding anniversary celebration in December and I want the rsvp's returned no later than the second week of November but my sister thinks this is improper etiquette. The earlier date will allow those procrastinators in my extended family to get the return in on time. We are required to pay for the catering services two weeks before the celebration. When should we request that the rsvp's be in our hands?

What would be the proper wording for an invitation from the surviving daughters and son? I have two younger brothers who are deceased and both died young but have children and wives that will be in attendance? Is there something very touching and appropriate that we can do during the celebration to honor or recognize my deceased brothers but not bring the tone of the party down?
My father has a daughter who will be attending. She is not my mother's biological daughter. How do we incorporate her without stating offensively that she isn't my mom's child?

I would also like to have a check list for the last weeks before the event so I can be organized.

A Now let me get this straight, the hosts are you, your sister, and your brother. So if you three are paying for the party and are hosts, why would you list your deceased brothers' wives as hosts? It is a very nice gesture, and if you wish to do so that is fine, but you do not have to unless they are sharing the expense. If you do list them, then you would also list your spouse, your sister's spouse and your brother's spouse. Also, if you are not listing your children as hosts, then you wouldn't list your deceased brothers' children as hosts, unless they were sharing the cost. When listing people on a host list, you would use a uniform system listing the given names and surnames alphabetically without titles (centering all the lines but the RSVP on the page) like this:

Alice Adams, Susan Winston, and William Winston
request the pleasure of your company
at a Fiftieth Anniversary Dinner
in honor of their parents
Jane and Harry Winston
on Saturday, December 14th
at seven o'clock
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

RSVP by December first
to your@email.address
or 401-000-1234

Alternatively, you can say (centering these lines on the page):

The children, grandchildren, and in-laws
of Jane and Harry Winston
request the pleasure of your company
for a Fiftieth Anniversary Dinner
on Saturday, December 16th
at seven o'clock
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

RSVP by December first
Reply card enclosed

Tell your sister that the caterer has to know the head count two weeks in advance, so there has to be a deadline for the RSVP. Also, you will need to know in order to make out the table seating chart and place cards in advance. Before you go ahead with the printing of the invitation, be sure to ask to see a proof and go over it very carefully, because if a date or time is incorrect, it could be a disasterous. Remember that you will need to have a return address on the envelope, so check the proof for the envelope, too.

As to acknowledging your deceased brothers, that can be done in a toast by your brother. It should be short and reflect their personalities. In other words, "I would like us all to raise our glasses and toast our brother Tom, who would never miss a family party even if he had to hitchhike home." And then, "Let's raise our glasses again, this time to our brother John, who would have been so proud to see all of his children here today celebrating his parents fiftieth anniversary."

As to your father's daughter from a former marriage, in your father's thank-you toast, he will thank all those for coming, and "especially those who came from as far away as Mike did from Alaska and to Sally who just had a baby, and my daughter Andrea and her husband Arnold for all coming tonight."

Here is a suggested checklist:

List the given and surname of all guests on an Excel spreadsheet along with the address and phone number, as well as a place to check off if the person is attending or not, and if they are, eventually you will need to add the table number.

Give a deposit and sign a contract with the caterer, which includes gratuity information and overtime rates. Be sure to have the cost of the meal detailed out from drinks and canapes to after-dinner coffee and champagne for toasting. You want a guarantee of so many waiters per table. For instance a table of ten might need one and a half waiters, if the waiter is pouring the wine. If the wine is on the table, then one waiter for a table of ten or twelve would be fine.

Give a deposit for the floral arrangements and any other accent floral arrangements (and corsages) and get a receipt in writing stating the place, date, and time that the arrangements will be delivered. You should ask to see a photo of the arrangement ahead of time so that you can coordinate it with the color of the table linens.

Give a deposit and sign a contract with the bandleader, which includes gratuity information and overtime charges.

Once you have those contracts or letters of agreement signed, mail out all invitations four weeks before the date of the RSVP deadline. Make it clear to the bandleader that the band will be fed by the caterer after the instruments have been set up and there has been a sound check. Make sure that you both agree that there will be continuous music throughout the evening from the moment the first guest walks in the door until the final tune, "Good Night Ladies." Although the unions require breaks, you can follow the union rules by having musicians alternate the times when they take their break. Be sure that you specify this.

You will need to telephone those guests whose reply cards have not been returned in order to give the caterer an accurate head count.

Now you can go through the spreadsheet and write out the place cards and make out a seating plan. The most efficient way to do this is to have a table card in an envelope at the entrance with the number of the table clearly marked on the card. Then when the guest goes to the table number, he/she will find a place card that tells him/her where to sit. You would not seat married couples side by side, but you can seat small children between parents, if you do not have a specific table just for small children.

At least a week before the party, make contact with the chef to go over the menu in detail, this includes beverages, canapes, and the fact that there should be salt and pepper on all the tables. Will there be butter plates? Will the cake be served by the waiter? Will champagne be served with the toasts? If you have not yet ordered a special cake, be sure that it is included with the correct information as to the spelling of names, etc. You want to go over how the tables will be arranged and set; if you are not using the caterers tablecloths and napkins you will want to be sure that the caterer has the number of the rental person to coordinate the arrival of the linens. You will want him to put numbers on the tables. If he doesn't have them, then you will want to arrange for table numbers to be rented. Be sure that you discuss the lighting and ask how many votives will be on the tables and who will be providing and lighting those votives. Go over the timing of the cocktail hour, dinner seating, the serving of the champagne and the cutting of the cake.

You might want to go to your parents house to make sure that nothing has to be dry cleaned and that your dad's dress shoes are shined. Be sure that they have tried on their outfits ahead of time and that no linings have come undone or buttons need to be sewn tighter. At this point you want to confirm with the person who is bringing your parents to the party, the date and time of the pick-up. You might put a grandson in charge of picking them up and taking them home. Your father should be working on his thank-you toast.

The afternoon of the party, take your seating plan and cards and lay down the table cards on a table at the entrance in alphabetical order, and then lay down the place cards that are placed at each place setting. Have the place cards stacked in the order that they will be placed around the table, securing the stack with an elastic band; slip a piece of paper with the table number under the elastic band. Be sure that your parents' table is the one centered nearest to the dance floor. Also, if you know that guests might be bringing presents, have a table in the corner near the entrance, although not at the entrance, where guests can leave presents.

Print out the Excel spreadsheet again at the last minute, so that you have it with you at the party in case someone's table card gets lost or you are looking for an extra place for an unexpected guest who came at the last minute and can have the seat of someone who had to regret at the last moment.

Most good hostesses won't have their first drink until they are assured that the party is in the hands of a competent staff. If dinner has not been called within an hour, remind the caterer that you had specified that the cocktail hour be no longer than an hour. If you and your sister and brother are the primary hosts, then be sure to make sure that at least one of you (with or without your spouse) is stationed by the entrance during the cocktail hour to greet all of the guests and then again after the cutting of the cake and the toasts to thank your guests for coming as they depart. You can rotate every twenty minutes.

Lastly, but most importantly, have a great time at the party and your guests will have fun, too.

Entertaining: 50th Anniversary: Anniversary Bouquet
Q I'm planning a 50th anniversary vows renewal and party for my older sister and would like somehow to include on the invitation a request for a silk flower in lieu of gifts to be made into a remembrance bouquet for the couple to be able to look at in days and months after to remember all those that came. I want to buy a nice vase and have it sitting by the guest book and have each guest place their flower there as they come in to the reception. How to I word this on the invitation? I have been looking all over the internet for some help on this and your site is the first where I could ask the question.

A What a splendid idea because by the time the 50th anniversary comes along most couples have accumulated enough stuff, but they can always find a place for a beautiful vase of silk flowers.

In order to create this bouquet, you will need to put a line on the invitation directly under the RSVP that says something such as either of these sentences:

In lieu of a boxed gift, please bring your favorite silk flower for the anniversary bouquet.
or
In lieu of a present, please bring one silk flower for the anniversary bouquet.

Entertaining: 50th Wedding Anniversary Gift
Q Are you suppose to take gifts to a 50th wedding anniversary party? Should gifts be expected?

A No, gifts are not expected at a 50th anniversary party. At that stage of life most people are getting rid of their "stuff" and the last thing they want is more "stuff" that they will have to get rid of; plus they get stuck with having to write a thank-you note for a present they didn't want in the first place. People at this age would rather receive a thank-you phone call, email, or a humorous greeting card with a couple of personal sentences. They are less interested in things and more interested in contact. An invitation is a social bid; it might be better to reciprocate with an invitation rather than burden the couple with more "stuff."

Entertaining: 50th Wedding Anniversary Invitation
Q I am having a 50th wedding anniversary dinner for my parents and I don't want to have children in attendance, but I also forgot to put this on the invitation. Also we are having a money tree and I forgot to put that on the invitation also. Please advise. I'm mailing these out tomorrow.

A I am terribly sorry, but I answer all of my questions personally, and I took a couple of days off. Some days I've been answering over 100 questions. By now, I am sure that you did the right thing. If you did not put the children's names on the invitations or envelopes, then you did not specifically invite the children. Therefore, when people RSVP, you can remind them that you did not invite any children. Don't use a voicemail to collect the RSVPs, so that you speak to people personally. As for the money tree, I am not a huge fan of soliciting money at parties, except for charity, and especially not for family. If it is a custom in your family to collect money for family in this fashion, then you would stick with your family's traditions.

Entertaining: 60th Anniversary Cake
Q My in-laws are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. What is the proper cake decorating? Thank you.

A Ask your mother-in-law if she remembers her wedding cake and go from there. If she doesn't, ask her what her favorite flavors and colors are and use those. If she remembers what flowers were in her bridal bouquet, use those flowers as decorations.

Entertaining: Acceptable Arriving Late Time
Q We are having an etiquette arguement....Is it ever ok to be late to something as small as a bbq when the hostess has specified a time to be there? I feel specified times means exactly what it was intended, not whenever you want to arive.


A Traditionally, you should not be more than 15 minutes late. However, often when you know that there will be a long cocktail hour and you don't want to drink too much because you have to drive home, you might arrive closer to the dinner hour. So if the bbq is at six, you might arrive at 6:45, if they are eating at seven. Arriving any later than that is rude because it is not fair to keep the host and other guests waiting for their dinner. If for instance you have a cocktail party to attend first, you would telephone the host to ask what time he anticipates serving dinner because you have to stop off somewhere else briefly first but you do not want to hold up the dinner. That way you can gauge arriving at the bbq at least 15 minutes before the food is served; the host knows that you are on your way and haven't forgotten his invitation to his bbq.

Entertaining: Addressing Informal Invitation Man or Woman First
Q When addressing informal invitation should man or woman's name come first?

A In addressing the envelope for an informal invitation, you would put Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens. If you do not want to use Mr. and Mrs.(you don't have to), you might put Caroline and Charles Dickens. I am a big fan of putting the woman first.

Entertaining: Addressing Invite to Couple + Child
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?



A Depends upon the invitation. If it is a formal invitation, for instance to a wedding, on the inside envelope underneath where the parents' name is written, you would write the name of the child minus the last name. If it is a family invitation to a cookout, let's say, the child's name might go on the outside envelope under the parents' name, if the host's children's names are on the invitation, too.

Entertaining: Addressing Minor Children on Invitation
Q How should an invitation be addressed to parents and a minor child?

Thanks

A If it is a formal wedding announcement that has an inside envelope, the child's first name would be written underneath the parents' name on the inside envelope. If the invitation is for a family party where the children's names also appear on the invitation, then the child's name might appear on the outside envelope.

Entertaining: Adults Only Baby Shower
Q I have a huge problem!! I am having a baby shower and my guest list is running close to 60 guest. I don't want to have children in attendance because the shower is going to be held in a ballroom of an upscale hotel. A lot of my guests have children, some even have up to six kids!!! I don't want to be rude, but I want to know if it is okay for me to indicate on the invite that this function is for adults only. What is the proper way to say that without offending any of my guests? Please help, this is really bothering me!! I think that this is stressing me out more than the thought of giving birth!!!

Thanks in Advance
Kellie's Mommie
Memphis,TN

A I understand your concern, because it is considered bad manners to say anything negative on an invitation. For instance you might not say "No Children"; however, you might say, "Adults Only" in the lower left hand corner underneath your RSVP telephone number or/and email address. Then when the women RSVP, you can remind them that there won't be any children at the shower. You will need to be consistent because there are always a few mothers who will insist that "their" baby will sleep quietly in the carrier; however, you cannot make exceptions. Through word of mouth, the guests will get the word that it is an Adults Only party. Set your boundary and stick to it. Be consistent. If they give you any flack, say, "This shower is all about Amanda and her baby."

Entertaining: After-Dinner Drinks
Q My wife and I debate whether we need to serve after-dinner drinks at dinner parties. I say you have to pair after-dinner drinks with the dinner. She says nobody does that anymore and we should just offer them a cognac or port. What's the present etiquette?

A No longer are there rules for serving after-dinner drinks. Entertaining at home has gotten much more relaxed and rarely will you be at a dinner where the after-dinner drinks are paired with what you just ate. No longer do hosts serve dinner guests scotch or port after a dinner of beef, whiskey and cognac after chicken and pork, and whiskey following seafood. Guests are more apt to opt for a chocolate martini in a 6 ounce glass with a straight stem. Personally, I offer guests port and cognac with their after-dinner coffee. However, if you did go to the trouble of serving an haute cuisine meal pairing each course with a different wine, it would make sense to be consistent and do the same with the after dinner drink. On the other hand, if you've just served them meat loaf, chicken chili, curry or lasagne, you would then continue to offer beer or wine because liquers would seem pretentious. However, if it is someone's birthday, I will serve champagne with dessert no matter what I served for dinner.

Entertaining: Anniversary Party: Present
Q I have been invited to a 50th Wedding Anniversary Brunch via of phone call from the couple. Do you take a gift to a 50th Wedding Anniversary Brunch?

thank you

A By the time most couples celebrate their 50th anniversary, they are in the getting rid of "stuff" stage of life. Unless the couple are in need of "things," the best way to reciprocate is by inviting the couple for brunch, lunch or cocktails within a year of the occasion.

Entertaining: Anniversary: Group Gift
Q My husband and I are hosting our 50th wedding anniversary (catered affair, DJ/singer etc.). We have been asked about receiving a group gift from our condo friends who have been invited. This has made us uncomfortable. We were hoping all invited (friends & family) would do whatever they felt was appropriate for the occasion, individually. Obviously we're hoping for no dishes, vases, etc. We've reached a point where we give that stuff away. However, we have been asked by someone for a list of those invited from the condo to organize a group gift. We probably would have taken a nice vacation, cruise or the like if we hadn't decided to have this party, but plan to postpone that for now. Gifts will definitely be given (we would do the same) and we would prefer cash or a check to be used toward that future vacation; however, how do we handle this gracefully when we are put in the position to answer regards the "group gift of choice"? We're supposed to be thinking about what we'd like. We'll be approached about this in a matter of days and don't want to handle it incorrectly nor do we want to ask for something we really don't want...what a waste that would be! We have always given cash or a check as a gift when invited to a catered party to enable the recipient to do as they wish. Advice!!! HELP!!!

A Luckily, you and your husband are being asked to choose your gift. Explain that you don't need any more material things because you are at the stage in your lives where you're giving away a lot of your stuff. Say that you want the condo members to decide whether they should pool together and give a check to the charity of your choice, or give you a check to do with as you please when you decide how you're going to use it. That way you are saying that you want the money to be put to good use.

Ideally, you would want the condo group to pool together to give you a check without questioning how the money will be spent. Remember, you are not obligated to tell them how you use the money. Perhaps you can give a bit of it to your favorite charity and then use the remainder for your trip.

Entertaining: Anniversary: Invitation: No Children
Q Dear Didi,
I am about to send out invitations to my husband's 40th birthday party. It will be on a Saturday night and we would like it to be all adults. We are hiring a babysitter to watch our 2 small children at a relative's house and want our guests to do the same. How do we relay that on our invite?

Thanks so much!
Jen

A Remember that you never want to say anything negative on an invitation because it sets a negative tone to the party. So you wouldn't say, "No children, please." You can, however, word the invitation and address the envelopes in a way that will make it clear to your guests that this is an adult party. Also, through word-of-mouth (and I am a huge believer in getting the word out through word-of-mouth) tell your friends that you are not inviting guests to bring their children for a number of reasons: you will not be accommodating any children, not even your own, because you don't feel children should be at parties where adults are drinking and, most importantly, you want your husband to have fun at his 40th birthday party.

Also, make it clear that everyone has to RSVP because you need an accurate head count. That way when someone tells you that they are bringing little Johnny, you can say that you are sorry but your children won't be at the party because it is an adults only party, which means there won't be any children's food, games or TV. Someone might snicker but, truth be told, most parents will be happy to have a grown-up night out.

Address the envelope to the names of the grown-ups:
Mr. and Mrs. Robert W. Brown
Their address
or
Amanda and Rob Brown
Their address

Remember that the return address on the envelope should be your name and address:
Mrs. George J. Foster (or Jennifer Foster)
Your address

You wouldn't have the return address say, "The Foster Family," because once you mention family, they'll bring their families.
Also, remember for a Saturday night party, you will want to mail the invitations at least a month in advance, which will give guests plenty of time to find a babysitter.

Insert your own information and center these lines on a card or e-vite:

Please join me to celebrate
George Foster's 40th Birthday
Saturday, September 7th
Cocktails: 7:00 PM
Dinner: 8:00 PM
672 Ocean Avenue
Newport

RSVP by September 1st to Jen Foster @ 401-846-1234 or
jenniferfoster@aol.com

Remember that no parent wants to be embarrassed by being the only guest who brought their child to your party, so get the word out that this party is all about your husband. Notice that the invitation is not worded "Please join us" because "us" could be interpreted as family. In England and Europe they deal with your problem by hand- writing the name of the family members that are being invited on the invitation. So if you are sending out paper invitations you would write on the upper left hand corner the first names of the guests you are inviting, for instance: Amanda and Rob

Entertaining: Announcement Mailing Schedule
Q When should announcements be mailed?

A It would depend what is being announced and the date of what is being announced. For instance, a Saturday date would need more lead time. If you would like to return to my Web site and give me some more information about what you are announcing, I would be happy to give you a proper answer. A very general answer would be one month.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Answering the Door Who Speaks First
Q When someone comes to your door, who is the first to greet, the person answering the door or the person that rang the doorbell?

A It depends upon the situation. If a lad rings your bell to ask if you would pay him to shovel your side walk, he might speak first. If you are expecting guests for dinner, you might open the door with a "Welcome, so glad you could make it, come in."

Entertaining: Applying Makeup While Dining
Q I am dating a woman that takes out her compact to apply blush or lipstick on one or more occasions during dinner in a restaurant. Is this proper etiquette while dining in a restaurant or should she excuse herself to do this in the women's restroom?

A Your woman friend should not tend to her makeup or hair at the dinner table. She should excuse herself from the table to reapply her makeup. The exception would be when a woman discreetly reapplies lipstick that has come off during the meal. However, in applying the lipstick she would not use a mirror and she would not use several different products on her lips one after the other, say, two colors of lipstick and then gloss. A colored gloss or one lipstick discreetly applied at the table after dining is fine. Etiquette is all about compromise; perhaps she can learn to be more discreet and excuse herself. How to make her change her habit? If it really annoys you, tell her that you are not used to dining with women who reapply their makeup at the dinner table, would she mind terribly excusing herself to go to the ladies' room? If the request is made in a jovial fashion, she might comply but since it is a habit, you might have to remind her again and again until she realizes that nobody wants to watch her reapplying her makeup; if she wants to please you, she will compromise.

Entertaining: Are Gifts Expected at Retirement Party
Q Are you suppose to bring gifts to a retirement party?


A No, you are not required to bring a present to a retirement party; however, you may feel like an old curmudgeon if you are the only one who shows up without a gift. You might want to send a card to the retiree to wish him well. Alternatively, books are an interesting and inexpensive gift, if you need a good gift.

Entertaining: Asking for Party Presents
Q When hosting a party is it proper to ask for gifts and specify types?

A If you would please return to my Web site and ask the question again adding more specific information, I would be happy to give you a proper answer. I need to know if you are asking about a hostess gift or a shower present. Are you specifying a gift for yourself or for someone you are hosting a party in honor of, for instance a birthday party?

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Asking Guest to Remove Shoes
Q Is it proper to ask guests to remove their shoes when entering a home? What about an office party at someone's house?

A More and more you will find that guests are asked to remove their shoes either because there is light colored carpeting or softwood floors. I used to think it was silly, but now I am not so sure. A guest wearing very pointed high heels came for Thanksgiving and the next day we noticed indentations all around where she was seated before dinner and during dinner of her heel marks in our softwood floors. It will take a lot of sanding to smooth down those indentations. I have a 19th century house and 21st century spiked heals are no longer welcome. If you do have people take off their shoes, you might have a basket of colorful Chinese slippers beside the front door so that guests can trade their shoes for slides or slippers. I have even heard of hosts supplying surgical booties for guests to tie on over their shoes.

Entertaining: Asking Guests to Take Off Shoes
Q Is it improper or impolite to ask guests to your house to remove their shoes upon entering?

A Yes, they are your guests. If you are really that fussy, you might find surgical booties in a medical supply store that you can ask guests to put on over their shoes, however, they may be dangerous over high heels. Alternatively, have a basket of chic ethnic slippers beside the front door and ask people to slip on a pair.

Entertaining: Asking People at the Last Moment to Self-Pay for Restaurant Dinner
Q I am having a dinner party at a restaurant for about 30 people after my college graduation. Should I or my parents pick up the tab or can everyone pay individually? Is it rude to have my guests pick up the tab?

A If you have invited people to join you for dinner at a restaurant, they are not expecting to pay for their meal so it would be awkward to have them presented with a check at the end of the evening because they may not be able to cover their share. Also, if you have already invited these people, they might have already gotten you a gift and you cannot expect them to pay for their dinner if they bought you a gift. If you cannot afford to pay for the dinner, then you need to tell the guests ahead of time that the dinner is "Dutch Treat" or "self-pay" and not to bring you a gift, that "In lieu of a gift, would you please pay for your own food and drinks." It is unfair to catch people off guard and embarrass them.

Entertaining: Aunt Hosts Shower for Niece
Q Can an aunt give a baby shower for her niece?

A By all means, I am sure your niece would greatly appreciate it if you would host a baby shower for her.

Entertaining: Baby Boomer Couple Wants Two Parties
Q If I threw my husband a surprise birthday party this Novemeber. Is it rude for him to throw me one in June? We want to celebrate the milestone we have both reached. I would like for my friends to party and have a good time. If he throws a party can he say no gifts please?

A Why not celebrate with one really nice birthday party since you would be inviting most of the same people to both parties? If you have your heart set on two parties, I admire your spirit. The rule is that you don't write "No Gifts" or "no" anything on an invitation because the negative words on invitations give off a negative vibe. People who can afford to bring presents will, others might rather write a thank-you note or send a birthday card. Through word of mouth to your friends you can spread the information that you do not want presents, but keep it off the invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower
Q My oldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild this spring. There are HUGE, extended families on both sides and also many, many, friends. The guest list is well over 100 people. My question is this, should we split the list and have two separate showers, say friends, and then relatives, or just have one big party and not worry about it? Money isn't as much of an issue as space and time management. I can't imagine having enough food and drink for everyone to sit and watch the gifts being opened!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

A How fortunate to have such a fun problem. If it were my family, and my daughter were having a baby in the spring, I would have a huge picnic outside and invite everyone. The food could be partially catered and you could hire college students for bartenders. With so many people, you would open presents, but you would designate a table on which people would place their gift upon arrival and the parents can open the gifts later.

Entertaining: Baby Shower + Babies
Q How can I properly address the issue of no children allowed at a baby shower?

A At the bottom of the baby shower invitation, under the RSVP, write: A sitter will be on hand to mind children under the age of two. Or you can plan the shower for a time when husbands would be more available to stay with their children. By putting mention of children under the RSVP, you will best be able to calculate how many children will be on hand.

Entertaining: Baby Shower After the Birth
Q Can you have a baby shower when the baby will be 8 months old and family and friends have already given when the baby was born?

A It would be better to wait until the baby has his or her first birthday and celebrate that with family and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Before or After Birth
Q Is it appropriate to throw baby shower before or after baby is born?

A You might do either, before or after.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Combined With Birthday
Q I am throwing a couples baby shower for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. We are also celebrating her 40th birthday, upon her request. So my invitation reads...
Scott and Ria have a baby on the way and Ria will celebrate a 40th bday. I think you are supposed to always put the woman first, but because she is mentioned twice, I wanted to make him feel special, too. Do you think the wording is proper for a baby shower?

A What a lovely idea. You composed the invitation perfectly. However, by word of mouth you might want to get the information out that only one present is expected. Because it is also your sister-in-law's birthday, you don't want people thinking that they have to buy her a birthday present as well as buy a present for the baby.

If I were you, I would not mention the 40th birthday on the invitation but I might have a huge birthday cake for your sister-in-law. That way the emphasis is on presents the expectant parents need for their baby. You have to remember that the more gifts you ask guests to provide in order to attend a party, the more watered down the gifts. So: you need to decide if it is better for them to receive one really nice baby gift or two token gifts, one for her 40th birthday and one for the baby. Not to worry about the dad feeling neglected because you can honor him by asking him to give the first toast. Be sure to ask him ahead of time so that he is prepared to make the first toast.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette
Q I'm planning on having a 'giving tree' at my baby shower instead of registering at a bunch of stores; how should I phrase this on the invitation?

A I am terribly sorry but I am not a huge fan of using baby showers to solicit money. Part of the activity and fun for many of the guests is the opening and passing around of the baby's gifts. To take that pleasure away from the guests doesn't leave them with much of a baby-oriented shower. If you are really that desperate for cash and do not need fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys for your baby, then you can put at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Guest List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A Only people the mother really likes and is comfortable with are invited to the baby shower. Do not invite people just because they are related or might find out and be hurt. The baby shower is all about the baby and pleasing the baby's mother. Traditionally, the mother's close women friends and family are invited to the baby shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Host
Q Is it considered bad manners to give my own daughter-in-law a baby shower for her 2nd baby which will be a boy? Her first child is an 11-yr-old girl.
Thank you

A Traditionally, family doesn't solicit gifts for family. Can you get a good friend to host the shower? If so, that would be better. You can help with the cost of the shower, but your name shouldn't be on the invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Lunch
Q Is it appopriate to include on a baby shower invitation that "luncheon will be served" as it will be a 1:00 pm shower time?

A If the shower time is from one o'clock to three o'clock, one would assume that you are serving lunch. If you want to be sure that guests know that they are being fed lunch, then you would call the shower a Baby Shower Luncheon in honor of .....

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Push Presents
Q Is it proper etiquette NOT to have a baby shower if you have a second child of the same gender that will be three years apart? I've never heard of someone NOT having a shower whether it be a second, third or fourth child regardless if they are of the same gender of not, however, was advised otherwise. Please advise.

A All babies deserve fresh clothing, bedding, and cuddle toys. Sadly, baby gifts, nowadays called push presents, have gotten an unfair wrap. Showers are, also, a great way for young mothers to stay connected, network, and find support.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Etiquette: Host
Q My niece is pregnant, who throws the baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for the new baby by hosting a shower---but nowadays anything goes. If you or your niece's mother want to give her a shower, you certainly can; however, it might be better if you focus on camaraderie of friends and family and not put too much emphasis on the gift giving. Sometimes a friend of the baby's mother or a cousin will host the baby shower and the aunt or the baby's mother will pitch in behind the scene in order to assure the success.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Dad
Q What is proper etiquette for throwing a baby shower for a co-worker who is the dad? Do you invite the mom?

A Since the mom is carrying the baby for nine months, it might be appropriate to invite her. Even if this is a baby shower for the dad and only his co-workers are invited, the mom might like to feel connected to the people who have been generous in contributing gifts for the baby. However, the mom should not be pressured to attend. Personally, I would telephone the mom to tell her the plan and enlist her help. Also, you might want to ask her if she has registered for baby gifts, so that the baby's parents receive the things that they really need for their newborn.

Entertaining: Baby Shower for Second Baby
Q My sister-in-law is having her second child within a 2 year period; should we host a second baby shower for her?

A No doubt she will appreciate a baby shower for her second baby because she will want fresh blankets and baby clothes.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Game Gifts
Q I am giving a baby shower. The gifts for the winners of the baby shower games, should they be baby gifts so they can be given to the mom or gifts for the person who wins?

A I am sorry but I am not familiar with baby shower games. I do know that often there will be party favors for the guests to take home: for instance, a cookie decorated with the baby's name. The baby shower is about the baby and the mother, not about impressing the guests.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Gifts When Baby Doesn't Make It
Q What do we do with baby shower gifts if the babies did not make it?

A Since the couple got pregnant once, it is likely that they will eventually have a baby. Save the presents and keep trying.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation
Q I am giving a baby shower for my daughter-in-law along with her mother at her mother's house. We are both sharing equal expense and work as far as decorations and food goes. I also have a couple of close friends, one of them the godmother, who are buying things and helping with making favors....exactly who should be listed on the invitation as "given by" without hurting anyone's feelings?
Thank you


A It might be nice to list the godmother on the invitation as a hostess, too; however, if you offered a toast to her praising the things she bought and the favors she made, that should suffice. It would really depend on what you and your daughter- in-law decide is fair. If she is responsible for a third of the labor and cost, she might be offended if she was not listed; however, if not, acknowledgment for her work would be fine.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q My daughter-in-law just gave a baby shower to another of my daughters-in-law - I am not giving another baby shower to the same person - should I invite the daughter-in-law that has already given a baby shower to my baby shower?

A Yes, do invite your daughter-in-law to the baby shower; she will surely appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q There will be two baby showers given for my daughter-in-law. One before by her sister and mother and one after, given by the husbands aunts. Should anyone besides the mothers/sisters of the couple be invited to both?

A The baby shower is in honor of your daughter-in-law so you need to communicate with her to ask her to give you a list starting with her most favorite people. Then when you figure out how many people you can afford to host, invite from the top of her list down.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation List
Q Who should be invited to a baby shower?

A The parents of the baby might be asked to put together a list of their relatives and friends who they would like to have asked to the baby shower. You might give them a number to work with according to the space where you are holding the shower. If the shower is just for women, the mother of the baby would draw up her list from her closest women relatives and friends.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invitation Plus Announcements
Q My sister is expecting her first baby. She is having a baby shower, but not inviting a ton of people. Is it ok to send an annoucement of where they are registered without an invite to the shower?

A In my opinion, the smaller the shower the better. It is fine to send out announcements but you would do so after the baby is born because you are announcing the baby's name, weight, height, and date of birth on the announcement. She can organize the announcement ahead of time and be ready to have it printed when she has that information. She would also include a photo of the baby and her return address on the envelope so that people can send her a gift or card. In my opinion, including registry information is really tacky. By word of mouth, you can get the word out where your sister is registered. If all of her friends are listing their registries, go ahead and do so, but I am not a huge fan.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Invite Etiquette
Q My daughter who lives in Massachusetts is having a baby. A friend in Massachusetts is having a baby shower for her. I live in Iowa. We understand it is proper etiquette to invite the Mom's of the expectant couple to the baby shower even though they would not be attending because of traveling a great distance. But what about a sister-in-law that lives in Iowa. Should she also be invited or is it considered poor taste and does it appear to be looking for only a gift? This sister-in-law did help host a shower earlier for relatives in Iowa. Thanks for your assistance.


A Maybe the bride does not want to send the faraway sister-in-law an invitation because she does not want to seem as if she is fishing for a baby gift. Why don't you pick up the phone and talk to your daughter about the situation? I am sure she would appreciate your input. It may have never crossed your daughter's mind and certainly not the hostess of the shower.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Registry
Q Is it appropriate for me, as a Mom-to-be, to request that guests to my baby shower contribute to my registry rather than bring actual gifts? If so, how should this be worded on the invitation? Thank you.

A Personally, I am a big fan of "the word-of-mouth" in delicate situations such as this. If you tell two good friends where you are registered, they will tell at least two people and they in turn will tell at least two people. Nowadays, the hostess might state at the bottom of the invitation to your shower: Susan is registered at such-and-such.

Entertaining: Baby Shower Return Address
Q I've been helping to plan my baby shower since my mom and my husband's niece are hosting the shower. They don't know each other as well, so I am the go-between. I have probably been doing too much, but I don't mind. We are also having the shower at my house since it is the biggest and we won't have to transport the presents afterwards.

My question is: My husband's niece wants to put my address as the return address on the invitations. I feel this makes it seem like I am giving the shower for myself since we are already having it at our house. Will people think it's tacky that my address is the return address? What is the proper etiquette?


A It does not matter if the return address is your address because the invitations are being sent to your friends and the party is at your house. My concern is who is handling the RSVPs because the RSVP should either be to your mother's telephone or email or your niece's. Both of their names should be on the invitation so they get full credit for hosting the party for you. Why not have the return address be your mother's address?

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Gift Certificate Instead of Baby Registry
Q We are expecting our first baby this fall and a few friends are hosting a baby shower for around 50 friends. How do we ask for gift certificates to baby stores instead of signing up for a baby registery?

A If the parents have not filled out a baby registry anywhere, then the guests will not be able to access a baby registry. Through word of mouth, you can get the word out that gift certificates to baby stores are the parents' preference. The RSVP should be directed to one of the hosts and that person would put the word out. Because you haven't registered, when the person calls to accept the invitation they will ask if there is a baby registry. The friend will respond by saying no there isn't and then she will explain to the guest that you are not registered anywhere but a gift certificate to any baby store would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hosted by Out-Of-Town Sister-In-Law
Q My sister-in law -s having her first baby and nobody near her is throwing her a shower. I feel bad and want to do something, but I live out-of-state. I figured I could drive the few hours and have one for her, but I would have to do so in a restaurant. I can't afford to pay for everyone, so how should I word the invitation. Should I even throw the shower?

A Telephone your sister-in-law and really chat her up; ask her about her support group of friends who are either also pregnant; who is her best friend at work; who just had a baby. Then tell your sister-in-law that you really, really want to host a shower for her but since you don't live nearby, could she suggest one of her friends who might be up to co-hosting a shower in her house. Then call that person, introduce yourself, and tell her that you would like her to host the shower with you. The reason that you need to enlist your sister-in-law's help is because she will know who has the space, the time, and the goodwill to co-host. She might have a friend who would love to give her a shower, but just doesn't want to do it alone. Most showers are hosted by more than one person because it is far more fun and there is less pressure since the responsibilities are shared. The friend that you call might know of someone else that would like to also co-host. It is so nice of you to want to do this for your sister-in-law and I want you to work this out; your heart is in the right place. In my opinion, showers in restaurants are usually not as much fun as those in a private house or apartment. You want your sister-in-law to be relaxed, to put her feet up, and have fun with her friends; that's hard to do in a restaurant situation. You won't know until you start calling around that perhaps a couple of her friends would like to be on the host list. That way the responsibilities can be divided between the friends; as you all work as a team, that team becomes the team that inevitably steps in and pitches in to support your sister-in-law when she brings her new baby home. That's really what you are doing here; brilliant of you. It is not just about the shower, it is about creating the support group that she might need from time to time. What a great sister-in-law you are!

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess
Q Should a mother-in-law give a daughter-in-law a baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family, but if you wish to give a shower, mothers-in-law give them all the time but make sure that you only invite people who are on her guest list. Don't add names to her guest list without consulting her first. The guest list is at the discretion of the baby's mother.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Hostess Gift
Q Is it necessary to give the host of a baby shower a gift and if so, what type of gift is appropriate?

A It depends upon who you are in relation to the situation. If you are a guest, you would only give a gift to the mother for the baby and then send the hostess a thank-you note. If you are the mother-to-be, then you might give your hostess a plant for her garden, a gift certificate at her local book store, or send flowers for the shower followed up with a handwritten thank-you note.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invitation: Not Inviting Children
Q We are throwing a baby shower for a freind who is expecting twins and on the invitation we are asking that no one brings their children. We want to use a clever way to say this on the invites so no one has hurt feelings about their children being unwelcome.
Thanks so much,
Tina



A You're right to want to be upbeat on an invitation, but when you have to set boundaries, it is a delicate situation. Your intentions are good, you want the shower to be all about the new mother. There are a couple ways that you can do this without having the bad vibe "No Children" spelled out on the invitation. Make sure that you schedule the shower at a convenient time for guests with small children. Why not ask several of those mothers who might bring a child to the shower, if not instructed not to, "What day and time would work for you in terms of being able to attend without little Harry, because we want to make it easy for you to have a good time"? Say that there won't be anything for children at the party, so you are not inviting kids. Then once you've figured out the best time, through word of mouth and an invitation, get the word out. When guests call or email you to RSVP, respond accordingly: "I just need to remind you that we're not inviting kids, because we won't be having anything for them in terms of food or entertainment (and my apartment isn't childproofed)." Then you say, "You wouldn't want Harry to be the only kid at a grown-up party."

Additionally, you could design an invitation that says:

Please come and join us
for Laura's last grown-up time
at a Baby Shower for twins
Sunday, October 29th
at six o'clock

RSVP Alice Ross #000-000-1234

You will find that if you schedule the shower at lunchtime (when kids are in school) or at cocktail time (when moms are more apt to have help at home), your guests will be happy to have a bit of grown-up time with friends. Then once you've made it a grown-up party, be sure to have wine on hand for moms who are not pregnant. For stay-at-home moms, mornings might be better; if most of the guests work, weekends will be better.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invtitation: Out of Town Guests
Q Do you invite out of state guests to a baby shower?

A If you know that the out of town guests most likely will not be able to attend the baby shower, but you still want to include the person, you would send a birth announcement with a photo of the newborn. The birth announcement would have the name, date of birth, and weight of the baby, along with the parents' names and sometimes even the names of any siblings. Most people who receive birth announcements will send a baby present. However, do not include on the announcement any reference to a baby registry.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Invtivation List
Q Since my daughter-in-law does not have a friend to host a baby shower, as her mother-in-law, I decided to host one for her. My son and she want to have a couples shower. The list of guests has risen to 50 people. Would it be impolite for me to have her pare down the list? I am hosting the gathering at a restaurant.

Thank you!
Kathy

A In my opinion, family doesn't solicit gifts for family. Ideally, you would ask a good friend, or friends, of yours to host the baby shower and you would offer to pay the expense. Since it sounds as if you have already made plans, by all means go ahead with them.

Although, you need to quickly establish the boundaries for the baby shower. The most important being to establish a budget and deciding after fixing on a budget how many guests that budget allows you to invite. If the invitations have not already been sent, you can certainly specify how many guests you are willing to host.

I know that you probably know this, but I do want to remind you that just because your son and his wife want to invite 50 guests doesn't mean that 50 will attend. If two-thirds of the guests show up, that would be a good showing. Often, especially when a party requires the guest to buy a gift, more people will regret. So, in fact, you might end up with 35 guests. It is always safe to over-invite because if you are paying the restaurant for 35 people and only 25 show up, you might not get a refund because the restaurant will have made the food ahead of time.

The short answer to your very good question is that, if you didn't give your daughter-in-law a total number of people to invite, you need to do that quickly. If having to do that is difficult for you, then take heart in knowing that only two-thirds of those whom you invite will actually accept your kind invitation.

Entertaining: Baby Shower: Out-Of-Town Guests
Q Is it proper to invite people to a shower that you know will not be able to attend due to distance?

A To people who live at a distance whom you know will not be able to attend, the mother would send a birth announcement after the baby is born with the name, weight and date of birthday, along with a photo of the newborn. The mother's name and return address are in the upper right hand corner of the envelope, if the recipient wishes to send a baby present.

Entertaining: Baby Showers
Q Is it proper for a young lady to host a baby shower for her sister? The mother-to-be lives out-of-state, and her sister would like to host a shower where she lives for the mother-to-be's relatives and friends.

A I am sorry, but you are not going to like my answer because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. It would be better to have one of the friends give the shower, and the sister can help subsidize the shower and supply the guest list. In a situation such as this, you would either wait until the sister and her baby visit and have the shower then, or the sister would send birth announcements with a photo of her baby enclosed to those at home. It wasn't crystal-clear to me whether the mother-to- be would be attending the shower, which is why I have given you the alternative solutions.

