Wedding Etiquette: 25th Anniversary and Church Ceremony
Q My husband and I were married by court, and our 25th wedding anniversary is coming. So is it proper to have a church wedding for our 25th wedding anniversary? We know we want to have a celebration, but if we have a church ceremony, do we have a bridal party ex...maid of honor, best man...? We need some help as to what is the proper way of planning this.

Thank you.

A My best advice to you is to talk to your rector, pastor, minister. As you are already legally married, this is really an affirmation of those wedding vows with the added blessing of the church. Personally, I think it is a really lovely thing to do; however, I don't think after 25 years you want to wear a long white gown with a veil and train. In my opinion, you would have a small private ceremony with your closest relatives and friends. I wouldn't get too formal or fussy. Wear a splendid beige skirt suit or short dress, with beautiful shoes, that can be worn again without the very small bouquet. Your husband can wear his very best business suit with a tie in your favorite color and a boutonniere in his lapel. You wouldn't have a bridal party of attendants, because you don't need "witnesses to your moral character," as you've been wed for 25 years. The important thing is to be surrounded by close family, because you are their role model showing them that marriage does work. Having a brunch, luncheon, tea, or cocktail buffet after the ceremony would be all that you would want to do in terms of celebration unless you wanted to have a seated dinner, perhaps even with a dancing band, to which you could invite a wider group of friends and relatives. Since I don't know your budget, you could celebrate your "spiritual" wedding with either a picnic, barbecue, restaurant or club luncheon or dinner, or even a tented and catered dinner dance in your backyard or garden.

Combining your 25th anniversary with a religious wedding ceremony is a really lovely thing to do. Make it a special occasion for your closest family and friends, but most of all for the two of you.

Wedding Etiquette: Acknowledging the Deceased Mother
Q My older sister passed away in 2001. Her daughter who is 46 is getting married for the first time in October 2011. Her bridesmaids want to:
1. give her a locket at the bridal shower with a picture of her and her Mom inside.
2. want to leave a chair "empty" at both the shower and wedding table for my sister.

My other sister and I are against both ideas and feel it will cast a pall over both celebrations. My brother-in-law never remarried and will be at the wedding table.

So, is this a custom as far as the "empty' chair and if the girls want to give her a locket, shouldn't it be in private and not at a shower with 80 guests?

A I'm with you, I agree that this is not the time to honor your older sister. The locket doesn't really bother me, although it might be in better taste for them to give her the locket in private, as you suggested. As for the "empty" chair, it is morbid. Tell them a wedding is a happy occasion and that it isn't appropriate to make a special place for the ghost in the room. Your niece is moving on and getting married, she shouldn't have to be reminded of her mother.

Customarily, that sort of acknowledgment is stated at the end of the ceremony program and goes something like this:

Today and everyday we remember

(Then you list close family members who are deceased with her mother at the top of the list.)

Wedding Etiquette: Adult Conversation With Your Daughter the Bride: Expenses
Q Our daughter has been out on her own for seven years. She is getting married this summer. Our youngest is in college and we have tightened our belts in order to help him through school. We paid for our daughter's college education, too. She knows we are financially committed above and beyond and yet she keeps suggesting costly/expensive ways she wants me to support her. Her latest suggestion was for a roof-top wedding shower that I cannot afford and would not be comfortable with even if I were not paying for our last child's college education. How can I talk to her about this?

A Honestly? Not over e-mail. Hopefully, face to face over a cup of coffee. If that is not possible, then write her a heartfelt letter telling her what you told me. Adding that in a perfect world, you would be happy to help with her wedding expenses, but you cannot afford anymore expenditures at this time. Remind her of what you have done for her. Be sure to include the fact that she doesn't have a college loan to pay back because you chose to pay for her education instead of tucking it away to pay for her wedding.

Children have huge expectations of what they think parents are willing to do. She's an adult now, so talk to her adult to adult. By reminding her of all that you're done, you're showing that you're not stingy. Tell her not to have any expectations about getting further financial help from you, and she won't expect you to help.

Wedding Etiquette: After the Fact
Q My son and future daughter-in-law want a very small wedding. They are only invited 6 people from her family, 6 from ours, just immediate family. I feel terribly bad about my sisters and my husbands sisters and the rest of the family being left out, including my mother (who has dementia). Can I throw a party in their honor in our home town, a month or two after the wedding?

A It is so sweet, generous, and kind of you to want to celebrate their marriage. Do it. You do not even have to wait that long. It does not matter if it is a picnic, a barbecue, or a cocktail party. Your son and daughter-in-law will greatly appreciate any party you throw for them; however, you need to allow them to invite their friends, too.

Wedding Etiquette: All the Bridesmaids Host Bridal Shower
Q As the Maid of Honor, I am planning a bridal shower and I wanted to know how I can ask the other women in the wedding party to help finanically and creatively with the shower. The women I only met once or twice during gown shopping.

A My dear, it is totally appropriate for you to involve all the bridesmaids in the planning, orchestrating, and paying for the bridal shower. Make out a list of the things that need to be done and the expenses. Put your name next to those that you can do. For instance, you might hold the shower at your apartment; however, if you have four roommates in a two bedroom apartment, you might rather find a bridesmaid who would be willing to have the party at her house. First you need to email or telephone the other bridesmaids and tell them that since a bridal shower is traditionally given by all the women in the bridal party, you want to keep everyone in the loop and you are taking a vote on whether to have a coed kitchen and bar cocktail party shower or a girlie-girlie lingerie luncheon shower.
Once you have a vote, go back with your list and find out who might pitch in to cover what. Make it a team effort with you the captain.

Wedding Etiquette: Amount Spent on Wedding Gift
Q What is the proper amount to spend on a wedding gift?

A It would depend upon how well you know the wedding couple and how much you can afford to spend. Why not check out their wedding Web site or the wedding channel on the Internet for their bridal registry information. That way you would be sending them something that you know that they want that you can afford. The store will then send the gift to the registered address. Customarily, guests try to estimate the cost per guest and spend that amount on the gift. For instance, for a brunch or afternoon reception the cost per person would start at approximately $100 per guest so, a married couple attending the wedding might send a present from the bridal registry valued at $200. Seated evening receptions can cost per person anywhere from $150 and up, up, up. Therefore, you would spend what you can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement Etiquette
Q When two 35 to 45-year-olds marry, what should the wording on their announcement be?

A It would depend upon how formal the wedding couple wish to appear. A formal wedding announcement would have the parents announcing the marriage of their daughter. An informal announcement would have the wedding couple announcing the marriage. If the parents are not alive or if it is a second marriage for the bride, then the couple would announce themselves. Insert your own information, center the lines on ecru card stock with black typeface:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
have the honour of announcing
(or have the honour to announce)
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline
to Mr. William Randolph Shakespeare
on Friday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six (formally the year is spelled out)
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Amanda Caroline Dickens
William Randolph Shakespeare
have the honour to announce (honor can be either way)
their marriage
on Saturday, the tenth of June
2006
Newport, Rhode Island

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement When a Parent Is Deceased
Q How do you word a newspaper engagement announcement when the father is deceased and the mother hasn't remarried?

A The announcement would read: Mrs. Such-and-Such of Newport, Rhode Island, announced the engagement of her daughter Anna (insert middle name, if there is one) Gamble, whose father, Mr. Such-and-Such is deceased, to Such-and-Such, the son of Mr. and Mrs. Such-and-Such of Greenwich, Connecticut.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement: How to Respond
Q My cousin got married last weekend on the West Coast. Over the last 15 years, I haven't seen or spoken with him at all (not even a Christmas card) other than at his sister's wedding eight years ago. There's no animosity between us - just an 18 year age difference and we've always lived in different states, so we don't have much of a relationship. I wasn't invited to his wedding and neither were my parents and sister, but we each just received an announcement. Should I send a wedding gift?

A No, you are not under any obligation whatsoever to send a wedding gift, if you did not attend the wedding.

However, in order to sustain the relationship between you and your cousin, you would send either a handwritten, heartfelt note of congratulations on your best social stationery, or a greeting card adding a few warm words of your own before signing your name.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement: Listing Groom's Parents
Q My daughter recently got married and I want to send out an announcement of their wedding that includes my new son-in-law's parents. They are divorced, his father is a Colonel as well as a physician in the army. I need to know how to list his name correctly in the announcement.

A Traditionally, in the Christian faith the parents of the bride announce the marriage and the groom's parents' names are not listed on the announcement. Less formally the wedding couple announce their marriage without listing either sets of parents.

Since there are no rules carved in stone, you can do what you wish. Therefore, you would list the groom's father as:

Dr. Colonel John Robert Stevenson

Be sure to spell out all the names, including his middle name.

In my opinion, etiquette-wise the best way to find out how to list the groom's father would be to pick up the phone and ask him directly.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcements
Q Is there a proper way to send out an announcement of the wedding but not exactly invite people? I would like to let people I work with know but don't have the space actually to invite all of them.



A You can handle this in two ways. You can send out a wedding announcement after the fact to all those whom you want to know that you are married and you can announce your wedding in your local newspaper.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcements When Bride's Parents are Divorced and Remarried
Q How to word wedding announcement when bride's parents are divorced and one is remarried?

A As I don't know which parent of the bride has remarried, here are two examples for a wedding announcement, center the lines and fill in your own information making sure that the mother of the bride is on the first line and the father is on the second line, whether they have remarried or not:

Mrs. Jane Wilson Doe
Mr. John Brown Doe
have the honour of announcing
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline
etc.

Mrs. Charles Stewart Dickens
Mr. John Brown Doe
have the honour to announce
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline Doe
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcements: Divorced Parents
Q Didi,
My son will marry in a few weeks. I'm a professional woman with an advanced degree who travels frequently. I have a broad range of friends and colleagues, most of whom only know my son through photos. His father and I have been divorced most of our son's life. I'm arranging to send Announcements of the wedding to some of my closest colleagues because the bride's parents declined to send both invitations and announcements.
My son's father is in a serious, long-term relationship although they are not married. I kept my ex-husband's name after the divorce and I have never remarried. How do I identify my ex-husband and myself on the Announcement without giving the impression that we're married? Does the order of our names matter? I am handling all details (including all costs) for our son's marriage.
Thanks for your thoughts!

A In a situation such as this, I would order extra announcements and send some to your ex-husband and to the parents of the bride, along with a sweet, short note. When a wedding announcement goes out, it is customary to have enough printed so that the ex-husband and the bride's parents can send some out, too. You don't have to order more than, say, twenty announcements to each. Center these lines on the page and insert your own information:

Mrs. Emily Grace Dickinson
Mr. George Elliot Dickinson
Mr. and Mrs. William Charles Shakespeare
have the honour of announcing
(or: have the honour to announce)
the marriage of their children
Elizabeth Anne
to
Mr. George Elliot Dickinson, Jr.
on Friday the first of October
two thousand and eight
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

You would list the names of the parents alphabetically by last name and your name would proceed your husband's name.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing after the Marriage
Q My husband and I want to send out announcements of our son's wedding (the ceremony and reception will be too small to invite everyone we want.) Who gets top billing on the announcements, the son's parents or bride's parents? Then bride or groom? We want to be correct.

A Traditionally, the bride's parents make the announcement after the wedding by sending out announcements to their friends, your friends, and the couple's friends and relatives. The bride's parents names are at the top because they are making the announcement; it is their daughter who was the one they just gave away in matrimony to the groom. Who pays for the announcement and sends it is none of anyone's business. Customarily, the groom's parents are not on the announcement, but these days people forgo tradition to suit their lifestyle. Whatever you do, pick up the telephone and discuss it with your daughter-in-law's parents and the newlyweds. The announcement might be like this, with your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
announce with great joy
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Louise
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
June 21, 2006
Nantucket

Alternatively, you and your husband might host a cocktail party, cocktail-buffet or dinner dance for the newly weds within six months after their wedding. At that point you might mention both parents' names on the invitation and you might add an insert card with the newlyweds' address and bridal registry information. Remember: you might not wish to list that information on an announcement on which no invitation was extended to the recipient.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing to Those Not Invited
Q Wedding announcement prior to the wedding to people not invited to the wedding, should the announcement include where the couple is registered for gifts?

A It is not considerate to send announcements prior to the wedding to people who are not being invited to the wedding, and it is exceptionally rude to ask them for a gift, if you are not inviting them to the wedding. Only people who actually attend the wedding are required to send wedding presents. However, you might send announcements to people after the wedding, but you still would not solicit a gift from them, because their only requirement might be to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Annulment: Returning Wedding Gifts
Q My daughter got married on 12/23/2010. My daughter and her husband are now seeking an annulment and ending their marriage after 6 months. What is the protocol for returning wedding and monetary gifts that they received for their wedding after 6 months of marriage? Please advise.

A Traditionally, you have a card printed up from the bride and the groom, using their pre-marriage names:"Elizabeth Anne Wilson and George Adams Ross announce by mutual agreement that our marriage has been annulled and as much as we appreciate your gift, please find that gift enclosed." No matter the circumstances, use "by mutual agreement," as the wedding present was given to the wedding couple and returned by both parties.

Six months is tricky because you insult the giver if you haven't used the gift and therefore it is still boxed or, worse, it was returned and exchanged. In my opinion, it is not necessary to return small gifts that have been used (or returned) and only return large monetary gifts or significant gifts that are still boxed. Fortunately most people are understanding.

Nowadays, usually only significant gifts are returned and usually only when the wedding has been called off. In this situation, none of the wedding guests should resent not having their gift returned to them because it is assumed that the giver/guest was compensated for the gift by having been hosted at the wedding reception. With the cost for hosting one guest running from anywhere to a $100 per person and up, up, up, the guest should feel they have already been compensated tit-for-tat.

The sooner the task is completed the better. As I said, in my opinion, for the smallish gifts from people who attended the reception, there is no need to return the gift or announce the annulment.

Wedding Etiquette: Anullment Protocol
Q What is the protocol for wedding gift thank-you notes after the marriage has been anulled?

A It would depend how soon after the wedding the marriage is anulled. If it is a short period of time, say, up to three months, you would package up the gift and return it to the sender with a handwritten note saying something such as this:
Thank you for the beautiful Tiffany vase, which you will find enclosed herewithin. Charles and I have mutually agreed that we should not be married and our marriage has been annulled.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Bridesmaids Parents Invited?
Q Is it customary to invite the parents of the bridesmaids in your wedding party, even if you met them once or not at all?

A No, you are not under any obligation to invite the parents of the bridesmaids.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Invitations Sent to People Who Won't Attend
Q Should wedding and wedding shower invitations be sent to family and friends that are out of state even though it is unlikely that they could attend?

A It depends. For instance, if you know the family and friends will want to send wedding presents, then receiving an invitation keeps them in the loop of the festivities. However, if these are family and friends whom you think might think you are just looking for a gift, forget them. However, if you have attended their family weddings, or expect that you might, then, by all means, send them an invitation. An invitation is a social bid, it does not have to be interpreted as a way to ask for gifts, even though that is often the case.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Organist + Musicians Invited to Rehearsal Dinner
Q Are the organist and musicians invited to a wedding rehearsal dinner?

A No, you are not obligated to invite the organist and the musicians to the rehearsal dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking for Cash on Bridal Shower Invite
Q How do I ask for money on bridal shower invitations?


A If you are a member of the bride or groom's family, it might seem tacky if you ask for money. However, if you are the matron of honor organizing the bridal shower and know that the bride needs money to cover her personal wedding expenses, you might say on the invitation: "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated".

Wedding Etiquette: Asking For Honeymoon Money In Lieu Of Present
Q Is it proper wedding etiquette to ask for money towards the honeymoon instead of presents from wedding guests?

A It is perfectly acceptable to ask for money to be used towards your wedding trip. Why not enclose a small card along with your wedding invitation with your address and words similar to these but inserting your own names: In lieu of a present, Susan and Donald would greatly appreciate a small check towards their wedding trip in Tahiti.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking Unknowns to Family Wedding
Q I live in Texas and received an invitation to my nephew's (half-brother's son) wedding & reception in California. The invitation to the ceremony and reception was addressed only to me. I was briefly separated a few years ago from my husband and my nephew may not know that I've been back at home for several years. I am planning to attend both events and my husband and two grown children will be traveling to California with me. I have booked two rooms in the block set aside at the hotel for out-of-town guests. Would it be proper for me to ask my nephew and his fiance if my husband and children could attend the ceremony and if my husband only could attend the reception with me? If an invitation is extended for my husband and children to attend both events, would it be polite to offer to reimburse them for the extra cost? This situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that I was adopted and did not meet my brother or my nephew and other family members until 10 years ago. My son and daughter have never met my nephew or his sister. We have maintained a cordial but not a close relationship. I was delighted to be invited but don't want to complicate things by asking to bring guests with me, even though they are my immediate family members. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

A If I were you, I might pick up the telephone and call your nephew to congratulate him on his upcoming marriage. Then say something such as this, "I don't know if you know that my husband (insert his name) and I are back together, but we are hoping to attend your wedding, if it would be all right for him to come because his name was not on the invitation. We have booked two rooms for us and my husband's two grown children ages (insert both ages), but since they are not family, I don't want to ask if they can be invited to the wedding." Pause, and remember that he will have to ask his wife to ask her parents if three more unexpected guests can come to the wedding and the reception. He will have to get back to you on this, so you need to tell him that it is not a big deal because they are big boys and are perfectly capable of amusing themselves for an afternoon exploring a new city.

Now, there are a couple of etiquette problems here: your husband cannot regret the wedding ceremony and accept the reception, especially if he wasn't even invited in the first place; secondly, your husband's two sons have never met the bride and groom and they are not related to them, so: unless the bride and groom offer to include them (at the bride's parents' expense), it would be rude of you to ask if they can be invited and offer to pay for their meals.

If the bride and groom extend the invitation to your husband, be grateful, but do not expect, or push, for invitations for his two children. It is not just the cost of having the two grown children, it is the fact that they don't know them and the two children will have to be seated somewhere. Also, if the grown children are under 21 years of age, remember, they will not be allowed to drink alcohol. Unless the couple insist on your husband's children attending, too, don't force it. Should the bride's family be so generous as to include you, be sure to send a hugely expensive present from their wedding registry, as well as a thank-you note to the bride's parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Attending the Ceremony When Only Invited to the Reception
Q My pregnant daughter and granddaughter will be in a wedding this weekend. It is for my daughter's best friend. My husband and I are invited to the reception. Is it all right if we go to watch the ceremony from the back of the church? We would like to see our girls in the ceremony as well as the ceremony itself. My daughter does not want to ask the bride as she does not think the bride or the bride's Mom would want anyone there who wasn't invited. I don't think they would mind at all. I think she is worrying for nothing. Is it not expected that some will attend the ceremony, too, even if not invited to the dinner?

A You are correct. It was an oversight on the part of the bride and her mother. I'm sure they wouldn't mind, and might not even notice, if you attended the ceremony. As you say, "It is expected that some will attend the ceremony, too, even if not invited to he dinner." Obviously, the hosts don't want to be blatantly rude to those not invited to the dinner by inviting them just to the ceremony and the reception, so they felt it was better etiquette to invite those not attending the dinner just to the reception.

Should anyone say anything to you, you would respond by saying, "We just had to watch Allison being married, our daughter and granddaughter are part of the wedding party."

Remember a church is a house of worship open to the public. When the church doors are open, anyone can respectfully enter the church and join in the service and prayers. When the church is expecting a large crowd for a wedding or funeral, the center seats are often corded off with a sign that says reserved for invited guests. If you see that, then you know to sit on the side or in back of the roped off area. You will find other people there, parishioners of the church who enjoy wedding ceremonies and other curious friends of the extended family who don't feel slighted by not having been invited to the dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Attending the Reception Only
Q Is it okay just to go the reception??

A Traditionally, it is okay to go to the church and not the reception, but it is not okay to go to the reception and not the church. Some people like to say the reception is your reward for going to the church ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Attending Without Your Spouse
Q Hi! The son of a close friend from college is getting married at 4pm at a church in Simsbury, CT, on June 4. I am 54. My wife has a scheduling conflict and cannot attend. What are my options?
Thank you!
Gifford Lorenz

A If you are asking whether or not you should attend your close friend's son's wedding, it is up to you. If you would like to attend, then do. When responding, make it clear that your wife won't be attending. That way you will be carefully seated with people that know you.

Because this is the son of a close friend who is getting married, you would probably feel moved to send a wedding present whether you attended or not. Be sure to send a present from the wedding couple's bridal registry so that you know you are sending something that they need and want.

If you are wondering how to respond solo, just say as much on the reply card: Mr. Charles Dodge accepts with the pleasure the kind invitation to Jake and Rebecca's wedding...

Then add, "due to a prior commitment, Mrs. Dodge is unable to attend." If there isn't room on the front of the reply card, then draw an arrow and on the other side of the reply card write, "Unfortunately, due to a prior commitment Mrs. Dodge is unable to attend."

You will find that there will be other solo spouses your age and that couples will chat you up. Weddings are usually quite friendly because everyone knows someone. Your friend, the groom's father, will make sure to introduce you around. If you really feel uncomfortable about attending solo, then don't attend because you don't have to do so.

If I haven't addressed your concern, please let me know.

Wedding Etiquette: Attire: Who Pays For Wedding Attire Of Bridal Party
Q Who's responsible for the wedding attire, for the bridal party?

A Customarily, the groom, his best man, and his ushers go to the same tuxedo rental shop and order their outfits together so that they all match. If the men are over thirty-five years of age and/or are working it is expected that they can afford to pay for their wedding attire rental, however, if they are young and cannot afford to pay often the groom's family might help to cover the expense. The same is true of the bridesmaids. If a bridesmaid cannot afford her dress, the bride's family might help to cover the expense.

Wedding Etiquette: Aunt's Extra Guests
Q We have invited my aunt and her husband to the wedding and reception. My aunt's daughter,(my cousin) has called to say my aunt's husband can't come, but asks if we would have room for herself, her new 2nd husband, and another cousin and wife. She thought it would be fun to reconnect after these 20 yrs. We think she wants to show off her husband. Financially, inviting 4 extras is stressful.

A Just write her a short heartfelt note to tell her how terribly sorry you are but, at this point in time, there are not any places for four more people as you are only inviting close family. Say, "I hope you will understand that this a small wedding."

Wedding Etiquette: Aunt's Role When Mother of the Bride Is Deceased
Q My niece is getting married in Florida in October at a seven pm. candlelight wedding. Her mom, my sister, passed away three years ago and I'm helping in her place. We were best friends and I'm very close to my niece. What do I wear, I'm 58 and is there something really special I can do for my niece to help ease the pain of not having her mom there for this wonderful day?

A You can remind your niece that her mother would be so very proud of her. Tell her that you know that you can never take the place of her mother, but that you want her to call on you to let you know what you can do.

Women our age especially, as part of the wedding family/party, should dress in a dignified and elegant manner. That means that you should wear either a dressy skirted dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket, both of which would fall just below your knees. An elegant cocktail dress and pearls would suit the occasion.

If there is something special of her mother's, or your mother's, that you could give her, that would be an appropriate gift. Perhaps a piece of jewelry like a locket, brooch, hair ornament, or family heirloom that reminds you of her mother or that you think she would like would be perfect. It could even be a photo of her mum (with or without you in it) that you could give to her in a silver frame and would be something she could always have on display.

Alternatively or additionally, you could host a bridal luncheon or tea the day before the wedding. The bridal luncheon or tea is often held the day before. Having it the day of the wedding would be too chaotic for her, but having a ladies' lunch or tea hosted by you and perhaps your daughter(s) would be very sweet, as long as you don't require guests to bring or send a present, because you don't want to solicit another gift. At the bridal lunch or tea, there could be a bridal luncheon/tea cake with fun charms baked into the cake that have something to do with the bride's life: a tennis racket, dog, ice skate, skis, horse, surfboard, globe (if she likes to travel), diploma (if she is a scholar), book (if she likes to read), or high heeled shoe (if she is a fashionato), camera (if she likes to take photos), phone (if she's a addicted to her cellphone), dolphin (if she's a swimmer).

Wedding Etiquette: Baby + Wedding Shower Combined
Q My son is 24 and he is marrying his fiancee in September. They have a baby due in July. My question is: instead of having a baby shower and then having a wedding shower, could I combine the two, have one shower and the guest can choose to pick from a bridal registry or a wedding registry. I would like to have the shower at the end of May and many guests will be traveling 50 miles to attend. I need some outside advice. Thank you

A Sounds like an excellent solution to the problem. As long as you do not list the registries on the invitation, you are fine. Why not include a separate card with the couple's address and the registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachelor Party Etiquette
Q Who pays for the bachelor party?

A The purpose of the bachelor party is to get the groom, best man, and ushers together for a bit of camaraderie over dinner shortly before the wedding, at which time the groom gives his best man and ushers gifts. The best man and the ushers would then present the groom with a gift that they had bought collectively. Traditionally, the groom pays for the bachelor party as a thank you to his best man and ushers, but nowadays it is more apt to be a Dutch Treat dinner with everyone offering to pay his share of the bill. Of course, it might depend upon the circumstances of those attending. If, say, one of the ushers is in school and keeping up with his working friends is impossible, the other ushers or the groom might cover that man's share. It is the job of the best man to be sensitive to who can afford to pay what and which expenses might prove to be a hardship for any of the ushers. The answer is that everybody pays for the bachelor party who can afford to share in the cost.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachelorette Etiquette: Invitations
Q I am sending invitations for a bachelorette party and need RSVP's to confirm hotel rooms required. If I mail the invitations Friday, January 19th, how many days should I allow before RSVP deadline. 7, 14 days? The party is March 3rd. Also, how soon should you mail an invitation for a bachelorette party?

A You need at least five days for delivery of the invitation. Count a week for mail delivery and give her a week to make the decision. Since it is a bachelorette party, you can pick up the phone, email, or text message the guests. Bachelorette parties are all about getting and keeping the guests in sync. So: forget snail mail, be proactive.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachlorette Etiquette
Q I am my sister's maid of honor. I am planning a bachelorette party and I wanted to know if you have any good ideas of what to do for the party. If we go to dinner and to a club, does everyone pay for their own meals and drinks? Also, do you have any suggestions of fun ways to make the bride money? As the maid of honor, should I send invitations to the guests and are the guests supposed to bring gifts? If so, what kind of gifts?

A There are lots of different ways to celebrate a bachelorette party. The first thing to do might be to ask the bride what she might like to do. It is important to invite only women that the bride really likes. You might want to telephone or email the friends so that you can get a definite commitment as well as a consensus of what people might be willing to do. For instance, my daughter just returned from a bachlorette party where eleven of the bride's friends went to Miami for the weekend. All the women paid their own way and the bridesmaids had tee-shirts made up for each woman commemorating the bachlorette weekend. So: what guests contribute is what they can afford to pay. These young women stayed in a hotel on the beach, but you might borrow someone's beach house for the weekend. Alternatively, you might take the bride out for a nice dinner where collectively you treat the bride to dinner. Alternatively, you might organize a spa at home party. The "present issue" might be determined by how much the guest is asked to spend on the party. Why not check out your local bookstore for books written for bridesmaids that list the steps to making a bachlorette party a success and also have lots of party and game ideas. See if you can find "The Bridesmaid's Handbook: Savvy Advice, Sensational Showers and Secrets to Success," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books (which you can probably order online). Since I do not know the bride or anything about her lifestyle, it would be best if you found a general guidebook on bridesmaids with a chapter on bachlorette parties which would include a whole range of ideas in different price categories, as well as suggestions for games and gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Beau Only Invited
Q My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding. On the envelope it didn't include my name or "guest". We know the couple and they know he has a girlfriend. On the RSVP card it asks how many will be attending. Am I invited or not?

A If you had been invited, your name would have been on the envelope, and since the words "and guest" were not written after your boyfriend's name, he is invited solo. The RSVP card is printed for everyone, singles, couples, families, so that the invitees might give an accurate account for the caterer; it is not a carte blanche for guests to invite guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Man Can't Afford Airfare
Q My son was asked to be best man in his friend's upcoming wedding to take place in Cancun in Sept. Is my son responsible for all his travel expenses and accomodations? He is a senior in college and doesn't have the money. I find this tacky on the groom's part not to offer for at least the airfare!

A Your son needs to have a conversation with his friend, the groom, telling him that he is honored to be his best man but, as a college student, he can not afford the airfare. If the men are close friends, the groom will know your financial bracket and be sensitive to his dilemma. Often in weddings when a member of the family or bridal party cannot afford to pay the expenses, the bride or the groom's family will contribute. Remember, sir, there may be a time when your son is the groom and you are asked to pitch in. Perhaps you have airline miles to spare and you would be willing to use them towards your son's ticket. Your son needs to solve this problem quickly, if the groom has to find another best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Wishes + Congratulations
Q Is it inappropriate to wish a bride-to-be "Congratulations"? I have always heard that is should be, "Best Wishes", but don't know just why that is.

A Please do congratulate the bride. The whole congratulations vs. best wishes issue is dated---and sexist. Think about it. Why would you congratulate the groom on his great catch and say to the bride best wishes that you don't get ditched at the altar.

Wedding Etiquette: Bicoastal Wedding: Pleasing Everyone
Q We are from New England and my daughter now lives in San Diego where she met her fiance and would like to get married out there. The weather is perfect, it will be easier for them to pick their photographer, DJ, etc., also it is sentimental for them since they met there. The problem is that we have several friends and family in the New England area who will not be able to make it to California for the wedding. How do we handle the invitations? My daughter thinks we should invite them to let them be polite but let them know that no gift is needed. I do not think we should invite them since that is almost saying send a gift. Please help.

A In my opinion, your daughter is correct in wanting to include all of her old family friends by inviting them to her wedding. If they do not attend the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. They can send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note of congratulations. After the wedding trip, or whenever the newlyweds wend their way east to New England, even if it is a year from now, you can give a cocktail party in their honor. At that cocktail party, those who sent a gift, will be entertained and those who send an acknowledgment will be acknowledged.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Means Black Tie
Q My husband and I are invited to a "Black Tie" wedding. He prefers to wear a staight tie with his tuxedo. Is this acceptable?
Thank you for your advice!
Martine Braccia-Dimino

A Even though dress codes for formal wear have expanded to include non-tux evening clothes such as black or blue velvet dinner jackets worn with cowboy boots, if the invitation states "Black Tie," your husband would want to adhere to the dress code. Most men don't like to wear bow ties, but comfortable ones can be found that are already knotted and attached to a satin strip that hooks around under the shirt collar. When a specific dress code is stated, it is best to respect the wedding couple by dressing the part. When you think about it, a straight tie would look awkward. It would be a style-challenge with a black-on-black tuxedo. A button-down white shirt and straight tie would dress down even the most modern, classic, simple shape, single-breasted, black tuxedo jacket. The tuxedo shirt and jacket are designed to be worn with a bow tie. However, there are bow ties and there are bowties. Why not find a good one that is comfortable for your husband and tell him that he looks suave?

On the other hand, if it is a contemporary wedding taking place in, say, Los Angeles or New York, your husband might easily wear the preferred smart dark suit with a straight dark tie, or a dark velvet dinner jacket with a tuxedo shirt, satin-striped trousers, and no tie at all. So, yes, he can wear a straight tie but not with his tuxedo.

Explain to him that though in some circles today's tux is rarely black and white, the wedding dress code is all about the wedding couple. The tuxedo is still a uniform when it is the dress code to a traditional wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Wedding Mother of Groom's Role
Q Please explain Black Tie Wedding, also what should Mother of Groom wear and does color of gown affect her presence? What is proper etiquette for this type of wedding?

A Traditionally, a "Black Tie" wedding would begin from six o'clock on. The mother of the groom would wear a dinner suit or a short, three-quarter or floor-length evening dress of fabric fitting the climate or season. She might wear dressy, low slig-backs or pumps with a complementing evening bag. She might want to telephone the mother of the bride to ask her what she is wearing and about the color scheme of the wedding. Brides usually have a vision of how the wedding is set and asking her for advice, would be totally appropriate, too. If the invitation says "Black Tie," you can wear your best jewelry.

As for proper etiquette, as to what traditionally the mother of the groom's responsibilities are, aside from helping her son with the cost of the wedding trip and hostessing the rehearsal dinner the night before, she would stand in the receiving line between the bride's father and the groom's father, and she might give the customary mother of the groom toast to the couple after the mother of the bride has toasted the happy couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Bosses' Gift
Q How should a boss acknowledge an employee's wedding? He does not want to attend. Should he send a gift?



A The boss would send a gift from the employee's wedding registry. It is not so much about how much the boss spends on the gift as the fact that the boss went to the trouble to find out what the employee needs and wants. The store will then send a gift that the employee has chosen to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Boutonnieres
Q What side should a boutenniere be placed?

A Men wear boutonnieres on their left side lapel, which is the flap of the jacket that falls back against the breast.

Wedding Etiquette: Breaking the Engagement
Q What should be included in notes to return engagement gifts after a broken engagement?

A When the engagement is called off, the engagement presents are wrapped and sent back with a note of thanks that might say, "Thank you so very much for your beautiful, generous present."

It is customary, if you have time, to send a printed card to all those who were sent a Save the Date card or who attended the engagement party, which might also be used to return the engagement presents. Fill in your own information and center the lines on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
announce the marriage of their daughter
Jane Amanda
to
Mr. William Brown
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Alternatively, you might say in a personal note: "We have decided that the wedding should be called off," or "Both of us have decided that it was best to call off the wedding," or "We both equally agreed that the wedding should be called off," or "By mutual consent, we have agreed to break off our engagement." It does not matter who called off the engagement; it is a time for compassion and consideration for all, so: it is best, in writing and in talking, to use phrases such as: "both decided," "equally agreed," "mutual-ly agreed upon decision."

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Cathedral Veil
Q When is it ok to wear a cathedral length veil?

A When you have a very, very long train.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Veil
Q What type of veil is needed with a full wedding dress?

A The longer the train, the longer the veil. The train and veil need to be in equal proportion. As only you and the bridal shop know the length of your train, you need to ask them what length veil you need. If you want to ask the question again on my website, www.newportmanners.com, and include the length of your train, I would be happy to give you a more precise answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Gift From Maid of Honor
Q What is an appropriate gift to the bride from the maid of honor?


A Look up the bride's bridal registry through the wedding couple's wedding Web site or on the wedding channel to find something that she really wants, that you can afford, and have the gift sent to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Luncheon: Guest List: Daughters of Stepmother
Q My daughter and I are trying to decide whom to invite to the bridal luncheon. Do we stick to bridesmaids, mothers and grandmothers (of both bride and groom) OR venture out to aunts and their daughters? Also, groom's father remarried and I know we should invite stepmother, but do we need to include here 3 daughters?

A The bridal luncheon is such a lovely, gentle and elegant way for the women in the wedding party, close relatives and friends to have fun girl time. It should be light and uncomplicated. You do not need to invite the stepmother's three daughters if they aren't in the inner circle: wedding party, close friends and relatives. Inviting the stepmother is appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q Five years ago I was a bridesmaid in a college friend's wedding. We rarely talk these days. Now that I am getting married, am I obligated I have her in my bridal party?

A It is your wedding and you should have whomever you wish in your bridal party. Chances are your friend has new friends, too, and will understand that since you are no longer close friends, you are not obligated to have her in your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q My daughter wishes to have two bridesmaids (one being the Maid of Honor) while her fiance wishes to have only one attendant (Best Man). Is this proper etiquette? I guess I'm from the old school- I think it should be an even number.

A It is your daughter's wedding and she should have whomever she wishes in attendance. It really depends upon the size of the wedding and it certainly would not be incorrect if your daughter has a matron of honor and a maid of honor. She only needs one attendant but if she is having trouble deciding on one or the other, let her have two attendants.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q I just got engaged and we have asked selected people to be part of our bridal party. Should we follow up with an official invitation?

A You would reiterate the invitation to be part of the bridal party in conversation or through email. Often wedding couples set up their own wedding website to keep family and friends, including the bridal party in the loop about the wedding festivities, activities, itinerary, dress code, and it is often used as an easy way for guests to RSVP. As the wedding couple, you need to keep in close contact with your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Etiquette
Q Is is ok to have two maids of honor? And is it ok to have one matron of honor and two maid's of honor and some other bridesmaids?

A The maid of honor is your number one bridesmaid. There is no rule carved in stone saying that you have to have one, but you will spend months having to explain why there are two. Yes, you can have a matron of honor if you also have the maid of honor. The matron of honor is or has been married. The maid of honor has not and is not married.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Expenses
Q How much is too much for the bride to expect from the bridal party? Does the bridal party have to pay hotel expenses for themselves for an out-of-town wedding? How many nights should be expected from the bride for the out-of-town bridesmaids?

A When you invite someone to be a member of your bridal party, you are asking them for a huge commitment of their time and funds. If out-of-town guests cannot be put up by family friends, then you would block off a couple of rooms in a hotel near the site of the wedding for them. If a much beloved friend cannot afford to pay for her dress or airfare, you might put aside money in the wedding budget to cover such expenses whether they are for a bridesmaid or for the rental of the usher's suit or the groomsman's travel accommodations. Remember that when members of the bridal party are asked to give gifts for the engagement party, the shower, and the bachelorette party, the gifts tend to get greatly watered down, so don't be disappointed if after all these expenses that they don't send a wedding present. If you cannot find hosts to house your bridal party and they cannot afford the expense, you will have to pay for their hotel room the nights of the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Gifts
Q Who in the wedding party do you give gifts to?


A You might give gifts to your attendants as a thank-you for taking time out of their busy lives to help you celebrate your marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Member + Guest
Q Should a bridesmaid be extended the courtesy of bringing a guest to a wedding, if she is not engaged or married?

A Traditionally, the bridesmaids and ushers are kind of paired off, as they are in equal numbers. However, often there are married bridesmaids and ushers. A bridesmaid or an usher who is in a relationship, no matter how committed, should be allowed the option of bringing their special friend. After all, introducing a man to your close friends is an indication to him that he is worthy of the occasion and it is an opportunity to show him that he has been accepted.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party: Mother as Best Man
Q Would it be proper for a mother to be her son's best man, or is this position for men only?

A If the son wants his mother to be his best woman and she wants to comply, then why not. There are not rules as such carved in stone enforced by etiquette police. Yes, it is unconventional. Would I not recommend? No, because the emphasis is on the bride and groom; not about making waves. I am sure the mother of the groom can find other ways to help celebrate her son's marriage aside from hostessing the rehearsal dinner and giving the bride a wedding gift just for her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession
Q What is the proper order for the wedding procession?

A The groom along with the minister and his best man come from the side of the altar to await the procession in front of the altar. In pairs the ushers march up the aisle in step and stand on the right-hand side of the altar as you face it but facing the congregation next to the best man and the groom. If there are pages and/or a ring bearer, they would come next followed, if there is one, by a junior bridesmaid who would help keep the little guys on track. Then the flower girl(s) proceeds the bridesmaids walking sprightly in pairs up the aisle where they form the flank on the other side of the groom, mirroring the ushers but leaving three spaces open between them and the groom. Next, walking alone, the maid of honor is followed by the matron of honor, and then the bride walks up the aisle on her father's right arm.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession Symmetry
Q I am not sure, if you can help me. I am having a problem with my wedding. My fiance has two mothers. He has a step- mother, and he has his biological mother. His stepmother will be walking down the aisle with his father, but his biological mother does not have anyone to walk down the aisle with. We want her to walk with the parents down the aisle, but we do not know with whom she should walk. I have two fathers. I have a stepfather, who is walking me down the aisle. My biological father is only invited to the wedding. I was wondering what the wedding etiquette is regarding this issue. Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Audra DeLay


A The bride's biological father could walk the groom's biological mother down the aisle. Your wedding is not about them and they need to help you with the symmetry here. Alternatively, you might choose a little boy, a cousin or nephew, or son of the matron of honor, to walk the groom's mother down the aisle. The little boy will charm the audience and everyone will forget that the groom's mother has no one to walk her down the aisle.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Register for Second Wedding
Q Is it appropriate for a bride to register if it is her second marriage?

A Anyone attending your wedding will want to send you a token of their appreciation for having been invited to such a special occasion, so you need to register or you will get lots of stuff you don't need or want. Please read my answer to a similar quesstion by clicking on Frequently Asked Questions and going to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Registry
Q Hi Didi!
I have a question, and ironically I work for a bridal magazine but still do not have the answer! I am in a wedding and the bridal party is paying for the shower....$300 a piece for a brunch. A little background- I am 27 years old, own my own home, pay all my bills and I am not rich...so this to me is a lot of money for a couple hours of...well quite frankly boredom. We have already paid for the bachlorette party which ran me about $150...dress was $200 and alterations, well I'm waiting on that bill! How much am I now supposed to give her for the wedding gift? Is it completely inappropriate to give something very small? She is a good friend of mine, but I'm not so sure if the tables were turned she would be as generous. I hope you can shed some light!
Thank you!
- Audra

A As long as you send the wedding couple a gift from their bridal registry, it doesn't really matter how much you spend because you'll know that you sent them something they have chosen. It's a no-brainer. A wedding couple would rather have something that they really need and want from their bridal registry, than some random gift they don't like, even if it costs more money.

My best advice, for your already over-burdened situation, is to go to their bridal registry and find an item that fits your budget. Even if the item is filling out the half dozen hand towels asked for with the final two that are still needed. Or you send the last of the chosen dinner plates when one is still needed; the small whisk, when the medium and large whisks have already been purchased. Most wedding couples are going for sets of things, probably because they have so many mismatches from their college days and first apartments, which is why filling out a set of anything is a very useful and appreciated wedding present, no matter how inexpensive.

