Relationships: Being Ignored
Q I attended an open house art event at the suggestion of a male friend. When I arrived I saw him and approached him to say hi. He was talking with a couple of other people and I didn't want to barge into the conversation, but I did want to greet him. He looked surprised and barely mumbled an introduction to one of the people in the group (not the woman he was talking to). It was awkward at best that he didn't introduce me to other person. I was there for another hour and he didn't speak to me or any of the people he invited besides the woman he didn't introduce me to. I politely made conversation with the one person I was introduced to and the other people in the group. Am I being oversensitive to think that his behavior was rude and inconsiderate not to speak to me or introduce me? When I brought it up with him the next day, his response was that none of the other people felt the way I did about his behavior. And since he didn't invite me to go with him (he had just told me the event was happening) that I had the wrong expectations for how he should treat me. Should I change my perception of the whole evening? Going forward, what is the proper etiquette? We work out at the same gym and haven't resolved this issue between us. I'm training for an event and need to go to the gym, but I know he's going to be there. I guess that's two etiquette questions! Thank you.

A In my opinion, you ignore bad behavior. He knows how you feel about the subject. He knows that you think that he slighted you by not paying attention to you, but continuing the dialogue is not going to improve your relationship. Chances are you are not going to resolve the issue, and bringing it up again will only widen the gap between the two of you. Guys hate to talk about that kind of stuff and usually tune out. The only way to bring up the subject again would be in a humorous fashion. In other words turn the incident into a joke by, say, mocking his behavior: when he walks by you and you are talking with someone that he doesn't know, you could go out of your way to introduce him.

Relationships: 20th Anniversary Gift to Spouse
Q What is an appropriate 20th anniversary gift to your spouse?

A It might depend if the spouse was a man or woman. After twenty years of marriage, you should be able to ask outright, if you don't have a clue. There is nothing worse then when you give a spouse a gift they don't want just because you think they should have it. A trip is always fun because you will have the memories forever, as well as stories to tell over dinner. An anniversary party where you either host yourselves a cocktail party or take a group of friends out to dinner is also very popular. Most women like good jewelry, so why not ask her if she needs a new watch or let her pick out a pair of earrings. Say, "We're going to Tiffany's and you're going to pick out a pair of earrings." Give a husband a series of sessions with a personal trainer and a gym membership; or a really good briefcase from T. Anthony, but don't have it monogrammed until he approves it.

Relationships: Accepting an Apology
Q Do you have to accept an apology?


A It is always good to go up the ladder and accept an apology. I am not sure that you always have to say, "I accept your apology." I am not sure that it is a good idea to ask, "Do you accept my apology?" If the apology is made, perhaps that is enough and the less that is made out of the issue, the better. Often people have to let the apology settle and, perhaps, resonate before they can acknowledge the apology, so: acceptance of an apology should not be forced.

Relationships: Acknowledging Miscarriage with a Card
Q My parents' good friends' son and his wife were expecting a baby. They have had a miscarriage at about seven weeks along. My mom mentioned to her friend that she wanted to acknowledge it by sending a card and her friend didn't say yes or no. Is it a good idea to send the couple some kind of card?

A No, it is simply not done. The less said the better. This is a particularly sensitive time and parents who have just lost an unborn child do not want to be fussed over in any way. A card from your mother would require the parents to acknowledge her card with a thank-you from them; thus their sadness becomes a bit of a ping-pong game that nobody wants to play, least of all the devastated parents.

Relationships: Addressing a Widow
Q When sending a sympathy card to a widow, how is the envelope addressed? Is it different if the widow has children still living at home?

A You would address the sympathy card to the widow with her married name on the envelope. If you are on a first name basis, you would call her by her first name on the card. If there are children living at home, you could include their names or make a reference to them in a sentence or two in the card.

Relationships: Addressing Inside Envelopes
Q In writing out graduation invitations what do I put on the inner envelope? Do I have to write anything? How should the outer envelope be addressed?

A If you wrote Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens on the outside envelope, you would write Mr. and Mrs. Dickens on the inside envelope.

Relationships: Addressing Older People
Q I never know how to address older people. I am thirty and my childhood friends' parents have started asking me to call them by their first name. However, my best friend's dad asked me to call him by his first name but his mother hasn't. How do you address people older than you?

A By all means call your friend's dad by his first name but wait until his mother asks you to do the same. Never call a person who is a generation or more older than you by their first name unless you have been doing so since you were very young or the person insists that you do so. If an older person is a part of your extended family, you call them what you've always called them. When meeting future in-laws call them Mr. and Mrs. until they ask you to do otherwise. In the work place where most everyone is on a first name basis, follow the office code.

Relationships: Allergic to Relatives
Q I am reading the Water Cooler Diaries and learned about this website from your "diary". Thank you in advance for answering this question that I have. My brother lives about 10 minutes away and we've both lived in the area for about 10 years. We both are married and have children similar ages, the oldest ones are 12 years old...a time when they'd love to spend a lot of time together. Here's the problem: his family got 2 cats 2 years ago knowing that our oldest daughter has severe cat allergies and can not go into his home now that they got cats. She also has asthma which means that allergy shots would not be helpful. My brother (as he's done all his life) did what he wanted to do - not being considerate of others- which was getting cats and figures it's my daughters problem that she has allergies. When they got the cats, my family was very upset, insulted, and shocked that we would never go to their house anymore to celebrate Christmas, have a BBQ, celebrate a birthday, etc., which we've always done in the past. Before they got the cats I used to have their children over often even though they didn't recipricate often, occasionally they did have our girls to their home. My question is: am I obligated to invite them over to my house? I have greatly minimized seeing them - they put no effort into seeing us anymore which hurts my feelings - but I have their children here occasionally to keep the children's friendship going (although it's awkward since we are doing all of the giving here) and I force myself each Xmas to have them here for dinner and we exchange gifts (which at this point feels artifical). They have done less and less the last couple years to keep our relationship going. They have never been thoughtful to us - more self-centered - but this last year, they didn't even buy our children birthday gifts. Obviously we are not important to them and if this were not my brother then I would have stopped the relationship years ago. When they drop off their children, they always seem happy to see us and stay to talk. Since they got cats I have closed my heart....just saying a light "hello" not discussing anything very important. Our sister recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and we didn't even call each other. My question is: should I feel obligated to invite his children to my home and continue doing the Xmas celebration with them? I would not have been upset if they had made an effort to get together after getting the cats. We could easily meet at the mall, for ice cream, a walk on the beach but they never ask us to do anything with them. I very much look forward to your reply.
P.S. I do feel that they are jealous of me and my family for various reasons which isn't helping.

Sincerely, Jodi

A I understand because my widowed, 92-year-old aunt doesn't know why I don't visit her more often. She lives only an hour and a half away and thinks it is because I don't like cats. I've never had the nerve to tell her that I am allergic to cats because she doesn't believe in it; she thinks it is just an excuse for me not to visit. At any rate, I now take her out to lunch, but when I find myself at her house for longer than forty minutes I gulp a few table spoons of liquid Dimatap and that gets me through whatever holiday we are celebrating. Cat lovers find it hard to understand that cats can actually make people sick. It makes no sense to argue with them. For years I have been disguising my one and only allergy for the sake of spending time with my favorite aunt. In my opinion, you have to take the high road for the sake of keeping the family together. Relations with first cousins are important and you want to nurture and encourage those ties. You will need to continue to the take the lead and have your brother's family visit your house and arrange to meet at a local beach, park or pizzeria. Your daughter is twelve so for the next eight or so years her allergies will subside because the huge amount of estrogen her body is producing will protect her somewhat from the allergens that make her sick. Monitor how she feels now after she has spent time with her cousins, because the cat dander from those two cats is all over those kids clothing, skin and it is in their hair. If she is not sneezing or/and her eyes are not watering while they are around, her estrogen level might already be protecting her. Having an asthmatic daughter myself, I learned early on that it was far better for her to have play dates, than no play dates at all since all of her friends seemed to have pets. When your daughter gets home from being in a pet household, give her a mild antihistamine, be sure that she takes a shower, and throw her clothing into the washing machine. This is a lifelong problem that our daughters have to learn how to handle. We cannot keep them in a bubble. By the time your daughter is twenty-one and her estrogen level begins to dwindle, she will have learned a lot about how to cope with this chronic disease.

Relationships: Alone With His Parents
Q My date leaves me alone with his parents, what do I do?

A Take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to get an insight into your date and ask them all about him.

Relationships: Announcing a Divorce
Q I will soon be divorced after 29 years of marriage. How do I tell family and friends? Do I make a formal announcement or just respond as questions arise??

A It is never easy to have to answer questions concerning a divorce, especially after 29 years of marriage. If there are children involved, you might want to remember that, as married parents, you were role models for your children's behavior and that now as single parents, you are still role models of behavior. The best way to handle the situation is to have the divorced couple agree that through word of mouth "You both mutually agreed that a divorce was in the best interest of both parties." Of course if the ex-spouse behaved badly and everybody knows it, that course does not work and you will have to come up with a line that will flow off your tongue very matter of factly: After 29 years of marriage, John/Joan and I decided that we wanted to go our own ways. Whatever you say, try not to be bitter. Try putting this new period in your life into perspective, think of and speak about it as a new chapter in your life that you are excited about exploring. You do not need to send out a formal divorce announcement. By word of mouth, the word will get out and you might find that your friends will come forward with their support.

Relationships: Answering the Company Phone
Q Do you have a list of how to answer phone calls in the office?

A The receptionist answers the phone by announcing the name of the company or the name of the person whose line they have called. Then if it is a company line, they ask, "How may I direct your call?" If the call is to Ms. Brown's office, she says, "May I tell Ms. Brown who is calling?"

Relationships: Asking to Bring Boyfriend's Brother to Easter Dinner
Q Is it not proper to ask your sister who is hosting Easter dinner if my boyfriend's brother can join us since he is visiting from out of state and has no one to be with that day? She is also hosting her husband's father and mother.

A Why not telephone your sister and ask what you can contribute to Easter Dinner. Offer to bring a dessert, salad, flowers or a bottle of wine. Get a feel for how she is feeling: is she totally stressed out by the fact that she is entertaining her in-laws or does she sound as if she enjoys the idea of entertaining. Only then will you know if it might be all right to ask her if you can bring along another guest. Tell her the three of you will all pitch in and help do whatever she needs done whether it is serving the meal or doing the dishes. Then offer to bring an additional bottle of wine, if she agrees to include your boyfriend's brother.