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Second + Third
Q Hi Didi. Is it proper to have a baby shower for 2nd or 3rd babies? I wasn't sure if you should just hold a baby shower for the first born or a second if they have one. Thank you.

A All babies deserve fresh linens and clothing. The problem is not in whether a shower can be given for a second and third baby, but who hosts the shower. Customarily, close family does not solicit gifts for the baby. So, it is best to have a close friend or, say, a cousin, host the baby shower whether it is in honor of baby number one, two, or three. Be sure that the baby shower focuses in on the camaraderie of the event as opposed to the "booty."

Entertaining: Baby Showers: Thank-You Notes
Q Sending thank-you notes for a baby shower, is it necessary?

A If you were a guest at the baby shower, you do not need to send a thank-you note to the hostess who hosted the baby shower; however, you might telephone her to tell her that you enjoyed yourself and you did a lovely job hosting the shower. If you are the mother and the shower was in your honor, you would send handwritten thank-you notes to the hostess and to all those who gave gifts for your baby.

Entertaining: Bachelor Reciprocating Dinner
Q I'm a single chap of 56, recently divorced, who's moved to a small village. One couple has made me very welcome and has already invited me around for a meal. I would like to reciprocate but my cottage is tiny and besides I can't cook to save my life! Do you think I should just forget about having them round or are they expecting to be invited? Please advise me.

A You can reciprocate by asking the couple to join you for drinks at a local pub or bar that serves a light fare, such as hamburgers. Just call them up and say, "I'm not much of a cook, but I would like to treat you to a beer and hamburgers at the Black Pearl, what would be a good day and time for you and I'll meet you there?"

Arrive early and set up a tab. After seeing what you've ordered, the couple will order in the same price category.

As you will be treating two and they only had to feed one, they will certainly ask you for dinner again, to which you do not have to reciprocate, but of course you can.

Entertaining: Baptism for Twins: Invitation
Q Hello I am making an invitation for twin baby baptism - a boy and a girl. Which name goes first on the invite, the boy or the girl?

A You would list them according to the birth order. If the boy was born first, then you would list his name first.

Since I'm a huge fan of ladies first, I might put her first name first. Nevertheless, since there is no law carved in stone, you could list them as you like.

Entertaining: Baptism Guests
Q Who should you invite to a baptisim, everybody you know or just a few close relatives?

A A baptism is a deeply religious yet joyous occasion to celebrate your baby with close friends and relatives. Traditionally, you would invite the godparents and their spouses for lunch afterwards, along with the child's guardian and any close friends. You would probably feel the most comfortable inviting anyone who was especially kind and caring to you during your pregnancy and who showed a particular interest in the child. You probably would not call up someone on the phone out of the blue and say, "Hey, I just had a baby would you like to come to the baptism?" because it might sound as if you were soliciting for a gift. If you had a baby shower, you would invite the hostess and guests who attended the shower.

Entertaining: Baptism Party: Dress Code: Baby
Q My baby is being baptized on Oct 17 in Napa Valley CA. I have a very beautiful seersucker short-all that I want him to wear after the baptism at the baptism party. Is it okay to put the baby in seersucker in Oct. in California? Given it is a warm day?
Thanks!
Angela Nelson

A Weather in the Napa Valley can be variable in mid-October. It would be best to have a slightly warmer alternative, should the day be dark or blustery. The seersucker short-all should be fine on a warm sunny day, but it would be best to have a long-sleeved cotton sweater on hand in case the facility where the baptism party is taking place is air conditioned.

Entertaining: Bar + Bat Mitzvah Present Cost
Q Our son will most likely be invited to 30 or so bar and bat mitzvahs within the next year. What would an appropriate amount of money be for kids we don't know? Good friends? Best friends? If we're invited as well as our son?

A Customarily, the gift might consist of a gift certificate in the amount of one hundred dollars to a clothing or music store. Figure such celebrations cost the parents one hundred dollars, at least, per guest. So: for each guest there might be a hundred dollar gift certificate. If you would rather give one gift as a family, a savings bond in the child's name is also an acceptable gift; just remember to order the savings bond well ahead of time. If you cannot afford to spend this much, you don't have to. Parents understand that when there are so many bar and bat mitzvahs that the expense to the guest families is huge, so spend only what you feel you can afford.

Entertaining: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Etiquette
Q What is good etiquette for a non-Jewish guest at a bar mitzvah?

A Your host and hostess will be tuned into the fact that some of their guests are not Jewish and you will be instructed accordingly. Watch what other people are doing and follow the lead of the host and hostess. Be sure to send the teenager a present that costs approximately the value of what the host and hostess spend on each guest. So: if you think your seated dinner cost $150., then your gift or gift certificate might reflect that cost.

It is important to attend the deeply religious ceremony at the temple because the child has been studying his lessons for months and memorized his recitation. If a man does not have a yarmulka, he will be offered a skullcap to wear when entering the synagogue. After the ceremony often the congregation meets to congratulate the new member before going on to a seated luncheon or formal dinner. So, be prepared for a service that might last up to three hours, but under no circumstances can a guest bypass the ceremony and just attend the reception. The formal dinner might be quite dressy, so dress accordingly; however, you would want to have your arms properly covered while you are in the temple.

Entertaining: Bar Mitvahs Are Not a Booty Call
Q My sister had a bar mitvah for her son. One of the guests gave a gift on behalf of her family, which included a married son and a 25 year old son who is a lawyer. All recieved their own invitations to the event. We did not think this was appropriate. What are you thoughts? Should my sister have said anything? How should this be handled in the future?

A Appreciate and accept all gifts gratefully and gracefully. People do the best they can and when they receive a social bid to attend a bar mitzvah, they respond to the best of their ability. Bar mitzvahs are a religious celebration, not a booty call. You ladies should be ashamed of yourselves, think of the petty example you are setting for your children. Let it go.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Etiquette: Reciprocation
Q My son is friends with a few kids who have invited our entire family to their Bar Mitzvah party. We are not social friends. Are we obligated to invite the families to our son's Bar Mitzvah?

Do we need to invite people we carpool with but do not otherwise socialize with?

Thank you.

A If your kids attend their Bar Mitzvah party, then you would reciprocate by inviting those same kids to your son's Bar Mitzvah. But not to worry, you don't have to invite the kids' parents. You can, but you don't have to invite them. However, you do have to invite the kids.

Entertaining: Bar Mitzvah Invitation When Parents Are Divorced
Q Our divorced son is planning a Bar Mitzvah for his son. Our son is paying for the entire affair. Our son has joint custody of his children but his ex-wife is not sharing in the expense of the affair. How does he word the invitation?

A If the mother was estranged from her son and your son had custody of his son, then your son's ex-wife's would not have to appear on the invitation. However, if the boy's mother has joint custody and therefore is a part of her son's life, then both parents' names would appear on the invitation but not necessarily on the same line. So: the first line of the invitation would have the mother's given name, maiden name, and last name, preceded by Mrs.

Mrs. Amanda Ross Asher
Mr. Richard Levine Asher
request the honour of your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah of their son

Entertaining: Bartender at Home Party and Tips
Q At a home cocktail party, is it permissable for the bartender to have a tip cup?

A No, if you have hired the bartender, you are paying him by the hour and he would not be allowed to solicit tips.

Entertaining: Bat Mitzvah Guest Wants Date
Q I am having a Bat Mitzvah for my daughter. I have limited space for the evening affair. I have invited family, friends and my daughter's friends. I invited about 10 single guests, some with dates and some not. Those whom I have invited with dates are engaged, have a serious relationship or dating someone. One of my girlfriends who has been separated for about 2 months is very upset I did not invite her with a date. She is not divorced as of yet and has not started dating. I explained to her that I have limited space and, if I invited dates with all the single people who are not in relationships, I would have to take someone off my list whom I want to be there and whom I care about, in order for her to bring a stranger I do not know. She told me that she is hurt, that I should read an etiquette book and that if I was a good friend, I would care about her happiness at the party. I replied that if she was a friend, she would realize that this party is not about her and she should come how she is invited and be there to enjoy this special celebration in my life. Am I wrong?

A You need to remind your friend that the Bat Mitzvah is about your daughter and that it is not a matchmaking social situation. Tell her that as soon as her lawyer gives her the go ahead and she can be seen dating in public, you will set her up with a date. Don't let her bully you.

Entertaining: BBQ Barbecue Pot Luck or Present
Q If invited to a birthday BBQ and host asks you to bring a side dish...is this proper? My sister-in-law says it's rude. I was always taught if a meal is being served, do not go empty handed. Which is correct?

A You are both right. It depends upon the situation. It is better to entertain and ask people to help out then to never entertain at all because you cannot afford to do so, or you do not have the time to do all the work yourself. When asking people to contribute to the meal, the host needs to communicate with the guest to get a feel for what they are willing to contribute. For instance if so-and-so makes fabulous potato salad or deviled eggs, ask her to bring enough for a certain amount of people. If you do not have a suggestion, then give the guest an option of bringing cookies from a bakery or a bottle of wine. In theory, if you are inviting people to a birthday party and asking them to bring food, you cannot expect the guest to bring both food and a present. So, if you bring food, you do not need also to bring a birthday gift because the food is your gift. However, if you opt not to bring food, you might want to bring a birthday present. So: do not go empty handed. Perhaps you might communicate with the host and say, "I have a special birthday present in mind for you, would you rather I bring a side dish or the special present?"

Entertaining: Birthday for Ninety-Year-Old Mom
Q I am planning a 90th birthday celebration for my Mom. She is in alot of organizations. I have narrowed it down to her remiaing high school classmates, her local college alumnae group, her sorority, her former students from the small rural high school where she taught, her church members and close friends and community people that have impacted on her when I am visiting her at home. This is getting expensive. Do I have to invite the spouses of members of the sorority and college alumnae group since these are all female organizations? I am aware that a formal invitation (such as a wedding) would require that the spouses be invited. Does it hold true for informal situations?
Treda

A Whether or not you invite the spouses or partners, largely depends upon the venue of the party and the nature of your mother's acquaintances. For instance, if it is a tea party, you could make it a ladies' tea, then some of the ladies who are used to being driven by their husbands can carpool. If it is an evening party, you might find that most of the older people will want to bring an escort, or driver, and that most of the younger people will want to bring their spouse, partner or date. If you really want to control the numbers, you might have a ladies' lunch with an RSVP. On the envelope you would write just the name of the person whom you are inviting; for instance, Mrs. John Smith. That way Mrs. Smith will know that she is invited but her husband is not. The other route is to make it an old-fashioned garden party with a bar and tea sandwiches, cookies and other finger food set out on a table. That way people will "stop by to show their face (or to show their respect)," with or without their spouse. Remember that if you have an RSVP, and you only address the envelope to one spouse, you are making it crystal-clear that just that person is invited. By word of mouth, the word will get out that, for instance, it is a Ladies Garden Party, tea or luncheon. If the invitation is for a "Cocktail buffet," it is more than likely that the person will want their spouse to accompany him or her. Since I don't know your mum or the location and time of the party, I would recommend that you hold it in the afternoon. Most older people tend to "sundown" around three o'clock, meaning that by six, they are basically too tired and are really only interested in having dinner and going to bed. A lot of older people also have trouble driving after dark. If your mother was active in her church, why not have a simple buffet luncheon after church, that way most of the guests are dressed appropriately and are out and about anyway.

Entertaining: Birthday Gift for Fifty-Year-Old Woman
Q What do you give someone (her) for a surprise 50th Birthday? This person is not a close friend but is a friend of the family.

A Most people at that age are getting rid of "stuff." Why not give her a small box of lovely, handcrafted chocolates. Artisan chocolates are usually packaged chicly, so you will not have to bother to wrap the box. No more than fifteen pieces. Another nice gift is a box of handmade soaps. If you know her taste in music, a CD; or what she likes to read, a book.

Entertaining: Birthday Gifts for Triplets
Q I have five-year-old triplet boys who are wanting to have a party for their sixth birthday to which they can invite their friends. Until now their parties have included only family. They are in separate classes and don't have all the same friends; however, I didn't want to send out separate invitations for each child because if one doesn't get the same number of gifts as the other(s), there will definitely be hurt feelings. I know they have to learn that things aren't always fair and equal but I'd rather it be at another time. All three of them do not always get invited to the same parties and they deal with it ok but I don't think this would be the same. My question concerns the gifts. I would prefer that gifts be limited to one gift for all three of the boys. I would like for guests to spend only what they would for a single gift and then put all three of the boys names on the gift. I know that having all three of the boys' names on the invitation will make people think they should bring three separate gifts, even if their child doesn't know but one of them.

Is it inappropriate to put all three names on all the invitations and note on the invitation that three individual gifts are not necessary? Also, how can this be worded so they don't feel they need to buy one expensive gift? I don't want to alienate the families of any of the boys' friends. I know from my baby shower experiences that some people get upset at the idea of giving three gifts. I wanted the invitations to my baby showers to note that three gifts were not necessary; however, the people hosting the parties didn't want to do that. Remarks were made about the number of items on gift registries and I was accused of expecting too much. Feelings were hurt and friends were lost. My boys have to go to school with the other children so I don't want to risk getting their feelings hurt.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Carol Odom
codom@insightbb.com

A All three names should be on the invitations. You might include a sentence such as this on the invitation: Less is more for Bill, Jake, and Max, who will be happy with just one gift to share between the three of them.

Entertaining: Birthday Party at a Restuarant Who Pays
Q When invited to a birthday party at a resturant, who should pay for dinner?

A The person who does the inviting pays for the guests. The exception would be if the person is "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" birthday party, as opposed to "giving" a birthday party.

Entertaining: Birthday Present Eitquette
Q When should you open presents at a birthday dinner?

A It would depend upon the age of the birthday person and the total venue of the party. It would be far too stimulating to open gifts at a todlder's birthday party, because the guests might have a hard time letting go of the gifts they gave. I am not a huge fan or opening any kind of gifts at a party. The older the guests, the less interested they tend to be in sitting around watching the birthday person pretend that he likes the gift. Put the gifts away and save them to open until after the guests have gone home. Also, it makes those who have not brought a present uncomfortable to sit through such a scene, and don't forget: it is the host's job to make sure that all of his or her guests are comfortable. If the opening of the presents is the only event you have going for you at the party, then open them after the cake has been served.

Entertaining: Black Linen Napkins
Q Dined at a restaurant last weekend. Hostess asked if we would prefer black napkins instead of the white that were on the table. Both me and my husband were wearing black that evening. Why did they ask if we prefer black napkins?

A When not high quality linen and new, white napkins shed. I've found a black skirt covered with white lint several times at the end of a meal. It sounds as if the restaurant has had several complaints about their new napkins from people wearing black and are giving diners the option of a black napkin.

Entertaining: Black Tie Invite
Q How do you specify to guests that a wedding is a formal or black tie occasion?

A At the bottom of your invitation, across from the RSVP in the right-hand corner, you would have the words: Black Tie

Entertaining: Blackballing Son's Father at Birthday Party
Q I don't want to invite my son's father to his birthday party as most of the guests do not care for him, nor do I. How do I handle this?

A First, you have to decide if your son's birthday party is about you, or if it is about your son's birthday. Don't make the son's birthday a metaphor. Birthdays, weddings, milestones are a time to mend breaches within the family. Take advantages of this milestone, be a good mother role model and go up the ladder. Good manners and etiquette are all about consideration and compassion. As the role model here, you need to decide how to help people communicate, even if it is for just one special day: your son's birthday.

Entertaining: Booty at Baptism
Q I will be baptising my two sons soon. Although they are both being baptised on the same day and we are having one celebration party, how do I go about telling people that when giving gifts to please give each child a gift separately? ( I would rather them each get a card/gift instead of a combined gift)

A One does not ask for a gift for a baptism. It is a deeply religious ceremony and it is not about the booty. If you wish to send out an invitation, you would include both boys' names on two separate lines. Your guests will get the cue that there are two sons being baptized by the wording on your invitation. After the church ceremony, the family traditionally invites people back to the house and treats them to lunch for kindly attending the baptism. Don't forget, during the ceremony your guests will be expected to put money in the plate for the baptism. A baptism is not a birthday party.

Entertaining: Boxing Day Party: Open House
Q What is Boxing Day? Is it pretentious to celebrate a holiday that isn't truly yours?

A It is on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, December 26th, the "feast of Stephen," when "Good King Wenceslas" looked out and saw the snow, "deep and crisp and even". He was thus reminded that the cold brought on hunger and he had his servants bring pine logs, food, and wine to be given to the poor. This charitable day is similar to Maundy Thursday before Easter when the queen gives alms (small coins) to the poor, except everyone can give on Boxing Day. In the 19th century, the "boxes" at Boxing Day were literally boxes of gifts of money given to the families of people who worked for you. Additionally the servants would go around to the local vendors and be given more money in the hope that the servant would remain a customer for his master; thus, by the end of the century, the birth of after Christmas sales and the ritual of the end of the year bonus. The "box" was always a present from a superior person to an inferior person whether it was a master/ servant or parent/child relationship. Now we give tips to house cleaners, mailmen, doormen, hairdressers, janitors and handymen, but before Christmas so that the person has the extra cash for gifts for his/her family. And in Great Britain Boxing Day is the day to take children to see their grandparents. At a time when Christmas is more for close family, Boxing Day is when we reach out to extended family members and friends. Celebrating with an open house has become a custom at Christmas, whether it is a cocktail party before or after Christmas.

The open house is just what it says, the host's house is open to guests to come and go between one specific time and another. No exchange of gifts is warranted, but often the host will have favors for children, and there is an abundance of cocktail buffet-style food and drinks. Tagging your open house "Boxing Day" does not seem pretentious at all as it stems from a centuries old custom. Just be sure that you have a definition when one of your guests asks about how the custom of celebrating "Boxing Day" evolved.

Entertaining: Boy Meets Girl's Dad Over Dinner
Q I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time this evening. They are flying into New York for the weekend and will be dining with us twice. Who is expected to pick up the tab for dinner? I'm not being cheap!! I will gladly buy dinner both nights!! I just don't want to insult anybody or break form. Please help!! I like this girl.. want to make a good impression! ps dinner is in 10 hours!

A Go up the ladder. Be generous; however, if he looks and talks as if he (the dad) is rich, paying for a dinner may not be big a deal. He is checking you out, so: you offer. If he puts his credit card out, being the elder, you accept gratefully. Don't take his generosity for granted. The truly gentlemanly thing to do might be to excuse yourself to the men's room and ask to pay the check leaving your card with the waiter. That's style. But don't do it twice because it might be perceived as tacky. If you are having two meals, you might pay for one discreetly, like the gentleman that you are. Since he is older and can afford the trip, let him pay for the second meal or vice versa.

Entertaining: Bread + Butter Plate
Q When setting a dinner table, which side of your place setting should the 'bread' plate be situated?

A The bread and butter plate is placed in the upper left hand corner of your place setting. If you have butter knives, place one on each plate.

Entertaining: Bread Basket: Keeping Bread and Rolls Warm
Q Is it O.K. to line a bread basket with linen table cloths? If not, what do I line it with?

A Absolutely, line the bread basket with a 'linen' table napkin. Place the 'linen' napkin in the basket, add the warmed sliced bread or rolls, then use the corners of the napkin to cover the bread and rolls in order to keep them warm.

Entertaining: Briefcase at the Table
Q Should one bring a folder/briefcase to the dining table? Yes or no?

A In my opinion, you would not bring a folder, briefcase, laptop, or any reading material to the dining table. Why? Because dining is an opportunity to communicate orally. Also, dietitians say that being distracted from what you are eating insures that the diner will eat more than he or she needs, which could lead to indigestion. Set boundaries of behavior at your dinner table: no TV, no reading, no laptop, no cellphone. Most important, dining is one of the few chances that we get today to interact face-to-face. Focus your conversation on news globally as well as on your school and community. Although it is not the place necessarily to resolve family problems, it can be a venue in which to bond family members through positive feedback. How was your day? What was best about your day? Did anything interesting, funny, or unusual happen today? What did you learn today that surprised you?

Entertaining: Briefcase While Dining
Q Should I take a briefcase/folder to the dining table?

A It depends upon the situation. If you are dining at home and you are alone, of course it would be all right; however, if there is anyone else at the table, you would focus on having an interesting conversation with that person.

On the other hand, if this is a business breakfast or lunch, after the food has been cleared from the table, it is fine to open your briefcase/folder to take out a paper to discuss. It is best to ask permission from your breakfast/lunch partner first, especially if discussing business hadn't been part of the agenda.

Customarily, a person checks his/her briefcase in the restaurant cloak room and, if papers are to be handed over or gone over, it is done on the way out of the restaurant. That is why restaurants in hotels are best suited for business dinners because there are usually seating areas in the lobby where one can open a briefcase and have a discussion in semi-privacy.

Excuse this rather general answer, but as I said, it depends upon the circumstances, location, and time of day. For instance, you might take your briefcase to the table when meeting a client for breakfast or lunch, but if you are meeting that client for dinner, you would check your briefcase in the cloak room. If there isn't a cloak room, then you would place your briefcase/folder under your chair. Either way, the briefcase/folder would never be on the dining table unless you were at home alone. In a restaurant, it would be placed under your chair.

Entertaining: Bringing Food
Q When asking a person to "bring a dessert" to a social gathering, is it proper to tell them specifically what dessert to bring, as in "you bring cannolis"?

A Except, what if they don't like cannolis or they don't know where to buy them? Why not ask your guests what there favorite dessert is and then ask them to bring it. If they say coconut cake, and another guest is already bringing one, then say as much and ask for a second choice.

Entertaining: Bringing Food to Catered Event
Q When attending a catered event, is it improper to bring outside food?

A I would have to know more about the circumstances to give you the answer you need. It would depend upon whether or not the other guests were bringing food. If the host has hired a caterer, the food and drinks are organized and all you need to do is show-up. If it is a birthday or shower, you might bring a present, but find out first. The problem with bringing food if you have not been asked to do so, is that you would be stepping on the caterers, so to speak. The host doesn't want sixteen salads and ten pasta dishes but no beef, so the host is in control. The next day you might telephone the host to thank him or send a handwritten note. I would say bringing food to a catered event is improper.

Entertaining: Bringing Present for the Boss
Q We are attending a wedding anniversary this weekend for my boyfriend's boss. I believe it is their 50th. Do we bring a gift, a card or what is the proper thing to do?

A Yes, you might take a best selling novel or mystery as a gift and a funny card. Because your host is the boyfriend's boss, you wouldn't want to buy anything extravagant because it might seem as if he was buttering up the boss. The important thing is not the present, which really is not necessary, but the thank-you notes you both write the next day.

Entertaining: Brunch
Q I am to host a "bruch" for our book club at my home and wasn't sure exactly what time bruch is supposed to start. I am also at a loss for what to serve to eat or drink...help me!

A Do you mean you are hosting a "brunch"? Brunches last about two hours and are held anytime between ten o'clock in the morning and one in the afternoon. You would serve coffee, juice, and pastries or donuts from your local bakery. If you wanted to get out the nice plates and silverware, you could serve quiche and a green salad followed by cookies and fruit salad. If your guests are expecting drinks, you would make up a pitcher of Bloody Marys or serve a chilled rose or white wine, for instance a Chardonnay is always popular.

Entertaining: Buffet: Place Cards or Not
Q Should you use place cards for seating when you are serving buffet outdoors?

A It would depend upon the formality of the buffet. For instance, if you have tables set with cloths, utensils, glasses, napkins, and waiters in attendance, you might want to assign tables and/or seats with place cards; that way people will find their seat, leave their shawl and evening bag at their place before helping themselves at the buffet. Otherwise, when you have an informal buffet, people are more apt just to sit in the nearest empty seat because nobody likes wondering around looking for their place card while balancing plate, utensils, napkin and glass. If there are a lot of people over sixty years of age, a considerate host might assign older guests a seat at a table near the buffet.
So, the short answer is this: if you have a congenial group of guests under seventy, you might not need place cards. However, if you have older people, it would be better to reserve seats for them by the buffet by assigning all seats with place cards.

Entertaining: Business: Invitation: Including Spouses and Partners for Dinner
Q We are a business and sending out invitations to a new restaurant in our complex for free dinner & drinks on the owner. Many of the recipients are females. We want to include their husbands but do not know any first names for envelopes. How do you address this when many invitations will be sent to the the female's business address -

Is Mrs. & Mr. Alison _________ correct?

A Proper etiquette dictates that you would have an administrative assistant phone or e-mail the invitee (or her assistant) to find out exactly how she and her husband or partner like to be addressed for social occasions: Mr. and Mrs. William E. Shakespeare? Or Ms. Edith Wharton and Mr. Charles Dickens?

If you are spending money to entertain clients, don't skimp on making the invitee feel special and find out how she wishes to be addressed socially. Depending upon the directory, you can often find that information in your local phone book or on-line white pages. Remember that the first duty of a good host is to make each and every guest feel as though she is special. The second thing you need to do is to get an accurate count of how many guests you will be feeding because the chef is going to want to know the numbers by a certain date.

Alternatively, if this is just a "cattle call" and the purpose of the dinner is to fill up seats and space, you can just address the envelope to the invitee followed by the words, "and Guest." You would also include that information on the invitation in your RSVP line. For instance:

RSVP: By June tenth for you and one guest to 212-835-9000.

However, if it is a seated dinner with place cards, you will certainly want to know the correct spelling of each guest's name. By enclosing a reply card (with a self-addressed return envelope) where the invitee fills out her name, you can include a line underneath that says, "Guest's name."

As I don't know the level of formality of the dinner, this is a rather windy answer. There are levels of formality and how you address the envelope to the invitee would reflect that formality.

Entertaining: Butter Knife Etiquette
Q Type your question here...
When and how do you use a butter knife as opposed to a table knife and is it proper to leave a table knife on the butter plate for multiple uses?

A The butter knife stays on the butter plate. You would not use the butter knife for anything other than buttering your bread, roll or toast. You would not, for instance, use your butter knife as a pusher to load your fork with food on your dinner plate. Nor would you use your butter knife to cut, say, a piece of sole or to shorten the length of your pasta. They call it a butter knife because it is just used for butter.

Entertaining: Butter Knives
Q When eating at a fine restaurant and each person has his own butter knife, what is the right way to butter a roll...I have always thought you only pick up the butter with the butter knife and then use your main knife to spread the butter???

A You pick up the butter knife from the butter plate and return it to the butter plate after buttering your roll. Remember to break off a piece of your roll and put the rest of the roll back on the butter plate before buttering the piece of roll you are preparing to eat. You would only use the meat knife to butter your roll, if there were no butter knife.

Entertaining: Buying Tables+ Who Pays
Q When "Buying" a table for a function, are the people invited to sit with you expected to purchase tickets also?

A When you are invited to sit with someone who has bought a table, it is a social bid. You would reciprocate by inviting that person to something, anything at another time. You would, however, send a thank-you note, or at the very least, telephone the next day to thank the person for including you. If, on the other hand, the person is "organizing" the buying of a table for a function, then that person would tell you the cost of the ticket, so that you can pay for your own ticket(s). That person might have said, "Do you want to go in on a table for such-and-such?" or, "I am organizing a table for such-and-such, would you and your husband like to sit with us?"

Entertaining: BYOB Baby Shower
Q I'm hosting a couples evening baby shower. We're planning on inviting approximately 10 couples. I'm planning on providing appetizers, soft drinks, etc. Would it be rude to ask guests to bring an alcoholic beverage of their choice?

A Yes, it might be rude to ask guests to bring their own alcoholic beverage. The only trouble with thinking that you've asked guests to BYOB is what do you do when people forget to bring an alcoholic beverage, ask for a drink, and you have nothing to serve them because everyone is hoarding their own bottle? When you host a shower, you are inviting people to bring a present for the baby. In return, the generous guest who has brought the requisite gift, should not also be asked to bring their own booze. If they are required to bring their own booze, then the gift for the baby might be "watered down." Perhaps, if you cannot afford to buy wine and beer for the guests, you might ask one of the other couples or one of the baby's godparents to host the party with you and you divvy up the expenses. Alternatively, you might make a hugely delicious rum punch, then by word-of-mouth you might tell guests when they RSVP that you are serving rum punch but they are welcome to bring whatever they want to drink. The purpose of the baby shower is to help the parents prepare for their new baby in a realaxed and fun manner.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for an RSVP
Q What is appropriate action for a host to take, if he/she hasn't received a rsvp to an invitation by the deadline date and a specific number is required at facility of the event?

A My dear, you have every right to call the person on the phone to ask if they received your invitation. Just say that you have to give the caterer a specific count for the menu and leave it at that. You are totally in your rights here, so do not hesitate to get your count.

Entertaining: Calling Guests for Head Count
Q In a catered affair, charge per head, is it inappropriate to call them and ask if they are coming or not to get a head count? Many times people do not call to let you know and then they show up.

A By all means, you have a perfect right to call and ask who is coming because you will need to tell the restaurant, caterer, or private club an exact count. If you approximate and less people show up, you will have to pay for the dinner of the no-shows. People know this, so don't be emabarrased to call your guests. Naughty them for not calling you first.

Entertaining: Can Granny Give Baby Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the grandmother to give a baby shower for her daughter-in-law an soon to be grandbaby?

A I am sure your daughter-in-law would greatly appreciate your generosity in giving her a baby shower. It is totally appropriate for you to be the hostess: she is extraordinarily fortunate to have your support.

Entertaining: Can I Charge for a Wine Tasting?
Q Is it bad etiquette to charge people to come to a home wine tasting party?

A No, it would not be bad etiquette, but you would have to make it perfectly clear that you are "charging admission" to the wine tasting. You also might sweeten the deal by saying that you will be serving food with the wine. You will also have to decide if they need to pay in advance, or if you will be accepting money at the door.

Entertaining: Candles
Q Should candles be lit during the day? I read somewhere that candles should only be used during the evening, yet I see candles in use during luncheons and receptions in the day time.

A It depends upon the situation. Candles can add a certain amount of festivity to light up the occasion. Most restaurant and clubs do not use candles during the day; however, if it is a festive occasion and they are part of the decor, especially in a darkish room with horrid overhead lights, why not?

Entertaining: Cards + Dinner
Q When at a dinner party, is it considered bad manners for someone to break away with a few others for a card game?

A If in the invitation it was made clear that there would be cards after dinner, then it is not rude. If at dinner it is a majority decision to play cards after dinner, it is not rude.
If some guests just randomly go off and play cards, that is incredibly rude.

Entertaining: Cash as Housewarming Gift
Q What is the proper wording to use to ask guest for a monetarium as a housewarming gift?

A At the bottom of the invitation to your housewarming party, you would print: In lieu of gifts, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Entertaining: Cash Bar
Q Is a cash bar appropriate; does this mean guests pay for soda as well as liquor? Should guests be informed before the reception there will be a cash bar?

A The problems with having a cash bar are twofold: you cannot expect people to bring a gift when you are asking them to pay for their own drinks. If you do have a cash bar, then you need to make it clear to your guests that they will have to come prepared to pay for all beverages they consume. Is a cash bar appropriate? It depends, for instance if you are holding a fundraiser, then a cash bar helps to raise more money for the charity. However if you are hosting a wedding reception, anniversary, or birthday celebration, you cannot expect people to bring gifts and also ask them to pay for their drinks so: you will need in say something like this on the invitation: In lieu of a gift, there will be a cash bar.

Entertaining: Cash Bar Birthday
Q Is it inappropriate to have a cash bar at a 40th birthday party? Heavy appetizers will be provided at no cost to the guests.

A Yes, it is all right to host a cash bar at a birthday party; however, you will need to state "cash bar" on the invitation so your guests will come prepared to pay for their own drinks. Also, if you are making it a cash bar party, you cannot expect guests to bring a birthday present as well as pay for their drinks.

Entertaining: Cash for Housewarming Gift
Q For a housewarming party, my cousin wants to know how to ask her guests for a monetary gift instead of actually receiving a gift. She just bought a house, has everything for her new home. She would like her friends and family to help her with the mortgage for the first month; whatever they were going to spend on a gift, that they just make it a monetary gift. Please advise.

A If your cousin is sending out invitations, she can put these words at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a gift, a small check towards our mortgage would be greatly appreciated. That way when people are stuffing checks in her pocket, she will know by the name on the check whom to thank and for how much.

Entertaining: Catching the Server's Attention
Q Is it polite to wave one's hand in a restaurant to obtain the waiter or waitress' attention? My daughter, who is now an engineer but was a waitress while in college, states that it is customary to wait until the waitress comes to your table because she is so busy with all her duties. If it is polite to signal the waiter or waitress during the meal, how should this be done? When dining with my mom and dad, Kristyn cringes because my dad snaps his fingers and calls out "Miss?" Thank you for your response in advance.

A It is customary to try to get the attention of the server by making eye contact. The person who has the best visibility towards the servers' area might be designated to make the contact if the host is facing away. If eye contact does not work, raising a hand is appropriate. It that does not work, as the server passes, you might say, "Excuse me, could be please bring the check." Snapping fingers is not nice. Alternatively, it might be better for him to go to the men's room and speak to the waiter on his way out or on his way back to the table.

Entertaining: Celebrating 50th Anniversary
Q We are giving our parents a 50th wedding anniversary party. On the favors and napkins do we put the date of the marriage or the date of the 50th anniversary?

A Often for 50th anniversaries the original wedding colors, music, and even the theme of the cake are reproduced. Bridal party members are invited and there are photographs of the wedding, as well as more recent photos of family events. On the favors and napkins, you would either use what was on the wedding favors and napkins originally, which might have been their monogram, or the date. You can even put, say, May 10, 1940-2010. Or 5/10/40-5/10/10. To answer your specific question, if you are reproducing the wedding theme as much as possible, you would put the date of the wedding. If you were integrating more recent themes, say, golfing or sailing, you might use the date of the anniversary, but you would have to state anniversary as in May, 10, 2010, and then on the next line 50th Anniversary.

Entertaining: Celebrating Baby's Christening
Q Where is it most common to celebrate after a baby's christening, the parents' home, a restaurant or a hall?

A It is always preferable to go back to a private home after the christening because the children in tow might be over-stimulated and need to be feed or laid down for a nap, or both. It is customary to invite the godparents and their spouses and children, as well as close relatives and friends for lunch or tea, depending on the time of day. If the children are older, a familiar restaurant might be a festive way to celebrate over a relaxed lunch. If you have a parent who might like to host such a celebration, all the better. Often something as elegant and simple as inviting people back for a glass of champagne and sugar coated almonds is a tradition that says enough. As favors, you might give everyone a small bag of the pastel colored almonds tied with a ribbon. Almond blossoms are a pretty pink and almond hulls are a wonderful green, so you might use those colors for the fabric on the bag and the tied bows. Almonds are actually an edible seed, which of course symbolizes birth. If you do want to have a more formal celebration, it is traditional to have the parents cut a white cake, symbolic of their wedding cake, decorated with the baby's initials. The godparents would then give a champagne toast to the baby followed by other toasts from family and friends.

Entertaining: Champagne Glass Etiquette
Q I never know whether to hold a champagne glass by the stem or the bowl. How do they hold a champagne glass in Newport?

A If you want to ensure that champagne stays chilled while you're drinking it, hold the glass or flute by the stem; the heat from your hand on the bowl of the glass will warm it up. Champagne should be chilled to 45 degrees Fahrenheit before being served.

Entertaining: Charger + Salad Plate + Dinner Plate
Q When setting a formal table and placing the salad plate on top of the dinner plate - do you then eat your salad on top of the dinner plate or does the hostess remove the dinner plate.

A Actually, the salad plate is not set on top of the dinner plate. The large plate (as you call it) underneath is called a "charger." The salad plate would be chilled and the dinner plate would be quite warm. The charger might stay on the table as a coaster for the hot plate, or be removed with the first course.

Entertaining: Charger Etiquette
Q Is is ever proper to leave the chargers on the table when having a formal dinner party at home?

A You would leave the chargers on the table through the first course and take them off when the dinner plate is placed. The reason for this is because during the meat course, the cutting of the meat often causes the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a rather noisy formal dinner plate. The charger is not a placemat. It is to hold, say, a hot bowl of soup or a cold plate of oysters. Is it ever proper? Perhaps, at a luncheon when the entree is cheese souffle and knives are not needed.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When are chargers removed from the table?

A Chargers or service plates, as these oversized plates are also called, can either be at your place when you are seated or brought before the first course. The first course and then the second course plate is then placed on top of the charger. They usually remain on the table for the first two courses; however, it is at the discretion of the hostess. For instance, if the charger is made of pewter or silver and cutting meat on the porcelain plate causes the porcelain to shift around on the metal, the charger might be taken away before that course. The purpose of the charger is to protect the hot plate from marring the dining table through the tablecloth.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q When setting a table, what is the purpose of a "charger" plate and where would it be put? Thank you for your help.

A The charger is a large porcelain plate twelve inches in diameter which sits on top of the placemat and under the dinner plate. Traditionally, it is at your place setting when you sit down and stays on the table until the dinner plate is taken away, but situations may vary. For instance, in a restaurant the charger might be taken away with the first course. In the past, chargers made of pewter, silver or gold were often left on the table throughout the meal as a placemat when chargers were used as coasters for plates. People who serve hot dinner plates like using chargers because they act as a buffer between the hot dinner plate and the dinner table saving the table from being scorched by the hot plate. Nowadays, contemporary chargers might be square, rectangular, triangular or oval-shaped and made of ceramic.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q How are "chargers" at dinner used properly? Do you remove them before your guests eat?

A Chargers are the focus of the place setting when the guests are seated. Either the napkin or the first course plate is on the charger or served shortly after the guests are seated. The charger is cleared when the entree arrives because the noise from the clanking of the plate against the charger while cutting meat can be rather noisy at a dinner party.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q What is the proper procedure for using charger plates for a semi-formal dinner?

A Chargers are on the table when the guests are seated. The first course plate is placed on top of the charger either before or after guests are seated. The charger is removed when the entree is served. You would not put the dinner plate on top of the charger because, when the guest cuts his meat, the friction from the cutting can cause the dinner plate to clank against the charger making for a very noisy dinner table. Chargers are not placemats. The purpose of the charger is to help to keep either the cold plate of the cold first course cold or the hot plate of the first course hot.

Entertaining: Chargers
Q I'm planning a prom dinner for my son and seven guests. What is the proper way to use a charger? Is it removed after the salad is served and just the dinner plate placed in its place? Thank you. Louise

A Yes, with one hand you remove the salad plate and the charger, with the other hand you place the dinner down in front of the guest.

Entertaining: Charity Etiquette
Q We are having a scholarship ball for our university and in the past we've always had an open bar. This year, there will be a cash bar following the cocktail hour. What is the proper way to word this in our invitation? Do we note open bar during the cocktail hour and assume guests will know it's a cash bar during the dinner and dancing, or do we indicate on the invite when the open bar takes place and when the cash bar start?

What's the proper wording for an invitation?

Thanks.

A Sorry, but the situation is not clear to me. If you are charging guests to attend the ball, you cannot also expect them to pay cash for their drinks. It would be better to raise the price of the ticket and include all drinks. People get annoyed when they think that they have paid for their evening then all of a sudden they have to spend twenty bucks for a couple of drinks. If you are trying to raise money for scholarships, then you want to promote the good feeling of being generous. You want to give your ticket buyers their money's worth so that they will want to support the scholarship next year. Don't fleece them on the small stuff, if you're looking for big donations.

Entertaining: Cheese with Salad or Fruit
Q Is a cheese/fruit course served before or after dessert?

A Cheeses are served along with either the salad, after the main course, or accompanying fruit following the dessert course. Used as a digestive, an assortment of three cheeses in a variety of textures and flavors is served immediately after the salad or fruit has been presented. So, when the dessert plates are cleared, the fruit is served followed by the cheeses.

Entertaining: Children as Hosts for Parents
Q Is it proper for your children to have a no host dinner at a restaurant for your 25th anniversary?

A Unless the children intend to act as collective hosts, it would seem to me proper to have someone be named to host the toasts. It is nice to think that the children are thinking about their parents. Without knowing more of the specifics, I can't say much more.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Parties
Q I will celebrate my son's 4th birthday soon. I'd like to know if it ts ok not to open the presents during the party. I would prefer to do it afterwards. Are there certain etiquette rules I should follow?



