Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Accepting
Q How do I write a handwritten reply to a wedding invitation?

A Center these lines on your nicest personal stationery, inserting your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Accepting + Regretting on a Wedding RSVP Card
Q What is the proper way to respond on a wedding rsvp card?

A If you are accepting the wedding invitation, you might center these lines and change the names and date to read something like this:


Mr. Hamilton Bissel
accepts with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

If you are regretting the wedding invitation, you might say:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
sincerely regret
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Adding a Note to the Reply Card
Q I was invited to a wedding coming up shortly, and the invitation had a reply card, but I wanted to add a little more than just replying "Yes." Do you have any suggestions?

A Why not hold off and incorporate your sentiments into your thank-you note after you've attended the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Deceased Navy or Coast Guard Commander
Q How is a deceased military person listed in a wedding announcement? As in:
Grandson of the later Cdr. XXXXX, USN, Retired?

A Assuming you mean the wedding announcement that the family places in the newspaper, it would be Commander Charles Dickens. You would not use the word Retired because it is a social situation; nor would you use USN. As the rank of Commander is only used in the Navy and Coast Guard, it would not be used socially either.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Judge and a Doctor
Q How would I address a wedding invitation to a judge and his doctor wife?

A Socially, on the outside wedding invitation envelope it would be:

Judge Theodore Greene and Dr. Elizabeth Greene.
Their address

Or, if the two names are too long to go on one line, use two lines and indent the second line:

Judge Theodore Greene
and Dr. Elizabeth Greene
Their address

The inside envelope would read:

Judge and Dr. Greene

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Judge and a Doctor
Q How would I address a wedding invitation to a judge and his doctor wife?

A Socially, on the outside wedding invitation envelope it would be:

Judge Theodore Greene and Dr. Elizabeth Greene.
Their address

Or, if the two names are too long to go on one line, use two lines and indent the second line:

Judge Theodore Greene
and Dr. Elizabeth Greene
Their address

The inside envelope would read:

Judge and Dr. Greene

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Major and Her Lt. Col. Husband
Q Didi,

You have helped me with past etiquette questions and here is another one.

I need some advice on how to address a wedding invitation where a military couple is being reassigned from England to the States and will not have a proper mailing address when the invitations to my son's wedding are sent. This is for my niece and her husband. My brother suggested the invitation come to his address and he and his wife will pass the invitation on to the couple. Is the following how the outside envelope should read? Please advise.

Lieutenant Colonel John Smith
and Major Elizabeth Smith
c/o Mr. and Mrs. William Brown
5421 Main Street
Anywhere, Missouri 12345

Thank you.

Dottie Hempel

A You are perfectly correct.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Envelopes
Q When addressing invitation envelopes to unmarried couples, and you know both of them, what is the etiquette for addressing the envelope?

A If the couple is living at the same address and it is a semiformal or informal wedding, then you might put both names on one envelope with the woman's name first. If it is a formal wedding, then you would address separate envelopes to both, even if they live at the same address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Etiquette: Former American Ambassador
Q How do I address the outer and inner envelopes on a wedding invitation to a former ambassador to the United Kingdom? He is in another line of work now.

A Career ambassadors continue to be addressed as Ambassador after retirement. Therefore, the correct address for a former American Ambassador would be "Ambassador Jones" on the inside envelope (and the place card). However, on the outside envelope you would use the honorific "The Honorable," as in "The Honorable James Earl Jones." Remember, on wedding invitations you spell out the middle name.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope
Q When addressing the inside envelope on a wedding invitation, would you write what the parents or what the bride or groom would call the recipient of the invitation?
Mr. and Mrs. Jones by the bride or groom
Tom and Betsy by the parents

A No, it is simply not done. You need not write, "by the bride or groom," or "by the parents." It is not necessary. The recipient will know that they are being invited because they are friends of the parents, bride or groom, or both.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope: Black Tie Optional
Q How do you address a wedding invitation where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer? Also, if you are having a black tie optional wedding, should the invites be formal on the inner envelope? Thank you.

A When addressing a wedding invitation envelope where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer, the outside envelope would read: Dr. Emily Dickens and Mr. George Dickens. If you are also using an inside envelope, that would read: Dr. Dickens and Mr. Dickens.

When you list "Black tie optional," you assume that the guest who doesn't have a tuxedo will wear a dark suit, white shirt, tie, and black shoes and socks. Inner envelopes are addressed with the same formality, whether for a formal or semi-formal wedding. You probably would not have an inner envelope for an informal wedding; however, you wouldn't necessarily have to have an inner envelope for a semi-formal wedding. Choose a style of formality and carry that theme throughout the wedding or otherwise you will be giving your guests mixed messages as to how to dress and how to behave.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Titles
Q How do I address a wedding invitation to someone who is simultaneously an M.D., Ph.D., Professor, and ordained minister? Do I pick one or two to use, is there a social ranking requiring that I pick a particular one, or does job trump earned degrees?

Similarly, how do I address a wedding invitation to someone who is simultaneously a Ph.D., a Professor, and an officer (president or dean or provost) of a university? Again, do I pick one title (and how?), or do I use several?

A You would address the invitation to the name that the person uses. For instance, a clergyman with a doctor's degree socially would be The Reverend Dr. Andrew E. Jones. Socially, you would not use any initials after a person's name, you would only use Dr. or Dean as a title. When in doubt, telephone the person's secretary to ask how the person is addressed socially.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Women as Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations to my bridesmaids who are all under the age of twenty-five and unmarried, do I use Miss or Ms.?

A When addressing unmarried women eighteen years and older, you would use Ms. or Miss.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Gay Couples
Q When a married gay or lesbian couple are invited to a wedding, how do you address their invitation when their last names are hyphenated? What title of address (Mr., Ms., Mrs., Mses., Messrs. etc.)is used?

A Socially, if both use the same last name, whether hyphenated or not, you would address them thusly:

The Fremont-Smiths
Their address

or

The McClintock-Smiths
Address

In other words, you don't need to use titles, because you are addressing partners who have the same title and the same last name. For instance, if you were, say, addressing two heterosexual doctors, socially, you would address them as: The Drs. McClintock-Smith. Whether they are gay or not, socially, they would be invited as the Smiths or the McClintock-Smiths. My husband and I are referred to as The Cowleys. Sexual orientation doesn't differentiate when addressing titles with the same last name socially.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Adults Only
Q How do we politely tell our guests our wedding and reception is adults only?

A Only those whose names are written on the wedding invitation envelope are invited to the wedding. If a guest returns a reply card with a list of her children's name, you pick up the phone and say, "I am terribly sorry, but we are not inviting any children under the age of 21 to our wedding; so we will not be able to accommodate your children." I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will get the message. You don't want to put anything negative on a wedding invitation, so you would not put NO CHILDREN.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: All Cousins Invited
Q Should all cousins be invited to a wedding assuming there is enough room?

A It depend upon your relationship with the cousins whom you would invite and whom you would not invite. There are no rules carved in stone saying that you have to invite them all. Why not make a list of the cousins, with their mates, going from the one you like the most to the one you like the least and then figure out how many you can afford to entertain at the reception. Remember that they may not all be able to attend. Also, don't forget that the bride and groom customarily invite the same amount of cousins so that both sides are equally represented.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: And Guest
Q When receiving a wedding invitation should they be addressed to the person and GUEST if not addressed to a married couple? In my family of 4, myself divorced, and my girls all single, 2 came & GUEST and 2 just had our names and no GUEST. My one daughter was very upset by this and wanted to know.
Thank you in advance.
D. Davison

A Customarily, you would not see "and guest" because the primary guest would have been asked personally if she wanted to bring a guest and an invitation would have been sent to her guest and his name would be on the guest list. You certainly might call the mother or the bride or the bride and say that you are a bit confused. "Are you inviting my girls to bring escorts or not?" Act as if there must have been an oversight and do not mention the bad manners. Keep the conversation simple, just that one sentence. Do not drone on about the details and injustice.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: And Guest: When Women Invite Women
Q My question is in regards to addressing the invite with a person and "and guest". I've read that it's not proper to put "and guest" because it's courtesy to at least write in the name of the significant other. Here is our dilemma. At this particular time, the groom's sister is not dating anyone. When the "and guest" topic came up, she proceeded to say since she's not with anyone, she will just bring along one of her girl friends. We were afraid this would be said, and honestly, we don't appreciate her thinking that she is entitled to bring anyone to the wedding. What to do? Are we in the wrong to think this way??

A In my opinion, the only reason that you would add "and Guest" is because you wouldn't want to leave out someone's partner. If this weren't the groom's sister, I would advise you to call her up and explain to her that when you invited her to bring a guest you assumed that it would be someone she would be dancing with and partnered with at dinner. Because she is the groom's sister, as you know, you'll have to tread lightly.

Alternatively, you can try discussing the situation with the groom or the groom's mother or if there is another sister. You can explain that it could be arranged to have one of the single groomsmen escort the groom's sister and be seated with her at dinner so that she would be assured to have a dance partner. That, after all, is one of the responsibilities of a single groomsman and why they are invited--to dance with the single women. I know this sounds old-fashioned, but since you're asking, you're obviously concerned about seating your guests girl, boy, girl, boy at the tables so that everyone will have a dancing partner, and that no single woman is left alone at the table when everyone gets up to dance.

You are not wrong, you just have to make it clear to the groom's family that you will see to it that the groom's sister is taken care of for the evening; you will find a single male guest to be her dinner partner, if she doesn't have "a date." That way she can either come up with a male date for herself, or you can find a cousin or family friend to escort her, if there isn't an available groomsman.

Try to have someone explain to the groom's sister, If you don't feel that you can do this yourself, that when she was asked to bring a guest, it was for the purpose of dancing and that you would be happy to seat her with a single male guest. Say that you are trying to keep the girl-boy ratio balanced for the dancing; after all that is the fun part of the wedding and you want to be sure that she has a good time.

In the future, if you have another daughter getting married, find out ahead of time the names of the single guest's partners by calling them or emailing to ask them, and put that partner's name on the invitation and then on the place cards. If the single person does not have a significant other, then do not, under any circumstances, put "and Guest" because then you'll get stuck again paying for someone nobody knows. The criteria is that the person that you refer to as "and Guest" is either living with or engaged to this partner. Gender is not an issue. Never send an invitation to someone with "and Guest" unless you are willing to accept the consequences of who that guest might be. It just isn't done for exactly that reason. Find out the partner's name and if they are not living together, get that person's address in order to send your guest's guest his or her own invitation.

By the way, most wedding couples have a criteria as to who makes the guest list cut. An example of that criteria might be: "We are only inviting friends we've seen and talked to within the past six months." It works like a charm, if you get the wedding couple to get the word out through word of mouth that this is the criteria for being invited. Another criteria is "There are enforced fire code regulations because of space limitations, so we can only invite close friends and family who actually know the wedding couple."

Since I don't know the background of the families or the dynamics between the families, I've given you various options in the hope that you'll feel comfortable about taking control of the situation. These are some facts to back you up:

At the discretion of the wedding couple, a woman 18 years of age and older can be invited to bring a guest to sit with and dance with, however, only girls under 18 can have another girl accompany her, but only if there are no other "children" her age.

Before going forward with straightening out this situation, be sure that the groom's sister isn't gay, because that, of course, would be the exception and you'll have to accept the fact that the girls will be seated side-by-side and dance with each other.

Assuming that the groom's sister is not a little girl any longer and isn't gay, the bottom line is that any woman 18 years of age or older attends with a named male friend, or the bride's family seats her with a single male guest.

It's one of those wedding rules, such as "nobody wears a white dress but the bride": single woman and single men don't have same sex dates unless they are gay or are under 18 years of age.

Set these boundaries early on and stick to them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Announcements, Addressing and Color of Ink
Q Help! My invitations have to go out this week!

I am not sending wedding invitations to all my friends. Some of them will only receive wedding announcements. Do I include names on the inner envelopes of the announcements even though they are not invited to attend the wedding ceremony or reception?

Also, my invitations are letter-pressed with dark navy blue ink (looks almost black) print on very heavy white paper. The return address is also navy blue ink. Would it be acceptable to have the front of my envelopes also printed in matching dark blue ink with matching formal script using a printer? If handwritten, should it be addressed in black or dark navy ink (to match the return address on the back of the card)?

Thank you so much for your help!

A You do not need to use inside envelopes for announcements.

In my opinion, you would hand address the announcements and addresses with the same color ink as the invitation and announcements. Or a color ink that is close enough.

Hope this catches you in time. I apologize for not having answered sooner, but I am taking a break from my site for a week; however, when I saw your question, I knew I had to answer it pronto.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Cash Instead of Stuff
Q I am getting married and we would like cash donations instead of wedding gifts. How can I word that on the invitations? Thanks

A Along with your invitation you can include an "At Home" card with your married address and add one of these lines at the bottom of your "At Home" card:

In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated.


Or, since guests like to know how you'll be spending the money that you're asking for, you can say something such as this that will help them be generous:

Please contribute to our down payment on our new home.

A contribution for our honeymoon (wedding trip) would be greatly appreciated.

A small contribution towards our educational expenses would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Gifts
Q Dear Didi,
Per the following excerpt from your NY Times letter:

"So in this case, Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette", is wrong, it is O.K. to dictate to guests what their gift should be. "

Personally, I would disagree that Peggy Post is wrong. There is not a wrong or right in this circumstance. Although I respect your choice on how to guide individuals, recognize that there are some (many?) who would disagree. I would be very put off by an insert of the type you recommend. The word "lieu" is typically used when people are asking for donations to be made (rather than gifts). To ask for money as if it is in place of a gift is not only crass (in my opinion), but it is seeming to suggest that one is not asking for a gift. (In lieu or in place of a gift, give us money.) Although the use of the word small does, I think, soften the message.

I would be interested in knowing if I am in the minority and will ask around. I'd be curious about the feedback that your clients have received as well (although it may not be clear, since people may not directly admit to being "put off").

Anyway, I do agree that for many, the money would be much more useful; just not sure about the manner in which it gets communicated. Just some thoughts....