Relationships: Au Pair: Setting Boundaries
Q Our current nanny liberally helps herself to all of our favorite luxury foods and we don't know how to politely handle the situation. Expensive nuts, handmade chocolates, cheese sticks and biscuits, olives, and artisan cheeses are her favorites. When friends drop by for drinks, I cannot find the fixing for canapes that I just bought. Without seeming stingy, how can I tell her that we want her to feel at home, but she cannot scoff down all the best treats?


A Two-tier eating systems went out with when Masterpiece Theater aired Upstairs Downstairs. Nannies and babysitters are supposed to be treated as part of the family, so it would be undignified to hide these luxury items from her. However, you can set crystal-clear boundaries by saying, as you are unpacking a shopping bag of delicacies from your favorite emporium, that you want to keep these treats on hand for guests who drop by and for special ocassions. Tell her that you get frustrated when you cannot find something that you know you just bought. Ask her to please check with you before scoffing down your favorite treats to make sure that you don't have plans for them. If she has to ask permission, it is unlikely that she will have the audacity to ask you if she can partake of these goodies. On the other hand, offer them to her after your guests have left and she's helping with the cleaning up.

Relationships: Aunts
Q To my niece's children, am I a "great aunt" or a "grand-aunt"?

A The wonderful thing about being an aunt is that an aunt is an aunt. My mother's brother's wife is my aunt and my children's aunt. In theory she is a great aunt, but we never call her that because she has such a special role in all of our lives. We all call her Aunt Betty.

Relationships: Aunts Not Wanted at Wedding
Q I don't want to invite two of my aunts to my wedding. This is due to a family problem from some years ago between them and my parents. I want my parents to enjoy themselves at my wedding and this will be impossible if these ladies show up! Do I just send other family members an invitation and not them? I just am not sure how to handle this. Please help!

A It is your wedding and you do not have to invite anybody who might make you feel uncomfortable. Many families have situations similar to yours. If you don't want the aunts to attend your wedding, don't invite them. You do not need to explain anything to your aunts. If they ask you, tell them the truth.

Relationships: Babies: Teaching Manners
Q How old should I start thinking about teaching my child about proper etiquette? she is one year old - kind of young, hah.

A Now is the perfect time. When she hands you something, you respond by saying "thank you." You teach her the difference between inside and outside voices. When she cries, you comfort her. When she makes a mess, you teach her to clean up the mess or put the things away. When you are on the phone or talking with another grown-up and she interrupts, by putting your finger to your lips she learns to be quiet when your are engaged in conversation. When you get off the phone, you thank her for being quiet while you were on the phone or talking to Mrs. So-and-So. She learns by seeing you shake your head no, that that object is Daddy's and that is Mommy's and not hers. Yes, by all means teach her manners. Your good manners will rub off on her because you are her role model. She will pick up her social skills from you.

Relationships: Baby Shower Etiquette
Q Please help me to know how to respond to a baby shower given by the expectant boy's mother.This boy and his girlfriend have not been together for long and have no intention of marrying. I am an aunt to this boy, but I feel like I just cannot go through the motions, because it would be like my putting my seal of approval on something that is really going to be a mess. I feel very sorry for this new life being born, please help.

A If this baby is part of your family and your family is supporting this unborn child by hosting a shower, then you need to show your support, too, in order to sustain a good relationship with your family. You do not have to go so far as attending the shower. You can always say that you have a prior commitment that you cannot get out of, but you do have to send a gift for the baby. Or at the very least, a card with a check for at least $25. If you don't acknowledge this child, it will be held against you. I know that you are not going to like this answer, but I am looking out for your future relations with your family. Sometimes in order to sustain family relations, we have to put our own feelings aside and go with the flow. Etiquette is all about compassion, consideration and compromise. By not going to the baby shower, but sending a gift, you would be doing the correct thing in this situation.

Relationships: Baby Shower for Out-of-State Baby
Q My daughter-in-law is expecting and my son is in the military in CA and we live in OHIO. He is also getting knee surgery real soon and she is expecting. To have her take care of him after surgery and expect her to come to OHIO for a shower is not going to be possible so I would like to know if as the mother-in- law it would be okay to have a shower without her. She has said that would be great but I just don't know the etiquette concerning this issue and how it is to be done. Thanks in advance

A In my opinion, you would not have a shower without the honoree. In situations such as this, you could offer to have a birth announcement printed up when the baby is born so that you can send them out for your daughter-in-law to your friends in Ohio, along with a photo of your new grandchild. Let the mother pick out the birth announcement ahead of time; perhaps you could find a couple of choices over the Internet and let her decide which one she would like. Be sure to order enough so that she can send the birth announcement to her friends, too. Upon receiving the birth announcement, your friends in Ohio will respond in their own way. Some will ask you what your son and his wife need for their new baby and others might send a check. So, you will want to get a list of things that the baby needs or the name of the baby gift registry where they are registered. Remember to have your son's return address printed on the back flap of the envelope so that people will know where to sent gifts and cards. Your daughter-in-law can then let you know which of your friends sent what and you can thank your friends, too. You might even send your daughter-in-law social stationery or thank-you notes so that she can thank your friends for responding to the birth announcement. You can order elegant social stationery for her through www.reavesengraving.com.

Relationships: Baptism Gift
Q What type of gift do you give for a baptism?

A It would depend upon your relationship to the baby and how much you can afford. For instance, if you are a godparent, you might give a silver baby cup or picture frame from Tiffany's engraved with the baby's name and birth date, or a savings bond. One of my daughter's godfathers, who is a famous artist, Darby Bannard, gave her one of his beautiful paintings. My father and the other godfather gave their godson the foundation for a wine cellar. If you are an honored guest, you might give a gold baby bracelet or silver teething ring from Tiffany & Company. Our family recently gave a baby children's book to start his personal library.

Relationships: Baptisms Party
Q My son and daughter are 15 months apart and my husband and I decided to have them baptised together. I was wondering about the party etiquette, ie...whom I invite whom I don't invite, should it be small and simple, close family or all family and friends?? PLEASE HELP!


A What a lovely idea. You might host a buffet luncheon and invite all those close family members and friends who attend the baptisms for a light lunch. Remember they might have small children in tow so, you would want to make it quick and simple because small children become over-stimulated after a cup of juice or piece of cake. Be sure to have child-friendly healthy snack food for the kids and perhaps a video going in the family room for those who want to relax. Two hours max would be appropriate. You would invite the godparents and their families, your close family and, say, the children's guardians. You might invite the minister and his wife, but if it is a Sunday, they might not be able to attend.

Relationships: Being a Good Listener
Q I am in my second marriage of 3 years. My husband believes that when I say something to him, not moving a muscle and not even grunting is appropriate and that I should believe that he is listening to me. On the other hand, I believe that he is totally rude and even disrespectful. I would never totally ignore someone, especially him, IF I heard him. I have pondered this question for some time and it is beginning to effect my marriage. Is it possible that I was raised (and taught my children) that courtesy dictates that one react in some sort of way, even just a grunt?

A I understand your dilemma; however, it sounds as if you and your husband had different styles of role models for marriage. A husband learns at some point in time that he needs always to acknowledge and respond to what his wife is saying. Your husband might be listening but he might not have had a role model as a father who taught him how to respond. As you know, it is difficult to teach an old dog new tricks.

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Tell him that you feel he is not listening to you when you are talking to him. Ask him if his father had selective hearing when it came to listening to what his mother was saying. Tell him that you need him to try to change his way of listening. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise. He needs to meet you half way and you need to find out from him how to make him feel comfortable about communicating with you. For example, sometimes when husbands sense anxiety in a woman through her tone of voice or the modulation in her voice, they tune out. It might stem from childhood. His mother might have used a tone of voice or modulated her voice in a way that signaled to the young boy that mummy was unhappy, stressed out, frustrated, and anxious. Being a small child, the boy felt helpless because mummy was unhappy and he was unable to help. So: patterns run deep; to change this pattern, you might try changing your tone of voice in order to engage his interest.

Years ago a dear friend suggested I think about the tone of my voice and it made me realize that I needed to guage the tone of my voice when I wanted to get a point across. So, now when I want to get a serious point across, I lower my voice in a Jackie Kennedy kind of whisper and it works; they listen. It is the opposite of shouting. I am not saying that this is your particular problem, because I don't know you, but there might be a way you could get your husband's attention. Try taping your voice by making up a conversation with your husband and playing it back; try truly to listen to the tone of your voice. If you feel your voice sounds, say, anxious, then think about how you might respond if someone talked to you in that tone. Perhaps when you have something really important to say, you lower your voice, then your husband might get into the habit of listening to another tone of voice.

I understand that this is a difficult problem but in order to sustain a healthy relationship, you both will have to be more considerate, compassionate, and compromising, if you want to communicate better with one another.

Relationships: Being a Houseguest
Q What are the rules of etiquette for invited houseguests when this is your family?

A Etiquette is all about being respectful to others. Whether houseguests are family or not, it would be considerate for houseguests to remember the following: communicate to your host the exact time of your arrival and departure; be a self-sustaining guest who does not need to be entertained 24/7 and go out and do activities on your own; offer to help with the dishes and pitch in with the chores; offer to pay for a meal or two, depending upon how long you are visitng, either by purchasing groceries and cooking a meal or inviting your host out to dinner; before leaving be sure to take the sheets and pillow cases off your bed and fold them and your towels leaving them at the foot of your bed, unless you are instructed otherwise; remember to call your host when you get home to thank them again for a wonderful visit.

Relationships: Being Late
Q What about being late? Is that no longer rude? I did not see it in the list of don'ts.

A Very good catch. How late one can show up depends upon the occasion. For instance, the average cocktail party runs about two hours. Unless you are the guest of honor, you would not stay the entire two hours. If the invitation says six to eight o'clock, you might arrive at 6:30 and leave at 7:45. Hosts usually don't want everyone arriving and leaving at once. If, however, you are invited for dinner at a restaurant, you would need to be on time because the other guests wouldn't be fed until you arrived so you would annoy all the other guests, plus your host. Likewise, if you are attending a private dinner. Many dinner dance invitation will state on the invitation that cocktails are from seven to eight o'clock and dinner is at eight, which is helpful in timing your arrival if you are, say, coming from a cocktail party to the dinner dance. When meeting one friend for dinner, lunch, drinks, or a cup of coffee, it is extremely rude to keep the friend waiting more than five minutes. Being late signals to the friend that you are dysfunctional, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, and not a good friend. You know what they say, friends don't keep friends waiting.

