Wedding Etiquette Dress Code: Groom: Seersucker Suit
Q My son will be getting married April 24, 2009, it will be an outdoor wedding, bridesmaids will wear tea-length, but the bride will be in a long gown, he wants to wear a seersucker suit, is this proper, or would a tux be more appropriate?


A If it is not a black-tie wedding and the ceremony is performed in the afternoon in a warm climate, then your son can wear a seersucker suit with white bucks, gray socks, a white shirt and a solid color tie. The wedding couple usually chose one or two colors as the wedding colors; his tie would be one or two of those colors.

Wedding Etiquette: Bicoastal Wedding: Pleasing Everyone
Q We are from New England and my daughter now lives in San Diego were she met her fiance and would like to get married out there. The weather is perfect, it will be easier for them to pick their photographer, DJ, etc., also it is sentimental for them since they met there. The problem is that we have several friends and family in the New England area who will not be able to make it to California for the wedding. How do we handle the invitations? My daughter thinks we should invite them to let them be polite but let them know that no gift is needed. I do not think we should invite them since that is almost saying send a gift. Please help.

A In my opinion, your daughter is correct in wanting to include all of her old family friends by inviting them to her wedding. If they do not attend the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. They can send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note of congratulations. After the wedding trip, or whenever the newlyweds wend their way east to New England, even if it is a year from now, you can give a cocktail party in their honor. At that cocktail party, those who sent a gift, will be entertained and those who send an acknowledgment will be acknowledged.

Wedding Etiquette: Destination Wedding + Showers
Q My son is getting married and having a destination wedding in Jamaica, the bride is from another state, my friends want to give a shower called "all around the house shower", there has been no engagement party; would it be appropriate to combine the two into one event? If an engagement party is given, who is responsibe for it, the bride's parents or groom's parents or both?

A Traditionally, the wedding couple's parents share the responsibilities. The bride's family hosts the engagement party to introduce the two families to their closest friends; the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner to introduce the bridal party, close family and friends, and out-of-town guests the night before the wedding; the bride's family hosts the wedding; the groom's family pays for the wedding trip. Tops, there might be two showers: one girlie bridal shower hosted by the bridesmaids for the bride; one coed cocktail party shower for the wedding couple, often a bar and/or kitchen shower.

Customarily, guests who are invited to an engagement party and/or shower are also invited to attend the actual wedding. However, I receive lots of bitter complaints from guests who say, "Why should I go to the shower, if I am not invited to the wedding?" As you can see, it is a bit of a tease to buy a present for the wedding couple only to find out at the shower that they have not been invited to the wedding.

In your particular situation, where your son is having a destination wedding, the bride's family would host an engagement party at which time family and friends would be told of the wedding plans and asked to notify the wedding couple if they would like to attend the destination wedding in Jamaica. Then after the newlyweds return from Jamaica, the groom's family, or a friend, might host a post-wedding party to celebrate the marriage.

The problem is twofold: no matter how the wedding plays out, it is very tacky for family members to solicit gifts for the wedding couple; friends and family who are not invited to the wedding, or who are invited to the wedding but do not attend, are not required to give a present.

The solutions is this: the bride and groom create their own wedding Web site that includes the wedding plans and photos of the couple that are updated after each event which helps to keep family and friends in the wedding loop. On this Web site there is a click-on for Wedding Registry, which allows friends and family to access that information voluntarily. If they do not set up their own wedding Web site, then they might register on the Internet through the wedding channel. By word of mouth, the word will get out where the wedding registries are located.

So, the short answer is this: traditionally, it is not appropriate to have a shower that includes guests who are not invited to the actual wedding. Therefore, call it an engagement party. If the bride's family cannot host an engagement party, then the groom's family, or a friend, might host an engagement party for the wedding couple. However, you might want to try to make it easy for some of the bride's family to attend, perhaps by asking your closest friends to put them up for the night and possibly pick them up at the airport or train station.

Wedding Etiquette: Guest Etiquette: Taking Photos
Q Is it tacky to bring my own camera to a friend's wedding?

A No, it is not tacky; however, before taking any photos at the reception, you need to ask either the bride or groom, if they mind if you take photos. They would most likely welcome a couple of photos with another point of view. If the wedding couple are celebrities, you would call the wedding planner before the wedding to get permission to take photos.

Wedding Etiquette: "No Gifts Please"
Q What does 'no gifts please' really mean on a wedding invitation?

A "No gifts please," means exactly what the words say. I know that it is hard to believe in our materialistic world that a wedding couple does not want presents, but there are people who believe that marriage is not about the booty. Respect their wishes and do not send a gift. However, you would send a heartfelt thank-you note to tell the wedding couple how very much you enjoyed yourself at the wedding. When the wedding couple returns from the wedding trip, perhaps you might invite both of them for dinner to reciprocate and to hear all about the trip.

Wedding Etiquette: "Plus Guest" on Invitation
Q When inviting guests to a wedding, when do you put plus guest on the invitation?

A You never, ever want to put "plus guest" on an invitation envelope. If you want to invite your guest to bring a date, then telephone the person and ask him or her if they would like to bring someone. You will need the name and the address of the person so that you can send that person their own invitation because everyone over the age of eighteen receives their own invitation, unless they are married or in a long standing committed relationship.

Wedding Etiquette: 10:00 a.m. Wedding Etiquette: Dress Code
Q What is the appropiate attire at a 10:00 a.m. wedding? Is it the dressiest time?

A No, it is the least dressiest time. You would dress as if you were going to church and a fancy restaurant for brunch afterwards. This means suits or jackets and ties for the men and coat dresses or suits and hats, scarves and gloves for the ladies.

Wedding Etiquette: 2 Mailings for Invitation
Q RE:WEDDING INVITATIONS: Is it proper to send two rounds of invitations, firstly to immediate family on the A list and then as people decline, send invitations to people on B list?

A For very large gatherings, some people will scatter mailing out invitations using an A list and a B list and sometimes a C list. The reasoning is that when the host is hoping for a certain amount of guests and the party is scheduled for a Saturday in June, and thus perhaps competing with other parties that day, to ensure a good crowd they will over- order the number of invitations. As the regrets come in, they will start sending out invitations to the people on the next list. Personally, I think this is really tacky but weddings in June in particular can be very competitive and I understand the reasoning but would not recommend it because people talk and feelings get hurt. Weddings are a chance to bring friends and family together in harmony.

Wedding Etiquette: Accepting + Regretting on a Wedding RSVP Card
Q What is the proper way to respond on a wedding rsvp card?

A If you are accepting the wedding invitation, you might center these lines and change the names and date to read something like this:


Mr. Hamilton Bissel
accepts with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

If you are regretting the wedding invitation, you might say:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
sincerely regret
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Accepting the Invitation
Q How do I write a handwritten reply to a wedding invitation?

A Center these lines on your nicest personal stationery, inserting your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Adding a Note to the Reply Card
Q I was invited to a wedding coming up shortly, and the invitation had a reply card, but I wanted to add a little more than just replying "Yes." Do you have any suggestions?

A Why not hold off and incorporate your sentiments into your thank-you note after you've attended the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Adressing: Inner Envelopes for Parents
Q How do we address the envelopes for the wedding invitations that are being sent to our parents? Mr. and Mrs. Formal Name on the outer envelope but what about the inner envelope? Mr. and Mrs.?? OR Mom and Dad?? OR ???

A The inner envelope would just say Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Wedding Etiquette: Adults Only
Q How do we politely tell our guests our wedding and reception is adults only?

A Only those whose names are written on the wedding invitation envelope are invited to the wedding. If a guest returns a reply card with a list of her childrens' name, you pick up the phone and say, "I am terribly sorry, but we are not inviting any children under the age of 21 to our wedding; so we will not be able to accommodate your children." I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will get the message. You don't want to put anything negative on a wedding invitation, so you would not put NO CHILDREN.

Wedding Etiquette: After the Fact
Q My son and future daughter-in-law want a very small wedding. They are only invited 6 people from her family, 6 from ours, just immediate family. I feel terribly bad about my sisters and my husbands sisters and the rest of the family being left out, including my mother (who has dementia). Can I throw a party in their honor in our home town, a month or two after the wedding?

A It is so sweet, generous, and kind of you to want to celebrate their marriage. Do it. You do not even have to wait that long. It does not matter if it is a picnic, a barbecue, or a cocktail party. Your son and daughter-in-law will greatly appreciate any party you throw for them; however, you need to allow them to invite their friends, too.

Wedding Etiquette: All the Bridesmaids Host Bridal Shower
Q As the Maid of Honor, I am planning a bridal shower and I wanted to know how I can ask the other women in the wedding party to help finanically and creatively with the shower. The women I only met once or twice during gown shopping.

A My dear, it is totally appropriate for you to involve all the bridesmaids in the planning, orchestrating, and paying for the bridal shower. Make out a list of the things that need to be done and the expenses. Put your name next to those that you can do. For instance, you might hold the shower at your apartment; however, if you have four roommates in a two bedroom apartment, you might rather find a bridesmaid who would be willing to have the party at her house. First you need to email or telephone the other bridesmaids and tell them that since a bridal shower is traditionally given by all the women in the bridal party, you want to keep everyone in the loop and you are taking a vote on whether to have a coed kitchen and bar cocktail party shower or a girlie-girlie lingerie luncheon shower.
Once you have a vote, go back with your list and find out who might pitch in to cover what. Make it a team effort with you the captain.

Wedding Etiquette: Amount Spent on Wedding Gift
Q What is the proper amount to spend on a wedding gift?

