Wedding Etiquette: Invitation + Save the Date
Q How far ahead of the wedding do the invitations go out? If you use a "Save this Date Card" and if you do not use the card?

A The STD goes out a year to four months before the wedding date. The invitation, whether there is a STD or not, would go out at least six weeks before the wedding date. Many are going out eight weeks prior for, say, a June wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q Should all cousins be invited to a wedding assuming there is enough room?

A It depend upon your relationship with the cousins whom you would invite and whom you would not invite. There are no rules carved in stone saying that you have to invite them all. Why not make a list of the cousins, with their mates, going from the one you like the most to the one you like the least and then figure out how many you can afford to entertain at the reception. Remember that they may not all be able to attend. Also, don't forget that the bride and groom customarily invite the same amount of cousins so that both sides are equally represented.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q How soon should wedding inviations be sent out?

A Eight to six weeks prior to the wedding date, depending upon the time of year. For instance the months of May, June, September and December are popular wedding months, so you would want to mail your invitations eight weeks ahead of time, allowing five days for the mail service.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q How to address wedding invations if you only have the outer envelope.

A You would use the "Mr. and Mrs." with the man's given name, say, James, as opposed to Jim, and if you know the middle initial, use it, otherwise just the last name will do. The important thing is to get the spelling of the names correct. All those eighteen and older receive their own wedding invitation. Girls are "Miss" until the age of eighteen, then they become "Ms." Boys are addressed as "Master" until the age of ten when they become "Mr." Children under eighteen are listed under the parents on the envelope:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles S. Dickens
Emily, George and Alice
then the address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q Should invitations to the wedding include invitation to the reception?

A You can do it either way. Of course it is easy when the ceremony and the reception are held at the same location, as in a hotel, club or private home. If the ceremony and reception are at different locations, you have the option of having both listed on the one invitation, or you would have a main invitation for the ceremony enclosed with a separate reception invitation, which would be smaller and lay on top of the larger invitation and the reply card. So, definitely, if the ceremony and reception are at the same address, why not just have one invitation. If it is a formal black-tie wedding, you would follow the formality of separate invitations for the ceremony and the reception. If it is a semiformal or informal wedding, you could certainly use one invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q Are bridesmaids sent an official wedding invitiation?

A It is always polite to send the bridesmaids an invitation because they have presumably gone to great expense to participate in your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette
Q When the parents of the bride are divorced and both are paying for the wedding does the mother's name go first or the father's name. In our situation the father and his wife are jointly hosting/paying and the mother's husband is not contributing. So it is not awkward, the father is not including his wife's name but there is some question as to whose name goes first.

A Traditionally, in the Christian faith only the living birth parents' names are on the invitation with the wedding couple because only the birth parents can give their daughter away in marriage. I know this is difficult in your situation, so you might want to make a compromise because both of the bride's parents are remarried by using the first form, substituting your own information and centering the lines on the page. You will see how awkward the fifth line sounds, which is why, in my opinion I would drop the stepparents, but you might have to do what you have to do to keep the peace:

Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In answer to your second question, the mother's name would appear on the top line first, whether or not the stepfather is included. So, the other alternative is:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare (your new married name)
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mrs. Shakespeare and Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In my opinion, this last one sounds even more awkward, which is why I would recommend that you use:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

The bride's birth parents have to remember that this wedding is all about the bride and her groom and not about who is paying for what and/or the new spouses.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette:
Q Do you seal the inner envelope for a wedding invitation?


A Traditionally, the inside envelope is ungummed and, therefore, cannot be sealed. So, if your envelopes are gummed, do not seal them. It is not necessary to seal them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Big Wedding + Small Reception
Q My sister is getting married in July. She wants a small wedding and doesn't mind if more guests come to the wedding but wants the reception to be just close friends and relatives. How do you invite people to the wedding but not the reception? Also, can you invite people to a bridal shower that you do not invite to the reception? And is it ok to send an announcement to people that are not invited to the wedding? Thanks for any help you can give in this matter.

A You would not invite anyone to a shower that is not being invited to the wedding, unless the wedding is very small and you are planning on having a large party when the wedding couple return from their wedding trip.

You would have two cards printed: one inviting people to the church only and the second inviting guest just to the reception. Guests who are being invited to both would have one of each card in their envelope.

The hard part of this is that those who are not going on to the reception are going to feel excluded.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Both Parents Divorced
Q I do wedding invitations and I have an odd request from a client that I am not sure how to deal with. She is getting married and both her parents and her fiance's parents are divorced and remarried. All biological parents are hosting the wedding, they want to put all of the biological parents ONLY on the invitation. (i.e. Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Knox, not Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Joe Knox). Is it appropriate to do so and should there be 4 separate names on the invitation? Please Help!

A Not to worry, nowadays, this kind of situation arises all the time. You can go one of two ways. Traditionally, if it is a Christian wedding, only the birth parents of the bride are mentioned because they are giving their daughter away in marriage. The groom's parents are not listed because they can't give the bride away because they are not her blood parents. However, on the program your clients can list whomever they wish and even describe the relationship, if necessary. The second way is how people of the Jewish faith do it. It sounds as if your clients are going to do whatever they want to do. In situations such as this, all you can do is to tell them the difference in how the two faiths word wedding invitations and, if you have to let protocol go to the wind, at least it is their choice to list all four names separately:

Mrs. mother of the bride
Mr. father of the groom
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Amanda
to
Mr. groom
the son of
Mrs. mother of the groom
and
Mr. father of the groom
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Bridal Registry
Q How do I inform guests where I am registered for gifts? Is it appropriate to include with invitations?

A I am a huge fan of Not including gift registration information along with the wedding invitation. Marriage is a sacred ceremony and not a call for "booty." I encourage wedding couples to set up their own wedding Web site to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding plans, as well as bridal registries. If you are sending out a save the date card, then you would list your wedding Web site. I am a huge fan of word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will know where you are registered. Also, if you list where you are registered on such wedding Web sites as www.weddingchannel.com and www.theknot, friends and family can look up where you are registered themselves.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Bridal Registry
Q Is it ok to put down where you are registered on the wedding invitations??

A No, you would not "put down where you are registered" on an invitation. Nowadays, wedding couples set up their own wedding Web site to keep friends and family in the loop about the wedding. The Web site would have a click-on for bridal registry. Also, most wedding couples today register their registries on www.weddingchannel.com and on www.theknot.com. Don't solicit for gifts on your wedding invitation because it looks really tacky. If someone wants to send you a wedding present, they can find a gift that you have chosen and that they can afford through your registry and the gift will be sent to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Cutting the Guest List
Q How do you thin the guest list without hurting feelings? We would love to have everyone, but this is a second wedding, we are on a budget, and the original guest list was about 300 people! Also, we would like to send something to people we didn't invite to the wedding, to include them in some way. Is this tacky or considerate?

A Go through your guest list and put a priority number in front of each name as to whether they are tier 1, tier 2, or tier 3. Send invitations to, say, all of tiers 1 and 2. When the regrets start coming in, you will have a better sense of whether you can send invitations to any of the names on tier 3, and they can be sent on an individual basis later. I am a huge fan of the Save the Date card because you can get a great sense even before the first invitations go out who will not be able to attend, say, due to a long standing prior commitment, and who would be able to attend. That way you can decide if you still want to send the person who cannot come an invitation to make them feel included, or not. As to sending people that you cannot invite "something," my feeling is that it is a bit of a slap in the face and slightly condescending. It might be better, say, to host a cocktail party a couple of weeks before the wedding for those friends of the parents who did not make the cut. This way you are telling your friends that you care about them, but due to space limitations, you cannot have all of, say, the parents of the bride's friends. The friends will be delighted because they get to go to the pre-party, but since they are not attending the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. As to cutting back the numbers even further, if the above doesn't work, remember that the bride and groom's list should consist of half of the total guest list; the bride's parents have a quarter and the groom's parents have a quarter of the guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Enclosing Registry Cards
Q Is it proper etiquette to enclose a card stating where a bride and groom are registered in a wedding invitation?

