Relationships: Abusive Friends
Q Hello, I hope you can help. My question is: I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and otherwise "let myself go" for a long period afterwards. A work acquaintance of mine, whom I had bent over backwards to help, approached my then-toddler-daughter at a social gathering and said, with a big smile on her face, as if she were joking, "how could an ugly woman like your mother have such a beautiful daughter?" And giggling she walked away. (She said this in Spanish, which I suppose, is to add so-called charm since this woman comes from a supposedly "distinguished" family in Latin America.)

What on earth should I have done ? I was mortified and extraordinarily hurt and crushed.......

A Please, don't feel hurt, don't feel crushed. Something similar happened to me and I understand your pain. You did the right thing by saying nothing. People who are going into dementia often say sad things before thinking. You were smart to do the opposite. No woman of high breeding would have ever said anything like that. Therefore, the woman has to be mentally deranged. Don't take this personally. Let it go. I know that it is hard, but she's not well and you are fine. The short answer is that there is nothing that you could have done, nor did you want to stoop to her level.

Relationships: Accepting an Apology
Q Do you have to accept an apology?


A It is always good to go up the ladder and accept an apology. I am not sure that you always have to say, "I accept your apology." I am not sure that it is a good idea to ask, "Do you accept my apology?" If the apology is made, perhaps that is enough and the less that is made out of the issue, the better. Often people have to let the apology settle and, perhaps, resonate before they can acknowledge the apology, so: acceptance of an apology should not be forced.

Relationships: Acknowledging Miscarriage with a Card
Q My parents' good friends' son and his wife were expecting a baby. They have had a miscarriage at about seven weeks along. My mom mentioned to her friend that she wanted to acknowledge it by sending a card and her friend didn't say yes or no. Is it a good idea to send the couple some kind of card?

A No, it is simply not done. The less said the better. This is a particularly sensitive time and parents who have just lost an unborn child do not want to be fussed over in any way. A card from your mother would require the parents to acknowledge her card with a thank-you from them; thus their sadness becomes a bit of a ping-pong game that nobody wants to play, least of all the devastated parents.

Relationships: Addressing a Widow
Q When sending a sympathy card to a widow, how is the envelope addressed? Is it different if the widow has children still living at home?

A You would address the sympathy card to the widow with her married name on the envelope. If you are on a first name basis, you would call her by her first name on the card. If there are children living at home, you could include their names or make a reference to them in a sentence or two in the card.

Relationships: Addressing Older People
Q I never know how to address older people. I am thirty and my childhood friends' parents have started asking me to call them by their first name. However, my best friend's dad asked me to call him by his first name but his mother hasn't. How do you address people older than you?

A By all means call your friend's dad by his first name but wait until his mother asks you to do the same. Never call a person who is a generation or more older than you by their first name unless you have been doing so since you were very young or the person insists that you do so. If an older person is a part of your extended family, you call them what you've always called them. When meeting future in-laws call them Mr. and Mrs. until they ask you to do otherwise. In the work place where most everyone is on a first name basis, follow the office code.

Relationships: Addressing Older People: Stepchildren + Stepparents
Q What is the proper way for adult stepchildren to introduce their father's wife?

A You would introduce the stepmother by saying, "Katie, I want you to meet my father's wife, Charlotte Jones." Or, "John, I would like to introduce you to my stepmother, Charlotte Jones." However, before the stepchild uses the step-mother's first name, he/she needs to find out from the stepmother what she wants them to call her and, furthermore, what she wants their friends to call her. For instance, she might ask her stepchildren to call her "Charlotte," but she might prefer that her stepchildren's friends call her "Mrs. Jones." That type of boundary should be clear early on. Therefore, although the adult stepchildren call her "Charlotte," they would introduce her as "my step-mother, Mrs. Jones," unless she has explicitly told them, "Please, have your friends call me Charlotte."

Remember that when making introductions, etiquette generally depends upon the ages of the persons being introduced to one another, as well as the age of the person making the introduction. That is why it is safe to use the stepmother's first and last name because a contemporary would then say, "It is so nice to finally meet you, Charlotte," whereas a younger person would respond to the introduction by saying, "How-do-you do, Mrs. Jones." Then it is up to Mrs. Jones to say, "Please, call me Charlotte."

In general, it is safe to call people forty years and older Mrs. Jones unless you are invited to call them by their first name.

Relationships: After the Divorce Who Gets the Ring?
Q I am getting divorced. Who gets the engagement ring?

A It would depend how long you have been married. Once you are married, the engagement is sealed by the marriage, therefore the ring belongs to the woman. However, if it is clearly early in the marriage and the woman is the one who wants the divorce, she would most likely return the ring, especially if it is a family heirloom.

Relationships: Allergic to Relatives
Q I am reading the Water Cooler Diaries and learned about this website from your "diary". Thank you in advance for answering this question that I have. My brother lives about 10 minutes away and we've both lived in the area for about 10 years. We both are married and have children similar ages, the oldest ones are 12 years old...a time when they'd love to spend a lot of time together. Here's the problem: his family got 2 cats 2 years ago knowing that our oldest daughter has severe cat allergies and can not go into his home now that they got cats. She also has asthma which means that allergy shots would not be helpful. My brother (as he's done all his life) did what he wanted to do - not being considerate of others- which was getting cats and figures it's my daughters problem that she has allergies. When they got the cats, my family was very upset, insulted, and shocked that we would never go to their house anymore to celebrate Christmas, have a BBQ, celebrate a birthday, etc., which we've always done in the past. Before they got the cats I used to have their children over often even though they didn't recipricate often, occasionally they did have our girls to their home. My question is: am I obligated to invite them over to my house? I have greatly minimized seeing them - they put no effort into seeing us anymore which hurts my feelings - but I have their children here occasionally to keep the children's friendship going (although it's awkward since we are doing all of the giving here) and I force myself each Xmas to have them here for dinner and we exchange gifts (which at this point feels artifical). They have done less and less the last couple years to keep our relationship going. They have never been thoughtful to us - more self-centered - but this last year, they didn't even buy our children birthday gifts. Obviously we are not important to them and if this were not my brother then I would have stopped the relationship years ago. When they drop off their children, they always seem happy to see us and stay to talk. Since they got cats I have closed my heart....just saying a light "hello" not discussing anything very important. Our sister recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and we didn't even call each other. My question is: should I feel obligated to invite his children to my home and continue doing the Xmas celebration with them? I would not have been upset if they had made an effort to get together after getting the cats. We could easily meet at the mall, for ice cream, a walk on the beach but they never ask us to do anything with them. I very much look forward to your reply.
P.S. I do feel that they are jealous of me and my family for various reasons which isn't helping.

Sincerely, Jodi

A I understand because my widowed, 92-year-old aunt doesn't know why I don't visit her more often. She lives only an hour and a half away and thinks it is because I don't like cats. I've never had the nerve to tell her that I am allergic to cats because she doesn't believe in it; she thinks it is just an excuse for me not to visit. At any rate, I now take her out to lunch, but when I find myself at her house for longer than forty minutes I gulp a few table spoons of liquid Dimatap and that gets me through whatever holiday we are celebrating. Cat lovers find it hard to understand that cats can actually make people sick. It makes no sense to argue with them. For years I have been disguising my one and only allergy for the sake of spending time with my favorite aunt. In my opinion, you have to take the high road for the sake of keeping the family together. Relations with first cousins are important and you want to nurture and encourage those ties. You will need to continue to the take the lead and have your brother's family visit your house and arrange to meet at a local beach, park or pizzeria. Your daughter is twelve so for the next eight or so years her allergies will subside because the huge amount of estrogen her body is producing will protect her somewhat from the allergens that make her sick. Monitor how she feels now after she has spent time with her cousins, because the cat dander from those two cats is all over those kids clothing, skin and it is in their hair. If she is not sneezing or/and her eyes are not watering while they are around, her estrogen level might already be protecting her. Having an asthmatic daughter myself, I learned early on that it was far better for her to have play dates, than no play dates at all since all of her friends seemed to have pets. When your daughter gets home from being in a pet household, give her a mild antihistamine, be sure that she takes a shower, and throw her clothing into the washing machine. This is a lifelong problem that our daughters have to learn how to handle. We cannot keep them in a bubble. By the time your daughter is twenty-one and her estrogen level begins to dwindle, she will have learned a lot about how to cope with this chronic disease.

Relationships: Alone With His Parents
Q My date leaves me alone with his parents, what do I do?

A Take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to get an insight into your date and ask them all about him.

Relationships: Announcing a Divorce
Q I will soon be divorced after 29 years of marriage. How do I tell family and friends? Do I make a formal announcement or just respond as questions arise??

A It is never easy to have to answer questions concerning a divorce, especially after 29 years of marriage. If there are children involved, you might want to remember that, as married parents, you were role models for your children's behavior and that now as single parents, you are still role models of behavior. The best way to handle the situation is to have the divorced couple agree that through word of mouth "You both mutually agreed that a divorce was in the best interest of both parties." Of course if the ex-spouse behaved badly and everybody knows it, that course does not work and you will have to come up with a line that will flow off your tongue very matter of factly: After 29 years of marriage, John/Joan and I decided that we wanted to go our own ways. Whatever you say, try not to be bitter. Try putting this new period in your life into perspective, think of and speak about it as a new chapter in your life that you are excited about exploring. You do not need to send out a formal divorce announcement. By word of mouth, the word will get out and you might find that your friends will come forward with their support.

Relationships: Apology Etiquette
Q Dear Didi, My good friend won't speak to me because I disinvited her to go to a lady's golf tournament with me. The truth is last year when I took her she was smashed the whole four days and embarrassed me in front of my friends. She would start drinking in the morning and during dinner she would throw a tantrum because she wanted me to take her home so she could pass out. I'm not the only one who has had it with her. A mutual friend wrote her a letter telling her that she wouldn't be her friend any longer if she didn't go to rehab. So it's not just me who sees this. Plus, her golf isn't very good when she's smashed.

My question has to do with how to be nice and honest at the same time. I thought I apologized, but apparently it wasn't good enough because she still isn't speaking to me three months later. I feel guilty and I think having her accept my apology will make me feel better. Can you give me any advice about how I should go about this? We live in a small town and I can't help running into her all the time. Please! Thank you in advance.

A Whether you're apologizing to this one friend or to a group of people, a good apology has the same fundamentals. First off, you need to acknowledge whatever you've done wrong, which was disinviting your friend to go on a trip. Say that you regret any embarrassment she felt. Add that you feel responsible for any embarrassment and inconvenience that came about because of her change in plans. Lastly, if you could suggest a way to fix the problem, you would be totally off the hook. Unfortunately, this would mean telling her the truth that you didn't want to spend four days with a drunk.

Here are six examples of what not to say when apologizing:

"I want to apologize." That's not an apology.

"I'm sorry if you were offended," and "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," don't work because both insinuate that she is way too sensitive.

"I've been agonizing about this for a long time," or "I've been lying awake wondering how I can make this right because I feel so bad," are self-defeating because both infer that she should be feeling sorry for you.

Furthermore, you don't want to go on the attack by saying something such as, "You're not going to hold this against me forever, are you?"

Most importantly, don't apologize in an email or letter. Pick up the phone or have a face to face conversation that focuses not on how you feel about the situation, but on how she feels about your embarrassing her.

As you said, apologizing isn't just for the aggrieved person, it's for yourself. In general, most women apologize too quickly because they want the problem just to go away. This is why you want to take responsibility for disinviting her by apologizing for the fact that it embarrassed her. Saying you're sorry that you embarrassed her keeps the door open for a relationship in the future. Make it an apology that re-established the relationship. In fact, you're not sorry you disinvited her; however, you are sorry that you embarrassed her.

Relationships: Apology Etiquette: How to Say Sorry
Q Didi:

What is the proper way to tell someone how sorry you are for bad things done in the past to a very good friend? I would like to tell this person how much she has meant to me and just how much of a positive impact she has had on my life.

She tried to show me the way, coach me. I feel I let her down in the end. I was having trouble in business and drinking too much at the time. I made some poor choices.

She has her own life now and has writen me off for dead at this point. I don't want her to feel that see needs to repond, nor do I wish to upset her. Should I just let it go?

D form NY

A Dear D from NY,

Follow your heart. Tell this person how you feel. Be true to yourself.

If there was once fire in the relationship, that fire can always be re-ignited. If this person really cares about you, she will be happy to hear from you. However, if you've been mean, it might take time to rebuild her trust. As I said, if it makes sense, follow your gut.

Over the years, very good friends settle into both good and bad patterns of behavior and if the bad patterns out number the good patterns, the relationship becomes abusive.

Apologies will grow shallow, if you continue to treat this person badly. Which means that you will have to make a commitment to yourself to treat her with more respect. If you do not think that you can be more respectful of her feelings, then don't toy with her.

The proper way to say that you are sorry is to tell her that you regret your behavior and, perhaps, add a reason such as one of the following:

1). You were afraid that you would disappoint her because you thought that her expectations were too high.

2). You are wary of being hurt should she ever reject you.

3). You were confused as to why you didn't understand the reason that you continually teased her into getting close and then pushed her away.

Whatever the answer, figure it out and give it to her straight. Just the fact that you are making the effort to reconnect means that you have genuine feelings for this person.

Relationships: Asking How Much Do You Make?
Q My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months and have probably been in a committed relationship for four months. Last night she wanted to know how much money I make. I told her it was complicated and didn't explain, I kind of blew her off because I have a salary, but I also have other income that I'm not comfortable discussing, especially since she was so blunt about it. Was she being rude? Now I am concerned that she's only after a man with lots of money?

A The big dating word these days is "disclosure." During this turbulent economy, lovers want lovers to put their cards on the table. Full disclosure is considered to be a sign of intimacy, good intentions, and honesty.

In my opinion, I wouldn't advise women or men to ask lovers what their income is unless they are seriously talking marriage and buying an apartment or house together.

On the other hand, a lot of women make huge salaries and from what I hear from readers, the dynamics between lovers can be off if the woman makes considerably more than the man. She likes making a lot of money, but she knows in her heart and mind that the man has to make the same amount or more in order for the relationship to be on a level playing field.

If this relationship is important to you, talk about full disclosure and let her tell you about her assets and income.

Relationships: Asking to Bring Boyfriend's Brother to Easter Dinner
Q Is it not proper to ask your sister who is hosting Easter dinner if my boyfriend's brother can join us since he is visiting from out of state and has no one to be with that day? She is also hosting her husband's father and mother.

A Why not telephone your sister and ask what you can contribute to Easter Dinner. Offer to bring a dessert, salad, flowers or a bottle of wine. Get a feel for how she is feeling: is she totally stressed out by the fact that she is entertaining her in-laws or does she sound as if she enjoys the idea of entertaining. Only then will you know if it might be all right to ask her if you can bring along another guest. Tell her the three of you will all pitch in and help do whatever she needs done whether it is serving the meal or doing the dishes. Then offer to bring an additional bottle of wine, if she agrees to include your boyfriend's brother.

Relationships: Au Pair: Setting Boundaries
Q Our current nanny liberally helps herself to all of our favorite luxury foods and we don't know how to politely handle the situation. Expensive nuts, handmade chocolates, cheese sticks and biscuits, olives, and artisan cheeses are her favorites. When friends drop by for drinks, I cannot find the fixing for canapes that I just bought. Without seeming stingy, how can I tell her that we want her to feel at home, but she cannot scoff down all the best treats?


A Two-tier eating systems went out with when Masterpiece Theater aired Upstairs Downstairs. Nannies and babysitters are supposed to be treated as part of the family, so it would be undignified to hide these luxury items from her. However, you can set crystal-clear boundaries by saying, as you are unpacking a shopping bag of delicacies from your favorite emporium, that you want to keep these treats on hand for guests who drop by and for special ocassions. Tell her that you get frustrated when you cannot find something that you know you just bought. Ask her to please check with you before scoffing down your favorite treats to make sure that you don't have plans for them. If she has to ask permission, it is unlikely that she will have the audacity to ask you if she can partake of these goodies. On the other hand, offer them to her after your guests have left and she's helping with the cleaning up.

Relationships: Aunts
Q To my niece's children, am I a "great aunt" or a "grand-aunt"?

A The wonderful thing about being an aunt is that an aunt is an aunt. My mother's brother's wife is my aunt and my children's aunt. In theory she is a great aunt, but we never call her that because she has such a special role in all of our lives. We all call her Aunt Betty.

Relationships: Aunts Not Wanted at Wedding
Q I don't want to invite two of my aunts to my wedding. This is due to a family problem from some years ago between them and my parents. I want my parents to enjoy themselves at my wedding and this will be impossible if these ladies show up! Do I just send other family members an invitation and not them? I just am not sure how to handle this. Please help!

A It is your wedding and you do not have to invite anybody who might make you feel uncomfortable. Many families have situations similar to yours. If you don't want the aunts to attend your wedding, don't invite them. You do not need to explain anything to your aunts. If they ask you, tell them the truth.

Relationships: Babies: Teaching Manners
Q How old should I start thinking about teaching my child about proper etiquette? she is one year old - kind of young, hah.

A Now is the perfect time. When she hands you something, you respond by saying "thank you." You teach her the difference between inside and outside voices. When she cries, you comfort her. When she makes a mess, you teach her to clean up the mess or put the things away. When you are on the phone or talking with another grown-up and she interrupts, by putting your finger to your lips she learns to be quiet when your are engaged in conversation. When you get off the phone, you thank her for being quiet while you were on the phone or talking to Mrs. So-and-So. She learns by seeing you shake your head no, that that object is Daddy's and that is Mommy's and not hers. Yes, by all means teach her manners. Your good manners will rub off on her because you are her role model. She will pick up her social skills from you.

Relationships: Baby Shower Etiquette
Q Please help me to know how to respond to a baby shower given by the expectant boy's mother.This boy and his girlfriend have not been together for long and have no intention of marrying. I am an aunt to this boy, but I feel like I just cannot go through the motions, because it would be like my putting my seal of approval on something that is really going to be a mess. I feel very sorry for this new life being born, please help.

A If this baby is part of your family and your family is supporting this unborn child by hosting a shower, then you need to show your support, too, in order to sustain a good relationship with your family. You do not have to go so far as attending the shower. You can always say that you have a prior commitment that you cannot get out of, but you do have to send a gift for the baby. Or at the very least, a card with a check for at least $25. If you don't acknowledge this child, it will be held against you. I know that you are not going to like this answer, but I am looking out for your future relations with your family. Sometimes in order to sustain family relations, we have to put our own feelings aside and go with the flow. Etiquette is all about compassion, consideration and compromise. By not going to the baby shower, but sending a gift, you would be doing the correct thing in this situation.

Relationships: Baby Shower for Out-of-State Baby
Q My daughter-in-law is expecting and my son is in the military in CA and we live in OHIO. He is also getting knee surgery real soon and she is expecting. To have her take care of him after surgery and expect her to come to OHIO for a shower is not going to be possible so I would like to know if as the mother-in- law it would be okay to have a shower without her. She has said that would be great but I just don't know the etiquette concerning this issue and how it is to be done. Thanks in advance

A In my opinion, you would not have a shower without the honoree. In situations such as this, you could offer to have a birth announcement printed up when the baby is born so that you can send them out for your daughter-in-law to your friends in Ohio, along with a photo of your new grandchild. Let the mother pick out the birth announcement ahead of time; perhaps you could find a couple of choices over the Internet and let her decide which one she would like. Be sure to order enough so that she can send the birth announcement to her friends, too. Upon receiving the birth announcement, your friends in Ohio will respond in their own way. Some will ask you what your son and his wife need for their new baby and others might send a check. So, you will want to get a list of things that the baby needs or the name of the baby gift registry where they are registered. Remember to have your son's return address printed on the back flap of the envelope so that people will know where to sent gifts and cards. Your daughter-in-law can then let you know which of your friends sent what and you can thank your friends, too. You might even send your daughter-in-law social stationery or thank-you notes so that she can thank your friends for responding to the birth announcement. You can order elegant social stationery for her through www.reavesengraving.com.

Relationships: Baptism Gift
Q What type of gift do you give for a baptism?

A It would depend upon your relationship to the baby and how much you can afford. For instance, if you are a godparent, you might give a silver baby cup or picture frame from Tiffany's engraved with the baby's name and birth date, or a savings bond. One of my daughter's godfathers, who is a famous artist, Darby Bannard, gave her one of his beautiful paintings. My father and the other godfather gave their godson the foundation for a wine cellar. If you are an honored guest, you might give a gold baby bracelet or silver teething ring from Tiffany & Company. Our family recently gave a baby children's book to start his personal library.

Relationships: Baptisms Party
Q My son and daughter are 15 months apart and my husband and I decided to have them baptised together. I was wondering about the party etiquette, ie...whom I invite whom I don't invite, should it be small and simple, close family or all family and friends?? PLEASE HELP!


A What a lovely idea. You might host a buffet luncheon and invite all those close family members and friends who attend the baptisms for a light lunch. Remember they might have small children in tow so, you would want to make it quick and simple because small children become over-stimulated after a cup of juice or piece of cake. Be sure to have child-friendly healthy snack food for the kids and perhaps a video going in the family room for those who want to relax. Two hours max would be appropriate. You would invite the godparents and their families, your close family and, say, the children's guardians. You might invite the minister and his wife, but if it is a Sunday, they might not be able to attend.

Relationships: Being a Good Listener
Q I am in my second marriage of 3 years. My husband believes that when I say something to him, not moving a muscle and not even grunting is appropriate and that I should believe that he is listening to me. On the other hand, I believe that he is totally rude and even disrespectful. I would never totally ignore someone, especially him, IF I heard him. I have pondered this question for some time and it is beginning to effect my marriage. Is it possible that I was raised (and taught my children) that courtesy dictates that one react in some sort of way, even just a grunt?

A I understand your dilemma; however, it sounds as if you and your husband had different styles of role models for marriage. A husband learns at some point in time that he needs always to acknowledge and respond to what his wife is saying. Your husband might be listening but he might not have had a role model as a father who taught him how to respond. As you know, it is difficult to teach an old dog new tricks.

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Tell him that you feel he is not listening to you when you are talking to him. Ask him if his father had selective hearing when it came to listening to what his mother was saying. Tell him that you need him to try to change his way of listening. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise. He needs to meet you half way and you need to find out from him how to make him feel comfortable about communicating with you. For example, sometimes when husbands sense anxiety in a woman through her tone of voice or the modulation in her voice, they tune out. It might stem from childhood. His mother might have used a tone of voice or modulated her voice in a way that signaled to the young boy that mummy was unhappy, stressed out, frustrated, and anxious. Being a small child, the boy felt helpless because mummy was unhappy and he was unable to help. So: patterns run deep; to change this pattern, you might try changing your tone of voice in order to engage his interest.

Years ago a dear friend suggested I think about the tone of my voice and it made me realize that I needed to guage the tone of my voice when I wanted to get a point across. So, now when I want to get a serious point across, I lower my voice in a Jackie Kennedy kind of whisper and it works; they listen. It is the opposite of shouting. I am not saying that this is your particular problem, because I don't know you, but there might be a way you could get your husband's attention. Try taping your voice by making up a conversation with your husband and playing it back; try truly to listen to the tone of your voice. If you feel your voice sounds, say, anxious, then think about how you might respond if someone talked to you in that tone. Perhaps when you have something really important to say, you lower your voice, then your husband might get into the habit of listening to another tone of voice.

I understand that this is a difficult problem but in order to sustain a healthy relationship, you both will have to be more considerate, compassionate, and compromising, if you want to communicate better with one another.

Relationships: Being a Houseguest
Q What are the rules of etiquette for invited houseguests when this is your family?

A Etiquette is all about being respectful to others. Whether houseguests are family or not, it would be considerate for houseguests to remember the following: communicate to your host the exact time of your arrival and departure; be a self-sustaining guest who does not need to be entertained 24/7 and go out and do activities on your own; offer to help with the dishes and pitch in with the chores; offer to pay for a meal or two, depending upon how long you are visitng, either by purchasing groceries and cooking a meal or inviting your host out to dinner; before leaving be sure to take the sheets and pillow cases off your bed and fold them and your towels leaving them at the foot of your bed, unless you are instructed otherwise; remember to call your host when you get home to thank them again for a wonderful visit.

Relationships: Being Ignored
Q I attended an open house art event at the suggestion of a male friend. When I arrived I saw him and approached him to say hi. He was talking with a couple of other people and I didn't want to barge into the conversation, but I did want to greet him. He looked surprised and barely mumbled an introduction to one of the people in the group (not the woman he was talking to). It was awkward at best that he didn't introduce me to other person. I was there for another hour and he didn't speak to me or any of the people he invited besides the woman he didn't introduce me to. I politely made conversation with the one person I was introduced to and the other people in the group. Am I being oversensitive to think that his behavior was rude and inconsiderate not to speak to me or introduce me? When I brought it up with him the next day, his response was that none of the other people felt the way I did about his behavior. And since he didn't invite me to go with him (he had just told me the event was happening) that I had the wrong expectations for how he should treat me. Should I change my perception of the whole evening? Going forward, what is the proper etiquette? We work out at the same gym and haven't resolved this issue between us. I'm training for an event and need to go to the gym, but I know he's going to be there. I guess that's two etiquette questions! Thank you.

A In my opinion, you ignore bad behavior. He knows how you feel about the subject. He knows that you think that he slighted you by not paying attention to you, but continuing the dialogue is not going to improve your relationship. Chances are you are not going to resolve the issue, and bringing it up again will only widen the gap between the two of you. Guys hate to talk about that kind of stuff and usually tune out. The only way to bring up the subject again would be in a humorous fashion. In other words turn the incident into a joke by, say, mocking his behavior: when he walks by you and you are talking with someone that he doesn't know, you could go out of your way to introduce him.

Relationships: Being Late
Q What about being late? Is that no longer rude? I did not see it in the list of don'ts.

A Very good catch. How late one can show up depends upon the occasion. For instance, the average cocktail party runs about two hours. Unless you are the guest of honor, you would not stay the entire two hours. If the invitation says six to eight o'clock, you might arrive at 6:30 and leave at 7:45. Hosts usually don't want everyone arriving and leaving at once. If, however, you are invited for dinner at a restaurant, you would need to be on time because the other guests wouldn't be fed until you arrived so you would annoy all the other guests, plus your host. Likewise, if you are attending a private dinner. Many dinner dance invitation will state on the invitation that cocktails are from seven to eight o'clock and dinner is at eight, which is helpful in timing your arrival if you are, say, coming from a cocktail party to the dinner dance. When meeting one friend for dinner, lunch, drinks, or a cup of coffee, it is extremely rude to keep the friend waiting more than five minutes. Being late signals to the friend that you are dysfunctional, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, and not a good friend. You know what they say, friends don't keep friends waiting.

Relationships: Body Language
Q How to gauge body language?

A Volumes have been written on the subject. It is more about getting in synch with the other person's mind than with his or her body language. You can watch someone's body language for signs that they are unhappy, distracted, lying, happy, and interested in you and respond accordingly, but body language can be deceiving, say, if the person is having an off day. For instance, if you can't make, say, eye contact, it does not necessarily mean that the person is not interested in you, perhaps he or she is just not interested at that moment, but it doesn't mean that he or she can't be interested. In the first moment of an encounter with someone we make our initial judgment pro or con because it only takes one 20th of a second to register. It is all about your 1) social awareness, how you feel with others while sensing their nonverbal emotional signals; 2) your ability to tune into listening to someone; 3) and knowing how the social world works. Perhaps you don't want to get too caught up in the body language thing because it can be misleading if the person is, say, tired, or upset about something that has nothing to do with you. Why not focus on being able to sense how another person feels? Having social facility builds on social awareness which allows for a smooth social interaction. In order to synchronize with another person, you have to interact smoothly at a nonverbal level. It is more about being an effective listener. Don't just listen, give your total attention. Make an effort to understand the other person rather than just trying to make your own point. Deep listening means intentionally paying more attention. You'll know when you're really connecting because you will respond to how the other person feels by what he or she says, does and feels.

Relationships: Body Odor Discussion
Q How do I tell my new boss about her body odor?

A As you know, criticism destroys a relationship. So: you will have to be extremely careful how you go about telling your boss that she stinks. There are many reasons for body odor. Often the fault can be that of the dry cleaner, or lack of taking advantage of a good dry cleaner. How you approach the subject would depend upon your gender, age, and the depth of your relationship. If the woman has a good sense of humor, you could good make a string of dry cleaning jokes and body odor jokes over a period of time. For Christmas or her birthday, you could all give her an assortment of scented bath products in a basket or decorative shopping bag, which might include an expensive deodorant such as one from Clarins. The worse scenario would be that your boss has a medical problem that is not being addressed. Look for a website that is specifically designed to send anonymous emails and send her a crystal-clear message such as this one:

Because we respect you and want to see you succeed, we are sending you this message anonymously. You either need to find a better dry cleaner or make an appointment with your doctor to find out the cause of your noxious body odor.

Relationships: Bossy In-Laws
Q How do you handle monster in-laws? No matter what I do it is never right. Coming from people that I have no respect for drives me crazy; my husband even thinks they are crazy. He just asks me to put up with them to appease them. The latest issue with them is the fact that my husband and I do not want to go in on a baby shower for another couple. There are many reasons that my husband and I have for not wanting to go in on the shower. In the past I have gone in on a shower with my sister-in-law and was not happy with the way my sister-in-law has done it. She has never done anything the way she say's she is going to do it. But also as far as the couple goes that they are wanting to through the shower for, my husband and I are not close to. My husband and I got married and have had three children in the course of seven years and have never received a single baby gift or wedding gift from this couple. I always send a gift to a wedding or shower or even a new birth and I had planned to give a nice gift for the baby shower. My husband's family is all upset because we said no to the shower. We have told them 'no' more than one time. Is it rude to decline to do the shower and is it any of their buisness to know why we do not want to go through with the shower?

A It sounds as if you need to set boundaries with your in- laws. You are under no obligation to tell them why you do not want to co-host the baby shower with them. You might say that you both are terribly busy and do not have the time. Just say no in a polite manner. If they ask why you are too busy, list all the things you do in your day for your family. Be consistent, keep to the excuse that you are too busy and they should get the hint and stop asking favors of you. This sounds simple, but often simplifying the issue is the quickest and easiest way to solve a problem.

Relationships: Boundaries
Q I was introduced to a neighbor through a long time friend that is now more foe than friend; my neighbor has moved several blocks away, and is still in contact with my old friend. She keeps calling and stopping by unannounced and I think she means well, but I am thouroughly annoyed. Today I found out she e-mailed my boss; it was friendly but it would have been nice to know she was doing so before hand. How do I tell her to stop calling so much, and only come by when invited, and that my friends and bosses are not her friends without hurting her feelings and possibly making matters worse?

A In all relationships we have to set boundaries of behavior and distance. Next time she drops by, give her the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. Tell her that you are busy and that you are sorry but if you had known that she was dropping by, you would have had time for her. If you let her chat you up, you have let her cross the very boundary that you are trying to set up. Say, "I'm on the run," "I'm on another call," "I am terribly busy." After a while she will learn to respect your boundaries, but only if you are politely consistent about keeping them.

Relationships: Boundaries for Relative Houseguests
Q My wife and I live in Greensborro, NC with our three girls. Most of our family is on the West Coast and they seem to have a habit of telling us when they are coming instead of asking. The problem is that I work from home and the relatives always stay with us and never rent their own car which puts my wife and I in the position to keep these people fed and entertained for the entire visit. Can this be right? Thanks in advance.


A As soon as possible, you and your wife need to communicate with your family and set boundaries for their visits. You need to tell them that because you and your wife both work full-time and are raising three children with very busy lives, they will have to let you know exactly when they are arriving and leaving as you will need to find them an inexpensive car for them to rent during their visit. Then you can tell them that you and your wife would be happy to provide them with breakfast and an occasional dinner, but they will have to understand that you are all very busy and they will have to fend for themselves. You can mention that certain dates would work better for you and your wife to have them come and visit and make a few suggestions. Remember: if you stick to your boundaries, they will respect them.

Relationships: Bowing Out Gracefully From a Plan
Q How do you back out of a plan that you had already planned with someone? I just don't feel like doing it anymore. How do I go back on these plans?

A A common dilemma: we all get caught in a situation such as this at one time or another. The first thing you have to remember is that someone else has probably thought the same about a plan with you. So: it is a common complaint. Whatever you do, don't lie. How you bow out gracefully depends how well you know the person. If it is a matter of finances, for instance, say that you just don't want to spend your hard-earned money right now on going to Las Vegas for the weekend. You might say, "I just don't think I can budget the trip in just now." That way you are being pragmatic; in saying "just now," means that they should not take it personally.

When we were very young we used the excuse that our parents wouldn't allow us to follow through with the plan (which is probably true); when we have small children, we say we can't come for dinner because little Georgie is sick and we don't like leaving him with a sitter. However, when we are foot- loose and fancy free, it is harder to make an excuse sound as if it is the truth. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise. So: say that you are sorry, you know you said you would do such-and-such, but something has come up which demands your focus. Then cushion the blow with a compromise: you will see him soon for brunch, or to play tennis, or to take a walk. Personally, I think it is far worse to have to struggle through being with someone you really don't want to be with than to be honest. If you say, "I just can't spare the time right now," or, "I just don't have the money right now," people know that you are backing off for a simple reason and that you are not making up some lie about how your grandmother is sick and you have to go and see her. At that point in time when you made the plan, it sounded intriguing and you wanted to do it. Then when it came time to do it, you just weren't into it. It happens to all of us. In the future, when someone asks you if you want to do something, even if you think you really want to do it, say, "I'll get back to you." I know, it is hard to understand how we can be so intensely in the moment and then suddenly lose interest in the plan, but that's the way we are. It would be worse to go through with the plan and be miserable. I know that I would rather have a friend excuse himself from a plan than feel he was not a hundred percent into the plan. Actually, you are doing the person a favor. The problem is how to bow out gracefully.

Make it short and sweet. "As it turns out, I really cannot do this; however, let's get together early next month and do something." Apologize, thank the person for thinking of you (or including you); however, the less said the better.

Relationships: Boy Gives Girl Promise Ring + Wants It Back
Q If your son gives a promise ring to his girlfriend and later they break up, should the girlfriend keep the ring or return it?

A It depends upon the situation. If your son broke up with the girlfriend, then she is entitled to keep the promise ring. If the girlfriend broke up with your son, then she should give him back the promise ring. If she has broken up with him, she probably will not want to keep it anyway. Unless it was of great value, why would he want it back?

Relationships: Boy Wants Girl to Like Him
Q How do you get a girl to like you?

A To win the respect and affection of a girl you need to show her respect her and listen to what she says.

Relationships: Boyfriend's Female Friend Sleeps Over
Q My boyfriend will have a house guest (female friend) staying with him on a semi-regular basis while she goes through job training in town. She will be staying over once a week on Sundays. I feel odd staying over on those nights; it seems inappropriate to me. My boyfriend is trying to convince me that it isn't an issue, but my gut is telling me that there is some etiquette for such a situation. Help!

A Might you not invite the boyfriend to spend the night at your house the night the female friend stays at his house, if the idea makes you so uncomfortable? Alternatively, if this woman is such a good friend, why not befriend her because she is part of your boyfriend's circle of friends. In order to go to the next level in a relationship, you might want to cultivate friendships with your boyfriend's friends. How better to get to know her than over a late night movie or cup of coffee in the morning.

Relationships: Breast Etiquette: Oogling
Q Women give me mixed messages about looking at their breasts. They wear sweaters and shirts that show cleavage or t-shirts so tight you can spot their nipples. Sometimes it is hard to take my eyes off my date's breasts, and yet if I focus on them too much, I make her self-conscious. They want us to look or they wouldn't expose them. Didi, what is a healthy guy to do?

A It is dehumanizing to single out any one part of a woman's body to admire, so try to admire all of her. Staring at her breasts means you're complimenting a specific feature. Try to compliment her general good looks by saying something such as, "You look terrific." If she knows that you're attracted to her overall beauty, she'll be much less insecure about her looks and perhaps she'll stop trying to grab your attention by flaunting her breasts. Down boy!

Relationships: Bridging Generations
Q I married for the second time in October 2006 to someone I have known for almost 30 years so the families have known each other a long time. I now have two stepchildren ages 16 and 18. We recently had a graduation party for the eldest child and everyone brought a card/gift except my parents (how embarrassing); also they do not acknowledge the boys on their birthdays which I kind of accepted before we were married but now I feel this to be unacceptable and insensitive behavior but don't want to cause a scene. What is the proper etiquette with the stepgrandchildren? Thanks.

A You're dealing with trying to get two generations that are oceans apart to connect and actually communicate so that both can feel the added bonus of having an extended family. That is a difficult task. Perhaps renting a house on a lake somewhere far from civilization so that all three generations are forced to communicate might be the only solution. Otherwise you cannot force the two generations on each other or they will balk. The problem is this: both generations have to want to make the effort. You can try talking to them separately and ask them to give the other a chance, but I cannot assure you that will work because it doesn't always work in related families. In my opinion, you need to voice your feelings and persevere until a connection is made. Tell them how much it means to you. Perhaps you could suggest to the grandparents that they take the young people on an outing, say, to fish or play golf. Also, try to find a common interest whether it be a sport or one of the arts, and try to forge that connection.

Relationships: Brother Asks Inappropriate Questions
Q Question - been divorced to a woman who cheated on me and am remarried now-have custody of my children - since being remarried my ex has been nothing but a big pain in the butt and caused a lot of problems in our life and my family knows it - anyway question is that my brother will ask my children questions about my ex when he knows how we feel about her like she is still a part of the family - no one really cares how she is doing or how her life is - he has done this at family gatherings and when just hanging out at another's house just visiting-at a family wedding he sat at our table and started asking my kids questions again about their mother and it upset my wife so much that we up and left the reception -- is this right of him - while visiting one of our brothers home he started asking questions again and I came so close to giving him a phone book and telling him that he wanted to know about her and what she is doing call her - I stewed on it for awhile and emailed him about his behavior he answered me back saying he felt he did no wrong and that I more or less needed to get over it - and that there will be times that people will ask my children questions about my ex in front of me - and while that is true I would expect that from people who don't know the whole story but not from my own brother -- am I wrong?

A No, you are not wrong. It is rude of your brother to needle you with questions about your former wife. It sounds as though he doesn't think before he speaks, which could be a sign of early dementia.

Why not ask him if he behaves this way with others: asking inappropriate questions at awkward times? Alerting him to your concern will at least make him think about the awkwardness he creates when he asks questions about your former wife. He may well be asking equally annoying questions and making clueless comments to others. Make him aware of his problem. Get him to think about why he does this. Gently suggest that he gets help to find the root of his problem.

When you have this conversation with your brother, try to have it in person and not through email. Preferably in person over breakfast or just coffee, and not over the phone because you will want to watch his body language for signs that he is listening and understanding what you are saying. You want him to know that you aren't criticizing him, and that you are genuinely concerned about him.

With your children, use your brother as an example of how not to behave. You can explain that there is something a little off about people who make others feel uncomfortable by asking awkward questions. Explain that when your brother doesn't think before he speaks he ends up saying things that he's thinking, but shouldn't be saying because it is unnecessary. Let them feel your compassion for their socially clueless uncle and that will teach them to be compassionate too.

Relationships: Brother's Ex-Wife
Q Is it proper to introduce my brother's ex-wife as my sister-in-law?

A No, because your brother's ex-wife is your ex-sister-in law.

Relationships: Business Etiquette
Q I work in an office area where there is an open reception area and smaller offices off the main room.

When I enter the reception area, I speak to the person at the desk but I don't always address others that are in their office working.

When someone enters the main office, is it more appropriate to let others work or to go to their door and speak to them?

A You are correct in addressing the receptionist so that she knows that if anyone asks for you that you are in the office. You would not necessarily have to speak to the other people everyday when you arrive; however, if you have been away on business or on vacation, or have been ill, upon your return to work you would address all those you come in contact with on a regular basis. People you see everyday you can just smile at or say hi.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Overzealous Holiday Decorator
Q A co-worker at work likes to decorate for the Holidays. I find the decorations to be excessive and "over the top". I have mentioned before that I feel it is too much. She has continued to decorate in the same manner. What should I do now?

A The best way to approach this over-the-top decorator is to make a compromise. Encourage her to be as creative as she likes, but politely ask her to limit the time that the decorations are up. Just say, "Listen, knock yourself out, go crazy and decorate as much as you want. Get it out of your system, but do us all a huge favor and set a narrow time frame for when your decorations go up and when they come down. Two weeks is about all most of us can handle, then it starts getting a tad old. Do you know what I mean?" Throw a question back at her to make her think about the fact that maybe not everyone wants to look at her decorations for a month. Try not to make it a personal assault, but more of a "OK, but ...." situation of setting limitations. If she fusses about wanting more time, say that proper etiquette dictates that she makes a compromise and the consensus is that she can have her decorations, but they can only be up for two weeks. Then she'll have to decide what to do. Should she tone down the decorations in the hope that they can stay up longer? Or should she go all out and abide by the two week time frame? Let her negotiate. You might even be able to get her to tone down the decorations to a point where you don't mind them so much.

If she becomes difficult, tell her that good etiquette is about consideration, compassion, and compromise. If you're willing to be compassionate and she's willing to be considerate, then you should be able to come to a reasonable resolution. As you know, working in an office you are all part of a team. That team has to work together even on deciding Holiday decorations.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Presents from the Smoker
Q We have an ex co-worker that brings in cakes that she has decorated for our birthdays, etc. The cakes are beautifully decorated but the smell will almost knock you down. She is a heavy smoker and the cake and the box reek of smoke. We have been thanking her for the cakes and then we toss them. What is the proper way to handle this? We do not want to hurt her feelings but also we do not want her to continue making these cakes just to be tossed by us.
Thanks for your help

A Two weeks before the next colleague's birthday, e-mail or telephone the ex-colleague to say that Alice Brown has asked that we not celebrate her birthday with any kind of food because she is on a strict diet. Since you would hate to have any food go to waste and she certainly doesn't want to be tempted, you all have decided to honor her wishes.