Relationships: Body Language
Q How to gauge body language?

A Volumes have been written on the subject. It is more about getting in synch with the other person's mind than with his or her body language. You can watch someone's body language for signs that they are unhappy, distracted, lying, happy, and interested in you and respond accordingly, but body language can be deceiving, say, if the person is having an off day. For instance, if you can't make, say, eye contact, it does not necessarily mean that the person is not interested in you, perhaps he or she is just not interested at that moment, but it doesn't mean that he or she can't be interested. In the first moment of an encounter with someone we make our initial judgment pro or con because it only takes one 20th of a second to register. It is all about your 1) social awareness, how you feel with others while sensing their nonverbal emotional signals; 2) your ability to tune into listening to someone; 3) and knowing how the social world works. Perhaps you don't want to get too caught up in the body language thing because it can be misleading if the person is, say, tired, or upset about something that has nothing to do with you. Why not focus on being able to sense how another person feels? Having social facility builds on social awareness which allows for a smooth social interaction. In order to synchronize with another person, you have to interact smoothly at a nonverbal level. It is more about being an effective listener. Don't just listen, give your total attention. Make an effort to understand the other person rather than just trying to make your own point. Deep listening means intentionally paying more attention. You'll know when you're really connecting because you will respond to how the other person feels by what he or she says, does and feels.

Relationships: Body Odor Discussion
Q How do I tell my new boss about her body odor?

A As you know, criticism destroys a relationship. So: you will have to be extremely careful how you go about telling your boss that she stinks. There are many reasons for body odor. Often the fault can be that of the dry cleaner, or lack of taking advantage of a good dry cleaner. How you approach the subject would depend upon your gender, age, and the depth of your relationship. If the woman has a good sense of humor, you could good make a string of dry cleaning jokes and body odor jokes over a period of time. For Christmas or her birthday, you could all give her an assortment of scented bath products in a basket or decorative shopping bag, which might include an expensive deodorant such as one from Clarins. The worse scenario would be that your boss has a medical problem that is not being addressed. Look for a website that is specifically designed to send anonymous emails and send her a crystal-clear message such as this one:

Because we respect you and want to see you succeed, we are sending you this message anonymously. You either need to find a better dry cleaner or make an appointment with your doctor to find out the cause of your noxious body odor.

Relationships: Bossy In-Laws
Q How do you handle monster in-laws? No matter what I do it is never right. Coming from people that I have no respect for drives me crazy; my husband even thinks they are crazy. He just asks me to put up with them to appease them. The latest issue with them is the fact that my husband and I do not want to go in on a baby shower for another couple. There are many reasons that my husband and I have for not wanting to go in on the shower. In the past I have gone in on a shower with my sister-in-law and was not happy with the way my sister-in-law has done it. She has never done anything the way she say's she is going to do it. But also as far as the couple goes that they are wanting to through the shower for, my husband and I are not close to. My husband and I got married and have had three children in the course of seven years and have never received a single baby gift or wedding gift from this couple. I always send a gift to a wedding or shower or even a new birth and I had planned to give a nice gift for the baby shower. My husband's family is all upset because we said no to the shower. We have told them 'no' more than one time. Is it rude to decline to do the shower and is it any of their buisness to know why we do not want to go through with the shower?

A It sounds as if you need to set boundaries with your in- laws. You are under no obligation to tell them why you do not want to co-host the baby shower with them. You might say that you both are terribly busy and do not have the time. Just say no in a polite manner. If they ask why you are too busy, list all the things you do in your day for your family. Be consistent, keep to the excuse that you are too busy and they should get the hint and stop asking favors of you. This sounds simple, but often simplifying the issue is the quickest and easiest way to solve a problem.

Relationships: Boundaries
Q I was introduced to a neighbor through a long time friend that is now more foe than friend; my neighbor has moved several blocks away, and is still in contact with my old friend. She keeps calling and stopping by unannounced and I think she means well, but I am thouroughly annoyed. Today I found out she e-mailed my boss; it was friendly but it would have been nice to know she was doing so before hand. How do I tell her to stop calling so much, and only come by when invited, and that my friends and bosses are not her friends without hurting her feelings and possibly making matters worse?

A In all relationships we have to set boundaries of behavior and distance. Next time she drops by, give her the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. Tell her that you are busy and that you are sorry but if you had known that she was dropping by, you would have had time for her. If you let her chat you up, you have let her cross the very boundary that you are trying to set up. Say, "I'm on the run," "I'm on another call," "I am terribly busy." After a while she will learn to respect your boundaries, but only if you are politely consistent about keeping them.

Relationships: Boundaries for Relative Houseguests
Q My wife and I live in Greensborro, NC with our three girls. Most of our family is on the West Coast and they seem to have a habit of telling us when they are coming instead of asking. The problem is that I work from home and the relatives always stay with us and never rent their own car which puts my wife and I in the position to keep these people fed and entertained for the entire visit. Can this be right? Thanks in advance.


A As soon as possible, you and your wife need to communicate with your family and set boundaries for their visits. You need to tell them that because you and your wife both work full-time and are raising three children with very busy lives, they will have to let you know exactly when they are arriving and leaving as you will need to find them an inexpensive car for them to rent during their visit. Then you can tell them that you and your wife would be happy to provide them with breakfast and an occasional dinner, but they will have to understand that you are all very busy and they will have to fend for themselves. You can mention that certain dates would work better for you and your wife to have them come and visit and make a few suggestions. Remember: if you stick to your boundaries, they will respect them.

Relationships: Bowing Out Gracefully From a Plan
Q How do you back out of a plan that you had already planned with someone? I just don't feel like doing it anymore. How do I go back on these plans?

A A common dilemma: we all get caught in a situation such as this at one time or another. The first thing you have to remember is that someone else has probably thought the same about a plan with you. So: it is a common complaint. Whatever you do, don't lie. How you bow out gracefully depends how well you know the person. If it is a matter of finances, for instance, say that you just don't want to spend your hard-earned money right now on going to Las Vegas for the weekend. You might say, "I just don't think I can budget the trip in just now." That way you are being pragmatic; in saying "just now," means that they should not take it personally.

When we were very young we used the excuse that our parents wouldn't allow us to follow through with the plan (which is probably true); when we have small children, we say we can't come for dinner because little Georgie is sick and we don't like leaving him with a sitter. However, when we are foot- loose and fancy free, it is harder to make an excuse sound as if it is the truth. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise. So: say that you are sorry, you know you said you would do such-and-such, but something has come up which demands your focus. Then cushion the blow with a compromise: you will see him soon for brunch, or to play tennis, or to take a walk. Personally, I think it is far worse to have to struggle through being with someone you really don't want to be with than to be honest. If you say, "I just can't spare the time right now," or, "I just don't have the money right now," people know that you are backing off for a simple reason and that you are not making up some lie about how your grandmother is sick and you have to go and see her. At that point in time when you made the plan, it sounded intriguing and you wanted to do it. Then when it came time to do it, you just weren't into it. It happens to all of us. In the future, when someone asks you if you want to do something, even if you think you really want to do it, say, "I'll get back to you." I know, it is hard to understand how we can be so intensely in the moment and then suddenly lose interest in the plan, but that's the way we are. It would be worse to go through with the plan and be miserable. I know that I would rather have a friend excuse himself from a plan than feel he was not a hundred percent into the plan. Actually, you are doing the person a favor. The problem is how to bow out gracefully.

Make it short and sweet. "As it turns out, I really cannot do this; however, let's get together early next month and do something." Apologize, thank the person for thinking of you (or including you); however, the less said the better.

Relationships: Boy Gives Girl Promise Ring + Wants It Back
Q If your son gives a promise ring to his girlfriend and later they break up, should the girlfriend keep the ring or return it?

A It depends upon the situation. If your son broke up with the girlfriend, then she is entitled to keep the promise ring. If the girlfriend broke up with your son, then she should give him back the promise ring. If she has broken up with him, she probably will not want to keep it anyway. Unless it was of great value, why would he want it back?

Relationships: Boy Wants Girl to Like Him
Q How do you get a girl to like you?

A To win the respect and affection of a girl you need to show her respect her and listen to what she says.

Relationships: Boyfriend's Female Friend Sleeps Over
Q My boyfriend will have a house guest (female friend) staying with him on a semi-regular basis while she goes through job training in town. She will be staying over once a week on Sundays. I feel odd staying over on those nights; it seems inappropriate to me. My boyfriend is trying to convince me that it isn't an issue, but my gut is telling me that there is some etiquette for such a situation. Help!

A Might you not invite the boyfriend to spend the night at your house the night the female friend stays at his house, if the idea makes you so uncomfortable? Alternatively, if this woman is such a good friend, why not befriend her because she is part of your boyfriend's circle of friends. In order to go to the next level in a relationship, you might want to cultivate friendships with your boyfriend's friends. How better to get to know her than over a late night movie or cup of coffee in the morning.

Relationships: Bridging Gererations
Q I married for the second time in October 2006 to someone I have known for almost 30 years so the families have known each other a long time. I now have two stepchildren ages 16 and 18. We recently had a graduation party for the eldest child and everyone brought a card/gift except my parents (how embarrassing); also they do not acknowledge the boys on their birthdays which I kind of accepted before we were married but now I feel this to be unacceptable and insensitive behavior but don't want to cause a scene. What is the proper etiquette with the stepgrandchildren? Thanks.

A You're dealing with trying to get two generations that are oceans apart to connect and actually communicate so that both can feel the added bonus of having an extended family. That is a difficult task. Perhaps renting a house on a lake somewhere far from civilization so that all three generations are forced to communicate might be the only solution. Otherwise you cannot force the two generations on each other or they will balk. The problem is this: both generations have to want to make the effort. You can try talking to them separately and ask them to give the other a chance, but I cannot assure you that will work because it doesn't always work in related families. In my opinion, you need to voice your feelings and persevere until a connection is made. Tell them how much it means to you. Perhaps you could suggest to the grandparents that they take the young people on an outing, say, to fish or play golf. Also, try to find a common interest whether it be a sport or one of the arts, and try to forge that connection.