A In my opinion, you would not do the opening of the gifts during the party. You would save them for later. After such a stimulating time, the child will crash from the excitement. Take time bringing the gifts out for him to unwrap but do not use them as a ploys. Remember they are his and they have already been given to him. Make him take part in making a list of who gave him what so that he can send thank-yous to his friends. Be sure that he discusses each gift and tells you why he likes it. Let him pick out his thank-you notes and make his mark or sign his name on the card. His name on the return address will tell the parent that your son sent the thank-you note to their child. Remember at the start of the party, when the guests begin arriving, to remind your son that his friends have picked out special gifts just for him so that he needs to thank each guest for their gift. There are a whole lot of other reasons why you wouldn't have the gift opening an activity at the party. Firstly, most kids (and grownups) don't really get a kick out of watching other people open presents; a problem can arise if there are two presents that are the same; if a present is not great, one of the other guests might comment on it; you do not want the gift giving to be a competition; you do not want a child to feel bad because his gift did not stack up to the other gifts. Your son should try to greet his friends when they arrive and he should try to be around to say good-bye to each and every one of them when they leave. Children's birthday parties are a window or opportunity to teach children about being gracious and generous, being a giver, when he passes out the party bags, as well as being on the receiving end. It is also an opportunity to teach kids about being a host and the importance of making each and every guest feel special even though it is your son's birthday. It goes without saying that four-year-olds know the rules about no biting, no hitting, no kicking, no pushing or shoving, no spitting, and, of course, inside voices inside, outside voice outside.

Entertaining: Children's Birthday Party Etiquette: Invitation List
Q My son is in first grade and is having a birthday party. He doesn't want to invite all the boys in his class but I told him he should. Isn't it unfair to leave some boys out? Please help!!!

A Try to make your son see it from the other side, if he were the boy who wasn't invited how he would feel? Say to him, "What if Tommy (a popular boy your son likes) had a birthday party and invited all the boys but you, how would you feel?" If he doesn't want to invite a boy who used to be his friend you say, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." And then ask him to tell you what that means. If on the other hand, the boys he doesn't want to invite are bullies, then maybe he shouldn't invited them. Why not go over each of the boys whom he does not want to invite one by one asking him why he doesn't think that the boy will fit into the group. Your son might have valid reasons for not inviting some of the boys and when you listen carefully to all that he is saying about each of these boys, you might come to understand why he doesn't want them to attend. Perhaps, they are too rough and he is afraid that if they get out of control, you won't be able to handle them. Perhaps, they use dirty words of which you would not approve. Be an active listener. You could teach him to compromise by, say, not inviting the bully, but he then has to give a very good reason why he does not want to invite the boy that lives in your neighborhood, with whom he will eventually be walking with to the bus stop or school. It is only unfair to leave a boy out if your son accepted an invitation to the boy's birthday party, because then your son owes him an invitation. Ask your son to put himself in the shoes of the boy who is being left out by saying, "How do you think Jack will feel when the other boys talk about how much fun they had at your birthday. Don't you think that Jack will wonder why you didn't invite him? If Jack asks you why you didn't invite him, what will you say?" Listen ever so carefully to every word your son says. Perhaps, he is embarrassed to invite boys who didn't invite him to their birthday parties. Then you say, "Why not give John another chance?"

Entertaining: Children's Invitation Etiquette
Q For a children's party, the invitations (Curious George) say "Given By" (not Given FOR). Do I still put my daughter's name in there? Or do I put mine in, and then hers? Thank you!

A You would put your daughter's name after "Given by." Children's parties are just as much about teaching children how to be good hosts as they are about the celebration. After all, the children don't want to go to your party, they want to go to your daughter's party.

Entertaining: Children's Party Response
Q On a casual kids birthday party invite, mainly for friends and family, is it correct to say "Please RSVP to phone# Regrets Only"?

A All you need to say is: Regrets Only to 401-000-0000.

Entertaining: Chilling Beer
Q How do I serve bottled beer at a casual Superbowl party? Do I need a tub of ice? Can I leave it in the refrigerator?

A It depends upon how many bottles of beer you need to keep cool. If you have a bathtub, fill it with bags of ice to chill the beer; or you can use a large plastic storage container without holes. Even a clean garbage can keep those bottles cold. However, if you have room in your refrigerator, use it.

Entertaining: Christmas Parties: Adults Only
Q How to word an "Adults only Christmas Party"?

A The problem is a large one. You never want to say anything negative on an invitation that will set off an unpleasant vibe. To some people when you say, "No Children" or "Adults Only" it sounds as though you don't like children. The important thing to remember is that grown-up Christmas parties are not for children. In my opinion, children shouldn't be at parties where alcohol is being served. So, when possible, I suggest that for "insurance reasons" (or "insurance purposes") the way to go is to print under the RSVP: Twenty-one years and older under, or

RSVP 123-234-3456, Ext. 1123
Guests must be twenty-one years old
or
Guests must be at least 21

Entertaining: Church Luncheon Acceptance Note
Q When sending an acceptance note for a afternoon luncheon, what is the proper wording? I will be attending with my wife but will also be representing our Church. Thank you.

A Your note would go something like this; however, you would insert your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens accept
the kind invitation for luncheon
on July 16th, 2006.

If you are a Vestry member or committee member representing your church, you would write your position after signing your name:

Charles Dickens
Vestry
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Entertaining: Church Reception for Supreme Court Judge
Q Thank you so much for getting back to me. My church is hosting a reception (appetizers and buffet meal) to celebrate and congratualate an active church member who was just promoted to the Superior Court. The Judge will be bringing his wife. I am not sure what is the proper way to word the invitation. Your help would be greatly appreciated.


A Here might be the form for the invitation:

The Reverend John Whitman and Mrs. Whitman
and the Clergy, Staff and Congregation
of St. James Church
request the pleasure of your company
at a Cocktail-Buffet
in honor of
Judge and Mrs. Charles Dickens
on Wednesday, June 10th
from six to eight-thirty o'clock
St. James Church
Houston

RSVP
(telephone number)

The highest member of the church will no doubt be in attendance and preside over the toasts, so it would be up to him to mention the judge's nomination. You would, of course, insert your own information and center the lines on the page, which I can't do in this Q&A form.

Entertaining: Class Reunion Cocktail Buffet
Q We are planning a class reunion and instead of a sit-down dinner, we have chosen to have hors d'oeuvres served throughout the evening. How do we word this on the invitation so no one is expecting a formal dinner?

A The "Cocktail Buffet" might be the way to go. It requires small plates but you do not need the waitstaff to pass hors d'oeuvres because they are laid out nicely, preferably, on round tables in the center of the room. The expense is minimal because you don't need knives and forks for finger food, but you will need eight-inch dessert-size plates and napkins. When "Cocktail Buffet" is stated on an invitation as in, "requests your presence at a Cocktail Buffet," guests know they are not being served dinner; however, the word "buffet" tells them that there will be hors d'oeuvres, which allows guests to make dinner plans or eat ahead of time.

Entertaining: Club Dress Code: Business Lunch for Elderly Lady
Q What to wear to a lunch at a private club with 2 business men and one business woman that I have never met before. I am an elderly female.

A If the private club is in the city and it is a business meeting during the summer, then you might wear a lightweight suit with a small brimmed hat. You could also wear a dress with sleeves or a dress with a jacket and short off-white gloves. You might wear a small brimmed hat or gloves, but probably not both, unless you wish to look like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. Wear sensible shoes in case there are stairs to climb and long marble passages to trod. Long sleeves are a must because men's clubs, in particular, can be too cold in the summer for bare-armed ladies.

Entertaining: Club Etiquette
Q We have been invited to dinner at a private club with friends and the bill will be placed on the member's tab. How do we offer to reimburse for our charges?

A If you have been invited, then you are being treated. When you are invited to someone's club for dinner, you know that you are not expected to offer to pay. An invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation.

Entertaining: Cocktail Buffet
Q We have invited many friends and family to an " open house" party for their 50th wedding anniversary and have heard from someone that a half hour is polite and not much longer.
We had anticipated as many as possible to stay for the whole party.
What is correct?
Thank you
Duane


A An "Open House" is a "Walk Through," a "Cattle Call." If you don't have little tables for people to sit and eat at and lots to eat, people will not stay for very long. If you make it a "Cocktail Buffet," with lots of food and small buffet plates on which to put the food, dessert, and coffee, people will stay as long as the hot food is being served. Why not rent small tables that seat four people, along with the chairs, and cover the tables with cheerful tablecloths and a small flower arrangement. That way people will feel that they are welcome to relax, sit down, eat from the buffet, and linger in conversation with friends.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party Cockle: Getting Rid of the Bore
Q At a party the other night I was actually pinned against the drapery at a crowed party by a big self-important bore. Finally I got away by latching on to another person, drawing him into the conversation, just like you said, but how could I have gotten out faster???? Help!

A All you have to do is glance over the shoulder of the self-important bore and pretend to see someone that you are dying to talk to, then say, "I'm coming," and walk off at the end of an apology after making eye contact and saying, "I'm sorry, I've been trying to catch up with him all day." Move on.

Entertaining: Cocktail Party Etiquette: No Children
Q When sending out an invitation to a cocktail party, is it necessary to write on the invitation, no children please?

A I am a huge believer in NOT saying anything negative on an invitation and I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If it is a sophisticated invitation and not cute and family- oriented, and you use words such as Cocktails or Cocktail Buffet, and the hours are, say, six to eight or seven to nine, then you are making it clear that this is not a family party. So stay away from being too cute or pretty and using words like pizza or hamburgers. Stick to a martini glass with an olive, or a rooster motif, as opposed to a kitty cat or confetti and puppets. Then get the word out. When people call to RSVP and they have children you say, "I am sorry but we are not inviting any children." The word will get out and nobody will want to be the only adult at the party with a child in tow. But you have to be consistent. You can't allow one person to bring her baby, because it will get out and kids will show up if you are wishy-washy.

Entertaining: Coffee at Dinner
Q At a dinner party, is coffee appropriate to be offered during the courses before dessert, or only during the dessert course?

A A good hostess or host accommodates the needs of every guest and makes him or her feel that they are the most special guest. If a guest wants a cup of coffee or tea during dinner, no matter which course you are on, you would cheerfully accommodate him or her. Nevertheless, you wouldn't serve coffee until your guests have finished their dessert. Customarily, at an informal or formal dinner party, demitasse is served away from the dinner table, which is often followed by brandy or liqueur.

Entertaining: Co-hosting Graduation Party
Q Is it right to co-host a graduation party for my nephew who did indeed graduate from high school but my own son didn't graduate, get diploma, get gifts or anything......this is okay to have graduation party and receive monies/gifts???? please help me...thank you sandra

A The teenager who graduated should be celebrated with a graduation party and gifts; however, the child who did not actually graduate should not be celebrated for an achievement he has not yet achieved. By pretending that the teenager has graduated when he really hasn't is a farce. It might even give him a false sense that he has graduated and he might not be actually motivated to get his diploma. Teenagers have to understand the consequences of their behavior. If they have worked hard for a diploma, they should be rewarded. If he has not worked hard enough to earn his diploma, then there is no way that he should be rewarded until he earns it.

Entertaining: Co-Hosting in a Restaurant
Q This may sound petty but a guy friend of mine and I decided to invite a couple we know who entertains both of us frequently out for dinner because, as single working people, neither of us entertain. My friend paid the bill because it seemed that in such an expensive restaurant splitting the check was tacky, so I was to pay him back later. Leaving the restaurant the couple thanked my friend for dinner. My friend didn't give me any credit for paying half. What would have been the proper etiquette under the circumstance?

A Next time you share the cost of entertaining in a restaurant with another person, remember to give a seated toast to your friends you are entertaining that would go something like this: "Edward and I thought it would be such fun to have you both to ourselves for an evening. Thank you for joining us." At that point the Edward person would say something very Hugh Grant-ish: "Instead of Isabella and I fighting over the check, she will pay her half later." With glasses raised, all will be jolly. Next time you and your Edward-type should work the toasts out ahead of time.

Entertaining: Combining His Homecoming with Her Birthday
Q I am hosting a party for my boyfriend's coming home party and my birthday party. My boyfriend has concerns that I am not well known to his friends and family since we have only been dating a year. He wants me to put on the invitations that gifts are not necessary. I feel as though that is inappropriate. I think we should not address it at all. What do you think?

A I think that you do not write anything negative on an invitation because it gives a negative tone to a happy occasion. For instance, never put the following on an invitation: Regrets Only, No Presents, Presence Not Presents. When people RSVP you can talk to them directly and say that people are not bringing presents. Your boyfriend is right in that it is difficult to expect people who don't know you to give you a present because they would not know what to get you. Perhaps your girlfriends could give you a birthday lunch to make you feel special and that might give your boyfriend a stressless homecoming party. Also, if you are hosting the party for him, you would not also at the same time host a birthday party for yourself.

Entertaining: Compensating a Host
Q Is it proper to give monetary gift to the householder as a gesture of appreciation for accommodating a guest in one's home?

A Customarily the guest would bring a present with him or send a present after the visit when he has gotten to know the tastes of his host better. Or if you have dined at their favorite restaurant, you might arrange with the restaurant for a gift certificate to be sent to your hosts in your name. The only monetary gift might be if you were to leave a tip for the housekeeper or cleaning lady, which would be left in an envelope on the bedside table. Depending upon how much she actually did for you, you might leave at least five dollars a night.

However, if the guest is not a friend or business associate and he knows that the host is in need of money, he might give the host the equivalent of what he would have spent if he had stayed in a B&B, say, approximately a hundred dollars a night.

Entertaining: Computer Printed Labels for Invites
Q When addressing envelopes for a 50th anniversary drop-in reception, is it acceptable to use computer printed labels or should we stick with handwriting the envelopes?

A I do not understand what you mean by "drop-in reception." It sounds like a cattle call. If you are having an elegant party, you might send handwritten envelopes. People use computer printed labels all the time for invitations; if that's your style, by all means print them out.

Entertaining: Contributing to a Family Event
Q When hosting a family event and it is understood that everyone will contribute in some way, should the host contact family members to ask them to bring things or should family guests call and ask? Also, in the case where the event is very close, is it polite to tell the host what you intend to bring, instead of asking ahead?

A Why not pick up the phone and say, "What would you like me to bring? I would love to bring a chocolate cake." Or, "I am very busy at work at the moment but I would be happy to pick up some wine, if you tell me if you want me to bring red or white." Suggest what you do best, even if it is bringing wine or flowers, and the family member will let you know what she needs.

Entertaining: Conversation: When You Might Have Already Told the Story
Q As I get older I find myself telling many of the same anecdotes again and again. I don't want to be a bore to my friends, so what do I say when I start to tell a story and suddenly it dawns on me that I might already have told it?

A Readers of all ages with sympathize with that dilemma. We've all been in that same boat. Next time say something such as this, "I'm sure I've told you the story about George." Then pause and wait for a reply. If the response is, "Yes, you have." Then say, "I wonder how he is now? Have you seen him since he had to get all those stitches?"

Entertaining: Convocation: Dress Code: Women:
Q What should a 46-year-old woman wear to a semi-formal convocation at her son's private college during the summer?

A For a convocation during the summer, you can wear a seasonal dress that falls just below the knees that has short sleeves, or a sleeveless dress with either a jacket or lightweight sweater. Either a tailored linen dress or skirt suit would be perfect, too, along with pretty soft pumps or flats and a small clutch bag.

Entertaining: Country Club Etiquette: Gifts
Q If invited to a dinner at a country club, is a gift for the hostess appropriate?

A You would not take a gift to a country club or restaurant because all too often the burden falls on the hostess to make sure that it does not get lost and gets home safely. I receive too many questions from readers that lament the fact that gifts were brought. They say, "What do we do when some of the cards fell off the gifts and we do not know whom to thank for what?" It is far better to send your thank-you note along with flowers, a book, or handcrafted chocolates to the home of the hostess, to be opened and enjoyed at her leisure.

Entertaining: Couples Names on Invitation
Q If invitation is a coed party for a couple, who's name goes first on the invitation?


A The woman's name would appear first on the invitation if you were saying, In honor of Caroline and Edward Hines. However, if it is a formal invitation it might read, In honor of Mr. and Mrs. Edward W. Hines. If the party is for a couple who have different last names, the woman's name would appear first.

Entertaining: Course Etiquette: Salad
Q Do I serve fish or salad course first, after soup but before entree?

A It depends upon the fish. If the fish is the entree course, the main meat course, than that would go second. In some regions of the country the salad course is always served first, so if you had soup, too, the soup would come second. Most people, if there is a soup course, would serve the salad after or with the entree. So: soup, fish, salad.

Entertaining: Cowboy Insists on Keeping Hat on at the Table
Q My new son-in-law continues to wear his "cowboy hat" when we have dinner either at a nice restaurant or at our home. My daughter knows I prefer he not and have asked her to speak with him. She say's it's okay. I have asked that he simply remove it when sitting down to dinner. What is proper?

A It is your house and your table. Set your boundaries of behavior. If in your house, cowboys don't wear their hat at the table, then tell him loud and clear that he will have to respect you by taking his hat off when he comes to your house.

Entertaining: Cruise Ship Etiquette
Q We are going on a scheduled cruise to the Bahamas in September. I was wondering if there was any special etiquette or customs I should know before we go. Thank you.

A People who take cruises, and are not on their wedding trip, are usually looking for social interaction, as well as adventure and enjoying a good time while on vacation. Knowing that your fellow voyagers have the same intentions, you will find that people will be friendly and smiling. They will expect you to reciprocate with a smile that might lead to chatter. Be self-sustaining by introducing yourself and your fellow voyagers will respond. You probably won't ever see these people again; however, you might make a life- long friend. How much you put into making an effort to socialize depends upon you. I do not know how your dining is seated; it most likely depends upon the level of luxury you are ticketed for, but an easy way to get to know people is to suggest meeting at the bar before dinner or after dinner for a drink, which might lead to meeting for lunch, dinner or playing bridge. As the saying goes, if you smile at the world, the world will surely smile back at you.

The really tricky situation that everyone faces is the issue of tipping. Be sure to find out well in advance the tipping policy of the ship because policies can vary from cruise line to cruise line. Even if the brochure says, "All inclusive," that might not mean gratuities. Even if the policy says, "Gratuities included," it might not mean, "All gratuities included." A few cruise ships discourage tipping altogether, but that does not mean you will never feel the need to tip. Chances are you will need to bring between $100 to $500, depending upon the length of the cruise, the level you lodge at, and the class of the cruise ship; preferably, in small denominations. A good way to prepare for this ahead of time is to label envelopes with the various staff positions and from the list below you might be able to estimate how much you will be tipping whom and fill those envelopes with small bills before your departure. Once again, depending upon your level of luxury, you would pick the high or low estimate, or perhaps in between. The next to the last day you can subtract or add to those envelopes to reward really great service or take away bills from an envelope, if the service proved disappointing. On a long cruise, it is considerate to tip every Friday morning so that the crew has pocket money for going ashore on the weekend. Once you get on board, you can make a list of the names of the people who are serving you and match their names to the envelopes. As I do not know your level of luxury, or the length of your cruise, you will have to figure out the crew's tips for yourself, but this guide might be helpful in deciding whom to tip and how much:

Porter: $1-$3 per bag, depending upon heaviness of the bag. Like a bellman, he is tipped at the time of service.
Cabin Steward: $3-$5 per day, depending on level of luxury, he keeps your room tidy and brings extra pillows, blankets, towels, soaps, newspapers, etc.
Butler: $5-$20 per day. If you have a luxury cabin on the top deck, you might have a butler to take care of your special requests, unpack your bags, hang up your clothing, serve you drinks, and to bring you certain amenities.
Concierge: $5-$20 per service. This might be a one-time gratuity for organizing your trip ashore by making you a restaurant reservation or helping you find something you wish to buy; for instance if you want to play golf or visit a ruin, museum, rain forest or beach, he will get you a driver or guide.
Deck Steward: $1-$2 at the time of service, per service, he will bring you food, drinks, towels, newspapers on deck.
Maitre D': $5-$50 on your last night, if he remembers to save you your favorite table or suggests the best entrees.
Sommelier: $2-$5 per day; however, if he recommends a great wine, you might want to tip him 10% of bottle price.
Server: $2-$5 per day, depending on quality of service.
Bus Person: $1-$2 per day, per person.
Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Tip more if he remembers your drink and brings more snacks. If he give you a complimentary drink, tip him at least $5.
Spa Staff: 15%-20% per service, depending upon quality of service, and if they come to your stateroom.
Masseuse: 15%-%20 per service, depending upon the excellence of the massage and whether he/she comes to your stateroom.

Bon voyage!

Entertaining: Daughter + Son Have Joint Birthday Party
Q We are having a "double" birthday party for my son (turning 7)and daughter(turning 2) whose birthdays are only two days apart. When sending out invitations to my son's classmates, is it proper to NOT mention that the party is for his sister too so they understand they don't have to bring a gift for her? We are not sure how to handle the guests who don't know both children. Please help us soon, we need to send out invites this week!!! Thanks so much.

A Buy two distinctly different invitations, one set to be sent to your son's friends and the second to be sent to your daughter's friends. You need not mention on the invitation that it is a joint invitation and no one will feel they have to bring two presents. Sometimes it is best not to muddy the waters and make it confusing with too much information.

Entertaining: Debutante Ball: Decor
Q What color tablecloth is considered appropriate for a formal debutante dinner/ball?

A It would depend upon the color scheme, which customarily relates to the time of year. For instance, around Christmas the tablecloths would be green and/or red or gold and silver, and the centerpieces and the bouquets would work with those colors: red and white roses, red and white carnations, red African daisies, white status and lots of greens. For a spring debutante ball, the spring colors are blues and yellows, which might mean hydrangeas, delphiniums, peonies, and yellow roses. For summer, it would be roses of any color with the tablecloths to match. If you are asking if the tablecloths have to be all white, no, they don't. The tablecloths would reflect the season and the flowers in the bouquets would be similar to those in the centerpieces.

Entertaining: Debutante Balls: Gifts
Q What is proper in the way of gifts or recognition of the debutante from the guests invited to a debutante ball?

A Debutante balls are not about giving the deb presents. The majority of debutante balls benefit charities and these charities often depend upon the proceeds of these balls. If you are an escort of the deb, you might give her a small gift of insignificant jewelry. If you are a guest of her parents, you might send flowers to the house the next day or send a donation to the charity. At the ball, there most probably will be a raffle or silent auction; your participation in these would be the truly appropriate way to show your appreciation for the invitation. The only thing that you absolutely have to do is to send a handwritten thank-you note, whether you are an escort, or guest of the parents.

Entertaining: Debutante Gift
Q What is suitable gift for a debutante for her ball?

A Guests are not required to give the debutante a gift. The proper response is to send the deb's mother or parents a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note for including you at their table at such a special event. Some escorts will give a minor gift of jewelry, but it is not expected. Guests of the parents often send flowers to the house the following day. Debutante balls are not about presents. Most debutante balls are all about raising money for a charity and your thanks would best by expressed by making a donation to the charity in the family's name or the debutante's name.

Entertaining: Decorating Your Party Inexpensively
Q My husband and I made the decision to go forward with our annual Christmas Open House mainly because so many of our friends have been affected by the turbulent economy. I usually dress the house to the nines, but I think it would be ostentatious, plus we're trying to cut back on the expenses. How can we have an elegant and cheerful party without breaking the bank?

A Why not make mistletoe the theme of your party? Hang mistletoe from every doorway and ceiling light. You can buy fake mistletoe in a craft store or fresh at your local nursery, and you can even use both. Just be sure to keep the fresh mistletoe in your refrigerator until the day of your party or the white berries might turn brown. You can tie a small branch or two with a gold or red ribbon making a loop and then hang it from a tack in the center of all your inside doorways. Greet each guest at the front door and warn them that they might get caught under the mistletoe and give them a big smile and/or a kiss. That should put smiles on the grimmest faces.

Entertaining: Delivering Invitations By Hand
Q In my country Venezuela..when an invitation is hand delivered..below the name we write E.S.M..which means In Your Hands..what would be the equivalent in English? Thank you for your time.

A In this country, when an invitation is delivered by hand, you might find in the lower left hand corner of the envelope either: "By Hand" or "Kindness of Joan Doe." If a friend is delivering the envelope, then you might write "Kindness of" followed by the friend's name.

Entertaining: Dessert Fork
Q Proper placement of dessert fork?

A The dessert fork and spoon rest horizontally at the top of the placesetting with the handle end pointing at the left and prongs pointing to the right. The spoon would be on the other side of the fork farthest away from the place setting with the handle at the right.

Entertaining: Difference Between Tea Cup + Coffee Cup
Q How do you tell the difference between a tea cup and a coffee cup in a set of fine china?

A The tea cup might be smaller than the coffee cup in a set of fine china; however, that might depend upon where the set of china was made and the date it was produced. If there are two cups, the more delicate of the two would most likely be the tea cup.

Entertaining: Dilemmas: Children's Invitations
Q A neighbor is having a party for her son and did not invite my son. Our children have played together several times, more so over the past couple of weeks. I know it is not a family only party, as they are renting out an entire movie theatre. Should I say something? I thought we were all friends and am not sure if I am missing something. Our kids play together great and are very easy going. Should I say something or not? She even mentioned that she was having his party this weekend. What do I do.

Unsure

A Your neighbor opened up the door for discussion by mentioning the fact that her son's party is this weekend. So: you can ask her if he is invited. Say, "Would you, please, make something clear to me. When you told me about your son's birthday this weekend were you inviting him to the party or what? He obviously knows about your son's party, but we are unclear as to whether he is invited?"

Entertaining: Dining Chair Etiquette
Q Which side of the chair is correct for entering and exiting at a dinner table?

A You would slide into your chair to the right entering from the left hand side of the chair. You would slide out the way you slid in but to the left.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Aboard a Yacht
Q Is there anything special we should know about being a guest on a luxury yacht for dinner?

A Yes, wear shoes with soft soles. In Newport, we dress just as if we are going to a dinner party at a fine restaurant or to a dinner party in a private house. Personally, I would dress down and leave the jewels and the three-inch high heels at home, except if the dinner is on the "Whitehawk," which is hired for truly elegant over-the-top dinner parties.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Chewing
Q On a regular basis I have lunch with a very bright, attractive young woman who works in my field, who says I am her mentor. The problem is this: I dread these lunches because she chews with her mouth open. How can I gracefully tell her that she should NOT chew with her mouth open?

A Tell her the truth. The hallmark of a true friendship is honesty. My best pals tell me the good, the bad and the ugly. Telling her the truth will only strengthen the bond of friendship and make her a better lunch companion. If you have to pad the truth, tell her you think that people chew with their mouths closed because it is quieter.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Eating Dinner Rolls
Q At an executive dinner, one of my fellow co-workers picked up his dinner roll and bit into it as if it were an apple. I was appalled. I was always taught to break bread before eating it. What is the proper way to eat dinner rolls?

A Here in Newport, dinner rolls are primarily used as pushers in lieu of using a knife. You are absolutely right, a dinner roll is not bitten into as if it were an apple. Break a bite-size piece off the roll and leave the rest on the butter plate in the upper left-hand corner of the placesetting. When you are ready for more, break off another bite-size piece.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Forks
Q My mother-in-law always has all these forks on the table. How do I choose which fork to eat with which course?

A Sitting down to a choice of four forks doesn't have to be daunting. If the table is set to be user-friendly to the guests, you should find the meat or entree fork closest to the left side of your plate. The meat fork is the largest. To the left of it there might be a slightly smaller fork for the fish course, and then to the left again there would be an even smaller fork, which is for salad. At the top of your placesetting, horizontal above the plate, there might be a dessert fork with the handle pointing the left. The dessert spoon is above it with the handle to the right. When dessert is served, bring down the spoon to the right side of your dessert plate and with your left hand bring down your dessert fork. If clams or oysters on the half-shell or shrimp cocktail are being served, you will see an even smaller fork, shorter than a butter knife with three prongs instead of four, which would be for the first course and therefore positioned farthest from the plate.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Fussy Eaters
Q I am having a dinner party next week and would like to invite my friend Chloe who is a vegetarian. The other guests are not. Since I know that she is a vegetarian, am I obliged to make every course vegetarian? Should she politiely decline the dishes with meat? I want to include Chloe, but don't want to have to cook her a separate meal. Thanks--

A Unless the dinner is in honor of Chloe, you need not cater the entire meal to her tastes; however, it is the duty of the hostess to make every guest feel special. Tell Chloe what you are serving and then ask her if there is anything she can eat. (A polite, fussy guest will eat before going to a dinner party and never bring up the fact that she is a vegetarian.) Perhaps you could put baked potatoes, rice pilaf, vegetarian lasagne, ratatouille, or roasted vegetables on your menu with Chloe in mind.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Knives + Forks
Q I have a question that has BAFFLED me for years. At formal dinners, it seems like people eat their meat in one of two ways...I'm curious to know which is right. The first way is to keep the fork in the left hand (prongs facing down) and knife in the right...cut that way...then eat that way, too (eating with the fork in your left hand, prongs down). The knife stays in your left hand the whole time. The OTHER way (which I prefer) is to CUT as described above, then put the knife down, switch the fork to the right hand and eat using your right hand only. Which way is correct???

A Meg, you eat correctly. The fork is the key. The knife is for cutting or pushing the food on to your fork. Knives and forks are not flags and should never be waved. Meg, the way you eat helps you to pace your meal and keep your posture erect so food is less likely to drop in your lap.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Knowing Your Fork
Q I was recently at a dinner party where the salad was served after the main course European-style. At my place setting, there were two forks, a small one on the outside and a larger one on the inside. I had always been taught that you use forks from out in towards the plate, so I wasn't sure which fork to use first. I didn't want to use the small fork for the meat. What is the correct way to handle this fork situation?

A When in doubt, go by the size of the fork. The largest fork is for the meat course, a medium fork is for a fish course, and the smallest fork is for the salad. Dessert forks are traditionally either served with the dessert plate or have been placed at the head of your place setting over the dessert spoon to be pulled down when the dessert arrives. If you are the host, you can place the salad fork on the salad plate when you serve the salad. Otherwise, if your guest has used the salad fork for his meat course, as you are clearing his plate, you can suggest that if he would like cheese with his salad, he should keep his knife. If he cares, that might give him the cue to switch forks. At a very formal dinner where there are many implements, you will usually find a menu card on the table that will alert you to what foods you are being served and you can match your silverware accordingly.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Left-Handed Guest
Q This is my husband and my first Thanksgiving and we've invited both of our families. In doing a seating plan, we are worried about where to place Steve's uncle who is left-handed because the table will be crowded. Should we put him at the head of the table in Steve's place, or would that be too obvious?

A You and your husband are to be commended for your sensitivity toward the comfort of your guests. Steve's left-handed uncle would be able to cut his turkey comfortably if he is seated at a corner where he won't be jostling into his right-handed dinner partner.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Passing Food
Q When you are seated at a dinner party and the hostess puts a plate of cookies or a basket or bread in front of you, do you help yourself and then pass it to the next person or do you pass it around and wait for it to come back to you?

A When seated at dinner, pass food placed in front of you to the least occupied neighbor and wait for it to come back to you before helping yourself.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Paying for Dinner
Q In college and now in graduate school when I've been invited out to dinner with a friend and her parents, I never know whether I should offer to pay for my dinner. What should I do?

A If the parents have invited you for dinner, they expect to pay for you because they have invited you as their guest. Perhaps your parents will reciprocate at a later date or you will treat your friend even if it's just for coffee and a wrap.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Slow Eater
Q I was always taught to chew my food slowly so I am a very slow eater. To me dining with friends whether in a restaurant or at home is supposed to be a leisurely occasion. I am always the last person to finish eating but I don't think it's a bad thing. What annoys me is that the waiter will clear the other plates while I am still eating. Even at a dinner party, I'll look around and the plates are being cleared even though I still have half of my dinner left to eat. Is there anything I can do to slow people down while we're eating?

A Inevitably I, too, am the last person eating. As a hostess I continue eating until the last guest is finished. I never clear the table until I am sure everyone is through eating. When hosting a dinner in a restaurant, I will try to catch the waiter's eye and nod no-no, if he tries to pull the plates too soon. A good waiter will be sensitive to signals. If the waiter has already cleared a plate and is trying to take mine but a guest is still eating, I'll hover my hand, palm down, over my plate to signal for him to back-off, even if my plate is clean.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: Soup Spoons
Q What do you do with your soup spoon at the end of that course? Do you leave it in the bowl or rest it on the saucer?

A Personally, once I start using any spoon I leave it on the saucer; however, if soup is served in large soup bowls, it is perfectly correct to leave the spoon in the bowl. If it is served in bouillon cups with handles, place the spoon on the saucer so it doesn't topple out when being removed. Remember to drink soup from the side of the spoon, never from the end: Think of the spoon as a canoe tipping the soup into your mouth horizontally.

Entertaining: Dining Etiquette: When to Leave
Q How long do you have to stay at a dinner party after coffee has been served when you really want to go home and go to bed? (not because it isn't a fun party but because you're tired and have to get up early to go to work or have an early tennis game)

A Here in Newport, being the first to leave a dinner party is always slightly agonizing. Usually, when the first person gets up to leave, the rest of the guests start thinking about not wanting to be the last one to leave, so they head for the door, too. Serving coffee is actually the hosts' way of politely saying, "Perk up and hit the road." As a hostess myself, I find that people stay too long.

Without noticeably looking at your watch, leave fifteen minutes after the coffee is served. Of course, if you need more time and coffee to sober up, stay until you are clear-headed. In Newport, a good host will make sure that a guest who has had a bit too much to drink is followed home by another guest because we watch our friends' backs. On the other hand, don't be afraid to lead the exodus. If you are feeling self-conscious, tell your host that you have "an early morning," but you need not go into details. On the other hand, sometimes everyone is having a jolly time lingering; then it is the host's lead to find a lull in the conversation, rise from his chair, and say, "Thank you all so much for coming."

Entertaining: Dinner Dance Definition
Q Is it possible to call an event with dancing and heavy hors d'oeuvres (rather than a served dinner) a dinner dance?

A If you say dinner dance, the guests will expect a seated candlelight dinner with a live band and they will dress accordingly. Why not call your party a "Cocktail Buffet," which is what you have just described. On the invitation you can also put the word "Dancing" across from the RSVP, but it isn't necessary.

Entertaining: Dinner of Six Seats Itself
Q When having a small dinner party involving three couples, what are the proper seating arrangements? Should the women be seated together or seated as a couple side to side?

A A dinner party of six seats itself, woman, man, woman, man, woman, man, without husband and wife seated side-by-side.

Entertaining: Dinner Out with the Boss
Q My husband and I are going out to dinner with my boss and his wife. What do we wear?

A It would depend upon the type of restaurant. If you know the name of the restaurant, visit it. Just look in the door. If the tables are covered with table cloths and the waiters are wearing jackets, you might want to wear a black dress with pearls, black medium high heels and a small black bag. Needless to say, you might not wear stiletto heels, rhinestones, or a plunging neckline. If the restaurant turns out to be less formal, then wear a sweater set and skirt. As I don't know your age or build, or whether you live in a big city or rural town or the climate, it is difficult to give you anything more than a general guideline. Your restaurant will tell you the dress code. So: pick up the telephone and if they say men have to wear a tie and jacket, you know the little black dress with pearls is perfect.

Entertaining: Dinner Party Gift
Q Is it always necessary to bring a gift to your dinner hostess?

A No, it is not necessary to bring a gift. It is more important that you telephone the next day or send a handwritten thank-you note the next. To reciprocate for a dinner party, you might return the invitation.

Entertaining: Dinner Party Gift
Q What would be an appropriate gift (if any) when invited to a dinner for a couple who recently married and were previously married twice before?

A An invitation is a social bid that is best reciprocated by a return social bid. Unless you are a houseguest or it is a birthday, you are not required to bring a gift to a dinner. On the other hand, if you do not anticipate returning the social bid at another point in time, you might bring a box of handcrafted chocolates or a bottle of very good wine or champagne to the dinner. More importantly, you would ring up the next day to say how much you enjoyed the dinner or send a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note.

Entertaining: Dinner Party: Inviting Guests at the Last Minute
Q For over a year now we've been trying to reciprocate a dinner invitation and have at last found a date that suits these new friends. We immediately invited another couple whom our guests of honor know, but not well, because we thought it was a good fit. The second couple has just bowed out citing a family obligation. My question is this: Is it best to dine with just the four of us or should I invite just any couple that might be available at the last minute?

A Instead of inviting a dreary couple that might not amuse you or your guests of honor, invite your most interesting and amusing single friend. That way, while you're scurrying around lighting candles and putting the food on the table, the single person will entertain your new friends. Instead of inviting some random couple who might or might not get along, or worse, feel competitive with your new friends, a single person is more apt to get along with a couple.

Entertaining: Dinner Plate + Charger
Q Can you serve dinner on a dinner plate on top of a charger?

A Yes, you can serve a dinner plate on top of a charger. Often dinner plates are very hot and the charger is a buffer between the plate and the table; the charger might even help to keep the dinner plate warm longer.

Entertaining: Dinner Table Conversation: Health Issues
Q I am considering writing a column about the etiquette of discussing your medical issues in public. As a Harvard psychiarist told me recently, "Not too long ago, one never talked about illness or medications; today, at dinner parties people routinely talk about the effexor they are taking". Any thoughts?


A The psychiatrist is correct. One just didn't talk about the weather or illness because it was considered boorish, or anything to do with money "in mixed" company because it was considered crude. Nowadays, it seems that those are the primary topics to which people gravitate. Because we travel more, weather is used as an excuse for being late "because of the traffic," or "because there were no cabs in the rain." As the population grows older, people find that they have more aches, pains, maladies, and physical complaints in common. If allowed, illness often becomes the common ground and therefore the main topic of conversation. Follow the banter at most social events: The easiest ground breaker is the weather because everyone can relate to the same bad or good weather. Then the discussion might drift further in that direction while guests seek another common link, and the topic becomes, say, How the bad weather made them late. After everyone has warmed to one another and the ice has been broken, the discussion goes from outward to being slightly more inward. Classically, this is the Who do you know? stage: the six stages of separation discussion. That inevitably leads to the How is he doing with his treatments? What is the latest prognosis? By the end of the evening, guests have progressed to the "weeping into their cognac stage" while lamenting a mutual friend with inoperable brain cancer. You will hear: Of all the people I know, he deserves this the least. He is such a good person. Why do the good die young? At this point any good host would have changed the topic. Even so, the parting words might include, "Please keep me in the loop about Mike. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know."

There are illnesses that one just doesn't talk about at the dinner table, such as problems with bowels, intestines, herpes, and foot funguses; whereas inoperable brain tumors from cellphone use is a permissible topic because now everybody we know uses a cellphone. As I said, conversation is all about connecting on common ground. Once the topic goes to a particular illness, people in turn voice opinions as to whether simply eating cherries will cure gout and keep it at bay, or is ColBenemid really the new "miracle cure." There is often the debate over the homeopathic route versus the drug that is currently being touted on TV and the Internet. Then there are the trendy illnesses such as MRSR in hospitals and nursing homes and the syphilis epidemic in Vermont.

In social conversation most of us start on the outside and work our way in. Sometimes literally, as in how we are coping with the weather, until we feel comfortable enough to start connecting on a deeper level. Before you know it guests have settled into the superficial chatter about, say, an item that is worn as a conversation starter, until we feel that it is safe to bring up Who we know in common. All that happens before going inward to what's really going on inside our head.

On the other hand, there are families who have banned the H topic from their dining room. Anything to do with health is not considered appropriate dinner conversation. If a guest starts moaning and groaning about some health problem, he or she is told that, "We do not discuss health problems at the dinner table."

Entertaining: Direction for Passing Food
Q When serving family-style from your table at home, in what order/direction do you start?

A Serve to the person on your right. If dad is carving the turkey, he passes the plates to the right to be passed down the right side of the table first stopping at the mom at the other head of the table. Then he would pass the plates to the left side. The plates would not be passed full circle around the table. If the plate full of carved turkey is being passed, it would be passed to the right and go around the table. Just try taking food off of a platter being held for you that is on your right side and you'll find that the right arm gets so cramped, it is difficult to take the food off the platter without almost knocking one's left elbow into the person on one's left side to make space for the right arm to flex. So: pass to the right.

Entertaining: Displaying Plastic Utensils
Q I'm having a party, 80 people, with a buffet (a lot of food). How do I best put out the plastic knives, forks, spoons and napkins so that it looks nice, but doesn't take up a lot of room? Thank you!