Then two weeks before the next co-worker's birthday, call up and say exactly the same thing. By then you'll have gotten a reaction from the smoking baker. She might ask to bring something else. In that case say, "No food, but you know how much we all get a kick out of greeting cards so, why don't you send her a funny card. She'll love that." Then if the smoking baker sends a funny card, e-mail or call her up to tell her how much you all got a kick out of the card. Then you can give her the heads up about the next birthday by saying how much Sally loved the cards that she sent to Alice and Beth. Suggest that since Sally is cutting down on her sugar intake that a card might be the best way for her to remember Sally's birthday.

My only fear is that the smoking baker will miss the camaraderie of celebrating her ex-colleagues' birthdays. In that case, you might have to meet for a beer after work, but at least she won't be able to smoke.

As you obviously know, the problem with white lies is that they are never completely satisfying. I am not saying that you should lie to the smoking baker, I am merely trying to give you ideas that you can expand upon. In a perfect world, you should be able to tell her the truth: that she stinks of tobacco and smoke and everything she touches stinks of tobacco and smoke.

This might not be the answer that you were looking for, but since I don't know how fragile the smoking baker is and how strong her ties to her ex-colleagues are, it is my best solution. Often it is difficult to be nice as well as honest.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Stinky Foods
Q I am from Louisiana and it is a common practice to cook large meals and offer portions of those meals to co-workers. I now live in Michigan and feel offended when people just throw it away, pretend to have eaten it or worse yet just leave it in the work refrigerator to rot. Am I being presumtious by offering? Are they being rude for declining in a not so forward manner? I'd rather they just say no.

A There is a huge difference between offering people cooked food that has to be reheated, and baked goods. The big problem with reheating cooked food in the workplace is that reheating cooked foods in, say, a microwave creates an unfamiliar odor in the air, which might be annoyingly cloying to many. Commonly referred to as "stinky food," your uncommon dishes might not resonate well with Northerners. Why not use your creative talents to bake a couple batches of cookies, which are universally popular.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Turning Down Hosting a Party
Q How do I politely reply that I do not want to give a party for support of a business that this person is employed by?

A Be honest and say something such as this: I am terribly sorry, but to tell the truth I do not feel that I can wholeheartedly get behind such-and-such (or, host a party), at this point in time. I am just not the right person to host the party. I am confident that you will find someone to host your party who will be able to focus totally on hosting a successful event. I know you would want me to be truthful. If I cannot give you my best effort, I think you need to find someone who can.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Launches
Q Do I have to provide food for a small company launching get-together? The gathering is at 7:00 p.m. I would rather provide info about my company and do a toast.

A At 7: PM, if you are toasting, you would want to at least have a platter of cheese and crackers so that people can coat their stomachs after a long hard day at work before drinking.

Relationships: Business Trips with a Philandering Boss
Q I'm a consultant who travels a lot with my boss. He uses prostitutes often and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be around him or it when it's happening and he throws it in my face. Last week he made me lie to his wife for him about where he was while we were on this trip. I did it but now feel guilty for helping him lie. How can I deal with this?

A You do have a dicey dilemma. Next trip, tell him that you are sorry but you are not a good liar and that you will not lie for him about his whereabouts to his wife ever again. Just say, "Don't ask me to lie for you because you know that I won't next time." You need to set up acceptable boundaries of behavior. It sounds on the one hand as if he is showing off to you by flaunting his bad behavior in your face, and, yet, on the other hand he is relying on you to enable him in cheating on his wife. I understand that it will take a lot of courage to stand up for yourself, but you need to set boundaries of behavior for yourself as well as for him. Tell him that you don't want to discuss it, if he brings up his philanderings again. And every time there after, if the subject comes up, just say, "I don't want to talk about it." That way you are telling him that you are disgusted with his philandering, but you are not directly criticizing him. As you well know, any criticism destroys relationships.

Relationships: Business: Allergic to Too Many Scents
Q How do you get co-workers to understand that scents more than bother me. They irritate my allergies and sometimes cause a mild asthmatic incident. At the least they cause nose running, sneezing, coughing and headaches. I am tired of having to use my inhaler and nose spray at work because everyone has scents in their lotions and such that they are constantly putting on during the day.

A You might try to get a handle on your allergies. Some women and men naturally give off, what many consider to be, a foul odor as they age. As testosterone and estrogen levels decrease, often the natural scent of the man or woman becomes stronger, which is why so many men and women feel they have to cover or disguise that scent in public. Also, people who smoke will try to cover-up the scent of tobacco on their clothing and in their hair with fragrance. Unless you talked to the head of the human resources department at your company to get them to send around a memo, short of putting up a notice in the lady's room, you have a problem until you get your allergies under control. Stores such as the Sharper Image sell air purifiers you could plug in beside your desk at work, which might give you some relief.

Relationships: Business: Bathroom Etiquette
Q I can't seem to get certain co-workers to wash their hands after using the restroom. We work in a small office and handle paper, same equiptmet, etc., amongst each other. There's a large sign in the restroom that says: "Stop. Did you wash your hands?"; however, it must blend in well with our door! Please help!

A Unfortunately, the only thing you can do short of humiliating your co-workers is to make light of it. Say, something such as, "What's up with not washing your hands?" Or "Hey man, what's up with not washing hands?" There is one other thing, talk to someone in the human resources department and tell them it is a problem in your department and ask them to deal with the issue. Alternatively, make your own sign and post it near the exit door in the washroom. There is an anonymous Web site that allows people to send messages anonymously which is a last ditch alternative.

Relationships: Business: Business Executive Personal Stationery
Q What type of corporate stationery is appropriate to use to send a personal note from a business executive to a business executive?

A A business executive writes a personal note to another business executive on a sheet of monarch paper, which is slightly smaller, 7 1/4 by 10 1/2 inch sheets, than business stationery. Monarch sheets are used for personal notes and have the name and address printed on them, but not the business logo, with matching envelopes. For a shorter personal message, the business executive might use a correspondence card, 4 1/4 by 6 1/2 inch card, that is thicker than the monarch and also has matching envelopes.

Relationships: Business: Busybody Co-workers
Q How do you handle an office busybody? She will even walk over to your desk and start reading your private emails.

A When she invades your space, tell her that you need your space. If you don't want her friendship, don't make eye contact, avert your eyes when you see her. If she walks over to your desk and starts reading your private emails, turn and say, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" Make her think about her behavior without criticizing her outright. Set silent boundaries and keep them. Don't give her mixed messages by being chitty chatty with her one day and averting your eyes the next. You have to be consistent because if you give her an inch, it sounds like she'll take a yard.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Code
Q I would like to know if you have a little something for cubical etiquette, work in an office, and at one time there was this what to do and not to do? Can you help?

A Cubicle office space is not private office space. Here are the Don'ts and the Dos:

Don't burp, slurp, flatulate, or crack chewing gum.
Don't make annoying noises that might interfere with your neighbors concentration, for instance tapping the metal on your desk.
Don't carry on lengthy conversations with a co-worker.
Don't talk louder than you need to. Most men talk louder on the phone then they do in person.
Don't take off your shoes or socks.
Don't use office hours for personal phone calls.
Don't tend to toe nails, finger nails, nose hair, eyebrows.
Don't pop in and out, over and around cubicle boundaries to chitchat with your neighbor.
Don't let your cellphone ring at work.
Don't bring cooked and/or smelly food to eat at your desk.
Don't spray cologne or perfume while at your desk.
Don't forget to tidy your desk and work area before leaving at the end of the day.
Don't listen to iPods or have music on during office hours.
Don't have clothing or toiletries on view.
Don't leave your drips on the toilet seat.

Do keep personal phone calls to a minimum.
Do throw away coffee cups and wrappers when through eating.
Do all personal hygiene at home or in the restroom.
Do turn down the ringer on your cellphone.
Do eat smelly food in the lunch room.
Do keep visits to other cubicles short and to a minimum.
Do respect the limited privacy of your neighbors.
Do not let your phone ring, if you are sitting at your desk.
Do keep memorabilia and photos to a minimum.
Do tidy up your cubicle before going to lunch and leaving for the day.
Do keep your shoes on.
Do tidy up after yourself in the washroom.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Etiquette
Q A girl I work with is across a high cubicle from me and she keeps belching really loudly, what should I do? It's making me sick.

A Go up the ladder to get her to understand it from your side of the cubicle. The next time she belches go around and into her cubicle and say something such as this, "Are you all right? I am concerned because you belch so much and so loudly. Is there anything you do or take to help you stop belching so much?" Then you might say, "Have you seen a doctor about your problem because it sounds as if it is getting worse." Don't criticize her or humiliate her in front of another co-worker, but if you do point out that the problem is a real concern to you, you will at least get her thinking about the problem, which is a start. If she says she doesn't know what to do about it, tell her that drinking soda and chewing gum often make people belch.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Etiquette: Chitty-Chatty Neighbor
Q My co-worker, whom I share a cube wall with, talks to me constantly. She asks questions, makes silly comments about needing to get her shoes resoled or her pants tailored, or how hungry she happens to be. She must think I listen to her on the phone because she rants and raves about a someone once she hangs up as though I know what transpired. I find it insulting. I have a lot of serious work to do and it's hard for me to tell her to be quiet. Now, I just ignore her but it doesn't always work. What should I do?

A Yours is a common complaint, a common dilemma. I understand your frustration and how annoying it is to have a chatty neighbor. There are three ways you can deal with this: you can have lunch with her and have a heart-to-heart chat about how you need to focus on your work and would she please keep her voice down; you can talk to a buddy you have in common and tell her or him your dilemma and ask them for advice; you can talk to someone in the human resources department about the situation and ask if you can change cubicles the next time one becomes vacant. If the human relations facilitator questions you, tell her that you are just not a chitchat person and that you find her chatting annoying and distracting. Whatever you do, don't humiliate your co-worker by talking about this with other co-workers, except with the ones just mentioned. The sooner you clarify your cubicle boundaries, the better.

Relationships: Business: Don't Gossip About Boss
Q A boss, (male) and his subordinate(woman) both married become friends. Is it proper for him to kiss her on the lips for a greeting at party's or other events? My wife and I disagree with what is proper.

A You are not going to like my answer. Quite frankly, I don't think that what your boss and his subordinate do is any of your business. Do not gossip about your boss because it will come back to haunt you.

Relationships: Business: Eye Contact in Interviews
Q I have a question that has arisen during my business school interviews: how much eye contact should I make? I'm wondering where the line is between sufficient eye contact and too much eye contact that would make the interviewer nervous. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A When in doubt while making eye contact focus on the person's nose. That way you won't be staring into their pupils. From time to time you can move your gaze back and forth focusing on one eye, then the other, and then the nose. You're right, the dead on eye-to-eye contact is hard to hold for an extended period of time because it is too intense. This way you would still be making eye contact but it won't feel as self-conscious. Trust me, your interviewer will have no idea that you're really gazing at the tip of his nose but he will be relieved that you are not glaring at him. Good luck with your interviews.

Relationships: Business: Food + Drink in the Work Place
Q Can you have any type of food or drinks around your work area?

A This is a question that would be best answered by the human resources department where you work. They set the code for office behavior. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. The office code regarding food and drinks around the work area would probably allow for food that does not exude an odor---often referred to as "stinky food." So, having coffee or bottled water and a sliced turkey breast sandwich at your desk might not bother anybody; however, if you were to bring in a tuna fish salad sandwich, a banana, or a container of last night's dinner that you heat up in the office microwave, your co-workers might find those smells permeating their cubicles to be annoying and cloying. Cold cuts and salads should be fine, but anything that needs to be warmed might send off an odor that not all of your co-workers will savor. So, be considerate.

Relationships: Business: Giving Notice
Q What is the proper etiquette in leaving a job that you enjoy that does not require a notice?

A Be considerate to your employer and give her/him as much notice as you can before leaving. You might suggest to your favorite coworkers that you all go out for coffee, lunch, or a drink after work on your last day Dutch Treat, and offer to pay for a round, or to pick up the tip.

Relationships: Business: Gum Chewing
Q There are 2 co-workers who chew/snap gum all day in the office. Please give me your view on this. It's very annoying and creates headaches for others. Thank you.

A Talk to the head of the Human Resources department where you work and ask him to send around a memo or email stating that gum chewing is inappropriate in the office place. If he can take on a couple of other issues, for instance, a dress code issue, people might take it more seriously.

Relationships: Business: He Crossed the Boss
Q After 26 yrs of working for an international company, I have made a serious business mistake. I sent a note to a senior executive which I shouldn't have. I was attempting to find out more information on a topic but did not understand the reporting structure which others assumed I did. I'm accepting full responsibility for my mistake but want to assure my VP that I accept the responsibility and I am sorry. We have talked but I would like to follow our conversation with a written apology. What is appropriate? Thank you

A This is serious business and you need to make an appointment immediately to meet with your VP in his office. Look him in the eye and tell him that it was naive (don't use the word stupid) of you to do what you did and you have learned a valuable lesson from the experience. Be humble and speak with an authentic voice. Ask him for advice as to how you can solve the problem and then thank him for his time. Do not stay longer than you have to because this situation has probably taken up too much of his time already. In the meantime, do not chat about the situation with other employees because you don't want it discussed at the water cooler. Remember to watch your body language when talking to the VP. You need to sit tall, no slouching, keep your hands relaxed and don't tap or fidget. Do not cross your arms, keep them open. Best of luck.

Relationships: Business: Hot for Co-worker
Q I am totally attracted to a woman co-worker and don't know what to do. Our conversations have always been on a professional level and I don't know if she's interested in me. Other women co-workers pay attention to me and we go out after work in a group for drinks and casual dinners, but she's the one who turns me on to the point of distraction, if you know what I mean. I don't what to be rejected if I make a move on her, so how can I find out if she would be up to exploring the possibility of going out with me?

A Choose one of the women you go out with after work, preferably the one who thinks you are awesome, to act as unwitting emissary. Say something like, "Just between you and me, I need to explore the possibility that one of our co-workers might be interested in me." Tell her you're not even sure if you really like her in that way but she turns you on to the extent that it gets embarrassing being around her in the office, so you need to find out one way or the other. That will cover you if it turns out she isn't interested in you. Then just wait; by word of mouth such titillating gossip will get around quickly and the woman you are interested in will either become friendlier or more distant.

Relationships: Business: Hungover Co-worker
Q I work in a small office of 5 for a large corporation. It drives me crazy when my co-worker enters the office every morning (she sits right next to me) and goes about her business without saying good morning or hello. She will say good morning only after someone says it to her first. I consider this very rude. I know she is not a "morning person" but she projects an I'm better than you attitude. Who should be the first to say hello or good morning when entering an office for the first time?

A You are absolutely right, the person entering the room announces they are present by offering a salutation. You have two choices here: you can go up the ladder and always say hello to her and ask her how she is first (because she is not a morning person) or you can just mark off her grumpiness as perhaps being a sign that she is dysfunctional in the morning because she over-imbibes in the evening. A sure sign of someone who drinks too much at night is that they are grumpy and irritable the next morning.

Relationships: Business: Job Interview Thank-You Note
Q Is it mandatory to send a thank-you letter after a job interview?

A Absolutely, send that thank-you note out immediately.

Relationships: Business: Newcomer Is Clueless
Q We have a new person at work who has the habit of coming to people's cubes, hanging over them, then starting to chit-chat about personal life. The person does this even when he can see we're on conference calls, and we are actually speaking on the calls. Giving him a look, shaking our heads "no," and giving the "not now" hand wave seem to have no effect. Also, when we are in face-to-face discussions, he will notice and come over and enter our circle or the cube we're in so that he can listen to what we're discussing. This is despite the fact that the issues have nothing to do with him and it would be obvious to anyone else that we are working on something (e.g., we are diagramming something).

How can I get him to stop these two behaviors and still maintain the working relationship? He's been here for a month, but still doesn't seem to be picking up on when it is appropriate to insert himself into a group and when it is not, and continues to interrupt our calls. Thanks for your help with this!

A Offices have their codes of conduct of behavior and a new employee coming in learns these codes one of two ways: He either watches from the side lines to figure out how he should fit in or he wings it and flies by the seat of his pants. If the guy is socially savvy and knows the basic principles of etiquette, he knows how to fit in. If he doesn't have good manners and is not considerate of other people's space, he does not fit in. A compassionate person in your office might take the guy to lunch and clue him into the codes of the office: if you see someone on the phone, go away; if you see two people discussing business that has nothing to do with you, go away. Say, "Listen, we all respect one another's space here, so if you want to fit in, you have to have to respect your co-workers space." If you have a savvy human resources person on the staff, he or she might be the person to have this conversation with the new guy. Whatever you do, don't humiliate the guy and don't chitchat about him behind his back. Show compassion and figure out how to clue him into the codes and conduct of your office.

Relationships: Business: Sending the Boss a Baby Present
Q My boss, the owner of the company, and his wife, whom I've never met due to the short time I've been employed there, just had twins, a boy and a girl; so what's an appropriate gesture on my part?

A Be savvy, as the new employee, ask the other employees if they are planning to respond to the birth of the twins. Perhaps, you might send one nice present with a card from all the employees in your department. If the other employees do not want to pitch in to buy a present, you might send a card or flowers; however, it would depend upon your status. If the recipients are not going to recognize your name on a card, you need not send one; or for that matter, you need not send a present. Congratulating the boss in person is always proper behavior.

Relationships: Business: Setting Social Boundaries With Employees
Q I am the manager of a 55 employee business. Recently an employee who reports to one of my managers sent me an email asking me and my wife to dinner with his wife at his house. I do not feel right about it. Would it be appropriate for me to accept the invitation?

A It would depend upon a couple of things. For instance, if you and your wife attended the same place of worship or were members of the same golf club and the invitation was more of a social bid than a jockeying for position at work, you might be compassionate and accept; if you didn't suspect a hidden agenda. Also, if it was a holiday party or you could tell by an invitation that there would be more than just the four of you at dinner, you might be polite and do a walk through, with or without your wife. Your instinct seems to be telling you not to go, so you might go with your instinct. The problem now is how to get out of the situation compassionately because if you say you are unable to come to dinner, he might ask you when you would be available to come. Then what do you say? If you do accept and go to his house for dinner, and you don't reciprocate he will not invite you again. If this is a social bid and you refuse it, he should get the hint. The only way out might be to email the man back and say:

"Thanks very much for your kind invitation for dinner but I make it a policy not to mix business with pleasure, so I am sorry but we will have to decline." The sooner you establish the boundary with clarity, the better.

Relationships: Business: Social Letters
Q When corresponding from one business exec to another on Monarch papers, which is the preferred method: handwritten note or typed? If normal handwriting is unsightly, is typed note ok?

A Handwritten personal notes are always the most impressive because of the obvious personal touch. However, if your handwriting is unsightly, it is perfectly acceptable to type the note but you would not put the receiver's address at the top over the saluation and you would not use a colon after the salutation; you would use a comma: Dear John, I am sorry for your loss. Then in closing, if you know the person is married or has a partner, your closing sentence might say: I hope you and Alice had a great vacation in the Nassau. Or, please send Alice my best wishes. Then in signing off you would end with, "Sincerely yours," or "My best wishes, not just "Sincerely" or "Yours truly," Then sign your name. You might even put a P.S. in your own hand: I'll call you for lunch next week. Or, let's make a plan to play golf when you're ready.

Relationships: Business: Talking About Colleagues
Q Is it ever appropriate to talk negatively about professional colleagues?


A When you talk negatively about professional colleagues, people will assume that you talk about everyone behind their back. The exception would be if you were asked by a superior to evaluate another professional's behavior or performance.

Relationships: Business: Terminating an Employee
Q Proper etiquette for terminating an employee?

A Give at least one month's notice so that the employee can figure out how to budget the family bills. It would be best if there had been a couple of warnings before the person is fired. Explain the severance pay, or/and the parachute package, how long the person's insurance will be in effect, and state the exact last day of work. Tell the employee in person but be sure that you also send this information to the employee in writing. Always compliment what you liked about his/her work and then lightly mentioning what you didn't. Even if it is hard to find praise, try to do so. If the employee asks you for specifics as to why he/she has been fired, by all means, be honest but preface each reason with an, "I am sorry." For instance, "I am sorry, but we cannot tolerate tardiness. If we ask all the employees to be at their desks at nine, we cannot continually overlook the fact that you are at least forty minutes late three days out of five. I hope that you understand that it is just not fair to the other employees who do make the extra effort to be at their desks on time." Do not gossip about the employee behind his/her back because the employee is in a difficult enough position as it is. Offer to write a recommendation for the employee. Ask the employee what it is he/she would really like to do and then set him/her up with someone in that field for an interview. Also, suggest that the person make an appointment with someone (give a specific name) in the human resource department to network for another job. If the employee has worked for over ten years, be sure to give a going away party of sorts, either a cake on the work premises, host a lunch in a nearby restaurant, or offer a couple of rounds of drinks in a local pub. In the cover letter for the recommendation, be sure to thank the employee for the specific years of service and try to mention what you valued the most about him/her, whether it is hi/her marvelous sense of humor, keen sense of style, punctuality, etc. Nobody likes to get fired, or for that matter, doing the firing so, go up the ladder in terms of how you treat the employee and remember that being fired can often set a person on a downward spiral into a deep depression from which they might possibly not recover. So: you want to honor and value their service and, perhaps, give them a couple of gentle hints as to how they can improve their skills, behavior, attitude, etc. Be sure to end on an up-note by reiterating the employees strength and reassuring him/her that he/she will find a better fit for his/her skills.

Once while an employee was talking to me about a previous job, she said that the boss was the nicest, best employer she had ever had, which made me stop and think about how I might be a better employer myself.

Relationships: Business: Thank-You for Recommendation for MBA Program
Q I am asking people to fill out a recommendation form to get into a MBA program. For the people that fill out the recommendation form, I would like to send them a thank-you of appreciation. Will a card do?

Thank you,
Ruth C. Sciano

A What kind of a card? Yes, if it is a correspondence card, no, if it is a cheap greeting card.

Relationships: Business: Who Says Hello First
Q When a person enters an office should he say hello first or should the person already in the office say hello?

A The person who enters the office announces himself by saying hello and introducing himself to whomever he does not already know.

Relationships: Call Family
Q When a family member leaves the country for work months at a time, do you contact him to say good-bye or should he call to say good-bye?

A Don't wait to find out. Pick up the phone and tell your family member you wish him well.

Relationships: Cellphone: Restaurant
Q Should you use your cellphone in a romantic restaurant?

A On a date, the cellphone is off. It is disrespectful to use your cellphone on a date in a romantic restaurant.

Relationships: Children of Friends
Q My friend has a thirteen-year-old son that doesn't speak when entering my house or a room. He doesn't speak if I don't speak; he doesn't say anything at all to adults when entering a room or at the office. I correct him each times he's with me or around other adults. I told his father but his father makes excuses for him. Please address this so I can let his father know this is rude and his child is developing bad manners.

A The boy may not have good manners but he also needs compassion and consideration. You would not want to humiliate him or criticize him in any way. I do not know your relationship with the boy, but if you are not his parent, you might talk to his parent about his bad manners, but not to him. The kid might never speak to you if you make an issue out of his bad manners. Children learn how to behave from their parents; if he hasn't picked up good manners from his dad, you are treading on shaky ground because when you criticize the child's behavior you are inadvertently criticizing your friend, too. Gently talk to your friend, but be careful not to hurt his feelings. Adolescent boys are often shy because their voices are changing and they never know how words will sound when they come out.

Relationships: Children's Birthday Parties: Gifts
Q A nine-year-old girl is having a birthday party. Her school friend is invited (same age but only brings a card and no gift). The friend's mother stated she did not know what to get the birthday girl so her daughter only brought a card. I say this is not OK.

A My dear, perhaps you need to put yourself in the girl's mother's shoes. Perhaps the mother does not have the money to compete at the gift giving level of the other guests. You would be surprised how many families just cannot afford to give birthday gifts to other people's children because they are having trouble putting food on their own table. Children's birthday parties are not about the "booty" that they bring in. You are teaching them social skills as to how to behave at a party. Etiquette is all about compassion, consideration, and compromise. The child brought a card. She must have felt very embarrassed that her family didn't have the money for a gift. Isn't it better that the child came to the party with a card which she probably spent a long time picking out, then not to have attended the party because she didn't have a gift that she thought that your child would like? You are a role model of behavior for your daughter. Be very careful what you say to her about this. Perhaps it is a good opportunity to talk about the fact that birthdays are not just about the gifts. Be kind to this sweet child who has been taught how to comprise and brought a card.

Relationships: Child's Summer Birthday Dilemma
Q Thank you for your time. My husband and I are considering having our child's late August birthday early, as in the end of May, to allow for school friends to attend. In the past very few children have been able to come to my child's party as they are on vactions or just too busy preparing for the new school year. Is this idea okay?

A It is okay, if that is what you would like to do; however, why not host the first birthday party of the new school year by celebrating his birthday with his friends after the fact. We teach children to be truthful and to have patience, by hosting the party after his real birthday you are teaching him not only to be patient but Not to cheat. Celebrating a child's birthday three months early sets him up for expecting the same year after year, and expecting things to happen before they are meant to happen. Hosting the first birthday of the school year will get those birthday invitations to him flowing throughout the school year. I understand your dilemma, but I think your son might be better served if the school year opened with the anticipation of a birthday party, his birthday party.

Relationships: Choosing Godparents
Q How do I select my baby's godparents?

A Make a list of close family who are perhaps slightly younger than you, but not necessarily, and add friends you have had a long time relationship with who are emotionally stable. You might not want to include your new best friend that you met at the gym or on the playground because it is not a tried and true friendship, yet. It is easiest to ask cousins you've grown up with because you probably share the same values, religion, and lifestyle. Out of my children's six godparents, four are cousins. The cousins make a greater effort to connect because the situation is less awkward; they are cousins and the friendship seems to grow more naturally. Alternatively, if there are friends who are tried and true whose wedding you have attended and whom you see several times a year, friends who you are so connected to that you don't get into snits or rifts with for insignificant reasons, list them. A son might have two godfathers and one godmother and a daughter might have two godmothers and one godfather. When you have your list, ask the godparents in that order because you may be surprised that one does not take to the idea, for whatever reasons. Don't forget to reassure the godparent that it is a spiritual relationship and there is financial obligation. Tell them who the legal guardian is so that they know they are not the only person in the world responsible for your child if something happens.

Relationships: Choosing the Headstone When Couple Was Separated
Q My husband passed away recently. Shortly before his passing we separated. I paid for all the expenses for the funeral and I am taking care of his estate with the insurance money I received. I tried to get his family's input on the funeral arrangements, etc. I have yet to purchase my husband's headstone. My mother-in-law is pressuring me that it needs to be done now. I've talked to several people who say, due to where I live, the headstone cannot be placed in the cemetery until April. Now, my mother-in-law is upset and says she should just do it anyway since my husband and I were not together at the time of his passing. My question is: who is responsible for the decision making process in choosing a headstone and who is to pay for it? My mother-in- law says she just wants to give input. I take this to mean that she wants what she wants and I pay the bill.

A Perhaps you and your mother-in-law can come to a compromise because you were not legally divorced at the time of his death, yet the relationship had deteriorated. You might offer to let her choose the headstone with a cap on the price and offer to pay for a headstone of average cost. For instance, if the average headstone is two thousand dollars and she chooses one that costs three thousand, his estate would pay two thousand and she would pay the additional thousand directly to the workshop. This is a difficult situation for both of you and the sooner the problem is resolved, the sooner you both can start to heal. Don't forget to factor in the expense of having the headstone engraved into your final sum.

Relationships: Christening Clothing
Q Who traditionally purchases a godchild's christening clothing?

A The parents of the godchild provide the Christening clothing. Traditionally, Christening clothing is passed down from generation to generation to be worn by the new baby. If the parents do not have them and cannot borrow them from family members or from a friend, then they would purchase Christening clothing for that child to pass down to be worn at his/her children's Christening.

Relationships: Christmas + Visiting Relatives
Q My two sisters-in-law have always been rude to my sister for no apparent reason and now they come to my house for Christmas and are rude to me and my children. What should I do?

A Yikes, that's a dilemma. Do you have any insight as to why they are rude to you and your sister? Are they insecure? Do they feel that you are better educated, prettier, richer, smarter? How awkward for you! Can you discuss this problem with your brother(s)? You never want to criticize because nothing destroys relationships faster than criticism, so you would just say that you feel that his wife doesn't respect or like you and you are just wondering if you did anything to offend them, or if they felt slighted by you in any way. Say that Christmas was so unpleasant that you won't be hosting next Christmas unless you feel better about the situation. Putting the brothers on notice this early gives the brothers a good eleven months to figure it out and get back to you. Be sure that you act puzzled as opposed to accusatory and ask for their advice, not their help. Say, "Can you give me any insight into why they don't like us, would you please tell me and if you don't know, find out and get back to me. I need your advice, not for you to interfere for me, just tell me what's up." When your brother gets back to you, which might not be for a while, be sure to thank him and listen very attentively to exactly what he says. Really listen. You can even repeat back to him what he says, so that you are crystal-clear about his advice. Whether you take the advice or not is up to you. Sometimes husband's will do anything to keep peace and make peace in the family. But if you listen to what he says, you should glean some insight into why they are rude and whether he has told them that you are concerned that they don't like you, your sister and your children. Then set some boundaries. You don't need toxic people around at holidays. The awful thing about toxic people is that they are contagious. Like a bad cold, toxic people spread their toxic vibes and all of a sudden everybody is grumpy. That's what it sounds like to me. Perhaps, you should wait for as long as possible before making plans for next Christmas. In the meantime, why not go up the ladder and write them both thank-you notes, thanking them for all of the various things that they did and gave that made Christmas so special this year. Be sincere, sweet, and kind, let them feel that your thank-you note comes from your heart.

Relationships: Church Etiquette
Q Is there scriptural guidance to proper church etiquette? I am trying to prepare to teach a class at my church on the subject. Please help me.

A The whole of the gospels cite specific examples and illustrations that were culturally appropriate at that period of time, in 30 AD when, say, women had to have their heads covered. More importantly, the scriptures are the teachings of Jesus and are about how we treat others; with kindness, respect, dignity, and by loving our neighbors. There are fundamentalists who get caught up in the blame and guilt, but proper church etiquette is about treating people as the children of God. Questions about scriptures can't be answered to address the issues of our time because Jesus didn't have to deal with the same issues; therefore we can never force that with which he never dealt.

Relationships: Clique Breaking
Q My office is small and we all are nice to one another, but there is one particular "clique" of 4 women who are nice but tend to leave people out. The other members of the office invite them to go to group lunch, or social gatherings when (and this is key) we are discussing the plans within earshot of them. For private lunchs, we discuss the plans more quietly. They however do not invite us, and yet discuss the plans very loudly in front of those who are not invited. Am I being oversensitive when I feel left out, or is this just plain rude and they should discuss their plans more quietly?

A Since caveman days cliques have caused women to feel slighted. Do not take these supposed slights personally. It might not have anything to do with you. Most probably these women are not deliberately leaving you. They are just more comfortable in one another's company. To be a part of the clique, you will have to figure out what the common interests are that bind them and make those your interests, too, in order to fit in. In my opinion, you have to go up the ladder in situations such as this and go out of your way to, say, host a shower birthday for one of those women. Find out what you can do for each one whether it is, say, an introduction or a favor and do it. Go up the ladder and be really nice, but genuinely nice. On the other hand, don't be clingy. For instance, if you are all headed out for lunch at the same time, give them a big smile and breezily say, "Have a nice lunch," and go your own way. After doing this a couple of times, breezily ask, "Would you mind if I joined you ladies for lunch today?" Your chances of breaking into the clique are better if you are alone. Once you are a full-fledged member of the pack, then you can invite others to join from time to time.

Relationships: Close-ended + Open-ended Questions
Q When and how do you use close-ended questions? Open-ended?

A One would use a close-ended question when one wanted to get the other person thinking about something but you are not expecting them to answer; for instance if you were questioning their ethics, reasoning or values. You might say to your partner: Do you really want that second piece of cake? Your partner is not expected to answer yes or no, because you both know that you are challenging him to think about whether he really needs to eat that second piece of cake. An open-ended question is asked when specific information is needed.

Relationships: Closings for Thank-You
Q What is the proper way to sign a thank-you note to someone you have just met who invited you to dinner and the opera?

A If you are interested in sustaining a relationship with this someone, you need to telephone the next day to thank him for a lovely evening, mentioning both the dinner and the opera. You would not need to send a thank-you note unless you had been treated to the dinner and the opera by an older person, someone who expects thank-you notes. Alternatively, if you wish to make this someone a special person in your life, you might write a thank-you note with the undertones of a love letter. For instance, in closing the thank-you note you might write, "Fondly," or "With affection," or "Affectionately," instead of "Best regards," or "Best wishes." It goes without saying that you would sign your first name only because you have just spent an evening with this person.

Relationships: Club Receives Donation in Memory of Member
Q If a club receives a check/donation in memory of someone, should the family of the memorial also receive notification of the gift?

A Yes, because a member of the family will want to thank the donor for her generosity. However, the club might wait to see if any more donations come in and then send one list with the names and addresses of the donors, though probably not the amount of the donation.

Relationships: College Graduate Gift
Q What is an appropriate college graduation gift?


A Usually the college graduate appreciates money the most. As the graduate will be starting out adult life, many expenses will be encountered and the graduate might greatly appreciate any check, no matter how great or small. Alternatively, the graduate might also appreciate a good watch, pearl earrings or necklace.

Relationships: Colors for Mother's Day Roses
Q When making corsages for Mother's Day, what is the symbolism for the roses (red - Mother alive, white - Mother deceased)?

A Red roses are a sign of love.
Pink roses are a sign of grace.
Dark pink roses are a sign of gratitude.
Light pink roses are a sign of admiration.
White roses are a sign of reverence, innocence, purity, secrecy, friendship and humility.
Yellow roses are a sign of dying and/or platonic love.
Yellow roses with red tips are a sign of friendship and falling in love.
Orange roses are a sign of passion.
Burgundy roses are a sign of beauty.
Blue roses are a sign of mystery.
Green roses are a sign of calm.
Black roses are a sign of slavish devotion.
Purple roses are a sign of protection and of paternal and maternal love.

Pick your shade of rose. As I do not know you, your mother, or anything about your relationship, the choice is up to you.

Relationships: Confirmation Gift
Q What is an appropriate cash gift for a child's confirmation - for individuals in upper middle class circumstances?

A It would depend upon your relationship to the child. According to your means, anywhere between $25 and $100 would be appropriate. I am not a huge fan of cash gifts. I prefer gift certificates, jewelry, and books.

Relationships: Confused Grandparents
Q Received message on answering machine from godmother inviting us (paternal grandparents) to a christening party she is holding (only and not to the actual christening) and telling us to bring specific food, but never telling us time or location of party. Other side of family received mailed invites to both christening at church and to godmother's party, which is to be held at the maternal Grandparents' home. My Husband refuses to go to the party and said we will go to the Church only, invited or not. I'm totally confused, now what?

A Pick up the telephone and talk to your daughter-in-law: say that you received a rather muddled message to bring food to your grandchild's christening party but the baby's godmother didn't give the date or the time of the christening or the party. Give your daughter-in-law the benefit of the doubt that perhaps she ran out of invitations or asked your son to invite you in person and/or she is suffering from postpartum depression. Give her a window of opportunity to remedy the situation. Your invitation may have slipped under the baby's car seat or some such place. Remember how it was to have a new baby and not enough sleep. Good manners and etiquette are based on consideration and compassion. Be of good spirit, a christening is a deeply religious ceremony and a wonderful time for families to come together and celebrate a new member of the family. As the baby's grandparents, you are role models to your son and his wife for proper behavior. In situations such as this, when you go up the ladder, you always come out ahead.

Relationships: Congratulating Baby When Couple Are Split
Q My nephew and his wife just had a baby which is premature. However, they are separated and plan on divorcing. They are both involved in the baby's life even though it remains in the hospital. The prognosis on the baby looks good but I am not sure what is the proper way to congratulate them. Do I send them both a card or just one card and address it to both of them? I am confused. He is living with his girlfriend, which complicates it even more. Please advise.

A You might send the card to your nephew's wife but address it to both of them because they are not divorced and you are congratulating them about their baby.

Relationships: Conversation: Keeping It Lively
Q Once you get the conversation going, how do you deal with the silences? I panic when the conversation stops because I think I can't get it going again.

A You've started the dialogue, don't fret over the silences. Often brief silences are welcome. It gives you time to think about what you want to say next. You can expand on the conversation by saying "Tell me more--it sounds like a great place to take the kids on vacation." You can be self-revealing by saying, "I know exactly what you mean--I had the same problem with a friend at work recently." You can get the person to elaborate by clarifying what he said in saying, "What exactly did she do?"

Relationships: Conversation: Topics to Discuss
Q What questions can you ask a guy?


A What questions can you ask a guy in conversation? First off, let him tell you what he does for a living because you do not want to sound like a "gold digger" who will walk away if he is unemployed. Ask him if he does a sport. Tell him that he looks as if he works out, does he. Ask him where he is from. Ask him what CDs he is listening to. Ask him if about his brothers and sisters. Ask him about his relationship with his family, because you can tell a lot about a guy when he talks lovingly about his family. Ask him where he went on his last vacation. Ask him what his favorite foods are. Ask him where he sees himself five years from now, ten years from now. Ask him where he would travel to and what he would like to see. Ask him if he has a pet. Ask him what his favorite movies are and tell him yours.

Relationships: Corsage for Black Tie Party
Q Is it customary to buy a woman a corsage when attending a black tie affair?

A If this is your senior prom, the answer is yes. If not, no. If you had a great time you can send her a thank-you note or flowers with a note the next day.

Relationships: Couple Etiquette: Alluring Women Who Make Men Make Fools of Themselves
Q My husband recently walked in a restaurant where my father, my female cousin from Scottsdale and I were dining. My father had just arrived in town and my cousin had already been visiting in our home for several days. My husband greeted my father ....shook his hand, reached across the table and shook MY hand????, and then reached over and kissed my female cousin who was seated directly beside me.

Last year I flew out to visit my cousin and stayed for a week. My husband joined us the next week...when he arrived at the airport, after having not seen him for a week, he went straight to my cousin, hugged and kissed her, and then to me.

In both cases I think my face turned bright red. What is the proper protocol here? Am I being too sensitive? My husband thinks my cousin is very beautiful. He has never been inappropriate with her in any other way.

A There is a body of research that suggests that some women's bodies produce stronger pheromones than others. Also, as women age we produce less and less pheromones. Women who produce a lot of pheromones, no matter how good looking or young they are, are more attractive to men. Men have a hard time controlling their attraction to pheromones and can be blinded by them because they actually make men feel high. Whether this is the case with your husband or not, he still should not have been rude to you. Nevertheless, the most gentlemanly gentleman can forget his manners when he is in the presence of a women with high levels of pheromones. This does not excuse your husband's behavior, but it might help you to understand that you shouldn't take his exuberance over your cousin as a personal slight to you. Just go up the ladder and ignore the behavior, perhaps reminding him when she's around that he has a crush on her and that he better mind his manners.

Relationships: Couples Signing Cards
Q When sending a sympathy card to a family from a married couple, is it signed John and Mary Smith, or Mary and John Smith?

A I am a huge fan of ladies first. Traditionally, the given name that appears first would be that of the person who knows the recipient of the card the best and/or longer. So: if Mary was at college with the recipient of the card or the deceased, her name would most definitely appear first because she established the relationship.

Relationships: Couples: Leaving One Couple Out
Q Hello, My husband and I are having a recurring problem when it comes to balancing our friends and social gatherings. We have two couples that we are very close with and they each have a daughter the same age as ours - five. Couple A will invite us to do something and then feel obligated to invite couple B, but sometimes not do so. Then often ask us "should we have invited couple B?" And we don't really know how to respond. On many occasions couple B will not be invited and then when everyone is togeter, couple A talks about the occasion that couple B was not a part of and couple B's feelings get hurt. We are tired of being in the middle. Any suggestions?

A I must congratulate you on your good manners. You are obviously a sensitive and caring person. However, you must realize that couple B might not care as much as you think they do.

So, the next time couple A asks, "Should we have invited Alice and George?" You can say, "I'm sure they're busy tonight. People really like Alice and George."

Relationships: Cousin Question Graduate's Gift
Q My cousin's daughter is a senior in college and plays the flute. She will be performing at her college and there is a social afterwards. Am I expected to give her anything?

A You are not expecting to give her anything, your cousins are proud of her and invited you so that family members can be aware of her many accomplishments. However, I am sure that any young person starting off on their own after college would greatly appreciate a small check.

Relationships: Co-worker Burps + Farts
Q How can I tell a co-worker who shares my office with me that he has a problem with burping and gas. He burps almost every day--and doesn't try to muffle it at all. Sometimes when he sits down, he lets out gas and avoids saying anything at all. How do I bring up this touchy subject and get him to stop?

A This is a common problem that nobody knows how to handle. The best way I've found to confront the problem is to make it a joke; for instance, "I guess we don't have to give you a whoopee cushion" for Christmas. Then the next time he farts you can say, "There goes that human whoopee cushion again". If that's not your style, why not have a chat with the poor guy and tell him that there are all sorts of drugs these days to prevent burping and flatulants and ask if he has tried any of them. Show true concern. If that doesn't work, get him some Zantac and Tums and tell him point blank that he has a problem that effects his fellow co-workers and he needs to deal with it.




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Relationships: Co-worker Dresses Inappropriately
Q How to do tell a co-worker that her way of dressing is inappropriate for work? She wears low cut pants with a short crop top in a chemical technical service/professional area.

A If there is a human resources department or employee management department, you might ask if one of the women would have a talk with the co-worker to discuss the appropriate dress code. Etiquette and manners are all about compassion and consideration, so you might want to be careful not to humilate the woman in front of her coworkers. If there are no women in these departments, try to find a woman staff member who will discuss the dress code with her. Alternatively, the human resources department might send out an email to all co-workers with an update on the various rules of the company and include a dress code, which might state that low cut pants and cropped tops are inappropriate in the workplace and anyone wearing them to work will be asked to go home and change.

