• Family Funerals
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Family Funerals

Dear Didi,

My daughter-in-law and I are fairly close. Should I go to her mother’s funeral even though I never met her?

–Melinda, Midwest

Dear Melinda,

About family funerals and whether to attend or not when you never met the deceased. You would attend the funeral of your daughter-in-law's mother in support of your son's wife and the extended family you share. Understandably, a daughter has a hard time when her mother dies, no matter how difficult the relationship may or may not have been. Sadly, the most arduous mother-daughter relationships may be the hardest deaths to deal with because of deeply rooted unresolved issues. Ask what you can do by also suggesting specific things that you could do to help your daughter-in-law through this difficult time. Such as offering to help with the preparations for the service or reception, or by keeping track of the condolence flowers and cards; providing a dinner one night for your son's family; helping to pack up and vacate the deceased's house or apartment and dispersing or/and disposing of her mother's worldly goods, are a few of the many ways your welcomed assistance will be useful while your daughter-in-law struggles to accept her loss. On the other hand, your daughter-in-law could shut you out and not want any help at this time, but don't take it personally. Momentarily, she may be withdrawing from family and friends in an effort to pull herself together. Give her all the time she needs to make the huge adjustment of losing a parent. We all go through the mourning process in our own way and in our own time. It may be that your daughter-in-law will need your friendship most weeks or months from now when the funeral is but a sad memory. Her mother's death a bitter loss. 15funeral_sharp-2 If your son and daughter-in-law have children, their children -- your grandchildren -- will find comfort in knowing that their father's mother is alive, well, and presently on the scene. Your presence would be greatly appreciated. Grandmothers are memory makers. Even if they are not part of the child's daily routine, they come to the rescue when her family needs her moral support. 697497821e4a4f6bbaa5cf2e2f413522_t1070_ha2ef2ee0118c1bbc55320aa7b9bcc611796c0567

~Didi

  • Memorial To My Sister
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Memorial To My Sister

Dear Didi,

My sister died this past spring in Italy, where she had lived for many years. As an artist, I felt I had to create a work — a memorial to my sister — and have cards made up of the image to send to her friends. Is that appropriate? Even though we lived in different countries, we were close and I took care of her as well as I could. I spent a few days with her two weeks before she died when we said our good-byes.

Friends of hers have written their condolences, but since Italian is not my native tongue, I want to send them the image I created for my sister that is helping me through my deep feelings of grief. She was buried with her husband who predeceased her, so I feel as her brother this is something I can do to commemorate her life. Is it OK? She was always greatly supportive of my work.

–B.J., Westport, CT

Dear B.J.,

What a truly wonderful expression of appreciation for the life of your sister. Through a memorial to your sister in the form of an original work of art printed on a card, you are immortalizing her. You will not have to have too many words in the card following a powerful image. It could be as simple as her name above the years of her her life. Adding a few handwritten words of appreciation before signing your name would be perfect:

With much appreciation,

most sincerely and all

good wishes,

Don't give this creative instinct a second thought. In your own time and in your own way, you are stating that your sister will be remembered.

~Didi

  • Funeral Reception Etiquette — Dutch Treat
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Funeral Reception Etiquette — Dutch Treat

Dear Didi,

What is the funeral reception etiquette for asking people to pay for their lunch at the luncheon? We cannot afford to feed anyone other than ourselves after a graveside memorial service. A family member suggested we should organize a luncheon at a beloved restaurant after the service and let everyone know in advance that they are welcome to join us, but they would have to pay for their own meal. How do we put that in the invitation/announcement?

My mother-in-law stipulated that she did not want a formal funeral reception. We thought of having a potluck luncheon in our home, but the list of people wanting to attend the funeral is growing and our home is small. We struggle to make ends meet monthly. The idea of asking people to buy their own meal is fine and the restaurant holds many memories for my husband, as it did for his mom. I can’t think of a kind way of saying, “Buy your own meal, if you want to join us in the invitation.” Should it be done?

–Janet, Minnesota

Dear Janet,

It's OK to suggest that people pay their own way. What you want them to understand is that instead of sending flowers, they join you and your family for a Dutch Treat luncheon at your family's favorite restaurant after the gravesite memorial service. Say that she didn't want a formal funeral reception and would rather have her family and friends mourn her death happily in her favorite restaurant.

The invitation, centered on a card or email and substituting your own information, could go something like this:

The family of Alice May Brown cordially invites you to mourn her death cheerfully at dutch treat luncheon in her honor at her favorite family restaurant, by paying for your own lunch instead of sending flowers.

Immediately following the 11:00pm graveside memorial service we hope you can meet  us on Thursday, July 18th at the Blue Heron Restaurant, 228 Valley Road, Minneapolis. MI. 

