Wedding Etiquette: Invitation List: Inviting Gay Relative to My Straight Wedding
Q Dear Didi,

We're making up the invitation list for our wedding in October. My favorite cousin is engaged to another man and they hope to marry around the same time. Whether they are married or not, my parents don't want them invited. What should I do? I just don't know how to talk to him about it. Should I tell my cousin that I want him to come, but if he brings his fiance, it would make my parents uncomfortable? I'm sure we can convince my parents that if he's invited to come solo, he'll come alone. L.D., Providence


A Dear L.D.,

In etiquette, family trumps politics. It would be insulting for your family if your favorite cousin was invited to your wedding with the stipulation that he leave his fiance at home. What you may find between now and October (in six months), is that your parents will get used to the notion. Studies show that a third of the population will acquiesce and accept the fact that a family member is bringing his or her same-sex partner to a family event. Give your parents the benefit of the doubt, and you may well find that by October their small stunted ways have evolved.

This is your fiance's and your wedding and whether your parents are paying for it or not, you should be with those you love the most on your special day. Be a big girl and invite them both. ~Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: 2nd, II, Jr. and Sr.
Q I am addressing the RSVP envelopes for my wedding. My husband is a"second" last name to his father. The family uses a II not sr or jr. How do I put this on the envelope? Do I use the number II or II?

A Hold on. When men in a family have the exact same names but are from different generations, the Roman numeral two (II) and '2nd' are used after the last name only by the nephew of the senior. Senior's son uses Jr. and Jr.'s son can use the Roman numeral for three (III), but the son of the senior is always Jr. (Junior). II after the last name means that the first family member to have the name did not name his son after himself or didn't have a son.

Maybe this will help:

Number One: Mr. John Jay Adams (Senior)
Mr. John Jay Adams, Jr. (son of the above)
Mr. John Jay Adams, II (nephew of number one)
Mr. John Jay Adams, III, (grandson of number one)

Senior is used when a father and son with exactly the same name live in the same community to distinguish the father from the son. You would only use Sr. (for Senior), if the father and son lived in the same house or community.

In this instance, only if your husband's father is the nephew - not the son - of the original person who bore that name, would he use II. It would not be correct for your husband to use III, if his father wasn't Jr. (Junior) if your husband is the great nephew of the original person with that name.

We like hearing from you. If I have not made this clear, please get back to me.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Abreviatiing Titles
Q Hello,
Can you tell me if it is acceptable to abbreviate my father's rank of Colonel to Col. on my wedding invitation since it will be difficult to fit Colonel and Mrs. Scott "last name" on the invitation?
Thank you!

A On a formal invitation, you would spell out the title, some people even spell out "Doctor," instead of abbreviating it, or "The Honorable," instead of abbreviating it. Perhaps there is a way that you could make the font slightly smaller or perhaps change the word "and" to the ampersand symbol, &.

If this is not a formal wedding, then by all means, use the abbreviation of Col. instead of writing out the title. Another way you can do it, if you wish to spell out Colonel is to put your parents titles on the top line and the rest of the name on the line underneath:

Colonel and Mrs.
Scott Wigglesworth

Also, don't forget that if this is a formal invitation, you want to spell out all middle names.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Accepting
Q How do I write a handwritten reply to a wedding invitation?

A Center these lines on your nicest personal stationery, inserting your own information:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Accepting + Regretting on a Wedding RSVP Card
Q What is the proper way to respond on a wedding rsvp card?

A If you are accepting the wedding invitation, you might center these lines and change the names and date to read something like this:


Mr. Hamilton Bissel
accepts with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation
for Saturday, the tenth of June

If you are regretting the wedding invitation, you might say:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
sincerely regret
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare
for Saturday, the tenth of June

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Adding a Note to the Reply Card
Q I was invited to a wedding coming up shortly, and the invitation had a reply card, but I wanted to add a little more than just replying "Yes." Do you have any suggestions?

A Why not hold off and incorporate your sentiments into your thank-you note after you've attended the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Address On Wedding Invitation: Parents Divorced
Q Ok so I am getting married in August of 2012 and I am starting to get all of my things around for the invitations. I have a question about the return address on the outside of the main envelope. My parents are the ones paying for the wedding but they are divorced so where you would normally put Mr. & Mrs. Daniel Smittendorf should I put Mr. Daniel Smittendorf & Ms. Vickie Smittendorf or do I put mine and my fiance's name so Nathan & Darci or do I simply put The Smittendorfs? My wedding is taking place at my mother's home in her back yard and then the reception at a small community center so I it is a fairly informal wedding but still formal enough that I feel I need clarification on this. Any information would be helpful! Thanks!

A The return address on the envelope of the wedding invitation can just be the address. You wouldn't necessarily have to have a name unless the address is that of an apartment building. If you're not comfortable not having a name, just use the last name Smittendorf. The names of the hosts (your parents) will be on the wedding invitation. You only need the return address on the envelope so that the invitation is returned to the sender's address because the address of the guest is wrong or out of date.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Deceased Navy or Coast Guard Commander
Q How is a deceased military person listed in a wedding announcement? As in:
Grandson of the later Cdr. XXXXX, USN, Retired?

A Assuming you mean the wedding announcement that the family places in the newspaper, it would be Commander Charles Dickens. You would not use the word Retired because it is a social situation; nor would you use USN. As the rank of Commander is only used in the Navy and Coast Guard, it would not be used socially either.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Judge and a Doctor
Q How would I address a wedding invitation to a judge and his doctor wife?

A Socially, on the outside wedding invitation envelope it would be:

Judge Theodore Greene and Dr. Elizabeth Greene.
Their address

Or, if the two names are too long to go on one line, use two lines and indent the second line:

Judge Theodore Greene
and Dr. Elizabeth Greene
Their address

The inside envelope would read:

Judge and Dr. Greene

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Judge and a Doctor
Q How would I address a wedding invitation to a judge and his doctor wife?

A Socially, on the outside wedding invitation envelope it would be:

Judge Theodore Greene and Dr. Elizabeth Greene.
Their address

Or, if the two names are too long to go on one line, use two lines and indent the second line:

Judge Theodore Greene
and Dr. Elizabeth Greene
Their address

The inside envelope would read:

Judge and Dr. Greene

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing a Major and Her Lt. Col. Husband
Q Didi,

You have helped me with past etiquette questions and here is another one.

I need some advice on how to address a wedding invitation where a military couple is being reassigned from England to the States and will not have a proper mailing address when the invitations to my son's wedding are sent. This is for my niece and her husband. My brother suggested the invitation come to his address and he and his wife will pass the invitation on to the couple. Is the following how the outside envelope should read? Please advise.

Lieutenant Colonel John Smith
and Major Elizabeth Smith
c/o Mr. and Mrs. William Brown
5421 Main Street
Anywhere, Missouri 12345

Thank you.

Dottie Hempel

A You are perfectly correct.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Children on the Envelope
Q Wedding invitations. No inside envelope. Where would you but notation that children are invited to wedding?

Mr & Mrs. & Family ???

A You wouldn't address the children on the outside envelope, just the inside envelope. When there is no inside envelope then in the upper left hand corner of the invitation you would write out all the first names of all the family members you are inviting. Remember that any child eighteen or older receives his/her own invitation. Old enough to vote, old enough to get your own invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Envelopes
Q When addressing invitation envelopes to unmarried couples, and you know both of them, what is the etiquette for addressing the envelope?

A If the couple is living at the same address and it is a semiformal or informal wedding, then you might put both names on one envelope with the woman's name first. If it is a formal wedding, then you would address separate envelopes to both, even if they live at the same address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Etiquette
Q A friend's daughter has asked me to address her wedding invitations. She had her address printed in her colors (mauve) on the back of the envelope. I can print these on the computer in script and in her color. Would that be proper or should it be in black ink? Would it be more proper for them to be handwritten?

I need an answer ASAP

A If this is a formal or even semi-formal wedding, you need to write out the addresses by hand in the same color ink as the return address. Of course, you don't have to do it this way, but you asked and this is my opinion.

However, you can write them out in longhand, you don't have to be as precise as you do when you use calligraphy. Writing them out in longhand makes the guest feel special. Printing them out doesn't make them feel special.

In my opinion, printed out addresses are tacky, especially for a wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Etiquette: Former American Ambassador
Q How do I address the outer and inner envelopes on a wedding invitation to a former ambassador to the United Kingdom? He is in another line of work now.

A Career ambassadors continue to be addressed as Ambassador after retirement. Therefore, the correct address for a former American Ambassador would be "Ambassador Jones" on the inside envelope (and the place card). However, on the outside envelope you would use the honorific "The Honorable," as in "The Honorable James Earl Jones." Remember, on wedding invitations you spell out the middle name.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope
Q When addressing the inside envelope on a wedding invitation, would you write what the parents or what the bride or groom would call the recipient of the invitation?
Mr. and Mrs. Jones by the bride or groom
Tom and Betsy by the parents

A No, it is simply not done. You need not write, "by the bride or groom," or "by the parents." It is not necessary. The recipient will know that they are being invited because they are friends of the parents, bride or groom, or both.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Inside Envelope: Black Tie Optional
Q How do you address a wedding invitation where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer? Also, if you are having a black tie optional wedding, should the invites be formal on the inner envelope? Thank you.

A When addressing a wedding invitation envelope where the woman is a doctor and the husband is a lawyer, the outside envelope would read: Dr. Emily Dickens and Mr. George Dickens. If you are also using an inside envelope, that would read: Dr. Dickens and Mr. Dickens.

When you list "Black tie optional," you assume that the guest who doesn't have a tuxedo will wear a dark suit, white shirt, tie, and black shoes and socks. Inner envelopes are addressed with the same formality, whether for a formal or semi-formal wedding. You probably would not have an inner envelope for an informal wedding; however, you wouldn't necessarily have to have an inner envelope for a semi-formal wedding. Choose a style of formality and carry that theme throughout the wedding or otherwise you will be giving your guests mixed messages as to how to dress and how to behave.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing the Bride's Grandparents: Inside Envelope
Q How do you address the inner envelope to the bride's grandparents if the bride's parents are hosting the wedding?

A On the inside envelope you would address the grandparents as Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. Just the way you would address any other married couple. The inside envelope is formal and it is assumed that someone else is addressing the envelopes other than the bride's parents. Often a calligrapher. For a formal wedding with an inside envelope the brides grandparents would be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. Wilson.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Titles
Q How do I address a wedding invitation to someone who is simultaneously an M.D., Ph.D., Professor, and ordained minister? Do I pick one or two to use, is there a social ranking requiring that I pick a particular one, or does job trump earned degrees?

Similarly, how do I address a wedding invitation to someone who is simultaneously a Ph.D., a Professor, and an officer (president or dean or provost) of a university? Again, do I pick one title (and how?), or do I use several?

A You would address the invitation to the name that the person uses. For instance, a clergyman with a doctor's degree socially would be The Reverend Dr. Andrew E. Jones. Socially, you would not use any initials after a person's name, you would only use Dr. or Dean as a title. When in doubt, telephone the person's secretary to ask how the person is addressed socially.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing Women as Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations to my bridesmaids who are all under the age of twenty-five and unmarried, do I use Miss or Ms.?

A When addressing unmarried women eighteen years and older, you would use Ms. or Miss.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Blended Families With Different Names
Q My fiance and I both have blended families (i.e. each of us, our parents, and our stepparents all have different last names). I want just to write "Together with their families" on the invitation, as I have read that is what you are supposed to do when there are multiple names and the bride and groom are paying for the wedding. However, my mother-in-law-to-be is insisting that we include their names. Is it awkward to say "Together with the Smith-Doe and Jones-Brown families"? If not, should I hyphenate those names like that? Or should I say "Together with the Smith, Doe, Jones, and Brown families"?

A The bottom line is that you will need to have an accurate headcount for the caterer. On the outside envelope, you can write: The Jones & Brown Family, if they have not hyphenated the names. However, inside, either on the inside envelope, or on the upper right hand corner of the invitation itself, you can list the first names of all those who are being invited: Susan, John, Allison and Jacob.

You need to do this because when Susan calls to tell you that she is coming, you want her to tell you that all four of them are attending, and not just her and her husband. You will have to give the caterer a headcount two weeks before the wedding, and usually the hosts have to pay for those who don't show up. If, say, Allison, has an out-of-town soccer game and therefore won't be back in time, and Jacob will be at baseball camp, then you don't want to pay for Allison and Jacob's dinners. When there are a lot of no shows, it can add up.

No, you would not hyphenate two names that are not normally hyphenated. You would spell out "and" or use an ampersand (&) to show the names are connected.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Councilperson + Spouse
Q Dear Didi,

Your website has been so helpful as I address my wedding invitations. However, I have a question that I do not believe has yet been answered on your website.
I need to address an invitation to a city councilman and his wife. I need help with the wording for the outer and inner envelopes and table card.

Is this correct?

Outer Envelope:
The Honorable Marvin Crist
and Mrs. Crist

Inner Envelope:
Councilman Crist
and Mrs. Crist


Table Card:
Councilman Crist and Mrs. Crist
Table 2


Thanks for your help!

Lauren L. Potts
Lancaster, CA


A You're doing such a great job, congratulations! You would address a city councilperson socially as "The Honorable" on the outside envelope.

The outside envelope:

The Honorable Marvin Crist and Mrs. Crist

The inside envelope:

Mr. and Mrs. Crist

Great question, thanks for bringing this to my attention. I look forward to receiving more questions from you during your wedding process.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Couple in a Committed Relationship
Q When addressing a wedding invitation, do we still go alphabetically when the person closest to the couple is the one being invited and the significant other is a guest?

A You would list the names one on top of the other with the person who is the connector on top. Remember you would not connect them with an "and" unless they are married or unless they have had a committed ceremony.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Gay Couples
Q When a married gay or lesbian couple are invited to a wedding, how do you address their invitation when their last names are hyphenated? What title of address (Mr., Ms., Mrs., Mses., Messrs. etc.)is used?

A Socially, if both use the same last name, whether hyphenated or not, you would address them thusly:

The Fremont-Smiths
Their address

or

The McClintock-Smiths
Address

In other words, you don't need to use titles, because you are addressing partners who have the same title and the same last name. For instance, if you were, say, addressing two heterosexual doctors, socially, you would address them as: The Drs. McClintock-Smith. Whether they are gay or not, socially, they would be invited as the Smiths or the McClintock-Smiths. My husband and I are referred to as The Cowleys. Sexual orientation doesn't differentiate when addressing titles with the same last name socially.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Jr. or II
Q Addressing a wedding invitation:

Mr. & Mrs. James Calaghan, Jr. prefers
Mr. & Mrs. James Calaghan, II

is this the proper way to address, Mr. J. C., the second?
thanks!

A Mr. James Calaghan, Jr. is the son of Mr. James Calagnan, Sr. (senior). Mr. James Calaghan II, or 2nd, is the nephew of Mr. James Calaghan, Sr. Which is he the son or the nephew?

When using suffixes such as Jr. or the 2nd, you would spell out the middle name. For a formal wedding wedding, all middle names are spelled out.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Married Couple With Different Names
Q How do you address a wedding invitation to a married couple that have different last names ( the wife kept her maiden name)?

A Whether you have to use one line or two, the woman's name would be written out first, followed by her husband's name:

Ms. Alice Gray Wilson and
Mr. George Ross Jackson
(Their address)

Remember for a formal wedding, all middle names are spelled out.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Married Couples
Q Didi,

I'm sending out invitations. How do I address the envelope for a married couple? Is it Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Armstrong? Also what if the guests have different last names and I'm unsure if they are married or not: Jane Jackson and Robert Neilson?

Thanks
Meghan

A The outside envelope of a wedding invitation addressed to a married couple would be:

Mr. and Mrs. George Wilson Ross
Their address

Remember to spell out the middle name on a formal invitation.

Then on the inside envelope it would be just:

Mr. and Mrs. Ross

When in doubt, pick up the phone and find out how the couple wish to be addressed. Remember that you will need that information for the table card and place cards, as well. Also, remember that even if they are married, the woman might not have changed her name. So call her. It's the proper thing to do. Just say, I'm addressing our wedding invitations, or I'm writing up the invitation list, and I need to know how you want to be addressed.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Senator and His Wife a Governor
Q I struggling to address the envelope of my wedding invite. It will go out to a Senator but the spouse is also a Governor. Do I address them as:

The Honorable John Doe and Mrs. Doe?


Thanks for your help!

A Socially, the Senator husband is addressed as:
The Honorable John James Doe

Socially, his wife the Governor is addressed as:
The Honorable The Governor of (state)

Therefore, you would use two lines to address the couple:

The Honorable John James Doe and
The Honorable The Governor of (state)
(their address)

Remember for a formal wedding you would use and spell out all middle names. As she is the only Governor of the state, the title is enough socially.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Separated Couples
Q Didi:

How do I address an invitation to a separated couple who are not living together?

A You would send two separate invitations, one to each at their own addresses.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Sheriff + His Wife
Q How to address a wedding invitation to a county Sheriff and his wife?

A A sheriff is usually an elected official and therefore would be addressed as, "The Honorable." However, if the sheriff was appointed to his office, he would be addressed as "Mr."

The Honorable William Adam Wilson and Mrs. Wilson
(their address)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: The Honorable and His Wife
Q I am addressing my in-laws' invitation. He is a judge, so I know that formally, it is The Honorable and Mrs.; however, the name is so long that it is hard to fit on the invitation and still look aesthetically pleasing. Any advice on how I might go about this?.... Their address is rather short, too, which only amplifies the length of the names. Thank you!

A A challenge indeed. Luckily, more and more, Hon. is being used instead of spelling out "The Honorable." However, if you are using an inside envelope, try to spell out "The Honorable and Mrs. ______"--last name only. You would eliminate the first and middle names in the inside envelope.

No one will fault you for using: Hon.

If you are still in a pinch, use the symbol for ampersand "&" instead of the word "and" as in: Hon. & Mrs. ____________

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: The Reverend + His Wife the Doctor
Q I'm addressing with italic calligraphy wedding invitations for a co-worker's daughter's wedding. Here is my question that applies to 2 similar situations: how do you address the outer and inner envelopes when the husband is a Reverend and the wife is a Doctor-a) one invite they both have the same last name and, b) the other invite the wife has kept her maiden name. Your examples are great but I didn't see the situations I have explained. Thanks so much for your assistance. Jeanne

A a) The Reverend and Doctor wife, when husband doesn't have a doctoral degree:
Outer envelope: Dr. Helen Jones and The Reverend John Jones
Inner envelope: Dr. Jones and The Reverend Jones

b) Again, when the Reverend husband doesn't have a doctoral degree, but the wife uses her maiden name:
Outer envelope: Dr. Sarah Smith and The Reverend John Walsh
Inner envelope: Dr. Smith and The Reverend Walsh

Remember for a formal wedding, you would spell out all middle names on the outside envelope, so I am assuming this is not a formal wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Addressing: Two Doctors
Q Didi,
I am having trouble deciding how to address a formal wedding invitation where the wife is a retired medical doctor and her husband is a retired doctor of education. Can you help me with this? Thanks,
Barry

A Assuming their last name is the same, address the envelope to the: Doctors Henderson

Should she have kept her maiden name:

Dr. Emily Dickinson and Dr. George Henderson

You can use two lines on the envelope, should you need them, and the retired part doesn't come into play.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Adults Only
Q How do we politely tell our guests our wedding and reception is adults only?

A Only those whose names are written on the wedding invitation envelope are invited to the wedding. If a guest returns a reply card with a list of her children's name, you pick up the phone and say, "I am terribly sorry, but we are not inviting any children under the age of 21 to our wedding; so we will not be able to accommodate your children." I am a huge believer in the word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will get the message. You don't want to put anything negative on a wedding invitation, so you would not put NO CHILDREN.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: All Cousins Invited
Q Should all cousins be invited to a wedding assuming there is enough room?

A It depend upon your relationship with the cousins whom you would invite and whom you would not invite. There are no rules carved in stone saying that you have to invite them all. Why not make a list of the cousins, with their mates, going from the one you like the most to the one you like the least and then figure out how many you can afford to entertain at the reception. Remember that they may not all be able to attend. Also, don't forget that the bride and groom customarily invite the same amount of cousins so that both sides are equally represented.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: And Guest
Q When receiving a wedding invitation should they be addressed to the person and GUEST if not addressed to a married couple? In my family of 4, myself divorced, and my girls all single, 2 came & GUEST and 2 just had our names and no GUEST. My one daughter was very upset by this and wanted to know.
Thank you in advance.
D. Davison

A Customarily, you would not see "and guest" because the primary guest would have been asked personally if she wanted to bring a guest and an invitation would have been sent to her guest and his name would be on the guest list. You certainly might call the mother or the bride or the bride and say that you are a bit confused. "Are you inviting my girls to bring escorts or not?" Act as if there must have been an oversight and do not mention the bad manners. Keep the conversation simple, just that one sentence. Do not drone on about the details and injustice.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: And Guest: When Women Invite Women
Q My question is in regards to addressing the invite with a person and "and guest". I've read that it's not proper to put "and guest" because it's courtesy to at least write in the name of the significant other. Here is our dilemma. At this particular time, the groom's sister is not dating anyone. When the "and guest" topic came up, she proceeded to say since she's not with anyone, she will just bring along one of her girl friends. We were afraid this would be said, and honestly, we don't appreciate her thinking that she is entitled to bring anyone to the wedding. What to do? Are we in the wrong to think this way??

A In my opinion, the only reason that you would add "and Guest" is because you wouldn't want to leave out someone's partner. If this weren't the groom's sister, I would advise you to call her up and explain to her that when you invited her to bring a guest you assumed that it would be someone she would be dancing with and partnered with at dinner. Because she is the groom's sister, as you know, you'll have to tread lightly.

Alternatively, you can try discussing the situation with the groom or the groom's mother or if there is another sister. You can explain that it could be arranged to have one of the single groomsmen escort the groom's sister and be seated with her at dinner so that she would be assured to have a dance partner. That, after all, is one of the responsibilities of a single groomsman and why they are invited--to dance with the single women. I know this sounds old-fashioned, but since you're asking, you're obviously concerned about seating your guests girl, boy, girl, boy at the tables so that everyone will have a dancing partner, and that no single woman is left alone at the table when everyone gets up to dance.

You are not wrong, you just have to make it clear to the groom's family that you will see to it that the groom's sister is taken care of for the evening; you will find a single male guest to be her dinner partner, if she doesn't have "a date." That way she can either come up with a male date for herself, or you can find a cousin or family friend to escort her, if there isn't an available groomsman.

Try to have someone explain to the groom's sister, If you don't feel that you can do this yourself, that when she was asked to bring a guest, it was for the purpose of dancing and that you would be happy to seat her with a single male guest. Say that you are trying to keep the girl-boy ratio balanced for the dancing; after all that is the fun part of the wedding and you want to be sure that she has a good time.

In the future, if you have another daughter getting married, find out ahead of time the names of the single guest's partners by calling them or emailing to ask them, and put that partner's name on the invitation and then on the place cards. If the single person does not have a significant other, then do not, under any circumstances, put "and Guest" because then you'll get stuck again paying for someone nobody knows. The criteria is that the person that you refer to as "and Guest" is either living with or engaged to this partner. Gender is not an issue. Never send an invitation to someone with "and Guest" unless you are willing to accept the consequences of who that guest might be. It just isn't done for exactly that reason. Find out the partner's name and if they are not living together, get that person's address in order to send your guest's guest his or her own invitation.

By the way, most wedding couples have a criteria as to who makes the guest list cut. An example of that criteria might be: "We are only inviting friends we've seen and talked to within the past six months." It works like a charm, if you get the wedding couple to get the word out through word of mouth that this is the criteria for being invited. Another criteria is "There are enforced fire code regulations because of space limitations, so we can only invite close friends and family who actually know the wedding couple."

Since I don't know the background of the families or the dynamics between the families, I've given you various options in the hope that you'll feel comfortable about taking control of the situation. These are some facts to back you up:

At the discretion of the wedding couple, a woman 18 years of age and older can be invited to bring a guest to sit with and dance with, however, only girls under 18 can have another girl accompany her, but only if there are no other "children" her age.

Before going forward with straightening out this situation, be sure that the groom's sister isn't gay, because that, of course, would be the exception and you'll have to accept the fact that the girls will be seated side-by-side and dance with each other.

Assuming that the groom's sister is not a little girl any longer and isn't gay, the bottom line is that any woman 18 years of age or older attends with a named male friend, or the bride's family seats her with a single male guest.

It's one of those wedding rules, such as "nobody wears a white dress but the bride": single woman and single men don't have same sex dates unless they are gay or are under 18 years of age.

Set these boundaries early on and stick to them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Announcements, Addressing and Color of Ink
Q Help! My invitations have to go out this week!

I am not sending wedding invitations to all my friends. Some of them will only receive wedding announcements. Do I include names on the inner envelopes of the announcements even though they are not invited to attend the wedding ceremony or reception?

Also, my invitations are letter-pressed with dark navy blue ink (looks almost black) print on very heavy white paper. The return address is also navy blue ink. Would it be acceptable to have the front of my envelopes also printed in matching dark blue ink with matching formal script using a printer? If handwritten, should it be addressed in black or dark navy ink (to match the return address on the back of the card)?

Thank you so much for your help!

A You do not need to use inside envelopes for announcements.

In my opinion, you would hand address the announcements and addresses with the same color ink as the invitation and announcements. Or a color ink that is close enough.

Hope this catches you in time. I apologize for not having answered sooner, but I am taking a break from my site for a week; however, when I saw your question, I knew I had to answer it pronto.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Cash Instead of Stuff
Q I am getting married and we would like cash donations instead of wedding gifts. How can I word that on the invitations? Thanks

A Along with your invitation you can include an "At Home" card with your married address and add one of these lines at the bottom of your "At Home" card:

In lieu of a present, a small check would be greatly appreciated.


Or, since guests like to know how you'll be spending the money that you're asking for, you can say something such as this that will help them be generous:

Please contribute to our down payment on our new home.

A contribution for our honeymoon (wedding trip) would be greatly appreciated.

A small contribution towards our educational expenses would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Gifts
Q Dear Didi,
Per the following excerpt from your NY Times letter:

"So in this case, Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette", is wrong, it is O.K. to dictate to guests what their gift should be. "

Personally, I would disagree that Peggy Post is wrong. There is not a wrong or right in this circumstance. Although I respect your choice on how to guide individuals, recognize that there are some (many?) who would disagree. I would be very put off by an insert of the type you recommend. The word "lieu" is typically used when people are asking for donations to be made (rather than gifts). To ask for money as if it is in place of a gift is not only crass (in my opinion), but it is seeming to suggest that one is not asking for a gift. (In lieu or in place of a gift, give us money.) Although the use of the word small does, I think, soften the message.