A I don't think so. That sort of information is easily spread through word of mouth or, say, on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, where the guest has the option of clicking on "itinerary," "accommodations," "travel directions," "bridal registry." I have gotten lots of complaints about those nasty cards falling out of the wedding invitation envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Guests Bringing Guests
Q How do you know if you can bring a date to a wedding?... what if you are a girl and are invited to a wedding, can you still bring a date?


A Your Save-the-Date might say "and Guest" after your name. If so immediately contact the wedding couple to give them the full name of your date. Then when the invitation arrives, his name will be on the envelope as well. If he has a different address and you want him to receive his own invitation, then you would also give the wedding couple his address. If there was no "and guest" on the wedding invitation, you have not been invited to bring a "Guest." Chances are they are inviting you as a single woman. If you would like to bring a date, then you would ask the wedding couple, if you can. Wedding facilities have strict fire codes limiting the amount of guests and you might not be able to bring a date. But take heart, if you are being invited as a single woman, there will be single men there with whom you can dance.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Guests Who Won't Attend
Q Do we send wedding invitations to guests whom we know will not be able to attend?

A Yes, especially if you received a wedding invitation or their wedding in the past. Even if you know that people cannot come, they often like the contact. However, as you know, just because they receive the invitation, it does not mean that they have to send a wedding present. You only send a wedding present if you attend the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Honour + Favour
Q How do you know which way to spell honor on wedding invitations?

A Generally speaking, when you use the word "honor" in connection with a wedding, you use the English spelling, "honour." The English spelling is also used for the word "favour," as on the reply card: The favour of a reply is requested by June first. If you do not want to use "honour," the alternative is: Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So request the pleasure of your company at the marriage.... So: if you use the English spelling with favour, you would be consistent and use "honour" on the invitation. Favour and honour might seem pretentious, but once it is printed on the invitation, the words give a certain elegance that honor and favor don't.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Ink Color
Q How important is it for the inner envelope to have the same color ink as the invitation and the outer envelope?

A In terms of uniformity, you would have all the ink, say, black, especially if it is a formal wedding. However, if the wedding is either semiformal or informal, you might have gray, green, blue or brown ink; whichever you decide, be sure the envelopes and the invitation have the same color ink.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Mailing Date of Invitation and Reply Card
Q How far in advance do I send out wedding invitations and how soon before the wedding do we ask for the favor of their reply?

A Take into consideration the date of the wedding. If the wedding is over a June, July, August, September or December weekend, you would send the invitations out two months prior to the date. Figure that it takes five days for the invitation to reach the guest. You might already have an idea of who will be able to attend by responses you've received, if Save the Date cards have been sent out. Even though there is no RSVP on a Save the Date card, guests will usually let you know by telephone, email, or in conversation whether they will be able to attend or not. If you are in communication with most of the guests and you've sent out a Save the Date card, you can send the invitation out six weeks prior to the date, asking guests to send back their reply cards or RSVP a month to ten days prior to the date, again, depending upon the situation. For instance, if there are other invitations that have to go out, say, for the rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon, post-wedding brunch, then you would need to send the wedding invitations out two months prior to the wedding and make the reply return card date a month prior to the wedding. That is a conservative, safe way to schedule; however, often, when guests are forced to reply too early, there inevitably will be changes in plans and people who will forget until the last minute to send in their replies. An incentive is to reserve a block of rooms at a hotel or motel at a discount, information for which would have been on the Save the Date Card. Let the guests know that they will be entitled to a 15% discount (depending upon the hotel) if they reserve their room before a certain date. Then you can telephone the hotel from time to time to find out who has secured a room with their credit card. You ask how far in advance? To be safe, send the invitation two months from the wedding and make the return date a month before. Can you make the times shorter? Of course, because every wedding has its own flow. Be sure to check with the caterer or facility that is producing the venue to find out when they need a final head count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations, is it appropriate to use Miss or Ms. for unmarried guests?

A If you are not sure how the woman wishes to be addressed and she is eighteen years of age or younger, she would be Miss. Older than eighteen, she would be Ms.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Mother and Stepfather Inviting
Q How should the invitation read for a mother and stepfather inviting people to the daughter/stepdaughter's wedding?

A The invitation would read somewhat like the following, you would, of course, substitute your own information and the lines would be centered properly on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. Norman Edward Walker
request the honour of your presence at
the marriage of Mrs. Walker's daughter
Amanda Caroline Hamilton
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Mother Deceased, Father Remarried
Q On wedding invitations that are done by the bride whose mother is deceased and father has remarried, does the new wife's name get mentioned?

A This is an issue that might or might not be very painful for the bride, but it is a decision that she has to make; nobody can make it for her. You would show the bride two different wordings for the invitation and then ask her what she thinks of the type style, the color of the paper and ink, and the wording. Help her to think about what the invitation will look like and feel like to her. Show her the one with just the father's name that says "requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of his daughter Charlotte Caroline," and then show her this one (you would, of course, substitute your own information and center the lines on the page.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Caroline
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: No Children
Q I do not want children besides those in the wedding to attend the reception. How do I word that on my reception cards in a nice way? I don't want to hurt any feelings, but we can't feed EVERYONE in the family! Can you help me?

A On the invitation envelopes, the names of those invited to the wedding are written clearly. If you make it crystal-clear on the outside envelope that Mrs. and Mrs. Charles Dickens are invited, and again on the inside envelope, if you use one, by writing Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, then you can reiterate that on the wedding invitation itself by writing in just the first names of the members of the family that you are inviting. In the upper left corner of the wedding invitation, you would write Elizabeth and Charles. When you name those invited by first name, other people cannot just show up. If you are worried about certain families, you can enclose a card the color of the invitation that says: We are terribly sorry, however, due to space restrictions we are unable to invite children. If someone still has the bad manners to say on their reply card that they are bringing other family members, then you pick up the phone and say: We are terribly sorry, but we are unable to invite any children not in the wedding party. You can use the excuse of space restrictions due to strict fire code laws. I am a huge fan of spreading the word through word of mouth. If you get the word out loud and clear, guests will be embarrassed to show up with an uninvited child. Set your boundaries and spread the word.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Parents Are Remarried
Q If the parents of the bride are divoreced and both remarried, how should the names on the wedding invation be shown?

A If it is a formal wedding invitation, you would not use both sets of names, just the birth parents' names:

Mrs. William Rudolph Shakespeare
and Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Registry Info
Q Should you include your gift registry with the invitation?

A Please don't, although some people still do. There is nothing tackier than opening a lovely invitation and finding those nasty little bridal registry cards from chain stores. Nowadays, wedding couples set up there own wedding website to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding activities, dress codes, and bridal registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: Response Card Address
Q To what address do you have the response cards returned?

A The response card envelope would have the address of whoever is hosting the event, because that person will have to be in close contact with the caterer to assure that there is enough food at the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: When Couple Pays for Wedding
Q The bride and groom are paying for the wedding. The parents of the bride and groom are not deceased. What is the proper phrasing for the wedding invitation? Are the parents mentioned or omitted?

A It does not matter who pays for the wedding. Traditionally, if it is the bride's first wedding and it is a formal wedding, her parents' names are on the invitation. For an informal or semiformal wedding, the invitation might read (insert your own information and center the lines on the card):

Alice Adams Winslow
and
George Henry Prout
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Etiquette: When Two Doctors Wed
Q How to word a wedding invitation of two doctors?

A I would have to know more about the situation to give a precise answer. For instance, for a formal or semi-formal wedding invitation, you would not use the title Dr. before the bride's name, but you would use Dr. before his name. A formal invitation would go like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Edward Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare

You don't use the bride's last name, because her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, are doing the inviting so it would be redundant to use her last name; you can't very well use Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth, as you wouldn't say Ms. or Miss Charlotte Elizabeth. On the other hand, if the two doctors are doing the inviting, they can both use their titles as doctors, but her name would come first:

Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth Dickens
and
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
Saturday the fifth of June
etc.