A Wrap, or rather roll, the plastic knife, fork and spoon tightly in a dinner napkin.

Entertaining: Divvying Up the Restaurant Bill
Q Hello Didi

My name is Lynda - I work with Rob on the postcard book. He's frequently mentioned your site and told me I should send you an "ask Didi" if I ever had an etiquette question.

I have a situation that often plays out (with some variation) in my social life. I am going out with two colleagues, who are also good friends, to celebrate an achievement that one of them just had. Both of them are bringing their husbands. I will be there alone. Since we are celebrating the friend, we are treating her. But, with the husbands involved, it gets a little complicated. As a single person, am I expected to pay the same "half" of the bill as my friend who is bringing her husband? And also, is the husband of the friend being celebrated supposed to be treated as well, or is he supposed to contribute to the bill?

In this particular instance, I would happily pay the entire bill, I am so proud of my friend and adore her. So, it's not necessarily about the money. It's just that I am in this situation frequently, and I am usually the "odd one out." Thus, people often look at me and ask me how we should divide the bill and I feel awkward saying anything other than - let's just split it equally, even if the other parties are couples. When mixing friendships and work it can become tricky, as sometimes it can get very expensive, and I am most often out with people much better off than I. Yet, I feel petty if I point out that I am only paying for one, even if the "couple" cost is more than I can afford.

Do you have any advice for how I should handle this situation in general?

Many thanks!

A It is generally assumed that the person who does the inviting is responsible for paying the bill, if she doesn't state that she is organizing a Dutch Treat dinner. By using the word "organizing," you make it clear that you are not paying the whole bill. If you didn't organize the celebration, then at dinner you would thank the person who was responsible for "organizing" the get together. It sounds as though whoever invited the honoree also invited the honoree's husband, which means that in this particular situation you would be responsible for half of the expense of the honoree and her husband as well as your own. However, it is possible that the honoree's husband might offer to pitch in and share the bill.

When the bill comes to the table it will most likely be given to the man, and then you can offer to pay your "share," which presumably in this situation would be the cost of two people. Ask to look at the bill, approximate a third--which would include the tax and gratuity--and have the cash ready to give to the person paying the bill. Maybe even have the bills out of your wallet so that you can gracefully slip your hand in and out of your handbag and pass your share to the person who is organizing the paying. Wait while he figures out the bill and then say, "Let me know if I can contribute more?"

Lynda, I apologize for taking so long getting back to you but I was away and couldn't use my laptop. Hope this info reaches you before the dinner. If you can spare the time, I would like to learn how the situation played out. In the future, when the bill is presented say that you would like to pay your "share" because that will make people aware of the fact that your share is that of one person. In general, you should not be expected to pay "half" of the bill, if there are more than two of you. That is why having the cash on hand ready to present, lets you off the hook when others offer credit cards and instruct the waiter to divide the amount equally between the cards. You can always inquire as to whether they think you owe more. Your friends and colleagues will get the message and you won't be expected to pay more than your share.

Entertaining: Do Not Want Children at Party
Q How do you word it on an ivitation if you do not want children at an event?

A You might not want to say anything negative on an invitation because it would give off a negative vibe; however, you might use a fill-in invitation where you would write in the names of the people you are inviting. Then by word-of-mouth you might tell your guests when they RSVP that you are not inviting any children.

Entertaining: Do They Celebrate a 28th Anniversary?
Q My parents's 28th wedding anniversary is coming up in May. My siblings and I have never had any kind of celebration for them in the past, and we feel particularly bad about not celebrating their 25th. I would really like to have an event with friends and family this year, but am wondering if this is slightly tacky since it is only their 28th. Should we forgo a gathering with friends and family this year and simply wait until their 30th? Thanks for the help!

A It is always positive to celebrate happy occasions. Timing is important; if you and your siblings feel like celebrating your parents' anniversary now, you should do so. If you choose to wait two years, it will give you more time to prepare. This is a family decision so you might give your parents the final word.

Entertaining: Do You Invite Clergy to Christening Party
Q Should clergy be invited to an after christening party?

A If you invite the clergyman, you would also have to invite his wife. It is traditional to extend the invitation to both; however, unless they are family friend's they probably will decline the invitation. Assuming the christening is on Sunday, which is his big day, after church they usually make the rounds to nursing homes and to parishioners who are shut-ins or are hospitalized.

Entertaining: Do You Send Thank-You for Hostess Gift
Q If throwing a party and you receive hostess gifts (with tag), should you send a thank-you note?

A No, you do not need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift; however, when the guest calls to thank you for inviting him to your wonderful party, you might thank him for the gift.

Entertaining: Do You Send Thank-You Note For Birthday Gifts
Q Do you send thank-you's for birthday gifts?

A It would depend upon the generosity of the present. If the present was a token gift, you might telephone the next day to tell the giver how much you loved the long stem rose he brought to your birthday party. If the book was a gift, you might telephone her after you've started (or finished) reading the book, to thank her and tell her how much you enjoy the novel. If someone gives you an obviously expensive gift or a gift of great sentiment, you might want to write a thank-you note telling him how much you greatly appreciate his gift, and why. Giving and thanking are always good.

Entertaining: Doe and Stag Party
Q Do you take a gift to a party for the couple where you buy tickets and there are draws, prizes, etc.? It is like a stag but men and women are invited?

A No, you definitely do not take presents, unless it is a birthday for someone. Yes, the reference to stag is a single male deer and the reference to doe is a single female deer and it is a play on "going stag," so stag and doe means that singles are welcome-----but you can certainly go if you're a couple. The buying of the tickets might be to pay for the cost of the party. Wear jeans, heels, and a cute dressy top.

Entertaining: Dollar Amont for Bat Mitazvah Gift
Q What is the proper dollar amount to give as a gift for a Bat Mitzvah?

A The dollar amount would be equal to the cost of the luncheon or dinner following the ceremony. Depending upon the facility where the party is being held and the size of the town or city, the gift might be between $100 to $200 per guest and might possibly go way up from there.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Black Tie for Women
Q What type of dress is required for a "black tie" affair for women? Does it mean floor-length gown or is a cocktail dress acceptable?

A By examining the invitation, you should be able to figure out the formality of the party and therefore, if women are being asked to wear ball gowns, evening dresses, or dressy cocktail-length dresses. For instance, if the invitation is inviting for "a small dance," or "a dance" starting at ten o'clock, then a short dressy cocktail dress is perfect. If it is for a "ball," or formal "dinner dance," starting at seven thirty or eight o'clock and the band leader or the orchestra's name is listed, then you would wear an evening dress or ball gown. There are other ways that you can gauge the formality of the event: when an engraved invitation is for a dinner dance or ball and there is a reply card on which you write your name(s, then you can be assured that there will be assigned seating at this "Black tie" party where an evening dress is fitting. If you still cannot tell and because I want you to be appropriately dressed, ask someone else who is going. Just say, "What are you wearing to ...." If there is no reply card, and the RSVP is a phone number or email address, you are safe wearing a cocktail dress.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Casual Chic
Q I am helping with planning a 50th birthday and the guests are inquiring about the attire. The host wants the attire to be casual chic and she wants to send an email becuase it was not included on the invitation. What is casual chic and how should I word the email?

Thank you
Kelly T

A A "casual chic" dress code would depend upon the venue and the location of the event. For instance, for a BBQ, picnic, cocktail party, cookout, clambake, or restaurant dinner, the dress code might vary. For men the word "casual" usually means no socks and no tie need to be worn. However, if the party is taking place in a restaurant or private club that has a jacket and tie dress code, then you would conform to that. It is important to be crystal-clear when stating a dress code and stay away from such cute cliches as "Casual Chic." Even though the invitation has already gone out, you can easily send out a reminder that says something breezy such as this:

Just a reminder that Charlie's Fiftieth on Friday, July 16th, at seven o'clock is casual, so ties aren't necessary. However, remember that it is a surprise!

In this instance, you do not need to instruct women on how to dress because they know that the "No tie" dress code means that a woman would dress casual but well. "Well" meaning that the quality of the fabric and design is what makes the outfit chic. Just the word "tie" puts both genders on the alert that it is about being chic, even when ties are not necessary. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Basically you don't want people feeling out of place when they show up in a tuxedo or jeans. If a woman is unsure as to what to wear, she will call a friend who she knows is going, too, and they will both decide, say, to wear silk slacks. Likewise, "no tie" to a man means a good jacket, slacks, shirt and shoes, but no tie. On the other hand, if you want to go up a notch without having it "black tie," then you would state "Jacket and Tie" as the dress code. Remember, also, that "casual chic" has a different meaning in Los Angeles than it does in Newport. In LA "casual chic" in summer can mean designer jeans, in Newport it would mean navy blue blazers and cream colored or khaki slacks, but both would be no socks. Another thing to remember is that men in their forties through sixties tend to like to wear jackets, but not necessarily ties.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Children: Black Tie Bar Mitzvah
Q My whole family, including my eight-year-old and six-year-old sons, have been invited to a cousin's "black tie" bar mitzvah at a posh country club in September. Do boys that young wear tuxedos, too, or just suits?

A Why not have the boys wear navy blue blazers, long sleeved collared shirts with a clip-on bow tie, white pants, and dark brown shoes? Putting boys of that age in tuxedos makes them look like monkeys and behave like monkeys. Think of it this way: if this were a black tie wedding, they would not wear tuxedos. You might question the white pants in September, but boys look handsome in white and navy blue and silly in black. Don't forget, white pants and blazers are very country clubesque up until October. The clip on bow tie is fine because they can put it in their pocket once the service is over, or you can take them off. Whatever you do, don't dress them in suits because they will look as if they are going to a funeral and a bar mitzvah is a joyous celebration.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Cocktail Masquerade Party: Black Dress Cocktail Dress
Q I am attending a cocktail masquerade party. The attire is black dress cocktail and my question is regarding fashion. Should I not wear hosiery, wear hosiery, and if so should it be nude, sheer black or black?

A Whether to wear stockings, pantyhose, or to go bare-legged this time of year depends upon how well your legs are groomed. If your legs are toned, tanned, and shiny, then by all means show off those naturally beautiful legs.

On the other hand, brands such as Wolford makes the most marvelous luxury pantyhose that somehow manage to tone and shine the dullest looking legs. The question of what color has to do with the dress. With a black dress you can wear either sheer and shiny pale nude or sheer and shiny black pantyhose or stockings.

"Dressy" pantyhose/stockings should either be black or slightly paler than your skin tone. You want to take care that your legs don't look artificially "tanned," because if they are more bronze than your arms and chest, they are too dark.

For "Black Dress Cocktail Attire," the pantyhose should have a bit of shine or sparkle, or both, otherwise they can end up looking dull or too heavy, like leggings.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Determining What to Wear
Q We are having a 50th anniversary party for my in-laws. What is the proper clothing to wear?

A First identify the dress code. Is it a formal black-tie dinner dance? Is it a semi-formal cocktail party where the male guests would be expected to wear jackets and ties? Is it an informal family potluck dinner to which the men are not expected to wear ties or jackets? The dress code is also determined by the time of day, as you might dress more casually for a brunch or lunch in a private home than you would if you were going out to dine in an upscale restaurant with white tablecloths and haute cuisine. If the invitation is for an eight o'clock candlelight dinner with dancing, the women would wear evening dresses and the men would wear dark suits, white collared non-button down shirts, ties, and black socks, shoes and belt. If the invitation doesn't state the dress code, then you can expect guests to dress casually. The location is important as well. For instance California and Oregon are ever so much more casual than, say, New York or Washington, DC.

If you are the hosts trying to set the dress code, think of how the anniversary couple would dress for a party in their honor and list the dress code accordingly taking into consideration the factors of time of day and venue of the anniversary celebration. If it is a brunch, barbeque, tea dance, clambake, cookout, or dinner dance, state so on the invitation. If the party is for cocktails, say that and guests will show up in cocktail attire.

Afraid the men won't show up in jackets and ties and you want them to because you know that your father-in-law will be wearing his best jacket and favorite tie? Write "Jackets and Ties" in the bottom right hand corner of the invitation.

Please e-mail me the details of the 50th anniversary party and I would be happy to help you compose the invitation.

Entertaining: Dress Code: High Tea
Q I am invited to a high tea and Evensong after. What is the proper attire? Do I bring a gift?

A If you are a woman, you might wear a pretty dress, lovely hat, and short, white gloves. If you are a man, you might wear a navy blue blazer and khaki pants with a tie. No, you do not need to bring a gift; however, you might send a handwritten thank-you note to your host and/or hostess.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Ivory and Gold
Q What is the proper etiquette for attire of the children and grandchildren of the celebrants of a 50th Wedding Anniversary? This will be a formal affair. Is it appropriate for the entire family to be dressed in Ivory and Gold or just the celebrants, my Parents?

A You wouldn't want your guests unable to attend because he/she doesn't have an ivory and gold outfit. On the invitation list the dress code as "Black tie," and you will be telling people to wear their most formal clothing. In these frugal times, you don't want people declining the invitation because they cannot spend the money to buy an ivory and gold outfit. The best that you can do is have the children and grandchildren wear their best clothing. The boys would wear blazers and collared shirts, khaki or dark pants (not jeans), socks, and shined shoes. The older boys would wear a tie. The girls would wear their best dress, knee-length or long. Having daughters of my own, I have learned that it is important for girls to choose what they want to wear. If it is explained to a child that everyone will be wearing their best clothing, the child will not want to feel different by wearing grungy clothing. Talking to the child ahead of time, will help the child to start thinking about the outfit and allow him/her to ask for help with the details, if need be. In my opinion, since you have such a diverse age group, I wouldn't make the party that formal. Instead, I would have the dress code "Jacket and tie." If the men are all required to wear a jacket and tie, then the women will also dress appropriately. Through word of mouth, for gifts why not have the children and grandchildren bring their favorite photograph of themselves?

Entertaining: Dress Code: Men: Taking Off Your Jacket
Q Can one remove his coat while at the table?

A Presumably, you would have left your coat in the checkroom or near the entrance way. If the host has taken off his jacket, then you can take off your jacket. If the host has not taken off his jacket and you are uncomfortable, then you can ask your host or hostess if he or she wouldn't mind if you took off your jacket. If you are the host, you can set the lead by taking off your jacket and encouraging the other men to take their jackets off, too.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Mother + Daughter Tea Party
Q What colors should I use for a Mother/Daughter tea party? Is there a color for mother and daughter?

A It would depend upon the color of the room where the tea party is being held, the size and shape of the mother and daughter, what colors suit you as individuals, the season, and the climate. When in doubt, beige and ice blue are safe colors for afternoon tea.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Pearl Etiquette
Q Is it acceptable to wear pearls at a late afternoon luncheon (celebrating a 50th Wedding anniversary)? I'm 79 years old, if that makes a difference.

A Yes, please, wear your pearls. You can wear pearls to most social functions from bridge games and brunches to anniversary lunches. The rule of thumb is that the later in the day, the more strands are worn. A 50th wedding anniversary is a cause for great celebration - you can wear up to three strands of pearls.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Quinceanera's Mother + Godmother
Q Can the Quinceanera's mother and the godmother wear a similar dress?


A Why not, as long as they don't wear white, the mother and the godmother will be will be lovely in similar dresses. The only woman wearing white should be the fifteen-year-old birthday girl.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Ralph Lauren Western Not South Beach
Q I have been invited to a birthday dinner party in late March at a very nice lodge (The Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite). I was planning on wearing black slacks, a nice crisp white shirt, and a silk black/white-silverish houndstooth jacket. The dining room requires jacket but not a tie. Would it be proper to wear an ascot with this outfit? Your prompt response would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,
Gerard

A You might look at some high-end Ralph Lauren ads because you might be more comfortable if you are not wearing black pants, a white shirt, and a silk silver houndstooth jacket. You are not going to Las Vegas or Miami, you are going to a stately, famous lodge where Queen Elizabeth II stayed in 1983, that looks more like a hunting lodge for American Royals than a South Beach club. Houndstooth jacket, yes, but wear one in brownish tones. Think Ralph Lauren Western.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Woman: Prom Dresses
Q Were can I find a prom dress in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.?

A Look up in the yellow pages of your telephone book under "Clothing" for the locations of Express Limited, Bebe, Chico, Banana Republic, Talbots, Ann Taylor, Anthropologie, BCGB, J.Crew, Abercrombie & Fitch, and T.J. Maxx. If that doesn't work, look under "Bridalwear," because a lot of young women have great luck finding a prom dress amongst the dresses designed for bridesmaids.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Women Dining in Hats
Q Is it proper etiquette/allowable for a woman to keep her hat on while dining, either inside or outside? Even if it is not proper, is it allowable for a son-in-law to rebuke a mother-in-law about her faux pas?

A It is acceptable for a lady to keep her hat on while dining, unless, of course, it is a formal black tie event. At the most exclusive clubs and restaurants, you will often see women wearing hats while dining. It is the son-in-law who has made the dreadful faux pas. The hat would be discreet with a small crown, often called a dinner hat; it would not have a wide brim and would most likely be made of a quality fabric such as satin or velvet and might have a jeweled hat pin, or it might be less formally designed in a finely woven jersey adorned with a bow or be made of tightly woven straw with a ribbon, depending upon the time of year and the time of day.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Women: Evening Dress: Handling the Train
Q Not a question about wedding attire but just about formal attire . How would you carry a train of a formal dress when traveling from indoors to outdoors and back in again? Or even to dance in? I thought about a short removable cord from my wrist hooked to the dress to pick it up a bit. It seems like I remember seeing this done in the old Hollywood Glamor movies, especially during ballroom dance scenes.

A Actually, I cover a lot of territory as an etiquette consultant.

Turn your dress inside out and look for a couple of ribbons near the waist and also near the bottom hem in the back of the dress. Since I don't know the length of your skirt or train, this is a rather general answer.

When the dancing starts, you can go to the ladies' room and tie up the train by tying the top and bottom ribbons into tight bows, thus shortening the dress in the back.

Should your dress not have such a system to gather up the train for dancing, you can easily sew in your own. However, don't forget that you will need a friend to help you in the ladies' room while you hold up the dress and she ties the bows, if there isn't a matron in an apron in there to help you.

If that's not your skill set, call the sales person who sold you the dress, or talk to the manager, to find out who can help you. If all that falls, the dressmaker who works for your local dry cleaner should be able to sew in the ribbons.

Alternatively, you can "work" the train to your advantage without tying it up by playing with it. As you said, think of those glamorous movie stars who used their dresses by working with the material. If it is an evening dress as opposed to a ball gown, you should be able to drape the train by folding it over the bend in your left elbow while you're dancing.

Walking in and out of doors, put your arms down straight and gather up some of the fabric from the skirt in your hands so that the fabric in the skirt drapes horizontally across your thighs. That should be enough to shorten the train a bit.

Remember that the train is going to get dirty underneath anyway, so the only concern for the train should be while you are dancing. You wouldn't want to trip over it, if it wraps around your ankles. So, try to visualize using your hands, your left arm and elbow to hold your dress while you're walking or dancing.

Try the dress on, turn on some music and practice.

In my opinion, you should find the services of a good dressmaker or tailor to help you with managing the length.

Entertaining: Dress Code: Yachty Casual
Q What does "yachty casual" translate to for a cocktail party to commission a new boat?

A "Yachty casual" is the classic dress code here in Newport; however, we drop the "y" and call it "Yacht Casual." Men wear their navy blue blazers, preferably with brass buttons, and their club tie, which does not necessarily have to be a yacht club tie. White, cream, Nantucket red, yellow, or khaki trousers are fine, but no seersucker. Wear boat shoes or any brown shoes; however, socks are never a requirement. The tie is actually optional, keep the handkerchief in your trouser pocket, and don't wear an ascot unless you have a throat condition. Do not wear any gold jewelry around your neck or wrist, with the exception of a watch that is not "flashy." Leave all rings but a wedding band or signet ring at home. Simple cufflinks are fine. If it is overcast, take your windbreaker. You didn't say if the cocktail party is being held on board the new boat, in a yacht club, or in a private home, but it goes without saying that if the party is on board, you would wear boat shoes; if you don't have them, moccasins, sneakers, or any rubber sole shoes are fine.

Lots of yachting women will wear a navy blue blazer with a club scarf and white, cream, kaki or patterned pants or skirt. If you're not the blazer type, a summer sweater set with pearls and skirt or well-cut pants are appropriate. Alternatively, a pretty tunic with slacks or a three-quarter length skirt would be appropriate, but you would not want to wear a big billowy skirt on board in case a gust of wind comes up; or a skirt that was pencil thin in case you have to use a ladder. Leave the family jewels and stiletto heeled shoes at home; wear basic jewelry and shoes with soft soles; they can be platform espadrilles, Tod's with rubber soles, a ballet-style flat, or boat shoes---no high heels.

Entertaining: Dress Codes: Red Tie
Q What does "Red tie invited" mean on an invitation to a gala? The invitation also said "Black tie optional."

A Basically, "Red Tie" means "creative black tie," so if you don't have a red tie, wear a black one or improvise.

Entertaining: Dual Birthday Bash
Q We are having a "dual" birthday bash for my daughter and her best friend. We would like to note on the invitatioin that the guest does not need to bring a gift for both girls, if they are just friends with one and not the other. How can we properly state this without being awkward?

A The only problem I see with your plan is that one child might receive more birthday gifts than the other. Why not have two big straw baskets: the first in which, upon arrival, the guest drops her gift with just her name on it, saying who the gift is from. Then if they want to open their presents in front of their guests, the "dual" birthday girls close their eyes and alternate picking out a gift from the basket and unwrapping it for everyone to exclaim about. After the party the girls might trade, if they already have some of the gifts or would prefer a different gift. So: on the invitation you might say:

Please come celebrate a
"Dual" Birthday for
Charlotte and Amanda
insert date and time
address of party

Please bring only one gift for the "dual" grab bag.
RSVP insert your name
insert your phone number

Then you might have all the guests' party bags in a second (dual) basket by the front door, that the guests take home.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat
Q How do you word that guests are invited to join you at a restaurant but they have to pay their own bill?

A Talk to your guests and tell them the meal is "Dutch Treat," which means everyone pays for their own meal. If you are sending out invitations, you would call it a "Dutch Treat Dinner," or you would write "Dutch Treat" in the lower right hand corner opposite the RSVP.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday
Q I am having a 40th birthday party for my husband at a restaurant. How do I invite people and at the same time let them know they will be responsible for paying for their own meal? Is that even appropriate?

A You will need to be upfront with your guests when you invite them and tell them exactly what they should be prepared to pay towards their Dutch Treat dinner: their meal, drinks, tax, and tip. It goes without saying that you would not expect them to bring your husband a birthday present, too.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday Luncheon Invitation
Q How do you word invitations for a 30th Birthday luncheon that is to be Dutch Treat?

A Remember, when you are inviting people to pay for their own lunch, you need to tell them two important pieces of information: the price of their luncheon including beverages, tax, and tip, and the fact that when they pay for their own lunch, they are not expected also to pay for a birthday present. With those two points in mind, you might use an invitation such as this replacing your own information with mine and centering the lines on the page:

You are cordially invited
to assist the celebration
of Julia Smith's 30th birthday
at a Dutch Treat Luncheon
Saturday, June 28th
Noon to two o'clock
Norey's Restaurant
Newport

RSVP 000-000-0000
In lieu of a present, please pay for your lunch ($20. including lunch, tip and tax).

If you are anticipating wine at lunch, you would factor that cost per person into the price of the lunch. Ahead of time, you might want to work out a set price lunch with the manager of the restaurant, which, of course, would include a glass of wine, or two, as well as the tip, and tax.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Birthday Party for Wife
Q I am having a surprise 40th birthday party for my wife. I have a room reserved at a local restaurant with 10 to 12 couples attending. What is proper etiquette when it comes to what I should pay for? Should I pay for all dinner and drinks for everyone?

A If you have already invited these twenty-four people to attend your wife's 40th birthday party, then you cannot very well go back to them and ask them to pay for their dinner, drinks, tip and tax.

If you have not already invited your guests, you might send out an invitation or e-vite with the time and place and state at the bottom of the invitation: No presents, please. In lieu of a gift, please pay for your own dinner and drinks. You cannot expect people to bring a birthday gift for your wife and also pay for their dinner, drinks, tip, and tax---it is an either or situation. If you can afford to treat everyone, please do and your wife will be delighted, thrilled, and grateful for the party with her friends, as well as receiving their gifts.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner for Dad
Q Is it acceptable to invite family and friends to my father's 80th birthday celebration and ask them to pay for their own meal?

A It is acceptable to invite family and friends to pay for their own meal but you might want to find out how much the meal will cost including drinks, tax, and tip, because they will need to know. You will also have to tell how you would like to be paid because the restaurant won't want to do individual tabs. Remember if they pay for their own meals, they guests cannot be expected to bring your father a present, too.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner for Thirtieth Birthday
Q My husband's 30th birthday party is on a Friday night at 6:30 p.m. at a restaurant/bar. This is the normal dinner time for some people; however, I can't afford to pay for everyone's (30 people +) dinner so I am offering a nice selection of appetizers that the restaurant helps cater. There would be a dinner menu and alcohol available to whomever would want it, but at their expense. How do I go about putting that into the invitation without sounding rude? I want it to be clear that they would be paying for everything but soda and the appetizers that I choose to have catered. Please advise me ASAP because I really need to get these invitations out quickly and soon. Thank you, sincerely, JMH

A Sorry for the delay but in order to be fair to all of my readers, I answer all questions in the order that they appear on my Web site.

In answer to your question: You have to remember two things:
1) In case someone asks, you need to get an approximate price for the average cost of a meal with tax and gratuity; you might be able to get a "special meal," if you pre-plan a fixed-price meal with the restaurant; 2) If you are asking guests to pay for their own drinks and dinner, then you cannot expect them to buy a gift as well. Basically, you are "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" dinner to celebrate your husband's Thirtieth Birthday; you are merely throwing in the soda and munchies as a carrot.

Come help celebrate
Brad Johnson's Thirtieth (30)
at a Dutch Treat Dinner
Friday, January fifth (5th)
Seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport (add the town, if there are out of town guests)

RSVP Laura Johnson @000-000-0000
In lieu of a gift, dinner and drinks are Dutch Treat.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner in a Restaurant
Q If you are inviting people for a dinner gathering, but intend to have them each pay for the dinner, how do you put that on the invitation.

A You will need to do some homework and figure out how much the average meal will cost, plus the drinks, tax, and tip. You would need to decide whether you had to be paid in advance or at the end of the meal. If it is a large party, the restaurant might not allow separate checks. If the dinner is a birthday celebration, would the cost of the birhday person's meal, etc., be shared and factored into the price. Remember, if they are paying for their own meals, your guests should not be required to bring birhday gifts. At the bottom of your invitation, you might write "A prime ribs dinner with wine, everything included, will be $25. per person in advance." Or you could just write "Dutch Treat Dinner." When the guests call you to RSVP, you can let them know when you wish to be paid or if there will be separate checks.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Dinner in a Restaurant
Q What is the correct way to state in a party invitation that people will be responsible for paying for their own meals?

A The person hosting the event might talk to the manager of the restaurant to work out a price per person that would include the meal, the drinks, tax, and tip. That amount might become the Dutch Treat price for the dinner, which might be printed on the invitation under the RSVP. When they telephone you or email you to RSVP, you would need to tell them whether they had to pay you in advance or whether you would collect the cash or check at the end of the evening because the server cannot be expected to write out twenty separate bills or process twenty separate credit cards.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Etiquette
Q How do you invite guests to a party where they will be paying for their own dinner and drinks?

A On the invitation you would make it crystal clear as to how much the invitee will be responsible for and what that costs covers; for instance if you have worked out a set price meal with the manager for $30 per person, make sure that price covers the meal, drinks, tip, and tax, and be honest with your guests. Also, if you are asking them to self-pay, then you cannot expect them to bring a gift. On your invitation, e-vite, or over the phone, you might say: "Instead of a present, would you mind paying for your own meal?" It will be $30 per person including food, 2 glasses of wine, tip and tax.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Invitation Wording
Q When inviting a large number of people out to eat for a special occasion, what is the proper etiquette or wording to say that "you pay for your own meal"?

A Actually, the person who invites pays. So: you are not "inviting," you are "organizing" the occasion. Remember that you will have to have a price to quote as to how much "guests" will have to shell out for their meal, drinks, plus tax and tip. If it is an occasion where a present is expected, you will have to let the "guests" off the hook because if they are paying for their meal, you cannot also ask them to buy a present. So: you call the event a "Dutch Treat" or "Self-Pay " dinner and "In lieu of a gift, your Dutch Treat meal will be $30 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Lunch Invitation
Q How do you say in an invitation that people will be paying for their own lunch @ a restaurant?

A You would be "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" lunch. First you would need to get an estimate for the meal, which would include not just the lunch but the drinks, tips, and tax. Also, remember that if you are organizing a self-pay lunch, you would not expect people to, say, buy a present, too.

Please come join me with
family and friends for a
Dutch Treat Lunch
on Sunday, March tenth
at one o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP Dana Jones @ 000-000-0000
The Dutch Treat Lunch will be $20 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Parties
Q Is it okay to ask guests to pay their portion for a meal when having a large birthday gathering for an eighty-year-old?

A It is perfectly all right to ask people to a restaurant and have them pay for their own meal. It would help you to get better service and make it easier to collect for the bill if you arranged a menu at a set price with the restaurant in advance. Then when you extend the invitation to attend the "Dutch Treat" meal, the invitee can consider the expense before accepting the invitation. You will also need to decide whether you want to say something like this: in lieu of a present, the dinner will be Dutch Treat.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Party
Q How to word an invitation to a dinner where each guest is expected to pay for their own meal?

A You cannot use the word "invite," because the person who invites pays. You are "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" or "Self-Pay" dinner. You would need to get an estimate from the restaurant or caterer as to the cost of the meal with drinks, tax, and tip. Since, I don't know the type of event you are celebrating, this is a really general answer. You would invite people to join you in celebrating whatever, and the cost of the dinner is made crystal-clear. You would have an RSVP in the lower left hand corner with your name and phone number. Your name would not appear elsewhere on the invitation because it is the WE who are celebrating, YOU are organizing. Remember that when you ask people to pay for their own meal and drinks, you have to let them off the hook about buying a retirement or birthday present. So: you would add the following line under the RSVP: \In lieu of a gift, your dinner will be $50 per person.

Entertaining: Dutch Treat Restaurant Dinner
Q We are planning a surprise 60th Birthday party which will include a dinner. Is it ok to ask the guests to pay for the dinner? Thank you

A To host a Dutch Treat Dinner, you might list the cost of the meal, plus the drinks, tax, and tip on the invitation so that guests are not blind-sided. Also, if you are asking guests to pay for their own food and drinks, they cannot be expected to bring a birthday present. Try to work out a prix fixe dinner menu with the manager of a fun restaurant, especially one with a room you can use of your party. When your guests telephone to RSVP, remember to tell them either to send you a check ahead of time or bring it to the dinner because the restaurant might not be able to process all those individual bills and credit cards in a timely fashion. Be aware that restaurants usually insist on a certain percentage for the tip when there are large parties. If you have guests pay you ahead of time, you won't get stuck having to pay for the dinners of people who didn't show up. This sounds like a lot of planning, but if you are organized well ahead of time by word of mouth, the guests will get the code for the party and cooperate. Be sure to have lots of toasts.

Entertaining: Easy Parties: Cocktails
Q I have lived in a very nice neighborhood for about a year now and the social scene is tight. My neighbors are very snobby and cold (mostly the women) and when I see them in their yards, they look the other way, rude! I always smile and wave, not too sure how to break the ice. Help me become the better person and break this awful feeling of being left out in the cold. Any suggestions? Jen

A The saying goes that if you put out a ham, people will come. Neighbors won't be able to resist knowing more about you. Go up the ladder and host an open house, perhaps you better not call it that, but give a "cocktail party", possibly to celebrate something such as New Year's Day, a new friend's birthday, or your partner's birthday. If it is a birthday, put "No gifts" at the bottom of the invitation to make it easier for people to accept. But you do not have to have an agenda for a good party, but be sure the invitation is of high quality, looks chic, and that you send it out a month ahead of time. Also, be sure that you have an R.S.V.P. with your phone number, so that you can learn people's first names, if you don't know them already. Hire a bartender and make up attractive platters of cut up cheeses, fruit, and veggies garnished with grapes, flowers, leaves, parsley, watercress, or herbs. If you can get a good pre-cut spiral ham, all the better. Serve it with different mustards, cheeses, and bread and you'll find people making a meal out of your ham; the wives will love it, too, because it means that they might not have to fuss over dinner. Don't forget a party is a social bid. Perhaps your neighbors are waiting for you to strut your social skills, so why not show them? You don't need to spend a lot of money, as I said, you can just have wine and cheese, but do have a bartender. However, if you can spring for good hard liquor. it is impressive and surprisingly few people actually drink it, but it is still the sign of a good party (and it will keep for the next party). You will find men, say, having one glass of good whiskey and then switching to wine. If the party is not agenda-ridden, meaning that you are not trying to raise money for some cause or charity, your neighbors will come out of curiosity. When guests arrive at your door, be sure that you station yourself near the door so that everyone who comes and leaves has to speak to you twice. It sounds controlling, but it works. Some people will just drop in to see who else was invited, who else showed up, and what kind of party you give, but don't let that stop you from welcoming them with a huge smile. The minute they walk through your threshold pick out something that they are wearing and compliment it, which will put them off guard because then they will want to respond with, "Oh, I love what you've done with the house." As you know, an invitation is a social bid; once they have been to your house it would be very hard for them to snub you ever again. Once more, they will then have to invite you to their next party. Find out what you can about them so that you can connect: do they play golf, tennis, bridge, practice yoga? Do they know a good masseuse, pilates teacher, personal trainer, or dressmaker? So: there you go. Let me know how you do, should you find the time.

Entertaining: Eating Pasta with a Fork + Spoon
Q Is it ever proper tp eat pasta with a fork and a spoon

A If pasta, such as spaghetti, is served on a plate or in a shallow bowl, it is eaten with a fork. If the pasta is, say, ravioli and it is served in a deep bowl, it is often eaten with a spoon. Can you eat spaghetti with a fork in one hand and a spoon in the other twinning the spaghetti around the tines using the bowl of the spoon as leverage? Yes, you can do it, however, in Italy you might be frowned upon.

Entertaining: Eating Spaghetti
Q What is the best way to east spaghetti and should it be ordered at a restaurant?

A Ask the server for a large spoon on which to twirl the spaghetti around with your fork which makes it more manageable to eat. Why not eat spaghetti in a restaurant? Spaghetti is one of the great comfort foods.

Entertaining: Empty Glasses
Q If I am serving several beverages at a dinner, is it ever appropriate to remove glasses from the table while guests are seated (before food is served, between courses, or during after-dinner conversation while guests are still seated)?

A Often guests will take their drink to the dinner table; that bar glass or tumbler would be removed from the table when the glass is empty, while a course is being cleared. If you are pairing different wines with the various courses, the empty wine glass from the last course would be cleared with the course. Also, if you are serving an aperitif with, say, oxtail, lentil, black bean or another soup enhanced with sherry, you would remove the aperitif glass with the soup course. Often a guest will turn over his or her glass to signify that they are not drinking wine; that turned down glass would be removed once the signal is received by the waitstaff. So: yes, it is appropriate to clear glasses that are empty or turned down and will not be used any longer, if at all; but preferably removed while the plates are being cleared for the next course. A good hostess will do her best to keep the dining table tidy.

Entertaining: Entering a Social Scene
Q My friend is often offended when she enters a room full of people engaged in conversation who may be unaware of her entry into the room, and they don't respond immediately to her greeting them. She wants an immediate response to her greeting. When entering a room of people who may be grossly engaged in conversation, what is the protocol for greeting and response of those who are being greeted?

A It is assumed that the person entering the room behaves as a self-sustaining adult and therefore is responsible for announcing her arrival. She does not expect people to drop their conversation in mid-sentence to welcome her. The person entering the scene stops before charging in to survey the crowd, and plot her course. She might head first to a person she knows the best, to the host, or coordinator of the event. She would stand beside that person patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence before talking to him. If she does not know anyone, she would ask to be directed to the host and introduce herself to him.

Entertaining: Escort Cards: Couples with Same Names
Q How do you address escort cards when 2 couples have the same 1st and last name, i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Sam Smith.

Do you use
Mr. Sam Smith and Mrs. Betty Smith Table 3, and
Mr. Sam Smith and Mrs. Sue Smith Table 4?

Or Mr. and Mrs. Sam (Betty) Smith Table 3, and
Mr. and Mrs. Sam (Sue) Smith Table 4?

A You would address the escort cards accordingly:

Mr. and Mrs. Sam (and Betty) Smith, Table #3
Mr. and Mrs. Sam (and Sue) Smith, Table #4

Alternatively:

Betty and Sam Smith, Table #3
Sue and Sam Smith, Table #4

Entertaining: E-vites
Q What do you suggest the hostess do when the honoree asks to add guests to the list after finding that the original invitees cannot come to a luncheon? The invitations have been mailed several weeks before and there are no more. It seems a very awkward situation at best.

A Not to worry. All is not lost. In fact, you might even impress. Send an e-vite. Make it up yourself to look as if it is going to many. Then the recipient will not realize that they are second choice. Be sure to have an RSVP on the e-vite. You can even ask for the recipient to answer by a certain date. That way you will know early on if the invitee is able to attend. Basically, you want to pretend that there is no problem. So: you need to make the new invitees feel special. Look on the bright side. E-vites are ever so much chicer for many occasions. The great advantage is that you will get an instant reply. FYI: In case you do not know what an e-vite is, basically it is just an e-mail that you write and call it an e-vite.

Entertaining: E-World Etiquette
Q My husband and I just had a baby shower. Is it ok to send out electronic thank-you cards to people who attended and have an email address??? Or should we still hand write and send through the mail???

A If you are thanking your friends for a present, then you might want to take the time to write thank-you notes. They took the time to find you just the right gift so you need to send just the right thank-you note.

Entertaining: Excluding Kids From Your Party
Q How do you send out an invitation and state that there will be only adults at this party....no children?

A I am not a big fan of putting anything negative on an invitation because it gives off a negative vibe. So I don't use "Regrets Only" or "No Presents" or "No Children." You can handle the situation two ways: On your invitation have a fill in where you have to hand-write the name(s) of the person(s) you are inviting, for instance:

Carol and George Spencer
requests the pleasure of the company of
Susan and Billy Hines (fill in the invitees names)
for a cocktail buffet
on Saturday, May 12th, 2006
6 to 8 P.M.
RSVP
(your telephone number)

Then when people telephone to RSVP you tell them that you are not inviting people to bring their children to the party. By word-of-mouth the information will circulate to your friends, relatives and coworkers.

Entertaining: Excuse to Cancel Dinner Plans
Q I need a very good excuse to get out of a dinner on a Sunday night due to an early morning work schedule on Monday, but this is with a friend that I haven't seen in over 10 years and it has been planned for a while....HELP!

A An invitation to dinner, no matter who organized it, is a social bid. If you get out of the dinner, you are getting out of, or rejecting, the social bid. So: you will need to have a plan to invite the person for lunch or dinner sometime soon in order to sustain the relationship.
Alternatively, you might change the dinner to an early supper and go somewhere simple for soup and a salad or a hamburger. If the date has been planned for a while, you cannot very well bow out under the pretext of a prior commitment or that you are too busy. If you do have an early morning schedule, then be up front: say that you would like to have dinner but you will have to be home by 7:30 because you have an early morning work schedule. Otherwise, if you postpone, you are in a sense postponing the dinner for another ten years. The sooner you make the phone call, the better.

Entertaining: Family Gives Retirement Dinner
Q Is all right for family to give family member retirement dinner and dos and don't of it?

A Yes, it is a lovely idea to give a family member a retirement party; however, you might not want to solicit for gifts as it always seems a bit tacky when families solicit gifts for other family members. So: don't make the party about the presents; make it about the friendships.

Entertaining: Family Party Invitations When Only One Child Is Invited
Q How do I address envelopes to a sweet sixteen with the parents and one child, ie. Mr. and Mrs. Michael Shaw & Kandyse Shaw. The person does not want the entire family to attend the sweet sixteen. There are other children in the family that are not welcome because of the age or sex.