I would be interested in knowing if I am in the minority and will ask around. I'd be curious about the feedback that your clients have received as well (although it may not be clear, since people may not directly admit to being "put off").

Anyway, I do agree that for many, the money would be much more useful; just not sure about the manner in which it gets communicated. Just some thoughts....

Janet Slifer

A I agree with you completely. However, I am not part of the generation getting married at this point in time. Currently my daughter, who was married on June 2, 2007, is much like others of her generation who are on the wedding circuit. I insisted that she and her fiance set up a wedding website to keep the two families and friends from different coasts in the loop about wedding plans, activities, accommodations, directions, and bridal registry. The only instruction for bridal registries was made inadvertently on the "Save the Date" card, which listed their wedding website but no reference to gifts. That was supposed to be the polite way to keep people in the loop about wedding gifts. If only guests would go to the wedding website, they could click on "Bridal Registry." Because they received so many duplicate gifts that had to be returned, or could not be returned, for their engagement party, we decided to list the bridal registry on their wedding website. Nowadays, most anyone involved with a wedding couple learns about www.theknot.com and the weddingchannel.com, etc. They assumed that their wedding website would direct people to the bridal registry. But no, they have received many very expensive presents that they do not need. For instance, they received two wine refrigerators. My daughter and her husband, who barely drink at all, live in a tiny apartment that barely accommodates a standard refrigerator. But the wine refrigerator happened to be the hip, cool gift last winter. Try carrying two wine refrigerators back to the store when you live in a big city. The "At Home Card" is an old-fashioned way of getting out new information, such as new address, new name. I must admit that I was slightly taken back when a couple of years ago my best friend remarried after buying a co-op and I received a letter from her cousin suggesting that the wedding couple, who have everything they need, would rather have a small check towards renovating their new apartment. Since then, I believe that giving is all about giving people what they truly need and want and not what I think they need. In many faiths and cultures money is the only gift expected. Italian brides wear red silk purses around their waists which wedding guests stuff with checks and cash. Jewish weddings also encourage cash presents. There are cultures that have money trees and weddings where the bride encourages guests to pin bills to her dress in return for a dance. The "At Home card" to me, for this current generation is the most efficient way of handling the wedding present dilemma. On the "At Home" card, one does not have to dictate that gifts only be checks, but a check can be an option. Another option is to list one or two bridal registries, which is what I will do for my next daughter's wedding. You have to remember that it is even more vulgar to pull out a beautiful wedding invitation and have four or five registry cards from chains (Such as Bed, Bath and Beyond with the wedding couple's registry number already on the card) tumble out onto your floor. Speaking of making the guest feel like a dummy, all the guest has to do is to exchange that card for a gift card. Just to ease your mind, my daughter and her husband did not receive one single check, but that wasn't what they wanted. They are sweetly old fashioned; they only wanted their place settings of china, silver and crystal. (The engagement party brought in most of their kitchen ware.) Also, I agree that there is no right or wrong way to ask for gifts, but it sure helps if you send people in the right direction. Again, I agree with you about the usage of the word "lieu." Unfortunately, at this point in time, the expression is commonly used instead of the word "instead." The word "gift", also, is tricky, because obviously a check would be a gift of money, which is why I also advise that the wedding couple state how the gift of money will be used. Believe it or not, I answer questions from couples who get themselves financially in debt just planning the wedding and they want to know how they can ask for money to pay for the wedding. Although I do agree with your points, having lived through this for the past year, I do believe that making it easy for the guests is the way to go. To the wedding couple that means using the old-fashioned "At Home" card, which was used long before there were bridal registries.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking for Monetary Gifts
Q How do we ask for a monetary gift on our wedding invitation?
My parents say that it is not proper etiquette to ask for money even though my fiance and I have all that we need except for the down payment for an apartment. We hear that a lot of newly- weds end up turning their gifts into cash anyway. Please help us to figure out how we can ask for cash politely.

A In my opinion, the tide has changed because the trend nowadays is to come clean with what you want upfront. Nobody has time to return unwanted wedding gifts. Many young marrieds work long hours and would rather spend their free time in any way other than standing in post office lines to send presents back to the store. If you want monetary gifts, include an "At Home" card along with your invitation that not only lists the newlyweds' address, but these words underneath: "In lieu of a present, a small check towards a down payment for an apartment would be gratefully appreciated." Let me reiterate that you would not put that request on the actual wedding invitation, but on a separate insert card that matches the invitation. On that "At Home" card, remember to use the exact names that appear on your joint bank account. Most of your wedding guests will understand that you want to make it easy for them to send a monetary gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Asking Guests to Give Cash
Q My husband and I are giving my son his wedding reception at our home. You helped me earlier with the invitation but now they want to know how to ask for cash instead of boxed gifts? I've seen "No boxed gifts" on wedding invitations, but I think it sounds tacky. My son and his wife will be moving to another state in a year and are staying with us until they leave so they don't need household gifts and would rather have the cash. How do we handle this on the invitation?

A I understand your concern. Traditionally, you don't put anything negative on an invitation because it sets off a negative tone. The problem is that most people don't like to give out cash or checks willy-nilly; they like to know that their money is going towards something concrete and not just to buy groceries. Giving cash is always risky because it can get misplaced or you don't know whom to thank. At least with a check, the name and amount is on the check and the check can be stopped, if it goes missing.

Nowadays, wedding couples fill out a bridal registry list for the things that they want and through word of mouth, guests find out where the couple is registered. What the couple can do is to pick out china, glass, and flatware pattern, as well as towels and kitchenware and have guests "buy" them gifts from the registry. Then the wedding couple can ask the store to hold the gifts in a huge credit. So the department store, or chain store, is not holding the actual packaged presents, but a large credit for the total amount the guests paid, like a debit card. Then when the couple settles down, they can use this now huge credit to buy the things that they need for their home. And they don't have to pay storage or moving expenses. Also, as far as writing thank-you notes, the couple will have a list of the guests with their addresses.

Another fun registry is the honeymoon registry, where guests pay the registry a certain amount towards the wedding couple's honeymoon, a trip that the wedding couple can take when and to where they like after they've saved up vacation time. Again, the registry will send the couple a list of the guests along with their addresses to make sending thank-you notes more efficient.

Of course, the wedding couple can ask for a "small" check in lieu of a boxed gift. Then you would include a smaller card along with the invitation giving the married couple's name (the names on the bank account) and the address to where checks should be sent under a sentence such as this: As Sophie & George plan to move in the coming year, a small check would be greatly appreciated.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Big Wedding + Small Reception
Q My sister is getting married in July. She wants a small wedding and doesn't mind if more guests come to the wedding but wants the reception to be just close friends and relatives. How do you invite people to the wedding but not the reception? Also, can you invite people to a bridal shower that you do not invite to the reception? And is it ok to send an announcement to people that are not invited to the wedding? Thanks for any help you can give in this matter.

A You would not invite anyone to a shower that is not being invited to the wedding, unless the wedding is very small and you are planning on having a large party when the wedding couple return from their wedding trip.

You would have two cards printed: one inviting people to the church only and the second inviting guest just to the reception. Guests who are being invited to both would have one of each card in their envelope.

The hard part of this is that those who are not going on to the reception are going to feel excluded.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Both Parents Are Remarried
Q What is the correct order for writing the names of parents on our wedding ceremony? Both sets of parents are divorced and remarried.

A For a Christian wedding, only the bride's parents are listed, so even if the parents have remarried, it would go like this with the mother's new name first:

Mrs. John William Stuart
and
Mr. George Henry Herrick
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Rose
to
Mr. Donald McDonald Smith

In the Jewish faith, the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name; the mother's name would come first and the father's name would be under hers. As in the following:

Mrs. John Gross Loeb
and
Mr. David Lehman Schwartz
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Jessica
to
Mr. Lawrence Ross Malkin
son of
Mrs. Ronald Abrams Roth
and
Mr. Isaac Ross Malkin

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Both Parents Divorced
Q I do wedding invitations and I have an odd request from a client that I am not sure how to deal with. She is getting married and both her parents and her fiance's parents are divorced and remarried. All biological parents are hosting the wedding, they want to put all of the biological parents ONLY on the invitation. (i.e. Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Knox, not Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Joe Knox). Is it appropriate to do so and should there be 4 separate names on the invitation? Please Help!

A Not to worry, nowadays, this kind of situation arises all the time. You can go one of two ways. Traditionally, if it is a Christian wedding, only the birth parents of the bride are mentioned because they are giving their daughter away in marriage. The groom's parents are not listed because they can't give the bride away because they are not her blood parents. However, on the program your clients can list whomever they wish and even describe the relationship, if necessary. The second way is how people of the Jewish faith do it. It sounds as if your clients are going to do whatever they want to do. In situations such as this, all you can do is to tell them the difference in how the two faiths word wedding invitations and, if you have to let protocol go to the wind, at least it is their choice to list all four names separately:

Mrs. mother of the bride
Mr. father of the groom
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Amanda
to
Mr. groom
the son of
Mrs. mother of the groom
and
Mr. father of the groom
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Registry
Q How do I inform guests where I am registered for gifts? Is it appropriate to include with invitations?

A I am a huge fan of Not including gift registration information along with the wedding invitation. Marriage is a sacred ceremony and not a call for "booty." I encourage wedding couples to set up their own wedding Web site to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding plans, as well as bridal registries. If you are sending out a save the date card, then you would list your wedding Web site. I am a huge fan of word of mouth. If you get the word out, people will know where you are registered. Also, if you list where you are registered on such wedding Web sites as www.weddingchannel.com and www.theknot, friends and family can look up where you are registered themselves.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Registry
Q Is it ok to put down where you are registered on the wedding invitations??

A No, you would not "put down where you are registered" on an invitation. Nowadays, wedding couples set up their own wedding Web site to keep friends and family in the loop about the wedding. The Web site would have a click-on for bridal registry. Also, most wedding couples today register their registries on www.weddingchannel.com and on www.theknot.com. Don't solicit for gifts on your wedding invitation because it looks really tacky. If someone wants to send you a wedding present, they can find a gift that you have chosen and that they can afford through your registry and the gift will be sent to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Shower Hostess List
Q In sending the Bridal Shower invitations, the hostess in charge of the invitations listed me (the mother of the bride as a hostess) rather than her daughter, who is the maid of honor. The invitations have been sent and my friends have commented on this. What is the proper etiquette in correcting this error? I have been bothered by this. Your reply would be greatly appreciated.

A I am sorry but you are not going to like my answer. The horse is out of the gate on this one. The mistake has been made and there is no way to correct it. Any attempt to correct the error will only draw attention to the mistake.

If I were you (and I don't know your friends), at the Bridal Shower I would make a toast to the hostesses thanking them for organizing and hosting the shower. As most adults know, one doesn't toast oneself, so those in the know will know that you are not taking credit for hosting the Bridal Shower. Give credit where credit is due by mentioning each of the hostesses by name along with a special thanks to the maid of honor, and let it go.

I know this is gnawing at you, but in one sense you should feel flattered that the hostess in charge felt that your name on the invitation would be a huge draw for your friends to attend, especially if some of your friends don't know your daughter well.

One last point--and it is a huge one. The hostess in charge made an "honest mistake." Her intentions were good. She was not trying to undermine you. If it would make you feel better, you can let your closest friends and relatives in on the situation by saying, "Just between you and me, I don't think that I should have been listed on the invitation because I am not one of the hostesses, but I am so grateful for their generous efforts that I certainly can't say anything."

Through word of mouth, you can you let it be known by confiding that you feel a faux pas has been made. You can do so with humor by saying something such as this: "I'm slightly embarrassed that Jane listed me as hostess, because it was all her doing. I can't take credit for any of the shower." Leave it at that.

Since I don't know your style, this is a rather general response, but I do want you to do the right thing here by not making this situation worse than it really is.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Shower: Location Change
Q How do you word an address change for a bridal shower?

A Address change for a bridal shower, center these lines not in parentheses on a post card or note card:

Important Change of Location
(Above in different font, such as "comic sans MS," in order to grab their attention)

Names of hosts alphabetically:
(Followed by these words:)
have changed the address
for Isabella's bridal shower
on Saturday, August 15th
from three until six o'clock
to 1556 Ocean Drive
Newport

Please, sent an OK email that you received
this new address to: olivia@gmail.com
Thank you!

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridal Shower: Mother + Daughter
Q I have a question about addressing envelopes for invitations to a bridal shower. If an adult daughter lives in the same home as her mother and they have the same last name, how would I address the envelope? I thought it would be best to list both of their full names (below)?

Mrs. Sally Smith
Ms. Jenny Smith
Address Line 1
City, State Zip

Many thanks in advance for your help - great website! So glad I stumbled upon it. You should join twitter - I think you'd have a lot of followers!!

A Etiquette-wise if the adult daughter is eighteen years of age or older, out of respect she would receive her own invitation--even if she still lives at home. Also, if she is eighteen years of age or older, you would use the title of Ms., as I've seen you've done correctly.

Look at it logically, if you are expecting the mother and daughter to both bring shower presents, then you would send them each an invitation, and the bride would send them each a thank-you note.

Thanks, I'm on Twitter. I'm just so busy, it is hard to keep up.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Mother Is Remarried
Q My daughter, Amanda, is getting married in the fall. I myself remarried two months ago, and this situation has put us in a quandary: how to word her wedding invitation. Some time back we'd decided that we'd use my first name, then my own family last name, then her father's last name, which I have continued to use even through an intervening marriage; hence: Mary Smith Simpson and George Warren Simpson invite you...etc. When I married my current husband, I kept Simpson as my name, though I'm also recognized as Harris, his last name. Most of those invited are friends of my daughter, few of my current husband and me. My daughter is most comfortable with Simpson, though she says the wording is completely up to me. My husband leaves the decision entirely to me. Which of these choices do you advise me to use?

Mary Smith Simpson
Mary Smith Harris
Mary Simpson Harris



A Because this is your daughter's wedding, you need to use the name that best identifies you in your current marital status. Assuming that it is a fairly formal wedding---that it is not Hawaiian shirts and shorts---you need to pick a style and stick to it. That makes everything gracefully fall in line. If this is an evening black tie wedding with a seated dinner, then consider it formal, even if it is not white tie. If it is dark suits or blazers and ties, then it is semiformal. If it falls into either of these two categories and the ceremony is taking place in a church or other house of worship, then the invitation would read:

Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris
and
Mr. George Warren Simpson
request the honor of your presence
(or, "pleasure of your company")
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth (or Amanda Smith)
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and seven
at five o'clock in the evening
St. James Church
New York City

Everybody is going to know that you are Amanda's mother because you are doing the inviting. Please take into account that this wedding is all about Amanda and her fiancé. If Amanda is becoming Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens, then for her wedding you are Mrs. Henry Jackson Harris, because that is the style that she has inadvertently chosen. If Amanda's middle name is Smith, then let it appear as a family name used as a middle name after Amanda, as in Jane Smith, instead of Jane Elizabeth. (Since I don't know Jane's middle name, I randomly picked Elizabeth.) It will be assumed that because the father's name is Simpson that Amanda's last name is Simpson, too, which is why it would be redundant to have Amanda listed as Amanda Smith Simpson.

In my opinion, you do not need to use your first name or your ex-husband's name because his last name and Amanda's last name are already crystal-clear on the invitation. It would be silly to use Mrs. Mary Smith Simpson, Mrs. Mary Smith Harris, or Mrs. Mary Simpson Harris because it makes it sound as though you are divorced and you are not. You are married and this invitation is all about marriage.

If this is an informal wedding, then go ahead and use one of the three alternatives that you gave me because anything goes. As I said, it is much easier to pick a style and stick to it because you can fall back on that style throughout the decision making process. The details of a wedding can be overwhelming and you will be happy that you decided on one style and stuck to it.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bride's Parents' Names Omitted
Q The groom's parents are paying for the wedding and by "mistake" they left the names of the bride's parents off the wedding invitation completely and they have already been mailed out. It has caused a potentially devastating situation with the wedding. Do you have any ideas on how to correct this?
Thank you.

A In my opinion, the best way to save face at this point is to have the bride's parents host the rehearsal dinner. That way they will be identified and acknowledged. The rehearsal dinner does not have to be extravagant and others can help with the cost; however, only the bride's parents' names should appear on the rehearsal dinner invitation. There is no rule carved in stone that says that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, so: just switch it around. Don't make a big deal out of it, just quietly send out the rehearsal dinner invitations to a select group that includes the bridal party and closest family and friends. The word will get out. At the wedding reception, the groom can toast the bride's family for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Alternatively, the bride's family could host the wedding day brunch, if the couple are being married in the afternoon or evening, or the post-wedding brunch the following day. This is not a devastating situation, it is totally repairable, if you don't make a big deal about the "mistake."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Bridesmaids
Q Are bridesmaids sent an official wedding invitation?

A It is always polite to send the bridesmaids an invitation because they have presumably gone to great expense to participate in your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Brunch Honoring Newlyweds
Q Hi, I am wondering what the proper thing is to do regarding having a bridal shower for my sister when she went to a different state to get married to her now husband and only his parents and brother were there. My mom and sisters wanted to have a champagne brunch for her with just us and four other family members to keep it small given the situation. My sister (the bride) wants the entire family invited from both sides and my mother feels this is inappropriate. Also, what is the proper wording to put on the bridal shower invitation to let people know that she is already married? Please advise, Thank You!

A If your sister is already married, you wouldn't be planning a "bridal shower." Showers occur before the event. As in April showers bring May flowers. Lots of people get married privately and then have a small celebration weeks later. The appropriate wording for a brunch being given by the bride's mother in honor of the newlyweds would go something like this (insert your own information and center the lines on a white card):

Mrs. Edward Lee Wilson [parent(s) of the bride]
request the pleasure of your company
at a Champagne Brunch in honor of
Mr. and Mrs. George Scott Brown (name of the newlyweds)
time
date
address of event

RSVP contact number

If the sisters are hosting the brunch as well, their names can be added under the parent's (s') name. Also, it doesn't have to be this formal. If you would like a less formal invitation, then drop all the titles Mr. and Mrs. and just have the mother's first, maiden, and married name: Anna Ford Wilson. Then the wedding couple would be listed as: Sarah Elizabeth and George Scott Brown. Since it is a small brunch you might prefer to drop all the titles because everyone knows who everyone else is already.

As to the guest list: that would depend upon who is paying for the brunch and how many guests that person is willing to invite. If your mother doesn't want to include the groom's family, that is up to her. They won't know about the brunch unless the newlyweds tell them. Since I don't know how far away the groom's family lives from your mother, it is difficult to say whether or not they would drive that far to attend the brunch. If it meant spending the night in a motel, they might not want to spring for the cost of gas and motel room. So, chances are, unless they live less than two hours away, they might regret even if your mother invites them. However, your mother will still get the credit for having been gracious enough to invite them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: By Hand
Q If I am addressing formal invitations and I will be hand-carrying some to the invited, is there a certain "verbage" that I place on the envelope to show that their particular invitation was hand-delivered?

A In the lower left hand corner of the outside envelope write, "By Hand."

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Calligraphy
Q Is it proper to use address labels on the wedding invitations instead of hand writing the names on the envelopes?

A You are not going to like my answer, but you asked. It is really tacky to use labels on wedding invitation envelopes. Either find a calligrapher to address them for a dollar an envelope or buy a calligraphy pen for $25 and write them out yourself.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Children
Q When there are several children to be invited, how do we address the invitation envelope?

A First off, all children over the age of eighteen receive their own invitation. Children under the age of eighteen are listed on the inside envelope by their given name. So: the inside envelope might read (insert your own information and center the lines on the envelope):

Mr. and Mrs. Shakespeare
Amanda, Alice and George

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Children's Names on the Inside Envelope
Q I know proper etiquette says to write out the names of the children on the inner envelope of your wedding invitations. Some of the people my fiance invited have children but he does not know their names. Is it ok to write "and family" or "and children" if we do not know their children's names?

A You will need to find out the names of the children anyway because you will need to make a place card for each child. It is proper wedding etiquette to pick up the phone and ask the parent for the names of the children for a wedding invitation. You would list just their first names on the inside envelope. As you are using the formal inside envelope, I am assuming that you are following the formal tradition of having place cards.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Choosing Style
Q Our wedding invitation is fairly informal (because it's an outdoor wedding/reception)
ex: dr. john and mary smith request ...
XXXXXX
to
XXXXXX
son of
adam and sarah jones

so my question is: in addressing the outside envelope, can we just put first and last names or do we still need to use mr. and mrs.?
also: is it still necessary to handwrite? or can it be computer generated from the invitation company?

A Set a style: formal, semi-formal, or informal and stick to that style all the way through from invitation to thank-you notes. After you've decided how you want to proceed, I would be more than happy to get back to you with exact wording for everything.

I'll tell you why, you've got a couple of styles going on here, which makes the overall look, from my point of view, sloppy. On the one hand, you want the formality of the inside envelope, but you don't want to use titles on the outside envelopes and you want to use labels for your envelopes? My simple take on this is to forget the uber-formality of the inside envelope and address the outer envelope with your labels with or without titles to the names. Think this over, and know that I would be happy to help you work this through. I just need to know which style you've chosen, and that's not something I can decide for you, because I don't know your lifestyle or the venue for the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Controlling the Numbers
Q "Due to a limited amount of space this is by invitation only" or would that be tacky? Is this ok to write on a wedding invitation?

A You don't want to write anything negative on an invitation. For instance, you wouldn't write "No guests of guests," "No children," or "No jeans." When you address the envelope for the wedding invitation, write the names of those who you are inviting clearly:

Mr. and Mrs. George Smith
Their address

Ms. Jane Smith Johnson
Her address

Mr. James Jay Brown
His address

Most people know that the cost of hosting a wedding with a reception where there are drinks and food is generally anywhere between $65 and $200 per guest. Some hosts actually go so far as to handwrite the first names of the people being invited in the upper left hand corner of the invitation itself: "For Alice & George."

By word of mouth--and I'm a huge believer in word of mouth--you spread the word and tell everyone either of two things: "The dinner is seated with place cards and only those who accepted on their reply card will be seated," or you tell people "Because of strict fire code laws, we are only inviting people who received an invitation."

Your key here is your reply card. Some reply cards actually have a line where the guests write the number of people they are responding for, for instance: "______ Number." That way if you've invited just Alice and George Smith and they return their reply card stating the number as 4, you call Alice and say, "I'm sorry but the restaurant can only accommodate 90 people and therefore we are not inviting friends of guests, nor are we inviting our guests to bring their children. We are just inviting you and George." Be clear, say, "We cannot have you bring a guest."

If a single person wants to invite a guest, you call them up and say, "I'm sorry but because of fire codes, we are not inviting friends of guests." Or, "You can't randomly show up with a guest because there won't be a place card for her or a seat for her at your table."

If all this sounds way too complicated, it isn't. From the start, make it clear to all the members of your wedding party and families that it is a "tiny" wedding, or a "very small wedding," and that you haven't invited friends of friends because the room (or hall) cannot accommodate more people than the fire code allows. In fact, the restaurant or banquet hall will be seriously fined, if the numbers are over code. Tell people the drill, get the word out.

The short answer is, yes, it is tacky to put "Due to a limited amount of space, this is by invitation only" on a wedding invitation. You can get away with it, but it is considered bad karma to put anything negative on an invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Cutting the Guest List
Q How do you thin the guest list without hurting feelings? We would love to have everyone, but this is a second wedding, we are on a budget, and the original guest list was about 300 people! Also, we would like to send something to people we didn't invite to the wedding, to include them in some way. Is this tacky or considerate?

A Go through your guest list and put a priority number in front of each name as to whether they are tier 1, tier 2, or tier 3. Send invitations to, say, all of tiers 1 and 2. When the regrets start coming in, you will have a better sense of whether you can send invitations to any of the names on tier 3, and they can be sent on an individual basis later. I am a huge fan of the Save the Date card because you can get a great sense even before the first invitations go out who will not be able to attend, say, due to a long standing prior commitment, and who would be able to attend. That way you can decide if you still want to send the person who cannot come an invitation to make them feel included, or not. As to sending people that you cannot invite "something," my feeling is that it is a bit of a slap in the face and slightly condescending. It might be better, say, to host a cocktail party a couple of weeks before the wedding for those friends of the parents who did not make the cut. This way you are telling your friends that you care about them, but due to space limitations, you cannot have all of, say, the parents of the bride's friends. The friends will be delighted because they get to go to the pre-party, but since they are not attending the wedding, they are not obligated to send a gift. As to cutting back the numbers even further, if the above doesn't work, remember that the bride and groom's list should consist of half of the total guest list; the bride's parents have a quarter and the groom's parents have a quarter of the guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dealing With Guests of Guests + No Children
Q I would like to place the wording on my invitation due to the size of the venue:

At the request of the Bride & Groom please No uninvited guest and Adults only.

How can I word this properly?

A The way you control the guest list or an added guest issue is by addressing the envelope just to the person(s) you want to attend; and also with your reply card. On the reply card the person writes his/her name before sending it back, if the person adds "and guest" after their name on the reply card, then you pick up the phone and say, "I am very sorry, but we (the hosts) cannot accommodate guests of guests." If you need to elaborate, then add that you are not accommodating children; or the fact that the fire code is very strict and you've reached your maximum number for the room. Another way to do this is to say you are not inviting anyone under 21 years of age.

Properly? Traditionally, you never put anything negative on an invitation because it sends off a negative vibe, which you don't want for a wedding especially, but through word-of-mouth, you can get the word out that you are not accommodating guests or guests of children. If you're worried about guests bringing children, then on the person's invitation in the upper righthand corner write the person's name, or if it is a couple their names only: Olivia & Harry. Because you haven't included the children's names on the envelope or invitation, they will consult with the host about bringing their kids, but will probably get the hint.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Destination Wedding
Q Do I send invitations for a destination wedding?