RSVP to jbrown@gmail.com or 431-456-6711. Please let us know if you are planning to attend the luncheon so we can reserve enough tables.

I hope you like the tone of this invitation because it is meant to sound as though this is how your mother-in-law would have wanted to be mourned.

What you say to friends is that in lieu of flowers, you would rather they attend a dutch treat lunch in her honor.

Ahead of time, find out from the restaurant the approximate cost of how much the average lunch costs, in case someone asks you'll want to know the answer. By talking to the manager or owner, you may be able to work out a set price for a three course lunches that has two options for the entree.

~Didi

  • What to Say And Not Say at A Funeral
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

What to Say And Not Say at A Funeral

Dear Didi,

Not to sound socially inept, but how does one know what to say and not say at a funeral or in a condolence letter? I hear people uttering silly comments such as, “She is in a better place,” or “He is with God now.” What exactly is the funeral etiquette for what should be said and not said?

–E.F., Portland, OR

Dear E.F.,

There are words and phrases that are spoken because they are appropriate, and other cliches that should not be said at a funeral or in a condolence letter. It is safest to keep personal feelings to yourself. No matter how religious you are, the survivor -- the spouse, partner, child, parent, colleague or friend -- may be far too angry to be feeling good about listening to cliches -- religious or otherwise -- that they don't find comforting. Hold your tongue, cliches are not always consoling and can actually annoy the survivor. Everyone deals with the death of a loved one in their own way and in their own time. You don't really know how bad they're hurting, because you are not the survivor. Don't say: He is in a better place now, God had a plan for her, Because you're still young you'll find another husband, She is in God's hands now, Oh, dear, you poor thing, I know what you're going through, God has his plan, I know how you're feeling right now, It will get better, My uncle died of the same thing. People never truly understand the death of a loved one until it happens to them. Nor would you say months later, I would have called you sooner but I didn't want to be intrusive (or I thought you would be too busy). Instead, offer to pay for the bartender at the reception or help with the acknowledgements for the flowers. More importantly, don't make a gesture you do not follow up on, such as saying, "Let's have lunch next week and go to a movie, I'll call you." It would be better not to suggest a plan, rather than make one and not follow through with it. She may be anticipating the distraction after family and friends have gone back to their routines leaving her alone with sad thoughts. Nor would you ask, What can I do for you? Do something even if it is baking a coffee cake, walking her dog, mowing the lawn, or paying a funeral expense. Don't ask personal questions: What happened to your son? When are you going to sell your house? How are you? Let me know if I can help? Do you want me to rid of some of her personal things so you're not reminded of him? Be helpful by not asking, How can I help? Try taking the family prepared food, helping with the acknowledgements, and making sure the widowed isn't alone too much. There are all sorts of ways to pitch in and help. Take her out for a walk or go for a swim. Play golf with him. The widowed are not physically incapacitated and could be craving companionship after the brouhaha of the funeral. Eventually the survivor will find a new normal at their own pace. Often weeks or months after the death of a loved one is when your friendship is needed the most. About condolence cards and letters. The same mindfulness applies. Don't start every sentence with the pronoun I and talk about yourself. The person is too wrapped up in their own grief to relate to how you felt when your loved one died from same illness. And don't ever write, I know what you're going through. Because you don't. Nobody does. Only the survivor knows what they feel. Instead, write, You and your children (family) are in our thoughts and we want you all to come for dinner on Friday, July 12th at seven o'clock. I'll call you to confirm. You can certainly express your sorrow and sympathy by writing (or saying), I am deeply sorry for your loss, or, You have my deepest sympathy. Most importantly, be a good listener. It takes patience to listen to a recently widowed person's reminiscences. Show interest by encouraging him to share stories about the deceased's triumphs, missteps, accomplishments, and most of all her sense of humor. Start by reminding him of an anecdote of your own about the deceased. Remember something funny or clever the deceased said or did to leave the mourner with another memory, especially a good one, to cherish.

~Didi

  • What about Signing off An Email
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

What about Signing off An Email

Dear Didi,

What is the etiquette for signing off an email for business and personal emails? I certainly don’t do Xs and Os, but Yours truly, and Sincerely, don’t work for me.