Relationships: Co-worker Has Poor Manners
Q One of my co-wokers has really bad manners and I was wondering what is the best way to tell her...she has children and if she acts that way, one can only imagine how she teaches her children how to behave properly...or rather, improperly.

A Manners are about consideration and compassion. To start, you need to be compassionate about your co-worker's bad manners because it is usually uneducated people who have bad manners and therefore she might be a product of her upbringing. For her birthday or Christmas, you might wrap up a book of everyday manners, tie it with a sweet little bow, and give it her. If she asks you why you gave her a book on manners, you can tell her you are trying to be her friend and you thought the book might help her.

Relationships: Critical Hostess
Q My grandmother died last month. She was my only living relative besides my children. I had to travel a great distance to make her funeral arrangements. I called my husband's cousin and asked him if my children (2, ages 18 & 14) and I could stay at his house while we took care of this. He agreed without reservations. On the drive there his stepmother called and basically badgered me into staying at her house instead. We arrived late and went straight to bed. The next morning we woke up early and left to take care of things. His stepmother called later in the day and said she had made a roast the night before and asked us to come eat. I was really pressed for time and I still had a meeting with my grandmother's lawyer, so I apologized and said no. At that point she proceeded to lecture me about smoking in her house. She said upon returing home, her husband and she had both smelled the smoke. I told her "no one smoked in your house, I don't even smoke in my own house." The conversation was very short and I didn't give her an inch. We arrived at the house late that evening and she and her husband had already retired for the night. The next morning we got up at 8 and there she was, sitting at the table, with her bible, drinking coffee in her pj's and house coat. I was appalled at the idea that she had stayed home to "hawkeye" us to make sure we didn't smoke in her house. She is an elementary school teacher and it was not a school holiday. We dressed quickly, said thanks and left for the funeral and then left for the drive back to our home. I called my husband and told him what she had said and did and he was just as mad as I am. I do not want to write this woman a thank-you note. I cannot believe I was treated that way. If the smoke was on my coat from smoking in the truck on the 24 hour trip there, then SORRY, but don't accuse me of smoking when I say I didn't, and then don't stay home and see if I don't do it again. What should I do? I can just hear the repercussions in the extended disfunctional family now..."she didn't even write me a thank-you note..." If I say thank you I would be lying. She treated me horribly.

A I am sorry she treated you terribly and that she was not more compassionate and considerate under the circumstances. I am a big fan of walking away from a bad situation and taking the high road by going up the ladder. Write her a thank-you note and be done with her. You don't ever have to see her again, but if you end it as the better person, at least you know that you did the right thing by writing a thank-you note.

Relationships: Criticizing Bad Behavior in Public
Q I was out with a group of friends for dinner the other night with my husband when one of our friends came up to our table and without giving anyone else at the table a greeting proceeded to invite one of the couples at our table out for dinner. I felt insulted that he 1) never acknowledged us and 2) that he didn't try to get the couple off to the side to invite them. When he left our table I said that I didn't think his behavior was appropriate and that it was an ignorant thing to do. My husband got upset with me and told me so in front of the others. I felt not only dismissed by the person but chastised by my husband. Was I out of order?

A You are not going to like my answer. Next time you need to think before you expound in public on other people's behavior. Chalk the situation up to bad manners on the part of the interloper. Go up the ladder in situations like this and ignore rudeness. When you and your husband are alone in private you can tell him what you thought of your friend's behavior. Unfortunately, in situations like this when your friend might have been drinking, the alcohol made him forget his manners, and apparently, yours, too.

Relationships: Cuddling Guests
Q Is cuddling at the family Christmas party a bad public display of affection?

A Young adults often have a hard time keeping their hormones and feelings under control when they are in the throws of early love and their cuddling can be sweet or their cuddling can be annoying. Jokingly suggest that they find someplace more comfortable. It is such a joy seeing people being affectionate that you probably would not want to criticize them. As we know, the worse thing you can do in family dynamics is criticize a family member. Criticism destroys more relationships than anything else. So, bite your tongue, cut them some slack, and be happy that young people are not afraid of showing affection. Don't be a curmudgeon just because you are not getting those hugs.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette
Q How should men treat women when starting a relationship?

A If you go to your public library or local bookstore, you will find that hundreds and thousands of books have been published on the subject. An easy one is Dummies' Guide to Dating. Alternatively, go to www.amazon.com and type in a search for dating.

As far as etiquette goes, in a nutshell: about any issue ask her three times, if she still says "No," or doesn't reply, drop it; ladies always go first; don't wear a baseball cap on a date; open all doors including car doors; put the toilet seat down; don't assume that she wants to sit for hours watching sports on TV; when invited for dinner, ask her what you can bring; if you find that you are running over ten minutes late, phone her to give her an estimated time for your arrival so that she isn't angry with you for wasting her time; be sure that you practice good hygiene and make sure that your breath and clothing are always fresh; if she is sleeping over, be sure that the sheets are fresh; if you need her to pay for her share of the date, let her know ahead of time, so that she can budget her day; upon arriving, be sure to tell her how lovely, pretty, cool, or beautiful she looks; never criticize her, because criticism ruins relationships; never borrow money from her; do not put down her friends or family, even if she makes derogatory comments about them from time to time; do not interrupt her when she is talking; apologize and backtrack if you behave badly; thank her when she say or does something kind for you; listen attentively to what she has to say; in response, always say, "I understand"; don't assume that she necessarily wants your advice, because most of the time she is talking because she needs to vent and talking helps her to figure it out herself; if she cooks for you, tell her what tastes good to you; ask her if she would like to have a bath after dinner and draw it; be sure that she is adequately stimulated before you come; don't ask her if you are a good lover; don't put yourself down; don't complain about the size of your penis; don't show her photos or tell tales of sexual exploits with other women; do not answer your cellphone or text message when you are on a date or are in bed; tell her what you like about her love making; use condoms; fall asleep holding her hand, if you are not in an embrace; be attuned to her moods to know when you need to give her space; learn what pushes her buttons so that you don't push them by mistake; know what triggers her bad moods and be patient; don't tell her that you love her unless you mean it; if you mean it, and she reciprocates, tell her every day that you love her; once you tell her that you love her, do not cheat on her because she might never forgive you. To establish a solid relationship with her, you will have to learn to read her facial expression and body language in order to connect with her and be in synch.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette:
Q When dating is it the man only who should call the woman at first?


A After the first date, the synchronization should be pretty equal between the couple. There is an ebb and flow going on of social bidding that goes back and fourth between the two: he invites her to dinner, she invites him to a party, he takes her to brunch, she invites him for supper. So, who calls whom next is about the next social bid.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: Asking About H.I.V.
Q Currently I am dating a popular bachelor who is handsome, sexy and has a brilliant career. John has had many more sexual encounters than I have had and I don't want to have sex with him until I know that he is not infected with H.I.V. When I bring up the subject, hinting that I would like to know if he has been tested, he acts as if I've insulted him saying, People like me don't get H.I.V. I really love John, but since he's older and more worldly, I fear for my health. How can I get him to get tested?

A By the end of 2006, a relatively quick do-it-yourself H.I.V. test should be a staple in pharmacies. When it becomes available, you could easily invite your date in for a drink and offer him a rapid H.I.V. test that takes twenty minutes and not miss your dinner reservation. If the two of you take the test together, it would set both of your minds at ease. This hugely important step in the courting process will become de rigueur for savvy new couples.

Your instincts are probably telling you that you wouldn't be comfortable having sex with John unless you knew for sure that he is H.I.V. free, thus putting you at a disadvantage because you would be inhibited sexually. As passion always has an urgency to it, take the test, but don't wait for the pharmacies to carry it. You both can be tested at any walk-in medical center anonymously; however, you need to remember that even though it is as easy as a swab on the cheek in the inside of your mouth and a twenty-minute wait, you must take into consideration that it can take up to three months for H.I.V. to show up in a test. Show John your test results on your next date and ask him to do the same for you. Most likely, you can sweet talk him into getting tested by saying something like this: You're such an attractive man so you have obviously had sex with many women who have had many partners, too. Aren't you curious? Remind him that it is a matter of his safety, too. There are a million people in the United States who have tested positive for H.I.V. So: Be safe and use a condom.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: When to Give Up
Q My mom always said that when you've tried connecting with someone and after three tries there's no response, you should give up. I'm totally infatuated with someone. I've made three attempts to get her to spend time with me and I have not had a positive responsive. Should I give up or should I make a fool of myself with the hope that it will work out?

A It depends upon how she rejected you. If she is leaving another relationship and she is a codependent person, she might be up for a new one. Chances are: three strikes and you are out. However, if you really feel this person is your soul-mate, build on the friendship. Romantic relationships are built on friendship.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: Rescheduling
Q After you have agreed to meet someone, then they cancel, what is my obligation to reschedule?

A It is the old baseball rule, three times and you're out. Try two more times and if you still cannot connect, don't bother.

Relationships: Dating: Flirting
Q Should your date turn his back to you while he talks to another woman who you believe is chasing him? He doesn't see it but women get a different feel from other women. Men just seem to be flattered. Should I point it out or just hope he doesn't respond to obvious flirtation??

A Criticism destroys relationships faster than anything else, so if you are serious about this guy, don't criticize his behavior. You can softly, gently say that you feel left out when he turns his back to you and talks to other women, or you can go about your business and flirt with other men. When he notices that he's lost your attention, he might scold you for flirting. Then you can say, "That's how I feel when you flirt with other women."

Relationships: Daughter + Caring Mum
Q My daughter (20 yrs.) has the worst manners. She screams at her bosses all the time. How can I show her that this is BAD BEHAVIOR? She is so headstrong, and defiant all her life!!

A Let's examine your daughter's behavior. It might be a chemical imbalance. It might be hormonal. I have a daughter who is irritable and crabby because she is an asthmatic and her sign is Cancer--the crab. So: encourage your daughter to get a thorough medical evaluation. Since she is employed, her insurance might cover it. Screaming at her bosses is no way to climb the ladder, so she needs your help. The problem is that you cannot come into the conversation criticizing her. It is her behavior that is the problem. A hormonal imbalance may be the cause of the screaming. If you don't have the courage to speak up, and I don't blame you, let her come to her problem on her own. Life is all about understanding the consequences of our behavior. At some point, she will come to realize this; as a mother it is a heartbreaking process. Indeed, there may be medical reasons for the outbursts and irritability. Be there for her and listen. Tell her you understand. Tell her irritability might be caused by allergies and outbreaks might be caused by hormonal imbalance and that, these days, there are simple remedies. Open the subject to discussion without preaching. Go from there. You are your daughter's role model and strongest advocate; how you handle this is how she might handle this same problem with her own child.

Relationships: Daughter Problems
Q Dear Didi---
Will I receive an answer to my previous questions by e-mail soon? I don't want to be rude; however, I'm anticipating a blow-up since my daughter doesn't listen to any common sense and would like to cite you as my expert on etiquette questions. Thank you.


A I try to answer all questions with in twenty-four hours. However, in order to be fair to all of my readers I have to answer all questions in the order that they appear on my Web site. I only ask questions typed into the question box on my Web site.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Relationships: Daughter-In-Law Feels Left Out of the Giving
Q My husband's father and stepmother have known me for 8 yrs. now and have given me a birthday gift and or card once in 8 yrs.; however they always send my husband a birthday card and gift. I have always remembered them both for their birthday's but recently decided I was no longer sending anything, card nor gift, and should my husband want to, that would be fine from him. This same couple also used to exchange Christmas gifts w/ both my husband and me (nice ones at that) and then 2 yrs. ago when exchanging our Christmas gifts w/ them they gave my husband all his usual gifts etc... and they handed me just an envelope which had a $20.00 bill in it, period.... Then this past Christmas they gave my husband $100.00 in his Christmas card and $20.00 in mine. My question is similar to the birthday. Would it be okay if just my husband exchanged w/ them for Christmas and I could save them the effort to HAVE to give, which is how I feel their gift is to me???
By the way just a quick 101 on these people, I recently was in a car accident and had 2 major surgeries, one being a spinal fusion, they have not once called to see how I am doing no cards, no flowers, no calls, now concerns, nothing. So am I so wrong to not want my name on anything to them anymore?

A I am a big fan of going up the ladder, especially in family situations such as these. Ignore their bad behavior, don't let it get under your skin and ruin your birthday and Christmas; be the bigger person. If they don't give you a gift, and you feel bitter about that then don't give them gifts. Often in families as the parents get older and they are living on limited incomes, they try to save by just giving to their blood family. Whatever you do don't take it personally, as people get older they tend to think less and less about the consequences of their actions or inactions, so you might cut the old people some slack. Christmases and birthdays are not about the amount of the booty.

Relationships: Dealing with Nasal Snorting
Q Nasal snorting that sounds to go right to the back of the throat... what is the cultural explanation for this horrible sound. A co worker will do it while he is talking to us, it seems very rude what can we do about it?

A At this time of year when pollen floats from the trees and grass is mowed for the first time, many people experience unattractive signs of being allergic to certain allergens. The best way to approach this annoyance is to ask the person out if he has allergies at this time of year? Often the person is so used to clearing his throat of mucus that he doesn't realize that he is annoying. Questioning the person with sincere concern is the best way to make that person aware of the fact that coworkers are bothered by his throat clearing. Suggest that the person try one of the many over-the-counter allergy medicines. Make up something, say that your friend has the same problem and he found great relief from having to clear his throat when he started experimenting with various allergy remedies. Without outright humiliating the person, you are getting him thinking about the fact that he has a social problem that he needs to deal with sooner rather than later. If that doesn't work, give him the name of a ear, nose and throat doctor. If he gives you a weird look, tell him that you are just trying to be helpful. Say you are concerned about his health.

Relationships: Dealing With Recently Divorced Friends
Q When friends divorce and you and your spouse are friends of both the husband and wife, how do you properly express "condolences" for their pain and unhappiness, while still remaining friends with both parties?

A We never really know what goes on in other people's relationships, so it is best to stay neutral and let them do the talking. If you are concerned about either of the ex-couple's mental health, you might invite them out for lunch. It will give the ex-spouse the opportunity to perhaps say that, "It is all for the best." "We were just too much alike." "We both agreed that it was better to go our separate ways." "Our sexual energy was different or out of sync." Coming out of a marriage that doesn't work any longer, both ex-spouses usually formulate a sentence or two, throw away lines, that they can use in response to questioning. You might help them with this. The best thing to do is to be a good listener and in response say to the woman, "I understand." Or to the man, "I guess that makes sense." Do not offer advice or condolences because they might be relieved to be free of the relationship. Even if it is a mutual decision, nobody likes to feel as if they have failed in a relationship, especially a marriage. So, you would not write a condolence letter, but in conversation, whether it is on the golf course or over coffee, you might offer your sympathy for what they have been going through by saying, "I am sure that you did everything you could to keep the marriage together." Seriously, that is all you have to say, unless of course, the friend needs to vent and/or a shoulder to cry on. But do not feel sorry for them because acknowledging that a marriage doesn't work, that one is no longer sexually compatible for many is a huge growth step. Yes, it would have been better if they could have worked out their problems, but it just takes one to fall out of love. So: help the person keep self-respect, reassure him or her that they have "done all that they could do to save the marriage," even if you don't really feel that this is true. As I said, we never really know what goes on in other people's marriages. Try to treat them equally. If you invite one for dinner, be sure to invite the other at another time. Nothing annoys the newly divorced more than judgmental friends.

Relationships: Dealing with Surprise Pregnancy
Q What is the appropriate thing to say to the mother of a daughter with a 'surprise' pregnancy?

A Nothing, the less said the better. Tell her how envious you are that she'll be a grandmother and have a baby in her life.

Relationships: Dealing With the Widowed
Q My brother-in-law died last month. How do I deal with his widow and their wedding anniversary this month?

A Since I don't know your relationship with your sister, it is hard to advise you because anything you do this first year might set expectations for following anniversaries. How you deal with this really depends upon how well she is healing and how soon she will be ready to move on. You might take her out to lunch or dinner, but it would not necessarily have to be on the day of the anniversary. You can say that you know that it must be a hard time for her because there are so many memories, but you would like to take her out for dinner or lunch, which would be good for her? So: you are not enabling her, and you are not setting up yourself up as a substitute. In her own time and in her own way, she will heal. Yes, you could send a card or flowers, but that is still setting you up for subsequent years. What she most probably wants is contact, not cards and flowers,---even if it is just a phone call around the anniversary date.

Relationships: Death of Divorced Ex
Q Do you send a sympathy card to a divorced woman whose ex-husband has died?

A Probably not. However, when you see her, in conversation you can acknowledge the fact that her ex-husband died and then listen to what she says. Respond accordingly.

Relationships: Declining A Weekend Invitation
Q I'm traveling on business to a city where one of my friends from college lives. I've extended my stay to include the weekend, so I can enjoy the city and see my friend and his wife and children. How do I politely decline his offer (insistence) that I stay at his house? I want to see him, but I prefer to stay in a hotel.

A You are so dignified, go with that grace:

May I politely decline your thoughtful invitation to stay with you and your family? As much as I am looking forward to spending time with you, your wife (use her name, if you can), and children, I have to catch up on some reading and a hotel suits that purpose.

Then offer a couple of alternatives:

Perhaps you both will dine with me Friday night? Or we could all have brunch on Saturday?

(I know the above sounds dorky, but reading could be for work and not just reading Proust for your book club.)

Relationships: Difficult Conversations
Q In my job I'm forced to make decisions that change the employees' lives. Lately all I seem to do is fire people or cut back on their hours. Is there a polite way to tell someone that his life is changing radically because he's fired?

A Prepare before having the difficult conversation. Think about how to broach the subject softly in order to make it easier for the other person to hear what you have tell them. For instance, "Jake, you shouldn't take this personally, we've had to cut forty positions and I'm sorry yours is one of them." Other ways of softening the blow of what you're about to say:

"I know you mean no harm, but ...
"I'm sure you're not aware, but...
"I'm sure its an oversight, but...

Relationships: Difficult Dinner Partners
Q Last night at a stuffy dinner party I was seated to the right of a very difficult elderly man who didn't seem interested in talking to me or to the woman on his left. Whether he was sulking because he didn't have the seat of honor next to the hostess or not, I don't know but I struggled through a long six course dinner trying to make conversation. His dinner partner on his left gave up making an effort during the entree when he was far more interested in his filet mignon than in talking to her. I was stuck on my own with him through salad, cheese, dessert, and coffee. What could I have said to stir this old coot?

A The next time you are stuck trying to find common ground while making conversation, ask the person if he or she has made any interesting new friends recently. Most of us have "new best friend" that we are temporarily stimulated by until they wear thin.

Everybody knows that asking questions is the way to make someone talk, but which questions? You certainly couldn't have said, and what do you do? (you old coot). The constant common denominator for people is other people. And I don't mean playing the Who do you know? game of whether you know a person well or very well, or not at all; that's not the point. We become enlivened when we meet an intriguing person, even if it is but a brief connection.

Next time say, "Have you made any wonderful new friends lately?"

Relationships: Digital Etiquette: E-dating
Q I met my husband e-dating and now I'm embarrassed when anyone asks me how we met because it sounds so trendy and we really wouldn't be considered a trendy couple. We can't just make up an untrue story because then how we met becomes a lie. What do we say?

A Internet dating is a social trend that's here to stay. Try to think up a story you can both use about your first actual date to take the emphasis off of the earlier details. In other words, start by saying something funny about how you met face to face for the first time.

Perhaps you double dated and you ended up liking the other guy, your husband, whose profile you had passed on because the write-up hadn't seemed all that intriguing. Your now husband ended up being far more interesting and funnier than his profile. Remember that the more unique the story you tell of how you met, the less people will snicker. Once you have a good tale about the funny thing that happened on your first date, it will naturally take the focus off of what you think people will snicker about.

Relationships: Digital Etiquette: How To Be an E-flirt
Q Can you give me some tips on how to find nice boys? I've been e-dating for a while now and I seem only to attract losers. They are never what they say they are, or who they say they are. In real life they don't even look like their photo. I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing wrong.

A First you have to choose the right site. For instance,
GreenSingles.com attracts a more progressive audience. OKcupid, Match, eHarmony, Chemistry tend to be more diversified. Secondly, use a clear headshot for your photo and upload a couple of others, including a full length photo. If you're a bit edgy, then use at least one edgy photo. Next, you want to write a profile that stands out. Rather than say, "I have a good sense of humor," show it by telling a few jokes; reveal a quirk that will make people LOL. Lastly, be sure to answer all questions focusing on traits that show how unique you are; be sure to answer the question "The most private thing you're willing to admit."

If you've done all the above, try a makeover at e-makeover.com.

Relationships: Digital Etiquette: Reconnecting With an Old Love
Q There was a special girl in my life many years ago, after
our 1st year in college we just drifted apart.... nothing bad. Now 30 years later, as I begin to make my bucket list,
I've wanted to reconnect only to see how she has done after all these years.

Is it proper? and if so, how do I go about it without seeming to weird or creepy?

A In our digital age there are numerous ways to find and reconnect with old friends and lovers. The most direct, of course, is to telephone her. If you don't have her contact information, type in her various names with the last known name of her town at whitepages.com. Her name, address, and number might come up, along with aliases, age, and name of spouse and children still residing at home with her. If you are not sure of her current name, start with her maiden name or the last name you knew her as. You can even pay to get her email address and other information. If you were in school together you can email the alumni office for her address; they might not give you her phone number, but if her email address is on file they might give it to you.

Once you have her number, pick up the phone and call her. Make the call about her. Don't tell her about your bucket list, just say that you thought about her the other day and was wondering how she was doing? Don't say you "tracked" her down, because that's a bit spooky. Ask her questions about her life and let her talk. If she's interested in you, she'll ask you questions about your life. What happens from there is up to the tone of each of your voices over the phone. The tone of her voice will tell you how receptive she is to reconnecting.

If cold calling isn't your style, then join one of the social networks such as Facebook.com. Once you're a member (membership is free), you might be able to find her and then "friend" her. She might be pleasantly surprised to hear from you. It would be best to start the dialogue by writing a short message on her Facebook "wall." You can get a sense of who she is by reading the info and looking at her photos and affiliations on her Facebook page once she's "friended" you. A lot of women go on Facebook in order to stay connected with old friends and younger family members, so you might possibly find her that way.

Ideally, if you can get a hold of her current name and address, write an old fashioned handwritten letter that is breezy and light and ask her if you can call her because you would like to catch up.

It is not weird or creepy to try to rekindle old friendships and reconnect. She might welcome hearing from you. If she isn't interested, she'll give you that social cue by mentioning her husband or boyfriend's name throughout the conversation, or by simply using the "we" word a lot. Chances are she'll respond favorably in order to find out what you're all about and then decide whether or not to go deeper.

Another way to reconnect is through Craigslist.com. Type her a message identifying her only by her first name and your first name, then recount a memory of the two of you that includes the location. People have been known to reconnect that way, but it is a long shot.

I'd be curious to hear what happens, if you should have the time to give me an update.

Relationships: Disappointed Mom + Daughter
Q My daughter went to a ballet camp audition. There were girls from her class that also auditioned, and got in. My daughter did not get in. After the audition, she discreetly told me that she got in, and "let it slip" to the other girls that she was accepted. Two other girls from her class were also rejected. Two days later, I found out that she was lying to them and me, because she was so devastated that she was turned down. Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this situation? A couple of the girls who were accepted are obnoxious and flaunt their success; my daughter has had to struggle very hard to keep up, and is self-conscious about her difficulty. Thank you.

A As soon as possible, give your daughter a big hug and tell her how much you love her and how proud you are of her. Try to bring in a couple of examples of things she does well. You need to make your daughter understand that you understand how disappointed she is in not being accepted to ballet camp. Your daughter feels she has not only failed herself but that she has disappointed you. Ask her if she would like to go to computer camp, or sailing camp. Your local library will have guide books that list hundreds of different summer activities for young people.

You need to help your daughter move on and she won't be able to do that until you move on, too. She will need more than her share of hugs, so you will need to remember to give them to her often. My daughter had a similar situation of rejection and went on to be a great gymnast, a highly competitive swimmer, a track star, and a fabulous skier and tennis player; she has never regretted not becoming a ballerina.

Relationships: Divorce Etiquette
Q How to announce your divorce formally, especially within the work environment?

A Some people actually send out divorce announcements. Mostly, the details of the divorce are nobody's business, so you would not discuss them at work. You would tell friends one by one, writing short notes to out-of-town friends, also notifying them of your new address and numbers, if applicable. If the divorced person keeps the head high and smiles, co-workers will know that he or she is all right.

Relationships: Divorce: Communicating With the Children
Q My question pertains to my father and his mother, my grandmother. My parents recently divorced due to my father's infidelity. He and I rarely speak unless it is about my younger sisters. My grandmother is constantly in the middle of everything and tries to "stir the pot" about their split. I have asked her many times not to discuss anything about the divorce during our conversations, but she will not stop. I stopped talking to her about 3 months ago because of this. My birthday is this week and I received a card with a check inside from her and also one from my father. How should I respond? I clearly do not want to call her because I know where the conversation will go, but I do not want to be rude either. Is sending a thank-you card appropriate? What should I say to these two people whom I don't really have a relationship with anymore?

A In my opinion, you have to be careful about judging other people's relationships because you never really know the whole story, even if you think that you do. There might be facts that you don't know, just the way you don't want your younger sisters to know certain facts. A marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition. Rarely is it all one person's fault when communications break down. For the sake of your sisters, cut your grandmother and father some slack. Accept the checks and send a thank-you note saying that you will cash the checks under the condition that they promise not to discuss the details of the divorce with your sisters until they are old enough to ask their own questions and fully understand the answers. You cannot protect your sisters forever, and they will be curious. They might also resent you if you withhold information that would help them to understand the reasons that communication broke down between their parents. So: wait until they ask you and then tell them as much as you think they will understand, then when they get older and ask again, you can tell them more. I am sorry that your relationship with your grandmother has broken down because grandparents can be especially supportive of young adults whose parents are divorced. If you can find a way to bridge that gap between you and your grandmother do so as soon as possible. Put yourself in her shoes, she is supporting her son and trying to be supportive of you. The only way that you can stop your grandmother from discussing the divorce is to set boundaries and stick to them. Tell her that you want to have a relationship with her but she will have to promise that she will not discuss the divorce with you or with your sisters. If she breaks that promise, just say, "I don't want to discuss it." Once you've cut her off a couple of times and reminded her of her promise, she will have to play by your rules or she will lose contact with her grandchildren. The important thing is to keep communicating in order to communicate better. If you cut her off, that gap will grow wider and wider and the wider it gets the harder it will be to close that gap. As the eldest, the job of keeping your family together seems to have fallen on you, but you are not "your brother's keeper." At some point your sisters will have to face the facts. At some point you will have to forgive your father, which doesn't necessarily mean that you will forget. You will learn a lot from your parents' divorce, all of which will help you create your own solid relationships. Learn from their mistakes. Infidelity and criticism destroy relationships. Your father might not have thought that he was getting the attention that he felt that he needed from your mom. He should have communicated that to her. She would have responded positively, if she wanted to keep the marriage together. Who knows why he strayed but there was obviously a breakdown in communications. Silence is not a way to communicate. As I said, one never really knows what goes on in other people's relationships, therefore it is best not to judge your parents too harshly. If you turn your sisters against your father and grandmother, they might well resent you for robbing them of those ties. You can set boundaries and enforce them until you feel that your sisters are mature enough to understand all the facts. Your parents divorce is a huge opportunity for you to learn the importance of communicating effectively.

Relationships: Divvying Up the Family Jewels
Q After a death of a family member (mother), is there a proper way to divide jewelery between family members (sisters and sisters-in-law)?

A As I don't know the value of the jewelry or how many family members, I cannot give specific advice. However, one of the women might be put in charge of taking the jewelry for a professional appraisal. Each item would be listed and given an appraised price. Then the women might be sent an email or letter with the list asking them to send back the list putting their name after any and every piece they would be interested in along with number, 1 for first choice, 2 for second, etc. You might find that only one person wants one piece and four people want another. Here's where it gets tricky, if three people want the necklace with the three strands of pearls appraised at $3,000 and two people want the Cartier watch at $5,000, they would get a choice of other pieces worth a total of the pearls or watch. When that doesn't work, you might draw straws, flip a coin, or put the names of the piece of jewelry in a hat and chose that way. Traditionally, the jewelry would go to the women's daughters and granddaughters as it might be assumed that the deceased sister(s) and sister(s)-in-law have their own family jewelry; they might just get a memento of a gold brooch or silver bracelet, for instance.

Relationships: Do I Hug My Housekeeper
Q We weekend in a small country town where we have had the same housekeeper for over ten years and we like her and we're on a first name basis, but I do not feel that I have to hug her when I run into her at the market? We've also gotten to know her husband, who also does odd jobs for us, and we've watched her kids grow up. She also works for our friends and at parties she is often the person passing the food and drinks and we are wondering how exactly we are supposed to treat her? It would feel awkward giving her a hug every time we see her outside the house.

A You are right not to feel that you have to give your housekeeper some kind of a hug. What she wants is your respect. Call her by her first name, ask about her husband and children. In other words, treat her as an acquaintance without the physical contact. Listen to her woes, travails, and joys. You pay her to do her job. She doesn't expect a feel-good hug. When she offers you canapés at a cocktail party, acknowledge her by name and say something such as, "Anne, it is nice to see you. How are Jake and Alice?" That way you are not treating her as a non-person; you are acknowledging that you know her in a nonsocial way. Setting boundaries with those who work for you is not always easy, but it is necessary.

Relationships: Do I Order a Drink If My Host Hasn't Arrived?
Q A colleague invited me for drinks at his men's club. I arrived on time but he was late. The waiter offered me a drink and I ordered one and waited for my colleague; however I felt a bit awkward. Should I have waited until he arrived to order a drink? What does one do in a situation such as this and what if we had met in a restaurant?

A In a private club, the waiter who asked you if you wanted a drink was ostensibly acting as your friend's butler. It was perfectly correct for you to order a drink. If it hadn't been all right, the waiter wouldn't have asked, knowing that you weren't a member.

Had the meeting taken place in a restaurant, where you were the guest waiting for your host, you would ask for a glass of water and wait for your host to order the drinks.

On the other hand, if it was a date and he was late, I would have most certainly ordered a glass of champagne to sip while waiting for him to arrive.

Relationships: Do You Present Male Child Actors with Flowers
Q Is it appropriate to present a male child with flowers at the end of a play they are starring in?

A Children do not like to be humiliated, especially in front of their peers. Bake him some cookies to share with his buddies.

Relationships: Do You Send an Invitation When You Know They Are Unable to Attend
Q If you know that someone will be out of town on the day of your twin's first communion party and ceremony, do you still send them an invitation?

A It would depend upon the relationship. If the someone is the child's godparent, or relative, you might send them an invitation after the fact and include a photo of the child. Unless the someone is a best friend, sending an invitation to someone who knows you know they are unable to attend might feel like a bid to get a present. If the person has already decided to give your child a gift, it would not depend upon the invitation.

Relationships: Does Beau Celebrate Her Mother's Day
Q If you are dating a single mom, should you send Mother's Day flowers or a gift?

A My personal opinion is that the woman you are dating might think that your feelings towards her are maternal if you make a big deal out of Mother's Day. Let her children do the Mother's Day thing; however, you might make sure she is taken out to lunch, if the children are off on their own. You might not want her to think you are looking for mummy. However, flowers are always appreciated, just don't include a Mother's Day card.

Relationships: Does Ex-Wife Attend Ex-Sister-In-Law's Wake + Funeral
Q I have been divorced for two years and have two children by him. Last night my ex-sister-in-law died. My question is do I attend the wake and/or funeral? What is the proper etiquette for me? I have not spoke to my ex-mother-in-law in 2 years and she never called when we got divorced. Do I have an obligation to go? I know the right thing to do is pay my respects; however, I don't think they like me since I divorced their son even though he and I have a good relationship and are still friends...I sent a sympathy card to her and her family that lives at home with her..But I don't know if I need to do anything else... help.
Please advise

A In a perfect world, you might telephone your ex-husband and tell him that your heart tells you to go to the wake and funeral but you wanted to check with him first because it is his family. Alternatively, because you have kept up good relations with his friends, why not call one of them to ask them to find out for you?

Relationships: Does Man Drop Woman Before Parking
Q Should a man drop his wife off at door and then park?

A It would depend. If the woman didn't mind waiting for the man to return, then she might touch up her lipstick in the ladies room. There are times I like to be dropped and there are times when I don't want to walk into a party alone, especially if I don't know the crowd.

Relationships: Does She Return Gifts If She Broke It Off
Q I just ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend; I wonder if I should return b-day gifts and valentine gifts?

A You are under no obligation to return the gifts; however, if you do so, you are opening up the door to hearing a response from him. You might ask yourself if you want to continue a kind of emotional ping-pong game with a man you have decided after three years that you no longer want to be with. If you send back the gifts, it might make him more bitter because it might reinforce any notion he might have that you did not think it was good enough for you. The guy has been rejected, why would you want to rub his nose in it? If you have unresolved feelings about having broken up with him, talk to a therapist or your clergyman before you open that can of worms. Breaking up and then letting go are extremely hard to do; however, don't make the gifts he gave you a metaphor for the relationship. Move on, after three years you know that you gave it your best try.

Relationships: Does Stepdad Carry Luggage
Q When a stepdad is traveling with new wife and stepdaughter, should he help only his wife carry her luggage or also his fifteen-year-old stepdaughter's?

A It might depend upon the circumstances. For instance, if the stepdad has a history of back problems or has other health issues, you might not want him suffering over the luggage. If there is no bellboy in sight or self-help luggage cart to help him carry the luggage, the family might all pitch and work together with everyone carrying as much as he or she can manage.

Relationships: Does the Man or the Woman Go First on the Stairs
Q When your date and yourself come to a set of stairs, does the man or woman go first going down the stairs and does the man or woman go first going up the stairs?

A The man stands aside and let's the woman take the stairs first, whether they are ascending or descending the staircase.

If there is room for both the man and the woman to take the stairs side by side, then he lets the woman stand closest to the railing or/and wall. Presumably, because a woman wearing high heels can stabilize herself when she's close to the wall, should she lose her balance.

Relationships: Donating A Gift In Someone's Name
Q What's the proper wording when sending a donation in lieu of gifts for a bat mitzvah? It's the daughter of my husband's cousin. We do not have a good relationship, but I don't want to take it out on the poor girl.

A Unless the donation is for the girl to take "ownership" in a whale or other endangered species, or an indigent orphan whom she will get letters from or updates about, it doesn't sound as if the present is all about her. You say you don't want to take it out on the "poor girl," and yet if this is a donation to your favorite charity in her name, it really won't be a gift to which she can relate.

Make a donation to one of the many hugely interesting projects designed for people like you and the daughter of your husband's cousin and put it in her name. Then you can write her a sweet note of congratulations and tell her that she is now the proud sponsor of, say, a dolphin or gorilla and that she will get news updates about this animal called Charlie from time to time.

Relationships: Dress Code: Asking Someone About Their Outfit
Q Is is polite to ask someone where they got an outfit from?

A A gentleman would jokingly say, "Would you mind telling me who your tailor is?", which is kind of a joke because not many people go to tailors anymore to have suit made. If you are a woman, you would ask by saying, "I love your dress, whose is it?" By asking "whose is it?" you are complimenting the woman by assuming that it is a designer outfit. Women don't usually mind sharing that kind of information; most men don't remember.

Relationships: Drop-In Mother-In-Law
Q My mother-in-law thinks that she can just "drop in" whenever she likes. I think that it is inappropriate to visit anyone without first making a call. I have let her know my feelings about making a call before visiting, but she has ignored my request.

A You need to sit down with your mother-in-law next time she drops in, set some boundaries, and stick to them. Tell her that you are "just not a drop in on type of person" and though that may be her style, and you respect that, you do not like people just dropping in on you without calling first. Don't criticize her behavior, just explain to her that you have different lifestyles and she needs to respect yours because you respect hers. Be sure she understands what you are telling her. Tell her that you don't want her to take it personally, because it has nothing to do with her; you don't let any of your friends just drop by. Don't let her leave your house until she looks you in the eye and tells you she understands. Try to cut her a little slack, older people often do things without thinking about the consequences of their actions. Unfortunately, she just may be lonely and in search of company. Manners are based on compassion and consideration. Your mother-in-law needs to be more considerate and, perhaps, you might be more compassionate.

Relationships: Eagle Scout Gift at Ceremony
Q What, if any, is the etiquette for gift-giving at an Eagle Scout ceremony?

A Ask the scout master or one of the other parents. The last thing you want to do is be giving the scout a gift, when the other grownups haven't brought gifts for their scout. You can always give him the gift when you get home. If he spots another kid opening a gift, just say something such as this, "I have a present for you at home. I didn't want any hurt feelings in case there were any kids who weren't getting a gift." Then tell him how proud you are of all he's accomplished.

Relationships: Etiquette for 4 to 6-Year-Olds
Q Etiquette for four to six-year-olds?


A Etiquette for Four to Six-year-olds:

Eat a good breakfast so you are fast and smart.
Brush your teeth after breakfast.
Be sure your clothes are clean and your socks match.
Wear appropriate clothing for the weather.
Kiss and hug your parents good-bye.
Don't shove or push on the school bus.
Return a book to the library when you take a new one out.
If a younger child needs a seat, give him or her yours.
Hold the doors open in school for friends and teachers.
Don't be late for school.
Raise your hand and wait to be called on.
Thank people who pass out papers or materials.
Wait your turn in the lunch line.
Don't hit, shove, bite, or scream.
Use inside voices when inside, and outside voices outside.
Don't step on other kids feet or pull hair.
Wash your hands before lunch and after going to the restroom.
Thank people when they do something nice for you.
Be helpful to others.
Don't criticize anybody for anything.
Be kind.
Be considerate.
Remember to compromise when there is an argument.
Never get in a car of van with anyone you don't know, even if they say that they know your parent.
Answer the phone politely and be sure to get the caller's name and write down the number if the call is not for you.
Wash your hands before dinner.
Help put the food on the table and clear your own plate.
Ask permission to use the Internet.
Never let anybody in the house who is not expected or you don't know.
Tell a grown-up when you go outdoors where you will be playing. If you move to a different spot, tell them.
Don't let anybody touch you in your private place, even if it is a parent, baby- sitter, babysitter's boyfriend or your brother or sister.
Tell a grownup if someone touches you inappropriately.
If somebody you don't know grabs you, scream as loud as you can and don't stop screaming until they let you go.
Leave the bathroom as tidy as you found it.
Put your dirty clothing in the laundry.
Tidy up your room.
Lay out your clothes for the morning.
Pack your school bag for the morning.
Kiss your parents good-night.
Always tell your parents the truth.
Smile and you'll be happy.

Relationships: Etiquette for Birth of Baby to Gay Couple
Q What is the proper etiquette for the birth of a baby to a gay couple?

A Babies come into our lives today in so many different ways (natural birth, adoption, surrogate mothers …), but regardless of how it happens, the birth of a child is a wonderful event that deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated regardless of the parents’ sexual orientation. Baby showers, baby gifts, congratulatory notes and other kind gestures are all appreciated, and most do not need to vary for a gay couple, a straight couple or a single parent. The wording on birth announcements can be adjusted fairly easily. Gifts and cards can be addressed to the baby. The couple will need to decide who's responsible for thank-you notes, as well as other more substantive issues. What will be the child's last name? Will one parent be referred to as “mom” and the other “Aunt Julia” or will both be referred to as “mom.” If the DNA parent is known, will he or she have a role in the child's life? The answers to these questions are unique to each situation and can only be resolved by the couple themselves. Respect their decisions, don't hesitate to ask questions and let them know that you're happy to be part of the celebration.

Relationships: E-World Etiquette: E-Mail Condolence Cards
Q Is it proper to send an e-mail card when a good friend's mother dies?

A No, I do not think that it is proper to send an e-mail card when a good friend's mother dies; however, as we move deeper into the digital age the rules are changing to fit the lifestyle and we must all adjust our expectations. Why not acknowledge your friend's expression of sympathy with a good old-fashioned, heartfelt, handwritten note?

Relationships: Excluding Rude Niece + Nephew
Q My adult niece and nephew are sent a personal invitation to all events; they never rsvp and they never bring a gift. Their parents always include them on their card and, when they come and bring there boyfriend and girlfriend, they go off and sit in the corner. They do not socialize with other guests and they act very childish. I do not want to invite them to my child's upcoming baptism because of their ill manners. Do I have to invite them or not? Thank you for the help. Connie

A A baptism is a deeply religious ceremony and a perfect opportunity to show young people how families behave. As a mother and aunt, you are a role mother for your family's behavior so if you exclude your niece and nephew from a family ritual, what message are you really giving them? I am a big fan of going up the ladder and using these family situations to bring family members together and put aside ill feelings. Good manners and etiquette are based on compassion and consideration. Whether you invite your niece and nephew or not is a question only you can answer because you are their role model.

Relationships: Expecting a Thank-You Note
Q I took 3 friends out to dinner and asked them to order what they would like. Should I have received a thank you note from them?

A These days you might not expect a thank-you note; however, they might have telephoned the next day to thank you and to say that they will get back to you to set up a dinner soon. They also might say something kind about the restaurant, the food, the other guests, or you. Your kind invitation to dine was a social bid and in order for them to sustain the relationship, they have to reciprocate. They probably know this. However, it might take several months, perhaps up to a year, for them to do so. Don't take their rudeness personally just yet, because they might not have the time or funds to reciprocate and therefore feel embarrassed. As a friend said to me a long time ago, in friendship overtime it all evens out. Friendships have an ebb and flow, so go with the flow.

Relationships: Extended Families
Q My ex-wife and I are throwing a graduation party for our son. We were separated for 2 1/2 years and now divorced for 14 months. The woman I am seeing for 4 months is invited to the party, and the ex-wife does not want her there. The party is being held at my house. She says she is not ready to see me with someone else. The divorce was her idea, she no longer wanted to be married to me. Is it right that she should not be invited?