A You probably will want to set up a wedding Web site with click-ons for the itinerary, transportation and accommodation information, bridal registry information, etc. For a destination wedding, you would telephone the guests to invite them in person and get an instant acceptance or regret. If a guest is a single person and might want to bring along a date, you would get the date's email address and the correct spelling of the name at that time. You will need to have a fairly accurate count of who is coming in order to negotiate a reasonable deal on hotel accommodations and for the guest to get the least expensive airline tickets. After making your guest list, which would include email addresses, you can decide if you really need to send out a formal invitation or if your wedding Web site will reach all those invited. If not, you can always print out the information and mail it to the guest who is not on a computer. Whatever you decide about the invitation, you will probably want to send a packet of information for the guests with perhaps a map of the area of the destination and a brochure of the hotel, even if there is a link to the resort on your wedding Web site. This is helpful so that they know how to pack and dress, and which sports are available at the resort. For instance, at some resorts you can only play tennis in "Whites Only." If there is horseback riding, you might want to bring a pair of jeans and short boots. A destination wedding is an intimate group and you will want to know exactly who is coming and who they are bringing, when exactly they are arriving and departing. So: a destination wedding is all about good communication between the wedding couple and each and every guest. For instance, if you find out that some of your guests are arriving on the same flight, you might send a van for them and give the names of the guests to the driver; the guests could share the expense instead of paying for separate taxis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Destination Wedding: Post Wedding Reception
Q We are the boy's parents and we are giving a reception in our home town after the wedding, because all our friends and family are not invited to a destinaton wedding. Whose name should come 1st on the reception invitation card - the girl or the boy?
I was thinking of doing?
Mr & Mrs John Smith
request the pleasure of your company to celebrate the marriage of our son
James Smith
to
Linda Brown
Daughter of Mr & Mrs David Brown

Please advise? Thank you


A Let me get this straight. You and your husband are hosting a post-wedding reception for your son and his new wife after their destination wedding, and you are inviting those who did not attend the destination wedding. If that is the case, you would be hosting a party for the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. James Smith, Jr. After the fact, Linda Brown is now Mrs. James Smith, unless she is keeping her maiden name. As this is a post-wedding party, you would not introduce your daughter-in-law as "Daughter of Mr. and Mrs. David Brown," because by then she will be the wife of James Smith. If I've misunderstood this, please let me know and I'll try to give you a better answer.

This is how you would word the post-wedding party (center the lines on the card):

Mr. and Mrs. James Cabot Smith
cordially invite you to celebrate
the recent marriage of
Mr. and Mrs. James Cabot Smith, Jr.
Saturday, January 25th
6 to 8 P.M.
1976 Memorial Boulevard
Newport

R.S.V.P. 401-846-1212

Optional, if you are concerned about how guests will dress, you can add the dress code across from the RSVP in the lower right hand corner. The dress code could be: "Cocktail Attire," "Business Attire," "Jackets & Ties."

Since I don't know the venue of the reception, for instance if it is a seated dinner or this is a cocktail buffet, I've left the wording simple. Also, when inviting people to a wedding related party, you would use middle names when possible. I want to add that even if you are hosting the wedding reception, you can be generous on the invitation and include your daughter-in-law's parents this way, even if you are footing the bill:

Mr. and Mrs. James Cabot Smith
and
Mrs. and Mrs. David William Brown
cordially invite you to celebrate
the recent marriage of their children
Linda Elizabeth (use first and middle name only)
and
Mr. James Cabot Smith, Jr.
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Destination Wedding: The B-List Invite
Q Hi Didi,

My fiance and I were invited to a wedding but did not receive the invite. The bride emailed me to ask if we were going. I had to tell her no because we committed to another wedding. My questions are-

Should we still buy them a gift and if so, how much should we spend?

Thank you for your help!

Also, her wedding is a destination wedding and they are high school friends but we do not see them too often.



A If you did not receive the actual invitation, then, in my opinion, you aren't obligated to send a gift. A last minute email doesn't count as an authentic invitation. If you and your fiance feel you want to sustain the relationship, send them a really nice card and the both of you sign it. Quite frankly, it sounds to me as if they are looking for guests. Guests are not interested in attending destination weddings these days because the cost is too great, plus they still feel obligated to buy a gift. Forgive me for being too honest, but it seems that you are on the B-List. In other words, when there weren't enough A-List guests accepting to make up the numbers, the couple went to their B-List to insure an sufficient number of guests. I might be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Don't feel obligated to send a gift.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorced Parents
Q Didi:
My daughter will be getting married July 7th 2007. The groom-to-be's parents are divorced and his father is remarried. How do we word the invitations? Does the stepmother's name have to be added? What is proper etiquette here? Also how do we involve her in the wedding plans? The groom's father has made remarks that she must be included somewhere in the wedding. How do we do this without offending the groom's mother?

A This is a common dilemma. First off, I would need to know more about your wedding: is it formal, semi-formal, or informal? And more about the reason(s) for the breakup of the groom's parents marriage? For instance, if the new wife broke up the marriage and the first wife is still bitter and angry, then you cannot force the new wife on her. You would have to keep the new wife way, way in the background. If you would like to do a little fact finding and get back to me, I would be happy to help you figure out the roles for each of them; however, I need to know more about the circumstances. Please return to my Web site to ask the question again with more details, and I will give you a proper answer.

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorced Parents
Q When the parents of the bride are divorced and both are paying for the wedding does the mother's name go first or the father's name. In our situation the father and his wife are jointly hosting/paying and the mother's husband is not contributing. So it is not awkward, the father is not including his wife's name but there is some question as to whose name goes first.

A Traditionally, in the Christian faith only the living birth parents' names are on the invitation with the wedding couple because only the birth parents can give their daughter away in marriage. I know this is difficult in your situation, so you might want to make a compromise because both of the bride's parents are remarried by using the first form, substituting your own information and centering the lines on the page. You will see how awkward the fifth line sounds, which is why, in my opinion I would drop the stepparents, but you might have to do what you have to do to keep the peace:

Mr. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In answer to your second question, the mother's name would appear on the top line first, whether or not the stepfather is included. So, the other alternative is:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare (your new married name)
and
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mrs. Shakespeare and Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

In my opinion, this last one sounds even more awkward, which is why I would recommend that you use:

Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
and
Mr. Charles Windsor Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William Joyce
etc.

The bride's birth parents have to remember that this wedding is all about the bride and her groom and not about who is paying for what and/or the new spouses.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Divorcee and Her Fiance
Q How do we address a formal wedding invitation to a divorced woman who is engaged to another man? We want to invite both.

A When you say that you want to invite both, I am assuming that you want to invite both the divorced woman and her fiance. If you don't know the man's name, then you would call her to find out the correct spelling of his name, as well as his address. While you're on the phone with her, you would ask her if she went back to her maiden name after the divorce or whether to address the invitation to Ms. Jane Ross McDonald.

You can also e-mail her, but sometimes when you're addressing envelopes, information is gotten faster by cellphone. If they live together, then you would address the outside envelope to both of them at the same address:

Ms. Jane Ross McDonald
Mr. James William Sherman
Address

If you are using an inside envelope, on it you would write:

Ms. McDonald and Mr. Sherman

By the way, since this is a formal wedding invitation, wherever possible you would spell out the middle name on the outside envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dress Code: 3:00 PM Ceremony
Q Hi Didi,

My daughter is getting married in northwest Florida in June in an interfaith chapel. Her wedding gown is strapless with a chapel train. Her groom will be wearing a classic black tux, and more than likely the groomsmen will follow suit. They will be wearing an argyle print bow tie that will match the bridesmaids dresses. The bridesmaids will wear short, simple cocktail dresses, without embellishment, in the sea glass color palette. The wedding originally would have taken place outside, but due to the constantly changing weather conditions here, it was decided that a chapel wedding with a ballroom reception would be best. The wedding isn't formal really, and the reception will have more of a vintage country feel. For example, she's using burlap for table runners, with sunflowers. Here's the question: would a 3:00 pm wedding be considered formal? And what could the mothers wear? The guests would be wearing suits and dresses. Thank you for your time.

A Gosh, you're doing this right. Not sure why you even need to ask. A three o'clock wedding doesn't call for a dress code of black-tie for the guests. What the wedding party wears is the stage show, but when you go to the theater the guests aren't in fancy dress.

You're safe to do the indoor reception. A three o'clock wedding is not formal, but that doesn't mean that the wedding party cannot be formally dressed. The bridesmaids are wearing chic short dresses and that is the cue for the wedding couple's inner circle. These kids talk.

For your information, when the wedding invitation does not specify Black Tie, then guests assume that the dress code is Best Business Attire: Suits & Dresses. You can print Suits & Dresses onto the invitation in the lower right corner, or you can assume that through word of mouth, these kids will be dressed appropriately. Especially since it is a three o'clock wedding and you are not listing the dress code as Black Tie.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dress Code: Black Tie for Gentlemen Guests
Q We are having a 5:00 wedding next fall in New York City, and the groom would like to wear Black Tie with embroidered cummerbunds. Given that our dinner will be a formal sit-down affair at a private club, should we stipulate Black Tie for all gentlemen guests?

A Traditionally, a black-tie wedding begins no earlier than six o'clock. A five o'clock wedding is cocktail attire and on the invitation is designated as 'Suits & Dresses, meaning best dark business suit and knee-length cocktail dress. As a member of a private NYC lady's club myself and having attended many weddings there, I would suggest that you print 'Black Tie' in the lower right hand side of the invitation.

Most of your women guests will understand that a five o'clock is early for an evening dress and will wear beautiful, flirty cocktail dresses, which of course is much more fun for the young people. By word of mouth you can get the information out that the dress code is tuxedos for the men and beautiful cocktail dress and elegant dressy dinner suits for the women.

Seriously, you have more than enough time to get the word out. On the other hand, if you are keen on floor-length evening dresses, you should probably move the ceremony back to six o'clock.

Thank you for your interesting question and I hope to hear from you again as to what you decided on choosing as your dress code.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dress Code: Festive Dress
Q I am getting married outdoors; the ceremony is at six o' clock with the outdoor reception immediately following. My fiance and I are wondering how we can word in our invitations that we would like our guests to dress casual without using the word casual. We would like casual attire but not sloppy casual. Thank you for your time.

A If you want the men to wear jackets, then you print just the word Jackets in the lower right hand corner of the invitation where people look for the dress code. Just putting the word "Jackets" means no ties. If the women know that the men will be wearing jackets, they dress nicer. Traditionally, if you don't want male guests to wear tuxedos, you just wouldn't put any dress code.

Personally, I like the dress code "Festive Attire" or "Festive Dress." Festive means dress for the wedding festivities, but don't be stuffy. People will ask you what you mean by festive and you say, "Wear something fun, but nice"--in other words no jeans, cargo pants, shorts, wife-beaters (undershirts), or flip-flops.

I'm a great believer in the word of mouth. If you do not include a dress code--and you don't have to--people will dress nicely for a wedding if you have a nice invitation. Guests get clues from the invitation. Through word of mouth tell your wedding party and guests to dress nicely, but add that they don't have to wear ties. That is if you don't want them to, otherwise use the dress code "Jackets and Ties."

I agree with you about the word "casual." Festive can be causal, but it is also fun and you want your guests to take care in what they wear to your fun wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Dress Code: Including Info on Footwear When Walking Is Involved
Q I am having a wedding in November in California. Guests will have to park at a local club where the reception will be held but the actual ceremony will be a short walk to a park. The ceremony is at 1:00 in the afternoon. I was thinking of maybe including something in the invitation telling my guests that there will be a walk to the ceremony so that they can wear the appropriate shoes. I'm not sure if this is way off base or something to include.

A No, you are not way off base; as hosts you are concerned about the comfort of your guests. As well you should be. In situations such as this, you would include a small card (that matches the invitation) stating that because you do not want guests to be inconvenienced, they should know that there is a short walk to the ceremony site from the car park, so please wear comfortable footwear. It could go something like this:

Do to the small walk from the car park to the site of the ceremony, we are advising guests to wear comfortable footwear.

Alternatively, you can have this information printed on either the RSVP reply card or on the reception card. You can also just have printed: "Comfortable Footwear" (not in quotes) as the dress code on the invitation. If you have a wedding Web site, be sure to include this information about footwear under dress code for the wedding ceremony. I am also a great believer in spreading such information through word-of-mouth as a third reminder not to wear five inch heals.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: E-Mail Invitations: Using Lists
Q I received an invitation about a month ago from my niece's friends to attend a kitchen bridal shower for my niece. The invitation had an email address to respond for "regrets". I did not respond since I thought it only respectful to go. I am a divorced single male. I arrived at the shower on Sunday and when I entered, it was as if all of the females who had arranged the shower were deer in highlights. They all looked at me and then themselves politely...as if trying to be polite and figure out what to do with this unexpected visitor. As it turned out I was the only male there. I went to my niece and told her that I had just dropped by to leave her gift...It was as if everyone was relieved that I was leaving. If I was not welcome, then why did they send me an invitation? Am I wrong in thinking that if I was invited to the shower that it was appropriate for me to go and not made to feeling like I was a party crasher....which is exactly how I felt?
I had to make alternative arrangements for my children in order to attend this event for what turned out to be 5 minutes.
A guy who is at a loss.

A Obviously, there was some sort of a glitch. As there were several hostesses, it is possible that there was no point-person who went over the details. Mistakes happen. Possibly the hostesses got hold of your niece's "friend's e-mail address list" from an e-mail chain message and inadvertently sent everyone on that list the shower invitation.

In my opinion, you should let it slide. Someone screwed up, but it wasn't you. You didn't do anything wrong and they know that; they just didn't know how to apologize. Who knows, maybe they wanted to check you out! If anything, you should feel good about having been invited and showing up with a gift. Go forward as if nothing unusual happened. Please, don't take this mistake personally, because you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Silly girls!

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Enclosing Registry Cards
Q Is it proper etiquette to enclose a card stating where a bride and groom are registered in a wedding invitation?

A I don't think so. That sort of information is easily spread through word of mouth or, say, on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, where the guest has the option of clicking on "itinerary," "accommodations," "travel directions," "bridal registry." I have gotten lots of complaints about those nasty cards falling out of the wedding invitation envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Excell Spread Sheet Listing
Q Husband and wife are both doctors and wife kept her maidan name. I have names in excell and am doing a mail merger.
How do I address them?

A Put both names under the person who is your friend or put them alphabetically, but list them both under one name so that you'll only have to look for the name that they are listed under:

Anderson, Dr. Alice & Dr. Robert Barker

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Family With Adult Children
Q Dear Didi

I want to invite my boss and his wife to the wedding. The problem is that I should invite his single children, too.

Should I say Mr. Charles Smith and Family or is it better to say Mr. and Mrs. Charles Smith and then just under it name the single children (above 18) as Ms. Sarah Smith then under it Mr. Joe Smith?

A Remember that any person eighteen years and up would receive his/her own invitation. By addressing it to "the family," you are opening up the invitation to the extended family. Also, if this is a formal wedding, you would use middle names when appropriate, so you would address three envelopes, one to each of the following:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Oswald Smith
(their address)

Ms. Sara Elizabeth Smith
(her address)

Mr. Joseph Oswald Smith
(his address)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Father of the Bride Deceased
Q My daughter would like to mention her father (he is deceased) on her wedding invitation. She wants to honour him and her fiance agrees. Of course we miss him so much and yet I want her wedding day to be a happy celebration for her and her husband. I understand my daughter's wishes and yet also don't want guests to feel I am wallowing. I am providing all for their wedding day. Is this wording ok... The honor of your presence is joyfully requested by Mrs. Lillian Hart and in loving memory of Mr. Jonathan Hart at the marriage ceremony of her daughter...


A I'm sorry for your loss, but you can't use that wording. Weddings are happy occasions. It is a lovely time in your daughter's life where everything should be joyous and bright. That's why we never put dead people's names on invitations. It's creepy. It will make everyone who receives an invitation like that think you're behaving like a professional widow. Calling yourself Mrs. Jonathan Hart says it all. If Mr. Hart were still with us, two words "Mr. and" would precede yours on the invitation.

Center these lines on the card, the invitation should read:

Mrs. Jonathan Hart
requests the honor of your presence
at the marriage of her daughter
Elizabeth Lillian (insert your daughter's middle name)
to
Mr.
etc.

The correct place to remember her father, your husband, is in the toasts at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception. Additionally, at the end of the wedding ceremony program, you would list deceased family by listing their names under this line:

Today and every day we remember

Johnathan Hart
grandmother's name
grandfather's name
uncle's name
aunt's name

If your husband used a middle name you would spell it out on the invitation between Mrs. Jonathan and Hart, then again in the remembrance.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Father of the Bride Is a Mayor
Q We will be ordering invitations for my daughter's wedding....My husband is the current Mayor of our small town, what do we put on the host line of the invitation? Mr. & Mrs. or Mayor and Mrs. or......thank you so much!

A When your husband is Mr. Mayor in conversation, on your daughter's wedding invitation your husband and you would be listed as:

The Honorable John Jay Wilson and Mrs. Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
etc.

For a very formal wedding, you may use the English spelling of Honourable; however, for your "small town" wedding, the spelling Honorable is perfect. Also, remember to spell out middle names for a formal invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Father of the Bride: Former Career Ambassador
Q I have read much about the correct way to address people with titles when they are guests being invited to a wedding (regarding outside and inside envelopes). However, I have not found any information about using titles when retired US Ambassadors are the ones issuing invitations. When the father of the bride is the host, should it read Ambassador and Mrs. Such And Such kindly request the honour of your presence...? I realize that career ambassadors hold the title for life, so It would seem that using it, particularly on an engraved invitation, would be correct. However, I also realize that some former career ambassadors, some who are not as comfortable using the title after returning to the US, revert to Mr. instead of Ambassador. Which is more appropriate to use on an engraved invitation for a former career ambassador and his wife inviting guests to their daughter's wedding? Also, if the mother of the bride were the former ambassador and her spouse had no special title, how would the wedding invitation be worded?

A As host, when either the father or the mother is a former career ambassador the title Ambassador would be used as a title. It would be used for life. What you wouldn't do, at any time, would be to call yourself "The Honorable," because one doesn't use the honorific "The Honorable" on one's self, one's stationery or on any invitation you would be extending. Although hosts can address envelopes to you as "The Honorable."

When the mother is the Ambassador the invitation would read:
Ambassador Elizabeth Cabot Wilson
and
Mr. George Harrison Wilson
request the honour of your presence

Yes, you are correct in using:
Ambassador and Mrs. Such-and-Such
request the honour of presence

Just be sure to add the first and middle name before the last name. For a formal wedding you would spell out all middle names whenever possible for hosts and guests.

I understand that you want to be correct, but you are correct. What wouldn't be correct, for instance, would be if you had, say, been a politically appointed ambassador and after two years when the presidency changed hands, you were replaced. Then you wouldn't reference the honorific "Ambassador" any longer, except in a resume, bio, or obituary.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Father of the Groom Deceased
Q Hi Didi Forgot to put my late father-in-law's name in wedding invitation, what should I do?

A Not to worry. Thank goodness you forgot. Never put a deceased person's name on a wedding invitation. A wedding is a happy occasion and you wouldn't mention a dead person on the invitation. The place where your late father-in-law's name is mentioned is at the end of the wedding ceremony program. Under a line such as this, you would list the names of deceased immediate family:

Today and every day we remember

John Jacob Astor
Harold Vanderbilt French
Gertrude Astor Vanderbilt
etc.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The other place where his name would be recognized is during toasts at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception. Please, be assured that you were perfectly correct.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Father's Employees
Q I would like to know if it is necessary to invite all of my father's employees to my wedding. I have worked at his company and would like to invite only a few as I don't feel as close to some as to others that work there. Considering the dynamic that they are employed by my father, would you recommend that I invite all of them? Tough question, in my opinion.

A There is no etiquette rule set in stone that says you have to invite all your father's employees to your wedding, even if you work there. This is your wedding and you should invite only people who make you smile and who like and respect because you are who you are and not just because you're your father's daughter. Look at it this way, if your father were getting married, do you really think he would invite everyone who works for him to his wedding?

In our lives we have many different kinds of relationships. We set unspoken boundaries that define our relationship with people we know. There is a nuance that tells you both that it's a fun and not-just-all-about-work friendship, and then there is the nuance when you know they are only nice to you because you are their employer's daughter.

Usually, wedding couples set up a criteria for whom they invite. It might be that they only invite people who are friends and who they have socialized with over the past year. There are people that I see all the time that I didn't invite to my daughter's wedding, but I really don't think they expected to be invited. We work together or play tennis together, but that doesn't mean they expected to be invited to the wedding. Only invite people who make you feel good about yourself and who never undermine your self-esteem. If someone's been sarcastic with you and you felt uncomfortable by their comment, then there is no need to invite them. Also, if there is an employee that you have never had a conversation with, then s/he wouldn't expect to be invited to your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: First Line: Which Name Goes First?
Q The 1st line of the wedding invitation says:
Dr. Stephen Golant and Ms. Dora Kerner

They are married but have different last names-does the man go first or should Ms. Dora Kerner go first??

A The woman's name always goes first even though they are married. The man would go first if they were using Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Golant.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Following Style: Names
Q My daughter's wedding will be May 28th, 4 PM. Should our elegant invitations use full formal names on the outer envelopes or is this not done any longer?

A The formality of the wedding is reflected in the wedding invitation. If it is a formal wedding, then you would keep with the formal style. This means if the wedding invitation is formal, you would use titles and spell out all names, including middle names, when possible. For instance, Mr. and Mrs. John Adams Wilson. Then the inside envelope would read: Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, keeping the titles but dropping the first and middle names.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Former Mayor + Doctor Husband
Q Hello,

How do I address a wedding invitation to a former female mayor and her husband, who is a retired doctor?

Thank you!!

A Both the husband and wife retain their titles throughout their lives. As she is the elected official, her name would appear first, the doctor's to follow:

The Honorable Jane Sherman Watson and
Dr. James Brady Watson
(Their address)

Remember for a formal wedding you would spell out all middle names

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Groom: Master Chief Petty Officer USN
Q I am marrying a Master Chief Petty Officer in the US Navy. I want to know how the wedding invitation should be worded because this will be a military wedding. Please help. The only thing I find is on the correct way to mail the invitations out.

A On your wedding invitation, your fiance, who is actually the only Master Chief Petty Officer in the US Navy, would be listed as: Vice Admiral Michael D. Stevens.

Even though the MCPON is a non-commissioned officer, the Senior Enlisted of each service are designated by the SECDEF as the senior most three star Admiral/General Officer within their respective service.

Please, check this with your fiance's office, but on Wikipedia this is the information I found to confirm. If it is not correct, please, let me know.

We like hearing from you.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Groom's Deceased Father's Name on Invitation
Q My friend's son is getting married. His father has been dead for 3 years. Chris would like to have his late father's name on the wedding invitation. Is this proper etiquette? I would very much appreciate your expert advice on this matter.

If it is proper, how should it be worded?

Thank you

A No, it would not be a good idea to have the dead father's name on the invitation inviting guests to his son's wedding because it would make a potential guest feel uncomfortable. Weddings are a happy occasion, they are not an opportunity to recognize the deceased. The places where the father can be recognized are as part of a toast, either during the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception, and on the program for the wedding ceremony. Traditionally, at the end of the ceremony program there is a list of the closest deceased members of the bride and groom's families; one list for the bride the other for the groom, separated by a line. Therefor the customary place for the deceased father's name would be at the top of the groom's list; his father's full name, first, middle and last name. Above the lists, there would be printed a line such as this:

Today and every day, we remember

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Groom's Family Friends
Q The wedding invitations which the bride's parents had printed only include the names of the bride, groom and bride's parents. As parents of the groom, we are concerned that some of our elderly and out-of-town relatives who do not often see our children and have never met the bride may not recognize their names and will be confused or unsure of whose wedding they have been invited to....however if they were to see our names somewhere, they would immediately know who the groom is. We, ourselves, have been in the uncomfortable situation of receiving an invitation and not realizing until it was too late that the groom was the son of a relative we only see at family reunions, weddings, or funerals. We are addressing and mailing the invitations to our side of the family, so we were wondering if it would be appropriate to include a personal note letting guests know that the groom is our son..and if so how it should be worded? Or is there some other way to handle this situation? Thank you!

A One of the many excellent reasons why the groom's family traditionally hosts the rehearsal dinner is that it gives the groom's parents a chance for name recognition. However, your situation sounds a bit more complicated because you have included on your guest list to the wedding people who you are not close to any longer. You might want to send each of these people you are worried about a short handwritten note on your stationery telling them about the upcoming marriage of your son and giving little details about the bride and groom, their jobs, where they are planning to live after they marry. Then when they receive your son's wedding invitation they will know who is. Older people especially love receiving old-fashioned letters from friends catching them up on their lives. Alternatively, you might telephone them or write some and telephone others. Weddings are a great opportunity to reconnect with old acquaintances and relatives you haven't seen in a while.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Bringing Guest
Q Is it proper to ask a date to attend a wedding or party with me if my invitation did not include 'and guest'?





A A guest does not invite a guest to a wedding unless the envelope specifically states "and Guest." In that case, you would write in the name of the guest so that guest has her or his own place card. If you are the only one invited, you would not just randomly bring a guest because if the wedding or party is a seated dinner, your "guest" would not have a seat and that would be embarrassing for you, the guest, and the host.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Bringing Guest
Q I was invited to a black tie wedding and the invitation was addressed to me only. However, the RSVP card asks the name(s) of those attending and how many will be attending. Can I bring a date?

A No, you cannot just bring a date if the envelope was addressed to one person. Only if the envelope included the words "and Guest" after your name, would you fill in the name of the guest. If you weren't invited to bring a guest and you would like to bring a guest, then telephone the bride or groom and ask if you can bring a guest. The bride or groom might have to confer with the bride's mother to see how the numbers are going before giving you the go-ahead. If there is dancing, the hosts will be concerned that there are enough men for the women to dance with and, therefore will want to keep the numbers of single men and women fairly even. Also, as you probably know, at most seated dinners there is boy, girl, boy, girl seating. If it is a go, you would write out the full name of your guest on the reply card because a black tie wedding is often seated dinner with place cards and you would want to be sure that your guest had a place card, too. Your guest would be responsible for sending a wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry, if you do not offer to do it for him or her. Your guest would also write a thank-you to the bride's parents for including her or him at their daughter's wedding. The reason that there is the optional letter "s" in the word "names" is because just as often as not the invitation is addressed to a married couple. Also, sometimes when a couple is invited only one is able to attend. So, it is more efficient to have one reply card that includes the optional plural, than have two reply cards printed up. Chances are if you have been invited to come solo, it means that there will be enough of the opposite sex to even out the sexes. Remember that it costs the bride's family well over a hundred dollars per person for each guest, so you would want to be sure to give a wedding gift of equal cost, which means inviting a guest would double the cost of your wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest Inviting Guests
Q If a guest is not dating someone, should they be invited with a guest?