Audra, be assured that most brides know how expensive being a bridesmaid is because they have either been one, or they have heard stories from their friends. Checkout the bridal registry; after all that's precisely why the wedding couple bothered to register for presents.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Registry: Ribbon Only
Q What is meant by phrase Ribbon Only when it is at the of a bridal gift regestry?

A The phrase "Ribbon Only" means that the wedding couple would like you to make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Who is to be invited to the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is a fun girlie-girlie luncheon, tea, or supper where the bride's closest women relatives and friends shower her with lingerie, sex toys, luxury toiletries, and other accesories she might might like to take on her honeymoon or put in her trousseau.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to give a bridal shower?

A Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. There are two kinds of showers for the bride to be, one is an all women's shower given by close women friends and relatives to shower the bride with lingerie. The other is a coed cocktail party for the bride and groom that might have a kitchen theme. You need to talk to the bride and groom because one shower is sufficient to find out what they would like you to host.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower + Bachelor Party After the Wedding
Q My fiance and I recently got married. We are still having a renewal of our vows wedding in July 2012 with a reception. Is it okay to still have a bridal shower and bachelor party?

A I get a lot of complaints from relatives and friends of wedding couples who don't like it when there is a push for presents. It seems to them as though the wedding couple is just looking for ways to get more presents. You don't want to be made fun of by friends and family. A shower takes place before the wedding and the bachelor party is to celebrate the end of bachelorhood. You are already married. Your husband is no longer a bachelor. Wouldn't it be in better taste to just have the renewal of your wedding vows in July with a wonderful reception afterwards. That way you will get one really nice present from guests instead lots of less expensive presents. Think of it this way, then you'll only have to write one thank-you note per gift.

The exception would be if, say, one of you were enlisted and deployed overseas making it impossible to celebrate your wedding when you first got married, but even then it would be awkward having a shower and bachelor party when you're already married, but you could get away with it.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower + Rehearsal Dinner
Q When planning a rehearsal dinner, isn't it proper to invite all out-of-town guests, not just the bridal party and immediate family?

Secondly, isn't it proper that the bride's family (meaning sister and mother) should make the shower for the bride, and, if the groom's mother desires, isn't it up to her to say she would like to, but not a necessity?

A First, the purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to feed the wedding party, who have just come from the rehearsal, close family, and out-of-town guests, because it is good to connect them all before the wedding.

Second, actually it is the bridesmaids who organize, but not necessarily, pay for the party for the bride's close women friends, relatives and co-workers, who shower the bride with girlie-girlie niceties. Anyone can host the shower; however, the bridesmaids probably should set the pace.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Cash Gifts
Q How do you write on a bridal shower invitation that the bride would prefer cash instead of gifts at the bridal shower?

A Traditionally a bridal shower is a girlie-girlie party either a luncheon, tea, or supper at which her closest women relatives and friends shower her with gifts just for her of sexy lingerie and other accessories for her trousseau and honeymoon. It is about having fun and not about hoarding the cash. Brides need to keep in mind that the more gifts that are required from their friends, the less expensive those presents will be worth.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Dispute
Q I am a bride to be I have told my attendants when and where I want my bridal shower. My future mother-in-law cannot make it on that date and has decided to give a different shower before my shower that I planned. She refused to give up her trip that she planned over a year ago and paid the tickets for her trip. I think she is unreasonable. Am I correct?

A It is perfectly acceptable to have two bridal showers dividing the events between the older and the younger women guests. Why not cut your future mother-in-law a little slack because she is becoming a part of your family and you might want to start your relationship out on a happy note. Let her have her shower her way and you can still have your shower your way. Bridal showers are supposed to be fun for everyone.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette
Q I am planning a bridal shower and I need some suggestions for door prizes to hand out and games that can be played during the shower? Any suggestions?

A As I do not know your budget or the bride's interests, why not look through a recently published guidebook for bridesmaids, for instance "The Bridesmaid's Handbook," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books has lots of ideas for bridal showers, door prizes, and games.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invitation Hostesses
Q Is it proper for a wedding shower invitation to list the names of the people giving the shower (as hostesses)? All involved are friends of the bride's mother.

A It is helpful to know who would be thanked for the wedding shower and to whom you would introduce yourself, so I would put the names on the invitation, or at the very least list them under the RSVP along with their phone numbers. However, as you probably know, you would not list the bride's mother because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family; that is the job of the bride's mother's friends. So: do list the names of the hostesses.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Second Marriage
Q Is a bridal shower appropriate for a second marriage?

A Yes, if a certain amount of time has passed since the first marriage, it is totally appropriate for women friends and relatives of the bride to give her a small luncheon, brunch or tea and present her with, say, lingerie, soaps and bath oils, sachets, and other feminine niceties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: The Mothers' Relationship
Q Is it inconsiderate for the mother of the bride to book a date for the bridal shower and not ask the mother of the groom if she would be available, especially if she lives eight hours away?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride wouldn't be hosting the bridal shower. She wouldn't be soliciting gifts for her daughter. It is up to close friends or even a cousin or aunt to host the bridal shower. Let's move on from the damage that has been done. I only pointed this out so that you would see that this wedding is not going to be following traditional etiquette.

That's OK. I just don't want your expectations to be too high. The mother of the bride runs the show, everyone follows her lead. At least that what she thinks. If she doesn't adhere to traditional etiquette, there is nothing that can be done about it. People come from different backgrounds. It is possible that she assumed that the groom's mother wouldn't be able to attend the shower because of the great distance and expense and, therefore, she didn't think to consult her about the date.

Yes, it was inconsiderate of the mother of the bride not to consult with the mother of the groom over the date for the shower, but there is nothing that can be done at this point. She might be pleasantly surprised if the mother of the groom attends and then she might try to make it up to her in some way. The mothers might even become great friends.

The mother of the groom could even consult with the mother of the bride about her outfit for the wedding asking her to email a photo of her outfit so that the two mothers are dressed in a similar fashion--but not too similar. If she involves her in what she is wearing and asks about what the bride's mother is wearing, they will have something new to bond over and discuss. Hopefully, through these conversations, a life-long friendship will evolve.

Let go of the business about the shower date and focus on how to befriend your son's mother-in-law. Eventually, you will be sharing many holidays, grandparents' days at school, graduations, and other family events for years to come. It is best to get off to a good start and move towards forging a friendship with your son's mother-in-law.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Who Hosts the Shower?
Q Who, typically, hosts the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is hosed by the bridesmaids. Often the maid or matron of honor will take the lead and organize the event, or work with the group as a whole on choosing a date, place, time and theme for the shower. If, say, the maid or matron of honor lives on a different coast, is still in school or has a new baby, another bridesmaid would take over the lead. Nowadays, all the bridesmaids share in the organizing and the cost of the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for 4th Wedding
Q Do you have a bridal shower for someones fourth wedding?

A It would be up to the bride. If a few close women friend's and relatives of the bride would like to shower her with girlie-girlie gifts of lingerie and sex toys, the women should give her a small shower. Would it be appropriate to throw a huge bash, I wouldn't think so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for Second Marriage
Q My daughter is getting married for the second time in Puerto Rico. It is his first marriage. They have been together 4 yrs. with 2 children (she has 4 total). Is it proper to give her a bridal shower? Since there is a reception in Puerto Rico, am I obligated to have something here?

A You can give her a bridal shower before the wedding, but traditionally family does not solicit gifts for family. It would be better if the shower were given by a friend. You can host, say, a cocktail party for the newlyweds upon their return from their destination wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for Small Wedding
Q A very good friend of mine is getting married in 3 months. She is having a very informal wedding, no traditional wedding gown, no bridesmaids, no best man/maiden of honor, no dinner reception, just cake/punch following the ceremony. Her sisters want to give a wedding shower; I know my friends and family will not want to give presents if they aren't invited to a dinner/reception. What is proper, no shower? Thank you.

A There is no reason why the close women friends and relatives can't give your friend an all women bridal shower with a lingerie theme, but be sure to invite only those who have been invited to the wedding. Alternatively, her close friends and family might host a coed shower in honor of the bride and groom with a kitchen theme.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What is the appropriate bridal shower gift from a bridesmaid?

A The bride knows you will have incurred many expenses to help her celebrate her marriage so the shower gift might not be necessarily costly but it does have to be personal. Traditionally, the bridesmaids shower the bride with girlie-girlie luxuries that we do not often buy for ourselves. For instance, lingerie, lingerie satin bags, sachets, cosmetic bag, toiletry bags with her monogram, antique linen hand-towels embroidered with the first letter of her new last name, Jo Malone bath and body oils and lotions (Nutmeg & Ginger or Roses), scented French candles, soaps and room sprays from Fresh or diptque (Baies or Feuille de Lavande), soothing or frisky CDs (Alicia Keys, Tony Braxton, U2, Macy Gray. Michael Buble) a novel or mystery to read on the wedding trip, a fountain pen to write all those thank-you notes, a Hanro T-shirt, Moulton Brown massage oil, and adult toys, such as a small vibrator to massage the back of his neck.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What should the mother of the groom buy for the bride's gift at her bridal shower and how much is proper to spend? My Mom does not want to look cheap nor does she want to be too extravagant. Thanks!

A If the bride has a bridal registry, why not have your mom choose something that your mom likes from the registry? Traditionally, the groom's mother and grandmother give the bride, say, a piece of heirloom jewelry, perhaps a brooch that has been in the family. If the bride appreciates antiques, your mother could give her, say, a silver dressing table hair brush, comb and mirror set, a small enamel clock, decorative picture frame, or crystal perfume bottle. Whatever the heirloom, it would be something especially from the family to her, as opposed to being, say, her fiance's great grandfather's silver snuff box. However, even though it is for her, it could have his family monogram on it. If antiques are not an option, why not go online and look at the Scully & Scully catalogue, www.scully&scully.com, to view the small enamel boxes commemorating the year that she marries your son. The traditional wedding gifts from the groom's mother are, once again, heirloom jewelry, and also fine linens. It is not so much about the cost of the gift, as it is about being slightly personal but not overly familiar, which is why a brooch, small monogrammed family silver, and exquisite porcelain are so special, and yet not for every bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift Certificates
Q My daughter lives on the West Coast. I am throwing a bridal shower for her on the East Coast. Is it tacky to write on the invitations to please, as a gift, give only gift certificates so we don't have to ship stuff? Thank you.

A No, it would not be tacky, but it might be more personal if you told the guests on the phone when they called to RSVP the situation. Perhaps you might suggest to your daughter that she should register on the Internet wedding channel, then the stores will have the shipping address on her registry.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gifts
Q If you give a gift at the bridal shower, do you still have to give a gift for the wedding? What is appropriate? Two gifts ?

A You would give a gift for each event you attend, except the bridal luncheon. In my opinion, in your case you would either give two small gifts, one for each event, or one really nice gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guest List
Q Should we invite all the women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower?

A No, you do not need to invite all women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower. Ask only the women who the bride really likes and feels comfortable with; it is her special shower and she should be surrounded only by the people with whom she truly enjoys spending time. It might be best to show her the guest list and let her eliminate anyone whom she would not be thrilled to see at her shower and anyone that makes her uptight. Sometimes we have to invite people who are not really fond of to our wedding because they are either part of our extended family or are married to someone we really do like so: the shower is an opportunity to invite only those women the bride is genuinely fond of and wants to have with her at this special time.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guest List: Children
Q My daughter is getting married and would like her very mature ten-year-old niece to be included in a bridal shower her fiance's grandmother is hosting. The grandmother thinks the niece is too young. What are the "rules" for such a situation?

A If the grandmother is serving alcohol at the shower, she is correct in not inviting the ten-year-old. If the ten-year-old would be the only child at the party, the grandmother is correct in not inviting her. There are no "rules" carved in stone. Different people are brought up with different values and different ideas of manners. When we marry into other families, their "rules" are apt to be different and everyone must learn to compromise. Good etiquette is about consideration, compromise and compassion. In consideration of the grandmother, who is hosting the bridal shower, you would bow to her hostess code. Remember that nothing is more detrimental to family relationships than criticism, so: relationships would be best served by supporting the hostess. Perhaps a babysitter could be hired to take the ten-year-old and a friend out for pizza and a movie, where, no doubt, she would probably have more fun anyway.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guests
Q Is it appropriate to invite friends of the groom's mother to the bride's kitchen shower if those friends were not invited to the wedding? The wedding invitations have all gone out, and none was received. So, there is no question as to whether the friends were invited to the wedding.

A Traditionally the purpose of the bridal shower is for close women relatives and friends to shower the bride with the personal things she will need in her married life. It is considered an intimate gathering of the bride's circle of women who are either part of the bridal party or who will be participating in the festivities of her wedding. A person who is not invited to the wedding may expect to be invited to the wedding after the bridal shower, so the groom's mother would need to make it abundantly clear to those who won't be wedding guests that a wedding invitation will not be forthcoming so there won't be hurt feelings. However, if the groom's mother was holding the shower in a different town from where the wedding is taking place, it would be appropriate for her to introduce her new daughter-in-law to her friends and their daughters. If the groom's mother and the bride live in the same town, perhaps the mother-in-law could find another way to introduce her circle of friends to the bride's circle of friends after the wedding by hosting a tea or lunch. At the end of the day, ask the bride because it really is her decision and the bridal shower should be all about her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Hostesss
Q Is it bad etiquette for the mother of the bride to have a bridal shower for her?

A The bridal shower traditionally is given by a close female friend or relative, but never by the mother or a sister of the bride. However, if none of her friends can afford to host a shower, the mother might offer to pay for the shower but her name would not appear on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Invitations
Q How long before a bridal shower are you suppose to send the invitations.
Thanks, Mother of the Bride

A Try to send the invitations out six weeks before the event, especially if the wedding is taking place on a Saturday.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower or Engagement Party
Q Is it okay to have a big bridal shower inviting friends, co-workers, and family if you are having a small wedding with just family and close friends? So can you invite people to the shower that you're not inviting to the wedding?

A I am not sure how to answer your query because I don't think that hosting a bridal shower will solve your problem. Bridal showers are usualy girlie-girlie parties where your female relatives and girlfriends eat tea sandwiches and watch the bride-to-be unwrap naughty lingerie and sex toys. The men folk are sometimes invited to come at the end for a drink and pickup their ladies.

People invited to a bridal shower, like the people above, are invited to your wedding. They are showering the bride with gifts for her "wedding night." Also, the bride does not give a bridal shower for herself.

Might I suggest that you host an engagement party to which you can include people who are not invited to the wedding. During the party you and your partner can spread the word about the fact that you are having a very small wedding, which is why you are having this party now. If the timing isn't right for an engagement party, you could call it a wedding shower. Another trend picking up momentum is for the bride and groom to host a big party the night before a very small wedding in lieu of a rehearsal dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Without Bride
Q My mother-in-law is giving a bridal shower for my future sister-in-law. I feel uncomfortable about attending for several reasons. One) The bride lives out of state and the wedding is out of state. The bride won't be at the shower. 2) The family and friends that my mother-in-law is inviting don't know the bride and not invited to the wedding. 3) Am I bitter because I wasn't given a shower 10 years ago when I married her older son? I really love my mother-in-law but don't know how to tell her this is not proper etiquette or is it just me? I just feel funny about it but I know she has the best of intentions for the couple - as I love them too. It's hard to know what to do since they live out of state. Help!

A Excuse me, but you need the bride's presence in order to have a bridal shower. The origin of a bridal shower is the showering of gifts on to the bride. Otherwise, it just looks like a booty call and her friends will see through her deviousness. Her intentions may be good, however, as presented, it is hard to believe. Perhaps you might give her an alternative suggestion: encourage your mother in law to wait until the newly weds come to town, at which time she can host a cocktail party, cookout, or cocktail buffet for her son and his bride. We don't want your mother in law to make a fool of herself, unfortunately older people don't always stop to think about what they are doing, so we need to cut them some slack and watch their back. It's a juggle but someone has to stop her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Aunt as Hostess
Q My nephew is getting married this year. Is it proper for me to have a bridal shower for his fiancee?

A Traditionally, family doesn't solicit presents for family. However, anything goes these days, so if you want to give a shower to get the wedding couple more presents, then by all means do so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Guest List
Q If a male is invited to the wedding and he is dating, do you invite his date to the bridal shower?

A You would only invite the friend's date to the bridal shower, if you feel that she is a possible, potential longtime friend. You are not obligated to invite her. The invitation list is at the discretion of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Invitation: Who Hosts
Q I am doing bridal shower invitations and the bride's mother is giving it but has asked a family member to host the event at their home. How would I go about wording that?

"At the home of Blank
Address

Hosted by bride's mother name
RSVP by"

A Traditionally, the bride's mother wouldn't be hosting the bridal shower because it would seem as though they were pushing for more presents. That is why, traditionally, a few of the bridesmaids will get together to host the shower. However, it is perfectly acceptable for the mother of the bride to pay the expenses of the shower behind the scenes but the bride's mother's name would never be on the invitation.

As I said, customarily a bridal shower is hosted by the bride's best friends and sisters, not by her mother. People are appalled by the push for presents, which is really interesting because it just goes to show that tradition works.

Let the mother pay the bills, but have the invitation be from the maid-of-honor and the matron of honor or any of the other bridesmaids. Let the bride's closest friends and sisters do the inviting. Not the mother.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Who Hosts
Q In our case, the groom's grandmother very much wants to give the bride a shower (the bride lives in another state, so our people will not be able to attend a shower there). Is it reasonable or appropriate for her to do so, and if so, can it be held at the groom's parents home? (Grandma lives with them) or should she try to get a friend to hostess?

A Because a bridal shower is a push for presents, family wouldn't solicit gifts for a family member, or a soon-to-be family member. It would be better to have a friend host the shower. However, there is absolutely no reason why the groom's grandmother can't support the shower by, say, paying for the caterer, the food, or favors. It's just best that she contributes from behind the scenes.

On the other hand, as the bride's family won't be in attendance, there is no real good reason why the grandmother cannot host a bridal shower at the groom's parents' house, if there is no other alternative.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Gift Etiquette If You Don't Attend
Q If I don't attend a bridal shower, do I get the bride a gift anyway?

A If you do not attend the bridal shower, you are not expected to give a gift; however, most people do. An invitation is a social bid that needs to be responded to in order to sustain the relationship. If you do not send a gift, then at least send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note to the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Thank-You to Co-workers
Q My co-workers threw a bridal shower for me at work and gave me a very generous monetary gift. The card has a slip of paper with all the names of who contributed toward the gift. Do I send 1 thank you or individual thank-you cards to each person?

A If the card was signed by six people or less, you might send a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note to each of them individually making the notes slightly different by changing an adjective or two. If the card was signed by more than six people, you might write one letter addressed to each of the names and send copies to all, but hand sign your name and perhaps, write under your signature something like, "Many thanks, Gloria!"

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower?
Q Hi, I have a friend who is getting married. She is older and wants to plan the wedding quickly...July. She seems to think that she can have a wedding shower after the wedding. Is this proper? Can you do this without offending somebody? What do you think?
Thank you for your time.


A If your friend is getting married in July, it would be better if she had an engagement party as soon as possible now, or wait until the Spring to have a bridal shower, which would only include her girlfriends, female relatives and coworkers. To read my answer to a similar question, please go to my website at www.newportmanners.com, click on Frequently Asked Questions, and scroll down to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Table Seating
Q Where do the bride and the groom sit at the head table - when you face the table.

A When the bride and groom are to sit at the center of a one-sided rectangular table facing their guests, seated side by side, the bride is seated on the right of the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Tea Party Gift
Q What is an appropriate gift for a bridal tea party?

A The appropriate gift for a bridal tea party sounds as if it should be terrifically elegant. How fun, this might be an old-fashioned girlie-girlie party for the bride at which time she will be showered by those little luxuries we don't buy for ourselves; they might include lingerie, satin bags for lingerie, sachets, designer bath oils and lotions, for instance anything from Jo Malone, fresh cosmetic bags and bags for toiletries---with monogram is the trend right now---and French room sprays, candles, and soaps from either diptyque or Fresh. Keep it light, fresh, and fun.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Versus Wedding Present
Q I gave a bridal gift to the bride. Do I also have to give a wedding gift, too?

A The bridal gift traditionally is a present selected for the bride's personal use and a wedding present is a gift selected for use by both the bride and the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal/Baby Shower
Q Okay - so my husband's friend is engaged to be married and his bride-to-be finds out that she is 5 months pregnant and the wedding is 2 months away. A group of us just received an invitation for a bridal/baby shower and have the following question: does this mean that we should get two gifts - one baby and one bridal - or will one do? Thank you!

A No, you do not need to give two gifts for one shower. Chose a gift for the bride as a person and forget the complicated situation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Host
Q How to word wedding invitations when bride is paying for reception, groom is paying for rehearsal party?

A It doesn't matter who pays. What matters is who is giving the bride away in marriage. If the bride does not have parents or she is estranged from them, then the invitation could be from both the bride and the groom. The rehearsal dinner would then be given by both of them, too, no matter who pays.

The wedding invitation might read (substitute your own information and center the lines on the page):

Amanda Charlotte Winslow
and
George Brown Nelson
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

The rehearsal dinner would read:

Amanda Winslow and Geoge Nelson
cordially invite you to
their Rehearsal Dinner
Friday, May tenth
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl Restaurant

RSVP 000-0000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Write Thank-Yous
Q A bridal shower is given to the couple, the bride-to-be refuses to send thank-you notes because the attendees of the shower are primarily the groom's family and friends. Is it the groom's responsibility to send thank-you notes?


A Nowadays the bride and groom share the responsibility of writing the thank-you notes. It is hard to write thank-you notes to people you don't know, so perhaps the solution is to have the groom write the notes to his family friends and the bride to hers.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Dress Code: Black Wedding Dress
Q Is it ever appropriate for a bride to wear black? This is the second marriage and the bride is 56 years old. Thank you

A An elegantly chic friend was married in beige and then for the reception changed into a black dress. There is no rule carved in stone that says you cannot wear black. It was not until Queen Victoria first wore a white wedding dress that it became a trend, which you certainly do not have to follow. If you feel comfortable in black and your fiance does not mind, then wear black. Chinese brides wear red.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Escorted by Father and Stepfather
Q When a bride gets married, her parents are divorced, and there is a stepfather, who escorts the bride so neither the father or stepfather are hurt?

A Customarily, the father escorts his daughter up the aisle. However, these days just about anything goes, so talk to your clergyman and ask him if he might allow you to have both your father and stepfather walk you up the aisle, one on either side.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Helps Mother of the Groom Select Her Dress
Q Is it appropriate for the bride to select and suggest the dress that the mother of the groom is to wear to the wedding?

A You might want to make it a joint shopping trip to assure that the mother of the groom is comfortable in the dress that the bride approves of, and that the color and style of the dress fits in with the bride and groom's vision of how they wish the family to look in the wedding photos.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride is Meddling With Shower
Q I am the sister of the bride and maid of honor. A friend of ours, groom's mom and myself are giving her a wedding shower with the three of us co-hosting. The bride is insisting on approving of our invitations, wording on invitations, and final approval of almost everything. What should we do?

A You need to remember that this is your sister's wedding and she is acting out her dream of how things should be. Cut your sister some slack and let her do whatever she wants to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Cash Gifts
Q How do you ask guests to give only monetary gifts, tactfully? We want to provide a money tree, box, etc. Already have my own household and don't need the normal gifts.

A Accompanying your wedding invitation you might include a small a card stating that "In lieu of a bridal registry, a small check would be greatly appreciated." You want checks because in the flurry of activity it is all too easy for money to disappear. Plus, with a check, if you lose the card at least you have the guest's name on their check so you know who to thank.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Daughters to Give Her Away
Q My father is deceased, would it be ok to have my 2 girls walk me down the aisle?

A It would depend upon whether or not you were married before because a bride can only be given away once in a bridal ceremony and you have not made this clear. If this is your second wedding, you cannot be given away again. Your two daughters could accompany you up the aisle, but they would not be able to give you away because you have already been given away. You cannot be given away more than once. If you have not been given away in a bridal ceremony previously, and you wanted to follow tradition, a male member of your family, your godfather, or a close male friend, would step in for your deceased father to give you away.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Mother to Wear Bridesmaids' Color
Q My daughter is requesting that I wear a suit to the church ceremony that is the same color of her bridemaids. Is this appropriate?

A Let's assume that your daughter is suggesting that you wear a well-cut dressy dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket, which is quite appropriate for the mother of the bride to wear at her daughter's wedding. Brides and grooms usually have a color scheme and a vision of how they want everyone to look in the wedding pictures, so why not do as she suggests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Out After Two Months
Q Our daughter thinks she wants out of the marriage of just two months. What do we do?


A What you, your daughter, and her husband have to be aware of is the fact that many newlyweds suffer from depression just after their wedding. It is commonly called post-wedding depression. One or the other might feel that they have made a terrible mistake. The depression comes on after the excitement of the wedding has subsided. When all the planning, attention, and events that focused around the wedding couple come to a hault, then all of a sudden they face the reality that it is just the two of them. One or the other, or both, might be wondering: "Is this it?"

Try persuading your daughter and her husband into therapy. If there was fire there once, it might be able to be reignited. Reassure your daughter that it is quite common to have these feelings at this point.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wears Sister's Dress
Q Wearing my sister's wedding dress for my wedding? Proper or not???

A You are the bride and you can wear whatever wedding dress you wish. If your sister's wedding dress is a comfortable fit, by all means wear it. If it is not a comfortable fit, you might want to have it altered.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Children Questions Last Name Usage
Q I am getting remarried. I have two children. I want my married last name to be my new husband's, but I am concerned not to have my children's name at all in my name. Is it proper to keep my children's last name (which is my current last name) as my middle name and then my new husband's last name? Is that inconsiderate to my new husband? Are there any rules anywhere on this?

A I am terribly sorry, but you are not going to like my answer. The only proper way you can hold on to your ex-husband's last name is not to change your last name when you remarry. Since you told me that you want to use your new husband's last name, that is not the solution you are looking for. Another solution would be to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's last name. However, I think that sends the wrong signal to your new husband.

You can do whatever you want---there is no etiquette police who enforce laws carved in stone. Therefore, if you want to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's name, you are certainly free to do so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Two Escorts: Father and Ex-Wife's Boyfriend
Q Is is not proper forthe father of the bride to walk his daughter down the aisle? My ex-wife wants her live-in boyfriend of 12 years to walk my daughter down the aisle also with me. What do you think?

A Nowadays, I am afraid anything goes. Since there are no etiquette police to enforce the rules, people pretty much do what they want to do. The wedding is all about the bride and the groom. If the bride wants to be walked up the aisle by you and her mother's boyfriend, then that is her pregorative. Communicate directly with your daughter and ask her what she wants. Tell her you will do whatever she wants you to do but that you want to hear it from her. Tell her that no matter what she finally decides, you want the honor of dancing with her before he does because she will always be your baby girl.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride: Fiancee Wants a Reception + Fiance wants to go to Las Vegas
Q I'm the fiancee and I have been talking about our wedding. He doesn't want a big wedding. He wants it to be about us and what marriage means. He sort of wants to just go to Vegas and get married but I don't want that. I do however just want a small wedding just with our immediate family like my parents, sisters,and his dad, then just invite our friends and the rest of my family to the evening part of it to help celebrate it. How do you just word the invites? Is this tacky just to want it just to be family and how do I get it through to my fiance that I want the wedding and white dress but not huge extravagant wedding but just a ceremony where its just our families or just even having like 20 people at the ceremony which would include very close friends people who support us and love us, and just invite the rest to the dance and reception part of it. My family and friends live like 5 hours away so I don't know if they would even come just to the reception and dance part of it if they're not invited to the wedding. How would I do this?

A Marriage is largely about compromise. Your wedding will be all about compromise and who pays for what or gets to do this or that. If you and your family are happy about springing for the cost of a dance and reception, he shouldn't have any qualms about it. On the other hand, if you're asking him to pay for the wedding, then he'll need a full say in the venue. A compromise would be if he's all set to pay for the wedding in LV, and uses that money to pay for half of the cost of a dance and reception wedding. Unless, of course, you're willing to pay more than your share.

If your fiance just doesn't want anything to do with a dance and reception, then that's another matter. He may have been there and done that once before, and doesn't want to get married that way again.

It sounds as though you and your fiance need to sit down with a pad of paper and pen and figure out what specifically you agree on and what you don't agree on. Make two lists and then compare your two lists. One list would be all the reasons why you want a dance and reception following the ceremony, and the other list would be all the reasons why you don't want to be married in LV. His lists, of course, would be why he doesn't want a dance and reception, and why he wants to go to LV. Then compare your lists. You might find that more of your answers are alike than you imagined. Also, it will give you a chance to look for clues as to why he is so dead set against it. He might be working very hard and not willing to put in all the effort that goes into putting together a dance and reception. Or he might rather spend the money for a down payment on a house. Alternatively, you might find out that he would not be opposed to a smaller size reception and he would give up the idea of LV, if you would commit to a smaller reception. But I have to tell you, he's got to be totally on board about the reception, what ever size you choose, or a lot of drama will ensue.

You are the fiancee and you and your fiance should use this decision making process as an exercise in problem solving, because it will serve you well in the future to have developed this skill. You will need to be able to compromise in order to make decisions that give you both a lifetime of happiness.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Parents Pay for Their Guests
Q Our daughter is getting married. Is it okay for the groom's parents to pay for their invited guests' meals at the reception? We will be taking care of everything else. Our son is getting married four weeks before. HELP !!!

A Goodness gracious you certainly have a lot going on and a lot of expenses at this point in time. I am sure if you talked to your daughter and future son-in-law about the situation, they would be able to give you some insight as to whether or not his parents could afford to contribute to the wedding. Since money is always a sensitive topic, they would probably rather have the discussion with their son first. Work out the details ahead of time of exactly which parents are paying for what; one parent should be in charge of paying the bills and then in this case, the bridegroom's parents would pay you for the cost of their guests' meals. Don't be embarrassed by the situation. Many families have the same dilemma.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Responsibility
Q What are the responsibilities of the parents of the groom?

A The groom (or his family) is responsible for the following:

The groom needs to sit down with his future bride and future in-laws to discuss the wedding plans and specifically who will be responsible for what. One person should be designated treasurer in charge of all the expenses. The bride and groom with their parents then figure out who pays for what. (Go to the top of the page and click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Weddings for more information.)

The organization and the expense of the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

The groom chooses a best man to watch his back throughout the entire planning and process of the wedding.

Buying the marriage license and the wedding bands, which should be done with the future bride.

The groom offers to pay the clerical fees for the ceremony, although usually the bride's family will see to it that they are paid because they have reserved the use of the ceremony space.

The groom entrusts the wedding bands to his best man before the wedding.

The groom handles everything to do with the honeymoon, the planning, the reservations, the quality of the accommodations, the total expense of the entire wedding trip, the assemblage of the luggage, and the transportation from the wedding reception. He needs to make sure both passports are up-to-date and that he and his bride both have two forms of photo identification.

Additionally, if the bridegroom is a traditional romantic, he will pay for the cost of his bride's wedding bouquet and the boutonnieres for his ushers or groomsmen.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridemaids' Luncheon
Q Is a gift for the bride expected at a bridesmaid's luncheon?

A A gift is expected at the shower because at showers, the bride is showered with small personal gifts. Guests at the bridemaids' lunch do not bring gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Entrance
Q I am getting married in two weeks & we have yet to figure out which arm I take of my father's (the left or right), who's on what side of the aisle and which side does the groom's family sit & the bride's family sits.

A The bridegroom's family is seated on the right-hand side with his friends seated behind them. The bride's family and friends are on the left. The bride's mother is seated in the first pew and she is the last person to take her seat. Her arrival ten minutes ahead of the bride is the signal that the ceremony is about to start. She can be accompanied by a member of her family and together they are escorted to their seats by the head usher. She leaves a space for her husband who joins her after he has given away the bride. The bridesmaids and pages gather near the door to the church with the maid of honor five minutes before the bride arrives. The bride arrives with her father and they pose for photos. The maid of honor helps her adjust her veil and dress. The signal is given and the organist begins to play the entrance music. The groom and his best man take their positions at the altar. The bride's father steps out with his daughter on his right arm and they slowly proceed up the aisle to the nave of the church followed by the bridesmaids in pairs. The father and the bride stand to the left of the groom and she drops her arm from her father's. At the altar the order is: bride's father, bride, groom, and best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Family Thanking Groom's Parents for Rehearsal Dinner.
Q As the parents of the bride, are we, and the bride, obligated to send a thank you note to the parents of the groom who had a rehearsal dinner for friends and relatives of the newlyweds, and, if so, how soon after the wedding? Or is it optional for us to send?

A Sending a thank-you note is always a lovely thing do. You do not have to because if you've hosted the wedding, then you've done your fair share and they've done theirs. You're making me feel guilty because I didn't send our son-in-law's father an actual thank-you note. However, we did thank him in person and we made sure he had a lovely time at the wedding. In retrospect, I should have sent him a thank-you note. However, we did send the groom's parents separately nicely framed photos of the wedding couple at Christmas as our thank-you. Since they were long-time divorced, the groom's mother hosted the post-wedding brunch.

All weddings are different, if it feels right to send a heartfelt note of appreciation, then by all means write it.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Present
Q I was divorced approximately 4 years ago after a 28 year marriage. We have two children (girl 28, boy 23). My daughter is getting married in early June. I insisted (with my ex-wife) that I pay for half of the cost for my daughter's wedding. Since I made this committment, I have become unemployed. The vast majority of the invited guests have been invited by my ex-wife (out of 140 people I invited less than 20 people). Is it necessary, for me to give my daughter a gift, considering that I am paying for half of the wedding?
Thank You.

A It is not necessary for you to give your daughter and her groom a wedding gift, but you might, say, offer to give them airline miles for their wedding trip. Or you might offer to pay for your daughter's bridal bouquet. As you know, the quality of a gift is not necessarily based on the grandeur of the gift, as much as the necessity of the gift. It is the generosity of spirit that is important. No doubt, you will be giving a toast to the wedding couple at the reception. So there are many subtle ways that you as a father can step in to be helpful and show generosity of spirit.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Toast
Q When at a wedding, at what time does the bride's father give a welcome and thank you speech to the guests?

A Traditionally, the best man is the master of ceremonies. He organizes the toasts several weeks ahead of time and at the wedding reception he starts off the round of toasts by toasting the bride, then the groom toasts the bride, the bride toasts the groom, and then the father of the bride toasts the wedding couple.

After the best man has made the first toast, he signals to each person in the wedding party whom he knows wants to make a toast, when it is their turn. Customarily, it is done this way because otherwise there might be chaos with two people at different sides of the room, say, getting up to toast at the same time, or there might be four toasts to the bride and none to the groom. So: you would confirm your plan to make a toast to the wedding couple with the best man and wait for him to signal you to take the floor shortly after your daughter has made her toast. Don't forget, wedding toasts are no longer than three minutes each.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Gift To Groom
Q Is it customary for a bride to purchase a wedding gift for the groom? And what would be an appropriate gift?

A Traditionally, after the groom gives the bride an engagement ring, the bride reciprocates by giving the groom something personal that she knows he would like or that he needs. For instance, the bride might give the groom cuff links, studs for his tuxedo shirt, a watch, a photograph of herself in a handsome frame, or a camera to be taken on their wedding trip.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Mother + Wedding Shower
Q Can a mother of the bride help with the wedding shower?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride does not solicit presents for the wedding couple. However, the mother of the bride can have someone else host the wedding shower for her and she can organize and pay for the shower behind the scene, if she wishes to do so. The bride's mother's name would not be on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Name First
Q Which name goes first when referring to the bride and groom, like on napkins or if doing a reading in church?

A The bride's name would appear first on a napkin or in a church reading.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Bickering
Q My boyfriend's daughter is getting married. I am not invited to the wedding even though I was not the cause of his divorce; he separated 4 yrs. ago and we will have been dating for a year and have plans to marry next year. He says it would be awkward. I have altered the girl's wedding dress for her and sewn the bridesmaid dress. The bride resents me; everything I have done and been asked to do is through her Dad. To what extent does he have to participate with his ex? He does not want to do the dance thing or sit beside her as she is now contesting the divorce papers, which she won't sign. It's the bride's day so I can care less about going. Hurt feelings sure, but it's her day. The groom's family invites them for dinner to their house; is he obliged to go with the ex? She is now wanting alimony from him even though the separation covered all that.

A It sounds as if the bride's mother is under a lot of pressure, not just financially but socially in terms of being a single parent at her daughter's wedding and having to deal with the mounting bills. You sound like a well- mannered and sensible person; in stressful times such as these often a strong person needs to come forward and help the bride's parents pitch in and work together on making the wedding a success for their family. As you said, the wedding is all about the daughter but, sadly, her parents are making it a battle ground. Perhaps you might get your boyfriend to talk to his ex-wife about calling a truce on their marital/financial bickering until after their daughter is wed. Remind him that he and his ex-wife are role models of behavior for the daughter and if they are behaving badly, it only reflects poorly on their daughter.

After you've gotten them to call a truce, see if you can get them to conform to proper etiquette. After the groom walks his daughter up the aisle he sits in the bride's parents' pew next to the bride's mother, whether they are married or not. This is how nice people behave. When the bride looks over at the parents' pew, she needs to see both of her parents. He does not need to stand in the receiving line for any longer than necessary; most fathers don't. It is likely that he will be seated next to the groom's mother, who will be on his right, at the parents' table. While the groom's father dances with the groom's mother, the bride's father dances with the bride's mother, no matter what. Everyone will be looking to see how these two bickering parents behave and they need to set boundaries of behavior because they are their daughter's role model.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Can't Make Wedding Plan Come True
Q What if the parents of the bride, after making all the wedding and reception plans with the bride and groom, suddenly find they are not prepared to pay for it?? Is it appropriate for them to then ask the groom to speak to his parents about paying for their guests? What if the groom's parents are not able to do so?

A These days, often the expense of the wedding is shared by both families. Since you already have the dream plan on paper, you might come up with an alternative plan eliminating a couple of elements and shortening your invitation list. You might opt for a less formal reception, for instance a buffet lunch instead of a seated dinner, or using the church hall for the reception instead of paying for a banquet hall, or you might rent a tent and tables and chairs and have the reception on your lawn. See what you can do by paring down the existing plan to one you can afford. Then meet with the bride and groom and tell them you were not prepared for all the hidden expenses, so you have come up with an alternative plan. If this does not solve the problem of cost, then you or the bride might ask the groom if his parents might be able to pitch-in. In many situations, such as yours, one parent will act as treasurer paying the bills and then the costs are divvied up between the two families. Often when the bride's family cannot afford to pay for the wedding and the groom's family can, the groom's family are happy to pitch in. Traditionally, the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding trip so you need to find out what they are already preparing to contribute before you ask them to help with the wedding reception. When you meet with the groom's parents you might find that by pooling your ideas, you come up with all sorts of ways to spend less, for instance they might have a relative or friend who is a florist or owns a restaurant, or they may offer to host the reception at their country club or Elks Club. Many times a wedding is more fun when everyone is included in a less formal setting. The sooner you resolve the problem and begin communicating with your new extended family, the sooner you will start having fun making your daughter and future son-in-law's wedding come together.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents' Responsibility
Q Our daughter has been living on her own for almost ten years. For six years she has been living with her fiance. What expenses are the bride's parents expected to pay for in this instance?

A It doesn't matter how long your daughter has been living on her own. It is all about how much you are willing and able to contribute toward her wedding celebration. If your daughter and her fiance are professionals with good incomes, then you need to sit down with them to find out their expectations for the wedding. That includes an estimated budget. Going into the conversation, know what you are willing and able to contribute and offer just that. If they want added luxuries, such as bag pipers playing as they leave the church, videographers, a live band at the reception, a designer wedding dress, let them pay for those.

Alternatively, you can go into this face to face conversation offering a set amount of money that they can use toward their wedding reception, their wedding trip, or for a down payment on an apartment or house. By setting boundaries from the start, you are making your intentions to help clear as to how much you are able to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Present to Groom
Q Does the bride-to-be buy the groom-to-be a present before the wedding?

A Traditionally, the bride gives the groom a pair of cufflinks, studs, a watch, or a framed photograph of herself.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Rings
Q Do you wear your engagement ring down the aisle or do you put that on after the ceremony? Also does the wedding band go below or above the engagement ring?

A The bride is not wearing her engagement ring walking down the aisle; however, she can put it on anytime after the wedding band has been placed on her finger. So: the wedding band is closest to her palm and the engagement ring goes on next.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Stepmother
Q Didi:
I am struggling with this one. My father is re-married to a woman we (my siblings) all despise. They have been together 20 years now - lots of bad blood and memories. Her kids are adults, we get along with them, they are invited. My father's wife was not. Still a week before the wedding, I could change it, but really don't want her there. What should I do? My daughter left it up to me whether to invite her or not.

Also best way to honor my mother at the wedding - who passed at this time last year...

thanks, RJ

A Take the high road. You all may despise your dad's new wife, but he makes her happy or he wouldn't be with her. If he was miserable, he would be emotionally dependent on all of you kids. Think about it: Do you want to be changing his Depends? Put it this way, he is a co-dependent guy; it is either her or someone worse. Go up the ladder and invite her, too. Sorry, about your mum. In the program for the ceremony, after the listing of the bridal party add these words: We remember this day Alice Wilson Adams. Obviously you would substitute your mum's name. It is especially difficult when you know that she is missing such a special occasion.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid + Shower Present
Q Does a bridesmaid purchase the bride a shower gift if she is heavily involved in the planning and cost of the event? If so, should it be something from her registry, or more a personal type of gift?

A No, you might not be expected to purchase a shower gift since you have been so involved with the shower, however, if you think you might feel empty handed you might bring a tiny gift beautifully wrapped, but it is not necessary.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Dresses: When They Don't Like the Bride's Choice
Q What is correct etiquette when the color amd style of the dress that the bride has chosen for her attendants is totally wrong for the attendants?