A I thought that you said that this graduation party was for your son. Make the party all about your son and not about your relationship with your ex-wife and your new partner. Ask the woman whom you've been seeing for four months to understand that the party is all about your son. Tell her that in time it is your intention to celebrate your son's success with your partner, as well as your ex-wife. If she doesn't understand that, she's not ready for a stepchild. Explain that the party is all about your son and if his mother is going to be stressed out and tense about attending the party, your son will be, too. You, your wife, and your current partner are role models of behavior to your son. Many families learn to except new members in time. It has been my experience that in her own time and in her own way, your ex-wife will except your new partner but forcing the friendship at your son's graduation party is not the way to go. In many situations such as this, the two women end up bonding over such simple things as your son's marriage, graduate degree, or his children and actually become friends. Many extended families even celebrate holidays together. Everyone has to look at the big picture here. If you insist on your new partner attending, your wife might not show up and then your son will blame you and resent your current partner. You might try encouraging your ex-wife to invite a friend to bring to the party, if you want to give it another try. I am sorry, I know you are not going to like this answer, but it sounds as if your wife isn't going to share her son's big success with your current woman just yet. In time she will.

Relationships: Extended Families: Funerals
Q My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over 16 years. I am remarried, for 12 years and my ex is remarried for 5 years. His wife has passed away after a long battle with cancer- they do not have any children together; however my ex and I share two teenaged sons. My question is, do I attend the funeral? With or without my current husband? Do I send flowers? If so, how do I address the card? There has been A LOT of animosity between not only my ex and me (until recently when we've resolved issues), but also between his deceased wife and me (she's always been negative towards my sons). My ex's family has not spoken to me or acknowledged me ever since our divorce 16 years ago. What do I do?? Thank you for any help you can offer.

A Your ex-husband's wife is dead so she is no longer an issue. As you said yourself, past issues have been resolved. You and your sons' father are role models of behavior for your sons. They are watching your behavior. Take the high road and you will be teaching your sons to do the same. You do not necessarily have to attend the funeral. Personally, I think that it is hypocritical to attend the funeral of someone that you didn't like. On the other hand, if your sons need you to accompany them to the funeral because they want to attend, then you would go in support of your sons. The only obligation that you have towards your husband is to be a good role model to your sons. You can write him a heartfelt, handwritten note telling him that you are deeply sorry for his loss. Then you can tell your sons about your letter. How you deal with your ex-husband's family after all these years is indeed a dilemma. If you do go to the funeral and you are approached by a member of his family, then by all means be warm and sincere. Especially if your sons are watching. I would say that because there was such bitterness, you would not have your new husband escort you, but instead, you would attend with your sons. Even though your ex-husband's family shut you out after the divorce, it doesn't meant that they are unwilling to open that door again. Sometimes people need an excuse to start communicating again. Often funerals are an opportunity to kiss and makeup, which of course would be the ideal situation for your sons. Showing your sons that extended families can reunite will bode them well in fostering good will in all their past, present, and future relationships.

Relationships: Extended Families: The Family Gathering
Q When having a "Family Gathering" (ie. a dinner or a Holiday gathering), is it appropriate to invite the 'X' Mrs. Smith when there is a 'New' Mrs. Smith?

A Nowadays, you'll find that we've come a long way in learning to except the new spouse. Remember that as adults we are the role models of behavior for the younger generations. Many a time I have found that the new spouse, who was once scorned, in good time becomes a beloved member of the family. A friend of mine was banded from her stepdaughter's wedding; two years after the wedding the women are best of friends. Not only that, but the bride's mother and the stepmother have bonded over the new baby. Family gatherings, therefore, are really for the children. If the children are uncomfortable with the "New" Mrs. Smith, then she will have to sit gracefully and graciously on the sidelines until the time is ripe for her to participate in the gathering. Is it appropriate to invite her? If the children feel comfortable having her around, then it is appropriate.

Relationships: Ex-Wife Wants to Attend Ex-Husband's Cousin's Funeral
Q My friend, who is separated, soon to be divorced wanted me to ask you about her attending the funeral of her ex-husband's cousin. My friend's daughter, who is 20, wants her mother to go with her to the funeral but her ex-husband has contacted my friend and told her he does not think she should attend the funeral because it would upset the family members. His mother had already told my friend she did not have a problem with her attending the funeral. What do you think? By the way, she was married to this man for a total of 22 years - two separate times.

A Since the only reason your friend knows the ex-husband's cousin is through the ex-husband and the ex-husband has made it very clear that he does not want his ex-wife to attend, then she needs to understand that he is establishing
boundaries. Recently I was at the funeral of an old friend's husband and her ex-husband was there. My friend asked me to tell her ex-husband that she did not want him to go to the reception, which followed the funeral. Funerals and weddings should be a time for families to patch up and let go of bad feelings but at a funeral, when emotions are particularly delicate, it might not be a good idea to push the ex-husband's buttons. Perhaps your friend might try another event in which to reestablish family relations. The daughter is twenty and old enough to go alone, or she can go with her father. Your friend can send a handwritten note to the cousin's spouse or mother but she might not mention not attending the funeral. All she needs to say is that she was "unable to attend." Your friend needs to be a good role model to her daughter and teach her the proper way to handle difficult situations such as this.

Relationships: Ex-Wives + Mother-in-Law
Q Is it inappropriate for my husband's ex-wife and mother of their grown children to insist on staying for extended visits with his mother after she has been asked not to by my husband's brother and his wife and me?

A It is highly inappropriate for your husband's ex-wife to stay with your mother-in-law unless they have become close friends. If they are not close friends, your mother-in-
law's children need to sit down with her and explain to her that it makes them unhappy when they hear she has been housing the ex-wife.

You need to remember that your mother-in-law's hospitality may be genuine and have nothing do to with her children or you. She simply may be lonely and finds the ex-wife enjoyable company. She may long to hear stories of her grandchildren and spend time with them. It may be annoying to you, but it may, in fact, be a healthy relationship for the mother-in-law and the grandchildren.

Relationships: Family as House Guests
Q My sister-in-law and her daughter are pressing my husband daughter, and myself to vacation with them and my niece would like to visit more frequently. I find both of them lack manners, but my niece is absolutely intolerable. She is the epitomy of "slovenly". During her last visit, she would leave the toilet seat up and flush, wouldn't get up until noon, shower until before dinner (if she bothered showering at all), never made her bed, wore very tight, revealing clothing, would somehow work the word "pee" into every sentence, expounded on a variety of inappropriate subjects at the dinner table often involving bodily functions, did not help set or clear the table once, slothed with her dirty bare feet on the the furniture all day long, sneezed and wiped her nose in her blouse at the table...you get the picture? She is not yet of legal drinking age yet her mother would lie for her at restaurants and liquor stores so she could consume alcohol. In my opinion they both have issues and, aside from not wanting to spend my hard earned vacation time with them, or put up with them in my house, my daughter is a very well mannered teen and I do not want her exposed to these people. I am determined not to vacation with them but I am wondering if my niece asks to stay again if perhaps I should tactfully bring up the subject about her general behavior having some deficiencies and that she would be welcome to stay not as a guest but as a family member subject to the house rules and standards? I feel someone should make an attempt to guide and parent this poor girl...

A Since I don't know the exact ages of your daughter and your niece, this is a rather general answer. You might want to speak to your sister-in-law directly when you are alone. Say that you don't feel that your niece is a particularly good role model for your daughter. (Now, of course, this won't work, if your daughter is older than your niece.) You can say that you are concerned that you and she have different parenting styles. Tell her that you've set boundaries for your daughter that her daughter doesn't seem to have, and therefore you feel that relationships are strained when your daughter has to obey the house rules and your niece doesn't. sk her to understand that it becomes awkward when there are different standards for behavior under the same roof.

It is possible that your sister-in-law sees the difference in the behavior of the two young ladies and wants her daughter to behave more like yours. There is that old saying, "Your friends rub off on you." In other words, she might be hoping that your daughter's good behavior will rub off on her daughter and that her daughter will benefit from being in her and your company, because you are both well-mannered.

Have a discussion with your sister-in-law about differences in parenting skills in general. During that conversation you can set ground rules by saying, "We would love to have you and your daughter visit; however, when she's here, she will have to follow 'house rules.' If my daughter has to make her bed, shower every day, get up before ten in the morning, flush the toilet, clear the table, help with the dishes and have good manners, then your daughter has to do the same. If we set standards of behavior and don't uphold them, then those standards won't be respected by our daughter."

End the conversation by saying that you would love to have them come to stay for, say, two days to see if "we" can make this work. Then listen to what your sister-in-law has to say. It might be too stressful for your niece to spend time in your household, if she has to abide by your codes of conduct and dress code. Then you are off the hook. There are three words you will need to keep in mind while working out this family problem, and they are compassion, consideration, and compromise.

Let's face it, your niece needs guidance. But will she resent you for forcing her to adhere to your rules? On the other hand, you have a perfect right to enforce the no alcohol rule. If she is under twenty-one years of age, you should not be allowing her to consume alcohol in your home, because it is against the law. You can also lay down the rule banning bathroom talk and dirty words.

As I said, this is a rather broad answer. I want you to do the right thing here and not alienate your family, but make your family ties stronger.

One last point--and it is a big one. I know that you know this, but do remember that criticism destroys relationships, so you need to sandwich the positive with the negative, then be positive. I know that's hard to do, especially in this situation, but try to preface any criticism with a compliment, then end with a compliment.

Relationships: Family Charity in Tough Times
Q I have a gift certificate I have been asked either to give to my neighbor (a family in need) or purchase food items for them. Both parents use tobacco, and there is the risk of the money going toward that rather than the intended food for the kids/school lunches. I don't know if it is my place to choose food items for them (nor do I have much time to do that, to be honest) and I don't wish to take away their free agency. What should I do?

A If the family doesn't know that they have the option, and you fear for the health of the children as well as the parents who smoke, then take the time to buy them groceries.

Ideally, you could ask one of the family members to go shopping with you so that they could pick out food and supplies that the family usually use. If you could tell the mother, say, that you have a gift certificate and you would like to take her grocery shopping, she wouldn't necessarily question whether or not she could shop on her own, because she will be so grateful for the provisions. Alternatively, you could ask her to give you a shopping list.

Relationships: Family Dinners When Family Members Don't Get Along
Q Jack and laura are father-in-law and daughter-in-law... How should a family event be handled if there is a confrontation going on with 2 people? It is Thanksgiving dinner at a country club for 14 people and soon the father-in-law is confronting the daughter-in-law about an argument from the month prior. As the daughter-in-law Laura keeps her voice low and tries to stay very reasonable to explain the interpretation that Jack is making - how it is very extreme and judgemental and Jack and Laura cannot get anywhere. Laura is a psychotherapist but Jack has no appreciation for her efforts - sees her as attacking. The mother jumps up hysterically to confront the two threatening that they are ruining the evening. The mother-in-law runs out crying and a family friend, Rebecca, shouts to (her best friend) Laura that she should kiss and make up instantly. The conversation dropped....

A The family should give the father-in-law and the daughter-in-law time apart to sort out their feelings before putting them together again. Next time seat them at opposite ends of the table. If alcohol seems to be a factor, then keep the bottle of wine out of their reach and limit the pre and post-cocktails. Beforehand, you can just say to one of them, "If you think that being at the same table with Elizabeth (Harry) will disrupt the family party, then perhaps you should discuss the problem in private before the dinner." Then you can say, "It isn't fair to the rest of the family to make us all focus on your arguing." Try to get them to agree that it is alllright to disagree, and that they must respect one another's opinions.

Relationships: Family Gatherings: Controlling Outburts
Q We are having a family gathering at a meal - upmarket restaurant - and my sister (aged 45) starts getting verbally cross about something at the table. She gets loud and it causes a scene because people at other tables will hear this. I find it humiliating. She doesn't swear but she uses clever strong language. She is a solicitor for the Crown Prosecution Service and I guess in court she is very impressive. She also pays for these meals, as she is wealthier than other family members, and this is what she does when she comes down to this area. She is 5 years older than I am. (I am a care assistant.) How do I /We deal with this? She knows she's doing this.

A It sounds as though getting verbally cross has become a personality trait for your sister. She works in a tough world with even tougher men and women and as they say, "Your friends wear off on you." It also sounds as if she has "fire in her belly" that gives her an edgy anger--a good trait in her line of work, but not at family gatherings.

Sadly, she carries her work persona with her. How to deal with her cross outbursts is a challenge. Since you're her sister and you are only trying to improve family dynamics, you are entitled to try a couple of tactics to help her see that you're all very uncomfortable with her behavior.

Try this: next time there is a family meal in a restaurant, sit next to her, if possible to her right so that you have her right ear. A person's right ear is supposed to be more sensitive to listening and this is important because I want you to use a low, soft voice, but I want you to be sure that she hears you. Then when she starts getting verbally cross lay your hand gently over hers and say, "Kate, please, take it down a couple of notches. We're your family (or, you're with your family). You don't have to talk that loudly, we can all hear what you're saying."

Yes, this is a controlling way to get her to calm down. Nevertheless, think of it this way: if she were a small child that became boisterous, you would say, "Inside voice, please." And if the child didn't take it down a couple of notches, you would remove the child from the stimulus. In this case, you speak kindly to your sister--almost under your breath. Not in an admonishing voice, but more in a voice of caution as if she was out of control--which she probably is.

If your sister overreacts to your comment, reiterate your concern. Don't criticize her directly because criticizing destroys relationship, as you no doubt know. Showing your concern will slow her down and she'll think for a long time afterwards about the fact that you interrupted her rage.

If you are not seated next to her, lift both of your hands at the same time palms down in the air a foot over your plate (as if to hush the gatherers) and bring both palms down about six inches, then up six inches then down six inches as you say, "Kate, please take it down a couple of notches this is a family gathering"

Sitting next to her is best because she'll think that you are less likely to be deliberately humiliating her in front of other family members, if you pat her hand and speak soothingly just to her, rather than speaking loud enough for everyone at the table to hear you. Needless to say, it wouldn't matter if those nearby heard you.

If she lashes out at you for trying to placate her, repeat what you just said slowly and softly while looking her in the eyes.

Alternatively, have a face-to-face conversation with your sister by meeting with her over coffee, or following her to the ladies' room during the family gathering meal. Just say, "Kate, you're scaring us when you're so loud. Please, take it down a couple of notches at family gathering." You can go on and recommend that she leave her work at the office, but she should pick up on your concern before you have to elaborate. If she becomes defensive, say, "You're my sister, I love you and care about you."

Relationships: Family Members Pitted Against Each Other
Q What do I do when my husband's sister continually causes problems, trying to pit family members against my husband and me? This is my husband's sister and as of yet he has done nothing about it. We have been married 27 years, his mother did the same thing and now her daughter is exactly the same way. We have many family members who have kind of written us off because of things she has said and done. To me this is evil. Please help.

A Unfortunately, you are involved with a situation that cannot be changed, but it can be handled. As you have noticed, there is a pattern here and old habits are difficult to break. We are role models of behavior for the younger generation, and your sister has learned this behavior and passed it on. Having been brought up with this behavior as the norm, your husband doesn't realize that nice people don't behave like this. Usually I say that bad behavior should be ignored, but in this case the behavior is harming family relationships. If you have the strength, why not take your sister out to lunch and tell her how you feel. Ask her how you both can stop this cycle of criticism. Remind her that criticism destroys relationships. Enlist her help. Say to her, "Help me to understand why members of the family are constantly pitting family members against each other?" Ask her if she realizes this and ask her what she thinks about the problem. If you can engage her into a conversation by asking her questions, then you will make her think about her own actions. Without knowing her, I would guess that she is jealous of you and perhaps jealous of your solid relationship with your husband. Maybe family members like you more than they like her. If, say, you are prettier or richer, she might be jealous.

Relationships: Father + Daughter: Communication
Q My fiancé's daughter, she is 15 years old, has not truly communicated to him for approximately 3.5 months. He has tried to communicate with her and she has not responded. Most communications have been e-mails from his ex-wife on small tidbits or her asking for monetary assistance for one thing or another. An e-mail has come to his attention from his ex-wife that she, his daughter, would like a class ring from school and would he contribute? He states and I agree that she should request his help herself. The response he had received was an e-mail from his daughter addressed not only to him but to her mother with whom she lives. I feel as does he that this is improper. She than tried to call him at his office when he was extremely busy and her mother was beside her and he told her that he was quite busy and asked that she call him herself at home. She has not and he has told her through e-mail that he would be available for her if she phones after work hours. Now there is a hold-off between all of them. It is still my opinion and his that properly she, the daughter, request assistance in this herself without Mom being always in the background telling her what to say. Is e-mail a correct way (she only lives a few minutes from us) or should she speak with him directly? Thank you

A You are to be commended for trying to resolve a sticky situation between your fiance's daughter and your fiance. As a stepmother and mother, I understand the problem all too well. What we all have to learn is that parents and children, whether there is divorce or not, have to establish their own relationships. It must be a wrench to have to sit back and watch the ex-wife and daughter try to negotiate with your fiance. You are right to insist that the problem is between the father and daughter. Nevertheless, if communication between father and daughter is murky, it is especially important that they try to work out problems such as this on their own. In the child's defense, she is not asking for an iPod or body pierce, she is asking to have the same advantage as her classmates to be bonded by a class ring. Especially in situations of divorce, the child's circle of friends becomes an extended family. The classmates accept her for who she is; she is not used as a pawn for more child support. The daughter might be afraid of further rejection by the father, so you would not want the ring to become a metaphor for the relationship. The father needs to pick up the phone and make a lunch date with his daughter at a place where they can have a leisurely conversation about her school work, her sports, college plans, goals, and extra curricular activities, as well as about dances and her social life. He should know and meet her friends, if he doesn't know them already. As you know, grown-ups are role models of behavior for the young. If the dad makes a real effort to communicate with his daughter and focus on being a really good listener, he will be making it safe for his daughter to communicate with him, as well as with others---such as teachers, bosses, boyfriends, spouses, and her own children. At fifteen, she should have her own relationship with her father separate from you and her mother. If you do not encourage strong communication in this father-daughter relationship, they will both resent you in the end.

You ask for the correct way of asking for help. The father needs to learn how to listen to his daughter in order for her to feel that she can talk to him. It sounds as if the father needs encouragement to spend more time communicating with his daughter so that he can teach her, by responding to her, how to communicate. You are correct in that the child should have made the request; however, for whatever reasons the child apparently did not have the courage, self-confidence, and the social skills to ask for the money herself. Surely the child is not at fault. It is our duty as parents to teach these skills. When the nuclear family is no longer together, the three have to make an extra special effort to teach those interfamily communication skills. The mother seems to be enabling the child by asking for money for her daughter. Perhaps, but that is a mother's instinct and we can't fault her for that. When one parent does not live up to his duties as a parent, the other parent has to pick up the slack.

The correct way for the daughter to ask for money for the ring would be if the father, on their weekly visit, asks her if she needs anything. He needs to make it safe for her to talk about money as well as about school, her mother, her social life, her goals, and her future. When the daughter feels that she can open up and safely say what's on her mind, the father will respond in kind. He will explain that he cannot afford to help her buy the ring but they could negotiate. He might ask her if it would be all right if the ring was an early birthday or Christmas present. Correct manners and etiquette are all about compassion, compromise and consideration. The ring might seem silly to him, but to her it is a bond with her classmates and anything that has to do with school participation should be supported because inevitably it is her good education that will make her independent. All four of you need to look at the big picture here.

What ever happens, do not let the class ring become a metaphor for the relationship between the father and the daughter. Let this be a bonding experience. Soon she is going to have to ask him for help in going to college, filling out financial aid forms, and eventually helping her pay for her first apartment or at the very least help her sign the lease for it, and then there is her wedding. Let the class ring be a learning experience for them both. If there is no money for the ring, make a compromise about how the money can be earned. When the daughter is no longer legally under child support there will still be times when the father will have to step up to the plate and help his daughter to become independent. Let that start now.

Relationships: Father Dealing with Rude Daughter
Q In dining with my wife, daughter (33 years old) and son-in-law (34 years old)...I'm talking and my daughter asks my wife a question. Is this rude to start another conversation while I'm talking?

A On the face of it, interrupting you to start a new conversation is rude but without knowing the circumstances it is hard to say. It could be that what you were saying embarrassed her or opened a controversy that she just didn't want to talk about. Cut her some slack, don't take it personally. She is your daughter and if you continue to go up the ladder with her, she will continue to love her Dad.

Relationships: Fathers + Daughters
Q I LOVE MY ONLY DAUGHTER. BUT, WHEN, AT HER AGE OF 33, DOES IT STOP. SHE IS MY ONLY CHILD. I HAVE 2 OTHER STEP- DAUGHTERS. I HAVE PAID FOR EVERYTHING. COLLEGE, WEDDING, ETC, ETC. NOW, SHE IS HAVING A CHILD. WHAT AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR????? HELP;!

A I understand your frustration. When does the obligation stop? It stops when you draw the line. As you know, setting boundaries with adult children is important mental health. You are not responsible for supporting your daughter's child. Set boundaries early on. For instance, you can set up a college fund when your daughter's baby is born; in celebration of each birthday, give the child the amount of money of the birthday, adding a zero or two. So for the first birthday, you can deposit one dollar, ten dollars, one hundred dollars, or a thousand, for the second birthday two dollars, twenty dollars, two hundred, or two thousand, etc. Make it crystal-clear that this is what you plan to do until your grandchild is eighteen or twenty-one, and then the money is hers/his.

If you have a plan, you're setting boundaries. Also, remember that it is always good to remind your ex-wife and daughter of all that you have done. There is nothing wrong with reminding them of what you have done in the past when they ask you for more. I wonder if there is some jealousy/competition about how much you are giving to your two stepdaughters. At some point, you might want to tell your daughter that she has always been and will always be your number one and only daughter. That way she won't always be testing the depth of your love. Why her mother is still her advocate in your relationship with your daughter is something that you might want to discuss at some point with both of them. As you say, your daughter is 33.

Set boundaries and stick to them.

By putting money into a college fund, you are setting priorities. You are establishing values for your child and grandchild. No, you don't want to buy another silly toy for the child, but, yes, you will give a small set amount in celebration of the birth and subsequent birthdays. This system is used quite successfully in many families here and abroad.

Relationships: Fiancee Taking Trip with In-Laws
Q My fiance's birthday is coming up and his mother always takes him skiing for a week. It's a family trip and in the past friends have accompanied him as well. This year he invited me. This will be my first time meeting his family and I want to make a proper impression. Should I bring a thank-you gift (she is paying for the condo and all the resort amenities)?

A It is difficult to buy a gift for someone you do not know. A present of a luxurious box of hand-milled French soaps is an elegant and useful present, as well as an appropriate one; plus, it will travel well. A best-selling novel or mystery is also a great gift to bring because book stores are rare at ski resorts. The important thing to do is to help out if they are preparing family meals, and to write a thank-you note when you return home.

Relationships: Firing the Coach
Q My daughter would like to switch skating coaches. How do I explain this to the coach that she wants to drop him and do I give him any advanced notice like a week or more to adjust his schedule?

A It is courteous to give at least a week's notice or you might be liable for the fee, if the coash is not able to fill the time slot.

Be perfectly frank with the coach. Start by telling him something good about how he has helped your daughter, if you can. Otherwise, just skip to the honest truth and tell him why she is leaving to go to another coach. It is a kind way of helping him to understand how he failed with your daughter so that he will not make the same mistake(s) again.

Relationships: Flirting
Q Is it rude if I complement my boyfriend's friend right in front of him? My boyfriend thought I was rude and I was flirting. I thought I was being nice.

A Once was fine and friendly, do it again and you'll be sending the message that you are attracted to your boyfriend's friend. Your boyfriend was picking up on the fact that you connected with his friend and that disturbed him. Sometimes it is best to drop the subject, so: don't let him make a big deal out of this. Apparently, he feels insecure around you when you're with other men, which sounds as if it is more his problem than yours.

Relationships: Flowers for a Blind Date
Q Is it proper to bring flowers on a blind date?

A It would help to know a bit more about how you came to have the blind date. For instance, if you met her online and her name is Rose, I guess you could bring her a rose, if that's your style. Personally, I would say that you would come off seeming way too desperate if you brought flowers to her door without having laid eyes on her. It would be better if you paid for her meal or took a cab, if it is raining, rather than spend it on flowers. However, if you are going to her house for dinner, then by all means bring flowers.

Relationships: Former Husband's Girlfriend
Q My long-time ex (with whom I don`t get along) and his girlfriend and I are friends. My daughter is an artist. She has a reception for the opening of some of her new paintings. Neither I or her father will be able to attend. His girlfriend wants to support her and go. She has asked what I feel she should do. She is in good standing with my children (all are married with children of their own). Would if be too soon if she should go alone?

Also, I was thinking about sending my daughter flowers (cut) at the reception. Should I opt for a delivery for a home vase thing instead or go with the cut flowers? What is proper? Thanks!

A Art gallery openings are fairly casual events. Although they can be big in size, the dress code is dressy casual. Cut flowers sent to the gallery sound lovely. You might want to send her favorite color knowing that the color will appear in some of the paintings. Why not give the gallery the heads-up so that they will be sure to have an appropriate vase on hand in which to arrange the flowers? Be sure the flowers arrive early in the day or, even better, the day before so that they have time to open up.

It is fine for your husband's girlfriend to support your daughter by attending the opening of her exhibition. Not to worry. Eventually, I hope you get to view the exhibition while the paintings are still up in the gallery. It's a very big deal, as you know, to show your paintings in a gallery and have an opening.

Relationships: Former Wife's Assets
Q My ex-wife passed away. We had a child together who "received a lot of money" at his mother's funeral. Who should control it, Grandma (ex-wife's mom) or the father of the child? The child was 23 months old at the time.

A Who has custody of the child? The person who has custody of the child is usually given control of the money because that person has to support that child. You need to find out if your former wife had a will and get a copy of it.

Relationships: Friend Needs More Rent from Friend
Q I have a second home and can afford to pay the mortgage on it; however I have a friend who lives there full-time. She has paid a minimal amount for over a year and a half. How do I ask her to help out a little more ?

A Start with subtly reminding her how much you have enjoyed having her use the house for a year and a half but you have to discuss with her the fact that she will have to pay you more if she wants to continue living there. Ask her how much she thinks she might be able to pay over the minimal amount she is now paying and listen to what she says. Let her come up with a plan because it may take her awhile to adjust her budget. If she says she cannot pay more, you will have to decide how long you will give her to find a new place to live. At that point, she might come up with an offer. If not, you've got your house back. It is hard to be consistent and compassionate at the same time.

Relationships: Friend Only Calls While Eating
Q What do you say to a person that will only make the telephone call when she is eating her "breakfast" or "dinner" - we both live alone.

A Often people eat because they are lonely. Calling you may be filling the void he/she feels; calling you makes them feel less hungry. You might say, "I've observed that you only seem to make phone calls while you're eating, what's up with that?" Be sure you are alone with the person when you ask them this because you would not want to humiliate them in front of another person. You might suggest that your friend read a newspaper or magazine or book while he/she eats. Calling you no matter what he/she is doing at the time is a social bid. If you don't accept the call by saying you are on your way out the door or are "busy," you will be rejecting the bid to socialize, perhaps that will make your friend think before dialing while eating. In friendships we need to work out a balance; your friend needs to be more considerate and you might be more compassionate.

Relationships: Friends Behaving Badly
Q A group of 4 people are sitting at a table during lunch. One of those people was not invited to a party all the others will be attending. One woman seems to enjoy discussing the upcoming party in front of the person who was not invited. I'd like to make her understand how rude this is. I believe she enjoys doing this because it makes her feel important by making others feel less important because it happens frequently. What should be said to her, if anything. Thank you.

A Nasty. In private, why not ask her point blank if she knew that so-and-so had not been invited to the party? If she admits that she knew, then ask her if she thinks it might have been hurtful to so-and-so to bring up the party when she was the only one not invited? Listen to how she responds. Unfortunately, all you can do is question her reasoning. Do not criticize her behavior. She knows she behaved badly. Next time this friendzilla brings up a party to which others in the group have not been invited, why not speak up and say out loud, "We shouldn't be talking about a party that we've all not attended (or been invited)." That should put a damper on the discussion. Remember that this friendzilla has been brought up to behave in this fashion. But just because she imitates the bevavior of members of her family, it is not an excuse for behaving badly. You are right, if she consistently, intentionally tries to hurt people, she should be made accountable for her behavoir, but do so by questioning her behavior, not criticizing it outright and you'll have more success.

Relationships: Friends Thanking Friends
Q I watched my girlfriend's little son for several days. She went on vacation with her husband to the Bahamas. She sent a beautiful thank-you note along with a three stuffed animals for my three boys, a $150 spa gift certificate, and another $100 for me and my husband to go out to eat. Would it be appropriate for me to send her a thank-you note? Said another way, should I send her a thank-you note in response to her thank-you note?

A In my opinion, you would not send a thank-you note for a thank-you present in this instance because your gift to her was an act of friendship and over the life of a friendship things tend to even out. You don't want a Ping-Pong of thank-you notes, but when you speak with her next you can tell her how much you appreciate the gifts.

Relationships: Friends Who Drink + Dial
Q I have a really good friend who gets lonely when her husband is out of town on business and so she calls me to chat. I can handle it for the first hour, but I truly don't know how to handle the situation. How do you get a needy friend off the phone?

A The fact that you put up with this for an hour is admirable. Call waiting is great because you can always fake it and say you have another call. However, I know from experience that sometimes they need your friendship. So: say, "I hate to love and leave you but I've got to go."

Relationships: Funeral Acknowledgments
Q Could you please tell me the time frame of acknowleging cards/flowers/baskets sent for a funeral? Also, do you usually send cards to those who sent only cards?

A Expressions of sympathy are not only a condolence but a social bid. In order to sustain the relationship, you might want to acknowledge all expressions of sympathy. You have up to two months to make these acknowledgments; however, you can telephone some of these people, or if you see them in person, you can mention their nice card, but all expressions of sympathy need to be acknowledged in order to sustain the relationship.

Relationships: Funeral Code
Q My friend's father died yesterday and I am unsure of the proper etiquette to show my support and love. Do I bring food? What do I do, but I don't want to seem intrusive.

A It depends how close you are to the friend and the religious affiliation. Telephone a closer friend to the friend who is suffering the loss or a family member to ask what you should do. Some traditions call for visiting the immediate family, others clearly do not so you need to understand the funeral code of the family. If there is a wake or a shiva, you would attend and show your respect. Your local newspaper will give you the contact information.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette
Q My husband's previous employer (the owner of the company) lost his son to cancer and the funeral is coming up. Do we need to attend as a couple or is my husband's attendance only acceptable?

A It would, of course, depend upon your family's relationship with your husband's previous employer's family. If you attend the same church, you would go to the funeral. However, if the relationship is really a past relationship and the relationship hasn't been sustained since your husband left the company, there is no reason that you have to go to funeral.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette for Ex-In Laws
Q Without attending an ex-in-law's funeral, what is proper flowers: card or nothing?



A It would depend upon your relationship with the ex-in-law at the time of his death. If you did not attend the funeral because you were not welcome and your ex asked you not to attend, then it is up to you if you still want to send a card. If you were connected with the deceased and wish to sustain a relationship with the spouse and/or the family, especially if the deceased is a grandparent to your children, then you might send flowers or a card with a few personalized sentences.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: Acknowledgements
Q When is it appropriate to send thank you notes for a funeral? We have received 100's of sympathy cards in addition to the contributions, flowers, etc.

A It is customary to send acknowledgments to all those who have sent cards, letters, contributions and flowers. Often the funeral parlor will give you acknowledgments to send out. Othewise you can find them in quality stationery stores, or, nowadays, you can have them printed up in a timely fashion. If printing them up, you might use a seven by five inch (approximately) piece of good ecru (off white) paper folded in half so you can write a personal note inside; on the lower half you might have printed in black script these words:

The family of
(add the first, middle and last name of the deceased)
deeply appreciates and gratefully
acknowledges your kind expression
of sympathy

These can be divvied up between various members of the family to use as thank-you notes; they have the option of writing a couple of personalized sentences inside before the family member signs her name, should they feel so moved to do so.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: Business Etiquette
Q Is it OK to send an e-mail thank-you instead of sending one in the mail to people from work who sent sympathy cards to me when my father passed away?

A If they sent you a sympathy email card, then you might send them an email acknowledging their card. However, if they sent an actual sympathy card through the postal service, you might want to pick up a box of preprinted fold-over acknowledgments at your local better stationery store; in the inside write a personal line or two before signing your name.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: Sending Money
Q Is it okay to send money to help with funeral expenses for a relative that you are not that close to...but know that the family may need help in paying for funeral?

A Yes, I am sure that a check would be greatly appreciated as long as it is enclosed with a heartfelt expression of sympathy in the form of either a card or a hand written note.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: What Do You Say
Q Your co-worker arrives at work for the first time since her father died, what do you do?


A You gently touch her upper arm with your right hand, look her in the eye, and say, "I am sorry for your loss." Then let her talk and listen.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: What to Send
Q What is appropriate to send after a death in the family in the Mexican culture?

A White flowers are the appropriate token to send to a Mexican family after a death in the family.

Relationships: Funeral Etiquette: When Neighbor Is Mourning
Q What is the proper thing to do when a neighbor loses a child at eight months pregnant?

A Your neighbor is suffering a great loss. It is best to do less but do let her know that you are available, if she wants to talk. Bring her fresh flowers and freshly prepared food. Invite her over for coffee. Ask what you can do but give her space to heal and pick up your cues, don't stay or talk too long.

Relationships: Funerals: Second Wife Slighted by Ex-Wife
Q My husband and I have been married for 10 years. His family, although they tolerate me, really have never accepted me. On the death of my husband's brother, my sister-in-law insisted that my husband's former wife stand in the funeral line and attend all functions. She wanted her to be part of the family in every way. Needless to say this felt very awkward for my husband and me; however the funeral certainly was not about us. Was it proper for my husbands ex-wife to be joining the family in the line at the funeral, etc? Was it my place to say anything...? In my heart I felt that there were "too many wives in the line". I hate the thought that the family was making a point...but I do feel a bit hurt. I acted strong and supported my husband the best I could...however I still wonder if this was right or not? Let me know what you think?

A No, it was not proper for your husband's ex-wife to be in the receiving line at the funeral. It was downright disrespectful. Unfortunately, the damage was done. I question the sensitivity of those who invited her to join the line. On the other hand, she might have joined the line without being asked. Either way, it was not thought out. Nonetheless, it is possible that there is a very strong bond and friendship between the sister-in-law and the ex-wife that they think supercedes good manners.

I can commiserate because my husband's parents were very slow to warm to me. Eventually my loyalty and devotion was acknowledged, but there were many times when I felt slighted. It is important to hold your head high and do the best you can. Don't take it personally. The important thing is to be such a good sister-in-law that after a while she'll give in and show her acceptance. Don't give up. Hold your head high. Your sister-in-law is going through an extremely difficult time and she's lucky to have such a sweet and forgiving sister-in-law in you.

Relationships: Funerals: Words for Acknowledgments
Q What are some verbiage ideas to acknowledge sympathy notes?

A Personalizing acknowledgments is a truly personal task. For someone you are not close to you might write: on behalf of John Doe's family, we deeply appreciate and gratefully acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy. To someone you are closer to: thank you for your kind note after John died; I am totally devastated and always will be for the loss of a child leaves one in pain and sorrow; I will miss John very much; I miss his wonderful humor, wit, love of his family and friends, and his great kindness to all. Thank you for your love and prayers.

Relationships: Garage Sale Gifts
Q Is it rude to buy items at a garage sale and then wrap them and give them as gifts? My in-laws constantly do this and I find it very offensive. Am I wrong? Should I just consider "it's the thought that counts". Please help me! This topic is source of constant stress for my husband and I around any holiday time and we once and for all need to settle this. Thank you in advance!

A People write me all time wanting to know if they should still continue giving gifts to relatives who never give them gifts at holiday time. So: you see you are lucky, at least your relatives are kind enough to give you gifts. I do not know the age of your in-laws or their financial bracket, but I do know that we need to cut some slack when it comes to older people and money. Who knows, that piece of pottery they gave you from a garage sale in 2005 might be signed "McCoy," and be really worth something one day. Baby boomers have a different set of standards for status than boomers like you. Be grateful and gracious in accepting for all gifts, not matter how big or small.

Relationships: Gay Partners at Family Furneral
Q Hi. My Aunt died and the funeral is in a couple of days. I am gay and I am wondering if it OK for my boyfriend of 5 years to sit next to me, along with the immediate family members, or does he have to sit by himself with the other people because we are not "married", and therefore he is "not part of the family"? Thanks.

A It depends upon whether your family has accepted your boyfriend as part of the extended family. For instance, if it might make members of your immediate family uncomfortable, then you would not deliberately want to make them uncomfortable on this particular day. If your boyfriend did not know your aunt, he would not be obligated to attend the funeral. However, if this is your partner, you are in a committed relationship, and he is invited to family holiday parties and celebrations, then that means that your boyfriend is treated as part of the family. If that is the case, then he can sit with you in your pew. Perhaps let this be your guide: if your aunt invited you as a couple into her home for dinner or any holiday of family event, then you would attend as a couple. If you are still in doubt, ask your parent(s). If that is not possible, and your aunt liked your boyfriend but other family members have issues, then he might feel more comfortable sitting back in the church and not in the family pew. To give you a truly proper answer, I would have to know more about your relationship with your family.

Relationships: Getting Friends to Pay
Q Dear Didi ~
I have a dilemma. Last October, I went on a trip to Rhode Island with six of my high school girlfriends. After our trip, I collected and developed all the pictures that were taken and mentioned I would make an album for everyone. It has taken a long time getting this project completed (life happens!) but I can finally see the end. The seven albums (one is for me) will be completed by next week. Then, I'll have to mail them! The quote I got for mailing was $15 each! The expense for each of the albums has added up to at least $20 each. I never mentioned to them that I would like to be reimbursed for the expenses and shipping. My labor is my gift. (I used to teach Album Art classes for thirteen years!)

How do I approach this delicate subject of asking them to reimburse me for the raw costs, i.e. the expense of the albums, developing the pictures, printing and paper costs (I added a journal of our trip), archival tape plus shipping? I think they'll assume it's a gift from me! I made a very simple album after our first trip together and sent it to them with no charge. Now, I'm in a pickle as these albums are much more involved and have consequently cost more. Right now, my budget is limited so it would be a great help if they would reimburse me.

How do I ask . . . or do I just forget it because I didn't mention it to them when I first realized I was spending quite a bit more on these albums?

I value your input and look forward to your timely response.
Thanks for being there!

Sincerely,
Linda

A You said that you mentioned to your friends that you would make an album for everyone and you did, but then you went to great expense to create a second more stylized, professional album and you want to be reimbursed for the cost of this second album.

I'm afraid it is a bit like those books that you get in the mail that you didn't order, if you open it, you're stuck paying for it, but if you refuse it and send it back, you're off the hook.

Unfortunately, we are in bad times economically and most people don't have cash to spare. Since you once taught album making, you must have known the expense when you started making the second album. At that time, before taking on the expense, you should have e-mailed your friends asking who wants an album of the trip for $35... ? You probably would have gotten a couple of takers, but because they already had the first album, not everyone will want to pay for a second album.

My best advice to you is to hold on to the albums and as each friend reaches a significant birthday, send her an album as a birthday present. That way you won't be paying to mail all the albums at once. Spaced out over the course of a couple of years will make the expense incurred less of a burden.

Alternatively, you can e-mail your friends to say that you've finished making the final album which cost you $20 each, but the price of mailing it is $15; so anyone who wants you to mail her an album needs to send you $15 for the cost of the postage. Since your friends never contracted to buy the album from you in the first place, you cannot expect them to pay for it. You can, however, ask them to help you cover the cost of the postage.

By the way, $15 for postage doesn't sound right. At your local post office, you should be able to ship the album for less than nine dollars to anywhere in the United States and it includes the cost of the box. They now have boxes for a set price and it doesn't matter how heavy the contents make the box, because the price is for the box.

Relationships: Getting Out of Hosting Family Parties
Q Is it acceptable to ask a daughter or sister or sister-in- law to host a birthday party for another relative, e.g. mother, grandmother, sister? If the person to whom the request is made would rather not, how may they tactfully respond? If pressed to host the event, what is the proper response? The same question applies to hosting the holidays when there are multiple generations of family. What response may be given to politely decline, and additionally what response may be given if pressed?

A It is perfectly proper to ask a relative to give a party for another relative; however, if you are making the request you need to pitch in with the cost and/or the labor of pulling the party together.

The most graceful way to bow out of having to host a party is to say: "I am sorry but I am terribly busy and I am unable to host the holiday party because I just don't have the time. However, if you would like me to bring something in particular, just let me know and I will be happy to bring a salad or a dessert." Be consistent. Set boundaries of just how much you are willing to contribute.

Relationships: Getting Together for Romance
Q Dear Didi,
Please allow me to go straight to the point. He and I want each other, we've expressed this verbally. We've been emailing for a year, gone on dates, hugged like wild crazy, we're 54, mentally and physically healthy. I'm the inexperienced one when it comes to dating, married the two men I've ever been with, SO, my question: is it proper for me to invite him to my turf [we live 300 miles apart], make reservations at some romantic inn, this is a tryst, Didi, a tryst! Groundbreaking for me. Thank you!
J

A Go for it. Extend the invitation and see how he responds. There is nothing wrong with inviting him. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Why not take a chance!

Relationships: Gift for Retiree
Q What is the proper monetary gift for a retiree?

A It would depend upon how much you can afford and how well you know the retiree, and whether or not you attend a party for the retiree. Perhaps you might talk with some of his co-workers and go in on a gift with them.

Relationships: Gift Giving
Q My husband and I give money for our family's birthdays. How much is enough? For instance, my brother-in-law and his wife never send gifts on time. You can expect to get anything at least 1-2 weeks later. I'm tired of the laziness, this is not okay anymore. And their gifts never have any meaning. I'm tired of giving them $50 for their birthday gifts and in return they only do $20. And I say this over and over, it's not about how much! I could get a $5 gift, but I want it to be meaningful. My husband thinks it's okay to continue giving $50, even when they only give their $20. So for her birthday, I only sent $20, because I want them to know that I'm not gonna keep spending that much money on them, when they don't do the same.