A You can handle this either by sending the parents one invitation with only their name, Mr. and Mrs. Michael Shaw, on the envelope and then sending a second invitation to the child you wish to invite with only her name on the envelope: Miss Kandyse Shaw.

Entertaining: Family Play Dates
Q I have two small children and am often invited to bring them to play at a friend's house. How do I know how long to stay? I don't want to overstay my welcome, but always enjoy the chance for adult conversation while my boys are entertained.

In a related a question, how do I make it clear when an invitation to play includes parents?

Thank you for your great advice.

A Depending upon how small the children are and whether you've been invited for a meal or not, would determine the length of your stay. As you know, the younger the children, the sooner they become overstimulated. If there is down time with a meal and a movie, then you would guage your exit to coincide with the end of the movie. If there is no meal or/and movie, you probably wouldn't stay for more than two hours. If your host or hostess starts looking at his or her watch, that is a signal that your stay is coming to a close.

In order to make it crystal-clear to the parents that you are inviting them along with their children, you would invite the family for a "family cookout," "family picnic, or" "family brunch." Using the word "family" means that you are expecting the parents to stay and not just drop off their children. When extending an invitation, it is always best to establish a time boundary by saying, "Come from eleven to one o'clock, we'll have lunch and the kids can play until one." If things are going well, you can always say, "The kids are having such a good time, why don't we take them out into the back yard to run around (or out to the park)?"

Entertaining: Family Seating
Q When seating a large family for Thanksgiving dinner..where do the parents sit...my son usually sits at the head of the table...to his left his mother-in-law - to his right his wife...next to his mother-in-law sits his father-in law and he likes to sit next to one of his other daughters. Then I sit next to her and her boyfriend on my other side...I don't know him at all. My other son and his wife sit next to my daughter-in-law and my daughter and her husband sit at the far end of the table with another one of my daughter-in-laws sisters and her husband. Since I am the matriarchal woman in the family, I feel I should sit to the left of my son - not his mother-in-law.

A The person who sits on your right is the guest of honor. As you are the matriarch, the guest of honor is at your discretion. Customarily husbands and wives are never seated side by side because they spend so much time together. One of the points of these family dinners is to encourage family members who don't know each other particularly well to get to know one another better. Another thing you might want to be thinking about is connecting those family members by seating them side by side. For instance, if there is a young adult applying to college or graduate school, it makes sense to seat that young person with someone he or she can talk to about his or her education and future. Or if a guest is looking for a job, you might seat him or her next to a family member who is well connected. The purpose is to integrate the various families within the family. The exception would be if someone had a new boyfriend or girlfriend who might feel more comfortable seated next to his or her partner than seated between two strangers. So to start, your son would be seated at one end of the table and his wife would be seated at the opposite end. You and your son's mother-in-law would alternate from year to year being seated on his right, the other would be seated to his left. Traditionally, the eldest mother would be the guest of honor, but these days most women don't want it pointed out that they are the eldest, so it is best to alternate. Another exception would be if he had a son and the son were engaged, then your son would be seated between the eldest woman and the newest female member of the family. When possible, siblings and couples are not seated together. Remember that the male guest of honor is seated to the right of the hostess with the second guest of honor seated on his left; the female guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the second guest of honor is seated to his left.

Entertaining: Fiftieth Anniversary: Destination Ceremony
Q Planning a 50th wedding anniversary trip for my parents to an all inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic and would like to invite family friends. Since I will not be able to pay for guests, how should I word the invitation? I want this to be a fun celebration and getaway for all.

A Firstly, you need to get a discount from the resort for your guests. You should be able to block off a group of rooms that your guests can reserve at a discount. Ask for 20% off, although 10% might be the best you get. Try to get them breakfast vouchers as well.

Then send an invitation for the anniversary party celebration dinner and include a card with airlines and hotel info that mentions the discount when mentioning your name. Add any other events such as a boat trip, meal or party that the guests will be invited to free of charge. If you give guests enough incentive, you can get some of your parents' friends to spring for the trip. Since you are asking guests to pay for their airfare, housing and meals, you'll have to let them off the hook about having to also buy your parents an anniversary present as well. It should be clear to your guests that the costs for their attendance is there gift.

Entertaining: Filling in the Blank
Q When returning a reply card to an invitation, on the line for the name that reads M________________, what is the proper way to respond for a Mr. and Mrs.? Thank you, Beverly

A The M is the first letter in Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms, and Master.
If you are responding for a married couple, you might write an "r." after the "M" and then "and Mrs. John Smith"

Entertaining: Filling Out Response Card
Q OK, I have what may be a stupid question about an R.S.V.P.
What is the proper way to fill out an R.S.V.P.?

Example: Kindly Respond Before March 27, 2006

M_____________________________________

______ Accepts With Joy

______ Persons Will Attend

______ Decline With Regret

I understand checking the appropriate intention and the number that will attend but how do I correctly fill in the M_________________? Do I put an "r" indicating Mr. and then my name or do I just simply write my name? I don't get the point of the "M". Please explain.
Thanks for your help.
Kevin

A It is not a stupid question. Write in the lower case letter "r" with a period after it like this r. and add your first and last name as it is addressed on the envelope of the invitation. It might look like this: Mr. William Shakespeare.

Entertaining: Finishing the Meal
Q When finishing a meal, what is the correct position to place the knife and fork? I was taught, to place the knife and fork side by side, facing north/south.

A After you have finished eating, place your knife and fork side by side at either six o'clock on your plate with the handles towards you and the points pointing away from you, or place them at 3:50, which is more precise and easier for the server. However, six o'clock is easier to remember and therefore it is more common.

Entertaining: First Date Etiquette
Q On a first date, do you sit across from your date at dinner?

A Yes, on a first date you might sit across from your date at dinner so that you can make eye contact and read her/his body language.

Entertaining: Fork Etiquette: Salad
Q When salad is being served after the main course, should the salad fork be to the left or the right of the dinner fork? I was taught to use the utensils "from outside in", but I'm also used to seeing the salad fork to the left of the the dinner fork. I know you'll know the proper answer to this question.

A The salad fork is placed on the table in the order of the progression of the meal. When salad is the first course, the salad fork is laid to the left of the dinner fork. Should the salad fork be placed to the right of the dinner fork, then you know that salad will be served after the main course. At a six course meal, if there is, say, a fish course and a pate course before the entree and the salad course is the fourth course, then that fourth fork is presented along with the salad. (At a very formal dinner it might appear on a small silver tray). There would never be more than three forks on the left side because the table would be too crowded.

At a formal dinner, the salad is usually served after the entree along with a tray of cheeses and crackers, whereas informally, the salad is served either as a first course or as a side dish with the entree. So, if at your family dinners you usually ate the salad course before the main course or with the main course, then you were taught to use the utensils "from outside in."

Entertaining: Fork Etiquette: Salad British Club Style
Q At a British Club, I ordered beef and salad. The waiter placed, in front of me, a big plate with the beef (and gravy) and placed a smaller dish (with the salad and a fork salad) on the upper left. Which is the right way to eat the salad? Thank you!

A You would eat the salad as a side dish along with your entree. For instance if you had ordered a side order of creamed spinach, the spinach would be placed to the upper left of your plate. The salad fork is often presented with the salad.

Americans tend to prefer to eat their salad course either for the first course or as a separate course between the entree and the dessert. More informally, salad is served with the entree, either on the entree plate or on a separate small plate that is larger than a butter plate. Most informally, a salad fork would not be used when the salad is served on the entree plate. More formally, a separate salad fork would be placed on the salad plate. Salad forks used to be called "lettuce forks" because they are designed to cut lettuce, whereas dinner forks are larger and heavier in order to manage the meat and are not as manageable for cutting lettuce.

The right way to eat the salad that was served to you at the British Club would have been to have eaten it as a side dish with the salad fork that was provided. Alternating forks, you would have eaten it along with the beef, leaving the fork on the corresponding plate behind. Because the beef had gravy, you wouldn't take a large dinner fork with gravy on it and use it on a small salad plate; therefore you would alternate forks. By the way, it is perfectly acceptable to pull the salad plate down from the upper left corner. It is placed in the upper left corner so that the cuff of your sleeve doesn't get soiled from the salad dressing should you brush the lettuce while cutting the beef.

Entertaining: Formal Dining: Clearing
Q When dinner is finished, what is the proper way to remove dishes from a formal dinner table?

A At a formal dinner, the waiter stands behind and to the left of the guest and with his left hand he removes the plate while the right hand swiftly places the next plate in front of the guest. When the guests leave the table to go into another room for coffee and brandy, the last course plates are still on the table, whether it is a dessert or a fruit and cheese plate.

Entertaining: Formal Dining: Serving + Clearing
Q In formal dining do you serve from right and pick up from left?

A At a formal dinner, the food serving proceeds to the right, counterclockwise, starting with the guest of honor. Wines are served to the left clockwise. The plates are served and cleared from the left side of the guest. The waiter's right hand clears the used plate, and the left hand slides the next plate into the place, as there is never an empty spot in front of the guest at a formal dinner. The exception is that glasses are cleared from the right side of the guest; rather than reach across the guest, the waiter clears the glass from the right. Beverages are served and cleared from the right side of the guest.

Entertaining: Fruit as Appetizer
Q When a fruit plate or salad is served before the meal, what is it called? Appetizer?

A Yes, a fruit plate or salad served before a meal would fit into the appetizer category.

Entertaining: Fundraiser for Family Member
Q My daughter is a victim of hurricane Katrina and lost everything in New Orleans. She moved four times in nine months and has now finally settled in a doctoral program at a new school and a different location. I would like to have a 'new apartment shower' for her so she can try to replace some of the items lost last year, but wonder if what I plan to do will be considered totally rude. My daughter cannot come home for the festivities, so a normal shower is out of the question. I am planning to send invitations to some of her friends and some of our relatives and would call this a 'gift card' shower. I would like to ask that instead of sending the actual gift item that people send gift cards for one of the stores I would include in a list on the invitation. None of the stores is outrageous, and some would even be places where she can purchase food items during this very financially tight time for her. Another would be a book store to help replace some of the textbooks that were lost, and even a drug store to help with prescriptions. My daughter's losses will possibly never be completely known to her, since the memories are so difficult to face at times. It's been hard for us to help her out because of our own financial losses recently. I feel I would be happy to help out a friend or relative who had gone through a loss like this, so hope that others will feel the same. But, again, is this a complete no-no? Also, I'm trying to keep this a surprise, so can't ask her for addresses of her friends, and their invitations would be emailed. How far off the mark am I on this? Do you have a suggestion for something I can do to help her out? She's really having a very difficult time financially. Thanks for any ideas you can provide.


A You write very well. Why not write an email in the form of a letter saying pretty much what you just said to me taking out any references to your questioning the idea or how to carry out the plan? Your letter is heartfelt and will come across as sincere. Keep it plain and simple: send the letter saying that she needs help because she is struggling with trying to get her life back together and finishing school; let people respond in their own way. Perhaps for some, writing a check would be easier than going out to buy a gift card, so let them choose their method of expressing their sympathy and compassion. Those friends that are not on the Net would be sent printouts of your letter personally signed by you. I question whether you would need to have a shower per se. If, as you say, money is tight all around, why not just thank all those who do send her checks or gift cards in your own way by inviting a couple of them at a time to dinner, lunch, brunch, or tea over a period of time. In other words make smaller thank-you parties. Most people are thankful for contact and like to feel needed, but I am not sure calling it an "apartment shower" is really in her best interest because it sounds as if she really needs more than just stuff for the apartment. There is something about staging a "shower" for a "hurricane" victim that doesn't sound quite right. Why not call a spade a spade. You are doing a fundraiser to help your daughter get back on her feet.

Entertaining: Fundraising Event: Should Recipient Attend
Q Aloha Didi:

I have a terminal sickness, a benefit event is being
held for me. Should I attend or can I skip it? I don't know which is correct.

A If you are able to attend the benefit event, do so because contributors like to know where their money is going. Your being there will generate funds for your benefit. So, if it is at all possible, make the effort. You don't have to stay long. If it is a two hour event, arrive half an hour late and leave half an hour early.

Attending will serve to authenticate the benefit.

Entertaining: General: Corporate Dinner: Corsages for the Spouses
Q Didi,

We are having a recognition dinner for Board members who have completed serving their terms and have invited their spouses. The Board members will be presented with a recognition award. What is the proper etiquette for the spouses? Are they to receive anything, i.e. corsage?

A In my opinion, corsages are tacky and all too often ruin a new dress or jacket by making forced pin holes. The exception would be one lone, beautiful gardenia. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love the scent and romantic look of a fresh gardenia and she doesn't have to put it on, but she will take it home. In the present economic climate, the spouses would not expect you to spend money on corsages; however, no woman would look down her nose at a fresh gardenia.

In more affluent times, you might give the spouses a "party favor" of something useful, such as a silver or leather key chain or small picture frame (see corporate gifts online at ScullyandScully or Tiffany). They would be tastefully wrapped and set at each spouse's place in back of her/his place card.

Entertaining: General: Guest Who Arrive Too Early
Q I don't know if things will ever change with my in-laws, but they show up early for everything. At least 1 to 2 hours early. It doesn't matter what it's for. It is really stressing me out. We expect them at one time and then "here they are"! Extremely early. What can we say? Is it rude to show up early? Please help. Thank you so much.

A Why not give your in-laws a different arrival time than the other guests. If you are planning on inviting people to come for dinner at six and your in-laws would otherwise show up at four, why not tell them that you have a conflict so you're asking people to come at eight, that way they will come at six instead of four o'clock. Be honest with the other guests and say that as much as you love your in-laws, it is distracting to have them arrive two hours earlier so you are giving them a later start time to enable you to focus on preparing dinner. Is it rude to show up that early? Yes, it is terribly inconsiderate. However, your in-laws are probably coming early because they are used to eating earlier; therefore their bodies are on a different clock. Perhaps, they really want to help out and pitch-in, but that can be annoying when you're trying to prepare a meal. Alternatively, your husband could put in a DVD of one of their favorite movies that they can watch for two hours while you and your husband cook the dinner. By the way, if the in-laws catch on that you're inviting them to come later, tell them the truth, but start the conversation by saying, "As much as we love your company, when we're preparing a meal for you we like to focus on the preparation so that when you arrive, we can give you our undivided attention."

Entertaining: General: Invitations: Mailing Date
Q Party invitations should be mailed how many weeks in advance?

A For a party on a weekend the invitations would go out four weeks prior to the date. Weekday parties two to three weeks. It would also depend upon the formality of the party. For instance invitations for a wedding or a charity ball should be mailed eight to six weeks prior to the date; eight weeks if a save-the-date card had not previously been sent.

Entertaining: Getting Guest to Leave
Q How do you get guests that stay too long to leave?

A Stop serving food and drink and they will leave. Alternatively, you can say, "Would you like one last drink?" with the emphasis on the word "last." If that fails, you can start washing the dishes and if that fails, too, you can jokingly say, "Time to kick you out, we're going to bed."

Entertaining: Getting Out of a Previous Engagement
Q Dear Didi - I was invited to Thanksgiving Dinner by a friend of rather short acquaintance from my church. Due to some church business, this person is no longer speaking to me. Is it my responsibility to tell her or her responsibilty to tell me that plans have changed? The difficulty was not my doing, but she views it that way and no amount of explanation from mutual friends has changed her mind. I want to do the kindest, most courteous communication, but I'm not sure how to proceed. Can you advise me. Thank you, Confused.

A I want you to do the kindest, most courteous thing here. Obviously, you are not going to this person's house for Thanksgiving and this person is in the same position that you are in: not knowing how to get out of this social obligation. You can either e-mail, or send a note on your best social stationery, that says, "Thank you so very much for your kind invitation for Thanksgiving Dinner; however, I find that my plans have changed and I am no longer able to attend. You and your family have my very best wishes for the happiest of holidays. Most sincerely, Mary." Not only are you letting this person off the hook, but you are saving this person from stressing out wondering if you will be showing up or not.

Entertaining: Getting the Guest to Compensate
Q I've got this dilemma. I've got a nice apartment in Manhattan that all my friends know I rarely use. I don't mind my friends using it, but a sort of business acquaintance who is very stuffy asked me if he could stay in the apartment after I told him I would be away at that time. I don't mind giving it to him, but I feel there should be some kind of compensation, what can I do, Didi, to make this work right?

A Help him to understand right away that you're not playing games. He can use the apartment under the condition that he pays you $150 for the cleaning lady, and leaves her a tip. People suffering from entitlement syndrome, such as the stuffy business acquaintance, should definitely be made aware of the fact that cleaning will have to be paid for to look after him, and it won't be you. In a nice way, of course.

Entertaining: Gift for Host of Going Away Party?
Q If attending a going away party for someone, do you need to bring a gift for the host?

A No, you do not need to bring a gift for the host. The host has extended a social bid by inviting you and might perfer that you return his hospitality by inviting him to a party you host at another point in time. Even though you don't need to bring a present, you might want to telephone the host the next day to tell him how much you enjoyed yourself at his party.

Entertaining: Gift to Appreciation Luncheon?
Q Do I bring a hostess gift to an appreciation luncheon?

A No, you are not required to bring a hostess gift to an appreciation luncheon; however, you might write a thank-you note the next day.

Entertaining: Gifts + Retirement Party
Q Do you give a gift at a retirement party?

A No, you do not need to give a retirement present because by the time people are ready to retire they are probably in the process of getting rid of "stuff." Also, retirees are not expected to spend money on gifts for people their age or older. You might send a funny card.

Entertaining: Gifts Missing From Bar Mitzvah
Q At my son's Bar Mitzvah, there were 3 children that we don't have a record of bringing a gift. We don't know if it was lost, stolen or if they never brought a gift or envelope with a check or money. What if anything should we do? We're trying to finish all thank-you notes!!

A What a predicament: you want to send thank-you notes but you are unsure about the whereabouts of the gifts. I think it is safe to assume that three children forgot to bring gifts. You might find that a gift might arrive in the mail at a later date. Nowadays, with so many moms and dads working, we have to be compassionate and cut them some slack. They just may not be as organized as you. In the lives of very busy families we have to consider the possibility that mom thought dad was picking up the present but dad thought the baby-sitter, who picks his son up from school, was assigned to get the present. Hosts these days need to go up the ladder and take the focus off the booty. Chances are one of the parents will inquire as to whether your son liked his gift because her son hadn't gotten a thank-you note and then you can say that three presents went missing during the party. Who knows, your son's gift may be under the back seat of someone's mini-van along with the missing sneaker. It is important not to make a big issue out of this otherwise your son might think his Bar Mitzvah was all about the booty and not so much about the deeply religious ceremony that, in fact, it is about. Also, Bar Mitzvah customs may not be understood by other religions; for instance, when Christians are confirmed their friends don't give them presents because everyone is confirmed together with their class on the same day and families celebrate afterwards privately. If you think a big check is missing, then by all means call the parent to say, "I think you need to stop the check".

Entertaining: Gifts of Wine
Q My husband and I recently had a group of friends over to play cards. Several of them brought nice, moderately priced bottles of wine. (I only reference the price because I feel badly about not serving them.) We had adequately supplied our beverage table with a selection of wine. Were we obligated to open the wine brought by guests or is wine brought by them considered a host gift? This gathering is very casual and we rotate houses each month.


A You do not have to serve your guest the wine that they brought but you need to be aware of the fact that often people are stuck on one particular taste of wine and to be assured that they have wine they like, they bring a bottle of what they want to drink. I have a friend who used to bring her own bottle of Tanqueray gin when she came for cocktails because that was the only gin she would drink. Next time when a guest at your card game brings wine, ask them if they would like you to open it then so they can drink it, or should you keep it for another occasion. For instance, I don't like Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, or Sauvignon Blanc, so I would most likely bring you a bottle of Muscadet.

On the other hand, you don't want a whole lot of bottles left half full at the end of the evening. I would go with asking them if what they brought is what they would like to drink. As the rotating card game is not BYO, because you're providing drinks, the wine brought is considered a gift to do with as you please.

Entertaining: Gifts or No Gifts
Q I'm hosting a small birthday party for my mother who is 85... it's a casual, at home, buffet lunch for 20-25..... a friend of mine says I should put "no gifts" on the invitiation if I don't want people who are just casual family friends to feel obligated ... I don't like this... I aways feel uncomfortable if I get an invitation that says that because, if I show up without a gift and then see that other people brought one anyway, I feel I should have brought one also.... and if I bring a gift and others don't I wonder if I've made someone elso uncomfortable.


A If you indicate clearly on the invitation that presents are not required by saying, "No presents, please" or "Presence, but no presents," your guests will get the hint. However, if someone wishes to bring a gift, let them. Many people are givers and give because they love to give, so let them.

Entertaining: Gifts: Grad School Celebration
Q My husband and I were invited to join the family in their celebration of their daughter graduating Nursing School. Are we expected to present a gift?

A If the celebration is a Dutch Treat luncheon after the ceremony, then paying for your own meals is sufficient. However, if you are being treated, then you would bring a small gift or a card with a gift card or small check enclosed.

Entertaining: Girls: Proper Etiquette for Formal Occasions
Q What are the proper manners and etiquette for girls in a formal occasion?

A Etiquette for girls in a formal occasion:

The girl should be well groomed and dressed appropriately for the occasion. If it is a "black-tie" event, she can wear a simple long dress. Shorter girls tend to wear high heels at a younger age. The hem of a short dress would fall at the knees and no higher. Only simple real gold or pearl jewelry is warn. Any upper body art (tattoos) would be covered up by a cardigan sweater. At a high church wedding, arms and legs would be covered, so if the girl is wearing a short dress, she would wear tights.

In my opinion, children do not belong at parties where alcohol is being served. If attending a wedding, children under the age of eight should not attend the reception if it is a seated candlelit dinner. If the child does attend a seated dinner, watch for signs of her being over-tired or over-stimulated, and take her home before there are tears. It goes without saying that any person under the age of twenty-one would not be served or not drink any alcohol. Remember that party favors that are candy and sweet desserts such as wedding cake will over stimulate the child, so it would be best to take the favor home to be eaten the next day.

The girl would go through any wedding receiving line with her mother shaking hands first and introducing the daughter, if her child is not known to the host. The child would shake hands and then the father would shake hands, so the child is between the parents going through a receiving line. It would be good to role play this ahead of time.

Remember that you and you alone are responsible for your child so, if you do not want to watch her during the party, leave her at home with a sitter or ask if you can bring a sitter to the party to watch over her. Formal lunches and dinners are especially tedious for young children, even if there are other children in attendance. If they don't already know them, it is possible that they will not connect with the other children and end up at your side or sitting alone.

The rule at a wedding is that nobody leaves until the bride cuts the cake, so if she is attending the dinner, you might want to leave after one dance, if she's under eight. Depending upon her age, she could dance with her father, and perhaps a brother once, and then she should go home.

Formal occasions are a good excuse to teach a girl about thank-you notes. If she is very young, you can write the note for her and have her copy it. Obviously it does not have to be perfect. Likewise, with learning how to shake hands and say "how do you do" in the receiving line. Table manners are something that girls learn at the dinner table every night, so I am assuming that the girl will know how to cut her food properly, to leave her knife and fork side-by-side with the handles at approximately ten minutes to four o'clock if her plate were a clock. She would sit when the other girls and women sit down at the table and she might have a place card. If she does, be sure to remember the number of her table if you are seated at different tables. She would put her napkin in her lap to cover the skirt of her dress until she stands up to leave, then she would loosely fold her napkin, it doesn't have to be perfectly folded, and she would leave her napkin to the left of her plate before getting up from her seat.

Should the girl need to excuse herself, she should tell her parent where she is going and let her know when she goes back to her seat. It goes without saying that she would wash her hands before going back to her table.

At the table she would be sure to leave on a plate any spoon, fork or knife that she has used or is using. For instance she would leave the butter knife on the butter plate and the salad fork on the salad plate. If she doesn't know which utensils to use, you might go over that ahead of time. For instance, generally she would use the utensils farthest away from the plate first. If she is not sure which utensil to use, she can always look around to see which utensil others are using. Those utensils are not waved in the air like flags while she's talking. Remind her that the waiter will put the food in front of her from her right side and take the plate away from the left when she's finished. To make her feel comfortable about being waited on, you can role play at home and/or take her to a restaurant with tablecloths and proper waiters to help her feel comfortable about being waited on. Tell her, for instance, that she doesn't have to clean her plate or clear her plate, because the waiter will do that for her. If she drops a utensil, all she has to do is to tell the waiter and he will pick it up and bring her a replacement. If she doesn't like the food, then she should keep quiet about it and push the food around on her plate to make it seem as though she has tried everything. If you know the child is a picky eater, then be sure to feed her ahead of time. You can show her how to wipe her mouth after taking an especially big bite of something juicy by taking a corner of a cloth napkin and dabbing at and around your mouth, then watch her do it. Have her look in a mirror as she dabs her mouth. If she doesn't want to swallow something in her mouth, show her how to move the food discreetly from her mouth into her napkin and put her napkin back in her lap (or under her chair). She can always ask the waiter for another napkin. If she doesn't know how to cut her food or is too young, then she should ask the waiter to do it for her. He will then remove her plate and bring it back. Show her how to tip the soup plate away from her so that the soup doesn't cascade onto her lap. You can even show her how to sip soup from the different soup spoons. The larger one that is shaped like a canoe tilts toward her to fill up with soup and tilts the soup back into her mouth. She would not shout across the table to get someone's attention, nor would she shout to someone at the next table. Remind her that a good dinner partner talks equally to the person seated to her right and then the person seated to her left. Say it is a bit of game, but that's how it is done. If the child does have a sitter with her, that sitter would be seated next to the child and would probably cut up the food for her and chat with her throughout the dinner.

If she is young, you might remind her to use her "inside" voice as opposed to her "outside" voice. For instance, she wouldn't yell across the room or church, "Mummy." Instead she would come and find you. When you arrive decide on a place where you can meet if she should get lost. If she does find another child to dance with, monitor the dance floor to be sure that they aren't stealing the show from the bride. If you see people stop dancing to watch them, then signal to her to come to you. It goes without saying that if she becomes overstimulated and/or starts crying, you would quickly and quietly remove her from the room and keep her there until she has calmed down.

If she is a teenager and being dropped off to attend a formal event, then you would agree ahead of time the exact time that you will be picking her up. The parent should then arrive early to pick her up and be prepared to wait past the agreed upon time. By the time she is a teenager, she should have the self-confidence to find the host and thank the host for the wonderful party before leaving. You can role play that, too. This is also a safety measure so that a grown-up knows that she is leaving the party.

Whatever her age, take her home before the party is over.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette
Q Should I always put a water goblet in the place settings--even if I am also serving iced tea?

A Yes, because guests have gotten into the habit of sipping water throughout their meal no matter what the featured beverage. As they are usually both large stemware with a thick density, I can understand that you're concerned about having both a water goblet and iced tea glass at the place setting; however, the needs of the guests are what the table is all about.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette
Q Should water goblets and other glasses (such as tea and wine) be filled before or after guests are seated?

A The water glasses are filled before the guests are seated. The wine or tea is usually poured after the guests are seated; however, often at dinner parties or charity events, a filled champagne glass or a white wine glass might be waiting for the guest at his or her place. Often it depends upon the caterer and if there is sufficient staff to pour while the first course is also being served by the waitstaff. At a more intimate dinner party, the wine would be poured just after the guests have been seated thus giving guests the option of white or red and perhaps allowing the guest to see the labels before deciding. At larger catered or charity events, the wines would be listed on the menu card.

Entertaining: Glassware Etiquette: Soda
Q If a guest at a dinner party requests a soft drink (or lemonade, etc.), what glass should be used to serve the beverage?

A You would use a long, narrow vessel with a short stem; it is a good shape for drinks such as iced coffee, iced tea, lemonade, vegetable juice, and soda, all of which are usually served with ice cubes.

Entertaining: Godmother Hosts Christening Party
Q Is it proper for the godmother to hold a christening party instead of the parents of the child?

A Yes, it is proper for the godmother to host a christening party instead of the child's parents. I am sure her godchild and the child's parents would greatly appreciate the celebration.

Entertaining: Gold and Silver Party
Q What is a gold and silver party? What would one wear to such a party? The party date is December 16.


A It sounds as if you have been invited to a holiday dance. You do not have to necessarily wear gold or silver, the gold and silver is reference to the fact that it is a dance. For instance people have black and white parties and balls. You would dress festively for the holidays. If it is a grown-up party and the invitation states, Black Tie or Formal, then you would wear a tuxedo or, if you are a woman, a beautiful long dress and long white gloves. If you have jewelry, you would wear it. If the dance is for teenagers, you would wear a tie and jacket with a white collared shirt, dark shoes and socks. If you are a girl, you would wear a pretty, dressy short dress with dressy heels.

Entertaining: Graduate Gifts
Q My husband & I recently received a college graduation announcement from the son of one of our friends. It is out of town and we cannot attend. Are we obligated to send a gift? If so what is the usual amount spent on a graduation gift? We have also received an invitation to another friend's daughter's high school graduation along with an open house beforehand. This one is not out of town and we may be able to attend but are not sure yet. What is the proper gift etiquette in this situation?

A Young adults graduating from college usually prefer a small check to do with what they may, along with a card. As I don't know how well you know the graduate, nor do I know your relationship to the parents, or how much you can afford to give, or how much the graduate needs money, I cannot tell you exactly how much money to give. The invitation was a social bid from the family, if you wish to sustain the relationship with the family, you might send a card and, if you can afford to include a check from anywhere from $20 to $50, I am sure the graduate would greatly appreciate your generosity and kindness.

As to the high school graduate: if she is college bound, you might give her an Oxford Dictionary or the Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus. Alternatively, you might give her a gift certificate to your local book store.

Entertaining: Graduation Celebration
Q I have a daughter graduating from college and we have invited family and friends to a local restaurant for dinner. There will be around 30 attending. Most of our family are gainfully employed but several of our daughther's friends will be there. My question is: would it be ok to offer to pay the college friends tabs and the tip and let the rest of the guests pay their own tabs?

A Having been through this with two daughters, I have a grounding on the situation. First off, if the party is at graduation, your daughter's friends will be involved with their own families. My suggestion is that your daughter's friends' families reserve tables at the same place you are hosting your family party. That way the kids are together with their friends and the parents cover the checks for their own family. The friends are then covered and you are welcome to invite your family to help celebrate this great milestone. Talk to your daughter to find out just how many friends will be without parents at graduation, and invite those, then have her suggest to the others they celebrate at the same place with their families. Our experience has been that it is a pretty loosey-goosey time in which to be too organized, because every family has their own agenda.

Entertaining: Graduation Party a Week Early
Q I am planning on having a college graduation party. I never had one for high school graduation (personal choice). I am wondering if it is okay to have the party a week prior to my graduation (I graduate Mother's Day weekend). I know that after Mother's Day weekend, things get pretty overwhelming for guests to attend so many other parties. Also, how far in advance should invitations be sent out?



A Sorry, but you really do not want to have a graduation party before the event. It might be like having the wedding reception before the wedding. Until officially you have that diploma in hand or that ring on your finger, you cannot celebrate the completion. Alternative to the week prior to your graduation, you might host a party the night before graduation.

Entertaining: Graduation Party When Parents Are Divorced
Q How do I handle my daughter's graduation party when her parents are divorced?

A Years ago when one of my best friends was going through a divorce, I insisted that both of the parents sit side by during their daughter's graduation so that when she looked down she would see her parents looking approvingly at her accomplishment. Your daughter's graduation is all about your daughter; it is not about the parents and the parents need to put their bitterness aside for one day and focus on their child's success. That graduation day turned out to be a turning point in the graduate's parents' relationship, which is why I am a big fan of uniting as one front for family occasions. Both parents should attend the graduation and sit side by side and attend the party, but if either of the parents becomes disgruntled, he or she might be the one to leave the party first. Remember, graduation is just the start, next comes the wedding, and then they'll have grandchildren in common, too; parents are role models for their daughter's behavior. If the mother and father handle the situation with dignity and are considerate, compassionate and learn to compromise, their daughter will have good manners, too.

Entertaining: Granny Wants to Host Baby Shower
Q Is it okay for the mother of the expectant mother to give a baby shower?

A Yes, it is all right for the mother of the expectant mother to give a baby shower; however, she might want to clear it with her daughter first.

Entertaining: Greeting Guests
Q I am wondering this: If I am hosting people at my house, is it my responsiblity to greet them as they arrive or is it their responsiblity to seek me out and greet me?

A Both. A good guest finds his host when he arrives and then when he leaves to thank him. A good host makes himself evident near the entrance to greet his guests so that his guests don't have to wander around looking for him.

Entertaining: Greeting Staff
Q What's the appropriate way to greet someone's housekeeper? I recently visited my aunt and didn't know how to greet her housekeeper, who's worked for her for over twenty years and has known me since I was a child. I wanted to do more than just say hello but I wasn't sure a handshake or a hug or a kiss were appropriate.

A When upon entering a house you are greeted by a housekeeper, you would say "Hello" and "Wonderful weather we're having." In your case the housekeeper is a long-time, trusted caretaker whom you know by name, so if she used to give you hugs and wipe your tears as a small child, giving her a short social hug and saying something like "Margaret, it is good to see you, you never change," would be a lovely gesture. However, if the household is more formal and you never called her Margaret, you called her Mrs. Minerva, why not shake her hand and call her by name. If she is of the old school, she might wait until she is spoken to; however, as she is a woman she would have to put her hand out first in order for you to shake it. If you went towards her to give her a social hug, it would be up to her to divert your social hug with a handshake; or at arm's length she might take hold of your wrists and say, "What a fine man you've turned out to be, Elliot."

Entertaining: Grooming Code: Filing Nails at Table
Q If I break my nail while sitting in a restaurant in a large social group of folks who have known each other a long time, may I pull out my nail file & file off the rough edges at the table or should I do it in the restroom instead?

A Please don't file your nails at the table.. Excuse yourself and take care of your grooming needs in the ladies' room.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Deaf + Left-Handed
Q When I accept an invitation to a seated dinner, do I tell my hostess that I am not only deaf in my right ear but I am left-handed, or would that be odd? I am pretty good at lip reading but when I'm seated beside someone, it is harder to read lips than if you are across from them.

A By all means, be upfront with your hostess about being deaf in the right ear. That way she will pair you with someone she can confide in about your deafness and she won't seat you with a JKO soft, wispy voice. Remember that we all have our little kinks and quirks and the sooner you make up a clever signature comment about your condition, the more confident you will feel over time reeling it off. A thoughtful hostess will seat her left-handed guest on a corner.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Freeloaders
Q We see the same people at party after party who never reciprocate and yet they keep getting invitations. They have some nerve! At some point shouldn't they either regret invitations or throw a big bash?

A In this agenda-driven age, reciprocating is the right thing to do but it has to work for you and some people simply find entertaining too stressful; however, they like to go out to other people's parties. People give parties to have fun and because they enjoy introducing new friends to old ones; not just to pay people back. If you use a party as a pay-back, you will be disappointed. It takes a generous, self- confident host to throw a good party. Perhaps, your acquaintances whose behavior you question reciprocate in their own way by showing kindnesses that are not talked about. We are a quid pro quo culture so maybe they support the hosts charitable causes or perhaps their greatest asset is that they are jovial, self-sustaining guests. Parties need good guests as well as maven hosts. There are many hostesses here in Newport who delight in giving huge annual parties because they enjoy themselves from start to finish planning the party, creating a guest list, choosing the food and music. Entertaining is a great art, but we don't all have to play the piano. We, too, have friends that we see everywhere that don't entertain; however, they always greet me warmly making me feel special and, if I need a donation to a charity event, they always come through. Don't keep tabs, understand that we are a quid pro quo culture and over the span of a friendship it all evens out.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Regretting the Day of the Event
Q My husband and I were invited to a pool-side cookout by one of old friends from high school. We accepted the invitation over the phone. The day of the cookout, we could not attend due to a flair-up of a chronic illness that I have. My husband called the host and explained that I was having a really bad day......the host replied that he understood and gave his love and best wishes to me to feel better and that we'd try to do it again. I really feel bad about the situation and feel like I should do something more. Please advise with your proper etiquette. Thank you.
I

A The proper etiquette would be to invite the host for dinner or brunch. There really isn't anything else you could have done.

I probably would have sent my husband to the cookout with my regrets. Since your husband didn't go either, two people didn't show up. Next time, especially since you have a chronic illness, have your husband go without you. The exception would be if your husband didn't know the host, then that would have been awkward for him.

Entertaining: Guest Etiquette: Thank-You Notes: Time Frame
Q Hi. What is the proper time frame for sending thank-you cards for an adult birthday party?

Thanks.

A Two months tops. You're "supposed" to send them within the week, but hardly anyone does any more. To be honest, most people are so busy that they procrastinate, but do you know what? Most people are so pleased to receive a handwritten envelope with a heartfelt thank-you note that they forgive the time lag.

Remember that if the invitation was sent via email, the thank-you note can be sent via email, as well.

Entertaining: Guest Leaves Money
Q When having a weekend guest and host wants to pay for a meal and guest leaves money on the table after leaving, what is the proper way to handle this?

A I am sorry but I don't understand your question. Would you please return to my Web site and ask the question again giving me more details. For instance, I don't understand: if the host has already paid the bill and the guest leaves money on the table after the guest left? Or after the host left? Is the money a tip? If the bill including tip has been paid by the host and the guest lays down cash, it would be appropriate for the host to take the money as reimbursement for the guest's meal. If I have not understood the question, I would be happy to give you my best answer when you give me more information.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Guest List at Door
Q How can you nicely say that someone MUST RSVP to get into an event?

A In order to do that, you might need to have the guest list checked off at the door; in that case the invitation might say: RSVP: Admittance Only.

Entertaining: Guest List: How to Control the Numbers
Q We're hosting a fortieth anniversary for ourselves and we would like to have about a hundred people; however, when we wrote out our guest list there were 180 names. How do we decide who to eliminate and who to invite?

A The best way to prune a guest list is to schedule your party for a Saturday night when you will be competing with other events and then make sure to mail the invitations out late, say, two weeks in advance as opposed to three or four weeks. By then some of your would-be-guests will have already made other plans, but you will still get credit for extending the invitation. Through word of mouth you can give your very closest friends and relatives the heads-up to save the date by telling them in advance that an invitation will be forthcoming for that date.

Entertaining: Guest Questions Bring Dish to Pass
Q Dish to pass question. We were recently invited to a 60th surprise birthday party. The hostess, the birthday boy's sister, has asked that everyone bring a Russian dish to pass, Russian being their ethnic background. This is not the first time this particular side of the family has asked that invitees bring food. Your thoughts?

A If this is a family tradition and you wish to take part in this ethnic tradition, take a Russian dish to the party. If you do not, tell the hostess that you are sorry but you are unable to come and send the birthday boy a card. An invitation is a social bid, either you accept the bid and sustain the relationship, or you don't.

Entertaining: Guest Strips Bed
Q Should you strip the bed at a guest's home the day you are leaving...or make it up?

A Yes, you would take all the sheets and pillow cases off the bed, fold them, and stack them at the foot of the bed along with any towels and washcloths you may have used. Would you want to sleep in someone else's used sheets?

Entertaining: Guest When Eating Out
Q What is the proper etiquette when you are asked out to dinner with friends and you know they are picking up the check? Do you order an expensive entree or middle of the price range? Thanks Dean

A You might not order the most expensive entree on the menu; find something you truly enjoy eating and go with what will make you happy.

Entertaining: Guests Who Don't RSVP
Q How do I handle guests that did not return a response card, but show up at the party anyway?

A You would handle the situation gracefully because you don't know, in fact, if the response card was delayed in the mail or even lost. Be gracious and pretend all is well and with little fuss have an extra place set for the guest. In the future, you might want to telephone people who have not responded reminding them that you need an accurate head count.

Entertaining: Guests: Gifts
Q When you have dinner guests, is it appropriate to open their wine and or prepackaged snacks to consume along with yours? Or can you save them for later to consume for ourselves to consume at another time?