 

–A.D., Chicago, IL

Dear A.D.,

Even in business, signing off an email is personal because it reflects who you are. Express your personality -- even a little bit. When closing with Yours truly, Best wishes, Kind regards, or Sincerely, you leave the reader with a bland feeling, blah, blah, blah.... How you end a communication varies depending on the context and your relationship with the recipient. Use Respectfully, or Respectfully yours, when recommending someone for a job or membership, because it means: I respect you and this other person enough to recommend or endorse you both. A friendlier, yet still business-like closing, would be to write: Have a great weekend. To close an email dialogue for the rest of the day: Have a great night -- meaning that's it from me on this end (so don't bother texting). Or, when there is a special occasion or event: Have a wonderful vacation -- holiday, honeymoon, afternoon delight, trip, sabbatical, birthday weekend, or Thanksgiving. Personally, I adore singing off with Cheers, but to some people it sounds too British and thus pretentious. When I'm emailing my really good friend we don't sign off. We assume we'll be back online where we left off eventually and leave the conversation open- ended. Then we pick back up without a Hi or Dear -- the way you don't sign off a text. For a get well ending I'll use: All best wishes for a speedy (swift) recovery, You'll be back in circulation before you know it, I'll see you on the dance floor in August, Sympathy: You're in my thoughts, or I'll be thinking of you, Condolence: You and John are in my thoughts and prayers, or Bill joins me in sending our best wishes, I'm not a big fan of XXOO or Hugs. I never use them. They seems too middle-school. If I truly love someone, I'll end: Love, Didi With my children it is always unconditional: Lots of love always, For friends: Hope to see you soon, Let's get together soon, Talk to you soon, Until Thursday, See you for dinner Saturday, Closing a message to a colleague: Wonderful to hear from you, Great job, Keep  up the good work, Work well done. When I don't know what to say because the message is philanthropic, I use: Kindest regards, and With much appreciation, That's all for now, cheers,    

~Didi

  • Facebook Life after Death
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Facebook Life after Death

Dear Didi,

Periodically, Facebook reminds me of a friend or acquaintance who is dead. Either because it is his birthday and it wants me to wish him a happy day or it wants me to recommend people whom he should friend. If something happened to me, I would not want my face to hauntingly appear in the ‘Friends’ section of the timelines of members of my family and friends. In other words, what is the etiquette for Facebook life after death?

–Ophelia, Grosse Pointe, MI

Dear Ophelia,

There does not have to be any life after death on Facebook. You have the option of appointing a "legacy contact." This executor of your account takes charge of the memorials after you're dead. You instruct him or her as to your wishes. He or she has privileges that allow your profile photo and information to be updated. Your legacy contact can even be changed. However, take note that this memorialized contact cannot be changed once you're gone. From your account settings in your browser or on your mobile, select Security. Choose 'Legacy Contact' and type in the name of a Facebook friend to add as your legacy contact. If you would rather not have a memorialized timeline, you can choose the option of having your Facebook permanently deleted. However, even without a legacy contact your family can report your death to Facebook and place a memorialization request. Either way, your account name appears with the word "Remembering" in front of your name. In setting your security settings accordingly, friends will be able to post reminiscing comments on your timeline. Facebook states that account holders with memorialized accounts can be assured that their name and face won't appear in birthday announcements and advertisements, nor on the People You May Know list of friend suggestions. Otherwise, request to have your account deleted after you die.

images-33

~Didi

  • Making A Memorial Service Private
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Making A Memorial Service Private

Dear Didi,

How do we contain the numbers at a memorial service in our church? My husband died and a good friend is hosting a dinner reception after the service, which will take place in three weeks.

The problem is this. The restaurant can only accommodate so many people, because of the strict fire code. My apartment is too small. Relatives and friends are coming from other states, our children’s friends will feel they have to attend, and everyone will expect to be invited to some sort of reception afterwards, which I cannot afford to host.

–N.W., Providence, RU

Dear N.W.,

In other words, making a memorial service private. Even if an obituary of your husband has already appeared in your local paper, take out a paid obituary announcing your husband's death and stating that there will be a 'private memorial service,' 'private family memorial service' or simply use, Memorial Service Private. Let the church know the service is private and by invitation only. The church should be able to rope off the nave (the main area) of the church for invited mourners. The officiate should NOT announce the reception following the service. Mourners who were not personally invited to the memorial service will sit in the areas of the church not roped off. Most likely the aisles (the sides of the church that run along the nave) and the transept (the area that crosses the nave near the top of the church). You cannot keep mourners out of the church, but you can delegate who sits where. When there is no announcement or information in the memorial program about a reception, those not personally invited will pick up on the fact that the reception is private. A memorial (funeral) invitation is a letter or card inviting the recipient to attend the memorial service (or funeral) to celebrate the life of the deceased. Written in a formal third person tone, it is sent immediately after the confirmation of the Memorial Service date, venue, and time. More recently, email letters and phone calls are used to rally the mourners. The invitation may include an admittance card to the church, such as this:

Admit Bearer

to service for

Mr. John Douglas Wilson

Thursday, May twentieth, 2015

At five o'clock, P.M.