Another question I have, is it okay to give my brother-in-law's wife the same sort of things for Christmas that she gives me? And is it okay to keep spending around $100+/- on each of them, when we only get something simple and cheap from them? I'm just tired of putting thought into my gifts for them, and you can tell that the gifts they give to us have NO thought put into them.
I hope this makes sense.

A Gift giving is never just about the gift, it is about the giver and the recipient. You seem to be a generous person who enjoys remembering people's birthdays and giving gifts; however, not everyone enjoys giving gifts. Not everyone has the time, the money or the inclination to buy presents. If you are giving gifts to receive a gift in return, you are giving your gifts for the wrong reason. Be grateful for all gifts, no matter how small.

Relationships: Gift Giving
Q What is the appropriate age to stop giving gifts (birthday, Christmas) to neices and nephews? The family in question has a 6, 18 and 22 year old . With other family members, the cut-off date was upon graduating from high school. The 22 year old does not live in this household, but is a stepneice and will be in attendance upon opening gifts. I have always sent money. I might add that I have NEVER received a thank-you note. I have one son (13) whom they usually remember.

A Gift giving is so personal. The important thing is to remember that it is not a tit-for-tat situation. It is about giving and not about receiving. Do what you can. People do not understand that thank-you notes are expected, so you cannot expect them. However, in the spirit of season, give what you can for all the right reasons.

Relationships: Gift Giving: Secret Santas During the Recession
Q My co-workers have decided to do Secret Santa in our office this year. Little gifts during the week, then a final gift of no more than $20. Total cost could be $20-30 dollars.

My husband and I are currently going through a financial reorganization of our own family budget (Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University). We've committed to one another only to buy Christmas presents this year only for each other, our parents and our siblings. The limit for each person being $20.

I don't want to be a party pooper with my co-workers. I'm a big proponent of team building and lead many such company funded events. I am also not comfortable breaking the commitment to my husband to limit our gift list and spending. It doesn't seem right to spend as much on a co-worker as I do on my mother.

How can a I politely tell my co-workers I am chosing not to participate in Secret Santa without being a grinch or looking cheap?

Many thanks,
Bridget

A My dear, you are not the only one feeling the economic downturn. Your co-workers will understand if you tell them that you and your husband are on a very tight budget and therefore you cannot participate in the Secret Santa this year. However, it seems to me that you should be allowed to participate by baking something for your secret someone. You could buy a box of brownie, cookie, or loaf cake mix and dress the baked good up in colored cellophane, aluminum foil or a tea towel, tie it with recycled ribbon, and make a bow. If the rules are not flexible enough to allow for baked goods and other handmade gifts, then where is the spirit of the holidays? You might be surprised at how many of your co-workers will be relieved and perhaps quite pleased that you've raised this issue. Secret Santas are not supposed to be about how much money you spend, but about the thought that went into the gift. Alternatively, there might be a gift in your re-gifting drawer that someone else might be quite pleased to receive, but I'm sure you've already thought of that. I don't want you to come off as a Scrooge here, but I do feel that working with your team of co-workers is all about being flexible and agreeing to augment the criteria in times such as these. If you spend an hour during your time off baking cookies, isn't your time worth thirty dollars an hour? Of course, it is. Good etiquette is also about compromise; perhaps you could even get your co-workers to agree that in these financially turbulent times the "little gifts during the week" seem excessive. This is the ideal situation in which you and your co-workers can work on team building, so go ahead and take the lead. If you have a minute or two to spare, I would love to hear how you resolved your problem of the Secret Santa.

Relationships: Gifts Never Acknowledged
Q I have always sent my hard-to-buy-for niece and nephew gift cards for their birthdays and Christmas. I've been told this is their preference. As of their next birthdays, they will be 17 and 15 and I have never received a thank-you, or indeed an acknowledgement, of any kind, either from the kids or their parents. I would be pleased with even a phone call. The parents, also, do not acknowledge gifts, so I now send them cards only. Should I begin to do the same with the children? I hate to "punish" poor etiquette, but after so many years of being ignored after I've spent more than I can easily afford, I'm very frustrated. Please advise. I'd really appreciate it.

A Gift giving is tricky because it is supposed to be joyful experience, all about giving a gift to someone else, and we are not supposed to expect anything in return. You need not send these people gifts if it does not make you happy. If you can't help stop feeling that you have to expect something in return, try skipping a year and see what happens. Gift giving is a social bid to connect. You are trying to connect with people who don't want to connect with you and it is making you unhappy.

Relationships: Gifts: Returning Gifts When Unborn Dies
Q My question is regarding baby gifts. My husband and I were expecting a baby and at 4 months I miscarried. Most of the baby gifts were from my mom and sisters and they say to keep them, but there are others from my cousins and other family members. What do I do with these? Do I offer them back or keep them without saying anything? Another thing is before I loss the baby, I wrote out all thank-you cards but did not send them out. How do I acknowledge that we appreciate their thoughtfullness? I having been thinking about this difficult subject for a week and cannot come up with anything. I apprecaite all your help.



A Certainly nobody will think any less of you for not returning the gifts because it would be too painful for you to have to send them back. Go ahead and send out the thank-you notes that you have written and, perhaps, you might include a plain white card the size of a small index card minus the lines with that day's date (assuming you dated the original thank-you note) and write something such as this: "Sadly, we lost our (first) baby, but we have not given up and keeping your gift for the next baby gives us great hope." Then you can send a photograph when the baby does finally arrive and briefly thank the person again for the thoughtfulness.

Relationships: Gifts: To Charity in Someone's Name
Q Hello, My brother-in-law has started chemo and radiation treatments for lymph node cancer recently. I thought this year, instead of gifts for Christmas, for the adults I normally buy for, I would make a donation in his honor to the local treatment center where he is receiving it in each of their names. Is this OK to do without asking the adults? Or should I ask them first?

A Are you making a donation to the local treatment center in your brother-in-law's name, or are you making a donation to your brother-in-law for his treatments? If you feel that helping with the treatment bills will take some of the stress off of your brother-in-law, then by all means I am sure other family members would be happy to have you do so. If you are making the donation to the treatment center in your brother-in-law's name, just be sure to make each donation from them separately so that they can benefit from the tax deduction. Yes, you might want give them the heads-up, whichever way you decide to go.

Relationships: Giving Gifts Back
Q Dear Didi---A friend of many years gave me a old digital camera she was not using---after a year my children gave me a nice digital camera as a Christmas gift. She let me know that the digital camera that she had was not working, so I asked if she would like her camera back. When I gave everything back including the case, the directions, the memory cards, the charger, (everything), she called and asked for the CD disc that was with it. If it was with the camera, I had to tell her that I could not find it. This upset her to point of being rude that she could not use the camera for she could not download pictures onto her PC. I told her I did not remember having the disc (I honestly do not)-but she said the disc had been with the camera. What I want to know---when she GAVE me the camera-I thought it was mine? Am I in the wrong for not having the disc? I have a tendency to throw things away and if I did this, I figure it was mine to do anything that I wanted to. I offered to get the address off the instruction manual and write the company (the camera is so old that its probably out of business---I did not say this to her)-She said no. It has made for a uncomfortable situation. I have apologized for not having the disc-is there anything else I should do or just keep my mouth shut? Am I in the wrong? Thank you--Pat



A Let it pass. Her behavior is ridiculous. You were trying to do her a favor. She gave you a gift and she shouldn't have had any expectations about getting it back. Don't let this silliness come between you and your friend.

Relationships: Giving Gifts Back
Q My husband and I are planning to retire in another state in 2009. While visiting there this summer, we purchased a parlor table and my cousin graciously offered to keep it for us until we retire. How do I write a proper note to thank them?


A When a person is too good, too kind, you tell him or her. Just come out and shout it: Thank you so very much for graciously offering to store our parlor table until next year. You saved us wear and tear on the table by it not having to make two major moves. Alice and are very much looking forward to spending the rest of our lives close to the old homestead. One of the first things that we hope to do after our big move is to host and toast you for being so incredibly generous and thoughtful. You are not only a cousin, but a true friend. Our love to you and Jane, David & Alice.

Relationships: Giving Gifts Repeatedly + Never Thanked
Q If you are always invited to a child's birthday party and you don't have any children of your own, and you always go and bring a gift and the same at Christmas time, should the parents reciprocate with a gift to us on our birthdays and at Christmas or even at least send us a birthday/Christmas card from their child that they always expect us to attend the party for???

A You are under no obligation to continue giving without being acknowledged for your gifts. Try skipping a birthday to see what happens. Remember if you attend the child's birthday or the family's holiday event and bring a present, they are not responsible for giving you a gift in return, so you should not expect one. They are only required to give you a gift if they attend your birthday party or holiday event. It sounds as if you are bitter about the situation so perhaps you should stop giving. Giving is about feeling good about giving, if you are not feeling good about giving to the child, then stop giving the child presents.

Relationships: Giving Help Notice
Q How do you write a 2 week notice for a babysitter...?

A Why wouldn't you give the babysitter two weeks notice to her face? Writing a letter to someone to whom you have entrusted the care of your child sounds cold. Why not sit her down for a cup of tea and give her two weeks notice face to face. As I do not know the circumstances of her dismissal, I cannot give you a really proper answer. If she has performed well, you would give her a gift at that time. At any rate, no matter why you are letting her go, you need to be perfectly honest with her and tell her exactly why you are letting her go, so she does not make the same mistakes again. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like to be given two weeks notice through a letter?

Relationships: Godfather's Financial Responsibility
Q Godfather's responsibility for christening (financial)?

A The godfather has no financial responsibility whatsoever for the christening or for his godchild. A christening is a deeply religious ceremony. You are being appointed the spiritual godfather of your godchild. If you wish to give your godchild a bible with an inscription or a silver Tiffany baby cup or photo frame with her name and birth date engraved on the side, I am sure the child will cherish your gift. Alternatively, you might give the child a security bond or do something creative. My dad and the other godfather started a wine cellar for their mutual godson, which can be added on to for his birthdays, or not. My daughter's godfather is a well known painter, who gave her one of his paintings for her christening. Another daughter received a piece of estate jewelry from her godfather. Customarily, the godparent might give a symbolic check to the child at every birthday adding a zero on to the year, for instance at the age of ten, you might give her one hundred dollars. Usually, after the age of eighteen the birthday gifts stop and it is up to the godchild to sustain the relationship. As godfather, you might also be asked to attend the child's confirmation and wedding.

Relationships: Godmother Questions Duties Second Time Around
Q What is the rule about giving a baby shower for a second child? Are baby showers just for first babies? Also, who is suppose to give the baby shower? My godchild is expecting her second baby and has asked me to baptize the baby. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but if it is proper to have a baby shower for the second baby, am I obligated to do so? Thanks for your help!

A Children are our wonderful gift and to have your godchild expecting a baby, whether it is her first, second, or third is such a blessing how can you not accept such an honor? You are not obligated, you are honored to do so. By all means, step up to the plate.

Relationships: Godparents' Duties
Q What are the duties of the godparents?

A As godparents you are spiritual role models for your godchildren. It means that you are a role model for good values and good manners. Some churches have godparents meet with the rector, others don't. If you are required to do so, the baby's parent will tell you when and where. The day of the Christening, you arrive at the church early and sit with the baby and the baby's family. You hold the baby while he or she is being baptized. You are basically promising God that if anything happens to this baby's parents, you will be there to take over. You are not required to give a gift but traditionally you might commemorate the day with a silver cup or a bible with the baby's name and date. Godfathers have been known to go in together on the foundation for a wine cellar for their godson. Others might give the child a bond for college. Another might give a first edition of a book of fairy tales. It is not about the money, it is about knowing that if you and your spouse are killed in a plane crash, the person who will be looking after the spiritual care of your child with values you respect. Following the service, traditionally, the parents take the godparents and other people they have invited for lunch or back to their home for lunch. Sometimes a grandparent will give a more formal luncheon. From then on, you would remember the child's birthday and send them a card a Christmas. At their wedding you would offer to give a toast to the wedding couple either at the rehearsal dinner or at the reception. Once the godchildren are wed, they have presumably made a different kind of spiritual commitment. If they are confirmed and you go to the same church, you might be asked to be the child's sponsor, but it is in no way an obligation. Another tradition, just so you know, is that some godparents give godchildren the amount of their birthday plus a zero, until they are twenty-one. So a five-year-old would receive fifty dollars for his fifth birthday. The fun thing about this formula is that it is predictable, and like the godparent, there. The child knows what to expect, and the godparent doesn't have to worry about not pleasing the godchild on his or her birthday. Christmas and Easter presents are not necessary, because once again, it is about the contact, not the gift(s).

Relationships: Godparents Gifts
Q Is it etiquette to give godparents gifts?

A In what context are you giving gifts to the godparent? Are you required to give the godparents gifts? No. Are the godparents required to give the child gifts? No. Are you asking whether it is proper etiquette to give godparents gifts at the christening? Christenings are deeply religious ceremonies, the less emphasis put on the exchange of gifts, the better. Traditionally, the godparents are invited to lunch after the christening and are remembered by at Christmas with a card from the child.

Relationships: Good-Bye Party Gift
Q I have been invited to a good-bye party for my husband's niece who will be moving to another state. My question is, do I bring a gift?

A No, you do not need to bring a good-bye present to your husband's niece. However, you might send a note to her at her new address expressing good wishes once she is settled.

Relationships: Graduate Degree Gifts
Q What is the proper way to acknowledge a son or grandson who has just received an associate degree?

A Young adults always appreciate a small check to help them make that expensive transition from school to the real world. If you can afford to send the student on a trip to someplace he has never been like Europe or Australia and New Zealand, that is also a well-received gift for a job well done.

Relationships: Graduation Announcements
Q Do I need to send graduation announcements out for my daughter when I am not planning anything other than attending the graduation ceremony and just going out for dinner after that? We have NO family in the area...they live over 1000 miles from us and most likely would not attend anyway and I honestly have not really been personally in touch with them so much since I married 20 years ago. My Mom keeps me up to date on all the goings on with them. My Mom and my brother have decided they are going to travel to attend this graduation (it is high school graduation) so they will be there and other than that it will be my husband, myself and my other two children and of course my daughter who is graduating.

A Nowadays so many children are not only graduating from high school but also from college and graduate school that graduation announcements have, sadly, slipped by the wayside. These days families are more apt to update distant relatives and friends of the family's accomplishments such as graduations through an annual holiday letter that either serves as a the holiday greeting or is enclosed in a card.

Relationships: Graduation Party Etiquette
Q What is the etiquette for a graduation party for my daughter?

A Graduation party etiquette for your daughter would depend upon her age and level of maturity. If she is graduating from high school and she is college bound, perhaps these will work.

The plan for the evening must be discussed and agreed upon.
Compromises are made to make sure that the plan is fair.
Make up a budget for her dress, shoes and other expenses.
Birth control is discussed and made available.
Tell her that you do not want her smoking, drinking, or doing any drugs.
Remind her that they are against the law.
Take her picture as she comes down the stairs and goes out the door with her date.
No driving and no driving in a car with anyone who has been drinking.
Back-up plans are in place so that if your daughter telephones you at three in the morning, you answer, jump in the car, and pick her up without questioning her.
You have the cellphone numbers of the friends she will be with during the evening and the home numbers of any houses she plans on visiting.
She agrees to eat an early supper before leaving the house.
She calls you or text messages you when she leaves one location and again when she arrives at the next location.
Be sure that she understands that no matter how late it is or what the circumstances are, she can trust you to pick her up.
You agree not to drill her about the evening.
When she arrives home she wakes you and talks to you no matter how late she comes home.
Make it clear to her that you will call her friends' houses, if you does not hear from her or text message you by, say, one o'clock.
If she comes back to your house with friends, have them place their car keys in a basket and take the basket to your room. Anyone leaving will have to wake you up.
Don't plan on getting much sleep the night of the party.

Relationships: Graduation: Father Invites New Girlfriend
Q Our daughter is graduating from high school at the end of May. I have sent invitations to family and friends. Our daughter doesn't care for her Dad's current girlfriend, and he has gone ahead and invited her to the graduation. Of course, our daughter isn't pleased and has told him directly, I don't want her there. He, on the other hand tells her it would be rude to uninvite her, that she really hasn't decided whether she is going; however, she wasn't sent an invitation. He took it upon himself without asking our daughter first to invite her. How can this situation be handled? I don't want to be rude, but on the other hand I don't feel this is really our problem; this is more his problem since he did the inviting. To top things off, I've never met her, so I would feel uncomfortable to be honest.

A Tell your ex-husband that your daughter's graduation is all about your daughter's accomplishments and only close family and friends are invited.

Tell him that when your daughter gets her diploma and looks out at the audience, she should see her mother and father standing side by side clapping for her. When you make the decision to have a child, that child comes first. Put all petty grievances aside for the sake of your daughter and make your daughter proud of her parents.

If your daughter's father and girlfriend want to take her out to dinner afterward, then make that the compromise, the bargaining point. The girlfriend is not going to want to attend the graduation, if she knows she isn't wanted. Graduations really aren't very interesting unless you're related to one of the graduates. If the father was remarried that would be a different story.

Remind the father that this graduation is all about the accomplishments of their daughter and that he should heed his daughter's wishes and tell his girlfriend that, "This is not the right time for you to try to connect with my daughter."

Relationships: Grandparents + Grandchildren
Q Should the grandchildren be calling grandma on a regular basis, should grandma be calling the grandkids, or is it a two-way street?

A The consistency in the relationship is the job of the adult. In most situations, in order to sustain the relationship the adult has to go up the ladder and make the call, send the greeting cards and birthday gifts, and attend the soccer games and tennis matches. When the grandparent has an ongoing relationship with the child, both benefit. The grandparent is a role model of behavior for the child. Therefore, if the grandparent is actively engaged in the life of the child, the child will grow up to be a wonderful grandparent. Is it a two-way street? Never. It is the role of the grandparent to set the lead and tone of the relationship by finding a flow whether it is through exchanges of emails or passing a soccer ball back and forth. We create our own relationships.

Relationships: Grandparents Teaching Manners
Q I never really learned etiquette when I was a child and therefore I probably didn't really teach it to my two children, who are lacking in that department. Is it to late for all of us to learn, and can we all become a better example to my grandson who is now four years and desplays no manners as a result?

A All grown-ups, especially parents and grandparents, are a child's role model for good behavior. Practice good manners with your grandson and they will wear off on him. Start by teaching him to say "please" and "thank you," and to do little "big boy" things, such as open the door for his grandmother and mother. And: "Be a big boy and help mommy bring in the groceries." He should learn to ask to be excused from the table, to leave his utensils on his plate, to chew with his mouth closed, and not to interrupt. To interrupt, he should raise his hand just the way he is taught to do in school. Never criticize bad behavior, ignore it and reward good behavior.

Relationships: Grandpartents: Grandchildren
Q Daughter-in-law has so many rules and regulations regarding the grandchildren...it's impossible to get comfortable. We feel like strangers. I am a doctor and my husband is a lawyer. We raised three children of our own.

A Offer to take the children on a trip or for the weekend. Learn to speak their language. If they email or are into text messaging, communicate with them in their world. You have to work very hard at establishing and maintaining relations with children and grandchildren. All the efforting is shouldered by the older generation. Be consistent and offer to take them from time to time to the theater, a movie, a baseball game. Take an interest in their sports and go to their games. Some grandparents will offer to pick up the kids from school and give them dinner, say, one or two days a months. Work at connecting with them on an individual basis.

Relationships: Gum Chewing
Q How do you tell your co-worker that her gum chewing is really annoying? She listens to her ipod at work, and I am sure doesn't know how loud her gum chewing sounds to those of us around her. She even snaps her gum.

A If you can get her attention when she's off her ipod, chew gum in front of her in a really annoying manner. Exaggerate for efffect. Track her eyes while you're doing this to keep her attention. If she remains clueless, then try it again. If you can enlist a fellow co-worker to chew gum with you, all the better. Eventually, the gum chomper will get the point.

Should she ask you what your are doing, tell her that you wanted her to hear what it sounds like to listen to another gum chewer.

Relationships: Gym Etiquette
Q As the manager of a busy gym, I need to post some rules because lots of the newer members are clueless about what to do and what not to do. Please help!

A Logical proper gym etiquette is motivated by consideration of others and issues of safety.

Gym Etiquette:

Do enjoy your workout.
Do wipe down the equipment after you're finished.
Do ask for help when you don't know how a machine works.
Do put back all balls, mats, jump ropes.
Do re-rack all weights you use.
Do move over while resting and let someone else jump in.
Do be aware of others waiting to use the machine.
Do say, "May I please... " It resolves 90% of conflicts.
Do dispose of your wet towel properly.
Do leave your space in the locker room tidy.
Do dispose of bottles, cups and wrappers in recycling cans.
Do try to control loud grunts and groans.

Don't chatter in front of those working out--it's annoying.
Don't use your cellphone or BlackBerry on the gym floor.
Don't walk around the gym with headphones listening to music where people are lifting heavy weights because one could drop on your foot or hit you in the head.

Relationships: Handling Intruders
Q How do you handle an individual who is in upper management and constantly interrupts everyone's conversations? Most often it is business, but the individual walks right into someone's office, starts their conversation and generally runs the other person out event though it was a business conversation to be with. I have gone as far as to tell them they are rude and on many occasions tried to tell them in front of other people purposely. The impression I get is that they feel they are more important than anyone else and what they have to say is more important than what you were discussing.
This individual comes from a very large family, but I feel they are old enough to understand that they are no longer competing with the other kids for Mom's attention.
thank you.

decaves@furbay.com

A Set boundaries. The sooner you set boundaries of behavior the better. You have the perfect right to say, "I am sorry but you are interrupting." Or, "Excuse us, but we're having a private conversation. I'll come and find you when I'm available." Criticism usually doesn't work on people who have a sense of entitlement. Set boundaries and stick to them. Use phrases such as, "I am not available right now," or "I will let you know when I free up," or "We're having a privileged conversation."

Relationships: Handling Your Bosses' Fury
Q Our office manager goes on what we call cleaning "binges". She goes around the office picking up things and saying "What is this?" File it, pitch it, etc.
Today she came in my office and started going through my folders and organizer cubby holes. I was so furious, it almost made me sick to my stomach. Plus it gives one the feeling that she doesn't think you know how to do your job. I feel that her behavior was inappropriate, intrusive, and demeaning. What can I do if it happens again?

A There are a lot of people like that. They go on binges. Perhaps she is PMS-ing; whatever the reason, her behavior is highly inappropriate. The best thing to do is to ignore bad behavior. As you know any criticism would destroy the relationship. However, you can question her behavior, by saying, "I am sorry, but I don't understand why you are so upset. Please, help me to understand why you are so upset?" She probably will not have an answer, but it might get her thinking. More importantly, it might make her think twice next time she starts going into a fury.

Relationships: Helping People Remember Your Name
Q Help! My name is Brett Cowley and nobody ever gets my name right, no matter how carefully I articulate. I'm either Brent or Crowley or even Brent Crowley. How can I help people to remember my name correctly?

A Brett, introduce yourself in a jovial fashion. Say, "Hello, I am Brett Cowley. Brett with two ts and Cowley with no r." Just the fact that you've addressed a potential problem from the start and are so good-natured, will encourage people at least to try to remember correctly. Also, you could pass out your business card because many of us remember names better when we see them in print.

Relationships: Hostess Not Fan of Kids
Q I have hosted a women only weeklong beachtrip for the last 5 years. While I am childless, my friends have begun to have families and several of them seem to want to bring their babies. I don't want to look like the bad guy, but I don't want children on this trip. My honest, frank feeling on the matter is if you can't find care for the week, or even a few days, then you can't make it this year. My one friend thinks I'm discriminating against my friends with children...and how could I do that if I love them? How come I don't want to get to know their children? It's been a very difficult matter and I hope to get some advice from you. Thank you for your time.

A I gave my aunt an embroidered pillow that says "Love Me Love My Cat," because I hate cats. My aunt would never be able to understand if I told her I don't like cats, so I just ignore the cat. She would take it personally, and I love her too much to tell her. You might find that your friends with babies will be happy to accept your invitation solo in a couple of years, so have patience. In the meantime, invite new friends to mix with the old and everyone will increase their circle of friendship. At this point in time, you might just need to tell one friend how you really feel and through word of mouth, the truth will get out that you are "just NOT a big fan of spending your vacation with kids." In a few years, they'll be clamoring for an invite.

Relationships: Hosting Guests When You're Ill
Q I am ill with cancer and had some people from where I used to live come to visit. One of them I have known for years but the other is pretty much a stranger to me, although we have spoke on the phone several times. I have tried to be accommodating to both my guests, but this newcomer has taken it upon herself to change things around my home, that I have set up to be convienent for my illness. And has showered and left the mess for me to tidy up. I want them to visit again but I am unable to clean up after them, because of complications from my illness. It should be obvious to them, but I don't think they "get it". Should I speak to the old friend and clue him in or to them both or just let it go and pray that next time they will be more considerate?

A If you can muster up the humor to rib them about their messiness, that would be the most polite way to address their lack of consideration. Say, "You guys amuse me, you come here to give me a hand, but I end up having to pick up after you. If you really want to be helpful, I need you to put your sheets and towels in the washing machine and tidy up before you leave. I just don't have the energy right now to be the perfect hostess." Set boundaries and stick to them. Jolly them into being self-sustaining guests and don't let them drain you. It is your illness and you get to dictate how people treat you---at least in your own home. If you do it with humor, you might create real camaraderie. Don't have this conversation over the phone. Preface it by thanking them for coming to visit you and for whatever gift they brought, then with generosity of spirit set your boundaries and tell them what you need them to do and instruct them in exactly how they have to do it. Believe it or not, friends often do better when you give them marching orders, or as we say in the world of etiquette, "codes of behavior," and tell them how you want them to behave. "I like to have you visit, but when you are here you need to......" You might be pleasantly surprised to find that your friends become "perfect" guests with a bit of instruction.

Relationships: Houseguest Presents
Q I just visited my friend and stayed the week at her house. I gave her a gift when I arrived. Now I am sending her a thank- you card and want to know if I should also send a gift and how much should it cost - a token or a significant gift?

A The value of your present would depend upon how much your hostess went out of her way to make your stay pleasurable and how generous you can afford to be. Now that you have spent a week in her house, you might have a better idea of what she needs and her taste. If you treated her to lunch and dinner out the whole time you were visiting her, then that might be enough compensation. Often the dollar value of the thank you present is not as important as the thought behind the gift. For instance, if she needs a new espresso maker, you might send her one. If she was crazy about a pair of shoes that you wore while you were there and you know her size, you might send her a pair of the shoes. If you discussed a particular novel that she seemed interested in reading, you might send her a hardcover copy of the novel. Sending flowers always leaves the hostess with a good lasting impression of your visit.

Relationships: Houseguests: Dealing with Bickering Hosts
Q We've been invited by another married couple to be their houseguests for a week at their home in Boca Grande, FL, a resort we dearly love. However, this couple is in the habit of reveling in low-grade bickering, belittling each other at every opportunity. If they behave this way on vacation, our vacation will turn into a vacation from hell. How do we tell them that we would like to come but we want them to hold a truce on bickering while we're staying with them?

Thank you,
Harriet

A If these are good friends, you have nothing to lose by saying, "We would love to come and stay with you for a week, but we find your bickering exhausting and both of us need a stressless vacation. If we can hold a moritorium on bickering and belittling one another for a week, Jim and I would love to stay with you." The success of this kind of positive moving forward conversation is all in the tone of your voice. Your must use a slightly humorous tone.

As you stated, this is a habit, and we all know that habits die hard. Don't expect the invitation to be rescinded or reissued right away, just keep the dialogue going. Add that you would like to stay at the Gasparilla Inn for the second half of the week; that way the couple will be on good behavior in fear of losing your company for the rest of your stay in Boca Grande. Whether you actually reserve a room or not, is up to you.

Should your hosts start to bicker, remind them of the New England saying that, "Houseguests start to smell like old fish after a couple of days," and move out. Then as a friendly gesture, invite them to dine with you at the Inn after you've moved over.

Unfortunately, in houseguest situations there is no "free lunch." Whether you accept your friends for who they really are and accept the invitation, regret the invitation, or stay and give it a try but make the reservation, is totally up to you.

Relationships: Houseguests: Fending Off Friends
Q I recently inherited a house on Lyford Cay in the Bahamas that has been in my family for generations and I've come to regard it as my special place. Not to be selfish, but I work very hard and I want to have the place all to myself when I want it. When friends ask if they can stay in the house for a week or ten days, or even a weekend, I get all tied up in knots about it because I really don't want anyone there when I'm not there. How can I graciously handle these requests from friends?


A Graciously, cut the person off as soon as he or she starts talking about the house. You can swiftly end the conversation by taking the person into your confidence and saying, "Listen, would you please do me a huge favor? If anyone asks about my house in Lyford, tell them that I am not renting it out. It is a special place for me and I really don't want anyone staying there just now." At that point, that subject will be dropped and you can move on to another topic of conversation.

Relationships: Houseguests: Unwanted
Q I have just looked after my husband for four months who is recovering from cancer surgery. I have been housewife, chief cook and bottle washer, gardener - mowing lawns, etc., nurse - dressings needing changing and help with baths, etc., guest greeter and visiting him every day while he was in hospital for ten days. This also has involved numerous appointments with various specialists and doctors. We have not been able to take a vacation at all during this time. We also have not had a vacation for at least l5 years of any real length of time with the exception of a week away six years ago. Today the phone rang and it was my sister-in-law phoning to tell us she and her husband were coming to visit us and wanted to stay two nights. My husband and sister-in-law arranged this themselves. I was not consulted. While I realize my husband would like to see his sister , who lives out of town, under the circumstances, I am still thinking that it would have been nice to have been consulted by either my husband or his sister. We have had numerous others visit us, both family and friends, during this time but they have come for a day visit and have not stayed overnight. What is the correct etiquette under these circumstances?

A In my opinion, you are correct in thinking that your husband should have asked you if his sister and her husband could stay at your house. Since that didn't happen, we need to figure out where to go from here. It sounds as if you need to set boundaries for the visit. In a perfect world, you should be able to pick up the phone and tell your sister-in-law that you are very sorry but would she mind staying in a motel. Ask her to put herself in your shoes and try to understand that as much as you would like to visit with her, you are unable to have house guests at this point in time. Be honest with her and try to help her to understand that you have been through a huge ordeal and that having them stay with you is not a possibility. Etiquette is all about compassion, compromise and consideration. Ahead of time, why not ask a friend or relative if he or she would be willing to put up your sister-in-law and her husband for two nights as a personal favor to you. If that doesn't work, then be ready to recommend a nearby Bed & Breakfast or motel and give her that phone number and say something such as this, "Alice and Jack Burns have offered to put you up for two nights and you are welcome to come here for lunch, but at this point in time we are not having any house guests." This way you are not telling the sister- in-law that she is not welcome, you are just saying that under the circumstances you are not having house guests, but you can recommend a B&B. That way when they come to town you have already established certain boundaries, and now you can say, "Would you like to come to lunch on Saturday from noon until 1:30?" Put a time limit on the amount of time that they can stay at your house. If your husband gives you grief about this plan, make it crystal-clear to him that you are exhausted and burned out from the last four months and he needs to understand that having house guests is too much work for you both at this point in time. If he insists, then explain it again and tell him your plan to help his sister and her husband find alternative housing. If you do not want to invite them to your house, then offer to meet them at a restaurant. The only way that this will work is if you set boundaries and stick to them. For instance, if they come for lunch and then turn on the TV to watch a football game after lunch, turn off the TV and say that you are sorry but they'll have to watch the game at their motel. Make it clear to your sister-in-law that you would like to see them, but only for very short periods of time. Remind yourself and your family that your health is important, too, and that you need to set boundaries as to how much you and your husband can handle right now.

Relationships: Houseguests: Children
Q My child was recently invited to go on a very extensive ski trip with his best friend, who is an only child.. His best friend's father is a divorced man who is extremely wealthy and takes very extravagant vacations. I am uncomfortable with accepting this invitation as I do not know if I will be expected to contribute to the trip financially. I am not in a position to provide more than spending money for my son and I assume this is understood by his friend's father.

Could you please tell me what is protocol with regards to inviting a young child to accompany your child on a vacation?

Thank you.

A You need to find out from the father what "spending money" means. For instance, ask him for an estimate of how much "spending money" your son will need every day. Mention possible expenditures such as rental equipment, ski lift ticket, lunch and snack money. Often resorts have mini-ski camps where kids, say, spend the morning improving their skills in a group situations, so ask if the boys will be doing this and if so, how much it costs. These programs can cost up to $80 per day not including the lift tickets. If you have to pay for skiing, find out about a package deal, which includes rentals and lift tickets for the amount of days that he will be on the slopes because they would vary depending upon the age of your son and the resort. The friend's father might tell you not to worry because he has it "covered," then let him cover those expenses, but at least he will know and you will know what "covered" means. You still should give your son money for lunch, snacks, hand warmers, and enough cash so that if he, say, misplaces his ski gloves and goggles, he has money to buy new ones. As your son is being invited, it is assumed that his transportation, lodging, and food will be covered. It is not assumed that the dad will be happy about springing for lost goggles. It is obviously important to the dad that his son has a good vacation, which means a buddy to ski with while he is off on steeper slopes. This is why the dad is covering the expense. Do not assume anything until you have listed the above expenses and know exactly what is being "covered." Be crystal-clear with the father about the fact that you are not able to provide more than spending money, but you need to find out what the spending money would include: would it be just lunch and snacks? I am assuming that your son has clothing for the trip: long underwear, a fleece, ski pants, parka, gloves, hat, a helmet, goggles, several pairs of thin high-tech ski socks, and sweatpants to wear after skiing. He will need chapstick and sunscreen. He might also need a bathing suit if there is a pool or hot tub, which there probably is, so be sure to pack swim trunks because at a ski resort they can be expensive, and there goes his spending money. If the father has a secretary who, say, is making the arrangements, call her up and have this conversation with her and she will reiterate your concerns to the father and get back to you with an amount of, say, twenty dollars a day for spending money. Make it clear to the father (or his secretary) that your son has, say, twenty dollars a day for lunch and snacks, and then a hundred dollars in emergency cash which can be held by the dad, as I don't know the age of your son. Remember, too, that the after skiing expenses can be hefty, too, because they include video games and movies. So: the protocol is to find out from the host (or his secretary) exactly how much money you will have to give your son a day for spending money. You need to tell the father, perhaps, at the airport how much cash your son has on him and what the cash is for (say, lunch and snacks, plus emergency money). If the child is not old enough to handle the cash, you would give it to the dad in an envelope and he would dole it out everyday. At that same time, you would give the dad your son's insurance card (or a copy) and a list of his medications and his doctor's phone number, as well as your own. When your son returns from the trip, you would send the dad a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note highlighting some of your son's most vivid recollections of the trip. Your son would also send a thank-you note. This is a wonderful opportunity for your son. I hope that he will be able to take advantage of this wonderful adventure.

Don't forget that many second hand children's stores have barely worn ski clothing, which you might want to investigate before heading to the mall.

Relationships: How Do I Get Our Friends to Pay the Bill?
Q Can you please advise? Every other month my wife and I go out to dinner with another couple who are our really good friends and we take turns paying for dinner. For the past two dinners I paid the check, after being told that it was our turn. In theory, they should pay for the net two dinners in order to make it even. How do I tell our good friends that they owe us two dinners?

A Wait for the other couple to contact you about dinner plans. Then say, "In going over my credit card bills, I realized that we paid for dinners with you twice in a row. Why don't you pick the restaurant." That way the other couple can pick a restaurant that fits their budget.

Relationships: How Do I Get Strangers to Stop Kissing My Baby?
Q Babies may be cute, but I am sick of people wanting to kiss my baby. Perfect strangers seem to think because she's a baby they have a right to kiss her. The cashier in our local bodega literally took my baby from my arms and kissed and cooed over her. How do I tell strangers that they cannot kiss my baby?

A The next time someone tries to kiss your baby, pipe up a cautious tone and say, "I wouldn't want you to catch whatever she seems to be coming down with." Believe me, in this flu season the person will back off.

Cashiers have ostensibly shaken hands with half of New York State in one day just by handling money.

Relationships: How Long After Death to Wear the Ring
Q My fiance recently passed away. How long is it proper to wear my engagement ring on the left hand?

A Your period of mourning is a very personal thing. Think about what your fiance would want you to do? Would he want you to move on with your life and live in the present? Or would he want you to dwell on the past and your sadness? A month or two after his death, you can switch the engagement ring to the other hand or put it away, no one will judge you for trying to let go of your pain. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Relationships: How Long Does Widower Wait to Date + Remarry
Q How long does a widower wait before dating or remarrying after their spouse dies?

A A widower might start going out either to a restaurant or to a private home with a small group of good friends a week after the funeral. He might start going out publicly, for instance to weddings and charity benefits, after three months, at which time he might ask a woman out on a date or to accompany him to a social event. Out of respect for his family, he might not wish to remarry for at least a year.

Relationships: How to Break Bad Habits
Q How can you break a bad habit of people dipping their finger into food to taste it?

A You can say, "What's up with that?" or, "why do you do that? It is disgusting." Ask them why. Make them think about what they did and how it looks and make them tell you why they do it. All you can do is to get them to think about their bad behavior.

Relationships: How to Discuss Husband's Ailing Business
Q What is the appropriate way to respond to friends when they ask me how my husband's business in doing? The honest answer is that it is not doing well at all and I would prefer not to discuss it.

A Just say, "Not very well, thank you." Then change the subject. The phrase "thank you" should end the conversation.

If the friend has had too much to drink and doesn't pick up his cue to change the topic of conversation, then add a line such as this: "He doesn't want to worry me, so I know very little. Thank you for asking." That second "thank you" should close the subject.

If that's not your style, you can always turn the question around and say, "How are you doing?" Or, "How is your husband doing in this turbulent economy?"

Relationships: How to Encourage Well-Mannered Children
Q My almost 9 year-old daughter is having a problem at school over lunch. Her classmates have terrible table manners, i.e. waving orange peels in other students' faces, opening mouths full of food, and she finds she is unable to eat her lunch. As a result, she is very lethargic and cold. Do you think children of this age would be open to an etiquette lesson?

A Sadly, children mimic their parents. As you know, parents are role models for good as well as bad behavior. You would have to start by making the parents aware of the fact that having manners is an important part of who you are and that they are best learned young.

Luckily, you have the advantage of using the double digit as a goal. Once your age is a double digit, you've learned good table manners. By the time you are ten, you've learned to chew with your mouth closed. By the time you're ten, you've learned that food goes in the mouth and is not a toy to be played with. Once you turn ten you don't bite your nails or suck your thumb.

First, you would have to bring up the subject at a parents' meeting. If you can get a group of concerned parents to lobby for a workshop or a class in being well-mannered, then do it. Well-mannered means all sorts of useful behavior for getting along well with others at school: including not interrupting, raising your hand when you want a turn to speak, holding the door open for the person behind you, washing hands before leaving the washroom.

In my opinion, you would want to make the subject more general. Yes, certainly include table manners, but extend it to being "well-mannered," a catchall phrase for having good manners. I am afraid if you use the word "etiquette," people will yawn. Get the point across that being well-mannered is a set of life skills that should be learned before entering middle school.

Yes, as you can see I do think that all children should be well-mannered, but do they need an etiquette lesson? Yes, but it is improbable. The solution is to include lessons highlighting well-mannered behavior in Home Economics and/or Science Hygiene Classes.

A larger issue is that of role model. Having children eat with grown-ups at home, in other people's houses, and in restaurants is important exposure that many students don't get.

Why not make it into a game with your daughter that she can use at the lunch table to tame her lunch buddies? For instance, do you know spreading germs by poking orange peels in someone's face is not a good idea? Why? Because the germs from your mouth go to your fingers and then jump to the orange peel and then to whatever the orange peel touches. It is that old Dr. Seuss story of the paint that gets spread from room to room throughout the house.

Relationships: How to Have Sex
Q How to have sex?

A To have sex you have to want to have sex. You have to think about sex, imagine how sex smells, how sex tastes, how sex feels. Before that you have to keep the juices flowing; as the saying goes, "If you don't use it, you lose it." You lose the desire for sex, if you don't pleasure yourself several times a week. Be prepared, be well groomed and keep your body fresh, then use body language to signal your readiness. Let's face it: if your date sees that you've taken special care in preparing yourself for your encounter, they will pick up the clue. If they don't, try another time. Sometimes even the best of lovers find themselves at different energy levels.

Sex just for the sake of having sex and with a stranger is dangerous because, though you may feel the rush of sex at the time, you will feel bad afterwards looking back. Plus, think of all the nasty STDs you can pickup that you will never get rid of.

Relationships: How to Help a Grieving Family
Q What do you do for a family who has lost a loved one? In particular the father.

A Tell a close friend of the family you would like to do something for the family and could they make a suggestion. Aside from going to the funeral and writing a note of sympathy, you can follow-up your show of support of the family by keeping in touch with them after all the cards have stopped arriving because that might be when they need friends the most. You could offer to attend a child's sports event or take them to the movies. Acts of kindness like these would probably be greatly appreciated.

Relationships: How to Refer to Your Sister-In-Law's Sister
Q How should I refer to the sister of my sister-in-law?

A She is your sister-in-law's sister or your brother's (or sister's) sister-in-law.

Relationships: How to Respond to a Friend's Miscarriage
Q What would be appropriate to send for a late miscarriage? I'm not sure if there is going to be a funeral or not.

A In sensitive situations such as a late miscarriage, you might not do anything. By word of mouth through the family and closest friends, you will hear if anything needs to be done. If you are close to the couple, you might tell them in person or in a handwritten note that you know it is a very difficult time for them and that you are available to help them in any way. Do not say anything like "Cheer up, you're lucky he wasn't born" because that downgrades their grief. Less is more in a delicate situation such as this.