A No, if you have enough members of the opposite sex, you do not have to invite the guest to invite a guest. On the other hand, you want the single people to have someone with whom to dance. So: count up your single men and single women to see if you can send the invitation without encouraging the guest to invite someone that the wedding couple might never see again.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List
Q I am addressing invitations to my daughter's wedding. We are not using inner envelopes. The wedding will be traditional, but we want to convey a casual relaxed feel for the ceremony & reception.

When addressing the envelope is it ok NOT to use titles. As in:
Nan and Mark Dean
Kelsey and Brian
123 Some Street
City, State
55533

I have seen some sites say that this is fine for a less formal invitation. We have an issue that the groom's family hasn't given us full names of all the guests and probably doesn't know the full names and spellings of many of the guests' names. I thought this would be a way to solve that problem. I have even seen some places say that it would be correct to address family invitations to:

The Smith Family
123 Address Avenue
Town, State
12345

I am really torn here, because I have always been taught to go the old school way of Title, (full) First, Middle & Last name. Then address, etc., but it would be great if it really is acceptable these days to do it the less formal way.

A I'm with you, but not just because it is the old school tradition to use titles, first name, middle and last name on the envelopes. There are no rules carved in stone, you can do whatever you want to do but I want you to think about why you need to know names.

You are paying for every guest. Do you really want to pay for guests you don't know, or that nobody really knows? You want to set up an excel spread sheet to keep track of everyone you're inviting with their full names. Remember if you are loose about sending an invitation to "The Jones Family," of which you thought you were inviting three guests, it could very well end up that the Jones family brings the clan of eleven, only three of which you actually know.

Please think this through. Estimate the cost of hosting a guest, which would include everything from the postage for the wedding invitation envelope to paying the caterer for food and drinks. Let's say you estimate the cost could be between $50 and a $100 per guest. Now you understand. Start with the numbers figuring out how many people you want to pay for.

If you don't know someone's first name, pick up the phone and call them to ask how to address the envelope. People like to have their names spelled correctly. This is your daughter's wedding, you need to get a handle on who you are inviting and why. Take control of the numbers before you send out the invitations because if you don't, you'll be paying for too many guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Deciding Who Makes the Cut
Q My fiance and I are on a tight budget, so we're trying to keep the cost of the wedding low. We all know that means a small invitation list. My mother is inviting 12 people including our family. His mother has sent a list of 52 people and still would like to add more. My fiance and I haven't even added our friends to the list and we're already at our maximum. How do we tell her to cut some of her list?

A Gently explain to your families that traditionally the guest list consists of 50% of the wedding couple's friends, 25% of the bride's family and her parents' friends, and 25% of the groom's family and their friends. Therefore, if your budget is for fifty guests, including yourselves, 23 of the guests would be the closest friends of the wedding couple, 12 of the guests would be family members of the bride and perhaps family friends, or friends of the bride's parents, including the parent(s), all of which, preferably know the wedding couple fairly well; likewise with the 12 guests on the groom's family's side.

Once again, you are gently going to have to explain the plan to the groom's mother saying that she can give you the names and addresses of ten family members and friends of hers whom she would like to receive invitations. Remind her that couples count as two people; therefore, she and her husband, or partner, are considered two of her twelve people and she can invite five couples, or no more that ten guests total; that would include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, her children and her stepchildren, as well as there spouses.

You might have to explain this more than once, but because you are sending out the invitations, you have control of to whom the invitations are addressed. Remember that each invitation you send will probably be for two guests. Often single guests will ask if they can bring an escort, fiance, or boy/girlfriend, so you have to factor that in to the amount of people you expect to have.

The guest list might be the trickiest part of the wedding planning process because it is about setting boundaries. If you only want to pay for 50 guests, then you have to control the list by setting up criteria to help you decide who makes the cut and who doesn't. Some wedding couples will decide on whom to invite by how often and when they last saw the person, or talked to that person. Another criterion is that you and your fiance both have to know the guest. By setting up these two criteria, you are giving yourselves an excellent excuse when a friend asks why she wasn't invited. You can then explain you could only invite 25 friends and quite frankly, as much as you like her, you hadn't seen her or talked to her in over six months and she's never met your fiance, and that's the criteria you both had to set up to keep within your limit.

It is nice to have the same excuse that you can use with everybody, and that includes your parents. People can be pushy; they hear you're getting married and all of a sudden they think they're your new best friend all over again when, in fact, you haven't seen them since high school.

A third criterion that you might want to include, is that there won't be any accommodations for children; therefore you are not inviting any children. This is a good boundary to protect yourselves from having to say no later on when someone is "unable to find a sitter." The fact is, if there is a chair for the child, the child will be counted in the cost by the caterer or restaurant. Also, at a small wedding, you don't want the dance floor to turn into a playground because, let's face it, most kids love to dance.

The short answer is this: you explain to your fiance's mother that due to the exorbitant costs of hosting each guest, she can only give you the names and addresses of "her 10 guests" and that the ten include couples. Therefore, you will need perhaps 7 invitations for her family and friends alone.

I recommend that you keep a record of your guest list on an excel spreadsheet, that way you will have the name, address and number of each entry. You can also add categories such as Accept, Regret, Gift Received, Thank-you sent that you can fill in and refer to when you're making out the seating, place cards, or writing the thank-you note. If there is a rehearsal dinner, or post-wedding brunch, you can add that info on the spreadsheet as well.

As I said, the guest list is the hardest part; however, once you've set your boundaries and established the criteria for being invited and announced the number of guests that each side of the family is allowed to invite, stick to your plan and all will be well. The more organized you are with your plan, the fewer reasons there will be for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Should you have the time, I would be most interested to hear how you worked out this sticky, familiar dilemma. It goes without saying that I would be happy to work further with you, should you have more questions.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Inviting Cousins You've Never Met
Q Still working on my guest list....
I have a lot of adult cousins on my mom's side of the family some of whom I'm close with and some of whom I've never even met. Is it ok just to invite the cousins that I'm close to, or as a formality should I invite all the cousins from that group of aunts and uncles? I don't want to offend my aunts and uncles if their child is not invited and their nephew is. Our wedding venues are large enough and our budget is of no consequence even though I'm sure they wont attend.

A It might be just as awkward for you as it is for them, if the cousins whom you don't know are invited to the wedding because they probably won't know anyone, or worse they won't come, but will still feel pressured to send a wedding present because you invited them.

With your fiance you want to be talking about whether you want to make your wedding a reunion and invite relatives you both don't know, or keep the guest list more intimate. And, if you're inviting relatives you've never met, then he should be inviting relatives he's never met. Then you want to look at it this way: do you really want to be inviting people you don't know and will probably never see again? Perhaps you can make a compromise and invite just the relatives that you might like to get to know. Then ask yourselves, do you think it's fair to invite relatives who live far away and may not be able to handle the expense of attending, but are still caught having to send you a wedding gift whether they attend or not?

Understandably, it gets complicated. At the end of the day, you really do want a balance of your side of the family and your fiance's family. For instance, at the ceremony you wouldn't want your side of the church noticeably more heavily populated than your husband's side of the church. Having a balanced guest list is important for all concerned, which is why most couples use this formula in inviting guests: 50% of the guests are close friends of the wedding couple, 25% of the guests are close relatives or close friends of the bride's parents, and 25% of the guests are close relatives or friends of the groom's parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Inviting Young Adults
Q Hi! I have a question that involves being invited to a wedding and how to determine if I bring my son or not (he's 17 years old). The situation is this. The mother and father of the young lady getting married have been divorced for over 20 years. The young lady getting married is the goddaughter to my husband and his ex-wife who have 2 daughters age 28 and 30. When the invitations went out, my 2 stepdaughters and the ex-wife all received their own and my husband and I received our own. My husband and the father of the young lady/goddaughter getting married got to know each other through the ex-wives and have been very close friends ever since. I called the father of the young lady getting married to see if it was ok for my 17-year-old son to come as his name was not on my invitation and he did not receive his own. He said of course and apologized for the oversight, but assumed my son was coming. About an hour later, his wife called and said that the mother of the young lady getting married said no my son is not invited. I feel a little uncomfortable that one of my children is not included and am wondering what you think about this. I feel obligated to go out of respect for my husband being the young lady's godfather, but I must admit that I'd rather send a gift and respectfully decline. What are your thoughts?

A Please, don' take this personally. The reason your seventeen-year-old is not invited is because he is under age and many hosts don't invite underage kids to adult parties where alcohol will be served. Be mature about this and don't go off in a snit because this is not about you or your son, it is about not wanting to be responsible fore underage drinkers. At some parties you'll even see signs on the bars stating that kids under 21 years old will not be served. I repeat: this is not about you or your son, it is a serious liability issue. So, drop it. Don't make an issue of it. Go to the wedding and have a good time.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Setting Boudaries
Q We are having a very small wedding. Our venue only allows 100 people. We have a large family and are only including people over 21 and even leaving great aunts and uncles off the list to accommodate our small venue. My parents agreed to this before we booked the venue.

My sister got married this past year and now my mom is insisting we invite her new in-laws. Since we are leaving out members of our own family, I don't think it's right to invite them. Also, my sister did not invite any of their children's in-laws to her own wedding and my parents weren't invited to their son's wedding last summer. So, the invite tradition would be starting with our wedding.

Another issue is that I've known them for years, but they've never been very nice and I don't like being around them. I don't want to invite people that I barely know and are consistently rude to one of the most important and intimate days of our lives. Is it ok to leave them off the guest list in this situation?

A This is your wedding and you and your fiance need to set boundaries as to who you want as your guests at your wedding. If you don't set these boundaries you are going to be dealing with silly situations such as this right up to your wedding day. Traditionally, the bride and groom invite 50% guests, the bride's parents invite 25% (which include their family), and the groom's family invites 25% (which includes their family). These in-laws of your sister's would count as part of your parent's 25%.

When you talk about boundaries and percentages of who gets to invite what percent of the guests, then you take it off the personal and it doesn't become a matter of personalities. Also, I might add, that the final approval of the guest list is vetted by the bride and groom. The bride and groom should not have to be confronted with seeing any guest on their wedding day that they don't deem to see. All guests are invited at the discretion of the bride and groom. Take control over your guest list now or this will continue to be a problem. Set boundaries. Some wedding couples don't invite anyone they haven't had a personal conversation with during the last six months, or a year. Make those boundaries.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest List: Setting Boundaries + Criteria
Q My daughter is marrying a young man from a large extended family. I would not say that they are all close and in fact some members are not liked, only tolerated. Cost of the reception is $100 per person. His two grandmothers still think a wedding should be a ceremony with cake and punch at the reception. They are adamant that every single family member be invited including older out-of-town relatives the groom has never met, and some rather shady cousins who by the groom's own admission will come for the free food but will not give a gift. How can we gracefully contain this situation without offending? My daughter and her fiance are getting stressed by this and it's spoiling the wedding plans. It' s also stretching our budget to more than we would like to spend.

A This isn't his grandmothers' wedding. Set a criteria as to who is being invited to the wedding. Make it clear to everyone that your budget, say, allows for 100 guests, who will be divided into four categories: 25 close friends of the bride, 25 close friends of the groom, 25 close family and friends of the bride's parents, 25 close friends of the groom's parents. Therefore, the groom's parents' 25 guests include themselves, the groom's grandparents, and any other close friends or relatives of the groom's parents they choose to make up their 25.

You need to set boundaries. Talk to the groom's parents and make it clear to them that you want them to send you a list of 23 people they would like invited, keeping in mind that a married couple is counted as two people. By breaking it down into numbers in this manner, you will help the grandmothers to understand that if the grandmothers invited all the family they want to come, there wouldn't be any spaces left for the bride and groom's friends, the bride's family and friends or the groom's parents' friends. This isn't the groom's family's reunion, this is the blending of two families.

As I said, as the bride's parents, you set the budget, meaning the number of guests. Then it is up to the bride, the groom, and the groom's parents to give you the names and addresses of those they wish to have invited. Remind the grandmothers that they are welcome to host a post wedding party for the wedding couple to introduce them to the groom's large and extended family. In that case, presents wouldn't be an issue because only those who attended the wedding would be obligated to send a present.

You can even help the wedding couple whittle down their lists by having them set their own criteria in only inviting friends, say, that they had seen or talked to within the past year. I know this all sounds too difficult, but if you don't set monetary boundaries and criteria for the guest list, the wedding will get out of control and you don't want that, do you?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest of a Guest
Q Hi Didi,

I have another question for you regarding the rehearsal dinner invitations for our son's wedding. My nephew and his fiancee were living together and the bride's family sent the wedding invitation addressed to both of them by name to the said address. Since then, I heard through another relative that my nephew and his fiancee have called off their engagement. How should I address my nephew's invitation? Just to him only or should I put his name plus guest? Thank you.

A Pick up the phone and ask your nephew if he would like to invite a guest to your son's wedding. If he says he needs time to think about it, tell him that you need to know her name, if he would like to bring a guest, and to please call you with her name and address and you'll send her an invitation.

You need to know the names of everyone who is attending whether you are writing up place cards or not. Plus, every invitee eighteen years and older receives his/own invitation, unless they are married or living together; then there is one invitation addressed to both going to the same address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guest of Guest
Q I am having a wedding this April and I have a question about invitations. If I am only using an outer envelope, what is the proper way to say..and guest? I have been invited to weddings where I have been allowed to bring a guest, but this has been stated on the outer not the inner envelope. The type of invite I am sending is only going to allow me to have an outer.
thank you
wendy

A You know what? It gets complicated when you don't know the name of the guest of the guest. A good bride knows exactly who is coming to her wedding. So, you need to email or call your friend and say, "If you would like to bring a date to my wedding, would you please give me her/his name and address, so that we can make her feel personally invited?" Then he/she will get back to you. When speaking with that guest, say that you need the name for her/his place card. Not a big deal. You're just a good bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Bringing Guests
Q How do you know if you can bring a date to a wedding?... what if you are a girl and are invited to a wedding, can you still bring a date?


A Your Save-the-Date might say "and Guest" after your name. If so immediately contact the wedding couple to give them the full name of your date. Then when the invitation arrives, his name will be on the envelope as well. If he has a different address and you want him to receive his own invitation, then you would also give the wedding couple his address. If there was no "and guest" on the wedding invitation, you have not been invited to bring a "Guest." Chances are they are inviting you as a single woman. If you would like to bring a date, then you would ask the wedding couple, if you can. Wedding facilities have strict fire codes limiting the amount of guests and you might not be able to bring a date. But take heart, if you are being invited as a single woman, there will be single men there with whom you can dance.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Inviting Friends
Q My son is getting married and my daughter is matron of honor. She and her husband live in Italy. Their invitation is addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Her husband is not able to attend because of his job and the distance involved. Is it proper for my daughter to ask her husband's sister to attend in his place? She knows they would not be seated together. My son says this is not correct, as he knew in advance that her husband was not attending and is limited at this time. I feel being it is his sister, he should be more accomodating. I'm feeling heartbroken about this situation and would appreciate your views on proper etiquette.

A If this is a seated dinner and there is dancing, then good hosts try to invite an even number of men and women. Even if your son knew in advance that his brother-in-law would be unable to attend, it is proper etiquette to invite the married couple. However, that doesn't mean that your daughter has carte blanche to invite a date. Especially if the date isn't someone she would be dancing with. If your daughter would like to have an escort, then she should ask her brother if she could invite one of her childhood male buddies, who is a platonic friend.

It would be awkward for your daughter to show up with her husband's sister, if she hadn't received her own invitation from the wedding couple. If they had wanted her to be with them at this special event in their lives, they would have sent her an invitation.

Please, don't feel brokenhearted about this situation. This is not your daughter's wedding, this is a very special time in the life of your son and your new daughter-in-law. This wedding is all about them, it is not about your daughter and her husband's sister.

On a more practical note, you must remember that these are austere times and hosting a wedding during this economic downturn is hugely expensive. The cost for hosting each guest at a seated dinner reception can cost from $100 upward. As I said, if the bride's parents had wanted to host your daughter's husband's sister, they would have sent her an invitation.

I understand that you feel that this is a family occasion, but in these austere times, far reaching extended family such as this are not generally included at a wedding. Please, cut the wedding couple and the bride's parents some slack and back off about wishing that your daughter could invite a female guest. Suggest to your daughter that she make special time to spend with her husband's sister either before or after the wedding.

If you make a big deal out of this, it will only create an unpleasant memory that you do not want to be responsible for having fostered. Let it go. I do understand your frustration, but you need to let this go for the sake of your son.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Inviting Guests
Q My niece wants to invite friends to her wedding and on some invitations the option of bringing a guest is allowed and others not allowed. In one situation the couple is married and she only wants the husband to attend. I do not agree. How should we handle this.

A Remember it is your niece and her fiance's wedding, so they can invite whomever they please. However, in my opinion, it would be rude and mean to invite only one spouse. If she doesn't want the wife, then she has to decide whether or not to invite the couple. Suggest to her that she should put herself in the wife's shoes. How would she feel if her husband was invited to a wedding but she wasn't? As to inviting single people just by themselves or to invite them to invite a guest: this is best done on an individual basis. If there is dancing at the wedding, she needs to keep track of how many men with whom the women can dance. Also, if it is a seated dinner, she would want to seat the tables girl-boy-girl-boy because it is a heterosexual wedding. Therefore, it is best if she invites extra singles as singles so that everyone gets to get out on the dance floor. If, say, a friend is in a committed relationship and is living with a partner, then she should include "and guest," or better yet she should find out the full name of the partner and include it on the envelope of the invitation. Nowadays, partners are treated as spouses and are always included in the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Guests Who Won't Attend
Q Do we send wedding invitations to guests whom we know will not be able to attend?

A Yes, especially if you received a wedding invitation or their wedding in the past. Even if you know that people cannot come, they often like the contact. However, as you know, just because they receive the invitation, it does not mean that they have to send a wedding present. You only send a wedding present if you attend the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Honour + Favour
Q How do you know which way to spell honor on wedding invitations?

A Generally speaking, when you use the word "honor" in connection with a wedding, you use the English spelling, "honour." The English spelling is also used for the word "favour," as on the reply card: The favour of a reply is requested by June first. If you do not want to use "honour," the alternative is: Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So request the pleasure of your company at the marriage.... So: if you use the English spelling with favour, you would be consistent and use "honour" on the invitation. Favour and honour might seem pretentious, but once it is printed on the invitation, the words give a certain elegance that honor and favor don't.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: If Parents Are Remarried
Q When bride's parents have remarried and are both contributing toward the wedding, how should the announcement read on invitations? Just our names or both our names and our spouses? thanks

A Traditionally, if both of the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the names of the new spouses would not appear on the invitation and the mother's name would come first.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Including Children
Q We are a senior couple. We have purchased wedding invitations that have only one envelope. My question is....how do I address the envelopes to include children under eighteen?



A Address the envelope to the parents. On the actual wedding invitation, in the upper right hand corner of the invitation write the names of the people to whom you are inviting:

Fred and Alice,
John, Olivia,
and Danny

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Ink Color
Q How important is it for the inner envelope to have the same color ink as the invitation and the outer envelope?

A In terms of uniformity, you would have all the ink, say, black, especially if it is a formal wedding. However, if the wedding is either semi-formal or informal, you might have gray, green, blue or brown ink; whichever you decide, be sure the envelopes and the invitation have the same color ink.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inner Envelope Sealing
Q Do you seal the inner envelope for a wedding invitation?


A Traditionally, the inside envelope is ungummed and, therefore, cannot be sealed. So, if your envelopes are gummed, do not seal them. It is not necessary to seal them.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inside Envelope with Given Names
Q On the inside envelope of a formal wedding invitation to very close freinds I would rather use the married couple's first name instead of Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Which name goes first, the man's or woman's? Is it okay to use their first names? They will think it odd if I write Mr. and Mrs. Brown.

A If the wedding is formal enough to use inside envelopes, then you would use Mr. and Mrs. Brown. It is fun and the recipient knows that it is a formal invitation. It is never okay to use just first names on the inside invitation. Keep to your style and stick to it, otherwise guests get confused when you send them mixed messages.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation From Hell
Q I received an invitation to a party (BYOB) that stated the bride and groom had paid for their plane tickets and hotel in Mexico, but "fun" cost more. Then advised guests to bring money ($5, $10, $20 or more) for the couple to help pay for their honeymoon! Should I have NOT been offended? Is there ANY situation where this type of behavior is acceptable? I personally cannot think of even ONE.

A This sounds like one "fun" party you might want to regret. If you do not attend the party, you are not required to send a gift. However, if you wish to sustain the relationship, you might send a wedding card.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation and Save the Date Timing
Q How far ahead of the wedding do the invitations go out? If you use a "Save this Date Card" and if you do not use the card?

A The STD goes out a year to four months before the wedding date. The invitation, whether there is a STD or not, would go out at least six weeks before the wedding date. Many are going out eight weeks prior for, say, a June wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invitation Schedule
Q How soon should wedding invitations be sent out?

A Eight to six weeks prior to the wedding date, depending upon the time of year. For instance the months of May, June, September and December are popular wedding months, so you would want to mail your invitations eight weeks ahead of time, allowing five days for the mail service.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Invite Only Those Who Are Also Invited to the Reception
Q My daughter is getting married next year. We are on a very tight budget and can not afford to have everyone she wants to invite to come to both the wedding and reception. Is it okay to invite people to the wedding and only invite a select amount to the reception? We are unable to afford to have all of them at the reception. Or is it better only to invite the people to the wedding that we can have at the reception?

A It is better only to invite the people to the wedding that you invite to the reception. Those who are only invited to the church will feel slighted, if they are not invited to the reception; they'll think you're just trying to fill the pews in the church by inviting them.

There are lots of ways to save on a wedding, if you're smart about it. For instance most people think a buffet is cheaper, when in fact it really isn't. Also, the earlier in the day the wedding begins, the less you'll spend on food, drinks, staff, flowers and music. You can have a luncheon, picnic, or a "cocktail buffet." Other ways to save include: having your invitations printed by an Internet printing company; forgoing party favors (most people leave them behind anyway); keeping the flowers to a minimum (you can rent plants); negotiate for a band or DJ, a photographer, and the wedding cake baker. These days wedding vendors are looking for business so they are amenable to cutting the price when you bargain. As to the wedding dress, the Internet is loaded with bargains: David's Bridal and J. Crew have a range in prices and sizes for every bride, bridesmaid, and mother of the bride or groom.

Lastly, be creative. You have lots of time to research and network with friends and family. Have conversations with people who know people who know or are related to florists, caterers, car services, the garment business, etc. You have the luxury of having time on your side. Take a deep breath and then communicate with everyone you know who might be able to help you with goods and services, otherwise called vendors.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting a Guest with "and Guest" on the Envelope
Q How to address wedding invitation when?
- Using only outer envelopes, NO inner envelopes and inviting single (unmarried) person and Guest?



A I'm not a fan of adding "and Guest" on the envelope. The problem with opening that door with an open invitation is that you don't know the guest and that original guest could ask anyone to be their guest and even bring more than one guest without you about knowing it. You need to know who is coming to your wedding. Pick up the phone and call the single person to ask: Would you like to bring a guest? If they say, "yes," then get the name of their guest and their address, because you'll need it for your master list. In theory, anyone over the age of eighteen receives their own invitation, unless of course they are married or living with the invitee, and then that guest's name is included on the envelope whether they are married or not.

Think of it this way, what if a single man you invited to bring "and guest" turned around and invited his girlfriend and her two small children? Believe me, it happens more than you know.

It's your wedding, you're paying a set amount of money for each and every guest no matter the age of the guest, so take control of your guest list before your list gets out of control.

Specifically, when you know the partner's name, you would address the envelope accordingly. If, say, the original guest's name is James Stewart, the envelope would be addressed:

Mr. James Stewart and
Ms. Charlotte Howard
(their address)

When the invitee is a woman, she would be addressed first and her partner second:

Ms. Elizabeth Winthrop and
Mr. George Warren
(their address)

When the man is the invited person and his partner is the same sex:

Mr. Charles Wilson and
Mr. George Bronson
(their address)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting a Recent Widow/Widower
Q Our daughter is getting married this April. A friend's wife passed away last May. In sending an invitation to the wedding, do I include "and guest" or is this too soon? We have not spoken with him since the funeral.

A That's a very sensitive question, thanks for asking it. On the one hand, you don't want to put added social pressure on the widower to find a friend to accompany him. On the other hand, it might be easier to go to such a festive, happy event with someone with whom he feels comfortable. If you have a widow, divorcee, or other single woman on your guest list whom you can seat the widower with, then don't invite him to bring a guest. Seat him with her. However, should he call you to ask if he can bring a friend, then take down her name and address for your guest list and send her an invitation. You would tell him to tell her to be expecting an invitation from you. That way you have her name for her place card and she has the dress code information from the invitation and the address to where to send a wedding present.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Groom's Deceased's Wife's Family
Q My fiance is a widower with young children. We maintain a relationship with his late wife's family. Should they be invited to our wedding?

A In support of the children, who will no doubt be a part of the wedding, you would invite their mother's family. It is all about the children. If their mother's family choose not to attend, don't take it personally. Her death may still be too painful and raw. My best advice is to keep the children's family as whole as possible. That, my dear, will serve you well. We are becoming a community of extended families supporting all family members.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Siblings' In-Laws
Q Our son was married last year. Our daughter is getting married soon. Do I invite my son's new in-laws to our daughters' wedding?? They do not live in the same state, although we are friendly with them. I am thinking we should. Thank you! Janet

A You're totally correct going with your gut feeling. Invite them. They might not accept, but at least they won't feel left out. They will have heard about the wedding and wondering, just as you are, how to respond.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Some to Ceremony and All to the Reception
Q My fiance and I are planning a small private wedding with a larger reception afterwards. How do you word the invitations to the guests that are only being invited to the reception? (the reception is being paid for by the bride's parents and the bride and groom).