Janet Slifer

A I agree with you completely. However, I am not part of the generation getting married at this point in time. Currently my daughter, who was married on June 2, 2007, is much like others of her generation who are on the wedding circuit. I insisted that she and her fiance set up a wedding website to keep the two families and friends from different coasts in the loop about wedding plans, activities, accommodations, directions, and bridal registry. The only instruction for bridal registries was made inadvertently on the "Save the Date" card, which listed their wedding website but no reference to gifts. That was supposed to be the polite way to keep people in the loop about wedding gifts. If only guests would go to the wedding website, they could click on "Bridal Registry." Because they received so many duplicate gifts that had to be returned, or could not be returned, for their engagement party, we decided to list the bridal registry on their wedding website. Nowadays, most anyone involved with a wedding couple learns about www.theknot.com and the weddingchannel.com, etc. They assumed that their wedding website would direct people to the bridal registry. But no, they have received many very expensive presents that they do not need. For instance, they received two wine refrigerators. My daughter and her husband, who barely drink at all, live in a tiny apartment that barely accommodates a standard refrigerator. But the wine refrigerator happened to be the hip, cool gift last winter. Try carrying two wine refrigerators back to the store when you live in a big city. The "At Home Card" is an old-fashioned way of getting out new information, such as new address, new name. I must admit that I was slightly taken back when a couple of years ago my best friend remarried after buying a co-op and I received a letter from her cousin suggesting that the wedding couple, who have everything they need, would rather have a small check towards renovating their new apartment. Since then, I believe that giving is all about giving people what they truly need and want and not what I think they need. In many faiths and cultures money is the only gift expected. Italian brides wear red silk purses around their waists which wedding guests stuff with checks and cash. Jewish weddings also encourage cash presents. There are cultures that have money trees and weddings where the bride encourages guests to pin bills to her dress in return for a dance. The "At Home card" to me, for this current generation is the most efficient way of handling the wedding present dilemma. On the "At Home" card, one does not have to dictate that gifts only be checks, but a check can be an option. Another option is to list one or two bridal registries, which is what I will do for my next daughter's wedding. You have to remember that it is even more vulgar to pull out a beautiful wedding invitation and have four or five registry cards from chains (Such as Bed, Bath and Beyond with the wedding couple's registry number already on the card) tumble out onto your floor. Speaking of making the guest feel like a dummy, all the guest has to do is to exchange that card for a gift card. Just to ease your mind, my daughter and her husband did not receive one single check, but that wasn't what they wanted. They are sweetly old fashioned; they only wanted their place settings of china, silver and crystal. (The engagement party brought in most of their kitchen ware.) Also, I agree that there is no right or wrong way to ask for gifts, but it sure helps if you send people in the right direction. Again, I agree with you about the usage of the word "lieu." Unfortunately, at this point in time, the expression is commonly used instead of the word "instead." The word "gift", also, is tricky, because obviously a check would be a gift of money, which is why I also advise that the wedding couple state how the gift of money will be used. Believe it or not, I answer questions from couples who get themselves financially in debt just planning the wedding and they want to know how they can ask for money to pay for the wedding. Although I do agree with your points, having lived through this for the past year, I do believe that making it easy for the guests is the way to go. To the wedding couple that means using the old-fashioned "At Home" card, which was used long before there were bridal registries.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Monetary Gifts
Q How do we ask for a monetary gift on our wedding invitation?
My parents say that it is not proper etiquette to ask for money even though my fiance and I have all that we need except for the down payment for an apartment. We hear that a lot of newly- weds end up turning their gifts into cash anyway. Please help us to figure out how we can ask for cash politely.

A In my opinion, the tide has changed because the trend nowadays is to come clean with what you want upfront. Nobody has time to return unwanted wedding gifts. Many young marrieds work long hours and would rather spend their free time in any way other than standing in post office lines to send presents back to the store. If you want monetary gifts, include an "At Home" card along with your invitation that not only lists the newlyweds' address, but these words underneath: "In lieu of a present, a small check towards a down payment for an apartment would be gratefully appreciated." Let me reiterate that you would not put that request on the actual wedding invitation, but on a separate insert card that matches the invitation. On that "At Home" card, remember to use the exact names that appear on your joint bank account. Most of your wedding guests will understand that you want to make it easy for them to send a monetary gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Big Wedding + Small Reception
Q My sister is getting married in July. She wants a small wedding and doesn't mind if more guests come to the wedding but wants the reception to be just close friends and relatives. How do you invite people to the wedding but not the reception? Also, can you invite people to a bridal shower that you do not invite to the reception? And is it ok to send an announcement to people that are not invited to the wedding? Thanks for any help you can give in this matter.

A You would not invite anyone to a shower that is not being invited to the wedding, unless the wedding is very small and you are planning on having a large party when the wedding couple return from their wedding trip.

You would have two cards printed: one inviting people to the church only and the second inviting guest just to the reception. Guests who are being invited to both would have one of each card in their envelope.

The hard part of this is that those who are not going on to the reception are going to feel excluded.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Both Parents Are Remarried
Q What is the correct order for writing the names of parents on our wedding ceremony? Both sets of parents are divorced and remarried.

A For a Christian wedding, only the bride's parents are listed, so even if the parents have remarried, it would go like this with the mother's new name first:

Mrs. John William Stuart
and
Mr. George Henry Herrick
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Rose
to
Mr. Donald McDonald Smith

In the Jewish faith, the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name; the mother's name would come first and the father's name would be under hers. As in the following:

Mrs. John Gross Loeb
and
Mr. David Lehman Schwartz
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Jessica
to
Mr. Lawrence Ross Malkin
son of
Mrs. Ronald Abrams Roth
and
Mr. Isaac Ross Malkin

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Both Parents Divorced
Q I do wedding invitations and I have an odd request from a client that I am not sure how to deal with. She is getting married and both her parents and her fiance's parents are divorced and remarried. All biological parents are hosting the wedding, they want to put all of the biological parents ONLY on the invitation. (i.e. Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Knox, not Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Joe Knox). Is it appropriate to do so and should there be 4 separate names on the invitation? Please Help!

A Not to worry, nowadays, this kind of situation arises all the time. You can go one of two ways. Traditionally, if it is a Christian wedding, only the birth parents of the bride are mentioned because they are giving their daughter away in marriage. The groom's parents are not listed because they can't give the bride away because they are not her blood parents. However, on the program your clients can list whomever they wish and even describe the relationship, if necessary. The second way is how people of the Jewish faith do it. It sounds as if your clients are going to do whatever they want to do. In situations such as this, all you can do is to tell them the difference in how the two faiths word wedding invitations and, if you have to let protocol go to the wind, at least it is their choice to list all four names separately:

Mrs. mother of the bride
Mr. father of the groom
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Amanda
to
Mr. groom
the son of
Mrs. mother of the groom
and
Mr. father of the groom
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Registry
Q How do I inform guests where I am registered for gifts? Is it appropriate to include with invitations?

A I am a huge fan of Not including gift registration information along with the wedding invitation. Marriage is a sacred ceremony and not a call for "booty." I encourage wedding couples to set up their own wedding Web site to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding plans, as well as bridal registries. If you are sending out a save the date card, then you would list your wedding Web site. I am a huge fan of word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will know where you are registered. Also, if you list where you are registered on such wedding Web sites as www.weddingchannel.com and www.theknot, friends and family can look up where you are registered themselves.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Registry
Q Is it ok to put down where you are registered on the wedding invitations??

A No, you would not "put down where you are registered" on an invitation. Nowadays, wedding couples set up their own wedding Web site to keep friends and family in the loop about the wedding. The Web site would have a click-on for bridal registry. Also, most wedding couples today register their registries on www.weddingchannel.com and on www.theknot.com. Don't solicit for gifts on your wedding invitation because it looks really tacky. If someone wants to send you a wedding present, they can find a gift that you have chosen and that they can afford through your registry and the gift will be sent to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Shower Hostess List
Q In sending the Bridal Shower invitations, the hostess in charge of the invitations listed me (the mother of the bride as a hostess) rather than her daughter, who is the maid of honor. The invitations have been sent and my friends have commented on this. What is the proper etiquette in correcting this error? I have been bothered by this. Your reply would be greatly appreciated.

A I am sorry but you are not going to like my answer. The horse is out of the gate on this one. The mistake has been made and there is no way to correct it. Any attempt to correct the error will only draw attention to the mistake.

If I were you (and I don't know your friends), at the Bridal Shower I would make a toast to the hostesses thanking them for organizing and hosting the shower. As most adults know, one doesn't toast oneself, so those in the know will know that you are not taking credit for hosting the Bridal Shower. Give credit where credit is due by mentioning each of the hostesses by name along with a special thanks to the maid of honor, and let it go.

I know this is gnawing at you, but in one sense you should feel flattered that the hostess in charge felt that your name on the invitation would be a huge draw for your friends to attend, especially if some of your friends don't know your daughter well.

One last point--and it is a huge one. The hostess in charge made an "honest mistake." Her intentions were good. She was not trying to undermine you. If it would make you feel better, you can let your closest friends and relatives in on the situation by saying, "Just between you and me, I don't think that I should have been listed on the invitation because I am not one of the hostesses, but I am so grateful for their generous efforts that I certainly can't say anything."

Through word of mouth, you can you let it be known by confiding that you feel a faux pas has been made. You can do so with humor by saying something such as this: "I'm slightly embarrassed that Jane listed me as hostess, because it was all her doing. I can't take credit for any of the shower." Leave it at that.

Since I don't know your style, this is a rather general response, but I do want you to do the right thing here by not making this situation worse than it really is.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Shower: Mother + Daughter
Q I have a question about addressing envelopes for invitations to a bridal shower. If an adult daughter lives in the same home as her mother and they have the same last name, how would I address the envelope? I thought it would be best to list both of their full names (below)?

Mrs. Sally Smith
Ms. Jenny Smith
Address Line 1
City, State Zip

Many thanks in advance for your help - great website! So glad I stumbled upon it. You should join twitter - I think you'd have a lot of followers!!

A Etiquette-wise if the adult daughter is eighteen years of age or older, out of respect she would receive her own invitation--even if she still lives at home. Also, if she is eighteen years of age or older, you would use the title of Ms., as I've seen you've done correctly.

Look at it logically, if you are expecting the mother and daughter to both bring shower presents, then you would send them each an invitation, and the bride would send them each a thank-you note.

Thanks, I'm on Twitter. I'm just so busy, it is hard to keep up.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Mother Is Remarried
Q My daughter, Amanda, is getting married in the fall. I myself remarried two months ago, and this situation has put us in a quandary: how to word her wedding invitation. Some time back we'd decided that we'd use my first name, then my own family last name, then her father's last name, which I have continued to use even through an intervening marriage; hence: Mary Smith Simpson and George Warren Simpson invite you...etc. When I married my current husband, I kept Simpson as my name, though I'm also recognized as Harris, his last name. Most of those invited are friends of my daughter, few of my current husband and me. My daughter is most comfortable with Simpson, though she says the wording is completely up to me. My husband leaves the decision entirely to me. Which of these choices do you advise me to use?

Mary Smith Simpson
Mary Smith Harris
Mary Simpson Harris



A Because this is your daughter's wedding, you need to use the name that best identifies you in your current marital status. Assuming that it is a fairly formal wedding---that it is not Hawaiian shirts and shorts---you need to pick a style and stick to it. That makes everything gracefully fall in line. If this is an evening black tie wedding with a seated dinner, then consider it formal, even if it is not white tie. If it is dark suits or blazers and ties, then it is semiformal. If it falls into either of these two categories and the ceremony is taking place in a church or other house of worship, then the invitation would read:

Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris
and
Mr. George Warren Simpson
request the honor of your presence
(or, "pleasure of your company")
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth (or Amanda Smith)
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and seven
at five o'clock in the evening
St. James Church
New York City

Everybody is going to know that you are Amanda's mother because you are doing the inviting. Please take into account that this wedding is all about Amanda and her fiancé. If Amanda is becoming Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens, then for her wedding you are Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris, because that is the style that she has inadvertently chosen. If Amanda's middle name is Smith, then let it appear as a family name used as a middle name after Amanda, as in Jane Smith, instead of Jane Elizabeth. (Since I don't know Jane's middle name, I randomly picked Elizabeth.) It will be assumed that because the father's name is Simpson that Amanda's last name is Simpson, too, which is why it would be redundant to have Amanda listed as Amanda Smith Simpson.

In my opinion, you do not need to use your first name or your ex-husband's name because his last name and Amanda's last name are already crystal-clear on the invitation. It would be silly to use Mrs. Mary Smith Simpson, Mrs. Mary Smith Harris, or Mrs. Mary Simpson Harris because it makes it sound as though you are divorced and you are not. You are married and this invitation is all about marriage.

If this is an informal wedding, then go ahead and use one of the three alternatives that you gave me because anything goes. As I said, it is much easier to pick a style and stick to it because you can fall back on that style throughout the decision making process. The details of a wedding can be overwhelming and you will be happy that you decided on one style and stuck to it.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Parents' Names Omitted
Q The groom's parents are paying for the wedding and by "mistake" they left the names of the bride's parents off the wedding invitation completely and they have already been mailed out. It has caused a potentially devastating situation with the wedding. Do you have any ideas on how to correct this?
Thank you.

A In my opinion, the best way to save face at this point is to have the bride's parents host the rehearsal dinner. That way they will be identified and acknowledged. The rehearsal dinner does not have to be extravagant and others can help with the cost; however, only the bride's parents' names should appear on the rehearsal dinner invitation. There is no rule carved in stone that says that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, so: just switch it around. Don't make a big deal out of it, just quietly send out the rehearsal dinner invitations to a select group that includes the bridal party and closest family and friends. The word will get out. At the wedding reception, the groom can toast the bride's family for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Alternatively, the bride's family could host the wedding day brunch, if the couple are being married in the afternoon or evening, or the post-wedding brunch the following day. This is not a devastating situation, it is totally repairable, if you don't make a big deal about the "mistake."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridesmaids
Q Are bridesmaids sent an official wedding invitation?

A It is always polite to send the bridesmaids an invitation because they have presumably gone to great expense to participate in your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Brunch Honoring Newlyweds
Q Hi, I am wondering what the proper thing is to do regarding having a bridal shower for my sister when she went to a different state to get married to her now husband and only his parents and brother were there. My mom and sisters wanted to have a champagne brunch for her with just us and four other family members to keep it small given the situation. My sister (the bride) wants the entire family invited from both sides and my mother feels this is inappropriate. Also, what is the proper wording to put on the bridal shower invitation to let people know that she is already married? Please advise, Thank You!

A If your sister is already married, you wouldn't be planning a "bridal shower." Showers occur before the event. As in April showers bring May flowers. Lots of people get married privately and then have a small celebration weeks later. The appropriate wording for a brunch being given by the bride's mother in honor of the newlyweds would go something like this (insert your own information and center the lines on a white card):

Mrs. Edward Lee Wilson [parent(s) of the bride]
request the pleasure of your company
at a Champagne Brunch in honor of
Mr. and Mrs. George Scott Brown (name of the newlyweds)
time
date
address of event

RSVP contact number

If the sisters are hosting the brunch as well, their names can be added under the parent's (s') name. Also, it doesn't have to be this formal. If you would like a less formal invitation, then drop all the titles Mr. and Mrs. and just have the mother's first, maiden, and married name: Anna Ford Wilson. Then the wedding couple would be listed as: Sarah Elizabeth and George Scott Brown. Since it is a small brunch you might prefer to drop all the titles because everyone knows who everyone else is already.

As to the guest list: that would depend upon who is paying for the brunch and how many guests that person is willing to invite. If your mother doesn't want to include the groom's family, that is up to her. They won't know about the brunch unless the newlyweds tell them. Since I don't know how far away the groom's family lives from your mother, it is difficult to say whether or not they would drive that far to attend the brunch. If it meant spending the night in a motel, they might not want to spring for the cost of gas and motel room. So, chances are, unless they live less than two hours away, they might regret even if your mother invites them. However, your mother will still get the credit for having been gracious enough to invite them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: By Hand
Q If I am addressing formal invitations and I will be hand-carrying some to the invited, is there a certain "verbage" that I place on the envelope to show that their particular invitation was hand-delivered?

A In the lower left hand corner of the outside envelope write, "By Hand."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Calligraphy
Q Is it proper to use address labels on the wedding invitations instead of hand writing the names on the envelopes?

A You are not going to like my answer, but you asked. It is really tacky to use labels on wedding invitation envelopes. Either find a calligrapher to address them for a dollar an envelope or buy a calligraphy pen for $25 and write them out yourself.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Children
Q When there are several children to be invited, how do we address the invitation envelope?

A First off, all children over the age of eighteen receive their own invitation. Children under the age of eighteen are listed on the inside envelope by their given name. So: the inside envelope might read (insert your own information and center the lines on the envelope):

Mr. and Mrs. Shakespeare
Amanda, Alice and George

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Children's Names on the Inside Envelope
Q I know proper etiquette says to write out the names of the children on the inner envelope of your wedding invitations. Some of the people my fiance invited have children but he does not know their names. Is it ok to write "and family" or "and children" if we do not know their children's names?