Of course, it goes without saying that if it is an informal wedding and not in a church or synagogue, you can do whatever you want. The first example is the traditional way the invitation would be worded. However, if the wedding couple are older and are hosting their own wedding, the less formal style can be used.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation From Hell
Q I received an invitation to a party (BYOB) that stated the bride and groom had paid for their plane tickets and hotel in Mexico, but "fun" cost more. Then advised guests to bring money ($5, $10, $20 or more) for the couple to help pay for their honeymoon! Should I have NOT been offended? Is there ANY situation where this type of behavior is acceptable? I personally cannot think of even ONE.

A This sounds like one "fun" party you might want to regret. If you do not attend the party, you are not required to send a gift. However, if you wish to sustain the relationship, you might send a wedding card.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation if Parents Are Remarried
Q When bride's parents have remarried and are both contributing toward the wedding, how should the announcement read on invitations? Just our names or both our names and our spouses? thanks

A Traditionally, if both of the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the names of the new spouses would not appear on the invitation and the mother's name would come first.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation List
Q My son is getting married...he is under the assumption the same amount of people should be at the reception for each family. I think that's impossible. What is proper ...in other words, should both families be allowed 60 invitations? If one family is bigger than the other, how does that work? Should the groom's family pick up the tab for the additional people on their side?He thinks the bride's family will feel bad if the groom has more people. HELP??????

A The goal of a wedding invitation list is to have the bride and groom equally represented. Nowadays, that is not always possible because one family may be from a different town, city or state, or may have not lived in the town as long as the other family, and therefore they may not be as connected socially. Both families might start with their own lists that include close relatives and friends and then as budget allows add on relatives and friends, who are not as close; factoring in the guess as to who might or might not come from afar. If the bride's family cannot afford to host all those on the list and the groom's family can afford to pitch in, the families will divvy up the expenses with one parent acting as treasurer for paying the bills.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation List
Q We are paying a hefty price for our daughter's upcoming wedding. She believes that I should not invite individuals to her wedding that she does not necessarily know (for example, our professional contacts that know her but not well or those that we have not been in close contact with lately). However, she and her intended are inviting multiple individuals that we have never met. Is there a certain protocol or guidelines of who is to be invited? Please help! Thanks

A To settle this common dilemma, most families will come up with a formula to divide the guest list into, say, five sections: bridal party, bride's closest friends not in the bridal party, groom's closest friends not in the bridal party, the bride's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party, and the groom's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party. So: if the bridal party consists of, say, twenty people including the bride and groom, the other four lists would be divvied up; perhaps into groups of forty of fifty, which would include the spouses or partners of these people. Traditionally, the importance of both families are represented equally with the relatives allotted to the parents' lists. In cases where the groom's family is coming from out-of-town, say, and you assume only a small percentage of those invitations will be acceptances, you might be able to send out a small second batch of invitations to locals to fill out the ranks because everyone likes to see a full church at a wedding. As I do not know the circumstances, it is difficult to give you a proper answer. However, I do know that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and it should not be considered a pay-back for the wedding couple's parents' friends. Often the parents might give a cocktail party prior to the wedding just for their friends, thus acknowledging the friendship in order to sustain the relationship when they are not invited to the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation List
Q Do I have to invite people to our wedding if they invited me to theirs?


A No, you do not have to invite people to your wedding who invited you to theirs. It is your wedding and you should only invite people you really want to see at that special time. If you attended their wedding, you might feel that you need to reciprocate, but your wedding present would have been reciprocation enough.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation List: Guest Inviting Guests
Q If a guest is not dating someone, should they be invited with a guest?

A No, if you have enough members of the opposite sex, you do not have to invite the guest to invite a guest. On the other hand, you want the single people to have someone with whom to dance. So: count up your single men and single women to see if you can send the invitation without encouraging the guest to invite someone that the wedding couple might never see again.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Printing Problem
Q I am very upset right now. We are sending out wedding invitations for my daughter and they made a mistake. They put Mr. and Mrs. Pam and Jack Wallis instead of Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis. It is too late to order new ones? Help! Is this terrible wedding etiquette? I am really stressing over this. Please reply. Thank you

A If by chance you sent out save the date cards to your guests, then you can take the time to have the invitations reprinted. However, while you are having the invitations reprinted, get it correct this time. It is Mr. and Mrs. Jack Wallis; or informally, it is Jack and Pam Wallis. It is never Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation Timing
Q How much time should be given once receiving an invitation to a party w/RSVP cards included?

A It would depend upon the nature of the event because wedding invitations, for instance, are mailed up to eight weeks before the wedding but the RSVP does not have to be received until ten days before the event, at which time the caterer is given a final count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation to Reception After Destination Wedding
Q Proper wording for an invitation to wedding reception only (wedding is a small destination wedding with a larger, more formal reception two weeks afterward)

A When you say "more formal reception," I am not sure if you mean a seated black-tie dinner or a cocktail buffet, two very different ways of celebrating a destination wedding after the fact. So: I have used the phrase "cocktail buffet," which you can substitute for "dinner dance." A dinner dance might start at eight o'clock. At any rate, you might want to steer clear of using the phrase "wedding reception," because the guests might get confused. When guests are not invited to the actual wedding, you would not solicit gifts, but you might enclose a reply card with a self-addressed envelope. Gifts would be given at the discretion of the guest. Any information about bridal registries would either be through word of mouth, included on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, or listed on the Internet wedding channels. The wedding Web site might also show photographs of the destination wedding to make guests feel closer to the event. If the bride's parents are hosting the party, the invitation might read something like this (You would insert your own information and center the lines on the card.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail buffet in honor of
the recent marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
to
William Stuart Shakespeare
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P
000-000-0000

If the bride and groom are hosting their own reception, the invitation might go like this:

Mrs. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
to celebrate their recent marriage
at a cocktail buffet
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P.
000-000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation When Bride + Groom Are Paying
Q When the bride and groom are paying for the wedding and reception, how should the parents of both be reguarded in the invitation?

A Your wedding invitation reflects the style of your wedding. If you are having a formal wedding, the bride's parents' names "request the pleasure," even if they are not paying for the wedding. If your wedding is informal, the bride and groom might do the inviting and therefore the parents' names would not be on the invitation. Only if the groom's family and the bride's family are sharing the cost of the wedding would both sets of names be on the invitation. If you are not having a traditional wedding, then you can do whatever you want to do; your invitation sets your style.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation When Mother Is Deceased
Q What is your advice for a wedding invitation when a parent has passed away? In this case it is the father who remains. Do we say:

Mr. Jon Smith
requests the honor of your presence

??

But I want to honor my mom in some way on the invitation - we were super close...

HELP!
Kirsten

A Yes, that is perfectly correct. The mother's name can be mentioned in the wedding announcement that appears in the newspapers.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation When Three Sets of Parents Co-host Wedding
Q I would like to include both of my parents who are divorced and remarried along with the groom's parents. How would that be worded on the invitation?

A Traditionally, since the bride's parents are giving the bride away in marriage, the groom's parents names are not listed on the invitation. Their names are customarily on the rehearsal dinner invitation because they are doing the inviting to that event. However, if the groom's parents are not hosting the rehearsal dinner and the bride's and groom's parents are cohosting the wedding, then the invitation, centering the lines on the page, might read:

Mr. and Mrs. John Wilson Doe
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Brown Stewart
Mr. and Mrs. James Scott Johnson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their children
Jane Caroline
to
Mr. James Scott Johnson, II
on Saturday, the tenth of August

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation with Stepparents Listed
Q My son is getting married in June. The bride's parents are divorced and both remarried. My son's father and I are divorced also both remarried. Bride's mother and I are wanting to know how to put names of parents on invations. If you could help we'd be grateful...