A It would depend upon how well you know the wedding couple and how much you can afford to spend. Why not check out their wedding Web site or the wedding channel on the Internet for their bridal registry information. That way you would be sending them something that you know that they want that you can afford. The store will then send the gift to the registered address. Customarily, guests try to estimate the cost per guest and spend that amount on the gift. For instance, for a brunch or afternoon reception the cost per person would start at approximately $100 per guest so, a married couple attending the wedding might send a present from the bridal registry valued at $200. Seated evening receptions can cost per person anywhere from $150 and up, up, up. Therefore, you would spend what you can afford.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement Etiquette
Q When two 35 to 45-year-olds marry, what should the wording on their announcement be?

A It would depend upon how formal the wedding couple wish to appear. A formal wedding announcement would have the parents announcing the marriage of their daughter. An informal announcement would have the wedding couple announcing the marriage. If the parents are not alive or if it is a second marriage for the bride, then the couple would announce themselves. Insert your own information, center the lines on ecru card stock with black typeface:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
have the honour of announcing
(or have the honour to announce)
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Caroline
to Mr. William Randolph Shakespeare
on Friday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six (formally the year is spelled out)
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Amanda Caroline Dickens
William Randolph Shakespeare
have the honour to announce (honor can be either way)
their marriage
on Saturday, the tenth of June
2006
Newport, Rhode Island

Wedding Etiquette: Announcement When a Parent Is Deceased
Q How do you word a newspaper engagement announcement when the father is deceased and the mother hasn't remarried?

A The announcement would read: Mrs. Such-and-Such of Newport, Rhode Island, announced the engagement of her daughter Anna (insert middle name, if there is one) Gamble, whose father, Mr. Such-and-Such is deceased, to Such-and-Such, the son of Mr. and Mrs. Such-and-Such of Greenwich, Connecticut.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing after the Marriage
Q My husband and I want to send out announcements of our son's wedding (the ceremony and reception will be too small to invite everyone we want.) Who gets top billing on the announcements, the son's parents or bride's parents? Then bride or groom? We want to be correct.

A Traditionally, the bride's parents make the announcement after the wedding by sending out announcements to their friends, your friends, and the couple's friends and relatives. The bride's parents names are at the top because they are making the announcement; it is their daughter who was the one they just gave away in matrimony to the groom. Who pays for the announcement and sends it is none of anyone's business. Customarily, the groom's parents are not on the announcement, but these days people forgo tradition to suit their lifestyle. Whatever you do, pick up the telephone and discuss it with your daughter-in-law's parents and the newlyweds. The announcement might be like this, with your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
announce with great joy
the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Louise
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
June 21, 2006
Nantucket

Alternatively, you and your husband might host a cocktail party, cocktail-buffet or dinner dance for the newly weds within six months after their wedding. At that point you might mention both parents' names on the invitation and you might add an insert card with the newlyweds' address and bridal registry information. Remember: you might not wish to list that information on an announcement on which no invitation was extended to the recipient.

Wedding Etiquette: Announcing to Those Not Invited
Q Wedding announcement prior to the wedding to people not invited to the wedding, should the announcement include where the couple is registered for gifts?

A It is not considerate to send announcements prior to the wedding to people who are not being invited to the wedding, and it is exceptionally rude to ask them for a gift, if you are not inviting them to the wedding. Only people who actually attend the wedding are required to send wedding presents. However, you might send announcements to people after the wedding, but you still would not solicit a gift from them, because their only requirement might be to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Anullment Protocol
Q What is the protocol for wedding gift thank-you notes after the marriage has been anulled?

A It would depend how soon after the wedding the marriage is anulled. If it is a short period of time, say, up to three months, you would package up the gift and return it to the sender with a handwritten note saying something such as this:
Thank you for the beautiful Tiffany vase, which you will find enclosed herewithin. Charles and I have mutually agreed that we should not be married and our marriage has been annulled.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Bridesmaids Parents Invited?
Q Is it customary to invite the parents of the bridesmaids in your wedding party, even if you met them once or not at all?

A No, you are not under any obligation to invite the parents of the bridesmaids.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Invitations Sent to People Who Won't Attend
Q Should wedding and wedding shower invitations be sent to family and friends that are out of state even though it is unlikely that they could attend?

A It depends. For instance, if you know the family and friends will want to send wedding presents, then receiving an invitation keeps them in the loop of the festivities. However, if these are family and friends whom you think might think you are just looking for a gift, forget them. However, if you have attended their family weddings, or expect that you might, then, by all means, send them an invitation. An invitation is a social bid, it does not have to be interpreted as a way to ask for gifts, even though that is often the case.

Wedding Etiquette: Are Organist + Musicians Invited to Rehearsal Dinner
Q Are the organist and musicians invited to a wedding rehearsal dinner?

A No, you are not obligated to invite the organist and the musicians to the rehearsal dinner.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking for Cash on Bridal Shower Invite
Q How do I ask for money on bridal shower invitations?


A If you are a member of the bride or groom's family, it might seem tacky if you ask for money. However, if you are the matron of honor organizing the bridal shower and know that the bride needs money to cover her personal wedding expenses, you might say on the invitation: "In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated".

Wedding Etiquette: Asking For Honeymoon Money In Lieu Of Present
Q Is it proper wedding etiquette to ask for money towards the honeymoon instead of presents from wedding guests?

A It is perfectly acceptable to ask for money to be used towards your wedding trip. Why not enclose a small card along with your wedding invitation with your address and words similar to these but inserting your own names: In lieu of a present, Susan and Donald would greatly appreciate a small check towards their wedding trip in Tahiti.

Wedding Etiquette: Asking Unknowns to Family Wedding
Q I live in Texas and received an invitation to my nephew's (half-brother's son) wedding & reception in California. The invitation to the ceremony and reception was addressed only to me. I was briefly separated a few years ago from my husband and my nephew may not know that I've been back at home for several years. I am planning to attend both events and my husband and two grown children will be traveling to California with me. I have booked two rooms in the block set aside at the hotel for out-of-town guests. Would it be proper for me to ask my nephew and his fiance if my husband and children could attend the ceremony and if my husband only could attend the reception with me? If an invitation is extended for my husband and children to attend both events, would it be polite to offer to reimburse them for the extra cost? This situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that I was adopted and did not meet my brother or my nephew and other family members until 10 years ago. My son and daughter have never met my nephew or his sister. We have maintained a cordial but not a close relationship. I was delighted to be invited but don't want to complicate things by asking to bring guests with me, even though they are my immediate family members. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

A If I were you, I might pick up the telephone and call your nephew to congratulate him on his upcoming marriage. Then say something such as this, "I don't know if you know that my husband (insert his name) and I are back together, but we are hoping to attend your wedding, if it would be all right for him to come because his name was not on the invitation. We have booked two rooms for us and my husband's two grown children ages (insert both ages), but since they are not family, I don't want to ask if they can be invited to the wedding." Pause, and remember that he will have to ask his wife to ask her parents if three more unexpected guests can come to the wedding and the reception. He will have to get back to you on this, so you need to tell him that it is not a big deal because they are big boys and are perfectly capable of amusing themselves for an afternoon exploring a new city.

Now, there are a couple of etiquette problems here: your husband cannot regret the wedding ceremony and accept the reception, especially if he wasn't even invited in the first place; secondly, your husband's two sons have never met the bride and groom and they are not related to them, so: unless the bride and groom offer to include them (at the bride's parents' expense), it would be rude of you to ask if they can be invited and offer to pay for their meals.

If the bride and groom extend the invitation to your husband, be grateful, but do not expect, or push, for invitations for his two children. It is not just the cost of having the two grown children, it is the fact that they don't know them and the two children will have to be seated somewhere. Also, if the grown children are under 21 years of age, remember, they will not be allowed to drink alcohol. Unless the couple insist on your husband's children attending, too, don't force it. Should the bride's family be so generous as to include you, be sure to send a hugely expensive present from their wedding registry, as well as a thank-you note to the bride's parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Attending the Reception Only
Q Is it okay just to go the reception??

A Traditionally, it is okay to go to the church and not the reception, but it is not okay to go to the reception and not the church. Some people like to say the reception is your reward for going to the church ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Attire: Who Pays For Wedding Attire Of Bridal Party
Q Who's responsible for the wedding attire, for the bridal party?

A Customarily, the groom, his best man, and his ushers go to the same tuxedo rental shop and order their outfits together so that they all match. If the men are over thirty-five years of age and/or are working it is expected that they can afford to pay for their wedding attire rental, however, if they are young and cannot afford to pay often the groom's family might help to cover the expense. The same is true of the bridesmaids. If a bridesmaid cannot afford her dress, the bride's family might help to cover the expense.

Wedding Etiquette: Aunt's Extra Guests
Q We have invited my aunt and her husband to the wedding and reception. My aunt's daughter,(my cousin) has called to say my aunt's husband can't come, but asks if we would have room for herself, her new 2nd husband, and another cousin and wife. She thought it would be fun to reconnect after these 20 yrs. We think she wants to show off her husband. Financially, inviting 4 extras is stressful.

A Just write her a short heartfelt note to tell her how terribly sorry you are but, at this point in time, there are not any places for four more people as you are only inviting close family. Say, "I hope you will understand that this a small wedding."

Wedding Etiquette: Baby + Wedding Shower Combined
Q My son is 24 and he is marrying his fiancee in September. They have a baby due in July. My question is: instead of having a baby shower and then having a wedding shower, could I combine the two, have one shower and the guest can choose to pick from a bridal registry or a wedding registry. I would like to have the shower at the end of May and many guests will be traveling 50 miles to attend. I need some outside advice. Thank you

A Sounds like an excellent solution to the problem. As long as you do not list the registries on the invitation, you are fine. Why not include a separate card with the couple's address and the registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachelor Party Etiquette
Q Who pays for the bachelor party?