A The bridesmaids need to tell the bride that they don't feel that the bridesmaid's dress is appropriate for all of the bridesmaids. But before you do this, do some research and come up with a dress that suits all of your figures and budgets, then present your suggestions to the bride. Traditionally, the bride takes the matron or maid of honor and another bridesmaid with her when she picks out the dress. If she hasn't done this, you can certainly say why you don't like the dress; for instance, long bridesmaid's dresses are "so over." Also, you want a dress that you will be able to wear again. Although strapless is in right now, not all women look well in a strapless dress. Short dresses are usually less expensive because there is less fabric. So: come up with some alternative choices, which you have a consensus on from the other bridesmaids, before you present the bride with alternatives and tell her why the bridesmaids don't like the dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My mother seems to think that the sister of the groom should be included as a bridesmaid in the wedding party, if the sister and the fiancee and the sister and the brother all have close, good relationships. Is there a hard and fast rule about including the sister of the groom in the wedding party? Thank you.


A It is the prerogative of the bride to chose her bridesmaids. Do not rain on that parade.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q When is the appropriate time for bridesmaids to leave a wedding reception? Are they required to stay until the end of the evening? Can they leave before the bride and groom leave?

A The bridesmaids can leave after the bride throws her bouquet.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My maid of honor doesnt understand that there is a budget for this wedding and is buying new shoes, stockings and a floor-length gown and has sent me a bill. I know I asked her to stand with me but how do I explain to her I cannot afford her stuff as well as my gown?

A Actually, the maid of honor buys her own gown, shoes and stockings. If you did not offer to pay for these things when you asked her to stand with you, then you are not obligated to pay for them. On the other hand, if you did offer to pay for them, you would have stipulated a budget and that you would like to approve the gown and shoes before the purchase. If the maid of honor has gone ahead and bought things that she cannot afford, you need to tell her that she has to return the gown and shoes for ones that she can afford. If she does not want to do this, then you do not have to pay, nor do you have to pay the difference between what you can afford to pay and the actual cost of the item. How to resolve this after the fact is dicey. You need to have a friendly conversation with the bridesmaid and try to get her to see the situation from your point of view. Ask her this: "How do you think you would handle this situation? I should have given you a budget before you went out and spent money that I cannot afford to reimburse you for because I have so many other expenses towards the wedding. Would you be willing to compromise with me by, say, taking back the long gown and exchanging it for a dress that falls just below the knees?" This way you are not criticizing her behavior, because as you know nothing destroys a relationship faster than criticism. But you are enlisting her compassion by trying to get her to think about the consequences of her spending money you did not allocate. Tell her that you have a very strict budget and give her an amount with which she can work. If she wants to keep what she bought, then she pays the difference. Also, long gowns on bridesmaids are so over, she would look a lot chicer if she wore a short gown anyway. To soften boundaries that you are setting, you might want to let her off the hook about having to buy you a wedding present. Remember that etiquette is all about compassion, consideration and compromise. Try to get her to put herself in your shoes and then ask her to compromise. Set boundaries of what you can afford to give her a certain amount towards her outfit and suggest that she purchase a shorter gown. Nowadays, the only person at a wedding who wears a long gown is the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette: Pregnant Bridesmaid
Q What is proper etiquette for bridesmaids that discover they are pregnant?

A The bridesmaid would have a conversation with the bride telling her the happy news. The bridesmaid when then offer to give up her duties, in other words, she would offer to resign and let the bride replace her with another friend. The choice is at the discretion of the bride. The proper etiquette is to let the bride off the hook by resigning.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette: Wearing Hose or Stockings
Q TODAY'S YOUNG GIRLS DO NOT THINK WEARING HOSIERY IS NOT VERY COOL. IN A WEDDING WITH DRESSES BELOW THE KNEE, FORMAL AT 5 O'CLOCK BLACK SHOES, OPEN TOES, IN JANUARY. COLD WEATHER. MOTHER OF THE BRIDE WANTS THE GIRLS TO WEAR HOSIRY. BRIDE SAID NO HOSIERY BARE LEGS. WHAT IS CORRECT?????????????? IN CHURCH.

A Girls these days, especially if they are in a wedding, groom their legs. Not only are their legs shinny and smooth as the finest silk stocking, but the girls are more comfortable. It is not about the hose. It is about having legs that are well-groomed, shiny and tanned. None of the bridesmaids is going to show up with her legs showing dark stubble or looking flaky. Trust that these girls are more on top of looking good for your daughter's wedding than you can possibly imagine. I understand your concern here, but I want you to do the right thing. There are battles to be fought, but hose is not one of them. Believe me, God and the priest won't notice if the girls are wearing hose or not. Be assured that the bridesmaids will be well-groomed and no one will notice that they are not wearing hose because everyone will be focused on the beautiful bride. Perhaps the focus should be on the color of the nail polish for their toes and fingers. Now that needs to be coordinated, along with the style and hight of the heels.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Hosts Dutch Treat Dinner
Q I'm planning a bridal shower (I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding) at a restaurant. I fear people will expect their meals to be paid for, when in fact they will not. Is there a PC way to address this issue on the invitation? (The manager of the restaurant has asked me to ask the women to bring cash with them, since there are going to be about 40 people there.) (Most of these people live out-of-state, so word-of-mouth isn't a good option.)

A At the bottom of the invitation, under the RSVP, you might print something like this: "Dutch Treat" $45. Cash Only Dinner includes meal, wine, tax and tip. You will also need to state "No Presents" opposite from the RSVP on the right hand side, because you are already asking them to pay for their meal and they will have plenty of other expenses associated with the wedding. Don't forget to factor in the tax and gratuity when determining a set price, perhaps the manager might help you with this.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who should give a bridesmaid luncheon and what is the purpose of it?

A Traditionally, the matron of honor, the maid of honor, and the bridesmaids host a party for the bride on the same night as the bachelor dinner for the groom; the bride's close women friends and relatives are invited, all of whom have been invited to her wedding.

A bridal luncheon would not necessarily be held by the bridesmaids. It would more than likely be hosted by friends of the mother of the bride and their daughters. It would be held at noon on Saturday before an evening wedding for the women in the bridal party, close women friends and relatives of the bride and the groom's close women relatives. It would last for two hours, and it is a polite way of giving the ladies lunch on the wedding day when the wedding is later in the day. At that time the men might be off playing golf or sailing. The purpose of the bridal lunch is to introduce the out-of-town women guests and the bride's friends and family to the groom's.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who is invited to a bridesmaid luncheon? Thank you.

A The bridesmaid luncheon can serve different purposes. For instance, it can be given by the bridesmaids the day before the wedding just for the bride. Or a friend or relative of the bride or groom's mother can host a luncheon for all the women in the bridal party and any out of town guests or close friends of the family that have been invited to the wedding. Or it might be a simple luncheon of sandwiches and yogurt hosted by any of the bridesmaids or the bride the day of the wedding while the bride is being helped into her dress. Often for the dressing session the bride's mother will hire a make-up artist and hair stylist to attend to each member of the bridal party. Or there can be two luncheons: one formal luncheon given by a friend or friends of the bride's mother the day before the wedding as well as a small grooming luncheon for the bridesmaids and bride the day of the wedding. Then again, often several women will host a formal ladies luncheon in a private home or club or restaurant the day before the wedding and the bride will be given a cake with various good luck charms hidden inside. Depending upon your circle of friends, there are various traditions that can be brought into place. The intention of the bridal luncheon is to make sure that all the bridesmaids arrive ahead of time so that if a bridesmaid, say, is missing anything or needs help sewing on a strap, finding the right shoes, or having a nail polish change those details can be handled at that time. When many of the guests have, say, traveled across country to attend the wedding, then the wedding couple's families and close friends try to provide hospitable ways to host the wedding party and out-of- town guests with pre-wedding barbecues, cookouts, luncheons, golf games, etc. Start by making a list of all the women in the bridal party, including women relatives such as aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, stepmothers, and then list the out-of-town guests so that when someone offers to host a bridal luncheon you have a good idea of how many people might be able to attend, if invited to a bridal luncheon. As you can see, there are many variations of the bridal luncheon whether you just want to make sure that the bride and her maids have something to eat before the big event, or you just want to make sure that all the women in the bride's inner circle have a chance to socialize over lunch.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids + Mothers Don't Wear the Same Color
Q I am not sure if this question is considered etiquette or not. However....my stepdaughter is getting married in August, and she told me to get a yellow dress. When I went to the bridal store to find something, I was talking to the owner and explaining to her that my stepdaughter was getting married and that the bridal party was wearing yellow and that she wanted myself, her mother, and her mother-in-law to be to all wear yellow, as well. She informed me that we (the mothers) are absolutley not supposed to wear the same color as the bridal party. I have to place my order by the end of this month, so I was wondering if you could tell me what is correct and what isn't. I talked to my stepdaughter about it and she said if I could find out for sure what was right and wrong, she would greatly appreciate it. Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

A There is no law about the mothers wearing the same color as the bridesmaids. It is customary for the mothers to wear beige from head to toe. Usually the bride and groom visualize how they want the wedding party to look in the photographs. This year "the" color is yellow; however, do you really want to compete with all those cute, young bridesmaids? See if you can get your stepdaughter to look at the big picture and realize that she might not want her mother, stepmother, aunts, and grandmothers all looking like older bridesmaids. You ladies will look lovely and dignified all in beige blending into the scene. There is no law, but maybe there should be. Ultimately, as you know, it is your stepdaughter's wedding and her decision.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Dilemma: Two Brides Same Day
Q What do you do if you have verbally committed to being a bridesmaid for two different weddings but they ended up on the same day? How do you decide?

A This is a decision only you can make. Discuss your dilemma with each of the brides because you might find that one of the brides has a problem because she has asked too many friends to be bridesmaids or that one feels bad because cousin so-and-so is feeling left out. If you still can't decide, be a bridesmaid for the friend who invited you first. Then you can tell number two the truth: you had accepted the other bride first.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Duties
Q What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

A Along with the matron and the maid of honor, the bridesmaids organize a bridemaids' party the same night as the bachelor dinner is held for the bridegroom. They also help to choose and organize the joint gift to the bride from all of her attendants.

The day of the wedding, their duty is to be there for her if she needs anything from a safety pin to an aspirin and to keep her company up until they all walk down the aisle. Most importantly, they make sure she has something to eat before the wedding. They organize her "going-away" outfit and make sure the best man gets all of her luggage into the getaway car, including her passport, other photo identification, wallet, pocketbook, cosmetic bag, filofax, Blackberry and cell phone. After the wedding they see to it that her wedding dress, veil, and other wedding accessories are taken back to her home. The bridal attendants are not only responsible for watching the bride's back, they are mini-hostesses who help out the family and cheerfully great guests and relatives as self-sustaining guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Gifts
Q When do I give my bridesmaids their gifts?

A Traditionally, there might have been a luncheon where the bride would give her bridesmaids gifts and there would be a bridesmaid's cake with charms for the bride buried into the cake. Nowadays, the gifts are more apt to be given the day of the wedding while the bridesmaids are helping the bride "get dressed." Often a makeup person and hairstylist will go to the bride, and the bridesmaids will show up in their dresses to have their makeup and hair styled, too. At that time, while nibbling on tea sandwiches and non-fat yogurt and sipping herbal tea or espresso, the bride will give a small gift to all of her closest friends, her bridesmaids. In the meantime, the bridesmaids will be making sure that the bride has something old, something new, something blue and that her passport and her outfit and luggage for the wedding trip getaway are organized for the best man to deliver to the getaway car. If this is not the plan, do not fret. It is best to wait until the bridesmaids are all assembled to give out the bridesmaids gifts, as in many instances this might be the first and last time that they are all together, so the bride would try to thank them all at once. Often a photographer is on hand towards the end to catch the tears, and a photo of the garter, which the groom is supposed to take off her leg with his teeth on their wedding night.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Hairstyle + Makeup
Q How much control does a bride have in picking her bridesmaids' hairstyle and makeup?


A The bride and bridesmaids would discuss the makeup and hairstyles at, say, a girlie-girlie bridal shower and come to a compromise. In order to have the makeup and hairstyles coordinated, a lot of brides arrange with a beauty salon for her bridesmaids to come with clean hair to have their hair styled and their makeup applied the day of the wedding. Or the bride hires a makeup artist and hairstylist to attend to them in, say, the maid of honor's hotel room. How much control depends upon the social skills of the bride, or how much she cares. If the bride really cares, then she will provide the service for them.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Family Conflict
Q I am in a friend's wedding in September. I am due to have a baby in August. Since I breast-feed, I was planning on bringing my baby to the rehearsal dinner. She told me that I can't, so I told her that I will not be able to attend. Then she told me that I could not attend the bridesmaids' lunch, which is at her mother's house. I am frustrated and want to know if it will be rude to drop out of her wedding..? Please help

A The reality of the situation is that after your baby is born, you might find that you are not really interested in attending these social events. You might be so wrapped up in your baby and exhausted that it might be better if you backed out. The sooner you back out, the better because the bride might need to try to find someone to replace you, which might be awkward if they know you have backed out. So, please have a discussion with the bride. Tell her that if she wouldn't mind, you would like to beg off and let her replace you. If she insists that you attend because it is too late to replace you, then you will have to put on a happy face and be a dutiful bridesmaid. You might be able to pump a couple of bottles of milk for a babysitter to feed to your baby while you are performing your bridal party duties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Financial Responsibilities
Q Help!!! I am in a situation: who pays for the shower when the bride's sisters and mother are planning to invite 95 people (all the females invited to the wedding) to the shower? There are 8 bridesmaids who are being asked to pay $200 apiece just for the shower..... not to mention $200 for the dress, and a gift for the shower, and wedding. I also am paying for my daughter's dress who is a junior bridesmaid and my son's tux, as a junior groomsman. This wedding is going to run me almost $1000!!!!! This is nuts!

A You need to have a conversation with the bride and tell her that you are concerned that there is too much pressure being put on the bridal party financially. Often the wedding couple or their families will have a discretionary fund which would pay, say, for your share of the cost of the shower, or your children's outfits. Why not ask? She should be made aware of the fact that the wedding is a strain on you financially and that you are not even going to be able to buy her a gift when you are through paying for all the expenses for your family to be a part of her wedding. The sooner you discuss this with her, the better. If you can find a buddy to have the talk with her, too, all the better. Don't be afraid to ask about a discretionary fund. Remember that if you are a good enough friend to be asked as a bridesmaid, you are a good enough friend to speak your mind. As for the number of bridesmaids, it does not sound like a cozy intimate bridal shower but the guest list is at the discretion of the bride, so there is not much you can do about that except to be sure that everyone who is invited is also being invited to the wedding. Be brave, set your boundaries. Tell her what you can afford to pay for and what you simply cannot afford to pay for.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Luncheon + Bridal Luncheon
Q In 1975, my mother gave my daughter's bridesmaids' luncheon. As I read current wedding etiquette, I am amazed to see that the bride usually gives that luncheon. Am I so out of date? I thought the grandmothers traditionally gave the bridesmaids' luncheon. My granddaughter is to be married in May 2011 and her other grandmother and I wish to give that luncheon. Your advice is needed.
Thanks, Merilyn

A There tends to be some confusion over the luncheons. Nowadays, there are possibly two luncheons: the Bridal Luncheon the day before the wedding given by friends of the bride's mother or a relative of the bride or groom such as a grandmother, aunt, or Godmother. Then there is the Bridesmaids Luncheon, which is just for the bridesmaids and the bride the day of the wedding. Because so many of the bridesmaids come from afar, the bride gathers her bridesmaids around her several hours before the wedding ceremony, and they help one another get ready. The bride gives them a simple lunch of, say, tea sandwiches and iced tea, and--most importantly--provides a hair stylist and a makeup expert to assist her bridesmaids in preparation for the wedding photos--as wedding photos call for professional makeup these days. Often the mothers and grandmothers will show up briefly to have their hair and makeup tweaked, too.

You and your granddaughter's other grandmother can most certainly host the Bridal Luncheon. Nowadays, anyone close to the bride or the bride or groom's mother can give the bridal luncheon. It is lovely of you and your granddaughter's other grandmother to want to host a luncheon and I'm sure the bride will be thrilled.

You'll want to be sure to invite only those friends and family members that the bride invited to the wedding, but you know that. Even so, you wouldn't invite anyone without running the name past the bride first. These days, this luncheon is usually called the Bridal Luncheon, and all the bridesmaids, and perhaps some of their mothers, are invited. It is held the day before the wedding and proceeds by the rehearsal dinner. The bride usually doesn't give the Bridal Luncheon because she is way too busy, so the luncheon is given for her and her bridesmaids. As I said before, the day of the wedding the bride gives a very simple luncheon for her bridesmaids to thank them by hosting lunch at a spa or providing her bridesmaids with tea sandwiches and ice tea while they are having their hair styled and makeup applied for the wedding. It is more of a practical function to ensure that all the bridesmaids have the services they need away from home. Often a makeup artist and hair stylist is hired by the bride or her mother as a treat for the women in the bridal party.

As the bride's grandmothers, you can host a Bridal Luncheon the day before the wedding. Just be sure that the invitation list comes from the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon Invitation Wording
Q I am the MOB and would like help with the wording for the Bridesmaids' Luncheon invitation. Can you direct me to where I may find some samples?

A I would be happy to give you the wording for your daughter's bridal luncheon. If you return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and ask the question again, but this time providing me with the following information, I will detail it out for you: Who is hosting the luncheon? The RSVP for the luncheon? The name of the bride? The place, date, and time? If you have a cut-off date for the RSVP, I will need that date, too. Remember that you do not necessarily have to list the host in the body of the invitation if the hostess's name is under the RSVP. Also, would you clarify the following: Is this a bridal luncheon given in honor of the bride and the bridesmaids, or is it a luncheon being given by the bride for her bridesmaids? Please be assured that I will not post your question and my answer on my Web site.

Didi Lorillard
www.newportmanners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon with Stepmother
Q Is it proper for the stepmother of the bride to host the bridesmaids' luncheon?

A The bridesmaids' luncheon is given for the female relatives and close friends of the bride. It is supposed to be a fun and happy occasion. If the bride wishes to have her stepmother attend, the stepmother should be invited. If the bride is uncomfortable around the stepmother, she should not be included.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon: Hosts
Q My niece will be getting married this summer. Who is the proper person to host the bridesmaid's luncheon? Should it be one of her close friends (member of the bridal party or a family member (her aunt)?

A The bridesmaids' luncheon can be hosted by any of the women close to the bride or a combination. Traditionally, the bride and her mother gave the bridal luncheon to thank the attendants and all the other women relatives and friends who were helping with the wedding. At that time the bride would give out her gifts to her bridesmaids. Then it became fashionable for the Matron of Honor or Maid of Honor, or both together to host the luncheon. Nowadays, an aunt or combination of, say, two aunts and several nieces might host the luncheon. It really depends upon who the women are who are close to the bride. There is no rule carved in stone. It might even be a group of the mother of the bride's friends who have watched the bride grow up. So, yes, the bride's aunt, grandmothers or cousins might very well offer to host the bridesmaid's luncheon.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Name on Program When Divorced
Q If you have a bridesmaid who is now divorced and back to her original name before she got married, on the programs you make, should she be Miss, Ms. or Mrs.?

A You might ask the bridesmaid how she would like to be listed in the program and follow her lead. Women nowadays choose the name they want to use when they are no longer married.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Pay for Shower
Q Should bridesmaids pay for bridal showers?

A It is customary for the women members of the bridal party to shower the bride with gifts just for her. However, if the bridesmaids cannot afford to give the party, often a family friend or relative will offer to pay, if you discuss the event with family members ahead of time. The bridesmaids would still host and organize the party, which could be a simple brunch, lunch or tea. These days it is well understood that young people cannot foot the bill for a shower on top of paying for their dress and present.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Are They Necessary
Q Are bridesmaids really needed?

A No, bridesmaids are not really needed. You might have one attendant to help you during the ceremony to hold your wedding bouquet, your engagement ring, and to hand you your husband's wedding band at the right moment. If you are wearing a veil, she would help you remove it after the ceremony. The tradition of bridesmaids originated when families were much larger to give the sisters roles in the wedding, as well as to put them on display for potential suitors.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Dresses
Q Who traditionally pays for bridesmaid dresses?

A Traditionally, the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. However, the bride's family will have a discretionary fund to help bridesmaids who, say, are still in school and cannot afford the cost of airfare, hotel accommodations, the wedding gift, and the bridesmaid's dress. It is the bride's responsibility to make sure that she is not putting undo financial pressure on her bridesmaids and to be sensitive to pitching in financially when needed.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids: Gifts
Q I am part of and attending my girlfriend's wedding in Mexico. Both my husband and I are attending and it is quite costly. I am unsure if I am still supposed to get her a wedding gift even though I am paying almost $3,000 to attend and also holding her shower and planning her stagette. Thanks so much! Amy

A Is your question that you are wondering if you still have to give your friend a wedding present? If you don't give her a present, you need to illustrate why. Perhaps you can take photos from the shower and stagette and arrange them in a nice little album and label the photos with the date and names of the guests. She will then be reminded of all that you have done and also have the memories recorded. If that is not your style, you could do a video. If you remind people gently of what you have done, they will understand that you have done all that you can do and that is the best that any of us can do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bringing Gifts to a Wedding
Q Wedding gifts....are they sent to the bride's home before the wedding? Or are they brought to the reception? What is the proper protocol?

A Nowadays, guests go on the Internet and look up the couple's bridal registry on their wedding Web site or on the wedding channel. After finding a gift that the wedding couple has chosen and that the guest can afford, the store sends the gift to the registered address. The problem with bringing gifts to a wedding is that often cards go astray, or gifts go astray and then the guest does not understand why he didn't receive a thank-you note. He didn't receive a thank- you note because the gift went astray.

Wedding Etiquette: Broken Engagement
Q Broken engagement, who gets the engagement ring?


A Would you please go back to my Web site and ask the question the question again supplying more details and I will be happy to help yo solve your problem.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Brother of the Bride
Q What title do you give the brother of the bride if he is giving his sister away?

A The brother of the bride is the brother of the bride even if he is giving his siter away.

Wedding Etiquette: Brother-In-Law Blackballed from Bachelor Party
Q Whom should the groom include on the bachelor party list? My youngest daughter is getting married and intends on inviting the one brother-in-law but not the other, stating that he really doesn't know that one.

A Your daughter does not understand the purpose of the bachelor party. In the first place it is not her role to be doing the inviting to the groom's bachelor party. The groom's buddies, brothers, or close male family members, including future brothers-in-law, host the bachelor party and, therefore, they make up the list with the groom. Tell your daughter that one of the points of the bachelor party is for the groom to become better acquainted with future males-in-law. She is missing the purpose of the ritual, if she doesn't allow the two men to socialize. Also, the future brother-in-law is going to wonder why he was not invited; her groom is going to feel bad when he is included at his future brother-in-law's bachelor party, when the time comes, because he hadn't invite the guy to his own. Tell your daughter to look at the big picture. Weddings and especially the festivities around them are about bonding and uniting extending families.

Wedding Etiquette: Budget: Big Guest List + Small Budget
Q The wedding list is long and the budget is short. I suggested a private wedding and reception for close family and friends and then an open house for other friends and distant relatives after. Any suggestions on how to do this without hurting anyone's feelings? Would this be rude?

A It takes a lot of people to fill a church, so why not do what Europeans do: invite everyone to the church and then have a large "cocktail buffet," in other words a cocktail party with a buffet table for the finer food. That way you would not have the cost of a seated dinner of waitstaff, table rentals, flowers, but you can give everyone a little to drink and eat. Sometimes it is better to include everyone and give them less, than incur hard feelings. You can still call it a wedding reception, because it is.

Wedding Etiquette: Buying Your Way In
Q Our daughter's future in-laws insist on paying for part of their son's wedding citing the fact that he is their only child. My husband and I understand that they really want to be a part of the wedding festivities but we are afraid that if we accept money from them it will give them the right to make demands. My daughter and her fiance are having great fun planning every detail of their very traditional wedding and want to do everything their way. The wedding is budgeted for thirty thousand dollars and the future in-laws would probably offer about five thousand. With all the expected stress and pressures of a wedding, this is just another one. If we accept the money, will they expect to be listed on the invitation? Please give us your expert advice. How should we handle this complicated situation?

A It sounds as if your daughter and her fiance are in control of their wedding. If they truly want a traditional wedding, the grooms parents' names would not appear on the invitation. If the future in-laws want to pay for something specific like the cost of the band, the groom could give a toast to his parents thanking them for their good taste in dance music or some such anecdote or the bride and groom could dedicate a song to them. Be sure to have the bill sent directly to the groom's parents so you and your husband do not handle their payments. As you say, it is really up to the bride and groom to make such a suggestion and, if his parents ask to be on the invitation, all they have to do is to cite the etiquette books for advice on traditional wedding invitations for their answer.

The wedding invitation announces that you and your husband are giving your daughter in marriage to their son. So: why in the world would his parents' names be on the invitation? Only if they are giving the rehearsal dinner the night before, the bridesmaids' luncheon, or the brunch the next day would their name appear on an invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off a Wedding Shower
Q I am sending cards out informing guests that my brother's wedding shower has been cancelled. However the cancellation of the wedding has not been confirmed. We are all assuming it will be; however I was told to definitely cancel the shower. What is the proper wording?

A As you no doubt know, this is a time for face-saving and sensitivity towards both parties. You might send out a small card as soon as possible saying something like this:
Both Caroline Spencer and George Nelson have decided to call off their wedding shower on Saturday, May 1th. Any presents that have already been sent will be returned. Many thanks for your understanding. Sincerely, (signed by the hosts). In conversation with anyone who asks, you might say, "Both equally agreed that the wedding shower should be called off."

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q What is appropiate if a shower and gifts have been given for an engagment but the engagment is since then off?

A This is a delicate situation for the man and woman who were getting married, and their families, and it must be managed with compassion. All gifts need to be boxed up and mailed back to the persons who sent them with a handwritten note thanking them for their wonderful and generous present. If the woman called off the wedding, she would return the engagement ring. If the man called off the wedding, he returns all gifts the woman has given him. Additionally, so that friends and relatives can make other plans for that date, a formal card might be sent to all those who might have attended the wedding, which might say:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
announce the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Remember, for reasons of face-saving, it is important to say that "They decided it was the right thing to do." Or, "Both of them agreed that it was the best thing to do." This is a time for compassion and not gossip.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q I would like to know the proper way to announce the cancellation of an engagement. Save the Date notices have been sent out - and an Engagement Party with gifts has occurred.

A Whatever is said or written, the word that goes out is that---no matter who called it off---"By mutual consent Jane Doe and Charles Brown are not getting married," or "Both have decided it is the right thing to do," or "Jane and Charles have agreed that the wedding should be called off." Often a formal printed announcement card is sent out to all those who received a Save the Date notice; which might also be enclosed with the engagement gift when it is sent back to the guest, but perhaps with a handwritten sentence, such as, "Thank you very much for your beautiful, generous present." Insert your own information and center these lines on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. John Whitman Doe
announce the marriage of their daughter
Jane Amanda
to
Mr. Charles William Brown
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding
Q Do I return the gifts, both wedding and shower?

A Yes, I am terribly sorry to tell you that all shower and wedding presents need to be boxed up and returned to the sender (guest). Customarily, a printed card accompanies the gift, which can also be sent to those who received Save the Date cards. The card is printed up and a personal sentence is written inside and the card is signed. The sentence might read: Thank you for the lovely present. The printed card would read (center and insert your own information):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
announce the marriage of their daughter
Mary Elizabeth
to
Mr. William Stuart Shakespeare
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding + Paying for the Apparel
Q Do I offer to pay for my attendants apparel when I cancel my wedding?

A Yes, I am so sorry but you might want to offer to pay for your attendants' apparel in order to sustain the relationship with the friend. Then when you ask them to attend you again, they will accept in a heart beat.

Wedding Etiquette: Calling Off the Wedding Shower
Q My wording is as follows:
The shower in honor of
name and name
scheduled for, saturday, march 4, 2006
Will not take place
We apologize for any inconvenience
Thank you
name
Should I start it with.........We regret to inform you, that the shower............ instead of the way I have it.
Didi, thank you for your help.

A This is very sensitive time for both parties and no one needs to be humiliated. It is proper etiquette to say that by "mutual consent" or "mutual agreement".... So: your card might be worded this way:

The Wedding Shower
on Saturday, March 4th, 2006
for Caroline Spencer and George Nelson
by mutual agreement
will not take place

Wedding Etiquette: Calling the Whole Thing Off
Q How do I tell others that my fiance and I decided to put off the wedding due to personal issues?

A In dicey situations such as this, it is best for all concerned that you and your fiance use phrases that suggest mutual agreement. "John and I have decided that as much as we love each other, we are not going to get married." Or, "John and I have agreed that we are not meant to be married." Or, "By mutual agreement, John and I are calling the whole thing off. Sadly, we're not getting married."

Wedding Etiquette: Can Bridal Shower Invites Be Mailed Before Wedding Invites
Q Can bridal shower invitations be sent out before the wedding invitations?

A Wedding invitations are customarily sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding. Whether the bridal shower is a girls-only lunch (with invitations mailed two to three weeks ahead of time), or a coed cocktail party, (three to four weeks prior), you might want to send shower invitations after the wedding invitations have been received. Allow five days for delivery. So: if you are using this formula, you would not send the shower invitations out before the wedding invitations are received. When a save-the-date card has been sent well ahead of this time, it might be all right to send the shower invitations earlier if the date of the bridal shower is far out, but you must check with the bride to make sure everyone on your bridal shower guest list is also on the wedding invitation list. Sadly, I get lots of letters from people who think it rude that they are invited to the shower but not the wedding; no one on your bridal shower list should be disappointed they weren't invited to the wedding, because they probably will regret the shower if not invited to the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Guest Invite a Guest?
Q Bringing a guest to a wedding?

A If your invitation was addressed to you and "Guest," you are being invited to bring a guest. If your invitation does not include such a notation, you are not to bring a guest.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Mother Of Groom Host Bridal Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to be listed (on the invitation) as co-host of a bridal shower? Her home is being used as the site for a surprise kitchen shower given by the matron of honor (who lives in a small apartment), and we want to do this properly...

A Traditionally, it is inappropriate for a family member to host a party soliciting gifts for the bride; however, technically since it is for a shower before the wedding your mother-in-law is not yet your mother-in-law. So: since your mother-in-law is being so incredibly generous, why not list her on the invitation but the RSVP might be to the matron of honor.

Wedding Etiquette: Can Stepmom Host Bridal Lunch?
Q Is it proper for the stepmother of the bride to host the bridesmaids' luncheon?

A The mother of the bride and the stepmother of the bride do not give the bridal luncheon; they can, however, pay for the luncheon but their names would not go on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Can the Groom See the Dress
Q Is it proper for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding or can he see it but not on her?

A Mystery in romance has always been a good thing. If the guy needs to see the dress, maybe it will not be a good marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Canceling: Calling It Off, Who Gets the Ring
Q If you break off an engagement to be married, does the woman return the ring?

A If the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring. If the man breaks the wedding engagement, the woman keeps the ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Cancellation Expense
Q If I cancel my wedding within one month of the event, should I reimburse the bridal party and/or guests for any expenses they have incurred?

A It would be most kind of you to reimburse the bridal party for any expenses they incurred to participate in your wedding. If you can afford to reimburse guests for their expenses and want to, I am sure they will be incredibly grateful to you for your thoughtfulness. Put yourself in their shoes and decide.

Wedding Etiquette: Capitalizing "Guest"
Q On inside envelopes of wedding invitations, should the word "guest" be capitalized since the guest is a person?

A You are correct, the word "Guest" would have a capital G.

Wedding Etiquette: Card Wording
Q Our son's stepbrother, we'll call B, is getting married and we would like to send him a card but we aren't sure what to write in it. Over 26 yrs, due to arrival and pickups for visitation and school events of our children, we met and became very good friend's w/B's mom, stepfather, sister and half-sister. B has lived w/his stepmother and father growing up. We have been included in and celebrated other occasions w/B's sister & half-sister that live w/his biological mother. There is not unfortunately, after 26 yrs, a good association between B's stepmother and father w/his mother and family. That is also the case w/us due to the fact that his stepmother is my husband's ex-wife. We feel that the fact that we know B and we are very close to his mom, stepfather and sisters we would like to give him and his bride a card and money as a wedding gift like we have for his sisters. Over the years we have had good interactions w/B when we have been at events his Mom has had that we have both attended. We just aren't really sure how to word the message in the wedding card. B's Mother and family wanted us, along w/2 other close couples, invited to the wedding but his stepmother and father did not want any of his mother's friends invited. And due to our particular situation, we told them not to be concerned about us not being invited because we didn't want any tension or worries for the bride and groom that day. We believe this is not a day for the bride or groom to worry about conflict or tension. We just simply want to congratulate the bride and groom and give them our best wishes, but we also don't want them to feel bad that they didn't invite us to their wedding. We thought about not sending a card or gift but we don't feel that was right either just because of his stepmother's and father's feelings toward us. We feel like we want to do for him what we did for his sister & half-sister and also because of our close relationship w/his mother and stepfather.

A Find an attractive wedding card to send to the wedding couple. Before signing your names, say something such as this in your own words.

We are so happy for you both and we wish you a long and wonderful life together. Know you are always in our hearts and prayers.

Then sign your names.

Alternative, you can have family members all add a sentence before signing their name.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash as the Bridal Shower Theme
Q When the honeymoon theme for bridal shower strongly suggests money gifts -during shower a)are envelopes opened b)are non-money gifts opened or no gifts opened?

A I am sorry but I am not a big fan of using weddings and showers to solicit money. I suppose if you must ask for cash, then do; however, you certainly would not open the envelope and tell everyone how much the person gave anymore than you would unwrap a present to find a price tag and read the cost out loud to the guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Bar
Q My son is getting married in April and their budget is TIGHT so reception will have cash bar....I am hearing complaints from people on this, how do I handle this? Also I was told I should tell guests before reception so they know to bring enough money - should I? Reception is at noon and I do not see that alcohol should be so important. But what can I say to people who complain so I sound NICE?

A It would be perfectly correct to have the groom's family pay the bar expense. As you said, the reception is at noon and you do not see that alcohol should be so important. You are correct in assuming that if it is a cash bar, you and the bride's family and friends need to spread the word.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Bar at Rehearsal Dinner
Q My fiance's parents are unable to pay for our rehearsal dinner, and so we are paying for the event ourselves. We've decided to host a casual event for everyone who might be in town early, because we'd like to have an additional chance to see our out of town guests before the big day. We've decided to host the event at the coffee shop where we had our first date and where my fiance proposed. They do serve alcohol there, but including an open bar will break our budget. I think that our friends and family will want to drink. Is it tacky to have a cash bar, if we provide food and a very special venue?

A No, it is not tacky to have a "cash bar"; however, you need to make that fact known so that by word of mouth and by putting "cash bar" on the invitation, guests can have a budget for that expense.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash for Wedding Gift
Q I am getting married and we do not want to register for gifts. We are adults with most of the things we need. We do however want to put a deck on our house. How do we ask for money for that project?

A Along with your wedding invitation include a separate card, that matches your wedding invitation, which might say, "In lieu of a present, a small check to be put towards building a deck on our house would be greatly appreciated."

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Gift
Q A couple with two of everything is getting married. Is there of way of saying "cash gift appreciated" or something on invitations?

A You might not want to say "cash gifts appreciated" on the invitation because you don't want to solicit for presents on your invitation. You might, however, enclose, a matching card that is basically your "At Home" card with your address on it. Then either write by hand or have printed: in lieu of a bridal registry, we would greatly appreciate a small check.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Gift Etiquette
Q I did not register anywhere and would like monetary gifts for my wedding. How will I word this to be included on or attached to the invitation properly?

A You would not want to solicit for gifts on your invitation. Along with your wedding invitation you can include an "At Home" card with the exact name that the check would be made out to, for instance, Janet and Henry Wilson, and on the next line your address. Some wedding couples include their telephone number and/or wedding website address. Underneath, you can add a line such as this: In lieu of a gift, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Gifts: When Money Goes Missing
Q We gave a $200 cash gift to the daughter of a very close friend for her wedding. We put two $100 bills in a sealed card and deposited it in the (seemingly secure) card "box" at the wedding. Our thank-you note arrived thanking us for the "$100 gift" so we are worried that someone else may have opened the cards and taken the other $100. Or it could be nothing more than a error made on the list when the gifts were opened. Should I say something to the bride? Or just let it go and assume they got the full amount of the gift?

A Tell your close friend exactly what you told me. You can even tell her I told you to bring it up with her because you're concerned that her daughter's "box" was compromised because she never got the amount you put in the "box."

For this very reason, I never recommend using a cash "box." Checks are better, bridal registries are best.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Instead of Present
Q Wedding invitations - how do you request gifts in the form of money?


A On a separate "At Home" card that matches the invitation in color and style and is enclosed with the invitation, you would have your name, address, and this sentence: In lieu of a bridal registry, a small check would be greatly appreciated; or you could say: Instead of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Only Gifts
Q For our wedding I would like to ask that the guests not bring gifts but cards and monetary gifts will gladly be accepted. How do I word this on an insert card for the invitation so it doesn't sound greedy or rude?

A You might use words such as these: To save you from having to shop, checks would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Cash Only Gifts
Q My daughter is from Kansas City, MO and is getting married in Wisconsin. How can I put in the wedding invitations that they would rather have money, do to the fact that they have to drive back to Mo and cannot fit a lot in the car.They pretty much have what they need already anyway.

A You might include a small white card that matches the wedding invitation which would say, "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated."

Wedding Etiquette: Cash to Engagement Party?
Q Do you take a gift or money to an engagement party? If so what is appropriate? Thanks

A In many cultures it is acceptable to give gifts of money at an engagement party; however, nowadays it is customary to look up the couple's wedding registry on-line and order a gift to be send to them at the address they have registered it to be sent. The amount of the cash gift or the cost of the present would depend upon what you can afford. Fifty dollars is a respectable amount to spend on a couple's engagement.

Wedding Etiquette: Casual in Las Vegas
Q If we are having a casual wedding in Las Vegas and an informal dinner afterwards, are we supposed to pay for the dinner? Also, if I am not having a wedding party, do we still give out gifts?

A If your wedding guests are going to great expense to fly to Las Vegas and stay in a hotel, you need to give them dinner but you do not need to give them gifts since there is no wedding party. If you cannot afford to give them dinner, you need to make it clear to them that the informal dinner afterwards is Dutch Treat (and everyone pays for their own food and drink), otherwise they might not budget the expense of their share of the dinner into their trip to Las Vegas.

Wedding Etiquette: Celebrating After the Fact
Q So is it ok for the Auntie to give the couple a bridal shower? Or is there some "rule" about a close relative not giving one? This is not really a bridal shower, but rather a reception after the marriage four months ago. What do we call it?

A Traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family. But having a cocktail party or cocktail buffet after the wedding trip is very proper, and right now quite trendy and chic. You can call it a cocktail buffet in honor of Mr.and Mrs. George Nelson, or Amanda and George Nelson. Or, if the bride is keeping her name, in honor of Amanda James and George Nelson. At any rate, you would ask them how they wish to be called on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Guests Not Invited to Reception
Q Is it OK to invite only some people from the wedding to the reception? How do you handle that?

A Let's put it this way, it is all right to have a small, private ceremony and a larger reception. The problem with inviting people just to fill up the empty pews in the church and not inviting them to the reception is that people at the ceremony always chitchat, and a reception guest will say, "We'll see you at the reception." Then the guest who has not been invited to the reception is embarrassed into saying, "We were not invited to the reception." You need to put yourself in the shoes of the people who were not invited to the reception. Also, some of the younger people who were only invited to the church might assume that they are automatically invited to the reception and go anyway, and, if your reception is seated, it will become a nightmare. You can do what is traditionally done still in England and have a short reception in the parish hall of the church with trays of drinks and tea sandwiches after the receiving line. Then you can still have your smaller dinner after that.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Program
Q If the wedding invitations have been printed and do not mention the groom's parents, how can it be noted who the parents of the groom are, if the mother has a different name from the groom? Some people may not recognize the groom's name when it is different from the mother's. Is it possible to slip a printed business-type card in the invitation noting that the groom is the son of - and use the mother's new name and the father's name? Any other ideas so friends of the mother will recognize who the groom is?

A The ceremony program is where you would list who's who. For instance, Mother of the Groom, Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens, Father of the Groom, Mr. William Henry Shakespeare.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony Seating Plan: Bride's Mother's Escort
Q If the bride's parents are divorced and her mother has a date or escort for the wedding, should this date or escort sit in the row with the mother during the ceremony or with the general guest population?

A It would depend upon the relationship the mother of the bride has with the bride's father and with her escort. If she is in a committed relationship or a relationship with a bit of history and they are established as a couple, even if they do not live together, then he might sit to the left of the bride's mother in her pew. Otherwise that seat would be taken by a son or a brother. Most brides of divorced parents, no matter which has remarried, want to look over at their parents' pew to see their parents sitting together. Even if they are no longer married, they are still her birth parents. If tensions are really bad, of course, this would not work. For the sake of the bride, the bride's parents need to act as her parents throughout the whole wedding. In this case, at the reception the bride's father would ask the bride's mother to dance before he dances with his new wife or date, but after he's danced with his daughter and before she dances with her escort or date. So: even if the birth father sits to the right of the mother in her pew, the escort or date might be seated to her left. It is the choice of the mother of the bride as to who shares her pew.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Divorced Parents of the Groom
Q When the mother and father of the groom are divorced but still good friends, do they walk down the aisle together or with their current spouse?