A You will need to find out the names of the children anyway because you will need to make a place card for each child. It is proper wedding etiquette to pick up the phone and ask the parent for the names of the children for a wedding invitation. You would list just their first names on the inside envelope. As you are using the formal inside envelope, I am assuming that you are following the formal tradition of having place cards.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Controlling the Numbers
Q "Due to a limited amount of space this is by invitation only" or would that be tacky? Is this ok to write on a wedding invitation?

A You don't want to write anything negative on an invitation. For instance, you wouldn't write "No guests of guests," "No children," or "No jeans." When you address the envelope for the wedding invitation, write the names of those who you are inviting clearly:

Mr. and Mrs. George Smith
Their address

Ms. Jane Smith Johnson
Her address

Mr. James Jay Brown
His address

Most people know that the cost of hosting a wedding with a reception where there are drinks and food is generally anywhere between $65 and $200 per guest. Some hosts actually go so far as to handwrite the first names of the people being invited in the upper left hand corner of the invitation itself: "For Alice & George."

By word of mouth--and I'm a huge believer in word of mouth--you spread the word and tell everyone either of two things: "The dinner is seated with place cards and only those who accepted on their reply card will be seated," or you tell people "Because of strict fire code laws, we are only inviting people who received an invitation."

Your key here is your reply card. Some reply cards actually have a line where the guests write the number of people they are responding for, for instance: "______ Number." That way if you've invited just Alice and George Smith and they return their reply card stating the number as 4, you call Alice and say, "I'm sorry but the restaurant can only accommodate 90 people and therefore we are not inviting friends of guests, nor are we inviting our guests to bring their children. We are just inviting you and George." Be clear, say, "We cannot have you bring a guest."

If a single person wants to invite a guest, you call them up and say, "I'm sorry but because of fire codes, we are not inviting friends of guests." Or, "You can't randomly show up with a guest because there won't be a place card for her or a seat for her at your table."

If all this sounds way too complicated, it isn't. From the start, make it clear to all the members of your wedding party and families that it is a "tiny" wedding, or a "very small wedding," and that you haven't invited friends of friends because the room (or hall) cannot accommodate more people than the fire code allows. In fact, the restaurant or banquet hall will be seriously fined, if the numbers are over code. Tell people the drill, get the word out.

The short answer is, yes, it is tacky to put "Due to a limited amount of space, this is by invitation only" on a wedding invitation. You can get away with it, but it is considered bad karma to put anything negative on an invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Cutting the Guest List
Q How do you thin the guest list without hurting feelings? We would love to have everyone, but this is a second wedding, we are on a budget, and the original guest list was about 300 people! Also, we would like to send something to people we didn't invite to the wedding, to include them in some way. Is this tacky or considerate?

A Go through your guest list and put a priority number in front of each name as to whether they are tier 1, tier 2, or tier 3. Send invitations to, say, all of tiers 1 and 2. When the regrets start coming in, you will have a better sense of whether you can send invitations to any of the names on tier 3, and they can be sent on an individual basis later. I am a huge fan of the Save the Date card because you can get a great sense even before the first invitations go out who will not be able to attend, say, due to a long standing prior commitment, and who would be able to attend. That way you can decide if you still want to send the person who cannot come an invitation to make them feel included, or not. As to sending people that you cannot invite "something," my feeling is that it is a bit of a slap in the face and slightly condescending. It might be better, say, to host a cocktail party a couple of weeks before the wedding for those friends of the parents who did not make the cut. This way you are telling your friends that you care about them, but due to space limitations, you cannot have all of, say, the parents of the bride's friends. The friends will be delighted because they get to go to the pre-party, but since they are not attending the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. As to cutting back the numbers even further, if the above doesn't work, remember that the bride and groom's list should consist of half of the total guest list; the bride's parents have a quarter and the groom's parents have a quarter of the guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Destination Wedding
Q Do I send invitations for a destination wedding?


A You probably will want to set up a wedding Web site with click-ons for the itinerary, transportation and accommodation information, bridal registry information, etc. For a destination wedding, you would telephone the guests to invite them in person and get an instant acceptance or regret. If a guest is a single person and might want to bring along a date, you would get the date's email address and the correct spelling of the name at that time. You will need to have a fairly accurate count of who is coming in order to negotiate a reasonable deal on hotel accommodations and for the guest to get the least expensive airline tickets. After making your guest list, which would include email addresses, you can decide if you really need to send out a formal invitation or if your wedding Web site will reach all those invited. If not, you can always print out the information and mail it to the guest who is not on a computer. Whatever you decide about the invitation, you will probably want to send a packet of information for the guests with perhaps a map of the area of the destination and a brochure of the hotel, even if there is a link to the resort on your wedding Web site. This is helpful so that they know how to pack and dress, and which sports are available at the resort. For instance, at some resorts you can only play tennis in "Whites Only." If there is horseback riding, you might want to bring a pair of jeans and short boots. A destination wedding is an intimate group and you will want to know exactly who is coming and who they are bringing, when exactly they are arriving and departing. So: a destination wedding is all about good communication between the wedding couple and each and every guest. For instance, if you find out that some of your guests are arriving on the same flight, you might send a van for them and give the names of the guests to the driver; the guests could share the expense instead of paying for separate taxis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorced Parents
Q Didi:
My daughter will be getting married July 7th 2007. The groom-to-be's parents are divorced and his father is remarried. How do we word the invitations? Does the stepmother's name have to be added? What is proper etiquette here? Also how do we involve her in the wedding plans? The groom's father has made remarks that she must be included somewhere in the wedding. How do we do this without offending the groom's mother?

A This is a common dilemma. First off, I would need to know more about your wedding: is it formal, semi-formal, or informal? And more about the reason(s) for the breakup of the groom's parents marriage? For instance, if the new wife broke up the marriage and the first wife is still bitter and angry, then you cannot force the new wife on her. You would have to keep the new wife way, way in the background. If you would like to do a little fact finding and get back to me, I would be happy to help you figure out the roles for each of them; however, I need to know more about the circumstances. Please return to my Web site to ask the question again with more details, and I will give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorced Parents
Q When the parents of the bride are divorced and both are paying for the wedding does the mother's name go first or the father's name. In our situation the father and his wife are jointly hosting/paying and the mother's husband is not contributing. So it is not awkward, the father is not including his wife's name but there is some question as to whose name goes first.

A Traditionally, in the Christian faith only the living birth parents' names are on the invitation with the wedding couple because only the birth parents can give their daughter away in marriage. I know this is difficult in your situation, so you might want to make a compromise because both of the bride's parents are remarried by using the first form, substituting your own information and centering the lines on the page. You will see how awkward the fifth line sounds, which is why, in my opinion I would drop the stepparents, but you might have to do what you have to do to keep the peace:

Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In answer to your second question, the mother's name would appear on the top line first, whether or not the stepfather is included. So, the other alternative is:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare (your new married name)
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mrs. Shakespeare and Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In my opinion, this last one sounds even more awkward, which is why I would recommend that you use:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

The bride's birth parents have to remember that this wedding is all about the bride and her groom and not about who is paying for what and/or the new spouses.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorcee and Her Fiance
Q How do we address a formal wedding invitation to a divorced woman who is engaged to another man? We want to invite both.

A When you say that you want to invite both, I am assuming that you want to invite both the divorced woman and her fiance. If you don't know the man's name, then you would call her to find out the correct spelling of his name, as well as his address. While you're on the phone with her, you would ask her if she went back to her maiden name after the divorce or whether to address the invitation to Ms. Jane Ross McDonald.

You can also e-mail her, but sometimes when you're addressing envelopes, information is gotten faster by cellphone. If they live together, then you would address the outside envelope to both of them at the same address:

Ms. Jane Ross McDonald
Mr. James William Sherman
Address

If you are using an inside envelope, on it you would write:

Ms. McDonald and Mr. Sherman

By the way, since this is a formal wedding invitation, wherever possible you would spell out the middle name on the outside envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dress Code: Festive Dress
Q I am getting married outdoors; the ceremony is at six o' clock with the outdoor reception immediately following. My fiance and I are wondering how we can word in our invitations that we would like our guests to dress casual without using the word casual. We would like casual attire but not sloppy casual. Thank you for your time.

A If you want the men to wear jackets, then you print just the word Jackets in the lower right hand corner of the invitation where people look for the dress code. Just putting the word "Jackets" means no ties. If the women know that the men will be wearing jackets, they dress nicer. Traditionally, if you don't want male guests to wear tuxedos, you just wouldn't put any dress code.

Personally, I like the dress code "Festive Attire" or "Festive Dress." Festive means dress for the wedding festivities, but don't be stuffy. People will ask you what you mean by festive and you say, "Wear something fun, but nice"--in other words no jeans, cargo pants, shorts, wife-beaters (undershirts), or flip-flops.

I'm a great believer in the word of mouth. If you do not include a dress code--and you don't have to--people will dress nicely for a wedding if you have a nice invitation. Guests get clues from the invitation. Through word of mouth tell your wedding party and guests to dress nicely, but add that they don't have to wear ties. That is if you don't want them to, otherwise use the dress code "Jackets and Ties."

I agree with you about the word "casual." Festive can be causal, but it is also fun and you want your guests to take care in what they wear to your fun wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Enclosing Registry Cards
Q Is it proper etiquette to enclose a card stating where a bride and groom are registered in a wedding invitation?

A I don't think so. That sort of information is easily spread through word of mouth or, say, on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, where the guest has the option of clicking on "itinerary," "accommodations," "travel directions," "bridal registry." I have gotten lots of complaints about those nasty cards falling out of the wedding invitation envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Excell Spread Sheet Listing
Q Husband and wife are both doctors and wife kept her maidan name. I have names in excell and am doing a mail merger.
How do I address them?

A Put both names under the person who is your friend or put them alphabetically, but list them both under one name so that you'll only have to look for the name that they are listed under:

Anderson, Dr. Alice & Dr. Robert Barker

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Groom's Family Friends
Q The wedding invitations which the bride's parents had printed only include the names of the bride, groom and bride's parents. As parents of the groom, we are concerned that some of our elderly and out-of-town relatives who do not often see our children and have never met the bride may not recognize their names and will be confused or unsure of whose wedding they have been invited to....however if they were to see our names somewhere, they would immediately know who the groom is. We, ourselves, have been in the uncomfortable situation of receiving an invitation and not realizing until it was too late that the groom was the son of a relative we only see at family reunions, weddings, or funerals. We are addressing and mailing the invitations to our side of the family, so we were wondering if it would be appropriate to include a personal note letting guests know that the groom is our son..and if so how it should be worded? Or is there some other way to handle this situation? Thank you!

A One of the many excellent reasons why the groom's family traditionally hosts the rehearsal dinner is that it gives the groom's parents a chance for name recognition. However, your situation sounds a bit more complicated because you have included on your guest list to the wedding people who you are not close to any longer. You might want to send each of these people you are worried about a short handwritten note on your stationery telling them about the upcoming marriage of your son and giving little details about the bride and groom, their jobs, where they are planning to live after they marry. Then when they receive your son's wedding invitation they will know who is. Older people especially love receiving old-fashioned letters from friends catching them up on their lives. Alternatively, you might telephone them or write some and telephone others. Weddings are a great opportunity to reconnect with old acquaintances and relatives you haven't seen in a while.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Bringing Guest
Q Is it proper to ask a date to attend a wedding or party with me if my invitation did not include 'and guest'?





A A guest does not invite a guest to a wedding unless the envelope specifically states "and Guest." In that case, you would write in the name of the guest so that guest has her or his own place card. If you are the only one invited, you would not just randomly bring a guest because if the wedding or party is a seated dinner, your "guest" would not have a seat and that would be embarrassing for you, the guest, and the host.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Bringing Guest
Q I was invited to a black tie wedding and the invitation was addressed to me only. However, the RSVP card asks the name(s) of those attending and how many will be attending. Can I bring a date?

A No, you cannot just bring a date if the envelope was addressed to one person. Only if the envelope included the words "and Guest" after your name, would you fill in the name of the guest. If you weren't invited to bring a guest and you would like to bring a guest, then telephone the bride or groom and ask if you can bring a guest. The bride or groom might have to confer with the bride's mother to see how the numbers are going before giving you the go-ahead. If there is dancing, the hosts will be concerned that there are enough men for the women to dance with and, therefore will want to keep the numbers of single men and women fairly even. Also, as you probably know, at most seated dinners there is boy, girl, boy, girl seating. If it is a go, you would write out the full name of your guest on the reply card because a black tie wedding is often seated dinner with place cards and you would want to be sure that your guest had a place card, too. Your guest would be responsible for sending a wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry, if you do not offer to do it for him or her. Your guest would also write a thank-you to the bride's parents for including her or him at their daughter's wedding. The reason that there is the optional letter "s" in the word "names" is because just as often as not the invitation is addressed to a married couple. Also, sometimes when a couple is invited only one is able to attend. So, it is more efficient to have one reply card that includes the optional plural, than have two reply cards printed up. Chances are if you have been invited to come solo, it means that there will be enough of the opposite sex to even out the sexes. Remember that it costs the bride's family well over a hundred dollars per person for each guest, so you would want to be sure to give a wedding gift of equal cost, which means inviting a guest would double the cost of your wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Inviting Guests
Q If a guest is not dating someone, should they be invited with a guest?

A No, if you have enough members of the opposite sex, you do not have to invite the guest to invite a guest. On the other hand, you want the single people to have someone with whom to dance. So: count up your single men and single women to see if you can send the invitation without encouraging the guest to invite someone that the wedding couple might never see again.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Inviting Young Adults
Q Hi! I have a question that involves being invited to a wedding and how to determine if I bring my son or not (he's 17 years old). The situation is this. The mother and father of the young lady getting married have been divorced for over 20 years. The young lady getting married is the goddaughter to my husband and his ex-wife who have 2 daughters age 28 and 30. When the invitations went out, my 2 stepdaughters and the ex-wife all received their own and my husband and I received our own. My husband and the father of the young lady/goddaughter getting married got to know each other through the ex-wives and have been very close friends ever since. I called the father of the young lady getting married to see if it was ok for my 17-year-old son to come as his name was not on my invitation and he did not receive his own. He said of course and apologized for the oversight, but assumed my son was coming. About an hour later, his wife called and said that the mother of the young lady getting married said no my son is not invited. I feel a little uncomfortable that one of my children is not included and am wondering what you think about this. I feel obligated to go out of respect for my husband being the young lady's godfather, but I must admit that I'd rather send a gift and respectfully decline. What are your thoughts?

A Please, don' take this personally. The reason your seventeen-year-old is not invited is because he is under age and many hosts don't invite underage kids to adult parties where alcohol will be served. Be mature about this and don't go off in a snit because this is not about you or your son, it is about not wanting to be responsible fore underage drinkers. At some parties you'll even see signs on the bars stating that kids under 21 years old will not be served. I repeat: this is not about you or your son, it is a serious liability issue. So, drop it. Don't make an issue of it. Go to the wedding and have a good time.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest of a Guest
Q Hi Didi,

I have another question for you regarding the rehearsal dinner invitations for our son's wedding. My nephew and his fiancee were living together and the bride's family sent the wedding invitation addressed to both of them by name to the said address. Since then, I heard through another relative that my nephew and his fiancee have called off their engagement. How should I address my nephew's invitation? Just to him only or should I put his name plus guest? Thank you.