A The purpose of the bachelor party is to get the groom, best man, and ushers together for a bit of camaraderie over dinner shortly before the wedding, at which time the groom gives his best man and ushers gifts. The best man and the ushers would then present the groom with a gift that they had bought collectively. Traditionally, the groom pays for the bachelor party as a thank you to his best man and ushers, but nowadays it is more apt to be a Dutch Treat dinner with everyone offering to pay his share of the bill. Of course, it might depend upon the circumstances of those attending. If, say, one of the ushers is in school and keeping up with his working friends is impossible, the other ushers or the groom might cover that man's share. It is the job of the best man to be sensitive to who can afford to pay what and which expenses might prove to be a hardship for any of the ushers. The answer is that everybody pays for the bachelor party who can afford to share in the cost.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachlorette Etiquette
Q I am my sister's maid of honor. I am planning a bachelorette party and I wanted to know if you have any good ideas of what to do for the party. If we go to dinner and to a club, does everyone pay for their own meals and drinks? Also, do you have any suggestions of fun ways to make the bride money? As the maid of honor, should I send invitations to the guests and are the guests supposed to bring gifts? If so, what kind of gifts?

A There are lots of different ways to celebrate a bachelorette party. The first thing to do might be to ask the bride what she might like to do. It is important to invite only women that the bride really likes. You might want to telephone or email the friends so that you can get a definite commitment as well as a consensus of what people might be willing to do. For instance, my daughter just returned from a bachlorette party where eleven of the bride's friends went to Miami for the weekend. All the women paid their own way and the bridesmaids had tee-shirts made up for each woman commemorating the bachlorette weekend. So: what guests contribute is what they can afford to pay. These young women stayed in a hotel on the beach, but you might borrow someone's beach house for the weekend. Alternatively, you might take the bride out for a nice dinner where collectively you treat the bride to dinner. Alternatively, you might organize a spa at home party. The "present issue" might be determined by how much the guest is asked to spend on the party. Why not check out your local bookstore for books written for bridesmaids that list the steps to making a bachlorette party a success and also have lots of party and game ideas. See if you can find "The Bridesmaid's Handbook: Savvy Advice, Sensational Showers and Secrets to Success," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books (which you can probably order online). Since I do not know the bride or anything about her lifestyle, it would be best if you found a general guidebook on bridesmaids with a chapter on bachlorette parties which would include a whole range of ideas in different price categories, as well as suggestions for games and gifts.

Wedding Etiquette: Bachlorette Etiquette: Invitations
Q I am sending invitations for a bachelorette party and need RSVP's to confirm hotel rooms required. If I mail the invitations Friday, January 19th, how many days should I allow before RSVP deadline. 7, 14 days? The party is March 3rd. Also, how soon should you mail an invitation for a bachelorette party?

A You need at least five days for delivery of the invitation. Count a week for mail delivery and give her a week to make the decision. Since it is a bachelorette party, you can pick up the phone, email, or text message the guests. Bachelorette parties are all about getting and keeping the guests in synch. So: forget snail mail, be proactive.

Wedding Etiquette: Beau Only Invited
Q My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding. On the envelope it didn't include my name or "guest". We know the couple and they know he has a girlfriend. On the RSVP card it asks how many will be attending. Am I invited or not?

A If you had been invited, your name would have been on the envelope, and since the words "and guest" were not written after your boyfriend's name, he is invited solo. The RSVP card is printed for everyone, singles, couples, families, so that the invitees might give an accurate account for the caterer; it is not a carte blanche for guests to invite guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Man Can't Afford Airfare
Q My son was asked to be best man in his friend's upcoming wedding to take place in Cancun in Sept. Is my son responsible for all his travel expenses and accomodations? He is a senior in college and doesn't have the money. I find this tacky on the groom's part not to offer for at least the airfare!

A Your son needs to have a conversation with his friend, the groom, telling him that he is honored to be his best man but, as a college student, he can not afford the airfare. If the men are close friends, the groom will know your financial bracket and be sensitive to his dilemma. Often in weddings when a member of the family or bridal party cannot afford to pay the expenses, the bride or the groom's family will contribute. Remember, sir, there may be a time when your son is the groom and you are asked to pitch in. Perhaps you have airline miles to spare and you would be willing to use them towards your son's ticket. Your son needs to solve this problem quickly, if the groom has to find another best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Best Wishes + Congratulations
Q Is it inappropriate to wish a bride-to-be "Congratulations"? I have always heard that is should be, "Best Wishes", but don't know just why that is.

A Please do congratulate the bride. The whole congratulations vs. best wishes issue is dated---and sexist. Think about it. Why would you congratulate the groom on his great catch and say to the bride best wishes that you don't get ditched at the altar.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie
Q If black tie is on the wedding invitation, does that mean only a tux is acceptable? Or, is a dark suit appropriate? If men wear a tux, should the woman wear a full-length dress?

A Yes, it means only a tux is acceptable. No, a dark suit is not appropriate, if the wedding invitation states "Black Tie." The woman does not necessarily have to wear a full-length dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Means Black Tie
Q My husband and I are invited to a "Black Tie" wedding. He prefers to wear a staight tie with his tuxedo. Is this acceptable?
Thank you for your advice!
Martine Braccia-Dimino

A Even though dress codes for formal wear have expanded to include non-tux evening clothes such as black or blue velvet dinner jackets worn with cowboy boots, if the invitation states "Black Tie," your husband would want to adhere to the dress code. Most men don't like to wear bow ties, but comfortable ones can be found that are already knotted and attached to a satin strip that hooks around under the shirt collar. When a specific dress code is stated, it is best to respect the wedding couple by dressing the part. When you think about it, a straight tie would look awkward. It would be a style-challenge with a black-on-black tuxedo. A button-down white shirt and straight tie would dress down even the most modern, classic, simple shape, single-breasted, black tuxedo jacket. The tuxedo shirt and jacket are designed to be worn with a bow tie. However, there are bow ties and there are bowties. Why not find a good one that is comfortable for your husband and tell him that he looks suave?

On the other hand, if it is a contemporary wedding taking place in, say, Los Angeles or New York, your husband might easily wear the preferred smart dark suit with a straight dark tie, or a dark velvet dinner jacket with a tuxedo shirt, satin-striped trousers, and no tie at all. So, yes, he can wear a straight tie but not with his tuxedo.

Explain to him that though in some circles today's tux is rarely black and white, the wedding dress code is all about the wedding couple. The tuxedo is still a uniform when it is the dress code to a traditional wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Black Tie Wedding Mother of Groom's Role
Q Please explain Black Tie Wedding, also what should Mother of Groom wear and does color of gown affect her presence? What is proper etiquette for this type of wedding?

A Traditionally, a "Black Tie" wedding would begin from six o'clock on. The mother of the groom would wear a dinner suit or a short, three-quarter or floor-length evening dress of fabric fitting the climate or season. She might wear dressy, low slig-backs or pumps with a complementing evening bag. She might want to telephone the mother of the bride to ask her what she is wearing and about the color scheme of the wedding. Brides usually have a vision of how the wedding is set and asking her for advice, would be totally appropriate, too. If the invitation says "Black Tie," you can wear your best jewelry.

As for proper etiquette, as to what traditionally the mother of the groom's responsibilities are, aside from helping her son with the cost of the wedding trip and hostessing the rehearsal dinner the night before, she would stand in the receiving line between the bride's father and the groom's father, and she might give the customary mother of the groom toast to the couple after the mother of the bride has toasted the happy couple.

Wedding Etiquette: Boutonnieres
Q What side should a boutenniere be placed?

A Men wear boutonnieres on their left side lapel, which is the flap of the jacket that falls back against the breast.

Wedding Etiquette: Breaking the Engagement
Q What should be included in notes to return engagement gifts after a broken engagement?

A When the engagement is called off, the engagement presents are wrapped and sent back with a note of thanks that might say, "Thank you so very much for your beautiful, generous present."

It is customary, if you have time, to send a printed card to all those who were sent a Save the Date card or who attended the engagement party, which might also be used to return the engagement presents. Fill in your own information and center the lines on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
announce the marriage of their daughter
Jane Amanda
to
Mr. William Brown
by mutual agreement
will not take place.

Alternatively, you might say in a personal note: "We have decided that the wedding should be called off," or "Both of us have decided that it was best to call off the wedding," or "We both equally agreed that the wedding should be called off," or "By mutual consent, we have agreed to break off our engagement." It does not matter who called off the engagement; it is a time for compassion and consideration for all, so: it is best, in writing and in talking, to use phrases such as: "both decided," "equally agreed," "mutual-ly agreed upon decision."

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Cathedral Veil
Q When is it ok to wear a cathedral length veil?

A When you have a very, very long train.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Dress Code: Veil
Q What type of veil is needed with a full wedding dress?

A The longer the train, the longer the veil. The train and veil need to be in equal proportion. As only you and the bridal shop know the length of your train, you need to ask them what length veil you need. If you want to ask the question again on my website, www.newportmanners.com, and include the length of your train, I would be happy to give you a more precise answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q Five years ago I was a bridesmaid in a college friend's wedding. We rarely talk these days. Now that I am getting married, am I obligated I have her in my bridal party?

A It is your wedding and you should have whomever you wish in your bridal party. Chances are your friend has new friends, too, and will understand that since you are no longer close friends, you are not obligated to have her in your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q My daughter wishes to have two bridesmaids (one being the Maid of Honor) while her fiance wishes to have only one attendant (Best Man). Is this proper etiquette? I guess I'm from the old school- I think it should be an even number.

A It is your daughter's wedding and she should have whomever she wishes in attendance. It really depends upon the size of the wedding and it certainly would not be incorrect if your daughter has a matron of honor and a maid of honor. She only needs one attendant but if she is having trouble deciding on one or the other, let her have two attendants.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party
Q I just got engaged and we have asked selected people to be part of our bridal party. Should we follow up with an official invitation?

A You would reiterate the invitation to be part of the bridal party in conversation or through email. Often wedding couples set up their own wedding website to keep family and friends, including the bridal party in the loop about the wedding festivities, activities, itinerary, dress code, and it is often used as an easy way for guests to RSVP. As the wedding couple, you need to keep in close contact with your bridal party.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Etiquette
Q Is is ok to have two maids of honor? And is it ok to have one matron of honor and two maid's of honor and some other bridesmaids?