A Sorry, I am not sure if you are asking about to their pew or from their pew, so this might be more information than you need. Whether the groom's parents are divorced or not, an usher escorts the groom's mother up the aisle to the front right pew. Her husband, ex-husband, new husband, or partner follows with her family, who occupy the front right pews. The father of the groom's new family or partner would already be seated in the pews behind the groom's mother's pews. After the ceremony, the bride and groom's families follow the wedding couple back down the aisle in pairs. Who sits in the mother of the groom's pew and who walks her back down the aisle in the recessional is at the discretion of the mother of the groom. She can invite her ex-husband and his wife or partner to join her in her pew, or they can sit in the pew behind hers. Often if, say, the mother has not remarried, the father of the groom will sit in the mother of the groom's pew and the new partners will either sit with them or in one of the pews behind, depending upon how many other family members are seated in the pew; the overflow spreads to the pews behind the mother of the groom's pew. Nothing is more supportive to the children of divorce than to have their parents in the first pew; looking over and seeing them sitting together at their wedding is always a positive feeling. So, in answer to your question: no, the mother and father of the groom do not walk in the processional side by side, because all the women are escorted by ushers up the aisle. No matter the circumstance, the father of the groom would walk behind the mother of the groom. The father of the groom's new partner would have already been seated earlier by an usher. Even if they are divorced, the father of the groom often escorts the mother of the groom in the recessional back down the aisle after the ceremony, whether or not he was seated with her in her pew.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Readers: Family Filling in for Family
Q My niece has 2 aunts and 1 uncle that planned to attend her wedding. She asked the uncle to do a bible reading and he accepted. Unfortunately, due to a foot injury, he cannot attend the wedding and has notified our niece. About 3 weeks later, approximately 3 weeks before the wedding, she called and said since the uncle couldn't do the reading, would I do it. I felt very hurt/insulted that I was 2nd choice and feel she should have perhaps requested a friend, who wasn't aware of the circumstances, to do the reading. Am I wrong to feel this way? I wasn't able to find any info on this particular subject in my etiquette book.

A My dear, you should be pleased that you were asked to do the reading. At some point in time, your niece might have connected spiritually or intellectually with her uncle. It doesn't mean that she thinks any less of you, so you might want to keep that in mind.

With family, and especially at times such as this, go up the ladder and hear the call. Your niece respects you and is honoring you with a role that is very special to her and her fiance. Showing that you accept the role shows your spirituality. Please, don't look at this as a sleight, but rather as a very spiritual connection that you will share with your niece and her husband.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Seating
Q What is the seating arrangement for stepparents in a wedding?

A Traditionally, when blended families get along nicely the birth father sits in the mother of the bride's pew after he has escorted their daughter to the alter. Spiritually it is healthy for the bride to look over and see her birth parents seated side by side at this special time, if only briefly. The stepfather would be seated to the left of the birth mother, the birth father to the right of the mother. The bride's stepmother would have her own pew just after the bride's mother's immediate family pew(s). In a perfect world the groom's stepparents would sit in the groom's mother's pew with the groom's parents. If this isn't happening, because there should be no tension at a wedding, then the groom's stepmother would have the pew after the mother of the groom's immediate family's pew(s) for she and, say, her children by a previous marriage or her parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony: Seating: Stepmoms
Q What is the protocol for a wedding with a blended family for who walks down the aisle? I know the mother of the bride and groom's mother, but what about stepmoms, and where does everyone sit?

A The bride's birth mother has the pew closest to the altar on the left side of the church and the groom's birth mother has the first pew on the right side facing the altar. Who sits in the mothers' pews is at the discretion of the birth mother. Her new family might spill over into the pew behind hers, giving her a total of two, possibly three, pews. The father of the bride then has the next available pew after her pew(s). The father of the groom then has the next available pew after the mother of the groom's pew(s) for their families. The stepmother is seated before the mother of the groom. When you ask about everyone else, I need to know who everyone is? The father's new family and the stepmother's family from a prior marriage would sit with her in the pews behind her filling up as many pews are needed.

Wedding Etiquette: Children at Rehearsal Dinner
Q Are children invited to the rehearsal dinner?

A I am not a big fan of inviting children to grown-up parties. When children are put in a structured social event where the focus is on promoting interaction between grown-ups, they often become over stimulated and then we admonish them for being disruptive. If there are children coming from out of town for the wedding and there are close family relatives who are children, set an age of fourteen and older, or some such appropriate age suitable to the occasion, and stick to it. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to introduce the bride's family and the groom's family to each others' close family and friends with the focus on the bride and groom being the objective. The problem is that if you tell one parent he can bring his four-year-old, then it is very difficult to tell others their children cannot attend. Say that you will not be providing activities or child care for children under a certain age and hold fast to your boundary.

Wedding Etiquette: Children at the Reception
Q If it is an adult reception, how do you handle children who are in the wedding?

A Since I do not know the ages of the children or how many there will be, the time of the reception, or the level of formality of the wedding, I am unable to give you the perfect solution. Customarily, for the reception you would hire a babysitter, or babysitters, to care for the children in either a private home or a hotel room, where the children would have their own age appropriate party with pizza and ice cream and a movie. If the children can sit through a meal without leaving the table, meaning they are ten or older, you might organize a "children's" table at the reception so that they can get to know family members better and perhaps even do a little dancing. In the second scenario, you might have a responsible older teenager hired to be at the table to "watch" them.

Wedding Etiquette: Children Disinvited to Wedding
Q My family of 4 (children ages 13(girl) and a son(16)) were invited to a wedding where all of my children's friends are also invited. Now 5 days before the event, the husband-to- be calls and says their money is too tight so can we leave our children at home? (they are very prepared to be at this wedding, to the point my daughter has a hair appointment, and my son has taken off from his new job just to be there and feels special because others his age are also coming, and their invitations have not been rescinded.) The invitation came Dec. 30th. I immediately responded on Jan. 2, and now 5 days later we get this call. I personally find it to be in horrible taste and wonder if I should take my children to the wedding itself and then take them out for a lovely dinner? The only problem is they already know all their other friends will be at the reception; however, we have not told them of the phone call as of yet hoping the young couple will come to their senses and realize that the timing and the idea itself is RUDE1

A What a botched job. Unfortunately, if couples don't look at the big picture ahead of time, there are unhappy consequences. Do you know if the other children have been disinvited? You cannot assume that your children are the only children disinvited. You are totally correct, the behavior is rude; however, there are fire code laws and if more people accepted than the couple had anticipated, the couple may be under pressure from the management of the reception to stick to the numbers. The reception hall might lose their license and/or be heavily fined if the occupation limit is exceeded. The couple were naive in inviting more people than the facility can handle and so logically they are asking people not to bring children. Proper etiquette is based on consideration, compassion and compromise so let's cut the naive bride and groom a bit of slack here, ask permission to take your children to the wedding and then take them out to dinner afterwards. You need not go into the whole hairdresser's appointment with the couple because appointments can always be broken. Use this as a learning experience by teaching children about the consequences of not planning and looking at the big picture. Do not take this slight personally because it has nothing to do with your children.

Wedding Etiquette: Children Guests at Weddings
Q We are having a large reception and the country club we are having it at only holds 300 people but the tent that is attached holds 500. We are having a sit-down dinner and thought about having NO children at all but it is too difficult to leave them out as some of the groom's first cousins are children but the bride's first cousins are married with children. Either way there are going to be children there. Because there are more adults coming than children, we are having the sit-down dinner for adults in the tent and the buffet for the children in the club house. To remedy this dilemma, we thought we could invite all of the bride's cousins' young children by having the kids eat dinner in the club house and have a couple of older girls supervise them. How can we word the reply card so that parents of children will understand that they can bring their children but there will be separate seating? In addition, if their young children are not old enough to sit in that area away from their moms, ex: 1 - 4-year-olds, how can we handle that? Do we not invite the younger than 4- year-olds at all? It's a very difficult situation we are in. We don't plan on inviting children of other guests at all; it is just the immediate family and their kids but the numbers are still around 85 children. Shall we have 2 different reply cards made up? Insert the one that includes children in the invitations for those family members who have children and insert a reply card for those whose children we aren't inviting worded " number of adults attending ??Please advise. Thank you

A It sounds as if you are hosting a "formal" wedding, which might mean you are using a second envelope inside the outside envelope in which to enclose the invitation. If you are using an inside envelope, under the parents' names (Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton) on the envelope you might write the first names (John, Amanda, and Alice) of the children you are inviting. That allows you to leave out the names of the children who are too young or too immature to handle the stimulation. At the shower and through word of mouth, get the word out that because the wedding is so large you are not inviting children under the age of four, and if they attend, they will be seated in the clubhouse with babysitters and not in the tent where the grownups will be seated by place card. You might also spread the word that you can only accommodate the children of close family. Your plan to send out two different response cards is brilliant. You did not tell me if you are using place cards; if you are, if the place card is just for the table or for the seat, too. If everyone has an assigned seat, then you need to make that clear on the response card. You might find that some parents will opt not to bring young children that are unruly because they want to enjoy themselves at the wedding; you might find that people will bring children you have not invited. Setting, establishing and being consistent about boundaries is important for everyone. You will need to get an accurate count because you will need to have enough older girls to handle the younger children, perhaps one older girl for two little ones, as they tend to run around and when they hear the music, they will want to dance. You might want to ask some of the parents to bring their own babysitter to the reception. Yes, have two different reply cards, one for Adults Only, the other for Families with Children Four and Up.

Wedding Etiquette: Children of the Bridal Party at the Reception
Q We have children in the bridal party and are having an adult only reception. We want these children at the reception. Is this OK?

A Yes, it is fine to have children at the reception but if they are young, you would want to have one person in charge of every two children. When small children attend large grown-up parties, they tend to get overstimulated from the music and cake and they end up either hogging the dance floor or howling.

Wedding Etiquette: Children's Names on Envelope
Q 1) Do I send invitations to the clergymen, photographer, etc.? 2) I'm using a single envelope invitation. How do I address families? Do I write: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family or do I need to write children's names out?

A 1) As a formality it is customary to send an invitation to the clergyman and his wife, the priest or whomever is officiating.
2) It is not necessary to send one to the photographer because you will be in contact with his office during the the planning of the wedding.
3) On the outside envelope you would write Mr. and Mrs. John Doe; however, on the inside envelope that has not been sealed, you write Mr. and Mrs. Doe and then underneath you write the first names of the children: Alice, Simon, and Winston. Yes, you do need to write out the names of the children; however, if any of the children are eighteen or older they should be sent their own invitation. If there is no second envelope inside, you can write the children's names under the parents' on the outside envelope. It is important to know exactly how many people are attending, so that when Mrs. Doe sends in her RSVP, she can tell you that she is accepting for just Alice and Simon (because Winston is staying home with the sitter).

Wedding Etiquette: China or Paper Plates
Q I will be getting married in a year and half. I am currently just pricing caterers, but should all the guests eat on china or just the wedding party?

A My dear, you simply cannot have some of your guests eating off paper plates while you and your groom dine on china.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing One Bridesmaid
Q Who should I ask to be my bridesmaid?

A You typed "bridesmaid" so I assume you are having one bridesmaid. She might be your very best friend in the whole world, and if that person is also your sister, fabulous. If you are close to your sister, ask her. If your cousin or mother is your best friend, ask her; whomever you are closest to.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing Wedding Colors
Q I'm getting married in Orlando in May and I can't decide what time of the day to get married. I bought a fitted long strapless dress that I know will work for either the morning or afternoon but I don't know what my guest will be most comfortable with. It's going to be an outside wedding ceremony and with the hot weather in May in Orlando, I don't know if I should get married at 11:00 am or at 4:00pm. Can you help? Also I need help deciding a color for the bridesmaid dress color for this time of the year.

A Four o'clock would work better for most of your guests and for the dress. A morning wedding doesn't call for a long fitted dress strapless dress.

Usually the wedding couple decides the wedding colors and the theme of those colors is carried throughout the wedding in the color of not only the bridesmaids' dresses, but the groom's tie or boutonnieres, the ushers' ties and boutonnieres, the bride and her bridesmaids' bouquets and the church and reception decorations, as well as the engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner and post-wedding brunch. These days some wedding invitations are in the wedding couple's colors.

Traditionally, a dark handsome male color is paired with the bride's favorite color, or the wedding couple mutually agrees on their two favorite colors. For instance, if either of your eyes are blue or green, then you might choose either blue or green as one of your wedding colors. Since I don't know your coloring or lifestyle, this is a personal style decision that only the two of you can make.

As yours is a spring wedding, you might want to choose spring colors, whereas for a wedding in the fall, you might lean towards the earthy fall colors, and during the holidays either red and green or blue and silver.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing Where to Host the Rehearsal Dinner
Q If the groom's parents are responsible for the rehearsal dinner, do they pick the place or do the bride and groom?

A The bride and groom should sit down with the groom's parents and talk about how many people are in the wedding party, how many are coming from out of town, and how many they ideally think they need to invite to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is given primarily to feed guests from out of town and family members the night before the wedding, as well as the wedding party. However, if the groom's parents want to host a more inclusive party, it is their prerogative.

Once the number of invitees has been decided upon then the bride and groom can offer suggested locations to the groom's parents and the groom's parents can make suggestions, too. If the bride and groom are especially attached to a hotel, restaurant or club, they could suggest to the groom's parents that they meet there for a meal to make their decision. You may try several locations before you all agree where to hold the rehearsal dinner and how expensive the dinner per person will be. The party will work best if all four of you are a part of the process.

Wedding Etiquette: Choosing Your Best Brother
Q When you have two brothers, how do you choose which to be your best man? Can you have both? Help

A The best man is chosen carefully and he should be a bachelor but not necessarily so. He serves a vital role so choosing someone who is reliable and who has good organizational skills is hugely important. He will need to be in the loop with the wedding plans as they progress.

The best man is in charge of the ushers at the church and is in charge of seating the guests. The best man confers with the toastmaster about the timing of the speeches, the cake-cutting and the departure of the bride and groom. If there is no toastmaster, he is responsible for lining up the toasts and speeches. He is also in charge of the bridegroom's bachelor party. The day of the wedding ceremony, he makes sure all the groom's clothes are in sight and that the wedding ring is in his possession. He might be responsible for paying the clergy and having the bride and groom's travelling clothes, luggage, tickets and transportation ready for their departure. He makes sure the groom eats before the wedding and keeps an eye him throughout.

In other words, the best man is chosen to watch the groom's back, to get him to the church on time. If one of your brothers is more responsible and better organized than the other, go with the one you can count on at this important time in your life. If you still can't decide, ask the clergy if you can have both and divide the duties. Whatever you do, don't leave the brother you don't choose out of the picture. Give him important tasks, too. If you still can't choose, flip a coin in front of them and make it their call.

Wedding Etiquette: Church Etiquette
Q Is it appropiate to get married in a church when you are not a member of that church?

A Most churches encourage marriage and, therefore, if you are not a member, they will invite you to have your marriage in the church for a fee. Aside from the fee, you will have to go through the normal counseling that the parishioners are required to have before they are married. Usually the wedding couple will meet with the rector who will give them a worksheet which they return to the rector at the follow-up visit. The number of visits depends upon the rules of that particular church.

Wedding Etiquette: Civil and Church Ceremonies Wedding Couple
Q My fiance and I have selected a wedding date in September and have made much of the plans (including bridal party, dress, reception site and invitations). He recently lost his job and health insurance and we would like to marry in a civil ceremony as soon as possible so that he can sign on to my health insurance. Attending the civil ceremony would be only our parents and siblings. Would we still be able to move forward with the plans we have made for September (church wedding and reception) and change the wedding to a blessing or vow renewal?

A This is a question that you might also want to ask your clergyman. There is no reason in my book why you cannot get married in a church and have a nice reception following a civil ceremony. However, you need to check with your clergyman about this, too, because if your father, for instance, "gives you away" in the civil ceremony, he cannot "give you away" a second time in the church because he has already given you away. However, if the civil ceremony does not include "who gives this woman in matrimony," or words to that effect, and your father does not give you away at the ceremony, he can, of course, still walk you down the aisle of your church and give you away. Civil ceremonies differ from state to state and often from town to town, so you will have to ask the officiate about this. Churches differ on this issue from denomination to denomination, so you will have to ask your own clergyman and abide by what he says. I don't see any reason why you cannot be married in a civil ceremony now and later in a church ceremony because it is done in Europe all the time. In Europe you usually have to have both, so I cannot imagine that you cannot do this, but your officiates are your final word.

Wedding Etiquette: Civil Ceremony
Q In a civil ceremony in front of a justice of the peace, how does the ceremony begin??? Does the bride walk down an "aisle"??? What should I wear?

A Would you please go back to my Web site and ask the question again giving me more details. For instance, is the ceremony at home, in a hotel, in a justice of the peace office? I would be happy to help solve your problems, but I need to know the specifics.

www.newportmanners.com

Many thanks, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Civil Ceremony + Church Wedding Present(s)
Q A friend had a civil wedding in Nov 2005. They had a grand reception. I did not attend but I sent a gift. In May 2006, they are planning a church wedding and a reception--last I heard it may be held like backyard barbeque. This time, I will attend. Should I give a wedding gift again? If so, any suggestions?

A If you are a close friend of the wedding couple, you might be invited to all sorts of wedding events, including showers and receptions, but no matter how many of these events you are invited to, you are only required to send two gifts total---no matter how many you attend. Since I do not know the strength or length of your relationship or your socioeconomic background, I cannot recommend that you send a second present. It sounds as if you have done your share by sending the one gift. Perhaps if you look up the wedding couple's bridal registry through the wedding channel on the Internet, you might find a present that they have chosen and you can afford to have sent to their registered address. On the other hand, if you only attend one reception, you need only send one nice gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Clergyman's Fee
Q How much money should you give the priest that marries you?

A It would depend upon the church. Why not telephone the liaison at the church who tends to the church schedule, specifically the person who is your contact for your wedding, and ask her what the "current" fee is. Rural and urban churches have different sized budgets and expenses, for instance such a service at a big city church would be higher than at a small country chapel. Then you might add on a bit if the clergyman gave private time to the couple before the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Cocktails to Celebrate a Wedding: Gift Etiquette
Q I received an invitation for cocktails honoring the marriage of: Should I take a gift?

A Nowadays, guests go online to the wedding couple's bridal registry and send a gift to their home. That way gift cards don't get mixed up and you have a record it was delivered. You do not necessarily have to give a gift. If you were not invited to the wedding, and this is an after the fact celebration, then you don't need to send a wedding present. On the other hand, if you want to sustain the relationship, you should at the very least send a card or handwritten note of congratulations to the wedding couple. If you are moved to do so, at the cocktail party you can ask either the wedding couple or one of their close friends the name of the online bridal registry. There are quite a few, theknot.com, for instance, will link you to a list of stores where they are registered. The bridal registry will have gifts in all different price ranges; it is not so much about how much you spend as about giving the wedding couple something they need and want.

Wedding Etiquette: Colored Gift Wrap
Q Are bright colors appropriate for the gift wrap for wedding presents?

A Yes, the more original and creative the gift wrap, the more thought put into the gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Combined Wedding + Baby Shower
Q Can you have a wedding and baby shower at the same time?

A Yes, you can have a combined wedding and baby shower: however, you might want to make it clear to the guests that they need only bring one gift. So: pick your theme and be consistent. Also, you need to remember that only guests invited to the wedding are invited to the shower. I get lots of complaints from shower guests saying, "Why should I go to the shower, if I have not been invited to the wedding?" So: you need to check the shower guest list against the wedding guest list and not invite anyone that is not on the wedding guest list to the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Congratulating the Wedding Couple's Engagement
Q Is it appropriate to congratulate a bride-to-be upon her engagement?

A It is appropriate to congratulate a bride, and a groom, on their engagement but not together. For instance, you would send separate cards of congratulations. You congratulate them individually until their wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Contacting Guests Who Don't RSVP
Q Is it appropriate to contact invited guests that do not resopnd to wedding invitations with a RSVP card included?

A Yes, it is entirely appropriate. Telephone or email the tardy would-be guests saying you need an accurate count for the caterer and hope they are planning on attending. If you just get a voice mail, ask them to send in their RSVP card or telephone you within twenty-four hours. Leave the date, time of your message, and your phone number because not all voicemail provide such information.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Bridal Party Clothing
Q What would the proper etiquette be concerning the bride and groom paying for the rental of the bridesmaid's gowns and the best men's tuxedos?

A Customarily, the bridesmaids, best man, ushers, and groomsmen pay for the rental or cost of their own clothes; however, the dress code, meaning the style of their dress or tuxedo, is chosen by the wedding couple. Often a bridesmaid or best man is still in school or unemployed and cannot afford the cost of the dress or tuxedo so: the wedding couple might cover that cost out of a small discretionary fund set up specifically to cover such expenses as rentals, airfare, and hotel accommodations to make it possible for all members of their bridal party to participate in the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Bridal Shower Gift
Q How much should I spend on a bridal shower gift?


A I do not know how much you can afford to pay, nor do I know how much the bride's needs. Brides understand that the more gifts that are expected of the wedding guests at pre-wedding events, the more watered down the gifts become. Since I do not know how much you can afford, I can only suggest a range of $25 to $100. No matter how many pre-wedding events you attend, you are only required to give two gifts total: an engagement or shower gift and a wedding gift. So: if you have budgeted spending a total of $150 on the wedding couple, you might spend $50 for a shower gift and $100 for a wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Dress When Matron of Honor Is Fired
Q Does a matron of honor get reimbursed for her dress if she is fired by the bride?

A It might depend upon why the matron of honor was fired. If the matron of honor asked to be excused, then she would be responsible for the cost of her dress. If the bride had good cause to ask the matron of honor to step down from the job, then the bride and matron of honor need to discuss sharing the cost of the dress, if the dress cannot be recycled to the new matron of honor.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Presents
Q How much are you supposed to spend on a wedding present? If it is a really nice wedding. do you have to spend more? If you're a couple, do you spend more? My friends and I are always debating how much we need to spend for shower, engagement and wedding presents.

A In Newport, the formula is fairly easy. You can usually determine the extravagance of a party by the invitation. Determine how much is being spent per guest: $25 for a shower, fifty for a cocktail buffet engagement party and a hundred for a six o'clock wedding and that's what one should spend on the present. The rehearsal dinner is really a thank-you dinner to the bridal party and does not require a gift, but a thank-you note to the groom's parents is always appreciated. In a situation where there are three parties, engagement, shower, and wedding, you can send one expensive present from their gift registry or three small gifts, also from their registry. If they have been kind enough to allow you to bring a date, the date does not have to send a present, but you should acknowledge their kindness in your thank-you note to the parents. If you cannot afford this formula, do not worry because it is not a big deal; you won't be the only one. A small present from the couple's registry and a heartfelt thank-you note to the parents is all that is required. The wedding families understand the expense a guest incurs in attending, especially if they come from out-of-town. It is better to send a brief thank-you note than no thank-you note, but don't agonize over them. If the wedding gifts are from a married couple and you can afford it, double the cost for the present. In a case where four members of your family are attending the wedding, you can split that cost in half.

Wedding Etiquette: Cost of Wedding Gift
Q My husband says a wedding gift should be equivalent to the cost of our seats at the reception. Is this true or what is the rule for wedding "gifts"?

A Your husband is correct; however, people are sophisticated enough to know that some people are richer than others and the gift will reflect such. It goes without saying, if an engagement present and a shower present were purchased for the bride and groom, they would not expect an expensive wedding gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Couple Wants Cash Instead of Presents
Q My name is Matthew, I am 24, and really need some etiquette advice immediately. My fiancee, Amanda who is 21, and I are getting married this year, for both of us it's our first and God willing our only time. We are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon right after the reception. We have both been on a very tight budget to be able to afford both the wedding and the honeymoon expecially since neither set of parents volunteered to help us with any of the costs. We are currently putting together our ivitations to be sent out and this includes the little cards that state where we have a gift registry at, which happens to be only at one place. We would also like to be able to put a comment on the registry cards to let everyone know that we are going to Hawaii and that any donation towards that trip would be greatly appreciated. But at the same time we don't want to make it seem like we are requiring gifts. Is there any way we could word such a statement and not offend anyone? The last thing we want to do is make anyone feel like they have to bring a gift, even though we would GREATLY appreciate a cash "donation" not only on the trip but for the future, too. I have already looked through your website's FAQ and did not see anything that could help me with this. Please help. Thank you.

A You have two options. On the little card that you say you are enclosing, you might say instead "In lieu of presents, money towards our honeymoon and future would be greatly appreciated." Or, you can say that and also list the registry.

Wedding Etiquette: Co-worker Is Only One Not Invited
Q MY DAUGHTER AND I WORK IN THE SAME OFFICE AND SHE IS GETTING MARRIED THIS SPRING. THERE IS ONE LADY IN THE OFFICE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO INVITE TO HER WEDDING OR SHOWER. THEY ARE FRIENDLY BUT THE CO-WORKER PRACTICES A DIFFERENT RELIGION THAT MAKES MY DAUGHTER UNCOMFORTABLE. I TOLD HER SHE CAN'T NOT INVITE THIS CO-WORKER SINCE SHE IS INVITING EVERYONE ELSE AND SHE DISAGREES. I DON'T WANT HER TO REGRET THIS LATER.

A This is your daughter's wedding and she should be able to invite whomever she wishes. She should not be guilt tripped into inviting someone who makes her uncomfortable. However, she might feel even more uncomfortable when she has to look the co-worker in the eye day after day everyday knowing that the co-worker knows she is the only one in the office who was not invited to the wedding. If the co-worker covers for her while she is on her honeymoon, your daughter will regret even more not inviting her. Sometimes the chemistry between two people is as bad as trying to mix oil and water. As much as I hate to see your daughter back herself into a corner, it sounds as if she has made her decision and is going to stick to it. Like all of us who have learned life's lessons the hard way, we hadn't thought about the consequences of our behavior.

Wedding Etiquette: Dad + Stepdad Walk Bride Up Aisle
Q I am the mother of the bride and am remarried for 27 years. The stepfather raised my daughter. The father of the bride is also remarried. He has never been there for my daughter her entire life. Therefore, our question is this: the mother of the bride is seated in the front row on the bride's side, and the stepfather sits next to her after he walks the bride to the altar. Where does the father of the bride and the stepmother of the bride sit? The second row seems more appropriate. Also, the biological father is walking the bride half way down the aisle and the stepfather who raised her is walking her the rest of the way. How does the biological father get to his seat without it being awkward? Should a middle row be kept clear for him to scoot through and he reaches his row up another aisle?

A The biological parents sit together because when the bride looks over on her special day she needs to see her parents sitting side by side. The stepparents are seated in the pew directly behind the biological parents. The stepmother would already be seated with a space next to her for the stepfather to sit next to the aisle. The stepfather would walk his wife, the mother, to her seat and they would be the last people seated before the processional begins; the stepfather would be seated closest to the aisle. When the father walks the bride up the aisle, he stops at the stepfather's pew where he is already standing, the stepfather takes her arm and walks her up the rest of the way and the father enters the pew and stands next to the bride's mother. After the stepfather turns the bride over to the groom, he returns to the pew behind the bride's parents and sits with the stepmother. Alternatively, both men might walk the bride up the aisle, each taking an arm with the flower girl or maid of honor carrying her bouquet, and returning to the pew where their wives are already standing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dad Wants Ex-Wife Recognized at Daughter's Wedding
Q My 23 yr-old daughter will be married in May. She is not close to my ex's wife and doesn't consider her a stepmother. How is she seated at the wedding and how is she listed in the bulletin? My ex wants her to be recognized. He will be walking my daughter down the aisle.

A Why would your husband's ex-wife be seated at the parents' table? Why would she be listed in the bulletin? She is not legally connected to the family. It is your daughter's call. It is her wedding; unless she is giving a blessing, there would be no reason. If she is so moved, your daughter might have her invited to her bridal and/or wedding shower. Her dad's ex-wife has been invited to the wedding, you have done your duty towards her. Unless she is paying for all or part of the cost of the wedding, why would she be listed in the bulletin?

Wedding Etiquette: Date of Bridal Shower
Q If a person is getting married and they want a shower, does the bride have the right to tell the attendants when the shower is to be given?

A The bride and the attendants would decide upon a mutually agreeable date for the shower. The bride might suggest four or five dates and hope that everyone was available for one of them.

Wedding Etiquette: Deadbeat Dad and Wedding Invitation
Q How do we word our invitation with divorced parents and one of the parents who is not involved (very little communication). We want to include the names of the parents that are helping financially and emotionally. Is the invitation an announcement of parents or who is actually giving the wedding?

A I am sorry but you may have asked the wrong etiquette consultant. The wedding invitation is all about the bride's parents giving their daughter away in marriage to Mr. Such-and-Such. The groom's family's names do not belong on the invitation. Weddings are not about the "booty" or who pays out more financially and emotionally. The birth parents give their daughter away in marriage. If the birth dad really has been out of the picture forever, then omit his name. If the bride's stepfather has been more or a dad than her deadbeat dad, then by all means let him give her away in marriage with the bride's mother. The parents of the groom are acknowledged when they send out invitations to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Everyone will know who they are by their invitation. Remember the wedding invitation is not the mode to promote this parent or that; it is all about the wedding couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Dealing with Guests Who Bring Guests
Q My daughter is getting married and having a formal dinner, sent out invitation with rsvp, response people are sending back if mr& mrs number coming is mark 3; how do you handle this situation?

A Telephone the person who responds with a three when only two were invited, and say it is a seated dinner and you are unable to accommodate anyone who was not sent an invitation. If they say it is a child, tell them you will not be accommodating children. You need to keep your boundaries because the space you have hired by law can only legally seat a specific amount of people; if violated they will be fined and possibly shut down. Tell the invitee that they only have two seats total. You need to be consistent because if you let one couple bring a third person, you will not have enough seats or enough food and the party might possibly be shut down.

Wedding Etiquette: Deceased Parent on Invitation?
Q Is it proper for a wedding invitation to include persons who have passed away as part of the announcement for the wedding? Also, what is the purpose/history of the bride's veil? What does it represent?

A The wedding invitation is traditionally an invitation from the parent(s) of the bride to attend the marriage of their daughter. Excuse me but how can a deceased person invite someone to their daughter's wedding? There is an opportunity to announce the name(s) of the deceased parent(s) in the wedding announcement that is sent to the newspapers. I am sorry for your loss.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding + Expenses for Guests
Q Who is responsible for paying for the lodging and airfare of the guests for a destination wedding? (the bride and groom are paying for this wedding)

A If the bride and groom have not chartered a plane for the trip or offered to pay for your ticket, guests are responsible for their own airfare. Usually the bride and groom reserve a block of rooms for their wedding guests at a reduced rate, which guests would be responsible for, if it has not been stated otherwise. You might ask the bride and groom exactly what arrangements have been made for guests. Often if a favorite childhood friend, younger brother, or best man cannot afford to pay for his own expenses, he might find that the bride and groom have put aside money in their budget to cover such expenses.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding + Showers
Q My son is getting married and having a destination wedding in Jamaica, the bride is from another state, my friends want to give a shower called "all around the house shower", there has been no engagement party; would it be appropriate to combine the two into one event? If an engagement party is given, who is responsibe for it, the bride's parents or groom's parents or both?

A Traditionally, the wedding couple's parents share the responsibilities. The bride's family hosts the engagement party to introduce the two families to their closest friends; the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner to introduce the bridal party, close family and friends, and out-of-town guests the night before the wedding; the bride's family hosts the wedding; the groom's family pays for the wedding trip. Tops, there might be two showers: one girlie bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids for the bride; one coed cocktail party shower for the wedding couple, often a bar and/or kitchen shower.

Customarily, guests who are invited to an engagement party and/or shower are also invited to attend the actual wedding. However, I receive lots of bitter complaints from guests who say, "Why should I go to the shower, if I am not invited to the wedding?" As you can see, it is a bit of a tease to buy a present for the wedding couple only to find out at the shower that they have not been invited to the wedding.

In your particular situation, where your son is having a destination wedding, the bride's family would host an engagement party at which time family and friends would be told of the wedding plans and asked to notify the wedding couple if they would like to attend the destination wedding in Jamaica. Then after the newlyweds return from Jamaica, the groom's family, or a friend, might host a post-wedding party to celebrate the marriage.

The problem is twofold: no matter how the wedding plays out, it is very tacky for family members to solicit gifts for the wedding couple; friends and family who are not invited to the wedding, or who are invited to the wedding but do not attend, are not required to give a present.

The solutions is this: the bride and groom create their own wedding Web site that includes the wedding plans and photos of the couple that are updated after each event which helps to keep family and friends in the wedding loop. On this Web site there is a click-on for Wedding Registry, which allows friends and family to access that information voluntarily. If they do not set up their own wedding Web site, then they might register on the Internet through the wedding channel. By word of mouth, the word will get out where the wedding registries are located.

So, the short answer is this: traditionally, it is not appropriate to have a shower that includes guests who are not invited to the actual wedding. Therefore, call it an engagement party. If the bride's family cannot host an engagement party, then the groom's family, or a friend, might host an engagement party for the wedding couple. However, you might want to try to make it easy for some of the bride's family to attend, perhaps by asking your closest friends to put them up for the night and possibly pick them up at the airport or train station.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Etiquette
Q My daughter is getting married in six months and it is a destination wedding with a limited guest list. Are we as the parents of the bride expected to give a party to introduce them? If we are, is it before or after the wedding?

A You could handle this one of two ways, or do both. You could host an engagement party within the next four months or you can host, say, a cocktail buffet when the newlyweds return from their wedding trip. Or you can do both. The invitation guests list can even be different. But remember that you would only invite people to the engagement party who are also being invited to the destination wedding. To the after-wedding party, you can invite anybody.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Etiquette: Gifts
Q What etiquette is there pertaining to wedding gifts, if attending a destination wedding?

A Nowadays, no matter what kind of an wedding, the guests would send a gift from the bridal registry to the registered address, unless the wedding couple's invitation said something such as, "In lieu of a gift, your presence is your gift to us."

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding Guest Pays for Guest's Travel
Q If I invite a date to a destination wedding, should I pay for his travel expenses?

A If you are trying to figure out how to broach the subject of who is going to pay for his airline tickets, you might say: I want to make our travel arrangements, do you have any airline miles you can use? That gives him the chance to chime in to tell you if he is planning on paying his travel expenses, or thinks that you are. As you know, when you invite someone to do something with you, such as attend a destination wedding, the invitee assumes that certain expenses will be covered and that he will be responsible for the rest. For instance, perhaps, if he has airline miles, he might get the tickets and you might pay for the hotel. Most savvy guys know that when they accept such a lovely invitation as this, they will be expected to pay their share.

However, if it is a new relationship and you do not know if he can afford to contribute to the cost of the trip, you might have to make the arrangements and hope that he will offer to reimburse you. As you know, in a relationship there is give and take and it all evens out over time or it doesn't.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: After-Wedding Brunch: Invitation List
Q Could you please give me information about what is expected at an after-wedding brunch/lunch, i.e. is the entire guest list asked (it is a destination wedding) or is it all right to invite just the family and wedding party; how elaborate is the party?


A When there is an evening wedding, the out-of-town guests from the night before generally stay the night, so for them, a breakfast or brunch is a lovely send-off. As this is a destination wedding, most of the guests will be from out-of-town and they will be wanting to head for home directly after breakfast or brunch. That means they will not be expecting, or even want, a seated breakfast or lunch, or to drink much alcohol, if any. Having checked our of their hotels, they will be in their travel clothes, so it will a relaxed time to get a bite to eat before hitting the road. You might have pitchers of Bloody Marys or Mimosas, as well as orange juice and a coffee urn, for people to pour for themselves. If you are having the breakfast or brunch catered, you might have an omelet station on the buffet, and guests can choose from an assortment of bagels, muffins, bacon, and sausage. If you choose to do the food yourself, you could order lots of quiche, green salad and fruit salad, and let people help themselves. Another alternative is to host a Picnic Lunch Sandwich Buffet with assorted sandwiches and wraps that people would eat quickly or could take with them on the run, if they are, say, catching a plane: Grilled cChicken cCaesar Wrap, Roast Beef with Horseradish Mayonnaise, Proscuitto, Mozzarella, Tomato and Basil on Foccacia Bread, Roast Turkey with Swiss Cheese, and Tuna Salad on a Brioche Bun, accompanied by pickles, olives, Dijon Mustard and mayonnaise. For dessert you could have plates of cookies and brownies set out.

You would invite the bridal party and their families, other close family, and out-of-town guests. The problem with a destination wedding is that guests are more apt to bond over the events and, say, ask another guest if he or she is going to the brunch the next day. So you should probably set a boundary and only invite the bridal families and close family, or include all the out-of- town guests. Not everyone you invite will come, because people will have trains and planes to catch and miles to go before they sleep. Even if two-thirds of the guests show up, they probably won't stay for longer than an hour. Don't forget, some guests might even sleep through breakfast. On the invitation you would invite guests to come between, say, ten and twelve noon, or nine and eleven, or eleven and one o'clock. By setting a tight boundary, you can stop serving at the appointed hour, because that was the extent of the invitation. There is no need for expensive wines and champagne, because your guests are on the move.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: After-Wedding Party
Q My fiance and I are getting married in St. Lucia by ourselves. I'm torn; so many family and friends ask us if we will be having a party when we get home. Is it really proper to have a "wedding party" without inviting people to our wedding? I don't want people to think I'm tacky or asking for handouts. Please advise. Thank you so much. Lisa Christopher

A It is perfectly proper and very chic, by the way, to have an after-wedding party after you return from St. Lucia. As you know, because the after-wedding party guests were not invited to the wedding, they would not be expected to give you a wedding gift. However, you can fill out a bridal registry at a local store and through word of mouth, when friends and family ask, you can let people know where you are registered. There is nothing wrong with saying, "So many people have asked where we are registered and asked us to register that we thought we should just go ahead and register to make it easier for them." Nevertheless, you would not insert bridal registry cards or information on the invitation. Here are a couple of examples of how the invitation might be worded, as I don't know who would be hosting the after-wedding party you and your husband, your parents, or friends. Substitute your own information and center the lines on the invitation:

Lisa Charlotte Christopher
Charles Stuart Dickens
have the honor of announcing
their recent marriage in St. Lucia
and in celebration
request the pleasure of your company
at a Cocktail Buffet
on Saturday, July 21st
from six until eight o'clock
684 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP 000-000-0000

If your parents are hosting the party, then they would be doing the inviting:

Mr. and Mrs. Henry George Christopher
have the honor of announcing
the recent marriage of their daughter
Lisa Charlotte
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on St. Lucia, February 14th, 2007
and request the pleasure of your company
at an After-Wedding Reception (or "Cocktail Buffet")
etc.

Or, if friends are hosting:

Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Lisa Charlotte Christopher
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
etc.

Or, when all those being invited know the newlyweds:

Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail buffet (or after-wedding reception)
in honor of
Lisa and Charles Dickens
etc.

I like the term "Cocktail Buffet" as opposed to "Reception" because it takes it away from the "reception" commonly held immediately following the wedding ceremony. A "Cocktail Buffet" would be a cocktail party with hors d'oeuvres and small hors d'oeuvres plates at several feeding stations that allow for grazing, as opposed to having a seated dinner. You most certainly can have a seated dinner or dinner dance given in your honor, or you can host it yourselves. Even a brunch or luncheon would be appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Guest Gift
Q I am part of and attending my girlfreind's wedding in Mexico. Both my husband and I are attending and it is quite costly. I am unsure if I am still supposed to get her a wedding gift even though I am paying almost $3000 to attend and also holding the shower?

A Is your question that you are wondering if you still have to give your friend a wedding present? If you don't give her a present, you need to illustrate why. Perhaps you can take photos from the shower and stagette and arrange them in a nice little album and label the photos with the date and names of the guests. She will then be reminded of all that you have done and also have the memories recorded. If that is not your style, you could do a video. If you remind people gently of what you have done, they will understand that you have done all that you can do and that is the best that any of us can do.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Las Vegas With Reception at Home
Q We're having a wedding in Las Vegas, where the bride and groom are currently living, and a reception in Kentucky, where the groom's parents live. Do we send invitations to all in both states and an RSVP card for the wedding or out- of-state reception or an invitation to those in Las Vegas and family in Kentucky and an announcement to those in Kentucky with an invitation to the reception? We really don't know how to do this without people feeling like they are not invited to the wedding (hich really they aren't due to limited seating at the venue).

A What you have to realize is that as cool as a Las Vegas wedding is, unless the guest knows you really well, he/she won't go to the expense of attending the ceremony, especially if your reception doesn't immediately follow the ceremony in Las Vegas.

You can do this as an announcement of the ceremony with an invitation to the reception and invite by phone those whom you want to attend the ceremony; or you can send an invitation to all the reception guests and include a smaller ceremony card with the details of the ceremony to those whom you want to witness the wedding.

What I don't know is who is hosting the wedding. Since this is a thoroughly modern wedding, I'm not listing hosts/parents here. But please do get back to me, if you want this worded with the various parents as hosts. These lines would be centered on a white card.

Jennifer Miranda Greene
William Parker Wilson
have the honour to announce
their marriage
Saturday, the tenth of May
Las Vegas, Nevada
and
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage reception
six o'clock on Sunday, the tenth of May
1256 Mountain View Road
Middletown, Kentucky
Reply card enclosed

The Reply card would be for the reception and would therefore include the address of the reception.

If this doesn't work for you, please let me know the details you need included.

Alternatively, you would send out an invitation to the reception and include a ceremony card to those being invited to the ceremony; you would center these lines on a smaller card:

Ceremony
Saturday, the tenth of May
at four o'clock
The Wedding Chapel
1600 Main Street
Las Vegas, Nevada

Remember, with the guests to the ceremony, you will need to include such information as choices of accommodation, transportation, etc.