A You would have two sets on invitations: one to the wedding that states "and at the reception immediately following" and another just for the reception.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the presence of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
on Saturday, the first of May
at five o'clock
Trinity Church
and at the reception immediately following
The Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Then the second invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
of their daughter
Caroline Elizabeth
and
Mr. William Shakespeare
after the ceremony
on Saturday, the first of May
at seven o'clock
at the Inn at Castle Hill
Newport

R.S.V.P. card enclosed

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting Someone Who Doesn't Know Either the Bride or the Groom
Q I am the groom's mother. Is it proper etiquette if I want to invite some friends of mine who have never met him? Thanks, Gail

A Traditionally, the groom's parents invite a quarter of the guests, and of course you would be inviting them because they know your son, and perhaps his fiancee as well. I should think the person would feel uncomfortable attending the wedding of someone they didn't know, which is probably why I've never been to the wedding of someone I didn't know.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Inviting the Former Husband's Widow
Q Hello again.
My second daughter is getting engaged soon (we think). Her Dad and I divorced years ago, he remarried and died a few years after he remarried. She, call her Ramey, came to the first daughter's wedding and told everyone how nice it was that the groom had called her to ask for my daughter's hand!(Of course he called me but I didn't say anything while she went on and on.) Does the new groom need to call her again or can't we just move on? She's remarrying right after the second daughter's and her groom's birthdays. They were planning a big birthday party and she doesn't even know it is their birthday yet she's planning her wedding that same weekend.
She's rude and we don't like her.
Thoughts? I don't think I can bear another two evenings with her again. Fussy Mother of the bride. : - )

A My dear, there is no need--whatsoever--for you to continue this charade with your former husband's second wife. You've tolerated her--and been polite to her--for far too long. The nice thing about being slightly older is that you can "forget" to invite her. Unless your second daughter has bonded with her father's second wife, there is no reason in the world that she, or you, should have to invite her to one more family event. Since she's moved on, you should all move on, too. It's no fun being hypocritical.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Itinerary Listing of the Events
Q Hello Didi: I am making invitations for a bride who is being married Memorial Day weekend. The wedding on Sunday and the brunch on Monday are hosted by the parents of the bride.

The bride and groom would like to invite their guests to join them in a "night on the town" Friday evening and golf on Saturday. They want to make it clear these are unhosted events and guests will be paying on their own. Is there an acceptable polite way to say this on the invitation insert? They will need to include the activities on the rsvp card to see how many will be joining them and arrange tee times.

Thanks so much. This is a sticky one!!

A My question is this. What's going on Saturday night? That's what the guests - especially the out-of-town-guests - are going to want to know.

On the insert have a section called 'Itinerary of hosted + on your own events': List chronologically all events with their times, identifying them when applicable as "On Your Own" - meaning they pay to participate in the activity. When the guest has to RSVP to an On Your Own Event, there should be a contact phone number to confirm, say, the tee time. etc. When they phone, make it clear about all parking and any fees involved.

We like hearing from you.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Judge and Her Husband
Q How do I address a wedding invitation to Judge Robert Foster and his wife?

A For a judge of a lower court and his wife, the outside envelope would be: The Honorable Robert Frost Foster and Mrs. Foster. The inside envelope would be: Judge and Mrs. Foster.

Remember, when formally addressing the judge, as on the outside envelope of a formal wedding invitation, you would use the middle name and spell it out.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Labels: Inside Envelope
Q We are addressing my daughter's wedding invitations with labels for the outside envelope. Do we hand-write the inside or do we make labels as well?

A In my opinion, for a formal style wedding where you are using inside envelopes you would follow the formal style and hand-write all envelopes.
I'm sorry, I know you're not going to like my answer, but I feel that the most successful weddings owe their success largely because they followed one style and keep to it.

Otherwise things can get sloppy. If you choose the informal style, then labels are fine, but the informal style would not include an inside envelope. Even if you used a semi-formal invitation for, say, a wedding that didn't have a Black Tie dress code, and you used the inner envelope, you still wouldn't use labels. Labels define the style for better or for worse. The more formal the wedding, the more special you want your guests to feel about having been invited. Be consistent. Either hand-write all the envelopes or use labels on the primary envelope and forgo the inner envelope.

Thank you for your interesting question and I hope to hear from you again with more questions about your wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Ladies First
Q What is the proper way of writing this???? Son of Gail and Gil Tressle or Son of Gil and Gail Tressle????? Also when the reception to a destination wedding is given by the groom's parents, is the bride's name still written first on invite...example...Jennifer Brown and Curt Tressle will marry on Aug. 14th but reception will be held on Aug. 29th, etc.......?????

A Usually, you attach the man's name to his last name. You wouldn't separate the man's first name from his last name. Ladies first. When in doubt, put the woman's name first.

Just so you know, usually the groom's parents' name is not on the invitation for a Christian wedding. Traditionally, if any parent is on the invitation it would be the bride's, as the bride's parents would be "giving the bride away in marriage" to Mr. Curt Tressle (not to his parents).

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Latest Trends In Wedding Invitations
Q First off, is this not the cutest invitation you've ever seen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di_6bDAPAt4&list=FLej7je5kUfcs&index=3

Secondly, I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out what to wear. The wedding is at 6, but that part will be very short and it's "just to make it legal" as their big, formal wedding will come later in Spain. After they're married, a party bus and everyone is going to bar hop to all their favorite places. I mean, we're talking New Orleans. And of course, they had to complicate things by saying "add a funny touch." So I have a very pretty long silky dress bursting with color with some bead work around the bust area. But I also have a lot of shorter cocktail-type dresses. I'm also on crutches because I broke my leg a month ago and will only be going to the ceremony and the first bar. Any ideas? I know this is a unique situation...I'd appreciate any thoughts. Thanks!

A Thanks for the youtube video. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now about you. You don't want to be traipsing around New Orleans climbing, or crawling, in and out of the party bus while bar hopping in a long dress when you're on crutches. Wear a very sexy, but comfortable short cocktail dress. As for the something funny part, you don't need any props because you've already got them--your crutches. There is nothing sillier than a beautiful,sexy woman on crutches!

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: List
Q My son is getting married...he is under the assumption the same amount of people should be at the reception for each family. I think that's impossible. What is proper ...in other words, should both families be allowed 60 invitations? If one family is bigger than the other, how does that work? Should the groom's family pick up the tab for the additional people on their side? He thinks the bride's family will feel bad if the groom has more people. HELP??????

A The goal of a wedding invitation list is to have the bride and groom equally represented. Nowadays, that is not always possible because one family may be from a different town, city or state, or may have not lived in the town as long as the other family, and therefore they may not be as connected socially. Both families might start with their own lists that include close relatives and friends and then as budget allows add on relatives and friends, who are not as close; factoring in the guess as to who might or might not come from afar. If the bride's family cannot afford to host all those on the list and the groom's family can afford to pitch in, the families will divvy up the expenses with one parent acting as treasurer for paying the bills.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: List
Q We are paying a hefty price for our daughter's upcoming wedding. She believes that I should not invite individuals to her wedding that she does not necessarily know (for example, our professional contacts that know her but not well or those that we have not been in close contact with lately). However, she and her intended are inviting multiple individuals that we have never met. Is there a certain protocol or guidelines of who is to be invited? Please help! Thanks

A To settle this common dilemma, most families will come up with a formula to divide the guest list into, say, five sections: bridal party, bride's closest friends not in the bridal party, groom's closest friends not in the bridal party, the bride's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party, and the groom's parents' closest friends and relatives not in the bridal party. So: if the bridal party consists of, say, twenty people including the bride and groom, the other four lists would be divvied up; perhaps into groups of forty of fifty, which would include the spouses or partners of these people. Traditionally, the importance of both families are represented equally with the relatives allotted to the parents' lists. In cases where the groom's family is coming from out-of-town, say, and you assume only a small percentage of those invitations will be acceptances, you might be able to send out a small second batch of invitations to locals to fill out the ranks because everyone likes to see a full church at a wedding. As I do not know the circumstances, it is difficult to give you a proper answer. However, I do know that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and it should not be considered a pay-back for the wedding couple's parents' friends. Often the parents might give a cocktail party prior to the wedding just for their friends, thus acknowledging the friendship in order to sustain the relationship when they are not invited to the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing "and Guest"
Q When addressing the outer envelope for a wedding do you add "and guest" to the invitee's name or is it added to the inner envelope only?

Thank you for your assistance. You helped us on a prior occasion and being we are printers we come across many of these questions.


A Please, never use "and guest," unless you're desperate for guests. It is tacky. Pick up the phone or email the invitee and say, "Would you like to bring a guest to our wedding (or our daughter's wedding)?" Get the full name and address of the invitee's guest and send the guest of the guest his or her own invitation if they don't live together. If they live together, then on the outside envelope write the invitee's name on the top line and the guest's name underneath. On the inside envelope write Mr. Shakespeare and Ms. Dickinson. That's the way it should be done for a nice wedding. Therefore, there would be no need for you to write "and guest" on the inside envelope either.

Believe me, you will want the name and the address of every invitee's guest for several reasons: place card, table card, seating list, and for the thank-you note to the guest. Set up an excel spread sheet listing all of the invitees and list the invitees' guests under the invitees information. This way you will have a master list not only for the wedding but for all events leading up to the wedding as well as a row to check-off when the thank-you note to the guest has been mailed. You will save yourself so many headaches if you take charge of the guest list from the get-go. You will want to know every invitee's guest's name. You don't want any unpleasant surprises, such as the invitee showing up with two guests instead of one and there is no seat at the table for the uninvited guest.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing Parents' Names
Q My fiancee's parents are expecting our invitations to be formal, which for the most part is fine, except they are a non-divorced couple, and my parents are divorced. Her parents expect their own names to appear as:

"Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Name"

My father's name can simply appear as "Mr. Michael Blank," however my mother is remarried to Howard Smith, therefore it is generally suggested that she be listed with my stepfather as: "Mr. and Mrs. Howard Smith." Now Howard Smith is an important 3rd parent to me, but I would like very much to honor my mother a bit more by actually printing her name. So is it possible to write something like:

"...son of
Mr. Michael Blank
and
Mrs. Susan and Mr. Howard Smith"

I'm catching some flak because I'm not utilizing "proper" etiquette. I agree that 99% of the time, "Mr. and Mrs. Howard Smith" works just fine. However, on the most important day of my life, I would like to show some extra appreciation for the woman who is not only married to Howard Smith, but in fact raised me for 8 years with no husband and is mostly responsible for me being what I am today. I feel hiding a woman's first name as part of her husband's when they are in an ongoing union (and therefore a family institution) is ok, though even I would be willing to allow it to be "unhidden." However, I am taking into account the vastly different circumstances that are created with divorced households, and the very personal and often indescribable feelings that go along with them.

One of the main problems with doing this is that it would create a scenario where her parents' and my parents' names are written in different formats. Is that ok? So, how would I keep as close to proper etiquette as possible while still allowing for my mother's first name to appear as part of the invitation - and more importantly, how do I do it without disrupting the traditional trend? Rough example follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Name"
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
FIANCEE
to
GROOM BLANK
son of
Mr. Michael Blank
and
"Mrs. Susan and Mr. Howard Smith"
etc...

or something...HELP!


A In answer to the first part of your interesting question of "how would I keep as close to proper etiquette as possible?" The answer is pure and simple: follow tradition. Traditionally--and for perhaps just this reason--in the Christian faith especially, only the bride's parents names are on the wedding invitation because they are giving the bride away in marriage to Mr. So-and-So.

The appropriate place for the groom's parents' names to be listed is in the program for the ceremony that is handed out by the ushers/groomsmen at the start of the wedding ceremony. That is where both parents names are listed along with any stepparents, partners, or other significant people, which might also include those close relatives that are deceased.

There is no problem here. If you have chosen the style of a formal wedding over a semi-formal or informal wedding, then you stick to the protocol of the formal invitation in which only the bride's parents are listen on the invitation. Think about it. The bride's parents are giving their daughter away in marriage to you. Your parents and stepfather are not giving the bride away, and they aren't marrying your fiancee either. This is all about the bride, who in most cases is giving up her last name for yours as she becomes part of your family, with the approval of her parents. It is not the place to honor your parents. It wouldn't make sense to put your parents' names on the wedding invitation.

Customarily, the groom's family are introduced and take center stage at the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. That is the purpose of the rehearsal dinner. That's when all the groom's family members who are hosting the rehearsal dinner are listed on the invitation; the bride's parents are not listed on the rehearsal dinner invitation. So the next day at the wedding, most of the bridal party will have already been introduced to the groom's lovely mother and supportive stepfather, as well as to his birth father.

There are real reasons to follow the rules of tradition, and your excellent question is one of them. If this is a formal wedding as you say, the invitation would read as such:

Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Wilson Blank (spell out all middle names)
request the honour of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Mr. Michael Jones Blank, Jr.

Then on the wedding ceremony program the family would be listed accordingly:

Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Wilson Blank, parents of the bride
Mrs. Susan Wilson Smith, mother of the groom
Mr. Howard Ross Smith, stepfather of the groom
Mr. Michael Jones Blank, father of the groom

In this situation your bride's parents are correct and, in my humble opinion, you need to follow their lead here and find creative ways to introduce and acknowledge your mother and stepfather. For instance, at the rehearsal dinner and/or at the wedding reception you can give a toast to your mother with a mention of your stepfather. I am sure that everyone will be moved by your words and understand that you appreciate all that your mother has done for you. Posing a toast to your mother is the highest form of acknowledgment and highly appropriate.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Listing Remarried Parents
Q My stepdaughter is getting married soon. Both of her parents are remarried. The mother lives in the USA with me and the father in Europe.

In a Christian marriage, typically the biologoical parent gives away their own daughter. As this will not be possible (father cannot travel from Europe), should I ask his permission to stand in his stead and perform this for him?

Also, in both engagement and wedding announcements how would I word it? Would I include myself as part of the "parents section" as the stepfather, or only my daughter's biological father, or both of us and if so, how would I word it?

Though her real father is a fine gentleman, making the trip or helping financially is not an option for him. Still, I would like to him to enjoy his involvement to the extent he can and to be sure he is given proper consideration. Our blended families are on very good terms. Do you have any suggestions?

Thank You........Bob

A It would be better if the bride asked her biological father for his permission for you to give his daughter away in marriage. For a traditional Christian marriage, the birth parents are listed on the invitation. In a not so traditional marriage, the invitation can list the birth parents and step-parents. But you have to remember that the traditional wording seems awkward when you use "their daughter." So, if you don't mind not taking that phrase literally, you can use it. Nowadays, the lines of etiquette are fairly flexible about that kind of thing. The important thing to remember is that the wedding couple should be comfortable with the arrangements.

The announcement would be from the birth parents, listing the stepparents towards the end of the newspaper announcement. Look at announcements in your local newspaper and follow the style of that paper. As for the invitation, you would lead with the name of the birth mother and stepfather, followed by the name of the birth father and stepmother:

Mr. and Mrs. William Samuel Thornton
and
Mr. and Mrs. John Lawrence Smith
request
the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Louise
to
Mr. Charles Sherman Dickens
Saturday the tenth of October
two thousand and ten
at six o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

It goes without saying, that you would insert your own information and these lines would be centered on the front of the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Maiden Name After Divorce
Q The woman and I are divorced. I can't stand to hear his last name. How do we word the wedding invites?

A There is nothing wrong with your fiancee using her maiden name on the wedding invitation. Is that what you're asking? A lot of women use their married name after a divorce.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mailing Date of Invitation and Reply Card
Q How far in advance do I send out wedding invitations and how soon before the wedding do we ask for the favor of their reply?

A Take into consideration the date of the wedding. If the wedding is over a June, July, August, September or December weekend, you would send the invitations out two months prior to the date. Figure that it takes five days for the invitation to reach the guest. You might already have an idea of who will be able to attend by responses you've received, if Save the Date cards have been sent out. Even though there is no RSVP on a Save the Date card, guests will usually let you know by telephone, email, or in conversation whether they will be able to attend or not. If you are in communication with most of the guests and you've sent out a Save the Date card, you can send the invitation out six weeks prior to the date, asking guests to send back their reply cards or RSVP a month to ten days prior to the date, again, depending upon the situation. For instance, if there are other invitations that have to go out, say, for the rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon, post-wedding brunch, then you would need to send the wedding invitations out two months prior to the wedding and make the reply return card date a month prior to the wedding. That is a conservative, safe way to schedule; however, often, when guests are forced to reply too early, there inevitably will be changes in plans and people who will forget until the last minute to send in their replies. An incentive is to reserve a block of rooms at a hotel or motel at a discount, information for which would have been on the Save the Date Card. Let the guests know that they will be entitled to a 15% discount (depending upon the hotel) if they reserve their room before a certain date. Then you can telephone the hotel from time to time to find out who has secured a room with their credit card. You ask how far in advance? To be safe, send the invitation two months from the wedding and make the return date a month before. Can you make the times shorter? Of course, because every wedding has its own flow. Be sure to check with the caterer or facility that is producing the venue to find out when they need a final head count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Male First or Female
Q Who speaks first when a person walks in the room? Is it the person walking in or the people already in the room?

#2 When printing out wedding invites does the male name go on first or the female?

A The person walking into the room announces his arrival by greeting those already in the room.

When addressing wedding invitations to guests, you would address the envelope to Mr. and Mrs. James Adams Smith. You would include the middle name and spell out the middle name. For instance you would spell out Adams instead of using "A." whenever possible.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Miss or Ms.
Q When addressing wedding invitations, is it appropriate to use Miss or Ms. for unmarried guests?

A If you are not sure how the woman wishes to be addressed and she is eighteen years of age or younger, she would be Miss. Older than eighteen, she would be Ms.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Missing Reply Card
Q Some friends from out of state are throwing an engagement party in the city I live in for their son and his fiancee, who grew up here. They're having the party at a private club to which I belong. I agreed to act as their "sponsor" so they can have the party there, which I'm happy to do.

I just received the wedding invitation. It included an envelope for my response, but no response card. Perhaps I lost it, but I don't think so. Perhaps they forgot it, or perhaps they just sent it to me because they thought I'd be interested to see it. How do I politely ask about it without assuming I'm invited to the wedding? FYI, the bride's family is from India and the invitation is very different from traditional Western-style invitations.



A Handwrite your response on your stationery and send it in the envelope that was enclosed with the invitation. You would write: Mr. Elliot Stultz and Mr. Marc Nied accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So's kind invitation for June 30th. Assembling wedding invitations is a process and it is possible that your reply card just didn't get into the outside mailing envelope. There is no reason to say anything to the friend because it was a mistake and calling attention to the missing card isn't necessary. On the other hand, since you are the sponsor and therefore want the friend to look good, you might pick up the phone and say, "I think that you should know that there was an oversight...." Who knows, the friend might say that in India, traditionally, the host only sends a reply envelope. By the way, you were obviously invited or you wouldn't have been sent the invitation or the reply envelope.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother and Stepfather Inviting
Q How should the invitation read for a mother and stepfather inviting people to the daughter/stepdaughter's wedding?

A The invitation would read somewhat like the following, you would, of course, substitute your own information and the lines would be centered properly on the card:

Mr. and Mrs. Norman Edward Walker
request the honour of your presence at
the marriage of Mrs. Walker's daughter
Amanda Caroline Hamilton
to
Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
on Saturday, the tenth of June
two thousand and six
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother Deceased, Father Remarried
Q On wedding invitations that are done by the bride whose mother is deceased and father has remarried, does the new wife's name get mentioned?

A This is an issue that might or might not be very painful for the bride, but it is a decision that she has to make; nobody can make it for her. You would show the bride two different wordings for the invitation and then ask her what she thinks of the type style, the color of the paper and ink, and the wording. Help her to think about what the invitation will look like and feel like to her. Show her the one with just the father's name that says "requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of his daughter Charlotte Caroline," and then show her this one (you would, of course, substitute your own information and center the lines on the page.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of Mr. Dickens' daughter
Charlotte Caroline
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride Kept Her Maiden Name
Q Dear Didi,

I kept my name when my hsuband and I got married over 30 years ago. I use a first initial (i.e. B. Anne Smith). My husband and I are hosting our daughter's wedding. Should I just go ahead and use Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown on the invitation? I would prefer not to since I don't use Mrs. Brown to identify myself, even socially. What is the appropriate wording on the invitation if I use my own name? Ms. Barbara Anne Smith and Mr. John Jay Brown, etc., or can I use B. Anne Smith? Either way, do we spell out our daughter's last name, i.e. Mary Anne Brown? Thank you for any and all advice. B.A.S, Fitchburg, MA


A Dear B.A.S,

You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you. The exact same thing happened to me. As a writer, I kept my married name. However, when it came to my daughter's marriage I too struggled with the decision as to what name to use. When ordering the invitations with my daughter at Tiffany & Co., we listed her parents as Mr. and Mrs. Robert William Cowley. It just seemed tidier, less confusing and more about her. After all, everyone receiving the invitation would be the wedding couples' friends and family.

Go with the style of the wedding and be consistent throughout. If it is an informal wedding that doesn't include, say, a reply card and a seated dinner with place cards, then use the informal names but drop the Ms. and Mr. because it sounds as though you are divorced when you use the prefixes Ms. and Mr. Whereas if you use Barbara Anne Smith and John Jay Brown, you sound more like a longtime couple.

What I want you to remember is that this wedding is all about the bride and groom. If they will be using Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Adams Wilson, then that is the style you want to adhere to throughout the wedding. Therefore, you would be Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown. Now, on the program card for the ceremony, where the bride's mother is listed, you can use Barbara Anne Smith; and in the newspaper announcement as well.

In other words, the invitation should focus on not who you are but rather who the bride is and whom she is marrying. You are obviously secure enough in who you are to be flexible enough to use whichever name fits the formality of the wedding.

Lastly, you don't use the daughter's last name when you use either of these examples, because everyone assumes she is the daughter of you both:

Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Anne
to
Mr. Christopher Adams Wilson
(date, time, place, dress code, etc.)

Barbara Anne Smith and John Jay Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Anne
to
Christopher Adams Wilson
(date, time, place, dress code, etc.)

As you can see in neither of the above examples would you use a last name for the bride. Otherwise, it is all about level of formality. ~Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride Using Her Title
Q Our daughter is getting married next Spring and since I am a woman clergy person, how do we address the wedding invitations? My husband is uncomfortable with The Reverend and Mr., but other clergy will be invited. Do I become Mrs. for the invitations? If we used the Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe request the honour of your presence, wouldn't it seem that we are divorced? Please help.

A If your husband was a doctor, wouldn't he use the title of "Dr." on the invitation? I think so. Socially, you and your husband are The Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe. Nowadays, it will not be perceived that you are divorced, if you are listed as The Reverend Jane Doe. Do remember that the "The" with a capital T is important. By the way, if you have a doctorate, your married name is actually The Reverend Dr. Jane Doe.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride: Name: Widowed + Divorced + Jr.
Q Please identify how mother of the bride should be listed on the wedding invitation when ...

She was a widow who remarried then used both husbands' last names until she divorced. After divorcing, she resumed using the last name of her deceased husband - not as a a widow (Mrs. John Smith) but as a single woman (Ms. Mary Smith). Provided the latter is the preferred option, should her maiden name be included as well? If not, and her deceased husband was a "junior," would that be included with the name?

A The mother of the bride can call herself whatever she wishes in this situation. However, when it is a formal invitation and the bride is the daughter of Mr. John Smith, formally her mother is Mrs. John Ross Smith. Because she was never divorced from Mr. John Smith, just from her second husband. Now, remember, if this is a formal invitation, you would spell out all middle names.

If this is not a formal wedding, the mother doesn't have to use any title and can use her middle name. Mary (maiden name) Smith, without any title would be appropriate.

About using Jr., you're really not supposed to use the suffix Jr. two years after Senior's death. Only, if the senior Smith is still alive would use Jr. to distinguish the deceased son from his living father. However, most people don't know that and hang on to the suffix because they like the ring to it and don't know any better. The exception would be if either senior or junior were a public figure, such as John F. Kennedy, Jr., or Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jr. Both men retained the suffix during their lifetime.

In this situation if the deceased was always known as John Ross Smith, Jr., then you would honor the deceased by using his name as he used it.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother of the Bride: Using Her Maiden Name
Q I kept my name when my husband and I got married over 30 years ago. I use a first initial (i.e. B. Anne Smith). My husband and I are hosting our daughter's wedding. Should I just go ahead and use Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown on the invitation? I would prefer not to since I don't use Mrs. Brown to identify myself, even socially. What is the appropriate wording on the invitation if I use my own name? Ms. Barbara Anne Smith and Mr. John Jay Brown, etc., or can I use B. Anne Smith? Either way, do we spell out our daughter's last name, i.e. Mary Anne Brown? Thank you for any and all advice.

A You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you. The exact same thing happened to me. As a writer, I kept my maiden name. However, when it came to my daughter's marriage I too struggled with the decision as to what name to use. When ordering the invitations with my daughter at Tiffany & Co., we listed her parents as Mr. and Mrs. Robert William Cowley. It just seemed tidier, less confusing and more about her. After all, everyone receiving the invitation would be the wedding couples' friends and family.

Go with the style of the wedding and be consistent throughout. If it is an informal wedding that doesn't include, say, a reply card, a seated dinner with place cards, then use the informal names but drop the Ms. and Mr. because it sounds as though you are divorced when you use the prefixes Ms. and Mr. Whereas if you use Barbara Anne Smith and John Jay Brown, you sound more like a longtime couple.

What I want you to remember is that this wedding is all about the bride and groom. If they will be using Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Adams Wilson, then that is the style you want to adhere to throughout the wedding. Therefore, you would be Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown. Now, on the program card for the ceremony, where the bride's mother is listed, you can use Barbara Anne Smith; and in the newspaper announcement as well.

In other words, the invitation should focus on not who you are but rather who the bride is and whom she is marrying. You are obviously secure enough in who you are to be flexible enough to use whichever name fits the formality of the wedding.

Lastly, you don't use the daughter's last name when you use either of these examples, because everyone assumes she is the daughter of you both:

Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Brown
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Anne
to
Mr. Christopher Adams Wilson
(date, time, place, dress code, etc.)

Barbara Anne Smith and John Jay Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Anne
to
Christopher Adams Wilson
(date, time, place, dress code, etc.)

As you can see in neither of the above examples would you use a last name for the bride. Otherwise, it is all about formality.

We like hearing from you.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Mother-In-Law from Hell: Hijacked the Wedding
Q My daughter is getting married. Originally in May 2013 and is now pregnant and moving up the date to January 2013. When the groom's mother was told last week she was of course upset. Come to find out, the main reason she was so upset was that she had taken it upon herself to decide and ordered and has received the invitations along with glasses, cake, etc. Today after my daughter's bridal fitting, her future mother-in-law stops me on the way out and hands me an envelope and says "Sweetie, don't forget your invitation to the wedding. I'm sorry, I didn't have your address. Do you think you'll be able tho find the chapel"? Confused, first thought, with, invitations have gone out and she's only known for a week? Second, why didn't I have a clue on the date? Third, why is she giving me an invitation to my own daughter's wedding? Later that night, I open the invitation, first thing I notice, there was tape over the date and the new date is written in pen. Next, and this is the clincher, not only is my daughter's name misspelled, but she has no parents. Only she and her husband apparently are giving and celebrating the marriage. My nor my husband's names are mentioned anywhere. I am livid!! Not only is it really tacky to tape and write on an invitation, but unless this is some kind of new thing, it's down right rude and disrespectful not to include the bride's mother and father on the invitation. I am beyond offended. Met the woman twice. Am I wrong? I'm not sure how to handle this situation either? Help!