A The maid of honor is your number one bridesmaid. There is no rule carved in stone saying that you have to have one, but you will spend months having to explain why there are two. Yes, you can have a matron of honor if you also have the maid of honor. The matron of honor is or has been married. The maid of honor has not and is not married.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Expenses
Q How much is too much for the bride to expect from the bridal party? Does the bridal party have to pay hotel expenses for themselves for an out-of-town wedding? How many nights should be expected from the bride for the out-of-town bridesmaids?

A When you invite someone to be a member of your bridal party, you are asking them for a huge commitment of their time and funds. If out-of-town guests cannot be put up by family friends, then you would block off a couple of rooms in a hotel near the site of the wedding for them. If a much beloved friend cannot afford to pay for her dress or airfare, you might put aside money in the wedding budget to cover such expenses whether they are for a bridesmaid or for the rental of the usher's suit or the groomsman's travel accommodations. Remember that when members of the bridal party are asked to give gifts for the engagement party, the shower, and the bachelorette party, the gifts tend to get greatly watered down, so don't be disappointed if after all these expenses that they don't send a wedding present. If you cannot find hosts to house your bridal party and they cannot afford the expense, you will have to pay for their hotel room the nights of the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Gifts
Q Who in the wedding party do you give gifts to?


A You might give gifts to your attendants as a thank-you for taking time out of their busy lives to help you celebrate your marriage.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party Member + Guest
Q Should a bridesmaid be extended the courtesy of bringing a guest to a wedding, if she is not engaged or married?

A Traditionally, the bridesmaids and ushers are kind of paired off, as they are in equal numbers. However, often there are married bridesmaids and ushers. A bridesmaid or an usher who is in a relationship, no matter how committed, should be allowed the option of bringing their special friend. After all, introducing a man to your close friends is an indication to him that he is worthy of the occasion and it is an opportunity to show him that he has been accepted.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Party: Mother as Best Man
Q Would it be proper for a mother to be her son's best man, or is this position for men only?

A If the son wants his mother to be his best woman and she wants to comply, then why not. There are not rules as such carved in stone enforced by etiquette police. Yes, it is unconventional. Would I not recommend? No, because the emphasis is on the bride and groom; not about making waves. I am sure the mother of the groom can find other ways to help celebrate her son's marriage aside from hostessing the rehearsal dinner and giving the bride a wedding gift just for her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession
Q What is the proper order for the wedding procession?

A The groom along with the minister and his best man come from the side of the altar to await the procession in front of the altar. In pairs the ushers march up the aisle in step and stand on the right-hand side of the altar as you face it but facing the congregation next to the best man and the groom. If there are pages and/or a ring bearer, they would come next followed, if there is one, by a junior bridesmaid who would help keep the little guys on track. Then the flower girl(s) proceeds the bridesmaids walking sprightly in pairs up the aisle where they form the flank on the other side of the groom, mirroring the ushers but leaving three spaces open between them and the groom. Next, walking alone, the maid of honor is followed by the matron of honor, and then the bride walks up the aisle on her father's right arm.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Procession Symmetry
Q I am not sure, if you can help me. I am having a problem with my wedding. My fiance has two mothers. He has a step- mother, and he has his biological mother. His stepmother will be walking down the aisle with his father, but his biological mother does not have anyone to walk down the aisle with. We want her to walk with the parents down the aisle, but we do not know with whom she should walk. I have two fathers. I have a stepfather, who is walking me down the aisle. My biological father is only invited to the wedding. I was wondering what the wedding etiquette is regarding this issue. Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Audra DeLay


A The bride's biological father could walk the groom's biological mother down the aisle. Your wedding is not about them and they need to help you with the symmetry here. Alternatively, you might choose a little boy, a cousin or nephew, or son of the matron of honor, to walk the groom's mother down the aisle. The little boy will charm the audience and everyone will forget that the groom's mother has no one to walk her down the aisle.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Register for Second Wedding
Q Is it appropriate for a bride to register if it is her second marriage?

A Anyone attending your wedding will want to send you a token of their appreciation for having been invited to such a special occasion, so you need to register or you will get lots of stuff you don't need or want. Please read my answer to a similar quesstion by clicking on Frequently Asked Questions and going to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Registry: Ribbon Only
Q What is meant by phrase Ribbon Only when it is at the of a bridal gift regestry?

A The phrase "Ribbon Only" means that the wedding couple would like you to make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Who is to be invited to the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is a fun girlie-girlie luncheon, tea, or supper where the bride's closest women relatives and friends shower her with lingerie, sex toys, luxury toiletries, and other accesories she might might like to take on her honeymoon or put in her trousseau.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower
Q Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to give a bridal shower?

A Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. There are two kinds of showers for the bride to be, one is an all women's shower given by close women friends and relatives to shower the bride with lingerie. The other is a coed cocktail party for the bride and groom that might have a kitchen theme. You need to talk to the bride and groom because one shower is sufficient to find out what they would like you to host.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower + Rehearsal Dinner
Q When planning a rehearsal dinner, isn't it proper to invite all out-of-town guests, not just the bridal party and immediate family?

Secondly, isn't it proper that the bride's family (meaning sister and mother) should make the shower for the bride, and, if the groom's mother desires, isn't it up to her to say she would like to, but not a necessity?

A First, the purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to feed the wedding party, who have just come from the rehearsal, close family, and out-of-town guests, because it is good to connect them all before the wedding.

Second, actually it is the bridesmaids who organize, but not necessarily, pay for the party for the bride's close women friends, relatives and co-workers, who shower the bride with girlie-girlie niceties. Anyone can host the shower; however, the bridesmaids probably should set the pace.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Cash Gifts
Q How do you write on a bridal shower invitation that the bride would prefer cash instead of gifts at the bridal shower?

A Traditionally a bridal shower is a girlie-girlie party either a luncheon, tea, or supper at which her closest women relatives and friends shower her with gifts just for her of sexy lingerie and other accessories for her trousseau and honeymoon. It is about having fun and not about hoarding the cash. Brides need to keep in mind that the more gifts that are required from their friends, the less expensive those presents will be worth.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Dispute
Q I am a bride to be I have told my attendants when and where I want my bridal shower. My future mother-in-law cannot make it on that date and has decided to give a different shower before my shower that I planned. She refused to give up her trip that she planned over a year ago and paid the tickets for her trip. I think she is unreasonable. Am I correct?

A It is perfectly acceptable to have two bridal showers dividing the events between the older and the younger women guests. Why not cut your future mother-in-law a little slack because she is becoming a part of your family and you might want to start your relationship out on a happy note. Let her have her shower her way and you can still have your shower your way. Bridal showers are supposed to be fun for everyone.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette
Q I am planning a bridal shower and I need some suggestions for door prizes to hand out and games that can be played during the shower? Any suggestions?

A As I do not know your budget or the bride's interests, why not look through a recently published guidebook for bridesmaids, for instance "The Bridesmaid's Handbook," by Kathy Passero, published by Barnes & Noble Books has lots of ideas for bridal showers, door prizes, and games.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invitation Hostesses
Q Is it proper for a wedding shower invitation to list the names of the people giving the shower (as hostesses)? All involved are friends of the bride's mother.

A It is helpful to know who would be thanked for the wedding shower and to whom you would introduce yourself, so I would put the names on the invitation, or at the very least list them under the RSVP along with their phone numbers. However, as you probably know, you would not list the bride's mother because, traditionally, family does not solicit gifts for family; that is the job of the bride's mother's friends. So: do list the names of the hostesses.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Second Marriage
Q Is a bridal shower appropriate for a second marriage?

A Yes, if a certain amount of time has passed since the first marriage, it is totally appropriate for women friends and relatives of the bride to give her a small luncheon, brunch or tea and present her with, say, lingerie, soaps and bath oils, sachets, and other feminine niceties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Etiquette: Who Hosts the Shower?
Q Who, typically, hosts the bridal shower?

A Traditionally the bridal shower is hosed by the bridesmaids. Often the maid or matron of honor will take the lead and organize the event, or work with the group as a whole on choosing a date, place, time and theme for the shower. If, say, the maid or matron of honor lives on a different coast, is still in school or has a new baby, another bridesmaid would take over the lead. Nowadays, all the bridesmaids share in the organizing and the cost of the shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for 4th Wedding
Q Do you have a bridal shower for someones fourth wedding?

A It would be up to the bride. If a few close women friend's and relatives of the bride would like to shower her with girlie-girlie gifts of lingerie and sex toys, the women should give her a small shower. Would it be appropriate to throw a huge bash, I wouldn't think so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower for Small Wedding
Q A very good friend of mine is getting married in 3 months. She is having a very informal wedding, no traditional wedding gown, no bridesmaids, no best man/maiden of honor, no dinner reception, just cake/punch following the ceremony. Her sisters want to give a wedding shower; I know my friends and family will not want to give presents if they aren't invited to a dinner/reception. What is proper, no shower? Thank you.

A There is no reason why the close women friends and relatives can't give your friend an all women bridal shower with a lingerie theme, but be sure to invite only those who have been invited to the wedding. Alternatively, her close friends and family might host a coed shower in honor of the bride and groom with a kitchen theme.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What is the appropriate bridal shower gift from a bridesmaid?