A Pick up the phone and ask your nephew if he would like to invite a guest to your son's wedding. If he says he needs time to think about it, tell him that you need to know her name, if he would like to bring a guest, and to please call you with her name and address and you'll send her an invitation.

You need to know the names of everyone who is attending whether you are writing up place cards or not. Plus, every invitee eighteen years and older receives his/own invitation, unless they are married or living together; then there is one invitation addressed to both going to the same address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest of Guest
Q I am having a wedding this April and I have a question about invitations. If I am only using an outer envelope, what is the proper way to say..and guest? I have been invited to weddings where I have been allowed to bring a guest, but this has been stated on the outer not the inner envelope. The type of invite I am sending is only going to allow me to have an outer.
thank you
wendy

A You know what? It gets complicated when you don't know the name of the guest of the guest. A good bride knows exactly who is coming to her wedding. So, you need to email or call your friend and say, "If you would like to bring a date to my wedding, would you please give me her/his name and address, so that we can make her feel personally invited?" Then he/she will get back to you. When speaking with that guest, say that you need the name for her/his place card. Not a big deal. You're just a good bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Bringing Guests
Q How do you know if you can bring a date to a wedding?... what if you are a girl and are invited to a wedding, can you still bring a date?


A Your Save-the-Date might say "and Guest" after your name. If so immediately contact the wedding couple to give them the full name of your date. Then when the invitation arrives, his name will be on the envelope as well. If he has a different address and you want him to receive his own invitation, then you would also give the wedding couple his address. If there was no "and guest" on the wedding invitation, you have not been invited to bring a "Guest." Chances are they are inviting you as a single woman. If you would like to bring a date, then you would ask the wedding couple, if you can. Wedding facilities have strict fire codes limiting the amount of guests and you might not be able to bring a date. But take heart, if you are being invited as a single woman, there will be single men there with whom you can dance.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Inviting Friends
Q My son is getting married and my daughter is matron of honor. She and her husband live in Italy. Their invitation is addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Her husband is not able to attend because of his job and the distance involved. Is it proper for my daughter to ask her husband's sister to attend in his place? She knows they would not be seated together. My son says this is not correct, as he knew in advance that her husband was not attending and is limited at this time. I feel being it is his sister, he should be more accomodating. I'm feeling heartbroken about this situation and would appreciate your views on proper etiquette.

A If this is a seated dinner and there is dancing, then good hosts try to invite an even number of men and women. Even if your son knew in advance that his brother-in-law would be unable to attend, it is proper etiquette to invite the married couple. However, that doesn't mean that your daughter has carte blanche to invite a date. Especially if the date isn't someone she would be dancing with. If your daughter would like to have an escort, then she should ask her brother if she could invite one of her childhood male buddies, who is a platonic friend.

It would be awkward for your daughter to show up with her husband's sister, if she hadn't received her own invitation from the wedding couple. If they had wanted her to be with them at this special event in their lives, they would have sent her an invitation.

Please, don't feel brokenhearted about this situation. This is not your daughter's wedding, this is a very special time in the life of your son and your new daughter-in-law. This wedding is all about them, it is not about your daughter and her husband's sister.

On a more practical note, you must remember that these are austere times and hosting a wedding during this economic downturn is hugely expensive. The cost for hosting each guest at a seated dinner reception can cost from $100 upward. As I said, if the bride's parents had wanted to host your daughter's husband's sister, they would have sent her an invitation.

I understand that you feel that this is a family occasion, but in these austere times, far reaching extended family such as this are not generally included at a wedding. Please, cut the wedding couple and the bride's parents some slack and back off about wishing that your daughter could invite a female guest. Suggest to your daughter that she make special time to spend with her husband's sister either before or after the wedding.

If you make a big deal out of this, it will only create an unpleasant memory that you do not want to be responsible for having fostered. Let it go. I do understand your frustration, but you need to let this go for the sake of your son.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Inviting Guests
Q My niece wants to invite friends to her wedding and on some invitations the option of bringing a guest is allowed and others not allowed. In one situation the couple is married and she only wants the husband to attend. I do not agree. How should we handle this.

A Remember it is your niece and her fiance's wedding, so they can invite whomever they please. However, in my opinion, it would be rude and mean to invite only one spouse. If she doesn't want the wife, then she has to decide whether or not to invite the couple. Suggest to her that she should put herself in the wife's shoes. How would she feel if her husband was invited to a wedding but she wasn't? As to inviting single people just by themselves or to invite them to invite a guest: this is best done on an individual basis. If there is dancing at the wedding, she needs to keep track of how many men with whom the women can dance. Also, if it is a seated dinner, she would want to seat the tables girl-boy-girl-boy because it is a heterosexual wedding. Therefore, it is best if she invites extra singles as singles so that everyone gets to get out on the dance floor. If, say, a friend is in a committed relationship and is living with a partner, then she should include "and guest," or better yet she should find out the full name of the partner and include it on the envelope of the invitation. Nowadays, partners are treated as spouses and are always included in the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Who Won't Attend
Q Do we send wedding invitations to guests whom we know will not be able to attend?

A Yes, especially if you received a wedding invitation or their wedding in the past. Even if you know that people cannot come, they often like the contact. However, as you know, just because they receive the invitation, it does not mean that they have to send a wedding present. You only send a wedding present if you attend the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Honour + Favour
Q How do you know which way to spell honor on wedding invitations?

A Generally speaking, when you use the word "honor" in connection with a wedding, you use the English spelling, "honour." The English spelling is also used for the word "favour," as on the reply card: The favour of a reply is requested by June first. If you do not want to use "honour," the alternative is: Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So request the pleasure of your company at the marriage.... So: if you use the English spelling with favour, you would be consistent and use "honour" on the invitation. Favour and honour might seem pretentious, but once it is printed on the invitation, the words give a certain elegance that honor and favor don't.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: If Parents Are Remarried
Q When bride's parents have remarried and are both contributing toward the wedding, how should the announcement read on invitations? Just our names or both our names and our spouses? thanks

A Traditionally, if both of the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the names of the new spouses would not appear on the invitation and the mother's name would come first.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Including Children
Q We are a senior couple. We have purchased wedding invitations that have only one envelope. My question is....how do I address the envelopes to include children under eighteen?



A Address the envelope to the parents. On the actual wedding invitation, in the upper right hand corner of the invitation write the names of the people to whom you are inviting:

Fred and Alice,
John, Olivia,
and Danny

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Ink Color
Q How important is it for the inner envelope to have the same color ink as the invitation and the outer envelope?

A In terms of uniformity, you would have all the ink, say, black, especially if it is a formal wedding. However, if the wedding is either semi-formal or informal, you might have gray, green, blue or brown ink; whichever you decide, be sure the envelopes and the invitation have the same color ink.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inner Envelope Sealing
Q Do you seal the inner envelope for a wedding invitation?


A Traditionally, the inside envelope is ungummed and, therefore, cannot be sealed. So, if your envelopes are gummed, do not seal them. It is not necessary to seal them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inside Envelope with Given Names
Q On the inside envelope of a formal wedding invitation to very close freinds I would rather use the married couple's first name instead of Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Which name goes first, the man's or woman's? Is it okay to use their first names? They will think it odd if I write Mr. and Mrs. Brown.

A If the wedding is formal enough to use inside envelopes, then you would use Mr. and Mrs. Brown. It is fun and the recipient knows that it is a formal invitation. It is never okay to use just first names on the inside invitation. Keep to your style and stick to it, otherwise guests get confused when you send them mixed messages.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation From Hell
Q I received an invitation to a party (BYOB) that stated the bride and groom had paid for their plane tickets and hotel in Mexico, but "fun" cost more. Then advised guests to bring money ($5, $10, $20 or more) for the couple to help pay for their honeymoon! Should I have NOT been offended? Is there ANY situation where this type of behavior is acceptable? I personally cannot think of even ONE.

A This sounds like one "fun" party you might want to regret. If you do not attend the party, you are not required to send a gift. However, if you wish to sustain the relationship, you might send a wedding card.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation and Save the Date Timing
Q How far ahead of the wedding do the invitations go out? If you use a "Save this Date Card" and if you do not use the card?

A The STD goes out a year to four months before the wedding date. The invitation, whether there is a STD or not, would go out at least six weeks before the wedding date. Many are going out eight weeks prior for, say, a June wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation Schedule
Q How soon should wedding invitations be sent out?

A Eight to six weeks prior to the wedding date, depending upon the time of year. For instance the months of May, June, September and December are popular wedding months, so you would want to mail your invitations eight weeks ahead of time, allowing five days for the mail service.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invite Only Those Who Are Also Invited to the Reception
Q My daughter is getting married next year. We are on a very tight budget and can not afford to have everyone she wants to invite to come to both the wedding and reception. Is it okay to invite people to the wedding and only invite a select amount to the reception? We are unable to afford to have all of them at the reception. Or is it better only to invite the people to the wedding that we can have at the reception?

A It is better only to invite the people to the wedding that you invite to the reception. Those who are only invited to the church will feel slighted, if they are not invited to the reception; they'll think you're just trying to fill the pews in the church by inviting them.

There are lots of ways to save on a wedding, if you're smart about it. For instance most people think a buffet is cheaper, when in fact it really isn't. Also, the earlier in the day the wedding begins, the less you'll spend on food, drinks, staff, flowers and music. You can have a luncheon, picnic, or a "cocktail buffet." Other ways to save include: having your invitations printed by an Internet printing company; forgoing party favors (most people leave them behind anyway); keeping the flowers to a minimum (you can rent plants); negotiate for a band or DJ, a photographer, and the wedding cake baker. These days wedding vendors are looking for business so they are amenable to cutting the price when you bargain. As to the wedding dress, the Internet is loaded with bargains: David's Bridal and J. Crew have a range in prices and sizes for every bride, bridesmaid, and mother of the bride or groom.

Lastly, be creative. You have lots of time to research and network with friends and family. Have conversations with people who know people who know or are related to florists, caterers, car services, the garment business, etc. You have the luxury of having time on your side. Take a deep breath and then communicate with everyone you know who might be able to help you with goods and services, otherwise called vendors.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Some to Ceremony and All to the Reception
Q My fiance and I are planning a small private wedding with a larger reception afterwards. How do you word the invitations to the guests that are only being invited to the reception? (the reception is being paid for by the bride's parents and the bride and groom).

A You would have two sets on invitations: one to the wedding that states "and at the reception immediately following" and another just for the reception.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the presence of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
on Saturday, the first of May
at five o'clock
Trinity Church
and at the reception immediately following
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Then the second invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
and
Mr. William Shakespeare
after the ceremony
on Saturday, the first of May
at seven o'clock
at the Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting the Former Husband's Widow
Q Hello again.
My second daughter is getting engaged soon (we think). Her Dad and I divorced years ago, he remarried and died a few years after he remarried. She, call her Ramey, came to the first daughter's wedding and told everyone how nice it was that the groom had called her to ask for my daughter's hand!(Of course he called me but I didn't say anything while she went on and on.) Does the new groom need to call her again or can't we just move on? She's remarrying right after the second daughter's and her groom's birthdays. They were planning a big birthday party and she doesn't even know it is their birthday yet she's planning her wedding that same weekend.
She's rude and we don't like her.
Thoughts? I don't think I can bear another two evenings with her again. Fussy Mother of the bride. : - )

A My dear, there is no need--whatsoever--for you to continue this charade with your former husband's second wife. You've tolerated her--and been polite to her--for far too long. The nice thing about being slightly older is that you can "forget" to invite her. Unless your second daughter has bonded with her father's second wife, there is no reason in the world that she, or you, should have to invite her to one more family event. Since she's moved on, you should all move on, too. It's no fun being hypocritical.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: List
Q My son is getting married...he is under the assumption the same amount of people should be at the reception for each family. I think that's impossible. What is proper ...in other words, should both families be allowed 60 invitations? If one family is bigger than the other, how does that work? Should the groom's family pick up the tab for the additional people on their side? He thinks the bride's family will feel bad if the groom has more people. HELP??????

A The goal of a wedding invitation list is to have the bride and groom equally represented. Nowadays, that is not always possible because one family may be from a different town, city or state, or may have not lived in the town as long as the other family, and therefore they may not be as connected socially. Both families might start with their own lists that include close relatives and friends and then as budget allows add on relatives and friends, who are not as close; factoring in the guess as to who might or might not come from afar. If the bride's family cannot afford to host all those on the list and the groom's family can afford to pitch in, the families will divvy up the expenses with one parent acting as treasurer for paying the bills.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: List
Q We are paying a hefty price for our daughter's upcoming wedding. She believes that I should not invite individuals to her wedding that she does not necessarily know (for example, our professional contacts that know her but not well or those that we have not been in close contact with lately). However, she and her intended are inviting multiple individuals that we have never met. Is there a certain protocol or guidelines of who is to be invited? Please help! Thanks

A To settle this common dilemma, most families will come up with a formula to divide the guest list into, say, five sections: bridal party, bride's closest friends not in the bridal party, groom's closest friends not in the bridal party, the bride's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party, and the groom's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party. So: if the bridal party consists of, say, twenty people including the bride and groom, the other four lists would be divvied up; perhaps into groups of forty of fifty, which would include the spouses or partners of these people. Traditionally, the importance of both families are represented equally with the relatives allotted to the parents' lists. In cases where the groom's family is coming from out-of-town, say, and you assume only a small percentage of those invitations will be acceptances, you might be able to send out a small second batch of invitations to locals to fill out the ranks because everyone likes to see a full church at a wedding. As I do not know the circumstances, it is difficult to give you a proper answer. However, I do know that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and it should not be considered a pay-back for the wedding couple's parents' friends. Often the parents might give a cocktail party prior to the wedding just for their friends, thus acknowledging the friendship in order to sustain the relationship when they are not invited to the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing "and Guest"
Q When addressing the outer envelope for a wedding do you add "and guest" to the invitee's name or is it added to the inner envelope only?

Thank you for your assistance. You helped us on a prior occasion and being we are printers we come across many of these questions.


A Please, never use "and guest," unless you're desperate for guests. It is tacky. Pick up the phone or email the invitee and say, "Would you like to bring a guest to our wedding (or our daughter's wedding)?" Get the full name and address of the invitee's guest and send the guest of the guest his or her own invitation if they don't live together. If they live together, then on the outside envelope write the invitee's name on the top line and the guest's name underneath. On the inside envelope write Mr. Shakespeare and Ms. Dickinson. That's the way it should be done for a nice wedding. Therefore, there would be no need for you to write "and guest" on the inside envelope either.

Believe me, you will want the name and the address of every invitee's guest for several reasons: place card, table card, seating list, and for the thank-you note to the guest. Set up an excel spread sheet listing all of the invitees and list the invitees' guests under the invitees information. This way you will have a master list not only for the wedding but for all events leading up to the wedding as well as a row to check-off when the thank-you note to the guest has been mailed. You will save yourself so many headaches if you take charge of the guest list from the get-go. You will want to know every invitee's guest's name. You don't want any unpleasant surprises, such as the invitee showing up with two guests instead of one and there is no seat at the table for the uninvited guest.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing Parents' Names
Q My fiancee's parents are expecting our invitations to be formal, which for the most part is fine, except they are a non-divorced couple, and my parents are divorced. Her parents expect their own names to appear as:

"Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Name"

My father's name can simply appear as "Mr. Michael Blank," however my mother is remarried to Howard Smith, therefore it is generally suggested that she be listed with my stepfather as: "Mr. and Mrs. Howard Smith." Now Howard Smith is an important 3rd parent to me, but I would like very much to honor my mother a bit more by actually printing her name. So is it possible to write something like:

"...son of
Mr. Michael Blank
and
Mrs. Susan and Mr. Howard Smith"

I'm catching some flak because I'm not utilizing "proper" etiquette. I agree that 99% of the time, "Mr. and Mrs. Howard Smith" works just fine. However, on the most important day of my life, I would like to show some extra appreciation for the woman who is not only married to Howard Smith, but in fact raised me for 8 years with no husband and is mostly responsible for me being what I am today. I feel hiding a woman's first name as part of her husband's when they are in an ongoing union (and therefore a family institution) is ok, though even I would be willing to allow it to be "unhidden." However, I am taking into account the vastly different circumstances that are created with divorced households, and the very personal and often indescribable feelings that go along with them.