A It would depend upon how many other guests are involved. One bottle of wine doesn't go very far, so if there were over six people, you probably wouldn't open it unless the guest who brought it insists. In theory, you would change glasses when you change wines. Often when a guest arrives with one bottle of wine and sees immediately that there are lots of guests, he will say something such as this, "I thought you would like this nice Bordeaux, but you don't have to open now." Also, the host can ask the guest if he would like it opened; and, of course, if he needs more wine for the party, he'll open the bottle. So, at a small gathering you could open the wine, unless the guest says to save it. Most likely if it is a large party, you would leave the bottle of wine near the front door with the other gifts. It all depends upon the situation: for instance a white wine would need to be chilled. The same goes with the prepacked snacks; however, if you have enough snacks out already, you might not need that much food. It is always polite to open any wine or prepackaged snacks, but a gift shouldn't have any strings attached to it, so you don't have to open what has been brought, especially if it doesn't fit in to what else you are serving. A lot of people feel that they cannot arrive empty handed because they don't understand that an invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation.

Entertaining: Guys + Entertaining
Q I am a guy who has never mastered the art of building new friendships with other guys. Sometimes I get invited to sporting events/golf/dinner, etc., and I never reciprocate because: 1. I don't have sports tickets or a club membership, and 2. I'm not sure how to invite guys out. Consequently, my circle of friends is roughly unchanged from my 2nd year of college (which was a while ago). Any thoughts on 1 and 2? Thanks!

A Most unmarried men who do not entertain at home will host a dinner at a restaurant, say, once a year to reciprocate invitations to parties that he attended given by his married and unmarried friends during the year. So: make a list of those whom you owe and then even out the odds with extra men or women and there is your guest list. Before the dinner memorize a seating chart and seat your guests boy, girl, boy girl. Often, if you are in business, you will be able to take the cost of the meal as a tax deduction, if, say, you do business with one of the guests. Check with your accountant first, but this is how many unmarried men entertain. The restaurant does not have to be expensive. It can be a Chinese or a barbecue restaurant. You will find that you will get many return invitations when your friends find out that you reciprocate their invitations.

Entertaining: Half Past or Half-Past
Q Half past or half-past?


A Both are correct; however, on a social invitation you might rather use half past because it looks less business-like.

Entertaining: Hands
Q Where do I put my hands during a meal?

A In my opinion, when you are listening and not talking or eating, your hands would rest in your lap anchoring your napkin. You would not rest your folded arms or elbows on the table until the last course has been cleared and you are just drinking coffee and/or after dinner drinks and talking.

Entertaining: Head Table
Q When is a head table required? I had a valentine banquet for church and did not have a head table. We had two people who were being honored (a suprise). We invited the Mayor and State Representative, but explained that we would not have a head table because it was a fellowship event. It was an opportunity for the people to mix and mingle. There was not a speaker. There was live music, dinner, and fellowship. The State Representative thought it was wonderful that he was able to mix and mingle (as he is running for office again) and so did the Mayor. However, some people in the mix were offended. Was not having a head table inappropriate? Please advise.
Thank you,
KMBR

A Head tables are awfully stuffy and the poor people who are stuck at them aren't able to talk to as many people as they would if they were at a round table of ten or twelve. It sounds as though you totally did the right thing. Unless the dinner is in honor of someone and you have speakers, you would not have a head table. As you say, people like to mix and mingle.

Entertaining: High Tea: Dress Code
Q Should your hats, shoes and gloves match if you are going to a Tea?

A They don't have to match perfectly. For instance, if your gloves are white or off-white, you would wear beige shoes and have a beige handbag. Your hat then would not necessarily have to be white, off-white or beige, but should pick up the color or colors in your dress or suit.

Entertaining: Holding a Red Wine Glass
Q When holding a red wine glass, do you hold the stem of the glass?

A No, you hold the bowl of the glass gently.

Entertaining: Holiday Cellphone Use In the Bathroom
Q During a holiday party I used the bathroom to call ahead to a restaurant to see if I could get a table. My girlfriend said that she thought using a cellphone in a host's bathroom was bad manners. Was I in the wrong? Help!

A Intel just released a Harris poll study on the importance of keeping tech tasteful during the holidays. 80 percent of the population polled feel there are unspoken rules about using mobile technology. 69 percent agreed that violating these unspoken cellphone and Blackberry etiquette guidelines, such as sending text messages and making phone calls while in the company of others, is unacceptable. 52 percent said they would be offended to see a cellphone or Blackberry being used at a holiday party. Nonetheless, despite hygiene considerations, 75 percent feel that it would be perfectly appropriate to use cellphones in the bathroom, with only 25 percent agreeing it was inappropriate behavior.

As technology becomes more integrated into our social lives, the more acceptable it becomes. Texting or calling in the privacy of the bathroom is not annoying to other party goers, except of course, if there are other guests waiting in line to use the facilities. If there is a line, get in and out fast. It only would have been "wrong" if there had been a long line of revelers waiting to use the bathroom.

Entertaining: Holiday Etiquette: New Year's Toast
Q Can you recommend a New Year's Eve toast? Every New Year's we go to our best friends' house for dinner and we all have to come up with a toast.

A Here is one that is easy to remember:
Be at war with your vices,/ At peace with your neighbors,/ And let every New Year find you a better person.

Entertaining: Holiday Invitations
Q My girlfriend and I are throwing a Christmas party and we are sending out seventy invitations to fellow students in our business school. Amanda insists that we should call it a Holiday Party, but I would like to call it a Christmas Party because we are having a tree and decorating for Christmas. How should we refer to the party in the invitation?

A Most likely the design of your invitation will have a Christmas theme or colors and the invitees will get the message that it is a Christmas Party, even if you don't use the word Christmas. Especially since you are in an academic situation, you need to use the word "Holiday" instead of "Christmas". Remember your peers in grad school will be the people you network with in business and you wouldn't want to offend anyone. An exception would be if your invitation read "Christmas 2005", because every year you numbered your party.

Entertaining: Honorees
Q Didi,
What is the appropriate invitation (i.e. letter format) and wording to send to former Board members for a dinner that will be held recognizing their dedicated years of service?
Their spouses are also invited to attend.

Thank you,
Shari

A The protocol is for the head of the current board to phone each of the former board members being honored to tell him or her personally of the current board's plan. At that time he/she would make sure that the date that has been chosen works for all of the honorees. Before you do the inviting, you have to be sure that you have all of your honorees on board for that date.

Nonetheless, you wouldn't send a letter inviting them because each honoree would be phoned first. Your plan is not complete until you have a confirmed date that works for all those who are being honored. Once the date has been agreed upon, then the letter confirming the commitment can be sent out.

Entertaining: Honoring A Mentor
Q How would I word an invitation to a party honoring a certain person who has helped me in my life?

A You are not giving me much to work with because I don't know if you are giving the party with your spouse and I don't know what kind of a party you are giving for the honoree, but here is the standard form:

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Columbus
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail-Buffet
in honor of
Dr. William Shakespeare
on Thursday, April 1st
from six to nine o'clock
The Brook Club
New York City
RSVP
(your telephone number)

Entertaining: Honoring Church Member to Supreme Court
Q We are having a party to honor a friend and fellow Church member who was recently promoted to the Supreme Court. Could you suggest how we word the invitations?

A I would like to help you but I will need some more information in order to give you the proper advice. Is the church hosting the party? Are you hosting the party, are you Mr. and Mrs.? Does the friend being honored have a wife? What sort of a party? If you will please return to my Web site and ask the question again covering these details, I will be happy to give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Entertaining: Honoring Outgoing Board Members
Q What is an appropriate gift to present to outgoing Board members who have served for 9 years on the Board with total commitment and more to the organization.

Thank you.

A Have the organization host a private luncheon or dinner with lots of short toasts sighting the various things that the individual Board member has done or helped the organization accomplish. As a token, a photo or print of something that brands the organization such as a statue, painting, or building that the honoree can hang on his wall is always impressive. It could be as simple and inexpensive as a framed invitation for a centennial or other commemorative event that the Board member had helped take place. That sort of memento is always a good conversation piece.

The one thing that you don't want to do is to spend a lot of money on the gift because it will be considered a foolish waste of donors' contributions. It is not about how much you spend, but more about the sentiment and how the organization shows appreciation. Many organizations give a simple plaque of appreciation made up with the honoree's name engraved on it and it is presented at the annual meeting.

During this downturn in the economy, why not use a dinner to celebrate the honorees to raise more money and open it up to your list of donors as a fundraiser? What a great honor that would be! Don't make it a black-tie affair, just make it early and seated, perhaps starting with cocktails at six o'clock followed by a seated dinner with perhaps a pianist playing during cocktails. You want your other donors to look up to the Board members who are retiring as role models. Then they'll think that perhaps someday they might be honored, too, at a fundraising dinner for the organization. You would get invitation lists from all the honorees of their close friends and family and business colleagues who will all want to buy tables, or at least a ticket or two to the dinner.

As I know nothing about your organization, or budget, these are rather general suggestions.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Being Asked to Take Off Your Shoes
Q I'm having a mardi gras at my home. Is it proper to ask the invitees to remove their shoes and should I provide footie socks for them? thanks

A Please go to the top of the page and click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Entertaining: Party Etiquette: Wet Boots, because you might be amused by my answer.

In a medical supply store you should be able to buy a box of surgical booties for your guests to tie on over their shoes.

Personally, as you will see from the last answer on this subject, I feel that shoes are part of my outfit and being asked to wear footie socks would really annoy me.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Ending the Party
Q I love giving cocktail parties but there comes a point when I want everyone to leave. I have thought about putting the word "precisely" after 8:00 PM to indicate on the invitiation the end of the affair but it sounds rude. Aside from saying, "Sorry to throw you out," what can I say to move guests out the door?

A Why not say to your guests with a handshake or a kiss, "So glad you were able to come." Alternatively, you can always announce that you are going on somewhere else afterwards, which is usually the case summer evenings in Newport.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Feeding Young Adults
Q My son is celebrating his 21st birthday party at our house. We've promised that we won't come downstairs, but we've told him we will be in the house. I offered to have the party catered with cold cuts, pastas, and salads, even though the party is not for dinner, but my son says that it would seem childish. My husband and I don't want him and his friends drinking on an empty stomach and then driving home. What's a parent to do?

A Find a caterer who can make up sandwiches using sandwich buns and put them on large platters. He should be able to provide you with a large coffee urn, paper cups with tops, cream and sugar, and paper plates and napkins. The caterer will set up a buffet table with all the sandwiches, make the coffee, and leave before the guests arrive. If you also ask him to leave a basket of wrapped sandwiches marked "Ham and Cheese," "Peanut Butter + Bacon," "Egg Salad," etcetera, it will encourage people to take a sandwich for the road. I would stay away from salted chips and dips that can make one thirsty and the sugar highs of sweet desserts, but if he places a basket of donuts next to the coffee urn, the donuts should absorb some of the alcohol---perhaps.

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Placecards: Missing Guest Name
Q How do you address placecards when you don't have the name of the guest?

A You telephone or e-mail the guest and say, "We (I) don't seem to have the name of your guest, would you please give me the correct spelling of his/her name so that it is correct on the placecard." Then say that you appreciate the response. At a formal dinner, you would never put down a blank placecard or a placecard that says, "Guest."

Entertaining: Host Etiquette: Surprised Guest
Q I had a friend who invited me to dinner, and then invited a 3rd party along at the last moment without my knowledge. Is this appropriate? The friend said they wanted to take me out to thank me for being a good friend. I was looking forward to a relaxing dinner, and then the day before my friend told me that she had invited my mother to come also. I felt my friend should have asked if that would be okay with me, prior to inviting my mother. Am I being selfish? What is the rule of thumb in general for inviting a third party to an already planned event? I would appreciate any guidance you can give. My friend said that I am being too uptight and her philosophy is "the more the merrier". She says it should not matter to me who shows up for dinner. I think it would have been fine to invite my mother if I had known at the beginning and could have made preparations. My sister ended up coming too! (The original invite was only for myself from my friend). Am I being ungrateful of selfish? Thanks for any advice you can give. Signed Three is a crowd sometimes.

A You were disappointed that you couldn't have a quiet dinner with your friend. You are right. Your friend should have given you the heads-up that she was also inviting your mother and sister. I don't blame you for not liking surprises. Now you know, next time your friend wants to make a plan ask, "Who else are you inviting?" Then at least you have the option to opt out.

Entertaining: Host Houseguest Etiquette: Pitching In
Q I am fortunate to have a large apartment in a popular city, but since I now live alone I find that my friends love to come to visit. As much as I love the company, and I do, when the friend leaves I feel resentful having had to clean up after him or her. I don't mind changing the sheets, but I do mind having to tidy up the bathroom and finding their dirty dishes in the sink when I come home. How can I politely ask my friends to pitch in without embarrassing them---and myself?

A Why not post a list of "rules" for houseguests. You needn't call them rules. On a message board where you collect phone numbers and take-out menus, clearly state a list of expectations for your guests. If that seems too crude, have a calligrapher write out the list, frame it, and hang it in the guest bathroom. You can always say that it was a gift from a previous guest. At any rate, don't make the list too long or picayune. "Tips for the perfect houseguest: tidy up the bedroom and bathroom; leaves sheets and towels in the laundry basket; empty the wastebasket; turn off lights; put dishes and glasses in the dishwasher." If you do this, be sure to leave cleaning products in sight to help the guest remember the house rules. Nowadays, the green-friendly cleaning products are quite attractive and along with a fresh sponge set in a basket on the bathroom floor all are quite user-friendly. Best of all, the job should get done.

Entertaining: Host Wants No Children
Q How do you word "no children" or adults only?

A You might not want to put "no children" on an invitation because you might not want a negative connotation, which might be considered bad vibes, on your invitation. So: use a fill-in invitation and handwrite the names of the people you are inviting. Be sure to have an RSVP so when people call you to tell you they are coming, you can tell them you are not inviting any children. By word of mouth the word will get out that your party is "adults only." You might use an invitation such as this:

Caroline and Charles Dickens
request the please of the company of
(write in the guests name(s) here)
for a cocktail buffet
etc.

RSVP
(your telephone number)

Entertaining: Hostess Etiquette: Houseguest Invitation
Q My husband and I were invited to Jamaica to stay with a recently widowed friend who fashions herself a popular socialite. We had previous plans to stay for five nights at the other end of the island and she insisted that we come and stay with her for "as long as we like," before going home. We talked several times about the number of nights we would be staying with her before booking our airfares which were not refundable. She chose the date and I told her in writing that our tickets were nonrefundable. Just before we were to leave for Jamaica, she said that two other couples would be overlapping our stay and that we would have to leave three days early or go to a hotel. We ended up staying at a hotel nearby for the last two nights. Our hostess never apologized for disinviting us for those last two nights and yet she is always complaining about people who make commitments to her and then break them. I sit there counting to ten wondering if I should remind her of the fact that she did the exact same thing to us. I thought that it was the height of rudeness to invite someone and at the last moment disinvite them knowing the dates of our airline tickets. Would it be really rude of me to bring this up in conversation the next time that she complains to me, or is it best to move on and forget about it? She has invited us to come back next winter.

A This hostess might be wealthy, but she is no lady. Now you know. Next time she invites you because she is lonely, tell her that she has to promise not to kick you out earlier if someone else wants your room. If you say it in an amusing manner, she should get the hint. However, even if she is smart enough to catch on, chances are it won't change her behavior. She sounds spoiled, thoughtless and unkind. I am not sure that you should really consider her your true friend.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift
Q Should you take a hostess gift to a seated dinner party in honor of another couple?

A No, you are under no obligation, whatsoever, to take a hostess gift. However, you do have to send a thank-you note or telephone your hostess the next day to thank her personally. You can send flowers or a book, which you think they might enjoy, but because the hostess is entertaining you, she might prefer to be entertained by you in the future. Socializing is about taking turns entertaining one another. Next time it is your turn.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift
Q What should I bring as a hostess gift?

A It would depend upon the event, how long you are staying, and how many people you are bringing. If you and your husband, say, are going for the weekend, you would arrive with a gift of say, a coffee table book on a favorite subject of the hostess and a couple of bottles of wine. During the course of the weekend, you would invite your hosts out for a meal letting them suggest the restaurant. If you are going just for dinner, you would bring, say, a bottle of wine to be opened at another time, a book, a box of handmade chocolates. But remember that a social bid is best reciprocated with a social bid. It is not about the booty or the hostess gift, it is about returning the invitation. The most important thing is to thank the hostess the next day either by phone or in a handwritten note.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift + Thank-you
Q When giving a hostess gift do you enclude a small card with a thank you for your hospitality and send a thank you note later or just the gift or the gift no card and a thank you note later?

A It would depend upon the extent of the hospitality. For instance, if the hostess is throwing you a birthday party or a shower, you would give a gift, telephone her the next day to say thank-you, and send her a thank-you note. If you are a weekend guest, you might do all of the above or just two. If you are going to her house for a dinner party and are bringing a gift, you might call her the following day to tell her how much you enjoyed the party. If it is a cocktail party, the hostess gift with a small card is enough thanks.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift for Open House
Q Do you take a gift for the hostess at an open house?

A You can take a small gift but you do not have to. You might, however, telephone the hostess the next day to tell her you had a good time and compliment her about the food or music or decor.

Entertaining: Hostess Gift Table
Q Is it all right not to open presents at a party?

A It is your party and you can do what you want to. Designate a place for people to put their gifts when they arrive and that will give them the clue that you are too busy being a good hostess to open gifts just yet.

Entertaining: Hostess Gifts
Q What is the appropriate gift to give someone the first time you visit their home?

A Traditionally, if it is a new home, in New England you would bring a container of very good salt. For instance, a box of Malden salt. The traditional stems from the fact that salt was considered good luck, especially when a pinch is thrown over the shoulder. If the house is not new and it is not a new residence for your host, hand-milled boxed soaps, as are room sprays and candles, artisan jams, cheeses and breads, wine or champagne, a box of fine chocolates, a best selling novel or mystery, CDs, and flowers, are always appreciated. It would depend upon the occasion, how long you are staying, for instance, if you are visiting for the weekend or just stopping by for a cup of tea.

Entertaining: Hostess Gifts to Co-Hosts
Q My daughter is the guest of honor at her high school graduation luncheon. This is being given by her former Sunday school teacher but is being hosted at another's house. Are we required to purchase both hostess gifts?

A In my opinion, your daughter would send flowers to her former Sunday school teacher and also to the person whose house is being used for the luncheon. Send the flowers the day before so they have a chance to acclimate. In the days following the luncheon, your daughter should write thank-you notes to both hosts. As they are co-hosting the luncheon, you would treat them equally. As you know, even though one person is giving the party, presumabaly paying for the luncheon, the owner of the house will incur certain expenses in preparation, as well as clean up.

Entertaining: Hosting a Housewarming
Q If you have lived in other homes before this one, can you still have a housewarming party for yourself? If so, what should someone bring to the party?

A By all means, any excuse for a party is a good thing. Your gift would depend upon your relationship with the person and how generous you are so I can't tell you what to give them but you could ask them if they are registered on any gift registries, and take it from there. Otherwise, if you go back to my Web site and click on "Frequently Asked Questions," in the navigation bar and scroll down to "Entertaining," there is a long list of "Token Gifts," which are thoughtful, but not expensive. Yes, it would make sense to host a housewarming party in your new house because you want people to see the house.

Entertaining: Hosting a Housewarming
Q Does a person throw themselves their own housewarming party?

A In my opinion, you can host a housewarming party for yourself as long as you take the emphasis off of the push for presents. Focus the party on the camaraderie of your friends and relatives.

Entertaining: Hosting a Pot Luck Pig Roast
Q How do you ask guests to bring a food item to a pig roast, hoping not to get duplicates, in a polite way on an invition?

A The most efficient way might be to stronghold your guests over the phone and hash out a definite commitment to bring such-and-such. Then you might follow up the phone call with a handwritten thank-you note or postcard thanking them for making "potato salad for twenty people." Be specific. Find out what the person enjoys making because if you are asking her to make potato salad and she is on a 1,100 calorie a day diet, she won't be too into potato salad. Don't let people say, I'll get back to you, because that is way too iffy and usually means something negative. Like many others who write to me, I have had too many guests show up not remembering to bring their food item. By the way, be sure your follow-up postcard has the date, time, and quantity, as well as the address and your telephone number(s), in case at the last minute Johnny gets sick and the parents don't want to leave a sick child with a sitter.

Have back-ups like hunks of cheeses and crackers, chips with dips, and lots of plates of cookies. Depending upon how many guests you are planning on serving, try to get more because there will always be "no shows" and those who arrive in time for dessert without their potato salad.

If any of your guests sound doubtful about being able to attend, do not count on their food item.

Before you make your phone calls, ask your best friends what so-and-so cooks best and make that notation next to their name. Then when you are on the phone with her you can suggest so-and-so, or let her offer an alternative.
Ahead of time, plan an "In a Perfect World Pig Roast Menu," and try to fill those slots when your friends suggest their specialty food item. Don't let them say, "Don't worry, I'll bring a salad," and then they arrive with a plate full of commercial brownies. On the card you have thanked them for offering to bring potato salad, so you need to make it clear that you are expecting, even counting on their fabulous, famous potato salad. A little flattery goes a long way in the kitchen.

If some of your guests sounded iffy, or if some are known to be flaky, star those names on your list and telephone them the day before and say: "I know you said you would make potato salad, but silly me, I forgot to write down how many portions you are bringing. Is it twelve or twenty?" That way you can get them to refocus without sounding like a nag.

Entertaining: Hosts Makes Guests Take Off Shoes
Q I want people to take their shoes off when they come to my home, but I also don't want them to be barefoot or in their socks. Can I have them put on booties like they wear in the hospital?

A By making people put on silly booties you are setting a negative tone to their visit. If you don't want people in your home, then entertain in a public place but don't make a big issue out of their shoes and socks; it is downright rude. If you must be a fussy host, find decorative slippers in an ethnic boutique to fill a basket by your front door and suggest that they take off their shoes and wear exotic slippers.

Entertaining: Hours for Brunch
Q What time of day is brunch served?

A Brunch is served between nine o'clock and two o'clock. There is no rule carved in stone. The times that a restaurant serves brunch depend upon the kitchen and the lunch business which is a more expensive menu. In a private home, the preferred time to serve brunch is from eleven o'clock to one o'clock.

Entertaining: House Guest Rules
Q What are the rules for houseguests re: doing their personal laundry before going back to their own homes; helping themselves to food or alcohol; cleaning bathroom (in their bedroom) after staying a week (if there is no prof. cleaning service)

What is appropriate "contribution" if staying a week or more? (ie: gas; gift; dinner treat, etc.)

How should hostess initiate "rules" without being rude?




A The host might suggest that guests leave their laundry in the laundry room or show them how to use the equipment. I'll say, "I am doing laundry, do you have anything you would like to have washed?" The guest would replace any alcohol they consume. Make a trip to the liquor store together and suggest that they replace the gin or whatever it is that they drink. Or you can send him or her to the store with a list of things to buy.

For every night spent as a houseguest, the guests pay for a meal or contributes to the meal by buying the wine, the lobsters, picking up the supermarket bill. Or, the guests would offer to treat at a restaurant for either breakfast, lunch or dinner. If the guests ask to borrow your car, suggest that the car is low on gas and they might want to fill the tank. Often guests will have an expertise and implement an improvement. We had a guest for a week who wired our garden and bought the light fixtures. Another guest, a famous landscape architect, designed our garden.

The guests would smoke outside and not in their room. Good guests entertain themselves for a couple of hours a day. They get out of the house and go off on their own to give the host some space. Guests do not use the phone, computer, or stereo without permission, or invite guests without permission. The best thing to do is to start the visit off with a breakfast talk telling the guests your daily routine and suggesting places that the guests might visit or things they might do on their own. If you communicate from the start, the visit will be pleasant. If there is something of concern to you, for instance, you want to make sure that the shower curtain is positioned so that water does not hit the bathroom floor, then voice your concern. The morning that the guests leave, instruct them how you want them to leave their room. You might say, please, don't make your bed and you can leave the towels you used at the foot of your bed. If you have a cleaning person, then guests would tip him or her five dollars a day for every night spent. I, personally, would not ask guests to clean their own room or bathroom, but I suppose you could ask them, if you instruct them on where to find the cleaning products and how you like it done, but it might be easier to just do it yourself the way you want it done.

Entertaining: House Guest: Dirty Sheets
Q Every summer we are invited to our good friends' beachfront house for the weekend. In return, they visit us in our country house in the fall, so it has become a ritual. The big difference is that all summer long their guest rooms are filled and I inevitably find pubic hairs on the sheets our first night. Also, it being summer, I am awake most of the night repulsed by the scent of the house guest(s) who slept in the bed before us. I've thought of bringing our own sheets, but, if by chance, my friend checked our room during the day while we were out and discovered that we had brought our own clean sheets, she would be insulted. Aside from bringing sleeping bags and hiding them under the bed during the day, how can I communicate to my good friend that clean sheets are important to us?

A Arrive with the a large bottle of water protruding from your tote bag and casually take a sip of it in front of your hostess before taking your bags to your room. Then just before dinner find her to tell her that silly you spilled some of your bottled water on the bed and ask if you could you please take dry sheets from the linen closet and make-up the bed yourself? She won't inspect the bed, but she will try to accommodate you with fresh sheets, if there are any. If there aren't any, then throw the sheets in the washing machine yourself and hope that she won't ask you why you didn't just put them in the dryer. By then it will be too late because they will be splashing around in sudsy water.

Entertaining: House Guest: Germs
Q A guest in my house visited a hospital patient, returned to my home, did not wash her hands and used them to take ice cubes from the tray for her drink. I am squeamish about dirty hands. Can I ask her to wash her hands before handling the ice?

A Firstly, the ice cubes that she popped out of the ice tray for her drink were sterilized because they would have had to have been frozen.

Secondly, if she's reasonably alert, she took advantage of the hand-cleansing dispensers that are everywhere in hospitals these days; it would have been hard for her to not have taken advantage of them. Therefore, you should cut your friend some slack because she cannot be all that stupid, if she didn't take advantage of them.

If you're not sure about this, use an antibacterial agent on a clean cloth and wipe all of your phones, doorknobs, faucets, and kitchen handles, whatever in your house that you think that she might have touched. Ice cube trays are not really a hazard because if the temperature freezes the water for the ice, the germs have been zapped.

Entertaining: House Guest: Setting Boundaries + Communicating Expectations
Q A relative asked if she could stay at my house for a week while her parent was in the hospital and subsequently moved to a nursing home. I assumed she would be at the hospital most of the day, and did not plan to prepare meals (I live alone and have an erratic schedule). It turned out visiting hours were limited and she was at my house during all three meals. Was I rude not to invite her to eat meals for a week? Had I known the visiting hours, I would have told her she's welcome to a bedroom and bathroom but I would not be responsible for her meals. She seems to be pouting about this. Was I wrong?


A Whenever one has a houseguest, whatever the reason, it is important to establish boundaries from the get-go. Tell her to help herself to breakfast: then add that because your busy schedule is so erratic, she needs to plan on having lunch and dinner on her own.

Entertaining: House Guests Etiquette: Hosts Inviting Guests
Q We love to visit our friends in the mountains in the fall and they seem to enjoy coming to us at the seashore in the summer. Sometimes it is awkward when they want to come for a busy weekend where we already have plans, but we'll go out of our way to ask the host if our guests can be accommodated, too. Usually they say yes and then we go out of our way to thank the host by reciprocating at another time. When we were in the mountains last fall, these friends went off to a cocktail party given by mutual friends and we waited in the rain for them to return because our hosts hadn't gone to the trouble of getting us invited to the cocktail party, too. Now we have a holiday summer weekend coming up and have been invited to a seated dinner dance. In the past, I would have gone out of my way to see that our house guests, who are known to the hostess, be invited too, but I do not feel that I need to go out of my way, after all they will be with us for several days. How do I let our house guests know that we will be running off for a dinner dance without them? Or is that too terribly rude? Please tell us how to handle this.

A Forewarn your friends which evening you will be out and say that they are welcome to invite someone over for the evening. Say that you didn't think that they would mind your accepting this dinner dance, since they had gone off to a cocktail party on their own when you visited them in the mountains. Reminding them gently and saying that you are obviously good enough friends to understand that they could make do on their own for an evening is the best way to deal with this.

Entertaining: House Guests: Refusing Gifts
Q I've been lucky, I have a fabulous country house and lots of friends who love to come for weekends. My husband and I love these house parties because we like to have company. The problem is that in this economic downturn, we know that many of our friends can no longer afford to bring us the luxury gifts that they feel that they have to bring as a house present. We are extremely well off, we don't need more champagne or handmade chocolates. How do I tell them, without being patronizing, that we love their presence, but we don't need their presents.

A The way to discourage guests from bringing presents without seeming patronizing, is to make it crystal-clear that during this economic downturn you've instituted a house rule that guests are not to bring gifts. No house presents. Then say, "So, if you do bring a gift after I've told the others about the new rule, they will feel awful having not brought a gift and we wouldn't want that, would we?" Then, if you like, you can encourage a guest to make himself useful and feel appreciated. For instance, you can ask a master gardener her opinion on one of your gardens, a decorator (or just someone whose taste you admire) his opinion on what colors to paint certain rooms. Even if it is just accompanying your husband while he runs an errand, taking a walk with you early in the morning, playing backgammon with your son, or challenging your daughter to a game of chess, you will be letting that guest know that you are pleased to have him in your home. During the course of the weekend you can reiterate your appreciation by saying, "We love it when you come for the weekend, you always make us laugh." Or, "You always know what's going on in the world and you make it seem so less daunting." All of us have something to offer; find that special interest or expertise and appreciate it.

Entertaining: Houseguest Etiquette: Changing Sheets Between Guests
Q Should you change bed linens between family members spending the night at your house from night to night?

A Yes, you most definitely need to change the bed linens and towels between family members spending the night at your house. You do not have to change the linens every morning for the same guest, but when one bed becomes vacated, it needs to be fresh for the next occupant. There is nothing so gross as pulling back the bedding and seeing tiny curly crotch hairs or lying awake trying to detect if the smell on the sheets is somebody else's normal body odor or sexual juices.

Entertaining: Houseguest Etiquette: Phone Calls
Q How can we politely ask our dear, older friend either to stop making overseas calls on our land line or contribute to the telephone bill? We enjoy his company as a frequent houseguest when he's in New York and he is generous reciprocating when we visit him in Rome, but as houseguests we use our own cellphones. We wouldn't mind paying a couple of calls, but these are lengthly calls to cities all over Europe.

Thanks

A The fact that this gentleman is a longtime, good friend should make it easier. With a bit of humor you can focus his attention on the fact that you enjoy his visits, but you dread opening the phone bill after he's left by saying something such this, "We are going to bring you into the Twenty First Century, Antonio, by looking into getting you a transatlantic cellphone because as much as we really love your visits, your phone calls would be easier for you to write-off."

Your houseguest will be mortified, but he will also recognize the fact that he's been taking advantage of your generosity by not reimbursing you for his many calls. He'll know that to be in your good graces, he'll have to find out how much he owes you and apologize for not remembering to ask you in the past. Once you've established this boundary, reward him with a glass of your best single malt Scotch.

Entertaining: Houseguest Etiquette: Phones
Q Should a houseguest ask permission to use the telephone for long distance calls? The guest has his own cell phone, but feels very "at home" and has been told to think of himself as "a member of the family".

A Even if the houseguest has been told to think of himself as a member of the family, he should not incur any additional expenses for his host. He should be a self-sustaining guest and use his cellphone, not the house phone for long distance calls.

Entertaining: Houseguest Etiquette: Sleeping In
Q When I can, I love to sleep late on weekends, since I get up early for work on weekdays. If I'm staying with friend on the weekend, how late can I sleep without being rude (assuming there are no morning activities planned)?

A Before retiring for the evening, tell your friend just that. Say, "Would you mind if I slept late tomorrow, I'm really looking forward to a good night's sleep." But since it is not really a question you can add, "Don't worry about my breafast." That way you won't be stressing about keeping people waiting for breakfast.

Entertaining: Houseguest Tip
Q Houseguests leaves large tip. Is a thank-you note to this guest required?

A When a houseguest leaves a tip, no matter how large, no thank-you note is required. He is thanking you for your service. Sending him a thank-you note for his tip for serving you becomes a kind of a ping-pong game that no one wants to play.

Entertaining: Houseguest Towels
Q Do you hang clean towels for guests on the bathroom racks or do you leave them in the closet?

A Always have fresh towels on the racks in the bathroom when expecting that guests might be in need of a towel or washcloth. If the towels are to be used by more than one couple, you might either stack another set of towels in their room and when you take them to their room upon their arrival you would say, "Your towels are here at the end of your bed," or if they are on the racks, you might say, "Your towels are on the racks in the bathroom." If there is just one couple using the towels on the racks in the bathroom, you would not need to tell them anything because they will assume those towels are for them. I always have a couple of extra towels and washcloths of a different texture stacked in the guest bathroom so that guests have an option. People will not want to rummage through your closet looking for a towel.

Entertaining: Houseguests
Q Is a host expected to prepare 3 full meals a day to overnight guests who stay for a week?

A I should say not. No guest would expect such generosity, even if the host has a lot of staff. The rule of thumb is that the guest either takes the host out to a restaurant for one meal a day or buys groceries and makes, say, dinner. A good guest, also, goes off on his or her own for a good part of the day, letting the host off the hook for having to provide, say, lunch or dinner. The only meal a host politely should provide is breakfast. After that the guest fends for him or herself and, also, treats the host.

Entertaining: Houseguest's Dos + Don'ts
Q What are the rules of etiquette for things to do and not do when you are a houseguest?

A I went back to my website, www.newportmanners.com, home page and found these tips under Frequently Asked Questions, which I think will be useful to you:

Question:
When you are a houseguest, what do you do with your bed when you leave? Do you remake it or do you leave it unmade?
Answer:
Ask your host. Say, "What should I do with the sheets on my bed?" If the host is not available, fold the sheets, pillow cases, and any towels and washcloth you used and stack them at the foot of the bed. If the house is staffed with servants and you can afford to leave a tip, leave the bed unmade and a small tip on the night table. Five or ten dollars for each night depending upon how much extra time the staff member spent on you personally. For instance if they shined your shoes or pressed your clothing, you would tip on the generous side according to your ability. It is best to leave the cash in an envelope with the staff member's name on it with the words "thank you," but if there are no envelopes in the desk, don't worry about it, just leave the cash; they will appreciate it.

Question:
As a guest in a the home of a friend, what do I do with the towels after bathing?
Answer:
Hang up the damp towels and washcloth; however, on your last day you might want to strip the bed, fold the sheets, and stack the folded sheets and towels at the end of your bed, unless, of course, your host instructs otherwise.

Question:
What is proper when staying with friends while on vacation (we're going down South)? Should I bring gifts for everyone in the family? Or should I prepare a meal for them while I'm there to thank them? Or should I just say Thank You?
Answer:
Arrive with a gift for your host and hostess. Depending upon how long you will be houseguests, try to administer an act of kindness every day, whether it is helping in the kitchen or taking your host and hostess out for a meal at the restaurant of their choice, or perhaps buying food or flowers. No, you do not have to bring gifts for everybody; however, if there are small children, small gifts for them will help them to be more welcoming. When you return home you would send a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you note detailing all the many ways you are grateful for their hospitality.

Question:
When I have houseguests and we go out to dinner, whose responsibility is the restaurant bill?
Answer:
It depends who does the inviting. A good houseguest will invite you out for at least one meal. If the houseguest does not invite you but you all go out for dinner, wait for him to ask for the check. If the check arrives without being asked for, wait for him to pick it up. If he doesn't eventually pick it up, say something such as this, "Well, shall we share it then?" By then, he should have picked up his cue and paid the bill, but if he doesn't he might not have the money. The next time he suggests going out to dinner, say, "Are you treating?" Unfortunately, if you are much richer than the houseguest and you suggest going out to eat, he will assume that you are treating him.

Question:
Should a houseguest ask permission to use the telephone for long distance calls? The guest has his own cell phone, but feels very "at home" and has been told to think of himself as "a member of the family".
Answer:
Even if the houseguest has been told to think of himself as a member of the family, he should not incur any additional expenses for his host. He should be a self-sustaining guest and use his cellphone, not the house phone for long distance calls.

Question:
Do you hang clean towels for guests on the bathroom racks or do you leave them in the closet?
Answer:
Always have fresh towels on the racks in the bathroom when expecting that guests might be in need of a towel or washcloth. If the towels are to be used by more than one couple, you might either stack another set of towels in their room and when you take them to their room upon their arrival you would say, "Your towels are here at the end of your bed," or if they are on the racks, you might say, "Your towels are on the racks in the bathroom." If there is just one couple using the towels on the racks in the bathroom, you would not need to tell them anything because they will assume those towels are for them. I always have a couple of extra towels and washcloths of a different texture stacked in the guest bathroom so that guests have an option. People will not want to rummage through your closet looking for a towel.

Entertaining: Houseguests Strip Bed
Question:
When my husband and I are guests in someone's home, when we are on our last day, do we strip the bed and ask for new sheets to make it? or do we remake the bed without striping it? or do we strip it and make it up without sheets. This has always been a dilemma for us. Thanks!
Answer:
On your last day, if your host has not instructed you otherwise and there are no servants in evidence, strip the bed and fold the sheets and pillow cases neatly and place them at the foot of your bed. Then fold the towels and washcloths and place them on top of the folded sheets.

Question:
What are the rules for houseguests re: doing their personal laundry before going back to their own homes; helping themselves to food or alcohol; cleaning bathroom (in their bedroom) after staying a week (if there is no prof. cleaning service)

What is appropriate "contribution" if staying a week or more? (ie: gas; gift; dinner treat, etc.)
How should hostess initiate "rules" without being rude?
Answer:
The host might suggest that guests leave their laundry in the laundry room or show them how to use the equipment. I'll say, "I am doing laundry, do you have anything you would like to have washed?" The guest would replace any alcohol they consume. Make a trip to the liquor store together and suggest that they replace the gin or whatever it is that they drink. Or you can send him or her to the store with a list of things to buy.

For every night spent as a houseguest, the guests pay for a meal or contributes to the meal by buying the wine, the lobsters, picking up the supermarket bill. Or, the guests would offer to treat at a restaurant for either breakfast, lunch or dinner. If the guests ask to borrow your car, suggest that the car is low on gas and they might want to fill the tank. Often guests will have an expertise and implement an improvement. We had a guest for a week who wired our garden and bought the light fixtures. Another guest, a famous landscape architect, designed our garden.

The guests would smoke outside and not in their room. Good guests entertain themselves for a couple of hours a day. They get out of the house and go off on their own to give the host some space. Guests do not use the phone, computer, or stereo without permission, or invite guests without permission. The best thing to do is to start the visit off with a breakfast talk telling the guests your daily routine and suggesting places that the guests might visit or things they might do on their own. If you communicate from the start, the visit will be pleasant. If there is something of concern to you, for instance, you want to make sure that the shower curtain is positioned so that water does not hit the bathroom floor, then voice your concern. The morning that the guests leave, instruct them how you want them to leave their room. You might say, please, don't make your bed and you can leave the towels you used at the foot of your bed. If you have a cleaning person, then guests would tip him or her five dollars a day for every night spent. I, personally, would not ask guests to clean their own room or bathroom, but I suppose you could ask them, if you instruct them on where to find the cleaning products and how you like it done, but it might be easier to just do it yourself the way you want it done.

Entertaining: Houseguests Strip Bed
Q When my husband and I are guests in someones home, when we are on our last day, do we strip the bed and ask for new sheets to make it? or do we remake the bed without striping it? or do we strip it and make it up without sheets. This has always been a dilema for us. Thanks!

A On your last day, if your host has not instructed you otherwise and there are not servants in evidence, strip the bed and fold the sheets and pillow cases neatly and place them at the foot of your bed. Then fold the towels and washcloths and place them on top of the folded sheets.

Entertaining: Houseguests: Who Buys Dinner
Q When I have houseguests and we go out to dinner, whose responsibility is the restaurant bill?


A It depends who does the inviting. A good houseguest will invite you out for at least one meal. If the houseguest does not invite you but you all go out for dinner, wait for him to ask for the check. If the check arrives without being asked for, wait for him to pick it up. If he doesn't eventually pick it up, say somthing such as this, "Well, shall we share it then?" By then, he should have picked up his cue and paid the bill, but if he doesn't he might not have the money. The next time he suggests going out to dinner, say, "Are you treating?" Unfortunately, if you are much richer than the houseguest and you suggest going out to eat, he will assume that you are treating him.

Entertaining: Housewarming
Q Who is responsible for giving a housewarming, the homeowner or friends/family of the homeowners?