A The bride knows you will have incurred many expenses to help her celebrate her marriage so the shower gift might not be necessarily costly but it does have to be personal. Traditionally, the bridesmaids shower the bride with girlie-girlie luxuries that we do not often buy for ourselves. For instance, lingerie, lingerie satin bags, sachets, cosmetic bag, toiletry bags with her monogram, antique linen hand-towels embroidered with the first letter of her new last name, Jo Malone bath and body oils and lotions (Nutmeg & Ginger or Roses), scented French candles, soaps and room sprays from Fresh or diptque (Baies or Feuille de Lavande), soothing or frisky CDs (Alicia Keys, Tony Braxton, U2, Macy Gray. Michael Buble) a novel or mystery to read on the wedding trip, a fountain pen to write all those thank-you notes, a Hanro T-shirt, Moulton Brown massage oil, and adult toys, such as a small vibrator to massage the back of his neck.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gift
Q What should the mother of the groom buy for the bride's gift at her bridal shower and how much is proper to spend? My Mom does not want to look cheap nor does she want to be too extravagant. Thanks!

A If the bride has a bridal registry, why not have your mom choose something that your mom likes from the registry? Traditionally, the groom's mother and grandmother give the bride, say, a piece of heirloom jewelry, perhaps a brooch that has been in the family. If the bride appreciates antiques, your mother could give her, say, a silver dressing table hair brush, comb and mirror set, a small enamel clock, decorative picture frame, or crystal perfume bottle. Whatever the heirloom, it would be something especially from the family to her, as opposed to being, say, her fiance's great grandfather's silver snuff box. However, even though it is for her, it could have his family monogram on it. If antiques are not an option, why not go online and look at the Scully & Scully catalogue, www.scully&scully.com, to view the small enamel boxes commemorating the year that she marries your son. The traditional wedding gifts from the groom's mother are, once again, heirloom jewelry, and also fine linens. It is not so much about the cost of the gift, as it is about being slightly personal but not overly familiar, which is why a brooch, small monogrammed family silver, and exquisite porcelain are so special, and yet not for every bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Gifts
Q If you give a gift at the bridal shower, do you still have to give a gift for the wedding? What is appropriate? Two gifts ?

A You would give a gift for each event you attend, except the bridal luncheon. In my opinion, in your case you would either give two small gifts, one for each event, or one really nice gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guest List
Q Should we invite all the women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower?

A No, you do not need to invite all women who are attending the wedding to the bridal shower. Ask only the women who the bride really likes and feels comfortable with; it is her special shower and she should be surrounded only by the people with whom she truly enjoys spending time. It might be best to show her the guest list and let her eliminate anyone whom she would not be thrilled to see at her shower and anyone that makes her uptight. Sometimes we have to invite people who are not really fond of to our wedding because they are either part of our extended family or are married to someone we really do like so: the shower is an opportunity to invite only those women the bride is genuinely fond of and wants to have with her at this special time.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Guests
Q Is it appropriate to invite friends of the groom's mother to the bride's kitchen shower if those friends were not invited to the wedding? The wedding invitations have all gone out, and none was received. So, there is no question as to whether the friends were invited to the wedding.

A Traditionally the purpose of the bridal shower is for close women relatives and friends to shower the bride with the personal things she will need in her married life. It is considered an intimate gathering of the bride's circle of women who are either part of the bridal party or who will be participating in the festivities of her wedding. A person who is not invited to the wedding may expect to be invited to the wedding after the bridal shower, so the groom's mother would need to make it abundantly clear to those who won't be wedding guests that a wedding invitation will not be forthcoming so there won't be hurt feelings. However, if the groom's mother was holding the shower in a different town from where the wedding is taking place, it would be appropriate for her to introduce her new daughter-in-law to her friends and their daughters. If the groom's mother and the bride live in the same town, perhaps the mother-in-law could find another way to introduce her circle of friends to the bride's circle of friends after the wedding by hosting a tea or lunch. At the end of the day, ask the bride because it really is her decision and the bridal shower should be all about her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Hostesss
Q Is it bad etiquette for the mother of the bride to have a bridal shower for her?

A The bridal shower traditionally is given by a close female friend or relative, but never by the mother or a sister of the bride. However, if none of her friends can afford to host a shower, the mother might offer to pay for the shower but her name would not appear on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower Without Bride
Q My mother-in-law is giving a bridal shower for my future sister-in-law. I feel uncomfortable about attending for several reasons. One) The bride lives out of state and the wedding is out of state. The bride won't be at the shower. 2) The family and friends that my mother-in-law is inviting don't know the bride and not invited to the wedding. 3) Am I bitter because I wasn't given a shower 10 years ago when I married her older son? I really love my mother-in-law but don't know how to tell her this is not proper etiquette or is it just me? I just feel funny about it but I know she has the best of intentions for the couple - as I love them too. It's hard to know what to do since they live out of state. Help!

A Excuse me, but you need the bride's presence in order to have a bridal shower. The origin of a bridal shower is the showering of gifts on to the bride. Otherwise, it just looks like a booty call and her friends will see through her deviousness. Her intentions may be good, however, as presented, it is hard to believe. Perhaps you might give her an alternative suggestion: encourage your mother in law to wait until the newly weds come to town, at which time she can host a cocktail party, cookout, or cocktail buffet for her son and his bride. We don't want your mother in law to make a fool of herself, unfortunately older people don't always stop to think about what they are doing, so we need to cut them some slack and watch their back. It's a juggle but someone has to stop her.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Guest List
Q If a male is invited to the wedding and he is dating, do you invite his date to the bridal shower?

A You would only invite the friend's date to the bridal shower, if you feel that she is a possible, potential longtime friend. You are not obligated to invite her. The invitation list is at the discretion of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Gift Etiquette If You Don't Attend
Q If I don't attend a bridal shower, do I get the bride a gift anyway?

A If you do not attend the bridal shower, you are not expected to give a gift; however, most people do. An invitation is a social bid that needs to be responded to in order to sustain the relationship. If you do not send a gift, then at least send a card or a handwritten, heartfelt note to the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower: Thank-You to Co-workers
Q My co-workers threw a bridal shower for me at work and gave me a very generous monetary gift. The card has a slip of paper with all the names of who contributed toward the gift. Do I send 1 thank you or individual thank-you cards to each person?

A If the card was signed by six people or less, you might send a handwritten heartfelt thank-you note to each of them individually making the notes slightly different by changing an adjective or two. If the card was signed by more than six people, you might write one letter addressed to each of the names and send copies to all, but hand sign your name and perhaps, write under your signature something like, "Many thanks, Gloria!"

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Shower?
Q Hi, I have a friend who is getting married. She is older and wants to plan the wedding quickly...July. She seems to think that she can have a wedding shower after the wedding. Is this proper? Can you do this without offending somebody? What do you think?
Thank you for your time.


A If your friend is getting married in July, it would be better if she had an engagement party as soon as possible now, or wait until the Spring to have a bridal shower, which would only include her girlfriends, female relatives and coworkers. To read my answer to a similar question, please go to my website at www.newportmanners.com, click on Frequently Asked Questions, and scroll down to Wedding Etiquette.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Table Seating
Q Where do the bride and the groom sit at the head table - when you face the table.

A When the bride and groom are to sit at the center of a one-sided rectangular table facing their guests, seated side by side, the bride is seated on the right of the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Tea Party Gift
Q What is an appropriate gift for a bridal tea party?

A The appropriate gift for a bridal tea party sounds as if it should be terrifically elegant. How fun, this might be an old-fashioned girlie-girlie party for the bride at which time she will be showered by those little luxuries we don't buy for ourselves; they might include lingerie, satin bags for lingerie, sachets, designer bath oils and lotions, for instance anything from Jo Malone, fresh cosmetic bags and bags for toiletries---with monogram is the trend right now---and French room sprays, candles, and soaps from either diptyque or Fresh. Keep it light, fresh, and fun.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal Versus Wedding Present
Q I gave a bridal gift to the bride. Do I also have to give a wedding gift, too?

A The bridal gift traditionally is a present selected for the bride's personal use and a wedding present is a gift selected for use by both the bride and the groom.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridal/Baby Shower
Q Okay - so my husband's friend is engaged to be married and his bride-to-be finds out that she is 5 months pregnant and the wedding is 2 months away. A group of us just received an invitation for a bridal/baby shower and have the following question: does this mean that we should get two gifts - one baby and one bridal - or will one do? Thank you!

A No, you do not need to give two gifts for one shower. Chose a gift for the bride as a person and forget the complicated situation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Host
Q How to word wedding invitations when bride is paying for reception, groom is paying for rehearsal party?

A It doesn't matter who pays. What matters is who is giving the bride away in marriage. If the bride does not have parents or she is estranged from them, then the invitation could be from both the bride and the groom. The rehearsal dinner would then be given by both of them, too, no matter who pays.

The wedding invitation might read (substitute your own information and center the lines on the page):

Amanda Charlotte Winslow
and
George Brown Nelson
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

The rehearsal dinner would read:

Amanda Winslow and Geoge Nelson
cordially invite you to
their Rehearsal Dinner
Friday, May tenth
at seven o'clock
The Black Pearl Restaurant

RSVP 000-0000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Bride + Groom Write Thank-Yous
Q A bridal shower is given to the couple, the bride-to-be refuses to send thank-you notes because the attendees of the shower are primarily the groom's family and friends. Is it the groom's responsibility to send thank-you notes?


A Nowadays the bride and groom share the responsibility of writing the thank-you notes. It is hard to write thank-you notes to people you don't know, so perhaps the solution is to have the groom write the notes to his family friends and the bride to hers.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Dress Code: Black Wedding Dress
Q Is it ever appropriate for a bride to wear black? This is the second marriage and the bride is 56 years old. Thank you

A An elegantly chic friend was married in beige and then for the reception changed into a black dress. There is no rule carved in stone that says you cannot wear black. It was not until Queen Victoria first wore a white wedding dress that it became a trend, which you certainly do not have to follow. If you feel comfortable in black and your fiance does not mind, then wear black. Chinese brides wear red.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Escorted by Father and Stepfather
Q When a bride gets married, her parents are divorced, and there is a stepfather, who escorts the bride so neither the father or stepfather are hurt?