A First off, only the bride's parents' names appear on the wedding invitation. She is their daughter and they are giving her away. The groom's parents' names might appear on the invitation for the rehearsal dinner. In the event that the groom's father, stepmother, mother, and stepfather are jointly paying for the cost of the rehearsal dinner, then both couples on the groom's side might be listed on the rehearsal dinner invitation.

Printing the names of the stepparents on the wedding invitation might also make the wedding invitation too wordy and therefore take the focus off the bride and groom. For instance, you would have to include two lines with these words, "the marriage of Mrs. Dickens' and Mr. Shakespeare's daughter," in order to distinguish the actual parents from the stepparents. Wedding invitations are all about the bride and the groom; her parents are announcing the wedding.

When the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the bride's mother's name appears first and her father's name is on the next line:

Mrs. Charles Dickens
Mr. William Shakespeare
reguest the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda Shakespeare
to Mr. George Sherman Wittaker
etc.

However, when the announcement of the wedding is sent to the local newspapers, the stepparents' names would be included in the write-up.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope
Q When addressing the inside envelope on a wedding invitation, would you write what the parents or what the bride or groom would call the recipient of the invitation?
Mr. and Mrs. Jones by the bride or groom
Tom and Betsy by the parents

A No, it is simply not done. You need not write, "by the bride or groom," or "by the parents." It is not necessary. The recipient will know that they are being invited because they are friends of the parents, bride or groom, or both.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope: Black Tie Optional
Q How do you address a wedding invitation where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer? Also, if you are having a black tie optional wedding, should the invites be formal on the inner envelope? Thank you.

A When addressing a wedding invitation envelope where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer, the outside envelope would read: Dr. Emily Dickens and Mr. George Dickens. If you are also using an inside envelope, that would read: Dr. Dickens and Mr. Dickens.

When you list "Black tie optional," you assume that the guest who doesn't have a tuxedo will wear a dark suit, white shirt, tie, and black shoes and socks. Inner envelopes are addressed with the same formality, whether for a formal or semi-formal wedding. You probably would not have an inner envelope for an informal wedding; however, you wouldn't necessarily have to have an inner envelope for a semi-formal wedding. Choose a style of formality and carry that theme throughout the wedding or otherwise you will be giving your guests mixed messages as to how to dress and how to behave.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Women as Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations to my bridesmaids who are all under the age of twenty-five and unmarried, do I use Miss or Ms.?

A When addressing unmarried women eighteen years and older, you would use Ms. or Miss.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Retired Lt. Col.
Q We would like to acknowledge my daughter's fiance's parents on the wedding invitation, but we do not know how to do this. How should we properly acknowledge a retired Lt. Col. in the United States Air Force and his wife on a wedding invitation after "son of" ???

A You would list your daughter's fiance's parents on the invitation as: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Washburn. On a social invitation, you wouldn't list the branch of the armed forces or the fact that he is retired. You would, however, spell out Lieutenant Colonel and use his middle name, if you are also using your daughter's father's middle name. So, it would be: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Harris Washburn.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Gifts
Q Dear Didi,
Per the following excerpt from your NY Times letter:

"So in this case, Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette", is wrong, it is O.K. to dictate to guests what their gift should be. "

Personally, I would disagree that Peggy Post is wrong. There is not a wrong or right in this circumstance. Although I respect your choice on how to guide individuals, recognize that there are some (many?) who would disagree. I would be very put off by an insert of the type you recommend. The word "lieu" is typically used when people are asking for donations to be made (rather than gifts). To ask for money as if it is in place of a gift is not only crass (in my opinion), but it is seeming to suggest that one is not asking for a gift. (In lieu or in place of a gift, give us money.) Although the use of the word small does, I think, soften the message.

I would be interested in knowing if I am in the minority and will ask around. I'd be curious about the feedback that your clients have received as well (although it may not be clear, since people may not directly admit to being "put off").

Anyway, I do agree that for many, the money would be much more useful; just not sure about the manner in which it gets communicated. Just some thoughts....

Janet Slifer

A I agree with you completely. However, I am not part of the generation getting married at this point in time. Currently my daughter, who was married on June 2, 2007, is much like others of her generation who are on the wedding circuit. I insisted that she and her fiance set up a wedding website to keep the two families and friends from different coasts in the loop about wedding plans, activities, accommodations, directions, and bridal registry. The only instruction for bridal registries was made inadvertently on the "Save the Date" card, which listed their wedding website but no reference to gifts. That was supposed to be the polite way to keep people in the loop about wedding gifts. If only guests would go to the wedding website, they could click on "Bridal Registry." Because they received so many duplicate gifts that had to be returned, or could not be returned, for their engagement party, we decided to list the bridal registry on their wedding website. Nowadays, most anyone involved with a wedding couple learns about www.theknot.com and the weddingchannel.com, etc. They assumed that their wedding website would direct people to the bridal registry. But no, they have received many very expensive presents that they do not need. For instance, they received two wine refrigerators. My daughter and her husband, who barely drink at all, live in a tiny apartment that barely accommodates a standard refrigerator. But the wine refrigerator happened to be the hip, cool gift last winter. Try carrying two wine refrigerators back to the store when you live in a big city. The "At Home Card" is an old-fashioned way of getting out new information, such as new address, new name. I must admit that I was slightly taken back when a couple of years ago my best friend remarried after buying a co-op and I received a letter from her cousin suggesting that the wedding couple, who have everything they need, would rather have a small check towards renovating their new apartment. Since then, I believe that giving is all about giving people what they truly need and want and not what I think they need. In many faiths and cultures money is the only gift expected. Italian brides wear red silk purses around their waists which wedding guests stuff with checks and cash. Jewish weddings also encourage cash presents. There are cultures that have money trees and weddings where the bride encourages guests to pin bills to her dress in return for a dance. The "At Home card" to me, for this current generation is the most efficient way of handling the wedding present dilemma. On the "At Home" card, one does not have to dictate that gifts only be checks, but a check can be an option. Another option is to list one or two bridal registries, which is what I will do for my next daughter's wedding. You have to remember that it is even more vulgar to pull out a beautiful wedding invitation and have four or five registry cards from chains (Such as Bed, Bath and Beyond with the wedding couple's registry number already on the card) tumble out onto your floor. Speaking of making the guest feel like a dummy, all the guest has to do is to exchange that card for a gift card. Just to ease your mind, my daughter and her husband did not receive one single check, but that wasn't what they wanted. They are sweetly old fashioned; they only wanted their place settings of china, silver and crystal. (The engagement party brought in most of their kitchen ware.) Also, I agree that there is no right or wrong way to ask for gifts, but it sure helps if you send people in the right direction. Again, I agree with you about the usage of the word "lieu." Unfortunately, at this point in time, the expression is commonly used instead of the word "instead." The word "gift", also, is tricky, because obviously a check would be a gift of money, which is why I also advise that the wedding couple state how the gift of money will be used. Believe it or not, I answer questions from couples who get themselves financially in debt just planning the wedding and they want to know how they can ask for money to pay for the wedding. Although I do agree with your points, having lived through this for the past year, I do believe that making it easy for the guests is the way to go. To the wedding couple that means using the old-fashioned "At Home" card, which was used long before there were bridal registries.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Monetary Gifts
Q How do we ask for a monetary gift on our wedding invitation?
My parents say that it is not proper etiquette to ask for money even though my fiance and I have all that we need except for the down payment for an apartment. We hear that a lot of newly- weds end up turning their gifts into cash anyway. Please help us to figure out how we can ask for cash politely.

A In my opinion, the tide has changed because the trend nowadays is to come clean with what you want upfront. Nobody has time to return unwanted wedding gifts. Many young marrieds work long hours and would rather spend their free time in any way other than standing in post office lines to send presents back to the store. If you want monetary gifts, include an "At Home" card along with your invitation that not only lists the newlyweds' address, but these words underneath: "In lieu of a present, a small check towards a down payment for an apartment would be gratefully appreciated." Let me reiterate that you would not put that request on the actual wedding invitation, but on a separate insert card that matches the invitation. On that "At Home" card, remember to use the exact names that appear on your joint bank account. Most of your wedding guests will understand that you want to make it easy for them to send a monetary gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Both Parents Are Remarried
Q What is the correct order for writing the names of parents on our wedding ceremony? Both sets of parents are divorced and remarried.