Also, what is your view on sending out shower invitations preferring they send gift certificates instead of gifts? My personal opinion from seeing previous types of this situation, I think it's kinda tacky and rude, some people really resent that request.

A Wow! She sounds like a mother-in-law from hell. She hijacked the wedding. I'm surprised she is letting her son get married. Definitely a control freak out of control.

Studies have shown that it works best when the son-in-law is responsible for dealing with his parents, and likewise the daughter-in-law handles her parents. You need to sit down with your daughter and her fiance and talk about this. Your son-in-law-to-be needs to take some of the control away from his mother with her consent. Perhaps with the help of his father, if he's alive and they are still together.

The damage is done. You cannot get those invitations back, if they were mailed. What you can do is have your daughter, through her fiance, get a copy of the invitation list. Then if there are any friends and relatives that are not on the guess list that you want invited, make up your own guest list of who you all want to send an invitation. Then send out your own invitations with you and your husband doing the inviting and receiving the RSVPs. Do not make mention of gifts but have the couple fill out a bridal registry at the store of their choice. Through word of mouth to your family and friends, you can make it known where the wedding couple are registered.

Then when the RSVPs have all come in, your son-in-law can casually mention that they and you and your husband have, say, 32 guests coming who hadn't gotten an invitation from her and that you and your husband will be paying for those 32 guests. If she says anything, then your son-in-law explains that it is too late to uninvite them.

Since I don't know if the mother-in-law sent invitations to your and your daughter's friends and relatives, and in fact she did, it's too late to fix this. The reason you're taking back control of the wedding by sending out your own invitations is because, traditionally, the bride's family invite one quarter of the guests. Half the guests are the friends of the wedding couple. The parents divide the second half so the bride's parents and the groom's parents send out the same number of invitations.

There is a real lack of communication here and my point is that the sooner you establish communication the better. Should you have the time to let me know how the wedding worked out, I would appreciate hearing from you. This is an embarrassing situation for all concerned, but most of all for the groom's mother, which is why the groom should hijack back his wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Newspaper Announcement: Listing Remarried Grandmother
Q How do you address a twice widowed grandmother's name in a wedding announcement for her granddaughter? Our local newspaper includes the grandparents' names and we are not sure of the correct wording.

A The name that the grandmother is currently using would be listed followed by her late husband's like this: "and the late Harold George Wilson." Whether the grandmother uses the bride's grandfather's name as her middle name or not is up to her, otherwise she would use her maiden name or her last husband's middle name. The stepgrandfather's name would not appear in the announcement unless he was a huge part of her life. For instance, if the bride was raised by him, if he had paid for her college education, or through the grandmother paying for the wedding. It is common to see the names of stepparents, but not stepgrandparents in wedding announcements. The reader who sees the grandmother's current married name will deduce that she had remarried when both grandparents are listed in the same sentence.

The sentence in the newspaper announcement might be the following (inserting your own names). It is possible that your paper will use only the first initial of the middle name, but for a formal information you would spell out the middle names whenever possible.

The bride is (also) the granddaughter of Claudia Pratt Sherman and the late Harold George Wilson.

Remember that the program for the wedding reception is the appropriate place to list grandparents and stepgrandparents alive and deceased. At the end of the program there is usually a line honoring the deceased followed by the names of the deceased:

Today and everyday, we remember

Harold George Wilson, grandfather
John Pratt Sherman, step-grandfather
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: No Children
Q I do not want children besides those in the wedding to attend the reception. How do I word that on my reception cards in a nice way? I don't want to hurt any feelings, but we can't feed EVERYONE in the family! Can you help me?

A On the invitation envelopes, the names of those invited to the wedding are written clearly. If you make it crystal-clear on the outside envelope that Mrs. and Mrs. Charles Dickens are invited, and again on the inside envelope, if you use one, by writing Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, then you can reiterate that on the wedding invitation itself by writing in just the first names of the members of the family that you are inviting. In the upper left corner of the wedding invitation, you would write Elizabeth and Charles. When you name those invited by first name, other people cannot just show up. If you are worried about certain families, you can enclose a card the color of the invitation that says: We are terribly sorry, however, due to space restrictions we are unable to invite children. If someone still has the bad manners to say on their reply card that they are bringing other family members, then you pick up the phone and say: We are terribly sorry, but we are unable to invite any children not in the wedding party. You can use the excuse of space restrictions due to strict fire code laws. I am a huge fan of spreading the word through word of mouth. If you get the word out loud and clear, guests will be embarrassed to show up with an uninvited child. Set your boundaries and spread the word.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: No Children
Q How do you address no children on a wedding invitation? And when is a child not considered a child anymore?

A Nowadays, hosts are very concerned about their liability for underage drinking and do not invite anyone under the age of twenty-one, if they are serving alcohol. The exception would be members of the wedding party and close relatives. Children don't belong at adult parties because most adults had their first drink as a child at an adult wedding when an older cousin thought it cool to get little cousin smashed.

At a lot of weddings, hosts concerned about underage drinking will have signs on the bars stating the that minors won't be served. Set your boundaries. You can do so by addressing the outside envelope to just the parents. Then on the inside envelope, if you have one, address that to just the parents. Then if you are really worried, on the upper left hand corner of the guest's invitation write just the name of the friends, for instance: Elizabeth and John. When you are very specific, your guests will get the picture. Also, through word-of-mouth, get the word out that you are not inviting children, that you won't have tables for children, and therefore you won't be accommodating children. I'm a great believer of getting the word out through word-of-mouth. Also, have a cut-off date on your RSVP so that if a guest replies that they are bringing little Johnny and Emma, you can telephone that guest to say that you are not inviting guests to bring their children because there won't be accommodations for children.

Since you never want to have anything negative on an invitation, because it sets off a negative vibe, just keep to your boundaries of only inviting the mum and the dad.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Not Inviting All Spouses and Partners
Q Our wedding will be held at a very classy and expensive restaurant and followed by a small dinner party of 40. Because we are paying for it all, we cannot invite all the people we would want. At my job site in the past, a lot of people getting married have invited people solo. It has never been misinterpreted since the costs are being kept down and the co-workers are seated together. One of my co- workers took offense and decided to sever out friendship because of this. Please advise. This economy is encouraging people to make cuts in all areas- I'm sure this is happening a lot these days.

A I am sorry that one of your colleagues has taken offense and decided to sever your friendship because you are not inviting his spouse. Obviously, you considered him a close friend or he wouldn't have made the cut as one of the forty chosen guests.

My best advice to you is to send him a handwritten note saying something such as this: I am sorry that you don't understand the financial constraints of hosting a wedding during this downturn in the economy. Since we can only invite forty guests, we are unable to include many partners and spouses. Laura and I hope that you will understand and reconsider attending our very small wedding. Please let me know as soon as possible, if you can attend. Laura and I send kind regards to Charlotte and hope to have you both to dinner soon. Most sincerely,.

I understand if you don't want to write such a letter, but at this point you are either going to have one empty space at a table or you'll have to invite one of the spouses previously not invited.

After your wedding, the buzz will get around through your colleagues who witnessed the wedding that, indeed, it was a small wedding and not all spouses and partners were invited; then your friend who is bitter because his spouse was not invited will feel pretty small. Unfortunately, until that time, you are going to have to move on and invite one person to fill that empty seat.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Old Friend Not Invited
Q An old friend is getting married. I would like to send her a gift even though she didn't invite me to the wedding. Here are some details to consider:
-we didn't always have the best of times as friends; she was often jealous of me; what's worse is she liked the man I am married to and pursued him, but he didn't like her back and we ended up getting married so there still may be some hard feelings there.
-she told me a few months back that she would invite me to the wedding; either she forgot or she found some reason to hate me and so she didn't invite me.
-I wouldn't want this to come off as my begging for an invitation.
Thanks!



A Traditionally, when you are invited to a wedding and attend, you are expected to send a gift; if you are not invited and therefore don't attend, then you do not send a gift. If you do send a gift anyway, indeed it will come off as begging for an invitation. However, If you would like to sustain the friendship, for better or for worse, give the friend a poke to remind her that you exist. Invite her for lunch. She will either come clean about why she's not inviting you, or apologize for the "oversight." If in the end she does invite you, be sure to ask her where she is registered and send them an extra nice wedding present. Yes, you can probably find out where she is registered on the weddingchannel.com and send her a gift, but there is something divisive and devious about sending a wedding present to someone who hasn't invited you to her wedding. Either try to make amends, or forget it.

Is it possible that your husband once hooked up with her, dumped her, and she doesn't want him at the wedding?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Only Outer Envelope
Q How to address wedding invitations if you only have the outer envelope.

A You would use the "Mr. and Mrs." with the man's given name, say, James, as opposed to Jim, and if you know the middle initial, use it, otherwise just the last name will do. The important thing is to get the spelling of the names correct. All those eighteen and older receive their own wedding invitation. Girls are "Miss" until the age of eighteen, then they become "Ms." Boys are addressed as "Master" until the age of ten when they become "Mr." Children under eighteen are listed under the parents on the envelope:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles S. Dickens
Emily, George and Alice
then the address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents Are Remarried
Q If the parents of the bride are divorced and both remarried, how should the names on the wedding invitation be shown?

A If it is a formal wedding invitation, you would not use both sets of names, just the birth parents' names:

Mrs. William Rudolph Shakespeare
and Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents Host Wedding on Yacht
Q Dear Didi,

Thank you for this fabulous site! In a world and country where people are too rushed for conversation, your website is a welcome breath of fresh air, reminding me that yes, civilization does exist in North America, in this day and age!

In any case, my question is regarding invitation wording. I am a Christian woman whose parents, and my groom's parents, are hosting my wedding. I would like to use the formal wording, where both my sets of parents "request the honour of your presence"; however I am to be married on a yacht, and not in a church. The one caveat is that our faith is very important to us, and we will have our church pastor on board to marry us. Secondly, the wedding is as formal as any wedding on a yacht can be, albeit a small one.

What would you suggest? Finally, I wanted to honor my groom's parents who are also contributing to the wedding, and I thought I might do that by putting "son of Mr and Mrs. X" underneath my groom's name. Would that be appropriate? As my groom's family does not place tradition and formality in a high priority, I do not believe they would be offended by not listing them as co-hosts.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Thank you very much!

- Yours truly Newport Beach



A Thank you for your kind words. Your wedding sounds fabulous! As you know the formality of a wedding is reflected in the level of formality of the wedding invitation.

Traditionally, the bride's parents request the honor of the guest's presence at the marriage of their daughter to Mr. So-and-so in celebration of "giving her away." Customarily, the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, so that is their night to introduce themselves to close friends of the bride and groom whom they don't already know, as well as entertain those that they do. In this way the bride's family and the groom's family share the cost of the wedding.

In the Jewish faith, on the wedding invitation the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name:

Mr. Richard Ross
son of
Dr. and Mrs. Aaron Ross

If your groom's parents are Jewish, then they would expect to be honored in that way. If they are not, and you still wish to list them on the invitation, you can do so informally this way:

Mr. and Mrs. George Henry Warren
Mr. and Mrs. John Stuart Winslow
request the pleasure (honor) of your company
at the marriage of
Georgina Caroline
and
Mr. John Stuart Winslow, Jr.

Formal doesn't necessarily mean a big wedding, but it is reflected in the dress code. If the dress code is "Black- tie, then by all means, you could use the English spelling of "honour." By the way, as the wedding is not being held in a house of worship, traditionally, it is not considered a formal wedding, therefore the dress code would not be black-tie and you would not use the word "honour." What I do know is that it is important to be consistent in terms of the level of formality throughout the wedding planning from the invitation through the reception.

Since I don't know the time of the wedding, I don't know what would be appropriate. In my opinion, for a yacht wedding the dress code for the men in the wedding party would be a navy blue blazer with white or cream colored pants, white shirt, and a striped tie in the wedding colors. However, the fathers of the wedding couple might wear a dark suit with a solid tie in one of the wedding colors. The bridesmaids would wear a knee length dress in one of the wedding colors and your dress would be long but without much of a train, and certainly no long veil, both of which are associated with a formal church wedding. The mothers of the wedding couple would wear a dress or dressy dinner suit that falls just below the knee, not in the wedding colors, but in a shade of beige, green, blue, coral or taupe.

Footwear on a yacht is always a concern, and usually depends upon the weather or whether the boat leaves the dock as to the choice of docksiders or black Gucci loafers. You might need to check with the yacht's captain; likewise about lady's spike heels that can easily dent wood decking.

This is a rather long-winded answer to what would be appropriate, but since I don't know all the details you'll have to let me know what more you need to know.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents' Listing
Q On a wedding invitation, do the bride and groom's parents list the mother's name first? (Mary and Bob Smith)

A Sorry, but I do not understand your question. Would you please return to my Web site and ask the question again. This time you need to tell me if the style of the wedding is formal, semi-formal, or informal? Who is paying for the wedding? And whether the parents are divorced or not? Only on a very, very informal invitation would the bride's parents be listed as Mary and Bob Smith request your presence at the marriage of their daughter..... Please tell me whom you are planning on having listed on the invitation?

www.newportmanners.com

Thank you, didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents' Names
Q Does the bride and groom have to ask to put their parents' names on the wedding invitation?

A Let me get this straight, are you asking if the bride and groom have to ask their parents' permission before printing their parents' names on the invitation?

Since I'm not sure of the question, this is a general answer: the bride parents' names are traditionally on the first line of the invitation because they are presumably doing the inviting. Usually in a Christian wedding, the names of the parents of the bride are the only parents' names on the invitation because they are "giving their daughter away in marriage." In the ceremony, the priest asks who is giving this woman away and either the father or both parents answer that I (they) do.

If both families are paying for the wedding, then often both families' names are on the invitation.

It is considerate to check with the parents to find out how they wish their names to appear on the invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Parents' Names Listed
Q I know the bride's parents' names goes on the invitation, do the groom's parents' names go on the invitation also?

A Traditionally, only the bride's parents' names go on the invitation because they are giving her away in marriage. In the Jewish tradition the groom's parents are listed under the groom's name, preceeded by "the son of."

In less formal weddings, more and more, couples are either not mentioning their parents at all or both parents are listed. When the groom's parents are paying for the wedding, then they are listed on the invitation. The groom's family's time for recognition is on the invitation that they send out for the rehearsal dinner, which they host the night before the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Party Following Destination Wedding
Q My fiance and I are getting married in Cancun, Mexico, and sent out messages in a bottle to everyone which doubled as a save the date invitation as well as an invite to the wedding in Cancun. Upon our return from Cancun, we plan to have a recepetion here for guests that could not attend the destination wedding. I was wondering how to word the invitation for just the reception here, in our hometown.

A If you are hosting the party and sending out the invitation then you might use this substituting your own information:

Jill and David Winston
request the pleasure of your company
in celebrating their recent marriage
(in Cancun, Mexico June 16th)----not necessary
on Saturday, July 10th
seven o'clock
864 Bellevue Avenue
Newport

RSVP 000-0000-0000 (if you don't have a reply card)

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Physician's Assistant
Q Is there a specific way to address a wedding invitation to a physician's assistant and her husband?

A As this is a social invitation, you would send the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens. In other words, professional initials wouldn't be included in the name.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Stuart Dickens
Address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Post Wedding Reception
Q I am getting married abroad next year; when we come back we are holding a evening wedding reception. Please can you tell me on the invitations do I put my partner's name then my maiden name or my new married name? These invites will be sent out before we go abroad to get married so at the time of them going out I won't be married.

A It would depend on the formality of the invitation. For instance, if this is a fairly formal party with engraved invitations and a seated dinner, use Mr. and Mrs. William Clark Wilson. You would use your husband's name.

If this is a cocktail reception, then you could use: Anna Smith Wilson and William Clark Wilson. You wouldn't need to use Mr. and Mrs. and you could include your maiden name as your middle name. You would use your own names but center the lines on the card.

Anna Smith Wilson and William Clark Wilson
cordially invite you to their
post wedding reception
On Saturday, March 10, 2012
Six until Eight O'clock
The Claremont Hotel
1567 East Riverview Drive
Boston

RSVP

When you know all the details, I would be happy to write your invitation for you to give to the printer. For instance, for a more formal invitation, the second line could be: "request the pleasure of your company at their post wedding reception".

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Pre-Ceremony Dinner: Using Doctor
Q Hi Didi,

My fiance and I are hosting our wedding ceremony on the beach next to a prominent rock that is considered a landmark monolith and we rented a small beach cottage next to the rock to host a light supper beforehand (and also in case of rain, for the ceremony). How would we word the invitations for that since it is a private residence but not "OUR" private residence? Also, should we state on the invite that a light supper will be at 7 pm and the ceremony at 8:30 pm? The beach cottage, incidentally does not have a name. It's just someone's home that is a vacation rental. (We are having a more formal dinner and dancing- type reception the following day at a different location, which will be on a separate reception card, just fyi.) I need to let the stationers know the exact wording by tomorrow.

One more thing, my fiance is a Ph.D. - should that title be on the invite, where both are names are listed as the two getting married?

Thank you,
Natalie

A On the invitation for the ceremony list the time starts:

Pre-Ceremony Dinner: 7:00 P.M.
Ceremony: 9:00 P.M.

People actually like knowing the timeline.

As to listing your husband the doctor on the invitation. You can decide between you from either of these:

Alix Morris Smith and John Jay Adams
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage
on Saturday, May sixteenth

Pre-Ceremony Dinner: 7:00 P.M.
Ceremony: 9:00 P.M.

Address of event

or

Ms. Alice Morris Smith and Dr. John Jay Adams
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
Saturday, May 16th, 2013

Cocktails: 6:30 PM
Dinner: 7:30 PM
Ceremony: 9:00 PM

Address of event

My point is that I want you to be consistent in style, which should also mirror the style of your reception. If you use Dr. then you use Ms. as well. If you don't use Dr. then you don't use Ms.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: President + Mrs. and Vice President + Dr.
Q Hello Didi,
I am addressing my wedding invitations, and I was wondering the proper way to address the President and Vice President on both the inner and outer envelopes?
Are these examples correct?
Inners
Mr. President and Mrs. Obama
Mr. Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden
Outers
The President and Mrs. Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

The Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden
Number One Observatory Circle
Washington, DC 20500

A Use the surnames only.

The inside envelopes would read:

The President and Mrs. Obama

The Vice President and Dr. Biden

The outside envelopes would read:

The President and Mrs. Obama
The White House
Washington, D.C. 20500

The Vice President and Dr. Biden
United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20500

The presiding President and Vice President are addressed with "The," as in The President and The Vice President. According to Protocol: The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic Official and Social Usage, you would use just The White House and for the Vice President, it should be sent to the United States Senate. You do not use a street address for either.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Printing Problem
Q I am very upset right now. We are sending out wedding invitations for my daughter and they made a mistake. They put Mr. and Mrs. Pam and Jack Wallis instead of Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis. It is too late to order new ones? Help! Is this terrible wedding etiquette? I am really stressing over this. Please reply. Thank you

A If by chance you sent out save the date cards to your guests, then you can take the time to have the invitations reprinted. However, while you are having the invitations reprinted, get it correct this time. It is Mr. and Mrs. Jack Wallis; or informally, it is Jack and Pam Wallis. It is never Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Pam Wallis.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Priority of Festive Invitations
Q What are you supposed to send out first and or in order?
Save the dates?
Invitations to the wedding/reception?
Wedding shower invites?

A The order is this:

Save-the-Date for the date of the wedding. Usually a postcard, but more and more it is a card in an envelope. A good way to get feedback as to incorrect addresses that you'll need to correct for the wedding invitation. Can be sent anywhere from six months to closer to the date.

Shower invitations: no save the date needed. The closer to the actually wedding the better because you want to remind people of the wedding. People lead busy lives.

Invitation: Have it in the mail six weeks out.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Professional, Political and MilitaryTitles
Q When the hosts of a formal wedding (bride's parents) both have a professional or political title, who do you put first and what is the exact wording?
Bride's Father - Doctor
Bride's Mother - Mayor

Also, how do you include the military title of the groom?
Groom - 2nd Lieutenant, United States Air Force
Thank You



A The lines would be centered on the page:

The Honorable Elizabeth Stuart Wilson
and
Dr. George Sherman Wilson
request the pleasure of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
etc.
(Remember to spell out middle names.)

You would spell out the groom's full title and names:

Second Lieutenant John Brown Sherman

Socially, you would not include the initials of the branch of the armed service.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Program
Q Hi, please help to have a list for wedding reception programs, tips for the wedding coordinator. Thank you!


A Usually when the wedding couple meet with the minister at the church, they will be given a packet of information, which often includes a program from a prior wedding. Follow the style of the church or house of worship for a formal wedding. There are different forms depending upon the formality of the wedding. A good stationery store should have programs in the same style as the wedding invitation. An informal invitation would have an informal program with, say, the bride, her family, and bridesmaids listed on the left leaf and the groom's information on the right. In the center, you would then list the program from the procession to the recessional. The music director of the church will help the wedding couple choose the music and the hymns. Nowadays many churches have Web sites where you can hear music that is traditionally used for weddings. The minister can suggest various readings and passages. As a way of personalizing the program, often the wedding couple have favorite passages from the bible or poetry that friends will read and those readers' names and the passage they are reading would be listed on the program. Two readers would be enough, and those passages should be kept short. To find tips for the wedding coordinator, return to my Web site, www.newportmanners.com and click on Frequently Asked Questions and then Wedding Etiquette, where you will see lots of information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Program: Listing Names: Senior
Q Hi Didi, I am assisting with a wedding and both parents would like their names to read:

Mr. James E. and Karen T. Allen, Sr. on the programs.

Is this correct way of addressing the parents, if not how should it be written?


A You wouldn't use the suffix Sr. The suffix for senior would only be used, say, on a law firm's stationery when both the father and the son of the same name are listed on the letterhead. It would be used to distinguish father from son at the firm. In a program for a formal wedding the middle names would be spelled out because it helps to identify the many families (clans) being connected by the marriage.

Karen Tompkins Allen
James English Allen

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Received Save-the-Date but No Invitation
Q We received a "Save-the-Date" for a wedding as well as an email from the bride regarding activities on the wedding weekend. However, the wedding is a month away and we still haven't received an invitation. We have moved recently and the invitation may have been lost in the mail or delayed.

Out of courtesy to the bride, what is the best recourse?
A. Email her to ask her if we were cut from the list
B. Email her to ask if the invitation was lost
C. Do nothing

A Give the bride another week, sometimes there are glitches and the invitation has to be reprinted. I've even seen situations where the post office returned the invitation to the sender because the postage wasn't enough or the stamp had fallen off. The fact that you received an e-mail from the bride regarding activities during the wedding weekend means that you are definitely invited.

If you haven't received the wedding invitation by the end of the week, e-mail the bride thanking her for her e-mail and telling her which activities in which you would like to participate. Then you can add a paragraph that says something such as this:

Since we received your Save-the-Date card, Olivia and I have moved. To date, we haven't received your wedding invitation and we're checking to see if you have our new address: Ten Robin Hollow Road, Newport, RI 02840. Olivia and I are very much looking forward to your and Ted's wedding weekend. Please send him our very best.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception After Destination Wedding
Q Proper wording for an invitation to wedding reception only (wedding is a small destination wedding with a larger, more formal reception two weeks afterward).

A When you say "more formal reception," I am not sure if you mean a seated black-tie dinner or a cocktail buffet, two very different ways of celebrating a destination wedding after the fact. So: I have used the phrase "cocktail buffet," which you can substitute for "dinner dance." A dinner dance might start at eight o'clock. At any rate, you might want to steer clear of using the phrase "wedding reception," because the guests might get confused. When guests are not invited to the actual wedding, you would not solicit gifts, but you might enclose a reply card with a self-addressed envelope. Gifts would be given at the discretion of the guest. Any information about bridal registries would either be through word of mouth, included on the wedding couple's wedding Web site, or listed on the Internet wedding channels. The wedding Web site might also show photographs of the destination wedding to make guests feel closer to the event. If the bride's parents are hosting the party, the invitation might read something like this (You would insert your own information and center the lines on the card.):

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Randolph Dickens
request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail buffet in honor of
the recent marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
to
William Stuart Shakespeare
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P
000-000-0000

If the bride and groom are hosting their own reception, the invitation might go like this:

Mrs. and Mrs. William Stuart Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
to celebrate their recent marriage
at a cocktail buffet
on September 28th
at seven o'clock
The Colony Club
New York City

R.S.V.P.
000-000-0000

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception Card
Q Dear Didi, I'm here again visiting your website. Hope this mail finds you well. I have a question about wording. This is the wording we used for the invitations (they are already printed).

Mrs. Patricia Ramirez Roncallo
and
Mr. and Mrs. William D Hopkins
are pleased to invite you
to join in a Christian celebration
of the marriage of their children
Maria Victoria Hernandez R.
and
William John Hopkins
On Saturday, the fifteenth of October
Two thousand and eleven
At four in the afternoon
Sailfish Marina Resort
Room: Buccaneer
Singer Island, FL, USA
Suits and Dresses

We couldn't include "Reception to follow" because of space, and also because the invitation includes a separate reception card. So, we decided to use it. However, I have some doubts and I was wondering if it is appropriate still to write the following:
The pleasure of your company is
requested at the reception
immediately following the ceremony
Sailfish Marina Resort
Room: Buccaneer
142 Lake Dr., Palm Beach Shores, FL 33404
Singer Island, FL, USA

My concern is that I am basically repeating all this again:
Sailfish Marina Resort
Room: Buccaneer
Singer Island, FL, USA

Thanks once again for your advice.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

VICTORIA


A You are absolutely right, you don't want to repeat yourself on the reception card. The reception card can be worded several ways, centering the lines on the card:

Please join us for
dinner and dancing
immediately following
the ceremony

Immediately following
the ceremony
please join us for
dinner and dancing

You don't need any more information than that on the reception card because you've already given it. However, try to be specific and tell them exactly what to expect rather than just saying reception, which could be any of the below:

a cocktail buffet
a dinner dance
drinks, dinner and dancing
cocktails and cake
champagne and cake
cake, champagne and toasts

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception in Church
Q What are acceptable ways of wording an invitation to a wedding reception immediately following the service when the reception is at the church? Please give me some examples.