In my opinion, you can get a lot of this done simply with a wedding website where guests can get all the information they need with a couple of clicks.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Mother of the Groom
Q I am the mother of the groom. I am invited to the bridesmaid's brunch--hosted by the mother of the bride. Do I give gifts to the bride and mother?
Can I ask to have the invitation extended to the guests, aunts and cousins?
This is a destination wedding. We are helping with the wedding expenses---do we also give a wedding gift to the bride and groom? What is proper attire for the grandmother of the groom? She's 83.



A No, you do not need to bring gifts for the bride and her mother to the brunch. Later you can send the mother a thank-you note thanking her for the brunch.

Why don't you pick up the phone and ask the mother of the bride if the groom's aunts and cousins are invited to the brunch? If she says, no, because of space considerations or whatever, thank her and drop the issue. If she says, yes, then each one of those women should send the mother of the bride a thank-you note for the brunch when they get home.

What you might not know about the bridesmaid's brunch is that it could possibly be just for the bridesmaids, the bride, and the mothers; the theme might have a spa element to it, which is why the numbers would be limited. These days, often someone close to the bride will host a brunch or lunch for the bridesmaids to get them all in sync as to color of nail polish, height of shoes, jewelry. What I am saying is that this brunch is all about the bridesmaids, it is a thank-you to them for all the expense and time they have expended on the bride's behalf. It is usually a girlie, girlie time with inside jokes and camaraderie. If the brunch isn't at a spa, there might be a beautician and stylist on hand to do hair and makeup. As you know, makeup for formal portraits such as wedding photos is different from everyday makeup. Since I don't know the theme, the day, time or the location of the brunch, I am thinking that you might want to find out more about the brunch before asking if the aunts and cousins can be included.

Traditionally, as you no doubt know, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding and also pays for the wedding trip. Since this is a destination wedding and you've already helped with the wedding expenses, you might ask your son how he would like you to pitch in further. If he says that you've done enough and you still want to do something, the groom's family can also host the post-wedding brunch the next day, offer to pay for the bridal bouquet or the fee to the person who performs the marriage ceremony. If you hosted a post-wedding brunch, then you could invite the aunts, the cousins, and, traditionally, the wedding party also.

As to the grandmother of the groom's outfit, I would need to now more about the wedding (location, time of day, time of year, indoors or outdoors) and her build and coloring. Traditionally, she would wear a dress that falls just below her knees and a matching jacket. If it is a formal wedding, she would wear a dressy dinner suit. Her colors would be beige, blue-gray, coral, moss green, ice blue. If it is a church wedding, she could wear a hat and/or gloves.

These are rather general answers to a lot of questions, so do ask more questions being very specific and I'll send you more detailed answers. For instance, traditionally, the groom's family gives the bride either a piece of jewelry or luxury bedding. In this economic downturn, gifts of that nature are not expected, but you asked, so I included it.

Please, do let me know if you have any further questions. You are also welcome to browse the archives on my website by returning to www.NewportManners.com and clicking on archives, wedding, dress code, then mother of the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding: Shower and After-Wedding Reception
Q If you are having a destination wedding and are just inviting family and close friends, but have a large reception when you return, is it okay to have a shower before the wedding with the people that you are inviting to the reception?

A Yes, it is perfectly fine to have a shower, if your wedding is a destination wedding, but it would be best if you didn't push the present, gift giving aspect. In other words don't load up the invitations with bridal registry information cards or put bridal registry information on the invitations. Through word of mouth, when people ask tell them where you are registered and the word will get out. Nowadays, wedding couples create a wedding website to keep friends and relatives not attending the destination wedding in the loop with photos. You can also include a clickon for bridal registry as the website is open to all your friends and relatives, not just those attending the destination wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Weddings: Who Pays
Q In planning a destination wedding in Mexico, is it correct to let the guests pay for their flight and rooms? I was told this weekend that it is proper to pay the guests' way?

A Don't be railroaded by anyone who says that you are responsible for your guests' expenses. A destination wedding is all about the wedding couple. Basically, what you are saying is, "We're getting married at a faraway place and if you want to be a part of this sacred ceremony then please join for the celebration." Your first responsibility is to ask the hotel or resort for a discount for your wedding guests. You should be able to reserve a block of rooms, depending upon the time of year, for anywhere between a ten to twenty percent discount. The only bill that you as the newlyweds would be responsible for would be for the wedding and the wedding reception. Yes, there are special situations where, say, the best man or maid of honor is in school and cannot afford the airfare and the accommodation bill. For those special situations you might set up a discretionary fund to help such friends. Also, you must remember that when guests have to pay for travel expenses and accommodations, you cannot expect a wedding present. In your own way, you would get the word out that you understand that in lieu of a wedding present, you appreciate the fact that your guests are spending money to attend your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dietary Needs for Guest
Q I have Celiac disease. I have been invited to my friend's daughter's wedding. The food will be prepared by the groom's family. Due to my dietary needs, I am unable to eat any the food they are making, as I will become very sick. When I called my girlfriend to remind her of my needs, she said it would be best to bring my food. Am I wrong for feeling very hurt and not having her accommodate me? I do not want to attend the wedding now, my rsvp needs to be sent back and I don't know what to do. My husband said we are NOT going!

A Please, don't make a larger issue out of your dietary issue than you already have. I want you to focus on your friendship with your friend, because good friends are hard to find. There are many, many details that go into planning and executing a wedding, so you need to be considerate and compassionate of your hosts.

First, put yourself in your host's shoes. Let's say you were hosting a wedding and had spent a lot of time figuring out the perfect menu to celebrate the happy occasion, and then your friends started complaining that they needed a special vegan meal, or a gluten free meal, or a meal without salt or diary, what would you do? As a host you couldn't possibly accommodate every guest's special dietary needs. Could you? This is not a public restaurant, this is a private wedding. It is not about pleasing various guest's dietary needs, it is ALL about the bride and groom and I want you remember this.

Lots and lots of people are on special needs diets and those who are socially active and wish to continue being socially active, behave in a positive manner by becoming adept at eyeing the groaning board for foods they can eat. Others learn to eat their dinner meal before going out or to take a small snack if they are in fear of being hungry when there is absolutely nothing at the party they can eat.

I am terribly sorry that you have Celiac disease; however, if you are to continue to attend private social functions, you will have to learn to deal with your dietary needs by either eating ahead of time or bringing a snack.

This wedding is not about the food or feeding the guest. A wedding is a deeply spiritual ceremony where food is often served afterward to celebrate the occasion. If you do not want to be tempted by foods you are unable to eat, then respect the wedding couple by attending the ceremony, but regretting the reception.

Please, look at the big picture. Don't make your friend choose between your friendship or her daughter's wedding. Show your friend that you are dignified and elegant and that you can deal with your dietary problems on your own. Be brave.

Wedding Etiquette: Different Tunes
Q Is is appropriate to have multiple musicians at a wedding? For instance a cellist at the ceremony, backpipes at the beginning of the reception and then a dj/singer for the remainder of the reception?

A Not at all, the more music at a wedding the better.

Wedding Etiquette: Difficult Bridesmaid
Q Hello Didi,

I am getting married in two weeks, and I am having trouble with one of my bridesmaids. Originally, I did not want to include her in my bridal party, as we are not as close as we used to be, and she is the kind of girl who does not do anything unless it can benefit her in some way. I ended up including her because, 1) I hoped that this would somehow magically bring us closer together, and, 2) she assumed that she was a bridesmaid and I didn't have the heart to tell her differently.
I was right in my initial feeling; she has been absolutely awful. She has complained about everything, lied about having to work during my shower (only ended up coming because she let it slip that she had the day off and I reminded her that my shower was that day), and every time that we talk, she only talks about herself and her boyfriend. She never asks me about the wedding, or anything having to do with me.
It is causing stress between me and my fiance, because every day I have a new story about what she is doing. FI cannot stand her and thinks she is an awful friend and shouldn't have been in my wedding party in the first place.
What can I do? As the wedding is in 2 weeks and she has already bought her dress, I feel as if I don't have the option of asking her to not attend...but I also cannot stand the thought of her being there.

Please help!

A In my opinion there is only one solution to this unpleasant situation and it has to be implemented as soon as possible. Offer to pay for her dress and then tell her that you're sorry, but you don't want her in your wedding party. Just say, "We all know you're very unhappy about being in our wedding so we want to let you off the hook. Charles (insert your fiance's name) and I feel strongly that we only want people in our wedding party who are happy being part of our special group of friends and family and we don't feel that you're happy being part of our wedding party. We just don't have a close relationship anymore and therefore, we have decided that we don't want you to attend. We would be happy to reimburse you for the cost of your dress."

The hard thing is that it is difficult to be honest and nice at the same time and I don't want you feeling any worse about this, but her karma is creating unpleasant memories and that has to be stopped as soon as possible.

Use your fiance's name in the conversation so that she knows you're discussing her attitude with other people. Use "we" and "our" instead of "I" or "my" whenever you can.

This kind of conversation is most powerful face-to-face. I know you're very busy, but try to find time to meet her for "coffee" as soon as possible, preferably, but not necessarily, with your fiance. Meet at an informal public place such as Starbucks, where you both pay for your own coffee and then while sitting at a table, tell her how you feel. Start by asking her how she is feeling and let her talk for a short time about herself, then make your point briefly and to the point. End by saying you're sorry that "it didn't work out," say good-bye, and leave. By saying "it didn't work out," you're NOT leaving the door open for her to weasel her way back into the wedding.

Unfortunately, you have to treat this dilemma as a business problem because it is impacting the karma of the wedding. Please, do this as soon as possible. Should you not find a time that you both can meet, tell her over the phone. However, if you tell her over the phone, end by asking her if she understands what you've just said, because you want to be sure that you won't be hearing from her again. In other words, this is it: you're done. Believe me, you'll feel much better after you've managed this difficult situation. Her behavior is abusive and totally inappropriate, so don't put up with it for a moment longer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dinner Is Served Seated + Promptly
Q We are having a sit down dinner at our wedding reception and need help on wording this on the reply card. Many receptions in the Mid West are buffets where the food is left out for some time, making it easy for guests to arrive a little late and still be able to eat. We, however, decided on a sit down dinner. We want to avoid anyone walking in while we are eating dinner because they did not know that it is a sit down dinner which will be uncomfortable for all of us. Can you help me word the reply card such that we can hint to our guests that it is a sit down dinner without saying " sit down dinner" or do you recommend us using those words. Thank you.

A On the wedding invitation, if the wedding is at six o'clock, you might put the following on two separate lines, "at six o'clock/and at dinner immediately following the ceremony."

If you think this is not a strong enough message, then on the reply card you might have a line that states "Dinner promptly at eight o'clock." Use your own information and center the lines on the page:

M/M___________
Accept_________ Regret________
for the tenth of June.

Dinner promptly at eight o'clock.

Also, I believe in the power of word of mouth, if you remind people when you speak to guests before the wedding that: it is a seated dinner and you don't want anyone walking in feeling embarrassed because everyone is seated with place cards.

Wedding Etiquette: Dinner: Toasts: Stepfather
Q My stepdaughter of 4 years has asked me to "walk her down the aisle." She is 29; this is her first marriage, and her father died 2 years ago. She and her father were somewhat close - certainly sufficiently close that she would have wanted him to give her away. On a personal level I want her father to be fully remembered at the rehearsal dinner - and I expect that he will be by his brother. My question: having been personally acquainted with her father, what is appropriate and thoughtful for me to say at the rehearsal dinner - and at what point in the comments?

A For the rehearsal dinner, the best man makes the list of toasts and invites the toasters to toast the wedding couple. Traditionally, you would make your toast (the father-of-the- bride toast) during the wedding reception, not the rehearsal dinner because the rehearsal dinner is the groom's family's venue; it is the time for best friends to make their toasts.

At the wedding reception, make your toast short; no longer than two minutes. This is a happy occasion and you don't want to make the bride and her mother weep. Not to be coldhearted here, but this wedding is a time for the bride to put past pain behind her and focus on her own groom, not dwell on the loss of her father. Firstly, you do not want to make any one weep, but you can thank the bride and groom for "the great honor of being asked to toast the wedding couple." The stepfather does not toast the father, he toasts the wedding couple, so you are really off the hook about having to bring up the father at all. If anything, you want to inject a bit of humor into your toast. Think up an amusing, heartfelt incident about when you realized that the wedding couple were meant for one another. If you cannot come up with an anecdote, then go to a chain book store and browse the books on toasts until you find a toast that fits your feelings about how you feel about the wedding couple, but be sure that your toast is NOT corny or weepy. Once again, your toast should NOT be about you or the bride's father, your toast should be all about wishing the wedding couple a bright future, eternal love, and everlasting happiness.

Remember, this is NOT the time "for the father to be fully remembered." As the master of ceremonies at the wedding reception, it is up to the best man to announce your toast, which would be either the first or second toast at the wedding reception.

The place for the bride and groom's deceased parents, siblings, grandparents, and aunts and uncles to be recognized and honored is in the program for the ceremony. After the listing of the wedding party, there is a line that says: "We remember this day." Underneath that line the names of the deceased are listed. In this case it would start with the name of the bride's father.

Wedding Etiquette: Divorced Bridal Parents: Seating
Q I am the mother of the bride. My husband and I are divorced. I am in a serious relationship with a man. My ex-husband will not be bringing a companion. My question is in regards to the seating at the church. My daughter wants me to sit in the same pew as her father, having my significant other sit several rows back with my sister, friends,etc. I want to sit with my significant other in one pew and have her father sit in his own pew either behind or in front of us. She told me this was "etiquette", having both parents, though divorced, sitting in the same pew. Your thoughts, please.

A You are not going to like my answer, but you asked. This wedding is all about your daughter and her husband. For whatever reasons, unresolved issues or just a deep love for both of her birth parents, your daughter wants her parents in the front pew seated together. This is her special day and in your long life, it is only forty-five minutes to an hour out of your life, which you should be able to give to your daughter. Your partner will understand your daughter's need. Perhaps you can broker a compromise with your daughter and ask your daughter to let you and your partner have your own table at the reception and your ex-husband can have his own table. You are the most important role model in your daughter's life; how you handle this and how you behave tells everyone the kind of person you really are. Be an excellent role model to your daughter and give her one hour of your time on her wedding day at her wedding ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Divorced Parents of Junior Bridesmaid
Q How do you handle divorced parents of a junior bridesmaid? Her father is the bride's uncle. What events, if any, should her mother be invited to?

A It would depend upon the relationship between the bride and the junior bridesmaid's mother. If they are/were close, if she attended her wedding, then it might be nice to include her. If the mother has a new life and is not particularly needy and the bride does not have an ongoing relationship with her, then she need not be included. The father can bring the junior bridesmaid and deliver her home. If there is fear of friction and bad vibes between family members about her, don't have her around. The wedding is all about the bride and groom; it is not the time to let bad or unresolved issues of other relatives show their unhappy face. If it is a large wedding, you might invite the mother just to that one event, but if she has not remarried, she should be encouraged to bring a "guest" to escort her; you would not need to invite her to any of the pre-wedding festivites, as she is no longer family. As I do not know the relationships, it is difficult to give proper advice; if you would like to ask the question again with more details, I would be happy to give you a better answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Do Bride's Parents Pay for Wedding if He's Been Married Before?
Q My 32-year-old has announced she is to marry a 45-year-old man with 3 children and a millionaire and she has an 11- year-old son out of wedlock, am I suppose to pay for her wedding?????

A You might sit down with the bride and groom to ask them about their plans for the wedding. Let the groom talk; if he offers to pay for everything or for part of the expenses, one of you would act as the treasurer to pay the bills and the expenses would be divvied up later. Traditionally, the groom pays for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding trip, but if it is his second wedding, he probably would not do that twice---been there, done that sort of thing. Yes, if your daughter is under 35 and does not make a huge salary, she might hope that you will pay for her wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Do Guests Pay Hotel Bill
Q Who pays for out-of-town guest hotels?


A Out-of-town guests pay for themselves; however, often the bride or groom's family will reserve a block of rooms for the wedding party at a better price.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Give Three Shower Gifts + A Wedding Present?
Q I have been invited to three bridal showers for the same person (family and friends/couples/lingerie). Now I hear the couple also expects a wedding gift at the ceremony. I thought if you were invited to a shower let alone three showers, you did not have to bring an additional gift to the wedding? Please clarify this for me.

A Nowadays, brides know that the more shower presents required the more watered down the gifts. Luckily, couples are savvy when filling out their bridal registries at various stores to list a wide array of gifts, everything from a carrot scraper, garlic press, and whisk to a china place setting and bar glasses, with you in mind. As you will be attending four events, an expensive wedding present will not be expected from you. However, if you feel awkward about arriving at a shower without a gift, you have two options: you can send the couple one really nice gift from their registry or four very small ones. If you choose one big wedding gift, you would say on the card "I (we) wanted to give you one special gift, thank you for including me (us) in so many of your wedding festivities." Then you might just send cards thanking them for including you in all the festivities: the engagement party and the showers. Don't forget, because so many guests might be sending their shower and wedding gifts through the store directly to the couple's registry address, not everyone will be arriving with gifts. You might be able to view the couple's registries on the Internet through the wedding channel, and that might help you decide what you want to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Have to Give a Gift for Each Party
Q If you go to a wedding shower and bring a gift, do you have to bring a gift to the wedding?

A People don't bring gifts to weddings. The bride and groom have too much on their minds to be worrying about presents, keeping them safe and getting them home, especially if they are leaving on a honeymoon. Nowadays, guests go on the Internet to the wedding channel and look for the couple's bridal registry to find out what the couple needs. The guest can chose between sending two small gifts for the two occasions or one more expensive gift and the registry at the store will send the gift to the address the couple wish their gifts sent.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Have to Invite the Whole Clan?
Q My son is getting married in September. I have a limited number of invitations to give out. I have several very special cousins I want to invite, but I don't think their older and younger siblings even know who my son is. Do I have to invite the whole family and their spouses and children if I want just one or two from that clan? I have over 100 first cousins, not to mention aunts and uncles. I can't have them all. Can I split families?

A This is a common problem. Not to worry. You are under no obligation to send invitations to the whole clan. There is no law or etiquette police who will fine you for not sending the entire clan invitations. So relax: list the top people you might send invitations and then make another list of those whom you might just send an announcement. These days it is relatively inexpensive to have an announcement printed after the wedding to be sent to all those relatives and friends whom you might want to inform of your son's marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I have to Send a Wedding Present?
Q I am attending a wedding as the date of the groom's mother. Should I give the newlyweds a gift? I met them once.

A You have two choices. You can either write the wedding couple a heartfelt letter of congratulations thanking them for including you in their wedding, or you can send them a gift from their bridal registry.

Wedding Etiquette: Do I Invite My Boss?
Q I am getting married in August of 2006, a very small (50 guests) and intimate celebration. I started a new job in August of 2005, my boss and I work very closely, she owns the company, I help her run it...there are only 3 other very part-time employees with whom my boss rarely interacts. Our relationship is very good, but doesn't span outside of work. Do I invite her and her husband to my wedding? I may hire a colleague of hers to make my dress, would that change my obligation?

A You need to explain to your boss that you are having a very small wedding and that the entire wedding party will consist of no more than fifty people and that you hope she will understand that your family comes first. Leave it at that. You can always send out a wedding announcement and then she has the option of sending you a wedding present, or not. But at least you will have thought about the fact that you could not invite her. If she is a person of manners, she will understand and send you a wedding present whether or not you send out an announcement. At a later date, you can bring in your wedding album and show her how small your wedding really was. You have a professional relationship with your boss, keep it that way. If you wish, you can also invite your boss and her husband for dinner with you and your husband at a later date. Whether or not you have your boss's friend design your dress does not matter. The point here is that you are having a very small wedding. How nice! How special! Many congratulations!

Wedding Etiquette: Do Parents Exchange Gifts
Q Do the parents exchange gifts at the wedding rehearsal?

A No, the wedding couple's parents do not exchange gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Do People Bring Check to Wedding
Q Do most people give a check or gift certificate on the actual wedding day?

A Most people do not give a check or gift certificate on the actual wedding day because it might be difficult to keep track of the envelopes; if bride and groom are headed off on their wedding trip after the reception, they would have to entrust them to someone while they are away. The considerate thing to do is to go on the Internet to the couple's wedding Web site to find our where they have registered their bridal registry; or go to wedding channel.com to look them up, and find a present you can afford from the registry and have the store send the gift to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Do We Congratulate the Fiance
Q Is it proper etiquette to say "Congratulations" to a new fiance?

A Yes, I am sure he would greatly appreciate being congratulated.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Congratulate the Bride
Q Are you supposed to congratulate a bride to be?

A Yes, the bride will appreciate your kind words.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Give Shower Gift if Not Attending
Q Do you send a gift when you are invited to a wedding shower but are not attending? Will be attending the wedding though.

A No, you do not need to send a shower present if you are not attending the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Give Wedding Present if You Gave Shower Gifts?
Q Do you give a wedding gift if you have attended showers?



A Usually the more shower presents you have given the bride and groom the more "watered down" the wedding present, so you do not necessarily have to spend more than you can afford on their wedding present. They will understand that you are a generous friend.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Have to Send Gifts If You Don't Attend
Q Is it proper to send a gift to an engagement party given by a third party if you will be unable attend but will be attending at least one shower and the wedding?

A For any wedding, no matter how many showers or parties you are invited to, you need not send more than two presents total. In your case, you only need to send two gifts. Brides and grooms understand that the more parties guests are invited to, the more watered down the gifts. So: nobody will be miffed, if you don't send a gift for a party you don't attend.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Send Two Gifts for Shower + Wedding
Q Do you give a wedding gift at the bridal shower and the wedding? I thought that you gave your big gift at the shower and then, if you WANTED to, you put an envelope in the basket at the actual wedding w,hen you did.

A You have the option of giving one really nice wedding gift or two smaller gifts. Putting an envelope in the basket at the actual wedding is a bit dicey because cash and checks can go astray and then the bride and groom do not know whom to send thank-you notes to for what. It is better to go to the couple's wedding Web site or to the Internet Wedding Channel to find a gift you can afford and the store will send your gift to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Do You Take Gift to Engagement Party
Q Do you take a gift to an egagement party? If so what?

A Customarily, you might go on to the couple's wedding Web site or to www.wedding channel to look up the couple's bridal registry. Find something they like that you can afford and the store will send it to the registered address for you, that way the couple does not have to deal with carting the presents home at the end of the evening and perhpas losing cards that tell them who gave what, which they need for their thank-you notes.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Bride Keep Ring When Wedding Is Called Off
Q Wedding's off. Does bride-to-be get to keep the engagement ring?

A If the man called off the wedding, then the woman keeps the engagement ring. If the woman called off the wedding, then she would return the ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Mother of Bride Bring Gift to Bridal Shower
Q Does the mother of the bride bring a gift to the bridal shower?

A If the mother of the bride brings a gift to the bridal shower, I am sure your daughter will greatly appreciate it. It does not have to be extravagant. No doubt, she would be pleased to have some fresh sachets, lingerie or a gift certificate to a beauty spa.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Shower Gift Take the Place of Wedding Gift
Q Does the wedding shower gift take the place of the wedding gift?

A No, the wedding shower gift does not take the place of the wedding gift; however, the bride and groom know that the more pre-wedding showers and parties, the more watered down the wedding gifts will be, which is why on their bridal registry they list many inexpensive presents. If you opt to give one really nice present, say that on your wedding present card and send the wedding present early.

Wedding Etiquette: Does Son Get Gift for Third Wedding
Q Do you have to give your son a wedding gift for his third wedding?

A Never give a gift, if you don't feel good about giving the gift. However, you might want to give his bride a wedding present. Ask her what she might like for a wedding present; that is just for her.

Wedding Etiquette: Does the Bride's Dad Have to Pay for the Wedding
Q I am a divorced father of the bride-to-be.... bride 24, beau 25. Bride-to-be 3rd grade teacher and beau Lexington KY policeman.

Beau paid $7000 for bride-to-be to go to Europe 7 months ago to meet him and is scheduled for a $6000 caribou hunt this fall.

Bride to be's mother thinks it is father of bride to be's responsibilty to open up the check book (in this case take out a loan) for a wedding. Bride to be's mother (x) has no money, Parents of groom have no money.... and not surprisingly the kids have no money! Bride to be does not see that paying for a wedding would be a gift if it could be afforded...not an obligation since the day she was born.... Is she right or I? Oh yeah ... I found out one week ago the bride to be is 4 months pregnant...

I say the kids have money to burn on caribou....and a european vacation then they might want to consider a wedding....its all a matter of priority. Is there some rule that says it is the father of the brides responsibility to pay for a wedding?



A In the context of the traditional wedding, yes. The expenses of a traditional wedding are shared between the two families: the groom buys the bride an engagement ring, the bride's family hosts an engagement party, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner, the bride's family hosts the wedding, and the groom's family pays for the wedding trip. It sounds as if the wedding couple has already had the wedding trip. Why not suggest a small morning wedding and lunch afterwards in an informal setting? Offer to host twenty-five people, say, at fifty dollars a person and see how your daughter responds. Perhaps she will be grateful and say, "Thanks, Dad, we'll pay for any guests over the twenty-five." I don't know what you can afford but there are alternatives to the big, expensive wedding. Especially since your daughter is pregnant, you will want to have the ceremony sooner rather than later, so you can cut down on costs by eliminating invitations and celebrating at a brunch or lunch. No, there are no etiquette codes carved in stone enforced by the etiquette police. So: you can walk away from this and no one will fault you for your logic about their priorities or question your priorities; however, this is your family we're talking about here, so perhaps it is time to look at the big picture. Etiquette is based on consideration, compassion, and compromise.

Wedding Etiquette: Does the Groom Pay for My Tuxedo?
Q Should the groom pay for my tuxedo?

A No, the groom does not pay for the rental of your tuxedo.

Wedding Etiquette: Dollar Amount of Wedding Gift
Q What is the appropriate dollar amount to give as a wedding gift?

A How much you are willing to spend on a wedding present depends upon how much you can afford, how much the wedding couple needs support, and how well you know the bride and/or groom and/or their families. If you are an employed adult and you and your wife are attending the wedding, you might spend a hundred dollars per person on one wedding gift. Nowadays, guests browse the wedding couple's bridal registries to find a gift they can afford that they know the couple needs and the store sends the gift to the registered address. Many couples create their own wedding Web site on which their registry information can be found, or you can look them up on the Internet by going to the wedding channel. You ask how I come up with one hundred dollars; well, these days it costs the wedding couple's families well over one hundred dollars to entertain each guest, so your gift should equal what you suspect is being paid for you to attend the wedding. However, if you cannot afford that much, then find a gift on the bridal registry that they have chosen that you can afford. The important thing is that you give them a gift that you know that they want; the cost is secondary. Another factor might be if you were related to the bride or groom or employed one or the other, then you might want to give a more expensive gift, predicated also on how much you can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Don't Bring the Present
Q Do you bring a gift to an engagement party?

A If the engagement party is not in the couple's home, you need to send the gift to the bride's address; otherwise, the gift could go astray and you would wonder why you never received a thank-you note. It is also more considerate because the couple will have a better time if they are not worried about the gifts. Imagine, how would they get all those gifts home?

Wedding Etiquette: Don't Send Registry with Invitation
Q Can a bridal registry be enclosed with the wedding invitation?

A It might be more polite to enclose a small card listing the stores where you are registered. Sending someone a long list of presents seems a bit tacky. Nowadays many couples are registered on the wedding channel through the Internet so guests can order directly on-line or print out the list themselves. It seems more efficient because if the guest takes his time looking at your registry when he goes to buy an item, it may have already been bought for you. Reading your registry on-line will tell him which gifts have not yet been sent to you.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 pm Wedding: Guest: Woman
Q My niece is getting married Sept. 12th, 1 PM, Catholic church, I am not one to wear a dress...can I wear black trouser leg slacks, white V-neck blouse, pink blazer and black heels? What would you suggest instead?

The dinner and reception is at a bar/grill place where they met.

A Your outfit sounds fine as long as the slacks are not a tight fit. Since you aren't one to wear a dress, you should be OK especially if this is the type of outfit that you would wear to church. Personally, I'm not sure about the pink jacket, but if the outfit fits you well and makes you feel good, then it should be fine.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 pm: Boyfriend's Dad's Wedding
Q Hi Didi
I am going with my boyfriend to his dad's wedding October 1st at 1 pm, and it's my first time meeting his dad's side of the family. I don't know what to wear! Please help.

A Firstly, a one o'clock in the afternoon wedding is not fancy, so you don't have to get too dressed up. Wear a very good dress that falls to your knees with beautiful shoes. You don't even need a cocktail dress, it is more about quality then glitz for an early afternoon wedding. Since I don't know your age, build, coloring or budget, this is a rather general answer. I also don't know your location, are you in the tropics, the Northeast, California? People dress differently in the different areas of the country in terms of climate and dressiness.

Wear a well-made dress with short sleeves made of good quality or a sheath with a little jacket, with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag for your lipgloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 PM: Connecticut: Evening Gown
Q Attending a 1 PM church wedding on July 23rd in CT. Reception is at 6PM at an elegant restaurant on the shore. This is an Italian/Spanish wedding. I am 32 years old and my husband is in the wedding party. I have chosen a full-length evening gown in deep plum, sleeveless, with beaded detail that flows over one shoulder and under one bust line. Would this be inappropriate to wear and if so, what should I wear?

A You might feel I bit silly traipsing around at one o'clock in the afternoon in a beaded evening gown. A short cocktail dress that falls just above your knees would be more suitable for a one o'clock wedding and the reception at the restaurant. Unless the invitation specifically states Black Tie, the dress code is Suits and Dresses.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 pm: Iowa
Q What should I wear to a 1:00 PM wedding in early October located in Iowa. The wedding venue is a lake house. I'm 5'9, blonde, size 6-8. My boyfriend is in the wedding party and will be wearing a tuxedo, so I'm wondering what I should wear? (color, cut, shoes) I don't want to be over-dressed for the affair or under-dressing when I'm next to him... any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you :)

A Firstly, a one o'clock isn't dressy. The wedding party dresses formally, but the guests wear very good quality day clothing. That said, wear a beautiful, well-made day dress with beautiful shoes. Alternatively, in trend is wearing a beautiful blouse with a short skirt that falls just above your knees. Since you don't know if you'll be walking around outside near the lake, wear beautiful flats and carry a small clutch bag. By the way, a one o'clock outdoor wedding is a perfect opportunity to wear a hat.

Color is so personal. If you have blue eyes wear blue, green wear green, or Google Fall Fashion Colors 2011 to find trending colors for this fall that work for you. My two favorite styles for this fall are 1) the short-sleeved day dress that falls just above the knees, 2) a solid color long sleeve blouse with a short black skirt. Both with beautiful flats and small clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 1:00 PM: Upstate NY:
Q I am invited to a wedding in June in upstate New York at a Catholic Church in 1:00 pm. The cocktails will be in a hotel at 4:00 pm and subsequent dinner at 5:00 pm. I am 30 years old. I am not sure what to wear. Do I need to change dress between church and dinner? Or is there something I can wear in both places? There is no dressing code on the invitation.

Thank you a lot!

A When there isn't a guess code for the wedding, it usually means Suits and Dresses. You don't need to change dresses. Just a wear a really pretty dress, beautiful shoes and a magnificent hat. Before going to the cocktail and dinner reception, you can leave your hat in your car at hotel.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 10:00 a.m. Wedding
Q What is the appropriate attire at a 10:00 a.m. wedding? Is it the dressiest time?

A No, it is the least dressiest time. You would dress as if you were going to church and a fancy restaurant for brunch afterwards. This means suits or jackets and ties for the men and coat dresses or suits and hats, scarves and gloves for the ladies.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 10:00 AM: Florida in May
Q I have been invited to a 10:00 a.m. wedding in Orlando, FL, in May. The wedding will take place outside with inside reception immediately following. I have a stretch taffeta dress with 3/4 length sleeves. Is this appropriate?

A Taffeta sounds a bit dressy for a morning wedding. Since I haven't seen the dress and you want to wear it, my only advice would be to take it down a bit on the accessories. For instance, wear flats or pumps instead of high heels. No tangle earrings or bangles on the wrists. A hat is always appropriate at a morning wedding and will help to make the dress more morning attire.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 10:00 AM: Hawaii: October
Q Is a brown top and light animal print chiffon skirt appropriate to wear for the guest at a beach wedding in Hawaii in October?

A Sounds perfect to me. Have a great time!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 10:30 AM: Napa Valley
Q I am going to a 10:30 am wedding Saturday, 1/28, near Napa Valley. I have been told by the man I just started seeing that the men are wearing tuxedos and that he is wearing a suit. I have not met his family and I am flying in from VA, nor have I ever been to this part of CA so I am at a loss as to what to wear. I have a little black dress and a 3/4 gold sweater I was thinking about wearing and keeping jewelry to a min. but again at a loss for what type of shoes I would wear or if this dress would be appropriate. The rehearsal dinner is on the Thursday night before the wedding - that is new for me too...Any help, advise you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

A A morning wedding in California is informal. Wear the little black dress to the rehearsal dinner with the sweater, it does get nippy at night in Napa this time of year. I don't track your question with the intake info, so I don't know your age and therefore this is a rather general answer. Wear to the wedding what you would wear to a hip shower or lunch with your friends at a cool restaurant. If you have a thin black leather jacket, wear it over a wrap dress with classic black pumps. Any fine leather jacket paired with a simple dress and classic pumps is very chic and very California. Just so you know, when the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress codes is Suits & Dresses.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:00 am Wedding: Grandmother
Q My grandson is being married at 11 am and the ceremony is a casual affair. I have always thought that the grandmother should dress in a solid color dress or gown. I have never gone to a morning wedding and also casual. Is it appropriate for me as the grandmother to wear a floral dress or suit?

A You can wear a floral dress, but I think that a solid dress with sleeves or suit that both fall just below the knees would be more appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:00 AM: California
Q I am going to an 11 am wedding in Orange County, CA in November. This is the first time I am meeting my boyfriend's parents and the first time he is introducing me to his friends. I really want to wear a mid-grey fitted cocktail dress with black heels and dangly earrings, but I feel like I would be overdressed for an 11 am affair. Please help.

A For a morning wedding, a cocktail dress would be way too dressy. Take it down a couple of notches and try to fit in to the nuances of the wedding and your boyfriend's family.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:00 AM: Charleston
Q I am a guest at an 11:00 am Charleston SC (church) wedding at the end of March. I am early 40's and would like to buy something new. What should I purchase?
Thank You,
Kim

A The great thing about buying something new for a morning wedding is that you will get a lot of wear out of whatever you buy. For an 11:00 AM wedding, you would wear either a well-tailored day dress of good quality or a skirt suit, both falling just above your knees, unless you would rather cover your knees.

As you no doubt know, morning weddings are the least dressy, so you would wear what you would normally wear to, say, a formal business meeting or a church service on Easter. In other words, you wouldn't wear a flirty cocktail dress or anything long. Coordinate the color of your shoes and bag with your outfit and you're good to go. Pearls are always appropriate at a wedding, as are a great hat and a pair of kid gloves.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:00 Wedding: 6:00 pm Reception: Cleveland
Q I'm going to a wedding Oct. 1st in Cleveland. I'm not sure what to wear because the ceremony is 11 am in a Catholic church. The reception is an adult reception at 6pm at a country club. I want to wear the same dress for the ceremony and reception. What's appropriate?

A Since I know nothing about you, age, build, coloring, lifestyle, this is a really, really general answer. When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, then the assumed dress code is Suits & Dresses, or Cocktail Attire.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:30 AM Charlottesville in Winter
Q I am invited to an 11:30 am wedding at the Boar's Head Inn in Charlottesville, VA. What do I wear? I am female, age 47 : )

A For a brunch wedding in winter, a light-weight wool suit would be chic. Alternatively, a day dress with three-quarter length sleeves would be lovely, too. You would stay away from looking as though you were going to a cocktail party when it is really a very nice brunch or lunch celebration.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:30 am Service: Stepmother of the Bride
Q I am the stepmother of an adult daughter getting married for the second time at 11:30 a.m. She is wearing a lovely bridal gown, her father, my husband, is wearing a tuxedo. I have several lovely pretty gowns, solid colors...could I get away with wearing a long gown?? Thanks. The bride does not care if I wear long or short!

A I am sorry but you are not going to like my answer.

Don't wear a long dress to an eleven thirty wedding because you'll look and feel very silly. Most women over forty look incredibly dowdy in long dresses anyway, so why you would wear one when you don't have to is beyond me. As the stepmother of the bride you want to look dignified.

Find yourself a dress with a matching jacket or a very nice tailored suit that falls just below your knees. Since I don't know the date or climate of the wedding I cannot be more specific about what you should wear. However, I do know what you shouldn't wear. You shouldn't wear a long dress to a morning wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 11:30 AM: Birmingham: Country Club
Q Dear Didi,

I am attending an 11:30 am wedding in Birmingham, Al. The wedding is at an Episcopal church and the reception is at the Birmingham Country Club. Can I wear an almond shell and pants in a soft but not shiny fabric? I would also wear a long sweater or long jacket with heels and small clutch.

Thanks, Beverly

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses. A morning wedding isn't dressy. However, when I tried logging on to the Birmingham Country Club (officially called Country Club of Birmingham) in Alabama to look for the dress codes for events, it was for members only. My best guess is that any club that is so private that it doesn't allow non-members to log into their Web site, has been operating formally as a country club for 113 years, and talks about maintaining club "values" on it's only public Web page, is the type of old-fashioned club where you would be expected to wear a proper day dress that falls to the knee to a wedding luncheon reception.

So, no, I wouldn't wear pants, but you can wear a beautiful day dress or an elegant light-weight skirt suit, that falls to the knee, with beautiful shoes and a small clutch. If you want to make a statement, perhaps a lovely hat would be more in keeping with the tone of the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 15-Year-Old-Boy: Maryland: Country Wedding
Q Hello. I am a 15-year-old boy. I'll be attending my cousin's wedding in three weeks. The wedding in at an estate and is a "country" wedding. I'm not sure what to wear. Many people will be wearing tuxes; however many will be wearing jeans. The location is in Maryland. Thanks.

A You wouldn't be expected to wear a tuxedo or a suit, but out of respect for the bride, you would wear a white collared shirt, a jacket or navy blue blazer and dress khakis, along with a tie and leather shoes and belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 AM Winter Wedding:
Q I am doing a scripture reading in my best friend's wedding at 2:00 pm. I have a red/rose dress I was planning on wearing; is that too flashy?



A Red is such a great color. Please, do wear red. As it is an early afternoon wedding, you wouldn't wear a flirty cocktail dress. If possible that little red dress should have a short or three-quarter-length sleeve. If it doesn't, wear a pretty cardigan or shawl to cover your arms while you're in the church. Such a great honor!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Alabama in Summer
Q It is a 2:00 pm August wedding in Alabama inside church. Bride and attendants are wearing long dresses and groom and groomsmen are wearing tuxedos. I am the stepmother of the bride. The mother has chosen to wear a platinum short dress. I was told to choose a short dress also but not in any colors of the wedding: black, purple and red. I am a plus-sized 45 y/o woman. What style and color should I wear?

A Wear a navy blue short dress that falls just below your knees. Ideally that dress should have quarter-length sleeves, or at least short sleeves. A sheath would be fine with a matching jacket. If you can't find navy blue, try for a dark but not bright blue, or black. Black is very chic at weddings right now. Be sure that the fabric, no matter which color, is not shiny or has anything thing such as beads or spangles. Beige is another alternative, if you don't like navy blue or black.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Birmingham
Q What does a 55-year-old woman wear to a 2:00 pm wedding in Birmingham, Ala. at an events location, not a church, in March? Is it appropriate to wear coral tailored dress with a coral sweater jacket that hits right below the top of the knee, with taupe shoes?

A That sounds lovely. It is the perfect two o'clock wedding outfit. Have fun!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Formal Wedding
Q Hello Didi,

One of my co-workers is getting married and the invitation says the the wedding is at 2:00 pm and the attire is formal.

What do I wear????

A If you are a woman, you would wear a very good cocktail dress. Don't wear a long dress because you'll feel silly in a long dress at that time of day. If you are a man, sadly, you'll have to wear a tuxedo, or at the very least a very dark suit with a white shirt and dark tie and shoes. Try to get away with the dark suit because you'll feel like a head waiter at that time of day in a tuxedo.

What kind of cocktail dress depends upon your age, build, the date, and location. If you've got a good figure and are under 45, you can wear a flirty cocktail dress that falls just above the knees. If you are more mature, then you would wear a skirt suit and dress it up with beautiful shoes and bag and real jewelry. The best thing about a two o'clock wedding is that you can wear a beautiful hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm in Boston
Q I will be attending a church wedding in Boston. The service will commence at 2 p.m. I have bought my twelve-year-old daughter a white dress with large blue floral print and a cardigan, my husband a long sleeve blue shirt with a black tie. I have no idea what to wear or if these outfits are appropriate. I am 5'6", 190 and have red hair with white/ruddy skin tone. Can you please shine some light on this issue for me?

A Your daughter's dress sounds pretty. Your husband will need a jacket, black belt, shoes and socks. I'm not sure about the black tie. If he's wearing dark pants, the black tie should be fine. Ideally, he would wear either a very dark suit with a white shirt and good tie, or grey flannels with a white shirt and a navy blue blazer with a striped tie. Again, black socks, shoes, and belt.