Relationships: Brother's Ex-Wife
Q Is it proper to introduce my brother's ex-wife as my sister-in-law?

A No, because your brother's ex-wife is your ex-sister-in law.

Relationships: Business Etiquette
Q I work in an office area where there is an open reception area and smaller offices off the main room.

When I enter the reception area, I speak to the person at the desk but I don't always address others that are in their office working.

When someone enters the main office, is it more appropriate to let others work or to go to their door and speak to them?

A You are correct in addressing the receptionist so that she knows that if anyone asks for you that you are in the office. You would not necessarily have to speak to the other people everyday when you arrive; however, if you have been away on business or on vacation, or have been ill, upon your return to work you would address all those you come in contact with on a regular basis. People you see everyday you can just smile at or say hi.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Overzealous Holiday Decorator
Q A co-worker at work likes to decorate for the Holidays. I find the decorations to be excessive and "over the top". I have mentioned before that I feel it is too much. She has continued to decorate in the same manner. What should I do now?

A The best way to approach this over-the-top decorator is to make a compromise. Encourage her to be as creative as she likes, but politely ask her to limit the time that the decorations are up. Just say, "Listen, knock yourself out, go crazy and decorate as much as you want. Get it out of your system, but do us all a huge favor and set a narrow time frame for when your decorations go up and when they come down. Two weeks is about all most of us can handle, then it starts getting a tad old. Do you know what I mean?" Throw a question back at her to make her think about the fact that maybe not everyone wants to look at her decorations for a month. Try not to make it a personal assault, but more of a "OK, but ...." situation of setting limitations. If she fusses about wanting more time, say that proper etiquette dictates that she makes a compromise and the consensus is that she can have her decorations, but they can only be up for two weeks. Then she'll have to decide what to do. Should she tone down the decorations in the hope that they can stay up longer? Or should she go all out and abide by the two week time frame? Let her negotiate. You might even be able to get her to tone down the decorations to a point where you don't mind them so much.

If she becomes difficult, tell her that good etiquette is about consideration, compassion, and compromise. If you're willing to be compassionate and she's willing to be considerate, then you should be able to come to a reasonable resolution. As you know, working in an office you are all part of a team. That team has to work together even on deciding Holiday decorations.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Stinky Foods
Q I am from Louisiana and it is a common practice to cook large meals and offer portions of those meals to co-workers. I now live in Michigan and feel offended when people just throw it away, pretend to have eaten it or worse yet just leave it in the work refrigerator to rot. Am I being presumtious by offering? Are they being rude for declining in a not so forward manner? I'd rather they just say no.

A There is a huge difference between offering people cooked food that has to be reheated, and baked goods. The big problem with reheating cooked food in the workplace is that reheating cooked foods in, say, a microwave creates an unfamiliar odor in the air, which might be annoyingly cloying to many. Commonly referred to as "stinky food," your uncommon dishes might not resonate well with Northerners. Why not use your creative talents to bake a couple batches of cookies, which are universally popular.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Turning Down Hosting a Party
Q How do I politely reply that I do not want to give a party for support of a business that this person is employed by?

A Be honest and say something such as this: I am terribly sorry, but to tell the truth I do not feel that I can wholeheartedly get behind such-and-such (or, host a party), at this point in time. I am just not the right person to host the party. I am confident that you will find someone to host your party who will be able to focus totally on hosting a successful event. I know you would want me to be truthful. If I cannot give you my best effort, I think you need to find someone who can.

Relationships: Business Etiquette: Launches
Q Do I have to provide food for a small company launching get-together? The gathering is at 7:00 p.m. I would rather provide info about my company and do a toast.

A At 7: PM, if you are toasting, you would want to at least have a platter of cheese and crackers so that people can coat their stomachs after a long hard day at work before drinking.

Relationships: Business Trips with a Philandering Boss
Q I'm a consultant who travels a lot with my boss. He uses prostitutes often and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be around him or it when it's happening and he throws it in my face. Last week he made me lie to his wife for him about where he was while we were on this trip. I did it but now feel guilty for helping him lie. How can I deal with this?

A You do have a dicey dilemma. Next trip, tell him that you are sorry but you are not a good liar and that you will not lie for him about his whereabouts to his wife ever again. Just say, "Don't ask me to lie for you because you know that I won't next time." You need to set up acceptable boundaries of behavior. It sounds on the one hand as if he is showing off to you by flaunting his bad behavior in your face, and, yet, on the other hand he is relying on you to enable him in cheating on his wife. I understand that it will take a lot of courage to stand up for yourself, but you need to set boundaries of behavior for yourself as well as for him. Tell him that you don't want to discuss it, if he brings up his philanderings again. And every time there after, if the subject comes up, just say, "I don't want to talk about it." That way you are telling him that you are disgusted with his philandering, but you are not directly criticizing him. As you well know, any criticism destroys relationships.

Relationships: Business: Allergic to Too Many Scents
Q How do you get co-workers to understand that scents more than bother me. They irritate my allergies and sometimes cause a mild asthmatic incident. At the least they cause nose running, sneezing, coughing and headaches. I am tired of having to use my inhaler and nose spray at work because everyone has scents in their lotions and such that they are constantly putting on during the day.

A You might try to get a handle on your allergies. Some women and men naturally give off, what many consider to be, a foul odor as they age. As testosterone and estrogen levels decrease, often the natural scent of the man or woman becomes stronger, which is why so many men and women feel they have to cover or disguise that scent in public. Also, people who smoke will try to cover-up the scent of tobacco on their clothing and in their hair with fragrance. Unless you talked to the head of the human resources department at your company to get them to send around a memo, short of putting up a notice in the lady's room, you have a problem until you get your allergies under control. Stores such as the Sharper Image sell air purifiers you could plug in beside your desk at work, which might give you some relief.

Relationships: Business: Bathroom Etiquette
Q I can't seem to get certain co-workers to wash their hands after using the restroom. We work in a small office and handle paper, same equiptmet, etc., amongst each other. There's a large sign in the restroom that says: "Stop. Did you wash your hands?"; however, it must blend in well with our door! Please help!

A Unfortunately, the only thing you can do short of humiliating your co-workers is to make light of it. Say, something such as, "What's up with not washing your hands?" Or "Hey man, what's up with not washing hands?" There is one other thing, talk to someone in the human resources department and tell them it is a problem in your department and ask them to deal with the issue. Alternatively, make your own sign and post it near the exit door in the washroom. There is an anonymous Web site that allows people to send messages anonymously which is a last ditch alternative.

Relationships: Business: Business Executive Personal Stationery
Q What type of corporate stationery is appropriate to use to send a personal note from a business executive to a business executive?

A A business executive writes a personal note to another business executive on a sheet of monarch paper, which is slightly smaller, 7 1/4 by 10 1/2 inch sheets, than business stationery. Monarch sheets are used for personal notes and have the name and address printed on them, but not the business logo, with matching envelopes. For a shorter personal message, the business executive might use a correspondence card, 4 1/4 by 6 1/2 inch card, that is thicker than the monarch and also has matching envelopes.

Relationships: Business: Busybody Co-workers
Q How do you handle an office busybody? She will even walk over to your desk and start reading your private emails.

A When she invades your space, tell her that you need your space. If you don't want her friendship, don't make eye contact, avert your eyes when you see her. If she walks over to your desk and starts reading your private emails, turn and say, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" Make her think about her behavior without criticizing her outright. Set silent boundaries and keep them. Don't give her mixed messages by being chitty chatty with her one day and averting your eyes the next. You have to be consistent because if you give her an inch, it sounds like she'll take a yard.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Code
Q I would like to know if you have a little something for cubical etiquette, work in an office, and at one time there was this what to do and not to do? Can you help?

A Cubicle office space is not private office space. Here are the Don'ts and the Dos:

Don't burp, slurp, flatulate, or crack chewing gum.
Don't make annoying noises that might interfere with your neighbors concentration, for instance tapping the metal on your desk.
Don't carry on lengthy conversations with a co-worker.
Don't talk louder than you need to. Most men talk louder on the phone then they do in person.
Don't take off your shoes or socks.
Don't use office hours for personal phone calls.
Don't tend to toe nails, finger nails, nose hair, eyebrows.
Don't pop in and out, over and around cubicle boundaries to chitchat with your neighbor.
Don't let your cellphone ring at work.
Don't bring cooked and/or smelly food to eat at your desk.
Don't spray cologne or perfume while at your desk.
Don't forget to tidy your desk and work area before leaving at the end of the day.
Don't listen to iPods or have music on during office hours.
Don't have clothing or toiletries on view.
Don't leave your drips on the toilet seat.

Do keep personal phone calls to a minimum.
Do throw away coffee cups and wrappers when through eating.
Do all personal hygiene at home or in the restroom.
Do turn down the ringer on your cellphone.
Do eat smelly food in the lunch room.
Do keep visits to other cubicles short and to a minimum.
Do respect the limited privacy of your neighbors.
Do not let your phone ring, if you are sitting at your desk.
Do keep memorabilia and photos to a minimum.
Do tidy up your cubicle before going to lunch and leaving for the day.
Do keep your shoes on.
Do tidy up after yourself in the washroom.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Etiquette
Q A girl I work with is across a high cubicle from me and she keeps belching really loudly, what should I do? It's making me sick.

A Go up the ladder to get her to understand it from your side of the cubicle. The next time she belches go around and into her cubicle and say something such as this, "Are you all right? I am concerned because you belch so much and so loudly. Is there anything you do or take to help you stop belching so much?" Then you might say, "Have you seen a doctor about your problem because it sounds as if it is getting worse." Don't criticize her or humiliate her in front of another co-worker, but if you do point out that the problem is a real concern to you, you will at least get her thinking about the problem, which is a start. If she says she doesn't know what to do about it, tell her that drinking soda and chewing gum often make people belch.

Relationships: Business: Cubicle Etiquette: Chitty-Chatty Neighbor
Q My co-worker, whom I share a cube wall with, talks to me constantly. She asks questions, makes silly comments about needing to get her shoes resoled or her pants tailored, or how hungry she happens to be. She must think I listen to her on the phone because she rants and raves about a someone once she hangs up as though I know what transpired. I find it insulting. I have a lot of serious work to do and it's hard for me to tell her to be quiet. Now, I just ignore her but it doesn't always work. What should I do?