Relationships: How to Stop Friend from Interrupting
Q I have a friend and no matter the importance of the subject, will constantly interrupt. How can one, politely, say LET ME FINISH!!

A Next time your friend interrupts say, "Would you please let me finish what I was saying because I don't interrupt you when you speak." Whatever you do, be sure to say this in private because you would not want to humiliate anyone in front of other people. Manners are about compassion and consideration.

Relationships: How to Tell a Person That They Are Annoying
Q What's the proper way to ask someone to get their hair out of their face (eyes) when talking to you? A friend/co-worker has very long bangs and they are constantly in her eyes when she's having a conversation. It's distracting to everyone she talks to since she's constantly pushing her hair around, just not out of her eyes!

A Try to get to the root of the problem. For instance, ask her whether she's growing out her bangs or just hasn't had time to get them trimmed. As you know, criticism destroys relationships, so you will want to approach her with a concerned attitude. Depending upon your style and relationship with this person, you could simply say something such as, "What's up with your bangs? Are you growing them out or what?" My point is that, I want you to get her thinking about the fact that people think her bangs are annoying--without criticizing her outright.

As you probably know, flipping the hair around is flirtatious. It is a coquettish mannerism employed to distract the viewer away from the topic of conversation. It can also be a sign of huge insecurity. There is an old adage that goes something like this: Once a lady leaves her house, she never touches her hair in public. Then with the popularity of the play "Hair," hair for both sexes became a sexual accessory to be played with in public.

Not knowing what this person's problem is, I can only guess that she's hiding something or is insecure. It feels similar to when people don't look you in the eye when you're talking with them; it makes you think that they are being disrespectful.

How to get this person to change her habit will be difficult without alienating her. Habits are incredibly difficult to break; however, by using humor you can make her aware of the fact that her bangs are unattractive.

The proper way to get her to change her habit would be to enlist a member of the Human Relationships Department to talk to her about working on improving her grooming--but who wants to do that?

Relationships: How to Win A Person
Q How to win a person?

A When you ask "how to win a person?" I am not sure if you mean a customer, client, boss, or a crush. To win over a business associate, you work hard and long hours with your co-workers as a team. If you are trying to win over a love interest, learn to listen to what that person says and respond accordingly. If you are not listening to the love interest, that person won't feel connected to you. If that person feels that he or she is connecting with you, he or she will be more likely to work on the friendship. The friendship comes first. If you cannot win that person over as a friend, that person will look for connection elsewhere.

Relationships: Husband + Wife Eat Differently
Q When eating I am right-handed and I cut my meat by holding my fork with the left and cut with the right then I switch the fork to my right hand and eat. My husband who is also right- handed cuts with the fork in his right but also eats with his right hand. What is the correct way.

A It would depend upon how a person has been brought up because it is difficult to re-teach adults how to eat. Regionally and socioeconomically, people eat differently. It is more polite to eat the way you do, changing your fork; however, your husband is not wrong, he has just been brought up differently. When dining was more of a family social activity, before the days of TV, families would sit around the table drawing out the meal with conversation and changing forks set a gentle pace. Manners are about compassion and consideration, as long as your husband is eating neatly and quietly---not calling attention to himself by scraping the plate---let sleeping dogs lie. However, you might teach your children how to eat your way because pacing your bites aids digestion.

Relationships: Husband Flirts With Another Woman
Q Didi,

Is my husband rude?

We were invited to a Valentine's Party. My husband and I have been married for many years. The small party of 13 were mainly couples with one divorcee whom we have met a few times about once every 6 months.

During the party, my husband was approached by the divorcee to engage in a conversation. They basically sat together for most of the party. At first It did not bother me, but then I began feeling awkward as I heard the two of them going on and on about his background. She asked him many questions about his background and occassionally I would hear wows from her. After about an hour, he must have noted that I was sitting further back on the couch with another couple. He acted a bit panicked and tried to come rushing to my side just to begin a small topic. I was a bit angry and averted him and basically kept dodging him. I did not want to embarrass either of us so at one point I stood by him and engaged in conversations with the divorcee as well as some other members of the party. Am I imagining things or was his behavior just rude and inconsiderate?

At one point I did try to join their conversation by standing behind them. Neither acknowledged me. Perhaps he was too busy yacking about himself to notice.

After the party and on our drive home, he mentioned a little about their dialogue - he brought it up and made sure that our daughter slept with the toy she gave my three-year-old. Beats me but I felt quite ditched, awkward and wronged. Or am I just being insecure?

A Your instincts are good. I didn't understand why she gave your daughter a toy. There is a definite need for etiquette between couples when they socialize. They do not have to be glued to each other all evening; they should be engaging in conversation with other couples. A good balance is for couples to spend half the time with others and the other half of the time circulating on their own. If your husband doesn't circle back to you, then circle back to him. If it doesn't look as if you two are tight, both of you will look like open game.

Let's not jump to conclusions. Yes, your husband seems to connect with this woman, but you are his wife. I would gently confront him in an almost teasing, coquettish manner (if that's not your style, then just come out and say it). Let him know that you understand that it flatters his ego when other women flirt with him; nonetheless it was embarrassing for you and inappropriate of her to dominate his time at the party. Tell him that he owes you an evening out to dinner for having to put up with the humiliation. If he knows that there will be consequences for his uncouth behavior, then he will think twice before engaging in conversation with a single woman for too long. Men can be little boys, they stray off and then have to be reprimanded. The problem is that if you don't call him on this, his subconscious is going to tell him that you don't care that she's interested in him. By carefully confronting him, you are showing him that you're not putting up with an "open marriage" where he can screw around.

If there were six couples and one single woman, she should have known better and not dominated your husband. The next time you are invited to a party with this group and she's there, stick to him like glue. Engage her in conversation and make plenty of eye contact. Perhaps he'll walk off, but that's OK, you need to set boundaries with this woman as well as with your husband. Let her know that you and he are tight. It might make you feel self-conscious at first, but married women learn by putting their antennae up when to buzz around hubby to let the single woman know that the husband has a wife.

Be careful not to harp on this. Being married is like riding a horse: you let the reins out until they misbehave and you have to pull them in. If you don't want your husband to stray, then pay attention. Don't nag him about her, just make it crystal-clear that you're not putting up with any further humiliation. And don't let him off the hook about taking you to a movie and dinner.

Relationships: Hyphenating Maiden and Married Name
Q When my husband and I got married last April, I decided to hyphenate my last name, using both my maiden name and my married name. Unfortunately, it seems that family members (on both sides) do not know about my decision, and I am getting shower invitations, etc., addressed with only my married name. What's a good way to let them know that I'd like to be addressed with both names without sounding offended that they didn't know about my decision? Thanks!

A Why not purchase yourself beautiful note paper or correspondence cards that are elegant and stunning with your name as you want it to be known engraved or printed in script or in block. On the matching envelopes, you might have your name as you would like it to be known on the back of the envelope with your return address. By declaring your name in this fashion, you catch people's attention. However, you might remember that there are many people who will ignore your hyphenated name because it is not in their frame of reference as being acceptable. All you can do is to be consistent about your name change; some will pick up on it and others never will. Use your new stationary to thank people for absolutely everything that you can think of to thank them for, even if it is a random gesture of kindness.

Relationships: Illness and Visitors
Q My ex-husband's wife was asked not to come and visit my son in the hospital while he was getting high dose chemo. She insisted on being there and caused great stress for everyone. Is that ever ok to insist on being somewhere you aren't wanted?

A Your ex-husband's wife needs to understand that when people are ill, it is all about them and family and friends need to heed to their wishes. Since your son cannot control his illness, he needs to be able at least to control whom he has to see and spend time. Perhaps she should wait until your son asks to see her before she just appears at his hospital bed.

Relationships: in Business: How to Be a Liked Co-worker
Q In a recent job interview I was asked, "What is the quality you most treasure in a co-worker?" As I am fresh out of college and my previous jobs have not been in a real world office, what should I say if I am asked this question again?

A The polite answer would be: I want my co-workers to be courteous and respect my privacy. A more realistic answer might be: I don't want the co-worker sloughing off work on me because I get irritated when I am doing more than my share of the work.

We all want our co-workers to be willing to help us out in a crunch: to watch our back because we will watch theirs. We also want them to be direct with us and tell us what's up. However, don't forget that the trait in a co-worker you may cherish most is their sense of humor.

Relationships: In Divorce Who Pays for the Child
Q If parents are just recently divorced - is it the sole responsiblity of the father to pay......or should the mother and father share expenses?

A Proper etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. If the father is a gentleman, he will be considerate and make sure that his child is well provided for; if he is compassionate, he will understand the expenses and time involved with raising a child. So: he might make a compromise with the child's mother to share the burden of the cost and in return he will have the joy of spending a lot of time with his child. If the mother and father are unable to come to a satisfactory mutual agreement, they might hire a lawyer to work out the details for them.

Relationships: Inconsiderate Relatives
Q Didi,
We have a constant issue with our daughter-in-law. Our side of the family is invited to their house for a family gathering: recently our grandaughter's 3rd birthday. It always appears that our family seems to disappear during these gatherings. The attention is always very intense on the grandchildren and her side of the family. She is very creative with food and decorations for these events, over-the-top comes to mind, but she has no hostess skills at all. She does not take into consideration the other guests that are there nor their needs. Can you tell me what the proper behavior for a host or hostess should be at combined family gatherings? Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. G. Merkler

A A good host or hostess makes each and every guest feel as if they are special, that they are the most special guest. How you instill this in a person is done early on. You are a role model for the younger generations; therefore you can instill that sense of specialness in the people that you entertain and your children and grandchildren will pick up on this. You cannot teach old dogs new tricks, but by example you can be a role model of good manners and etiquette to your children and grandchildren. Lead them on.

Relationships: Initiating Conversations
Q I think my shyness holds me back from being promoted and socially from making friends and meeting women. I have a lot to offer, but I have trouble networking and circulating. How do I get out of my rut?

A Force yourself to initiate a conversation whenever there is an opportunity. Whether waiting for an elevator, in line anywhere, or at an event, conference, or party. Check out whose around you and initiate a conversation with anyone who is alone or join groups of three or more. Don't approach two people deep in conversation--unless you know them well--because they might get annoyed if you make them change their conversation. Introduce yourself while putting out your hand--after having switched your drink to the left hand.

When you sit down at a conference in an auditorium or at a forum or dining table, introduce yourself to the person to your right and to your left. Give your business card to anyone you hope to hear from or might want to contact. Don't ask anyone for theirs, because if they don't have a business on them, they'll make up a lame excuse. If they want to contact you, they've got your contact information.

Relationships: In-Law Etiquette: Signing Cards
Q What is the proper way to sign an anniversary card for your daughter and son-in-law, by your first name or Mom & Dad?

A If they call you mom and dad, then you would sign it Mom and Dad. If they call you, respectively, Mom & Dad and Sally & Ed, then you would call them Sally & Ed. If your son-in-law does not call you Mom & Dad, then you would sign the card in the most natural but least familiar way. If at some point, he starts calling you Mom & Dad, you can always become more familiar. You are not his Mom & Dad, unless he calls you such.

Relationships: Internet Changes Dating: Meeting, Connecting + Missed Connections
Q Forging relationship through social networking sites can be rather iffy, rather frustrating. What is the etiquette for dating over the internet?

A Surely there are a huge amount of sticky situations daily on social networking sites, as millions play a part by sharing the most excruciatingly intimate details of their lives with everyone they've ever known on Facebook, Myspace and LinkIn. Most online social networkers probably have never seen the 1954 comedy "It Should Happen to You," in which Pete Sheppard (Jack Lemmon), a documentarist, professes his love in a self-made movie that he leaves with his neighbor whom he's in love with and then promptly disappears because she broke a date. Gladys Glover (Judy Holiday) realizes how deeply connected she is to him and ingeniously has the message, "Pete Call Gladys Please", sky-written over his work site and presumably after reconnecting they lived happy every after.

Today couples, more and more, make those connections, misconnections, and break-ups over the Internet. Match.com, e-harmony and Craig's List boast an unbelievable amount of responses. Just last winter, a couple who originally met on a flight in June 2007 while waiting in line to use the head, instantly connected during a forty minute conversation. On a high that one might call "love at first sight," the two were in such rapture, they didn't exchange contact information. Regretting that he hadn't gotten her number, his friends talked him into writing a personal post on Craigs List "Missed Connection." It was a long shot, but she actually found the message the next day and they reconnected, she got a job in Chicago, moved in with him, and months later they were married. The story touched so many people that the couple appeared in the Boston Globe and on the Ellen Degeneres Show.

How has dating changed since the Internet? The reality of Internet socializing isn't really much different from real life socializing. We are different people with different people.

At first, friending to most seemed to be a competition, but the reality is that nobody can keep up with 693 friendships; mostly people you don't know all poking you, sending you plants to support the rain forests, drinks, notifications that include postings of their second cousin's baby's first birthday party--all of which seemingly demand a reply in order to sustain the relationship. Or worse, there is the tale of Tipsy Tinkerbell who told his boss the day before Halloween that he wouldn't be in the next day because his mother had a medical emergency. One of his co-workers sent the boss photos of the employee on Gawkers dressed as Tinkerbell in the most unladylike poses. The boss emailed the embarrassed employee giving him notice that he was fired.

Can you ask a woman out on a date via e-mail? Yes, it is done all the time, but a follow-up phone invitation is warranted as it is important to hear that the voice is the right gender so there are no awkward surprises. This leads to what kind of photos should be sent over the Internet? One of my readers broke up with his girl friend after finding photos of her with another man that she had sent him in a link. He said that he just couldn't get the images out of his mind.

If someone sends a text-message, does that suggest more emotional distance than a phone call? Than a face-to-face communication? Of course it does.

Can you break up with someone over the Internet? No, because you really should look someone in the eye when you dump them.

Can you post a classified ad on Craig's List, the equivalent of a newspaper classified with a whole lot quicker response? Yes, if you would place an ad in a newspaper or magazine, why not place one on the Internet. After all the Internet is fundamentally changing our possibilities, making the world a lot smaller and allowing people to put themselves out there with less risk of rejection. There is, of course, the chance of being duped. Because the Internet can work for you as a fast vetting tool. You just have to learn how to interpret personal ads. "Woman who loves long walks on the beach at sunset" most likely means "I'm an impossibly romantic middle-aged woman whose bound to be disappointed with any relationship because all I know is what I've read in Harlequin romances." "Extremely successful older man" probably means "Thank God I'm rich because I'm nothing to look at." "Passionate" can also mean "I have anger management issues."

Is it proper etiquette to defriend someone? Yes, if you have over a hundred friends, its probably time to weed out the friend's of friends friend and get a life, because nobody could possibly have the free time to return all those pokes and reciprocate with tropical plants that save rain forests. And do you really want to see baby pictures of your second cousin's baby's birthday party?

Will your 639th friend know that you have defriended her? No, she won't be notified. To defriend on Myspace:

Go to account settings
The Privacy Settings
Change Settings
Who can view my profile, where you can customize who gets to see what.

On Facebook:

Users decide who to let in, and you can choose to allow friends and networks such as schools and companies.

Click on Settings
Then choose privacy settings where you can limit profiles for those friends who are less close. You can create friend lists for college, work, family, and control the information that you want to share. You can designate whom you want to share party photos with, for instance, only best friends; family reunion photos for just family.

LinkIn.com is more of a professional Web site where you would definitely want to control the account and settings and privacy settings on the homepage.

At the end of the day, don't drink and type or text, and be careful what you say in those classified ads, unless of course your are reconnecting.

Relationships: Introducing One's Significant Other
Q My boyfriend and I have been living together almost three years. However, he still chokes while introducing me. He says it is because he is uncomfortable revealing the intimacies of our relationship. What is the proper way for him to introduce me to his friends, people in his circle and those around our neighborhood and community? There have been times people have come to our door and act surprised when I answer.
Thank you for your time, you are on my favorites list.

A Thank you for your interesting question.

Since you refer to him as your "boyfriend," he in turn should be referring to you as his "girlfriend." Would that be hard for him? Calling a woman one's "girlfriend" is a huge step towards commitment--it's grown-up. But heck, you've been living together for almost three years. Lots of people have commit-phobia. He needs to get over it. Assuming that because you've been living together you've had the "exclusive relationship" conversation, I would say that it would be fun to make frolic with this.

Why not take on a playful tone and ask him what word or words he would like you to use in referring to him and introducing him: boyfriend, significant other, insignificant other, better half, love of my life, fiance, my robot, my partner, my android...? Once you establish the word, or words, he is comfortable being called, that's you're answer. As his partner, you mirror each other. So, if he introduces you as his "girlfriend," then you introduce him as your "boyfriend." My dear, if you've been with him this long, he can't be that dense. Perhaps he is looking for a deeper commitment from you.

Another suggestion is that it is not always about the words. The tone and inflection in your voice when you introduce him to your friends tell them that you are a couple. Likewise, when he introduces you to his friends, the warmth, the sincerity will shine through. You might have to listen for it.

If he says, "What do you mean, I am not your boyfriend," then you need to respond by saying, "Does that mean that you're happy calling me your girlfriend?" Be playful. Remember that good relationships thrive on good will, good intentions and most of all good humor.

Relationships: Introductions: Handshake
Q How strong a handshake should a man/gentleman give to a woman/lady....at a social gathering or business event....both would be first introductions?

A It is the woman's prerogative whether she choses to shake hands or not. A man would not put out his hand for a woman to shake it. The woman decides whether or not to put out her hand; the man shakes it, perhaps, slightly less aggressively than he would that of another man.

Relationships: Introductions: Stepgrandchildren
Q In a second marriage, how does one introduce the grandchild of one's spouse?

A If the person you are introducing the child to does not know the family, you can simply say something such as: This is Dan's grandson, Charlie. This is Charlotte, Susan's granddaughter. However, if the person is someone who has a vague idea that there are children and grandchildren and might actually be interested to learn how the child is related, you might say something such as:

Annie, I would like you to meet my step-granddaughter, Charlotte. Charlotte is Susan's eldest son's daughter.

I would like to introduce you to Charlie, who is Dan's daughter Emily's son.

Relationships: Is He Cheating?
Q How do I know for sure that my boyfriend is not cheating on me during the day time while he's at work?

A Ask him. Look him the eyes and ask him directly. If his eyes wander and he cannot keep eye contact, then he might be lying.
At the end of the day when you go to hug and kiss him, linger in the hug to see if you can smell the scent of another woman, which might be a whiff of perfume that is not yours. When he gets out of the shower, be there with a huge warm towel to lovingly dry him off while inspecting his body for nail and/ or bite marks that are not yours.

Relationships: Just Say No
Q There's a boy in my class that likes me but I don't like him, and we are going out right now. So I want to break up with him without breaking his heart. What should I do? By "suffocating"


A You need to look the boy in the eye and tell him that you are not interested in him and that you want to hang with lots of other kids.

Relationships: Kids
Q How do you teach a six-year-old boy to speak well to adults and not show off, offending them?

A The grown-ups are his role model of behavior. Sorry, but you will have to change the behavior of the adults in order to improve the behavior of the child.

Relationships: Kids + Presents
Q Hi Didi, I emailed earlier about the 'asked for' birthday gift. My nephew is 11 years old. I always give him a birthday gift. It's not always 'on' his birthday. It's usually at the next visit closest to his actual birthday. When they came to visit, he interrupted a conversation to ask if I had a gift for him. As I said, I thought that was rude and said so. I'm afraid in saying so, I was being as rude as the child. I would like to know what I should do next. I think I owe an apology but I also think the child was wrong. How do you apologize when you're not sure what you're apologizing for? Any advice will be appreciated.

A I don't really think either you or your nephew need to apologize because the slate seems pretty even to me. The child might have been expecting a gift. Perhaps his mom had set him up for it by saying something like this before the visit, "Now don't forget to thank Aunt Betty for your present." So, the kid became impatient waiting for his present. Perhaps you might cut your nephew as well as yourself some slack. Many boys at the age of eleven are still socially quite immature. Your nephew now knows not to expect presents and certainly not to ask, so you have taught him a valuable lesson. Why not send him a belated birthday card with or without a very small check enclosed?

Relationships: Lateness: Time Is Money:
Q Didi, I arrived late today (about 8 minutes ) to a meeting re-scheduled at 10:15. It was a meeting to discuss the Liturgical protocols for summer weddings at Salve Regina's great Hall, which begin soon. I am the liturgist here.

The person in charge was insulted that I arrived late. I said I was under the impression that the meeting was at 10:30. She then e-mailed me - after the meeting - to re-inforce that she had sent me an e-mail with the proper time of 10:15 and that I had responded that would work for me.....which I did. She also indicated that her concern was I "ignored" her request of the time change. But I was under the impression that it was at 10:30. Must be end of the school year burn-out.

However, what I would like to know is this: what is the Newport proper protocol for arriving on time for a meeting? I lived in Washington, DC, for 19 years and we always gave people 30 minutes...

Can you please respond. As I continually get "in trouble" with this same person as an adult man for showing up late on occasion. I am, however, usually on time.

I've searched the internet for this info and cannot find anything. I found your web site and I hope you can help me with an answer.



A I am sorry but you are not going to like my answer. Nobody who wants to keep his or her job is ever thirty minutes late to a meeting. Even fifteen minutes late can stretch a person's patience . A professional is never more than ten minutes late. Only socially can you afford to be fifteen minutes late. As you've no doubt detected, there is a power play being carried out here; she feels that she has to keep you in line for wasting her time. Fortunately you can backtrack about this one issue, but only once. Send her an e-mail saying that you stand corrected; you now realize that you were mistaken about the time. Tell her that you won't let that happen again. Then wish her a wonderful summer. Think of it this way---put yourself in her shoes: would you like to have to sit around waiting for someone for thirty minutes? I don't know where you got the thirty minutes late time rule, because that just doesn't make sense in a world where time is measured by money. You allow ten minutes for bad traffic, but that's not even a valid excuse this time of year in Newport. This woman has it in her head that you are the type of person who is always late and therefore you need to change that image by backtracking with a short, swift apology. If there is one thing that you need to know about women, it is that a woman needs to know that you respect her. By always being late, you are signaling to her that you don't respect her time. The sooner you send that note of apology, the better.

Relationships: Left-Handed Compliment Response
Q What is the best way to respond to a left-handed compliment? By that, I am referring to what I perceive as an insult disguised as a compliment. I had a dinner guest who said while eating a meal at my dinner table, "This is one of the better meals I've had at your house." He wasn't saying it was a good meal, just better than he usually has. What do I say? Thank you? I have also had the occasion, usually at work, where someone says, "You don't look as tired today." What do I say? Thank you so much. P.S. I am no longer friends with the former dinner guest nor do I still work at the place where I looked so tired all the time.

A As you probably already know, unhappy people can often be unkind and lash out at others. You have a choice of either overlooking the slight or going up the ladder and saying something such as this, "Well, you've never looked better." Or, to the disgruntled dinner guest, "Next time you come for dinner, I will make sure that I include one of your favorite foods, what meat or fish to you like best?" Then, of course, you needn't invite him again. Don't take these slights personally; remember that their bitterness and cruelty is not about you. Whenever you go up the ladder, you win in the end.

Relationships: Letters of Sympathy: Condolence
Q How do you write a condolence letter? What do you say?

A The most difficult of all letters to write are those of condolence. Expressing your bereavement with sympathy and affection can give great comfort and help to alleviate the sorrow. Here is a short note you can elaborate on by adding your own words.

Dear ______,

We are very sorry for your loss. You and your family have always been so significant in the community. ______ will be missed by all of us.

Our love and prayers are with you,

Relationships: Meanness
Q dessert or treat etiquette
I have gotten very upset on more than one occasion regarding my wife and her dessert etiquette. I've sat at my computer and watched my wife scoop out some ice cream for her and our daughter and not consider asking me if I'd like some, too. It hurts when she does that and it ends up in a fight. My hunch is she thinks I'm somehow demoralizing her by me expecting she ask or even scoop some out for me. She tells me I can fetch my own. Well, it happened again. We were gonna hang out once the kids were in bed. I was waiting for her and was going to pull out a couple of ice cream bars. She beat me to the freezer only to find her pulling out one for herself. I was mad and she said, "If you're mad cuz I didn't grab you one f-you and I don't want to hang out with you". Another way is I'll go to the store to grab a couple of things we may need like bread,cereal or milk (not regular grocery shopping)and get things I know she likes like apples and coffee. She'll go to the store get some things for her and the kids and not consider maybe grabbing a couple of things I enjoy like grapefruit or energy drinks. I'm sorry but I think it's totally rude. Is there an etiquette? Am I too demanding, have false expectations, or is the person that loves me so much selfish and uncaring?

A It sounds as if something is bothering your wife, and it is not just about the treats and desserts. Why not sit her down and ask her what's wrong? Say something such as this, "Please tell me what's bothering you because I know that you are upset about something. Perhaps if you got it off your chest, we could work out the problem together." If your wife is irritable and angry, there could be a number of reasons for her bad behavior. It could be a medical problem: she might have some sort of underlining infection that is making her tired and she just doesn't have the energy to be nice. Or an emotional problem: often when people lash out like that and treat someone badly, it is because they themselves have been treated badly. The language she is using is abusive and you shouldn't put up with it, especially if there are children in the house. Try to get to the root of the problem even if you have to go for couples' counseling. Remember that you and your wife are role models of behavior for your children and how you treat one another is how your children are learning to treat their eventual partner. This is not just about you, but it is your responsibility to stop the abuse.

Relationships: Meddling Mom
Q How do you tell your mother to stay out of your relationship with a significant other?

A Tell your mother that you love her very much but that you also love your significant other. Tell her that you feel it is disloyal of her to engage you in conversation about someone you are involved with and inappropriate for her to meddle in your love life.

Relationships: Meeting Friends for Dinner
Q How can one invite friends to join them at a restaurant with the understanding that everyone pays for his/her own meal?

A Say something like this, "Hey, John and I are going to the Brick Alley Pub Friday night for a hamburger; do you and George want to meet us there at seven?" Notice that you are not inviting them out to dinner. You are merely stating that you will be at the pub at seven, if they want to join you. If that does not sound clear enough, you might say, "John and I are meeting at the Brick Alley Pub for a hamburger at seven, if you want to meet for a Dutch Treat hamburger." Using the expression "Dutch Treat," means that everyone pays their own tab. When the server brings the bill, John says to George, shall we split this or add up exactly what each of us ordered. Establishing boundaries in social situations makes it easier to meet in the future.

Relationships: Meeting Someone + You Didn't Hear /Catch the Name
Q You've just been introduced to someone, but you didn't hear their name, what do you do?

A You say, "Would you please tell me your name again so I can remember it?" Or, "I am sorry but I didn't catch your name, would you tell it to me again, please?"

Relationships: Meeting Suitable Women
Q I am retired engineer. My elder son was married in 2001,but marriage was broken within 8 to 10 months. Since than, he could not get remarried, the girl (my son's ex-wife remarried with another fresh boy). My son could not get even divorced girl suitable for him. Kindly suggest how to get him remarried his biodata is as follows:
dob:27.02.1973,TOB:00:35 AM.POB:jodhpur(rajasthan);
spsharma

A Encourage your son to take up a sport, or join a health club because that's where he will find women his age. Alternatively, he could find suitable women by volunteering at a museum, library, school, or place of worship. Your son needs to get out and meet different people and there are many opportunities to do that, even if he takes classes at night school after work.

Most people meet their mate through friends, people like himself. If he's not socializing with his friends, he might be depressed. Talk to him, because depression is a lonely road and your encouragement and concern will be welcomed.

Relationships: Meeting the Boyfriend's Parents
Q I am meeting my boyfriend's parents for the first time...should I bring her flowers? What about the dad...should I bring him anything?

A In order to give you a proper answer, I would need to know more about your relationship. For instance if you and your boyfriend are in a committed relationship and you are either living together or talking about marriage, then you might bring your boyfriend's parents a small gift. However, if your boyfriend's parents are wealthy and you are still unsure of his commitment, bringing a gift of any kind might seem like a desperate ploy for acceptance.

If you are going for the weekend, you might bring a box or French handmade soaps of handmade chocolate. However, if you are just going for dinner, I would ask your boyfriend for advice because if they have a very grand house with servants and you walk in with a sweet bouquet of flowers, they might seem insignificant amongst the huge vases of flowers. I am not sure you need to bring a gift. If you are not spending the night, you do not need to bring anything.

Relationships: Meeting Your Boyfriend's Parents: Being a Modern Lady
Q Hi Didi,

I will be meeting my boyfriend's parents for the first time this weekend. I am both excited and anxious. I was wondering if it was appropriate to send a "great to meet you" note to their home after they depart.

Sincerely,
Meg

A It is all right to send a note to your boyfriend's parents' home, if you have additional information to relay to them.

For instance, over the course of the weekend you might say, "Let me get back to you with a better answer." Or, "I think I know someone who might know about ...." Or, "I'll send you the Web address for the on-line stationery site."

Then you can start the note with, "It was lovely to meet you", followed by, "The title of the book that I thought might be helpful (or "enjoy") is ....." Or, "As promised, the name of that cardiologist in Pittsburgh who operated on my dad is ...." Or, "The Broadway play that my parents loved best was ...." You get the picture.

Additionally, you can thank your boyfriend's parents for any meals you were treated to while in their company, or any gift of food or wine that they might have brought with them or bought while in your company, even if you already thanked them in person.

In my opinion, you would tone it down a bit, perhaps by using the word "lovely" instead of "great" to describe how you felt about meeting them. Just be your sweet, down to earth self and you'll be fine as long as you say "please," "thank you," and never interrupt or correct your boyfriend (in front of anyone else) or his parents. Be a modern lady and use your social graces, those honed skills that help you to interact politely in a social situation that include manners and etiquette. Monitor your elocution, grammar, and tone of voice.

Lastly, remember that your best accessory is not your lip gloss, it is your smile. Smiling will show your boyfriend's parents that you have a good disposition and giving them a smile will make you feel confident.

Relationships: Messy Employees
Q How do we get our employees to clean up after themselves, such as trash lying all over the office at copy centers, plot rooms, etc.? Conference rooms are always a mess after meetings.


A The most efficient way to handle messy employees is to go right to the department of human resources and ask them to send an email and/or memo around to all the employees saying that "As of such and such date, all employees will be responsible for clearing off their desk and tidying their office before they leave for lunch and at the end of the day. If they use a conference room, they are responsible for leaving the room as they found it. Make it clear that this is a serious issue not only because it is humiliating when visitors come by and see such a messy workplace but because it is bad for employee moral. It is all about having respect for the workplace and the people around you.

Relationships: Missing Stepmother's Big Birthday Celebration
Q My husband's father's stepsons hosted a 65th birthday for their mother. We live in the same city and were mailed an invitation; we see them once a year if that.

We failed to attend - I had the dates wrong and missed it, now my father-in-law is upset with us. We are in our 6th month of living in our home which has $28,000 worth of internal/external damage, issues with insurance and contractors. We have been so focused on the disaster and due to that just forgot.

What can we do to make this wrong a right one? Feeling bad.

A Is there any way that you could invite his father and stepmother for brunch, lunch, or dinner? That way they could see the work in progress, and therefore would be more apt to sympathize with your plight. While you have their attention at the dinner table, you both can apologize for having missed her 65th birthday. You could even bake a cake and have your own private celebration.

Don't worry about trying to impress them with your housekeeping, they will understand that a house under renovation is impossible to keep organized, let alone keep clean.

I want you to repair the damage to the relationship, even if you're tired of thinking about repairs. The important thing to do is to backtrack; the sooner you can invite them to see and experience what you've been going through while, I presume, you are both going to work everyday, the better. Don't even think about getting a gift, just focus on showing them how real you are, how real your problems are, and how much you would appreciate their understanding your predicament. That is the best that you can do and I am sure that your husband's father and stepmother will understand once they see for themselves the stress and pressure that you've been going through.

If having them to brunch or to dine is impossible, then take them to a simple restaurant. Meet at your house first and show them what's been going on, give them a tour, have a drink, and then take them to a local pizza parlor or pub that serves good hamburgers. At some point during the meal, with a coke, beer or glass of wine in hand, your husband can toast his step-mother's birthday.

Time is of the essence here, so you need to pick up the phone and backtrack as soon as possible. Please know that his father and stepmother will understand and will appreciate your efforts.

Relationships: Mom Playing Cupid
Q My son is living with a girl, do I give her a valentine gift?

A Excuse me but I do not understand why you would be giving your son's girl a Valentine gift. Aren't Valentines supposed to be anonymous? What happened to romance? Unless you want to bake cookies or something, giving your son's girl a present is not necessary.

Relationships: Monogrammed Handtowels
Q I am sending a friend monogrammed antique linen handtowels as a wedding present and I am wondering what the monogram should be if her name is Katherine Louise Ross and she is marrying James Todd White?

A What a perfectly lovely and original gift. If it is a wedding present, and the monogram on the linen hand towel is in script then the first initial of the bride's new last name would be in the center and much larger in size than the first initial of her first name and the first initial or her middle name, it would be: KWR

If the monogram is in block letters, then the letters are all the same size and the first initial of the new last name is the last initial in the monogram; it would be: KRW

Relationships: Mother + Son-Law: What to Call Your Mother-In-Law
Q My future mother-in-law has asked me to start calling her Mom. This makes me uncomfortable since she is not actually my mother. Is this a common practice or do I have a valid point here?

A It might be a common practice in some circles to call your mother-in-law "Mom," but you are not obligated to do so if it makes you uncomfortable. Since she has broached the subject of what you should call her, you can open the subject up to discussion. In my opinion, humor is the best tone to take here. With a big smile on your face say, "Mrs. Jones, thank you for inviting me to call you Mom, but my Mom thinks she's my only Mom.
Would you mind awfully if I called you by your first name?"

She won't be able to resist responding positively to your politeness by saying, "Matthew, please call me Mary." Then you can thank her, and that's that.

Relationships: Mother Ashamed of Daughter's Table Manners
Q I am ashamed of my daughter's behavior at the table. Are there any etiquette classes that I could send her to?

A Children learn good etiquette and manners in the home. You are her role model for all her behavior. If there is a caregiver whom she eats with who has bad table manners, your daughter will mimic those manners. It is important to acknowledge good behavior and encourage better manners by telling her why putting her elbows on the table or not, keeping her napkin in her lap, and leaving her wet soup spoon on the tablecloth makes the table messy. Make a game out of good manners. Be funny. Show her what happens when you try cutting meat without a fork or eating mashed potatoes with your hands. If you show her how bad manners look, she will laugh and understand why she doesn't want people to see her licking mashed potatoes off of her fingers. Take her to a nice restaurant and she will want to be on her best behavior. Also, you can point out other people's bad manners. Let's say you're at a coffee shop and someone with their elbows on the table knocks over their water glass. You point out that there is a good reason why not to put your elbows on the table. If your daughter repeatedly hears you saying please and thank you and please pass the butter and may I please have the salt, your good manners will wear off on her. The clue here is to remember that the child is not bad, and that it is her behavior that needs improving. Often making a lunch date with another mother and daughter is a good way to make your daughter conscious of the importance of good table manners. If your daughter sits in front of the TV during dinner time, there is no social interaction and therefore no reason for her to be considerate and have good manners. Whatever you do, do not tell your daughter that you are ashamed of her. If there is a reason that your daughter has not picked up your good manners, find the reason and work from there. Often ballroom dancing classes are an excellent way to get a child socialized. Taking your daughter to tea at an elegant hotel and dressing up appropriately is another way to show her how to behave by your example. A lot of people in trying to get through to children about the importance of good manners will say something like "People like us don't chew with our mouth open or put our elbows on the table." It sounds very snotty but sometimes they need to think about the kinds of people who have good manners, those who are educated, and those who do not. Remember to teach her that etiquette and manners are all about consideration and compassion for others.

Relationships: Mother-In-Law + New Born Baby
Q I just had a baby in December and I feel my mother-in-law will be possesive w/my child. When she was here to help me, I was just out of the hospital and maybe I didn't give off a good vibe (cause I was recovering from my surgery, and not getting enough sleep on top of it) and she was saying/doing things that were inappropriate. She said to my newborn son, "Let's go out and throw snowballs at mommy". I didn't say anything. She snuck him out of the nursery (when I was walking in late at night). Now she is away on vacation and called saying she needs a picture of him for me to send cause she misses him so much!!! (She had a picture but it got messy in their RV.) I know this is the first grandchild in the family, but I feel she is a bit possessive. She does not live w/us. (thank God) What is the appropriate way to handle her? Thank you.


A As soon as possible, you and your husband need to start setting boundaries for the safety of your baby, and your own sanity. You need to tell your mother-in-law what she can do with the baby and what she cannot do with the baby. These are the rules of your house and they apply to everyone who comes to visit. You need to tell her exactly what makes you uncomfortable about her behavior and you need to make sure she understands what you've said, so you might say, "Do you understand what I said and why?" Whenever possible give her specific instances. For instance, when you go for a walk and the baby is sleeping, you do not want her picking him/her up because he/she needs his/her sleep. Explain that you are striving to get the baby on a schedule and that you need everyone to cooperate. Talk about safety as being your major concern. Say it makes you uncomfortable when you think your baby is not safe. Hold your ground and stick to your boundaries, even if you have to forgo the services of a free baby sitter. It is perfectly natural for you to be protective of your baby. Next time she comes to visit tell her that what you really need her to do is to sit in the rocking chair with the baby in her arms and gently rock him/her to sleep. Make some responsibility such as this her role and appreciate her when she helps you out in this way.

Relationships: Mother-in-Law + Wife Fight Over Front Seat
Q What is the proper car-seating etiquette when my mother-in-law comes to visit and my husband is driving? We have a mini van, so the middle row seats are the same comfort-wise as the front seats. Years ago my MIL made it clear to me that the front seat was her place. She actually said, "Aren't you going to let me sit in front?", when I went to sit there. However when I drive and my husband goes to sit in back, she says to him, "Oh honey, I can sit back there". But she never offers to sit in back when it's me. I've always wondered what the proper etiquette was.

A Give your mother-in-law some slack and let her sit in the front seat. Or rent her the movie Driving Miss Daisy and tell her how grand it is to sit in the back and be driven by a chauffeur. Alternatively, you could take turns with your mother-in-law sitting in the front seat. Proper etiquette would be that your mother-in-law sits wherever she likes because she is the guest.

Relationships: Mother-In-Law Dilemma
Q When you know your daughters-in-law don't like you but you don't know why and we live 1 mile apart - it makes family gatherings uncomfortable b/c everything has to be separate, what is the right way to deal with this when it comes to grandchildren and birthdays and adult birthdays and holidays?

A Why is it that they don't like you? Do they feel that you are critical? The most important rule in families is to never ever criticize, not to someone's face or behind the back. Go up the ladder and continue to be kind and generous to your daughters-in-law and they will come to love and respect you. Without knowing exactly why they don't like you, it is difficult to guess. I do know that the biggest problem in families come about when people are critical.

Relationships: Mother-In-Law/Grandmother Etiquette
Q My 35-year-old daughter-in-law is always wearing low cut tops that expose her boobs to everyone. Plus sits all hunched over, exposing even more! Is there a tasteful way to tell her she needs to cover up? People comment on her attire and exposure. They have an 8-year-old daughter and a 5-month-old boy. It is embarrassing and doesn't set a good example to her young daughter.

Thank you

A As you well know, criticism destroys relationships. Often women who dress provocatively are seeking attention, so calling direct attention to her style of dressing and her posture will only feed her craving for attention. Your daughter-in-law may also think that her breasts are her best attribute, just as, say, women with great legs are apt to wear their skirts too short.

The only way you can point this out is to talk about the dress style and hunching in different conversations. Remember if she was really proud of her prowess, she wouldn't be hunching. She would hold her shoulders back straight, proud of her "asset."

Start the conversation by talking about posture in general. Take her out to lunch and shopping and make comments such as this: "What a pretty woman over there in the yellow top, if only she had better posture, she would be stunning. If only her mother had been concerned about her posture early on she wouldn't look so much older than she probably is because she's all hunched over." In another conversation you might suggest ballet lessons for your granddaughter because early ballet lessons is a great way to make young girls aware of their posture. I'm not talking about turning your granddaughter into a ballerina. It's just that a ballet class would serve most women well their whole life in terms of their spinal health.

As you know, body posture reflects how a person feels about herself inside as well as out. Correcting your daughter-in-law's posture is out of your domain. The horse has already left the barn on that one, so to speak.

What you can do is promote your granddaughter's good posture by complimenting it when it is good and seeing that she is interested in activities that promote good posture: gymnastics, swimming, tennis, ballet--not in any particular order. You could take her to the ballet and afterwards talk to her about the importance of good posture: good posture makes you look taller, good posture makes you look more self-confident. If you want to get picked to be on a team in gym class, you're more apt to be chosen if you have good posture.

How to change your daughter-in-law's style of dressing is a stickier issue. They say your friends wear off on you. If her friends and peers dress that way, then chances are she goes shopping with them and that reinforces that style of dress. The only thing you can do is to point out to her that the woman "over there" has an unattractive and inappropriate neckline, by using such expressions as "bad dresser," "desperate," or something such as, "She's such a pretty girl, too bad she doesn't know how to dress."

As to your granddaughter, she could well on her own prefer turtlenecks, boat-neck sweaters and collared shirts, so don't sell her short, but do promote a sport for her. Offer to take her for a week or two once or twice a year and work on her manners, which of course would include the importance of good posture. It will show that you take your role of grandmother seriously.

Relationships: Mother-In-Laws
Q My mother-in-law seems to think she doesn't have to call us to wish us happy birthday. She sends a card with a gift and we should call her on our day and thank her for the gift. Often we don't have the card on the actual date of our birthday, but she expects us to always call her on her birthday or whatever holiday it is. We have a lot of issues with her and this is just her way of annoying us some more, the gift is not given graciously, it's her obligation to do it.