You could wear a dress with three quarter sleeves that falls just below your knees. If the neck of the dress forms a V shape, it will make you look slimmer. A waist will show off your curves, and that's always a good thing. Heels with a bit of height will also elongate your silhouette. Black or navy blue would be good colors for a Boston wedding. Stay away from bold colors and patterns. Be sure your pantyhose are a slightly lighter color than your legs. A small clutch bag and pearl earrings will polish off your look. For a wedding in Boston, you want to look dignified and elegant.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Newport in July
Q I am a guest invited to a 2 pm church wedding in Newport in July. I am in my late fifties, any ideas? I am about a size 12 and I do not want to be too hot...I am from Miami and am sure the protocol there is different. I am only finding fabrics here suitable for winter, cold-for some reason...heavy and dark colors...

A The temperatures in Miami this time of year I assume are in the high 80s to high 90s; in Newport, RI, they range from low 70s to high 80s during the day. If you have such a thing as a linen dress with short sleeves, that would be perfect; or a sheath with a matching jacket. A light-weight skirt suit would be perfect. All would fall just below your knees, or just above your knees depending on the shape of your legs. You certainly wouldn't wear anything longer in the afternoon.

If you're only finding dark colors, go with a navy blue or black and lighten up the darkness with a very pretty chic hat and beautiful shoes. Look on-line for day dresses and outfits in your local department stores. I'm a big fan of Eileen Fisher who does a lot of different styles in linen blends. Remember that we don't have as much air conditioning here in Newport as you do in Miami, so you do want to wear a light outfit. Ice blue and beige always seem elegant and dignified at a wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Outdoor Wedding in October
Q I'm invited to a 2:00 p.m. outside wedding with reception immediately following in October. I am in my mid-50's, size 12-14. What would be the proper dress code? My 31-year-old handicapped son has been invited also. His handicap is being non-verbal; but also he has depth vision problems; what should he wear? Would it be appropriate for him to wear shoes that he wears daily that he is accustomed to?

A For an outdoor two o'clock wedding in October you can wear a skirt that falls just below your knees with a nice sweater twin set and a light-weight jacket, along with pretty shoes that have a sensible heel because, if the soil is damp beneath the grass, high heels could possibly pierce through the turf and make it difficult for you to walk. Alternatively, you could wear a skirt suit or dress with a matching coat or jacket.

Since I don't know where this wedding is taking place, this is a rather general answer.

Your son can wear a jacket with a collared white shirt and tie of his choice. Khaki pants would probably be fine with the shoes that he usually wears.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Outdoor Wedding in October
Q I'm invited to a 2:00 p.m. outside wedding with reception immediately following in October. I am in my mid 50's, size 12-14; what would be the proper dress code. My 31-year-old handicapped son has been invited also. His handicap is being non-verbal, but also he has depth vision problems; what should he wear? Would it be appropriate for him to wear shoes that he wears daily that he is accustomed to?. By the way the wedding is in middle Georgia.

A Hi, I think I just answered this question, but since I want to be sure that you received my answer and I didn't see that the wedding was in Georgia until too late, here is a slightly better version of my answer.

You could wear a skirt suit that falls just below your knees with good jewelry, good leather shoes with sensible heels, and a good, smallish leather bag. If you have a dress with a matching jacket, that would be perfect, too. Alternatively, you would be quite proper wearing a sweater twin set with pearls and a dark A-line skirt that falls just below your knees. I want you to be warm if it is chilly, but I also want you to look dignified. If the weather has been rainy, you would not wear shoes with a high heel because the heels might sink into the ground and throw you off balance.

Your son is the easy one. If he has a nice tweed jacket or navy blue blazer, he could wear either with a collared white shirt and the tie of his choice. Please, don't worry about the shoes. If he is wearing a pair of darkish khaki pants, he can wear whatever shoes make him comfortable. He probably should wear either khaki colored socks, if he wears khakis, or black socks, if the shoes that he usually wears are black. At any rate, his socks should match either the color of his trousers or the color of his shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm Park Wedding
Q Dear Didi,

How should I dress for a 2 pm wedding (Sept.26) in the park? I'm 51 years old, but I look 35. Please help....

Thank you!

A It would depend hugely upon your gender, build and the climate.

If you're a man, for a two o'clock wedding in mid-September a cool, cotton-rich, two-button poplin suit with flat front pants in tan or navy would be fine. Accessorize with dark shoes and dark socks, a white collared button-down long sleeved shirt, and a snappy silk tie.

A woman would wear a lightweight cotton suit or a dress with sleeves that falls just below her knees. She might want to wear flats, if she'll be walking on the grass in the park.

As I said, this is a rather general answer because I don't know the facts. Late September in Arcadia National Park in Maine can be quite chilly, on the other hand, Savannah, Georgia is still quite summery at that time.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM Wedding: Charleston
Q My niece's wedding is a 2:00 in an Episcopal church near Charleston. I plan to wear a black sheath dress sleeveless (Micheal Kors) with a (Dolce Gabanna) leopard print elbow- length sleeved jacket. Pearls, black pumps, flesh-colored hose. I wear a size 10 and am 57 years old.
My question is this: are black gloves appropriate? They are unlined and stop short of my elbow .

Mid December

Thanks
Jewell

A Three-quarter-length black gloves would be fine for an early evening wedding, but I fear they would be too sophisticated for Charleston. The great thing about gloves is that you can always take them off and they are easy to carry. You could roll them and put them in your clutch. Why not wear the gloves and if they seem a bit much, take them off? In my opinion, beige kid gloves would be better for daytime. Also, remember that you want your legwear to be a shade lighter than your skin tone to look dressier.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM Wedding: Women Guests
Q I am a 71-year-old female. Can I wear brown slacks,brown small heel shoes and brown floral short cotton jacket to a 2:00 p.m. house wedding?

A Sounds fine to me. If you have a sweet, pretty clutch bag in your drawers, this would be the time to use it for your keys and lipstick. Should you have a one good piece of jewelry, this, also, would be an excellent time to wear it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm: Covering Up Arms
Q Single 27 y/o female attending a 2 pm outdoor wedding in Nashville mid-late June. Problem is I have rather large arms with markings on them and I am embarrassed to have them exposed. Is there anyway I can cover my arms and still be cool enough in the heat? Reception is to follow also outdoors. Please help

A You can wear a thin bolero (jacket) over a short pencil skirt with beautiful shoes and look perfectly weddingish. To see what I'm talking about, look for the sheer boleros at leeandersen.com. Lee Andersen is known for making beautiful tops that cover the arms: boleros, jackets, and coats. Some are hip, some are festive; on the whole there is a wide selection for most anyone's taste. To keep cool, you might also consider wearing a great hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: Florida: Lakeside
Q My friend is getting married outside if weather permitting in Florida in December at 2:00 in afternoon on the lake at her fiance's family's house. She said keep it simple; I have a light green satin dress which hits the knee area. Is that ok and if so what color shoes and do I wear hose?? I'm 46 yrs old, 5' 7" and 160. She is wearing white and bridesmaids black... so what do I wear??? Please help.

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your choice of a knee-length dress is correct for a two o'clock wedding and green is most certainly a lovely, elegant color. There is a shade of green for everyone and for every complexion, whether it's a pebbled green skirt suit for a morning wedding or a green satin knee-length cocktail for evening. And that's my point, satin is a luxury fabric worn usually in the evening. As I don't know much about you or the wedding, I would say that you should wear a well-tailored day dress or skirt suit with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. As to legwear, for a daytime wedding, wear sheer legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone with a bit of shine to it and nude-colored patent leather shoes to elongate the look of your legs.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: Hat Color
Q I WILL BE ATTENDING A WEDDING IN THE FALL, CHURCH CEREMONY AT 2PM FOLLOWED BY AN EVENING RECEPTION. I HAVE A OLIVE SATIN DRESS WITH ACCESSORIES, I FEEL A BLACK DRESS HAT WOULD BE GOOD, IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO WEAR A BLACK HAT?

A Only because you're consulting an etiquette expert am I answering truthfully. Please, don't use all upper case letters because it looks as though you are screaming. Take it down a notch. A black hat this time of year in summer in Virginia might seem a bit dark, dreary and funereal. I'm a huge fan of hats, but during the day you might want to wear a beige hat if your hair is light, or wear a darker colored hat if your hair is dark, such as dark green, dark blue, dark red. Is a black had acceptable at a two o'clock wedding? In my opinion, you would want to be more cheerful.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: Houston: November
Q Hi, Didi...
I am attending a 2:00 PM (Houston in November) wedding followed by cocktails and then a sit-down dinner at 6:00. I'd like to wear a long black lace skirt with a short-cropped dressy blouse...is this appropriate, as the actual ceremony is at 2:00? I am 59 and 5'7"...Thanks!

A Sounds like a two outfit wedding to me. Wear a well-tailored day dress or skirt suit to the two o'clock wedding ceremony and your long black lace skirt dress blouse with beautiful shoes to the dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm: June
Q Hello,
I am attending a wedding in June at 2:00 P.M. The wedding will be in a church and the reception will be at a dinner club later in the evening. There is no dress code. I am 20- year-old woman. I was wondering if a dark jewel-toned blue chiffon cocktail dress with grey-colored pumps would be appropriate? The dress hits just below the knees and is sleeveless.

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify a dress code, you can assume the dress code is Suits and Dresses. Your blue chiffon cocktail dress sounds stunning and perfect for the dinner reception; however, perhaps a bit too much like a cocktail dress for an early afternoon wedding. If you have a day dress you could wear to the ceremony, you might feel more comfortable saving the cocktail dress for the evening.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: North Carolina in a Catholic Cathedral
Q What is the proper dress for a size 6, middle-aged woman to a 2:00 wedding in a Catholic Cathedral that is followed by a 5:30 reception at a country club? Wedding is taking place in Charlotte,NC

A Wear a dressy, well-make skirt suit of good quality with three-quarter-length sleeves and a low neckline, with beautiful shoes. If you're over sixty, the length should fall just below your knees; otherwise just above your knees. Carry a small clutch bag for your lipstick and keys. A two o'clock wedding is the perfect opportunity to wear a lovely hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: November: Upstate NY
Q I am attending a 2 pm church wedding (with reception to follow - I assume that's 3pm) in Upstate New York in November. I was planning on wearing a cocktail dress but I am not sure if its too formal. There is no dress attire noted in the invitation. Also do I have to wear stockings? It's the daughter of one of the partners in my firm.

A An early afternoon wedding isn't terribly formal. When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. You could wear a pebbled tweed knee-length skirt-suit with thin leather gloves and beautiful shoes. As I don't know your age, this is such a general answer, but a jersey knee-length dress with a lovely soft leather jacket would be sophisticated and yet fun for a country wedding. Not having seen the invitation and not knowing the location of the reception, and going by the early afternoon time of two o'clock, I would say that a cocktail dress would be too dressy. Wear a very good quality dress and coat or a beautiful, well-made skirt suit with beautiful shoes and gloves. It's more about the quality of the clothing, than the "dressiness" of the outfit. For comfy legwear, go to Wolford online to find legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone because upstate NY churches can be drafty in November, and good quality legwear really can be comfortable. A department store near you probably stocks quality legwear, but I want you to see the kind of legwear I'm talking about before you go shopping.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: October: Baltimore:
Q Hi Didi,

I'm attending a 2 pm wedding on October 22nd in Baltimore, MD. The ceremony is taking place in a church with the reception to follow soon afterwards in a location nearby. I am 38 years old and am only 5'3" tall. I am clueless as to what I should wear.

Joining me at this affair is my 38 year old husband and 6 year old son, who suffers from Autism Spectrum Disorder (he doesn't like button down shirts), what should they wear as well?

Thanks so much,

Tara

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black tie, or Formal Attire, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. As this is an early afternoon wedding, you would wear a really well-made day dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful high heels. Alternatively, you could wear a very good quality skirt-suit. Nothing works better at an early afternoon wedding than a lovely hat, which can be worn with either a short dress or skirt suit. Carry a small clutch for your lipgloss and keys.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 PM: September Outdoors
Q Will be attending a 2:00 outdoor wedding on Sept. 3rd at resort in northern Minnesota, almost to Canada. I am 52 years old, 5'9" and weigh 140. We are good friends of the bride & her family. What would be classy and appropriate for me to wear? What would you suggest for my handsome 53-yr-old husband who is 6'2" and 190 lbs??

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie,you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Because you are friends of the bride's parents, you will want to represent that relationship with the family by dressing up a bit. You would wear either a dress that falls just below your knees with beautiful shoes and a great hat, and your hubby would wear either a lightweight dark suit or a blazer or sports jacket with dress khakis, or flannels, with a white collared shirt, a nice tie, dark shoes, socks, and belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00 pm: Virginia in June
Q I am invited to a 2:00 June wedding in Virginia with cocktails at 4:00 and the reception from 5:30 until...
I honestly don't know if I should wear a cocktail dress or something a bit less in and in black, but again not certain. I did see a really great light gray dress but thought it was too close to white. I am a plus size 40+ woman.

A It is always best not to buy a dress for a special occasion, so try to find a dress which give you more wear. Instead of wearing black, why not navy blue or beige, both flattering in their own way. Have the dress, or skirted suit, fitted to your curves to flatter your figure. A well-tailored outfit is always more slimming than anything shapeless. A dress with a long V neckline will elongate your silhouette. To give you a crisp look, be sure that the hem of the dress falls just below your knees and absolutely no longer.

Remember, you can always dress up a simple tailored dress or skirt suit with an elegant hat for the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:00pm Ceremony: Dinner Reception
Q Going to a 2:00 pm wedding in France, the groom said ladies should wear a suit and hat. Does your hat need to match your shoes, etc.? My suit is a light blue grey and I'm thinking about at navy hat. My husband is wearing a dark navy suit. And what about the second outfit for the invite to dinner and dancing? Any guidelines?

A If we're talking about an August wedding, I would say a navy blue hat at two o'clock on a hot afternoon would be heavy looking. I'm all for wearing a hat, but the hat should either be a neutral color, such as nude, that you can match with your shoes, or a blue gray close to the color of your suit. On the other hand, if your suit was navy blue, the navy blue hat would be perfect.

For evening, wear a chic cocktail dress that falls just above your knees, if you're under 50, otherwise, just below your knees and beautiful shoes. If the invitation to the dinner doesn't specify Black Tie, then you can assume the dress code for dinner is Suits and Dresses. However, if I were you, I would check with the host.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:30 pm Formal Garden Wedding in October
Q I am attending a wedding in October. The church service is at 2:30 and the reception is in a tent at a formal garden. The invitation for this wedding is formal but states that women should wear appropriate shoes. Help!! I am at a loss as to what I should wear. I really appreciate any suggestions. By the way, this will be in Illinois.





A Early afternoon garden weddings--no matter how formal the gardens--are rarely formal, so you wouldn't wear a floor- length dress or shoes with high heels.

Even if the reception is in a tent, Illinois will be chilly in October at an outdoor wedding which means that you might want to consider a short dress with a sweater; or if you are older, you might opt for a pretty skirt suit that falls just below the knees. Other alternatives would be a long-sleeved dress that falls just below the knees or a sheath with a matching jacket or coat. By the way, an afternoon wedding is the perfect excuse to wear a wonderful hat that goes with your outfit.

Because you will be walking on either grass or pebbles--and remember most tents are not floored--you would wear beautiful pumps or a low heel. Pumps are very chic these days and you'll be right in style. If the ground is dry from lack of rain, heels should be fine, if they are not too pointy. On the other hand, if the ground is soft from a lot of rain, most heels will sink into the ground which is why your hosts are cautioning you not to wear your stilletos to their garden wedding. Beautiful boots paired with a short dress is the chic look this Fall, so if you can pull it off, do it.

As I don't know your age, build, or style, this is a rather general answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:30 PM October in Princeton
Q I am going to a wedding in Princeton, NJ on October 9. The wedding is at 2:30 in a church and the reception follows at a former estate mansion nearby. I am 57, 5'4, and fit. What should I wear, and what would be an appropriate outfit for my 57-year-old husband? Thanks

A Wear a really nice skirtsuit that falls just below your knees, beautiful shoes, and a small clutch bag. A sheath with matching jacket would be good as well, or a day dress with short or three-quarter-length sleeves. I'm a big fan of hats at weddings, so if you have a chic hat, this is your chance to wear it. You can always leave it in the car during the reception.

Your husband could wear a dark suit or a good blazer with gray flannel pants; a white collared shirt with a good tie and black shoes, socks, and belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:30 pm Outdoor Wedding in March
Q Hello, my name is Martha. My mom got invited to a wedding ceremony on March 27, 2010. It is at two thirty and is going to be in a patio outdoors. It is gong to be around two hundred people and just a dessert afterwards. She wants to know what will be the right outfit to wear? She is worried since it is the first American wedding to get invited to attend.

A Your mother should wear a very nice suit, good shoes, and a small leather bag that matches her shoes. Since I don't know where this is taking place, I can't help you with the weight of the suit or alternatives. A well-made dress with a jacket would be nice, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 2:30 pm: Pittsburgh in August
Q I'm invited to a 2:30 wedding - August in Pittsburgh, PA. I've purchased black silk loose fitting pants and a Lee Anderson silk silver jacket. Is that too much for an afternoon wedding?

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear pants and you wouldn't wear silver for an early afternoon wedding in August. A summer skirt suit or summer dress with a beautiful hat would be more daytime and cooler. Yes, it feels a bit too evening-ish and hot. Perhaps, you could wear the silver silk jacket and black pants to the rehearsal dinner the night before. Or if the reception is in the evening, you could wear the Lee Anderson outfit to the dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 20-Year-Old Guet: Wearing a White Dress
Q I am attending my aunt's wedding on November 19th. The wedding starts at 5:30 PM. Her wedding is being held inside a building. I was thinking of wearing a short one shoulder off-white dress with heels and compliment it with gold accessories. I am 20 years old and from Louisiana. Would this be appropriate for this occasion?

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. For a 5:30 pm wedding, you would wear a cocktail dress that falls just above your knee, with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch. You wouldn't wear a white, or off-white, dress because the only one wearing white at the wedding is the bride. So the short answer is no, it isn't appropriate to wear a white dress to another woman's wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 20-Year-Old: 3:00 PM: Minnesota: Strapless Short Dress
Q I am going to my cousin's wedding on December 17th. The wedding is at 3:30 in northern MN. Everything is going to be inside, and the reception is being held at a country club. I am 20 and fair skinned. The dress I have in mind has a black skirt with a white ruffled top, it is strapless and a few inches above my knees. I was wondering if it is appropriate to wear a strapless dress? I would wear a little black shawl to keep my arms covered during the wedding. I am not so sure about the shoes, I was either going to pick strappy black heels or a little pair of black booties that go just past my ankle. Not sure which is more wedding and weather appropriate.

A Just so you know, a three-thirty wedding is not dre ssy. Why not wear a nice, thin black cardigan with your pretty dress to give you a slightly more tailored daytime look? Since I haven't seen either, I would wear the strappy black heels. You could wear the booties if you wore black legwear with the white and black dress. Black booties with a dress with a black skirt would look best with black legwear.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 23-Year-Old Woman: Country Club
Q I'm a 23-year-old female and I will be attending a wedding in September. I am attending as a plus-one and the invitation as well as the website do not actually say the dress code or where the wedding/reception will be held. All I know is it will be at a country club. What should I wear? Help!

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Wear a short cocktail dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful shoes. Nude colored patent leather heels are in trend right now. My favorite country club dress is a short pale chiffon with a delicate floral print. Take a small pretty clutch bag for your lipgloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 23-Years-Old: NYC: December: Rehearsal Dinner + Wedding
Q This is a time-sensitive question, please. For a wedding this weekend (12/3), my 23-yr-old niece will be in NYC for a 6 PM black-tie wedding. Her boyfriend is a cousin of the groom, and she will meet the whole family there. They are conservative (but not Orthodox) Jews; however the wedding is not to be in a synagogue; both the wedding and reception will be at a midtown hotel at CPS.

She has several not-too-short LBDs to choose from, but wonders about coat/wrap and shoes. She wants to wear sheer black hose, which rules out peep toe or strappy heels. Any particular suggestions, beyond basic dressy pumps? And any colors beside black that you would under such conditions recommend? Also, is her simple, black wool, portrait-collar coat sufficient for this event? And how much and what sort of jewelry will be appropriate? She is by nature a conservative dresser, and thinks a simple strand of pearls will do. Your thoughts, plse?

Also, she is invited to rehearsal dinner, the dress code for which she understands to be business attire. She plans to wear a black matte jersey wrap dress, black tights, and black patent pumps. Will this be appropriate?

Any other suggestions/observations are most welcome! She is quite nervous to meet the family and wants to make a good impression.

A In my opinion, for the wedding I would rather see your niece in shiny legwear a shade lighter than her skin tone than sheer black. Peep toes aren't really appropriate for NYC in December. I would love to see her wearing either red or nude colored patent leather heels. A simple black wool coat is sufficient; however, to give her a more contemporary look, she could wear a fine black leather tailored jacket. Sticking with the black wool coat for both nights, she should wear short, thin black leather gloves to polish off the look. As to jewelry, it depends upon the dress and how she wears her hair. For instance she probably wouldn't wear a necklace with a one-shoulder dress. The look right now is in a long, delicate gold chain link necklace with small discs. Against a black dress it adds a bit of glitter, but she wouldn't be perceived as wearing too much bling. Earrings would depend upon her hair whether they dangle or are simple diamond or pearl studs. One good ring on her right hand is sufficient. She wouldn't wear a watch unless it were a small evening watch. A simple strand of pearls would be lovely, if it isn't too short. Again it depends upon the dress.

For the dress rehearsal she can wear the sheer black legwear because, in my opinion, black opaque tights would look too heavy in the evening, especially in contrast with the shiny black patent leather pumps. With black patent leather pumps she would wear legwear a shade lighter than her skin tone or sheer black, but both would have a bit of shimmer and shine to them to dress up her legs.

As to other suggestions, she might reconsider not wearing a black dress both nights. For the rehearsal dinner, she could wear a small print jersey wrap dress with legwear a shade lighter than her skin tone that has a bit of shimmer to it. Personally, I like the Wolford evening legwear, or any similar quality legwear. For the rehearsal dinner, the dress should be a bit more fun, a bit more chic than black matte.

To prepare your niece for meeting her beau's family, have her remind her beau to be sure to introduce her. To have him say, "There's my Aunt Rose and Uncle Larry, let's say hi." With her beau's parents, she would say that she had "heard so many wonderful things about them," if she's looking for something to say after being introduced. It's always that first sentence after being introduced that is the hardest, so she should have a line she can roll off that isn't complicated. She should try not to say, "Nice to meet you." If she is well-groomed, and well-dressed, she should be feeling confident. Remind her that she is brilliant and beautiful as she walks out the door.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 24: Trending Fall 2011
Q Hi Didi,

I've been invited to my aunt's wedding. It's a 1:00 pm church service in a Catholic church, followed by the reception in an indoor venue at 6pm. I'm 24 and slim. What should I wear!?

I have a long-sleeved black blouse and a green/gold floral skirt which is just above my knees. Would this be appropriate? I also have a fairly plain black cocktail dress with short sleeves that's also slightly above my knees. Which do you think would be more appropriate?

Thanks for your help!!

A As much as I love little black dresses because they are so chic, the black blouse with the short green/gold floral skirt sounds divine and very much in trend. Beautiful long sleeve blouses with short skirts are the look this fall.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 26 Years Old: Coverup for a Strapless Dress
Q Hi Didi,

I read through a lot of your etiquette rules about what to wear for weddings...I prefer to be properly dressed at ALL times. I am sure what I have chose is fine but I always like to double check myself.

Is it appropriate to wear a silk taffeta strapless maroon dress that falls to about mid-kneecap to a 6:00 wedding in Houston, Texas? I am 26, slim and about 5'7. I intend to wear simple gold mid-size tear drop earrings with my aggie ring and maybe a single gold bangle as well as nude patent pumps. I was also thinking of maybe a cream or black pashmina since it is "fall".

Thank you in advance for your advice!


A Your outfit sounds perfect for a six o'clock wedding. Silk taffeta is such a lovely fabric for dancing because it catches the light and the blood red colors are trending this season. Nude patent leather pumps are great for elongating the legs. The only art of this I'm not a fan of is the pashmina. It tends to make even women with the best posture look stooped. I would rather have you wear a short thin leather jacket for a more youthful look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 28-Years Old: Califormia: August 2012
Q My husband's best friend is getting married in California (Aug 2012) his fiancee comes from a wealthy family. It is going to be a high class wedding (not sure time of wedding but the location is breathtaking)...not sure what color or style dress/shoes to wear... I am tall, skinny and 28 yrs old. Thanks for your help

A Summer weddings are all about airy fabrics such as chiffon, taffeta, organza and other sheer materials in pastels or tropical colors. A sheer pale chiffon strapless floral print dress that falls just above your knee, with beautiful flats would be perfect for an August wedding. If you find yourself towering above your peers, don't wear heels. There are so many really pretty flats and dress y sandals out there that you will find plenty of options. Carry a small clutch bag for your lipgloss.

When you receive the actual wedding invitation and know more about the time of day and the dress code, I would be happy to work with you again. In the meantime, try Googling trending Fashion Colors Summer 2012 and you'll find not only the colors showing, but the look in dress styles that are predicted to be in fashion. When you find the color and style you like, Google the designer and by the time spring comes around the best of those looks will have been copied and available in your local department store, or you should also be able to find them discounted online.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 Delaware: May
Q I am attending a 3 o'clock hotel wedding in New Castle, DE, on May 28th. I've never met the bride or groom. I was invited by my boyfriend and his family. What do I wear?? Help!

A To a three o'clock wedding you would wear a pretty short dress with beautiful shoes. If you're into hats, you can be sure that you'll fit right in wearing a lovely hat or fascinator.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 Outdoor Country Wedding
Q What is the proper attire for an August 3:00 pm wedding in Alburgh, Vermont, service at house and reception at their airplane hangar?

A There is nothing quite as nice as an at home wedding. The men will probably be wearing blazers and either white or khaki pants with colorful shirts and no socks with their loafers. There is nothing prettier than cotton sundresses on a hot summer's day with strappy sandals or summer flats. A three o'clock wedding screams for a beautiful hat with a crown of flowers--very outdoor country. A pretty peasant or linen (depending on your style) blouse with a great skirt would also be lovely.

It will be hot in August in Vermont and when the sun goes down it could get buggy, so bring along sunscreen and bug repellent. Take lots of photos.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm Country Club
Q I am going to a wedding on October 24, 2009. The wedding is at a church at 3:00 p.m. and than the reception follows at 4:15 p.m. at the country club. The invitation says: black-tie optional. I don't know what to wear - I just bought a simple short (just above the knee black dress). I was hoping with some accessories I could get by with this, but I am not sure what to wear or what color of accessories to use. Also not sure what my boyfriend should wear. Thank you

A Your little black dress sounds perfect. You can accessorize with beads and beautiful shoes. Your boyfriend can wear a dark suit or a dark blazer with good khaki pants or grey flannel pants. With either he would wear a collared, long-sleeved shirt and a tie, dark shoes (preferably a black Gucci-style loafer) with black socks.

As this is a three o'clock wedding with a reception at a country club, he doesn't have to wear a tuxedo and you don't have to wear a long dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm in California
Q I am 55-year-old woman and I have been invited to a 3:00 pm October 17th wedding at Altadena Town & Country Club, California, with the reception immediately following. The invitation has no reference to formal, semi-formal, black tie...What should I wear?
My daughters and I have talked about a long black dress with either turquoise jewelry or colored wrap/sweater. Is this appropriate or should I wear dark slacks and a nice blouse?

A Please, don't wear long black dresses at three o'clock in the afternoon, especially when the invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, meaning formal attire.

If the hosts wanted you to dress formally, they would have made that perfectly clear on the invitation. You wouldn't wear dark slacks, but you could wear a dark skirt with your nice blouse. As you are a fifty-something woman, you want to look elegant and dignified at an afternoon wedding. Think about possibly wearing a tailored day dress that falls just below your knees with a very chic hat along with your turquoise jewelry. Weddings are a great opportunity for wearing an interesting hat. You can always take it off and leave it in the car before going to the reception.

As for your daughters, encourage them to wear pretty dresses, beautiful shoes and to carry a sweet little clutch bag for their lipgloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm in California
Q I am 55-yr-old woman and I have been invited to a 3:oo pm October 17th wedding at Altadena Town & Country Club, California, with the reception immediately following. The invitation has no reference to formal, semi-formal, black tie...What should I wear?
My daughters and I have talked about a long black dress with either turquoise jewelry or colored wrap/sweater. Is this appropriate or should I wear dark slacks and a nice blouse?

A Please, don't wear long black dresses at three o'clock in the afternoon, especially when the invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, meaning formal attire.

If the hosts wanted you to dress formally, they would have made that perfectly clear on the invitation. You wouldn't wear dark slacks, but you could wear a dark skirt with your nice blouse. As you are a fifty-something woman, you want to look elegant and dignified at an afternoon wedding. Think about possibly wearing a tailored day dress that falls just below your knees with a very chic hat along with your turquoise jewelry. Weddings are a great opportunity for wearing an interesting hat. You can always take it off and leave it in the car before going to the reception.

As for your daughters, encourage them to wear pretty dresses, beautiful shoes and to carry a sweet little clutch bag for their lipgloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm in Granada, Spain, in November
Q What should I wear to a 3:00 PM wedding in Granada, Spain, in November? The reception is going to be outside, and the temp is 50's. Close friends and family only. I want to look hip and classy, but not freeze (I'm Texan). The mother of the bride is wearing a gown. I thought that was reserved for after 6. I'm 47. The bride is hip - music biz.

A Assuming you are a woman, you could wear a really good medium weight skirt suit, conservative, but trendy, with beautiful shoes and bag. That way, when you do go inside to dinner later, you can always take off the jacket for dancing, if you have a teddy or pretty shell on underneath the jacket. Alternatively, a straight short skirt with a long tailored jacket. It is hard to say which, because I don't know your height or build. Trust me, you do not want to be traipsing around Granada at three o'clock in the afternoon in a long dress.

My guess is that if this is like most European weddings, the afternoon ceremony and reception with champagne and cake will be followed later that evening with a seated dinner. Guests will probably retire and change clothes before rallying for a late dinner. With that in mind, you might want to pack a great wrap-dress (cocktail) dress, high heels, and a warm shawl to wear out to dinner.

A man would wear a medium weight dark suit with a beautiful striped collared shirt and tie, black shoes, belt, and socks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm September Linen in Palm Springs
Q Hi, 3:30 wedding Palm Springs sept 25, suppose to be 105 degrees. For the man or women, too late to consider linen?

A Linen is perfect for an afternoon September wedding in Palm Springs. It is not too late, but do consider wearing linen that is anything but white. Or, If it is white, make sure it is off-white, and that the whole outfit isn't bright white. In other words, the man could wear cream colored linen pants with a navy blue linen jacket. The woman could wear an off-white linen skirt with a colored blouse. Linen isn't what is in question, it is the color white that is the issue.

Of course. The issue is wearing white. Think of the wedding photos. The bride should be the only person wearing all white. It is a matter of having respect for the bride on her special day.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm Wedding
Q My fiance is wearing linen pants to a 3 pm wedding; what are the proper shoes? Also it's my best friend/aunt; I am wearing all white with teal heels and teal and brown accesories. Is that appropiate?

A It depends upon the color of your finance's linen pants. If they are light colored, wear gray. If they are dark, wear navy blue socks. It should be a solid color. I am not sure who is the bride here. The only person who wears white at a wedding is the bride; therefore, the bride would wear white shoes with her white dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 PM: Boston: December
Q I am going to a 3:00 wedding outside Boston in Dec. I have a black dress that comes below the knees and it has a short jacket...long sleeve with some black satin designs on the front. I am in my early 60's. The neckline on the dress is scoop so I will wear a biggish necklace. The wedding is the son of a friend. Does this sound good for a 3pm wedding or not?

A A three o'clock wedding is not customarily formal. When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. In my opinion, to a three o'clock wedding you wouldn't wear black satin. Black is fine, and always very chic, but you really want to be wearing a very good quality day dress or skirt suit that falls just below your knees with beautiful shoes. If you want to make a fashion statement outside of Boston at an afternoon wedding, wear a lovely hat, not a biggish necklace. So, you're not going to like my answer, but in answer to your question: no, it doesn't sound good for a three o'clock wedding. This is the kind of wedding where the quality of the fabric and design of the dress are more important than the dressiness of the dress or the size of the necklace.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm: California Winery in July
Q I'm invited to a 3 PM wedding at a winery in Lodi, California, in July. (It should be quite warm!_I am 59 years old, 5'6", wear a size 12/14, and am quite fair (brown/blond hair). What should I wear?


A For a three o'clock wedding, wear a wonderful summer dress with a great hat and strappy sandals. A small, interesting clutch and long beads would be really great accessories. If the summer dress idea doesn't appeal to you, how about a festive long skirt with a lovely blouse and you'll fit in gently with the afternoon's festivities.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm: Charleston, SC in July
Q Going to a July wedding in Charleston SC... in a church. 3:00PM. Reception at the yacht club. I am 49. Black dresses are common here for weddings as guests (which we are). Thinking linen versus cocktail dress, in dark brown or black with a raw silk shrug and strappy heels. Friends say it should be a 'satin' event. Seems a bit overdone to me... your thoughts?

A Maybe it should be a satin event, but it is a 3:00 PM wedding, and the time of day doesn't call for satin. I agree, linen instead of satin. Personally, I am not a huge fan of the color brown. I would even say black is a bit too sophisticated for a 3:00 PM wedding. I'm glad to hear from you that black dresses are common where you are because I get so many questions asking whether to wear black or not. I love black, but at a yacht club in the middle of the afternoon, I'm not so sure.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 PM: Florida in October
Q I am going to a church wedding at 3:00 in Florida October 1st. I am 37 years of age? What dress is appropriate? Long or cocktail? Thanks

A A three o'clock wedding calls for a short day dress of good quality and design, along with beautiful shoes and a small clutch bag. If you're stylish, you'll wear a lovely hat or fascinator.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:00 pm: New Orleans
Q Hello,
I am in my late twenties and will be attending a summer wedding in New Orleans with the outdoor ceremony being at 3 pm followed by an indoor reception. I do not have an invitation to take cues from as I am plus 1. My question is what would be appropriate to wear so that I am neither over or underdressed and will transition well between the two settings? I have a very petite frame.
Thank you for any input.

A First off, please ask the person who invited you if the dress code Black Tie is included on the invitation and if the wedding couple has a wedding Web site. Then you'll be able to determine the formality of the wedding, just so you know.

My guess is that you would fit in perfectly if you wore a strapless dress that falls just above your knees, with beautiful shoes. More than likely, the couple's wedding Web site will display the wedding colors and that would help you decide on color. For instance, if the wedding colors are blue and yellow, you would stay away from both of those colors as you wouldn't want to look like a wanna' be bridesmaid. No matter what the dress code, Black Tie or Dresses and Suits, you will be dressed just right in a short, pretty dress and beautiful shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 pm in November: Old Palm Springs
Q I will be attending what I can only assume will be a chic 3:30 wedding event at an inn in Old Palm Springs in early November. I am a young 55-year-old woman, 5'6" lean build
(with a limited budget) who prefers bohemian style dress - what would you suggest?

A Wear a nice day dress with a great hat. Alternatively, a sheath with a small jacket. Chic hats are perfect for an afternoon wedding. After the ceremony, you can leave the hat in your car when you go to the reception. If you want the bohemian style of dress, you can always wear a long skirt with a peasant blouse as long as it doesn't make you look dowdy. For a daytime wedding you want to look elegant and pretty.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 pm: California in October
Q Hello Didi,
I am attending a 3:30 wedding in Gilroy, California, on October 21st, 2011. The ceremony is being held at the groom's family ranch with the reception following at the same location. The invitation does not specify dress code, so I am assuming "suits and dresses". My question is, what type a dress would be proper for me to wear? I am a 26- year-old woman, 5'5 and heavy. I would like to wear shimmering champagne colored heels and a grape or black colored dress. Is this too dark for the afternoon? Would a shawl be appropriate? Maybe a nice hat? Also, my partner is thinking about wearing a charcoal colored suit, white shirt and a tie to match my dress. Would a dress shirt, slacks, vest and tie be to casual for him? Is a jacket a must? He is 28 years old, 5'11 and also heavy around the middle. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.


A Your outfit sounds perfect. Ditch the shawl. Hats are perfect for an afternoon wedding.

Your partner's outfit sounds fine as well. But tell him to drop the vest, if he is "also heavy."

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 PM: Kansas in September
Q I will be attending my great niece's wedding that my husband, (a minister), will be officiating. It is outdoors in KS., early Sept. in the couples backyard at 3:30 in the afternoon. It is also a private wedding. The main invitation is for the reception at 7 at their home, also outdoors with a dance under a tent. What do I wear? My sister. the grandmother said anything is fine....she is wearing a black dress, (don't know the length or style) and my niece, (the brides mother), is wearing a dress with a jacket, again I don't know the length or style. I am a young 68, petite, with short blonde hair and 5'2" 108 lbs. I was thinking of wearing a black a-line just above the knee dress with some beading down the front with nylons, black? suntan? (my legs aren't tan and have some broken veins) but thinking this may be too dressy...a sundress with a jacket, I also have a cute chiffon cocktail dress with butterfly sleeves and layered down the front sort of a swing skirt, but it is very bright colors (reddish orange, yellows, pinks, greens) and don't want to stand out. I have a hard time dressing my age as I don't feel or look (as others say) my age.
What do you suggest?

A The only look I can really get a hold of is the black cocktail dress for the evening reception. However, you would wear legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone; however, to cover your veins why not wear black, but not an opaque, a sheer with a bit of shimmer to it.

For the ceremony, wear the sundress with the jacket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 pm: New York City in June
Q Hi Didi,

I am invited to NYC wedding in June. It's 3.30pm church wedding followed by cocktail hour and evening reception. Invitation states "Black Tie Optional" and my partner will wear a tuxedo. I am 30, very tall and size US 6. I don't feel it is appropriate to wear a long evening gown to the church, so I chose the following outfit to last the whole day and evening: embroidered, silver Escada knee-length dress, which is nicely fitted paired with nude Christian Louboutin slingback shoes, accessorized with silver Diane von Furstenberg clutch. Does this sound ok? Also, am I required to wear a hat or any formal head piece in the church (sorry for this question, I am from the UK and we wear hats here). Thanks

A The outfit you have chosen sounds perfect. However, as this is not a country wedding, I'm thinking that you might want to check to find out what time the dinner reception starts. If it turns out that there is a lapse of several hours between the ceremony, which we can assume will be over at 4:30, and the reception starts at seven o'clock, you might wear something simpler to the ceremony and save that fabulous Escada cocktail dress for the dinner and dancing.

Whether there is a lapse in time or not, I think your outfit sounds elegant and lovely, and if you wore a hat to the ceremony, you would fit right in. As you no doubt know, traveling from the UK with a hat can be awkward, so I would recommend a fascinator, which is so much easier to pack.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 PM: New York: 50 Years Old
Q I am attending a wedding in New York Oct 15th, the wedding is at 3:30 pm on Park Avenue with the reception at 6pm at the Cosmopolitan Club. I am 50 yrs old with a nice figure size 2 and 5'7". Would it be appropriate to where a conservative dressy jacket to the church and then have a gold/champagne colored sequined dress just above the knee with a cowl neck back for the reception? The MOG tells me that the reception will be quite dressy? Need help in Cincinnati

A In my opinion, you would be over-dressed in a gold sequined dress at three in the afternoon in the church and then at the reception in the ultra conservative "Cos" Club (as we call it). NYC, is my city; it is dressy, as the MOG says, but you might feel more comfortable fitting in wearing a very good quality black dress that falls to your knee with beautiful black shoes and a small black clutch bag. In NYC, it is all about the quality of fabric and design, and not about sequins. Beige would be lovely, but the combo of the gold and the sequins is not chic in the afternoon anywhere. Sorry, but you asked and one of my best friends is from Cincinnati.

When the MOG told you that the reception would be quite dressy, what she really meant was that the quality of the clothing would be sophisticated and high-end.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30 Wedding: Outside: Women
Q I am a 48 year old woman whose best friend is getting married at 3:30 in the afternoon outside (not on the beach) in Florida in March. I have no idea what to wear. I would appreciate your help.
Thanks!

A Wear a pretty dress with dressy sandals and a fun hat. I am assuming that the dress code is casual and not black tie. It is mostly about the quality of what you wear rather than the dressiness of the outfit. For instance if you have a wonderful fresh linen dress, you could wear it with a string of pearl, beautiful pumps and small clutch bag to dress it up.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 3:30: Block island in June
Q Hi Didi
I am invited to a 3:30 wedding in Block Island in June with dinner and dancing. The MOB is wearing long. The invitation is formal. I'm 58, size 2-4, petite blonde. cI have an ecru, knee-length lace dress. Is the this ok? I'm concerned about the color.
thx

A I would feel better about the dress if it wasn't ecru or long. Out of respect for the bride who should be the only one wearing white, you wouldn't want to take the attention away from her by wearing white or off-white. Find yourself a short, chic pretty dress that isn't white or off-white.

3:30 PM is a bit early in the day to be wearing a long dress. The wedding dress should be the only long dress at a daytime wedding, especially on wonderfully, relaxed, laid back Block Island. You might feel a bit silly traipsing around in a long, white dress in the afternoon, if you're not the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 p.m. Outdoor Wedding
Q Hi, is it appropriate for a 29-year-old to wear a black and white knee-length strapless A-line w/empire waist dress to a July 4:00 pm outdoor park wedding in the Midwest? Dinner and dance immediately following at a lake-side supper club. Invitation style is informal.