A For a Christian wedding, only the bride's parents are listed, so even if the parents have remarried, it would go like this with the mother's new name first:

Mrs. John William Stuart
and
Mr. George Henry Herrick
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Rose
to
Mr. Donald McDonald Smith

In the Jewish faith, the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name; the mother's name would come first and the father's name would be under hers. As in the following:

Mrs. John Gross Loeb
and
Mr. David Lehman Schwartz
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Jessica
to
Mr. Lawrence Ross Malkin
son of
Mrs. Ronald Abrams Roth
and
Mr. Isaac Ross Malkin

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Mother Is Remarried
Q My daughter, Amanda, is getting married in the fall. I myself remarried two months ago, and this situation has put us in a quandary: how to word her wedding invitation. Some time back we'd decided that we'd use my first name, then my own family last name, then her father's last name, which I have continued to use even through an intervening marriage; hence: Mary Smith Simpson and George Warren Simpson invite you...etc. When I married my current husband, I kept Simpson as my name, though I'm also recognized as Harris, his last name. Most of those invited are friends of my daughter, few of my current husband and me. My daughter is most comfortable with Simpson, though she says the wording is completely up to me. My husband leaves the decision entirely to me. Which of these choices do you advise me to use?

Mary Smith Simpson
Mary Smith Harris
Mary Simpson Harris



A Because this is your daughter's wedding, you need to use the name that best identifies you in your current marital status. Assuming that it is a fairly formal wedding---that it is not Hawaiian shirts and shorts---you need to pick a style and stick to it. That makes everything gracefully fall in line. If this is an evening black tie wedding with a seated dinner, then consider it formal, even if it is not white tie. If it is dark suits or blazers and ties, then it is semiformal. If it falls into either of these two categories and the ceremony is taking place in a church or other house of worship, then the invitation would read:

Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris
and
Mr. George Warren Simpson
request the honor of your presence
(or, "pleasure of your company")
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth (or Amanda Smith)
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and seven
at five o'clock in the evening
St. James Church
New York City

Everybody is going to know that you are Amanda's mother because you are doing the inviting. Please take into account that this wedding is all about Amanda and her fiancé. If Amanda is becoming Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens, then for her wedding you are Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris, because that is the style that she has inadvertently chosen. If Amanda's middle name is Smith, then let it appear as a family name used as a middle name after Amanda, as in Jane Smith, instead of Jane Elizabeth. (Since I don't know Jane's middle name, I randomly picked Elizabeth.) It will be assumed that because the father's name is Simpson that Amanda's last name is Simpson, too, which is why it would be redundant to have Amanda listed as Amanda Smith Simpson.

In my opinion, you do not need to use your first name or your ex-husband's name because his last name and Amanda's last name are already crystal-clear on the invitation. It would be silly to use Mrs. Mary Smith Simpson, Mrs. Mary Smith Harris, or Mrs. Mary Simpson Harris because it makes it sound as though you are divorced and you are not. You are married and this invitation is all about marriage.

If this is an informal wedding, then go ahead and use one of the three alternatives that you gave me because anything goes. As I said, it is much easier to pick a style and stick to it because you can fall back on that style throughout the decision making process. The details of a wedding can be overwhelming and you will be happy that you decided on one style and stuck to it.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Parents' Names Omitted
Q The groom's parents are paying for the wedding and by "mistake" they left the names of the bride's parents off the wedding invitation completely and they have already been mailed out. It has caused a potentially devastating situation with the wedding. Do you have any ideas on how to correct this?
Thank you.

A In my opinion, the best way to save face at this point is to have the bride's parents host the rehearsal dinner. That way they will be identified and acknowledged. The rehearsal dinner does not have to be extravagant and others can help with the cost; however, only the bride's parents' names should appear on the rehearsal dinner invitation. There is no rule carved in stone that says that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, so: just switch it around. Don't make a big deal out of it, just quietly send out the rehearsal dinner invitations to a select group that includes the bridal party and closest family and friends. The word will get out. At the wedding reception, the groom can toast the bride's family for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Alternatively, the bride's family could host the wedding day brunch, if the couple are being married in the afternoon or evening, or the post-wedding brunch the following day. This is not a devastating situation, it is totally repairable, if you don't make a big deal about the "mistake."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: By Hand
Q If I am addressing formal invitations and I will be hand-carrying some to the invited, is there a certain "verbage" that I place on the envelope to show that their particular invitation was hand-delivered?

A In the lower left hand corner of the outside envelope write, "By Hand."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Excell Spread Sheet Listing
Q Husband and wife are both doctors and wife kept her maidan name. I have names in excell and am doing a mail merger.
How do I address them?

A Put both names under the person who is your friend or put them alphabetically, but list them both under one name so that you'll only have to look for the name that they are listed under:

Anderson, Dr. Alice & Dr. Robert Barker

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest of Guest
Q I am having a wedding this April and I have a question about invitations. If I am only using an outer envelope, what is the proper way to say..and guest? I have been invited to weddings where I have been allowed to bring a guest, but this has been stated on the outer not the inner envelope. The type of invite I am sending is only going to allow me to have an outer.
thank you
wendy

A You know what? It gets complicated when you don't know the name of the guest of the guest. A good bride knows exactly who is coming to her wedding. So, you need to email or call your friend and say, "If you would like to bring a date to my wedding, would you please give me her/his name and address, so that we can make her feel personally invited?" Then he/she will get back to you. When speaking with that guest, say that you need the name for her/his place card. Not a big deal. You're just a good bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Some to Ceremony and All to the Reception
Q My fiance and I are planning a small private wedding with a larger reception afterwards. How do you word the invitations to the guests that are only being invited to the reception? (the reception is being paid for by the bride's parents and the bride and groom).

A You would have two sets on invitations: one to the wedding that states "and at the reception immediately following" and another just for the reception.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the presence of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
on Saturday, the first of May
at five o'clock
Trinity Church
and at the reception immediately following
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Then the second invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
and
Mr. William Shakespeare
after the ceremony
on Saturday, the first of May
at seven o'clock
at the Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing Remarried Parents
Q My stepdaughter is getting married soon. Both of her parents are remarried. The mother lives in the USA with me and the father in Europe.

In a Christian marriage, typically the biologoical parent gives away their own daughter. As this will not be possible (father cannot travel from Europe), should I ask his permission to stand in his stead and perform this for him?

Also, in both engagement and wedding announcements how would I word it? Would I include myself as part of the "parents section" as the stepfather, or only my daughter's biological father, or both of us and if so, how would I word it?

Though her real father is a fine gentleman, making the trip or helping financially is not an option for him. Still, I would like to him to enjoy his involvement to the extent he can and to be sure he is given proper consideration. Our blended families are on very good terms. Do you have any suggestions?

Thank You........Bob

A It would be better if the bride asked her biological father for his permission for you to give his daughter away in marriage. For a traditional Christian marriage, the birth parents are listed on the invitation. In a not so traditional marriage, the invitation can list the birth parents and step-parents. But you have to remember that the traditional wording seems awkward when you use "their daughter." So, if you don't mind not taking that phrase literally, you can use it. Nowadays, the lines of etiquette are fairly flexible about that kind of thing. The important thing to remember is that the wedding couple should be comfortable with the arrangements.

The announcement would be from the birth parents, listing the stepparents towards the end of the newspaper announcement. Look at announcements in your local newspaper and follow the style of that paper. As for the invitation, you would lead with the name of the birth mother and stepfather, followed by the name of the birth father and stepmother:

Mr. and Mrs. William Samuel Thornton
and
Mr. and Mrs. John Lawrence Smith
request
the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Louise
to
Mr. Charles Sherman Dickens
Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and ten
at six o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

It goes without saying, that you would insert your own information and these lines would be centered on the front of the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Missing Reply Card
Q Some friends from out of state are throwing an engagement party in the city I live in for their son and his fiancee, who grew up here. They're having the party at a private club to which I belong. I agreed to act as their "sponsor" so they can have the party there, which I'm happy to do.