A Customarily, the father escorts his daughter up the aisle. However, these days just about anything goes, so talk to your clergyman and ask him if he might allow you to have both your father and stepfather walk you up the aisle, one on either side.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Helps Mother of the Groom Select Her Dress
Q Is it appropriate for the bride to select and suggest the dress that the mother of the groom is to wear to the wedding?

A You might want to make it a joint shopping trip to assure that the mother of the groom is comfortable in the dress that the bride approves of, and that the color and style of the dress fits in with the bride and groom's vision of how they wish the family to look in the wedding photos.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride is Meddling With Shower
Q I am the sister of the bride and maid of honor. A friend of ours, groom's mom and myself are giving her a wedding shower with the three of us co-hosting. The bride is insisting on approving of our invitations, wording on invitations, and final approval of almost everything. What should we do?

A You need to remember that this is your sister's wedding and she is acting out her dream of how things should be. Cut your sister some slack and let her do whatever she wants to do.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Cash Gifts
Q How do you ask guests to give only monetary gifts, tactfully? We want to provide a money tree, box, etc. Already have my own household and don't need the normal gifts.

A Accompanying your wedding invitation you might include a small a card stating that "In lieu of a bridal registry, a small check would be greatly appreciated." You want checks because in the flurry of activity it is all too easy for money to disappear. Plus, with a check, if you lose the card at least you have the guest's name on their check so you know who to thank.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Daughters to Give Her Away
Q My father is deceased, would it be ok to have my 2 girls walk me down the aisle?

A It would depend upon whether or not you were married before because a bride can only be given away once in a bridal ceremony and you have not made this clear. If this is your second wedding, you cannot be given away again. Your two daughters could accompany you up the aisle, but they would not be able to give you away because you have already been given away. You cannot be given away more than once. If you have not been given away in a bridal ceremony previously, and you wanted to follow tradition, a male member of your family, your godfather, or a close male friend, would step in for your deceased father to give you away.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Mother to Wear Bridesmaids' Color
Q My daughter is requesting that I wear a suit to the church ceremony that is the same color of her bridemaids. Is this appropriate?

A Let's assume that your daughter is suggesting that you wear a well-cut dressy dinner suit or a dress with a matching jacket, which is quite appropriate for the mother of the bride to wear at her daughter's wedding. Brides and grooms usually have a color scheme and a vision of how they want everyone to look in the wedding pictures, so why not do as she suggests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wants Out After Two Months
Q Our daughter thinks she wants out of the marriage of just two months. What do we do?


A What you, your daughter, and her husband have to be aware of is the fact that many newlyweds suffer from depression just after their wedding. It is commonly called post-wedding depression. One or the other might feel that they have made a terrible mistake. The depression comes on after the excitement of the wedding has subsided. When all the planning, attention, and events that focused around the wedding couple come to a hault, then all of a sudden they face the reality that it is just the two of them. One or the other, or both, might be wondering: "Is this it?"

Try persuading your daughter and her husband into therapy. If there was fire there once, it might be able to be reignited. Reassure your daughter that it is quite common to have these feelings at this point.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride Wears Sister's Dress
Q Wearing my sister's wedding dress for my wedding? Proper or not???

A You are the bride and you can wear whatever wedding dress you wish. If your sister's wedding dress is a comfortable fit, by all means wear it. If it is not a comfortable fit, you might want to have it altered.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Children Questions Last Name Usage
Q I am getting remarried. I have two children. I want my married last name to be my new husband's, but I am concerned not to have my children's name at all in my name. Is it proper to keep my children's last name (which is my current last name) as my middle name and then my new husband's last name? Is that inconsiderate to my new husband? Are there any rules anywhere on this?

A I am terribly sorry, but you are not going to like my answer. The only proper way you can hold on to your ex-husband's last name is not to change your last name when you remarry. Since you told me that you want to use your new husband's last name, that is not the solution you are looking for. Another solution would be to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's last name. However, I think that sends the wrong signal to your new husband.

You can do whatever you want---there is no etiquette police who enforce laws carved in stone. Therefore, if you want to change your middle name legally to your ex-husband's name, you are certainly free to do so.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride with Two Escorts: Father and Ex-Wife's Boyfriend
Q Is is not proper forthe father of the bride to walk his daughter down the aisle? My ex-wife wants her live-in boyfriend of 12 years to walk my daughter down the aisle also with me. What do you think?

A Nowadays, I am afraid anything goes. Since there are no etiquette police to enforce the rules, people pretty much do what they want to do. The wedding is all about the bride and the groom. If the bride wants to be walked up the aisle by you and her mother's boyfriend, then that is her pregorative. Communicate directly with your daughter and ask her what she wants. Tell her you will do whatever she wants you to do but that you want to hear it from her. Tell her that no matter what she finally decides, you want the honor of dancing with her before he does because she will always be your baby girl.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Parents Pay for Their Guests
Q Our daughter is getting married. Is it okay for the groom's parents to pay for their invited guests' meals at the reception? We will be taking care of everything else. Our son is getting married four weeks before. HELP !!!

A Goodness gracious you certainly have a lot going on and a lot of expenses at this point in time. I am sure if you talked to your daughter and future son-in-law about the situation, they would be able to give you some insight as to whether or not his parents could afford to contribute to the wedding. Since money is always a sensitive topic, they would probably rather have the discussion with their son first. Work out the details ahead of time of exactly which parents are paying for what; one parent should be in charge of paying the bills and then in this case, the bridegroom's parents would pay you for the cost of their guests' meals. Don't be embarrassed by the situation. Many families have the same dilemma.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridegroom's Responsibility
Q What are the responsibilities of the parents of the groom?

A The groom (or his family) is responsible for the following:

The groom needs to sit down with his future bride and future in-laws to discuss the wedding plans and specifically who will be responsible for what. One person should be designated treasurer in charge of all the expenses. The bride and groom with their parents then figure out who pays for what. (Go to the top of the page and click on Frequently Asked Questions and scroll down to Weddings for more information.)

The organization and the expense of the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

The groom chooses a best man to watch his back throughout the entire planning and process of the wedding.

Buying the marriage license and the wedding bands, which should be done with the future bride.

The groom offers to pay the clerical fees for the ceremony, although usually the bride's family will see to it that they are paid because they have reserved the use of the ceremony space.

The groom entrusts the wedding bands to his best man before the wedding.

The groom handles everything to do with the honeymoon, the planning, the reservations, the quality of the accommodations, the total expense of the entire wedding trip, the assemblage of the luggage, and the transportation from the wedding reception. He needs to make sure both passports are up-to-date and that he and his bride both have two forms of photo identification.

Additionally, if the bridegroom is a traditional romantic, he will pay for the cost of his bride's wedding bouquet and the boutonnieres for his ushers or groomsmen.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Entrance
Q I am getting married in two weeks & we have yet to figure out which arm I take of my father's (the left or right), who's on what side of the aisle and which side does the groom's family sit & the bride's family sits.

A The bridegroom's family is seated on the right-hand side with his friends seated behind them. The bride's family and friends are on the left. The bride's mother is seated in the first pew and she is the last person to take her seat. Her arrival ten minutes ahead of the bride is the signal that the ceremony is about to start. She can be accompanied by a member of her family and together they are escorted to their seats by the head usher. She leaves a space for her husband who joins her after he has given away the bride. The bridesmaids and pages gather near the door to the church with the maid of honor five minutes before the bride arrives. The bride arrives with her father and they pose for photos. The maid of honor helps her adjust her veil and dress. The signal is given and the organist begins to play the entrance music. The groom and his best man take their positions at the altar. The bride's father steps out with his daughter on his right arm and they slowly proceed up the aisle to the nave of the church followed by the bridesmaids in pairs. The father and the bride stand to the left of the groom and she drops her arm from her father's. At the altar the order is: bride's father, bride, groom, and best man.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Present
Q I was divorced approximately 4 years ago after a 28 year marriage. We have two children (girl 28, boy 23). My daughter is getting married in early June. I insisted (with my ex-wife) that I pay for half of the cost for my daughter's wedding. Since I made this committment, I have become unemployed. The vast majority of the invited guests have been invited by my ex-wife (out of 140 people I invited less than 20 people). Is it necessary, for me to give my daughter a gift, considering that I am paying for half of the wedding?
Thank You.

A It is not necessary for you to give your daughter and her groom a wedding gift, but you might, say, offer to give them airline miles for their wedding trip. Or you might offer to pay for your daughter's bridal bouquet. As you know, the quality of a gift is not necessarily based on the grandeur of the gift, as much as the necessity of the gift. It is the generosity of spirit that is important. No doubt, you will be giving a toast to the wedding couple at the reception. So there are many subtle ways that you as a father can step in to be helpful and show generosity of spirit.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Father's Toast
Q When at a wedding, at what time does the bride's father give a welcome and thank you speech to the guests?

A Traditionally, the best man is the master of ceremonies. He organizes the toasts several weeks ahead of time and at the wedding reception he starts off the round of toasts by toasting the bride, then the groom toasts the bride, the bride toasts the groom, and then the father of the bride toasts the wedding couple.

After the best man has made the first toast, he signals to each person in the wedding party whom he knows wants to make a toast, when it is their turn. Customarily, it is done this way because otherwise there might be chaos with two people at different sides of the room, say, getting up to toast at the same time, or there might be four toasts to the bride and none to the groom. So: you would confirm your plan to make a toast to the wedding couple with the best man and wait for him to signal you to take the floor shortly after your daughter has made her toast. Don't forget, wedding toasts are no longer than three minutes each.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Gift To Groom
Q Is it customary for a bride to purchase a wedding gift for the groom? And what would be an appropriate gift?

A Traditionally, after the groom gives the bride an engagement ring, the bride reciprocates by giving the groom something personal that she knows he would like or that he needs. For instance, the bride might give the groom cuff links, studs for his tuxedo shirt, a watch, a photograph of herself in a handsome frame, or a camera to be taken on their wedding trip.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Mother + Wedding Shower
Q Can a mother of the bride help with the wedding shower?