A Yes, a knee-length strapless A-line, black and white dress would be appropriate. Wear bone, black, or red shoes, but not white.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 P.M.: Nashville: July:
Q I am attending a wedding in Nashville in late July. It is at 4 pm at a church followed by a hotel reception. First, I am unsure about how formal it will be. The invitations are pearl and white with black scroll imprinted lettering and formally worded. My husband is a groomsman and will be in a black tux. What is proper etiquette for my attire? I don't really know if 4 pm is considered a daytime or evening wedding.

A Four o'clock is a late afternoon wedding and unless the invitation specifically states Black Tie, you wouldn't wear an evening dress. The dress code then, when not stated otherwise, would be Suits and Dresses. Wear a well-made cocktail dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful shoes. If you're into wearing a lovely hat to the ceremony, please, do, as you can always leave it in the car before going into the hotel for the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Atlanta September Ceremony
Q My young cousin's wedding will be in Atlanta at 4:00 on Sept. 18th at a church followed by a dinner reception at a downtown restaurant. Invitation states "formal/semi-formal" dress.
I am 57 (told I look much younger), 5'4", and 120 pounds with good legs and usually wear a size 4. What would be appropriate attire for myself and my husband, who is a very fit and slim 62?

A In my opinion, you would wear a a well-made, slightly tailored pretty dress or a beautiful silk skirt-suit, both would have either short or three-quarter length sleeves and fall just below your knees. You want to look elegant and dignified and yet contemporary. Nothing is more fun at an afternoon wedding than a great hat (and it would give you a little height), which you can leave in the car before going into the restaurant. It goes without saying that beautiful shoes and a small clutch and a touch of real jewelry are the best accessories.

Your husband would wear either a light-weight dark suit with a collared shirt, a silk tie, and black shoes, socks and belt. Alternatively, a handsome jacket or blazer and gray flannels would fit in as well.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Black-Tie Ceremony
Q Hi Didi:

Urgent - wedding this weekend.

Your website has been, by far, the most helpful, but I do have a couple of questions. Wedding at 4:00 pm in Austin, TX, followed by a dinner/reception at 7:00 pm (Black Tie) in San Antonio. I called the mother of the bride to inquire because I'd been to wedding receptions at the venue (Aygyle Private Dinner Club) and seen lots of older women (I'm 60) dressed in nice suits (not business, more like MOB). I have a beautiful chocolate crepe suit with a lovely neckline, brown patent leather pumps (dressy with cut-out sides), gold pearls with some gold bling, gold bag. She said that sounds great. Do you agree?

Also - what should my husband wear to look right with me? The dressiest thing he owns is a double-vested black jacket with gold buttons. I say that he should rent a dinner jacket and pants, but not a tux. What do you recommend? Thanks so much. SueAnn

A When the invitation says Black tie, then your husband needs to rent a tuxedo. Sorry, I want you to do the right thing here and if all the other men are in tuxedos, your husband is going to feel out of place if he's the only one not wearing a black tie, white shirt, and tuxedo. Just be sure that the white shirt and tuxedo are conservative and tailored to fit him properly. My problem with him wearing his black dinner jacket is the brass buttons, which are sporty. Your dinner suit sounds fine, but I am not sure about the brown patent leather pumps with the gold bag. Patent leather pumps sound a bit tailored with a gold bag. If you have silk, satin, or suede pumps, either in brown or black, perhaps that would be chicer. Alternatively, you could wear the brown patent leather shoes and use a brown or black bag instead of gold. Gold is a bit brash at four o'clock in the afternoon. Of course, there is the option that you leave the gold bag in your car during the ceremony and use it just for the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Bride's Dress
Q What length should my wedding dress be for a four o'clock wedding inside?


A Your wedding dress length would reflect the formality of the wedding. A formal wedding might allow for a long train and veil, whereas for a less formal wedding the dress might be long but not puffy, not have a train, and only a simple veil. If the dress code is black tie, then it is a formal wedding. So, as you can see, it is not so much the time of day as the dress code. Choose a style either formal, less formal (that is not black tie but navy blue blazers or dark suits), or informal and carry the theme throughout the wedding. If your reception is a seated dinner with a live band, then it would be formal or semiformal. If your reception is a barbecue, then you would not have the men wear tuxedos. Since your wedding is inside at four, but I don't know the plans for the reception, I would say the men would wear dark suits and shoes, the bride would wear a floor-length strapless well-cut, elegant dress with a short veil, and the bridesmaids would wear short strapless dresses, if they are under forty. If you would like to return to my Web site to ask the question again giving more details about the venue of the wedding, perhaps I can give you a more precise answer. For instance, if you are over sixty and have a large build, you probably would not want to wear a strapless wedding dress. So, the more details you can give me, the more help I can be. Also, if the wedding ceremony is not in a church at four o'clock, you would not necessarily wear a long dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Ceremony: Society of Cincinnati Reception: Black Tie
Q I am attending a wedding at 4 pm St John's Church (Washington DC) with reception to follow at The Society of the Cincinnati ("Black tie" printed on reception card). Does this mean that I should wear a different dress to the wedding and change into black tie for reception? Does one wear a long black dress or what other colors are appropriate for April?

A You wouldn't need to change outfits for a four o'clock church wedding when the reception immediately follows the ceremony. You would not be expected to wear a long dress to a four o'clock wedding. A dressy cocktail dress or dressy knee-length skirt suit (also called dinner suit) would take you from the church to the Society of the Cincinnati in style. Wear beautiful shoes, carry a small clutch bag and wear thin kid gloves to the church; but you know that already.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Charleston in November
Q I would like to know what to wear to a 4 o'clock wedding in November in Charleston, S.C. It is at a church followed by a reception? I am a 44 year old female.

A As I don't know your build or coloring, this is a rather general answer. To an afternoon wedding, wear a pretty dress that falls just above your knees and a gorgeous hat. Hats at daytime weddings are always welcome, but leave it in the car when you go to the reception. Wearing a hat to the church will give you a bit of drama because when you appear at the reception hatless people will take a second look. A pretty chiffon dress with a shawl or pashmina, perhaps in one of the berry colors that are so popular right now. Wear pretty shoes that are comfortable enough to dance in and take a small clutch for your lipgloss and car keys. Then again, since I don't know your build, I would imagine that if you are short in stature, you're used to wearing very high heels, and flats if you're quite tall. Accessorize with quality legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone that has a bit of shimmer. Pearls are always proper at a wedding, especially in Charleston.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm in Botanical Garden
Q I am attending my boyfriend's sister's wedding this Saturday. It is a 4 o'clock wedding, but is a second wedding for the bride and the groom. It will be in a botanical garden by a large fountain. I am at a total loss as to what I should wear. Help!
Samantha Armstrong

A To a four o'clock wedding, wear a nice dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful shoes and a small, pretty clutch bag. As I don't have a clue as to your age or build, this a rather general answer. Basically, you want to wear what you would wear to an upscale restaurant. Most likely there will be a reception afterwards, which would call for cocktail party attire, often called business attire--meaning the men will be wearing ties and jackets and the women will be in shortish cocktail dresses and pretty shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm in California Vinyard
Q Hi Didi,
I am a 30-year-old and don't know what to wear to my boyfriend's nephew's wedding. It is a 4 pm outdoor wedding at a vineyard in California. I am an hourglass shaped size 14, and don't know what is appropriate in this situation; it is also the first time I am meeting a lot of my boyfriend's family.
Thank you

A One of the things I like to advise readers to do is to Google the vineyard's website and look at photos and videos of previous weddings. You will see, for instance, that women your age are wearing pretty dresses that fall just above their knees. If you know the wedding colors, you would stay away from wearing one of those colors because you wouldn't want to look like a wannabe bridesmaid, but you'll get the feel for the style.

Keep it simple. You want to fit in with these people you don't know, but you also want to look your best, so wear a dress that flatters your shape. A tailored look will flatter your hourglass figure, and short or three quarter sleeves will cover your upper arms, if they aren't buff. If your legs are shapely, the hem can fall just above your knees; if not so much, the hem can fall just below your knees. Wearing high heels that are comfortable to dance in will elongate your figure.

Pick a dress that flatters your figure and have it tailored if it looks a bit sloppy around the mid-drift or waist and if it isn't the right length. The color of the dress could be a dark blue or deep berry color. If the celebration goes into the evening hours, you'll want to take a pashmina, a thin shawl. A small pretty clutch bag for your lipgloss and keys is always a must.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm in Cancun
Q Hi Didi My husband and I are invited to a Cancun wedding on Saturday, October 4th, 09. I am 5 ft and I weigh 128; my husband is 5"5 and he weighs 165. The ceremony is at 4 pm with the reception to follow on the beach unless it rains. Help please..... what should we wear?

A What fun that should be!

I gather it is not a black-tie wedding, thank goodness. You could wear a pretty cotton sundress with high strappy sandals. Your husband can wear a great Hawaiian style shirt with white or khaki shorts or trousers and sandals without socks.

The dress code in Cancun is from "Anything Goes" to "Clothing Optional." You will see some pretty creative outfits, especially after dark when you go clubbing. Nevertheless, you might want to wear a bikini under the sundress that you wear to the wedding ceremony.

You and your husband cannot go too far wrong with whatever you wear that's tropical; however, you just might dress slightly more daytime-ish to a four o'clock wedding--knowing that you can change into something more creative later on when you go clubbing.

Beware, because it is rumored that the bartenders in some of those clubs put funny pills in ladies' drinks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm in Georgia in November
Q Wow! Your site has been most helpful! However, I'd like an answer specifically for me. What is the appropriate dress attire to wear to a 4 o'clock wedding in November? Location is at a former Catholic Church in Georgia. I'm a mid 20's female and the wedding is for a co-worker. I don't want to appear too dressy. Also, what should my husband wear, he refuses to wear a jacket? Thanks so much! -MC

A Thank you for your kind words, but I am afraid that your husband is not going to go along with my answer. If the wedding couple were getting married on a farm, then he could dress as a farmhand, if they had chosen a mountain top, then he could dress as a ski bum, if the marriage were taking place on a beach in Hawaii, he could wear a lei around his neck and not much more. The problem is two-fold: Because the wedding is being held in a church (even though the church no longer holds services and has parishioners), the bride will most likely be wearing a conventional wedding gown and her groom a jacket and tie; therefore, your groom should wear a jacket and tie, as well. When in Rome, as the saying goes, do as the Romans do. The second reason is that I don't want your husband to feel uncomfortable being the only man over the age of 21 who is not wearing a jacket and tie during the ceremony. Why don't you compromise? Remind him sweetly that when he gets to the reception he can take off his tie and jacket and dance up a storm.

You, my dear, are free and clear to wear a fun cocktail dress with high heels. Yes, of course, you can wear some dowdy long dress that is not as dressy as an evening dress, but I want you to have fun with your husband and co-workers, so wear something slightly daring. Perhaps a pashmina over your shoulders during the ceremony, but if you have half-way decent legs, show them off and wear a dress that you can have fun dancing in and have a good time.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm in Sweden in July
Q Dear Didi, I have been invited to a wedding the first weekend in July in Sweden. The ceremony will take place at 4 o'clock on an island and the dress code required is black tie. It is my first black-tie wedding and I would not like to be the one wearing an inappropriate dress. I know the bridesmaids will wear knee-long cocktail dresses, but being black-tie I am not sure if I should go for a long dress or shorter. The invitation says ceremony will be followed by dinner and dance if that can help. Thank you.

A There are two facts in what you have told me that make it clear to me that you would wear a short cocktail dress. Firstly, as it is a four o'clock wedding, you wouldn't wear a long dress at four o'clock in the afternoon unless you were the bride. Secondly, the bridesmaids are wearing short dresses.

Black-tie doesn't necessarily mean that you have to wear a long dress. Men usually need a dress code, whereas women dress according to the time of day and pick up the style of dress by what the bridesmaids are wearing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Iowa Outdoors in September
Q I am in my 60's, 5'9, wear size 14. I'm going to a 4:00 Iowa outdoors wedding in September. What should I wear? Can I wear flats?

A Yes, you can definitely wear flats. Probably either black, beige or nude would be best. Wear what you would wear to a very good restaurant or a cocktail party. You wouldn't wear a long dress to a four o'clock wedding, but you could wear a nicely tailored dress with sleeves that falls just below your knees or a light-weight well-made skirted suit.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM Northern Florida
Q Outdoor 4:00 February wedding in north Florida-it does get cold here. Second marriage for bride who is wearing a Nicole Miller oyster-colored gown. I am thinking of a cocktail dress in black. My question is: Does anyone wear hosiery? Living in Florida one can get away with no hose in the spring and summer with a light tan or even spray tan, but not in the dead of winter. My husband will wear a black suit. This is a formal wedding, but the time of day and temperatures are making me question hosiery options.

A It may be formal for a four o'clock wedding, but four o'clock weddings don't require guests to wear tuxedos or long dresses. Your black cocktail dress sounds splendid. As I don't know whether you're wearing open-toe shoes or not, if you're not, you could wear good quality legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone with a bit of shimmer to it that will dress up your legs. For open-toe shoes, just make sure your legs are buff and shimmery. There are plenty of products on the market to give your legs that shine to take you from late afternoon into evening. Your husband's dark light-weight suit sounds perfect, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm October: Barelegged in Michigan
Q I am invited to an outdoor October wedding at 4 pm in Michigan. Is it proper etiquette for a woman wearing a dress to wear nylons or should she go without?

A If the lady's legs are well-groomed, she can most certainly go barelegged. Her legs don't have to be tanned, but they should have a bit of glow. That glow can be achieved with a really good moisturizer. Not to worry, bare is beautiful--especially when aglow.

A bit of talcum powder coating on the inner soles will help to keep at bay uncomfortable friction while dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Service
Q I am invited to a wedding with a 4:00 pm church service followed by a reception. I have heard that some women will change their dresses for the reception since the service is rather early and in a church. Do you know if it is typical to wear two different dresses?

A It depends upon the time of the reception. If the reception starts at seven o'clock or later and the dress code is formal, then you would change from an afternoon church outfit into a dress that you would wear to a dinner dance.

It is customary to change outfits when there is a time difference of several hours between the service and the reception. For instance, English church weddings are usually held at two or three o'clock, followed by a Black- Tie dinner dance that commences at 7:30 PM. As you can see, there are two different dress codes involved with a mid-afternoon wedding and an evening dinner dance. Since this service is at four o'clock, whether you change or not depends upon the starting time of the reception.

When the reception immediately follows the church service, you do not have to change your outfit. Depending upon your age, I would recommend wearing a flirty cocktail dress, if you are under 45. Otherwise, a dressy skirted suit that falls just below your knees or a dress with sleeves or a jacket would be appropriate. That way you can take off the jacket for the dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Wedding Casual Cocktail Attire
Q I have been invited to an August 9, 4:00 pm outdoor wedding (held in a canopy or ten)] at a river side resort in Montana. The couple is from Brooklyn, New York - the invitation states "casual cocktail attire". I would guess that Montana tends to be less formal than Brooklyn but I am at a loss as to what would be appropriate to wear for both my husband and me!
Thank You!
Julie

A Not knowing your build, or age, I would suggest that you wear a skirt that falls just below your knees with a pretty blouse, and strappy sandals. I am usually a big fan of a short dress with a bit of swing that is good for dancing, but it might be more fun to wear a festive skirt and blouse. Why not take both and ask the other women guests what they are wearing when you get there? Your husband would wear a lightweight jacket, perhaps a navy blue blazer, with light colored trousers and a collared shirt. He might take a tie in case he gets there only to find out that the other men are wearing ties. I've seen men wearing shorts at casual summer weddings with a jacket and tie, but that might be more of an East Coast look. To get back to you, if you do go the slightly festive route, wear some marvelous beads and earrings, and perhaps a wide belt, with the skirt and blouse. Casual cocktail attire in New York is dressier than it would be in Montana; however since it is a wedding, adding a festive flare to your outfit would make it more fun. In other words, the preppy East Coast look and the tailored New York look might seem a bit stiff in such a laid back, relaxed setting.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm Wedding: Mother of the Bride
Q I would like to know if it is ok for me as the MOB to wear a mid-calf length dress. The bride has a very full Cinderella-type gown and bridesmaids are all wearing long dresses. I think the MOG wants to wear a long dress too. I am a size 0 petite and not quite 5' tall and feel I look better in a short versus long dress. The dress is navy silk sleeveless The wedding is 4PM early November in VA. The dress also comes in full length so I really could do either, what do you think?

Thank you,
Carol



A In my opinion, long dresses and tea length dresses are rather dreary and very dowdy looking on most women over the age of forty-five. For a four o'clock wedding the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom would look better in a dressy dinner suit, say, a silk suit that falls just below the knees in a soft color with nice details and dainty gold or silver heels. For a four o'clock wedding, I certainly wouldn't make the bridesmaids purchase long dresses. Why not have them wear a solid color, perhaps navy blue, short strapless dresses that they will be able to wear again and again, also with gold heels. I always think that at a four o'clock wedding the bride should be the only person wearing a long dress, as well as the only woman wearing white. The long dress look with the mothers and the bridesmaids, if it is not a candlelight eight o'clock dinner dance, is so over. Make it a chic four o'clock wedding and focus on the quality of a shorter designer outfit made of a better fabric, rather than having everybody wearing dreary long dresses that nobody will want to wear again. As for sleeveless, think of the wedding pictures. Unless your arms are incredibly toned from lifting weights or plastic surgery, upper arms on women over forty do not photograph well; when you see those wedding pictures, you might wish that you had worn a chic, dressy, fitted dinner suit to your daughter's wedding. My advice to you, especially if you are petite, is to stay away from that awful MOB look that most bridal shops try to sell and find an outfit that suits you and that you will wear again. Go with your gut: if you look better in a short dress, wear a short, chic suit that hits just below the knees and beautiful high heels.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm: California: July
Q I am attending a 4 o'clock July wedding in California. The invitations are black scroll script on off-white. It starts outdoors and is followed by cocktails, dinner and dancing. I purchased an off-the-shoulder, above-the-knee gold/bronze dress. The shoes are bronze high heel sandals. Is the dress appropriate? I am 5' 6', 125lbs.

A Your outfit sounds just right. Both the dress and shoes are perfect. My only suggestion, not even having seen the outfit, is that you take it easy on the accessories. A great pair of earrings, cocktail ring, one nice bracelet, and that's it.

Not having seen this for myself, I would suggest getting a second opinion from one of your friends before wearing any kind of necklace. The only problem I see with one shoulder short dresses is how to wear long hair and do you wear a necklace? Some will wear the long hair to one side, others pull it back. At any rate with long hair and the one shoulder, earrings and necklace, there is a lot going on there in a relatively small space. A good way to handle this is to put it all on, look in the mirror and take at least one accessory off.

The short answer is, yes, the dress is appropriate, just don't over-dress it with too many accessories because gold and bronze are festive enough colors that can stand alone with out much help.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: Charlottesville in April
Q 4 pm wedding early April Charlottesville, VA -- We are invited to a wedding of a couple in their 50s/60s. The ceremony is at a church and a reception will follow at a nearby dining club. Out-of-town and other guests are then invited to their home for a late supper after the reception. I am in my 50s, around size 8, fit and from NYC and don't know the local dress customs. Would a sleeveless medium berry colored dress to my knee (a party dress that is not tailored but also not too dressy/cocktailish) be appropriate? Or should I go with a tailored black dress or soft jacket and black knee-length skirt? Also, is a suit a must for my husband or can he wear a blazer and slacks? Thanks very much.

A The berry dress sounds very chic. Dress as though you are going to an upscale NY restaurant or cocktail party. Your husband should wear a dark suit, as he is of a certain age and will be more comfortable and distinguished looking in a tie and suit with black shoes, socks, and belt.

The tailored black dress with the soft jacket sounds lovely, too, and might be warmer since the wedding ceremony is at 4:00, and you'll possibly be partying until midnight; you can always take the jacket off when you start dancing. It might depend upon the weather as to which outfit you wear, so log-on to a Charlottesville website and find the projected weather forecast for Virginia while you're packing your bag. At any rate, if you decide on the berry, it would be best to take a jacket or light-weight coat to wear out on your way to the various evening activities.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: Chicago: Black Tie
Q I have a 4:00 wedding in a cathedral in Chicago. The cocktail hour is from 6-7 and the reception begins at 7:00. The invitation states black tie. I was planning on wearing a long gown but don't want to be too dressy. Is a long gown acceptable to wear to the service?

A You will find that some of the guests who live nearby will go home and change between the service and cocktails. Yes, you could wear an evening dress to the service, but you might find that most of the women will be wearing very dressy, good quality cocktail dresses that fall to the knee, or above the knee if they're under fifty, with beautiful shoes. Black Tie doesn't mean that you have to wear a long gown, especially when the wedding starts at four o'clock. If the dinner were at eight, you would need to wear an evening dress, but before then a chic and lovely cocktail dress is much more fun.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: Chicago: October
Q I am attending a wedding downtown Chicago Oct. 15th. Church service at 4:00, cocktails, dinner and dancing at 6:00. My number one dress choice is a black chiffon, one shoulder dress with a rhinestone/ sparkly knot on the shoulder. It hits just above the knees. I will be wearing a wrap in and out of the cab. Is this dress appropriate for a fall wedding in Chicago and if so what shoe should I wear? I know no jewelry except for a ring or bracelet. My 13 year old daughter says the dress may be too dressy.

A The dress, as bomb as it sounds, might be a tad dressy for a four o'clock wedding in a church. However, I love black chiffon for dancing, which you'll be doing later on. Wear the dress and the wrap, but take it down with accessories: classic black shoes, small black clutch, possibly fake diamond earrings and possibly a cocktail ring.

Wear a classic black shoe, don't get all strappy or rhinestoney because you've already got that rhinestone/sparkly knot on the shoulder.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm: Hamptons
Q I am attending a wedding in the Hamptons the second weekend in September beginning at 4 pm. Weather permitting, the ceremony will be held outdoors and the reception outdoors under a tent overlooking the bay. The venue advises against high heels because of them sinking into the grass. I'm a 25 year old female...what to wear!?!

A When the wedding doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. For a four o'clock wedding wear a beautiful dress that falls just above the knees with lovely flats and carry a small clutch for your lipgloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: New Jersey: August
Q Hi Didi,
I have a wedding to go to in Jersey City in August. No dress code is specified. The invitation is formally worded but not engraved; the ceremony is at 4pm with a reception to follow, both being held at the Harborside Financial Center. I'm a Californian, 28 years old, 6 feet tall, size 4, fair coloring. How formal should I be? I was thinking of wearing a dark purple satin tailored sheath dress (knee- length) with a beading detail at the neckline. Is satin too formal? Is dark purple too dark for a summer wedding? Should I wear a flowy floral dress instead?
Thank you!

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, you can assume that the dress code is Suits and Dresses. Your dress sounds fabulous; however, because you asked, in my opinion, you might find satin a bit heavy in August in New Jersey. A short chiffon, just above the knee dress might be more weddingish in August. A chiffon with a bit of swing in the skirt on the dance floor might be a bit more youthful. I fear the dark purple satin sheath with beading, as beautiful as it sounds, might be too evening dressy for a four o'clock wedding. A soft chiffon would swing both ways.

By the way, since I don't believe in buying a dress of a specific occasion, the short, purple satin would be absolutely fine, but wear nude colored shoes to bring it down a notch.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: Upstate New York
Q Hello, I am attending a wedding this weekend in upstate New York. The wedding is at 4 pm. I have a dress I was thinking of wearing. It's a short platinum grey with palettes. The sequins are in a pattern, not covering the entire dress. Your thoughts.


A Sounds lovely. However, it depends upon the color gray. If the platinum/gray is light enough to be mistaken for white, then don't wear it because you don't want to look like a wannabe bride.

The lovely platinum gray dress sounds a bit dressy for the up-country at four o'clock. Take it down a notch or two with the accessories. High heels might bring you down, if the ceremony is on grass, so you might want to wear beautiful flats. On the other hand, you could wear a great hat or fascinator at that hour.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 pm: Virginia in August
Q Hi, wedding in August, invitation 5x7 outlined is purple/pink border black print cursive, no dress indicated on invitation, wedding at a church in Virginia 4:00, reception at a hotel afterwards; any ideas on what type of dress is appropriate? 40 years old, size 10 36D...the church w/ hotel afterwards... has me confused. What is the etiquette on this type of wedding, business dress cocktail, no skin, some skin, please help?

A There is no need to be confused. When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. In other words, Cocktail Attire. Since the church might not be air conditioned--even in August--don't worry about showing skin because it will be bloody hot. Wear a beautiful dress that falls just above your knees with really pretty shoes. It can be sleeveless, strapless, or just a really well-made "sundress." If you wish to wear a hat or fascinator to the church, headwear is all the rage, especially in Virginia.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00 PM: Toronto
Q My husband and I are attending a 4:00 wedding in Toronto. Is it appropriate to wear a patterned dress? The dress is solid black on top with an empire cut and the lower half is white with large black circles--not polka dot. Is that too busy of a pattern?

A Sounds great. Not to worry, the dress is fun and chic.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00: September: One-Shouldered Dress
Q I am going to a 4:00 pm wedding and evening reception in mid-September and was wondering whether a one-shouldered dress would be appropriate. It is deep purple, hits above the knee, and has a Greek style to it. It also has a silver metal band cinching in the shoulder fabric, and I was wondering if I can pair a necklace with something like that.

A Your dress sounds lovely, if a bit dressy for a four o'clock wedding, although I don't know the location of the wedding. A big city ballroom wedding is far dressier than the more relaxed country church wedding. Either way, I would dress it down because, after all, it is an afternoon wedding ceremony. One-shoulder dresses are difficult to accessorize. If you have long hair and are wearing it down, then wear great earrings. If your hair is short, you can wear a choker necklace and earrings. Stay with the silver metal for the jewelry, but keep it simple and clean.

As my daughters say, "Look in the mirror on your way out the door and take off one accessory." Otherwise you can look cheesy.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:00pm: Shoes
Q 4:00PM wedding - just below the knee empire waist kind of a satin material dress, is it ok to wear tan colored open-toe high heels with this dress or should I wear silver?...

A I am a huge fan of nude colored shoes right now. They elongate the legs. Silver is more wintery.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 in the Park in Minneapolis
Q Hi Didi,
4:30 pm wedding at a park, followed by reception at the Museum of Science in Minneapolis. Young-looking grandmother and very young-looking aunts (fit and healthy and appearing ageless) as well as two uncles wonder what we should wear. Read your column, which you suggested more specific info would glean more specific suggestions. Thanks for this wonderful service!
Very sincerely,
Kay Metherell
director@silverstar.com

A Assuming that this is a summer wedding since the ceremony is taking place in a park, you would not wear formal attire. On the contrary, the women would wear great day dresses, perhaps cotton sundresses with strappy sandals and the men would wear light colored slacks and jackets with collared shirts and colorful ties, and brown shoes, but not necessarily socks.

More specifically for the women, pretty, cheerful dresses or skirts with beautiful blouses. The length would be just below the knees or above the knees. Less of a tailored Ralph Lauren style and more of a flirty, festive look. Because I don't know your builds or coloring, this is a really general answer.

You might also think about the weather, because if it's been raining a lot, you wouldn't want to wear heels that are too high because they will sink right into the moist earth. It can still be sunny and hot at 4:30 PM, so a straw hat with a colorful band of flowers would be the perfect look for a late afternoon wedding in the park.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 P.M.: Indiana
Q I'm going to a wedding that is at 4:30 pm in May in Indianapolis, IN, and it's at the Avon Gardens. Should I wear a spring bright-colored dress or go more formal?

A Please, don't wear a long dress. In trend is wearing a brightly colored, chic, short dress. My advice is to wear an above the knee dress with strappy sandals or beautiful pumps.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm Black Tie or Not?
Q Having black tie/non-black tie dilemma for the wedding. On one hand, Manhattan in late November and venue is fairly formal (and having formal dinner and dancing party). On the other hand, perhaps a "bit much"? My ceremony is at 4:30 pm in the afternoon (which in my opinion is too early for black tie in the city) and let's be frank, I am not exactly throwing an over-the-top wedding in the Four Seasons. However, I am always happy to be invited to a black tie if only because it's so clear what both men & women are meant to wear. Any thoughts would be welcome!!!!!



A Because it is a 4:30 wedding it is not a black-tie wedding. The chicest New York weddings that I have been to in the past few years were not black tie. If the Bushes didn't have a black-tie wedding, then you know that the trend is non-black-tie weddings. At this moment in time, the trend is not black tie and a black-tie wedding seems pretentious. The exception would be if it was a candlelight ceremony starting at eight o'clock. That is a formal evening wedding these days; usually held in a glamorous (read tacky) ballroom. Dark suits are so easy for most men and little black dresses are de rigeur for most young women at weddings that time of year. I would rather go for chic than formal any day. Anybody can do formal, but to be chic is the ultimate in sophistication.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm California in March
Q I am attending a 4:30 p.m. wedding at the Pelican Hill Resort in Newport Beach, CA, this March. Can I wear black velvet pants and shell with a dressy jacket and beautiful jewelry? I am an older woman (early 60s...still attractive with a classy short haircut...makeup well done)? I'm not sure whether pants are acceptable and whether velvet is okay to wear in March?


A It is good that you asked. I am not a big fan of women in pants at weddings unless that is your only style of dress--your trademark. Velvet would be too warm to wear in Newport Beach, CA, in the late afternoon. Since you are still attractive, why not wear a sheath with a matching jacket or light weight coat, or a silk spring suit that is well-made and tailored to fit your figure. You ask if it is okay? No, it is not okay.

After looking at photos of the Pelican Hill Resort on the Internet, it is hard to imagine guests wearing velvet at a 4:30 pm wedding. Palm trees and velvet don't mesh. In my opinion, you would keep the shell, dressy jacket and beautiful jewelry, but substitute the velvet pants for a beautifully tailored skirt, or a chiffon skirt that falls just below your knees and pretty shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 PM: Black Tie Encouraged
Q What does black tie encouraged mean? This is a wedding we will be attending in the early evening. (4:30 PM)
The reception is at a country club.

A Basically, what the hosts are trying to say is that they want guests to wear their best Suits & Dresses. When the wedding doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses, which is Cocktail Attire. Men don't have to wear a tuxedo, but the hosts want men to wear suits with ties and not show up in cargo pants or jeans.

The problem is this: 4:30 PM is too early to call it a formal wedding because a formal wedding is after six o'clock, so they are edging on wanting it to be formal, but are saying that if you don't have a tuxedo, you don't need to rent one if you have a good suit. Country Club dress code at that hour would be Suits & Dresses (short cocktail dresses) and no tuxedos. "Black Tie Encouraged" is my least favorite dress code because it is a wannabe formal dress code for a party that isn't formal. Please, don't tell your hosts I told you that. Thanks.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm: California: Wearing Black
Q I have a wedding to attend this Saturday in Hollywood , CA. Church ceremony is at 4:30 and reception is at 7. My husband wants me to wear my black dress 3/4 sleeves and the length to mid-legs. Is it ok to wear it?

A Can you wear a black dress to a late afternoon wedding? Yes, you can, but you might want to lighten up the all-black by wearing nude colored shoes.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 PM: Hats
Q I am going to a wedding next weekend and want to wear a hat. The wedding is at 4:30 in the afternoon. What should I do?

A Wear a hat, hats are perfect for weddings. If you don't have a hat already, look for one that doesn't have a huge brim because you'll have to hold on to it every time you go to kiss someone.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm: Indiana in September
Q I am attending 4:30 wedding in late Sept. in Indiana. What is the proper attire for a woman?

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 PM: Minnesota September
Q What to wear to a 4:30 pm wedding Memorial Day weekend, outside under a canopy at a lakeside resort (Drummond Island)in Upper Peninsula, MI.? Temp range could be 40* to 70*...! (Bride and groom moms said they are prepared to wear long underwear under their long dresses with jacket.) I'm 50 and fit, hourglass figure, 5'8" but, blown veins mean I no longer wear knee-length skirts which you seem to generally advise. It's either long or pants for me. Which would you advise? I do have a sleeveless, collarless, chocolate brown knit long sheath which I have paired with both a seafoam green jacket or a tan, with lilac flowers jacket but both have small rhinestone buttons....too dressy? I do have a pashmina I can add to that for warmth but am concerned that I may still be cold. Help please!

A You've pretty much decided what you will and won't wear, so I certainly won't try to talk you into wearing anything else. Of the two, wear the jacket that doesn't have the rhinestone buttons. And pack the pashmina, because you might need that, too.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 pm: October
Q I am attending a fall wedding. (Early Oct.) The ceremony is outdoors and the reception will take place on the terrace. Is it okay to wear an aqua/teal charmeuse dress with a square neckline and a an A-line silhouette? I thought about accessorizing with browns. The ceremony is at 4:30 on a Friday with the reception following immediately.

A Be fair warned, I am not a fan of accessorizing with the color brown for a late afternoon into evening wedding, and the brown/blue combo is very last year. That said, I would suggest that you wear nude-colored patent leather heels with your satin dress. As I don't know what other accessories you're planning on wearing, I can only recommend that since aqua/teal is such a strong and earthy color duo, that you keep to a neutral hue. Or stay with a totally aqua/teal look.

Alternatively, think about accessorizing with navy blue or black, if you don't like nude and want to introduce another color. And I wouldn't mind a really good looking small bright red clutch bag to give you a bit of pop. Or you could wear a beautiful felt hat or feathered fascinator to a late afternoon fall wedding to look more fascinating.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 4:30 PM: Summer Heat: Suits & Dresses
Q Hello,I LOVE your site ;)
Wedding- JULY 30 @ 4:30p.m.-

My husband an I are attending a 4:30 p.m. wedding reception in a Presbyterian Church with a sit down reception following at a historic train station that basically has a banquet hall. I am baffled at what we should wear considering the time and the difference in venues. The invitation is pretty casual and the bride and groom are more fun, laid back people...but do dress nice and our trendy. I have a trendy, floral, a-line, semi- cocktail dress with nude pumps I could wear- but didn't want to look to dressy/fussy..? Or, I have a trendy one- shoulder dress that is red in the background with a fun, bit more casual floral pattern with a darker nude strappy sandal..? My husband has just about anything to wear. He has everything from suits to sports coats to trendy button- downs as well as suspenders/braces- ;) I would love any comments and advice you would love to share.
Thank you!

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your short cocktail dresses sound perfect, but do remember that since the ceremony is being performed in a church, the dress code might not be as laid back as you imagine. My point is this, it is a church wedding and a short above the knee cocktail dress would be perfect. Not all churches are air conditioned, so your husband will want to wear his lightest weight summer suit or a summer blazer with white or off-white pants, with a collared shirt, great tie and loafers without socks. He can dust a bit of talcum powder in his shoes to keep his feet from sticking. Remind him that he can always take off his tie and jacket at the reception.

If you want to add a bit of trendy flare, why not wear a great fascinator or hat, which you can leave in the car after the church service?

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 P.M. North Carolina in April
Q I was invited to a wedding recently and the invitation did not state a dress code, I have no idea what to wear! The wedding is at 5:00 PM with a reception following, in the middle of April, and at a plantation home in North Carolina. I am 22 years old tall and slim. I was wondering if a knee-length fuchsia cocktail dress with a decorative warped front that is not flashy would be appropriate with strappy gold heels that have large gold jewels down the front? This is the outfit that I wore to my sorority's winter cocktail if that helps give you a better idea of the type of outfit it is.

A Your hosts assume that if you're being invited to their daughter's wedding, you know how to dress and they are right. When the invitation doesn't state Black Tie, then assume that you would wear what you wore to your sorority's winter cocktail. Non-black-tie weddings are very chic right now. It is the quality of the dress and the men's suit that is important. Any man can rent a cheap tuxedo. You're on the right track.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Black and White Wedding
Q Is it ok for the stepmother to wear a black dress to a 5pm black and white wedding?

A In my opinion, a black dress is always incredibly chic. If you want to make that little black dress more wedding-ish, load on the pearls. To lighten up the look, wear slightly shiny or shimmery legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone. To summerize the look of the black dress, wear something turquoise of aquamarine, perhaps a ring, brooch, earrings, or a nice, small clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM Florida:: Outdoors
Q We are attending a destination wedding in Florida. It is a 5pm wedding, formal and outdoors. What to wear??

A Traditionally, a five o'clock wedding is not that formal, especially if it is outdoors, so you wouldn't want to overdress. If the invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, you would wear your best dark, lightweight suit instead of a tuxedo. If you're a woman under fifty, you would wear a beautiful cocktail dress that falls just above your knees, with great shoes and pearls. Otherwise, a dressy dinner suit that falls just below your knees would be appropriate. As I don't know your builds or ages, this is a rather general answer. Remember that just because the groom and groomsmen are wearing tuxedos, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is an ultra formal wedding, so find out.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Atlanta in August
Q What do you wear to a 5 pm wedding in Atlanta in August; reception at a private club; formal invitation?

A Depending upon your gender, if you are a man, you would wear a tuxedo when the invitation is formal. South of the Mason-Dixon Line (which divides the North from the South, as any state south of Pennsylvania and Delaware is considered to be in the South), he also has the option in the warmer months to wear a white dinner jacket with black tuxedo pants, a collared white dress shirt, and a black bow tie, along with black leather shoes and black garter-length socks.

A woman would wear a dressy short dress, dinner suit, sheath with matching jacket, or blouse and skirt, that, depending upon her age, either falls just below her knees or just above her knees (if she is under fifty).

A five o'clock wedding, even though it says formal is not as formal as an eight o'clock wedding, which is why the woman probably wouldn't wear a floor-length dress to a wedding that starts before six o'clock. Since long dresses tend to make most women look dowdy, the option to wear a short dress is usually taken.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Charlestown, Ma.
Q Hi Didi,
I'm attending a wedding in Charlestown, Ma., at the end of May at 5 o'clock. I'm on the heavy side and would appreciate any suggestions for attire.

A What you wear would depends upon so many factors: the formality of the wedding (Did the invitation state Black Tie?), your gender, and age. Since I know nothing about you, or the event this is a general answer.

For a five o'clock wedding, you would wear a dark suit, with a white shirt and silk tie, along with black shoes, socks, and belt. If you are, say, in your twenties, you could wear a dark navy blue blazer with grey flannel pants or dress khakis, with the same accessories.

A woman would wear a dressy skirt suit that is nipped-in at the waist. A sheath with a matching jacket or pretty sweater would work as well. Luckily, you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress because it is a five o'clock wedding, so there is one thing we know: no long or tea-length dress. Women over a certain age tend to look dowdy in lengths more that an inch below their knees. You would wear beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch. As I said, if you are over forty, you want to look dignified and elegant. A well-tailored outfit that follows your curves would flatter your figure, whatever your age. If you are under forty, do wear a dress with a flirty skirt good for dancing.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Chicago in May
Q I am attending a 5:00 pm wedding at the end of May (in a suburb of Chicago). It will be held on a golf course with the reception to follow in the clubhouse. My husband is the best man. What kind of attire would be appropriate? A black cocktail dress or a mid-calf black and white printed dress?

A The mid-calf black and white printed dress would be more appropriate for a spring wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Memphis
Q My husband and I are attending a 5:00 wedding October 30th at a vineyard in Memphis, TN. My husband is wearing a black suit?? I have no clue what to wear. I am 24 and slenderly built. The wedding will be outside if weather permits.

A Wear a pretty dress with a flirty skirt that falls just above your knees and beautiful shoes. You want to look pretty when attending a wedding so wear something special. You'll be going to lots of weddings so have that special outfit in your closet for just such an occasion. The dress should be slightly glamorous and yet comfortable enough to dance in. Take a small sweet clutch bag for your lipgloss and ID.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Philadelphia
Q I am invited to a 5:00 wedding in October at a beautiful historic building in Philadelphia. The wedding and reception are in the same location. The invitation does not specify the attire. I am 53 years old and have a pretty slender figure. I bought a 2 piece dark purple outfit that looks like a gown and drags on the floor in the back, i.e. slight train as is the current fashion. It has no sequins or beads and the top is very fitted with 3/4 length sleeves and a little low cut. The skirt is straight with a slight flare at the bottom. I am concerned that it is too dressy given the 5:00 hour. I am wondering if I should buy a short dressy dress instead.

A In my opinion, the outfit you describe is too formal for an informal wedding. When the invitation doesn't state Black Tie and the ceremony is at five o'clock, you would wear a dressy skirted dinner suit or a cocktail dress, not a long dress and especially not with a train of any length.

The reason there is no dress code on the invitation is because a five o'clock wedding is not formal. Your instincts were correct and I'm sure your dark purple outfit is stunning, but at this wedding the only woman wearing a long gown will be the bride. Do go out and buy yourself one of those chic draped cocktail dresses that falls just below the knees.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm in Shreveport, La.
Q Didi

I am going to a 5pm church wedding, with dinner reception in a casino ballroom. I am 53 and wear a size 16; would a nice pair of black pants and a dressy blouse be okay for this wedding? I don't wear dresses often and hate to have to buy something I probably will not wear again. This wedding is in Shreveport, LA.

A You're not going to like my answer: I'm not a big fan of women wearing pants to a wedding. At your age you want to look elegant and dignified. Wear a simple well-tailored dress. Alternatively, a skirt suit that falls just below the knees would be fine. If you wish to wear the dressy blouse, that's fine, too, but buy yourself a flattering skirt and some beautiful shoes. You might find that it's fun to have a new look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Maine Wedding in August
Q I'm attending a 5 o'clock wedding in Boothbay, Maine, August 2nd . The wedding is going to be outside . The bridesmaids are wearing a tank-style baby blue dress just below the knee. I think a satin material The reception is then going to be inside the inn. I'm not sure if a black dress would be ok or a sold color dress, what length to wear, or even what color. Would it be ok to wear a strapless dress? Please help.