A Yours is a common complaint, a common dilemma. I understand your frustration and how annoying it is to have a chatty neighbor. There are three ways you can deal with this: you can have lunch with her and have a heart-to-heart chat about how you need to focus on your work and would she please keep her voice down; you can talk to a buddy you have in common and tell her or him your dilemma and ask them for advice; you can talk to someone in the human resources department about the situation and ask if you can change cubicles the next time one becomes vacant. If the human relations facilitator questions you, tell her that you are just not a chitchat person and that you find her chatting annoying and distracting. Whatever you do, don't humiliate your co-worker by talking about this with other co-workers, except with the ones just mentioned. The sooner you clarify your cubicle boundaries, the better.

Relationships: Business: Don't Gossip About Boss
Q A boss, (male) and his subordinate(woman) both married become friends. Is it proper for him to kiss her on the lips for a greeting at party's or other events? My wife and I disagree with what is proper.

A You are not going to like my answer. Quite frankly, I don't think that what your boss and his subordinate do is any of your business. Do not gossip about your boss because it will come back to haunt you.

Relationships: Business: Eye Contact in Interviews
Q I have a question that has arisen during my business school interviews: how much eye contact should I make? I'm wondering where the line is between sufficient eye contact and too much eye contact that would make the interviewer nervous. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A When in doubt while making eye contact focus on the person's nose. That way you won't be staring into their pupils. From time to time you can move your gaze back and forth focusing on one eye, then the other, and then the nose. You're right, the dead on eye-to-eye contact is hard to hold for an extended period of time because it is too intense. This way you would still be making eye contact but it won't feel as self-conscious. Trust me, your interviewer will have no idea that you're really gazing at the tip of his nose but he will be relieved that you are not glaring at him. Good luck with your interviews.

Relationships: Business: Food + Drink in the Work Place
Q Can you have any type of food or drinks around your work area?

A This is a question that would be best answered by the human resources department where you work. They set the code for office behavior. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise. The office code regarding food and drinks around the work area would probably allow for food that does not exude an odor---often referred to as "stinky food." So, having coffee or bottled water and a sliced turkey breast sandwich at your desk might not bother anybody; however, if you were to bring in a tuna fish salad sandwich, a banana, or a container of last night's dinner that you heat up in the office microwave, your co-workers might find those smells permeating their cubicles to be annoying and cloying. Cold cuts and salads should be fine, but anything that needs to be warmed might send off an odor that not all of your co-workers will savor. So, be considerate.

Relationships: Business: Giving Notice
Q What is the proper etiquette in leaving a job that you enjoy that does not require a notice?

A Be considerate to your employer and give her/him as much notice as you can before leaving. You might suggest to your favorite coworkers that you all go out for coffee, lunch, or a drink after work on your last day Dutch Treat, and offer to pay for a round, or to pick up the tip.

Relationships: Business: Gum Chewing
Q There are 2 co-workers who chew/snap gum all day in the office. Please give me your view on this. It's very annoying and creates headaches for others. Thank you.

A Talk to the head of the Human Resources department where you work and ask him to send around a memo or email stating that gum chewing is inappropriate in the office place. If he can take on a couple of other issues, for instance, a dress code issue, people might take it more seriously.

Relationships: Business: He Crossed the Boss
Q After 26 yrs of working for an international company, I have made a serious business mistake. I sent a note to a senior executive which I shouldn't have. I was attempting to find out more information on a topic but did not understand the reporting structure which others assumed I did. I'm accepting full responsibility for my mistake but want to assure my VP that I accept the responsibility and I am sorry. We have talked but I would like to follow our conversation with a written apology. What is appropriate? Thank you

A This is serious business and you need to make an appointment immediately to meet with your VP in his office. Look him in the eye and tell him that it was naive (don't use the word stupid) of you to do what you did and you have learned a valuable lesson from the experience. Be humble and speak with an authentic voice. Ask him for advice as to how you can solve the problem and then thank him for his time. Do not stay longer than you have to because this situation has probably taken up too much of his time already. In the meantime, do not chat about the situation with other employees because you don't want it discussed at the water cooler. Remember to watch your body language when talking to the VP. You need to sit tall, no slouching, keep your hands relaxed and don't tap or fidget. Do not cross your arms, keep them open. Best of luck.

Relationships: Business: Hot for Co-worker
Q I am totally attracted to a woman co-worker and don't know what to do. Our conversations have always been on a professional level and I don't know if she's interested in me. Other women co-workers pay attention to me and we go out after work in a group for drinks and casual dinners, but she's the one who turns me on to the point of distraction, if you know what I mean. I don't what to be rejected if I make a move on her, so how can I find out if she would be up to exploring the possibility of going out with me?

A Choose one of the women you go out with after work, preferably the one who thinks you are awesome, to act as unwitting emissary. Say something like, "Just between you and me, I need to explore the possibility that one of our co-workers might be interested in me." Tell her you're not even sure if you really like her in that way but she turns you on to the extent that it gets embarrassing being around her in the office, so you need to find out one way or the other. That will cover you if it turns out she isn't interested in you. Then just wait; by word of mouth such titillating gossip will get around quickly and the woman you are interested in will either become friendlier or more distant.

Relationships: Business: Hungover Co-worker
Q I work in a small office of 5 for a large corporation. It drives me crazy when my co-worker enters the office every morning (she sits right next to me) and goes about her business without saying good morning or hello. She will say good morning only after someone says it to her first. I consider this very rude. I know she is not a "morning person" but she projects an I'm better than you attitude. Who should be the first to say hello or good morning when entering an office for the first time?

A You are absolutely right, the person entering the room announces they are present by offering a salutation. You have two choices here: you can go up the ladder and always say hello to her and ask her how she is first (because she is not a morning person) or you can just mark off her grumpiness as perhaps being a sign that she is dysfunctional in the morning because she over-imbibes in the evening. A sure sign of someone who drinks too much at night is that they are grumpy and irritable the next morning.

Relationships: Business: Job Interview Thank-You Note
Q Is it mandatory to send a thank-you letter after a job interview?

A Absolutely, send that thank-you note out immediately.

Relationships: Business: Newcomer Is Clueless
Q We have a new person at work who has the habit of coming to people's cubes, hanging over them, then starting to chit-chat about personal life. The person does this even when he can see we're on conference calls, and we are actually speaking on the calls. Giving him a look, shaking our heads "no," and giving the "not now" hand wave seem to have no effect. Also, when we are in face-to-face discussions, he will notice and come over and enter our circle or the cube we're in so that he can listen to what we're discussing. This is despite the fact that the issues have nothing to do with him and it would be obvious to anyone else that we are working on something (e.g., we are diagramming something).

How can I get him to stop these two behaviors and still maintain the working relationship? He's been here for a month, but still doesn't seem to be picking up on when it is appropriate to insert himself into a group and when it is not, and continues to interrupt our calls. Thanks for your help with this!

A Offices have their codes of conduct of behavior and a new employee coming in learns these codes one of two ways: He either watches from the side lines to figure out how he should fit in or he wings it and flies by the seat of his pants. If the guy is socially savvy and knows the basic principles of etiquette, he knows how to fit in. If he doesn't have good manners and is not considerate of other people's space, he does not fit in. A compassionate person in your office might take the guy to lunch and clue him into the codes of the office: if you see someone on the phone, go away; if you see two people discussing business that has nothing to do with you, go away. Say, "Listen, we all respect one another's space here, so if you want to fit in, you have to have to respect your co-workers space." If you have a savvy human resources person on the staff, he or she might be the person to have this conversation with the new guy. Whatever you do, don't humiliate the guy and don't chitchat about him behind his back. Show compassion and figure out how to clue him into the codes and conduct of your office.

Relationships: Business: Sending the Boss a Baby Present
Q My boss, the owner of the company, and his wife, whom I've never met due to the short time I've been employed there, just had twins, a boy and a girl; so what's an appropriate gesture on my part?

A Be savvy, as the new employee, ask the other employees if they are planning to respond to the birth of the twins. Perhaps, you might send one nice present with a card from all the employees in your department. If the other employees do not want to pitch in to buy a present, you might send a card or flowers; however, it would depend upon your status. If the recipients are not going to recognize your name on a card, you need not send one; or for that matter, you need not send a present. Congratulating the boss in person is always proper behavior.

Relationships: Business: Setting Social Boundaries With Employees
Q I am the manager of a 55 employee business. Recently an employee who reports to one of my managers sent me an email asking me and my wife to dinner with his wife at his house. I do not feel right about it. Would it be appropriate for me to accept the invitation?

A It would depend upon a couple of things. For instance, if you and your wife attended the same place of worship or were members of the same golf club and the invitation was more of a social bid than a jockeying for position at work, you might be compassionate and accept; if you didn't suspect a hidden agenda. Also, if it was a holiday party or you could tell by an invitation that there would be more than just the four of you at dinner, you might be polite and do a walk through, with or without your wife. Your instinct seems to be telling you not to go, so you might go with your instinct. The problem now is how to get out of the situation compassionately because if you say you are unable to come to dinner, he might ask you when you would be available to come. Then what do you say? If you do accept and go to his house for dinner, and you don't reciprocate he will not invite you again. If this is a social bid and you refuse it, he should get the hint. The only way out might be to email the man back and say:

"Thanks very much for your kind invitation for dinner but I make it a policy not to mix business with pleasure, so I am sorry but we will have to decline." The sooner you establish the boundary with clarity, the better.

Relationships: Business: Social Letters
Q When corresponding from one business exec to another on Monarch papers, which is the preferred method: handwritten note or typed? If normal handwriting is unsightly, is typed note ok?

A Handwritten personal notes are always the most impressive because of the obvious personal touch. However, if your handwriting is unsightly, it is perfectly acceptable to type the note but you would not put the receiver's address at the top over the saluation and you would not use a colon after the salutation; you would use a comma: Dear John, I am sorry for your loss. Then in closing, if you know the person is married or has a partner, your closing sentence might say: I hope you and Alice had a great vacation in the Nassau. Or, please send Alice my best wishes. Then in signing off you would end with, "Sincerely yours," or "My best wishes, not just "Sincerely" or "Yours truly," Then sign your name. You might even put a P.S. in your own hand: I'll call you for lunch next week. Or, let's make a plan to play golf when you're ready.