One of the main problems with doing this is that it would create a scenario where her parents' and my parents' names are written in different formats. Is that ok? So, how would I keep as close to proper etiquette as possible while still allowing for my mother's first name to appear as part of the invitation - and more importantly, how do I do it without disrupting the traditional trend? Rough example follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Name"
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
FIANCEE
to
GROOM BLANK
son of
Mr. Michael Blank
and
"Mrs. Susan and Mr. Howard Smith"
etc...

or something...HELP!


A In answer to the first part of your interesting question of "how would I keep as close to proper etiquette as possible?" The answer is pure and simple: follow tradition. Traditionally--and for perhaps just this reason--in the Christian faith especially, only the bride's parents names are on the wedding invitation because they are giving the bride away in marriage to Mr. So-and-So.

The appropriate place for the groom's parents' names to be listed is in the program for the ceremony that is handed out by the ushers/groomsmen at the start of the wedding ceremony. That is where both parents names are listed along with any stepparents, partners, or other significant people, which might also include those close relatives that are deceased.

There is no problem here. If you have chosen the style of a formal wedding over a semi-formal or informal wedding, then you stick to the protocol of the formal invitation in which only the bride's parents are listen on the invitation. Think about it. The bride's parents are giving their daughter away in marriage to you. Your parents and stepfather are not giving the bride away, and they aren't marrying your fiancee either. This is all about the bride, who in most cases is giving up her last name for yours as she becomes part of your family, with the approval of her parents. It is not the place to honor your parents. It wouldn't make sense to put your parents' names on the wedding invitation.

Customarily, the groom's family are introduced and take center stage at the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. That is the purpose of the rehearsal dinner. That's when all the groom's family members who are hosting the rehearsal dinner are listed on the invitation; the bride's parents are not listed on the rehearsal dinner invitation. So the next day at the wedding, most of the bridal party will have already been introduced to the groom's lovely mother and supportive stepfather, as well as to his birth father.

There are real reasons to follow the rules of tradition, and your excellent question is one of them. If this is a formal wedding as you say, the invitation would read as such:

Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Wilson Blank (spell out all middle names)
request the honour of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. Michael Jones Blank, Jr.

Then on the wedding ceremony program the family would be listed accordingly:

Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Wilson Blank, parents of the bride
Mrs. Susan Wilson Smith, mother of the groom
Mr. Howard Ross Smith, stepfather of the groom
Mr. Michael Jones Blank, father of the groom

In this situation your bride's parents are correct and, in my humble opinion, you need to follow their lead here and find creative ways to introduce and acknowledge your mother and stepfather. For instance, at the rehearsal dinner and/or at the wedding reception you can give a toast to your mother with a mention of your stepfather. I am sure that everyone will be moved by your words and understand that you appreciate all that your mother has done for you. Posing a toast to your mother is the highest form of acknowledgment and highly appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing Remarried Parents
Q My stepdaughter is getting married soon. Both of her parents are remarried. The mother lives in the USA with me and the father in Europe.

In a Christian marriage, typically the biologoical parent gives away their own daughter. As this will not be possible (father cannot travel from Europe), should I ask his permission to stand in his stead and perform this for him?

Also, in both engagement and wedding announcements how would I word it? Would I include myself as part of the "parents section" as the stepfather, or only my daughter's biological father, or both of us and if so, how would I word it?

Though her real father is a fine gentleman, making the trip or helping financially is not an option for him. Still, I would like to him to enjoy his involvement to the extent he can and to be sure he is given proper consideration. Our blended families are on very good terms. Do you have any suggestions?

Thank You........Bob

A It would be better if the bride asked her biological father for his permission for you to give his daughter away in marriage. For a traditional Christian marriage, the birth parents are listed on the invitation. In a not so traditional marriage, the invitation can list the birth parents and step-parents. But you have to remember that the traditional wording seems awkward when you use "their daughter." So, if you don't mind not taking that phrase literally, you can use it. Nowadays, the lines of etiquette are fairly flexible about that kind of thing. The important thing to remember is that the wedding couple should be comfortable with the arrangements.

The announcement would be from the birth parents, listing the stepparents towards the end of the newspaper announcement. Look at announcements in your local newspaper and follow the style of that paper. As for the invitation, you would lead with the name of the birth mother and stepfather, followed by the name of the birth father and stepmother:

Mr. and Mrs. William Samuel Thornton
and
Mr. and Mrs. John Lawrence Smith
request
the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Louise
to
Mr. Charles Sherman Dickens
Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and ten
at six o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

It goes without saying, that you would insert your own information and these lines would be centered on the front of the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mailing Date of Invitation and Reply Card
Q How far in advance do I send out wedding invitations and how soon before the wedding do we ask for the favor of their reply?

A Take into consideration the date of the wedding. If the wedding is over a June, July, August, September or December weekend, you would send the invitations out two months prior to the date. Figure that it takes five days for the invitation to reach the guest. You might already have an idea of who will be able to attend by responses you've received, if Save the Date cards have been sent out. Even though there is no RSVP on a Save the Date card, guests will usually let you know by telephone, email, or in conversation whether they will be able to attend or not. If you are in communication with most of the guests and you've sent out a Save the Date card, you can send the invitation out six weeks prior to the date, asking guests to send back their reply cards or RSVP a month to ten days prior to the date, again, depending upon the situation. For instance, if there are other invitations that have to go out, say, for the rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon, post-wedding brunch, then you would need to send the wedding invitations out two months prior to the wedding and make the reply return card date a month prior to the wedding. That is a conservative, safe way to schedule; however, often, when guests are forced to reply too early, there inevitably will be changes in plans and people who will forget until the last minute to send in their replies. An incentive is to reserve a block of rooms at a hotel or motel at a discount, information for which would have been on the Save the Date Card. Let the guests know that they will be entitled to a 15% discount (depending upon the hotel) if they reserve their room before a certain date. Then you can telephone the hotel from time to time to find out who has secured a room with their credit card. You ask how far in advance? To be safe, send the invitation two months from the wedding and make the return date a month before. Can you make the times shorter? Of course, because every wedding has its own flow. Be sure to check with the caterer or facility that is producing the venue to find out when they need a final head count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Male First or Female
Q Who speaks first when a person walks in the room? Is it the person walking in or the people already in the room?

#2 When printing out wedding invites does the male name go on first or the female?

A The person walking into the room announces his arrival by greeting those already in the room.

When addressing wedding invitations to guests, you would address the envelope to Mr. and Mrs. James Adams Smith. You would include the middle name and spell out the middle name. For instance you would spell out Adams instead of using "A." whenever possible.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations, is it appropriate to use Miss or Ms. for unmarried guests?

A If you are not sure how the woman wishes to be addressed and she is eighteen years of age or younger, she would be Miss. Older than eighteen, she would be Ms.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Missing Reply Card
Q Some friends from out of state are throwing an engagement party in the city I live in for their son and his fiancee, who grew up here. They're having the party at a private club to which I belong. I agreed to act as their "sponsor" so they can have the party there, which I'm happy to do.

I just received the wedding invitation. It included an envelope for my response, but no response card. Perhaps I lost it, but I don't think so. Perhaps they forgot it, or perhaps they just sent it to me because they thought I'd be interested to see it. How do I politely ask about it without assuming I'm invited to the wedding? FYI, the bride's family is from India and the invitation is very different from traditional Western-style invitations.



A Handwrite your response on your stationery and send it in the envelope that was enclosed with the invitation. You would write: Mr. Elliot Stultz and Mr. Marc Nied accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So's kind invitation for June 30th. Assembling wedding invitations is a process and it is possible that your reply card just didn't get into the outside mailing envelope. There is no reason to say anything to the friend because it was a mistake and calling attention to the missing card isn't necessary. On the other hand, since you are the sponsor and therefore want the friend to look good, you might pick up the phone and say, "I think that you should know that there was an oversight...." Who knows, the friend might say that in India, traditionally, the host only sends a reply envelope. By the way, you were obviously invited or you wouldn't have been sent the invitation or the reply envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother and Stepfather Inviting
Q How should the invitation read for a mother and stepfather inviting people to the daughter/stepdaughter's wedding?

A The invitation would read somewhat like the following, you would, of course, substitute your own information and the lines would be centered properly on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. Norman Edward Walker
request the honour of your presence at
the marriage of Mrs. Walker's daughter
Amanda Caroline Hamilton
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother Deceased, Father Remarried
Q On wedding invitations that are done by the bride whose mother is deceased and father has remarried, does the new wife's name get mentioned?

A This is an issue that might or might not be very painful for the bride, but it is a decision that she has to make; nobody can make it for her. You would show the bride two different wordings for the invitation and then ask her what she thinks of the type style, the color of the paper and ink, and the wording. Help her to think about what the invitation will look like and feel like to her. Show her the one with just the father's name that says "requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of his daughter Charlotte Caroline," and then show her this one (you would, of course, substitute your own information and center the lines on the page.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Caroline
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride Using Her Title
Q Our daughter is getting married next Spring and since I am a woman clergy person, how do we address the wedding invitations? My husband is uncomfortable with The Reverend and Mr., but other clergy will be invited. Do I become Mrs. for the invitations? If we used the Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe request the honour of your presence, wouldn't it seem that we are divorced? Please help.

A If your husband was a doctor, wouldn't he use the title of "Dr." on the invitation? I think so. Socially, you and your husband are The Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe. Nowadays, it will not be perceived that you are divorced, if you are listed as The Reverend Jane Doe. Do remember that the "The" with a capital T is important. By the way, if you have a doctorate, your married name is actually The Reverend Dr. Jane Doe.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Newspaper Announcement: Listing Remarried Grandmother
Q How do you address a twice widowed grandmother's name in a wedding announcement for her granddaughter? Our local newspaper includes the grandparents' names and we are not sure of the correct wording.

A The name that the grandmother is currently using would be listed followed by her late husband's like this: "and the late Harold George Wilson." Whether the grandmother uses the bride's grandfather's name as her middle name or not is up to her, otherwise she would use her maiden name or her last husband's middle name. The stepgrandfather's name would not appear in the announcement unless he was a huge part of her life. For instance, if the bride was raised by him, if he had paid for her college education, or through the grandmother paying for the wedding. It is common to see the names of stepparents, but not stepgrandparents in wedding announcements. The reader who sees the grandmother's current married name will deduce that she had remarried when both grandparents are listed in the same sentence.

The sentence in the newspaper announcement might be the following (inserting your own names). It is possible that your paper will use only the first initial of the middle name, but for a formal information you would spell out the middle names whenever possible.

The bride is (also) the granddaughter of Claudia Pratt Sherman and the late Harold George Wilson.

Remember that the program for the wedding reception is the appropriate place to list grandparents and stepgrandparents alive and deceased. At the end of the program there is usually a line honoring the deceased followed by the names of the deceased:

Today and everyday, we remember

Harold George Wilson, grandfather
John Pratt Sherman, step-grandfather
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: No Children
Q I do not want children besides those in the wedding to attend the reception. How do I word that on my reception cards in a nice way? I don't want to hurt any feelings, but we can't feed EVERYONE in the family! Can you help me?

A On the invitation envelopes, the names of those invited to the wedding are written clearly. If you make it crystal-clear on the outside envelope that Mrs. and Mrs. Charles Dickens are invited, and again on the inside envelope, if you use one, by writing Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, then you can reiterate that on the wedding invitation itself by writing in just the first names of the members of the family that you are inviting. In the upper left corner of the wedding invitation, you would write Elizabeth and Charles. When you name those invited by first name, other people cannot just show up. If you are worried about certain families, you can enclose a card the color of the invitation that says: We are terribly sorry, however, due to space restrictions we are unable to invite children. If someone still has the bad manners to say on their reply card that they are bringing other family members, then you pick up the phone and say: We are terribly sorry, but we are unable to invite any children not in the wedding party. You can use the excuse of space restrictions due to strict fire code laws. I am a huge fan of spreading the word through word of mouth. If you get the word out loud and clear, guests will be embarrassed to show up with an uninvited child. Set your boundaries and spread the word.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: No Children
Q How do you address no children on a wedding invitation? And when is a child not considered a child anymore?

A Nowadays, hosts are very concerned about their liability for underage drinking and do not invite anyone under the age of twenty-one, if they are serving alcohol. The exception would be members of the wedding party and close relatives. Children don't belong at adult parties because most adults had their first drink as a child at an adult wedding when an older cousin thought it cool to get little cousin smashed.

At a lot of weddings, hosts concerned about underage drinking will have signs on the bars stating the that minors won't be served. Set your boundaries. You can do so by addressing the outside envelope to just the parents. Then on the inside envelope, if you have one, address that to just the parents. Then if you are really worried, on the upper left hand corner of the guest's invitation write just the name of the friends, for instance: Elizabeth and John. When you are very specific, your guests will get the picture. Also, through word-of-mouth, get the word out that you are not inviting children, that you won't have tables for children, and therefore you won't be accommodating children. I'm a great believer of getting the word out through word-of-mouth. Also, have a cut-off date on your RSVP so that if a guest replies that they are bringing little Johnny and Emma, you can telephone that guest to say that you are not inviting guests to bring their children because there won't be accommodations for children.

Since you never want to have anything negative on an invitation, because it sets off a negative vibe, just keep to your boundaries of only inviting the mum and the dad.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Not Inviting All Spouses and Partners
Q Our wedding will be held at a very classy and expensive restaurant and followed by a small dinner party of 40. Because we are paying for it all, we cannot invite all the people we would want. At my job site in the past, a lot of people getting married have invited people solo. It has never been misinterpreted since the costs are being kept down and the co-workers are seated together. One of my co- workers took offense and decided to sever out friendship because of this. Please advise. This economy is encouraging people to make cuts in all areas- I'm sure this is happening a lot these days.

A I am sorry that one of your colleagues has taken offense and decided to sever your friendship because you are not inviting his spouse. Obviously, you considered him a close friend or he wouldn't have made the cut as one of the forty chosen guests.

My best advice to you is to send him a handwritten note saying something such as this: I am sorry that you don't understand the financial constraints of hosting a wedding during this downturn in the economy. Since we can only invite forty guests, we are unable to include many partners and spouses. Laura and I hope that you will understand and reconsider attending our very small wedding. Please let me know as soon as possible, if you can attend. Laura and I send kind regards to Charlotte and hope to have you both to dinner soon. Most sincerely,.

I understand if you don't want to write such a letter, but at this point you are either going to have one empty space at a table or you'll have to invite one of the spouses previously not invited.