A Yes, do wear a strapless, but maybe not black. If it were a big city wedding, I would say black is where it's at, but Boothbay, Maine, is more laid back. Depending upon your build and age, you can certainly wear a strapless dress that falls just above your knees. The color would depend upon your coloring. I, personally, love white chiffon with a floral pattern dress that has a good swing for dancing, with strappy sandals. Alternatively, a wrapdress or a silk sundress would be fine, too. For a solid color, you wouldn't want to wear baby blue; any color but red would be fine. At a wedding, you wouldn't want to draw guests' attention away from the bride by wearing red. As to length, I am not a huge fan of long or tea-length dresses, as they tend to make most women look dowdy. If you're under fifty and your legs are fairly decent, by all means, let the hem fall just above your knees. Older, the hem should fall just below the knees.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm New York City: Summer
Q I am a 30-year-old woman whose boyfriend will be in the wedding, and wearing a tux. The ceremony is being held in a large catholic cathedral and the reception will be held in an old and distinguished club in New York City at 5:00 pm in the summer.

A When a wedding invitation doesn't specify a dress code, then you can assume that the dress code is Suits and Dresses, despite the fact that your husband, who is in the wedding party, has to wear a tuxedo.

Wear a short cocktail dress that falls just above your knees, with beautiful shoes and a pretty small clutch. Wear the kind of dress you would wear to a dressy cocktail party or to a very upscale restaurant or club.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Newport in July
Q We are attending a weekend wedding in Newport RI end of August; there are 2 occasions: rehearsal dinner on boat cruise at 4:30...next day 5PM formal wedding at the Goat Island Marina.

What is the proper dress for both men and woman for these occasions? Thank You

A For the rehearsal dinner, if the invitation didn't state "Black-tie" or "Jacket and tie," then a male guest would wear either a blazer and khaki pants or a shirt with shorts; a woman would wear a skirt or slacks with a nice top. A lightweight sweater casually tied over the shoulders is always a practical good look. How dressed up you get really depends if the rehearsal dinner is on a sailboat or a dinner cruise boat. It could be either. Some of the dinner cruise boats are quite formal and a jacket and tie is de rigueur; however, the less formal boats are more relaxed. For the formal wedding, if the invitation states "Black-tie," it means that the man would wear a tuxedo or dark blue lightweight suit and the woman would wear a short, dressy cocktail dress. Five o'clock is really too early for a "formal" wedding, which is why, in my opinion, you would not be required to wear a tuxedo or a long evening dress. It is best in an ambiguous situation such as this that you talk to a member of the bridal party, who is also attending the rehearsal dinner, about the dress code.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Outdoor Formal Wedding
Q Is it appropriate for a man to wear a teal jacket , navy pants to a 5:00 PM outdoor formal wedding?

A Teal and navy are a great combination, but not for a formal wedding. If the invitation states "Black-tie," you will need to wear a tuxedo, or at the very least a dark navy blue lightweight suit with black shoes. You better check with someone in the wedding party to find out about the dress code because five o'clock is early for a formal wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm Service
Q My wife is 51. We are attending a 5:00 PM wedding. She wants to wear a red dress which has a red jacket. What kind of shoe and what color should she wear? This is a Fall wedding indoors. The dress is long. She dresses very conservatively. She really never wears heels.

A In my opinion, your wife shouldn't wear a long dress to a five o'clock wedding. If she does, she will feel overdressed. She could wear her best cocktail dress that falls just below her knees and has sleeves. Alternatively, a dressy skirted dinner suit in a fine fabric would be a good fit. If she doesn't normally wear heels, she doesn't have to because pumps and ballet style flats are very much in fashion.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM Wedding In France
Q My husband and I have been invited to a French wedding. This is a family my daughter lived with while studying abroad and we have become good friends. They have come to U.S. for her wedding and my son's and we are invited to her daughter's. She happens to be a countess also. I thought it would be very formal but she said just to wear a short dress. How formal? The wedding is Aug. 30 at 5:00 p.m. in the church in the small village. Cocktails and hors d'oeuvres are back at the Chateau for 1 1/2 hours and then the dinner will be in a tent after that on the grounds of the castle (her words). Her attire at our weddings was a nice short dress but not real formal. My husband was told no tux just a suit. Can you help me?

A For a five o'clock wedding you wouldn't wear a long dress or a tuxedo. The short cocktail dress is perfect for such an elegant occasion. Try looking on-line for a cocktail dress at local department stores. Look for a very simple, well-tailored, sheath with a matching jacket or short sleeves or, alternatively, a short, dressy, well-cut dinner skirt suit. Stay away from pale colors and stick with a solid color. For a wedding such as this, it is all about the quality of the fabric and design. A good department store will have a tailor who can fit the dress or suit to you. Your hem would fall just below your knees. A small evening bag and beautiful low heeled shoes would also be of good quality. Wear your best jewelry, but not too much of it.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: California
Q Dear Didi,

What do I wear to a 5:00 wedding at the Four Season's Hotel in Westlake, Ca?

Thank you1

Marilyn

A What I usually do is go to the wedding event website and look at the photos. In this situation the Four Seasons in Westlake, CA, and click on weddings to see what people seem to be wearing. When the invitation does not specify black-tie, you can assume that the dress code is Suits and Dresses. With that in mind, remember that CA tends to be a bit less dressy than the East Coast.

In my opinion, depending upon your build and age, you would wear a well-made beautiful cocktail dress that falls just above your knees if you are under fifty, just below the knees otherwise. Fabulous shoes always look great on the dance floor, and a small pretty clutch for your lipgloss is a must.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: Castle Lawn in July
Q Hi Didi,

I am attending my boyfriend's mother's second wedding, which will be fairly small and take place in July at 5 pm on a castle lawn with a reception on site. My options are a dark green flutter sleeve lace dress which is knee-length in the front and slightly longer in the back, a cream lace dress which is about knee-length and which I would wear with a hat, or a fitted gold and black brocade sheath with a matching bolero jacket. The family is very conservative, so I would like to look classy without looking matronly as I am 19 years old.

A Such great choices. Love the cream lace dress, but you probably want to stay away from wearing anything close to white, even off-white, because you don't want to look like a wanna-be bride. Without having seen any of these three dresses, my guess would be the dark green with the flutter sleeves. It sounds charming and youthful. The fitted gold and brocade sheath with the bolero jacket might be a bit dressy for a country wedding, which is why I have less difficulty imagining the dark green dress with the flutter sleeves on the green lawn. I always try to imagine the photos. When you see the photos, how do you want to be remembered?

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: Colorado
Q I'm going to a wedding on October 1st in Beaver Creek, Colorado, reception to follow in Vail, Colorado. The wedding will take place at 5:00 p.m. The attire is black tie. I've bought a dress that is long and one shoulder. It is a aquamarine, light blue color. I'm doubting the dress now, hearing that it's smarter to wear a darker color to a black tie wedding. The wedding is a close family friend, and I would like to make a good impression for me and our family. Thoughts? Advice?

A First off, you don't have to wear a long dress to a five o'clock wedding. Just because it is a formal wedding, it doesn't mean you have to wear long before six o'clock. Wear a chic black cocktail dress that falls just above your knees (if older than sixty, just above your knees), with beautiful shoes and a small clutch bag.

Personally, I think the light blue dress sounds lovely, so if you look and feel great in it, wear it with nude colored high heels and a small pretty clutch. As I don't know your age or build, this is a very general answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: Country Club
Q I am attending a 5 o'clock church wedding with a dinner and dancing reception/sit down dinner at a country club. I live in Ohio. The wedding will be early May. Attire was not requested on the invitation. Do I have to wear a long dress? Is it okay for me to wear a knee-length dress?

A Please don't wear a long dress. If the dress code Black Tie is not stated on the invitation, you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. I have no idea of your build, age, or style, but for a five o'clock church wedding followed by a seated dinner and dancing at a country club, you would wear a very good cocktail dress that depending upon your age would fall above your knees or just below your knees. Wear beautiful shoes with a heel, but not too high because you'll be dancing. Your legs will look best in quality legwear that is a tone lighter than your legs and that has a slight shimmer to it. May can be chilly in Ohio, so you want to have a pashmina or dressy sweater to wear if there is a chill in the air. A pretty clutch bag is always chic. Pearls are de rigueur for weddings, so if you have them, wear them or buy good imitations.

About the dress. A lot depends upon your build and age. If you're under 45, by all means wear a dress that has a flirty skirt that makes dancing fun. If your arms are not as buff as you wish they were, wear a dress with short or three quarter length sleeves. Remember that a dress with a V neck will make you look slimmer and that a dress that shows your curves always flatters your figure.

If you are older, a dressy dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket are both perfect for a wedding. A dress with a matching light-weight coat is lovely as well. The older you are the more dignified and elegant you want to look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: Country Club
Q What should I wear to a 5pm wedding..reception is at a country club. There will be cocktails, dinner and dancing. Could I wear linen white pants with a dressy blouse and sling-back shoes?

A In my opinion, you wouldn't wear white linen pants unless you were a man and it was a summer wedding or the wedding was taking place in the tropics. As I have no idea of your age, gender, build, or the dress code, I would recommend country club dress code, which for a five o'clock wedding would be a cocktail dress with a flirty skirt, if you're under fifty, and a dressy skirt-suit or sheath with a matching jacket if you are older.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: Formal Attire
Q Wedding 5:00 Outdoor Wedding and reception, invitation states "Formal Attire". The entire evening will be at the groom's parents home. Ceremony will be held under an old, beautiful tree, the reception will be under a large event tent which will include a sit down buffet dinner with dancing, open bar and dancing. What is the etiquette for a woman guest to wear? Can I wear black or should I stay with a dark grey lace overlay fitted above the knees dress I have purchased? And what color shoes would you wear grey, neutral or would you add a pop of color? Thank you.

A You can definitely wear gr ay lace if it is a dark gray and clearly not an off-while. Have satin shoes dyed to match the dress or wear black for evening.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: Garden Wedding: Men
Q Please "dress" my husband for a 5:00 garden wedding.

A Assuming the dress code is Suits and Dresses, he would wear a navy blue suit or a navy blue blazer with off-white pants, either would be worn with a white collared shirt with a great tie, and black Gucci-style loafers. He wouldn't need to wear socks in the summer.

Since I don't know the age of your husband, this is a very general answer. If he's older than forty, men of that age are more comfortable wearing a light-weight dark navy blue or gray suit to a wedding and not loafers but tie black shoes, black socks and black belt, perhaps with a white handkerchief in his breast pocket.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: Hats
Q Hi Didi,

Is a hat appropriate for a summer evening wedding? The ceremony is scheduled for 5pm on a castle terrace, and the reception will also be outdoors. I have a beige halter dress with a black sash and some black heels that I intend to wear, and I had hoped to wear a big black hat for the ceremony and take it off for the reception. The sun doesn't set around here till almost 9, so the atmosphere is more nearly that of an afternoon wedding.

A Shall you or shall you not wear a hat to a five o'clock wedding? In my opinion, you would be very silly not to take advantage of such a fun weapon of coquetry. A little silk or straw hat would be quite elegant, I say "little" because little is much more convenient to travel with and to greet with a kiss. Weddings, and their receiving line, are very much about kissing, sometime one check and then the other, so a hat with a wide brim could be awkward should you have to hold on to your hat while greeting someone with a kiss. The shape, or line of the hat, and the quality of the materials is of course terrifically important.

A beautiful hat, whether it is dignified, happy, or elegant, is the quintessence of femininity.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: Memphis: Black and White
Q Sorry - I sent a wedding etiquette question about the 5PM Memphis wedding in July...forgot to mention that it is a church wedding. Not sure about the location of the reception.

A No need to apologize, the time doesn't really make a difference. Black and white dresses are always chic, they always fit in and are appropriate for most occasions, just don't wear white accessories.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: North Carolina: October
Q I am attending a wedding at Bald Head Island NC late October at 5 pm. Wedding will be held outside at the lighthouse. What is the appropriate attire? I was told the mother of the bride will be wearing a short "skirt" length. Not sure about the shoes because I don't know if the turf is sand or boarded, so to be safe wear beautiful pumps or flats.

A Depending on your age, build and gender, the dress code, unless otherwise stipulated, would be Suits and Dresses. An early evening outdoor wedding ceremony and on the sea, no less, will be chilly. Again depending on the above, a dress with a matching jacket would be great, as would a skirt suit, both would fall just above your knees if you're under fifty, otherwise just below your knees. A fall dress with a pretty cardigan sweater would be lovely as well. Not sure about the shoes because I don't know if the turf is sand or boarded, so to be safe, wear beautiful pumps or flats as you wouldn't want your high heels to sink into the sand or get caught in the space between the boards.

A man would wear either a mid-weight suit or a jacket or blazer with dress khaki pants or gray flannels, both with collared shirts and a great tie. Dark loafers and socks with a matching dark belt would be appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 pm: September: Golf Club
Q Hello, I am attending a 5 in the evening wedding with reception to be followed at a golf club on September 17. Please help, I have my eye on a espresso brown strapless evening gown. Is this okay

A My guess is that an evening gown is too dressy. You want to be wearing a short snappy cocktail dress with beautiful shoes and a small clutch bag.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 PM: Tea-Length + Ankles
Q DIdi, I am wearing a pale pink chiffon tea-length dress to a 5:00 wedding. I would like to know what color nylons and shoes to wear. I do like closed-in shoes. When
I ordered the jeweled neckline dress, the model was wearing silver strap shoes. Although very pretty, my feet are not. Please help...

A I'm not the person to ask, as I'm not a fan of tea-length, although, I do love chiffon. Wear a quality legwear, such as a piece from Wolford. It should be a shade lighter than your skin tone and have a bit of shine to it that will make your legs glow as though they were well-groomed and buffed. For a five o'clock wedding, nude colored heels would be lovely. Personally, I think straps at the ankles tend to make ankles look thicker than they actually are, so if you don't like strappy sandals, look for a beautiful pair of nude colored pumps or high heels and you'll find that you'll get a lot of use out of them. They are very chic just now.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00 Wedding: Women Guest
Q What is the proper attire for a lady to wear to a 5:00 P. M. wedding?

A It would depend upon the climate and the style of the wedding, as well as the age and build of the woman. The invitation should give you clues. For instance, if the wedding is taking place on a beach in Nantucket and there is a reception and dancing in a tent afterwards, you might wear a mid-calf dress with a pretty shawl or jacket. If the invitation states Black Tie, you would wear the kind of dress that you would wear to a dinner dance. If you are under 60, that might mean a flirty low cut dressy dress. If you are older, it might mean a dressy dinner suit or dress with matching jacket of good quality with, say, dressy buttons and trim. Wear comfortable but pretty shoes for the service that are also good for dancing and carry a small, dressy clutch bag. Shawls or jackets are a must because you might be going from a chilly church to an overheated ballroom, so dressing in layers is always a good idea when the venue changes locations. If you would like more specific information, you will have to tell me more about the wedding and yourself and I will help you find a flattering look for the wedding. For instance, I am a big fan of hats and gloves at the wedding that can be left in the car during the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:00pm: Wearing Nude to a Wedding
Q I am attending at 5 o'clock wedding at a mountain resort. Cocktails and ceremony are outside and reception inside. Is it ok to wear a nude/cream colored short dress to wedding?

A Sounds perfect to me. I know you're asking about the cream aspect and as I don't know how close this nude/cream is to off-white, I would suggest you wear nude/beige shoes and accessorize with coral or/and turquoise, if it is an upcoming summer wedding; a fall color of burnt orange or jade green if later in the year.

Obviously, you're sensitive to the fact that you don't want to look like a wanna' be bride, but I too love nude/beige and understand. So, the colors you accessorize with make you look authentically you.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 Atlanta n August: Women
Q I am invited to a 5:30 PM church wedding in Atlanta the end of August. The reception will be in a nearby club. I am 60 years old. If it's Black Tie, I know what to do, but if it's not, any suggestions? I have a tea-length pink linen with a white linen cut jacket with pink beading. Strappy sandals, beaded purse and simple jewelry?

A If the invitation doesn't clearly state black-tie, then you are off the hook about having to wear an evening dress. Since the invitation states 5:30 pm, you do not have to wear a long dress. Because I don't know your style or your build, my best guess is that you should wear a cocktail dress with three-quarter-length sleeves that falls just below your knees.

In my opinion, tea-length is rather dreary unless you are a teenager. Dresses that are too long tend to make older woman look dowdy. Have your pink dress shortened to just below your knee caps and wear legwear a shade lighter than the color of your legs. If the legwear has a bit of shimmer or shine to it, then they will look slightly dressy.

Even if you find out that it is a black-tie wedding, 5:30 is still too early to be in a long dress. You want to look elegant and dignified--which you would look, if you wore a just below the knee-length, dressy skirt-suit (often called a dinner suit) or dress with a matching jacket.

Not sure about the strappy sandals. If you have really great legs and ankles, fine, but when in doubt, don't call attention to areas that aren't your best asset. Strappy sandals tend to cut your legs off from your feet visually and therefore make you look shorter; they are usually worn by those under fifty. Look for a comfortable pair of soft leather or satin sling backs with a small to medium heel that would be comfortable for dansing. A beaded purse sounds a bit dressy for a late afternoon-early evening wedding. A plain colored satin, linen, silk or soft leather clutch would be simpler. Wear your good jewelry, but remember that less is more.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 January in Georgia: Country Club
Q What should I wear to a 5:30 p.m. January wedding in a Georgia Church with reception following at the Country Club?

A This is a really general answer because I don't know the formality of the wedding or anything about you, your gender, age, build, coloring.

Wear what you would wear to an upscale restaurant. A man would wear a dark business suit, a collared, non-button down long-sleeve shirt, great tie, black belt, shoes, socks and watch band, if it is leather. A woman would wear a dressy skirtsuit, a dress with matching jacket, or cocktail dress that falls just above her knees, or if she is older than sixty, just above her knees and the dress would have sleeves. Accessorize with beautiful shoes and a small clutch bag. I'm a huge fan of wearing a chic hat to a wedding and leaving it in the car when you go into the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 p.m. on May 1st
Q Hi Didi! My sister and I are attending a wedding, in a church, 5:30pm. The wedding is 5/1/10..... We are both between 170-200lbs... We are shapely and have cleavage.... We want to make sure we are dressed appropriately for the event. There is no specification of "black tie" or anything to give me clues about what to wear! Thanks in advance for your help.

A If the invitation doesn't state Black Tie then you are off the hook about having to wear a long dress. Since I don't know your age or where the wedding is taking place, this is a rather general answer. On May 1st the temperatures could well be in the high 50s as far south as South Carolina, so you would wear a dressy skirt suit with at least a three quarters length jacket, or take a sweater or shawl. A dress that falls just below the knees with a matching jacket would go well, too. You made no mention of the reception, so if there isn't dinner and dancing you wouldn't be wearing a dress with a lot of cleavage just to go to the church.

The formality of your outfits would depend upon the venue for the reception. How much leg and how much cleavage you show would depend upon how young you are and how cold the temperature.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM Atlanta: Ceremony Outdoors
Q What do you wear to a 5:30pm wedding in middle October?
The wedding is being held outdoors and will be in Atlanta, Georgia.

A Depending upon the dress code of the wedding, whether it is informal or formal, your gender, age, build and coloring, that's how you determine how to dress. If the invitation doesn't specifically state Black Tie, which I assume it doesn't, then 5:30 would mean men would wear light-weight dark suits, collared shirts that are not buttoned down, a bright silk tie, black socks, shoes, belt and watch band (if leather).

A woman under fifty, once again depending on her build, would wear a flirty cocktail dress with beautiful shoes and carry a clutch bag for her lipgloss. An elegant, dignified, well-made skirt suit or dress with any kind of a sleeve, would be most well suited for the rest of us.

When you say outdoors, I am assuming that that there will be a floored tent for the tables, chairs, and the dance floor.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 pm in Pittsburgh on July 4th
Q Hi Didi-

I am going to a 5:30pm wedding in Pittsburgh on Sunday the 4th of July. The invitations don't say specify whether it is formal or not, but it does say 5:30 pm in the afternoon, not evening. It is indoors. How formal should my dress be? Will my boyfriend need to wear a tux or will he be ok in a suit?

Thanks!

A You've picked up quite a few cues on the invitation for the 5:30 in the afternoon wedding. Since there is no dress code stating Black Tie, your boyfriend should not wear a tuxedo; a good suit is perfect; however, because it is summer he could also wear his best blazer with cream colored (or colored) pants, as long as he wears a collared shirt, silk tie, black socks and shoes and black belt.

You would not wear a long dress, instead a pretty dressy cocktail dress with a flirty skirt that falls just above your knees would be perfect. It is a great outfit for dancing. Beautiful shoes are always best on the dance floor. Your dress does not need to be formal, but it should be well-made and of good quality material. I am thinking a pale chiffon with a floral pattern that flatters your waistline. Carry a soft, pretty small clutch for your lip gloss.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 pm in Vegas
Q I am attending a wedding at 5:30 pm in Vegas. I have a right above the knee black satin dress kinda form fitting. What type of shoes, earrings and necklace if one is needed?

A Any sparkling, dangling earring that you would wear in the evening would be smashing. Strappy high heels are always fitting for a short black satin dress. They don't have to be black; silver or gold would work, too. Whether you wear a necklace or not would depend upon the earrings. If the earrings are significant, then skip the necklace, but you could wear a cocktail ring.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: August: Dress Length
Q I am attending a 5:30 pm wedding in late August (ceremony outdoors and reception will be indoors). The invitation says "cocktail attire". I am 45 yrs old and a size 12/14...5'-7". I want to wear a long "understated" patterned skirt (flowy fabric) that hits right above my ankles. My top is a v neck draped black top...not sure it is dressy enough? Can I wear all black or would that be inappropriate for a wedding? I am not a dress kinda gal...tend to wear black dress slacks. Am I correct to avoid any shimmer and bling?

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, meaning formal attire, then you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Cocktail Attire is Suits & Dresses. Cocktail Attire doesn't mean long dress.

You're not going to like my answer because I am not a fan of long patterned skirts. Personally,I think they are dowdy and tend to make a woman look dreary. I'm not talking here about getting into the shimmer and bling, I'm saying don't look dowdy. Wear a short cocktail dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful shoes and a small clutch bag for your lipgloss and keys.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 pm: Black Tie in California
Q What would you wear to a black-tie wedding at 5:30 PM in California? The wedding and reception are at a resort, and weather will be warm. My husband has a tuxedo, do I need to wear a floor-length dress? (I am in my thirties.) I have a teal satin floor-length dress that is strappy on top.

A You do not have to wear a long dress to a 5:30 PM black-tie wedding. At a warm weather resort, a silk chiffon dress with a flirty skirt that falls just above your knees would be perfect with beautiful shoes.

Of course, if you wish to wear a floor-length dress, you certainly can do so, but for dancing at a resort in warm weather, you might feel more comfortable in a short chiffon with a skirt that has some swing to it. A long satin dress sounds a bit hot for a warm summer night.

You asked what I would wear: I would wear a pale chiffon dress, perhaps with a floral pattern, that falls just above my knees and really good quality, elegant, open-toed, sling-backs with a medium height, thin heel. I would accessorize with a soft cloth clutch, a pearl necklace or beads, and a colorful cocktail ring on my right hand.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Black Tie: Chicago
Q My daughter and her fiance will be attending a wedding in Chicago in August. The ceremony is at 3:30 in a downtown hotel with cocktails at 5:30 followed by the reception. It is a very large, elaborate affair. The invitation says black tie. Given the daytime wedding and going into evening, we are a little torn with appropriate attire for the both of them. What is your advice? Thanks.

A Understandably, it is upsetting as 5:30 weddings are not traditionally Black Tie. Your daughter's fiance can wear a white dinner jacket with black pants, shoes, socks, belt, and bow tie. It would be totally appropriate for your daughter to wear a dressy cocktail dress that falls just above her knees, with beautiful shoes and a small, pretty clutch bag. Just because it says the wedding is black-tie, be assured that guests don't want to be traipsing around Chicago on a horribly hot afternoon in an evening dress or tuxedo. Others will fall into the "just barely BT attire," so don't let the kids suffer. Recommend that they take it down a notch from Black Tie because of the time of day. Not to worry, they will fit in.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Georgia
Q Not sure what to wear (I have options)...am attending a 5:30 p.m. wedding on the lawn of a B&B, May 21, in Athens, GA. Help PLEASE!

A If you're a woman, you would wear a short dress that falls above your knees, otherwise just below your knees with strappy sandals or beautiful pumps. A man would wear a light weight suit or a blazer with dress slacks, a collared shirt and tie.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Kentucky in May
Q I will be attending a late May wedding in Kentucky as a guest with my boyfriend. The ceremony will be held in the chapel of a religious college and the reception will be held on campus as well. The ceremony begins at 5:30. I am 23, 5'5, 120 lbs with blonde hair and green eyes. I have a bright floral print one shoulder dress that is fitted at the waist and falls above the knee. Would this dress be acceptable with nude pumps and pearls?

I will be attending a wedding later in May that begins at 6:30 and will be held at a historic building in downtown Lexington, Kentucky. There is a reception following and an after party thrown by the grooms family at a hotel downtown. The venue is a very nice location and guests will include many college friends and sorority sisters. What sort of attire would be appropriate for this wedding?

A Your bright floral print one shoulder dress sounds perfect. As it is a religious college, you might want to wear a lightweight pashmina or pretty cardigan, which you can take off and leave in the car before going to the reception.

You could wear that same outfit to the 6:30pm wedding. However, if you wanted to take it up a notch, you could wear bright colored shoes that are one of the bright colors in the dress and wear dangle earrings instead of the pearls, or a different necklace. I'm always curious with one shoulder dresses whether you wear your hair on the bare shoulder side or strap side, or both, or pull it back? You certainly could experiment by wearing it one way for the first wedding and another for the second, if you're looking to refresh your look.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Men: Not Black-Tie
Q Hi Didi,
My husband and I, along with our 28-year-old son will be attending a late August wedding. The ceremony is at 5:30 pm at a chapel on the property (Bonnet Island, NY). reception following in the beautiful ballroom. The invitation states Formal Attire but not Black Tie. What is the proper attire for the men? The Mayor of NY along with Judges and Attorney's will be there.


A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, then you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. In this case, where politicians are present, the uniform will be dark suits with white collared shirts, ties, and black socks, shoes, and belt. Your son can certainly get away with wearing a navy blue blazer and white or off-white pants with a white shirt, tie and black loafers. If he doesn't have white pants, he can wear dress khakis.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Pinehurst, NC in June
Q I am 52 years old, 5'5", 150 lbs, athletic (but not buff) build. The wedding I am attending is to be held late June in a Catholic Church, 5:30 pm, in Pinehurst, NC; reception following ceremony at the Country Club. I have a very flattering v-neck, shawl collar, 3/4 sleeve dress....the color is a deep plum. I plan to wear my gold jewelry. I have 2 questions:
1.) Is the color too dark for a June wedding?
2.) What color shoes should I wear?

Many thanks!

A No, the color plum is not too dark to wear to a June wedding. As for shoes, to soften the dark plum and elongate your overall appearance, wear shoes that are closer to your skin color. Wearing beautiful shoes that are near in hue to your skin tone will make you appear longer and leaner, especially if they have a bit of a heel to them and your legs are well-groomed and shiny.

Since you didn't mention the length of your dress, I wanted to remind you to keep it short. No longer than just below your knees will keep you from looking dowdy. You want to look chic and elegant, which it sounds as though you are.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: Shoe Color
Q I am attending a wedding at country club at 5:30 in Warrenton, VA. I purchased a berry colored sleeveless dress. I don't know what color shoes to wear with it. Please help me.

A Look for a nude or beige/nude colored shoe. Black would be too wintery for right now. You can also accessorize with a beige/nude small clutch bag. Alternatively, navy blue is equally chic.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 5:30 PM: South: Men and Women
Q Hi Didi, my boyfriend and I are going to a 5:30 pm wedding in the South in November. I am planning to wear a knee-length cocktail dress. He's considering just a button down dress shirt, dress pants and shoes with no coat or tie. Is this sufficient? I am 25 and he is 30.

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your dress sounds perfect. Out of respect for the bride, your boyfriend would wear a tie and jacket. Remind him that dress shirts are worn after six o'clock, so he needs to wear a white shirt that does NOT have a button down collar. If your boyfriend was a teenager or still in college, he could probably get away with not dressing up for the wedding, but in the South weddings are a fairly dressy affair. Take him to your local thrift shop and have him buy a dark suit, dress shirt and handsome tie. Alternatively, dark dress khaki pants with a well-made jacket. He'll also need dark shoes, socks and belt.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 Wedding
Q What is proper attire for guest of a 6:00 pm wedding? The invitation did not specify.

A As the invitation did not specify "Black Tie," you would not wear a tuxedo or a long dress. What you do wear depends upon your gender, age, build, the location of the wedding, climate, and whether it is a formal, semiformal or informal wedding. We've ruled out formal and time of day, so for a summer, semiformal evening wedding, a man might wear a dark lightweight suit or summer jacket with lightweight gray flannel trousers, a collared long sleeved dress shirt and a summer tie. Black shoes and black or navy blue socks that are high enough so that they don't let flesh show when the man is seated. Or he might wear a navy blue blazer with white pants, a colored or striped dress shirt and a tie with light socks and dark brown shoes. With either, he would wear a belt or suspenders but not both at once.

The location of the wedding reception might give you a clue as to whether you should dress up or dress down. For instance if the reception is a clambake on the beach, you might not wear a tie, jacket, socks or tie shoes or high heeled shoes. However, if the reception is at an expensive restaurant or private club, you would want to dress your best.

A woman might wear a pretty dress that falls just below her knees or is three-quarters length, with sling-back or strappy heels. She might wear a lightweight shawl or scarf and a small decorative evening bag. An older woman might wear a dinner suit in a quality fabric with decorative buttons or a beautiful long sleeved blouse and skirt that falls below the knees with sling-back low heel shoes for dancing, and a pretty evening bag. If the reception is at a hotel or restaurant she might want to be sure that she takes along something to cover her arms in case the facility is air-conditioned. The emphasis would be on simplicity of cut, quality fabrics, and small decorative touches, such as piping and buttons, pretty earrings or brooch.

If you would like to return to my Web site and ask the question again telling me more about the location of the reception and the climate at the time of the wedding, I will give you a more precise answer. I would also need to know your gender, age, and build.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM
Q Can I wear long white button-down skirt w/ black top to 6:00 pm wedding?

A Out of respect for the bride, you wouldn't wear white as one of two of your primary colors. Quite frankly, you wouldn't wear a long dress either.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm at Southern Baptist Church in April
Q I am 56, my neice is getting married in a southern baptist church at 6:00 pm, April '09. Can I wear a spring floral tea-length skirt? or should I wear something darker. I am 5-2 and about 140 lbs., white/silver hair Thanks Cathy

A Cathy, in my opinion, most women look dowdy in longish skirts and dresses. Go with a more tailored look that will flatter your figure. For instance, a dress with a matching jacket or a dressy suit, both of which would fall just below your knees and have a nipped waist to show off your form. A tailored dress with short or three quarter length sleeves would also be appropriate. You can wear a hat to the church and leave in your car when you go into the reception. A spring floral dress or skirt that falls just below your knees sounds fine, though a solid color or subtler pattern or texture might be more sophisticated, especially in April. For solid spring colors, blues, reds, and greens are always good with white/silver hair.

If your skirt is silk and you have a gorgeous solid silk blouse, you could certainly wear them with pretty high heels, although I think a more coordinated look will elongate your silhouette.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm Atlanta in September
Q I'm a California beach girl (used to be, now I'm 54 & married) and will be attending a late September wedding at 6 pm at Park Tavern, Atlanta, Georgia. The invitation is black with pink and white and then wrapped with a black bow. Apparently the bridesmaids are in black and the flower girl in pink. What would be appropriate to wear?

A Wear a very chic black cocktail dress that falls just below your knees, or any well-made cocktail dress. When I say cocktail dress, I refer to a dress that you would wear to a very upscale restaurant where you know the waiters will treat you better if you're well-dressed. Black and white would be fine, too. Wear beautiful shoes comfortable for dancing and take a small, pretty clutch for your lipgloss. Since I don't know your coloring or your build, or the dress code for that matter, this is a rather general answer--but it's probably accurate.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm in October
Q I have a wedding to attend at a small church on October 16, 2010, at 6:00 p.m. What should I wear? Also, the reception will follow at the groom's house. Should I wear the same dress to the reception or should I wear something else?

A As the reception immediately follows the church ceremony, you would wear the same dress to both. Put on a hat for the ceremony and leave it in your car when you go into the reception. Weddings are always a great excuse to wear a chic hat.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm in Arkansas: Woman
Q I'm invited to an outdoor wedding taking place at 6:00 pm in the deep, humid south of Arkansas. I know the bride has told male guests that no tie is required although the wedding party will wear ties. I'm 60 years old and would like to wear a just above the knee print silk dress? Is this appropriate? Thanks.

A I guess it would depend upon the dress and your legs. A moo-moo, would be a no-no. A well-tailored pink linen, silk or linen-silk blend, would be fine. People expect women of a certain age--whether the wedding is in Boston or Arkansas--to be and look elegant, refined, and dignified. Try on the pink print silk dress, look into a full-length mirror and ask yourself, "Do I look elegant? Do I look dignified?" If the answer to either is resoundingly "No," then move on to an alternative.

To start, unless your legs are buff, well-groomed, and devoid of unsightly spots or veins, the length of your dress should end just below your knees. Knobbly knees don't always age well--and certainly don't make you look any younger. You don't want to look like as if you are trying to compete with the ingenues at the wedding. Rethink your priorities. There is nothing, whatsoever, wrong in going for a dignified, elegant look. Dressing your age, acting your age is all about being elegant and dignified. I'm not saying you have to look severe and stuffy, I'm saying look in the mirror. In answer to your question, just above the knee is not appropriate for women over fifty in either Boston or Arkansas.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm in Birmingham
Q What attire to wear to a wedding in Birmingham, AL, on a Saturday that starts at 6:00 pm?

A What you wear depends on some huge factors: the dress code, which helps determine the formality of the wedding, your gender, age, and build.

Assuming that the invitation does not state "Black Tie," you are off the hook about having to wear a tuxedo. You would, however, wear your best dark suit with black belt, shoes and socks, a straight collared dress shirt, and a very good silk tie.

If you're a woman, depending upon your age, you would either wear a dressy cocktail dress or a skirted dinner suit (if you're over fifty) that covers your knees, or a flirty silk chiffon dress that falls somewhere above your knees. A six o'clock wedding usually means dinner and dancing, so you will need to wear your sexiest dancing pumps and carry a clutch bag for your lipstick. A good piece of jewelry in Birmingham is always appreciated, and you won't have to worry about a wrap because it hasn't gotten chilly there yet.

You must realize that with the limited amount of info, this is a rather general answer. How dressed up you get, also depends upon the place where the wedding is being held. A wedding at a banquet facility would be less sophisticated then, say, a wedding at a private home or club. Sophisticated doesn't necessarily mean "dressy." It means well-dressed; where less is more and when quality of fabric and design, and not fussiness, are key.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM in Los Angeles
Q My sister is getting married at 6m in July in Los Angeles. She wants to have a "Black and White" wedding. Does this mean it would be ok for guests, including females, to wear white or to wear colors other than black and white? Would a long dress be considered too formal for this "suit and tie" event? What should be labeled on the invites so the guests know how to dress appropriately?

Thank You

A When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, then you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses, otherwise called Cocktail Attire. Since I don't know the time of day of the wedding, I'll assume it is around six o'clock and in that case the proper dress code would be Suits & Dresses.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm May Church Wedding + Country Club Reception
Q I'm going to my cousin's wedding at 6 o'clock in the evening" at a Lutheran Church on May 15th, Saturday night. Reception to follow at the Country Club. I am 38 and single, and bring my boyfriend. What do you think would be appropriate dress for the two of us? Thanks so much! Oh, I do like to dress up, but don't want to be over dressed.
Amy

A Assuming that your cousin's wedding is not Black Tie because that dress code doesn't appear on the invitation, your boyfriend is off the hook about having to wear a tuxedo. He can wear either a dark suit with a white collared shirt and a tie, or a navy blazer with grey flannels or dress khakis, black shoes, socks and belt. As you both probably know, country club dress code usually requires a man to wear a jacket and a tie after six o'clock. Your boyfriend can always take off his tie and jacket when the dancing gets going.

Your outfit can be fun. Wear a flirty black cocktail dress that falls just above your knees with beautiful high heels and shimmery legwear a shade lighter than your skin tone. Add a great pair of earrings, a small clutch bag for your pink lip gloss, and a pashmina, shawl, or pretty sweater--as I don't know where this is taking place and it can still be quite chilly in mid-May in the northern half of the country.

You don't have to wear black, but if you don't have a great short black dress, this is the time to find it. I love a short chiffon dress for dancing, but they are not always easy to find. The look you're going for is sophisticated yet fun, and is both elegant and glamorous. Have fun!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm Wedding: Guest: Women
Q Southern summer wedding - what should a female guest wear? Ceremony is outside in a garden of a Victorian house at 6pm. Reception is inside house. Invitation was not formal, but funky. Groom is from England and there will be guests from many parts of the world.

A Depending upon on your age and build, you could wear a silk chiffon flirty floral dress that falls just above your knees. If you are over forty, you might want to look dignified and elegant by wearing a dress with short sleeves that falls just below your knees. Whether the dress is cotton, linen or silk chiffon, the quality of the fabric and design should be your top priority. Beautiful shoes, real jewelry, and a small clutch would be your only accessories.

British women love their hats, especially at weddings, so if you have a special summer hat, this is the time to wear it. However, you would leave your hat in your car before going into the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm: Atlanta on a Farm
Q Hi Didi-
I found several of your responses on “proper etiquette” regarding dress attire but thought I would email to you the specifics with the wedding I am attending. The wedding is in a “rural” area west of Atlanta on Saturday, August 20 at 6:00 pm. It is going to be outdoors in a farm-like setting (rustic, next to a pond). I am attending as a guest to the father of the bride..,not sitting with the family. The invitation did not specify the attire; however the guys are wearing black tux and the bridesmaids (2) are wearing short pink dresses. I have 3 dresses (1) being purple silk (sleeveless) and royal blue sleeveless chiffon with diagonal flat ruffles in front and back (both were purchased at Nordstrom’s). I have a 3rd, that is primarily white with appliqued flowers (I was not able to attach a picture as it is my favorite as I purchased it at RoseMary Beach last week) as know you should not wear white but it isn’t all white : ). Any advise you can provide would greatly be appreciated!

http://www.foxwoodsga.com/index.html Location of wedding and inside reception.

If you can provide another email, I can send the picture of the white with flowers.



Many thanks!
Rhonda




A I love the sound of number three. You can accessorize with color to get away from the all white look. Please send the photo to this email address, which I use only for follow-up questions. So, for future questions, please go through the NewportManners.com web site. Thanks.

In the meantime, just so you know: when the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses, or Cocktail Attire.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM: Beach: Black Tie
Q I have been invited to a Black-Tie wedding at 6:00 pm on the beach. Reception will be in the ballroom. I am 50. What should I wear as a guest?

A It would depend on your gender. You say it is a Black-Tie wedding, then wear a tuxedo or a dressy cocktail dress that falls just below the knees and beautiful shoes. You can take your beautiful shoes off for the ceremony and walk in the nice warm sand barefoot. A man would not necessarily have to wear a tux, and who wants to wear a tux for a beach wedding? Nobody. If you you have a white dinner jacket, that would be perfect.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 pm: Charleston in October
Q Party after wedding 6 to 10 pm, invitation says casual will be held at a park in Charleston S.C. in October - I am over sixty, what should I wear?

A If you are a man, you would wear either a two-button dark poplin suit with a white collared shirt, silk tie, and dark shoes and socks, or a pure cotton, two-button seersucker suit with white bucks. Alternatively, a navy blue blazer with dress khakis or grey flannel pants are always classic.

If you are a woman, you would wear a dress with sleeves that falls just below your knees, or a beautiful blouse with a long skirt. If you have a decent figure, you can wear pants with a gorgeous tunic. As the reception is outside, you will want to wear flats or pumps because high heels will sink into the grass, if the soil beneath the grass is damp.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM: Civil-Christian Service
Q Hello Didi, I am attending a civil-Christian wedding at 6 P.M. followed by a small reception at the church on January 30th. It's supposed to be casual. I have no idea about what to wear. I have a dark blue flowered dress, v neck (no sleeves), the length is right below my knees. Do you think it is appropriate? What should I wear on top of it to cover my shoulders and arms? What color?

A When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your navy floral print knee-length dress sounds perfect. A short jacket or knee-length swing coat would be appropriate. If you're young and hip, a thin black leather jacket would be very cool.

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM: Cocktail Dress
Q What should I wear to a six o'clock wedding that said coat and tie on the invitation? I am sixty-two and a size six. I have a silky two piece cocktail dress. Would that be too dressy?

A A two-piece, silk cocktail dress that falls just below your knees sounds perfect, with beautiful shoes. When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie, you can assume the dress code is Suits and Dresses, even though the invitation states Coat and Tie, which basically means the same thing. In different areas people call those two dress codes one or the other. At a six o'clock wedding all the men should be in jackets and ties and the women in dresses, dressy dinner suits, or dresses with bolero jackets. After all, it's a wedding!

Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code: 6:00 PM: Colorado
Q I am the makeup artist for a wedding at The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado and I have been invited to stay for the wedding at reception with my friend. The ceremony is on the lawn of The Stanley Hotel and the reception is in the Concert Hall. I did not see the invitation but the wedding is at 6ish. I have a very lovely long black bustier, center jewel and straps. And a long full skirt, 38" in length, white with large black