A Substitute your own information and center the lines on the card:


Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda
to
Mr. William Shakespeare
the tenth of June
two thousand and seven
three o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport, Rhode Island

Reception immediately following in the Parish Hall
Reply card enclosed

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception Included
Q Should invitations to the wedding include invitation to the reception?

A You can do it either way. Of course it is easy when the ceremony and the reception are held at the same location, as in a hotel, club or private home. If the ceremony and reception are at different locations, you have the option of having both listed on the one invitation, or you would have a main invitation for the ceremony enclosed with a separate reception invitation, which would be smaller and lay on top of the larger invitation and the reply card. So, definitely, if the ceremony and reception are at the same address, why not just have one invitation. If it is a formal black-tie wedding, you would follow the formality of separate invitations for the ceremony and the reception. If it is a semiformal or informal wedding, you could certainly use one invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reception: Deciding Dress Code
Q Is it proper to put the wedding attire for guests who are invited to a formal wedding on the reception invitation? If yes, what should be the proper wording?

A When you say reception invitation, I'm assuming you are having separate invitations for those who are invited just to the ceremony and those who are invited to the reception as well... ? The problem with this is that when the formal "Black Tie" reception directly follows the church ceremony you don't want half of your guests showing up at the church in formal "Black Tie" attire while the others are in "Suits and Dresses," because those in less formal attire will know they haven't been invited to the formal reception.

On the other hand, if everyone invited to the ceremony is also invited to a reception that is followed by a candlelight seated dinner dance, then by all means state the dress code on the lower right hand corner of the invitation as "Black Tie," and your guests will dress accordingly. If you do not state "Black Tie," then all of your guests will assume that the dress code is "Suits and Dresses," which you can also state on the invitation, but is not necessary. You want your guests to think you assume that they know how to dress. However, you don't want half of your guests feeling badly because the other half is dressed formally.

Which leads me to your wording. You are asking about a formal reception, which can be confusing to your guests because a reception is not Black Tie. If the event following the ceremony is a seated dinner, then it is not a "reception," it is "dinner and dancing." You wouldn't wear formal attire to a reception, which is basically a cocktail party with a receiving line. However, if the event following the wedding is a receiving line, cocktails, dinner, and dancing, you could make that formal and use the dress code "Black Tie."

I'm sorry, I'm not clear exactly what you're trying to do here, if I knew more of the details, for instance, exact times, venues, and who is invited to what, I think I could give you a clearer, better answer.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Reciprocation
Q Do I have to invite people to our wedding if they invited me to theirs?


A No, you do not have to invite people to your wedding who invited you to theirs. It is your wedding and you should only invite people you really want to see at that special time. If you attended their wedding, you might feel that you need to reciprocate, but your wedding present would have been reciprocation enough.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Registry Info
Q Should you include your gift registry with the invitation?

A Please don't, although some people still do. There is nothing tackier than opening a lovely invitation and finding those nasty little bridal registry cards from chain stores. Nowadays, wedding couples set up there own wedding website to keep family and friends in the loop about wedding activities, dress codes, and bridal registry information.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Regretting After Accepting
Q We accepted a wedding invitation and also told our daughter that we would babysit her one-year-old overnight (we were in the midst of selling our house, moving to a rental while building our new home}. Not that this is excusable but what is the least awkward way to write a note to explain our inability to attend the wedding. Thank you.

A In my opinion, if you haven't already done so, you would immediately send your wedding present from the wedding couple's bridal registry so that you are assured that you are giving the wedding couple exactly what they want and need. The store will immediately notify the wedding couple of your purchase. If the wedding date is soon, then pick up the phone and telephone the hostess. If the wedding invitation has the bride's parents as the hosts, then call the bride's mother as soon as possible. Tell her that you were so hoping that you and Steve could attend Julie's wedding but you find that you have your own unexpected family obligations that you have to attend to and that you are very sorry but you are unable to attend after all. If the wedding is a ways off, then you can write a note on your best social stationery. The greatest excuse to use is that you are busy with your family and in your case it is a real excuse, so use it. You do not have to go into great detail, sometimes the less said the better. Just be sincere and to the point.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Rehearsal Dinner: Dress Code
Q Hi Didi! I am a stationery and invitation designer in Tennessee and there is a group of girls that I will call, 'Trend Setters' that I work with occasionally. About a month ago I was creating the invitation for a rehearsal dinner at a local country club for someone in this group of trend setters. The groom's mom was insistent on providing a dress code on the invitation that was "Sport Coat Optional" and "Summer Sun Dresses". She did change to "Summer Dresses" after some thought, but I would think that most people know how to dress for a rehearsal dinner at a country club. Am I wrong to assume that, or is it really okay to assume that people don't know how to dress?

Also, I have one dress listing that you may not have heard of that I have used for another client of mine..."Snappy Khaki". I thought you might like that one!

Thanks so much!
Kim Lacy, All About YOU!
423-512-1512

A You are not wrong in assuming that most people know the dress code for a rehearsal dinner; and if they don't, they'll ask one of the wedding party. The only time that you would need to put the dress code on a rehearsal dinner would be if, say, it is a black tie dinner; a clambake on the beach (which would be "old clothes;" or if the dinner is being held at a club or restaurant that requires that gentlemen wear a jacket and tie. Other exceptions might be if the dinner is on a boat, where guests would need to wear rubber soles, or on top of a mountain, where you might need skiis to get down.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Responding When You Are Unable to Attend
Q I was invited to my niece's wedding in April 2011. I live in NJ and the wedding is in La Jolla, CA. The plane ride is between 400-550 (I think RT) economy (not my choice with my bad back) and the hotel with 20% off is ~ $1200. The taxi back and forth from Caldwell, NJ, to Newark (~ $100) and I do not know how much the cab ride from San Diego Airport to Estancia Hotel and back will be. This is before the purchase of a new dress and shoes for the occasion. Last time I purchased a dress was in 2006. Incidentals like food, drinks, tips are to be added in.

Then the gift (~ $500.)
I would like to write a nice letter because I really cannot afford this (checkbook balance = $6,700.)

How may I handle this situation? I know my brother will be angry but he does not pay my bills.

Thank you.

Robin
rknopf519@comcast.net

A Understandably, attending a wedding on the opposite coast is incredibly expensive. Your brother knows that and so does your niece. You can always make up an excuse such as your bad back, or you can come clean and tell your brother that you would rather send his daughter a really nice wedding present than make the trip, and that you fear you cannot do both.

Ask where your niece is registered and go to her bridal registry on-line to have a present sent that she has chosen, because then you'll know it is something that she likes and needs. The registry will send your niece the notification, and then you can write a short heartfelt, handwritten note telling your niece how sorry you are that you are unable to attend her wedding. You do not need to tell her why. Writing her a handwritten, sweet note congratulating her on her upcoming wedding and sending her a gift from her bridal registry is all you need to do. If you would rather send her a check, that's fine, too. However, sending her a gift from her bridal registry is more personal because you have to go over her list to find something that you would like to buy her that she has chosen. That way you can think of those lovely china plates on her dinner party table with fondness knowing they were from you. People remember after decades who gave them what, so contributing to her china, silver, or glass pattern is always a thoughtful thing to do. Linens are also a memorable gift, especially if you have them monogrammed with her initial or initials. I'm just thinking that you might feel better about not attending her wedding, if you spent some time picking out just the right gift to send to your niece from her aunt.

In your handwritten, heartfelt note you can say that you are sorry that you are unable to attend, but you don't have to tell her why. Ask her to send you a link to her wedding photos so that you can view the photos on the photographer's Web site. It won't cost you anything but it will give you a feeling that you were there and asking her about it will show her that you really do care and you really are sorry that you are not able to attend.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Responding When You Don't Know the Wedding Couple
Q An older friend of 2 years has a granddaughter out-of-state getting married next month. Somehow I ended up on the invitation list....do I have to send a gift?

A If you have not met the granddaughter, then you are not under any obligation to send a gift. In order to sustain the relationship with the older friend, you would want to send a card of congratulations or a handwritten note to the bride to acknowledge the invitation. However, if the older friend, say, recently gave a member of your close family a wedding present, then you might want to reciprocate by sending a small gift from the bridal registry to the registered address.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Response Card Address
Q To what address do you have the response cards returned?

A The response card envelope would have the address of whoever is hosting the event, because that person will have to be in close contact with the caterer to assure that there is enough food at the reception.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Response Card Envelope
Q With regards to wedding response card envelopes---if the brides father's name is listed on the wedding invitation using his middle name, should the middle name also be used on the response envelope? This envelope is small and it may not accommodate a long line for the names, plus does it really matter since the parents will be the recipients of the envelope? Or should it be consistent with the invitation wording? THANK YOU for your assistance! Dee

A When possible, the name on the wedding response card envelope should be the same as the name on the invitation. However, if the length of the full name spelled out is too long for the envelope, then shorten the name by using either the middle initial or the first two initials: Mr. Theodore W. Montgomery, or Mr. T. W. Montgomery. Alternatively, you can also drop the "Mr.", if the Mrs. is not listed on the invitation, to read: Theodore Winthrop Montgomery, or Theodore W. Montgomery.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Retired Colonel USAF and Doctor Wife
Q How do you address a wedding invitation to a retired Colonel USAF and Dr. wife (education)?

A As all officers of the Air Force who are retired retain their titles, you would list his full rank, then his first name and last name; however, as this is a social invitation you would not follow his name with either USAF or Retired. On a social invitation such as a wedding invitation, you would not list the wife's education.

Colonel John Adams and Dr. Jane Adams
Their Address

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Retired Lt. Col.
Q We would like to acknowledge my daughter's fiance's parents on the wedding invitation, but we do not know how to do this. How should we properly acknowledge a retired Lt. Col. in the United States Air Force and his wife on a wedding invitation after "son of" ???

A You would list your daughter's fiance's parents on the invitation as: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Washburn. On a social invitation, you wouldn't list the branch of the armed forces or the fact that he is retired. You would, however, spell out Lieutenant Colonel and use his middle name, if you are also using your daughter's father's middle name. So, it would be: Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Richard Harris Washburn.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Return Address
Q When mailing wedding invitations, is it proper to put a return address on the envelope?

A You most definitely want to have your return address on the envelope because you will be surprised at how many envelopes come back just because one number is wrong in the address or two numbers have been switched. Also, if the zip code is not perfect, it will come to you. Unfortunately, if it does come back to you, it might take up to three weeks to be returned. So: address your envelopes carefully. You might also want to take your envelopes to a post office that will hand cancel the stamps because many of the new machines destroy wedding envelopes, which tend to be larger than ordinary envelopes.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: RSVP
Q How do we decide on the RSVP by dates? Our wedding is Nov. 3rd. Is a month before too long or does the RSVP response date need to be closer to the wedding date......like say maybe, just 2 weeks before the wedding date? How do we determine an appropriate date? Could you please answer as soon as possible so I can print the RSVP's. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Terri

A This is a question for the caterer or banquet manager. Whoever is in charge of the food will need two weeks to ten days notice in order to know how much food and how much waitstaff are needed for your wedding. Customarily, the RSVP date is ten days before the wedding. Chances are you will need to give the caterer a total count ten days in advance of the reception; however, the caterer will allow for a certain amount of wiggle room because young people especially are notoriously late at responding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save the Date
Q Should a 'save the date' card match the invitation?

A The STD does not have to match the invitation; however, you might want to find a subtle theme or color scheme that you can carry out on the paper products and decor. For instance, a recent Newport wedding had a navy blue anchor on the STD, because the wedding couple sail, the anchor signifies hope, and navy blue was one of their colors. The anchor was not on the invitation, but there was a navy blue anchor printed on the USPS stamps, a sixty-three cent stamp for the invitation outer envelope and a thirty-nine cent stamp for the reply card envelope, and the calligraphy; all the printing was done in the same dark blue ink. The gift bags were navy blue with a white anchor above the couple's name, and there were match books and hand towels that had the couple's first names along with the anchor. The post-wedding brunch invitation had a different nautical theme of nautical flags spelling out their names. The bridesmaids' luncheon invitation had a mermaid theme. So, as you can see, there was a subtle nautical theme throughout, but it wasn't over done. The key is to pick your colors, go with your theme, and touch on those sparingly to tie all the elements of the event together. You do not necessarily have to use something symbolic such as an anchor, but deciding on a color theme from the start is crucial. Many couples these days will link their initials in a monogram that works as their symbol, or logo, even using their monogram on the USPS stamps and embossed on the paper goods. By the way, customized stamps can be ordered on-line through the USPS at no additional charge. There is no rule carved in stone stating that the STD and the invitation have to match, but you will see that it is much chicer when there is a recognizable element or two that carries the spirit of the wedding couple from the engagement party through to the post-wedding brunch. If used subtly, it will reflect the wedding couple's charm.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save the Date Card
Q If you send a "save the date card" for a wedding, do you have to invite them if things change in your life with the people?

A You would only send Save the Date cards to those on the first and second tiers of your wedding reception guest list. The third and possibly fourth tiers would consist of the names of the least likely people to be invited from the list. If you do not send an invitation to someone to whom you sent a STD, it gets dicey because the STD advises guests to book their hotel room early. Often a person has committed to sharing a hotel room with a mutual friend. I get questions from readers asking what they should do: "The wedding is ten days off and I have not received my wedding invitation. I followed the instructions on the STD and booked a hotel with a fellow classmate, she has received her invitation, but I haven't gotten mine. Does that mean that I have been dis-invited? Should I tell my friend that she is going to have to find another ride to the wedding and to share the hotel room?" Some even think that the invitation was lost in the mail and ask me if they think they should call the bride to tell her that it never arrived. So: my advice to you is to categorize your wedding reception list into at least three tiers, hold off sending the third tier until the regrets start coming in, and make your decision on iffy guests then.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save the Date Cards: When One of the Couple Cannot Attend
Q Dear Didi,
Since we sent out our save the cards for our wedding, one of our good friends told us he can't attend because he's in a golf tournament that weekend. We're upset not just because he's not coming. His wife insists on coming without him. We really don't want her to come without him. Mostly we don't like her attitude; however, we're also annoyed that he would rather play golf than come to our wedding. We're about to send out our wedding invitations and we don't know the etiquette for not sending an invitation when we know one of the married couple cannot come, but we've sent them a save the date card. Do we still have to send them a wedding invitation?
A. F., Marblehead, MA


A Dear A.F.,
This kind of wedding invitation dilemma comes up a lot thanks - but no thanks - to the save the date card. Make a decision that it is your wedding and you are only inviting people to your wedding that you want to be there. Try this. Don't send them a wedding invitation. When she calls to complain that she hasn't received her invitation yet, say, "It must be an oversight." Yes, yours! If she doesn't get the hint and insists on coming, then you'll have to invite her verbally and put up with her attitude. If she's at all socially savvy, she'll get it. ~Didi

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save-the-Date Cards:
Q Didi,
I sent out STDs. Some people have already responded that they will not be able to attend. Do I still need to send them the formal invitation if I know they can't make it?
Thanks!
Tao

A If you know someone on your guest list won't be able to attend, then don't send them a wedding invitation because it will look like a push for a present when they know you already know they won't be attending. However, you can still put their name on invitation lists for your engagement party and shower. People are not required to send a wedding present when they regret the wedding. But guests would send a gift if they attended an engagement party or shower.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Save-the-Date: Sending B List After A List
Q Didi,
How do you have an A and B wedding guest list if you are sending out save the date cards? We have a very large wedding guest list that we haven't finalized yet. It's time to send out save the date cards.

I thought about having an A and B guest list but I'm afraid I can't do that because we live in a VERY small town and the B listers would know if others got a save the date card and they didn't. Is there a solution for this?


Thank you!

A You live in a VERY small town and you have a very long guest long, as do half the weddings couples being married in the next six months. You can only assume that your A list friends have the good manners to keep the fact that they received your Save-the-Date card to themselves. For instance, they would never put your STD on display in their home, nor would they say they had received it. You would not send your B list an STD. By now most everyone knows a wedding is taking place. Everyone also knows that you can't invite everybody. There are probably B list guests who wouldn't put you on their A list. There is no way you can keep the wedding a secret until you decide you can invite the B list, so you just have to go forward and send only the wedding invitation to the B list.

Believe me, this happens all the time. People understand that this is the way weddings work. None of us is on everyone's A list. We know that and we accept that fact. Most of those B list guests, whom you fear will feel slighted that they didn't receive an SDT, will gratefully accept their B list invitation because they won't want others to think they hadn't been invited. I've noticed that the last minute invites often end up being the best guests because they try the hardest to show they are a jolly addition to the wedding.

Please, don't over-think this issue too much. Have fun with your wedding and go with the flow.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Separated Siblings
Q What is the proper invitation etiquette for married but separated siblings of the bride?

A You would pick up the phone and ask the siblings if they would like separate invitations sent to their ex-spouse. If they say yes, then you get the address and send an invitation. So: separated couples receive a separate invitation at the discretion of the sibling.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Setting Boundaries for Relatives of Relatives
Q My brother-in-law is getting married in Oct.; my wife and I just found out (from my mother-in-law) that my parents and my brother and his wife are not invited to the wedding (my brother invited both my mother-in-law and brother-in-law to his wedding). What (or who should) is the proper etiquette in telling my parents and brother? My mother-in-law wants me to tell them but I feel that it's not my wedding and that my brother-in-law should make at least an effort to explain why they are not invited. We were told it's going to be a "small wedding" but found out they have invited over 150 people, which might be small by some standards but I think of small as around 50 close family and friends. Just wondering what you would do. Thanks!

A I would keep quiet. When asked why I didn't spill the beans, I would say, "It wasn't my wedding, it wasn't my job to tell you, it was none of my business who was invited or not invited."

This wedding is all about the bride and the groom. Wedding couples, especially in this economy, have to set boundaries as to how many to invite and who those invitees should be. If your brother-in-law and his fiancee don't want to invite your parents and your brother and his wife, that is their perogative. Who knows why? But do you really want to be the messenger of the bad news? Messengers get shot, so to speak, and your life will become embroiled with helping your family speculate why they were not invited. Do you really want to spend your time dealing with trying to speculate and the bitterness that might ensue? The less that is made out of this supposed slight, the better.

Look at it this way: out of 150 guests at least 75 are close friends of the wedding couple; then somewhere around 35 spaces are allotted for guests who are friends and family of the groom's parents, and the remainder are friends and family of the bride's parents. Your brother and your parents did not make the cut. They just weren't on any of the three lists. Remember, too, that the four of them would be taking up four out of the 25 remainder spots allotted to the bride's parents and they are not blood relatives or close friends.

Sorry, but that's life. Don't waste your time speculating because in this sluggish economy, numbers at weddings are all about dollars and cents.

It doesn't matter that they went to your family wedding; the complexities of weddings can be so complicated as far as extended families go that it can never be tit for tat. There doesn't have to be payback.

If your family finds out about the wedding and asks you why they weren't invited, say that you don't know but you think it had to do with the numbers. If pressed, show them the math. Are they really in the bride's parents' closest circle of friends? Are they blood relatives? Do they deserve four of those 25 spots? They will see that the numbers do make sense.

It is neither up to you or your brother-in-law to inform your parents and your brother and his wife that they are not invited. If you're not invited, why would you ask why? You just wouldn't.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Setting Limitations on Small Children
Q How do I request no children unless it is a must? Some of the family won't come without them. It is informal and I do want our gandchildren there. I don't want to be a snob. Help me!!

A All weddings wrestle with this dilemma of how to include the grandchildren, but not have the wedding become an open house for families without babysitters. The wedding is all about the bride and groom and crying babies during the church service are not fair to the wedding couple. Nor are tantrums on the dance floor when small children become over stimulated from the cake and the music. The inside envelope lists the given names of the children who are included in the invitation, under Mr. and Mrs. Doe. If there is not an inside invitation, their given names are listed under the parents' names, Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, on the outside envelope. Therefore, if you are happy to have the ten-year- old and twelve-year-old but not the new born baby, only the given names of the ten-year-old and twelve- year-old would appear on the inside envelope of the invitation. If the parents respond adding the name of the newborn, you pick up the phone and say that you are unable to accommodate more than a certain amount of children due to the fire code or that you cannot have children under a certain age. Tell out-of-town guests that you would be happy to give them the names and phone numbers of reliable babysitters. At some weddings where there are many very small children, a couple of babysitters are enlisted to take care of the children during the wedding; the kids actually have their own "party." By word of mouth you can get the word out that you will only be able to accommodate children who are close family, or, say, children who are sixteen years or older. You will need to stick to your boundaries once you set them, or you might be accused of favoritism, but it can be done; it is done all the time.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Single Women: Miss or Ms.
Q We are having a very formal wedding (after six + black tie). There are many single women who will be invited, and I understand that normally one would use Ms. in this scenario. However, because the invitations are engraved and it is quite formal, would it be correct to use Miss? Then, where does one draw the line....say at single women over 35 or so??? Thank you very much.

A Today, women eighteen years and older are referred to as Ms. The exception is when one is addressing a formal invitation such as yours, then if the woman is over eighteen, she is addressed on the invitation and place card as Miss to designate socially that she is not and has never been married. If the woman is single, but is either widowed or divorced, socially she is Mrs.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Stepfather + Father Situation Roles
Q My husband and I are hosting a wedding reception for my daughter. My ex-husband will attend, but is not contributing monetarally. Should we list his name on the invitation as a host because he is Amber's father? We really don't have a preference. Please let me know what you think. Thanks! Kay

A If this is a formal wedding and your daughter is close to her father, then by all means you can list the father on the wedding invitation. The only problem I foresee is that if your daughter's father is not paying for any of the wedding, he should be given something to do to tie him into the wedding, if he is to be listed on the invitation. For instance, he can walk her up the aisle and give her away. He can also make a toast at the reception. If your daughter is very close to her stepfather, then both her father and stepfather can flank her on either side and walk her up the aisle.

As to the wording of the invitation:

Mrs. and Mrs. Edward Jay Wilson
and
Mr. James William Thompson
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Louise
to
Jonathan Oaks Sherman
etc.

If your daughter is not close to her father, then the wording could be such:

Mr. and Mrs. Edward Jay Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of Mrs. Wilson's daughter
Mary Louise
to
Mr. John Oaks Sherman

This decision should probably be made by your daughter, as it is up to your daughter to determine who walks her up the aisle and gives her away.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Stepparents Listed
Q My son is getting married in June. The bride's parents are divorced and both remarried. My son's father and I are divorced also both remarried. Bride's mother and I are wanting to know how to put names of parents on invitations. If you could help we'd be grateful...

A First off, only the bride's parents' names appear on the wedding invitation. She is their daughter and they are giving her away. The groom's parents' names might appear on the invitation for the rehearsal dinner. In the event that the groom's father, stepmother, mother, and stepfather are jointly paying for the cost of the rehearsal dinner, then both couples on the groom's side might be listed on the rehearsal dinner invitation.

Printing the names of the stepparents on the wedding invitation might also make the wedding invitation too wordy and therefore take the focus off the bride and groom. For instance, you would have to include two lines with these words, "the marriage of Mrs. Dickens' and Mr. Shakespeare's daughter," in order to distinguish the actual parents from the stepparents. Wedding invitations are all about the bride and the groom; her parents are announcing the wedding.

When the bride's parents are divorced and remarried, the bride's mother's name appears first and her father's name is on the next line:

Mrs. Charles Dickens
Mr. William Shakespeare
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Amanda Shakespeare
to Mr. George Sherman Wittaker
etc.

However, when the announcement of the wedding is sent to the local newspapers, the stepparents' names would be included in the write-up.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: The Reverend and His Wife the Doctor
Q My fiance's parents both have professional titles but his mother outranks his father. His mom is a doctor and his dad is reverend. What is their combined title for our wedding invitation? Is it Dr. and Rev. John Doe? Dr. Jane Doe and Rev. John Doe? His mom wants to be listed as Rev. and Dr. John Doe but I think that's confusing.

A You are correct, that is confusing. Socially, he is The Reverend John Doe and she is Dr. Jane Doe, so the invitation would have them listed as:

Doctor Jane Doe & The Reverend John Doe

By spelling out Doctor and Reverend you show the significance of their titles. The only other way to do this, and often women don't use their Dr. title in social situations, would be:

The Reverend and Mrs. John Winthrop Doe

Do remember to use and spell out all middle names on a wedding invitation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Timing
Q How much time should be given once receiving an invitation to a party w/RSVP cards included?

A It would depend upon the nature of the event because wedding invitations, for instance, are mailed up to eight weeks before the wedding but the RSVP does not have to be received until ten days before the event, at which time the caterer is given a final count.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Tissue
Q What's your view of tissue paper with the wedding invitation? Is it really necessary? How do you use it?

A Tissue paper is totally unnecessary. It was useful in the past, but nowadays the ink dries much quicker. So they say. In my opinion, you do not have to order tissue paper, but if the printer sends it, use it. However, do have the inside envelopes lined with tissue because it looks quite nice. When I find that some of the return reply envelopes come back slightly smudged, I am always glad that I used the free tissue. Having the reply envelope with the address facing the invitation without tissue paper dividers could have been a disaster.

At any rate, the tissue paper is wicked to use. It can be a struggle separating it without wetting your finger slightly to dislodge it from its neighbor. I find that despite the struggle, I like using the tissue for the invitation, the reply card, and a third sheet for the reception card.

So, if you have a lot of patience, use the free tissue because it helps to make a tidy package. A large tissue covers the invitation; on top of that place the stamped, self-addressed reply card envelope with the address facing the invitation and the flap facing you so that you can tuck the card underneath the flap with additional tissue separating any smaller cards in descending order.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Titles
Q We are having trouble with our wedding invitation wording. Both the bride and groom's parent's are hosting. Groom's parents are divorced and we are including them all on the invite. The groom's father is remarried and is a dentist. The groom's mother is single and is a dentist and also a Ph.D. The groom himself is also a dentist. What titles are appropriate and how should they be written? Thank you.