Relationships: Business: Talking About Colleagues
Q Is it ever appropriate to talk negatively about professional colleagues?


A When you talk negatively about professional colleagues, people will assume that you talk about everyone behind their back. The exception would be if you were asked by a superior to evaluate another professional's behavior or performance.

Relationships: Business: Terminating an Employee
Q Proper etiquette for terminating an employee?

A Give at least one month's notice so that the employee can figure out how to budget the family bills. It would be best if there had been a couple of warnings before the person is fired. Explain the severance pay, or/and the parachute package, how long the person's insurance will be in effect, and state the exact last day of work. Tell the employee in person but be sure that you also send this information to the employee in writing. Always compliment what you liked about his/her work and then lightly mentioning what you didn't. Even if it is hard to find praise, try to do so. If the employee asks you for specifics as to why he/she has been fired, by all means, be honest but preface each reason with an, "I am sorry." For instance, "I am sorry, but we cannot tolerate tardiness. If we ask all the employees to be at their desks at nine, we cannot continually overlook the fact that you are at least forty minutes late three days out of five. I hope that you understand that it is just not fair to the other employees who do make the extra effort to be at their desks on time." Do not gossip about the employee behind his/her back because the employee is in a difficult enough position as it is. Offer to write a recommendation for the employee. Ask the employee what it is he/she would really like to do and then set him/her up with someone in that field for an interview. Also, suggest that the person make an appointment with someone (give a specific name) in the human resource department to network for another job. If the employee has worked for over ten years, be sure to give a going away party of sorts, either a cake on the work premises, host a lunch in a nearby restaurant, or offer a couple of rounds of drinks in a local pub. In the cover letter for the recommendation, be sure to thank the employee for the specific years of service and try to mention what you valued the most about him/her, whether it is hi/her marvelous sense of humor, keen sense of style, punctuality, etc. Nobody likes to get fired, or for that matter, doing the firing so, go up the ladder in terms of how you treat the employee and remember that being fired can often set a person on a downward spiral into a deep depression from which they might possibly not recover. So: you want to honor and value their service and, perhaps, give them a couple of gentle hints as to how they can improve their skills, behavior, attitude, etc. Be sure to end on an up-note by reiterating the employees strength and reassuring him/her that he/she will find a better fit for his/her skills.

Once while an employee was talking to me about a previous job, she said that the boss was the nicest, best employer she had ever had, which made me stop and think about how I might be a better employer myself.

Relationships: Business: Thank-You for Recommendation for MBA Program
Q I am asking people to fill out a recommendation form to get into a MBA program. For the people that fill out the recommendation form, I would like to send them a thank-you of appreciation. Will a card do?

Thank you,
Ruth C. Sciano

A What kind of a card? Yes, if it is a correspondence card, no, if it is a cheap greeting card.

Relationships: Business: Who Says Hello First
Q When a person enters an office should he say hello first or should the person already in the office say hello?

A The person who enters the office announces himself by saying hello and introducing himself to whomever he does not already know.

Relationships: Call Family
Q When a family member leaves the country for work months at a time, do you contact him to say good-bye or should he call to say good-bye?

A Don't wait to find out. Pick up the phone and tell your family member you wish him well.

Relationships: Cellphone: Restaurant
Q Should you use your cellphone in a romantic restaurant?

A On a date, the cellphone is off. It is disrespectful to use your cellphone on a date in a romantic restaurant.

Relationships: Children of Friends
Q My friend has a thirteen-year-old son that doesn't speak when entering my house or a room. He doesn't speak if I don't speak; he doesn't say anything at all to adults when entering a room or at the office. I correct him each times he's with me or around other adults. I told his father but his father makes excuses for him. Please address this so I can let his father know this is rude and his child is developing bad manners.

A The boy may not have good manners but he also needs compassion and consideration. You would not want to humiliate him or criticize him in any way. I do not know your relationship with the boy, but if you are not his parent, you might talk to his parent about his bad manners, but not to him. The kid might never speak to you if you make an issue out of his bad manners. Children learn how to behave from their parents; if he hasn't picked up good manners from his dad, you are treading on shaky ground because when you criticize the child's behavior you are inadvertently criticizing your friend, too. Gently talk to your friend, but be careful not to hurt his feelings. Adolescent boys are often shy because their voices are changing and they never know how words will sound when they come out.

Relationships: Children's Birthday Parties: Gifts
Q A nine-year-old girl is having a birthday party. Her school friend is invited (same age but only brings a card and no gift). The friend's mother stated she did not know what to get the birthday girl so her daughter only brought a card. I say this is not OK.

A My dear, perhaps you need to put yourself in the girl's mother's shoes. Perhaps the mother does not have the money to compete at the gift giving level of the other guests. You would be surprised how many families just cannot afford to give birthday gifts to other people's children because they are having trouble putting food on their own table. Children's birthday parties are not about the "booty" that they bring in. You are teaching them social skills as to how to behave at a party. Etiquette is all about compassion, consideration, and compromise. The child brought a card. She must have felt very embarrassed that her family didn't have the money for a gift. Isn't it better that the child came to the party with a card which she probably spent a long time picking out, then not to have attended the party because she didn't have a gift that she thought that your child would like? You are a role model of behavior for your daughter. Be very careful what you say to her about this. Perhaps it is a good opportunity to talk about the fact that birthdays are not just about the gifts. Be kind to this sweet child who has been taught how to comprise and brought a card.

Relationships: Child's Summer Birthday Dilemma
Q Thank you for your time. My husband and I are considering having our child's late August birthday early, as in the end of May, to allow for school friends to attend. In the past very few children have been able to come to my child's party as they are on vactions or just too busy preparing for the new school year. Is this idea okay?

A It is okay, if that is what you would like to do; however, why not host the first birthday party of the new school year by celebrating his birthday with his friends after the fact. We teach children to be truthful and to have patience, by hosting the party after his real birthday you are teaching him not only to be patient but Not to cheat. Celebrating a child's birthday three months early sets him up for expecting the same year after year, and expecting things to happen before they are meant to happen. Hosting the first birthday of the school year will get those birthday invitations to him flowing throughout the school year. I understand your dilemma, but I think your son might be better served if the school year opened with the anticipation of a birthday party, his birthday party.

Relationships: Choosing Godparents
Q How do I select my baby's godparents?

A Make a list of close family who are perhaps slightly younger than you, but not necessarily, and add friends you have had a long time relationship with who are emotionally stable. You might not want to include your new best friend that you met at the gym or on the playground because it is not a tried and true friendship, yet. It is easiest to ask cousins you've grown up with because you probably share the same values, religion, and lifestyle. Out of my children's six godparents, four are cousins. The cousins make a greater effort to connect because the situation is less awkward; they are cousins and the friendship seems to grow more naturally. Alternatively, if there are friends who are tried and true whose wedding you have attended and whom you see several times a year, friends who you are so connected to that you don't get into snits or rifts with for insignificant reasons, list them. A son might have two godfathers and one godmother and a daughter might have two godmothers and one godfather. When you have your list, ask the godparents in that order because you may be surprised that one does not take to the idea, for whatever reasons. Don't forget to reassure the godparent that it is a spiritual relationship and there is financial obligation. Tell them who the legal guardian is so that they know they are not the only person in the world responsible for your child if something happens.

Relationships: Choosing the Headstone When Couple Was Separated
Q My husband passed away recently. Shortly before his passing we separated. I paid for all the expenses for the funeral and I am taking care of his estate with the insurance money I received. I tried to get his family's input on the funeral arrangements, etc. I have yet to purchase my husband's headstone. My mother-in-law is pressuring me that it needs to be done now. I've talked to several people who say, due to where I live, the headstone cannot be placed in the cemetery until April. Now, my mother-in-law is upset and says she should just do it anyway since my husband and I were not together at the time of his passing. My question is: who is responsible for the decision making process in choosing a headstone and who is to pay for it? My mother-in- law says she just wants to give input. I take this to mean that she wants what she wants and I pay the bill.

A Perhaps you and your mother-in-law can come to a compromise because you were not legally divorced at the time of his death, yet the relationship had deteriorated. You might offer to let her choose the headstone with a cap on the price and offer to pay for a headstone of average cost. For instance, if the average headstone is two thousand dollars and she chooses one that costs three thousand, his estate would pay two thousand and she would pay the additional thousand directly to the workshop. This is a difficult situation for both of you and the sooner the problem is resolved, the sooner you both can start to heal. Don't forget to factor in the expense of having the headstone engraved into your final sum.

Relationships: Christening Clothing
Q Who traditionally purchases a godchild's christening clothing?

A The parents of the godchild provide the Christening clothing. Traditionally, Christening clothing is passed down from generation to generation to be worn by the new baby. If the parents do not have them and cannot borrow them from family members or from a friend, then they would purchase Christening clothing for that child to pass down to be worn at his/her children's Christening.

Relationships: Christmas + Visiting Relatives
Q My two sisters-in-law have always been rude to my sister for no apparent reason and now they come to my house for Christmas and are rude to me and my children. What should I do?

A Yikes, that's a dilemma. Do you have any insight as to why they are rude to you and your sister? Are they insecure? Do they feel that you are better educated, prettier, richer, smarter? How awkward for you! Can you discuss this problem with your brother(s)? You never want to criticize because nothing destroys relationships faster than criticism, so you would just say that you feel that his wife doesn't respect or like you and you are just wondering if you did anything to offend them, or if they felt slighted by you in any way. Say that Christmas was so unpleasant that you won't be hosting next Christmas unless you feel better about the situation. Putting the brothers on notice this early gives the brothers a good eleven months to figure it out and get back to you. Be sure that you act puzzled as opposed to accusatory and ask for their advice, not their help. Say, "Can you give me any insight into why they don't like us, would you please tell me and if you don't know, find out and get back to me. I need your advice, not for you to interfere for me, just tell me what's up." When your brother gets back to you, which might not be for a while, be sure to thank him and listen very attentively to exactly what he says. Really listen. You can even repeat back to him what he says, so that you are crystal-clear about his advice. Whether you take the advice or not is up to you. Sometimes husband's will do anything to keep peace and make peace in the family. But if you listen to what he says, you should glean some insight into why they are rude and whether he has told them that you are concerned that they don't like you, your sister and your children. Then set some boundaries. You don't need toxic people around at holidays. The awful thing about toxic people is that they are contagious. Like a bad cold, toxic people spread their toxic vibes and all of a sudden everybody is grumpy. That's what it sounds like to me. Perhaps, you should wait for as long as possible before making plans for next Christmas. In the meantime, why not go up the ladder and write them both thank-you notes, thanking them for all of the various things that they did and gave that made Christmas so special this year. Be sincere, sweet, and kind, let them feel that your thank-you note comes from your heart.