A It sounds as if you have a lot of issues with your mother-in-law and that you are letting her get under your skin. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. On the one hand, you need to cut her some slack and ignore the fact that she likes to push your buttons. On the other hand, you might want to set some boundaries. Instead of calling her, why not write to her instead? That way you won't get caught up in annoying conversations that leave you frustrated and irritated. When people are unhappy they often try to make others unhappy. Why not go out of your way to go up the ladder and be kind to her. Overwhelm her with kindness to see how she reacts. If she doesn't behave more considerately, then ignore her if she makes you so unhappy. Alternatively, you might find a jovial way to tell her that you have noticed that she sets a higher standard of behavior for you than she does for herself.

Relationships: Mother's Day: Daughter Wants to Present on Mother's Day
Q This year my daughter was a mother for the first time. I sent her a card and kept making over the fact that she was a new mother! Last night(Mother's Day) she called me and was absolutely crushed and in tears that I had not sent her a gift.
Was I wrong for not sending her a Mother's Day gift?

A She should have called you on Mother's Day and sent you a card or present because you are her mother. In my opinion, it sounds as if there are other issues going on here. Perhaps, you might want to spend some time with your daughter to find out if something is bothering her.

No, you were not wrong because you didn't send your daughter a gift for Mother's Day.

Relationships: Mourning Period
Q What is the proper mourning period when you lose a spouse?

A A spouse's period of mourning might depend upon the age of the widow or widower and how long they had been a couple. Each person deals with the death of a spouse differently in their own way and in their own time. There is no right or wrong. The spouse probably would not want to go out socially, except to dine with close friends, for three months. Between the third and the sixth month, the spouse might start feeling more interested in getting out and seeing friends at smallish gatherings; this should be encouraged.

Relationships: Name Change + Recognition
Q I have just married for the second time (first husband dies after 33 years)and have used my present last name for the past 37 years. I have various business titles, etc., in my present name and do not want to confuse creditors, business associates, etc. I am thinking of keeping my name as it stands now for personal use, and hyphenating it for personal use, is this advisable?

A It is your name so whatever you choose to do you will have to live with. Name recognition is important to business as well as to social circles; do what will make it easiest for people to connect with you.

Relationships: Naming Children
Q I am a divorced mother that kept her married name. I am now unwed and pregnant with my second child. I do not wish to use the name of the father of my second child. Would it be improper to give my newborn son my married last name even though my ex-husband is not the father? I don't believe he would object and I am not sure what name I would use. Would I have to use my maiden name even though I do not want to change my own last name?

A Ask yourself, what name will be on the child's birth certificate under "Father's Name"? One day the child will see his birth certificate. Will the child be angry with you for keeping him from his father? If you don't know who the father is, that is another story and we won't go there. What if your child, as do many children nowadays, wants to find his birth father and you've lied to him for years? The consequences might be disastrous. What will happen when your other child's father comes around and your second child asks if he is his Daddy, too, because they have the same last name? Whatever decision you make should be based on how your son might react not to having his father's last name. I can understand why you want your children to have the same last name, but won't you be deceiving your son into assuming that your children have the same father? That would be cruel. Perhaps, then it would be better if this new child has your maiden name, as I think it will be very difficult to have to explain to the child why he has the same last name as his sibling but not the same father. Maybe you should be honest with this new child before it is even born and give him the last name of his blood father. I am sorry that I have not given you a very satisfactory answer, but it would be cruel to keep the identity of your son's father from him. When you think about it, this is really not about you. It is really about your son. Do what's best for him.

Relationships: Needy Ill Friends
Q Friend calls constantly to talk about her health problems. She's losing friends because of this. How can I tell her I don't want to hear about it anymore. She is craving for attention, I believe.

A At some point, while still showing compassion, you might need to suggest to your friend that for her own good she might need to talk to a professional about her health problems because you are at a loss as to how to help her. Tell her it frustrates you that you cannot solve her problems, which is why you want her to seek professional guidance. Perhaps you might network with your friends or church to find her either a group therapy situation or a particular social worker with an MSW, and give your friend the name and telephone number. There is help out there for everyone; she just has to look for it. If you establish boundaries as to what you will discuss with her and what you will not, by changing the subject when she brings up her health problems and bringing up the subject of professional health care workers and then change the subject, she will eventually pick up on the fact you are setting boundaries. Be consistent, keep those boundaries.

Relationships: Neighbors Who Don't Follow Through
Q We live in VA and have moved to a new neighborhood. Last week the woman across the street asked my husband and I to attend a function at her home on Saturday. She said she would put a note in our door giving me the details.(time, etc.) I received no note thus we did not attend. If she asks why we didn't attend how should I respond? She could clearly see that we were home, and had she sent the details we would probably have gone to her party.

A Something might have come up and your new neighbor was unable to carry out her plans. In situations such as this, one where the neighbor's intentions were good and she didn't carry through, you need to go up the ladder and forgive and forget. She may have not been feeling well or perhaps lost a close friend or relative. Please do not take this supposed slight personally, because her intentions were good. Once you get to know her better, you might understand her better and thus be quicker to understand next time. Why not invite her over for coffee or drinks and get to know her better. Most of the time we become so self-involved that we often forget obligations and then we don't know how to backtrack and repair them. Since she is your neighbor, and will presumably be in your life for a while, why not go up the ladder and keep an open mind about the relationship until you know more about her? At the very least send her a Christmas card so that she remembers your names. In other words, give your neighbor the benefit of the doubt, at least until you get to know her.

Relationships: Networking Through Friends During Difficult Times
Q Hi.
Thank you for reading this. This has been bugging me for a few days now. My husband got laid off again (he got laid off in Jan and August) this year. I have been working two jobs just to make ends meet. His friend has been urging him to join their bowling team. He promises to pay for the costs. They desperately want my husband on their team because he's a good bowler. I argued to my husband that it might not be appropriate at this time because we have two kids. I'm going to work more and our kids need him at home. I also think that he should be busy looking for jobs, instead of bowling. Am I being selfish?

Confused and Tired

A My dear, please don't feel that you alone are confused and tired because there are many working mothers like yourself who are undergoing great stress. During this downturn in the economy, more and more families are struggling to keep it all together.

I want you to look at the big picture here. I understand that while you are working two jobs your husband has to stay at home with your children; however, in order for him to network, your husband is going to have to get out there and communicate his strengths and skills to others in order to find a new job.

Would you consider making a compromise? Tell him that he can bowl one night a week, but for every night he bowls, he has to have a job interview. Not just making an inquiry, but actually making an appointment for an interview and going to that interview. His reward for getting to bowl is following through on the job leads that he hears about when he's out bowling.

As you well know, your husband is not going to get a job staying a home. He needs to be connecting with people who have jobs and who can let him know when they hear about a job that is opening up so that he can leap to get the interview.

Do you have a family member who can stay with your children while he gets out to network? If not, perhaps you could take turns with another family in your neighborhood by having your husband watch their children in your house in return for them watching your children in their house. I don't know the ages of your children, but if they are old enough, perhaps he could take them to the bowling alley with him and they can do their homework while he bowls.

I know this is exhausting, but you just have to hang in there for another year until the economy comes back. Unfortunately, the solution is not having your husband stay at home. He needs to get out and connect with other working people and network. He is not going to hear about jobs that might be opening up by staying at home. Most jobs are gotten by being proactive, by getting out there and hearing about jobs through face-to-face contact and through word-of-mouth. By the time your husband reads about a job opening in the classified ads section of the newspaper, there are already people interviewing for that job. He needs to circulate, network, and communicate his skills to his friends in order to find a job.

Perhaps you could give this a trial run. Say that he can bowl every time he has a job interview and if he doesn't follow through, then he has to stop bowling. Making a compromise is a start towards solving the big problem of his finding a job.

Relationships: New Baby + Granny
Q I am expecting a baby in less than 2 months, and my mother-in-law has been purchasing large amounts of various baby items from garage sales. I feel bad that she is spending her money on these things, because I will not use any of them. I want my baby to have new, clean, unused items. Is there any polite way to tell her? My husband seems to be in agreement with me, but does not want to address it with her.

A It is good that you are discussing this delicate problem now because you and your husband might want to set some boundaries for your mother-in-law before your baby is born. The sooner boundaries are established, the better. You need to sit down with her and tell her not to worry about getting things for your baby. Tell her that because this is your first baby, you only want clean, sanitized things for your baby. Baby items in particular are home to bed bugs and other unthinkables. Would she want your baby to play with a public pay phone? Be sure you ask her if she understands your reasoning. Perhaps you and your husband might assign her one important article you need for the baby which she can scout out. For instance, you will need a rocking chair so that when she comes she can sit in the chair and spend a couple of hours at a time gently rocking the baby. A wood rocking chair can be sanitized and varnished or painted white and she can find or make a nice pad for the seat to match your color scheme for the baby's room. The goal here is to change her focus in order to help her understand what you need from her and how she can be useful. Be clear in talking to her, stick to the boundaries, and make sure she understands. Every new mother needs someone to rock their baby, which you might greatly appreciate sometime soon.

Relationships: New Mom Wants Gifts for Friends
Q I have a question that may not pertain to manners and etiquette, but I am expecting a newborn anytime soon and want to give a gift to my friends in celebration. Guys usually give out cigars to his male friends, but what is given to the women? Please respond. Thank You!

A How about small boxes of handmade chocolate wrapped in either pale blue or pale pink.

Relationships: Niece Wants a Thank-You
Q I recently sent photographs of my grandchildren to my parents, my aunt and a sibling. I have not heard anything from my Aunt indicating that she has or has not received the photographs. My parents and my sibling have both told me that yes, my Aunt received the photographs and she loved them. Am I wrong in feeling that I should have heard something from my Aunt telling me she received the photographs so that I knew they were received and not damaged in shipping or is it normal to not to expect acknowledgement upon receipt of a personal gift such as family photographs?

A My dear, you have been most generous in sending family members photographs; however, you need to cut your aunt some slack. We don't really know what goes on in other people's lives and the reasons they don't respond to social bids, especially from relatives. Be patient, in her own time your aunt might respond in a way that she feels is appropriate.

Relationships: Noisy Dinner Partner
Q Is it appropriate to scrape your teeth across the fork while eating in a formal setting?

A You need to consider a couple of things here: Does the person who is scraping his teeth have new teeth or teeth that are too large? The person may have been having with trouble with his dentures or his jaw may be deformed. Until you get to the bottom of this, you need to be sympathetic to his plight.

Relationships: Not Hugging Relatives
Q Do you have to hug relatives? I feel uncomfortable doing this? Thanks!

A In my opinion, some of us are good at hugging and being cozy and others are not. The problem with this is that if you don't discuss the fact that you are "just not a hugger," you will be labeled cold and standoffish. So, at some point you will want to mention that you have a fetish about hugging. That way you get it out in the open and people won't expect a hug or try to hug you. Make light of it. In a breezy way be slightly self-deprecating and that should defuse any tension. We all have our idiosyncrasies, and if hugging makes you uncomfortable, own up to it and that will make you more endearing to your relatives.

Relationships: Note to Friend With Broken Heart
Q What type of note do you write to someone with a broken heart because of a failed relationship?

A In a note to the person with a broken heart you might reassure her/him that if they were capable of opening their heart to fall in love once, they will be able to fall in love again. You might tell them how sorry you feel for them because you know how hard they worked on the relationship but you are sure they learned a lot about love and themselves from the experience.

Relationships: Office Etiquette: The Stinky Eater
Q Not to be a snob but one of the other workers in my office brings in lunch, heats it up in the staff kitchen, and then eats at his desk. The stink from the food permeates not only the lunch room but trails down the hall to where our desks sit side-by-side. I genuinely like this person, just not what they eat. My co-workers agree and we thought we would ask you for advice as to how to handle this delicate situation diplomatically?

A Your co-worker would rather hear something of this nature about himself from a trusted friend so try to decide amongst you, with as little chitty-chat as possible, which one of you knows this person best. That person should tell the stinky eater exactly how the rest of the office feels. You can tell him that the scent of some foods are an acquired taste that is not shared by all. Be upfront and kind. Perhaps once he has changed his lunch menu, you could all take him out for a friendly drink after work to celebrate. Look at it this way, if the stench is really so bad you might be saving him from losing his job. Whatever you do, try not to embarrass your co-worker but you can remind him that most people would rather hear criticism from a friend than their boss.

Relationships: Office: Odd Ball Co-workers
Q There is a woman in our office who feels she has to correct punctuation in email and memos from anyone she receives. We are all sick of it. I think it is rude of her. What do you think?

A I totally agree with you that it is incredibly rude of her to correct emails and email them back. What do you do about it? Well, you can cannot confront her because, as you know, nothing destroys a relationship faster than criticism. Can you be helpful? It is the job of the human resources department to deal with inappropriate behavior, even if it is just overzealous behavior. Go in with a co-worker and say that her behavior is bad for staff morale. That will perk up their ears. Show examples of her behavior. Then ask advice as to how her behavior should be handled. At that point, they should offer to take over.

Relationships: Old Beaus
Q I am 64 yrs old and I have often thought about a boyfriend I had in school over 40 yrs ago. I would like to email him as he lives out of state and say Hi. I would just like to know that he is well and laugh about the old days. Would that be proper?

A Why not? Go for it! There are a couple of ways that you can do this. You can join one of the social networking sites such as facebook.com and invite him to join your network.

Or, be direct and telephone to say that you had a dream about him and so that's why you're calling.

Relationships: Opening Gifts When Gift Is Mailed
Q When a person gives a gift, suppose a grandparent to a child, for a birthday, Christmas or other holiday, is there an obligation on the part of the receiver to open the gift in front of the giver? If so, is it appropriate to withhold a gift for one of these specific events until the receiver of the gift makes a journey to the giver's home, over 100 miles away and the receiver is under the age of 12?

A The receiver, now matter what his age, is under no obligation to open the gift in front of the giver. I often say, "Please open this later, if you like," because some people get self-conscious opening gifts. They are afraid their facial expression might give away their disappointment. Personally, I feel it is cruel to withhold a gift from a child to be opened at another time just so the giver can watch him open it: the gift is about the receiver's birthday, not the giver. Why would the giver have mailed the gift in the first place, if she didn't want the child to open the gift on his birthday, or at Christmas?

Relationships: Partner Wants to Attend Ex-Wife's Funeral
Q MY EX-WIFE JUST PASSED, WE WERE SEPARATED FOR 4 YEARS, THEN DIVORCED ABOUT A YEAR AFTER I MET MY PRESENT GIRLFRIEND AND LIVE-IN PARTNER OF 3 YEARS. MY X JUST PASSED, BUT FOR 3 YEARS CONTROLLED WHEN AND IF MY GIRLFRIEND MICHELLE WAS WELCOME TO MY TWO SONS' BIRTHDAYS OR XMAS, ETC...I WENT ALONE SEVERAL TIMES BUT MICHELLE HAD THE ONLY FIGHT WE HAVE EVER HAD OVER MY EX AND FAMILY EVENTS. WE RECENTLY WENT TOGETHER TO A FEW BIRTHDAYS, AND MY EX DID GO ALSO. MY EX'S REQUEST TO OUR SONS AND HER SISTER WAS FOR MICHELLE TO NOT ATTEND THE SERVICES. FAMILY MEMBERS SAY SHE SHOULD NOT GO IF MY EX DID NOT WANT HER. MICHELLE IS OF THE OPINION THAT I THINK MORE OF WHAT MY EX WANTED THAN OF SHOWING MY KIDS THAT WE ARE A COUPLE, THAT I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT BY MY GIRLFRIEND AND NO MATTER THE EX'S DESIRES TO HER FAMILY, SHOW UP TOGETHER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

A You mention the word "services," does that mean there is more than one? If so, why not compromise and take your partner to one of the services? For instance, invite her to come with you to the church service because church services are open to the public, but don't take her to the burial or the reception. That way you are making a compromise, and yet she won't be in everyone's face at all the services.

There are two things that I would need to know in order to give you a good answer. Were you seeing Michelle while you were married to your wife? Did you leave your wife for Michelle? If your answer to these two questions is yes, then it would probably make your ex-wife's family very uncomfortable if Michelle participated in any of the services.

Since your ex-wife at the end seemed to be accepting of Michelle by showing up at family events where she knew that you were bringing her, your wife might have come around to accepting her in your kids' lives. If that is the case, then you should be able to take Michelle to at least one of the services.

Sure, your ex-wife might have told her family early on that she didn't want Michelle at the service, but it sounds as if she came to accept her. If you believe that your wife accepted her in that her relatives don't think you left your wife for her, then it should be all right for Michelle to attend the public service.

I'm not sure why Michelle feels that she needs to attend the services. If she wasn't a friend of your wife's, then why would she want to go? I don't want to cause any problems here, but I question why your partner would want to attend knowing that she is not welcome. Most normal people don't go to events where they know they won't be welcomed. The services are all about your ex-wife and those family and friends who are mourning her. If your partner isn't sincerely mourning the death of your ex-wife, it seems to me that she isn't going for the right reasons. She is making the ex-wife's funeral all about Michelle. I would seriously question that. If your partner is that insecure about your loyalties to her that she needs you to prove your love and devotion in this manner, I would help her work through this. Most people believe that it is hypocritical to attend the funeral of someone you don't like. So, if Michelle didn't like your ex-wife, then she shouldn't go. And Michelle certainly shouldn't use your ex-wife's death for her own folly.

As I said at first, if you think making a compromise would help your relationship with Michelle, then make the compromise and take her to one service, but only take her to the service that is open to the public. If she feels slighted by this, tell her that your ex-wife's funeral is not about her or your relationship with her, it is all about the mother of your children and her family. In my opinion, Michelle doesn't have much class if she is using your ex-wife's death to promote her own agenda.

Relationships: Paying for a Friend of a Friend's Upset
Q Driving a clearly hung-over friend of a friend into the city early one Monday morning from Southampton, he threw up in my new BMW and proceeded to sleep the whole way into the city. He never apologized, nor did he offer to pay to have the interior washed and cleaned. Should I send him the bill? Or do I send the original friend the bill?

A There is no reason to humiliate the poor slob any further by sending the bill to the original friend. If you have to get the drunk's full name and address from the original friend, then I am afraid you're going to have to tell him. However, if you can find the information without tattling, then send the drunk the bill.

Relationships: Paying for a Vacation
Q I have been in a relationship for four years. My boyfriend and I are finally going on our first vacation. Does he pay for the vacation or is it split 50/50?

A Usually, couples pay what they can and work together to plan a successful vacation. For instance, if you have airline miles, you might use them to pay for your ticket, for your ticket and his ticket, or to cover extra airline miles to upgrade tickets that he bought for both of you. If he covers the airfare, you might pay for the hotel accommodations. If you pitch in and pay what you can, then you will have the right to have a greater say when it comes to planning the trip. If you cannot afford to pay for the airline tickets or hotel accommodations, why not surprise him by paying for a massage or a tennis lesson for him at the resort? Ask your boyfriend what you should contribute to the vacation. Tell him if you have accumulated airline miles how many miles you have. If you have a discount card for a car rental or for a particular hotel chain, offer that. If you both feel that your paying for the meals might take away from the romance, for instance, then give him a check before the trip to cover your expenses. Work together as a team to plan your itinerary much the way married couples would work as a team to plan their dream vacation. Put your cards on the table and tell him what you can add towards the vacation and ask him what he would like you to contribute.

Relationships: People Who Drop By
Q What is your opinion on requesting that someone give you a call before dropping by your home? What is your opinion of people who think it's okay to drop by your home unannounced?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Kim

A Good manners and etiquette are based on consideration, compassion, and compromise. Dropping by without calling ahead first is not considerate. In conversation, you might want to set some boundaries with this person and say something such as this, "It is good to catch up with you but because of my busy schedule you should probably call before you drop by next time." Then if they do not respect this request and they just drop by you can say, "I am sorry but I am very busy right now; if you had called first I would have made time for you." Be consistent and you will be able to set boundaries.

Relationships: People Who Use People
Q My fiance and I recently attended a large dinner and found ourselves at the same table with his ex-wife who was there without her husband. When we got up to leave early, she questioned why we were leaving so early. We told her that we had also been invited to a birthday party of a mutual friend of all of ours. The ex-wife actually asked us if she could come along saying she was an old friend, too. My fiance said nothing. As she was leaving her seat to join us in our exodus, I boldly told her that she could not come because she had not been invited and that the party was in a restaurant not in someone's home. Not only am I annoyed with the audacity of the ex-wife, but I didn't like having to be the "bad guy." Shouldn't my fiance have been the one to tell his ex-wife she couldn't go?


A The point is this: the ex-wife had not been invited. You should not feel uncomfortable about telling her she couldn't go. Everyone knows that parties in restaurants are paid by the person and if the host had wanted to pay for her, he would have invited her. Your fiance should have handled her, but you need to give him a break here because if he could handle her, they probably would still be together. You did the right thing but you need to discuss this with your fiance and decide how such a situation with the ex-wife should be handled if it happens again.

Relationships: Personal Space
Q As a twenty-something woman personal trainer in a high-end health club, I train female and male members. In order to boost business, we were told to offer selected regular customers a half-hour free session. One member apparently mistook my intentions. At the end of his session, he put his hands on my shoulders from behind and started massaging me. What do I say to members who misinterpret my offer and invade my personal space?

A In the course of random conversation with your clients mention that you have either a partner, a fiance, or that the health club rules on personal space don't allow for physical contact. If you say it matter-of-factly, he is more likely to believe that you are not available and/or you fear losing your job. If that's not your style, you can give him a big smile as you wag your index finger at him and say, "Hands off, big guy." The fact that you are being humorous and honest will ease the tension and he will get the message loud and clear.

Relationships: Phone Etiquette: Returning Phone Calls
Q I have been calling one of my sisters about an upcoming get together she is hosting. Unfortunately this sister is not only bad at returning phone calls but she will actually screen the calls right in front of her two daughters, who both pretty much do like her mother does and don't return phone calls. Anyway last night my brother-in-law answers the phone and begins going thru a roller of lies about why my sister could not come to the phone...she's in the bathroom, no she's doing dishes and her hands are wet. I figure okay tell her to call me when she's finished...nothing. I call 2 hours later thinking the dishes must be done by now, I get the answering machine and leave a message saying it is only proper manners to return a phone call. An hour later I get a call but not from my sister but her husband who tells me that yes Laura was there and she was lying to me about returning my call and lying about all the excuses but he says that is her "right" to lie to her brother and screen calls if she wants to. Is that proper phone etiquette?

A It does sound as if your sister has control issues. Clearly your sister has a right to screen calls coming into her house; does she have to return calls? If she wants to sustain a good relationship with you, she should return your calls. There is a widely used measure for people who are trying to connect whether via e-mail, texting, or phone calls that is, three strikes and you're out. After three tries, you have to stop calling because you will be perceived as a stalker, if you continue.

What you have to understand is that with so much open, easy communication the rules have become less stiff. It used to be that one had to return a telephone call within twenty-four hours, nowadays younger people feel that they have up to a week to respond to a message.

What you also have to remember is that a phone call is a social bid to have a conversation and that if that social bid is not returned, you need to rethink your approach. In my opinion, you wouldn't make any more attempts to contact your sister. The exception would be if you decided to regret her upcoming get together.

Yes, it is rude for your sister to put you off. However, there might be issues going on in her life that she is having trouble dealing with which in turn are making it difficult for her to cope with her other relationships. So, cut her some slack and back off. In her own time, she will get back to you.

Relationships: Picking Up the Check with the Parents
Q When i meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time at lunch, how do I handle myself when the bill arrives? Should i just take out my wallet? Should I offer to pay for my grilfriend and/or myself?

A The person who did the inviting pays the bill, unless otherwise prearranged. For instance, if you and your girlfriend make a plan to have lunch with another couple, you would use the word Dutch Treat, so that the other couple knows that you are organizing the lunch and not hosting the lunch. In my opinion, it is always good etiquette to take out your wallet; however, if the father asks for the check by saying, "Please bring me the check," then that is a signal that he is offering to pay for the check because he is asking for it to be brought to him, as opposed to saying, "Please bring us the check." If he uses "us," then you know that you and he are splitting the check. If nobody has asked for the check and the check is slapped down on the table, do offer to pay it because the father will be so stunned by your generosity that he will probably take the check away from you, or, at the very least, offer to split the check. If he is a gentleman, he will spring for the check. If you are a gentleman, you will spring for the check. If he picks up the check first, by all means offer to split it. Nobody likes stingy people and if you are stingy about sharing the cost of the lunch, you are probably stingy with his daughter.

Relationships: Pleasing Dad
Q My father bought my husband and me a ticket to a clam steam. Neither of us eats clams. We went, trying to make dad happy. It was very hot, my husband had broken his leg the day before we went and I had an ear infection. When we arrived at the clam steam, my father sat with his back to both of us and did not speak. We stayed about 3 hours and then decided to leave. I told my dad that I didn't want to sound ungrateful and I appreciated him taking us, but neither of us were feeling well and were going to leave. He responded that he was surprised we stayed as long as we did. Now he will not speak to me. I have called him on three occasions and no response. Was I wrong?

A Invite your dad to dinner. Tell him you are making his favorite foods. Take the high road. Older men tend to get grumpy, so you shouldn't take this personally. My daughter and her husband are "allergic" to shellfish, and since the rest of the family love any kind of shellfish, it is difficult to please everyone at family get-togethers. The solution here is to not to let him fester for too long because the wider that breach between you widens, the harder it will be to make amends and bridge the gap. Backtrack: if you have to apologize, then do so. When he comes for dinner be sure that one of you, your husband or you, tells a short anecdote illustrating why you don't like clams. Perhaps you both threw up in the car after eating clams at a roadside clam shack and you haven't been able to stomach clams since. That will help him to remember not to buy you tickets to the next clam steam. You always win when you go up the ladder. In fact, he'll probably have more respect for you if you make the effort. As parents, we want our children to savor the same foods, music, and art that we do, but we shouldn't be disappointed when they don't--even though we are. After you've told your clam story, remind your dad of the common interests that you do share. Remember that the nicest way to repay a dinner invitation is to invite the person for dinner, so this is a natural solution.

Relationships: Prenups
Q Who should have a prenup?

A Apparently, only approximately 5 percent of all couples getting married actually sign prenuptial agreements. You might consider one:

If you have significant assets.
If you have you own all or part of your business.
If you have inherited money in trusts.
If you have children from a prior marriage.
If you might be inheriting funds or property.
If your spouse is moving into your established home.

If you decide to use a prenup, you might want to be sure your agreement covers certain concerns in the case of divorce or death: how to divide the property each of you brought to the marriage, how to divide property you acquire after the marriage, how your assets will be divided, how your debts will be handled, and whether each spouse has any financial responsibility for the other's children from previous marriages.

Hugely important, in order to stand up in court, a prenup needs to be fair to all involved. That means each of you might want to have her/his own lawyer in the loop as the agreement is being drawn up when all assets and debts are discussed. Whatever you do, don't wait until the day before the wedding to broach the subject with your partner because judges do not look kindly on spouses who pressured their partner into signing in good faith.

Relationships: Prenuptials
Q I love my fiancee very much and we have been a couple for the past five years. Anyone who can put up with me and my health problems with the good will and good spirit that she has shown towards me deserves everything I can give her. However, because Janice will be my third wife, my lawyer and my three grown children are adamant about having Janice sign a prenuptial. I would like to ask my children why they didn't pay attention to me while I was undergoing cancer treatments, but they are my children. Janice is my soul-mate and even though this would be her first marriage, we are roughly the same age. She spent the last four months flying to CA from NYC on weekends to support me and take care of me while I was undergoing treatments and still maintained her full-time job. My children don't realize that giving your time to another person is the most powerful gift you can give. Even though I am a lawyer, I can't figure out how to convince my children that a prenuptial would be rude in light of all that Janice has gone through with me and done to help me survive. What should I do?

A It sounds as if Janice is deeply devoted to you, too. You need to make her feel secure in your feelings towards her but you also need to sign a prenuptial. You can tell her that the prenuptial is a necessary formality and that you are tired of fighting with your children over it and would she mind terribly just signing the bloody prenuptial. Then promise her that you will tear it up, let's say, on your fifth anniversary. Then on your first anniversary, if you still feel that Janice is your soul-mate, your best friend, and the love of your life, set a romantic scene by showing her the signed prenuptial, tearing it up in front of her or tossing it into a glowing fireplace. Since you are a lawyer, I need not tell you that you have to destroy the original, not a photocopy. Also, you will need to notify your lawyer.

Relationships: Pushy Parents
Q Our daughter has been living with a very nice man for over two years. We thought they would announce their engagement when they came for Christmas, but they didn't. We pussyfooted around the subject and even dropped hints. We actually asked her point blank when he went out on an errand when they would be getting married. She said they wanted to wait until they could afford it. Here is our dilemma: They are both over thirty and we think it's time for them to wed. How do we get them to get married?

A Their dilemma is similar to many unmarried couples who are living together. In fact, in the United States over the last thirty years the number of people living together has risen conspicuously, as the percentage of married couples has reduced significantly. Studies say that the poorer people interviewed want to wait until their economic status improves before getting married. They want to own their own home, pay off student loans, and be out of debt before getting married and having children. Your daughter and her partner are part of a trend of professionals who want to have it all---their way. So: let them. You could try bribing them by offering to pay for their wedding, but my guess is that if they are agenda-driven, they'll be sticking to their plan.

Relationships: Raising Money for the Fire Department
Q I'm sending a letter to the local community to ask for donations to support the local volunteer fire dept. Is there any etiquette I should follow?

A Make your covering letter brief and to the point, no longer than three paragraphs. Begin by thanking the community for their generosity in the past. If there is a member of the community who has been approached to give a matching grant, for instance a business, this should be announced as incentive for people to give or give again. People like to visualize what will be bought with their donation: a new fire truck or new helmets or anything specific. If you have any news, give it. For instance if some of the firemen volunteered to spend time in New Orleans, that would be news. You want to engage the community's interest in the fire department and in sustaining the fire department. You might give a list of facts: number of lives they have saved, pets they have saved, number of fires they have put out. People love trivial facts. End by thanking again. You can never thank too much.

Relationships: Recalling Names
Q I get embarrassed when I don't remember someone's name. What should I do when I am caught in such a situation?

A Try to change your focus to something totally random such as the color of their tie. Focusing on someething else will free your mind from the pressure to remember their name and before you know it you should have total recall.

Relationships: Receptionist Duties
Q I am a receptionist and work in what used to be a mansion/home that was turned into anoffice building. There are about 35 employees that work there. Several employees will enter the home/office each morning and not speak or say good morning, hello, etc., until I say hello first. My question is who should extend a greeting when entering the building? As the receptionist, should I continue speaking first as I always have (they would walk right past me if I didn't), or should they speak first when they enter?? Am I correct in thinking that if you were entering someone's home, you say hello when you enter? I believe I am well liked by all of the employees.
Thank you for your response.


A Whether at home or in the office, the person arriving always greets the people or person already there. However, since you are the receptionist, it is your first duty to greet and meet all those who come through that door.

Relationships: Recognizing Physicians at a Hosptial
Q Didi,
I would like to know the appropriate manner for our hospital to recognize physicians for their years of service on our medical staff. We usually recognize 5, 10,15 years, etc. Also, is it appropriate to present them with a token of appreciation?

Thank you

A In my opinion, one of the most dignified ways to recognize physicians for their service is to list their names in the main lobby of the hospital. It not only serves to praise the physicians for their service, but it boosts the confidence of patients and visitors when they read the name of their physician.

There are many creative ways to do this, here are two: a simple honor roll on the wall is nice because many people love to read lists of names. Another way is to create a display window in the lobby that shows photos of physicians with their names and specialties.

The best token of appreciation, would be a recommendation. By recognizing the physicians, you are recommending them. On the honor roll or in the window display, include the specialty, as well as the number of years.

Relationships: Regifting
Q My niece gave my mother a curio two years ago that she had originally picked up at a garage sale and no longer wanted. Now, my mother no longer wants it and is going to give it to me; does she need to check w/ my niece first to see if she can give it away, or since it was given to her, is it hers to do with what she chooses??? Confused??? Michele

A What if your niece came to your house and saw the curio she gave to your mother? You give the niece a telephone call to say that your mother does not need the curio any longer, would she mind if you took it to your house. That way you are covered, if she ever finds out that you have it.

Relationships: Re-Gifting an Engagement Ring
Q Several years ago I was engaged to a woman who called off the engagement and returned my ring. Is it proper to have the stones reset into a necklace as a gift to the current woman in my life?

A It is possible that whenever the current woman wears the necklace, you might be reminded of the woman who you bought the stones for originally. If you are not that sentimental, then it doesn't matter. However, just the fact that you're having trouble deciding about this. Often in situations such as this, you would trade the stones for different ones---thus letting go of the past.

Relationships: Relatives: Paying the Minister
Q Do you pay the minister if he is a relative?

A Time is money, even during religious ceremonies. If the relative offers to perform the service as a wedding gift, then you do not need to pay him for his time. On the other hand, if he gives you a wedding present, then you would send him a check for his time.

Relationships: Religious Zealots
Q At every family gathering, and there are thirty of us spanning three generations, my older brother will get into a discussion with me about how this sister-in-law or brother-in-law is a bad person. It doesn't make sense to me that this holier-than-thou brother is always putting a family member down. I am not very religious so I don't want to cite the bible. How can I help him understand that he is a hypocrite and that it is not only rude to put them down at family parties but that it is also disloyal?

A Your brother clearly does not feel good about himself and so he put others down because he thinks it boosts him up. You must assume that if he is putting down family members to you, he must be putting you down behind your back. Next time don't get into a discussion with him about other family members if you feel it will upset you. Walk away. If you feel you need to tell him off, tell him he is a hypocrite for gossiping about his family and that you don't trust him or respect him when he puts family members down. Be specific, talk about his inappropriate behavior but don't put him down as a bad person; don't make it a character assassination or he won't listen to you. Establishing boundaries of what you will discuss with him and what you will not will help you get along with your brother.

Relationships: Removing Wedding Rings
Q When is the proper time to remove wedding rings after your spouse has died?

A It would depend whether you had children together, how old the children are, and how well they are handling their loss. After about three months, it is considered proper to go out socially so, if you want to signal to people that you are ready to move on, then do not wear your wedding band. It really depends upon the individual because everyone copes with loss in their own way, in their own time. After six months, you might try going out without your wedding band on to see how you feel. After a year, you probably should stop wearing it, if you are at all interested in becoming involved in another committed relationship.

Relationships: Responding to a Brith Announcement
Q What is proper etiquette when rceiving a birth announcement?

A If you know the parent or one of the parents well, you might send a present to the baby. However, if you don't know them awfully well, sending a congratulations cards with a couple of personalized sentences is a sufficient enough gesture in order to sustain the relationship.

Relationships: Responding to a Friend's Death Notice
Q My close friend has passed away. The family did not put notice in the local paper, but I did find a notice in the paper in the town and state where she is from. There is a service being held on Monday and, although I live too far away to attend, I would like to send something. The notice says "in lieu of flowers, contributions "In Memory of ----" would be appreciated". I'm confused as to what this means and I have little experience in dealing with funerals. Given the wording, would I be placing a donation to a charity in her name? No charity was listed, or would this be to help pay for the funeral expenses? To whom do I send the contribution? The only address listed is for the funeral home. Please help me sort out how to handle this properly. Thank you!

A Telephone the funeral parlor and tell them you would like to send a contribution in your friend's name and ask for the name and address of the charity or non-profit. Whatever you might have spent on sending flowers to the funeral, send a check in that amount to the charity or non-profit with a note stating to whom the donation is in memory of, as well as your name and address. You should receive a tax receipt from the charity or non-profit and your name will be added to the list of other donors when they send the list to the family. The family then might send you an acknowledgment for your donation in memory of the family member. Be sure to make the check out to the charity or non-profit and not the funeral parlor or family. You are right to be confused by the announcement because the charity or non-profit has not been named; perhaps at the time the announcement went to press, the funeral parlor did not have the precise information. So: get the details from the funeral parlor because they placed the announcement in the newspaper and act as the liaison between the public and the family.

Relationships: Responding to a Miscarriage
Q How do you write a condolence note to someone who has lost a baby in utero? I know that it must be extremely painful for them and I want them to know that they are in my thoughts and prayers. Is there a standard format? I didn't know the baby (obviously) so I don't really know what to say.

Thanks!

Jen

A I have researched the subject of how to acknowledge a miscarriage and from everyone I've spoken to (prospective parents and grandparents, and friends) I've learned that the best response is no response.

Please don't send a condolence note to someone who has lost an unborn baby. It simply is not done. From what I gather, the last thing the prospective parents want to do is to open up condolence notes for a baby they lost before it was born. A lot of people feel that it is a blessing that a child with defects is not born and the parents are spared the agony of falling in love with and losing a baby that doesn't make it to childhood.

The advice I have been given from a Catholic mother of eleven grown children is not to write a condolence note to someone who has had a miscarriage. In your own way you can reach out to the parents by inviting them for brunch or dinner and including them in any holiday parties, but bringing up their loss is not appropriate. If the parent brings it up, then let her talk, but do not rattle on about it because what you say could be annoying instead of comforting. You don't want to open up a wound that is in the process of healing.

You write, "I don't really know what to say." You feel that way because there is nothing to say. Maybe the couple doesn't want to know that you're praying for their dead unborn baby.

This is one of those etiquette situations that has no "standard format" for a reason. They will get over their pain, but at this point in time they don't need to be reminded of it. In their own way and in their own time, they will move on. Help them do that by not reminding them of their loss.

You might not agree with my answer, but look at it this way. Have you ever seen a greeting card to comfort a miscarriage? I don't think so. And you know how prolific those greeting card companies are, there is an appropriate card for every occasion.

Relationships: Responding to Suicide
Q I have a neighbor whose husband just committed suicide. I don't know her all that well, but would like to show her my sympathy and support. What would be the proper thing to do?

A Perhaps you might attend the funeral and send a condolence card with a few personalized sentences. After a couple of weeks have passed, you might telephone her and invite her over for lunch or tea because she might be feeling very lonely and appreciate your company.

Relationships: Restaurant Dining: Tipping with Friends
Q I have emailed you before and you were very helpful. My question is this. I am 43 years old and have a friend who is 46 years old. He lives at home taking care of his mom. He's never been married or ever dated. He's got cerebral palsy but leads a pretty normal, active life. He sometimes goes out to dinner with my wife and me. He never leaves a tip for the waitress. I don't know if he's unaware, i.e never been taught by his parents, but I don't want to embarrass him in front of others or insult his intelligence. How can I tell him that he's supposed to leave a tip at a restaurant? Once he invited about four of the guys out to dinner since he had won a gift certificate from a radio station. As we were leaving after the meal, we noticed he used the gift certificate and kept the change from it not leaving anything behind. We later went back to the table to leave a tip that he didn't. Thanks Scott

A Some would say that your friend's sense of entitlement is justified. Personally I think that using even the huge disability of cerebral palsy is not an excuse to stiff the waiter. Especially these days with the economy in turmoil, tips are often the only income that some waiters make. If it is a choice between being laid off or working for tips, many waiters will work just for tips. Even if they do get a salary, most likely it is the minimum wage. And that is precisely what you need to tell your friend in a friendly manner. Next time you and your wife go out to dinner with him engage him in a discussion about the economy, which will seem perfectly natural because that's all that anyone is talking about these days. You might even give your wife the heads-up and she can participate in the conversation. This might sound unkind, but some people with disabilities feel that they have the right to ignore certain courtesies such as tipping. Not to be mean, but if your friend is indigent, then he probably shouldn't be going out to restaurants. Just because a person has a disability, that doesn't give him the right to ignore good manners and etiquette. In this country, unless stated otherwise, the gratuity is not included in the cost of the meal; therefore you should not enable your friend in his rude behavior. You could even end the conversation by saying something such as, "When you forget to leave a tip, the rest of us feel as though we have to compensate for your forgetfulness, because we don't want the waiter to be stiffed."

Relationships: Returning Boyfriend's Gifts
Q I just ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. I wonder if I should return b-day gifts and Valentine gifts?

A No, you do not need to return birthday gifts and Valentines gifts to your ex-boyfriend. If you do, it might open up communications and become a kind of an emotional ping-pong game. Also, if you return the gifts, he might feel that his gifts were not good enough, and that might make him ever the more bitter. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Relationships: Returning Gifts
Q I have a friend who offered to return a gift I had given; I was offended, she was surprised. Is it proper to return a gift to the giver?

A It depends upon the situation and how well the giver and sender know each other. If my best friend gave me back something I had given to her because she knew I liked it and she had no use for it, that would be fine with me because I would be getting back something I wanted - a form of recycling. It is important to give people what they want and not what you think they need. As you say, this person is a "friend" so perhaps her intention is not to insult you, but to give you back something she feels you would appreciate more than she does. Don't make the gift a metaphor for the friendship. Your friend might actually feel she is doing the right thing, so accept the gift back graciously. To sustain a friendshp always go up the ladder.

Relationships: Returning Gifts After Break-Up
Q Is it proper to return unwanted gifts after a break-up? My ex- boyfriend was cheating on me, and I returned his gifts via his mailbox. I did so because I never wore them, and I felt they were not sincere. Thank you.

A Not to worry, you absolutely did the right thing. Breaking up is hard to do and giving back gifts is a good way of starting to let go.

Relationships: Returning Nephew's Gift
Q I received a Christmas gift (a CD) from my nephew and upon opening it realized that I had 4 other CD's (the best of) from the same artist. I thanked him for the gift, but in addition mentioned that, because I had so many others with all the songs on the CD, I would enjoy taking it back to the store and exchanging it for a CD that I was wanting. Is this OK... or should I just have thanked him and not mentioned that I would be exchanging it? I was also very concerned that he would take it and OPEN it by ripping off the cellophane thereby preventing me from returning it. So did I do something very wrong and if so, what SHOULD I have done? thanks doug

A You are truly a good uncle. As an uncle you are a role model for how to behave. Presents are tricky. The important part of the gift from your nephew is that he took the time, trouble, and expense to buy you a present he thought you would appreciate. Don't take that feeling of being kind away from him. Tell him how much you love the CD, which is true. Even if he disrupted the packaging, having a second one is not such a bad thing considering the poor quality of CDs these days. Put it away and when the one you are playing now go bad, you know you have a spare. Yes, you could return it if it is still fresh, but it's not about the CD. It is about the fact that your nephew was trying to connect with you. Cherish that.