After your wedding, the buzz will get around through your colleagues who witnessed the wedding that, indeed, it was a small wedding and not all spouses and partners were invited; then your friend who is bitter because his spouse was not invited will feel pretty small. Unfortunately, until that time, you are going to have to move on and invite one person to fill that empty seat.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Old Friend Not Invited
Q An old friend is getting married. I would like to send her a gift even though she didn't invite me to the wedding. Here are some details to consider:
-we didn't always have the best of times as friends; she was often jealous of me; what's worse is she liked the man I am married to and pursued him, but he didn't like her back and we ended up getting married so there still may be some hard feelings there.
-she told me a few months back that she would invite me to the wedding; either she forgot or she found some reason to hate me and so she didn't invite me.
-I wouldn't want this to come off as my begging for an invitation.
Thanks!



A Traditionally, when you are invited to a wedding and attend, you are expected to send a gift; if you are not invited and therefore don't attend, then you do not send a gift. If you do send a gift anyway, indeed it will come off as begging for an invitation. However, If you would like to sustain the friendship, for better or for worse, give the friend a poke to remind her that you exist. Invite her for lunch. She will either come clean about why she's not inviting you, or apologize for the "oversight." If in the end she does invite you, be sure to ask her where she is registered and send them an extra nice wedding present. Yes, you can probably find out where she is registered on the weddingchannel.com and send her a gift, but there is something divisive and devious about sending a wedding present to someone who hasn't invited you to her wedding. Either try to make amends, or forget it.

Is it possible that your husband once hooked up with her, dumped her, and she doesn't want him at the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Only Outer Envelope
Q How to address wedding invitations if you only have the outer envelope.

A You would use the "Mr. and Mrs." with the man's given name, say, James, as opposed to Jim, and if you know the middle initial, use it, otherwise just the last name will do. The important thing is to get the spelling of the names correct. All those eighteen and older receive their own wedding invitation. Girls are "Miss" until the age of eighteen, then they become "Ms." Boys are addressed as "Master" until the age of ten when they become "Mr." Children under eighteen are listed under the parents on the envelope:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles S. Dickens
Emily, George and Alice
then the address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents Are Remarried
Q If the parents of the bride are divorced and both remarried, how should the names on the wedding invitation be shown?

A If it is a formal wedding invitation, you would not use both sets of names, just the birth parents' names:

Mrs. William Rudolph Shakespeare
and Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents Host Wedding on Yacht
Q Dear Didi,

Thank you for this fabulous site! In a world and country where people are too rushed for conversation, your website is a welcome breath of fresh air, reminding me that yes, civilization does exist in North America, in this day and age!

In any case, my question is regarding invitation wording. I am a Christian woman whose parents, and my groom's parents, are hosting my wedding. I would like to use the formal wording, where both my sets of parents "request the honour of your presence"; however I am to be married on a yacht, and not in a church. The one caveat is that our faith is very important to us, and we will have our church pastor on board to marry us. Secondly, the wedding is as formal as any wedding on a yacht can be, albeit a small one.

What would you suggest? Finally, I wanted to honor my groom's parents who are also contributing to the wedding, and I thought I might do that by putting "son of Mr and Mrs. X" underneath my groom's name. Would that be appropriate? As my groom's family does not place tradition and formality in a high priority, I do not believe they would be offended by not listing them as co-hosts.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Thank you very much!

- Yours truly Newport Beach



A Thank you for your kind words. Your wedding sounds fabulous! As you know the formality of a wedding is reflected in the level of formality of the wedding invitation.

Traditionally, the bride's parents request the honor of the guest's presence at the marriage of their daughter to Mr. So-and-so in celebration of "giving her away." Customarily, the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, so that is their night to introduce themselves to close friends of the bride and groom whom they don't already know, as well as entertain those that they do. In this way the bride's family and the groom's family share the cost of the wedding.

In the Jewish faith, on the wedding invitation the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name:

Mr. Richard Ross
son of
Dr. and Mrs. Aaron Ross

If your groom's parents are Jewish, then they would expect to be honored in that way. If they are not, and you still wish to list them on the invitation, you can do so informally this way:

Mr. and Mrs. George Henry Warren
Mr. and Mrs. John Stuart Winslow
request the pleasure (honor) of your company
at the marriage of
Georgina Caroline
and
Mr. John Stuart Winslow, Jr.

Formal doesn't necessarily mean a big wedding, but it is reflected in the dress code. If the dress code is "Black- tie, then by all means, you could use the English spelling of "honour." By the way, as the wedding is not being held in a house of worship, traditionally, it is not considered a formal wedding, therefore the dress code would not be black-tie and you would not use the word "honour." What I do know is that it is important to be consistent in terms of the level of formality throughout the wedding planning from the invitation through the reception.

Since I don't know the time of the wedding, I don't know what would be appropriate. In my opinion, for a yacht wedding the dress code for the men in the wedding party would be a navy blue blazer with white or cream colored pants, white shirt, and a striped tie in the wedding colors. However, the fathers of the wedding couple might wear a dark suit with a solid tie in one of the wedding colors. The bridesmaids would wear a knee length dress in one of the wedding colors and your dress would be long but without much of a train, and certainly no long veil, both of which are associated with a formal church wedding. The mothers of the wedding couple would wear a dress or dressy dinner suit that falls just below the knee, not in the wedding colors, but in a shade of beige, green, blue, coral or taupe.

Footwear on a yacht is always a concern, and usually depends upon the weather or whether the boat leaves the dock as to the choice of docksiders or black Gucci loafers. You might need to check with the yacht's captain; likewise about lady's spike heels that can easily dent wood decking.

This is a rather long-winded answer to what would be appropriate, but since I don't know all the details you'll have to let me know what more you need to know.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents' Listing
Q On a wedding invitation, do the bride and groom's parents list the mother's name first? (Mary and Bob Smith)

A Sorry, but I do not understand your question. Would you please return to my Web site and ask the question again. This time you need to tell me if the style of the wedding is formal, semi-formal, or informal? Who is paying for the wedding? And whether the parents are divorced or not? Only on a very, very informal invitation would the bride's parents be listed as Mary and Bob Smith request your presence at the marriage of their daughter..... Please tell me whom you are planning on having listed on the invitation?

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents' Names Listed
Q I know the bride's parents' names goes on the invitation, do the groom's parents' names go on the invitation also?

A Traditionally, only the bride's parents' names go on the invitation because they are giving her away in marriage. In the Jewish tradition the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name, preceeded by "the son of."

In less formal weddings, more and more, couples are either not mentioning their parents at all or both parents are listed. When the groom's parents are paying for the wedding, then they are listed on the invitation. The groom's family's time for recognition is on the invitation that they send out for the rehearsal dinner, which they host the night before the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Party Following Destination Wedding
Q My fiance and I are getting married in Cancun, Mexico, and sent out messages in a bottle to everyone which doubled as a save the date invitation as well as an invite to the wedding in Cancun. Upon our return from Cancun, we plan to have a recepetion here for guests that could not attend the destination wedding. I was wondering how to word the invitation for just the reception here, in our hometown.

A If you are hosting the party and sending out the invitation then you might use this substituting your own information:

Jill and David Winston
request the pleasure of your company
in celebrating their recent marriage
(in Cancun, Mexico June 16th)----not necessary
on Saturday, July 10th
seven o'clock
864 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000 (if you don't have a reply card)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Physician's Assistant
Q Is there a specific way to address a wedding invitation to a physician's assistant and her husband?

A As this is a social invitation, you would send the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens. In other words, professional initials wouldn't be included in the name.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens
Address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: President + Mrs. and Vice President + Dr.
Q Hello Didi,
I am addressing my wedding invitations, and I was wondering the proper way to address the President and Vice President on both the inner and outer envelopes?
Are these examples correct?
Inners
Mr. President and Mrs. Obama
Mr. Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden
Outers
The President and Mrs. Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

The Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden
Number One Observatory Circle
Washington, DC 20500

A Use the surnames only.

The inside envelopes would read:

The President and Mrs. Obama

The Vice President and Dr. Biden

The outside envelopes would read:

The President and Mrs. Obama
The White House
Washington, D.C. 20500

The Vice President and Dr. Biden
United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20500

The presiding President and Vice President are addressed with "The," as in The President and The Vice President. According to Protocol: The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic Official and Social Usage, you would use just The White House and for the Vice President, it should be sent to the United States Senate. You do not use a street address for either.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Printing Problem
Q I am very upset right now. We are sending out wedding invitations for my daughter and they made a mistake. They put Mr. and Mrs. Pam and Jack Wallis instead of Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis. It is too late to order new ones? Help! Is this terrible wedding etiquette? I am really stressing over this. Please reply. Thank you

A If by chance you sent out save the date cards to your guests, then you can take the time to have the invitations reprinted. However, while you are having the invitations reprinted, get it correct this time. It is Mr. and Mrs. Jack Wallis; or informally, it is Jack and Pam Wallis. It is never Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Professional, Political and MilitaryTitles
Q When the hosts of a formal wedding (bride's parents) both have a professional or political title, who do you put first and what is the exact wording?
Bride's Father - Doctor
Bride's Mother - Mayor

Also, how do you include the military title of the groom?
Groom - 2nd Lieutenant, United States Air Force
Thank You



A The lines would be centered on the page:

The Honorable Elizabeth Stuart Wilson
and
Dr. George Sherman Wilson
request the pleasure of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
etc.
(Remember to spell out middle names.)

You would spell out the groom's full title and names:

Second Lieutenant John Brown Sherman

Socially, you would not include the initials of the branch of the armed service.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Program
Q Hi, please help to have a list for wedding reception programs, tips for the wedding coordinator. Thank you!


A Usually when the wedding couple meet with the minister at the church, they will be given a packet of information, which often includes a program from a prior wedding. Follow the style of the church or house of worship for a formal wedding. There are different forms depending upon the formality of the wedding. A good stationery store should have programs in the same style as the wedding invitation. An informal invitation would have an informal program with, say, the bride, her family, and bridesmaids listed on the left leaf and the groom's information on the right. In the center, you would then list the program from the procession to the recessional. The music director of the church will help the wedding couple choose the music and the hymns. Nowadays many churches have Web sites where you can hear music that is traditionally used for weddings. The minister can suggest various readings and passages. As a way of personalizing the program, often the wedding couple have favorite passages from the bible or poetry that friends will read and those readers' names and the passage they are reading would be listed on the program. Two readers would be enough, and those passages should be kept short. To find tips for the wedding coordinator, return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and click on Frequently Asked Questions and then Wedding Etiquette, where you will see lots of information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Received Save-the-Date but No Invitation
Q We received a "Save-the-Date" for a wedding as well as an email from the bride regarding activities on the wedding weekend. However, the wedding is a month away and we still haven't received an invitation. We have moved recently and the invitation may have been lost in the mail or delayed.

Out of courtesy to the bride, what is the best recourse?
A. Email her to ask her if we were cut from the list
B. Email her to ask if the invitation was lost
C. Do nothing

A Give the bride another week, sometimes there are glitches and the invitation has to be reprinted. I've even seen situations where the post office returned the invitation to the sender because the postage wasn't enough or the stamp had fallen off. The fact that you received an e-mail from the bride regarding activities during the wedding weekend means that you are definitely invited.

If you haven't received the wedding invitation by the end of the week, e-mail the bride thanking her for her e-mail and telling her which activities in which you would like to participate. Then you can add a paragraph that says something such as this:

Since we received your Save-the-Date card, Olivia and I have moved. To date, we haven't received your wedding invitation and we're checking to see if you have our new address: Ten Robin Hollow Road, Newport, RI 02840. Olivia and I are very much looking forward to your and Ted's wedding weekend. Please send him our very best.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception After Destination Wedding
Q Proper wording for an invitation to wedding reception only (wedding is a small destination wedding with a larger, more formal reception two weeks afterward).

A When you say "more formal reception," I am not sure if you mean a seated black-tie dinner or a cocktail buffet, two very different ways of celebrating a destination wedding after the fact. So: I have used the phrase "cocktail buffet," which you can substitute for "dinner dance." A dinner dance might start at eight o'clock. At any rate, you might want to steer clear of using the phrase "wedding reception," because the guests might get confused. When guests are not invited to the actual wedding, you would not solicit gifts, but you might enclose a reply card with a self-addressed envelope. Gifts would be given at the discretion of the guest. Any information about bridal registries would either be through word of mouth, included on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, or listed on the Internet wedding channels. The wedding Web site might also show photographs of the destination wedding to make guests feel closer to the event. If the bride's parents are hosting the party, the invitation might read something like this (You would insert your own information and center the lines on the card.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail buffet in honor of
the recent marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
to
William Stuart Shakespeare
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P
000-000-0000

If the bride and groom are hosting their own reception, the invitation might go like this:

Mrs. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
to celebrate their recent marriage
at a cocktail buffet
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P.
000-000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception in Church
Q What are acceptable ways of wording an invitation to a wedding reception immediately following the service when the reception is at the church? Please give me some examples.

A Substitute your own information and center the lines on the card:


Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
the tenth of June
two thousand and seven
three o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Reception immediately following in the Parish Hall
Reply card enclosed

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception Included
Q Should invitations to the wedding include invitation to the reception?

A You can do it either way. Of course it is easy when the ceremony and the reception are held at the same location, as in a hotel, club or private home. If the ceremony and reception are at different locations, you have the option of having both listed on the one invitation, or you would have a main invitation for the ceremony enclosed with a separate reception invitation, which would be smaller and lay on top of the larger invitation and the reply card. So, definitely, if the ceremony and reception are at the same address, why not just have one invitation. If it is a formal black-tie wedding, you would follow the formality of separate invitations for the ceremony and the reception. If it is a semiformal or informal wedding, you could certainly use one invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reciprocation
Q Do I have to invite people to our wedding if they invited me to theirs?


A No, you do not have to invite people to your wedding who invited you to theirs. It is your wedding and you should only invite people you really want to see at that special time. If you attended their wedding, you might feel that you need to reciprocate, but your wedding present would have been reciprocation enough.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Registry Info
Q Should you include your gift registry with the invitation?

A Please don't, although some people still do. There is nothing tackier than opening a lovely invitation and finding those nasty little bridal registry cards from chain stores. Nowadays, wedding couples set up there own wedding website to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding activities, dress codes, and bridal registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Regretting After Accepting
Q We accepted a wedding invitation and also told our daughter that we would babysit her one-year-old overnight (we were in the midst of selling our house, moving to a rental while building our new home}. Not that this is excusable but what is the least awkward way to write a note to explain our inability to attend the wedding. Thank you.

A In my opinion, if you haven't already done so, you would immediately send your wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry so that you are assured that you are giving the wedding couple exactly what they want and need. The store will immediately notify the wedding couple of your purchase. If the wedding date is soon, then pick up the phone and telephone the hostess. If the wedding invitation has the bride's parents as the hosts, then call the bride's mother as soon as possible. Tell her that you were so hoping that you and Steve could attend Julie's wedding but you find that you have your own unexpected family obligations that you have to attend to and that you are very sorry but you are unable to attend after all. If the wedding is a ways off, then you can write a note on your best social stationery. The greatest excuse to use is that you are busy with your family and in your case it is a real excuse, so use it. You do not have to go into great detail, sometimes the less said the better. Just be sincere and to the point.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Rehearsal Dinner: Dress Code
Q Hi Didi! I am a stationery and invitation designer in Tennessee and there is a group of girls that I will call, 'Trend Setters' that I work with occasionally. About a month ago I was creating the invitation for a rehearsal dinner at a local country club for someone in this group of trend setters. The groom's mom was insistent on providing a dress code on the invitation that was "Sport Coat Optional" and "Summer Sun Dresses". She did change to "Summer Dresses" after some thought, but I would think that most people know how to dress for a rehearsal dinner at a country club. Am I wrong to assume that, or is it really okay to assume that people don't know how to dress?