A Traditionally, the mother of the bride does not solicit presents for the wedding couple. However, the mother of the bride can have someone else host the wedding shower for her and she can organize and pay for the shower behind the scene, if she wishes to do so. The bride's mother's name would not be on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Name First
Q Which name goes first when referring to the bride and groom, like on napkins or if doing a reading in church?

A The bride's name would appear first on a napkin or in a church reading.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Bickering
Q My boyfriend's daughter is getting married. I am not invited to the wedding even though I was not the cause of his divorce; he separated 4 yrs. ago and we will have been dating for a year and have plans to marry next year. He says it would be awkward. I have altered the girl's wedding dress for her and sewn the bridesmaid dress. The bride resents me; everything I have done and been asked to do is through her Dad. To what extent does he have to participate with his ex? He does not want to do the dance thing or sit beside her as she is now contesting the divorce papers, which she won't sign. It's the bride's day so I can care less about going. Hurt feelings sure, but it's her day. The groom's family invites them for dinner to their house; is he obliged to go with the ex? She is now wanting alimony from him even though the separation covered all that.

A It sounds as if the bride's mother is under a lot of pressure, not just financially but socially in terms of being a single parent at her daughter's wedding and having to deal with the mounting bills. You sound like a well- mannered and sensible person; in stressful times such as these often a strong person needs to come forward and help the bride's parents pitch in and work together on making the wedding a success for their family. As you said, the wedding is all about the daughter but, sadly, her parents are making it a battle ground. Perhaps you might get your boyfriend to talk to his ex-wife about calling a truce on their marital/financial bickering until after their daughter is wed. Remind him that he and his ex-wife are role models of behavior for the daughter and if they are behaving badly, it only reflects poorly on their daughter.

After you've gotten them to call a truce, see if you can get them to conform to proper etiquette. After the groom walks his daughter up the aisle he sits in the bride's parents' pew next to the bride's mother, whether they are married or not. This is how nice people behave. When the bride looks over at the parents' pew, she needs to see both of her parents. He does not need to stand in the receiving line for any longer than necessary; most fathers don't. It is likely that he will be seated next to the groom's mother, who will be on his right, at the parents' table. While the groom's father dances with the groom's mother, the bride's father dances with the bride's mother, no matter what. Everyone will be looking to see how these two bickering parents behave and they need to set boundaries of behavior because they are their daughter's role model.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Parents Can't Make Wedding Plan Come True
Q What if the parents of the bride, after making all the wedding and reception plans with the bride and groom, suddenly find they are not prepared to pay for it?? Is it appropriate for them to then ask the groom to speak to his parents about paying for their guests? What if the groom's parents are not able to do so?

A These days, often the expense of the wedding is shared by both families. Since you already have the dream plan on paper, you might come up with an alternative plan eliminating a couple of elements and shortening your invitation list. You might opt for a less formal reception, for instance a buffet lunch instead of a seated dinner, or using the church hall for the reception instead of paying for a banquet hall, or you might rent a tent and tables and chairs and have the reception on your lawn. See what you can do by paring down the existing plan to one you can afford. Then meet with the bride and groom and tell them you were not prepared for all the hidden expenses, so you have come up with an alternative plan. If this does not solve the problem of cost, then you or the bride might ask the groom if his parents might be able to pitch-in. In many situations, such as yours, one parent will act as treasurer paying the bills and then the costs are divvied up between the two families. Often when the bride's family cannot afford to pay for the wedding and the groom's family can, the groom's family are happy to pitch in. Traditionally, the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding trip so you need to find out what they are already preparing to contribute before you ask them to help with the wedding reception. When you meet with the groom's parents you might find that by pooling your ideas, you come up with all sorts of ways to spend less, for instance they might have a relative or friend who is a florist or owns a restaurant, or they may offer to host the reception at their country club or Elks Club. Many times a wedding is more fun when everyone is included in a less formal setting. The sooner you resolve the problem and begin communicating with your new extended family, the sooner you will start having fun making your daughter and future son-in-law's wedding come together.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Present to Groom
Q Does the bride-to-be buy the groom-to-be a present before the wedding?

A Traditionally, the bride gives the groom a pair of cufflinks, studs, a watch, or a framed photograph of herself.

Wedding Etiquette: Bride's Rings
Q Do you wear your engagement ring down the aisle or do you put that on after the ceremony? Also does the wedding band go below or above the engagement ring?

A The bride is not wearing her engagement ring walking down the aisle; however, she can put it on anytime after the wedding band has been placed on her finger. So: the wedding band is closest to her palm and the engagement ring goes on next.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid + Shower Present
Q Does a bridesmaid purchase the bride a shower gift if she is heavily involved in the planning and cost of the event? If so, should it be something from her registry, or more a personal type of gift?

A No, you might not be expected to purchase a shower gift since you have been so involved with the shower, however, if you think you might feel empty handed you might bring a tiny gift beautifully wrapped, but it is not necessary.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Dresses: When They Don't Like the Bride's Choice
Q What is correct etiquette when the color amd style of the dress that the bride has chosen for her attendants is totally wrong for the attendants?

A The bridesmaids need to tell the bride that they don't feel that the bridesmaid's dress is appropriate for all of the bridesmaids. But before you do this, do some research and come up with a dress that suits all of your figures and budgets, then present your suggestions to the bride. Traditionally, the bride takes the matron or maid of honor and another bridesmaid with her when she picks out the dress. If she hasn't done this, you can certainly say why you don't like the dress; for instance, long bridesmaid's dresses are "so over." Also, you want a dress that you will be able to wear again. Although strapless is in right now, not all women look well in a strapless dress. Short dresses are usually less expensive because there is less fabric. So: come up with some alternative choices, which you have a consensus on from the other bridesmaids, before you present the bride with alternatives and tell her why the bridesmaids don't like the dress.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My mother seems to think that the sister of the groom should be included as a bridesmaid in the wedding party, if the sister and the fiancee and the sister and the brother all have close, good relationships. Is there a hard and fast rule about including the sister of the groom in the wedding party? Thank you.


A It is the prerogative of the bride to chose her bridesmaids. Do not rain on that parade.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q When is the appropriate time for bridesmaids to leave a wedding reception? Are they required to stay until the end of the evening? Can they leave before the bride and groom leave?

A The bridesmaids can leave after the bride throws her bouquet.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette
Q My maid of honor doesnt understand that there is a budget for this wedding and is buying new shoes, stockings and a floor-length gown and has sent me a bill. I know I asked her to stand with me but how do I explain to her I cannot afford her stuff as well as my gown?

A Actually, the maid of honor buys her own gown, shoes and stockings. If you did not offer to pay for these things when you asked her to stand with you, then you are not obligated to pay for them. On the other hand, if you did offer to pay for them, you would have stipulated a budget and that you would like to approve the gown and shoes before the purchase. If the maid of honor has gone ahead and bought things that she cannot afford, you need to tell her that she has to return the gown and shoes for ones that she can afford. If she does not want to do this, then you do not have to pay, nor do you have to pay the difference between what you can afford to pay and the actual cost of the item. How to resolve this after the fact is dicey. You need to have a friendly conversation with the bridesmaid and try to get her to see the situation from your point of view. Ask her this: "How do you think you would handle this situation? I should have given you a budget before you went out and spent money that I cannot afford to reimburse you for because I have so many other expenses towards the wedding. Would you be willing to compromise with me by, say, taking back the long gown and exchanging it for a dress that falls just below the knees?" This way you are not criticizing her behavior, because as you know nothing destroys a relationship faster than criticism. But you are enlisting her compassion by trying to get her to think about the consequences of her spending money you did not allocate. Tell her that you have a very strict budget and give her an amount with which she can work. If she wants to keep what she bought, then she pays the difference. Also, long gowns on bridesmaids are so over, she would look a lot chicer if she wore a short gown anyway. To soften boundaries that you are setting, you might want to let her off the hook about having to buy you a wedding present. Remember that etiquette is all about compassion, consideration and compromise. Try to get her to put herself in your shoes and then ask her to compromise. Set boundaries of what you can afford to give her a certain amount towards her outfit and suggest that she purchase a shorter gown. Nowadays, the only person at a wedding who wears a long gown is the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Etiquette: Pregnant Bridesmaid
Q What is proper etiquette for bridesmaids that discover they are pregnant?

A The bridesmaid would have a conversation with the bride telling her the happy news. The bridesmaid when then offer to give up her duties, in other words, she would offer to resign and let the bride replace her with another friend. The choice is at the discretion of the bride. The proper etiquette is to let the bride off the hook by resigning.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid gifts
Q 3

A 3

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Hosts Dutch Treat Dinner
Q I'm planning a bridal shower (I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding) at a restaurant. I fear people will expect their meals to be paid for, when in fact they will not. Is there a PC way to address this issue on the invitation? (The manager of the restaurant has asked me to ask the women to bring cash with them, since there are going to be about 40 people there.) (Most of these people live out-of-state, so word-of-mouth isn't a good option.)

A At the bottom of the invitation, under the RSVP, you might print something like this: "Dutch Treat" $45. Cash Only Dinner includes meal, wine, tax and tip. You will also need to state "No Presents" opposite from the RSVP on the right hand side, because you are already asking them to pay for their meal and they will have plenty of other expenses associated with the wedding. Don't forget to factor in the tax and gratuity when determining a set price, perhaps the manager might help you with this.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who should give a bridesmaid luncheon and what is the purpose of it?

A Traditionally, the matron of honor, the maid of honor, and the bridesmaids host a party for the bride on the same night as the bachelor dinner for the groom; the bride's close women friends and relatives are invited, all of whom have been invited to her wedding.