I just received the wedding invitation. It included an envelope for my response, but no response card. Perhaps I lost it, but I don't think so. Perhaps they forgot it, or perhaps they just sent it to me because they thought I'd be interested to see it. How do I politely ask about it without assuming I'm invited to the wedding? FYI, the bride's family is from India and the invitation is very different from traditional Western-style invitations.



A Handwrite your response on your stationery and send it in the envelope that was enclosed with the invitation. You would write: Mr. Elliot Stultz and Mr. Marc Nied accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So's kind invitation for June 30th. Assembling wedding invitations is a process and it is possible that your reply card just didn't get into the outside mailing envelope. There is no reason to say anything to the friend because it was a mistake and calling attention to the missing card isn't necessary. On the other hand, since you are the sponsor and therefore want the friend to look good, you might pick up the phone and say, "I think that you should know that there was an oversight...." Who knows, the friend might say that in India, traditionally, the host only sends a reply envelope. By the way, you were obviously invited or you wouldn't have been sent the invitation or the reply envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride Using Her Title
Q Our daughter is getting married next Spring and since I am a woman clergy person, how do we address the wedding invitations? My husband is uncomfortable with The Reverend and Mr., but other clergy will be invited. Do I become Mrs. for the invitations? If we used the Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe request the honour of your presence, wouldn't it seem that we are divorced? Please help.

A If your husband was a doctor, wouldn't he use the title of "Dr." on the invitation? I think so. Socially, you and your husband are The Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe. Nowadays, it will not be perceived that you are divorced, if you are listed as The Reverend Jane Doe. Do remember that the "The" with a capital T is important. By the way, if you have a doctorate, your married name is actually The Reverend Dr. Jane Doe.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Old Friend Not Invited
Q An old friend is getting married. I would like to send her a gift even though she didn't invite me to the wedding. Here are some details to consider:
-we didn't always have the best of times as friends; she was often jealous of me; what's worse is she liked the man I am married to and pursued him, but he didn't like her back and we ended up getting married so there still may be some hard feelings there.
-she told me a few months back that she would invite me to the wedding; either she forgot or she found some reason to hate me and so she didn't invite me.
-I wouldn't want this to come off as my begging for an invitation.
Thanks!



A Traditionally, when you are invited to a wedding and attend, you are expected to send a gift; if you are not invited and therefore don't attend, then you do not send a gift. If you do send a gift anyway, indeed it will come off as begging for an invitation. However, If you would like to sustain the friendship, for better or for worse, give the friend a poke to remind her that you exist. Invite her for lunch. She will either come clean about why she's not inviting you, or apologize for the "oversight." If in the end she does invite you, be sure to ask her where she is registered and send them an extra nice wedding present. Yes, you can probably find out where she is registered on the weddingchannel.com and send her a gift, but there is something divisive and devious about sending a wedding present to someone who hasn't invited you to her wedding. Either try to make amends, or forget it.

Is it possible that your husband once hooked up with her, dumped her, and she doesn't want him at the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Program
Q Hi, please help to have a list for wedding reception programs, tips for the wedding coordinator. Thank you!


A Usually when the wedding couple meet with the minister at the church, they will be given a packet of information, which often includes a program from a prior wedding. Follow the style of the church or house of worship for a formal wedding. There are different forms depending upon the formality of the wedding. A good stationery store should have programs in the same style as the wedding invitation. An informal invitation would have an informal program with, say, the bride, her family, and bridesmaids listed on the left leaf and the groom's information on the right. In the center, you would then list the program from the procession to the recessional. The music director of the church will help the wedding couple choose the music and the hymns. Nowadays many churches have Web sites where you can hear music that is traditionally used for weddings. The minister can suggest various readings and passages. As a way of personalizing the program, often the wedding couple have favorite passages from the bible or poetry that friends will read and those readers' names and the passage they are reading would be listed on the program. Two readers would be enough, and those passages should be kept short. To find tips for the wedding coordinator, return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and click on Frequently Asked Questions and then Wedding Etiquette, where you will see lots of information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Regretting After Accepting
Q We accepted a wedding invitation and also told our daughter that we would babysit her one-year-old overnight (we were in the midst of selling our house, moving to a rental while building our new home}. Not that this is excusable but what is the least awkward way to write a note to explain our inability to attend the wedding. Thank you.

A In my opinion, if you haven't already done so, you would immediately send your wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry so that you are assured that you are giving the wedding couple exactly what they want and need. The store will immediately notify the wedding couple of your purchase. If the wedding date is soon, then pick up the phone and telephone the hostess. If the wedding invitation has the bride's parents as the hosts, then call the bride's mother as soon as possible. Tell her that you were so hoping that you and Steve could attend Julie's wedding but you find that you have your own unexpected family obligations that you have to attend to and that you are very sorry but you are unable to attend after all. If the wedding is a ways off, then you can write a note on your best social stationery. The greatest excuse to use is that you are busy with your family and in your case it is a real excuse, so use it. You do not have to go into great detail, sometimes the less said the better. Just be sincere and to the point.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Responding When You Don't Know the Wedding Couple
Q An older friend of 2 years has a granddaughter out-of-state getting married next month. Somehow I ended up on the invitation list....do I have to send a gift?

A If you have not met the granddaughter, then you are not under any obligation to send a gift. In order to sustain the relationship with the older friend, you would want to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the bride to acknowledge the invitation. However, if the older friend, say, recently gave a member of your close family a wedding present, then you might want to reciprocate by sending a small gift from the bridal registry to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: RSVP
Q How do we decide on the RSVP by dates? Our wedding is Nov. 3rd. Is a month before too long or does the RSVP response date need to be closer to the wedding date......like say maybe, just 2 weeks before the wedding date? How do we determine an appropriate date? Could you please answer as soon as possible so I can print the RSVP's. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Terri

A This is a question for the caterer or banquet manager. Whoever is in charge of the food will need two weeks to ten days notice in order to know how much food and how much waitstaff are needed for your wedding. Customarily, the RSVP date is ten days before the wedding. Chances are you will need to give the caterer a total count ten days in advance of the reception; however, the caterer will allow for a certain amount of wiggle room because young people especially are notoriously late at responding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Setting Limitations on Small Children
Q How do I request no children unless it is a must? Some of the family won't come without them. It is informal and I do want our gandchildren there. I don't want to be a snob. Help me!!

A All weddings wrestle with this dilemma of how to include the grandchildren, but not have the wedding become an open house for families without babysitters. The wedding is all about the bride and groom and crying babies during the church service are not fair to the wedding couple. Nor are tantrums on the dance floor when small children become over stimulated from the cake and the music. The inside envelope lists the given names of the children who are included in the invitation, under Mr. and Mrs. Doe. If there is not an inside invitation, their given names are listed under the parents' names, Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, on the outside envelope. Therefore, if you are happy to have the ten-year- old and twelve-year-old but not the new born baby, only the given names of the ten-year-old and twelve- year-old would appear on the inside envelope of the invitation. If the parents respond adding the name of the newborn, you pick up the phone and say that you are unable to accommodate more than a certain amount of children due to the fire code or that you cannot have children under a certain age. Tell out-of-town guests that you would be happy to give them the names and phone numbers of reliable babysitters. At some weddings where there are many very small children, a couple of babysitters are enlisted to take care of the children during the wedding; the kids actually have their own "party." By word of mouth you can get the word out that you will only be able to accommodate children who are close family, or, say, children who are sixteen years or older. You will need to stick to your boundaries once you set them, or you might be accused of favoritism, but it can be done; it is done all the time.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Tissue
Q What's your view of tissue paper with the wedding invitation? Is it really necessary? How do you use it?