Relationships: Church Etiquette
Q Is there scriptural guidance to proper church etiquette? I am trying to prepare to teach a class at my church on the subject. Please help me.

A The whole of the gospels cite specific examples and illustrations that were culturally appropriate at that period of time, in 30 AD when, say, women had to have their heads covered. More importantly, the scriptures are the teachings of Jesus and are about how we treat others; with kindness, respect, dignity, and by loving our neighbors. There are fundamentalists who get caught up in the blame and guilt, but proper church etiquette is about treating people as the children of God. Questions about scriptures can't be answered to address the issues of our time because Jesus didn't have to deal with the same issues; therefore we can never force that with which he never dealt.

Relationships: Clique Breaking
Q My office is small and we all are nice to one another, but there is one particular "clique" of 4 women who are nice but tend to leave people out. The other members of the office invite them to go to group lunch, or social gatherings when (and this is key) we are discussing the plans within earshot of them. For private lunchs, we discuss the plans more quietly. They however do not invite us, and yet discuss the plans very loudly in front of those who are not invited. Am I being oversensitive when I feel left out, or is this just plain rude and they should discuss their plans more quietly?

A Since caveman days cliques have caused women to feel slighted. Do not take these supposed slights personally. It might not have anything to do with you. Most probably these women are not deliberately leaving you. They are just more comfortable in one another's company. To be a part of the clique, you will have to figure out what the common interests are that bind them and make those your interests, too, in order to fit in. In my opinion, you have to go up the ladder in situations such as this and go out of your way to, say, host a shower birthday for one of those women. Find out what you can do for each one whether it is, say, an introduction or a favor and do it. Go up the ladder and be really nice, but genuinely nice. On the other hand, don't be clingy. For instance, if you are all headed out for lunch at the same time, give them a big smile and breezily say, "Have a nice lunch," and go your own way. After doing this a couple of times, breezily ask, "Would you mind if I joined you ladies for lunch today?" Your chances of breaking into the clique are better if you are alone. Once you are a full-fledged member of the pack, then you can invite others to join from time to time.

Relationships: Close-ended + Open-ended Questions
Q When and how do you use close-ended questions? Open-ended?

A One would use a close-ended question when one wanted to get the other person thinking about something but you are not expecting them to answer; for instance if you were questioning their ethics, reasoning or values. You might say to your partner: Do you really want that second piece of cake? Your partner is not expected to answer yes or no, because you both know that you are challenging him to think about whether he really needs to eat that second piece of cake. An open-ended question is asked when specific information is needed.

Relationships: Closings for Thank-You
Q What is the proper way to sign a thank-you note to someone you have just met who invited you to dinner and the opera?

A If you are interested in sustaining a relationship with this someone, you need to telephone the next day to thank him for a lovely evening, mentioning both the dinner and the opera. You would not need to send a thank-you note unless you had been treated to the dinner and the opera by an older person, someone who expects thank-you notes. Alternatively, if you wish to make this someone a special person in your life, you might write a thank-you note with the undertones of a love letter. For instance, in closing the thank-you note you might write, "Fondly," or "With affection," or "Affectionately," instead of "Best regards," or "Best wishes." It goes without saying that you would sign your first name only because you have just spent an evening with this person.

Relationships: Club Receives Donation in Memory of Member
Q If a club receives a check/donation in memory of someone, should the family of the memorial also receive notification of the gift?

A Yes, because a member of the family will want to thank the donor for her generosity. However, the club might wait to see if any more donations come in and then send one list with the names and addresses of the donors, though probably not the amount of the donation.

Relationships: College Graduate Gift
Q What is an appropriate college graduation gift?


A Usually the college graduate appreciates money the most. As the graduate will be starting out adult life, many expenses will be encountered and the graduate might greatly appreciate any check, no matter how great or small. Alternatively, the graduate might also appreciate a good watch, pearl earrings or necklace.

Relationships: Colors for Mother's Day Roses
Q When making corsages for Mother's Day, what is the symbolism for the roses (red - Mother alive, white - Mother deceased)?

A Red roses are a sign of love.
Pink roses are a sign of grace.
Dark pink roses are a sign of gratitude.
Light pink roses are a sign of admiration.
White roses are a sign of reverence, innocence, purity, secrecy, friendship and humility.
Yellow roses are a sign of dying and/or platonic love.
Yellow roses with red tips are a sign of friendship and falling in love.
Orange roses are a sign of passion.
Burgundy roses are a sign of beauty.
Blue roses are a sign of mystery.
Green roses are a sign of calm.
Black roses are a sign of slavish devotion.
Purple roses are a sign of protection and of paternal and maternal love.

Pick your shade of rose. As I do not know you, your mother, or anything about your relationship, the choice is up to you.

Relationships: Confirmation Gift
Q What is an appropriate cash gift for a child's confirmation - for individuals in upper middle class circumstances?

A It would depend upon your relationship to the child. According to your means, anywhere between $25 and $100 would be appropriate. I am not a huge fan of cash gifts. I prefer gift certificates, jewelry, and books.

Relationships: Confused Grandparents
Q Received message on answering machine from godmother inviting us (paternal grandparents) to a christening party she is holding (only and not to the actual christening) and telling us to bring specific food, but never telling us time or location of party. Other side of family received mailed invites to both christening at church and to godmother's party, which is to be held at the maternal Grandparents' home. My Husband refuses to go to the party and said we will go to the Church only, invited or not. I'm totally confused, now what?

A Pick up the telephone and talk to your daughter-in-law: say that you received a rather muddled message to bring food to your grandchild's christening party but the baby's godmother didn't give the date or the time of the christening or the party. Give your daughter-in-law the benefit of the doubt that perhaps she ran out of invitations or asked your son to invite you in person and/or she is suffering from postpartum depression. Give her a window of opportunity to remedy the situation. Your invitation may have slipped under the baby's car seat or some such place. Remember how it was to have a new baby and not enough sleep. Good manners and etiquette are based on consideration and compassion. Be of good spirit, a christening is a deeply religious ceremony and a wonderful time for families to come together and celebrate a new member of the family. As the baby's grandparents, you are role models to your son and his wife for proper behavior. In situations such as this, when you go up the ladder, you always come out ahead.

Relationships: Congratulating Baby When Couple Are Split
Q My nephew and his wife just had a baby which is premature. However, they are separated and plan on divorcing. They are both involved in the baby's life even though it remains in the hospital. The prognosis on the baby looks good but I am not sure what is the proper way to congratulate them. Do I send them both a card or just one card and address it to both of them? I am confused. He is living with his girlfriend, which complicates it even more. Please advise.

A You might send the card to your nephew's wife but address it to both of them because they are not divorced and you are congratulating them about their baby.

Relationships: Conversation: Topics to Discuss
Q What questions can you ask a guy?


A What questions can you ask a guy in conversation? First off, let him tell you what he does for a living because you do not want to sound like a "gold digger" who will walk away if he is unemployed. Ask him if he does a sport. Tell him that he looks as if he works out, does he. Ask him where he is from. Ask him what CDs he is listening to. Ask him if about his brothers and sisters. Ask him about his relationship with his family, because you can tell a lot about a guy when he talks lovingly about his family. Ask him where he went on his last vacation. Ask him what his favorite foods are. Ask him where he sees himself five years from now, ten years from now. Ask him where he would travel to and what he would like to see. Ask him if he has a pet. Ask him what his favorite movies are and tell him yours.

Relationships: Corsage for Black Tie Party
Q Is it customary to buy a woman a corsage when attending a black tie affair?

A If this is your senior prom, the answer is yes. If not, no. If you had a great time you can send her a thank-you note or flowers with a note the next day.

Relationships: Couple Etiquette: Alluring Women Who Make Men Make Fools of Themselves
Q My husband recently walked in a restaurant where my father, my female cousin from Scottsdale and I were dining. My father had just arrived in town and my cousin had already been visiting in our home for several days. My husband greeted my father ....shook his hand, reached across the table and shook MY hand????, and then reached over and kissed my female cousin who was seated directly beside me.

Last year I flew out to visit my cousin and stayed for a week. My husband joined us the next week...when he arrived at the airport, after having not seen him for a week, he went straight to my cousin, hugged and kissed her, and then to me.

In both cases I think my face turned bright red. What is the proper protocol here? Am I being too sensitive? My husband thinks my cousin is very beautiful. He has never been inappropriate with her in any other way.

A There is a body of research that suggests that some women's bodies produce stronger pheromones than others. Also, as women age we produce less and less pheromones. Women who produce a lot of pheromones, no matter how good looking or young they are, are more attractive to men. Men have a hard time controlling their attraction to pheromones and can be blinded by them because they actually make men feel high. Whether this is the case with your husband or not, he still should not have been rude to you. Nevertheless, the most gentlemanly gentleman can forget his manners when he is in the presence of a women with high levels of pheromones. This does not excuse your husband's behavior, but it might help you to understand that you shouldn't take his exuberance over your cousin as a personal slight to you. Just go up the ladder and ignore the behavior, perhaps reminding him when she's around that he has a crush on her and that he better mind his manners.

Relationships: Couples Signing Cards
Q When sending a sympathy card to a family from a married couple, is it signed John and Mary Smith, or Mary and John Smith?

A I am a huge fan of ladies first. Traditionally, the given name that appears first would be that of the person who knows the recipient of the card the best and/or longer. So: if Mary was at college with the recipient of the card or the deceased, her name would most definitely appear first because she established the relationship.

Relationships: Cousin Question Graduate's Gift
Q My cousin's daughter is a senior in college and plays the flute. She will be performing at her college and there is a social afterwards. Am I expected to give her anything?

A You are not expecting to give her anything, your cousins are proud of her and invited you so that family members can be aware of her many accomplishments. However, I am sure that any young person starting off on their own after college would greatly appreciate a small check.