A bridal luncheon would not necessarily be held by the bridesmaids. It would more than likely be hosted by friends of the mother of the bride and their daughters. It would be held at noon on Saturday before an evening wedding for the women in the bridal party, close women friends and relatives of the bride and the groom's close women relatives. It would last for two hours, and it is a polite way of giving the ladies lunch on the wedding day when the wedding is later in the day. At that time the men might be off playing golf or sailing. The purpose of the bridal lunch is to introduce the out-of-town women guests and the bride's friends and family to the groom's.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid Luncheon
Q Who is invited to a bridesmaid luncheon? Thank you.

A The bridesmaid luncheon can serve different purposes. For instance, it can be given by the bridesmaids the day before the wedding just for the bride. Or a friend or relative of the bride or groom's mother can host a luncheon for all the women in the bridal party and any out of town guests or close friends of the family that have been invited to the wedding. Or it might be a simple luncheon of sandwiches and yogurt hosted by any of the bridesmaids or the bride the day of the wedding while the bride is being helped into her dress. Often for the dressing session the bride's mother will hire a make-up artist and hair stylist to attend to each member of the bridal party. Or there can be two luncheons: one formal luncheon given by a friend or friends of the bride's mother the day before the wedding as well as a small grooming luncheon for the bridesmaids and bride the day of the wedding. Then again, often several women will host a formal ladies luncheon in a private home or club or restaurant the day before the wedding and the bride will be given a cake with various good luck charms hidden inside. Depending upon your circle of friends, there are various traditions that can be brought into place. The intention of the bridal luncheon is to make sure that all the bridesmaids arrive ahead of time so that if a bridesmaid, say, is missing anything or needs help sewing on a strap, finding the right shoes, or having a nail polish change those details can be handled at that time. When many of the guests have, say, traveled across country to attend the wedding, then the wedding couple's families and close friends try to provide hospitable ways to host the wedding party and out-of- town guests with pre-wedding barbecues, cookouts, luncheons, golf games, etc. Start by making a list of all the women in the bridal party, including women relatives such as aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, stepmothers, and then list the out-of-town guests so that when someone offers to host a bridal luncheon you have a good idea of how many people might be able to attend, if invited to a bridal luncheon. As you can see, there are many variations of the bridal luncheon whether you just want to make sure that the bride and her maids have something to eat before the big event, or you just want to make sure that all the women in the bride's inner circle have a chance to socialize over lunch.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids + Mothers Don't Wear the Same Color
Q I am not sure if this question is considered etiquette or not. However....my stepdaughter is getting married in August, and she told me to get a yellow dress. When I went to the bridal store to find something, I was talking to the owner and explaining to her that my stepdaughter was getting married and that the bridal party was wearing yellow and that she wanted myself, her mother, and her mother-in-law to be to all wear yellow, as well. She informed me that we (the mothers) are absolutley not supposed to wear the same color as the bridal party. I have to place my order by the end of this month, so I was wondering if you could tell me what is correct and what isn't. I talked to my stepdaughter about it and she said if I could find out for sure what was right and wrong, she would greatly appreciate it. Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

A There is no law about the mothers wearing the same color as the bridesmaids. It is customary for the mothers to wear beige from head to toe. Usually the bride and groom visualize how they want the wedding party to look in the photographs. This year "the" color is yellow; however, do you really want to compete with all those cute, young bridesmaids? See if you can get your stepdaughter to look at the big picture and realize that she might not want her mother, stepmother, aunts, and grandmothers all looking like older bridesmaids. You ladies will look lovely and dignified all in beige blending into the scene. There is no law, but maybe there should be. Ultimately, as you know, it is your stepdaughter's wedding and her decision.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Dilemma: Two Brides Same Day
Q What do you do if you have verbally committed to being a bridesmaid for two different weddings but they ended up on the same day? How do you decide?

A This is a decision only you can make. Discuss your dilemma with each of the brides because you might find that one of the brides has a problem because she has asked too many friends to be bridesmaids or that one feels bad because cousin so-and-so is feeling left out. If you still can't decide, be a bridesmaid for the friend who invited you first. Then you can tell number two the truth: you had accepted the other bride first.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Duties
Q What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

A Along with the matron and the maid of honor, the bridesmaids organize a bridemaids' party the same night as the bachelor dinner is held for the bridegroom. They also help to choose and organize the joint gift to the bride from all of her attendants.

The day of the wedding, their duty is to be there for her if she needs anything from a safety pin to an aspirin and to keep her company up until they all walk down the aisle. Most importantly, they make sure she has something to eat before the wedding. They organize her "going-away" outfit and make sure the best man gets all of her luggage into the getaway car, including her passport, other photo identification, wallet, pocketbook, cosmetic bag, filofax, Blackberry and cell phone. After the wedding they see to it that her wedding dress, veil, and other wedding accessories are taken back to her home. The bridal attendants are not only responsible for watching the bride's back, they are mini-hostesses who help out the family and cheerfully great guests and relatives as self-sustaining guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Gifts
Q When do I give my bridesmaids their gifts?

A Traditionally, there might have been a luncheon where the bride would give her bridesmaids gifts and there would be a bridesmaid's cake with charms for the bride buried into the cake. Nowadays, the gifts are more apt to be given the day of the wedding while the bridesmaids are helping the bride "get dressed." Often a makeup person and hairstylist will go to the bride, and the bridesmaids will show up in their dresses to have their makeup and hair styled, too. At that time, while nibbling on tea sandwiches and non-fat yogurt and sipping herbal tea or espresso, the bride will give a small gift to all of her closest friends, her bridesmaids. In the meantime, the bridesmaids will be making sure that the bride has something old, something new, something blue and that her passport and her outfit and luggage for the wedding trip getaway are organized for the best man to deliver to the getaway car. If this is not the plan, do not fret. It is best to wait until the bridesmaids are all assembled to give out the bridesmaids gifts, as in many instances this might be the first and last time that they are all together, so the bride would try to thank them all at once. Often a photographer is on hand towards the end to catch the tears, and a photo of the garter, which the groom is supposed to take off her leg with his teeth on their wedding night.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids Etiquette: Hairstyle + Makeup
Q How much control does a bride have in picking her bridesmaids' hairstyle and makeup?


A The bride and bridesmaids would discuss the makeup and hairstyles at, say, a girlie-girlie bridal shower and come to a compromise. In order to have the makeup and hairstyles coordinated, a lot of brides arrange with a beauty salon for her bridesmaids to come with clean hair to have their hair styled and their makeup applied the day of the wedding. Or the bride hires a makeup artist and hairstylist to attend to them in, say, the maid of honor's hotel room. How much control depends upon the social skills of the bride, or how much she cares. If the bride really cares, then she will provide the service for them.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Family Conflict
Q I am in a friend's wedding in September. I am due to have a baby in August. Since I breast-feed, I was planning on bringing my baby to the rehearsal dinner. She told me that I can't, so I told her that I will not be able to attend. Then she told me that I could not attend the bridesmaids' lunch, which is at her mother's house. I am frustrated and want to know if it will be rude to drop out of her wedding..? Please help

A The reality of the situation is that after your baby is born, you might find that you are not really interested in attending these social events. You might be so wrapped up in your baby and exhausted that it might be better if you backed out. The sooner you back out, the better because the bride might need to try to find someone to replace you, which might be awkward if they know you have backed out. So, please have a discussion with the bride. Tell her that if she wouldn't mind, you would like to beg off and let her replace you. If she insists that you attend because it is too late to replace you, then you will have to put on a happy face and be a dutiful bridesmaid. You might be able to pump a couple of bottles of milk for a babysitter to feed to your baby while you are performing your bridal party duties.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaid's Financial Responsibilities
Q Help!!! I am in a situation: who pays for the shower when the bride's sisters and mother are planning to invite 95 people (all the females invited to the wedding) to the shower? There are 8 bridesmaids who are being asked to pay $200 apiece just for the shower..... not to mention $200 for the dress, and a gift for the shower, and wedding. I also am paying for my daughter's dress who is a junior bridesmaid and my son's tux, as a junior groomsman. This wedding is going to run me almost $1000!!!!! This is nuts!

A You need to have a conversation with the bride and tell her that you are concerned that there is too much pressure being put on the bridal party financially. Often the wedding couple or their families will have a discretionary fund which would pay, say, for your share of the cost of the shower, or your children's outfits. Why not ask? She should be made aware of the fact that the wedding is a strain on you financially and that you are not even going to be able to buy her a gift when you are through paying for all the expenses for your family to be a part of her wedding. The sooner you discuss this with her, the better. If you can find a buddy to have the talk with her, too, all the better. Don't be afraid to ask about a discretionary fund. Remember that if you are a good enough friend to be asked as a bridesmaid, you are a good enough friend to speak your mind. As for the number of bridesmaids, it does not sound like a cozy intimate bridal shower but the guest list is at the discretion of the bride, so there is not much you can do about that except to be sure that everyone who is invited is also being invited to the wedding. Be brave, set your boundaries. Tell her what you can afford to pay for and what you simply cannot afford to pay for.

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon Invitation Wording
Q I am the MOB and would like help with the wording for the Bridesmaids' Luncheon invitation. Can you direct me to where I may find some samples?

A I would be happy to give you the wording for your daughter's bridal luncheon. If you return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and ask the question again, but this time providing me with the following information, I will detail it out for you: Who is hosting the luncheon? The RSVP for the luncheon? The name of the bride? The place, date, and time? If you have a cut-off date for the RSVP, I will need that date, too. Remember that you do not necessarily have to list the host in the body of the invitation if the hostess's name is under the RSVP. Also, would you clarify the following: Is this a bridal luncheon given in honor of the bride and the bridesmaids, or is it a luncheon being given by the bride for her bridesmaids? Please be assured that I will not post your question and my answer on my Web site.

Didi Lorillard
www.newportmanners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Bridesmaids' Luncheon with Stepmother
Q Is it proper for the stepmother of the bride to host the bridesmaids' luncheon?

A The bridesmaids' luncheon is given