A Traditionally, the homeowners might host a party for their friends and family to come and see their new house. New homes are often christened and can be a part of the housewarming where a member of the clergy will christen the house at that time. Family and friends might offer to bring specific food or wine to the housewarming but usually the owners host the party.

Entertaining: Housewarming
Q When moving to a new house, is it the new homeowners that host a housewarming party?

A I am sorry, I am the totally wrong person to ask because I am not a huge fan of soliciting gifts for anything but a charity. The homeowners host the party in their home but don't solicit for gifts; they will come bearing gifts.

Entertaining: Housewarming Gifts
Q My sister and I disagree infrequently about most things; however, when it comes to etiquette issues...HELP! I am purchasing my first home and have the idea of hosting my housewarming for a few close intimate friends whom I've known for years and are excited about my new house. Is it inappropriate to send a list (via email or personally) with suggested items I know I need, i.e. broom, mop and bucket, lawn equipment, etc.? Further, is it tacky to suggest picking two items from the list in case they can't decide? I suggest it's ok in light of bridal showers, baby showers which are expected and never questioned. I was born in New England and my sis was born in California...perhaps that's why we don't see eye to eye on this one. What do you say?

A Most houseware chains have registries these day for all occasions and not just weddings. Why not go to your local Bed, Bath + Beyond or Linens + Things, and register for a broom, bucket, mop and lawn care products. Then tell these close friends whom you are inviting where you're registered. You can drop the hint casually in conversation by saying, "My sister told me to register at Linens + Things, because I really need practical stuff for the new house." Then you can ask them if they think that was necessary, the conversation will go from there, and they will ask you what you need.

Entertaining: Housewarming Hosts
Q Who normally throws a person a housewarming party

A The people who own the house that is being celebrated throw themselves a housewarming party so that friends and family can see their new home. Often the house is blessed as part of the celebration.

Entertaining: Housewarming Not in Your House
Q If you just purchased a new home and wanted to have a housewarming, can you have the housewarming at another location other than your home?

A The purpose of a housewarming party is show your family and friends your new home. So: why would you have the party at someone else's house? I would wait until your house is ready for visitors and have a party to celebrate then. Many people have their houses blessed and invite people to witness what has now become a "housewarming."

Entertaining: Housewarming Party: Clubhouse
Q Is it proper etiquette to have a housewarming party in a clubhouse instead of your apartment?

A As much as I would like to give you the heads-up, because I am all for any excuse for a party, the purpose of a housewarming party is to show off your new digs. People will feel cheated if you ask them for a housewarming present and they don't get to see your house. It would be analogous to hosting a birthday party and not inviting the honoree. If you feel that your house is too small to invite everyone you want to invite, then divide your guest list in half and hold two parties. You might have family and closest friends at one and co-workers and other friends at the second, or host one party inviting just married couples and the second for singles. So, no, it is not proper to host a housewarming party in a clubhouse. If you want an excuse to hold a party at your club, then celebrate the upcoming wedding of a friend, or throw yourself a birthday or anniversary party. If you hold a house warming party in a clubhouse, it's not really authentic and seems to violate the purpose.

Entertaining: Housewarming Party: Many Age Groups
Q We have just moved to a home 40 minutes away from our previous one. Several families from the old neighborhood have asked us to host a house- warming party so that they can come see our new place and spend a little time with us. Many of those families have several children. We have 6 children of our own (ages 2-16). Although our new house is larger, the open areas and tile floors make it exceptionally noisy if we have even a few rowdy children. My husband would like to have an adults only open house type party but the children would like to see their friends. Two separate parties is unworkable because of the distance involved for families to travel. And if we tried a party and each child only invited 3-4 friends, I would have my hands too full to appropriately supervise and entertain 18-24 children of various ages. I suggested the idea of a youth party held in the garage for the 16, 13, 11 and 8-year-old's friends. My hubby loved the idea but the kids didn't! The older two don't want to be bothered by the younger kids. Is there a polite way to invite only certain children, or to ask that parents leave the children at home whom they are unwilling to supervise? Or is there another idea that i just haven't found yet? Please help me to keep the peace and still have the open house.

A There are two ways to do this by dividing the list of families and staggering the dates or times. I know this sounds like a lot of hard work on your part, but you could either host two separate house parties lasting two hours spaced a month apart or you could host one four hour party and stagger the arrival and departure times.

Whatever you decide, make it a pot luck picnic, cookout, or supper. Divide the group in two, the families with the older children in one group and the families with the younger children in the second. You might find that you'll have some crossover if one family is unable to attend on the first date; in that case you invite that family for the second date and invite a family from the second group to take their place. By staggering the dates or times, there won't be as many people in your home at the same time. Why not hire a college student to be in charge of the younger children at the younger event; they can play games and watch a video in the garage when they become overstimulated, and for the older families' party, the teenagers can have the garage to themselves. By separating the parties by a month, you will have a breather between parties. People will understand. The key would be to send out the invitations for both parties on the same day so that all the families receive their invitation on the same day yet for a different date, or time. Through word of mouth, just say that you want to be able to spend quality time with your friends, and doing it this way seemed to make the most sense. Be sure to make it crystal-clear on the invitation that the party is for two hours from, for instance, 2:00-4:00 PM; when allowing your guests 40 minutes each way for travel, that makes the event nearly four hours total.

Alternatively, you could host one four hour party staggering the hours of arrival and departure on the invitations with the younger families being sent an invitation to come between 2:00-4:00 PM, and the families with older children to come between 4:00-6:00 PM. Yes, there might be some overlap, some stragglers who arrived at 2:30 PM and leave at 4:30 PM, but that's still better than having everyone there at once. Again, you would have a college girl taking care of the younger kids. You can also give your children responsibilities as to who does what in terms of greeting guests, taking coats to lay on the beds, passing snacks, giving tours of the house, etc. Whichever venue you choose, be sure to have a crystal-clear RSVP with your phone number and email address so that you can keep track of how many people you will be feeding and who is bringing what, if it is pot luck. You don't want six bowls of potato salad and no green salad. Lots of fruit salad but no cookies.

By the way, on your invitation you can make it crystal-clear that instead of house gifts, you would like people to bring their favorite pot luck dish by including a line such as this under the RSVP. "In lieu of a gift, please bring your favorite dessert (or pot luck specialty)." Then when your guests RSVP that they are coming, they will tell you what they plan to bring as their contribution to the food.

Entertaining: Housewarming Party: Time Frame
Q Hi,
After someone moves into a new home, how much time does one have to give a housewarming Party?

A You have up to a year to get your house "dressed" for the housewarming. After a year, you'll get kidded. You might even get a bid of ribbing after six months, but everybody knows that when you move into a new house, it takes time to get a sense of what goes where and it can take a couple of years to do that. Once the paint on the walls no longer feels fresh, it is too late. So, unpack the boxes and celebrate.

Entertaining: How Far in Advance for Baby Shower
Q How far in advance do you have a baby shower?

A Ask the mother. Some people are superstitious and feel you should wait. Others think you should wait to find out the sex of the baby. Others want to be well prepared early on in case the baby in born ahead of schedule. It is up to the mother.

Entertaining: How Long to Wait to Introduce Strangers
Q How long is appropriate to wait to introduce someone who is with you to a person you are talking to?


A Wait long enough to ascertain whether the two people know each other or not. If they do not seem familiar, as in, "Do you live in Newport?", then you know they do not know each other.
As soon as you realize that they have not met, then you would introduce the younger person to the elder, the less distinguished to the more distinguished, the man to the woman; however, you would introduce the woman to the Bishop.

Entertaining: How Many at Baby Shower
Q How many people should you have at a baby shower?

A First you have to decide on the setting for the baby shower. If you are having a luncheon and your dining room table only seats twelve, that is your answer. If you are having a tea and your living room seats sixteen, that is your answer. If you are planning a picnic on your lawn, you can invite as many as you can efficiently feed. Once you've decided on the setting, you would ask the mother for a list of people she would like to have invited because you would never invite anyone that the mother does not want to see at her party. Expect that two-thirds of the guests will be able to attend. So: the host(s) asks the mother for the guest list and the setting of the party might depend upon how many guests accept. Twenty is a good number of guests, but it would depend upon how much family would also have to be invited.

Entertaining: How Much Lead Time for Invitations
Q I am throwing a surprise 50th birthday party for my husband. How many weeks in advance should I send out the invitations?

A Try to send out the inivitations three to four weeks from the date of the party. Allow five days for delivery and if the date is on a Saturday, mail them four weeks in advance.

Entertaining: How to Buy Champagne
Q What is the best kind of champagne to bring as a gift?

A By all means, buy "brut" champagne. If the champagne is being served before dinner or during the main course, bring an extremely dry champagne, which would be labeled "Brut." If the champagne is to be served during dessert or after dinner, a champagne with a higher sugar content would be fine and you would look for the words "sec," "extra sec" or "extra dry" on the label. However, remember that the smaller the bubble the better the quality. So: If you're looking for tiny bubbles, bring a higher priced champagne to your host.

Entertaining: How to Eat Crab and Lobster
Q What is the appropriate way to eat lobster and crab?

A It depends how the lobster and crab are served. For instance, if the lobster is served boiled whole or smoked in a clambake, then you would twist the larger crusher claw and the smaller pincer, or cutter claw, off the body. Crack the pincer claw and the crusher claw with a gadget that looks like a nut cracker, but is designed to crack lobster shells. With your fork or a pick you will find that you can easily dislodge the white meat from the claws. If there is a small dish of melted butter, you might dip the lobster in the butter before raising the fork to your mouth. There is also tender meat in the joint, called the knuckles that attaches the claw to the carcass which can be tugged out with a lobster pick (a small thin metal device used to pluck out seafood). Then you might twist off the four tail fins where you will find the sweetest meat on the lobster when you pick open the tail fins, called telson and uropods; you will find extremely fine, flat lobster meat. On the table there should be a large bowl or platter on which to place your discarded shells. Next you might twist off the four pairs of walking legs from the carcass. If you twist off the ends, you can easily suck out the sweet, tender bits of lobster meat by squeezing the legs much the way one would squeeze out toothpaste. Now for the body of the lobster, the carcass and the tail meat: with the hard shell of the carcass against the plate, place each hand on either side of the lobster and pull it apart. You might need to use your knife, if they have not already been split, or you can use your pick or cracker. With your fingers you can either pull the tender white meat of the tail into bite size pieces before dipping it in the butter, or use your knife and fork, depending upon the formality of the restaurant or occasion. However, lobster and crab are real finger food so, dig in, but do not lick your fingers. If there isn't a finger bowl in which to rinse your fingers and no towelette, you might dip your clean napkin into your water glass to wipe your hands, or excuse yourself to go to the loo.

The adventurous eater might like to try tasting the extremely tasty body meat of the twenty gills, which can be found behind the walking legs. Also, in the upper part of the tail if the lobster is a female, you might find the roe, also called coral, which are tiny black eggs that turn bright red-orange when cooked and add great flavor to sauces. True lobster lovers savor the tomalley, the soft green thick inner pudding that functions as the liver, which can be eaten plain, spread on toast, or whipped into sauces.

Eating crab depends upon the season. In the spring and early summer, the entire soft shell crab can be eaten with a knife and fork. Hard shell crabs should be presented to you pre-cracked so that you have only to pry the white meat from the carcass of the crab and suck out the walking legs. If the hard shell crab has not been cracked, there might be a small wooden mallet on the table which can be used to crack the hard shells. Hard shell crabs are served and eaten like lobster, however, along with the melted butter, you will most likely find bottled hot sauces near your place, if you wish to spice up the butter.

However, if you do not like to eat with your hands or you are just not that adventurous, you can order such lobster entrees as Lobster Savannah, Baked Stuffed Lobster, Lobster Potpie, Lobster Thermidor, Lobster Newburg, Lobster Fra Diavolo, Lobster Casserole, Grilled Lobster, Lobster Salad, Bouillabaisse, Roasted Lobster, or my personal favorite,
Pan-Roasted Lobster. Jasper White, the great New England seafood chef, has the best recipes in his cookbook, "Lobster at Home."

Entertaining: How to Gauge Acceptances + Regrets
Q When planning a dinner for eight or cocktail party or wedding, how do I know how many to plan on accepting?

A There is a formula, but you need to take into account several factors: the time of year, for instance, there are a lot of weddings in June and a lot of cocktail parties in December to compete with, and the day of the week because there are more parties on weekends.

For younger guests, say, friends of the bride and groom, the rule of thumb is that 17 percent would regret a wedding invitation; for those guests over forty, count on 30 percent regretting. The good news during this economic downturn is that with less people hosting parties there are more acceptances, so you might only have 10 percent of the guests regretting. Therefore, if you are planning a seated dinner for ten, invite eleven.

Entertaining: How to Make Tardy Guest Come on Time
Q How do you confront a family member regarding tardiness to family occasions, such as arriving 3 hours late for Thanksgiving dinner?

A Next time give the tardy family member in question a three hour earlier time for Thanksgiving dinner and see what happens; or, of course, you might ask him point blank why he is always three hours late and see what he says. The question really is this: how do you make the person in question respect you?

Entertaining: How to Respond to a Pay Party
Q My cousins have sent an ivite to help celebrate their fathers/uncle's 80th birthday...there is a $25.00 charge per adult and $15.00 for children 10<; how do we respond? We would like to celebrate my uncle's day, but feel insulted to be asked to pay for the time? Please help...

A An invitation is a social bid, if you cannot afford to pay to go to the party and the hosts cannot afford to pay for you to attend, you do not have to go to the party. However, if you are being asked to cover your own cost, you will not be expected to bring the birthday boy a birthday present because his present from you is your presence.

Entertaining: How to say No to a Kiss
Q How do I say no kiss at a party?

A In any social situation the woman takes the lead and puts out her hand to shake hands, or both arms to give a hug and accept a kiss. If you do not want to be kissed, then stick out your hand and smile warmly. If you do it in a charming fashion, the person won't feel slighted that you don't want to be kissed. In fact, the person will be so taken with your charm that the warmth from your smile should signal that your feelings are friendly. Especially at holiday parties people seem more moved to kiss even by vague acquaintances. Stand your ground but be polite. You need not explain or apologize. Remember that it is a woman's prerogative to kiss or not to kiss. She sets the pace and tone to the greeting.

Entertaining: How to Serve Lemons
Q How do you serve lemon slices correctly?


A It would depend what the lemons are being used for. In slicing lemons for water glasses or finger bowls, scrub the lemon with a vegetable brush, roll it on the counter if it feels hard, then slice off the ends. Start at one end and slice and with the tip of the knife flick out the seeds and store covered until use. Quartered or sliced lemons look wonderful served in four-inch cut-glass bowls.

Entertaining: How to Thank the Press
Q I do PR for a ski resort and much of the success of my job depends on the media (reporters and journalists) who do stories on the moutain and I'm wondering the appropriate way to express my gratitude. For example, during the Olympics there has been one particular station that has camped out in our village for 5 days doing a series of stories connecting the mountian to the Olympics. Should I do something for the news team to thank them?

A Showing your appreciation is always a good thing. Why not invite them to a "wine tasting"? Telephone a couple of vineyards or the local wine store and tell them that you would like to give a thank-you wine tasting for the press. They'll love that and will either offer to help or tell you whom to call. Then your only expense would be cheese and crackers. Make the reporters and journalists feel special and they will greatly appreciate your efforts. Alternatively, you could throw them an "Olympics Party" with a huge TV screen and serve Italian wine, pizza and pasta.

Entertaining: How to Use a Napkin
Q How to use the napkin?

A When you sit at your place the napkin might be on your plate or on the table to the left of your plate. Unfold the napkin and lay it across your lap. Should you need to wipe your fingers, put your hand in your lap and wipe them discreetly. If your mouth needs a bit of dabbing, take a corner of your napkin and bring the napkin up to your chin and dab. The napkin stays in the lap until you get up from the table to leave, at which point you fold the napkin casually, but not necessarily as neatly as it was when you sat down. If you are just going to the men's room, you might leave the napkin on your chair. Leaving for good, the napkin is placed to the left of your place setting.

Entertaining: Husband's Duty
Q When the wife is 10 minutes late to a banquet and the husband has already found his assigned seat and is chatting with another guest next to him, what should the husband then do after the wife comes to the table to find her seat and apologizes for being late...

A As soon as the husband sees his wife, he excuses himself from conversation, rises from his chair, greets her with a kiss, and pulls out her chair so she can sit down.

Entertaining: In Tough Times
Q Sitting around with a couple of friends the other night we agreed that fewer people are entertaining during these lean times. We were wondering etiquette-wise, if there was a polite way to invite people to a party but ask them to bring a bottle of wine? How do you save face without appearing professionally to be a loser? We're all in our thirties and should be able to spring for a party every now and then, but the reality is that we're all holding back and not spending money needlessly. How can we still party? Help!

A Turn it around. Have a "Bring Your Favorite Wine or Cheese Party," then all you have to do is provide the bread, crackers, glasses, napkins, and turn up the music. Get a couple of your friends to go in on the expense of organizing the party, sending out invitations or e-vites, and have them help provide the basics.

Having guests bring their favorite wine or cheese will assure good quality and you will find that those who bring cheese usually bring something to put the cheese on, either bread or crackers. You might want to have a case of beer and some diet coke on hand, as well as one or two large wine bottles to show that you're not a total stinge. Rotate guests as bartenders. You'll find that even shy men will pitch in to tend bar, if asked.

Entertaining: Including Significant Other
Q Can we include significant other as family?

A Are you asking if an invitation to you and your family includes your significant other? If it is a family party, then your significant other would be included because he is an extended member of your family. When you RSVP, you might mention that, say, Josh Wright, will be escorting you and your children, if that is all right with them. If the invitation says, "Regrets Only," then do take him along but be sure to introduce him to your host and hostess so that they know his name for next time. If the invitation is for, say, a formal party or wedding, you would want your significant other to have a placecard and be listed on the guest list, so you would ask your hostess if he can escort you.

Entertaining: Indian Dessert Etiquette
Q I grew up in India and there is an iron-clad rule at dinner parties that the hostess (and/or her daughter/daughter-in-law) serve dessert and coffee. Does western etiquette require the same?
Thanks,
Prithvi

A Western etiquette does not require that the hostess serve dessert and coffee; however, the hostess usually does but if she has a partner, he traditionally serves the after-dinner drinks.

Entertaining: Informal Dinner: Service
Q Which direction is food passed at an informal sit-down dinner?

A At an informal seated dinner when the host or hostess is plating the food in the kitchen and serving, the plates are served on the left side of the guest and cleared from the right. The exception would be if salad is being served along with the main course on a separate plate or a butter plate is placed to the left for the guest; then that plate would be removed from the left, as you wouldn't reach your arm in from of your guest while clearing. If the food is being passed from guest to guest as the host or hostess fills the plate from serving bowls and a platter at the head of the table, the plates are passed to the left of the guest counterclock-wise.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Cash In Lieu of Present
Q How do you let people know that in lieu of gifts you would like a donation?

A If the gifts are for a wedding, you would not include bridal registration information with your invitation or wedding packet. Instead, on your At Home card, with your names and address, you would have printed just below: "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated." On a birthday or shower invitation, you would include that same sentence at the bottom of the invitation.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Family Birthday
Q My sister,brothers and I are giving our mother a 60th Birthday party. Their spouses have given their opinion on what we should do and have. Should we include them on the invitation or should it just read, Given by her children (insert children's names) and their spouses or should we name out the spouses' names?

A It would depend on the style of the party. If it is a formal party, then you would list the couples as Mr. and Mrs. at the top of the invitation, but you would not necessarily have to say "mother" because your mother's friends will be able to identify some of the names as those of your mother's children. If it is an informal party, you would use the given names of the couples and not Mr. and Mrs., or you might leave off the spouses altogether. If it is informal, you might say your mother's family. Here are two examples, fill in your own information and center the lines on the page:

Charles and Alice Dickens
Edward and Katherine Shakespeare
William and Mary Shakespeare
cordially invite you to celebrate
Elizabeth Shakespeare's
Sixtieth Birthday
at a cocktail buffet
Saturday, July 10th
Six to 8 o'clock
628 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP Alice 000-000-0000

Or

Elizabeth Shakespeare's family
cordially invite you to celebrate
her 60th birthday
at a cocktail buffet
Saturday, July 10th
Six to nine o'clock
862 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP: Alice Adams 000-000-0000

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Formal Party
Q How far in advance do you mail save the date announcement for a celebration to honor a family member and how far in advance do you mail the formal invitation?

A Save the Date cards can be sent anywhere from six to two months prior to the date. You would send out the formal invitation six weeks prior to the date of the celebration.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Gift Cards
Q We are planning a big 13th birthday party - would it be appropriate to put on the invitation - "gift cards appreciated."


A I am sorry but I am not a big fan of gift cards. The push for presents is not attractive. If you wish to do so, then do it as politely as possible: "Gift cards would be greatly appreciated."

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Listing Hosts
Q I have a bit of a dilemma and am not sure how to "address" it. I work for a non-profit organization and we have dinners as fundraisers on a quarterly basis. These dinners are hosted by our Board members. When we send the invitations, the co-hosts have been listed as Betty & Fred Smith and Bill and Joan Jones invite you to attend. This time a single member of the Board, Beth Green and a gay Board member Bill Jones and his committed partner Jim Smith are the hosts. How should we address the invitation?

We also have limited space so the suggestion has been on one line:
Beth Green, Bill Jones and Jim Smith
Invite you to attend, etc.


A More importantly, you want to be consistent. For instance, stick to one style or the other style. You don't want "Betty & Fred Smith" and "Bill and Joan Jones" listed in two different styles on the same invitation. Pick one style and stick to it. I am a huge fan of ladies first, so I would go with "Betty and Fred Smith." If you are following that kind of informal style, then you would list Beth Green on one line and then Bill Jones and Jim Smith together on the next line. Since you are not using full names with titles, which is fine, you are setting an informal style; whether you use "and" or "&" is also a matter of style. As this is a professional event, I would use "and" because in the professional context "&" seems a bit too cute. My point is that I want you to stick to one style because that is how to make the invitation look professional when fundraising. As to positioning and posturing on the host list, whether you list the single woman first or the gay couple, also depends upon level of formality. Personally, I would put the single woman first; however, if the male couple is footing more of the bill, for instance, you might want to give them top billing. Otherwise, ladies first before the male couple. In my opinion, when you are listing names for a fundraising event, for tax purposes you would list the legal names: Elizabeth Ross Green; William F. Jones and James B. Smith. If this sounds too stuffy for your event, and people really only know the hosts as Beth, Bill and Jim, then go with the flow. Whatever you decide, be consistent throughout with your style.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Listing No Gifts
Q For a gift giving event, what is the appropriate manner to ask for money as a priority gift?

A As you no doubt know, the problem with putting any negative word on an invitation is that it ads a contrary vibe to what should otherwise be a joyous event to celebrate.

Because you don't want any negative overtones on your invitation, it is best not to use the word "no." Sometimes you can say "no" without using the word "no" and there are other ways of saying "No, but." Here are a few lines that you might think about. As I don't know the nature of your event, this is a rather general answer.

You would use this instead of: "No boxed gifts": In lieu of a boxed gift, a small check would be great appreciated.

This is good for bridal showers, weddings and anniversaries:
Amanda & John's bridal registries are listed at www.theknot.com.

This one is for a baby shower, although I would suggest using the baby's registered name as it appears on the store's baby registry and not use "our baby: Our baby is registered at www.babygap.com.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Single and Widowed Guests + Guest
Q Is is appropriate to send an invitation to a single or widowed woman without including a guest?

A In an etiquette perfect world, all single people would be invited to invite a guest to attend the event with them. At a seated dinner event, where everyone has a seat marked by a place card, the hostess has to know everyone's name. A good hostess would find out the name of the person that the single woman is seeing and include his name on the envelope of the invitation as in:

Ms. Amanda V. Dickens
Mr. George L. Thomas
address

If an inside envelope is used:
Ms. Dickens
Mr. Thomas

If the hostess does not know his name, on the inside envelope, it would be "and Guest" and Ms. Dickens would give the name to the hostess on the RSVP:

Ms. Dickens
and Guest

It is not as much a matter of being appropriate or inappropriate as a matter of expense. If the relationship is not particularly important and there are enough single men being invited, then it is appropriate for the hostess to send an invitation without "and Guest." If the single woman, whether she is widowed or not, would like to bring an escort, she should pick up the phone and ask the hostess, if she might bring Mr. So-and-So. If there is room, as space limitation is often a huge issue, the hostess will take down the correct spelling of his name, as well as his address and send him an invitation or tell her to bring him. I am sorry but this is not a cut and dry answer. You must have faith in the hostess that there is an equal amount of single men and women at the party in order to have girl, boy, girl, boy seating.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Stuffing Envelopes
Q How to stuff invitations in envelopes? Does the rsvp/direction card go on top of the invite or behind it?

A You would hold the envelope facing the back of it with the flap open. The largest piece of paper goes faceup and is inserted first. The rsvp/direction card is then inserted on top of the larger piece faceup within the flap of its own envelope, which is face down. The smallest piece is the last included.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Gifts
Q How to word on invitations that gifts and/or cards are not required but would be appriciated?


A You don't want to have any ambiguous information on an invitation. For instance, you would not invite people to come "between 4-7 or 5-8," it is either one or the other. If you don't care whether you get presents or not, then do not mention presents on the invitation.

Entertaining: Invitation Etiquette: Invitations to Widowers
Q We have two friends that have been widowered in the past year. Do we put just their name on the invitation or do we put "and guest" in case they would like to bring somebody?

A Never write "and Guest" on an invitation. Telephone the widowed friends and ask them if they would like to bring someone as their guest to your event. Then you would send that person their own invitation. In the meantime, the widowed person would have alerted their guest to expect an invitation for such-and-such date.

Entertaining: Invitation List for Retirement Party
Q I am having a retirement party for my manager of 13 years and want to know if I should invite the new manager who has taken his place?? I don't know if he would be hurt as I am inviting everyone from work and it is a surprise party and I am planning to take the day off before it.

A I am not sure why you feel you need to invite the new manager. If the new manager was mentored by the old manager and they are friends, then by all means invite the new manager. However, if the new manager has been brought in as "new blood" to replace the old manager, you might not invite him.

Entertaining: Invitation With Ten Hosts
Q I am in the process of preparing invitations for a cocktail party for approximately 85 couples. There are 10 couples hosting the party; 9 married and 1 not married. How would you list the names on the invitation?

Also, shouldn't you include the address of the party?
ie
_______________ Country Club
___________________ (physical address)

Invitations are going out of town as well as local.


A It would depend upon the tone of the party but whatever the style, you need to be consistent with the style throughout the list. For instance if it is a formal dinner dance and everyone is Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens, then your single person would be Mr. William Shakespeare. If it is a fun informal dinner dance or cocktail buffet, you might list everyone alphabetically as:

Abigail and John Adams
Alice and Charles Dickens


If it is a well-known club that could be found through information, you might only list the name of the club and underneath just the name of the town or city. You don't want to overcrowd the invitation with too much information.

Entertaining: Invitation: Charity Event
Q My family has bought a "table" for a fundraiser event. How do I let the people that I have invited know that they do not have to pay, that we have already paid for the table, but that there is a live/silent auction where they can bid? Also, do I write up a card to invite them to it or do I just invite them by telling or calling them?

A You would invite the person to be a guest at your table by saying, "My family has bought a table for such and such on June 10th and I would like you to come as my guest." Then you can go on to explain the dress code and end by mentioning that there will be a great live/silent auction and leave it at that. Most people will have a credit card and most charities take credit cards. If you know of items in the auction that you think the person might be wild about, do suggest that they bring their check book and bid. There is nothing wrong with asking people to support your charity. After all you are giving them a free dinner. There is no obligation on their part to bid on anything and they might tell you as much, but sometimes those are the guests who bid the highest. Also, at most charity auctions, the buyer can usually pay the next day with a credit card over the phone.

Entertaining: Invitation: College Golden Jubilee
Q Our college is celebrating its Golden jubilee (50 years) on 25th December 2009 and I am to send invitation to other students to attend the same.

I will appreciate if you could kindly send me the proper format of invitation. It was a boarding school (Cadet College).

Thanks.



A Center these lines on a 7"x5" paper card and insert your own information:

The Cadet College Alumni Association
requests the pleasure of
your company at the
Golden Jubilee Dinner Dance
at the Athletic Center
on Friday, December 25, 2009
at seven o'clock in the evening

Cadet College
100 Cadet Boulevard
Buffalo, New York

R.S.V.P. Card Enclosed Black Tie

This is the basic form but since I don't know the details you'll have to put in your own. You would center the lines on the card. It is always good to tell guests what the event is whether it is cocktails, cocktails and dinner, or a dinner dance. Also, if there is a price, you need to include that. If I were you, I would include a 5x4 1/4" reply card to send with the invitation and the reply card would have its own return envelope that is stamped and addressed. Here are both sides of the reply card:

Name__________________________________________________
Address _______________________________________________
City/State/Zip _________________________________________
Telephone_____________________________________________
Email Address__________________________________________

____ Patron Table for 10 $5,000/Each
____ Patron Reservation $500/Each
____ Table for 10 $3,000/Each
____ Single Ticket $250/Each

___ I would like to request a vegetarian meal at the dinner dance
Total number of vegetarian meals for this reservation______

___ My seating arrangements are listed on the reserve side of the card.

___ I am unable to attend but enclose a fully tax-deductible contribution of $______________

____ Please charge a total of $____________ to my:
____ Amex ____ Visa ____ Mastercard ____ Discover

Account Number_____________________________ Exp. Date _______

____ Enclosed is my payment of $ ___________ ck.#_________

Please make checks payable to: Cadet College Golden Jubilee.
Those attending should note that all but $150 is tax-deductible per ticket.

The other side of the card would read:

____ I wish to be seated by the Committee.
____ I am planning to be seated with:
________________________________________________________

____ Please reserve______ table(s) of ten in my name.

Guests at my table(s) will be:
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

_________________You can add more lines _____________________

For additional information or to purchase tickets online, please visit the school website at www.CadetCollege.org, or contact the Developement Office at (123) 567-7890 ext. 101
or Development@CadetCollege.org

Entertaining: invitation: Dress Code: "Come as you would like to be remembered"
Q This is not a question; rather a response to your letter in T&C. Please add one more category to your list of dress on invitations: "Come as you would like to be remembered". I frequently use this for my large parties and always get a great response. Those who like to dress up have permission to come in ball gowns and those who prefer casual can come in all variations of that. Great fun!

A How very kind of you to submit such an interesting dress code to NewportManners.com. I think that I will use that dress code this summer. I am curious to know what you wear to host a Come as you would like to be remembered party?

Entertaining: Invitation: Dutch Treat
Q I am taking my friend out to a eat for her 60th birthday & would like to surprise her with some of her friends being there when we get there. My question is what would I put on the invitation to let them know that they are to pay for their own meal? Is it rude for me to expect them to?

A From the start, say that you are "organizing" a Dutch Treat lunch to surprise your friend on her 60th birthday. Remember that when you are asking guests to pay for their share of the meal, you have to let them off the hook about buying a present. The invitation might read like this (insert your own information and center these lines on your invitation or e-vite):

Let's Surprise Lizzie
on her 60th Birthday
with a Dutch Treat Lunch
Saturday, June 10th
at noon
The Black Pearl

RSVP: Judy Kissel at 401-000-0000, or judykissel@aol.com
In lieu of a gift, please contribute to the cost of the luncheon.

Entertaining: Invitation: Dutch Treat Bridal Luncheon
Q I am hosting a bridal shower at a local restaurant. How do I let guests know that they will be responsible for the cost of a meal if the choose to eat?

A Excuse me, but if you are asking the guest to pay for the cost of her lunch, then you are not "hosting" a bridal shower luncheon. In fact, you are "organizing" a bridal shower luncheon. (By the way, there is nothing wrong with that.)

When a host invites a guest, the host pays the bill. The word "guest" is used only when the host "treats" the guest by paying for her lunch.

Since you are "organizing" a Dutch Treat Bridal Shower Luncheon, you need to make it crystal-clear to everyone who receives an invitation the exact amount of how much she will be responsible for paying for her lunch. Remembering, of course, that the cost of her lunch is in addition to whatever she pays for her bridal shower present. By going Dutch Treat, you can expect that the individual bridal shower present will be of less value, than if the "guest" wasn't paying for her own lunch.

It would be best if every "guest" had her own separate check, however, some restaurants won't handle separate transactions for parties of more than eight. Therefore, ahead of time you will need to check with the manager, or head waiter, to make sure that you can ask everyone to pay her own tab.

Otherwise, you can work out a set price with the restaurant for, say, chicken salad and coconut cake with two glasses of white wine, plus tip, and gratuity for $30 per person.

If you do work out a set price per person, you can include that cost on the invitation. Under the RSVP you would write: "Special luncheon price of $30 per person." Then as the organizer, you would collect $30 from each "guest" and pay the whole bill yourself.

If you do decide to go the Dutch Treat route, be sure to remember to call it a "Dutch Treat Bridal Luncheon" in honor of ........

Entertaining: Invitation: Dutch Treat Dinner
Q I am hosting my wife a birthday dinner at a restaurant, it is dutch treat. But her birthday is in September and the dinner is in October. How do I place this on invites.
Thank you.

A In fact, you are not hosting a birthday dinner for your wife, because (excuse me for saying so) you are not paying for your wife's party. You are asking guests to pay for their own dinner. Therefore, you are merely organizing a birthday dinner for your wife.

Since you are organizing a birthday dinner for your wife, you need to make two points perfectly clear:

You will need to let prospective guests know exactly how much they will have to shell out to help you with your celebration. It is best to talk with the restaurant's manager first to work out a price that includes a choice of one or two entrees, drinks, tax, and gratuity. You would include that price on the invitation. The difficulty here is always the drinks, which is why guests will have to set up their own tabs. Otherwise it gets complicated because those who don't drink and those who don't drink much won't want to pay for those who drink more than their share.

The second point that I want to make--and it is a big one--is that if your "guests" are paying for their drinks, food, tax, and gratuity, you have to let them off the hook about having also to buy a birthday present for your wife.

Here is an example of an invitation that you might use, inserting your own information and centering the lines on the page:

Celebrate with all of us
Elizabeth's Thirtieth Birthday
on Thursday, September 10th
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport

RSVP (401) 000-0000
or John@bennett.com

In lieu of a gift, this is a Dutch Treat Dinner ($40 per person including food, drinks, tax, and tip).

Entertaining: Invitation: Money Tree
Q Dear Didi, On Saturday, August 14, 2010, my siblings and I are giving our mother an early 90th birthday party. Her birthday is actually Feb.2. I have several questions.
1. Can you give us a suggested wording for the invitation?
2. When should they be sent out?
3. When should responses be returned?
4. Is it proper or improper to ask for a monetary contribution to a money tree? If proper, how should it be worded? I don't want people to think the party is to get money.

Sincerely,
Barbara Matthews
bpwmatthews@gmail.com




A As August 14th is a Saturday in a vacation month, you will want to send the invitations out six weeks prior to the date of the party because some guests will have other choices. One of the choices being that they might not accept if they are expected to give money. For these reasons you will need to send out far more invitations than you anticipate in order to get the number of guests you want to make up your party. Since many of your mother's friends are elderly, some won't attend an evening party unless they can be picked up and taken home, so you will want to make arrangements for those guests. Perhaps you should plan a luncheon.

You can put a line under the RSVP information such as this:

Kindly reply by August 7th

You will need to give the caterer at least a week's notice to hire staff and prepare.

Since I don't know the venue of the party or the time, it is impossible to compose your invitation, but I'll give it a go:

Barbara Matthews, Henry Smith & Jane Wilson
cordially invite you to celebrate
their mother's ninetieth year
at a dinner dance in honor of
Elizabeth Jane Smith
Saturday, August 14th
at seven o'clock in the evening
Rolling Hills Country Club
Middletown

Then include the dress code in the right hand corner:

Cocktail Attire

Is it proper to ask for money? By word of mouth you can spread the word that your mother would be happy to receive a birthday card and if guests would like to enclose a small check, she would appreciate that, too. It would be best if all cards were sent to her mailing address so that she can keep track of who gave her what; then she'll have the correct mailing address to send her guests thank-you notes.

The big problem with a money tree is how to keep track of who gave what in order to send thank-you notes.

Entertaining: Invitations as Social Bids
Q If my parents were invited to my in-laws' 50th anniversary celebration but did not go, should my in-laws now be invited to my parents' 50th celebration ?

A It might depend upon how well the two couples get along. For a 50th anniversary party one would only invite people they are close to, or were close to at some point in time. People, whether they are relatives or not, whom the celebrated couple don't particularly get along with would not be invited. If your parents did not attend your in- laws 50th anniversary, they are not required to invite them to theirs. You might remember that an invitation is a social bid. Your in-laws extended a social bid to your parents, which they declined, so your in-laws might understand when they are not invited.

Entertaining: Invitations: Baby Shower: Unwed Parents
Q My son and his fiancee are expecting their first child (a baby girl) and will be getting married sometime after the baby is born. A baby shower is planned with the most darling invitations being made by my future daughter-in-law's aunt. A number of relatives on both sides of the family are pitching in with various contributions of ideas, time, talent and money to pull this off. I have addressed the envelopes for the people on our side of the family's list; however, the invitations have only the mother's name and the name they picked out for their new daughter on them. What is the proper way to let the invitation recipients on our side of the family's list know who this shower is for? Some of them haven't yet met the mom/bride "to be".

A You would write a short note on the invitation, on either the front or back, or you would attach a small card with a good quality paper clip. Your message would be personal and heartfelt. You would insert your own words; you might write something such as this: Dear Aunt Betty, We are hoping that you will come to meet Jake's fiancee, Jane, and her family. Love, Alice. If you have small personal social stationery, you can use that instead of the small card to send along with the invitation.

By taking the time and care to make each member of your family feel included in the celebration, you will find that your family will respond with enthusiasm and accept the new members of their extended family warmly. As the mother of the baby's father, you set the tone and style as to how your family responds. Your enthusiasm will be contagious. Be sure to write your name and address on the envelope to make it crystal-clear that the note is from the baby's grandmother. If the envelopes have already been printed with the hostess's address on the back, then write your name and address in the upper left-hand corner of the front of the envelope.

Entertaining: Invitations: Children's Birthday Party
Q What is the best way to say "cake and ice cream party only" for a one-year-old birthday party?

A The invitations might say:

Please join us
for cake and ice-cream
in celebration of
John's first birthday
Saturday, August 10th
three to five o'clock

RSVP 000-0000-0000

Entertaining: Invitations: Hand-Address the Envelopes
Q I am in the process of printing out invitations for my mother and father's 50th wedding anniversary celebration. It is really not a formal event. I purchased an invitation kit from a local supply store -- kit contained multi-colored invitations, response card, an envelope for the response card and an envelope mail-all that goes to the recipient. This event is obviously not formal -- somewhere between semi-formal and casual (leaning more toward semi-formal, if there's such a category) and I am trying to determine if it is appropriate to print out the envelopes or if I should hand-address them?

Thank you,
Donell Seager


A In my opinion, you would write out the address. If this was a massive mailing for, say, a gallery opening or an alumni event, I would say labeled envelopes are the norm. It sounds like a pain to have to write out the addresses but by hand-addressing the envelopes you will make your guests feel special. Also, most people are more apt to open a hand-addressed envelope than a labeled envelope. Don't you open your hand-addressed mail first?

In order to plan with the caterer, you are going to need to have an accurate head-count because you don't want to have to pay for more guests than actually show up. That is why it is important not only to have a reply card but a cut-off date on that reply card that states, "Please reply by June 1st." Or, "Kindly reply by June 10th." Hand addressing the envelopes will signal to your guests that you are holding a special event and they need to respond as soon as possible.

Entertaining: Invitations: Informal Luncheon: Using Titles
Q For an informal luncheon invitation, can you address it simply to Jane Doe?

A If the luncheon is for children, you can address the invitation simply to Jane Doe. Over the age of eighteen, it is customary in business and socially to use a person's title: Ms., Mrs., Mr., Dr., Senator, Judge, President, The Honorable, etc. Nevertheless, since this is not a formal luncheon, even though it is formal enough to send invitations, you can certainly drop the titles of your guests.