Also, I have one dress listing that you may not have heard of that I have used for another client of mine..."Snappy Khaki". I thought you might like that one!

Thanks so much!
Kim Lacy, All About YOU!
423-512-1512

A You are not wrong in assuming that most people know the dress code for a rehearsal dinner; and if they don't, they'll ask one of the wedding party. The only time that you would need to put the dress code on a rehearsal dinner would be if, say, it is a black tie dinner; a clambake on the beach (which would be "old clothes;" or if the dinner is being held at a club or restaurant that requires that gentlemen wear a jacket and tie. Other exceptions might be if the dinner is on a boat, where guests would need to wear rubber soles, or on top of a mountain, where you might need skiis to get down.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Responding When You Don't Know the Wedding Couple
Q An older friend of 2 years has a granddaughter out-of-state getting married next month. Somehow I ended up on the invitation list....do I have to send a gift?

A If you have not met the granddaughter, then you are not under any obligation to send a gift. In order to sustain the relationship with the older friend, you would want to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the bride to acknowledge the invitation. However, if the older friend, say, recently gave a member of your close family a wedding present, then you might want to reciprocate by sending a small gift from the bridal registry to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Response Card Address
Q To what address do you have the response cards returned?

A The response card envelope would have the address of whoever is hosting the event, because that person will have to be in close contact with the caterer to assure that there is enough food at the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Response Card Envelope
Q With regards to wedding response card envelopes---if the brides father's name is listed on the wedding invitation using his middle name, should the middle name also be used on the response envelope? This envelope is small and it may not accommodate a long line for the names, plus does it really matter since the parents will be the recipients of the envelope? Or should it be consistent with the invitation wording? THANK YOU for your assistance! Dee

A When possible, the name on the wedding response card envelope should be the same as the name on the invitation. However, if the length of the full name spelled out is too long for the envelope, then shorten the name by using either the middle initial or the first two initials: Mr. Theodore W. Montgomery, or Mr. T. W. Montgomery. Alternatively, you can also drop the "Mr.", if the Mrs. is not listed on the invitation, to read: Theodore Winthrop Montgomery, or Theodore W. Montgomery.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Retired Lt. Col.
Q We would like to acknowledge my daughter's fiance's parents on the wedding invitation, but we do not know how to do this. How should we properly acknowledge a retired Lt. Col. in the United States Air Force and his wife on a wedding invitation after "son of" ???

A You would list your daughter's fiance's parents on the invitation as: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Washburn. On a social invitation, you wouldn't list the branch of the armed forces or the fact that he is retired. You would, however, spell out Lieutenant Colonel and use his middle name, if you are also using your daughter's father's middle name. So, it would be: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Harris Washburn.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Return Address
Q When mailing wedding invitations, is it proper to put a return address on the envelope?

A You most definitely want to have your return address on the envelope because you will be surprised at how many envelopes come back just because one number is wrong in the address or two numbers have been switched. Also, if the zip code is not perfect, it will come to you. Unfortunately, if it does come back to you, it might take up to three weeks to be returned. So: address your envelopes carefully. You might also want to take your envelopes to a post office that will hand cancel the stamps because many of the new machines destroy wedding envelopes, which tend to be larger than ordinary envelopes.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: RSVP
Q How do we decide on the RSVP by dates? Our wedding is Nov. 3rd. Is a month before too long or does the RSVP response date need to be closer to the wedding date......like say maybe, just 2 weeks before the wedding date? How do we determine an appropriate date? Could you please answer as soon as possible so I can print the RSVP's. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Terri

A This is a question for the caterer or banquet manager. Whoever is in charge of the food will need two weeks to ten days notice in order to know how much food and how much waitstaff are needed for your wedding. Customarily, the RSVP date is ten days before the wedding. Chances are you will need to give the caterer a total count ten days in advance of the reception; however, the caterer will allow for a certain amount of wiggle room because young people especially are notoriously late at responding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save the Date
Q Should a 'save the date' card match the invitation?

A The STD does not have to match the invitation; however, you might want to find a subtle theme or color scheme that you can carry out on the paper products and decor. For instance, a recent Newport wedding had a navy blue anchor on the STD, because the wedding couple sail, the anchor signifies hope, and navy blue was one of their colors. The anchor was not on the invitation, but there was a navy blue anchor printed on the USPS stamps, a sixty-three cent stamp for the invitation outer envelope and a thirty-nine cent stamp for the reply card envelope, and the calligraphy; all the printing was done in the same dark blue ink. The gift bags were navy blue with a white anchor above the couple's name, and there were match books and hand towels that had the couple's first names along with the anchor. The post-wedding brunch invitation had a different nautical theme of nautical flags spelling out their names. The bridesmaids' luncheon invitation had a mermaid theme. So, as you can see, there was a subtle nautical theme throughout, but it wasn't over done. The key is to pick your colors, go with your theme, and touch on those sparingly to tie all the elements of the event together. You do not necessarily have to use something symbolic such as an anchor, but deciding on a color theme from the start is crucial. Many couples these days will link their initials in a monogram that works as their symbol, or logo, even using their monogram on the USPS stamps and embossed on the paper goods. By the way, customized stamps can be ordered on-line through the USPS at no additional charge. There is no rule carved in stone stating that the STD and the invitation have to match, but you will see that it is much chicer when there is a recognizable element or two that carries the spirit of the wedding couple from the engagement party through to the post-wedding brunch. If used subtly, it will reflect the wedding couple's charm.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save the Date Card
Q If you send a "save the date card" for a wedding, do you have to invite them if things change in your life with the people?

A You would only send Save the Date cards to those on the first and second tiers of your wedding reception guest list. The third and possibly fourth tiers would consist of the names of the least likely people to be invited from the list. If you do not send an invitation to someone to whom you sent a STD, it gets dicey because the STD advises guests to book their hotel room early. Often a person has committed to sharing a hotel room with a mutual friend. I get questions from readers asking what they should do: "The wedding is ten days off and I have not received my wedding invitation. I followed the instructions on the STD and booked a hotel with a fellow classmate, she has received her invitation, but I haven't gotten mine. Does that mean that I have been dis-invited? Should I tell my friend that she is going to have to find another ride to the wedding and to share the hotel room?" Some even think that the invitation was lost in the mail and ask me if they think they should call the bride to tell her that it never arrived. So: my advice to you is to categorize your wedding reception list into at least three tiers, hold off sending the third tier until the regrets start coming in, and make your decision on iffy guests then.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Separated Siblings
Q What is the proper invitation etiquette for married but separated siblings of the bride?

A You would pick up the phone and ask the siblings if they would like separate invitations sent to their ex-spouse. If they say yes, then you get the address and send an invitation. So: separated couples receive a separate invitation at the discretion of the sibling.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Setting Boundaries for Relatives of Relatives
Q My brother-in-law is getting married in Oct.; my wife and I just found out (from my mother-in-law) that my parents and my brother and his wife are not invited to the wedding (my brother invited both my mother-in-law and brother-in-law to his wedding). What (or who should) is the proper etiquette in telling my parents and brother? My mother-in-law wants me to tell them but I feel that it's not my wedding and that my brother-in-law should make at least an effort to explain why they are not invited. We were told it's going to be a "small wedding" but found out they have invited over 150 people, which might be small by some standards but I think of small as around 50 close family and friends. Just wondering what you would do. Thanks!

A I would keep quiet. When asked why I didn't spill the beans, I would say, "It wasn't my wedding, it wasn't my job to tell you, it was none of my business who was invited or not invited."

This wedding is all about the bride and the groom. Wedding couples, especially in this economy, have to set boundaries as to how many to invite and who those invitees should be. If your brother-in-law and his fiancee don't want to invite your parents and your brother and his wife, that is their perogative. Who knows why? But do you really want to be the messenger of the bad news? Messengers get shot, so to speak, and your life will become embroiled with helping your family speculate why they were not invited. Do you really want to spend your time dealing with trying to speculate and the bitterness that might ensue? The less that is made out of this supposed slight, the better.

Look at it this way: out of 150 guests at least 75 are close friends of the wedding couple; then somewhere around 35 spaces are allotted for guests who are friends and family of the groom's parents, and the remainder are friends and family of the bride's parents. Your brother and your parents did not make the cut. They just weren't on any of the three lists. Remember, too, that the four of them would be taking up four out of the 25 remainder spots allotted to the bride's parents and they are not blood relatives or close friends.

Sorry, but that's life. Don't waste your time speculating because in this sluggish economy, numbers at weddings are all about dollars and cents.

It doesn't matter that they went to your family wedding; the complexities of weddings can be so complicated as far as extended families go that it can never be tit for tat. There doesn't have to be payback.

If your family finds out about the wedding and asks you why they weren't invited, say that you don't know but you think it had to do with the numbers. If pressed, show them the math. Are they really in the bride's parents' closest circle of friends? Are they blood relatives? Do they deserve four of those 25 spots? They will see that the numbers do make sense.

It is neither up to you or your brother-in-law to inform your parents and your brother and his wife that they are not invited. If you're not invited, why would you ask why? You just wouldn't.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Setting Limitations on Small Children
Q How do I request no children unless it is a must? Some of the family won't come without them. It is informal and I do want our gandchildren there. I don't want to be a snob. Help me!!

A All weddings wrestle with this dilemma of how to include the grandchildren, but not have the wedding become an open house for families without babysitters. The wedding is all about the bride and groom and crying babies during the church service are not fair to the wedding couple. Nor are tantrums on the dance floor when small children become over stimulated from the cake and the music. The inside envelope lists the given names of the children who are included in the invitation, under Mr. and Mrs. Doe. If there is not an inside invitation, their given names are listed under the parents' names, Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, on the outside envelope. Therefore, if you are happy to have the ten-year- old and twelve-year-old but not the new born baby, only the given names of the ten-year-old and twelve- year-old would appear on the inside envelope of the invitation. If the parents respond adding the name of the newborn, you pick up the phone and say that you are unable to accommodate more than a certain amount of children due to the fire code or that you cannot have children under a certain age. Tell out-of-town guests that you would be happy to give them the names and phone numbers of reliable babysitters. At some weddings where there are many very small children, a couple of babysitters are enlisted to take care of the children during the wedding; the kids actually have their own "party." By word of mouth you can get the word out that you will only be able to accommodate children who are close family, or, say, children who are sixteen years or older. You will need to stick to your boundaries once you set them, or you might be accused of favoritism, but it can be done; it is done all the time.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Single Women: Miss or Ms.
Q We are having a very formal wedding (after six + black tie). There are many single women who will be invited, and I understand that normally one would use Ms. in this scenario. However, because the invitations are engraved and it is quite formal, would it be correct to use Miss? Then, where does one draw the line....say at single women over 35 or so??? Thank you very much.

A Today, women eighteen years and older are referred to as Ms. The exception is when one is addressing a formal invitation such as yours, then if the woman is over eighteen, she is addressed on the invitation and place card as Miss to designate socially that she is not and has never been married. If the woman is single, but is either widowed or divorced, socially she is Mrs.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Stepfather + Father Situation Roles
Q My husband and I are hosting a wedding reception for my daughter. My ex-husband will attend, but is not contributing monetarally. Should we list his name on the invitation as a host because he is Amber's father? We really don't have a preference. Please let me know what you think. Thanks! Kay

A If this is a formal wedding and your daughter is close to her father, then by all means you can list the father on the wedding invitation. The only problem I foresee is that if your daughter's father is not paying for any of the wedding, he should be given something to do to tie him into the wedding, if he is to be listed on the invitation. For instance, he can walk her up the aisle and give her away. He can also make a toast at the reception. If your daughter is very close to her stepfather, then both her father and stepfather can flank her on either side and walk her up the aisle.

As to the wording of the invitation:

Mrs. and Mrs. Edward Jay Wilson
and
Mr. James William Thompson
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Louise
to
Jonathan Oaks Sherman
etc.

If your daughter is not close to her father, then the wording could be such:

Mr. and Mrs. Edward Jay Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of Mrs. Wilson's daughter
Mary Louise
to
Mr. John Oaks Sherman

This decision should probably be made by your daughter, as it is up to your daughter to determine who walks her up the aisle and gives her away.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Stepparents Listed
Q My son is getting married in June. The bride's parents are divorced and both remarried. My son's father and I are divorced also both remarried. Bride's mother and I are wanting to know how to put names of parents on invitations. If you could help we'd be grateful...

A First off, only the bride's parents' names appear on the wedding invitation. She is their daughter and they are giving her away. The groom's parents' names might appear on the invitation for the rehearsal dinner. In the event that the groom's father, stepmother, mother, and stepfather are jointly paying for the cost of the rehearsal dinner, then both couples on the groom's side might be listed on the rehearsal dinner invitation.

Printing the names of the stepparents on the wedding invitation might also make the wedding invitation too wordy and therefore take the focus off the bride and groom. For instance, you would have to include two lines with these words, "the marriage of Mrs. Dickens' and Mr. Shakespeare's daughter," in order to distinguish the actual parents from the stepparents. Wedding invitations are all about the bride and the groom; her parents are announcing the wedding.

When the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the bride's mother's name appears first and her father's name is on the next line:

Mrs. Charles Dickens
Mr. William Shakespeare
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda Shakespeare
to Mr. George Sherman Wittaker
etc.

However, when the announcement of the wedding is sent to the local newspapers, the stepparents' names would be included in the write-up.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Timing
Q How much time should be given once receiving an invitation to a party w/RSVP cards included?

A It would depend upon the nature of the event because wedding invitations, for instance, are mailed up to eight weeks before the wedding but the RSVP does not have to be received until ten days before the event, at which time the caterer is given a final count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Tissue
Q What's your view of tissue paper with the wedding invitation? Is it really necessary? How do you use it?

A Tissue paper is totally unnecessary. It was useful in the past, but nowadays the ink dries much quicker. So they say. In my opinion, you do not have to order tissue paper, but if the printer sends it, use it. However, do have the inside envelopes lined with tissue because it looks quite nice. When I find that some of the return reply envelopes come back slightly smudged, I am always glad that I used the free tissue. Having the reply envelope with the address facing the invitation without tissue paper dividers could have been a disaster.

At any rate, the tissue paper is wicked to use. It can be a struggle separating it without wetting your finger slightly to dislodge it from its neighbor. I find that despite the struggle, I like using the tissue for the invitation, the reply card, and a third sheet for the reception card.

So, if you have a lot of patience, use the free tissue because it helps to make a tidy package. A large tissue covers the invitation; on top of that place the stamped, self-addressed reply card envelope with the address facing the invitation and the flap facing you so that you can tuck the card underneath the flap with additional tissue separating any smaller cards in descending order.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Titles
Q We are having trouble with our wedding invitation wording. Both the bride and groom's parent's are hosting. Groom's parents are divorced and we are including them all on the invite. The groom's father is remarried and is a dentist. The groom's mother is single and is a dentist and also a Ph.D. The groom himself is also a dentist. What titles are appropriate and how should they be written? Thank you.

A You would never use both a prefix and a suffix with a name. For a social occasion such as this you would only use the title Dr. It would read something like this (inserting your own information and centering the lines on the page):

Mr. and Mrs. William Smith Wilson
Dr. Charlotte Sherman Jones
Dr. and Mrs. George Henry Jones
request the pleasure of your company
(request the honor of your presence)
at the marriage of their children
Caroline Olivia
and
Dr. John George Jones
on Saturday, the tenth of October
two thousand and ten
at five o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

If the families are of the Jewish faith, traditionally the groom's parents' name would be listed underneath the groom's name, for instance:

Mr. and Mrs. William Smith Wilson
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Olivia
to
Dr. John George Ross
son of
Dr. Charolotte Sherman Ross
Dr. and Mrs. George Henry Ross

Technically, the problem with including the groom's stepmother is that he is not one of her "children." But then again Caroline Olivia Wilson is not technically the child of any of the members of the Jones family and they certainly are not giving her away in marriage. Likewise, the groom is not the child of the bride's parents. However, the first example is the preferred example for this particular situation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: To the Groom's Family
Q Is it proper for the groom's parents get a wedding invatation?????