A Tissue paper is totally unnecessary. It was useful in the past, but nowadays the ink dries much quicker. So they say. In my opinion, you do not have to order tissue paper, but if the printer sends it, use it. However, do have the inside envelopes lined with tissue because it looks quite nice. When I find that some of the return reply envelopes come back slightly smudged, I am always glad that I used the free tissue. Having the reply envelope with the address facing the invitation without tissue paper dividers could have been a disaster.

At any rate, the tissue paper is wicked to use. It can be a struggle separating it without wetting your finger slightly to dislodge it from its neighbor. I find that despite the struggle, I like using the tissue for the invitation, the reply card, and a third sheet for the reception card.

So, if you have a lot of patience, use the free tissue because it helps to make a tidy package. A large tissue covers the invitation; on top of that place the stamped, self-addressed reply card envelope with the address facing the invitation and the flap facing you so that you can tuck the card underneath the flap with additional tissue separating any smaller cards in descending order.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: To the Groom's Family
Q Is it proper for the groom's parents get a wedding invatation?????

A Yes, you would send the groom's parents an invitation to their son's wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Father + Stepmother Host Wedding
Q My parents are divorced, and my father is remarried. My mother is not. My father and stepmother are hosting my wedding. How should the invitations be worded?

A Even though your father and stepmother are hosting the wedding, if your mother is still alive, her name should be on the wedding ceremony invitation. The return address on the invitation envelope and the address on the response envelope will tell people who is hosting the wedding. In theory, only your birth parents, or the closest blood relative, can give you away in marriage at the ceremony. So a proper invitation would read:

Mrs. Charlotte Hines Winslow
and
Mr. George Williams Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
Mr. Donald Stuart Ross
on Saturday, March tenth
two thousand and seven
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Otherwise, an acceptable alternative is:

Mr. and Mrs. George Wilson Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mr. Winslow's daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
.......

In both situations, the bride's mother's name would be on the program as mother of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Guests Do Not Reply
Q When you send out invitations with an RSVP deadline and that deadline passes with some individuals not responding, do you contact them to see if they plan to attend or is a no response to be considered a "no"?

A If you are seating tables, say, for a dinner dance or a wedding reception, you definitely need to know if the person is attending and whether or not the person is planning on bringing a guest because you will want them to have a place card with their name on it. Believe it or not, a lot of people just show up thinking that replying to an invitation is not important. Usually when there is a deadline, that is the signal that a response is important, if you want to be seated at the dinner. Nevertheless, you cannot just assume that no response means that the person will not just show up because the person could even turn up with a date and then you'll have to scramble around for two extra places. Pick up the phone or email the people who have not responded and say something such as this, "We are having the place cards done for the dinner this week and we are hoping that you are planning on attending." By prefacing or ending your sentence with the tone that you "hope that they are planning on coming," you will sound less anxious and therefore less scolding. If there is a rather breezy tone to the conversation, then it will seem that your being nonchalant was as natural as their not having responded. Never assume that no response is a regret. In my opinion, if you don't follow up on the people who haven't replied, you will have to be prepared to seat them if they show up. Another problem is that sometimes people will leave, say, a voice mail on the wrong phone number or replied via email but didn't type in the right address, but have no way of knowing that they have made a mistake. So if an invited guest transposed a couple of numbers when replying to tell you that he is bringing a date, then when they arrive you will have to treat them like you would treat all the other guests---graciously.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Parents Are Divorced
Q How do I word wedding invitations when my parents are divorced? My dad is remarried. My mom is not remarried and still uses my dad's last name.

A This situation is more common than you think. The first thing that you have to remember is that traditionally it is your birth parents who are giving you away in marriage. Therefore, the invitation would read as follows (inserting your own information and centering the lines on the invitation):

Mrs. Caroline Adams Ryan
and
Mr. Charles Winslow Ryan
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie Abbot
to
Mr. George Drexel Winthrop

As you can see by the words "their daughter," traditionally the stepparent would not be giving the daughter away in marriage. However, nowadays many stepparents are as close to the bride as the real parent and so the stepparent is sometimes listed on the invitation, too. If that is the case, you would add your stepmother this way: Mr. and Mrs. Charles Winslow Ryan. It is up to the bride as to whether she wants to have her stepparent listed on her wedding invitation, or not.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When There Is No Reply Card
Q How do you respond to a wedding invitation which asks for a response and there is no response card?

A Your host assumes that you know how to respond to a wedding invitation and therefore doesn't enable you with a reply card. On your best social stationery substitute your own information and center these lines.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation for June 24th

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording
Q My stepdaughter is getting married. Relations with the ex-wife and husband are good between my husband and me. I am in charge of the invitations and we are in agreement that it will say: "Mr.& Mrs. Them and Mr. & Mrs. Us request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter." My question is, which names should come first, the mother's or the father's?

A The problem with doing it your way is that, in fact, your stepdaughter only has two birth parents, a mother and a father. The birth parents give their daughter away in marriage. The stepparents can't give somebody else's daughter away. Think logically about the word "their." Only the birth parents' names are on the wedding invitation. When the bride's parents are divorced, the mother's name appears on the first line of the invitation and the father's name appears on the second line. The stepparents are acknowledged in the wedding program. I am sorry to disappoint you, but the word "their" means the birth parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Party Following Destination Wedding
Q My fiance and I are getting married in Cancun, Mexico, and sent out messages in a bottle to everyone which doubled as a save the date invitation as well as an invite to the wedding in Cancun. Upon our return from Cancun, we plan to have a recepetion here for guests that could not attend the destination wedding. I was wondering how to word the invitation for just the reception here, in our hometown.

A If you are hosting the party and sending out the invitation then you might use this substituting your own information:

Jill and David Winston
request the pleasure of your company
in celebrating their recent marriage
(in Cancun, Mexico June 16th)----not necessary
on Saturday, July 10th
seven o'clock
864 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000 (if you don't have a reply card)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations for Separated Siblings
Q What is the proper invitation etiquette for married but separated siblings of the bride?

A You would pick up the phone and ask the siblings if they would like separate invitations sent to their ex-spouse. If they say yes, then you get the address and send an invitation. So: separated couples receive a separate invitation at the discretion of the sibling.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations to Groom's Family Friends
Q The wedding invitations which the bride's parents had printed only include the names of the bride, groom and bride's parents. As parents of the groom, we are concerned that some of our elderly and out-of-town relatives who do not often see our children and have never met the bride may not recognize their names and will be confused or unsure of whose wedding they have been invited to....however if they were to see our names somewhere, they would immediately know who the groom is. We, ourselves, have been in the uncomfortable situation of receiving an invitation and not realizing until it was too late that the groom was the son of a relative we only see at family reunions, weddings, or funerals. We are addressing and mailing the invitations to our side of the family, so we were wondering if it would be appropriate to include a personal note letting guests know that the groom is our son..and if so how it should be worded? Or is there some other way to handle this situation? Thank you!

A One of the many excellent reasons why the groom's family traditionally hosts the rehearsal dinner is that it gives the groom's parents a chance for name recognition. However, your situation sounds a bit more complicated because you have included on your guest list to the wedding people who you are not close to any longer. You might want to send each of these people you are worried about a short handwritten note on your stationery telling them about the upcoming marriage of your son and giving little details about the bride and groom, their jobs, where they are planning to live after they marry. Then when they receive your son's wedding invitation they will know who is. Older people especially love receiving old-fashioned letters from friends catching them up on their lives. Alternatively, you might telephone them or write some and telephone others. Weddings are a great opportunity to reconnect with old acquaintances and relatives you haven't seen in a while.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations with "and Guest"
Q When receiving a wedding invitation should they be addressed to the person and GUEST if not addressed to a married couple? In my family of 4, myself divorced, and my girls all single, 2 came & GUEST and 2 just had our names and no GUEST. My one daughter was very upset by this and wanted to know.
Thank you in advance.
D. Davison

A Customarily, you would not see "and guest" because the primary guest would have been asked personally if she wanted to bring a guest and an invitation would have been sent to her guest and his name would be on the guest list. You certainly might call the mother or the bride or the bride and say that you are a bit confused. "Are you inviting my girls to bring escorts or not?" Act as if there must have been an oversight and do not mention the bad manners. Keep the conversation simple, just that one sentence. Do not drone on about the details and injustice.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Addressing Envelopes
Q When addressing invitation envelopes to unmarried couples, and you know both of them, what is the etiquette for addressing the envelope?