Relationships: Returning the Engagement + Wedding Ring
Q My wife of 10 years and I are getting a divorce. She is a very independent woman (a MD resident in her 3rd year) who has offered to return both her engagement ring and wedding ring to me. Is this proper and should I accept these?

A Traditionally, the woman returns the engagement ring only if she calls off the engagement before the wedding. Once the wedding couple is married, whatever rings and jewelry the man has given her are hers to keep and to do with as she may. Unless the ring, or rings, are family heirlooms, you would not take them back. If they are heirlooms, they might be passed on to another family member and you would tell her that. A gentleman would not take back the rings because you would be what children call "an Indian giver." Her rings are hers to keep, or to sell, or to have made into another design. Obviously if she has moved on, she is not going to wear the rings; therefore she can either return them to you or sell them. If she feels that you need the money, she might insist that you take them back and sell them. You might let her off the hook by suggesting that you, or she, sell the rings and donate the proceeds to a charity in both of your names. That seems like a very proper and modern resolution. The thing that you want to remember about the rings is not to make them a metaphor for the marriage. In other words, resolve the issue amicably.

Relationships: Reuniting Sisters at Death Bed
Q My brother-in-law's mother has been given 2-4 weeks to live. She had some type of argument with her sister after their mother died and haven't spoken since (about 4 years). My brother-in-law refuses to call his Aunt Dottie and let her know about her sister (his mother). This seems wrong to me. My sister said she is staying out of it, should I stay out of it, too? Or, should I anonymously let his Aunt Dottie know that her sister is dying so she can make amends?

A Might you not ask your brother-in-law's mother if she would like to see her sister? You will be able to tell by her facial expression, if it is a good idea. If you would not feel comfortable in that role, might there not be someone else who could ask your mother in-law? I admire your sensitivity to the situation.

Relationships: Rewarding Teachers
Q I have two things:

1. I read your excerpt in Water Cooler Diaries, and really enjoyed it, thanks for the little insight into your life, I can't imagine answering questions everyday like that...amazing!

2. I'm an elementary school teacher and I have about 9 extremely fabulous parent volunteers who have been helping me out throughout the year. I would like to appreciate them as school is coming to a close, but I have a limited budget...what kind of gift that is special would be appropriate for them?



A Thank you for your kind words. Firstly, you wouldn't want to do anything that would make the parents who do not have the time to volunteer feel uncomfortable; you wouldn't want to do anything too public. Secondly, these parents who do find the time to volunteer do so because they enjoy using their skills in a useful way. It sounds like a chore, but if you hand wrote all nine parents a heartfelt thank-you note, basically the same note but personalizing each note with a detail of what the parent seemed to enjoy doing most, that would surely be enough thanks. Remember that volunteerism is just as beneficial to the volunteer. As you well know, the greatest gift of all is the gift of time. These parents have volunteered their time; the time that you take to write each note will be greatly appreciated and reward enough. If that sounds too time consuming, you could print up an "award" for each parent with their name in the center. The award might read something like this: With great pride the Thompson Middle School sixth grade class recognizes Alice Adams for her dedication to education, leadership skills, and spirit of volunteerism.

Relationships: Role Model for Good Behavior
Q I need to learn not to spring my wrath on others and be decent.

A Try to focus on these three words: consideration, compassion and compromise. When your button is pushed, think of how you can handle the situation better by using at least two of those words because doing so will help you go up the ladder. Everytime we go up the ladder, we get control of our feelings. I don't know how old you are or your position in life, but if you are either a parent or supervisor, think of yourself as a role model to your children and staff. Everything you do and how you react is how you are teaching them to react. So: if you fly off the handle with your kids, or with your wife in front of your kids, you are teaching your children to handle their wrath by behaving badly. For instance, if you are overly critical of your children and snap at them when they don't do something the way you like it, then they will behave exactly that way with their peers in school, and later in life with their family. Don't take other people's behavior personally; go up the ladder and be a stellar role model for good behavior by being considerate, compassionate, and willing to compromise.

Relationships: Salacious Grandparents
Q I have in-laws from hell. My wife is an only child and my in-laws come for dinner once a week to see their grandchildren. The probelm is this: my in-laws inevitably want to talk about some seedy, sexy story in the news or tell their latest dirty joke at the dinner table. We try to hush them up but they don't get the hint. Our children are five, eleven, and thirteen, so it is not as though we can have a discussion about the morality of the story because the titillation aspect has become the focus. How do we politely hush up the grandparents in a respectful way?

A As soon as possible, boundaries for dinner table discussions need to be established and respected. Unfortunately, as we get older, it becomes increasingly harder to censor ourselves so it will be a difficult task to establish boundaries. You and your wife need to make it perfectly clear to her parents exactly what topics you don't want discussed in your house. Even if they are in the form of a joke or are in the news. Try to narrow it down to three topics. Let's say, for example, sex, nudity and drinking. Tell them psychologists have found that giving children information of a sexual nature is more than they need to know at their age. Remind them that your kids will be confronted with the seedier sides of life soon enough and that you don't want them hearing grown-up stories about sex.

It will be hard for the grandparents to censure themselves so you will need to agree on a phrase that will signal them to change the subject. Some families use the expression "Little pitchers have big ears," which is a rather charming old-fashioned way of saying "Change the subject because the children are listening and this conversation is too grown-up for them." You will need to be emphatic about your boundaries because, if you find yourself being seduced into listening to one of their provocative stories or jokes, they won't take the limits you are imposing seriously. As far as your children are concerned, when they do hear something salacious, you will need to take them aside and explain that the joke or the titallating comment was inappropriate for granny and granddaddy to say and that if they have any questions, you want them to ask you, their parent, to explain it to them.

Relationships: Saying "I Love You"
Q Traditionally when do you say "I love you", and who should be the first to say it: man or woman?

A Traditionally, the man says, "I love you" first, because "A man chases a woman until she gets him," as the saying goes. However, these days more and more, the woman says "I love you first." There is no etiquette police who enforces rules carved in stone; the first person who is confident enough in the relationship might say it first. Once the first person says "I love you," that gives the other person the confidence to say it back. "When" do you say, "I love you" depends. If you are passive-aggressive, you might say it for the first time over the telephone or in a tex message because that is less threatening than saying it in person. You might say it in the heat of passion after great sex. You might declare it in a love letter. However, it means the most when the person looks deep into your eyes and says, "I love you," followed by an equally deep kiss.

Relationships: Seat Mate: Turn Off Your Cell Phone or Text
Q In the summer, I often find myself on the jitney out to the Hamptons seated next to someone who spends the entire trip chatting on her cellphone. There is no escape, because there is rarely an empty seat. How can I let the person I am forced to share a seat with know that she is speaking too loudly and annoying me with her endless chatter?

A Take out a high-brow book such as War and Peace or Swan's Way and stare at a page for a couple of minutes. Then turn to your seat mate and say, "Would you mind texting because I can't read with you talking so loudly." No doubt, she'll look around for another seat and if she doesn't find one, she'll learn to text real fast. When she is once again distracted by her cellphone, you can take out your favorite periodical or nap.

Relationships: Seating Wife + Stepdaughter
Q When a stepfather takes out his new wife and 15 year old stepddaughter should he pull out the chair for both of them or just the wife?

A The stepfather pulls out the chair for the new wife first and by the time he gets to the stepdaughter's chair, she probably might already have seated herself. The stepdaughter would not wait to be seated. In a good restaurant the staff member who shows you to your table might seat your wife, freeing the man up to seat the stepdaughter. It really depends upon the situation in the restaurant. If it is in their own home, the stepfather might not pull out the stepdaughter's chair because he knows she knows where to sit but he would seat his wife.

Relationships: Sending Sympathy Card to Family
Q Do you sent sympathy cards to family?

A Your relative might greatly appreciate a card of sympathy or a handwritten note.

Relationships: Senioritis
Q My grandmother was rude to my girlfriend at Christmas dinner. It upset both of us. What should I do?

A Instead of obsessing about the situation, don't take it personally and cut your grandmother some slack. Older people have a harder time censoring themselves. Explain the problem to your girlfriend and ask her to be super nice to your grandmother because some grandmothers like to be charmed. If your girlfriend goes up the ladder with granny, granny will eventually take her into the fold of the family. If she's snotty to granny, granny will be snotty right back. Remember that you never lose when you go up the ladder in a relationship. Often we need to put far more in to a relationship in order to get the nod of approval.

Relationships: Should Ex-Beau Go to Wake + Funeral
Q When an ex-girlfriend passes away and the boyfriend has since married someone else, should he attend the wake and funeral.... (they were together 5 years....out of the 4 of them he was seeing someone else of which she knew ...)(it was a free ride for her; she never worked even when he was losing his house)?

A It is up to the ex-boyfriend as to whether or not he feels like attending the wake and funeral. Perhaps it might give him closure to a relationship that must have meant something to him at one point in time. If the gentleman in question has any respect for the deceased, her family and close friends, he might want to show his support in their time of deep sadness. When the family looks around the church, it is comforting for them to see that their dearly beloved was respected and appreciated. If the man is a "bad boy" and fears that her family and friends might not feel warmly towards him, then he might stay away. Remember, it always makes us feel good when we go up the ladder and do the right thing and are compassionate and considerate---especially when a friend dies.

Relationships: Should I Go to an Old Friend's Funeral?
Q I am 26 yrs old...I have a High School friend that has just passed away. We were friends in High School but I have not been in contact with her in 7 yrs. Should I attend the funeral? I don't want to offend anyone.

A Why would you offend anyone? If you feel so moved, you will feel better if you go to the funeral than feeling bad because you didn't go. Funerals are just as much for the people the deceased left behind, as they are for the dearly departed. Go to the funeral. Reconnect with your old mutual friends and you will feel better about a sad situation. I am sorry for your loss.

Relationships: Shuffling Spouse
Q Hello,
I am under the impression that it is a manner of common consideration for others that we should avoid making a habit of shuffling our feet when walking. My wife claims never to have heard of such a concern while I consider it on par with the practice of eating with the mouth open. Please advise.
JM

A Sometimes my husband shuffles, I correct him immediately and he stops. Sometimes it's age and he's tired, sometimes it's low self-esteem. His body language when he shuffles tells me that he's off his game that day. It is annoying to hear someone shuffle, it is annoying to see someone who is physically capable of walking normally shuffle. Most of the time when the person is alerted to the fact that they are shuffling, they self-correct. Chewing with your mouth open, slurping your soup, scraping your silverware on the plate while eating are all annoying, but they go more to not knowing any better. Shuffling, slouching, cracking knuckles, scratching, tapping your fingers, excessive yawning are more about body language and the state of one's emotions.

Relationships: Smart Aleck Nephew
Q If my nephew (age 16) is a smart aleck and acts this way in front of his mother and she does not say a word, is it ok for me to speak out?

A First off, you never, ever want to humiliate your nephew. Since I don't know how close you are to your nephew or how well informed you are about the appropriate behavior of sixteen-year-old boys, I cannot give you a proper response. I do not know if the boy was showing off in front of you, competing for his mother's attention, or if he is just immature. Sixteen-year-old boys can be real smart alecks. Unless you are very close to your nephew, criticism and sarcasm might not be the way to connect with him. If you feel that he is in need of attention, perhaps you could make a plan with him to go to a science museum, concert, or come up with some kind of outing that would give you two quality time. During the course of that quality time, you might find out if anything is bothering him. Aunts and uncles can play vital roles in the lives of teenagers, especially when they are good role models. Humiliating and criticizing your nephew is not going to bring you two any closer, nor will it make him less smart aleckie. If you really care about your nephew, you might want to spend quality time with him and really make an effort to get to know him. If you take the time to get to know him better, perhaps you'll find that he will relax and become less smart aleckie around you and you might come to appreciate that he really is quite companionable. It is worth a try. Sixteen-year-olds can be quite enjoyable and a lot of fun to spend time with, if you just give them a chance.

Relationships: Social Bidding
Q One of my husband's friends from several years ago (whom I have never met) called out of the blue and asked us to dinner at his and his wife's residence. It is two days before our get-together, and he left a voice mail on my husband's cell phone asking if I could bring and prepare the main dish at their house. Is this appropriate? How should we handle it? I will be coming almost directly from work so I won't have much cook prep time either. My husband and I both thought it was rather rude and think maybe it would be better just to invite them to our house on a weekend when I would have time to cook.

A Your husband's friend and his wife are obviously trying to connect socially with you and your husband, or perhaps there is a business agenda. It is called a social bid. It is your call to accept the bid and in this situation, it is your call to accept the bid with a caveat. Unless, one of them is in a wheel chair, you might consider counter bidding with one of these two options: You can telephone and suggest that you meet at a restaurant "Dutch Treat," or you reschedule. In both scenarios cite the fact that you don't have time to cook because you are both working.

Relationships: Social Booby Traps
Q Can you please tell me a tactful way to ask a hostess who else she is inviting for dinner before I accept or regret her invitation? I know that it is bad manners and makes me sound arrogant, but because I am single and in my early thirties, my friends are always trying to set me up with single women. They inevitably set me up with a woman who is either not my type or, worse, she is my type but I am not her type. I cannot stand these social booby traps. To spare myself from another insufferable dinner partner, how can I find out who the other guests will be?

A If you need to be psychologically prepped for a dinner party, then be upfront with the host or hostess by saying, "Who are you introducing me to?" That way, she will assume that you want to get the name straight and there is nothing wrong with that. You can even repeat her name, so that he or she will think that you are trying to be precise. If you broach the subject in a slightly humorous manner, your friend won't be offended that you asked and she'll be excited to recite the entire guest list.

Relationships: Social Savvy
Q Is there medication for social anxiety? I think I have it really bad. Every time I talk to someone, I get nervous and start sweating and messing up on my words. It's every single time, no matter whom I'm talking to.

A The best way to become socially savvy is to spend more time being social. Get out there and join a charity as a volunteer or find a book club through your local library. Reach out for more social activity because practice makes perfect. The more effort you are extending towards others, the easier it will be for you to socialize. Try to get out of yourself by spending time working with others or the concerns of others and you will become less selfconscious.

Relationships: Socializing Family Members
Q When we go over to my daughter-in-law's home for a special celebration (or at events other then her home) her mother, father, only sister and her husband and son are there which is great. We are a family until her sister and husband go around taking pictures or videos of the family. They only take their side of the family. We can all be sitting at the same table and they will only ignore taking pictures of my side. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for my side of the family. They then take the photos and convert them into a complete video which they show everyone included at the next get-together. Is this or is this not poor manners and if it is what can I do about it?

Rose Michael

A In my opinion, it is poor manners for them not to include your side of the family occasionally in the videos. The big problem with dicey family situations such as this is that criticism, as you know, destroys relationships. So: as you've no doubt figured out, criticizing the sister and her husband for not including you and your family would only make matters worse. The only way to handle this is to go up the ladder in all aspects. Next family gathering, before you leave the house, why not make sure that everyone looks their best and takes a lot of care in their appearance and grooming; then suggest that the seating be switched around for a change so that you all can get to know one another better. This way your family won't be huddled together at one end or side of the table or room. Since you would then be placed amongst the family members who are always being videoed, your side of the family will be part of the next video. You cannot assume that you are being ignored or slighted. When you say, ".... they will only ignore taking pictures of my side", ask yourself: If this is a family group that gathers on occasions, why is your family on one side of the table and the rest of the family on the other? Mix it up. If it is awkward to break up the seating after so many years, then plan a dinner at your house and have one of the children make place cards for each member of the family. Then carefully place the place cards around the table integrating both sides of the family members. Even if you cannot criticize, you can be inventive and change the seating in your own home when you are the hostess. If you feel that you would have to explain, you might say, "Just for fun, we thought we would use these great place cards that were we recently received (or that Emma made)." In a funny way, it is partially your family's fault, too, for always sitting together. Since families sit together often at two meals a day, when you go out help family members learn to socialize by seating them next to people that they don't sit with every day. You might say something such as this, "I wanted Bill to sit next to Sally, because he said that he wants to hear all about her new job." Or, "Ed wants to talk to Diana about her plans for college." Once your family has infiltrated one side of the family with one person, it is easy to bring over another. You might say, "Charlotte is thinking about going to law school, so we wanted her to talk to Kim." Ahead of time think of ways to connect your family members to the other side in terms of activities, sports, hobbies, charities, and other interests; use these as an excuse to mix things up. It also helps children to learn to socialize when they are forced to sit next to a relative to whom they don't usually talk. Family occasions are the perfect venue for teaching socialization in a safe venue, so: take advantage of these windows of opportunity. You sound as if you are an excellent role model for your family, and helping both sides of the family to connect will teach your children the importance of connecting with not only family, but with friends and associates in the outside world. The more practice they have in a family setting, the more comfortable they will feel in the company of outsiders.

Relationships: Socially Savvy Girlfriends: Not So Savvy
Q I have been dating this girl Marie for almost 8 months and last week 2 of my female friends asked us to dinner at the Olive Garden. Marie didn't commit until Friday morning and after she committed, my friend Jamie called me up and I asked him to come along so it made 5 people instead of 4.

Marie came over to my house at 6 and I forgot to greet her when she entered the door which wasn't right. She then told me that she made call ahead seating at 6:30 and I told her it was 6:15 and we better get going. The Olive Garden is 6-8 minutes from my house. During the drive my buddy Jamie called me up and she could hear him in the background and she asked me if he was going and I said yes I forgot to tell you because I didn't realize you were going to make call ahead seating. She then flew off the handle and started to call the Olive Garden to change the seating and I asked Jamie to change it since he was already there. He said no problem. When Marie called the lady informed her that it had been taken care of by Jamie. She hung and during that time Jamie was telling me about some golf tickets he was receiving and we could use this summer.

Marie told me harshly that I need to get off the phone.

I got off the phone and asked what the problem was. She told me that I wasn't using proper phone etiquitte. She told me that once he told me that he was at the restaurant and he would of changed the reservation the conversation should of ended because what he wanted to say could have waited 6 minutes from then at the restaurant.

I told her that was a load of crap because 99 percent of the time I keep the phone on vibrate and don't pick up the phone but I knew he was going to be there and you never know if something is wrong or he was cancelling. She stated that is true but your conversation should have ended when he said he was there.

She stated that your attention should have been on me and not him. I told her that it usually is and she admitted that is true but I told her that me talking to my friend for a few minutes should be allowed considering I am respectful most of the time.

I understand her point to a degree but sometimes I think exceptions need to be made.

Please be honest in your advice.

Kevin Ruggeberg

A The key to the problem is that two of your female friends and one of your male friends were to be dining with you and for whatever reason, Marie was feeling a certain amount of social pressure. Would she stack up to your last girlfriend (s)? Who knows why she was overacting. But think about it, the odds were stacked against her: the four of them were all connected to you, and she was the interloper. It sounds as if she was feeling slightly socially insecure, which is not a crime. It is actually rather endearing. She wanted the dinner to go right for you: she wanted the table to be ready. She was taking on the social responsibility of being your girlfriend. You cannot fault her for that. Since she was feeling slightly nervous, she came down on you for hanging on the phone with your buddy while he was waiting for the two of you to get there. It made her nervous that you would be losing your focus on her and that she might not have an ally. Again, you cannot fault her. Was she in the right? No. She should have not been so uptight, after all it was only the Olive Garden! People overact when they are feeling insecure. Perhaps, if you had been in her shoes, you would have been feeling slightly insecure about hanging out with her friends all night. One of the most wonderful things about good manners is this: you can always backtrack. Even two days from now, two weeks from now, as long as you do it. Just say, "I apologize for staying on the phone with Josh the other night." Leave it at that. You do not have to explain, as long as you acknowledge the issue briefly. Next time you feel this social insecurity coming from her, take her hand. So: put yourself in Marie's shoes and cut her some slack, because another time it might be you feeling slightly not so socially savvy around her friends. You are totally right, but you know that already.

Relationships: Son's Graduation: Handling the Ex-Husband
Q My 15 year-old son wants to invite his absent father to his graduation. He wants me to give this bum a ride, because his vehicle has been repo. He has never shown concern for the child, but lately I have allowed him to get to know him.

I am so angry about this situation.. My boyfriend will be driving and I feel that I should do this for my son, but the thought of having this man in my car is stressing me out.



A I understand your not wanting to have your ex-husband in your car, but he is the father of your son and you want to be a good role model. This is one of those situations where divorced parents have to bite bullet for the sake of their child.

When your son is up on that stage looking out at a sea of faces, let him see his parents standing side-by-side clapping for him-- that's what this is all about. There is no reason to punish your child because he will pick up on any angry vibes. Hold your head high and be the bigger person. During the car rides to and from the graduation, keep the conversation focused on your son's accomplish-ments. Praise him citing specific examples.

If you find yourself about to say something negative, bite your tongue. Your son's graduation is all about your son, it is not about how you feel about your ex. I know that you're not going to like this answer, but when you make that decision to have kids, life is no longer just about you and your feelings. No doubt, you know all of this by now and just need to be reassured that you can do this.

The trick is to set your boundaries and don't invite your ex back afterward to your house for lunch or coffee. If there is talk of that, suggest a public place such as a diner or pizzeria and seat yourself across from your boyfriend so that you don't have to make eye contact with your ex, and be sure to split the check. Again, keep the topic of conversation on your son.

You might want to think about having your boyfriend drive, that will give your ex the message that your boyfriend is taking care of you now and you are not available, and that this is a one-time social event. Also, then you won't have to see his face in the rear view mirror.

Please don't be angry. You've moved on. Show your son that people grow up and move on without being bitter and angry. I know that it's hard not to show your anger, but you need to be dignified for the sake of your son.

Relationships: Spouse: Manners: Dealing with Spouse's Poor Etiquette
Q IF YOU MARRY BELOW YOUR SOCIAL STATUS, HOW DO YOU EDUCATE THEM IN ETIQUETTE, IS IT JUST HOPELESS, DIVORCE THEM AND MOVE ON TO GREENER PASTURES?

A In my opinion, you lead by example. People who don't have good manners recognize that you have good manners, because you behave differently than they do. On the one hand, you cannot teach old dogs new tricks, but you can appreciate it when the spouse does something well-mannered. For instance, if you are out at a good restaurant and you come back from the ladies room and he stands, then you tell him how special that made you feel. Also, tell him that when you are all dressed up and are going out that you like it when he opens the car door for you. When he does remember to do that, then not only thank him but tell him that you appreciate the fact that he remembered. People love to be thanked, so if you thank him every time he does something well-mannered, then you reinforce the fact that you appreciate him. Table manners are harder because you learn those at the table with your parents when you are very young and they stick with you. When he licks his fingers, puts his elbows on the table, and slurps his coffee, you can tell him lots of times, but unfortunately it goes in one ear and out the other. You can, however, subtly point out how well-mannered certain people you both come in contact with are and point those out and if he wants to please you, he might pick up on it. If nothing else works, then tell him how you feel. Just say it annoys you because you know that he knows better and you just cannot get over the fact that he doesn't care about pleasing you. You can try the "People like us do it this way" or "People like us just don't do that," but it might have the reverse affect. Perhaps, if there are lots of issues, you should pick the ones that annoy you the most and work on those. Remember that etiquette is all about compromise, consideration, and kindness.

Relationships: Squelching Rumors
Q A couple of my friends have mentioned to me that there is a rumor going around about me having an affair with one of my neighbors. He is very wealthy and successful, you might say he is somewhat of a local celebrity. Not only is he one of my best friend's husband, but he is enormously well liked and well respected in the community. How do I put an end to this ridiculous rumor before my husband and kids hear about it?

A Pay it no credence. You're obviously well respected in your community, too. If you protest too much, you'll bring even more attention to yourself. Too bad your supposed "lover" is not gay, then at least you could say, "I didn't know that he swung both ways, because I thought he was gay."

There are two ways to squelch a rumor: ignore it or come up with proof that it cannot be validated. The next time someone mentions the rumor to you, say, "I told my husband that rumor and he wondered when I could possibly find the time for a private rendezvous ."

Relationships: Stepchildren and Stepparents
Q What if his children do not like you?

A Remember that you are not alone. Many, many stepparents are not liked by their spouses' children. Do not take this personally. Their feelings, unless you have been cruel to them, have absolutely nothing to do with you. It all has to do with the disappointment that they feel about their parents' marriage. Go up the ladder and be a good role model of behavior to the children. Good etiquette and manners are all about consideration, compassion, and kindness. Learn to make compromises with them in order to earn their respect. Be generous, gracious and patient, as it might take a long time for them to appreciate you for who you are.

Relationships: Stepdad + Stepdaughter Bonding
Q When finished at the dinner table at home, if a stepfather decides to clear the table, should he only help by taking his dishes and the new wife's or should he also take the 15-year-old stepdaughter's?

A The fifteen-year-old daughter is old enough to take her plate out into the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. If clearing the table is an issue, perhaps boundaries might be set sooner rather than later. If the mother prepares, cooks, and serves the food, perhaps the stepfather and daughter might work together to clear the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher. Finding simple everyday routines to have the stepdad and stepdaughter work together doing might help with their bonding. The mother might go and read the newspaper while they clean up, giving the two a chance to talk about the events of the day and the plans for the following day.

Relationships: Stepdad Etiquette
Q Whenever a stepdad takes out his new wife and 15-year old stepdaughter, should he open the car and restaurant door for both of them or just the wife's?

A Presumably the stepdad would open his wife's door first and by the time he had done that the stepdaughter might already be seated in the back of the car. The stepdaughter would not wait to get into the car until the stepfather opened the car door for her. Entering the restaurant, he might hold the door open while they pass over the threshold. He would not just hold the door open for the wife and close it on the stepdaughter.

Relationships: Stepdad' s Etiquette + Stepdaughter
Q When a stepdad is traveling with new wife and stepdaughter should he help only his wife carry her luggage or also his 15 year old stepdaughter's?

A By the age of fifteen the stepdaughter should be self-sufficient and able to handle her own bag, if a bell boy is not in sight. The husband might have his hands full with his wife's bags and his own. The stepdaughter might need to help the stepdad carry the bags.

Relationships: Stepdad's Responsibility for Paying Travel Expenses
Q When a stepdad is traveling with new wife and her 15-year-old daughter, should he only pay his wife's and his flight, meals and hotel, or, the stepdaughter's also?

A It would depend upon the situation. If the mother is receiving child support for the fifteen-year-old and she has insisted on taking the child along on the trip, then the mother might offer to pay for the child's expenses. However, if the stepdad invited the child along on the trip knowing full well that the mother did not have money to pay the child's expenses, he cannot expect her to pay the expense for the child. A compromise might be for the mother and stepdad to divvy up the expense of having the daughter travel with them. Perhaps, next time the child might stay with a grandmother, aunt, godmother, guardian, or caregiver, while her mother and stepfather travel to prevent the issue of the child's expense from ruining the trip. Should he only pay his wife's flight, meals and hotel, or, the stepdaughter's also would depend upon whether or not he invited the child on the trip. If he invited the child to join them on the trip, then he pays for her, also.

Relationships: Stepdad's Responsibility for Stepdaughter
Q When a stepdad is furnishing and paying for a new home with new wife and stepdaughter, should he pay for 15-year-old stepdaughter's room to be completed and furnished or is it the wife's responsibility, if he makes much more money than she does?

A If the mother cannot afford to furnish her daughter's new room and the stepdad can afford to furnish it and volunteers to furnish her room, fine. If not, perhaps, the mother and stepdad might work out a budget for furnishing the girl's room, which does not necessarily have to be perfect right away. The mother and daughter might paint the room themselves and slowly add to the room as a work of art in progress. It might be a fun bonding experience for the family by helping the girl create her own space within the frame of the newly configured family.

Relationships: Stepdaughter + Stepmother
Q My stepdaughter believes she does everything right and has the right to police others' behavior in public. She is only 17 and has no problem calling someone on a problem, yet when someone does not agree, she gets all 'baskety'. What would be a polite way to tell her she is being impolite in public situations, and what is an appropiate way to tell her in private that I haven't needed a nanny since I was 5.

A Dealing with stepchildren is never easy because since you are neither their mother nor their nanny, you don't really have any authority over them. Setting boundaries with all relations is important. However, you never reprimand or criticize your stepdaughter's behavior in public, or in front of anyone else for that matter, because it is not the way to win her respect. Though you are not her blood parent, you are a role model for her behavior. At some point, find a time when you are alone and encourage your stepdaughter to question her own behavior by saying something such as this to her, "I am curious why you set higher standards of behavior for other people than you do for yourself?" It might be interesting for you both to hear her answer. Perhaps if you started questioning her intellectually, you might find an interesting dialogue and develop a greater understanding of each other.

Relationships: Stepmom Disapproves of Stepdaughter's Manners
Q My stepdaughter and I have an ongoing debate regarding manners involved with eating chicken strips. It drives me nuts when she picks up a chicken strip with her fingers and either takes a bite out of it or tears it apart in her hands prior to eating the smaller piece. I feel that the proper way to eat them is to cut off a bite-sized piece with a knife and eat it with a fork. I am not talking about little nuggets (I think they are fine to eat with fingers as they are considered finger foods) or even strips that are the size of a typical frozen fish stick (which I also think require a fork!), but larger strips of chicken. Please tell me what is considered proper. Many thanks.

A If how your stepdaughter eats her chicken strips bothers you so much, just let the whole thing go and don't serve them when she is around. You both seem to have made the chicken strips a battle ground, so don't go there. Talking to her after all this fighting won't get you anywhere, anyway. At any rate, they aren't healthy for either of you, neither is the fighting.

Relationships: Stepparenting
Q When a stepdad is furnishing and paying for a new home with new wife and stepdaughter, should he pay for 15-year-old stepdaughter's room to be completed and furnished or is it the wife's responsibility if he makes much more money than she does?

A If the mother is receiving child support and/or is working, she might furnish the child's room with her own money. However, if the stepdad has offered to furnish the child's room, he needs to follow through with his promise. If the stepdad has not offered to pay for furnishing the child's room and the mother does not have the funds to do so, perhaps the mother and stepdad might come up with a plan and a budget to complete the furnishing of the child's room over a period of time. The family might start by together painting the room a color the child the chooses. If the whole family is engaged in the process of creating a special room for the child, everyone might cooperate and work towards the completion. Do not let the issue of the child's room become a metaphor for the new marriage.

Relationships: Sustaining Relations, or Not
Q Dear Didi,

I need your opinion. This person I was friends with for about 10 years dropped me for about 8 months and then on my birthday sent me a card with a lovely letter. Of course, I called her immediately and we resumed our friendship. This person always had DRAMA in her life. Well a couple of years ago, she decided to get her Bachelors degree and has been taking classes online. Right after my father, died my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and it has been a struggle and a burden taking care of her b/c of work and the proximity of where my Mom lives. Anyway, this person (which I always considered a best friend) has dropped out of sight again. My birthday was a month after she dropped out of sight and no card or call. It's been two and a half years since I had heard from her. Well, yesterday I received a graduation Invitation from her inviting me to her party. She didn't include any personal note. I really don't know what to do. When I look back, everytime I needed a (friend) she was never there for me, but I was always there for her, holding her hand for one reason or another. I also feel that she has done this twice already and I am not ready to go for round 3. I also know her very well and realize she is looking for a gift and also to rub it in that she has graduated and gotten her degree. Something I always wanted to do, but never got the chance because of family illnesses. I would like at least to send her a card to acknowledge her graduation, but I don't want to attend the party. What can I write? Can you give me any suggestions on what to write, or do I send her a little something? Thanks so much for your advice.

Sincerely,
Rosemary

A From what you've told me, your friend sounds like a drama queen. Everything is all about her. She's looking to pad out her crowd because she has a problem keeping friends. She's having a party and wants to make sure that people show up. If they don't, it looks bad for her. You have no obligation whatsoever to send a graduation present. People hate push-present parties so you are not the only one of her friends in this predicament. If you want to sustain the relationship, show your support by attending the party, but you do not have to send a gift. However, if you attend the party you do need to send her a heartfelt thank-you note offering your congratulations. Actually, you have the upper hand and are getting off easy: you can go to the party, but you don't have to spring for a gift, just send a thank-you note.

Relationships: Switching Beauticians
Q Several months ago I started at a new beauty shop as a weekly customer. The owner assigned me to her newest beautician (who is having personal financial problems). When she could not keep my appointment another beautician styled my hair and I like her work much better. The shop consists of the working owner and her two employees. Is there any appropriate way I can make a change to the stylist whose work I like without causing a conflict? Thank you for your help.

A Believe it or not, I had that same problem myself. They kept booking me with the one I didn't want when I tried to book with the one I wanted. I ended up leaving that salon and finding another. In retrospect, I wish I had discussed my preference with the owner and that I hadn't been so concerned about hurting anyone's feelings.

Relationships: Switching Restaurants
Q A couple has suggested a restaurant for my wife and I to eat dinner at, but we do not eat that type of heavy food anymore; how do we diplomatically tell them that without hurting their feelings?

A It might be better if you went along with the other couple's suggestion and just ordered simply from the menu. For instance, you could each order two appetizers instead of an appetizer and an entree, and not order dessert. Nowadays, most restaurants are more than willing to accommodate orders for, say, a plate of grilled vegetables.

During the course of the dinner, you could tactfully bring up the names of a couple of other restaurants that the four of you could try next time. When the day comes to make the reservation for dinner again, say that you thought they were going to try such-and-such restaurant. If they say no, then say that you two don't eat that type of heavy food anymore and would like simpler food.

Since I don't know how close you are to this other couple, or if this is business, I've given you the most conservative answer. If the other couple are good friends, you should be able to come right out and say, "We do not eat that type of heavy food anymore, would you mind if we went to such-and-such restaurant instead?"

Relationships: Sympathy Card Acknowledgments
Q Is it necessary to acknowledge all sympathy cards after a loved one's death or do you just respond to people who sent flowers or donations to selected charities?

A Actually, it is not necessary to acknowledge all sympathy cards; however, most people feel that the time and energy exerted helps to give them a sense of closure, as well as a chance to stay connected to the person who sent the card. The cards would not have to be written immediately because they are a social bid that can be picked up when you are ready, or not at all. However, you might want to send acknowledgments to the people who sent flowers and donations to selected charities first so that they know they were received.

Relationships: Taking Charity from Friends of Friends
Q I received a bag of second-hand clothing for my daughter from someone that I don't know personally (she is a friend of a friend). I sent a thank-you note. Approximately 3 months later, I received another bag of clothes for which I didn't write a note. Now I am told by my friend that her friend was offended by the lack of a thank-you and won't send any more clothing. I'm simply wondering if my actions or lack thereof were truly offensive.

A If you had really wanted that second bag of clothing, you probably would have written a second thank-you note. Let's face it, we've all had to take some form of help from friends and friends of friends and it can be either a good experience, or a slightly humiliating one.

True giving is not expecting anything in return--not even a thank-you note.

You can do one of two things: you can ignore the incident and the woman won't send you anymore secondhand clothing for your daughter, or you can bite the bullet and write her a thank-you note in the hope that she continues to send them.

Your actions or lack thereof were not truly offensive. In my opinion, the only offensive person was the person who prides herself on being so charitable and then complains she wasn't thanked properly.

Relationships: Talking to Adult Children About Finances
Q Dear Didi:
I am a single senior citizen, comfortably off but with limited disposable income, living in the Midwest. My three children and their spouses, all professionals with graduate degrees and gainfully employed in early stages of their careers, live on the east or the west coast. The nearest is about a thousand miles away. I enjoy visiting them, and having them visit me. When they visit me with their families, I pay for or contribute towards their travel expenses. I do not expect them to pick up the tab for any meals out nor, of course, do I expect them to buy groceries. When I visit them, I always bring appropriate gifts for my children, their spouses and for my grandchildren, and take them all out to a major meal like a Sunday brunch or an evening dinner. On the other hand, when I visit them they expect me to pay for meals out, or to split the tab with their in-laws who live in their towns. They also expect me to buy supplies for meals they prepare at home. Are they being less than gracious hosts in their expectations? Please advise how I might let them know without jeopardizing our relationships? I hope to have pleasant visits with my children and grandchildren for years to come.
Concerned Parent

A The problem, as I see it, is that there are already established patterns in place. When your children were starting out professionally with very young families, they probably welcomed your assistance. Now that they are well-established, it is time to reset old patterns. The next time you go to visit have a face to face conversation with your adult child and set some boundaries.

Start by telling your son or daughter that you want to talk to him or her about finances. Say that most families have a once a year conversation about finances where everyone is given a chance to disclose information. Make time to sit down and talk about your finances with each child individually, and include the spouse. First give them the good news that they won't have to support you, but then say that you've found that you have to budget your visits, that you cannot buy supplies for meals the way you used, but that you will contribute. Add that you won't be able to take the family out for more than one meal per visit.

What you would be doing here is asking your family to make compromises. That you want them to understand that you cannot contribute as much as you used to contribute in the past and this is what realistically you can contribute now. Say that instead of buying supplies for meals, you will give them a check at the start of your visit to cover the cost of your meals. Perhaps, say, thirty dollars a day would cover the cost. Or, depending upon the length of stay, give the child a check for a hundred dollars that they "can put towards supplies." That way you have paid your share and you won't be expected to replenish the larder. If there are other meals out, estimate the cost of what you ordered and when the check comes, give your child the cash saying, "This should more that cover my dinner."

When your children see that you are counting your money and being careful with your finances, they will get the message that you are cutting back on what you contribute to your visits. Look at it this way, how can they not have more respect for you?

We all have trouble talking about finances with our children, but it is far better to put the pattern in place of having a yearly face to face conversation with your children, than resenting the money that you have to spend in order to have special time with your children and grandchildren. If anything, once you've had the conversation and the air is cleared, you'll find that your family feels closer and stronger. Also, at these yearly meetings you can leave the door open for your child to disclose information about his or her finances. At least give them the option. Of course, this opens the door for them to ask you about your assets. Full disclosure is a good thing to have in families because then there will be no false expectations.

Also, your children will talk between themselves. The word will get out that "mom is cutting back on her expenses," which will make the conversations with the other two children and their spouses easier for you.

Relationships: Talking to Teens About Manners
Q How can I better help my teens when talking to them about good manners? What do they need to know?

A Please return to my Web site at www.newportmanners.com and click on the Dos and Don'ts at the left hand side of the page,then click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to the section on Relationships. Good manners are for all ages.

Relationships: Teaching Children Etiquette
Q How do you begin to teach a young child (9-year-old girl) etiquette?

A At a very young age, children learn etiquette and good manners from their parents and caregivers: adults are role models for their behavior. Etiquette and manners are based on consideration, compassion and compromise, so: you might start with teaching the nine-year-old what these words mean and why they are so important. Whether you are teaching her table manners or how to get along with the other girls in school, those three words will help her get through her meal without soiling her clothing and they will help her make and keep friends at school.

Setting boundaries for behavior is also important. There are words that should not be used because they are disgusting and disrespectful. You might say, "We don't talk like that. We don't use those words. People like us don't talk that way." The simple act of having family meals where everyone sits down and talks about their day, passes food, and helps to clear the table and do the dishes incorporates consideration, compassion and compromise.

At the dinner table, nobody puts their elbows on the table because they might knock something over by mistake and then the meal would be disrupted by the fuss over cleaning up the mess. You don't start eating until everyone is seated and served because you don't leave the table before everyone is through eating. The napkin is unfolded and laid on the lap to collect any crumbs or catch any drips from soiling your clothing. We eat without scraping our fork or knife against the plate because it is an irritating noise, just the way we don't slurp soup or beverages. We pass the salt instead of reaching for it because we don't want to disturb our neighbor while he is eating and we don't want to knock over a water glass. We chew with our mouths closed because we don't want food drooling and oozing off our lips. We wipe our mouth because it is annoying to feel food stuck to our chin. Helping mom bring in the groceries is considerate because the groceries are consumed by everyone. Holding the door open for dad, who is bringing in the groceries, too, allows him to get the job done quicker because he doesn't have to stop and put the groceries down to open the door. Tidying up in the bathroom before returning to her room is important because she would not want to use a bathroom that someone else had left in disarray---wet towels on the floor, toothpaste stuck to the side of the sink, an unflushed toilet, a bathtub left filled with cold, dirty water. If you can get the child thinking about the consequences of not being considerate of others, that is a good start. If none of us were considerate of others, all bathrooms would be disaster area, all houses would be so noisy nobody would be able to concentrate.

The best way to teach a young child etiquette is to talk to them about these what ifs and be a good role model. If you always say the word "please" everytime you ask her to do something, then you will find that like a parrot she will mimic your good behavior. Also, if you use the words please and thank you not just with them, but with clerks in a store, librarians at the library, bus drivers, ticket takers in the movie theater, and with the person who cleans your house or mows your lawn, then she will mimic your behavior. If we as adults behave badly, we cannot punish our children for behaving badly. For instance if they hear the adult swear, then the adult cannot criticize or punish the child for swearing. Reward the child when she is considerate, compassionate and makes compromises with praise and tell her how very proud you are that she is your daughter, or how well she behaved, or how well she handled a difficult situation.

Relationships: Teaching Children Etiquette
Q Hi, my son does not want to invite to his birthday party a boy he has known for many years but with whom he doesn't care to continue a relationship. This is complicated by the fact that I am also close friends with the boy's mother, and she would be hurt if her son were not invited to my son's party. We are not sure how to proceed, but my husband and I do agree that our son's wish to invite whom he wants to attend his (11th) birthday party be honored. We have not been successful in finding some workaround.

A If your son attended this child's birthday party, then he needs to learn that he has to return the invitation. Make a compromise, say that since he attended the boy's birthday, he has to invite him but when the boy invites him to his birthday, he will have to remember that he can't go if he isn't planning on returning the invitation. This is such a great opportunity to teach your son good etiquette. Etiquette is all about consideration, compassion and compromise. Then of course, if your son did not attend the kid's last birthday, he doesn't have to invite him. Don't forget that an invitation is a social bid best reciprocated by a return invitation. What do you do when someone you don't like asks you and your husband to a party? You don't go because if you do, you will have to return the invitation.

Relationships: Teaching Grandchildren Manners
Q We celebrate each family member's birthdays