Relationships: Co-worker Burps + Farts
Q How can I tell a co-worker who shares my office with me that he has a problem with burping and gas. He burps almost every day--and doesn't try to muffle it at all. Sometimes when he sits down, he lets out gas and avoids saying anything at all. How do I bring up this touchy subject and get him to stop?

A This is a common problem that nobody knows how to handle. The best way I've found to confront the problem is to make it a joke; for instance, "I guess we don't have to give you a whoopee cushion" for Christmas. Then the next time he farts you can say, "There goes that human whoopee cushion again". If that's not your style, why not have a chat with the poor guy and tell him that there are all sorts of drugs these days to prevent burping and flatulants and ask if he has tried any of them. Show true concern. If that doesn't work, get him some Zantac and Tums and tell him point blank that he has a problem that effects his fellow co-workers and he needs to deal with it.




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Relationships: Co-worker Dresses Inappropriately
Q How to do tell a co-worker that her way of dressing is inappropriate for work? She wears low cut pants with a short crop top in a chemical technical service/professional area.

A If there is a human resources department or employee management department, you might ask if one of the women would have a talk with the co-worker to discuss the appropriate dress code. Etiquette and manners are all about compassion and consideration, so you might want to be careful not to humilate the woman in front of her coworkers. If there are no women in these departments, try to find a woman staff member who will discuss the dress code with her. Alternatively, the human resources department might send out an email to all co-workers with an update on the various rules of the company and include a dress code, which might state that low cut pants and cropped tops are inappropriate in the workplace and anyone wearing them to work will be asked to go home and change.

Relationships: Co-worker Has Poor Manners
Q One of my co-wokers has really bad manners and I was wondering what is the best way to tell her...she has children and if she acts that way, one can only imagine how she teaches her children how to behave properly...or rather, improperly.

A Manners are about consideration and compassion. To start, you need to be compassionate about your co-worker's bad manners because it is usually uneducated people who have bad manners and therefore she might be a product of her upbringing. For her birthday or Christmas, you might wrap up a book of everyday manners, tie it with a sweet little bow, and give it her. If she asks you why you gave her a book on manners, you can tell her you are trying to be her friend and you thought the book might help her.

Relationships: Critical Hostess
Q My grandmother died last month. She was my only living relative besides my children. I had to travel a great distance to make her funeral arrangements. I called my husband's cousin and asked him if my children (2, ages 18 & 14) and I could stay at his house while we took care of this. He agreed without reservations. On the drive there his stepmother called and basically badgered me into staying at her house instead. We arrived late and went straight to bed. The next morning we woke up early and left to take care of things. His stepmother called later in the day and said she had made a roast the night before and asked us to come eat. I was really pressed for time and I still had a meeting with my grandmother's lawyer, so I apologized and said no. At that point she proceeded to lecture me about smoking in her house. She said upon returing home, her husband and she had both smelled the smoke. I told her "no one smoked in your house, I don't even smoke in my own house." The conversation was very short and I didn't give her an inch. We arrived at the house late that evening and she and her husband had already retired for the night. The next morning we got up at 8 and there she was, sitting at the table, with her bible, drinking coffee in her pj's and house coat. I was appalled at the idea that she had stayed home to "hawkeye" us to make sure we didn't smoke in her house. She is an elementary school teacher and it was not a school holiday. We dressed quickly, said thanks and left for the funeral and then left for the drive back to our home. I called my husband and told him what she had said and did and he was just as mad as I am. I do not want to write this woman a thank-you note. I cannot believe I was treated that way. If the smoke was on my coat from smoking in the truck on the 24 hour trip there, then SORRY, but don't accuse me of smoking when I say I didn't, and then don't stay home and see if I don't do it again. What should I do? I can just hear the repercussions in the extended disfunctional family now..."she didn't even write me a thank-you note..." If I say thank you I would be lying. She treated me horribly.

A I am sorry she treated you terribly and that she was not more compassionate and considerate under the circumstances. I am a big fan of walking away from a bad situation and taking the high road by going up the ladder. Write her a thank-you note and be done with her. You don't ever have to see her again, but if you end it as the better person, at least you know that you did the right thing by writing a thank-you note.

Relationships: Criticizing Bad Behavior in Public
Q I was out with a group of friends for dinner the other night with my husband when one of our friends came up to our table and without giving anyone else at the table a greeting proceeded to invite one of the couples at our table out for dinner. I felt insulted that he 1) never acknowledged us and 2) that he didn't try to get the couple off to the side to invite them. When he left our table I said that I didn't think his behavior was appropriate and that it was an ignorant thing to do. My husband got upset with me and told me so in front of the others. I felt not only dismissed by the person but chastised by my husband. Was I out of order?

A You are not going to like my answer. Next time you need to think before you expound in public on other people's behavior. Chalk the situation up to bad manners on the part of the interloper. Go up the ladder in situations like this and ignore rudeness. When you and your husband are alone in private you can tell him what you thought of your friend's behavior. Unfortunately, in situations like this when your friend might have been drinking, the alcohol made him forget his manners, and apparently, yours, too.

Relationships: Cuddling Guests
Q Is cuddling at the family Christmas party a bad public display of affection?

A Young adults often have a hard time keeping their hormones and feelings under control when they are in the throws of early love and their cuddling can be sweet or their cuddling can be annoying. Jokingly suggest that they find someplace more comfortable. It is such a joy seeing people being affectionate that you probably would not want to criticize them. As we know, the worse thing you can do in family dynamics is criticize a family member. Criticism destroys more relationships than anything else. So, bite your tongue, cut them some slack, and be happy that young people are not afraid of showing affection. Don't be a curmudgeon just because you are not getting those hugs.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette
Q How should men treat women when starting a relationship?

A If you go to your public library or local bookstore, you will find that hundreds and thousands of books have been published on the subject. An easy one is Dummies' Guide to Dating. Alternatively, go to www.amazon.com and type in a search for dating.

As far as etiquette goes, in a nutshell: about any issue ask her three times, if she still says "No," or doesn't reply, drop it; ladies always go first; don't wear a baseball cap on a date; open all doors including car doors; put the toilet seat down; don't assume that she wants to sit for hours watching sports on TV; when invited for dinner, ask her what you can bring; if you find that you are running over ten minutes late, phone her to give her an estimated time for your arrival so that she isn't angry with you for wasting her time; be sure that you practice good hygiene and make sure that your breath and clothing are always fresh; if she is sleeping over, be sure that the sheets are fresh; if you need her to pay for her share of the date, let her know ahead of time, so that she can budget her day; upon arriving, be sure to tell her how lovely, pretty, cool, or beautiful she looks; never criticize her, because criticism ruins relationships; never borrow money from her; do not put down her friends or family, even if she makes derogatory comments about them from time to time; do not interrupt her when she is talking; apologize and backtrack if you behave badly; thank her when she say or does something kind for you; listen attentively to what she has to say; in response, always say, "I understand"; don't assume that she necessarily wants your advice, because most of the time she is talking because she needs to vent and talking helps her to figure it out herself; if she cooks for you, tell her what tastes good to you; ask her if she would like to have a bath after dinner and draw it; be sure that she is adequately stimulated before you come; don't ask her if you are a good lover; don't put yourself down; don't complain about the size of your penis; don't show her photos or tell tales of sexual exploits with other women; do not answer your cellphone or text message when you are on a date or are in bed; tell her what you like about her love making; use condoms; fall asleep holding her hand, if you are not in an embrace; be attuned to her moods to know when you need to give her space; learn what pushes her buttons so that you don't push them by mistake; know what triggers her bad moods and be patient; don't tell her that you love her unless you mean it; if you mean it, and she reciprocates, tell her every day that you love her; once you tell her that you love her, do not cheat on her because she might never forgive you. To establish a solid relationship with her, you will have to learn to read her facial expression and body language in order to connect with her and be in synch.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette:
Q When dating is it the man only who should call the woman at first?


A After the first date, the synchronization should be pretty equal between the couple. There is an ebb and flow going on of social bidding that goes back and fourth between the two: he invites her to dinner, she invites him to a party, he takes her to brunch, she invites him for supper. So, who calls whom next is about the next social bid.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: Asking About H.I.V.
Q Currently I am dating a popular bachelor who is handsome, sexy and has a brilliant career. John has had many more sexual encounters than I have had and I don't want to have sex with him until I know that he is not infected with H.I.V. When I bring up the subject, hinting that I would like to know if he has been tested, he acts as if I've insulted him saying, People like me don't get H.I.V. I really love John, but since he's older and more worldly, I fear for my health. How can I get him to get tested?

A By the end of 2006, a relatively quick do-it-yourself H.I.V. test should be a staple in pharmacies. When it becomes available, you could easily invite your date in for a drink and offer him a rapid H.I.V. test that takes twenty minutes and not miss your dinner reservation. If the two of you take the test together, it would set both of your minds at ease. This hugely important step in the courting process will become de rigueur for savvy new couples.

Your instincts are probably telling you that you wouldn't be comfortable having sex with John unless you knew for sure that he is H.I.V. free, thus putting you at a disadvantage because you would be inhibited sexually. As passion always has an urgency to it, take the test, but don't wait for the pharmacies to carry it. You both can be tested at any walk-in medical center anonymously; however, you need to remember that even though it is as easy as a swab on the cheek in the inside of your mouth and a twenty-minute wait, you must take into consideration that it can take up to three months for H.I.V. to show up in a test. Show John your test results on your next date and ask him to do the same for you. Most likely, you can sweet talk him into getting tested by saying something like this: You're such an attractive man so you have obviously had sex with many women who have had many partners, too. Aren't you curious? Remind him that it is a matter of his safety, too. There are a million people in the United States who have tested positive for H.I.V. So: Be safe and use a condom.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: When to Give Up
Q My mom always said that when you've tried connecting with someone and after three tries there's no response, you should give up. I'm totally infatuated with someone. I've made three attempts to get her to spend time with me and I have not had a positive responsive. Should I give up or should I make a fool of myself with the hope that it will work out?

A It depends upon how she rejected you. If she is leaving another relationship and she is a codependent person, she might be up for a new one. Chances are: three strikes and you are out. However, if you really feel this person is your soul-mate, build on the friendship. Romantic relationships are built on friendship.

Relationships: Dating Etiquette: Rescheduling
Q After you have agreed to meet someone, then th