A You would never use both a prefix and a suffix with a name. For a social occasion such as this you would only use the title Dr. It would read something like this (inserting your own information and centering the lines on the page):

Mr. and Mrs. William Smith Wilson
Dr. Charlotte Sherman Jones
Dr. and Mrs. George Henry Jones
request the pleasure of your company
(request the honor of your presence)
at the marriage of their children
Caroline Olivia
and
Dr. John George Jones
on Saturday, the tenth of October
two thousand and ten
at five o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

If the families are of the Jewish faith, traditionally the groom's parents' name would be listed underneath the groom's name, for instance:

Mr. and Mrs. William Smith Wilson
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Caroline Olivia
to
Dr. John George Ross
son of
Dr. Charolotte Sherman Ross
Dr. and Mrs. George Henry Ross

Technically, the problem with including the groom's stepmother is that he is not one of her "children." But then again Caroline Olivia Wilson is not technically the child of any of the members of the Jones family and they certainly are not giving her away in marriage. Likewise, the groom is not the child of the bride's parents. However, the first example is the preferred example for this particular situation.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: To the Groom's Family
Q Is it proper for the groom's parents get a wedding invatation?????

A Yes, you would send the groom's parents an invitation to their son's wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Understand the Breakdown of the Guest List
Q The groom's maternal grandmother is asking the groom's mom if cousins could be invited to the wedding? I am not sure how to respond? Any suggestions? Thanks, mom of the groom

A Explain to the maternal grandmother that the wedding guest list will be divided somewhat like this: half of the guests are friends of the bride and groom; one quarter of the guests are family and friends of the bride and the second quarter consists of family and relatives of the groom.

As the mother of the groom, you should be asked for a list (hypothetically) of 25 names or twelve couples and a single person--13 invitations. So if the maternal grandmother is one of those guests, you have to figure out how many of the the cousins can be invited. That would depend upon how many other family members and friends you wish to invite.

Additionally, you can estimate the cost per guest of anywhere between $50-$300 per person depending upon the food and beverages that are served the DJ or band, cost of the tent, invitation, photographer, cake, flowers, etc. By adding up the cost per cousin, she will see that it is largely about dollars and cents and therefore limits have to be set as to how many guests the hosts can afford to pay for.

Lastly, most wedding couples have precisely this problem of trying to figure out how they can include everyone, so they set a criteria. Often the criteria is something like this: they invite only people they have seen in person in the past year. In other words, you wouldn't invite someone you didn't know to your wedding, even if they were a cousin. And in some cases, you wouldn't invite anyone you hadn't seen in a set period of time, such as in six months or in two years.

By helping the groom's maternal grandmother to understand these three issues of guest list percentage, cost per person, and guest criteria, she might think twice about pushing for the cousins to be invited to the wedding. Then again, you can check with the groom to see if any of those cousins are on his list. Then you are off the hook. However, his list will only be half of the fifty percent designated for the wedding couple's closest friends.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Using the Suffix Senior
Q I am creating my wedding invitations. My father is a Senior. Do I list "senior" on the invitation. For example, Mr. and Mrs. John Doe Smith, Senior, request the honour....

A I have to tell you that I don't like using Senior as a suffix. Your dad really is the first, so why do you have to distinguish this? When there is no suffix of Senior, or Sr., then it is assumed that he is the first person with that name. In my opinion, "Senior" is redundant and, furthermore, it sounds pretentious. If you really want to be stylish and correct, spell out all middle names, which is what you've done above, but follow that throughout all your invitations and envelopes to guests.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Using Titles and Addressing Teenage Cousins
Q Dear Didi,

I am a lawyer marrying a medical doctor in a black-tie 5pm October wedding in Newport. My mother wants to include both our titles on the invitation, is that correct?

Secondly, I am inviting My 17-year-old triplet cousins, do they each get their own??

A Traditionally, the bride is the only person on the invitation who does not have a title because she is the only one changing her title. The invitation is also subtly announcing the transition of your title from Ms. or Miss to Mrs. Therefore, the wedding announcement in the newspapers would be the place for your credentials and accomplishments to be highlighted. And, of course, the wedding toasts can mention your title.

All single guests eighteen years of age or older receive their own invitation. You might want to find out the date of the triplets' eighteenth birthday because if it is not before you send out the invitations, one invitation envelope can serve for all three names (written out separately and alphabetically on three different lines--although girls names would appear first). Otherwise, each cousin would have their own invitation. If they are old enough to vote, they receive their own invitation.

Newport in October is glorious for a wedding. It will be lovely. Do let me know if I can be of further assistance between now and then.

Didi Lorillard
NewportManners.com

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Vendors: Wedding Director/Planner
Q Do you send a formal wedding invitation to the wedding director? We would not be inviting her socially, but do not know the proper etiquette for this?

A The wedding director is a vendor who is already being paid by you. Think of it this way, would you send an invitation to the caterer, the band leader and his musicians, the photographer, makeup artist, hairdresser? No.

Sending the director/planner an invitation is sending an invitation to sit at the table. Meaning, if it is a seated dinner, you'll have to seat them and pay for them as though they are a guest. You're already paying them, you don't want them acting like one of the guests because you want them to be performing their professional duty during the entire course of the wedding day.

The way to show your appreciate to your wedding director is to give a tip, or even better than a tip, say that you will recommend her/him to your friends. As to how much tip. It's like a any tip. If the service was great, tip well, not so well, tip less, not so good then barely tip.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Washington, D.C.
Q On a formal wedding invitation envelope, do I write the city (again, this is on the invitation's envelope) as Washington,D.C. or Washington, District of Columbia?

A Washington, D.C. is fine. Just add a space between the comma and the D. in the question.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When a Guest's Spouse Is Omitted
Q I have been married to my husband for seven months now. We recently received a wedding invitation from a couple who had come to our wedding. The invitation to us didn't include my name at all, but instead was addressed solely to my husband and the inner envelope said my husband's name and "guest". Isn't this tacky? I don't know exactly how to take this. I feel that my name should have been included since they obviously knew we were married.

A Please don't take this personally. As you will remember, things happen, mistakes are made in the course of a preparing for a wedding. This is probably an honest mistake. Take the high road and ignore the oversight. On your reply card be sure to print your name clearly. How to take this? Don't take it personally. You are right, both envelopes should have been addressed to both of you.

For all you know, the calligrapher could have been working off of an Excel spreadsheet that had omitted the fact that the Mr. had a Mrs., so she added "Guest" because there was a number 2 in the number category. As I said, mistakes are made. Go up the ladder and you won't feel slighted.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Bride + Groom Are Paying
Q When the bride and groom are paying for the wedding and reception, how should the parents of both be reguarded in the invitation?

A Your wedding invitation reflects the style of your wedding. If you are having a formal wedding, the bride's parents' names "request the pleasure," even if they are not paying for the wedding. If your wedding is informal, the bride and groom might do the inviting and therefore the parents' names would not be on the invitation. Only if the groom's family and the bride's family are sharing the cost of the wedding would both sets of names be on the invitation. If you are not having a traditional wedding, then you can do whatever you want to do; your invitation sets your style.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Couple Pays for Wedding
Q The bride and groom are paying for the wedding. The parents of the bride and groom are not deceased. What is the proper phrasing for the wedding invitation? Are the parents mentioned or omitted?

A It does not matter who pays for the wedding. Traditionally, if it is the bride's first wedding and it is a formal wedding, her parents' names are on the invitation. For an informal or semi-formal wedding, the invitation might read (insert your own information and center the lines on the card):

Alice Adams Winslow
and
George Henry Prout
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Father + Stepmother Host Wedding
Q My parents are divorced, and my father is remarried. My mother is not. My father and stepmother are hosting my wedding. How should the invitations be worded?

A Even though your father and stepmother are hosting the wedding, if your mother is still alive, her name should be on the wedding ceremony invitation. The return address on the invitation envelope and the address on the response envelope will tell people who is hosting the wedding. In theory, only your birth parents, or the closest blood relative, can give you away in marriage at the ceremony. So a proper invitation would read:

Mrs. Charlotte Hines Winslow
and
Mr. George Williams Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
Mr. Donald Stuart Ross
on Saturday, March tenth
two thousand and seven
at four o'clock
Trinity Church
Newport

Otherwise, an acceptable alternative is:

Mr. and Mrs. George Wilson Winslow
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Mr. Winslow's daughter
Georgianna Charlotte
to
.......

In both situations, the bride's mother's name would be on the program as mother of the bride.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Guests Do Not Reply
Q When you send out invitations with an RSVP deadline and that deadline passes with some individuals not responding, do you contact them to see if they plan to attend or is a no response to be considered a "no"?

A If you are seating tables, say, for a dinner dance or a wedding reception, you definitely need to know if the person is attending and whether or not the person is planning on bringing a guest because you will want them to have a place card with their name on it. Believe it or not, a lot of people just show up thinking that replying to an invitation is not important. Usually when there is a deadline, that is the signal that a response is important, if you want to be seated at the dinner. Nevertheless, you cannot just assume that no response means that the person will not just show up because the person could even turn up with a date and then you'll have to scramble around for two extra places. Pick up the phone or email the people who have not responded and say something such as this, "We are having the place cards done for the dinner this week and we are hoping that you are planning on attending." By prefacing or ending your sentence with the tone that you "hope that they are planning on coming," you will sound less anxious and therefore less scolding. If there is a rather breezy tone to the conversation, then it will seem that your being nonchalant was as natural as their not having responded. Never assume that no response is a regret. In my opinion, if you don't follow up on the people who haven't replied, you will have to be prepared to seat them if they show up. Another problem is that sometimes people will leave, say, a voice mail on the wrong phone number or replied via email but didn't type in the right address, but have no way of knowing that they have made a mistake. So if an invited guest transposed a couple of numbers when replying to tell you that he is bringing a date, then when they arrive you will have to treat them like you would treat all the other guests---graciously.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When It Doesn't Arrive: What to do?
Q What to do when you think you are supposed to be invited to a wedding but no invitation arrives. I don't want to embarrass myself or them.

A Unless you're family or close friends, calling to find out if you've been invited could be uncomfortable. Often wedding couples get carried away thinking about all the friends they want to invite; however, when reality sets in and they understand the cost of hosting each guest, the guest list gets shorter.

If you really think your invitation has gone astray, by all means, pick up the phone and ask the wedding couple what's up?

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Mother Is Deceased
Q What is your advice for a wedding invitation when a parent has passed away? In this case it is the father who remains. Do we say:

Mr. Jon Smith
requests the honor of your presence

??

But I want to honor my mom in some way on the invitation - we were super close...

HELP!
Kirsten

A Yes, that is perfectly correct. The mother's name can be mentioned in the wedding announcement that appears in the newspapers.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Parents Are Divorced
Q How do I word wedding invitations when my parents are divorced? My dad is remarried. My mom is not remarried and still uses my dad's last name.

A This situation is more common than you think. The first thing that you have to remember is that traditionally it is your birth parents who are giving you away in marriage. Therefore, the invitation would read as follows (inserting your own information and centering the lines on the invitation):

Mrs. Caroline Adams Ryan
and
Mr. Charles Winslow Ryan
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie Abbot
to
Mr. George Drexel Winthrop

As you can see by the words "their daughter," traditionally the stepparent would not be giving the daughter away in marriage. However, nowadays many stepparents are as close to the bride as the real parent and so the stepparent is sometimes listed on the invitation, too. If that is the case, you would add your stepmother this way: Mr. and Mrs. Charles Winslow Ryan. It is up to the bride as to whether she wants to have her stepparent listed on her wedding invitation, or not.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Parents Remarry
Q On a wedding invitation, if the parents are divorced and remarried but only one is helping to pay for the wedding, should the other parent still be listed on the invitation?

A If it is a formal wedding invitation, you would not use both sets of names, just the birth parents' names and it does not matter who is paying for the wedding (insert your own information and center the lines on the card):

Mrs. William Rudolph Shakespeare
and Mr. Charles Stuart Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Amanda Elizabeth
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Father of the Bride is a State Representative
Q I have a State Representative's daughter getting married; how do we do the wording on the invite if he is inviting you to the wedding? State Representative Larry Clark and Mrs. Clark, cordially invite you.....

A Use:
The Honorable Larry Smith Clark and Mrs. Clark

Remember, for a wedding you spell out the middle names. Since this is a social event as opposed to an official event, a Representative of a State uses the honorific "The Honorable," but "House of Representatives of the State of (state)" is not used.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom Is an Elected Official
Q When the person being married is an elected official, how is the invitation worded? Does his name appear before the bride's name on the invitation?

A No, his name does not appear before the bride's name. The invitation is all about the bride's parents giving their daughter away in marriage to the groom. Insert your own information and center these lines on the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. James Mumford Wilson
request the honor of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Senator George Adams Mitchell
etc.

Don't forget to spell out all middle names.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom Is Both Dr. + Colonel
Q We are sending out wedding invitations. My fiance is both a doctor and a colonel in the Army. How do we address the invitation, i.e., The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Ms. Jane Doe and is it Dr. Joe Smith or Col Joe Smith? Do you put both or pick one? Thank you.

A Assuming that your groom is a medical doctor (and not an academic Ph.D.), since this is a social invitation and your groom will hold the title of doctor for the rest of his life, but won't necessarily be a doctor in the army, your invitation would read (these lines would be centered on the card):

Jane Elizabeth Doe
and
Dr. Joseph Charles Smith
Colonel, Untied States Army
request
the honour of your presence
at their marriage
on Saturday, August the tenth
two thousand and ten
at four o'clock
St. Mary's Church
Newport

You can also do it this way:

The honour of your presence
is requested at the marriage of
Jane Elizabeth Doe
to
Dr. Joseph Charles Smith
Colonel, United States Army
etc.

The bride doesn't use a title such as "Ms." because she is about to take on the title of "Mrs." The exception would be if she was a doctor. I want your wedding invitation to be beautiful so, as long as you are sending out invitations, why not use your full names and include your middle names. It makes it more wedding-like. Also, just checking: I am assuming that the bride's parents are not giving the bride away, because you are not including their names on the invitation. One last thing, the word "honor" is spelled also as "honour." You can choose either. "Honour" is more formal.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom's Family Requires Additional Inviations
Q Bride's parents are giving the groom's side a limited number of invitations. The groom's family is distant and will not probably attend. My son doesn't want any hurt feelings. Is it O.K. to send each aunt and uncle an invitation stating and family to include all members of that family?

A You would want to check with the bride's parents before doing so. They need to keep track of the head count. If they are giving you ten invitations and each invitation is intended for one couple and you invite them to also bring their children and their spouses (when the parents are only expecting to pay for the couple), it creates a big problem. Even if the distant family members won't be attending, you never know; they could show up with a car full in tow.

The bride's parents are making it perfectly clear how many people you can invite, if they give you ten invitations that means twenty people. Call the bride's mother and talk to her directly. Tell her your dilemma. It is more than likely that she will give you some additional invitations after you explain the unlikelihood of their attending, if you ask her nicely. I'm sure she'll understand your dilemma.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Groom's Father Is Deceased
Q How should the invitation be worded as my son-in-law is deceased?
thank you again,
Bonnie Garrison

A As I recall from your earlier question, you said that the wedding is that of your grandson; therefore his parents' names would not appear on the wedding invitation.

On the wedding invitation the bride's parents are giving their daughter away in marriage to your grandson, not to his parents. The appropriate place for the groom's parents, and your name, to appear is on the wedding program that is given out at the wedding ceremony. (The groom's parents and grandparents' names, along with those of the bride's, would also be identified in the wedding announcement placed in your local newspaper.)

In that wedding ceremony program, there is a list of who's who within the immediate family:

Mrs. Emma Garrison Randolph, groom's mother
Mrs. William Byrd Garrison, groom's grandmother, etc.

Then towards the end of the program, traditionally, there is a small list of close relatives whom the wedding couple knew, who have died since they were born, following a line of remembrance:

Today, and every day we remember,

John Lewis Randolph, etc.

Both lists are divided into bride's family and groom's family.

On all wedding material from the invitation and addressing envelopes, to the program, we try to spell out middle names because that helps family and friends connect who is related to whom.

Also, if your daughter has not remarried, she has the option of using her first and maiden name with her new married name or her deceased husband's name as her middle name: Mrs. Emma Garrison Randolph, or Mrs. John Lewis Randolph. Should your daughter have remarried, she could use either: Emma Randolph Hudson or Mrs. George Stephens Hudson. Her second husband would then be listed on the close family list on the program as: George Stephens Hudson, groom's stepfather.

Thank you for your interesting questions and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When the Reception Proceeds a Private Ceremony + Dinner
Q My reception will be very large (500 invites) following cultural tradition. It starts with a receiving line at the beginning that lasts for two hours and then dancing/cake cutting/farewell to follow....(note: ceremony and 80 person rsvp sit-down dinner reception are separate from this event and have a different invite).

The main invite serves as both an announcement and invitation. I am not sure how to word the reception portion of the invite...specifically the time frame...I have only been able to find examples that give a starting time not a time frame...

This is what I have been playing around with (although I feel it is a bit "wordy" possibly unclear):

"The pleasure of your company is requested at a garden reception held in their honor from "half after Six o'clock until half after Eight o'clock that evening with dancing to follow at (reception site)"

Thank you.


A Help me to understand this better. When you say the main invite, you don't want to confuse an announcement with an invitation. An announcement announces that the couple have already been married, if it is an invitation in honor of the newlyweds, it serves as an announcement of their just having been married and an invitation to celebrate. A wedding invitation invites the guest to attend the ceremony and in this case the seated dinner for 80.

You say the ceremony and 80 person rsvp seated dinner are separate from the 500 person reception. Is this a separate event or does the ceremony and dinner directly follow the reception for 500 guests? If they are on separate dates, you would send two different invitations. If the reception for the 500 takes place separately before the ceremony, how can it be in honor of the newlyweds?

Let me take a guess here: there is a reception for 500 before the wedding ceremony. Then following this formal receiving line to which guests are offered wedding cake and dancing, there is a private ceremony and dinner for 80. But how can you have the wedding cake before the ceremony? In this scenario, you would have 500 invitations printed up for the pre-wedding reception, that might be worded as such.

Mr. and Mrs. John Jay Wilson
request the pleasure of your company
at a pre-wedding reception in honor
of their daughter
Katherine Elizabeth
and
James George Thomas
Six o'clock until eight o'clock
Saturday the tenth of August
Two thousand and ten
The Springfield Botanical Gardens
1139 Springfield Parkway
Springfield, Ohio

Then have a smaller card printed up to match the above saying:

Directly following the reception
Mrs. and Mrs. John Jay Wilson
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Catharine Elizabeth
to
James George Thomas
at nine o'clock
followed by dinner and dancing

Since the dinner and dancing is in the same location, you wouldn't need to mention that.

Then you only need to have one reply card. On your wedding list spread sheet you will know which of the eighty guests you've also invited to the ceremony and dinner, so you can use the same reply card for all 500 invitees because the reply cards will have been numbered on the back and you will know which of the eighty invitees have accepted for the entire evening.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When There Is No Reply Card
Q How do you respond to a wedding invitation which asks for a response and there is no response card?

A Your host assumes that you know how to respond to a wedding invitation and therefore doesn't enable you with a reply card. On your best social stationery substitute your own information and center these lines.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dickens
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare's
kind invitation for June 24th

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Three Sets of Parents Co-host Wedding
Q I would like to include both of my parents who are divorced and remarried along with the groom's parents. How would that be worded on the invitation?

A Traditionally, since the bride's parents are giving the bride away in marriage, the groom's parents names are not listed on the invitation. Their names are customarily on the rehearsal dinner invitation because they are doing the inviting to that event. However, if the groom's parents are not hosting the rehearsal dinner and the bride's and groom's parents are co-hosting the wedding, then the invitation, centering the lines on the page, might read:

Mr. and Mrs. John Wilson Doe
Mr. and Mrs. Charles Brown Stewart
Mr. and Mrs. James Scott Johnson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their children
Jane Caroline
to
Mr. James Scott Johnson, II
on Saturday, the tenth of August

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When to Mail Invitations
Q How long before the wedding should I send the invitations?

A If possible, wedding invitations should be mailed at least six weeks before the wedding.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: When Two Doctors Wed
Q How to word a wedding invitation of two doctors?

A I would have to know more about the situation to give a precise answer. For instance, for a formal or semi-formal wedding invitation, you would not use the title Dr. before the bride's name, but you would use Dr. before his name. A formal invitation would go like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Edward Dickens
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Charlotte Elizabeth
to
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare

You don't use the bride's last name, because her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Dickens, are doing the inviting so it would be redundant to use her last name; you can't very well use Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth, as you wouldn't say Ms. or Miss Charlotte Elizabeth. On the other hand, if the two doctors are doing the inviting, they can both use their titles as doctors, but her name would come first:

Dr. Charlotte Elizabeth Dickens
and
Dr. William Henry Shakespeare
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
Saturday the fifth of June
etc.

Of course, it goes without saying that if it is an informal wedding and not in a church or synagogue, you can do whatever you want. The first example is the traditional way the invitation would be worded. However, if the wedding couple are older and are hosting their own wedding, the less formal style can be used.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Widowed Mother
Q My daughter is getting married. I was widowed three years ago. Does the invitation read Mrs. Carolyn Ostroff of Mrs. Donald Ostroff requests the honor of your presense...?

A As you were not divorced before you were widowed, you are formally still Mrs. Donald (insert middle name) Ostroff. Please insert the middle name, when possible, on any formal announcement. If this is an informal wedding, you could use Carolyn (insert maiden name) Ostroff, using your maiden name for your middle name and not using any titles such as Mrs. or Mr. (for the groom) on the invitation.

You are Mrs. Donald (insert middle name) Ostroff formally until you change your name or remarry and change your name. legally.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording
Q My stepdaughter is getting married. Relations with the ex-wife and husband are good between my husband and me. I am in charge of the invitations and we are in agreement that it will say: "Mr.& Mrs. Them and Mr. & Mrs. Us request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter." My question is, which names should come first, the mother's or the father's?

A The problem with doing it your way is that, in fact, your stepdaughter only has two birth parents, a mother and a father. The birth parents give their daughter away in marriage. The stepparents can't give somebody else's daughter away. Think logically about the word "their." Only the birth parents' names are on the wedding invitation. When the bride's parents are divorced, the mother's name appears on the first line of the invitation and the father's name appears on the second line. The stepparents are acknowledged in the wedding program. I am sorry to disappoint you, but the word "their" means the birth parents.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording Invite with Stepmother
Q We are wording a wedding invite. The bride and groom are in their late 20's. Both parents are sharing the expenses. The bride's mom is deceased, but the dad has been remarried for many years and is very close with the bride. We would like to see both parents listed together on the invite. How should it be worded?

A Traditionally, the wedding invitation announces that the parent(s) are announcing the marriage of their daughter to so-and-so. In your situation, the only names that would appear on the invitation would be those of the person who is giving the bride away, the father, and the bride and groom. It does not matter who is paying what. The dad is giving the daughter away. If the father of the bride is a remarried widower, the invitation might read:

Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Stuart Spencer
request the honour of your presence at
the marriage of Mr. Spencer's daughter
Amanda Caroline
etc.

The groom's parents might host the rehearsal dinner, then their names would be on that invitation only.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording When Mother of the Bride Is a Doctor
Q Bride, groom and both sets of parents are hosting the wedding. We would like to include both first names of each set of parents on the invitation. In what order should we list the names for husband and wife if the wife is a doctor?

For instance, is it:

A)
Together with their parents
Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe (brides parents)
and
Dr. Jane and Mr. John Doe (grooms parents)
requests the honour...

OR

B)
Together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe (bride's parents)
and
Mr. and Dr. John and Jane Doe (groom's parents)
requests the honour...

Thanks!

A As long as you are going for the correct wording, then why not add the middle names? The wording for the invitation would be as follows (with the lines centered on the card):

Mr. John Smith Doe and Dr. Jane Gibson Doe
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Joan
to
Mr. Charles William Dickens
etc.

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording When the Wedding Couple Are the Hosts
Q What is the verbiage when a couple are hosting their own wedding? Even though we are paying for our wedding, we're wondering if we can include our parent's names. We each have one parent who is still alive. Thank you so much.

A A wedding invite, whether the wedding couple are hosting the wedding or not, lists the bride's full name (no titles such as Miss or Ms. and spells out her middle name) followed by the husband's name, (again no title, and spell out his middle name, if they are hosting). Here are two proper ways to word the invitation:

Joanna Johnstone Barker
and
Peter Brown Newbold
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
date
time
place

Alternatively, the following is just as good, but slightly more formal:

The honour of your presence
is requested at the marriage of
Joanna Johnstone Barker
to
Peter Brown Newbold
etc.

Both of the couple's parent's name in a situation such as this is not traditionally listed on a Christian wedding invitation. However, even if they are paying for their own wedding, the mother can do the inviting:

Mrs. Marianna Johnstone Barker
requests the honour of your presence at
the marriage of her daughter
Joanna Johnstone (last name is not used)
to
Mr. Peter Brown Newbold (you would then use his title of Mr.)
etc.

It is perfectly fine to do the following, but it is not totally correct because only Mrs. Barker is giving her daughter away in marriage:

Mrs. Marianna Johnstone Barker
and
Mr. John Peter Newbold
request the honour of your presence at
the marriage of their children
Joanna Johnstone (The bride is the only one without a title because her title is changing her title.)
and
Mr. Peter Brown Newbold

Wedding Etiquette: Invitation: Wording: Informal: Older Couple with Extended Family
Q We are an older couple and wished to have an informal invitation wording...Is there anything inherently wrong with this wording below? Some felt the parents name should read Margie and Art. The bride has no living parents which is why she chose to list the names of her children living with her. Plus, that allows her to mention her former married name in a less direct way .
My comments are in brackets

Art and Margie Wendt [parents of the groom and sponsors]
together with
Safia, Linda, and Mehdi Benyahia [children of the bride]
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of
Debbie Wertzberger [bride -with maiden name]
to
Doug Wendt [groom]
on Saturday, the eleventh of June....etc.


A Thank you for your interesting question.

In my opinion, nowadays you would word a charming, informal wedding invitation this way:

With their families
Debbie Werzberger
and
Doug Wendt
request the pleasure (honor) of your company
at their marriage
Saturday the eleventh of June
etc.

There is no need to mention extended families. This wedding is all about you and your fiance. It is not about who paid for what or which members of the family need to be mentioned. The place to list all those family members is in the program of the ceremony, if you have one--and they have to be acknowledged. Otherwise, alternatively their names can be mentioned (also) in a wedding toast by the best man.

On an informal invitation, you don't want to get too complicated/wordy because most of the guests either don't know those other people or care whether your parents are alive or who is paying. After all, this wedding is all about you; you are an older couple, and it is an informal invitation, so make it simple, elegant, and dignified.

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