St. James Episcopal Church

 Here are a couple of samples of memorial and funeral service invitations:Funeral announcment-1

VC4d1f5b8e85216

funeral-cards-1a

~Didi

  • What to Say in A Condolence Letter
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

What to Say in A Condolence Letter

Dear Didi,

Recently a very good friend hinted that I hadn’t written to her after her parents’ death. Despite the fact that I had sent her a card after each funeral. But she wanted more. Apparently she had wanted me to tell her an amusing story about the parent and elaborate on how wonderful each was. She had wanted me to delve deep into the parent’s character. I am not comfortable writing letters like that. I thought it was enough to send a card in which I added a heartfelt note. What is the proper etiquette for writing a condolence letter?

–G.L., Far Hills, NJ

Dear G.L.,

What to write in a condolence letter is one of the most difficult messages you will write. Go easy on yourself. In a perfect world, you would have written a one-page letter with at least three paragraphs. Starting by regaling the deceased's parent for being a memorable person in your life. Using their name along with any adjective that came to mind. Followed by offering your deepest sympathy for their loss. The third paragraph would consist of an amusing anecdote illuminating one of the parent's fine qualities. Or a colorful account of a dinner or car ride with the parent while you listened to your friend bantering about this and that. You could recall an incident about the Thanksgiving when you and your friend's mother walked into the kitchen to find the family dog gnawing on the turkey and how the two of you conspired to keep it a secret from the rest of the family. In the end, what you really want to come across is how deeply sorry you are for your friend's loss, because it is terrible to lose a parent. The next time you see this good friend, give her a big hug and tell her that you think about her parent with great fondness and let her know that the parent was indeed a wonderful person. Once the brouhaha from the funeral passes, we often forget that is when the real grieving begins. For many of us, writing such an intimate letter opens a wound of our own not yet healed. In the years to come, gently bringing up your friend's parents in conversation from time to time will make up for the fact that you didn't write condolence letters.

~Didi

  • Children’s Attendance at Funerals
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Children’s Attendance at Funerals

Dear Didi,

My son recently passed away during an operation unexpectedly. His entire school went to the funeral. How do I thank them?

–Sad in West Virginia

Dear Sad in West Virginia,

Attending a classmate's funeral helps your son's friends and classmates to cope with their loss. Children's attendance at funerals educates them to recognize the importance of being part of a community. Children should be included in all aspects of family rituals and their school is an extension of their family. It is not necessary for you to thank your son's schoolmates, but you can certainly do so in several ways.

The family of John Wilson

deeply appreciates your

sympathy and is grateful

for your thoughtfulness

You definitely could have an acknowledgement posted on the school bulletin board using the wording shown above, but inserting your son's name.

Additionally, you could raise funds to provide the school with something  it needs such as a bicycle rack, the replacement of a tree on the property, a new basket ball hoop, books for the library in which you could place a bookplate (see bookplateink.com) in each of the books like the one below that would say:  In memory of John Wilson (inserting your son's name).

m101 Having children's attendance at funerals teaches them that a funeral plays an important role in their mourning and helps them see death as a fact of life.

~Didi

  • Funeral Etiquette Flowers
  • Creative Etiquette Solutions

Funeral Etiquette Flowers

Dear Didi,

I am writing to you because you are an etiquette expert and I find myself at a loss not knowing what the appropriate etiquette is today because, thankfully, I have not had much experience with funerals.

My Dr. and dear friend died by suicide last week. You probably read about it in the New York Times. He was 65, a gay man without a partner, and no family except a brother he was distant from. He had so many friends and patients, that were also friends, and we all loved him.

One of his patients/friends is giving the funeral service tonight at Lincoln Centre for him. It is extremely generous of her to have organized everything.

I sent my own large arrangement and had my florist coordinate with her florist, who is doing the event’s florals, to keep on theme.

That aside I feel like I should send her a small posy of her favorite blooms and a note thanking her for stepping up during a time when we are all in shock. It is a huge responsibility to organize.

The only thing stopping me is that I don’t know her personally, only peripherally. In this situation is it appropriate for me to have my florist send a small discrete arrangement and a thank-you note?

–Francesca, NY, NY

Dear Francesca,

What a shock for you and his whole community that the good doctor took his own life. He must have been in a lot of emotional pain. The flowers to the service are generous and quite enough for now. About funeral etiquette flowers. My experience has been that during this time when emotion encompasses a broad range of feelings, reality has yet to set in. From the shock after the death of a loved one to the stress of orchestrating such an elaborate funeral service, it must be over-whelming for her. A well-meaning gift to the host of flowers can often be forgotten at this time. And is rarely acknowledged. On the other hand, one should never expect an acknowledgement. A small elegant arrangement of posies sent to the host reflecting your condolences and gratitude, would be appreciated much more deeply later on rather than now. 15 In a week or two when matters have calmed down, would be better timing. And who knows, you might even find a thank-you note in your mail. My point isn't about the thank-you note, it is about understanding the confusion of emotions surrounding the death of anyone. Also, on your enclosure with the flowers you can thank the host for organizing the 'moving and elegant funeral service.' 13

~Didi