A Yes, you would send the groom's parents an invitation to their son's wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When a Guest's Spouse Is Omitted
Q I have been married to my husband for seven months now. We recently received a wedding invitation from a couple who had come to our wedding. The invitation to us didn't include my name at all, but instead was addressed solely to my husband and the inner envelope said my husband's name and "guest". Isn't this tacky? I don't know exactly how to take this. I feel that my name should have been included since they obviously knew we were married.

A Please don't take this personally. As you will remember, things happen, mistakes are made in the course of a preparing for a wedding. This is probably an honest mistake. Take the high road and ignore the oversight. On your reply card be sure to print your name clearly. How to take this? Don't take it personally. You are right, both envelopes should have been addressed to both of you.

For all you know, the calligrapher could have been working off of an Excel spreadsheet that had omitted the fact that the Mr. had a Mrs., so she added "Guest" because there was a number 2 in the number category. As I said, mistakes are made. Go up the ladder and you won't feel slighted.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Bride + Groom Are Paying
Q When the bride and groom are paying for the wedding and reception, how should the parents of both be reguarded in the invitation?

A Your wedding invitation reflects the style of your wedding. If you are having a formal wedding, the bride's parents' names "request the pleasure," even if they are not paying for the wedding. If your wedding is informal, the bride and groom might do the inviting and therefore the parents' names would not be on the invitation. Only if the groom's family and the bride's family are sharing the cost of the wedding would both sets of names be on the invitation. If you are not having a traditional wedding, then you can do whatever you want to do; your invitation sets your style.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Couple Pays for Wedding
Q The bride and groom are paying for the wedding. The parents of the bride and groom are not deceased. What is the proper phrasing for the wedding invitation? Are the parents mentioned or omitted?

A It does not matter who pays for the wedding. Traditionally, if it is the bride's first wedding and it is a formal wedding, her parents' names are on the invitation. For an informal or semi-formal wedding, the invitation might read (insert your own information and center the lines on the card):

Alice Adams Winslow
and
George Henry Prout
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Father + Stepmother Host Wedding
Q My parents are divorced, and my father is remarried. My mother is not. My father and stepmother are hosting my wedding. How should the invitations be worded?

A Even though your father and stepmother are hosting the wedding, if your mother is still alive, her name should be on the wedding ceremony invitation. The return address on the invitation envelope and the address on the response envelope will tell people who is hosting the wedding. In theory, only your birth parents, or the closest blood relative, can give you away in marriage at the ceremony. So a proper invitation would read:

Mrs. Charlotte Hines Winslow
and
Mr. George Williams Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
Mr. Donald Stuart Ross
on Saturday, March tenth
two thousand and seven
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Otherwise, an acceptable alternative is:

Mr. and Mrs. George Wilson Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mr. Winslow's daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
.......

In both situations, the bride's mother's name would be on the program as mother of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Guests Do Not Reply
Q When you send out invitations with an RSVP deadline and that deadline passes with some individuals not responding, do you contact them to see if they plan to attend or is a no response to be considered a "no"?

A If you are seating tables, say, for a dinner dance or a wedding reception, you definitely need to know if the person is attending and whether or not the person is planning on bringing a guest because you will want them to have a place card with their name on it. Believe it or not, a lot of people just show up thinking that replying to an invitation is not important. Usually when there is a deadline, that is the signal that a response is important, if you want to be seated at the dinner. Nevertheless, you cannot just assume that no response means that the person will not just show up because the person could even turn up with a date and then you'll have to scramble around for two extra places. Pick up the phone or email the people who have not responded and say something such as this, "We are having the place cards done for the dinner this week and we are hoping that you are planning on attending." By prefacing or ending your sentence with the tone that you "hope that they are planning on coming," you will sound less anxious and therefore less scolding. If there is a rather breezy tone to the conversation, then it will seem that your being nonchalant was as natural as their not having responded. Never assume that no response is a regret. In my opinion, if you don't follow up on the people who haven't replied, you will have to be prepared to seat them if they show up. Another problem is that sometimes people will leave, say, a voice mail on the wrong phone number or replied via email but didn't type in the right address, but have no way of knowing that they have made a mistake. So if an invited guest transposed a couple of numbers when replying to tell you that he is bringing a date, then when they arrive you will have to treat them like you would treat all the other guests---graciously.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Mother Is Deceased
Q What is your advice for a wedding invitation when a parent has passed away? In this case it is the father who remains. Do we say:

Mr. Jon Smith
requests the honor of your presence

??

But I want to honor my mom in some way on the invitation - we were super close...

HELP!
Kirsten

A Yes, that is perfectly correct. The mother's name can be mentioned in the wedding announcement that appears in the newspapers.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Parents Are Divorced
Q How do I word wedding invitations when my parents are divorced? My dad is remarried. My mom is not remarried and still uses my dad's last name.

A This situation is more common than you think. The first thing that you have to remember is that traditionally it is your birth parents who are giving you away in marriage. Therefore, the invitation would read as follows (inserting your own information and centering the lines on the invitation):

Mrs. Caroline Adams Ryan
and
Mr. Charles Winslow Ryan
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie Abbot
to
Mr. George Drexel Winthrop

As you can see by the words "their daughter," traditionally the stepparent would not be giving the daughter away in marriage. However, nowadays many stepparents are as close to the bride as the real parent and so the stepparent is sometimes listed on the invitation, too. If that is the case, you would add your stepmother this way: Mr. and Mrs. Charles Winslow Ryan. It is up to the bride as to whether she wants to have her stepparent listed on her wedding invitation, or not.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Parents Remarry
Q On a wedding invitation, if the parents are divorced and remarried but only one is helping to pay for the wedding, should the other parent still be listed on the invitation?

A If it is a formal wedding invitation, you would not use both sets of names, just the birth parents' names and it does not matter who is paying for the wedding (insert your own information and center the lines on the card):

Mrs. William Rudolph Shakespeare
and Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom Is an Elected Official
Q When the person being married is an elected official, how is the invitation worded? Does his name appear before the bride's name on the invitation?

A No, his name does not appear before the bride's name. The invitation is all about the bride's parents giving their daughter away in marriage to the groom. Insert your own information and center these lines on the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. James Mumford Wilson
request the honor of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Senator George Adams Mitchell
etc.

Don't forget to spell out all middle names.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom Is Both Dr. + Colonel
Q We are sending out wedding invitations. My fiance is both a doctor and a colonel in the Army. How do we address the invitation, i.e., The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Ms. Jane Doe and is it Dr. Joe Smith or Col Joe Smith? Do you put both or pick one? Thank you.

A Assuming that your groom is a medical doctor (and not an academic Ph.D.), since this is a social invitation and your groom will hold the title of doctor for the rest of his life, but won't necessarily be a doctor in the army, your invitation would read (these lines would be centered on the card):

Jane Elizabeth Doe
and
Dr. Joseph Charles Smith
Colonel, Untied States Army
request
the honour of your presence
at their marriage
on Saturday, August the tenth
two thousand and ten
at four o'clock
St. Mary's Church
Newport

You can also do it this way:

The honour of your presence
is requested at the marriage of
Jane Elizabeth Doe
to
Dr. Joseph Charles Smith
Colonel, United States Army
etc.

The bride doesn't use a title such as "Ms." because she is about to take on the title of "Mrs." The exception would be if she was a doctor. I want your wedding invitation to be beautiful so, as long as you are sending out invitations, why not use your full names and include your middle names. It makes it more wedding-like. Also, just checking: I am assuming that the bride's parents are not giving the bride away, because you are not including their names on the invitation. One last thing, the word "honor" is spelled also as "honour." You can choose either. "Honour" is more formal.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom's Father Is Deceased
Q How should the invitation be worded as my son-in-law is deceased?
thank you again,
Bonnie Garrison

A As I recall from your earlier question, you said that the wedding is that of your grandson; therefore his parents' names would not appear on the wedding invitation.

On the wedding invitation the bride's parents are giving their daughter away in marriage to your grandson, not to his parents. The appropriate place for the groom's parents, and your name, to appear is on the wedding program that is given out at the wedding ceremony. (The groom's parents and grandparents' names, along with those of the bride's, would also be identified in the wedding announcement placed in your local newspaper.)

In that wedding ceremony program, there is a list of who's who within the immediate family:

Mrs. Emma Garrison Randolph, groom's mother
Mrs. William Byrd Garrison, groom's grandmother, etc.

Then towards the end of the program, traditionally, there is a small list of close relatives whom the wedding couple knew, who have died since they were born, following a line of remembrance:

Today, and every day we remember,

John Lewis Randolph, etc.

Both lists are divided into bride's family and groom's family.

On all wedding material from the invitation and addressing envelopes, to the program, we try to spell out middle names because that helps family and friends connect who is related to whom.

Also, if your daughter has not remarried, she has the option of using her first and maiden name with her new married name or her deceased husband's name as her middle name: Mrs. Emma Garrison Randolph, or Mrs. John Lewis Randolph. Should your daughter have remarried, she could use either: Emma Randolph Hudson or Mrs. George Stephens Hudson. Her second husband would then be listed on the close family list on the program as: George Stephens Hudson, groom's stepfather.

Thank you for your interesting questions and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Reception Proceeds a Private Ceremony + Dinner
Q My reception will be very large (500 invites) following cultural tradition. It starts with a receiving line at the beginning that lasts for two hours and then dancing/cake cutting/farewell to follow....(note: ceremony and 80 person rsvp sit-down dinner reception are separate from this event and have a different invite).

The main invite serves as both an announcement and invitation. I am not sure how to word the reception portion of the invite...specifically the time frame...I have only been able to find examples that give a starting time not a time frame...

This is what I have been playing around with (although I feel it is a bit "wordy" possibly unclear):

"The pleasure of your company is requested at a garden reception held in their honor from "half after Six o'clock until half after Eight o'clock that evening with dancing to follow at (reception site)"

Thank you.


A Help me to understand this better. When you say the main invite, you don't want to confuse an announcement with an invitation. An announcement announces that the couple have already been married, if it is an invitation in honor of the newlyweds, it serves as an announcement of their just having been married and an invitation to celebrate. A wedding invitation invites the guest to attend the ceremony and in this case the seated dinner for 80.

You say the ceremony and 80 person rsvp seated dinner are separate from the 500 person reception. Is this a separate event or does the ceremony and dinner directly follow the reception for 500 guests? If they are on separate dates, you would send two different invitations. If the reception for the 500 takes place separately before the ceremony, how can it be in honor of the newlyweds?

Let me take a guess here: there is a reception for 500 before the wedding ceremony. Then following this formal receiving line to which guests are offered wedding cake and dancing, there is a private ceremony and dinner for 80. But how can you have the wedding cake before the ceremony? In this scenario, you would have 500 invitations printed up for the pre-wedding reception, that might be worded as such.

Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at a pre-wedding reception in honor
of their daughter
Katherine Elizabeth
and
James George Thomas
Six o'clock until eight o'clock
Saturday the tenth of August
Two thousand and ten
The Springfield Botanical Gardens
1139 Springfield Parkway
Springfield, Ohio

Then have a smaller card printed up to match the above saying:

Directly following the reception
Mrs. and Mrs. John Jay Wilson
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Catharine Elizabeth
to
James George Thomas
at nine o'clock
followed by dinner and dancing

Since the dinner and dancing is in the same location, you wouldn't need to mention that.

Then you only need to have one reply card. On your wedding list spread sheet you will know which of the eighty guests you've also invited to the ceremony and dinner, so you can use the same reply card for all 500 invitees because the reply cards will have been numbered on the back and you will know which of the eighty invitees have accepted for the entire evening.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When There Is No Reply Card
Q How do you respond to a wedding invitation which asks for a response and there is no response card?

A Your host assumes that you know how to respond to a wedding invitation and therefore doesn't enable you with a reply card. On your best social stationery substitute your own information and center these lines.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation for June 24th

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Three Sets of Parents Co-host Wedding
Q I would like to include both of my parents who are divorced and remarried along with the groom's parents. How would that be worded on the invitation?

A Traditionally, since the bride's parents are giving the bride away in marriage, the groom's parents names are not listed on the invitation. Their names are customarily on the rehearsal dinner invitation because they are doing the inviting to that event. However, if the groom's parents are not hosting the rehearsal dinner and the bride's and groom's parents are co-hosting the wedding, then the invitation, centering the lines on the page, might read:

Mr. and Mrs. John Wilson Doe
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Brown Stewart
Mr. and Mrs. James Scott Johnson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their children
Jane Caroline
to
Mr. James Scott Johnson, II
on Saturday, the tenth of August

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Two Doctors Wed
Q How to word a wedding invitation of two doctors?

A I would have to know more about the situation to give a precise answer. For instance, for a formal or semi-formal wedding invitation, you would not use the title Dr. before the bride's name, but you would use Dr. before his name. A formal invitation would go like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Edward Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare

You don't use the bride's last name, because her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, are doing the inviting so it would be redundant to use her last name; you can't very well use Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth, as you wouldn't say Ms. or Miss Charlotte Elizabeth. On the other hand, if the two doctors are doing the inviting, they can both use their titles as doctors, but her name would come first:

Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth Dickens
and
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
Saturday the fifth of June
etc.

Of course, it goes without saying that if it is an informal wedding and not in a church or synagogue, you can do whatever you want. The first example is the traditional way the invitation would be worded. However, if the wedding couple are older and are hosting their own wedding, the less formal style can be used.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording
Q My stepdaughter is getting married. Relations with the ex-wife and husband are good between my husband and me. I am in charge of the invitations and we are in agreement that it will say: "Mr.& Mrs. Them and Mr. & Mrs. Us request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter." My question is, which names should come first, the mother's or the father's?

A The problem with doing it your way is that, in fact, your stepdaughter only has two birth parents, a mother and a father. The birth parents give their daughter away in marriage. The stepparents can't give somebody else's daughter away. Think logically about the word "their." Only the birth parents' names are on the wedding invitation. When the bride's parents are divorced, the mother's name appears on the first line of the invitation and the father's name appears on the second line. The stepparents are acknowledged in the wedding program. I am sorry to disappoint you, but the word "their" means the birth parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording When Mother of the Bride Is a Doctor
Q Bride, groom and both sets of parents are hosting the wedding. We would like to include both first names of each set of parents on the invitation. In what order should we list the names for husband and wife if the wife is a doctor?

For instance, is it:

A)
Together with their parents
Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe (brides parents)
and
Dr. Jane and Mr. John Doe (grooms parents)
requests the honour...

OR

B)
Together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe (bride's parents)
and
Mr. and Dr. John and Jane Doe (groom's parents)
requests the honour...

Thanks!

A As long as you are going for the correct wording, then why not add the middle names? The wording for the invitation would be as follows (with the lines centered on the card):

Mr. John Smith Doe and Dr. Jane Gibson Doe
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Joan
to
Mr. Charles William Dickens
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: When to Mail Invitations
Q How long before the wedding should I send the invetations?

A If possible, wedding invitations should be mailed at least six weeks before the wedding.

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