Entertaining: Invitations: RSVP + R.S.V.P
Q Dear Mrs. Lorillard,

Which is the proper way to write RSVP on an invitation whether formal or informal? RSVP or R.S.V.P.

It would seem that one would not use the periods, as the four letters stand for four French words that would not have punctuation after each one. However, I have seen it written both ways and thought you might have some insights. Thank you for your assistance.

Kind regards,
Jeffrey Caldwell

A You are right. Both are correct depending upon the event. Formally, say, for a black-tie party such as a charity ball or wedding, you could use the periods after each first letter of "Respondez s'il vous plait," a French phrase that translates to "reply, if you please." Less formally, you could just use RSVP, or even rsvp.

Entertaining: Invite Arrived Too Late
Q How do I handle response to a party that arrives after the Rsvp date?

A Telephone the host immediately and explain the situation. These things happen. The sooner you respond, the easier it will be to explain the problem. Tell him you are sorry to have missed such a swell party.

Entertaining: Invite Co-worker for Dinner
Q Is it proper to invite an opposite sex co-worker for dinner?

A If there is not a company policy against it, why not invite a co-worker of the opposite sex for dinner?

Entertaining: Invitee Won't RSVP
Q Is it rude and improper for one person not to return a phone call to another (both parties know each other) when the person who has left the message is waiting for a call back regarding an invitation to an upcoming social event that will take place several days down the line? Also, the person in question received the message but chose NOT to call back under the guise of "not having enough time". My argument is that it only takes a minute or two to leave a message saying yes or no to the question. Everyone has a minute or two to do that, even if you call while on the toilet!!!Am I correct?


A Your friend is giving you a not so subtle, very clear message: they are not interested. An invitation is a social bid. Your friend is not accepting a social bid from you. Let it go.

Entertaining: Inviting a Jewish Friend to Easter Lunch
Q I am hosting an Easter Brunch. Many of my friends are Jewish -- is it appropriate or offensive to invite them? I don't want to leave them out, but also do not want to offend them.

A If you have ever been invited to a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah, you know that there are many different ways of celebrating different holidays. My only suggestion might be that you serve lamb instead of ham, because serving pork might be offensive. Remember, if the Jewish person did not want to attend your Easter luncheon, he would not have accepted the invitation.

Entertaining: Inviting Children
Q To invite children or not to a cocktail party. About half of our guests have children (as we do). They could come if they stay in the kids' play area but some may be too young for that. How do I handle the invite?

A It is most generous of you to even want to include children at your party; however, if this is a cocktail party, it is not really appropriate to have children unless you hire a baby sitter to be in charge of the children in the play area. The problem is twofold: when parents go out to parties where children are included in the invitation, it is assumed that the house is child-proof, that there will be someone else in charge of the children, that there will be age appropriate activities and food for the children. Essentially, when inviting children, you are offering to babysit them in your house while another party is going on. Do you really want to do that? It is a huge responsibility. You will have to have different foods and juices for different children and unless you don't want to enjoy your own party, you will need to hire a teenager to keep the kids quiet. Also, your guests who don't have kids won't necessarily be amused by a crying baby or an overstimulated two-year-old. On your invitation you might say, "Just Grown-ups" or "Sorry, but we cannot accommodate children." You would be surprised at the number of parents who will jump at the chance to attend an adults only party. Yes, there will be a few who do not want to spring for a babysitter, but in the end, it will be a better cocktail party without children. If this were a picnic, barbecue, clambake, or cookout, inviting kids would be fine, but this is a cocktail party in a confined space. On the other hand, if you want a "family" Holiday Party, hire a Santa and start the party earlier, say, four to six o'clock. That way you can entertain the children and, also, offer holiday punch to the parents, as well as tea sandwiches and holiday cookies.

Entertaining: Inviting Guests to Pay
Q How do you invite people to a birthday party at a restaurant and let them know they are to pay for their dinner? I can't afford to foot the bill.

A Telephone the guests and tell them that you are trying to pull together a birthday party for So-and-So at Such-and-Such restaurant and that you would be covering the cost of the birthday party person's meal, but you would like the party to be Dutch Treat. Then you need to explain this to the birthday person so that she is not disappointed that her friends haven't brought her presents. If you are mailing out e-vites or invitations, you would print at the bottom of the invitation: In lieu of a present, please pay for your meal.

Entertaining: Inviting Just Two-Year-Olds
Q I am having a birthday party for my soon to be two-year-old son. I only want to invite a few little boys around his age. How do I not invite the friend's sibblings, and/or is it all right to do that? Thank you,
Gini

A In addressing the envelope for the invitation you would write just the name of the child that you are inviting. Be sure to include an RSVP telephone number so that when the parent calls, you can remind them that it is a small, age appropriate party and you will not have activities for older children or a caregiver for younger children.

Entertaining: Inviting Mom's Houseguest
Q My mother-in-law has a houseguest that has been in residence nine months. I am wondering: must I invite her friend to all the social functions to which I invite my mother-in-law? This guest has a job and says that she's planning someday to find a place to live. My mother-in-law has indicated that she expects her friend to be included. Thanks.

A It sounds as if you are embarrassed by the fact that your mother-in-law has a live-in woman friend and you find it awkward explaining their relationship to other family members and friends. Apparently, your mother-in-law and her friend enjoy each other's company and their relationship might be called a "Boston Marriage." It does not mean that they have a sexual relationship, but it does mean that they enrich each others lives in ways the rest of us may not comprehend. Cut your mother-in-law some slack. If she is happy, be happy for her. If you don't want her to bring her houseguest to one of your social events, be upfront with your mother-in-law and tell her that you would rather have her come alone because there will be people there you want her to meet.

Entertaining: Inviting Other People's Children
Q My husband and I are hosting a Sunday luncheon for our daughter and her husband who come from England every summer for a week or two with their young lads. Despite the fact that the invitation was addressed to just Mr. and Mrs. and trying to make it clear by the formality of the invitation that it is a seated luncheon, many of these young parents are asking to bring their children thinking that this is a family picnic, which it clearly is not as we are paying the caterer over a hundred dollars per guest. How do we handle the situation without losing guests?



A These guilt-ridden parents who don't want to leave their off-spring on a Sunday afternoon most likely are also keen on having their children rub shoulders with your British grandsons. The easiest solution is to ask the caterer to give you a good price on a picnic with mini-hamburgers and popcicles and hire an extra babysitter to help with a children's picnic on the lawn or beach while the grown-ups are entertained with an elegant lunch knowing that they are with their children, and yet not. Just explain to each parent accepting that the grownup luncheon is seated, while the children's picnic is not. You can even suggest that any guest with very young children brings a sitter. Do let the ages of your grandchildren, their gender, and names be known to each guest accepting for a child so that the parent can determine whether the child will be happy at the children's picnic, or not.

Entertaining: Inviting Sister to Baby Shower
Q Should a woman who is expecting her first child invite her sister who lives in another state to her baby shower?

A My question to you is this: wouldn't the hostess who is giving the baby shower for the expectant mother do the inviting?

Entertaining: Inviting the Guest
Q When inviting a close single relative to a party (wedding, engagement party or similar kind of event) is it appropriate to address invitation "and guest?"

A Yes, however, the letter "G" in Guest would be upper case, as in "and Guest."

Entertaining: Is Gift Expected at Dinner Party
Q When you are invited to a dinner party, is it required that you bring a gift for your host?

A No, you are not required to bring a gift to your host for a dinner party; however, you might telephone the next day to thank the host for a lovely evening and tell him what you enjoyed the most: the food, the pairing of the wine with the food, the dessert, the music, the decor, the company, or all of the above.

Entertaining: Is It All Right for Guest to Bring Guest to a Cocktail Party
Q When my husband is invited to a business cocktail party, he invites his friends to come along, even though they were not invited, only my husband. Is this right. I say no way.

A Unless your husband was asked to bring along some of his friends and unless your husband asked the host permission to bring along his friends, he might not have taken the liberty of bringing along uninvited guests. However, if the friends whom your husband brought to the cocktail party were brought to promote the host's business, that might be quite a different story.

Entertaining: Is It Proper to Hold Shower for Second Child
Q Our daughter-in-law is pregnant with our second grandchild. She had a shower for her first pregnancy. Is it proper to give her a shower for this second child?

A Any excuse for a party is fine with me. There is no reason why she cannot have a shower for her second child. Fresh baby blankets are always welcome.

Entertaining: Is Shower for Third Baby Proper
Q Is it proper etiquette to give a baby shower for the third pregnancy? This will be the third boy.

A Any excuse for a party is fine with me. Getting the girlfriends together is always a good thing. By the time those hand-me-downs get to number three, it might be time for some fresh blankets, etc.

Entertaining: Joint Graduation Party
Q I am having a joint graduation party with my neighbors. It is for my daughter and their son. How should we phrase the invitations?

A Why not work with something like this, substituting your own information and centering the lines on the page. As you see, not knowing if the graduation party is to celebrate graduation from college or high school, I have assumed high school and, therefore, the other parents would want to know that parents are chaperoning the party. Even if you are one parent families, you can say The Whites and The Browns. Also, you want the RSVP count so that you can plan on the amount of food you will need to cover the crowd.

The Browns and The Whites
cordially invite you to
celebrate our graduates
Tina Brown and Jake White
Newport High School '06
Saturday, June 15th
6:00 PM to 9:00 PM
at 582 and 584 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP
Betty and Bob Brown 000-000-0000
Alice and Tom White 000-000-0000

Entertaining: Knowing Your Silverware Inside + Out
Q Do you use silverware from the outside of the plate first?

A Most of the time, you might use the utensil from the inside out. It really depends upon the style of the person who set the table, the food being served and in which order. For instance, the largest fork is for the meat course, no matter where it is placed and the smaller fork next to it is for the salad, but the salad is sometimes served first and sometimes served after the meat course. The dessert fork might by lying at the head of the place setting parallel to the plate. The oyster fork might be on the outside of the soup spoon. If you know the purpose of the different sizes of utensil, then you never have to worry about using the wrong fork, knife or spoon.

Entertaining: Ladies' Dinner Out
Q How to I word an invitation where I'm inviting girl friends to a "no host" buffet - with a $10 donation per person?

A If you are sending it out as an email, insert your own information:

Please Come to a Ladies' Dinner

Favorite Restaurant
10 Main Street
June Tenth
6 to 10pm

RSVP to Linda
$10 Donation for Food

Entertaining: Ladies Only Baby Shower
Q My girlfriend is hosting a baby shower for me at my home. She used evite to send out invitations and they don't address names on there, just emails. We had intended it to be ladies and young ladies only. My sister replied that her husband and 2 boys ages 5 and 7 will be coming. My own husband will not be there. It didn't say women only but it really never crossed our minds that anyone would bring the kids or men. I have been invited to an open shower in the past, but it was clearly stated that it was open to men and kids. I am not sure what to do now! Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thank you, Tara

A Tara, the best way to get around this is to call your sister and tell her what you just told me. Then say that as much as you would like to see all three of her "men," it is a "ladies only" baby shower.

Then say, "Look at it as an opportunity for your husband and sons to spend quality time together." Explain that there won't be any other children, nor will there be any husbands, so there wouldn't be any guy activities or guy food, for that matter.

Then say, "I would love to have your boys come to the hospital and be among the first to see the baby."

Your sister will understand. Nobody wants her family to feel awkward, which they would if they showed up. Not to worry.

Entertaining: Late, Rude Guests
Q I invited a couple over for a Super Bowl party, which includes dinner. They were our only guests. I just received an email from the wife saying that her husband will be golfing and so they will arrive about 90 minutes after the game starts, and "hope that's okay." I don't know what to do--should I tell them not to bother coming for the last half of the game? Should I smile and serve dinner as though it is "okay?" I'm just stunned at the thoughtlessness of scheduling another activity that is concurrent with the one we had planned? Any suggestions?

A It sounds as if your guests do not communicate very well with each other and unfortunately for them their dinner will be cold. My advice to you is this: If your guests are going to treat you in such a casual way, you can be equally as casual. Relax. Yes, they were rude but it may have nothing to do with you. Greet them at the door with a big smile and welcome them into your home graciously.

Entertaining: Leftovers
Q If you take a dish to a party and you have food left, does the host/hostess have the right to keep what is left?

A What a petty dilemma. When you go to someone's house, they incur expenses entertaining you and spend their time preparing and organizing the meal, the least you can do is not begrudge them the leftovers.

Entertaining: Letting Red Wine Breathe
Q After opening a bottle of red wine, I have heard you are to let it "breathe". What exactly does that mean and for how long do I let it breathe?

A A bottle of red wine that has been aged for quite a few years might need to adjust to the air in order to release a mustiness that might diguise the true flavor of the wine. In letting wine breathe, it might reach full flavor by absorbing air and being let to stand after having been uncorked. Uncorking is often done before dinner guests arrive allowing the wine to breathe during the cocktail time. Additional bottles can be opened at that time, too. Many people feel decanting is not necessary and might seem pretentious to many, so you might want to decant only rare red wines. A rare Bordeaux, for instance, must be allowed to breathe for at least two hours.

Entertaining: Limit to Number of Baby Showers
Q Is there a limit to baby showers one can have, and if not what are the guidelines?

A One baby shower per small town is proper. However, if your friends in your new town host a baby shower for you and you go back to visit your parents in your home town and your cousin gives you a baby shower, that's fine, too. Two baby showers would also work if you live in a large town and two different friends want to give you showers with different guests: one is a co-worker, who is just inviting people from your workplace, and the other is a friend from college, who invites your friends from outside the workplace. So: if there is more than one shower, there should not be an overlap of guest lists because friends are not going to like being pressured to buy two presents for one baby. In other words, the baby's mom might not want to appear greedy by inviting friends to more than one shower.

Entertaining: Luncheon Hostess Gift
Q Is a hostess gift proper etiquette for an afternoon luncheon invitation?

A A hostess gift for a luncheon would be appropriate if you were not planning on reciprocating an invitation to the hostess at a later time.

Entertaining: Luncheon: Candles
Q Is it appropriate to use candles at a noon luncheon?

A No, you would not use candles for a luncheon. You would remove the candlesticks to a sideboard and, perhaps, decorate the center of the table with small urns of flowers surrounding a larger low arrangement of flowers.

Entertaining: M
Q Why is there an "M" on RSVP cards?

A The "M" is there because they want to know how you want your name to be written on your place card: Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss. So: after the M you would write in r. or rs. or s. or iss. As in Mr., Mrs. Ms. Miss.

Entertaining: Man or Woman's Name first
Q In writing thank-you notes to a couple for a party, do I put the man's name first or the woman's? Also, do I sign my name first or my husband's?

A Nowadays, the person who is addressing the envelope or the salutation to the thank-you note, will write the name of the person they know best first or they will write the woman's name first. In certain areas of the country and for certain occasions the man's name is written first but the trend seems to be more towards personalizing addresses, salutations and signatures. Personally, I am a big fan of Ladies First. In your situation, I would write the woman's name first on the thank-you note and then you sign your names.

Entertaining: Man Walks on the Outside
Q Why men walk on the outside putting the woman on the inside?

A Traditionally, men walk on the outside nearest to the passing horse drawn wagons, carriages and later cars, busses and trucks, to act as the first defense, shield, and buffer between the woman and any runaway horses or splashing carriage wheels. Over the centuries, the code has become the sign of a gentleman; his first instinct is to protect the woman from whatever might approach.

Entertaining: Managing Meals at Barbados Villa
Q My sister and I (and husbands) are staying in a villa in Barbados that comes with a "cook". Can you give me any suggestions on what should and should not be expected and do we need to provide her with a grocery list so that the food/beverages will be at the villa when we arrive - do you give her meals that we want prepared or list out each item? Any suggestions/advice would be appreciated!

A Proper etiquette is to contact the realtor for the housekeeping code. Usually, until you arrive on the property, you communicate through the realtor by email. Once you've established a relationship with the cook, you will know her strengths and weaknesses and you and she will be better able to plan your menus. You might find that the cook has her own menus with her specialties from which she does best and straying too far from what she knows how to do might be disappointing. For instance, you might be safe ordering your liquor ahead of time and telling her that you would like the meals for the day to consist of five different fresh fruits, and at least five different fresh vegetables a day served with fresh fish. For breakfast everyone will want fresh juice, fresh fruit salad, bacon scrambled eggs, toast and fresh ground coffee served with either half and half or skim milk. Sending her a list of menus might not be a good idea although you might give her a few suggestions: we like fish but not shellfish, we like chicken but not fried chicken, we like rice but not fried rice and beans. Keep it simple: fresh fruit, vegetables, fish and herbs. Let her surprise you with her delightful desserts and fresh baked goods that are tried and true. If the villa is on loan and not through a realtor, ask the owners for advice or for the name and number of the housekeeper or overseer of the villa.

Entertaining: Meeting a Duchess
Q When meeting a duchess, is there anything you should or should not do? And if you are cooking the meal for the duchess, are there any rules to follow?

A When you are in the United Kingdom, you would address the duchess in speech as "Your Grace," and you would introduce her to your other guests as "Her Grace, the Duchess of Devonshire"; however, in the United States we are not expected to be as formal and it simply is not done. In the United States, when introducing the duchess, you would call her the "Duchess." Her place card would read: The Duchess of Devonshire.

You would entertain the Duchess, just as you would entertain any woman friend you respect. Be yourself.

Entertaining: Meeting the Neighbors
Q Thank you for answering my question. My husband is a Captain in the army. He does very well in his work, but during his last evaluation, he was told that he did not participate enough socially. As his wife, I want to show support for his career. The problem is this is all new to me. I am not friendly with the other wives, because I haven't joined the Officer Wives Club. Now that this has come up in his evaluation, I'm going to join the club. And would like to have dinner parties and socialize more. I guess my first question is when I decide to have a party how do I find out whom to invite? His co-workers do not know me at all. When I went to his promotion ceremony, I tried to be friendly, but some people wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I've checked a lot of book stores to see if I could find a book that could help me. I feel that I would be helping my husband a lot if I started doing more. What would be the proper way for me to become more social and in turn, help my husband's career?

A Start by sitting down with your husband and making a list of the people he owes, those who invited him for dinner or drinks in the past. Add to this list co-workers with whom he feels that he communicates well. Then you can get a list of his co-workers with their spouses names and addresses from the Officer's Club. Look at your budget and decide how much you are prepared to spend to entertain. Why not start by inviting a couple of couples for a barbecue? Take advantage of the seasons to pick your theme. In summer you can barbecue and have a cooler with drinks in the back yard or deck; grill steaks and chicken to serve with salads and corn-on-the-cob that you have prepared in advance. A dessert as simple as ice cream served with fudge sauce and cookies is always a hit. At Christmastime you can heat up a prebaked ham and serve it with cheeses and condiments for a cocktail buffet. Many couples are often looking for an excuse to hire a baby-sitter and go out on a Saturday night, so an invitation for a cocktail party might be just the excuse to go out for dinner after drinks at your house. Nowadays you can find invitations for cocktail parties, along with cocktail napkins, on line. Humorous cocktail napkins are great ice breakers. Set a time frame for the cocktail party, say, from six to eight o'clock, that way you send the message that you are not serving dinner; however, since it is cocktail party, you will want to prepare platters of cheeses decorated with fresh grapes served with sliced breads and sausages ahead of time. Fresh raw vegetables with a light dip and salsa with chips are always popular. Divide the chores, for instance put your husband in charge of making the drinks, while you replenish the platters and pass the shrimp cocktail platter, which will give you time to chat briefly with your guests. Your guests will reciprocate by inviting you and your husband to their house, or at the very least when they call the next day to thank you for your party, you can ask if she would like to meet you for lunch one day.

Entertaining: Men's Dress Code: To Take Off Your Jacket or Not
Q Is it proper for a gentlemen to remove his dinner jacket while at the table?

A It depends upon the situation. For instance if you are at a dinner dance under a tent and there is no air-conditioning or breeze in mid-August and you've been dancing up a storm, take off your jacket and hang it neatly on the back of your chair, but try to enlist another man to take off his jacket, too. At a private home, the host will usually under-dress slightly so that a guest arriving informally dressed will not be made to feel uncomfortable. It is far better to arrive in a jacket with a tie discreetly hidden in your pocket, and take off the jacket. In a restaurant, look around; if conditions are forcing other men to take off their jackets, then by all means do so. If this sounds like a wishy-washy answer, that's because it is. I would need to know more about the circumstances of the situation in order to give you a proper answer. The short answer is this: gentlemen wear a jacket when dining out; however, if other men are removing their jackets or there is a consensus to do so, then there is no reason for you to be uncomfortable. The dress code is established by the majority of those in attendance.

Entertaining: Menu: Finger Foods
Q What meats are properly eaten without eating utensils?

A Any meat in a manageable container, for instance a hot dog on a bun and a hamburger on a bun, crostini and pizza with meat, roast beef sandwich, BLT, pigs in the blanket, as well as other canapes with meat filling. Bacon and barbecue are also eaten with ones fingers, as well as spare ribs and chops. Certain shellfish such as lobster, fried clams and fried oysters, shrimp cocktail, and crab legs can also be eaten without utensils.

Entertaining: Mom Wants to Give Daughter Shower
Q Is it appropriate for a mother to give a daughter a baby shower?

A I am sure your daughter would greatly appreciate it if you gave her a baby shower, but you need to check with her first. She wouldn't give a baby shower for herself, but you could certainly give her one.

Entertaining: Money Tree for Eightieth Birthday Party
Q A friend is planning a suprise 80th birthday party for his mother who lives in a nice house and not on welfare. He wants to mention "Money Tree" on the invitations. I am unaware of this method of asking for money and think it is quite tacky. Guests include many that will pay for travel across the nation, hotels, meals, rent-a-cars, etc. For an 80th b-day, should not people's attendance be gift enough - maybe bring old photos and funny memories?

A You are correct. It is really tacky to ask for money and to have a money tree. Most eighty-year-olds are just happy for the contact and are satisfied with that.

Entertaining: Mother Hosting Baby Shower
Q Can a mother give a baby shower?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. You might have a friend or cousin of your daughter host the party and you can be a silent host.

Entertaining: Mother of the Father + Baby Shower
Q Is it proper to give a baby shower for your own child? My son is married and they are expecting their first. My daughter-in-law's mother wants to plan their shower. What's proper in 2006? Thanks so much.

A Usually, the mother of the mother to be does not host the baby shower because it might seem like a solicitation for gifts. However, nowadays, it is fine if the mother of the father of the baby or any other family members hosts the shower. If nobody else steps up to the plate and gives the new mother a shower, then it is fine for the mother's mother to host the baby shower.

Entertaining: Mother Wants to Host Baby Shower for Daughter
Q My daughter is 31 years old and is expecting her first child. She lives 5 hours away. She called me and told me her mother-in-law is going to give her a baby shower (7 hours away). She wanted to know when I was going to give her a baby shower. I have a friend (2 hours away) who said if someone is going to give her a shower to let her know as she wanted to help. I teach and have helped with many kinds of showers. One of my friends hosted my daughter's wedding shower. She has not mentioned giving my daughter a baby shower. Is it proper for me to give my own daughter a baby shower if no one mentions it? Since she has not lived in this town since she graduated from college, whom should I invite? Is there a way to handle this without asking or hinting to my friends to give her a shower? I would love to give her a shower, I just don't want everyone to think we are asking for presents. Is there a certain kind of shower I could give her? Please help me. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings especially my daughter's, but do not want to offend people either.

A Is there anyone else in her hometown who might be able to give her a shower? Traditionally, as you expressed in your question, the mother does not give her daughter a shower because it seems like a solicitation for gifts. If there is a childhood friend or cousin who could host the shower, you might offer to pay the expense and even hold the event at your house; however, the host and the RSVP response would be that to the friend or cousin. Talk about the fact that you would like your daughter to feel connected to her roots and about the camaraderie for friends and family, which is why you would like her to have a shower and make light of the gift aspect.

Entertaining: Music: DJ Versus Band
Q I've been told never to use a disc jockey for a party that's black tie; did I make a terrible faux pas by having a really good DJ rather than a band?

A In my opinion, lots of DJs are better than lots of bands. This is a snobbism that one ignores. Don't even engage in that dialogue. If you like the DJ, that's what is important. Do you really care what other people think? Remember that great line, "It's my party and I'll do what I wanna,' do what I wanna.'" The exception might be if you were hosting a terribly stuffy party in a hired ballroom and the median age was sixty-five. On the other hand, if the party is at your country club or home, then do your own thing.

Entertaining: Napkin Etiquette
Q How do you place a napkin on the table?

A The napkin can be placed on the charger or plate that is at the place setting when the guest sits down, or it can be placed to the left of the plate. How the napkin is folded depends upon the size and the fabric of the napkin and whether or not napkin rings are used.

Entertaining: Napkin Etiquette
Q What is the correct way to make use of your cloth napkin at a restaurant?


A Spread the napkin out on your lap to keep crumbs and spills off your clothing. To wipe your mouth take the tip of the napkin in one hand and dab your mouth and chin. If you spill on your tie or shirt, dab a corner of the napkin in your water glass and dab the spot a couple of times. When leaving the table, loosely fold your napkin and place it to the left of your fork.

Entertaining: Napkin Etiquette
Q What is the proper way to fold a napkin for a formal at home dinner? Where should the fold be on the napkin, next to the plate or on the outside?

A There is no one "proper" way fold a napkin. No rule carved in stone. Nevertheless, there have been coffee table books written on the subject. How a napkin is folded would depend upon the size and shape of the napkin and whether or not the napkin has a monogram or other focal interest. Chances are that when you purchased the napkins, they were presented as how they were designed to be placed at a table setting. For instance, a square napkin is usually folded three times into a rectangle with the fold side placed closest to the plate. Jackie Kennedy introduced square napkins into the White House, which are folded four times, so that they are slim and long. The most conventional, perhaps, is the triangle, where the square is folded in half once, then once again bringing it back to a square, and then the folded point is folded into a triangle to meet its opposite point. It is then placed next to the plate with fold closest to the plate and the point pointing away.

Entertaining: Napkin Etiquette
Q While at dinner and you have to be excused to go to the powder room, where do you place your napkin? Some experts say folded neatly in your chair and some say folded neatly beside you place. Which is correct?

A You would leave your napkin loosely folded to the left of your plate. If you leave it on your chair, there is always the possibility that the napkin will slip off and you'll return to your place only to find that you had to hunt for your napkin under the table. Then you would have to ask for a replacement from the waiter because you wouldn't want to use a napkin that had been on the floor in a public place. By the way, you need not fold the napkin too neatly because you wouldn't want people to think that you hadn't been using it.

Entertaining: No Anniversary Gifts on Invite
Q What is the proper way to ask for no gifts for a anniversary party?


A Saying anything negative on an invitation gives off a bad vibe, a negative connotation; so, you might not want to say anything at all. By word-of-mouth tell everyone who calls to RSVP that you do not want anniversary presents. If a friend is insistent, say the other guests will feel awkward, if she brings a gift, so please don't. Word-of-mouth can be very powerful.

Entertaining: No Children at Party
Q I understand that "no children" at cocktail parties should be a word of mouth, but is there certain wording that makes it understood? ie) u & guest/spouse r cordially invited? It seems to be understood to me, but maybe there's a better way of saying it?

A The most graceful way to clarify exactly whom you are inviting would be to individually write-in the adults' names on the invitation. For instance, if you only want George and Elizabeth to attend, you would hand write their names; the fill-in invitation might read:

Charles and Caroline Dickens
requests the pleasure of
(George and Elizabeth Spencer)
at our annual Holiday Party
on Saturday, December 21, 2006
six until eight o'clock

RSVP
(your phone number)

Entertaining: No Children at the Party
Q How do I write an invitation to invite all my neighbors over for a pot luck cocktail party for adults only without offending anyone that has kids?

A As you would be liable for any person under the age of 21, if they had consumed alcohol at your house, you are perfectly correct to put "21 Years of Age and Older Only." It is never good karma to say "No Children" or use any negative word on an invitation.

Entertaining: No Children Please
Q How do u say it PC - "no children please" on a holiday invitation?

A There is no politically correct way to tell your friends that you don't want them to bring their children. Additionally, it is also not appropriate to print anything negative on an invitation; for instance you would never use "Regrets Only" or "No Presents." The only way to handle the situation is through word-of-mouth. If you have your telephone number next to the RSVP on the invitation and turn off your voice mail (If it is important, they will call back.), you will be able to tell people personally that it is a grown-up party and you are not inviting anyone under the age of twenty-one. You might have your friends spread the word that you think children get a mixed message about alcohol, if they are invited to a party where alcohol is being served.

Entertaining: No Children Wanted
Q How to word no children wanted at a church service or reception?

A It is not good etiquette to ever put anything negative on an invitation because it sets off a negative vibe. Address the invitation only to the adults you want to attend, then on the invitation write "Dick and Jane, we hope you two both will come." Then when Jane calls to RSVP, tell Jane that you are not having children at the church service or the reception and that you hope she spreads the word. By word of mouth, it will get out that children will not be welcomed. Be consistent. You can't very well tell one mother she can bring her child and then tell the rest that they cannot.

Entertaining: No Gifts for Three-Year-Old's Party
Q I am giving a birthday party for my three-year-old son, how do I word the invitation so that people do not feel obligated to bring birthday gifts?

A Saying anything negative on any invitation is not a good idea because it sets a negative vibe to the occasion. Let the birthday boy have his presents. People usually spend according to their means and since there are lots of inexpensive gifts for three-year-olds, let them bring presents. If you don't want your child overwhelmed by too many gifts, he does not have to open them all at once; you can hold some back for him to open at another time. However, if you really don't want people to bring presents, by word of mouth when people telephone to RSVP you can tell the invitees that they "do no need to bring a present" or that you "would prefer that guests did not bring gifts."

Entertaining: No Gifts No Way
Q How do you word "no gifts" on a birthday invitation?

A On an invitation the host never mentions anything negative, so you would not say "no gifts." I believe strongly in word of mouth. When your guest telephones to RSVP, say that you would rather guests not bring a gift because those who don't bring gifts might feel awkward so you are telling everyone who calls not to bring a gift.

Entertaining: No Gifts on Invitations
Q Last week I inquired as to "no gifts" invitation...should a card with money enclosed be proper???
I had expected an answer..but no response from you.

A I am terribly sorry but if you knew how many questions I receive every day---and all through the night, you would be more compassionate. I do my best to keep up; however, I live on an island and every now and then nobody on the island can use their email and my list of questions backs up because I cannot access the Internet. It happens. I am not one for giving excuses, but it is a fact of e-world island life.

Your email address looks familiar so, I think I have already answered your question; however, since I do not track email addresses with the questions, I cannot be sure. Here is the short answer:

When an invitation states "no gifts" the host means just that: they do not want any gifts---whatsoever. Respect your friend's wishes and do not send them a present or money. Thankfully, not all invitations are about collecting "the booty." Be grateful that you keep such dignified company.

Once again, I am terribly sorry that you did not get a speedy reply. My friends think that I should charge for my consultations as a means of politely cutting down on the number of questions.

With my apologies,

Didi

Entertaining: No Host Baptism
Q What is the etiquette for a no host lunch for a baptism, do you bring a gift?

A You would bring a small gift for the baby and you will be expected to pay for your own lunch afterwards, should you decide to have lunch with the family.

Entertaining: No Kids
Q How to word invitations so that no kids are invited to an adult party?

A First off, do not put "no children" on the invitation because it sets off a negative feeling. An etiquette rule is to never say anything negative on an invitation, such as: regrets only, no presents. Use fill-in invitations that have a place for you to write in the invitees names, for instance:

Carol and Charles Dickens
request the pleasure of the company of
(fill in the name of the people you are inviting here)
to celebrate our tenth anniversary
etc.
RSVP
(your telephone number)

Then when the invitee call to accept, you tell her that you are not inviting any children. By work of mouth it will get around the you are not prepared to have children at your party.

Entertaining: No RSVP
Q What is the protocol if invited to events with no RSVP?

A If there isn't an RSVP, then you do not need to reply to the invitation. An invitation without an RSVP is either for an "open house," or it is a flyer to promote something such as a politician, an art exhibit, a writer's book, a band, an opening of a restaurant, bar, store, showroom or designer goods as seen at a trunk shows for clothing, lingerie, jewelry or either luxury items. An example would be an invitation to a Tupperware Party. Often upon arrival, you will find that there is a cover charge or minimum, or that they are trying to sell things. An exception would be, say, for a wedding where there might not be an RSVP for the ceremony at the church because the church is large and the RSVP is for the reception, which is often a seated dinner.

Entertaining: No Show, No Apologize
Q I hosted a wine party recently. Two guests who responded yes to the invitation did not show up for the party. One of these guests called the next day to apologize.

The other guest is a co-worker who has not contacted me regarding her absence. She does not strike me as the impolite or unfriendly type. We have very little contact with each other because we are in different departments.

What would be the best way to handle this awkward situation? Is it up to her to start a conversation about her absence? Or should I confront her and point out what happened, and how can I do that politely?

I would appreciate any help and a quick response.

Thank you

A Your guest might not have deliberately stood you up. There may have been extenuating circumstances she may be embarrassed about, which is why she was a no show. Let go of it. People have parties all the time where guests don't show up for one reason or another and don't think to apologize. Whatever you do, don't act as though you are unsophisticated and complain about her behavior behind her back at work.

Entertaining: On Informal Invite Does His or Her Name Appear First
Q On informal invitations from married couples, which name comes first, male or female?

A These days you will see married couples' names both ways, whether his name is first does not really matter. You might see more invitations with his name first but I think the trend seems to be going towards her name appearing first. I always think, ladies first.

Entertaining: One Invitation to Group?
Q Is it acceptable to give one invitation to a group of people in the same office rather than send individual ones?

A It would depend upon the circumstances. If you were inviting them to a wedding, you would send separate invitations to each person with their name again on the inside envelope. If you are inviting them to a cook out, why not send them an e-vite?

Entertaining: Opening Gifts at Large Parties
Q Is it proper to open gifts in front of the guests at our 40th wedding anniversary party? need info ASAP

A Personally, I think it is boring to watch people open gifts and I don't subject my guests to it. Have large shopping bags on hand and after the last guest has left, fill the shopping bags and help the couple into their car or deliver the presents to the anniversary couple the following day. The exceptions would be small intimate all women showers or a very small birthday party.

Entertaining: Opening Presents at Anniversary Party
Q Hi, it's Mary from WV again on the 45th wedding anniversary party. We need to know when and if the gifts should be opened? Thanks.

A Do not have the anniversary couple open the gifts at the party. Nobody, but nobody, wants to sit around and watch people opening gifts, especially men. By the way, most anniversary party invitations specifically ask the guests not to bring a gift. Have people send a card because by this stage in life, the anniversary couple is probably trying to get rid of "stuff." On the lower right hand corner of the invitation would be written: Please, no gifts! Celebrations at this stage of life is all about contact, connecting old friends and relatives with new, and not about the booty. By word of mouth, get the word out that you don't want people to bring presents. If they do, hide the presents discreetly behind a screen so that those who did not bring a gift don't fell remiss. Whatever you do, don't solicit for 45th anniversary gifts.

Entertaining: Organizing Dutch Treat Dinner
Q I'm having a birthday party for my husband at a restaurant and I need to know how to phrase on the invitations that you pay for your own meal.

A Remember that when you are asking people to self-pay, you cannot expect them also to buy your husband a gift. You are not "having" a birthday party for your husband, you are only "organizing" a "Dutch Treat" dinner for your husband.

Please join the friends & family
of Stephen Smith
for a "Dutch Treat" dinner
to celebrate his fortieth
on March 10th
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl
Newport (optional as to whether to list town)

RSVP 000-000-0000
In lieu of a gift, dinner is "Dutch Treat"

Entertaining: Out of Town Invites to Baby Shower
Q Is it proper to send baby shower invitations to friends and relatives who are out of state, or should I wait until the baby is born and send announcements? Thank You

A After the baby is born send the out of state relatives and friends an announcement with a handwritten sentence or two along with a photo. People like the personal touch and by then you will have a better sense of what you still need for your baby, should they inquire.

Entertaining: Oyster Fork Placement
Q Where should you place an oyster fork?

A Traditionally, the oyster fork is placed on the right and farthest away from the plate. However, you might find it placed to the left and farthest from the plate.

Entertaining: Party Etiquette: Wet Boots
Q Our family spends the Christmas holidays at a ski resort where we are invited to Christmas dinner with old family friends. This Christmas night when we arrived after a bit of rain, our hostess offered to loan me a pair of her shoes, if I took off my nice Italian boots. I matter-of-factly told her that my boots were not muddy because we had just come from the lodge next door and I had wiped them on the mat. When I entered the living room, much to my chagrin, I saw that light gray wall-to-wall carpeting had been installed since our last visit. What would you have done?

A It is incredibly inhospitable to make any guest uneasy; however, if your friend had been upfront with you at the door and said, "I hope you don't mind but we just got a new carpet," you would have picked up your cue to borrow her shoes. Next year put a pair of soft shoes in your bag and change into them without hesitation. As a gift you might bring her a pair of decorative Asian slip-ons that one finds in boutiques these days. Your note could say, "In case I forget to bring shoes." As a guest, I, too, would have kept on my Italian boots.

Entertaining: Party Guest in Restaurant Pay for Dinner
Q If you are giving a birthday party for a relative and you are inviting other guests, is it okay to charge the other guests a set amount for the food if the party is at a restaurant?

A You would need to make it perfectly clear to the guests that it is a "Dutch Treat" dinner and they will be responsibly for their food, drinks, tax and tip. You will need to tell them how much they will need to pay you in cash for the dinner and when you expect to be reimbursed. Remember, if you ask people to pay for their food, you cannot expect them to bring a birthday present for your relative.

Entertaining: Party Planner Sending Thank-You Notes
Q Is it etiquette for the party planner send thank-you notes to the waitresses and country club director?

A No.

Entertaining: Pass Food to the Right
Q When passing food to the next person, do you pass to the right or left?

A When passing food to the next person, you would pass it to the person on your right.

Entertaining: Pass to the Right
Q When at a banquet and the guests are passing the food, do you pass to the left or to the right?

A At a banquet when the guests are passing the food, you would pass to the right.

Entertaining: Passing Food
Q What is the proper direction to pass food at the table?

A If, say, a serving dish is being passed around the table by the seated guests, it would most likely be served clockwise so that if there is a second platter being passed, it would be passed counterclockwise.

Entertaining: Pay Parties
Q When invited to a retirement/birthday party that cost $60.00 per person and is black tie, should I give a gift?

A No, you do not need to give a gift. Think of it as a charity event: you receive the invitation to the charity benefit and you write a check, if you want to attend; that is your gift. If the retirement/birthday was hosted and you didn't have to pay to attend, you probably would feel obligated to send a gift or at least a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note.

Entertaining: Paying with Multiple Parties
Q What is the proper etiquette for payment when dining with multiple parties?

A Tell the server when you are ordering for you and your partner (or date), that you and she are on the same bill and make sure he knows which she, in fact, she is by saying "the woman in the red dress." If you are traveling solo, say to the server, "I'll take care of my own check." The problem when the bill is divvied up by the server when everyone gives the server their credit cards is that those who have been drinking up a storm and ordering filet mignon and lobster, end up NOT paying their fair share. If that is not an issue, when the check comes, take out your credit card and suggest that the bill be divvied up. At that point, the other gentlemen will reach for their wallets. If the bill never appears, one of the guests might have already paid the tab on his way to the men's room, and he is the host you will want to thank.

Entertaining: Personalizing Baby Shower Party Favors
Q I am giving away personalized m & m candy baby shower party favors at my baby shower. Is it inappropriate to label baby shower party favors (the candies themselves) with the baby's name?

A If the baby is alive, born, and well, that might be fine. Ask the mother first and be sure to get the correct spelling of the name.

Entertaining: Picking Up the Check
Q I am developing a business arrangement with a friend who will be receiving a sizable commission for facilitating a business arrangement with a 3rd party. He will be standing good for the $$ between myself and the 3rd party and will have little to do with the business dealings after the introduction, but will continue to receive a sizable ongoing commission. I initially suggested the 3 of us, along with my partner get together for introductions. My friend suggested a restaurant and we set a time. I arrived with my partner expecting to be meeting the 2nd and 3rd party for a business dinner. Surprisingly to us, they arrived with their wives, thus 6 people. My question: which party should have bought dinner? Should it have been the 3rd party because his business was the focal point of the transaction an