A If the couple is living at the same address and it is a semiformal or informal wedding, then you might put both names on one envelope with the woman's name first. If it is a formal wedding, then you would address separate envelopes to both, even if they live at the same address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Destination Wedding
Q Do I send ivitations for a destination wedding?


A You probably will want to set up a wedding Web site with click-ons for the itinerary, transportation and accommodation information, bridal registry information, etc. For a destination wedding, you would telephone the guests to invite them in person and get an instant acceptance or regret. If a guest is a single person and might want to bring along a date, you would get the date's email address and the correct spelling of the name at that time. You will need to have a fairly accurate count of who is coming in order to negotiate a reasonable deal on hotel accommodations and for the guest to get the least expensive airline tickets. After making your guest list, which would include email addresses, you can decide if you really need to send out a formal invitation or if your wedding Web site will reach all those invited. If not, you can always print out the information and mail it to the guest who is not on a computer. Whatever you decide about the invitation, you will probably want to send a packet of information for the guests with perhaps a map of the area of the destination and a brochure of the hotel, even if there is a link to the resort on your wedding Web site. This is helpful so that they know how to pack and dress, and which sports are available at the resort. For instance, at some resorts you can only play tennis in "Whites Only." If there is horseback riding, you might want to bring a pair of jeans and short boots. A destination wedding is an intimate group and you will want to know exactly who is coming and who they are bringing, when exactly they are arriving and departing. So: a destination wedding is all about good communication between the wedding couple and each and every guest. For instance, if you find out that some of your guests are arriving on the same flight, you might send a van for them and give the names of the guests to the driver; the guests could share the expense instead of paying for separate taxis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Guest Bringing Guest
Q Is it proper to ask a date to attend a wedding or party with me if my invitation did not include 'and guest' ?





A A guest does not invite a guest to a wedding unless the envelope specifically states "and Guest." In that case, you would write in the name of the guest so that guest has her or his own place card. If you are the only one invited, you would not just randomly bring a guest because if the wedding or party is a seated dinner, your "guest" would not have a seat and that would be embarrassing for you, the guest, and the host.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Guest Bringing Guest
Q I was invited to a black tie wedding and the invitation was addressed to me only. However, the RSVP card asks the name(s) of those attending and how many will be attending. Can I bring a date?

A No, you cannot just bring a date if the envelope was addressed to one person. Only if the envelope included the words "and Guest" after your name, would you fill in the name of the guest. If you weren't invited to bring a guest and you would like to bring a guest, then telephone the bride or groom and ask if you can bring a guest. The bride or groom might have to confer with the bride's mother to see how the numbers are going before giving you the go-ahead. If there is dancing, the hosts will be concerned that there are enough men for the women to dance with and, therefore will want to keep the numbers of single men and women fairly even. Also, as you probably know, at most seated dinners there is boy, girl, boy, girl seating. If it is a go, you would write out the full name of your guest on the reply card because a black tie wedding is often seated dinner with place cards and you would want to be sure that your guest had a place card, too. Your guest would be responsible for sending a wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry, if you do not offer to do it for him or her. Your guest would also write a thank-you to the bride's parents for including her or him at their daughter's wedding. The reason that there is the optional letter "s" in the word "names" is because just as often as not the invitation is addressed to a married couple. Also, sometimes when a couple is invited only one is able to attend. So, it is more efficient to have one reply card that includes the optional plural, than have two reply cards printed up. Chances are if you have been invited to come solo, it means that there will be enough of the opposite sex to even out the sexes. Remember that it costs the bride's family well over a hundred dollars per person for each guest, so you would want to be sure to give a wedding gift of equal cost, which means inviting a guest would double the cost of your wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Guests Inviting Guests
Q My niece wants to invite friends to her wedding and on some invitations the option of bringing a guest is allowed and others not allowed. In one situation the couple is married and she only wants the husband to attend. I do not agree. How should we handle this.

A Remember it is your niece and her fiance's wedding, so they can invite whomever they please. However, in my opinion, it would be rude and mean to invite only one spouse. If she doesn't want the wife, then she has to decide whether or not to invite the couple. Suggest to her that she should put herself in the wife's shoes. How would she feel if her husband was invited to a wedding but she wasn't? As to inviting single people just by themselves or to invite them to invite a guest: this is best done on an individual basis. If there is dancing at the wedding, she needs to keep track of how many men with whom the women can dance. Also, if it is a seated dinner, she would want to seat the tables girl-boy-girl-boy because it is a heterosexual wedding. Therefore, it is best if she invites extra singles as singles so that everyone gets to get out on the dance floor. If, say, a friend is in a committed relationship and is living with a partner, then she should include "and guest," or better yet she should find out the full name of the partner and include it on the envelope of the invitation. Nowadays, partners are treated as spouses and are always included in the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Inside Envelope with Given Names
Q On the inside envelope of a formal wedding invitation to very close freinds I would rather use the married couple's first name instead of Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Which name goes first, the man's or woman's? Is it okay to use their first names? They will think it odd if I write Mr. and Mrs. Brown.

A If the wedding is formal enough to use inside envelopes, then you would use Mr. and Mrs. Brown. It is fun and the recipient knows that it is a formal invitation. It is never okay to use just first names on the inside invitation. Keep to your style and stick to it, otherwise guests get confused when you send them mixed messages.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Return Address
Q When mailing wedding invitations, is it proper to put a return address on the envelope?

A You most definitely want to have your return address on the envelope because you will be surprised at how many envelopes come back just because one number is wrong in the address or two numbers have been switched. Also, if the zip code is not perfect, it will come to you. Unfortunately, if it does come back to you, it might take up to three weeks to be returned. So: address your envelopes carefully. You might also want to take your envelopes to a post office that will hand cancel the stamps because many of the new machines destroy wedding envelopes, which tend to be larger than ordinary envelopes.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitations: Save the Date
Q Should a 'save the date' card match the invitation?

A The STD does not have to match the invitation; however, you might want to find a subtle theme or color scheme that you can carry out on the paper products and décor. For instance, a recent Newport wedding had a navy blue anchor on the STD, because the wedding couple sail, the anchor signifies hope, and navy blue was one of their colors. The anchor was not on the invitation, but there was a navy blue anchor printed on the USPS stamps, a sixty-three cent stamp for the invitation outer envelope and a thirty-nine cent stamp for the reply card envelope, and the calligraphy; all the printing was done in the same dark blue ink. The gift bags were navy blue with a white anchor above the couple's name, and there were match books and hand towels that had the couple's first names along with the anchor. The post-wedding brunch invitation had a different nautical theme of nautical flags spelling out their names. The bridesmaids' luncheon invitation had a mermaid theme. So, as you can see, there was a subtle nautical theme throughout, but it wasn't over done. The key is to pick your colors, go with your theme, and touch on those sparingly to tie all the elements of the event together. You do not necessarily have to use something symbolic such as an anchor, but deciding on a color theme from the start is crucial. Many couples these days will link their initials in a monogram that works as their symbol, or logo, even using their monogram on the USPS stamps and embossed on the paper goods. By the way, customized stamps can be ordered on-line through the USPS at no additional charge. There is no rule carved in stone stating that the STD and the invitation have to match, but you will see that it is much chicer when there is a recognizable element or two that carries the spirit of the wedding couple from the engagement party through to the post-wedding brunch. If used subtly, it will reflect the wedding couple's charm.

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